History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 126 - Matteo Lane is WILD!

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

We celebrate Women's Month with the amazing Matteo Lane! The amazing singer, artist and comedian takes us through an amazing look at the lives of Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli as well as some crazy adventures he's shared with Chrissy!Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

what's up cuzzy wuzzies you're listening to the episode of the history hyenas i'm'm Chrissy Cackles. Yanni Takani, he's not here yet. He'll be here. I think that he's a little late because our guest for today is Mateo Lane, one of our great friends, great friend of the show. And I think if Giannis was here, it would all just be too gay. There's too much gay in the room if it's me, Yanni Tak Takani and Mateo. Also, we have Mike Suarez, of course, Mikey Mush. Zach Isis Fingers is here. And then the wonderful Venetia are the leader of the matriarchy that keeps this train on the tracks. So before we start anything, as we do every show, everybody, let's get the gay out except you, Mateo. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. We got it out now Mateo Lane yes fucking listen first of all if you want to jerk off today go to at Mateo Lane because that's where that's he's at 156,000 followers

he's asking he asked before the show how does he get more you guys the history hyenas flood his fucking Instagram right now. Follow him at Mateo Lane. It's what I tuck my dick back and rub my penis clit to every night. You have to warn them that I'm like, first of all, half of it's my artwork. Yes. And then the other half is my ass. So you just have to kind of pick and choose.

They're both amazing. Yes. Now, Mateo said before you said that you liked my comments on your Instagram. They're always the best. And I think also people who follow me are like taking it back. You know what I mean? Because like I have some pretty forward. Like if you look at this, like I have some very forward messages.

Right. But then yours will always be like, I want to be your shit stain. Right. Right. You know what I mean? And it's like oddly fun, progressive comment. Yeah. Because listen, I see that.

I look at this picture. You have bread in your ass crack. Which John Milhiser did it for his baguettes. Right. You're completely butt naked with a hat on. And, you know, I'm not gay, but I'm there's definitely blood flow going to my cock right now because you're just a beautiful man. You know, I talk about this like you can't deny beauty is just a beautiful man. You know what I mean? I'd eat that bread out of your ass. I'm not looking at, you know. Your comment was literally, I will eat your ass. Is that what I said? I will eat your ass?

Because it has bread in it. And I'm not keto this week. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean it. Obviously, like, I love you like a brother. And, yeah, I just, you're so talented of a guy. I've talked about this before. I remember when you came over to cook for us in my new place, it was me, you, Mike Cannon,

his wife, and my daughter, Delilah. And at one point you were holding my daughter, stirring carbonara sauce, right? And drawing Delilah a picture of the Little Mermaid and also singing the Little Mermaid as perfectly as the actress who sang it could sing it. And my daughter just doesn't, like her mind was blown. She was like, I love Aunt Mateo. And she does.

She talks about you all the time. Oh, that's cute. I need to come back. Anytime. We're both on the road though so much. I know. During the week. Yeah. Yeah, it is. comics do have to just hang out in the week that's what we have to do every tuesday night i have her and she stays over so tuesday night's the night for me and you to hang out work with delilah um so yeah so history hyenas sometimes

we talk about history topics sometimes we don't. Sometimes we go wild. Do you like history? I do. You know, it's like I used to make fun of my dad because, like, growing up, all he would do is watch those, like, you know, I mean, just anything Hitler. World War Two. Oh, my God. Helicopter. My dad was a Vietnam vet.

Also has two gay sons. He's emotionally unavailable. Two gay sons? Yeah, because my older brother's also gay. Wow. I know. That guy's got some gay sperm. I mean, literally.

He's probably did some shit in Vietnam. I actually think my dad 100% didn't. I guarantee he cornholed some Vietnamese boy. I think girl, maybe. My dad, it's so funny because there was a lot of, I think there was a lot of prostitutes. Oh, yeah, no. Giannis' father used to bang Korean prostitutes all the time.

He talked about it. Yeah, his dad was in the Korean War. His dad was in the Korean War. How old was his dad? His dad is 92. Maron. Yeah, and Giannis is 44. Both his mom.

Giannis is 44? Or 43, yeah. He looks great. He does. Giannis' mom was like 45, and his dad was like forty nine when they had him. He was a complete accident. Like there were like high powered lawyers, like career driven maniacs. And Giannis just came out.

That's why Giannis got a lot of emotional issues. I can imagine. Yeah. He's just all fucked up. Well, my grandma had my my grandma had seven kids in the last one. I think she was like forty four when when she had. Yeah, it's V normal. Yeah.

Maybe like that, like Italians and Greeks, like, you know, Catholic. I don't know. But you're like Greek Orthodox. I was like kind of Catholic, but I don't even know what I was talking about. You were talking about your dad. Yeah. You were just. Yeah.

We're just talking about how your dad's balls are rainbow cookies. Yeah, I think so. And my cousin's gay. I think it's my mom's side of the family, actually, because my mom, there's more gays than there are. Well, there's a lot of gays on my mom's side. Speaking of your family, can we shout out your aunt what's her name again my aunt cindy auntie cindy auntie cindy came to one of my shows in las vegas with you last month i can't

she was so sweet and auntie cindy's friend was trying to openly have sex with me i don't know one of them she was like do you like older women and i was like god yeah she was like take me on the ferris wheel it'd be the best spin of your life i was like okay whoa yeah yeah i forgot what her name was but uh i wish i would have done it i mean you would have had i'm sure you had a good time aunt cindy is like my aunt cindy's the best she's like my second mother i grew up next to her but you're the best i get i get like you know when, when I met her, I was like, oh, this is why Mateo is, like, I could see, like, that you have such, like, a cool aunt, like, a fun-loving aunt. I'm like, this is where Mateo comes from. Yeah, she's also the funniest, like, one of the funniest people.

She was great. Yeah. She was wild. I remember, yeah, I remember her telling us, too, that what, that she was like she she said something funny about how like everybody knew you were gay like when you were like three she was like he was the gayest three-year-old of course me and her son brian we were like gay together like like yeah because we were used to um well all of us played barbie but we also like played mermaid which what mermaid means is like all the gays me and my brother my cousin and all the girls like lay on rocks and be like

and then my cousin michael the only straight one just was like scuttle and prince eric i was like sure and uh we played with barbies we pretended i pretended i was storm my cousin brian his her son uh thought he was jubilee i mean we're just like very gay kids it's storm the go-to um for gays yes for gays for gay men storm is the one winds rise and sweep the thorns beneath our path i talked about this morning at jim and sam yeah she's like super gay and in the x-men cartoon shows she was might as well been played by rupaul right yeah she's a drag queen essentially like her maleficent like all the other gay icons hally bear is awful all these other gay icons are like you know they're they're sort of um uh all drag queens in a way they are yeah i mean holly barry yeah looking at her now

she does look a little dragged out. I mean, she's she wasn't a straight guys. I mean, she's hot. Oh, she's beautiful. Monsters Ball when she gets banged out by Billy Bob Thorne. I can't believe they got away with a movie called Monster Ball. Like, I mean, like Jodie Foster had a movie called The Beaver and no one made jokes about it.

Yeah. The Beaver. The Beaver. The lesbian director being like, I'm going to direct The Beaver. The Beaver. Like you could have picked any other animal. No, I think I'm going to go with The Beaver. The beaver. The lesbian director being like, I'm going to direct the beaver. The beaver. Like, you could have picked any other animal. No, I think I'm going to go with the beaver. You know, first of all, since I started comedy, I have a lot of, I think I have at least two gay friends back home that just won't come out because it's too deep in Brooklyn.

You're like, nah, I'm a fucking firefighter. I'm like, you're on fire. Even though they're in a sundress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now comedy, you know, I was getting though they're in a sundress. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But now comedy, you know, I was getting a comedy. I have so many gay friends. And, um, I remember the craziest thing that's ever happened that I've ever seen in real life was two gay friends that I have gay couple. And I was hanging out with them on the 38th floor of their apartment. And it was like, I remember this guy made one of the, the, one of the guys made fucking pesto dip and it was awesome.

It was like, I love pesto dip. And then, and then he, they were like arguing. I could tell there was a problem. And then he comes out of the bedroom and he's like, did you fucking cheat on me? And the guy's like, what do you mean? What do you mean? He goes, you fucking cheated on me.

And everybody was kind of like drunk. And we're in the 38th floor and he's got the phone. And he you mean he goes you fucking cheated on me and everybody was kind of like drunk and we're in the 38th floor and he's got the phone and he goes tell me you fucking cheated on me and i'm like oh my should i leave but like i want the pesto dip i'm like i'm like trying to eat the pesto dip quick because it's so fucking good and um and he goes tell me you cheated on me he's like tell me did you give me aids did you give me fucking aids and i was like and then the guy was like i gave you aids and then i was like do you guys have aid like what's happening and the guy and then the guy who was yelling goes i bid you both a farewell jumps off the 38th floor balcony okay jumps off i thought he was gonna throw the. He takes a step and jumps off like fucking black swan hands out, jumps off.

