Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 6, Ep 8 - Dripfang at Court (w/ Kevin Sciretta)

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

Dripfang LeDesparé visits and demands to be given a royal House. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDripfang: Kevin ScirettaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Marisa Ewing-MoodyMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following podcast is Not Real. And within that Not Real context, you may remember that I run a small shop, Bitsies, bits, and bangles in Hogsface. Lord knows I don't remember it sometimes. But for any residents of Hogsface who might be listening, yes, I am nearly done with my autumn display windows. I'm aware many of you have come to be quite invested in them.

It's just taken me a little longer than expected to create a convincing tableau of the residents of the universe not worrying about portals and interdimensional travel. all done with dried carnations. I may have overstepped, and might have to fall back on my old standard. Taxidermid cats act out the plot of the telltale heart. I hate to resort to fan service,

but the masses like what they like. In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the... Mundel. Mundel, you got away for me to finish the intro. I get it, you're eager to get in there. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Okay, we'll work on it.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Vune. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 11 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the King's Court, where I am accidentally happened to have become King of the Northeast, in Castle Bellaroth, in the magical land of Foon. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, he's head of the Kingsguard, he's an adorable little badger, chump the talking badger.

Crown off, king. How are you? Crown off, buddy. I'm doing good. How are you? Arnie, I am over the moon. Oh, don't say that. For the moon.

Oh, shit. Oh, how exciting. For I have come up with yet another scheme to achieve my goal this season of reaching the moon. Oh, what's the new scheme? Well, this week, I have spoken, spread the word to all the butterflies and all the food. And I believe if I can get them to coordinate them to flap their wings all at once, I'll go flying into the sky towards the moon. Can't you fly?

Oh, yeah, I can fly. Yeah. So you're like, I want to get to the moon. I know who could help me butterflies. You? Well, not, Arnie. It's not a butterfly.

Or even a murder of butterflies. It's all of the butterflies in food. Why not moths? Oh, Arnie. Sour subject. You mean dirty butterflies? No, thank you. Okay.

Yeah, kill a cockroach and you're a hero. Crush a butterfly and you're a monster. What are we doing? I'm sorry, Trent. I interrupted. I was so excited about it. Oh, no, no. John, why aren't you over the moon?

Well, I... The moon? God, this is, damn it. You search a quick pro tip because I've been out of this path before. Uh-huh. You also need to ask most of the caterpillars because daily, my dude, daily they are changing into butterflies. Good thinking. I'll start writing notes right now.

Yeah, get those voters early. Arnie, I'm over the moon because I have... The moon? Damn it. What? I'm sorry? I was writing notes. Do you say something about the moon?

I said I'm over your mom. Yeah. Don't have a mother. Oh shit. Even sore a subject. I'm happy, period. Because I set up something for the three of us, us young studs. Sometime soon, I'm not sure when.

We are going to go steed dating. That's right. Steed dating is the new craze and food. You talk to a woman while. lot of horse and it's over when one of you falls off. Okay. I thought we'd be thrilled. You guys see

sadder than you were moments before. I'm sorry, I'm busy writing these notes to the Caterpillars. Of course, of course. I didn't really hear what you said. I thought Arnie could maybe carry some of the weight here, you know. No, no, yeah. Hey, guys, hey, guys, hey, listen, I'm going to cancel the steed dating. This sucks.

No, no, no, no. Dumb idea. Dime idea by a dumb badger. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, hear before. Steed dating, that's a wonderful idea. I started dating a mayor that way. Oh. Oh. Are you currently in a relationship? Oh, no. Is this

the mayor that is on the east side of the town? Yes, yes, that's correct. I'm dating the mayor of East Town. And I'm this was, you know, it's early days. I'm sorry I went steed dating without all of you. But it's a fun, it's early days.

So, you know, I'm still dating around. So I can go to another steed dating event and I, maybe I'll meet a foal. Ooh, a cult even? A cult. Arnie, you can be inducted into a cult. Arnie, you simply must sew your royal oats. Oh, must I? I think that's, you know, that's part of the, not even the perks.

I think that's part of the duty of being king. So, wait, when you say I have to sow my royal oats, is, are we talking about, like, feeding a horse? or are we talking about like being a dirty butterfly? Both, my king, both. Okay. Well, I guess I got to get back. I got to get out there. So, you know, okay, sometime soon I'm totally up for steed dating.

Whoa, Arnie, calm down. You're totally up for steed dating? Whoa. Oh, my gosh. People are checking in on what's made the gig so thrilled. You must try steed dating. And you must be truly excited about it. Because in addition to going to the moon this season,

the three of us are going to get girlfriends, remember? Oh, the stakes have never been lower on this show. Oh, yeah, somebody dropped all the stakes. You're fired. Girlfriends. Well, I didn't mean to drop the stakes. I just got excited because I heard about steed dating. Dr. Pants, you're fired. You're off the show.

