High Performance Mindset | Learn from World-Class Leaders, Consultants, Athletes & Coaches about Mindset - 548: Self-Critical vs. Self-Compassion

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

In this episode, we discuss the difference between showing yourself self-compassion vs. being self-critical. Self-compassion is a practice we can work towards each day and there are numerous benefits. The practice of self-compassion is giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others. When you are kind to yourself,  you can also be kind with others.   Quote of the Week: “Learning to embrace yourself and your imperfections gives you the resilience needed to thrive.” - Kristen Neff  This Week's Power Phrase: “I am kind to myself. I know I am doing the best I can.”  

Hi friends, my name is Dr. Sindra Kampoff, a national leader in the field of sport and performance psychology. Every week I'm on the local radio sharing my top tips on exactly how to develop the mindset of the world's best, so you can accomplish all your dreams. Get ready for a jammed, packed episode focused on practical tips to help you get after your goals and step out of your comfort zone. Let's go. We're checking in with Cinder Kampoff today and an important topic, I think, Cinder. This is one

that I really think that we should pay special attention to. It's being self-critical versus being self-compassionate. And you start us off with a quote. I love this quote by Kristen Neff. She's a leading researcher on self-compassion. And she said, learning to embrace yourself and your imperfections gives you the resilience needed to thrive. And we need to thrive. So why are we talking about this today? What exactly is it? Well, so when we're self-compassionate with ourselves, we treat ourselves like we would

a friend who's having a hard time. Think about it as we're our own inner ally instead of our own inner enemy. And when we're self-compassionate, we think about it as like extending comfort like a parent would to us or having a supportive arm around our shoulder. So the difference between that and self-critical and criticism is when we have really like harsh self-talk, We beat ourselves up. We might use statements like, I am a failure instead of what we did was a failure. All right. And so what do both sound like in our heads when we're saying them to ourselves so we know the difference? Absolutely. And it's usually just our own thoughts.

And I would say, being self-critical, we are harsh on ourselves and we say, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I did that. You know, I should have known better. Or there's no way I can do that. Or so-and-so does that so much better than I do. And we can feel like a failure when we're comparing ourselves to somebody who's maybe better than us at a particular thing. But when we're self-compassionate, you know, it sounds like in our own head, this is just a moment of difficulty.

Or I can get through this. Or, you know, suffering is just part of life. Everyone experiences it. Or I'm strong and patient. And this is so important because, Lisa, when we're highly self-critical of ourselves, we can't be resilient. And it actually leads to feelings of being unworthy or inferior, or we feel like a failure, or, you know, we have a lot of guilt. So we want to really just soften that inner voice inside our head. So what happens to our brain when we sit and criticize ourselves? Well, that's a good question. I was doing a lot of research on this topic, and I was reading about

an author named Paul Gilbert, and he says that when we're critical of ourselves, we actually tap into like our body's threat defense system. Sometimes this is called like our reptilian brain. And we perceive a threat and we release like cortisol and adrenaline and our body is ready to fight. And so what's interesting is we don't actually have a real threat. It's not like a bear is attacking us. And it's really just a threat to our own self-image and self-concept. And so when we're self-critical, Paul Gilbert says, is we're like the attack and the attacker. We're attacking ourselves and we are attacking and we're

feeling like the attacker. So we want to really be kind to ourselves because it releases different types of endorphins and oxytocin, which is only going to help us kind to ourselves because it releases different types of endorphins and oxytocin, which is only going to help us continue to move forward. And why is self-compassion important for us? Well, I think it's important because we honor that we're human, that no one's perfect. And when we practice it, we're less likely to be frustrated or experience stress. And we can move past our mistakes and our failures more quickly, we can bounce back. And so, you know, it's a perfect antidote to even when we're feeling like a perfectionist, that, you know, everything has

to be perfect. So there's so many reasons why we want to be kind and gentle to ourselves in our own mind. How would we go about practicing this, though? So, Kristen Neff is a leading researcher on this topic, which I mentioned a quote at the beginning, and she says that we can practice it by doing three things. First, having kind of self-kindness, which is being warm and kind to ourselves when we fail or make a mistake or feel inadequate instead of being really self-critical. The second part is something called common humanity, And this just means that, you know, actually making mistakes and experiencing difficulties and suffering in some way is actually the human experience, like we all experience it, we're not alone. And the last one is something called mindfulness. And this means like being present, noticing how you feel, picking a

non-judgmental approach when you're really hard on yourself. And I think those are all the ways that we can practice being self-compassionate, just noticing what's going on in our head and inquiring in that and talking really kindly to ourselves like our friend would. So, Cinder, can you summarize today for us? You bet. So, Lisa, I'd say that self-compassion is really a practice we can work on every day. It's a habit we form by practicing kindness that, you know, throughout moments and during the day when we have difficulties or things don't go perfect. And it means giving ourselves the same

kindness we would have to others. And I find when we are kinder to ourselves, we can be kinder with others. What is the power phrase that we're going to use to get through our week? This is a good one. I'm kind to myself, and I know I'm doing the best I can. I like that one. Be kind to yourself as you head off into the week. And, Cyndra, if we want to follow along with you on your socials or learn more about the work that you do, what's the best place for us to go? You bet.

You can head over to DrCyra, so drcindra.com and my social media is there. This is reflective of my ninth practice in my book, Beyond Grit, which is live and let go and we need to live and let go and being compassionate with ourselves is part of that.

Way to go for finishing another episode of the High Performance Mindset. I'm giving you a virtual fist pump. Holy cow, did that go by way too fast for anyone else? If you want more, remember to subscribe and you can head over to Dr. Sindra for show notes and to join my exclusive community for high performers where you get access to videos about mindset each week.

So again, you can head over to Dr. Sindra. That's D-R-C-I-N-D-R-A.com. See you next week.