And then the other guy yells, no, it was like crazy. And then you hear I like I was paralyzed with fear. Thirty not 30 seconds later, three seconds later, you just hear, oh, my legs are broken. He fell. He had jumped off to fucking kill himself in front of us and he landed on a balcony on like a a long balcony two stories below and broke both of his fucking legs it's two o'clock in the morning this is all true everything i'm telling you is true it's two o'clock in the morning this is like eight years ago okay it's two o'clock in the morning i call 9-1-1 i call 9-1-1 so as the emts are coming he's two floors down the person wasn't home so they had to like break open the door i'm up with the other guy like and they're talking to like just breathe baby just breathe and i'm like oh my god still with the pesto dip and then the emt that shows up

the emt that shows up out of all the fucking emts that the fdny could send the emt that shows up, the EMT that shows up out of all the fucking EMTs that the FDNY could send, the EMT that shows up is my cousin. My fucking first cousin. And I'm up on the 38th floor at 2 o'clock in the morning with two gay guys. One has his legs broken, 20 feet below, and I'm just fucking have pesto

dip all over my face. And the first thing she goes is she goes, I won't tell your father. I was like, oh my god. That's the most dramatic story I've ever over my face and the first thing she goes is she goes i won't tell your father i was like i was like oh my god that's the most dramatic story i've ever heard in my entire life but that's what happens when you hang out with the gays i've been hanging out with gays since i was two and i've never had that kind of drama and i my best friends are drag queens no i'm telling you it was the best thing that ever happened it's like a story that like i i almost forget that it even happened to me because that's how fucking wild it was is the most i am like

uncomfortable i've never been so i'm uncomfortable yes are you okay are they okay they're yeah that's the thing about gay guys is like what i fucking love about it it's like it's like that happened they were yelling that they gave each other aids i don't think either one of them maybe they do i don't know but i mean one of them tried to kill himself in front of the other and then broke both of his legs and they're still together why are they still together i don't know i i don't know it's still a couple i i'm i was not expecting this i'm in shock oh, he's talking about pesto. I literally have nothing to add to this. I'm in shock.

I'm like, what a traumatizing experience. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Me with my gay friends is like four o'clock in the morning playing Super Smash Brothers. Kind of being bitchy towards each other. I've never had this experience before. Yeah. I'm telling you, it's just it's always a good time with the gays. I don't

think that's a good time. Oh, okay. It's always a great story. It's always a great story. Well, a great story, sure. Yeah. But like, my god. That's like better than Endgame. Okay, but let me... I mean, I can't

even think of anything more dramatic besides the movie Stepmom. Yeah. That was an unnecessarily dramatic movie. What? Okay. So let me ask you this. Yeah.

So you said we said that maybe we'd talk about like Judy Garland. Which I completely forgot about, but I'm always ready to talk about Judy Garland. Okay. So Judy Garland. Who knows about Judy Garland? Do you know, Mike? I only know. She's Wizard of Oz? Yes. Okay. And Liza's mom. Yes knows about Judy Garland? Do you know, Mike? I only know She's Wizard of Oz?

Yes. And Liza's mom. And who's mom? Liza Minnelli. You have no idea who Liza Minnelli is? I do. Wow, Judy Garland could fucking, she could get cracked open. She had no fear of Judy Garland. Is that a bad or good thing? Cracked open means if I say you get cracked open and cleaned out, it means I can have sex with you.

I'll have fucking sex with you. You'll get fucking cracked open. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm fine with it. But I think there's- And no fumes, meaning her genitals don't smell. You have no fumes either. You have a clean ass.

There's Liza. Liza Minouche. It was so funny. This is Liza. I can't believe you don't know. I do a perfect Liza. Is she dead? No.

Oh. I should have died many times, but I'm still here. So we have to get you. You have to meet Liza Minnelli. I would know what to do. Would you talk to her like that? I would probably cry. And I have a video where I do Liza Minnelli, 73 Questions Vogue Magazine with Liza Minnelli.

I dressed up as Liza. And I, God, gay and straight roles are so different. You have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm also speaking Chinese. I'm like, yeah, well yeah well did you watch the giants game last night yes i used to be married so i know exactly what you're talking about you did okay yeah it works so there yeah yeah so so why is liza minnelli famous she's the daughter of judy garland and the daughter of vincent minnelli vincent minnelli was a very famous mgm director famously gay but it was the you know 50s and 40s so he was closeted and so she was born and she you know took on a lot of the characteristics of her mother great singer

great dancer and she became ultimately famous for the movie cabaret which was directed by um uh fossy and she was just phenomenal in that movie and then she became a star but then she had this big drug problem and so it was like in and out of rehab and up and down with the weight and so now she's like this shit brain encephalitis and then she married david guest and that fucked up wedding so at this point she's a little bit of a care by a little bit a lot of a caricature of herself she was on the home shopping network laying like she was in traction and she was like trying to hawk whatever bullshit jewelry and she was so fucked up that the host was like all right we have doris on the line doris is from

georgia doris say hi to Liza Minnelli. Liza goes, hello, Georgia from Doris. She's fucked up. Awesome. So I sort of became enamored by her because I remember like right before 9-11 was the Michael Jackson 30th anniversary special. And they just wheeled out from good stars to bad stars. I mean, it was just a shit show. It was a shit show.

And one of them was Liza Minnelli. And I noticed she was, it's funny that that's what you remember right before nine 11. Oh, Michael Jackson, 30th tribute. I'll never forget that. I remember Michael Jordan fucking signing with the wizards.

You know, it's funny as I know a lot about Michael Jordan because, um, and Mariah Carey sang here to him and he cried. Um, but yeah, she gave Michael Jackson. Was he gay, Michael Jackson? Was he gay?

Well, you know, I'm not an authority to say whether he was or wasn't gay, but I would just sort of focus on a photo of him and you can sort of come to your own. But Liza came out. She had just suffered brain encephalitis. And so she had this big wobble in her voice and she sang You Are Not Alone and had like chicken legs. And she was such a mess. Like, you are not alone. And had like chicken legs. And she was such a mess. Like, you are not alone. Can we play that?

Do we have that? Oh, go to YouTube. It's there. Yeah, just put in Lisa. Liza Minnelli. Liza Minnelli. She even has a song called, it's Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S. Because Lisa with an S goes, it's not Z.

It was so shitty, right? But even as a seventh grader, or a sophomore in high school, I was drawn to her. I was like, there's something about this tragic figure with this big wobble. And I'm like, I'm drawn to her. And then, of course, I get older. I'm like, she's one of the biggest gay icons of all time. Just skip in the middle and you'll see. She sounds like beef jerky.

Let me hear it. Let me hear it. jerky. Let me hear it. Let me. Watch her leg here. Ready? This is the only dance move she does.

Her chicken leg just comes out. Bam. Can we post that, Mikey? Yeah. And I love everything about this is it like I wish I could do this everybody knows that this is a shit I mean listen to me

I know but you know sometimes I feel like you know well you know what it is it's like because she's such a legend and if you just can you do me a favor and google Liza Minnelli cabaret live in 1980 and you can hear what she actually was but Can you do me a favor and Google Liza Minnelli Cabaret Live in 1980? And you can hear what she actually was. But I think because when you get like these singers that it's like she should have died a thousand times, right? With the drugs and the brain encephalitis and the addiction.

And she did. The first one's good. Just skip like three quarters of the way through. But because she's still out there like, it doesn't matter who I am, it's like, all right, you're in. We're in. We're in. And Judy. What? This top one.

Top one and skipped like 75 percent the way through. Yeah. And you'll see she knows she was very captivated. I also look a lot like her. We both have the same Italian like WAPI. And you'll see. But she used to be very talented. And she was so much like her mother it was

haunting and that's why america because liza is one of three kids but we picked liza got has to be judy's daughter so like i think the gays just swarmed her judy died an early death at 47 how'd she die and that drugs drugs and drugs and so you know liza was like the sort of the phoenix rising of judy and then she suffered the same consequence but this would be the best she ever was all right i made my mind I'm dying like Kelsey Stop admitting I'm crazy about you

It isn't that long a stay Life is a cannery ofaret auction it's only a cabaret auction and I love a cabaret

auction I have a wig on for the video if you go to oh you did this? well no I'll show you go to Liza... Oh, you did this? Well, no, I'll show you. Go to Liza Minnelli's 73 questions. Bob the Drag Queen directed it

and had like 20 wigs for me to pick from. And I looked just like her, but I kept the mustache. Yeah, we got to... That's your icon. Like, that's you. It's the mustache. There's the second one.