Bye. I think of the castle. Thank you. Finally. Stuck around longer than any of us thought what you would. Wait, wait, Dr. Pants, you're still. You're still on the payroll. What?

That's right. Punishment, you stick with us. Still employed. Got his ass. One of these days he's going to be interesting, I can tell. Arney, um, did I just fuck that up? Was Dr. Pants our guests for today? No.

Although, I'm so, I hate to bring this up because it's sort of your job, but, uh, or do you have, like, a list of people who are requested in a dress with the king? Yes, yes, yes. That's not really my little. We're just buddies, and I don't want to pull like a power dynamic, but that is your job. Of course. It's not my job to keep track of who's coming in here. I guess it's crown on king. Okay, all right.

Let's get down to business. Who's seeking an audience with the king? It's almost more insulting for you to just keep going. Sorry, it's your job. It is your job, but it is your job. I love you so much. But it's your job. Requesting an audience with the king.

Okay, for the 1 p.m. time slot. Droop. Droop. Droop. Droop Frank? Sorry, I spilled wine on my list here. Droop Frank. Is there a drop frank here?

I do love that name. Droop Frank. King of Northecia, your problems are solved. Hey, how's everybody doing today? It's good to see you. Hi, how I love what you've done with this place. God, normally I will say the Belarus have a dump of a castle, but this place actually looks not too shabby,

except for all the stakes on the goddamn ground. Hi, how are you? Drop Frank is a star. Wow. Okay. So you just like leave the flaming yawn or everything just right there for everybody. Love it. Love what you've done with the place.

I him here to present myself to the king of Northeastia. Look him right in the eyes and say, what the f you got to be fucking kidding me. Drip Fang, it's me. Arby's knee blamps. Arby's knee blamps. Arby knee blamps. What are you doing sitting in the throne of Northeast? you. Get out of the, the king is going to walk in here

any minute, and he's going to chop your head off. Not that I can give a shit. You're never going to believe this. Check this shit out. I'm king. I'm king of the northeast now. It's true, Dr. Fang. No. Okay. Fun for, fuck, Usador. Shing, sword. Hold back. For now you face Yusidor the blue.

The first quarter-appointed magician of King Arnold I. It's Ernie. What the fuck? Oh, and hey, John, how's the coming? Hello. Grab a steak. Hey, what's? Oh, yeah, happy steak day. Is it steak day today?

It's steak day. Let's say this floor. Happy steak day, everyone. Happy steak day. To all who celebrate. All right. Everybody fucking be cool. All right.

Because if there's one thing I don't like, it's an ambush. And if there's two things I don't like, it's pranks. This is obviously a prank because there's no fucking way that Arby Neblamps is the king of Northeastia. I heard that there was a new guy, but I just figured it was one of the weird Belaroth, cousins that fell off the inbred tree. No, Tom Blaine walked into a mirror and said he wanted to be a dog or something. I don't quite remember. Yeah, but it totally makes sense.

Hold on. This is, hold on. Hold on. Let me check, um, magic news. I get the newsletter that updates me on everything that's not going on and where exactly I'm standing in food. All wizards and sorcerers and necromancers get it. I don't get that.

Is that worth the hundred gold a year? Huh? Oh, only if you get the premium. plan, but I'm still using an old, I'm still using an old pass code that I stole from somebody at work. So I get it for free. I have a scroll where I don't pay for it, but I can only like get one or two spells a month. And then I'm locked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they get the little, the other scroll comes up from the bottom. And it's a, do you want to support local scroll work for only this amount of money? And you're like, fuck off. I used to have it. And then I realized I was paying 100 gold a year just to do the daily cussword. And it was like, and it's a lot of repeat cuss words. Yeah. Monday's the easiest.

I feel like, was it, Friday was the hardest cuss word? Yeah. But isn't it true that you kept getting Queen Beach? That is true. That happened quite a bit. And I feel like, I was like, are they listening to me? Are they tailor making these cuss words? So I just kind of fell off.

You have to go through all the end of the week because the daily cussword at the end of the week with always the compound cussword. And if you said it loud enough, then whatever you're holding burst into flames. That's worth it. That's cool as hell. Yeah. How the fuck did you become the king of Northeasteria? Well, someone's clearly not listening to the podcast. Look, we had a little bit of a coup, and we discovered that the only way to keep everyone in the Northeast... I don't care anymore.

What were you going to say when I cut... I just cut you off. I like the mini cuss word. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, those are free. It's easier for me to just be like poo or something like that, you know?

I like to cuss nections, where they give you a bunch of different cusses and you have to see how they are all. relate to each other. Yeah. You're like, oh, these are all four letters. Sometimes the person who writes them

is up their own ass, though, because they get really esoteric, like even for wizards. That's true. Oh, okay, here's today's free

mini cussword. Okay, it's a four-letter word. Starts with an H. Orifice. Hmm. Hell. Hell. Okay.

It says no. The magic paper says no. Well, fuck that magic paper. H. H. Starts with an H. H. H.

