Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 6, Ep 6 - Usidore’s Nest

Episode Date: September 21, 2026

Arnie worries Usidore and Chunt are becoming just work friends so they visit Usidore’s room at the top of the tower for some “crown off” friend chats.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm so excited to tell you about the podcast, We Fix Space Junk, debt, space repairs, friendship, and a galactic mega corporation with a motto that says it all, we own you. Smuggler, Kilner, and reluctant fugitive Samantha are stuck with each other and a galaxy full of debt, danger, and odd jobs on the fringes of the law. Critics have called it a mix of hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy and firefly, absurd and hilarious, but with real heart underneath. It's a tone that's connected with listeners from their early teams,

to their 70s, racking up over 2 million downloads worldwide and multiple Audioverse Awards for acting, sound design, and directing. Season 4 is here. New episodes are dropping now. Search We Fix Space Junk wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And as the weather cools, and each day the darkness comes more quickly, I will caution you, if you're someone who scares easily, you're going to be fine here.

settle in. But if you cower in the face of abject terror, again, you have no reason to be concerned about our program. It won't be a problem. But take heed. If all-consuming horror holds you in its icy grip too frequently, that literally will not be

an issue today. Forget I mentioned it. Now sit back, lower your guard entirely, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon. I'm your host, King Arnie. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. 11 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal

behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Great Hall, in Castle Belaroth, in Northeasteria, in the northeast, where I am accidentally king in the magical land of foon. And I am joined As always, by my co-host, he's head of the King's Guard, shunt the talking badger. Hey, Carney. Hey, Carney.

Instead of saying King Arnie, I thought they just called you Carney. Okay, yeah, sure. That works for me, I guess. I have the prototypes here. We have Arnie Nee Cash and we have Arne Ney Coin. Okay. We can use both, sort of have sort of coin and cash tender, or we can just do one or together.

Yeah. Because it does seem like the people of Northeastia are crying out for a currency that is referencing my kingship a little bit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I think maybe we have some collector cash or something. Oh, like a limited edition cash. Yeah, maybe like, you know, you sort of, I don't know, kissing a dog or pooping standing up or something, just something fun. Okay.

Maybe like you're flying in your head is in the clouds. Okay. Interesting. geese or something, just something fun. This is, oh, this is complicated. And this is all going to be on the coin. Yeah, a lot of coin, a lot of tender here in Foon, is super busy. Kind of the busier the coin image, the more noble the house.

Sure. So if you see something with just like, I don't know, a thumbs up, that's a rough house. Oh, I see. So it's just got to be extra, really extra. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Uh, well, I guess we should probably get Usador's input on this, so, uh, I am also joined by my other co-host.

He's head wizard of Northeistia, Usador the Blue. I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesus, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakus, the elves know me as Fiannielok, the dwarves know me as Zonin and Hooxtengis, and I am noon throughout the northeast is Gassumanius May star. And in now, I have to wonder, shall all of Arnie's reign

be focused on putting his name and face on things? Because that's not a great look. No, it's not, I swear. I'm mostly not. I'm mostly not putting my name on things. But, you know, I just like to have a little, like I keep sake. Because I, again, I'm going to be an interim king.

I'm going to be the tallest short king you've ever seen. But when it's tough, Don't I want to have like a couple coins with my face on it or me kissing a dog or flying through the sky and my feeder geese or something like that? Well, of course. I mean, that's a standard procedure for kings. I just making sure we're not focused on just putting our name on things and just getting our face on things. I agree. Maybe there's some real ruling going on.

A hundred percent. I am not going to change the castle. It's Castle Bellaroth, even though the Bellaroths are no longer in power. I guess there could be an argument for calling a Castle Neckham, but no, it's Castle Belaroth, and that's what it should stay. Arnie and Great Hall. Who put that sign up? Oh, this should just be the Great Hall. Arnie and Great Hall?

This doesn't make sense. Doesn't make any sense. Well, you know, people need to know I'm in here. Hmm. I'm not, it's not official. It's just more like, it's like the bathrooms over there. Would you think about shortening it to Arnie Hall? Hmm.

Woo, who, who, ooh, ooh, ooh, already got to do it. Please, please. John, get out of the dog pound. Guys, this is... This is maybe a weirdly out-of-left-field question. Are we in danger of just becoming work, friends? Ooh, I'm not sure what left field means, but... Oh, man, I might have piled on way too many earth metaphors into that...

I'm not sure what you mean, Your Majesty, but I have a number of forms here for you to sign. I just need you to take your quill there and put your signature here on these. Okay. I still don't have a good signature. I feel like I should practice. Like I should have like a really cute signature that I can do fast, but still is cool and legible. Very good, sir.

Very good, sir. Also, while you're signing that, I need to inform you that House Dirtnap has offered their daughter as your betrothed. I need to listen better when these people are talking to me. They've offered up their daughter as a potential, partner for you, Daphne Dirtnap, I want to say. Daphne, Daphne. Yeah, but they're all, Arnie, just, and this is me,

this is, you know, this is me being a friend and not the... You as a buddy, not as like an envoy, as a friend. Yeah, the Dirt Naps are all zombies, so just be careful. It's a house of zombies? It's a house of zombies, but don't say that to their face. Okay. They don't know that they're zombies or they just don't like being reminded about it? You know, it's not quite clear?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, we'll learn more as the season progresses. Guys, have we just become work friends? Like, we just, like, all we do is talk about work and, like, we're friendly for being at work, but are we still, are we still friend friends? Of course, sir. The power dynamic has barely shifted, sir. Indeed, I feel no, nothing but friendly, good tidings towards you, your majesty. Oh, deep bow, deep bow, deeper bow, deeper bow, deeper bow. trying to bow deeper than Usador.