That's awesome. And I picked like a fucked up Liza, like after Brain and stuff, you know, after everything. Yeah, go to 73 questions with Liza Minnelli on YouTubes. There's two of them. Look at Mateo. Can we get a tour of your house?

Yes. Come this way. Just have to move it. They always say I'm the Judy's kid from the waist up that turned me from the waist down. This wiggy ass one is sick. I love this section of my house. I got most of my sweaters from Steve Jobs. How would you describe your personal style?

I usually just like to throw on the fruit roll-up. Instead of putting everything in. When did this come out? I did it like a couple months ago fucking vogue magazine baby yeah we called it vague vague magazine questions that liza manelli where'd you guys film that and my friend mitch's house that looks like a nice house yeah but liza judy was undoubtedly more talented than liza she was just a phenomenon i mean she's the ultimate gay icon. She just represents tragedy and somewhere over the rainbow. Because they worked her to death, basically.

Oh my God. So when she was two, her mother put her on vaudeville. They had to move from town to town because her dad was molesting boys. It happened. So they had to move from town to town. Her mother beat the shit out of her. So she was performing with her sisters. They were called the Gum Sisters. Then at 11, she got put into MGM and i'm sure she was terribly sexually abused there and her mother

already started her at 11 on diet pills and sleep pills because you had to make like 15 movies a year so every time she had to wake up they gave her a pill every time she had to go to sleep they gave her a pill so by the time she was 20 she was so fucked up and then she got married and thought she could escape and then she the the family forced her to get an abortion. And then she was electric shock therapy. They had abortions back then? Oh, girl. How did you fucking, what did you do?

Go to a doctor and get a take. What were they doing? I'm going to say, did they just stick a fucking, like, a hook up there? No, they had, like, you could, I mean, they knew what to do. Yeah. You know. Right. So I think by the time.

Yeah, but there was no pill. They had to surgically take that fucker out. Yeah. Holy shit. It was pretty common because, like, with the studio M pill, they had to surgically take that fucker out. Yeah. Holy shit. Because like the studio MGM, they were saying that a lot of actresses would get pregnant and they for their image not to be ruined. They would. Right. Word.

Mother. Can you imagine mother forcing you to get an abortion when you're like, I don't want to. And then I know by the time she was in her, it was the 1960s. She was just a shriveled up mess. She could always sing. She could sing till she died. But then she died at 47. She was just a shriveled up mess. She could always sing. She could sing until she died. But then she died at 47. She just looked like 100.

So Judy had more talent than Liza. I think so. But Liza's more famous than Judy. No, Judy's more famous. Judy's more famous. But Liza's incredibly talented. But Judy, if you really watch Judy, it's like Judy. Because I know Judy from the, because I used to watch, because the movie, my grandpa used to watch me.

And the movies I used to watch on repeat were Wizard of Oz, Little Women, and Pretty Woman. Bag it. Yeah, absolutely. Gay, gay, gay. I mean it was just like very much like – we've talked about – Giannis, he tries to pick my brain apart in here all day, every day. I certainly – I've said this many times on the podcast. I certainly fall in love with men but have sex with women. That's cute. said this many times in the podcast i certainly fall in love with men but have sex with women like i like i'd much rather like i'm like like when we when we all hung out of my house i remember you know it was great cook the dinner loved it we're all having just the guys were having such

a great in-depth conversation over red wine and then i put my daughter to sleep and i and i had a girl come over and blow me on the love sack while she was sleeping because I just was so horny that I needed it. And it's and the reason why I got all horned up is because you were over my house. You're very comfortable in yourself. And not a lot of men are like that. Sometimes you walk in a room and you can just feel like certain guys like they like shut down. No. And it's like the exact opposite.

And it's almost jarring because you're very good looking and very like well known and respected. And so you never know. Because I remember the first time I met you, I was like two years into comedy and you were on Girl Code and you were at Caroline's and I never met you before. And then I saw you and you are kind of a presence. Yes. I was like, oh, that's the Chris DiStefano.

Oh, thank you. How do you say your, how do you say it? DiStefano. Okay. So I say it that way too. Yeah. But I'm not. But yeah, see, that's the thing.

Like I'm comfortable. No, like I'm not. Yo, Yanni Takani just walked in. You got to take a piss. Yeah. Yanni's 44.

He's old. His prostate starting to shrivel up. Look, I have prostatitis. You do. Yeah. We're going to talk about it. Prostates.

I have to pee all the, I ruined Colin Quinn's show. Cause I had to pee. And he only forgave me because he also has prostatitis. Yeah. If you want to do a little blow, I'll take a fucking peek in the back room at the prostate. Yeah, no, want to do a little blow, I'll take a fucking peek in the back room at the prostate. Yeah, no, I yeah, I think what it is with me is like, yeah, I'm not gay at all.

But like, I just I don't I fucking celebrate gay life like some that I was telling you a story before the show about how some fucking flight attendant on my flight yesterday was like openly like almost like I'm fucking me. And she was making me feel uncomfortable because I had my daughter and she was just talking like asking me all these questions. Like, are you a single dad? What's going on? It was like weird. And then she messaged me on Instagram because I didn't respond to her. She messaged me on Instagram, found my Instagram. She goes, oh, hey, like, let's hang out next time in New York.

But just quick question. Are you bisexual? I was like, what? I was like, why would you think that? She was like, I don't know. Just your Instagram. You say a lot of like borderline gay shit. I was like, I'm not fucking bisexual. But I was kind of what? I was like, why would you think that? She was like, I don't know, just your Instagram. You say a lot of like borderline gay shit. I was like, I'm not fucking bisexual, but I kind of rude.

Yeah, I know. I was like, but also, yeah, don't fucking talk to me like that again. Or I'll fuck your brother in the ass and yell Trump 2020. Wait, wait, wait. As a Chicagoan, I'm still fascinated by the East Coast. Like, you're so East Coast. Like, you're so East Coast. You're so New York East Coast. Like, it's just I didn't grow up with anybody like you.

I didn't hear people talk like you. But I got to be honest with you, man. As far as comedy goes, in my opinion, and just as far as a city, like at least aesthetically, it's a mirror. Chicago and New York are mirror cities to me. Oh, yeah. I'm doing my second special in Chicago. I've already made that decision. They have everything.

They have the Puerto Ricans. They have the blue collar, the white collar, the fucking fandom. They have the world's fourth largest skyline. Fourth largest skyline. They have everything. They have Boys Town. They have everything. Oh, Boys Town.

I know. Madon. Madon. How many nights I've had there. It's honestly going through Boys Town. I was like, this is like, this is one of the best gayborhoods I've ever seen. Well, it's different than like. It's different.

It's, it's, you know, it's even different than the Castro in San Francisco. Like New York doesn't have like a gay street like that. Yes. Yes. You know, New York is so everything. Yeah. I mean, definitely Hell's Kitchen. You walk around.

Yeah. It's like, girl, you know, like you can see like. Boys Town is like a designated gay area. It's like you are entering the gay zone. Plug up. That's why nothing is on time. Nothing works.

The food's all right. Like, you know, gays are, we're just, yeah, we're very bad at keeping businesses together. We're very good with drinks and putting on shows. Yeah.

That's what we're good at. Yeah, Yanni, we're about 20, we're about 20 minutes in. Now we're about to fucking chain out. This is just, it's too much. Yanni's in here. Yanni Takani's in here.

It's too much. Cuz, I'm from Bay Ridge. Cuz, I just took a piss and I made noises. I'm at that age where I have to make a noise when I piss. It feels that good. It's almost worth it to hold the piss for how good it feels when I piss. Cuz, you look like a fucking doorman from 1996 in Coney Island. Get out of here.

Mateo told us he likes bears and you're coming in with a full fucking face of hair. I didn't say like bears. No. Oh, sorry. I prefer like a, like, I don't know. Am I a twink? No, no, no. Okay. I don't know. You're not even semi close to a twink. I told him I, we told him all about who I am as a gay man.

Yeah, I apologize for coming in that hot. I just saw Judy Garland on the screen. Wait a minute, you saw the Judy movie? No, I'm just seeing that. Oh, sorry. This way. You see how Matteo puckered up? I know.

I was like, how? Renee Zellweger, good for her. Yanni, we've talked about this, and I haven't said this yet, but we've talked about it. Can you put the chain away, please? I can't look at you. No, the chain's out. The jaw's out. So I'm just fucking ready to go, all right?