H-A-N-U-S. Okay, they're saying, okay, they're calling me dumb. They said that's five letters. They're calling you dumb. Look, everyone, I don't want to draw attention to this. You see that magic paper. But don't look out the window right now. There is a fox out there at the edge of the forest who keeps saying that all of this bullshit is fake.

What? There's a fox sitting on the edge of the forest who keeps saying that the, that everything in the magical paper is fake. He's screaming at the top of his lungs. It's crazy. I figured out the cusses where. it's hope, so it's a little dark. Oh, that fucking fox. Oh, that fucking fox.

How I hate it. Yeah, all it does is sit at the edge of the forest and tell everybody not to take potions. And it keeps waving around a discredited study that's saying that potions will give you a condition that it's incurable. But it's just, it's just not cruel. The fox knows Jenny McCarthy from high school. But then Fox's friend Max is also trying to sell you vitamins. I don't know what the hell to think. Oh, yeah.

The new Max? Yeah. The new Max. Yeah. his new friend, New Max. Guys, my dad loves that fox. Please don't, please don't chase it away, please. Your dad sucks and so does that fox.

Hey, everybody who's in this court right now. If you have a family member who still loves that fox, go to their house and throw three things they love right in the garbage. Right in front of them. Just go in and say, hey, what's this? And they'll be like, that's my precious moments fit. And then you just toss that shit right in the fucking trash in front of them. Oh, Ani, have we, have we,

told you about precious moments before? No. What are those? Here in Foon, you can cast a spell where you pull a precious moment directly out of your mind, you keep it encapsulated in a perfect little gem, and then you can always look back at that one precious moment in your life. You can only do it once in your life.

And that will be the single precious moment. So you don't want to do it too early. Sure. Because if you're like, you're like, oh, I graduated from high school. Yeah. What a precious moment. And then like, ten years later, you're like, that's not that big a deal.

Yeah, you don't want to be like, that was a great episode of Growing Paines. That's going to be my precious moment. A great one episode of WhoingWares? Growing Pames. It was a show on my world. It was not great. Arnie, I'm going to collect that as an ordinary incident. Drip Fang, we lived on Earth with Arnie in the 80s for a while when he was still a child.

Gross. And we saw some episodes of Growing Pains. And I have to tell you, I can't wait to see what this Kirk Cameron does. Oh, is that the main? He was the lead of the show, very charming, young man, very talented. There was a play within the play where he was in a thing called Our City. Our City, very talented. And his sister was a DJ.

And his sister was a DJ. What the fuck is a DJ? I have to write all this down so that I could look it up later. But also, write down the fact that I'm not just here to be surprised that you're the of Northeastia. Oh, well, if that's not what you're here for, what are you here for today, Trifay? It looks like you need something from the king. Shut up.

All right, so I was going to come into this room, and I was going to wow whatever weird Bellaroth was looking at me while trying to figure out how the world works. And I was going, I heard that the houses are up for grabs. I heard that there's houses that you can get named as a house and perhaps like a grand house of Northeaster. So I decided that I wanted a little piece of the action. I'm done for a little bit, just footing around, just having a good old time. And I thought that I should get a house and that I should also get rich while having that house.

So I came here to make my pitch to the King of Northeustia to grant me, Drifengle de Sparre, everybody's favorite occasional guest on this show, to be a holder of a house. So I think I can throw away the pitch that I was going to give to their king or whoever was going to rule. And I could just look at you right, Arby, and be like, you just got to give it to me now. King Arnold, may I say it's Arby. King Arby. There are so many houses that we could, of course, create a new house. But some of the houses...

Candle Aber gold? He's stealing stuff. Chun, watch him. Yeah, what you're trying to say is there's so many... As I, like, we've been talking about it for weeks. There are already so many houses in the Northeast. How are we supposed to keep track of them? I can't believe there's room for more.

This painting looks old. You could revoke a current house. Chuck, put that bag a little bigger. There you go. Think about Lord Draven Dreadmore from the beginning of the season. House Dreadmore off to start a competing podcast, potentially. You could take away his titles and lands. Oh, I think those are a set.

Those paintings are reset. Oh, I'll grab the other one too, great. And then once you make Tripfang a lord or a baron or something, in your kingdom, you'll have to become our ally. As I've always wanted to turn one of our villains into a hero. This carpet that goes from the door all the way to the throne looks pretty expensive. I'm going to roll this up. Oh, do you need help with that?

Nope, I got it. Okay. All right, I'm just put in there. So, you know, you could get rid of the smut butts or the cold sores, the night wines, whoever you're, I don't know if I feel good about taking away someone's house, but also at the same time, I just keep hearing from people. I'm never going to get a house. I am never, what I got to do to hope to ever get a house.

