High Performance Mindset | Learn from World-Class Leaders, Consultants, Athletes & Coaches about Mindset - 634: Why Emotional Intelligence is the Most Important Skill to Develop & How to Develop It, with Dr. Patty Ann, CEO and Founder of Relationship Toolbox, LLC.

Episode Date: August 3, 2024

Dr. Patty Ann Tublin is the CEO and Founder of Relationship Toolbox LLC, a training and development coaching and consulting firm specializing in the development of emotional intelligence and other ��soft” skills that promote optimal individual and group performance that impacts the bottom line. Dr. Patty Ann understands that a company’s people are its most important asset. She is the podcast host of “The Dr. Patty Ann Podcast” and the author of two Amazon best-selling books: "Not Tonight Dear, I've Got a Business to Run" and "Money Can Buy You Happiness: Secrets Women Need to Know to Get Paid What They Are Worth!"  In this episode, Patty and Cindra talk about: Proven strategies to increase your emotional intelligence  How your feelings impact others 3 powerful and simple questions to ask yourself to increase your emotional intelligence  3 tips to communicate even more effectively And, how to have even more effective conversations with your kids   LEARN MORE ABOUT DR. CINDRA LEARN MORE ABOUT DR. PATTY ANN  FOLLOW SIGN UP FOR THE FREE MENTAL BREAKTHROUGH CALL WITH CINDRA’S TEAM TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MENTALLY STRONG INSTITUTE Love the show? Rate and review the show to help us reach more and more people. We appreciate you!

Welcome to the High Performance Mindset Podcast. This is a place where we help high achievers get to their goals quicker and grow their mindset. I'm your host, Dr. Cindra Kampoff, Executive Performance Coach and best-selling author of Beyond Grit. And today we're going to show you why emotional intelligence is the most important skill to develop and how you can develop it. I interviewed Dr. Patty Ann Tubland. Patty Ann is the CEO and founder of The Relationship Toolkit, a training and development and coaching and consulting firm specializing in the development of emotional intelligence and other skills that promote optimal individual and group performance that impacts the bottom line. As you'll learn, Dr. Patty Ann understands that a company's people are the most important asset. She is the podcast host of the Dr. Patty

Ann podcast and the author of two Amazon bestselling books. And in this episode, Dr. Patty Ann and I talk about proven strategies to increase your emotional intelligence, how your feelings impact others. We talk about three powerful and simple questions to ask yourself to increase your emotional intelligence. We also talk about three tips to communicate even more effectively and how to have even more effective conversations with your kids. If you haven't already, please leave us a rating and a review. I read those each and every week. And I'd be so grateful if you would leave that for us and subscribe to the podcast. This just allows us to reach more and more people each and every week.

And also, if you're feeling that self-doubt is limiting you, or if you're embarrassed by the way you talk to yourself in your own mind, I'm going to invite you to sign up for a free coaching call with one of my team members at freementalbreakthroughcall.com. We specialize in helping people create a personal breakthrough, a moment of more clarity and understanding, and help you reduce your self-doubt and negativity. You'll walk away from this free coaching call with new tools to decrease your own self-doubt, grow your own confidence, get to your goals quicker and ultimately grow your high-performance mindset.

That's why you're listening to this podcast. So again, that's freementalbreakthroughcall.com to sign up for your free mental breakthrough call. All right, without further ado, let's bring on Dr. Patty Ann. Dr. Patty Ann, thank you so much for joining us today on the High Performance Mindset. I'm so excited to talk to you about your work

around emotional intelligence and energy and executive presence and all the things today. So thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. And I am so, so excited to be here because I know your audience is like the best of the best, right? High performance. And that's what I'm all about. And, you know, we used to call a lot of this stuff soft skills, but, you know, I think Simon Sinek now calls it human skills because here's the deal. It doesn't matter how great your product is, how great your service is, how smart you are, how hard you work. None of that matters if you don't

know how to show up in a way that's genuine, that resonates with people, where you're creating a relationship that's authentic, because all success is predicated, and there's very few absolute, Sandra, but I will say all success is predicated upon the ability to create, nurture, and sustain healthy relationships. So I'm really excited to talk about all of that stuff today. Well, excellent. I can't wait to talk about it because I completely agree. And it's almost like the older I get, the more I realize that relationships are so important. You know, I wish I would have even realized this in my 20s. Well, you know, the great news, one of the few great things about maturing is that we gain wisdom, right? And here's the thing though,

