High Performance Mindset | Learn from World-Class Leaders, Consultants, Athletes & Coaches about Mindset - 554: How to Set Boundaries

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Boundaries are helpful because they help you care for yourself. It is easy to say yes to everything, and to "people please" in our culture. In this episode, Dr. Cindra shares with us the two parts of setting boundaries, when we should set boundaries, and how boundaries help you communicate what you need from others. Quote of the Week: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown This Week's Power Phrase: “I learn to say no to things so I can say yes to myself.” 

Hi friends, my name is Dr. Sindra Kampoff, a national leader in the field of sport and performance psychology. Every week I'm on the local radio sharing my top tips on exactly how to develop the mindset of the world's best, so you can accomplish all your dreams. Get ready for a jammed, packed episode focused on practical tips to help you get after your goals and step out of your comfort zone. Let's go. We check in with Cinder Kampoff today. And today we talk about something that I think all of us

need a little bit of help with. It's setting boundaries. And Cinder, start us off with one of your quotes. I like this quote by Brene Brown. And she said, daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. The courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. The courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. Isn't that the truth? What inspired the topic for you today? I think what you said, Lisa, is that it's really difficult to set boundaries. A lot of my clients who I coach one-on-one struggle with this.

I struggle with this sometimes. And if people are wondering, okay, what is a boundary? It's really a limit that you place on yourself or you put into place that helps you protect yourself and your own well-being. And I love this book called Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Twan. And she talks about how it's like an expectation or need that helps you feel safe. And I think, you know, Lisa, why boundaries are really hard? Because we as humans really like to be liked. We do like to be liked. And why are boundaries so important?

Well, without them, we can feel walked over or taken advantage of. And sometimes we do things we don't actually really want to do. And so over time, you know, we're not taking care of ourselves. Sometimes our mental health can even suffer. And we can feel overwhelmed or resentful. Even sometimes we might avoid conversations or people. And, you know, we can take too many things on when we don't set boundaries and that can lead to burnout as well. So what is the benefit of us having boundaries? I think the benefit is we avoid overextending ourselves and we really take care of our needs, right? We learn to say no and we can communicate what's acceptable behavior, sometimes in relationships. So we can communicate our needs to others. And ultimately, it leads to

more healthy relationships. I like to think about it this way that, you know, it's maybe short term discomfort, you know, maybe people like the boundaries we put into place, or it can feel really uncomfortable setting them, but they lead to really long-term happiness and even stronger relationships. So that's why we want to learn to set boundaries more often. And Cinder, can we talk about some times that we need to set boundaries? Like when would that be something that we need to do? Yeah, great question. I think there's several times where it might be really helpful to set some boundaries. Let's say, for example, you're working too much and you're not compensated for your extra hours. You might have the inability to say no, or you might just

be more focused on people pleasing. Other times where it might be really helpful is when people overshare things. That happens a lot, you know, maybe with our friends or we feel mistreated in some way. And so we can set boundaries, you know, at work or with our family or with our friends, or we feel mistreated in some way. And so we can set boundaries, you know, at work or with our family or with our friends, even with our time or our money. And what do we need to do in order to set the boundaries? Well, like I mentioned earlier, I really find this book helpful, Set Boundaries to Find Peace. And what the author talks about is that setting boundaries really provides really two steps. First, communication, and the second one is action. And I think it's simple just to remember those two, communication

and action. And we might assume people know what we want, but they can't really read our minds. So the communication piece is really where we share what we need so people can't misinterpret what we say. So for example, we might say, well, it's important for me to honor our plans that we have set up tonight. And if you change the plans, please just let me know the day in advance. We're really clear on what's important to us and what we'd like. And then the second part is action. That means that we have to uphold what we say. And if the boundary is violated, then we just have to reinforce that action, which can be difficult. Yeah, I think that's the uncomfortable part, right? Exactly.

What other tips can you give us? I would say it's helpful, you know, when we notice in the moment that a boundary is violated for us, that's where we want to say something. So, for example, if someone puts us down instead of just being quiet, we might say, you know, I didn't really like that or that was really harmful. By using I statements, such as like I need or I expect or I would like, that really helps kind of take ownership. You don't necessarily need to share the reason why you didn't like that or why it was a boundary that was violated. Sometimes we feel like we have to explain why, but we really don't need to do that. So how would you summarize today for us? Yeah, Lisa, I would say that boundaries are helpful because they help you care for yourself. And it's easy to say yes to everything. Especially, you know, we have kind of this people pleasing culture. So just remember boundaries are, you know, two parts of boundaries,

communicating the boundary with an I am statement, and then following through and taking action and boundaries help you communicate what you need to other people. All right. Can you tell us a power phrase that we can use to go through our week? I like this one. I learned to say no to things so I can say yes to myself. Say no to things so you can say yes to yourself. I like that.

All right. Sindra, if we want to follow along with any of your work or learn more about this or any of your teachings, where do we go? What's the best place? You bet. You can head over to DrSindra, so D-R-C-I-N-D-R-A.com. And you can find out more information about my speaking and coaching over there if today was interesting to you. Way to go for finishing another episode of the High Performance Mindset. I'm giving you a virtual

fist pump. Holy cow, did that go by way too fast for anyone else? If you want more, remember to subscribe and you can head over to Dr. Sindhra for show notes and to join my exclusive community for high performers where you get access to videos about mindset each week. So again, you can head over to Dr. Sindhra. That's D-R-C-I-N-D-R-A.com. See you next week.