Because I can say whatever I want within reason now, because Vanity is here. She'll tell me to fucking scale back If she wants to Yeah, but Matteo's here, you should have a little respect for his Italian culture And put the fucking chain away Because you're looking like an Italian stereotype right now And this kid knows how to sculpt, paint And he's got a fucking fine pair of buns

Right before you walked in, I said I was going to fuck a guy in the ass And yell Trump 2020 So it's just what it is Wei Songxian I was going on to tell Matteo about how you and I have spoken about this, about how we feel Mateo, out of all our comedian friends, everybody, just top to bottom is the most all-around talented person we know. This is what I like about Mateo.

Because of everything. Singing, dancing, comedy, cooking, looks, language speaking. Why do I still live in a studio? Yeah, because fucking. Help. Why do I still live in a studio? Well, because. Yeah, because fucking. Help. Because we got to fucking demo. Because, yeah, don't worry about it.

Fucking four years, you'll be out of there. Trump, more for you, more years of fucking Trump. La Forte. La Forte, it's a character piece. Should I put the chain? No, I'm keeping the chain. No, you got to put it away. No, I want to fucking keep it.

Because you got an American flag on your fucking shoulder. Because you, Veneti, you, I don't know. The better you're doing in your career, the worse you're making your outfits look. What do you mean? You look like a guy who would come up to me like, hey, guy, how do I get in your skits? You know, you're doing a lot of skit work. I see you traveling the world. What do you think?

What do you think? Chain in or chain out, Mateo? What do you like? You know what's so funny? Because you look like you're opening for me in New Jersey right now. Yeah. I didn't even notice the chain. See?

Isn't that funny? Yeah. Maybe because I have like WAP vision. So I don't know. I can't quite. Like like you know what i mean it's almost like like i see my grandma's living room and i don't realize how ridiculous it is until someone else sees it yeah then they're like this is out of control i notice when the chain's out i say guy yeah when the chain's in i don't say guy yeah you're the the reason why i didn't notice it changed because he doesn't even really see you

yeah you're kind of just like a smudge of trash that's in his line of vision he told me i'm a presence before you're a presence but you're kind of he's being nice because he's like a classy kid who knows he's mateo is a this is why i like mateo he's the classiest comedian in new york city maybe the country i don't know about that oh you're very classy summer Ryan Hamilton is hiding dead. Yeah, he's got a dead hooker under his bed. Ryan Hamilton's got a dead hooker under his bed. And we did a whole podcast in the last week. And we can't fucking release it because he's a fucking Mormon fuck.

And it was a snooze fest anyway. He's one of those kids that's pretending like he just does it. He's like, yeah, religion, religion. Because if you're a clean comedian, there's just something a little off with you. Yeah, you're hiding something. Yeah, I know. I'm the farthest from a clean comedian. And it's fucking the way it should. I mean, listen, clean comedy is great, but it's like, what are we doing in 2019?

I know. Well, I also have not. What would I be clean about? Yeah. You can't be clean. You got fucking bread in your ass on Instagram. I do. Yeah, my Instagram is as dirty as my fucking.

Cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka, cucka. Q! Mateo's body looks like a sculpture from antiquity. Now, he's got his though. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. I know you're married, but say you weren't married. Just say you weren't married.

It's an honest question. Your wife's hot, by the way. Thank you very much. Smoking. Actually, Mateo's the litmus test, I believe. Yeah. I feel straight. Okay? A lot ofmus test, I believe. Yeah. I feel straight. Okay?

A lot of my interests, maybe not. Right. But if you're a kid out there who wants to know whether he's gay or straight, you go to Mateo Lane's Instagram. If you get a little pyoing, means you're gay. Now, I know I'm straight because there's nothing hotter than his Instagram. Yeah. I mean, it is fucking pewing on its own.

It's pewing. Yeah. So I go there and I look at Mateo and I appreciate it for artistic merit. So I know I'm a straight kid. I don't want to bang him out. I just want to fall asleep on his abs. Is that weird? It's weird.

It's what it is. Let me ask you this question. Would you rather have, say you're not married, would you rather have sex, sex with a woman who's got Mateo's body but a puss, or sex with, wait, sex with a woman who's got, yeah, Mateo's body but a puss. Mateo had a puss, yeah. Or Helly Ripa. You're basically saying if my wife had a piece, or if Mateo had a puss, I'm banging my wife with a piece. Yeah. Doesn't Mateo had a push. Right. I'm banging my wife with a piece. Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't bother me. Because we talked about it on the phone. We talked about it on the phone. We talked about it on the phone. We talked about it on the phone. We talked about it on the phone. Yanni posted some videos. You're fucking wild posting videos of your wife doing fucking squats on Instagram.

I mean, we got some sick puppy fans. I know. There's some sick puppies out there. And you're a sick fucking puppy. I'm a sick puppy. Because Mrs. Poppets, if you're listening right now, which I know you are, because you don't want to pay for the Patreon because you guys need a house and you just got one, so

you can't afford the Patreon right now. I get it. I feel like I'm in a pinball machine. Sorry, we go 100 bucks an hour. When Yanni comes in, it's just a different speed. Chris kicks it up another notch. We were having a great time talking about Judy Garland, but now it's time to get really gay. I don't think you can get much gayer.

Now that Yanni's here, my asshole opens up. So what I want to tell you, Takani, YAAAASSSSS! It's too loud. We got all the gay out except Mateo. I told him to keep it in. He can't get rid of it. So what I know for a fact,

Mrs. Pappas, if you're listening, is all that time you're going to the gym, all those protein shakes, how beautiful your body is and how you sculpt your body and i know you're doing it for your husband if it's not going to grow you a dick it doesn't matter so that's the problem yanni wants a woman with a penis yeah and it's what it is yeah yeah i want a custom-made woman for me yeah yeah yanni yannis y, Giannis is attracted to transsexuals. I'm a sapo sapien. Are you?

I don't know, but I know that Mark Ronson is. He's not afraid of a dick. You're very open in your sexuality. Mateo's not afraid. I'm sorry, Giannis is not afraid of a woman with a penis. That's no problem.

I'm attracted to female. Whatever appears feminine is what I'm attracted to. I'm not attracted to the masculine form. Well, I'm about a vagina. For me, it needs a push to have sex with it. But you will Google basketball players without their shirt on. That I do. Yeah. But that's more about

me. That's more about me. Waiting for your father to die. Yeah. Once his father dies, he says he can come out. Once his father dies, I'm going to get a phone call at 2 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. You're going to get a text and say, meet me at West Elm right now. I want to go peeing for some ottomans. Yeah.

That's what he's hanging out. Yeah. Here's the thing. Chris gets so much puss. Oh, it's ridiculous. Like you are ridiculous. No pun intended. Ridiculous.

Like you are ridiculous. I saw one that we're at the cellar and we're chatting away and I look over and it's like someone wrote it in a movie. Chris is sitting at a table in the middle of five beautiful women and it just looked like like you in like a chicken pen like they were all pining for your attention and you just were smiling like a kid on Christmas but I'm telling you that's a beautiful thing but enough if I could snap fingers and be watching a sunset in Tuscany with you I would do it having a great conversation yeah, I would do it. Having a great conversation.

I would rather get out of that situation and not when we go sleep at separate hotel rooms, but I'd rather have a conversation with you watching the sunset in Tuscany talking about life. That would get me more hoined up than those five girls. You're getting the same. You don't even get a separate hotel room when Sergio's on the road with you. Yeah, we're just going to get double beds

and we'll go head to toe. And there's nothing for you to talk about with Sergio. Yeah, Sergio can't even speak English. He gets beaten up too much. Yeah. But you're going to turn Magic Johnson gay. In other words, you're going to get so much push, you're going to come around the other side. Yeah. Because there's

nowhere else to go. I'm going to John Travolta it. Yeah, the universe is balanced. So you're going all the way to the other side. And then when you come around, it's the guy's ass. Yeah, like Magellan. I'm going to circumnavigate till I get back to guys. Back to guys. And it's just what it is. Now, let me get back to the reason side, and then when you come around, it's the guy's ass. Yeah, like Magellan. I'm going to circumnavigate until I get back to guys. Back to guys, and it's just what it is.

Now, let me get back to the reason why I love Mateo. There's many reasons, but what's number one? Okay, comedy's a trashy profession. Trash. Yeah, it's a real, it's a fucking...