a lot of people never get it, Cinder. They never get it, right? So what they are is they are transactional, right? I have something for you. I want you to buy it and it's game over. What you really want to do is you want to build a relationship so that in the future, if somebody perhaps like we both do coaching, right? And consulting, right? I am always, always helping people. And I'll say to them, how may I help you? And they look at me and I'm like, it's not a trick question. Like, how may I help you? And I'll have a call or I'll talk to them and I'll help them. And I'm really not expecting anything to come back. I'm really not. But the way life works, it's good karma.

You put it out there and things come back to you. And it might not be even through work, but it might be somebody needs something for someone in their family, maybe access to a medical community. Guess what? I know someone who knows someone, and then they give you that resource. So you will never lose by helping others. And I would just beseech you, don't keep score. Because when you keep score, you're already losing. So it's all about relationships, because at the end of the day, nobody's ever, the end of the day, nobody's ever, the end of our life, I should say, nobody's ever said, I wish I worked more. It's usually,

I wish I nurtured relationships better. Yeah, I love that. So you never lose by helping others don't keep score. So there's going to be lots of different topics we're going to cover today. Let's start with emotional intelligence and tell us, you know, I appreciate what you've said so far that what we're talking about today is a human skill and that relationships are top of mind. And why is emotional intelligence really important for us as leaders, as business owners, as athletes, you know, just high performers in general? And like, how would you define in your words what emotional intelligence is? Oh, gosh, I have to think about that. So I would, I would

actually venture to say, Sundra, that emotional intelligence is important for anybody. If you're a mother, if you're a father, if you have a friendship, if you're a member of the community, it's really important for everybody. Years ago, we used to want to talk about everybody having a high IQ, but we both know, all right, I'm going to be totally honest. We both know some really smart people that cannot get out of their own frigging way. And they're not as successful as they could be had they had some emotional intelligence. So there's so many different emotional intelligence definitions out there. What I say emotional intelligence is it's the ability to identify

and manage. Manage, not react, not respond, but manage your emotions in real time so they don't manage you while being able to be cognizant of the emotions of others so we know how to appropriately respond to them. Right? So there's a, there's, it's twofold, right? There's you, your relationship with yourself. There's the other and your relationship with the other. Now I know for the listeners out there, cause I know you have a small crowd. I know many people are probably familiar with Daniel Goldman and the four quadrants. I don't find type of theory that moves the needle. I try to use information where you can operationalize it. Right. So here's what happens.

Most people go through life having no clue how they feel about anything. It sounds like, oh, no way that's true. But it is true. That's why people find it difficult to breathe and to meditate and to process because we can't get out of our own way. And for many of us that are aware how we feel, what we really fall short in is how our feelings are impacting other people. And that's where we fall short in our careers because we might be totally unaware. We could also call these our blind spots. Sure.

That we come across as very angry towards others. And people will say, people on coaching will say, well, I wasn't angry. I was just right. Right? I wasn't angry. I was just right. But you can be right and deliver the message in a way where it's easier to hear. Absolutely. And it's really incredible. In fairness to everybody, you know,

if I were to ask your listeners who took a course in history growing up, they don't raise their hand. Who took a course in math? They don't raise their hand. If I would ask, who took a course in emotional intelligence? No one. Very sad. No one. Maybe somebody in graduate school, maybe. So we haven't been taught that. And even to this day, even though we know how important emotional intelligence is, I think because it's the bridge to really healthy relationships, how we started the conversation. We're still taught IQ is the be all and end all. Somebody is so smart.

You know what, Sandra, especially for your audience, everybody's pretty much smart enough. Unless you're a neuroscientist or a rocket scientist, pretty much anybody can do anything. Yeah. It might take you a little bit longer to learn material, right? Because to me, smart is how fast you learn something. But success is in the ability to have relationships. Think about people that have worked with you or for you and you're like, oh my gosh, they're so smart, but we can't promote them because nobody likes them. Right.