Bow deep. I am weirdly enjoying this bow competition. Lounge back. God damn it. Digging into the floor to bow. Guys, look, let's get out of the Great Hall. We're spending a little too much time in the Great Hall. It's the most official part of the castle.

Let's, you know, this is weird. I don't even know where you guys live in the castle. Oh, I live at the top of the tower, the Crow's Tower. And I live at the bottom of the base. basement, the borough basement. And I live right in the middle. Huh, we're a little friendship sandwich. Because I don't like to, like, my room is like right behind the Great Hall,

because I don't like to have to move that much. This porridge is too hot. This is too cold. I like everything I eat. Well, should we go to the top of Crow's Tower and you can see my new digs? Sure. Yeah, let's just get, let's just go through. Can someone push these giant doors?

I'm not good. Oh, no, I'll just open a portal. Aeroth Troth, Katao. It take like 20 minutes to walk over there. Oh, yeah. We don't want to... And up, up, it's like all the way up. Oh, yeah, all the way at the top.

I'm going to take the stairs. Portals... Recently, portal's been making me barf. I think it's an inner ear thing. Oh. I'll meet you guys up there. All right. Step on through.

Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh. Some matter. That portal made me barf. All right. Maybe I need to work on my portals.

All right? Is that what I'm hearing? That there's something wrong with my portals now? I guess so. Maybe you just kind of expand into portal too, which will somehow be even better, like somehow even better than the original portals. Somehow, unbelievably.

Well, here we are. I, of course, have my bed over there. Of course, I have all of my experiments over there. I have a pile of geodes and rocks over there, the carcasses of birds over there, of which I'm trying to reanimate. A lot of birds, both living and dead up here. Like, so many birds. And it's just thick with shit. Like, this bird shit on everything.

Oh, yeah. Well, I've been asking them to clean that up, and they just seem to ignore me. By them, who do you mean them? The birds? The birds. Well, I guess that's fair. Clean up your own shit. Well, that's what I say to them.

Clean up your own shit. I have things to do. I'm the court magician now. The court-appointed magician. Yeah. And I believe that I can continue my experiments here. I may find a way to extend your protection of the northeast all the way to the southwest. Wow.

The north-south, the southeast, and the west-south. You mean that, like, all the way? the places. Is that what you mean? Yes, exactly. That's another way of saying that. Goddesses, damn it. Did the stairs make you barf? I think he brushed the portal on his way in. I think he hit it just barely.

So are you feeling all right? Yeah, I guess so. Oh, and all that cold porridge came up. Oh, that's a terrible sensation. Terrible sensation. Wow, this is thick with shit. Isn't it? We were just talking about that.

This is a thick shit house. Has anyone know anyone who needs some bird shit? Oh, the farm wars. The farmores? Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed that we have a plot out back. And we have some farmers who grow armor, the farmores. So we've been growing chest plates. Actually, it might just be chest plates.

Okay. So the farmhors farm armors, armor. Well, they don't farm wars. That would be farm wars. These are farmores. So the armours where you keep, like, your wardrobe. No, we keep the armor and the armoors. Oh. That's where they're called armours.

So the farmores and the farmers, they work hand in hand. Arnie, listen, please. The farmoors are growing armor to put in the armwors in case we go to war. Sure. Does that make sense? I think so. I'm trying to write this down, but I'm feeling if I read it back, it's going to mean nothing to me. I'll send a scroll to your room later or something.

Okay. Pumpkin monkeys, take the bird shit to the farmoors. Wow, there's also a lot of pumpkin monkey shit up here. Yeah, I don't know what to do with that. There's a lot of seeds in there, and I don't want those to get planted anywhere, and then we got more of these goddesses damned things flying around. Yeah, yeah. And we should say, canonically, these things are, they're, like, basically plants.

Because they have been fighting each other and... Smashing each other, yeah. Smashing each other. So we should say that, you know, canonically, they're just like plants. They're just like plants. And so it's okay. It doesn't matter if they live or die, is what you're saying?

Yeah, there's no screams. The way I justify anything is if it screams, leave it be. Smart. Mm-hmm. Now, yes, they're just sort of an animated, unholy being without any awareness or sentience. They're simply a gollum of sorts. Sure. And they pose no, they don't have a soul.

Sure. So you guys magically combined a bunch of pumpkins and monkeys to do your bidding. And how do you know that they aren't conscious or have a soul? Well, because I took the monkey souls out when I did that. That's part of the process. So right at the beginning, you're doing maybe the most heinous thing possible. What do you mean? What do you do with the monkey souls?

Why keep them? Okay, just in case. Yeah, I keep them out by the farm oars. in the soul patch. Soul patch. Oh, that little strip of lands that's right at the chin of the... Little, yeah, it's just a little tiny thing.

I think, honestly, I think our castle pulls it off. Yeah, I guess so. We also have some herb guardians. Oh. They've been working hard. They sort of, you know, that's guiding the herb, if you know what I mean.

Arnie, why are you winking and nudging? No, just if you want to be a good thing. Be cool. Be cool. Yeah, I guess basil. Basel's pretty neat and coriander has its moments. I like rosemary. Oh, yeah.

Great with chicken. If you smoke some rosemary and then eat chicken, Arnie. So fucking good. Makes the chicken taste great. You're like, I'm so hungry for chicken. So hungry. Absolutely. Can I ask you guys, honestly, like, friend to friend, how you doing with your new jobs?