The market's brutal. Everywhere else, the market is just absolutely brutal. And a lot of people who have houses got them like 30 or 40 years ago at like a ridiculous interest, like a ridiculous little interest rate. And then they just hold it over everybody else's head. Like, why, you just do what I did and just buy a house for? for 1,400, foonish dollars, because you work in a blueberry polishing store, then that leads to,

that leads to even more fights at dinners than most families who have to deal with a dad who watches that fox. How did you know about my second job? The blueberry polishing store? Yes. I've heard there's good money in blueberry polishing. Well, you were the employee of the month

when I stopped in there and I stole the plaque. Damn it, I never should have let them put that plaque. You stole the plaque. That's my. No. No, it's mine. Arnie, you're going to be bickering for a minute. While we take a break. We'll be right back.

Thanks for doing that, because that's your job. So, Drip, Frank, you're here house hunting. Yeah. I mean, you know, sell me on. Like, why should we put you in a house? I mean, just... I'm not going to lie to you, Arby. I thought about getting this house to try to start something new,

but every time I try to do something new... you schmucks are standing there. Every time I try to turn around and every time I try to do something just outside of it, it being my general existence that's normally, I have to turn around

and there's the blue idiot with his hat and chunt, and there's R.B. Blamps. And it's very frustrated. Even now where I want to get a house, where I want to get a house and put my name on it and looking for, maybe it's like

just like a split level, or like a ranch where I can raise my horses and then get people to ride on them to do steed dating as a second form of passive income. Oh, see, it's a hit. I can't do it because I got to fucking pitch you on it. Fuck.

Fuck, dick. Fuck dick and suck. Oh, that's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thank you. How dare you insult our king on steak day? This is King Arby. He has the meats. Yeah.

Yeah. Drove Frank, put that steak back on the floor. And another thing, why is your whole thing is now trying to sell everybody on steak nuggets? It's the grossest thing I've ever seen in my life. You've perverted two wonderful things by combining them. Steak and the concept of nuggets. By putting them together and then putting them in a little paper cup and trying to get people

to eat them while they ride in their cart. It's a perversion. I'm saying that as a villain. Just hear me out. Steak is great, but what if you never had to cut it? I hate this. so much and you. Dr. Pants, Dr. Pants.

Yes. Steak Day is going over like a fart in church. Take away the Arne Asada. Okay. I've got it. Do you want me to leave this Arbicoba? Yeah, actually do leave that. Yeah. Okay.

Arne, we did have some Arnaisada, which was a Arneesada, which was an Arneesada, and I feel like at this point, it's really, it's not, it doesn't feel appropriate. Huh, all this time I thought that was a mirror over there. That's just like a meat, like meat squished together to look like me? Yeah, Arnie, you do have a nice sear on you. I guess so.

I mean, when you think about it, you're just meat squished together to look like you as well. Yeah. Don't I know it? So that's what I've been thinking, Arnie. The whole time it's the house is, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I was talking to the steak, Arne. Hey, can you flap your arm so quick so I can make sure that you're the real Arne? Oh, do I have to?

Flap your arms, nerd. Okay. Hey, look at it. He's a butterfly. fly. Oh, I have to write to these caterpillows. The whole point is that you just established me as a house.

My main pitch is because I want it. And you should give it to me. I think it would be cool. I just had like a cool crest. It would just like me riding an ice worm with like two snakes jumping out from behind me. I could have all my cool friends over to hang out. And then also, I'm willing to do horrible, evil,

dastardly, brutally violent things to other houses who would oppose you. And that's the kind of value that you don't get in a lot of houses. A lot of these houses are out there looking for themselves. They want to accumulate power or they want to control the spice or anything like that. They love the scheme. They love it. They love scheming and they love plotting.

And there's two things that I am good at. Scheming and plotting. And the third thing is doing brutal violence that benefits me specifically. So you be willing to bend knee to our majesty here, King Arby of Neekab. I mean, bend in a knee is, I mean, I will, I'll sign some paperwork. Okay. I'll use an alias and I'll do it through a shell company. Just as long as I don't have to do any just like open, you know, shows of supplication.

Got it. But, like, yeah, if we can do this all under the table, because another thing that I won't do is pay taxes. So you can't tax me and you have to give me everything I want. And also you have to name me number one house and the best of all time. Can we tax the people who live in your fiefdom? I can't express to you how little I give a fuck about the people who live in my fiefdom. I think we have an agreement then. Yeah, absentee. I will be absentee for them.

They're going to call the office and I'm not going to be there. There are a few more questions we need to ask you. Chunt Arnie, feel free to jump in here. I'm going to drink while you ask me. Please. Yes, a round of drinks for the king and for the king's god. And for our guest here, the possible future Lord Dripfanglet Espore. I like the sound of that.

It's got a good ring to it, even though Deuthor said it, I hate you, but I respect you. I hate you, but I respect you. Now, you said you had a bunch of friends who would be kind of hanging out in your manner or your keep with you. And can we just hear about a few of them? Are they the kinds of people we want associated with the reign of King Arnold? Yeah, sure. If they sound like people that maybe we would want to eventually have on the podcast, that it would just sound so appealing and interesting.