And by the way, emotions play a huge role in business, especially my corporate crowd loves to tell me, oh, it doesn't matter how they feel. But I'm like, really? Then why do you care so much about what your boss feels about you? Right. Exactly. Whether they like you or not, if it doesn't matter why do you care right so yeah i mean i completely agree with you that we're not taught about emotional intelligence very often

i'm teaching a class this summer online called the psychology of coaching and it's for great for a local university i want to take it i want to tangent. All right. And I just yesterday talked about emotional intelligence because I do think it's really important for all leaders. Right. And so tell us what would be ways that we could continue to grow our emotional intelligence? Because I think it's a lifelong skill. You know, it's not maybe even like right now people are listening and saying, well, I'm pretty I pretty I have pretty strong emotional intelligence. I can still grow in it. Right. So what are some proven ways that you think we can grow in our emotional intelligence? OK, so it's a great question. So first of all, when somebody says, I think I'm pretty good at emotional intelligence, quite frankly, if I was coaching that person, that would mean nothing to me. Yeah, I would mean nothing to me. I would say, I would say, okay, you think you're pretty good at emotional intelligence. My response would be as evidenced by, right? And then get their understanding of what emotional intelligence is, right? And it might be they're good at

sympathy, or it might be they're good at parroting back what somebody said. They might not necessarily be good at the emotional intelligence piece. Maybe they're good at what they feel, but they might not necessarily be good at how the other person feel. Anyway, so that's the first thing that I would do. The number, gosh, there's actually three ways to increase. I could talk about this all day. So tell me if I'm taking up all the time. So there's actually three ways to increase. I could talk about this all day. So tell me if I'm

taking up all the time. So there's three main, I know people talk about five pillars. I actually was just interviewed in some magazine. Gosh, I forget the name of it. Don't tell them I said that on the five pillars of emotional intelligence. They wanted me to talk about the five pillars, but I really look at emotional intelligence to be increased in three ways. The first way is your perception. And I have a great exercise I do, which I didn't even know I was going to talk about with the beach ball. But here's the deal. Other than maybe religious beliefs, there are very few absolutes in life. Truth is subjective. So, for example, if I said to somebody, how far does it take to walk somewhere?

The person would say, oh my gosh, it's so long, it's a mile. That's their truth, it's a mile. Their perception is it's so long. I might say, oh, it's not far at all. It's only a mile. It's still a mile, but my perception of the truth is different. So perception is colored by our own personal experiences and how we interpret that. So a way to increase your emotional intelligence is to be aware of that what you perceive to be as truth and is totally objective is in fact subjective. So be open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, there's more than one truth. That's the first thing. I love it.

My exercise would show it so well. I'm feeling so badly. I don't have the thing to show. You can just tell us about it. It's okay. No, it doesn't have the same impact. The other one, number two, is triggers. We have to know what our triggers are, right? A trigger is any visceral reaction to a real or an imagined threat that creates an emotional response. Okay. So visceral means body. And the key here is real or imagined threat, because many times we, we are in a threat to our,

the way the brain works. All right. I'm getting a little here. The way the brain works is what's a threat to our identity, to our ego, becomes interpreted as a threat to ourselves, to bodily harm, right? The imagined part is important because of who we are and our past experiences and perhaps our past trauma or our past prejudice, we interpret something as a threat when in fact it wasn't a threat at all. Yes. Right?

Yes. Right? So somebody might say something and I might take it as, ooh, that was a threat and somebody else might take it as, oh, that person was just being a jerk. They shouldn't have said that.

Right? But being aware of what triggers us, our response to a trigger is to protect ourselves. And usually that's done without thinking. And so we respond in a way, oh, I'm sorry, we react in a way that is usually not keeping the relationship intact. So knowing your triggers allows you to be aware of them before you are triggered. And the more triggers you're aware of, the more you're educating yourself so you can be forewarned as forearmed. Cool.

The third is the ability to effectively communicate. And again, that could be a whole other podcast, right? So when I'm coaching with people, what I would like to say a lot is if somebody says something to me that I find hurtful or obnoxious or whatever, rather than saying, what are you talking about? Right? Like I can, I can be great with that, right? What you want to try to say is help me understand that, right? And now you're putting it on yourself because whenever you point to try to say is, help me understand that. Right? And now you're putting it on yourself because whenever you point to someone,

they get defensive and it's already an adversarial relationship. Right? So you always want to put it on yourself. Another technique is if somebody says something that's hurtful, that you interpret as hurtful, you could say, what did you think I'm supposed to do with that statement? And they will back down big time, right?