Look around the table. There's three comedians sitting here right here, right? I'm not even, Mateo's more than a comedian. He's a specimen amongst others. Mateo's an entertainer. It's a different thing. Mateo's a comedian amongst other things. Mateo would be, Mateo's more than a comedian He's a specimen amongst others Mateo's an entertainer Mateo's a comedian amongst other things Mateo would be and should be famous

In any generation They should be The one I'm allowed to be out in You'll fucking get there once all this fucking shit stops And we get formal year Trump 2020 Once Joe Kimbooster's show fails It's you next I love Joe Kimbooster's show fails It's you next I love Joel Kim Booster

But he's not as hot as you I'm fucking saying that right now I mean for an eastern hemi he's a good looking kid But he's not as hot as you Yeah but I'm telling you cuz you'll get cracked open Way quicker He's got a perfect face, perfect hair, perfect body So do you

But he can't cook and dance like you Well I don't actually think Joel can cook, but he can dance better than I can. Yeah. Well, he's a good dancer. So I'll marry. I'll fucking bang him out. I'll marry you. Okay, we'll have a triple date. Yeah. You, me, and Joel. Absolutely. So comedy is kind of a trashy profession

that lets anyone in. Yeah. Kids who sit on the floor, whatever functioning mental illness you have, comedy will open its door for you if you got a little charisma, that's what it is. And nowadays you don't even need the charisma. You don't even need to be a funny kid. Right. You can get in.

It's for everybody. It's a real trashy stand up and he tell jokes to people. Trashy. Trashy. Mateo's doing it kind of like as one of his things. Yes. You know what I'm saying? If you go to his Instagram, he's like, you can see where he's performing and it's great.

And then he gets on stage. He'll tell a bunch of great jokes, and then he'll sing opera. Right. Because a kid knows how to sing opera. Right. Right? Then he'll lift up his shirt and show you a fucking 12-pack like a black teenager. Yeah.

Kid is cut like a black teenager wearing jeans and Timbos playing basketball on a Sunday. Yeah, no. Even though I can't do any of those things. I know. But you're cut like a black teenager. You're cut like a black teenager. Then he'll start talking Italian to you and pretend like he's from Italy when really he's from probably like Syracuse, New York. And he decided to learn Italian.

I was just in Syracuse. Just like he pretends his name's Matteo and it's Matthew. It's Matthew. Let's be honest. And his last name's not even late. I mean, the kid's name's fucking Matthew Cunningham. He's from Chicago, kid. My dad is Irish and my mom's Italian-Mexican.

But what's your actual real birth name? Oh, it's Matthew. I went by Matteo when my aunt Cindy gave it to me. Because I heard your name's Joey Simmons. What's your actual real birth name? It's Matthew. I went by Mateo when my Aunt Cindy gave it to me. I heard your name's Joey Simmons. Can you imagine? My name is Lauren. My Aunt Cindy, when Facebook came out, I was living

in Italy for five months because I was at a painting school. I came back and they had when Facebook was coming out, I remember that my Aunt Cindy said, don't use your legal name because your job, if you get a job, they look at pictures of you drinking and then you. Sure. Whatever.

Smart. So my cousin Kelly changed hers to like K something. And then I just put down Matteo because that's what I'm called in Italy. And then it just stuck ever since, since I was 18. Yeah. It's beautiful. So yeah. Yeah.

It's like my Lady Gaga. Right. Yeah. And he could speak Greek. No, I can't. I don't. Hi, how are you? Good. He's like my Lady Gaga. And he could speak Greek. No, I can't. I don't. Hi, how are you? Good.

He was ripping it with Greek. I know how to say Nick has one goat. If he wants to learn Greek, he'll learn Greek. He's just a superior human. Truly. He truly is. No, no, no. I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. The gifts that you have, it's not normal. I'm being serious. We've spoken about this. You're super human. Just put the chain in. I want to see if younis and I have spoken about this. You're like, you're super like human. Just put the chain in. I want to see if you feel, because he seems a little uncomfortable.

Just put the chain in. I've had a bad week all week, so this feels, I'm like uncomfortable. But what do you want? But what do you want? You can have chain out. You can have chain out

and I'm acting like a guido talking about cement and then I put chain in and then I get a little German. I have the chain out. Yeah, it's better. You're more emotional. Yeah.

Because chain in, I'm going to start talking about some ideas I have for some cleanups. Yeah. He's a German kid. Unfortunately. Yeah. Matteo's Italian. You guys teamed up once before and tried to take out me in Venetia and it didn't work. And it just didn't work.

It didn't work. Yeah. Especially Matteo's people that got beat back into Albania. World War II. Yeah. We're not very good at fighting. No. We're very good at cooking.

Yeah. And art. And fashion. Yeah. And cars. And singing. And history not very good at fighting. We're very good at cooking and art and fashion and cars and singing and history and language and everything. Everything. I mean, except like, you know, we have like seven hour lunches. That's where our economy is. You got a little problem with efficiency. Oh, we're never on time.

Yeah. How many times have you been to Italy? Probably like 15. True. Back and forth 15 times. I mean, and when you go like, do you just, you just know it now? Like it's like a second home to you. Well, I used to go to Sicily because we have family in Sicily and like family friends in Sicily. And so I would go to our

families from this tiny town called Montevago where like their only history is an earthquake that happened 60 years ago. And that's all they talk about. And they actually left the ruins. They just built a new town next to the ruins. so they bring you back to the ruins and be like, this is where they all died. And then my aunt wears like a brace that she doesn't even need on her leg, I think just so people bring up the earthquake. And so I go to Messina where we have family, friends, and kids my age, and we just go to the beach and hang out.

Have you ever been to Italy in like the winter months or fall? Yeah, I went to Italy. I've been there in November and December. I was rome and is it nice there at that time i actually kind of like it because in the summer i went in july this year and it's just like there's so many tourists i mean just so it's hordes and hordes of tourists just walking around ruining everything you don't get like quite you know rome it can be kind of like a calm city because what about me you and my daughter go to rome i would love it seriously i'm dead serious well it's like a calm city. Cuz, what about me and my daughter go to Rome? I would love it.

Seriously. I'm dead serious. We'll just take a gay couple that adopted Delilah. I go all the time. And one of my very good friends, Claudio, lives there. And he's like a judge in Rome. What's his name? Claudio.

Claudio. Yeah, I mean, he'll get cracked open on the fucking steps. Oh, you would love Claudio. He like has a little dog and smokes everywhere. It's very rare you hear a name that's hot. You don't even have to see the guy, Claudio. Yeah, my friend Claudio's come. I'm peeing already.

I was going to say, I got a little peeing. Yeah, I may have. Yeah, I had a dinner. Our lunch with this was so Italian. It's the opposite of America where I was in Rome with my friend Giovanni. We're all his friends from Rome and everyone was straight. But me and my friend Giovanni. And it's just so funny the way straight men behave there because we got lunch.

And here we'd be like, you guys want to order Thai food? Great. There it was like, we're having lunch. So then we went out to the store. We got all the appetizers. We got the pasta. We got, you know, oh, we're going to have this kind of sauce. They're all arguing over the food. We get home. They bring out the table. They put down the tablecloth. They get the fizzy wine or the fizzy water, the normal water, the wine. I'm cooking the pasta. Everyone rips their shirts off because it's hot. So we're all walking around the house. We get everything set up. We have our antipasti.

And then we wait. We have the pasta. Then we have dessert. Then everyone takes a nap. Then everybody wakes up. They make coffee. I'm like, this would never happen in America. But you guys were out.

That was a lunch break. It was just a normal lunch. But that's how life should be lived. They enjoy life. They enjoy the pleasurable things in life. They do. The Italians and Greeks, too. But Italians the most.

And Italians are number one. But in Europe, they usually, when you go to a restaurant, they say, would you like flat or with gas? Sometimes they say gas. So Germany is the exception. What does that mean, flat or with gas? With gas means with bubbles. Okay, fizzy water.

Yeah, because gas means something different to the Germans. Yeah, when they weren't Germans, I... I told them, I said, tell your whole country to change this. Yeah, when they weren't Germans, I, yeah. Weishan, she a lot of 14. I told them, I said, tell your whole country to change this. You can't say with gas. It's not, you can say it in Italy, you can say it in Greece, you can say it in, you know, Serbia. But when I go to Germany, I want

you to say seltzer or water. It's what it is. Yeah, the word gas has to be removed from your lexicon. Yeah, my daughter asked me today, yesterday on the plane, what nationality we were, and then we had to have a conversation. Yeah. Yeah, I had to explain to her that she's Puerto Rican.

She's definitely Puerto Rican. She's Puerto Rican. But then I started talking about Germany and what that means. Yeah. But did you grow up culturally Italian? He's German. I grew up,

I just grew up culturally white trash from fucking Ridgewood. That's what it is. I just grew up culturally an electrician. Fucking, yeah, shout out local three. He didn't meet a Jewish person until he was 23, no exaggeration. What? Swear to God. He's from New York?