Or just general, like you, Sador. You're living up in this shit house. Crow's Tower. Crow's Tower. Are you just loving it? Are you like a pig in bird shit? Or you... Of course, Your Majesty.

I love it. It's ideal. It's a perfect place for me to be. I couldn't be happier. And everything's going quite splendidly. You're going to take that crown off? Oh, yeah. Is it the crown?

I forget that I'm even wearing it. Uh, no, your majesty, of course. No, sir. No, your majesty. Deep bow, bow. Deep bow. Oh, I got a bow. I got a bow deeper now.

Damn deep. Oh, my nose touch shit. My nose touch burnt shit. Do not do that in here. It's so gross in here. Damn it. There's so much bird shit. Okay.

Look, I'm going to take this crown off. Because again, there's no power structure in our friendship. Well, subtly there probably is. But I'm still, I'm going to take this crown off and set it. Arnie, baby. Hey. Arnie, what the fuck have we been doing the last few weeks? Is it the crown this whole time you've been treating me like that because of the crown?

Oh, big hug. I love you so much, buddy. I missed you so much. Oh, my goodness is I miss you so much. I thought things would never be the same, but they still are. I love you guys so much. Well, I'm very glad to see you return to your former self. And I, too, have missed you and wish to give you glad tidings.

So here I shall pat you on the shoulder. Pat, pat, pat. There you go. That's how we do. That's how we express our love for each other. You sit around. Pat, pat, pat. I will give you like a one-arm.

hug as well. Whoa, three Pat's from Usador? Oh, my God, I've never seen that before. He's obsessed with you. He's from a different time. He expresses his love in a different way. He's from hundreds of years ago. Before, like, hugs were even

invented, probably. Oh, I remember the first hug. Really? Oh, yes. Was it intentional? Was it made on purpose, or was it discovered? No, it was a, I was at a wedding. And the priestess, said, you may now kiss the groom.

So kisses were invented way before hugs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everyone held their arms at their side, and they would just mouth to mouth, tongue to tongue, go nuts. Uh-huh. And the priestess said, you may now kiss the groom, and you may kiss the bride simultaneously. Just to clarify, you should kiss each other and not kiss other people here. So very clear directions from the priestess. but the bride tripped

and her arms came flying out and they hugged each other and they held each other and then they started kissing and then they started kind of you know the hug kind of got pretty sexy

oh okay it's kind of a lot of yeah like a wandering hands yeah wandering hands yes exactly you can see how that goes interesting what a time to be alive yeah that must have seemed

fucking crazy when you saw it oh yeah arms everywhere I was like the first like if you never seen it before. Yeah, I was like, what are these, these are two human people? Why are they acting like two octopi? Yeah. Are they wrestling? What's going on? Yeah. Yeah. Well, some people did. I had to hold a few people back who thought they were fighting. Like, this new bride and groom, they're already going to try to kill each other. And I said, nay, nay, hold thine hand. For they may just be simply exploiting one another's bodies in this new union. And I hate to ask this, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't. Please do. Had sex been invented before this?

Absolutely. Arms at the side, though, just like the kissing. So it probably just completely revolutionized a lot of things. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Once people realize they could get their arms in there? Oh, people just went to town. Yeah, we're going to have a lot more support for some of these positions we've been using.

Although, if you've never had sex while folding your arms, it's kind of fun. Just folded arms across your chest, pumping away. Try it out. But are you worried about your sending mixed messages? Huh, I am now. I just feel like you're not happy with me. This revolution has made fingering a lot easier. Okay.

And, Arnie, isn't that the goal to make fingering easier? Yes. I'm going to stop us right here. And I'm just going to say, I'm not going to stop this conversation. I just want to, like, underline and imagine, like, 11 years from now, there's going to be someone who starts with just this season. And they're going to say, you know what? I decided I liked this podcast when they started talking about fingering. Hmm.

That was the thing that won me over. Doesn't seem impossible. Uh, yeah, I could see, I could see where you are coming from. Uh, well, uh, now, now we're here. Uh, how do we, how do we plan to, yes, we've protected Northeastia, but what shall we do in order to continue protecting the rest of Foon? To hold back the, the, the wizards as they continue their onslaught across all of the land.

Is there a way to make your power grow on you? Okay, should we plant a bunch of trees or something? Yeah, how do you get your power? The sun or what? Food? Huh. That's a good. Well, why don't we take a quick break?

And because I just am feeling a real whiplash because we're in like a hangout mood. And so, but now we are kind of getting back to business. Let's take a quick break. And then we'll figure out how we're going to save everything inside this kingdom and outside of this kingdom. Before we tied back into it, it was the crown. That whole time, it was the crown, is why you guys were treating me that way. Of course.

Yeah, I guess I didn't realize it, but absolutely. All my life, I've always known that hats were a mistake for me. Bad things happened when I try on hats. Don't you remember when you were just a small boy on Earth in the 80s, and we came and visited you and you were in junior high or something, and you showed us an Archie comic, and I kept bowing to Jughead? Oh, that's right. I thought you were just near-sighted and could barely see the page.

That didn't help either. Already, remember you told us about dentistry, and then you opened your mouth and show us your back row of teeth, and I kept bowing. Yeah. Because of the crowns? Because of the crowns. Yeah. Oh, there's crowns in there? Yeah.

I was just in all of the magic of dentistry. Yeah, I mean, it's something. I don't understand it myself. Well, I love you guys, and I'm just so happy that we're kind of, I'm just relieved to know that we're still as close as I think we are. Pat, pat, pat, pat. Pat, Pat. Wow. Three succinct pets.