But you have to have the presence of mind to not be reactive. Right. And we want to respond, not react. Exactly. Now, here's my little hack. I love to have hacks. People probably only remember this. Three questions to ask yourself in the heat of the moment that will increase your emotional intelligence. And if you say no to any of them, don't say anything. Wait till cooler heads prevail, especially yours. First question,

somebody triggers you. Number one, you want to really lash out. Number one, does this need to be said? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Question number two. Again, in the heat of the moment. Question number two, does this need to be said now? Yeah. Timing can be everything. Maybe it does need to be said, but maybe now's not the time. Especially if you're in an executive meeting and another executive pushed you off, you're better off not getting into it with other people around. Question number three, does it need to be said now by me? Maybe it does need to be said. And maybe it does need to be said now. But maybe if you deliver the message, they're going to kill the messenger. Right? So if you say no to any one of those questions, you're being triggered, you could be triggered, and it

might not be a productive conversation. Those questions are really helpful. So in the heat of the moment, in the heat of the moment, does this need to be said? Does this need to be said now? Does it need to be said now by me? Correct. And I love that. And the three parts to increase our emotional intelligence are the three parts of emotional intelligence, perception, triggers,

and effectively communicate. Let's dive in a little bit more to triggers because, you know, Dr. Patty Ann, I've probably had a goal of this maybe the last year and a half or so just to be triggered less, you know, because I would, I would, and trigger to me means even in my own mind, just to let things go a little bit more. And I have two teenage boys, you know, so. Oh, that was probably my little quest of like, okay, it could be worse. It could be worse. It could be worse. It could be two teenage girls. Yeah. like what did they say okay i'm not going to take that personally right just let that go so for us to first of all my question would be how how how do we understand what our triggers are and what advice would you have for people who want to get triggered less like myself okay okay so you actually said a great thing about with the boys like you let it go um you can't take everything personal and we tend to right it's simple but not it's simple but not easy all right tell me the question

again so uh how do we get triggered triggers yeah how do we get triggered less yeah okay so if think okay think about usually it's angry, frustration, emotions that get us in trouble, right? We're not usually triggered because we're so happy or somebody makes us so happy, right? People don't say, oh, don't invite that one to the party. She's always so happy. Like, we don't want that person on our team because they're always so pissed off, right? So that's the thing.

So what I would suggest you do, certainly in a professional setting where you have trust, is say, hey, what is it that you see about me that I overreact to, right? Because a trigger usually means you're overreacting to something. And that's a good place to start. And usually it's an anger. So think about what pisses you off, right? So let me give you an example of how triggers are the same behavior can trigger one person and not another. You go into a meeting or you're holding a meeting and somebody walks in late, absolutely pisses you off and you call them out.

Somebody else is holding a meeting and somebody walks in late. It doesn't bother them. Lateness triggers one person and not the other. And there's a reason behind that, right? I really, really have a hard time when someone lies. It triggers me. I have to work on not responding, you know, responding to it, not being reactive to it. Somebody else is like, oh, people lie all the time. It's not a big deal, right? So it comes from a long way of saying how to decrease your triggers and how to be aware of them. Socrates, know thyself.

The more self-awareness you have, the more you'll be able to know what triggers you. And if for some reason on God's green earth, you don't know, all you need to do is ask the people you work with and the people you live with, and I guarantee you they will be more than happy to share it with you. Absolutely. I love that. Ask the people that you work with or that you live with if you're not. There you go. Yeah. And I think, you know, self-awareness is one of maybe the most important skill of high performance, because if you're not aware of yourself and your tendencies, how do you really intervene with yourself and how do you reach your highest potential, right? And not only that,