No, but honestly, Mateo, now that I'm thinking about it, it's like because I went to Catholic school my whole life, but then uncovering my ancestry.com and finding out I'm majority German, I think my mother and the family at Sweet as Art were just keeping me from the Jews. How much German are you? Like, it's a ridiculous, it's overwhelming the majority of my DNA. He gets disgusted by certain people

who look a little ethnic. It's in there. It's in the DNA and everyone knows it. No, but I, no, but I, you can't change the Germans. No, I love all cultures and I love it, I love everybody. It's not true. Yeah. It's not true. It's just in there. You can't, look, you know, we live in a time where everyone wants to take away what, what nature is. He's a German kid. It's in their there You can't Look you know We live in a time Where everyone wants to Take away what What nature is

He's a German kid It's in their nature To want to spread Hallo Ich heiße Chris DiStefano Ich bin auf Berlin Und ja

Ich bin Ein Deutschlanger Even the language Sounds like he's up to something When you hear someone Talk like that You're like Ja das ist richtig

Wir haben ein Problem heute Und das ist musikalischen Montag And that's my German german teacher would always say that yeah how do you fucking know so many languages i took german in high school i took you know what's so funny is like he's got a different brain i do feel like i mean i have been so depressed this week trust so why i want to hear all about what's going on just trying you know what it is it's like we'll get into it later But I just feel like with stand-up, when I started stand-up, I was just singing on stage. And then slowly, I was like, I have to do jokes.

And now I go on stage and I truly feel like a comedian. But I still wonder if people give me that look of like, eh, he's just, I don't know. I get very worried about it because I'm like, comedy is so serious about comedy. But I wonder if, I don't know if it's a gay thing. Comedy is so serious about comedy. But I wonder if it's a gay thing. Sometimes I wonder if I get a little, like, he's doing that thing. That's what a true artist does.

If you're really an artist and have the soul of an artist, you always question yourself. It means you don't want to be a fraud. We always have that fraud thing. Yeah, I try to be the least fraud as possible. But I think, you know, I don't know. It's like paying your dues, and I feel like I've done a good job so far. Yeah, you just keep going, and you just keep ripping off your exoskeleton. The point is, like, your comedy, the comedy is you're an amazing comedian. Go see Patel in wherever he is.

You know what it is? I have to balance every night, like, okay, if I talk about being gay or I talk about dating, like, am I going to be the gay comic? Am I just a normal comic? Is this too gay? Is that too inside? What can I talk about? gay or i talk about dating like am i going to be the gay comic am i just a normal comic is this too gay is that too inside what can i talk about can i mention these things like if i go on the road and there's 300 gay men out there i can do five minutes on liza manelli when i'm at the cell every night i don't so there's like this weird balance and then when i'm here i'm trying to build material that's like maybe more universal and then and then sometimes i have like i'm writing this joke right now about how I think straight apps are gayer than gay apps

because gay apps are like, you know, at least it's honest like here's my dick, I'll see you in five and straight apps are like, what are your dreams? and it gets a laugh with straight people and it's not working with gay people now when I go on the road so I'm like this constant weird balance Yeah, but let's be honest, listen I've spent 40 minutes in here saying

I love and support the gays, but they don't make up a big percentage of society. So I would just fucking focus on the straights and the heteros. And I'm happy to have gay people because. No, but I'm saying for comedy wise. No, I'm just saying comedy wise. It's like just do your jokes. If the gays.

My point is, if a joke we're just talking about jokes. Right. If the gays don't get it, that's not as big of a problem as the straights not getting it. Well, for comedy, for laughter, for who's coming to to see you but sometimes i want to just talk about lies of an alley so just talk about fucking lies of an alley i'm a fucking straight kid i left my fucking balls off do what you want you know what is cool is like when i go on the road it is very cool to see gay men come out to see comedy because there's never really truly been an open game comic mainstream you know and i'm not saying that i am but like it's starting to happen. Me and Joel and

Solomon George, there's all these great gay comics that are starting to do it. And it's just very cool. Because we used to watch women like Joan Rivers and Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho. We were always, you know, we sort of saw ourselves through women. I was never a fan of stand-up as a kid because I just didn't get it. We have a relative

like, I would say a good percentage of our fans are gay men on History Hyenas. Well, I know you're a big gay following. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I saw Marisa when I was 21. I remember my friend Isam, who's from the East Coast and is Italian. He was like, oh, you know, we got to, you know, you got to watch this. And I was so blown away by it.

And then when I met you, it didn't even connect. Yeah. People don't know what to make with me. And that's their problem. Yeah. I mean, my daughter, my daughter, you know, that's their problem My daughter Her brain is still forming And she calls a man Giannis because she just doesn't understand I've experienced that With Marisa

I remember the first time we did Chicago Improv It was all Greeks and I didn't know And Marisa went out And it just bombed They didn't even know what was going on but she's also very that's very almost like we play like bronx yeah but like yeah so like it's a east coast like i told you chicago we don't have that doesn't exist and also the original gays but greeks are well you know the greeks yeah but they're all yeah it's ironic because greeks

you look at their history you hear it was very uh liberal sexually during a certain period in antiquity but they're they're some of the most closed-minded people when it comes to that really but they're all closeted gays well that's what it is closeted gays are yeah i went i went to this greek restaurant in la last week and there was this waiter who was greek and from greece and he was so hot i was like i if you were like eat my shit i, I'd be like, let's go. Yeah, put a little feta crumb on it and let's go. I mean, anything he asked, I would have done it. It was just so fucking hot.

But then Greeks, you have to like be Greek to date Greeks. I feel like Greeks are very specific about the way they date. For sure. Right. I mean, when Venetia first came in here, you know, Chris had the usual, like he was looking at lunch came in here, you know, Chris had the usual, like he was looking at lunch meat, like, you know,

I just had to explain to him, it's never going to happen. Yeah. Like, she could be even attracted to you, but she'd be more scared of the honor killing that her father would do on her than to be with a trash bag from Ridgewood. It's just not possible.

It's just what it is. And now that the chains happen, she gets a little off. She gets a little when she wants. Are you dating a Greek? No, I'm not. Okay. I'm actually dating a non-Greek right now she wants. Are you dating a Greek? No, I'm not. Okay. I'm actually dating a non-Greek right now.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to admit that on the radio? Yeah. I mean, my parents do know, but they're just like, okay, have your fun. You better end up with a Greek. Is it the kid that we saw when we were getting fucking balls? No, that was someone else.

Yeah. Yeah. Because that kid looked, yeah. Is the kid willing to convert to Greek Orthodox? Because I know that's a prerequisite. Is he a New York kid? Yeah, he is. Is that who you want to go see in Turkey? No, no, no. If he's a New York kid and to convert to Greek Orthodox? Because I know that's a prerequisite. Is he a New York kid? Yeah, he is. Is that who you want to go see in Turkey?

No, no, no. If he's a New York kid and I went to Turkey. I don't fucking know. He's a fucking New York kid. Mad dope. So you got a lot of hard work done on the road. We were following your adventures at the office. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just you and fucking bikini pigs drinking, getting drunk on the beach. It's just she was like, I got a lot of family work to do. And she's like, I'm going back to Greece. So she went back to Greece for like three weeks. I had to do my taxes. she was like, I got a lot of family work to do. Cause she's, she, and she's like, I'm going back to Greece. So she went back to Greece for like three weeks. I had to do my taxes. She's like, I got a lot of hard work. And we just followed her Instagram. And she's just like on the top of buildings

in Constantinople. I still call it Constantinople cause I'm a Greek. It's Istanbul. And she's like posing and then she's at the beach. So we were, she does a lot of hard work. She's on the one side till she dies. Yeah. UWS.

Now tell us about your week and why you're depressed what happened because you look you look upset did you get broken up with no

I was there when you got dumped by the Spanish boyfriend fine edit it out you're not the first one to ask for the cackles don't worry can you please

edit that out 1000% 1000% make a note of the cackles no no we won't it'll be funny that I sometimes I like to say something I know

will be edited out because now he can't help it his whole family's not talking to him because of things he said A thousand percent. Make a note of the cackles. No, no, we won't. It'll be funny that I, sometimes I like to say something I know will be edited out because now, now. He can't help it. Now we're back. His whole family's not talking to him because of things he said. And it'll just be, it'll just be hyena cackles. And then the fans don't know what we said.

Yeah, here we go. And we're back. There we go. But me and this band are talking. We're friends. Oh, you guys are back? I like that guy. I genuinely thought he was.

A lot worse to himself. Cackle that out again. Yeah, we'll cackle that out. Mike knows. Mike's just going to take from minute 54 to 56. Just cackle it all out. Here's what it is, Mateo. I've said our podcast is sort of like, if you ever watch football, you know how they keep getting a penalty.