Just let it happen. Do you want me to name some famous yet accessible people that might be able to be reached out to be part of this little hodown? Just whoever you're hanging with. Oh, well, one, Mr. Cooper. I heard he's going to be around. Two, everybody that I'm thinking of is pretty villainous, pretty fucking, pretty rocking and rolling. I still talk to Anastasia's spinoff.

Oh, you're your assistant. She's not my, well, not anymore. She's graduated. The way that you graduate as a villain's assistant or apprentice is that you terrify them to the point where they run away screaming. And she's become powerful enough that I got really scared and I ran. away from her screaming. So she'll show up. She's a lot of fun. Brad of the pits. He'll be there.

Oh, he has King Ani. Do you know about Brad of the pits? I think so. This guy has seven pits. Yeah. Each one is worse than the last. Yeah. Yep, yep. Yeah, he's got each of them is a level.

And he just got an Italian guy to write about them. And each level of that, the Italian guy uses like an allegory for his life and a way to make fun of his rivals. Nobody that I've talked to knows what the word Italian means, or we're assuming it's some sort of elf. So yeah, Brad of the Pits, he's got those. Leonardo decapitated. He'll be coming through.

He's got no head, is that right? Carries it under his arm now. But he was decapitated, so that is still an accurate description. Yeah, yeah. He was incapitated, but he picked up his head, and now he carries it around under his arm. Now can he still vape? He demands that he must. He demands that he's vapor at all times.

I see. But we try to curtail that for when he's in, you know, places of business that don't discourage it. That and we're trying to get him to date anyone over the age of 25. Who else? Who else? Who else? Who else? Oh, Scarlet fever, Johan's son.

Oh. Oh, she's deadly. Yeah. So she's the son of Joe Hans? Yeah, Joe Han's son, Scarlet Fever. And, you know, Joe Hans, he's, he's, he's all, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, probably get Wusley's, yeah, did you ever hang out with, uh, other villains, like Dr. Cold or anyone like that? Oh, sure. Oh, coldy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's, um, his name's a little, yeah, me, yeah. Dr. Cole. I hate that guy. You hate Dr. Cold? Oh, yeah. One of my long-time arch nemeses, we've talked about it before. Never really had him on the show, though. You should have him in.

I knew him when he was intern, Colt. Oh, really? Yeah, when he just- terrified you and ran away? Oh, no, he was studying under somebody else. Oh, I see, I see, I see. Yeah, he didn't have to terrify me to graduate from evil medical school. Isn't his origin story?

He was at a restaurant and his wife was chilly and neither one of them brought a sweater and she died? That's right. Is that Dr. Cold? That's right. That's exactly what happened. Yeah, and he just keeps screaming. He wants his baby back, baby back, baby back. He wants his baby back.

Oh, and he just, he gets mad if he sees anybody dressed up like a bat. One of the craziest parts of it, too, is that they were both chili, but she was literally a bowl of chili who was also cold. That's right. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, the good type, too. It wasn't poured over spaghetti or anything like that. This is Belleroth wine.

It's great. Did they have a... No, that's inappropriate. Did they have a chili three one? No, no, no, no. As Drip Fing was saying, they are not from that god-forsaken land where spaghetti and onions are mixed with chili and then sold in some perverse fashion covered with cinnamon. and cheese.

That unholy union, even Dr. Cold, shall not go there. It's a form of evil beyond even a skyline. So I think I just prove to you that I've got to cachet amongst the cool villains of fun to bring them in and hang out at my house and be valuable allies to you,

who I am assuming is king of everything here by accident. Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this. I mean, Drip Fang is one of our words. villains. He's literally killed me, stabbed me through. Like, one of the few guests I've ever said, I will never forgive. And yet, let the sword. Damn it, I got to admit, the listeners love having him on. And if he's a little closer, if he's in town, maybe he's on the podcast a little more often.

And also, who would ever suspect we're working together? The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Drip Fang. Would you assist us in our question? to defeat the evil wizards of foon should the time come where the House of Arnold is threatened? You're going to have to write down a number. Okay.

And that is going to be the amount of whatever counts as money around here. Oh, we have a, oh, it's newly minted. We have Arnie Knie Knie Coins. Here, just take a couple. What's? It's a little busy on, it's, it's a, me flying. I'm kissing a dog and my head is in the clouds. and my feet are geese.

Did you design this because you were mad at your subject? This is a nightmare on here. I mean, we've already discussed this, but I was very concerned that Arnie got into power and immediately wanted to put his face on everything. Yeah, oh, you're not wrong. What I can say as a villain is if you come into power and you start putting your face on everything.

Also, no big red flag. Seriously, no big red flag. Okay. I veto that. Does he have that power? Uh, Chunt, uh, Usador, side conference. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Can he veto stuff? Well, he can declare things. I, I don't think there's anything for him to veto because he's not working in a parliamentary system. So I think he's very confused about the whole veto versus declaration thing. We'll let a lot slide. Sure, sure, sure. We just kind of let him cook. You got to let him cook.