Sandra, but self-awareness also includes what your unique ability is, what your strengths are, what your weaknesses are. As a high performer, or if you own your business, or you're an executive, you want to hire into your weakness, right? You don't hire someone that's good at what you do. Actually, you're creating a whole other set of problems with that. You're creating conflict. Well, my way is the right way. Well, I know how to do it. Well, I know how to do it. So you hire into what you're not good at. And that's how you make a formidable team. That's how you make a high performance team. Right. You don't need three out of six executives good at marketing. You need one, right? But you need someone good at AI, and you might meet someone good at accounting, right? And then that's where you're stronger together. Hi, this is Cinder Campoff, and thanks for listening to the High Performance Mindset. Did you know that the ideas we share in the show are things we actually specialize in implementing? If you want to become mentally stronger, lead your team more effectively and get to your goals quicker. Visit freementalbreakthroughcall.com

to sign up for your free mental breakthrough call with one of our certified coaches. Again, that's freementalbreakthroughcall.com to sign up for your free call. Talk to you soon. So we've talked about lots of great value. So thank you so much, Dr. Fadi and so far. One of my questions is about relationships. And we were talking about how relationships are so important to emotional intelligence. What advice would you give us for just continuing to nurture or create relationships. Okay. So I would actually say that the relationships are what, this is going to be a funny way.

I've never said this before, it this way. Relationships, healthy relationships are what you are rewarded with when you have high emotional intelligence, right? Because you're able to see things from somebody else's perspective, right? You might still believe your truth, but you have enough self-awareness to know just because this is my truth doesn't mean it has to be somebody else's truth. And people appreciate that. People appreciate that you're not turning them into you, right? In relationships, we will say we want to improve our relationships, personal and professional. But many times if you scratch the surface, Sindra, what the person that says, I want to improve our relationship means is,

I want you to be more like me. Yes. That's what I write. I want you to think more like me. I want to improve our relationship means is I want you to be more like me. Yes. That's what I write. I want you to think more like me. I want you to act more like me. I want you pretty much to be a mini me. And then we'll get along fine. Whereas the leader that can appreciate the difference, and it doesn't mean you're agreeing. We want authenticity here. And this is what's missing in the world. Lord knows. And we're not getting into politics. And this is what's missing in the world, Lord knows. And we're not getting into politics, but this is what's missing in the world. My right is the only right. Well, then we're in a problem, right? Because we used to think that the world was flat. As a matter of fact, we burned people at the stake when they disagreed with us. that in fact wasn't the truth.

Right? So when you allow people with a different perspective into your world, it not only enriches your relationship with that person, I will go so far as to say it enriches the most important relationship we have, which is with yourself. So helpful. I love the way that you keep talking about truth. And when I was going through my coaching certificate, they talked about capital T truth versus lowercase truth. And like capital T is like, okay, Joe Biden is president, right? That's capital T. Everyone knows that he's the president of the United States right now, right? But then there's these

lowercase truths of like, it's based on our perception and it's based on our understanding. We might see the same exact situation unfold right before us, but the way we describe it is based on our own perception. Right. I think, was that Stephen M. Alcovey? Because he did a lot of work on trust and smart trust and truth. But here's a great example. Okay, Sindra, I am so going to date myself. For people that are only listening to this, I swear I am not as old as dirt. Do you remember the movie? I think it was a book first, 12 Angry Men. I did not see that movie. Okay. So it was a movie about a juror where everybody was convinced that the person, I think they were accused of murder, right?

And then it was true. They were convinced. And then one by one, the defense attorney got holes in what the person was convinced was the truth, for example. And I happen to have it right here. So I do have a good prop for us today. It turns out one person that swears, she looked out her window because she was awoken to the sound of the person murdering someone, the defendant murdering someone. It turns out that the person has really poor vision, which I do.

And they were saying, well, where did you put your glasses on? She goes, no, I just jumped up and I looked out the window. Well, if you didn't have your glasses on, how do you know that what you saw was in fact what was there? And it turns out the person was acquitted because as soon as you started to question or ask about the truth, you get a different answer, which also leads me to increase emotional intelligence. Come from any situation, especially the ones you disagree with, from a place of curiosity. Just tell me more about that. What I said earlier, help me understand that. I haven't heard that before. As opposed to, you're crazy, that's wrong. Now you're shutting down the conversation and you're probably not going to be nurturing that relationship. But if I asked you to help me understand that and you genuinely listen,

effective communication, actively listen without a preconceived notion, without being attached to the outcome, and you come to differences and things that do piss you off from a place of curiosity. Okay. You said you have two teenage boys, right? They do the stupidest things, myself included, with my kids, right? That's because their brain literally isn't formed until 25. So when we say, what were you thinking? Clearly they weren't because they don't have the brain capacity. But when they say things or do things, if you would say to them, help me understand why you think I could find your job strap.