The ump will keep putting it five yards back. That's where we are. I've seen the halftime shows. Okay, well, it's like a halftime show. By the way, nice win for the Giants. You know when one dancer is off and it makes all the other dancers off over and over again? There you go. That's what it is. I don't watch dance either.

And we're back. And we're back. Mateo! Why are you depressed? Why are you sad? I'm not depressed. It's not even worth me getting into. Are you sure? It's self saboteur where you're like, what am I doing? What's going on? That bullshit that every comedian goes through where we feel like it's like what's the next thing and nothing i'm

getting rejection and blah blah blah and so it's just like coming to terms with like what am i gonna do to survive essentially so that's that's pretty much it are you still upset about the hot wings i was so pissed off can we talk about that? And you know that it got so bad I started getting heartburn And it fucked up my voice That I had to get like a doctor to give me I mean that fucked me up That one bite Because I have really bad heartburn

And then I mean that fucked me up What happened? I'm so professional usually You were professional I just think you were upset No, no, I was pissed And I let them know

You told him I'm not okay right now Yeah And the director and producers Were afraid to talk to me Yeah, yeah I was pissed and I let them know. You told him I am not okay right now. Yeah. I remember that. And the director and producers were afraid to talk to me. Yeah. Yeah. What happened was we did a Tums commercial together. Oh, yeah.

And they. As actors. As actors. Right. So they really should have just like not given us because we're eating hot wings and we're supposed. That's the whole commercial. We're eating like these levels of heat.

And they could have said act like this, but they weren't. They were just no one knew what they were doing. Yes, they wanted a genuine reaction. Including the chefs. So they actually, but they went from level two to level three. The last wing was like from medium heat to like. 1.5 million on the hot wing scale. Yeah.

And you're supposed to sign a waiver. Because actually if I touched my eyes, I would have had to been hospitalized. Holy shit. So they didn't let us sign. They didn't tell us. They just thought they would surprise us and I'm being paid as an actor and I'm on set. I'm trying to be professional. I'm not a fucking fear factor. Oh, I threw

the biggest gay fit. I was fucking pissed and I'm still pissed. Yeah. I actually returned my waiver before. No, we didn pissed. Yeah. I actually returned my... Wait, we haven't signed a waiver before? No, we didn't. You're supposed to. Yeah. I actually returned my money because they said I already got paid watching Matteo throw a fit.

Because that's how much I enjoyed it. He was pissed. Furious. Yeah. And I'm very professional on set. But oh no. I was so pissed. And the director came up with his tail between his legs to be like, you know, we did say it was going to be kind of spicy. I said not that fucking spicy. I'm fucking pissed. And the director came up with his tail between his legs to be like, you know, we did say it was going to be kind of spicy. I said, not that fucking spicy. I'm fucking pissed. I mean, how is a goddamn

actor, how goddamn disrespectful. I mean, I was like pissed. I like what you're saying. Yeah, my favorite was I just remember you saying, I'm not okay right now. That kind of encapsulated what it was. But yeah, the heat was crazy. I started involuntary crying and coughing and then they were screaming, don't touch your eyes.

I mean, I was like, what is this? I was so humiliated. Yes. And what, did they fucking take care of it? Good. Yeah. I was pissed. Good.

Yeah. And Giannis was just sort of dealing with like a, he was like, he was like laughing, but upset. Because he's fucking dead inside, Giannis. Yeah. You have feelings, you know, I mean. I'm also probably more of a control freak than you are yeah so you're like let it you're like whatever maybe you could take maybe you could take more heat than you you can because i could not yeah

i well it i in your defense it was extremely hot it wasn't even like i couldn't even get one bite in i took one bite and i was like i'm done how could they do that to somebody and like expect it to go okay they wanted a natural reaction from us. Which they should have said, do you want to try this? If they gave us the option and we could at least prepare ourselves, it would have been maybe more fun. But to surprise us, come on. You hired me on as an actor.

This is not Joe Rogan's Fear Factor. Right, right, right. What are you eating? Oh, it's a testicle. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. It was ridiculous. I'm still mad about it now.

Look at my body language. Yeah, I know. That's what I was saying. I'm furious about it. Is that check clear, though, yet? We had a. Like, you know what I mean? Right, right, right. It was ridiculous. I'm still mad about it now. Look at my body language. Yeah, I know. That's what I was saying. I'm furious about it. Is that check clear, though, yet? We had a great day, too. Yeah. Chilling and chatting and talking.

Were you down by the water? No, we were in Williamsburg. Williamsburg. We had these great conversations about comedy and life. Yeah. And it was wonderful. You were tired, though, after that, right? Because when you get Yanni on a roll, it's fucking mentally exhausting.

No, I thought Yanni was great. He was like very chill. And we haven't ever had a chance to like sit and chat. It was very nice. So it was nice. Yeah. I liked Mateo the minute I met him. I really did. I'm not just saying that. That was nice of you. I like both of you the minute I met you. Yeah, you have a, you

seem like very reasonable and realistic and just down to earth and nice. Unless you give me hot sauce. Unless you get hot sauce. Also, Mateo's a good judge because, you know, obviously we live in a very PC world. Mateo, if Mateo thinks it's offensive, then it is offensive. Yeah. That's the thing.

I'm very rarely offended by it. Not to say that people can't be offended. That's what I'm saying. But I always forget, like, oh, yeah, like I'm also a comic. No, I compare you to Vanity in that way where it's like if you guys are both like in like younger like younger you know you're gay she's fucking woke and dope so it's like if you

guys say but they're also very much like but all of you are very it's not like you're not using this PC stuff to like further your career or anything like that you're like normal people that if you you're not hyper sensitive to it. So if it crosses the line and you guys say it does,

then I believe that it's apology worthy. Well, I, I don't, I don't, I mean, I don't know. I,

right now it's a very strange time. I even got shit. I got, you did. Oh my God. I stopped tweeting now because of it. What happened? We did a joke that we did a comedy central, um,

comedy central seller show you know and one of the topics was mike pence so i wrote a joke where because i was the only gay i thought you know okay well they're always talking about how mike pence wants to send us to prison so i said if the government came to my door and said we're going to take you to gay prison i'd say sign me up you want me on an island alone with gay men i'll come and i'll come yeah and i'll recreate every musical scene from chicago and you know just like a stupid, dumb joke, clearly being ironic and sarcastic, which I now call Twitter Amelia Bedelia

because they take everything so seriously. So then I never post my tweets because all these comics are doing it or like my jokes. And so I'm like, well, I'll try it. So I just tweeted it and I got the attention. I got 200,000 views in a day, which I thought, this is so cool. No wonder why people do it. Then

a huge blogger put out, good for him. That's his life. But he put out that I was dangerous and that I was supporting gay men going to prison and that I wasn't aware of Chechnya or Uganda and what's happening to gay men there. And then I started getting

thousands of tweets by being canceled. Mateo supports gay men going to prison. Mateo is the problem with America. Mateo is. And I thought, OK, I are we do we take sarcasm out of the lexicon? Like, can I not be sarcastic about this? But do you know what I think it is now?

Truly. And I hope that this changes. It's like there's Twitter. Which I hate. I'm off it. No, but it's almost like that's another realm. Okay? So like when Shane Gillis gets fired or these things happen to you, it's things happening in that realm that are affecting the real world. What's crazy is someone like Shane Gillis and myself, and I'm not going to comment on him, but it's like we're treated the same. Right.

And I believe we're two people coming from two wildly different stances of course it's a because treated the same because because it only exists really in that world because i'm sure you've never nobody in the actual flesh ever came up to you and had a problem with that tweet nobody and it was there's thousands of people around so you would think the odds are somebody will see you in the flesh that saw that and have, but nobody will because nobody truly cares. They only exist. It only exists in that realm. It doesn't exist in this one. I was trying to write

a joke about that. But you can get fired in this one. Right. Which is wild. Which is nuts. And two, I thought, you know, Twitter is the same as World of Warcraft. In World of Warcraft, when you open up that laptop, you are in a world. It exists. People are there. There's trolls, no pun intended. I mean, you know, there's like this whole world you're living in.

But the second the laptop closes, that world's gone. Sure. And you're back in the real world. And I liken Twitter to that. I think when you open up Twitter, then suddenly you're in the Twitter world. And then when you close it, you're back in the real world. I've not met. I don't think.