Arnie, that's truly the most love I've ever seen him show. No, is it going to go to his head? Everything's going to get awkward between us now. Is his love for you going to go to his head? Look, I'm just saying once we get to three Pat and our relationship, does everything change? Oh, good call. I don't know. We'll have to explore that.

You know, Arne, one time after a big battle where I barely survived, Usador, I'm sorry, I'm getting emotional thinking about it. Usador gave me a firm handshake and said, Atta boy. and I wept for days I just never knew he felt that way about me. Yeah. Well, here, we should eat something.

I got out a plate of cheese and crackers. Ooh. Still kind of a lot of bird shit on this plate. Arnie, it is rude to not eat what it's put in front of you. You're embarrassing me and you're insulting him. The plate had bird shit and then he clearly put cheese and crackers

on top of the plate. with the bird shit. Like, oh, dessert. Chilled monkey brains. Thank you, Yusador. Of course, you're welcome. Mm. All right, of course, this is pumpkin pie, but we call it chilled monkey brains.

Oh, good. Oh, good. I should put that fucking crown back on and reject all this stuff. And here's some white wine. Wow. A wine devoid of all color. Well, no, hold on. I guess it's white, not clear.

Well, no, it's kind of clear. Did you want clear wine? If you have it. Yeah, I'll get some clear wine. 100 proof. Wow. Here we go. Let me get the cap off here.

There you are. Clear wine. Ooh. Don't love that the fumes formed a skull and crossbones when they came out. But you opened that wine and half of the bird shit in this corner of the room just disappeared. Yeah. It's an amazing solvent. A delicious drink.

And the best way to clean all of your armor and your armor created by the farmores. Oh, that, oh, the farmores are going to look. love this. And, Arnie, farm wars are far more farmers than most farmers. Wow. And they say, like, we are... We are farm wars. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, so... Yeah, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We know where I'm going with this. Yeah. Now, I must ask, now that your crown is off and we can just talk to you like we always used to, honey, have any of the young maidens of the great houses caught your eye? I know we brought up Daphnearly.

And of course, there's Gwynadryl. Is there? All three of us jump on the bed and put our hands under our chin and our feet in the air. Are you thinking of taking a queen? Guys, I'm so excited to just actually talk to you about this as friends. Because as a king, it does seem like there's a lot of pressure on me to marry properly, to sort of, like, strengthen the bond with certain houses. And Mary fuck kill is what you're trying to say.

Sure. Yeah, yeah. That's a big part of being a king is marrying, fucking, and killing. You got to marry into a house. You got to fuck over a house. And you got to kill a house. Kill a house. Oh. Well, if you don't form a powerful bond through marriage, one of the tools at your disposal,

you take a chance that as that house grows and its power and its influence, that they will either leave or overthrow you and take the very throne from thee. and you wouldn't want that. And if they seceded, then of course they would be in danger from the wizards. But if they stay and overthrow you, then you're out of a job and everyone's in danger. That's right.

Me being alive in my magic stick, it's not a metaphor, is the only thing keeping everyone in Northeastery alive and stay from the wizards. But are you saying if a house secedes, then they're not protected anymore? Correct. Or if they overthrow,

throw me, then no one's protected anymore. Right. But all the houses, they're all pretty cool, right? Like, they're all like getting along. There's some infighting. I think you guessed previously that house salt wound and house night wine are sort of at odds because

you know, a wine and salt mix. Yeah, yeah. So those are the only two houses that are actively like at each other's throats. I don't know about that The Pudwinkles would probably Be pretty upset with the Ragoons still Smut-Butts and the coffee knockers are against each other Right wait, who's against the coffee knockers?

Smut-Buts Smut-Butts Here's the thing, you know These houses change all the time Because they're making their own marriages and connections And you know, for instance, you know house night wine used to be house robin before it got a little older and then became night wine I just hate that I might be in a position where I have to choose where I have to look at two houses

and decide which I prefer like am I a smut butt man or am I a coffee knockers man like I don't know like how do I choose between those two you got at some point you'll just know also use it or follow up even after house robin became house night wine wasn't there still a house robin? Yeah, there's a new house robin. There have been several house robins since then. I don't understand it. At the same time?

At the same time. Well, not initially, but after a while, they just sort of like, fuck it. There's like six house robins. And that's very confusing. How do they all exist in like the same kingdom? Who knows? Maybe they all have their own little fiefdoms. It's just they kind of divvy it up, I suppose.

Arnie, I got to say, if you end up liking house smut butt butt, you become a butt man, you're going to like house robin. Okay. Okay. Who else? I guess the house cold sore and house pondscomb, they, I think they have like a real deep, long history of just absolutely despising each other. So I think you're going to want, sometimes soon, Arne, you're going to want to pick a house

that, you know, you're an ally ship with, whether you know, what they're, what someone in their family or not, and you're going to have to pick a house that you're at odds with. Right. And then the house that you pick, you don't want to piss off the house that they are aligned against. So you have to do some sort of concession to them as well, perhaps some land or a great big ruby. Uh-huh. Or some, I don't know. Yeah, great, yeah.

Where do we keep our great big rubies? The great big ruby room. Oh, yeah, that makes sense now. I walked past that sign a few times. It's right past the Sapphire annex. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Which somebody named the Arnie and Sapphire annex?

Well, I was confused about what door that was at first. I was confused. I thought that was a great hall. Arnie, Cronoff? Cron off? Yeah, crown is off. It's over there. And frankly, it's already got bird shit on it, so I'm not putting it on again anytime soon.

