Hello From The Magic Tavern - Winter Solstice Bonus 2025

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

Arnie, Chunt and Usidore exchange gifts and try to find ways to do good this holiday season. Also there's a song from a listener.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandI’ll Meet You in Foon: DamarinListen to Arnie’s Christmas music podcast No Skip Christmas!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

People of Earth, the following bonus scene is even less real than the standard podcast. Don't get me started. But before we jump into the yearly winter solstice bonus scene, a quick reminder that you can give a gift subscription to the Magic Tavern Patreon. For a year, for a couple of months, whatever you think someone deserves. You can also threaten someone with a Magic Tavern gift subscription until they change their problematic behavior. It's an easy last-minute gift. The perfect reflection for the lack of care you take with your personal relationships. And by you, I mean me. Link in the show notes. Speaking of

the Patreon, I have a fan song written and performed by a member of the Patreon which I'll put at the very end. Something to look forward to. Anything to look forward to. Now listen and enjoy. All right, I have the recording set. And now I know this is a little bit of a pain in the butt, but I thought if we pre-record our annual winter solstice bonus scene, then we can just have a little bit more of a break around the holiday time. Okay. Sort of get ahead of it.

I know it's not peak winter solstice yet, but I did get each of you a gift. Oh, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me. Okay, this is for you, chunt, and this is for you, Yusador. Oh, thank you. Ooh, mine's going to be moving. Shake, shake, shake, shake. It's a beautiful box with paper on it and ribbon around it.

How beautiful. Thank you, Ani. Well, you're welcome, you, Sador. Oh, and now in retrospect, I could have just gotten you that. I'll also have to file that information away in my brain for next year. Yeah, you sort of like a cat. If you unwrap it and open it and look in the box, there is a gift inside. Okay. Let me very carefully lift up this corner.

Whoa. I got a smiling snake. Look, Usur, a smiling snake. Oh, a smiling snake. How wonderful. That's the thing you wanted, right? You said smiling snake. I couldn't remember when I got to the store.

Yes, they're the friendly snakes that don't bite. Yes, which is ironic because they have huge teeth. You can see when they're smiling with. Yeah, the better to smile with. But less pointy than, you know, most snakes. And they don't hiss, they piss. At least that's what the jingle said. They piss a lot.

There's a lot. See, it's coming out now. Oh, surprising amount of piss. Yeah, you got to watch. Turn around, everyone. Turn around. You're making it nervous. I get a tank or something.

Yeah. for this you can't just that has to have a home base because you can't it's a spring stop walking around the tavern with the snake

I make a Christmas time Christmas time and you store I got you a lobooboo A loboo What a strange little creature Would you like to join mine quest

They don't do anything As far as I can tell But they're Just sits there Oh my gosh Arnie Yeah. You're sorry, Arnie's told us about Lubbubu. It's one of the characters from Nothing But Trouble starring Dan Aykroyd.

Yes, a movie I've definitely seen. Wait, maybe that's Lil Devil and Bobo. We can cut this out. We won't have time. This is pre-recorded for the holiday season. So this little Laboooo who sits here and doesn't do anything, this must have cost you, what, five gold? Four gold, three gold? I mean, it was expensive.

What? Why? Because they're in high demand. Everyone on entrants them for some reason that I don't fully understand. Okay. Ooh, they must have magical powers. I'll figure it out here. Let me peer deep into its soul.

Look at me, Lubbubu. Come to life and show me your magical insides. See, China, I knew this would keep him busy for a long time. Arnie, look at my smiling snake. Stop being piss on me. You're getting pissed on me. Oh, I almost forgot. Yousdor and I sort of bandied together,

and we got you sort of a joint gift that we actually homemade. Oh. Arnie, it's a sweater that's your pink polo shirt. It's a short sleeve polo sweater. We knitted you a short sleeve polo sweater. We call it a swallow. So a lot of heat will escape. from the arms

and through the sort of open collar. And the knit is quite loose, so kind of just pouring heat out everywhere. Yeah, I'm really nipping out in this thing. You can really... Oh, yeah, they're poking right through. You can really... Yeah, they're almost

perfectly placed. But thank you. I love it. Yeah, Gifts out, nips out. Chunt, you did the chest, right? Did you intend to have his nipples? Oh, I thought you did the chest. I thought you did the chest. Whoops. Maybe Momo did it.