He usually sleeps off whatever he was thinking about doing. Oh, yeah, I mean, hey, we've all been there. Just lay down and forget you were thinking about the other day. Uh, follow-up question. Um, is anyone named Vito in the court? Because that's going to get, that's going to get pretty confusing. They're all just standing around the edge of the room. I'll ask them. Are any of you guys named Vito?

Oh, I'm Vito. Oh, shit. There's like, there's like six of them. I'm also Vito. I'm father Vito, the son of Vido senior, and also the father of the other four Vidos in the room. Oh, I love father Vito Sarducci. Then one of them's Vigo. One of them's actually Vigo. That's Vigo. Morton's son. I am Morton.

Hello, Morton. Wait, hold on. Vigo doesn't have anything to drink. Someone get a vessel for Vigo. Oh, with such an amazing reveal, it's got to be time to take a break. What the fuck? Jump at your job. Jump that was your job.

Uh, do, do, do, do. I'll break something. Smash. His split. So drip bang. Hypothetically, say, I, I don't know, what I even call it? Like, gift you a house, like, a... Bequiv me.

You bequeath me, you bequeath me the title of a house owner. I bequeef you a house. Reimqueef, Artie. Come on. On steak day. Close the beef curtains. We're, guys, we're shutting it down. Okay, you get a house.

You get a house. And you get a house. And you get a house. Check under your chairs. What kind of things? What will you do to undermine my enemies, the houses that are plotting against me? Killing graveyard dead? and as zombies and put them in my thrall.

Wow. That's pretty good. Actually, here's the tough part, though. Dripang, I don't know if you know this. The whole reason that I'm king is I've made everyone in the Northeast unkillable. Oh, shit, that's right. You can't kill my enemies because no one who is a citizen of the Northeast can be killed. You can't even red wedding anybody.

I can't kill anybody. You couldn't kill anybody. Well, not anyone under technically under Ani's rule is how the magic of that. It's like you could kill tourists, I guess. Okay. I wouldn't love it. That's really just there a bit. Okay.

Are they unkillable as they have already been killed? So are they unkillable or are they undead? Because if they're undead, I can work with that. House Dirtnap is, I think, mostly undead. Yeah, that's a zombie house. Although were these zombies before my reign? I think so. Okay.

So there's some undead already around. Arnie, I'll have to go back and listen to that scroll. Okay. So the whole thing would be like, okay, so as you know, I'm a fucking necromancer. Yeah. So the whole, like, main thing is working with things that have gone beyond the veil. You know what I'm talking about? Is it, though?

I mean, I know you're a necromancer, but also. I don't know. I'm also a chef. I'm also like a well, I'm also a food-renowned chef. Incredible chef. Yeah, I can, I can, that's why I got it so excited when I saw the stakes on the floor. I mean, if the health department's not around, I can have those things singing. You can guss him right up.

I gussing him right up. Oh, that's, that can be my new catchphrase if I ever open a restaurant. Come on out of drip fangs. We'll gussy that right up. Bring in your raw ingredients. It looked. Oh, God. This is a...

I already sound like I've opened a place that's fucking insufferable. Now, give me the... Yeah, give me the zombie house. Give me something where they're already walking around and they're barely verbal. Just making weird groaning noises and shuffling around. And I can whip them in a shape. And then anybody comes around here...

Well, anybody comes around here. I turn them right on them. For you. Your Majesty, may I also put forth that people who have already died in food, who have been buried, I think as long as you don't ruffle any feathers with the other houses, if you want to go to their graveyards, if you want to go to their cemeteries and their tombs, and reanimate anyone that you like. I think we give drip frang free reign of anyone who's already a corpse.

What do you think about that? Okay, before you make any decision, full necromanic disclosure, a lot of the new spells that I've whipped up, require me to beat the shit out of a bird. So by definition, I will have to ruffle some feathers in order to execute, play on words, the certain spells that you're talking about. Just so you know, just in terms of a contract, do a lot of these things. I do have to grab an ostrich and hit it with a shovel. And I didn't love the phrase necromanic disclosure. I'm sorry, are we not all familiar with legal terminology? That's just how you talk about necromancy.

That's just, sorry. I'm Vito. No, we're past that. Vito. Vito? A while ago. I'm also Vito. No, no.

Oh, my God. What is going on? Is there an echo coming back? Are the majority of people here named Vito right now? I'm Vibo. Okay. We don't care about that. Look down here.

Look down here. I see you. Stop. I'm beepo. Stop tugging on my robes. Hey. Everyone, shut out. Feed me fish.

Feed me fish. I'm bibo. You want fish on steak. You sir, give all my cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. Here's cheeseburger. Here's cheeseburger. No coke Pepsi.

Is this fish? No, it's not fish. Fuck you. Fuck you. Everyone who's not named Vito. Raise your hands. I like that Bibo guy. Just Bibo.