Hey, that's disrespectful. Get out of here. Crown off, buddy, I think this king stuff is going to your head just a little, just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just the tiniest bit. The other day I walked in, I don't want to say, but the other day I walked in to meet Yusador for a night snack and you were staring at yourself in the hall of mirrors. And you were saying king, king, king, king, king, king. Yeah, okay.

You were there, you saw that, huh? It was funny at first and then deeply sad. Yeah. Well, first of all, I've always been self-obsessed. Like, that's not a king thing. Like, you probably, there haven't been as many mirrors in the places we've stayed before, but you probably, frequently caught me just staring into reflective surfaces. Sure, yeah.

I remember we could barely pass a pond when we were on the road. Yeah. Before you would look in and just stare at yourself briefly. And I'd say, it's time to go. We must continue on our journey to protect all the food. And you'd say, just a sec, checking my hair. Yeah, you've almost drowned hundreds of times. Oh, yeah.

Because I also don't have good balance. It's so hard doing your hair and bending over. Yeah. It's crazy. Because also you're just sort of like the hair is in it, like how it's going to look when you're standing up. Yeah. Quoft. Yeah.

What a good word. Yeah. You know what you need. You need a wall pond. Ooh. Could we get a wall pond? Sure. Yeah.

No problem. I'll get right on that. And it won't just like fall off onto the floor? Not if I set it upright. If I cast the correct spells and, and, uh, and, and protections. The pond will stay in the wall, and then you can look in there and you can do your hair, and you can catch a fish or whatever you do. Does that sound like a useful thing to you? Useful, no, but I'd just like to see it.

Okay. Well, I'll get right on that. Give me a moment here. No hurry. It's not like a priority. Just, you know. No, no, no, no, no. I'll do it right now.

No, you so are. The crown is off. This is me. Yes, but now I'm thinking about it. This isn't about you. this is about the thing I'm thinking about. Now I want to do it. Oh, this is your own just tendency to fixate on things.

Correct. Yes. Here, now, let me take, let me think. Arnie, it's so weird to see you sort of has all these work benches and all these tools, and they're all in pristine condition. Clearly, he just uses magic. Yeah. Like, why does he have these?

Well, sometimes I look at a hammer, and it helps me focus my magical thoughts about, like, if I were to build a house, oh, look at that hammer and I'll go, Oh, yes, of course, a hammer. What would a magical hammer do? And then I go, okay, so I'm looking at this little, this little trench shovel, and I say, oh, a pond on the wall. Oh, yes, I'll have to dig deep into the stone, but to have to give it some shape so that it isn't just a round piece. You can't think of digging without looking at a shovel?

Arnie, that's, that's, that's whack. No, it's just helping me focus. It's not sure. I thought I can't think of it. It's just a focusing. Errotro, trotth-trath-tradha. Is it possible?

Is it what it is? Do you think? True. Now, when we go back to the Great Hall, there'll be a pond-a-law. Okay. So you didn't think to do it here? Like, we'll see it later?

Okay, never mind. Never mind. Not a big deal. Well, you're going to have to come up here every time you want to use the wall pond? Yeah, that's true. Or is his room. This is my room.

You can't keep being here all the time. It's my castle. Oh, yeah, it's your room. But you're going to make up, take down all these beautiful posters of all these scantily clad wizards? No, keep these up. Yes, well, I mean, those are scantily clad wizards because I'm looking for their weaknesses. Sure. I've got to say, I would never have guessed this.

Pintax looks good in this one. Oh, yeah. He looks fine. He's just like that coy look in his eyes. Yeah. Who drew this? Nicolopasta smear? Oh, yeah. I had him drop all those wizards.

Interesting. Oh, but guys. Oh, my guy. We got so distracted. Not as a king. Just as me as Arnie, your friend. Look, it's been a long time. But I am interested in getting out there a little bit into the dating world and maybe like

exploring the idea of having like a romantic storyline on the podcast, like an extended one that maybe is something we just haven't done in a long time. And is it unhealthy that I'm mostly thinking about it through the lens of it being a storyline, maybe. But that's not that important. Who should I consider? Like, not for the kingdom, but for my heart.

Crown off? Crown off. Okay. Crown off king? I think Gwineadryl. We got to say that more. Crown off king. Crown off king. Honest, you know, as a friend

and not as any other position, subservient to you, as a friend only, Gwena drills your gal. Oh, yeah. That's the name that seems to be. coming up the most often. Maybe because it's the easiest to remember. You said her, what do you think, bud?

I think Patsy Cold Sores in the running. What? Okay. Patsy Coldsore? Sure. What's Patsy Coldsore have that I, to recommend her? Well, she has sort of a sallow, sunken eyes and pasty skin. Okay.

She likes to play the Piano Forte. huge Coke bottle glasses. But a great personality, but a great personality? No, terrible personality. Hard to deal with. Very persnickety, very... Okay. He's like, the goddesses would never allow... You know, she's like one of these very...

Kind of a religious nut. Yeah. You know, so I think there's something there. I do have a type. Kind of has goat legs. Kind of has goat legs? Oh, yeah. Kind of has goat legs.

You know how goat legs been the other way? Okay, now I'm listening. I mean, but she's always wearing big hoop skirts. So you can tell her, you can tell there's a bend there, but you can't make, are they, are they hairy like goat legs? Is she like a pan thing? A pan thing. Can I ask something, Yusador? Yeah.

I've heard her play the piano forte. It's mostly her just clomping her hands down basically in a fist. Yeah. Is that, what do we call that playing the piano forte? I mean, I think we have to out of respect for House Cold Soar. Makes sense. How powerful, how are powerful and important as House Cold Soar? Like, if I slight them, would that be really bad?