Who knows? Well, I'm just so happy to be spending another holiday season, another time to be appreciative of my friendship with you, Chunt, and my co-working relationship with you, Yusador. Hmm. It means so much. Well, it's all a raise a glass of glob. Glob? Glob. Ooh, yeah, glob.

ball it's sort of um it's like a mold wine meets hot cocoa meets beer with just a dash of nutmeg an egg an egg there's a full egg like floating in this drink oh yeah lucky you got the sunny side up one that means you get to cut down the christmas tree oh cut it down yeah cut it down Cut it down. Cut it down. Okay. I mean, the good thing about Foon is there are axe. Their axes.

Is it axe or axes? There are axes just laying around everywhere. Axi. Axi. Here's a funnel. Put that under your snake. Yeah. Oh, now I can bottle it and sell it.

Cologne. Cologne? Where do you think Cologne comes from? Wait a second. Last year you got me snake piss. It's Cologne. It's all coming together. Yeah, Arnie, like you sort of said, where do you think Cologne comes from? It's awe, not her all.

Guys, are we focusing too much on ourselves and each other? Look, this isn't me trying to get out of having to do the physical labor of cutting down this tree, but should we be thinking about how we can do more for people in the community this holiday season? What a generous thought, Arne. I'm very proud of you. Yeah, Ari, that's pretty big-hearted of you. We're lucky, you know, we have our problems. You know, we're fighting the wizards and, you know, Chunt lost his ability to shape shift and Yusador's mortal and I'm way behind on my step count. We're all dealing with massive issues. Yeah. But when you put it into perspective, we're doing better than a lot of people. That is true. Did you have something in mind, perhaps

feeding the hungry or clothing, the unclothed? I don't fucking know. I came up with the initial idea that we should do something. Yeah, no, right, that's fair. Maybe we could teach the elderly to dance. Maybe we could do like some Christmas caroling. Give people the gift of our songs. Some Christmas canoodling. There's a lot of options.

Wait, make out with people for Christmas? Is that what a canoodling is? Spray orphans with snake piss. Oh. Now, if we take some of our gently used clothes, Like, Arnie's old shirt, now that it has this wonderful sweater. Wait, hold on. This isn't going to be, this sweater.

Look, guys, I love this sweater. This is not going to be my all-the-time shirt. Okay. This is like a special occasion sweater. Well, whatever you have that you don't want to wear anymore. Ooh, these socks. Arnie, there's a, you have a pair of socks with holes in them that I know two squirrels that would fit beautifully in those socks. Hmm.

Well, they're the only pair of socks I have, but could I be a sock? Soxless guy? Could that just be who I am now? Yes. You did say socksless, right? Sox. Yes. Okay.

That's who I am now. Well, I was going to suggest we gather up some gently used clothes. And for the people who are naked in their bedrooms on top of one another, we break in and we give them clothes. Okay. This is sounding better and better. I don't want them to catch cold. Sure. Oh, yeah. We can put down our Christmas stools. We put them down, sit on the stools, let them finish.

It's a good idea. Wait in the corner. And if they get alarmed, I'll just say, don't worry. I'm a socksless man. Oh, the holidays. Oh, the holidays. Happy holidays. The spirit is strong in all of us. Are you choking on the piss? Is there too much piss? No, it's not me. It's out the window. What? Someone's...

Here, open the window. They're so cold, they're saying they're cold too. Just in case we didn't get it from the shivering sound. Come in, come in, please. I am cold. Here, sit here next to the fire. Come on in next to the hearth. Whatever that is.