When you took it off you wear it and you left it in the bathroom help me understand why you think I would know where it is right I mean that's conversation I have my kids all the time like they'd call me at work back in the day when you had an office like mom where's my jock strap I said I have no clue but I can guarantee you I wasn't wearing it that's awesome am I right to say that right right instead of like yeah we can easily get judgmental or we can react with like heightened frustration right uh instead of I love that help me understand um help me understand and then also help me understand what I'm supposed to do with that response so they say something that's so

absolutely insane like guys let me understand what am I supposed to do with that then you can get to another level how do you think that makes me feel how would you feel if I said that to you but that's getting a little bit deeper and we all deal with teenagers so you can't rationalize with

irrational people I get that I raised four kids. their sports teams, like all the different ways, right? Kind of what you said about emotional intelligence is important for everybody. What about people who feel like they have some kind of conflict in a relationship? Can you talk a little bit about ways that we might be able to repair that relationship? Because I know, obviously, you're a relationship expert. So tell us what we do when we feel like there's a relationship we want to strengthen that's you know there's some damage there okay and this is the counter based on a lack of trust or breach trust well my guess is when i think about relationships i want to repair yeah there's there there hasn't been a lack of trust what are other ways that you can think of difference of opinions sometimes there's a difference it's come that are you kidding me families have been torn apart with

politics today it's insane it's insane right um let's go with like the repairing of trust okay so the the first piece is actually and you you said something, I wanted to talk about the brain, but that's okay. The first thing with trust is if you breach somebody's trust, if you breach somebody's trust, like let's just take a simple example. You told somebody you were going to be somewhere and you didn't show up and you didn't call them. That's a breach of trust, right? First thing you do is stop making excuses and take personal responsibility for the lack of trust. Now, the more significant the breach of trust is, we have to tailor this. So this is what I will tell people certainly at work and also in sports. Oh, I know what I wanted to say about, hopefully

I'll remember this for your athletes because I want to give them some real good nuggets too. Even if you believe, and maybe you're right, that the other person is 95% wrong or 99% wrong, if you are willing to take responsibility for the 1% or the 2% or the 5% that you bring to the Breacher Trust. That will help repair, okay? Because if you think you are going to get somebody to come around and see things your way, if you're not willing to move a little bit, to move the needle, you're waiting for goodot. It's just not going to happen. But that's the first thing, to take responsibility for the trust that was broken. And then the second piece is to talk about the perception, right? About, was it,

that may not have been my intention. I know you perceive it that way. And acknowledge that. And then ask the person, what do you need from me to help us repair this trust or to get the relationship to a better place? Right? Let them tell you as opposed to you assuring you know. Because that probably is what got you in trouble to begin with. Yeah. So many times we mind read or we, you know. Inaccurately.

Inaccurately. Or we take things personally when really things don't have anything to do with us. Well, what we do. Okay. So the golden rule was to treat people the way we want to be treated. No, that's wrong. Treat people the way they want to be treated, right? So what might make you feel better or make me feel better about a situation might not be what the other person needs. So let's ask them. It's really simple. But what we have to be willing to do is to put our ego aside

which is not so easy for a lot of people but we have to put our ego aside easier said than done it is difficult yeah what did you want to say about the brain so we go back to that and like how does neuroscience support what we've talked about oh my gosh this is so great so i love this and i'm a big sports person. I was an athlete. I love sports. Go Huskies, UConn women. I probably just alienated some people.

I mean, UConn men, but UConn in general, because we won the NCAA this year. Go, yeah, Hurley. Oh my God. He's a great story too. But anyway, so the brain can only think in visuals, right? And the brain can only think in visuals, right? And the brain can't think in negatives. So you don't hear coaches, or at least not good coaches, say to a batter, don't strike out.

The brain can't process that because it only hears strike out. What you say is, keep your eye on the ball. Keep your eye on the ball. Keep your eye on the ball. And then you create the imagery with that because the brain can only think in pictures. So one of the reasons why affirmations don't work is because you don't just say, I'm going to win the game. That doesn't create the neural pathway in your brain. You, and this is what great athletes do. Michael Phelps did it. I was a swimmer. Michael Jordan did it.