Arnie, let's just say if you were to look at their coinage, you would see. These are helping out here. Yeah, if you look at their coinage, it's pretty smooth and featureless, but then every once in a while you get one that's like all bumpy and weird. And you're like, oh, I don't know if I should put this coin in my mouth or not. To make sure that it's real, right? To bite on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Arnie, so many kingdoms use, you know, one out of three is a chocolate coin just to sort of like, you know, stuff their coffers. Sure. But wouldn't those melt? That just doesn't seem like a good plan. Well, already everyone's doing it. And if everyone's doing it, does that mean it's a bad plan? Yeah. Think about that.

We should leave my quarters and check out chunks. quarters. I know you don't want to go through the portal that made you both sick, so I instead will conjure a rainbow bridge. Wait, isn't that where animals go? Isn't that how animals die? Is that how animals die? Chunt, don't go over the rainbow bridge. What, shouldn't I? I think, isn't it like where animals go on my world, I believe. Oh, Arnie, you hit me with a red shell. Oh, okay. Oh, that kind. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this could be fun. All right. Well, why don't we take a quick break? and when we come back,

we'll be probably on the rainbow bridge. Zip, zip, zippity-do! Oh, I don't know what it is about the rainbow bridge, but that was rough. Yeah. So sorry about that. I thought that would be better than the portal. Yeah, there's something about the frame rate

being on that bridge that also just made me sick. Yeah. Okay, okay, let me tell. Well, I'll figure out how we get back to the throne room later then. Sure. Ricky, Tommy, Jeremy. Can you clean up this barf? Oh, that's right.

I keep forgetting that's one guy whose name is Ricky Tommy Jeremy. Yeah, RTJ. But you got, Arnie, you got to say all three names if you want the thing done. Oh, I see. Okay, uh, here we are. Just wipe your feet on the butthole sweet butthole mat. Okay. And we will head on in.

Should we, I don't even know if this is a thing we could do. Should we consider selling butthole sweet butthole mats? Arnie, from your mouth to God's butthole. Now that's merged This is my sweet little hovel Sorry about the mess here Thank you for having so much hunt It's a delight to be in your home

Pat Pat Pat Oh my god is this Three pats In quick succession Oh my god that is special but I guess Incredible Where's the toilet? Just whatever you want

Buddy friend Whatever I want, all right. Whoever you want. For you? For you, the world. Great. My bed. Oh, no.

That's fine. That's fine. I'll keep it moving. Yeah, give us a little tour of the place. This is cute. The ceiling is a little low, but I guess you don't need it to be high. Yeah, do you, sorry, you can't really stand up in here, Arnie. In fact, kind of just on your belly.

Yeah. Yeah, it's Badger Heights ceiling. I don't have any windows, so I just took some crayons and drew windows. And, of course, here's a window with you peeking in and waving Arnie. Here's a window with... Oh, that's cute. Yusador, you're dancing with the sun in this one here. Nice.

Here's the worms seesaw. Cute. It's just two worms kind of, you know, on a seesaw. Not sure. I was to explain that. No, it's perfectly clear. Yeah. They seem like they're mad at each other, though.

Don't they? That's what I keep saying. And they keep insisting they're not. Hey, worms. Yeah? I am Eussedore, the Great Blue Wizard. I want to know if you're having some interpersonal problems, if there's anything I may do to assist with my great magical prowess.

Oh, I don't know. Ask him. Ask him. I don't know. Ask him. Okay, well, I've asked both of you, so I already have. Okay, then ask him. Ask him, though. I don't know. I'm too. You know, I don't need this attitude. If I wanted this much attitude, I'd just keep talking to Arnie and Schunt. You know what, I know we've been at odds for a long time, but is it just weird?

Or you fucking hate that wizard. Yeah, what's his deal? Ask him. Ask him. Ask him. Ask him. Ask him. Yeah.

Yeah. What are you asking me? God, I wish you were on the other side of this teeter totter. All right. Teeter totter, I thought it was a seesaw. What's the difference? Domino tomato. Ask him.

I'm going to conjure a cone of silence here. I'll trot-trul-trul. Oh, you can tell they're still talking. There, yeah. They are mad at each other about something. They won't be honest with themselves about it. And then they take it out on me. Sure.

You know, I can't, you know, all I'm trying to do is intercede and, uh, and help other people. Uh, and then, you know, uh, is if I came to you and I said, Ani, what's bothering you? And what would you say to me then? I don't know. I'll say like, ask him probably for. Ask chunt? Yeah, ask him. Well, why would I, I'm asking you.

Well, ask her any. No, I, but I'm not. I don't need to ask him. you a mask, this is a hypothetical while I'm asking Arnie, so Chunt, why would I ask you? Why am I asking you, Chunt? Arnie, is it just me? Yeah, ask him.

I got it, right? Son of him. Speaking of interseed, here's my little patch of dirt. You can see there's a sign that said interseed. So you can just place one seed from the bag here. And here's the thing. I got this bag of seeds from sort of a magical presence.

Each one. A magical presence? Yeah, it wasn't even a form. It was just like a, I just felt something. So it's a bag of 99 beans, and each one, when you grow it, grow something different. So if you guys want to each plant one? Sure. What's the time frame on these growing?

Three to four months. Oh, okay. Some of them. So we should. Okay. If we each take a seed, then you only have 97 seeds. Do we need to replace the seed? Well, I've also planted some.