Are you okay, buddy? We're so cold. Yeah, we got it. You're next to the fire now. So you're going to heat up. Just give it a minute. Give it a second. So hot.

Too hot. Okay. Well, Scoot a little bit away from the fire. We're trying. Too cold. Okay, go a little closer. Split the difference.

I don't know what temperature you're supposed to be. Yeah, this little thing is so weird. Just figure it out. Did no one teach you any life skills? Could we get you something to eat or to drink? Are you hungry or you're just cold? All three. All three.

You're hungry and you're cold. What was the first? The third one? Tired? Tired? Are you tired? Yes. Okay. Well, I'll get you a bowl of soup. How about that? Do you like soup?

Uh, how about, how about some chicken? Would you like to eat some chicken? Okay, let's go at this the other way. What do you like? Soup. I'm fucking hell. Look, guys, can I say something without you judging me? I'm really invested.

I really want to help the needy. But this thing is really needy. I mean, this thing is really needy. I mean, there's needy and there's needy. There's needy and there's needy. Like, it's like a personality trait. Arne, Eustore, while I share your general sentiment, this is a turtle without a shell.

And having been a turtle before, I know better than most how awful it is to be a turtle without a shell. The only soup we have today is turtle soup, so I don't think that's going to work out either. Oh, shit. Oh, okay. Guys, how about something else? How about like a...

You want a big green leaf in the soup? Fuck, all right. I'll go make soup or so. I don't know. Yeah, make some leaf soup or something. If you're trying to help people, are you allowed to like, is there a pass? Or you're going to be like, we're going to help people and then you see something, but not this person. Or is that not a good attitude to have?

Yeah, I think you can, if your goal is to help someone, And you see someone, you don't have to help the first person you see. You can be selective, right? Yeah, I'm like, oh, too hard to help this. Oh, even saying it. Oh, man. Story, story. Short story.

Short story. Oh, those are the hardest kind to write. All right, here's some hot water with a leaf in it. Are you feeling any better? Are you better? I think that's positive. I think it's asleep. I think it fell asleep.

It was so tired. Sure. Story. You didn't get out of it. Oh, shit. Well, I gave it food and Chud put it next to the fire. So, Arnie, I think the story is on you. You're up, big guy.

Hmm. All right. Let me think. I wonder if maybe I can think of a good holiday story. Hmm. Nope, I can't. So I'll just go with this. On Earth.

Shorter? There was once a family. Where? On Earth. Oh. It's another world You can't just assume everyone knows what earth is Okay, that's fine

I'll just put it on food The story takes place on foon And there's a family There's a mother who works really hard A career woman But she loves her family And her mother lives with her Her mother's kind of saucy

Sassy But good-natured And then If I'm remembering correct She has a son She has a son But they need help Because the regular maid

Or house cleaner Or whatever You know I had to leave I don't remember This part of the slate And this van pulls up And out comes

What's a van? Oh shit A carriage pulls up And out steps This young athletic Italian American man Name Tony Danza American.

Oh, okay, huh. Just a guy. Just a guy. But a charismatic guy. But a guy that you're like, wait a second. This person is going to be taking care of the house and kids. And it's the kind of situation where someone might look at people and think, who's the boss in this situation? Why would they think that?

Oh, well, because they were like, what was the boss, the woman? Sure, yeah, she hired him. She is the boss. Doesn't seem like the question at all. Seemingly the breadwinner. I see. Well, okay, okay, that part's not important. The who's the boss part is important.

But here's the thing. It seems like the pretty big buildup to it. Whenever there's a problem, the guy, the Tony Danza, who had a name I don't remember, the Tony Danza guy would say, A-O-O-A. and he had a daughter, I think. And they would have adventure. And this was the, it's a short story because it's just the pilot. It's just the beginning where they set up the situations.