Fucking hell. All Vito's except. for one Bibo. Bebo. Bebo. And a Vigo. Get out of here. And a Vigo.

That's true. Never mind. There's so many different types of people. There's a lot of diversity of names in here. Hey, give me what I want. Hey, make me,

I want to be rich. Give me, give me this house thing and make me, make me gentry. Make me land a gentry. Make me a problem for the middle and lower classes. Okay, one moment, your thing.

Just let me consult. with my most trusted advisors. Me, Bibo? No, no, although... Arty, fine. Bibo. Bibo, what do you think we should do? Bibo, what should we do here? Bibo thinks you should...

Bibo! Bibo! Okay, fucking hell. Bibo, Bibo, Bibo. See, like a fucking smorpe. Why does he just says his own name as verbs? Bibo, Bibo, give Bibo some fish. Wow. He went like a Nerf football.

John, what do you think we should do? Um, I feel... We bounce back in the room. Bebo, bebo, bebo, bebo. Oh, son of a bitch. Bebo, bebo. My bones are made of sponges. Bebo, bo, bebo.

That can't be right. Artie, that can't be right. That can't be right. Bebo knows Bebo, right? Bebo knows Bebo and bibbo is sponges mostly. Shit, is that a t-shirt. Bebo. If it rained, he'd be like 30 feet tall.

Artie, I think, I think we offer, here's the thing. If he's house hunting, I feel like we offer him two separate houses. One that's dramatically out of his price range. Okay. And then the one we want him to take. Bibo, you have the sharpest teeth I've ever seen. Bibo, someone complimented you.

What do you say? Jesus. What the fuck Bivo? Jesus, crost. He's got like six throws of teeth. Ernie, can we keep him? Bibo? Yeah.

You gotta keep Bibo. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. He's already so disruptive. Oh, you would. would want us to take rock steady, the steadiest rock in all of Northeastia. I mean, it's a really steady rock. It's a rock with a hat, Artie. It's nothing. What about Bebop?

Well, Bebo, I think we want to take. I take Bebop. It's a variation on a more established and linear art form that it's derived from, but it still pushes the musical genre that it was based in in fun and exciting directions. And also, Bebo just swallowed an entire suit of armor. I see how we got there now. Ah, well, Arnie, I think you need to give Drip Fang his own house,

and honestly, I think you need to give Bibo his own house, too, because these guys are fucking crazy. And the only way to keep them under our control is to make sure that they're loyal to the throne. Okay, well, how about this? We give Drip Fang a house, but he has to share it with Bibo. Because here's the thing,

are we going to have Bibo one without Dripfang? I just don't think that's going to happen. I think they're a package deal now. They're a package deal. All right. Drip Fang. We're willing to give you a house. Make house Le Desparais a true thing on this very day.

On one condition, you have to have a wacky roommate named Bebo. It can be any Bebo of your choosing, but there's one right here. Bebo. Bebo just broke his lease. Oh, great. Wait, hold on. Is there anyone else here named Bebo?

No, I don't do that. Bebo? I'm Pebo. Yeah, I'm Bebo. I'm Bebo. All right. You got to take all these B-Bos and the P-Bow. I'm Lobo.

Oh, fuck. I don't think we can talk to that one. No, that's not we're not. From an intellectual property standpoint. Yeah, it's an I-key thing. Yeah, I mean, they just brought him back. He's intellectual? Well, his name's trademarked at the very least.

All right. I humbly. Respectfully. I love that. Delicately. Beautiful. Oh. Do not.

But not except the terms of this. I'll take it. I'll take my house. I'll take this Bebo. I wasn't listening when anybody else said their names, except for Lobo, which again, I think that'll get you sued. No, you shouldn't be here. Get on your space bike and get the fuck out of here. No, and if you're listening, listeners do not draw us with Lobo.

If you draw this episode, do not draw Lobo in it. Please, whatever you do, do not draw Lobo. Do not tag DC Comics and a picture of us with our friend Lobo. Make sure that any art that you generate, the main man is not Lobo, the last Cesarian. But he's going to fly away on his super bike, and I'm going to take this Bebo, who is standing next to me, who is still chewing on a plate of armor, and we will start the house that you have. decreed. If there's any paperwork, I said before that I would sign it, I also refused to do that. I just want you to give me a giant place to live. There's only one piece of paper, and you don't have

to sign it, but one of your snakes has to bite it. Oh, okay. Okay. Great. Let me just generate it from underneath my fingernail, which is the most painful thing I can go through. Oh. Okay. Yep. Hal, just go ahead and bite that for me. Ideally, in blue venom, we're trying to We're trying to start well the fuck. You should have said that before I put it out. That's right. I'm sorry. We should have.

We're just trying with like certain, just to organize the papers. That's a whole other finger, chunt. You got to fucking say these things. All right. Blue venom. We're going to think it's a correction or something.

It's not final. You're just redlining it. Hold on. This is blue venom is the fucking ring finger. Hold on. Ooh. That. Okay.