I've also entered some seeds into the plot. Yeah. Okay, so you have less than 99 at this point. Yeah, I think 95 because I grew, let's see, I grew a dumb horse. Oh. Then there was like a stupid horse. Uh-huh. There was kind of an idiot.

What was that, idiot something? Idiot. Was that a horse? Yeah. Idiot horse. I have seen a lot of confused horses around the castle recently. But first of all, like, why are they in the castle at all? Well, probably because all the Arnie and the Great Hall signs.

Well, that's true. Don't blame the horses, Arnie. I always say that. Don't blame the horses. You always say all our horses somewhere, and I always say, don't blame the horses. Yeah. Yeah, these are definitely low IQ horse seeds. That was the last one.

So five. I planted five. Uh-huh. I guess I'll plant one. So, you know, just poke it in. There. Ooh, who knows what will grow, Arnie? It could be anything in the world.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I see sort of a hoof pop. Yeah. No, that's fast. Chunt, do you want a better room? Like, do you like? I mean, I don't really know what to do here.

Like, if you like it, awesome. And that's great, and I have nothing bad to say about it. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, this room sucks. Absolutely. I hate this room. Crown off King? Yeah. Crown's off, Chunt.

Do you like the room or do you not like the room? I'm in heaven. I love this room. Oh, my God. It's just how I want it. No sunlight. Yeah. Annoying worms, growing horses. This is shit on my bed. This is everything I dreamed of. Well, then I'm glad you're getting what you want.

Mine's coming up head first and his eyes are sort of crossed. Well, we don't know. No judgment yet. Yeah. Man, he's kind of got big front buck teeth. Okay. Is he like me or is he? Okay, we'll wait and see. We'll wait and see, I guess. Well, Arnie, do you want to, um, do you want me to sort of shove you backwards out of the door? door because you can't really, you can't really turn around. Yeah, it's hard for me to do this backwards. It's, I keep missing the door.

I'll just, thank you. Ooh, yeah. I mean, maybe when I visit, I'll kind of like crouch out in the hall. Sure, sure. But also, here is the thing. Like, if you have a private space that, like, it's not easy for other people to get into, I could see how that's very comforting for you.

And I have no judgment of that. He's got a dunce cap on. Yeah, shit. That's a dunce horse. Do you guys mind unwiping your feet? I'd love to. Just don't leave it. Yeah, I just, you know, make sense to not leave it on my mat.

Sure. Yeah, we don't want to track it in, but we don't want to leave it here. Yeah. Well, Arnie, did you want to go to your room? The sort of meat in the sandwich? Oh, I could. I mean, I'm feeling bad. My room is really nice.

Oh. It's a king's room. So I guess I shouldn't. But I don't know. I just feel like... Well, is it any room you're in, a King's room? I guess... Well, we can't take a portal.

And we can't take a rainbow bridge to get there. Hmm. So I think we're going to have to take a... Transfernato. Yep. The tornadoes that transfer you from place to place? That's right. Okay.

I think I should be fine. All right. I just hope there's no fucking witches around. Watch out. Shoo-ish, shoo-swish, shoo-wish. tornado tornado Oh, how was that? Is that better?

Like a barf sprinkler? We just spattered the walls with barf. Oh, most of it ended up in the pond. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's cool. I like that. I like that wall pond. Yeah, it looks pretty good.

It does look like there's something deep and dark in there that it worries me a little bit. Oh, yeah. If you cast a wall pond, you're going to get a Leviathan or two. Uh-huh. car. Arnie, this room. It's big and it's luxurious.

This is one room? This is, yeah, this is, this is one of my rooms. Fuck, I can't possibly be happy with my room now. Oh, shit. I've never seen a column held up by four columns. Well, those are low-baring sub-colums, so you need those. A coffee maker maker? Yeah.

I don't even drink coffee. It's true story. This thing just, this magical plant just makes coffee makers? Yeah. Oh. It was so hard to commission that because, again, like, coffee makers don't naturally exist on this world. So just, like, to communicate that, to get that made was a big indulgence. Wow.

What the fuck? You, sir, look, this door that was shut, when you open it, there's another door, but when you open that door, it's adjoining rooms. What? So you've got a whole suite of rooms in here? Yeah. How many of them are covered in bird shit? None. There's no bird shit in any of them. Look, guys, seriously and truly, and I'm not just saying this to cover my tracks. This was my plan from the start.

I had to make adjoining rooms because I just assumed we'd have adjoining rooms. And then I immediately learned that one of you had moved into the very top of the castle and one of you had moved into the very bottom of the castle. And I was like, oh, I guess that's, I guess that's how things are now. Well, I guess there are two sort of, figures in the bed here, one of me and one of you, Yusador. So it looks like you did. Oh.

Arnie, true to your word, crown off king, it looks like you did make sort of, I want to say like, like, scarecrow versions of us? Yeah, it's not, it'd be cool. Like, we're in a hotel and we have our privacy, but like we can kind of just open the door and have a party between rooms. Do you remember when that scarecrow fought night wine? Kind of. Can you remind me?

It's not that memorable. Guys, is it all right? if I read an email while we're sort of hanging out in our... Well, actually, before I even get to that, you don't have to answer now, but at any time you can let me know if you want to occupy these rooms. Yes, very good, sir.

Yes, sir. Okay. Yeah, I'd love to live here instead of in the Crow's Tower. I'll leave my lab up in the Crow's Tower, and of course I'll have to commune with the moon up there. What do you do when you commune with the moon? Commune with the moon?

Commoon with the moon. Commoon, come moon. Let's comeoon with the moon. Toot and comeoomoo. Of course, I take off all my clothes. Okay. I climb out the window of the tower, and I stand the very tip of the tower. Okay, we have had complaints about this.