But, oh, one other thing, just to think about as you're falling, drifting asleep, is that there was a little bit of a sexual tension between the woman and the male housekeeper. Why don't you lead with that? Well, I don't know It's not about that But that just slowly starts to emerge over time Where you're just sort of like I don't know, am I crazy?

Or wouldn't it be great if these two People who seem to come from completely different walks of life What if they fell in love with each other? Oh I mean, in retrospect, the power dynamics of it aren't great I mean, he works for her You have told me a perfect short story Oh

Really? and with that I reveal my true form I am the goddess fool in disguise as a naked turtle wow your godishness

what did you say your godishness yes and Arnie is there something you want to say not exactly all-mowing huh not the thing you expect to hear from a

goddess. What did you say? Well, I can't be all knowing when you talk with your mouth full. Yeah, I was going to burn. This turtle soup's so good. Yes, thank you for not feeding me turtle soup, even though it was all that was on the menu. Chant, have you something to add? Uh, yes, your, your goddessness, um, your, your voice sounds less feminine than it. Silence!

I can take on any form in any voice. And you choose this one? Shut, shut up. When I was cold, you put me by the fire. Yeah. When I was being a little shit, you were patient with me. Somewhat. Even though Arnie added in some hamming and hoying.

Okay, sure. When I was hungry, you did feed me, and not of my own kind. And when I was bored and ready for bed, you did tell me a short story. So let me grant unto you three, a Christmas gift for the ages. A goddess gift must be incredible. Is that one gift for all three of us or three separate gifts? One gift for all three of you. Okay, we have to talk about this before we ask.

I say, get rid of the wizards. What do you guys say? What do you think? Oh, wait. Is a gift or a wish? Oh, yeah, sorry. A gift. Oh, then do we want, like, uh, new, I've already bought it.

Oh, okay. I was like, could we combine it? Could we get a gish or something? Here, for little Yusadol, little chunt, and little Arnie with his nips out.

Yeah, that's sweater. A smiling snake. Ah. Oh, we heard of it. Thank you. Thank you. Just say thank you, John. Just thank you, say, thank you.

Thank you, food. Thank you, food. Oh, and she flew through the ceiling. Oh, shit. She looked a hole. Also, this one isn't pissing. I think, did she get the wrong snake? Is it the one the bites?

Oh. Shake it a little bit. Sure. Ah, oh, God. Oh, careful, this thing is biting hard. So it's the one to bites. Yeah. Oh.

Just me? Not biting anybody else? Apparently not. It's got a taste for you, buddy. Okay. So, that's great. Just covered in pins. Listen, I'm the only one who gets bit by a snake.

Sean, that tank's full. You're going to have to switch. Swap that out. Ah, shit. Here, let me put this little snake muzzle on it. Oh, you put that on mine. I can't tell these rascals apart. I can't either.

Don't worry. I got plenty of these things. Never leave home without him. Well, Arnie passed out. Must have had too much fun. Guys, I make it venomous. Oh, he's sleepy. Guys.

Oh, this holidays have him all tuck it out. All body is seizing up. Merry Christmas, Hardy. I'm cold. I'm so cold. Just pull the blanket up over him and let him sleep here. Too hot now. Kiss him on the forehead.

Now I'm too hot. Happy winter solstice, Arnie. You can't even do as much for me as for that fucking turtle. Come on. Well, we know you're not a goddess. You are wrong. What? All this time

When I say all this time I don't, I mean literally for the last 15 minutes or so. Oh, just like today. Yeah, just today. I have been one of the other ones. Which one was, did we visit by before?

Food was just here. I'm Thune. I'm Boone. Secretly pretending to be the purest soul in all food. So much for all knowing. Doesn't even know his name. All right.

Well, you know what? No game. gift. You guys have known you have not no gift. No gift. How dare you? I... What the fuck? It was me, ooh, all along. Why didn't you give them a gift,

Oon? Well, I forgot. To be honest, I forgot. So I decided, I really was tempted to not reveal myself at all and just let it slide. Ooh, ooh, Oon, please. Christmas is not the time for sibling

bickering and rivalry? It's the time for love and support. That's right. I love you, Oon. Fine. Fine. I love you too. Chunt, you're the only one who's really here today. Goodbye! Whoa. But I did accurately set up the recording, so this will be available. Wait, wait. Un, before you go.

