High Performance Mindset | Learn from World-Class Leaders, Consultants, Athletes & Coaches about Mindset - 114: How and Why to Be Kind to Yourself

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

“So many years of school and getting degrees yet nobody ever taught us how to love ourselves and why it’s so important.” Lewis Howes High performers are self-compassionate – they practice kindness. They work to not beat themselves up. They know this leads them to greatness, fulfillment and a high performance. They talk to themselves like their best friend would. Affirmation this Week: I am kind to myself. I love myself. I am enough.

Welcome to High Performance Mindset with Dr. Sindra Kampoff. Do you want to reach your full potential, live a life of passion, go after your dreams? Each week we bring you strategies and interviews to help you ignite your mindset. Let's bring on Sindra. High Performance Mindset on the Country Club here on a Monday morning with Dr. Sindra Kampoff. Good morning, Sindra. It's great to be here. Good to have you. Beautiful weather, nice weekend. Did you have fun? I did. It was very relaxing, enjoyable. Perfect. Beautiful.

Now today we're talking about our topic is how to be kind to yourself. And we start with a quote first. Yes, this is from Lewis Howes. He's a best-selling author, a book called School of Greatness. And he said, so many years of school and getting degrees, yet nobody ever taught us how to love ourselves and why it's important. Okay. And that's nice. Interesting topic, if you ask me here.

It'll be fun to kind of dive into it. What inspired the topic today? Well, there's two things. First, I read this quote by Lewis, and I was like, you know, he's right. We're not really ever taught really how to be kind to ourselves, and I think I'm still trying to figure that out. Perhaps people who are listening feel similarly. And then I had a session with a high school golfer who's a very successful, one of the best in the state.

And he was telling me about the section tournament and how he was kind of tormented by his judge. And he was talking about how, you know, whenever you'd make a mistake, he'd think like, you know, I suck or I'm terrible at my short game or I'm not enough for my team. And this is one thing that I see over and over again. That negative self-talk. Exactly. And the key is, obviously, we've been talking about on the spot just how to be aware of that and how to address it. But that's one of the things that doesn't allow us to be kind to ourselves is our inner critic. So as we're thinking and we're talking today, if you could just ask yourself, have you ever beaten yourself up so much about, you know, a mistake or maybe something that you didn't go as well as you wanted it to?

All right. So now recognizing that and then being a little bit more kind to ourselves, how do you describe self-kindness? Yeah. So I'm really talking about being self-compassionate, which is the practice of being kind to yourself. And I found that really high-level elite athletes or really talented coaches, successful entrepreneurs have a really hard time with self-compassion. And I think it's because we think that beating ourselves up, that we're going to be more likely to win, make the game-winning shot next time, or complete that big project, or make it to the Pro Bowl, but it's quite the opposite.

We can still have high standards, but the key is that we have to learn to be compassionate with ourselves. And when I teach them about being compassionate, they actually play and perform more consistently and they're able to reach a high level of performance and also be happier and less stressed and be better teammates and treat their spouse in a kinder way. All right. There's a lot of good there. So self-kindness is about really not trying to be perfect. Yes, because we can't be perfect. And so self-kindness is really about accepting who you are and recognizing you're not perfect. And showing compassion really means kind of honoring that you're human. And that means that there's no way you can be perfect.

So I like this quote by Buddha. And he said, you can search throughout the entire universe for somebody more deserving of your love and affection than yourself. A person can be found nowhere. You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your affection. That's awesome. It's got to start there, right? It kind of seems like you got to start there in order to offer it up elsewhere. So why is this topic important to you this week, Sindra? Yeah.

So if we don't practice self-compassion, we experience frustration or stress, a lot of self-criticism or negative self-talk, like you were saying, Lisa. And we have a more difficult time getting over mistakes. And so really being gritty and keep going towards your goals and reaching your best more often is really about kind of continually improving and evolving your skills. And so showing compassion is really key in that. Do you think that being kinder to yourself will impact how you treat others? I do, because I think if you're kinder to yourself, you're going to be kinder to others. And, you know, you are more likely to avoid kind of judging

others harshly by their shortcomings or mistakes if you practice compassion yourself. So you can kind of think about it as if we practice self-compassion, you're better able to forgive others and be kinder to others. All right. So how can we start to be kinder to ourself? That's not probably a natural thing, like you said, for a lot of people. It's not. It's not a natural thing for me. It's not a natural thing for a lot of people that I work with. So I think the key is to first take care of how you're talking to yourself because you're always listening. And just think about it. If you were treating yourself on a daily basis, you know, like you were treating someone else, like let's say in a relationship with you, you know, would you still be with that person? And likely not. And kind of what I mean by that is, you know, are you good to

yourself? Or are you letting that cruel self-talk kind of get in your way when you make a mistake or when you fail? So the key is we have to choose a different path. And today what I'm going to talk about is just treating yourself and talking to yourself like your best friend would. And your best friend would be kind to yourself and they would say kind things instead of, you know, the harsh self-talk that many of us have. And perhaps that maybe is your natural tendency is to think more negatively. So what's another way we can be kinder to ourselves? I think the key is to focus on your strengths more often than perhaps you do.

So you could, you know, when you notice yourself being not kind to yourself, you could remind yourself of what your strengths are. So just having a deliberate focus on noticing what you're grateful for, what great things are happening in your life. And you could even maybe document the things that are going good or the things that are right. Make a list because, you know, if you really struggle with this, that will help. Excellent. So there's a little challenge that you have set up for us. I do. I have a challenge today for this week. And so really what we're talking about is developing and practicing compassion is really key. And so could you take the best friend challenge? And that's this is what I mean. Each day this week,

could you make a commitment to be kinder to yourself? So notice the tone of the self-talk inside your head. And could you soften that self-critical voice a little bit more? Because you're always listening. So the key is to speak kindly to yourself this week. You don't really get the choice, do you, to not listen to yourself. It's hard to do that. I don't think there's very many people that can. So how do we summarize this today?

It's a good topic. There was a lot there. In summary, what would you say? I'd say that high performers, those people who are working to reach their greater potential, which I know is you or you wouldn't be listening, they have self-compassion. And they practice kindness to themselves. They don't work to beat themselves up. And they know this leads to greatness and fulfillment.

So they talk to themselves like their best friend would. And an affirmation for this week to kind of tack on to this and take through the week with us. Something easy, post-it note worthy on the bathroom mirror, perhaps. What is it for this week? I am kind to myself. I'm always learning and growing. I am enough. Awesome. All right. If we want to learn more about you and follow along, listen to the podcasts and keep up to date with things like the book release, which is getting closer and closer. All of that stuff. What's the best way for us to keep in touch with you? Yeah, you can head over to drcindra.com.

So D-R-C-I-N-D-R-A. And I'm always on Twitter is probably where I spend my most time on social media, which is at mentally underscore strong. All right. Get in touch with Cindra if you need to. Follow along. Listen to those podcasts. They're super helpful. I've listened to every single one of them.

I have none left. So next time you load one up, I'll be ready to go. I did last night. There we go. Oh, did you? Yeah. All right. All right. My next run is tomorrow. I'll be listening to your podcast while I run. Thank you very much, Sindra. Thanks for having me today. Good to have you in today on Monday on The Country Club. It's High Performance Mindset on Minnesota 93. Thank you for listening to High Performance Mindset. If you like today's podcast, make a comment, share it with a friend, and join the conversation on Twitter at Mentally Underscore Strong. For more inspiration and to receive Sindra's free weekly videos,

check out DrSindra.com.