And I raise my hand towards the moon, and I say, moon, moon, grant me your power, grant me your power that I may raise foon up from this hellish state and protect all the good men and women and children and creatures who live here, so that they may live forever in peace. And then the moon sometimes sprinkles moon dust on me. and enhances my power slightly. So if I can go up there and do that, that's fine. Or I can do it in here.

Do you have a window? I prefer you did it. You're closer to the moon up there. That's true. That's the good one. But you have your own room. You do whatever you want with it. Kranofking?

Yeah. Orney, if you're going to have us kind of staying in these adjoining rooms, I think we should allow Usador to do his thing. We can do it from our connected room and not in your room proper. Okay, I guess so. Can we just, for no. reason. You store, can yours be furthest from mine? Absolutely. I'd gladly go as far as you need

so that I may commune with the moon. But, Chunt, I appreciate what you've said, and I will commune from the moon from here, because I can't do this all the time. But Arne got me thinking, he said, in the tower, I'm closer to the moon. What if this season I went to the moon? Okay. Whoa.

If you're listening to this year, from now, just scroll down in the feed and see if there's an episode titled something like Usador on the Moon and just see if we did it. Probably midway through the season. Maybe there's a couple of those episodes. Could be a Patreon, USOR. I love this.

Yeah, yeah. A Patreon series with just Usador on the moon. Usur on the Moon. Not us in it. No guests. I'm going to get to the moon. Okay, but I'm so excited. We're all going to move into these rooms. I did want to read an email if that's okay.

Cronoff? Yeah. Absolutely. Okay, great. Okay, let's see here. You can email us at Magic Tavern at Puppies.com. It's a real email address, or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Help support the show, and you can message us there.

Let's see. Before you read the email, I just want to say, yes, going to Patreon, please is an important way to support the show. But I also want to reiterate, this may have become white noise if you listen for a while. Magic Tavern at Puppies. dot supplies is a real email address. Yes. That's fucking crazy. It is. Even in this magical land, this is one of that craziest things. Magic Tavern at Puppies.

Dot Supplies is a real email address. There's also a lot of potential for misspellings in sending that, so who knows how many messages we miss. There's no.com in that. No. You, or didn't you win misspelling? I won her, but I set her free. Aw.

Oh. Okay. Here's an email. with the subject line, please keep the OG theme song. And the email reads, The new trumpets feel less familiar, and I love how the OG intro music makes me feel

every time I zone into the podcast, super relaxing and familiar. Thanks for everything you do. This is but a humble request, sincerely Gwynne. Gwynnegerald? Oh, I don't know. Do you think, oh my gosh,

do you think anyone at House Coffee Knockers listen? of this podcast. No. That would be very, no, okay, yeah. Fair, it's probably someone from Earth, now that I think about it. Well, when we're in the Great Hall, I feel like we're on or bound

to have all the pomp and circumstance, but, you know, when we travel out of the castle or even now, when we're doing like a crown-off episode, maybe we should do some crown-off king episodes more often. Like, Mundle is always with us. Now, Arne, I'm a little confused. Is Gwen saying, possibly Gwendorill, saying that our new theme music has horns in it.

Yes. Okay. So when I enter the Great Hall, typically I go boot-d-d-do. Yeah. To signify the trumpets. Yeah. So we're doing double trumpets? We're doing double trumpets.

Yeah. I mean, I didn't know how to really tell you that. Whoa, double trumpets. Wow. All right, Dr. Pants, get out of here. Dr. Pants, you're not allowed in here. Dr. Pants, get out. he was high out of his mind.

All right, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. Yes, all the way, double trumpets. Yes. So I think like when we're in the great hall, we will use the new theme song, but I'm sure we'll have lots of episodes. And also just know, even when there's a lot more instrumentation, like, Mundle the Grundle is still there playing all the time. He's just, you know, being drowned out by everything else to the point of it,

kind of being useless and sad that he's doing it at all. Or the most of the most of the most of the most. the most important part. Maybe it's not useless and sad. Maybe he's sort of like... Yeah. The linchpin that keeps it all together. Yeah, absolutely.

Right, Arnie? Yes, Mundell, you are the only person that's been in every episode, I think. Arne, when user said or real dramatically, he looked at a clump of ore. I think user is using like flashcards or something. I guess so, yeah. Has to look at a shovel to know about digging.

That's true. Look at a hammer to tinker around. Yeah. I'm worried about our friend. Yeah, why does he got to get to the moon? Well, that I'm into. Yeah, wow. Anyway, thank you so much for the email, Gwen, and thank you to all of our listeners.

Please send us a message. And I guess on that note, since we're not in the Great Hall, should we have Mundel play us out? Sure. Yeah. But before that, though, I just want to let you know I've had a very good time with you both today. Double pat, pat, pat. Double Pat, Pat, Pat. Artie, I think we're legally married to Usador now in his world.

Things are going too fast for me now. They're just way too fast. To the moon! Did everyone catch how a listener, Gwynne, made a humble, genuine request about the opening theme music? And then the host took about a million words to say, no. Do with that as you will, faithful audience. All I know is if I were in charge, you'd have complete control of the theme music. This framing device takes requests.

It would be like a wedding reception. Your choice, vote with your dollars. Usad or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rify. Guestars, who needs them? Maybe it doesn't take a village. We don't need another hero. This show is an island.

Keep leaving those voicemails, Pat and Oswald, not interested. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production. Made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free. episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Ani Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rofi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern

logo by Allard LeBann. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.