Yes. Where are Bucer and Arnie? Dead. Oh. Oh, yeah, it is like 3 a.m. Dead asleep. Oh, you said dead. I thought you said bed. You know what? Although, I hear now.

Oon, I left like two minutes ago. Come on. Okay, fine. They're waking up right now. Good. Well, Oon, we did it again. We sure did. Every year we project ourselves down onto food.

Then we teach important holiday lessons. Now to get drunk. Yeah. Yes. Did you like my story about who's the boss? I thought it was really good, and a great vehicle to launch some of young talents. Yes, I enjoyed that Anthony Danza. Speaking of Danza, let's Danza.

Sorry, I know I'm all-knowing, but I didn't know where you were going. Are we all-knowing? I feel like I'm not. Are you two? I'm some knowing. Depends on what form we're in. I think maybe these forms confuse us. Ooh.

Wait, hold on. Did the fact that I pretended to be Arnie the human just totally fuck up my brain for a while? Is that what's going on? I think it does have an impact on you, yes. I've got, you know what, this coming year, I'm going to make a sacred promise to myself to be a little more careful about what forms I take. Oh, careful. Oh, snake.

Snake on you. No, snake. Oh, inviting me. Oh, wait, and pissing. What kind is this? It bites and pisses. Oh, I hate the holidays. That's all right. There's a time for love and a time for living. The choice is up to you, my friend. See, I'm not all knowing. I've never heard this.

Well, you might awaken to a brand new life. A brand new life. A brand new life. Around the bend. I want Charles in charge of a brand. Me. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Oh shit, we're still recording. Christmas one more time before it becomes totally irrelevant. Although I'm sure no skip Good

Friday is already in the works, check out no skip Christmas wherever you get your podcasts. As for this podcast, we're off for the next two weeks to give a weary nation time to heal, but we'll be back with a new episode in Pizza Hell on Monday, January 12th. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs in at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the latest bonus episode where Arnie tries to explain the comic The Far Side to Chunt and Usador.

Can you imagine? No need. Just listen. There was just like comical music playing for the fishermen. Oh, yeah. Didi-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-d-d-d-do-do-do-do. That's a little tune I just made up. This one's a bit strange. Someone's throwing knives and a person,

and the person seems to be deflating. And the people in the audience seem very angry about it. Yeah, I'm just trying. This one is sort of more crudely drawn. Again, these are early far sides. So they're not as elegantly drawn as the later ones. It looks like a performance where a man is throwing knives, but in a knife hit a woman straight in the face.

But she seems to be deflating. I would too if I got hit in the face with a knife. Sure. My ego would be deflated for years. Was his assistant an inflatable woman? Maybe she had airblood. She could have had airblood. And Airblood 2, golden receiver.

I knew it. Nothing in the rules. A blood can't play basketball. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, including how to gift someone a Patreon subscription, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rify.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Shultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman This episode edited by Garrett Schultz Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adlerd Laban Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland Well, I promised you a fan song at the end And here it is After all the credits, our own little version of

Like When Marvel Movies say Major General Stanley and Elfaba will return Just before you leave the theater Here's the song I'll meet you in Foon From Damarin A cherished member of the Magic Tavern Patreon enjoy I'll run away to Foon

I'll escape my doom I won't be the dark lord's goon and Belarus fuck him too Chan Tarnie and Yusador will make it a triumvirate and Foon we shall emancipate Foon I'll see you soon I shall see you so soon.

Foon, I see the goddesses day loom. Oh, Foon, I'll see you so soon. And I won't be the dark Lord's fool. I'll be true to me. me and you and I'll meet you in phone. Maybe this solstice or maybe when everything's in bloom.