Like all great athletes, past and present, will visualize the win. But what they also do that people forget is you also have to attach the feeling of the win right so it's not just you know i'm going to win i visualize it i picture and i feel it and that creates the neural pathway of a champion yeah there's so much lack of information out there right like like michael phelps will tell you because i read your stuff he'd be like i pictured the race i felt i felt it i felt this woman coming up on me i and when i touched it i felt the wonderful the rush of whatever right that creates the neural pathway it's absolutely it amazing. It's so great. It's so great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm thinking about the research on imagery right now. And right, when you imagine, you can imagine something in the past, or you can imagine something in the future. It's an aspect of why a vision board works, but it's only one aspect. You can't just have the vision board, right? You have to visualize it. You have to visualize it. What were you saying about affirmations and how they don't work? And if we wanted an affirmation to work for us, would you recommend that we imagine ourselves doing that and then feeling it? Okay. So let's be honest. Money makes the world go round. Don't tell me it doesn't buy happiness. It creates choices and gives you experiences you would have otherwise.

Only people that say money doesn't buy them happiness are the people that have it. So that's a whole other conversation because I have a lot about your relationship to money. Okay. Oh, yes. And you wrote this about that. Correct. So I want to say that, say, okay, so I want to make a million dollars. Okay. Great to say it, but I want you to picture yourself with a million dollars surrounding you in your bank, checking the wire transfer, right? But then, then I want you to also create the feeling attached to it. I want to, I will make a million dollars. You visualize it and I will feel so empowered. I will feel so enriched.

So it's almost like the affirmation, the visualization, and the feeling attached to it, right? Because all of my work has to do with relationships and emotions and it's all about that. Why? Because emotions are, I don't want to bury the headline, but I know we don't have enough time. Emotions, if you write it down, everybody listening, write it down or spell it out in your brain, but I'd rather you do it the old fashioned way. E-M-O-T-I-O-N, emotions are, circle the E, energy and motion. First law of thermodynamics, neither matter nor energy can be created or destroyed. It just can be transferred. It can be transformed.

Right? So, okay. There you go. I'm just trying to give value to everybody. I love it. Well, let's go with this idea of energy. And then I know we'll wrap up after that. But tell us about emotions or energy and energy in motion. And just tell us how you see energy and how that connects to what we've talked about so far.

Okay. So let's do a little exercise because experience is how we learn, right? Theory is not, right? We need to experience area is bump, bump, bump, bump. We need to experience it. So trust me, everybody. Sindhu, trust me. I want you to close your eyes. If you're driving, pull over.

Uncross your legs. Uncross your hands. And I want you to take two deep breaths. And keep your eyes closed. Two more. I want you to now feel and picture being sad, being angry, being lost. The world is really crapping on you. You're frustrated. Nothing is going right. You have no money. Your relationships are strained. You lost your job. I want you to feel it. And I want you to feel it in all its glory. And now when you have really felt it, I want you to feel it even more.

I want you to embrace it. I want you to own it. I want it to be a part of you. Hold on to that feeling. Now, I want you to tell me, do you think in this place you can create or you can become innovative? Okay. Look at me now. Yeah. Okay. It sucks, right? It sucks. I could feel right when you started talking, I mean, my smile went to like a frown and then all of a sudden I felt like this energy in the back of my neck, like just like dark negative energy. Right. Okay. We call that constriction.

We call that constriction. So our energy is, it's like, it's like having a tube with the rust and the rusted building and the water it's going through it, but it's not going through it smooth and it's like trickle trickling out. now you're gonna like this so stay with me here okay now go back to where we were take two close your eyes and take two deep breaths Feel joy and happiness and peace and love and abundance, gratitude and success. Feel it all, all of it, every aspect of it. Embrace it. Own it. Make it a part of who you are.