And then I just get. Okay. Go ahead and bite that for me. Thank you. And I'm so sorry, bite here. And bite here. Okay. Double bite here.

Great, great. One thing here. All right. Okay, triple bites here. Please just make, this is so fucking painful. And Marilyn, Maryland has something else to do. A few more bites here, and this is your copy. There you go.

You're all set. All right. We did it. Despite everything that the market is told us, we are a house owner in Northeastia. If you try to get any money from me, I will revolt and I will kill everyone in this room who's not Bebo. Okay. Fair enough. And Bebo just sign here.

Bebo. Okay. And here. Bebo. And double signature here. Bebo, Bebo. Initials here. How is it getting signed by him just saying his name at it?

Bebo. What the hell? Some sort of inherent magic. Okay. Yeah. Bebo. Hi, Bebo. Can I have your autograph?

Bebo. Whoa. He signed like 20 autograph. That guy's selling those autographs. You can tell. Bebo. Bebo, say your name at my forearm so I can get a tattoo. Bebo.

This guy's a hit already. Does anyone want my autograph? What's your name? Dr. Pants. So anyway, thanks so much for the house. I really appreciate it. Normally, when I hang out with you guys, I want to commit wholesale murder of the three of you,

and then raise you from the dead, and then kill you again. and raise you from the dead again and kill you even more horrible way. Oh, you miss us. And raise you, never say that. And then raise you from the dead again and feed you to Bebo. But this time, I don't feel that as much.

Oh, that's very nice of you. That's the most progress we're ever going to make. Oh, honey, we've done it. Brought one of villains on to our side. Bebo, we did it. Bebo, we did it. We got a house. We have a grand...

We have a whole... holding here in the Northeastia. Do you understand any of the words that I'm saying? Oh, beeper, beeper, beepo. I want Dr. Pants's autograph. Kill that guy. Vito, you're so slow. Vito's got no shot.

No shot. Well, the first decree that I want to make is the Lord of House of Led Despore is inviting you all to my house to go fuck yourselves. What? What? Yeah, eat shit. What? He's flipping his off the double moon.

What? Yeah, and then these two birds have landed on my hands, and they're flipping you off. What the hell? What the hell? Fuck. Yeah, eat shit. Ain't that right, Bibo? Yeah, Bibo, he said that wearing sunglasses, so you know he means.

Son of him. Usador, don't just stand there and take it, animate that Arni Asada and have it to attack those birds. All right, very well. Aerolew, T-da-da. Bebo, devour. Damn it. Oh, boy, he's starting from the end. That's the real artist.

He needs, he needs the real artist. Stop it. Oh, hold on. It'll void the contract. Don't kill him yet. Don't kill him yet. Oh, Bibo. Man, it's just, I came to the northeast. Northeast you're thinking that I, again, trick of Belleroth, maybe meet up with my buddy, Super Beast.

You know he opened a tavern? Oh, no. Yeah, the Super Beast. He got married. He opened a tavern. That's great. Oh, wow, that's great. Yeah.

Sometimes he still gets a good faith. Sometimes he still gets huge and just like stompes around the bay to scare the shit out of people. There's a giant shadow that's casting like a super beast figure. That's my guy. At his age, he still gets huge. Can you believe it without any help too? Yeah, he doesn't use any of him's type of potions. Unless you don't want me to say that because they might be a sponsor.

They might. After all I know. Listeners, do not draw us next to Lobo taking a dose of him. Hymns. I think that you have almost guaranteed that that is going to happen. I can't, I can't picture anything else, and I can't, I certainly can't picture the fans of this, not drawing that. And don't title it, Hems a Lobo.

This, I mean, I mean, what I, I, I don't admire you, boys, but what I do admire is that when you're in a hole, you, grab a shovel. And you don't use it to hit an ostrich. You use it to dig that hole even deeper. Yeah, what else are you going to do? Hit an ostrich with it. Yeah. When they go high, we lobo. Son up, hit me. There we are. A perfect,

painstakingly realistic etching of the hosts standing next to Lobo, absolutely feasting on a dose of hymns. Now, to just email this to the internet. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chuntah talking

Badger was played by Adlerofi. Drip Fang the Necromancer was played by a crotchety old flamingo with a cigar and droopy overalls? Oh no, it says here played by special guest Kevin Sorretta. Kevin appears weekly at I.O. Chicago as a member of the improvised Shakespeare Company and regularly as contributor at the paper machete. Saturdays at Chicago's revered Mafia Stronghold, the Green Mill. His substack, The Secret Ward of Chicago, where you can read about the part of Chicago that

exists just outside of reality, ugh, I already love it, can be found at the secretward.substack.com. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free

episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adul Ruffey. Post-production Coordination by Garrett Shultz. Oh, no

corrections this week on how Sorretta is pronounced, Garrett? I thought not. Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Marissa Ewing Moody. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBahn. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Bebo.