And now feel it even more. Now, do you think you can create from this place? Do you think you can be innovative? Okay. We call that expansion. That's where our energy is flowing from us. As a business leader, as an entrepreneur, as an athlete, when I'm coaching people in all those platforms,

that's the energy, that is our energy needs to show up. That is why if I'm helping somebody in their business and we free up that energy and they come from a place of expansion, and again, this is neuroscience. I'm not woo. I'm from New York. It also impacts positive aspects of their personal life. When I'm helping people in their personal relationships, it impacts their business, right? We've all been at places where somebody walks in the room and they're the life of the party. They don't have to say a word. They bring an energy. And we've also been in a room and we're like, oh, I hope they don't show up because they'd be downer. You go out to a restaurant, you have a couple

sitting next to you and you can tell who's fighting and you can tell who's going to go home and have sex. And you don't know anything other than you're just looking at them and you're feeling their energy. Yeah. Isn't that true? Yeah. And what advice would you give us for those people who are listening and say, well, I want to have more of that expansion energy versus the constricting energy? Gosh, you know what? I should have known that question was coming when I said that. I didn't think about it. Well, the ways to increase your expansion, at least when you're working with me, is to

go to be aware of what puts you in a place of expansion and add that to your life. And for a lot of people, it's being outdoors. And there's science behind being outdoors in the sun and how that helps us, right? If reading puts you in a place of expansion, if anything that, I could say it this way, which is such a bastardization of the concept, but anything that brings you to your happy place. Yeah, and I would get it.

But if you're trying to create and solve a problem and you're in a place of constriction, stop. Because all you're doing is beating yourself up. It's not going to work. It's going to be too hard. So, you know, it's like trying to get the water through the pipe flowing the way it's supposed to flow just because you're trying harder. You have to clean it out, right? So go, all right, what cleans it out? What brings you happiness? Excellent, Dr. Patty. And such great advice. What puts you there and do more of that?

How can we find more about you and follow along with your work, get some of your books? I know you have several. Just tell us a bit about what you do and how people can reach out to you. Okay, great. So thank you. So basically, as we talked about, I like a human behavior, human motivation expert, right? And I'm a relationship expert, emotional intelligence expert. And I help people with all businesses, all aspects of their life, create healthy relationships in business that impact the bottom line in their personal life

that creates healthy relationships, right? And it sounds like everything, but it's really not because I work with all businesses. 80% of all business are people in relationships, right? I don't need to know your business. Like I don't, I'm not going to be the person that's going to tell you how to create the product, right? But I can help you create the team cohesion and the leadership and the collaboration. Like when companies merge or they're bought, the reason why they're not successful is because the people, it's not a healthy culture merge or the people don't get along. So there's that.

So what people can go to is I usually send people to my LinkedIn page, Dr. Patty Ann. And then I also have a website, drpattyann.com. I'm never crazy about my website, but whatever. And then I have a podcast, Dr. Patty Ann's podcast, which I would love people to subscribe to. And I'm on Instagram, Dr. Patty Ann, Facebook, X, all that good stuff. So I do, I go, honestly, I know this is like marketing, you know, mortal sin. I have my podcast all the time and I do have my articles, but I'm not all over social media. Like I'm not posting what I eat. Like nobody cares, you know? And I put some of my personal stuff out there, but it's not like everything,

you know, just that's just me. I love it. Thank you, Dr. Patty Ann. So you can go check out LinkedIn or drpattyann.com. And here's here's my summary of what we talked about today. Everything we discussed is a human skill. and that human skill is essential for anyone who's listening and their success. We defined what emotional intelligence is. Really, it's emotions that you feel in real time and managing them, and while also being aware of the emotions of others. We talked about three ways to grow your emotional intelligence, your perception, your triggers and understanding

them and effectively communicating. You gave us three questions to ask in the moment. Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said now? And does it need to be said by me? And then we were talking about, I love some of your language of like, help me understand just so, you know, we can deescalate conflict and situations. And then at the end, when you were having us think about our different types of energy, is it expansion or constriction? So thank you so much for being on today and helping us continue to think about our emotional intelligence. You're welcome. It was really so much fun. Thank you so much for having me. Way to go for finishing another episode of the High Performance Mindset. I'm giving you a

virtual fist pump. Holy cow, did that go by way too fast for anyone else? If you want more, remember to subscribe and you can head over to Dr. Sindra for show notes and to join my exclusive community for high performers where you get access to videos about mindset each week. So again, you can add over to Dr. Sindra. That's D-R-C-I-N-D-R-A dot com. See you next week.