And you and I even talked about things that you and I disagreed on. It was a pleasant, normal conversation. I think generally speaking in the real world, we, those are the types of conversations that you're having. It's okay to disagree with people. It's fine. Well, that's what it comes down to. People, people, you know, everyone's a child now. Nobody, we don't have to grow up. Grown up means you have to sacrifice, uncomfortable nobody wants to do that anymore live for another generation nobody's doing that nobody's so everyone's living for themselves so it's like nobody's growing up well and a grown-up knows you can have an a talk with someone right and and you can disagree with them like you disagree with people in your own family you don't cancel your dad yeah half of these white women who are screaming about yeah have these white women screaming about stuff like their mothers voted for trump and close to 50 of

the white women in this country voted for trump you're gonna cancel your own mother so it's like you expect a complete stranger to agree with everything you say i also think it's a type of narcissism to expect that someone you don't know who is an artist is supposed to bend their thinking so you're comfortable. That's a good way to put it too. And I liken it to like, that's why you don't comment on anything they say. No,

I don't. You take the power right away from them. And I also think it's like going to a museum and yelling at a painting. It's like the painter is art is meant to provoke. My art is meant to not be agreed with art is meant to challenge your thoughts. And so like Dave Chappelle special, I don't agree with everything dave chappelle said but what was great about it was that it created a conversation and

got people talking again and that's what art is meant to do if everything largely the conversations are things about identity politics and and racism and sexual assault those are big topics you're talking about it's wild to think that we don't want comedians to comment on. It's wild that you want to cancel that. It's wild that we're valuing saying the correct thing over the honest thing. But it's like, do you want Shane Gillis to pretend that he didn't grow up where he grew up or Mateo to pretend like he's not a gay man?

Or that's the thing too, is I got attacked by gays and then straight people also. So I had nowhere to go. Well, it's like look at when Andrew – I know you don't want to talk about – you don't have to say anything about it. But even like with Shane, when Andrew Yang tweeted, hey, I'd like to sit down. He's a young man. I'd like to sit down and correct his thinking. Andrew Yang got so much hate tweet.

How could you be supporting him? It's like so one guy – the guy is trying to make the world better better but the outrage culture doesn't want that because they only have jobs if people are mad do you understand that the other that's true other countries absolutely the other advanced countries in a lot of way i think they suffer from some of the same things but there's a lot of people also it's kind of getting embarrassing sure that i know it's like a comedian like a presidential candidate is tweeting he wants to sit down with a comedian. It's brutal to talk about. I mean, what the fuck is going on?

Like the president is fucking tweeting like typos and is hilarious and a douche. And that's another thing. People saying Shane's a douche. I don't know him. Maybe he is. You know, you know who can be very hilarious? Douches. Yeah.

I know a lot of fucking assholes. Yeah. Who are very hilarious? Douches. Yeah. I know a lot of fucking assholes who are very hilarious. You don't have to like a kid or what he says or agree with it to fucking think he's funny or not funny. They say Chevy Chase is the biggest dick you could ever meet in your life. Everybody loves his fucking movies. What if Shane Gillis donates to the homeless, but he says those things

on a podcast? It doesn't matter. We live in a great world. To establish a difference, I can't actually comment on Shane's act. I've never seen it, so I won't. What I heard on the podcast, I didn't particularly like. I'm not furious over it, but was it a strange pick for him at SNL? All of it seemed very odd. But I just think we've come to a time now where we have to sort of pick and choose where we're going to where the outrage is

going to go you know comedians generally speaking uh are supposed to take everyone who is up in the air floating around and whip them right back down to earth and we're supposed to be in the center of everything bad and good point it out and say you're all idiots that's what comedy is supposed to do we're supposed to have a sense of humor about ourselves in some regards and i think we've gotten to a point now where like you know everyone brings up this example and i was listening to mark norman on joe rogan he brought up a great example where it was like we will watch we will buy books of murderers we will watch movies of murder rain ackman's we will watch people we will upset we will wait in line to see murder we have tv shows about murderers and we can't even make jokes about

things that aren't real so it's just it we've come to a very strange strange place and it's like you know i i've gotten to a point now it's like if i can't i'm gay and i can't even make jokes about being gay sure what are we doing like because their side comes from they're all they're all one side it's like you're you and shane's thing they're two very different things but their mission is the same it's like i want to get somebody canceled so i get the and sometimes it's just sometimes it's justified sometimes to cancel people whatever that means there is justification sometimes like look we can protect comedians or say comedians

can say what they want it doesn't mean that we have to say we don't have to play the same as the cancel culture and say shane did everything fine because there's also an in between you can say well that wasn't particularly nice. Right. Unfortunately, that side doesn't do that. So we're all just too extreme. Yeah, it's like, I didn't think what he said was funny, and you shouldn't say a word like that,

but I also don't think the kid should have lost his job. I just don't know why it's national news, which is embarrassing to me. Right. That's the point. Yeah, comedians, look, you can't have tightrope walkers. We're essentially tightrope walkers without nets. You're going to make bad jokes.

Yeah. In order to make good jokes, you got to make bad jokes. Losing in our field means offending or making bad jokes. But look, you're offended. Be a grown up. That's what I'm saying. Everyone's a child. It's like life is going to throw a lot worse at you than Shane Gillis trying to get attention. Well, the problem is two things.

Why is it news? Everyone is this. Brian Leibowitz brought this up. Everyone is this, looking at their phone. That's it. The problem is two things. Why is it news? Everyone is this. Fran Lebowitz brought this up. Everyone is this looking at their phone. That's it. They just stared at it. So wherever you are, you could be on the Great Wall of China. If you're looking at your phone, that's where you are.

And so because we're so into our phones, that's the world we live in. And Fran Lebowitz brought up a great point. She's like, the only place I'm she's like, I'm shocked that being offended and language control is a leftist position. She said, the only place that I am not offended is in my apartment because I picked everything in that apartment. Outside of that apartment, I am prepared to be offended because it is the real world. And if you're offended, then go out and say something more offensive

than them. That's how we move on in life. And it's true. It's like there's certain times that you're, look, I've been, it's a million stand-up shows and gays are the butt of the jokes. And do I like it? No. But do I think that they actually hate gay people? I mean, I think, you know, the audience will decide.

I hear audiences not laughing at the word faggot now. So the audience is telling that person, you have to change this joke. Right, right. You know what I'm saying? And to me, too, it's like, what's the point of saying certain words? Are you saying it because it fits with the joke? There's actual meaning behind it. Or are you trying to be risque?

Right. You're just trying to be risque and get away with it. I think you've lost the trust of the public. Well, and a good comedian wouldn't do that. A good comedian is all like, you know, be smarter than that. You know, right. Don't make your punchline that unless it's some unbelievably crafted joke about that. Right.

Like the story you told about the two gays and this guy. I don't hear anything offensive in that because you're just telling your point of view. Right. Like the story you told about the two gays and this guy. I don't hear anything offensive in that because you're just telling your point of view. Right. You're not coming at it with like a specific angle being like, oh, you know, I want to say that I want. How do I get away with it? With saying AIDS or a faggot or whatever. Yeah. I'm just repeating what they said. You're just repeating a story that happened. Yeah. So I don't know.

I think I hope that we come to a place where we sort of like take chill out and realize that our phones aren't as real as we think they are and come back to life because we do the interesting is we're at comedy clubs every night in front of real people 300 people a night night after night after night after night and we're not getting the same type of response that we're getting on Twitter so there's some gap try I encourage

you Colin Quinn did this and and he told me about it when he went to Italy I can do you yeah it was fucking yeah me about it. When he went to Italy. He fucking knew you. Yeah, he went to fucking Italy. I heard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went to Italy. I'm going to fuck it down.

Fuck it down. He went to Italy, and he was like, they just both made a choice, him and his wife, to not document any of it on Instagram. Right. None of it. Just none of it. Well, that's because he's 70, and he doesn't know how to work the buttons. No, but he was like, he would be surprised how much more stuff we saw. Like we saw naturally.

Like he said, they saw like this bird like soaring and it landed on some fucking steps. I don't know what he said. It's hard to understand. He mumbles. And he was like, you know, all the people missed the bird because they had to put their phone down. But where? But he was like, me and my wife saw it. Yeah, cuz.

But you know what? Me and you were a couple of millennial kids where you are at least. Yeah. And if you think we're not going to the French Alps or the Italian Alps and we're not taking a selfie with the sunset, you got another thing coming. Got another thing coming. Well, it reminds me of Miss Coco Peru,

the drag queen I was talking about, when she plays Grand Theft Auto. She's literally playing and she's like, she sees someone texting in Grand Theft Auto. She's like, you're texting. Have you seen the view, darling? She's texting. That's the problem.

These kids don't have a attention span these days. And then she starts beating the shit out of her. She's like, that's what I want to do. I want to walk around and beat the shit out of people texting. That's the problem. These kids don't have a attention span these days. And then she starts beating the shit out of it. She's like, that's what I want to do. I want to walk around and beat the shit out of people texting. Yeah. Go to Coco Peru Grand Theft Auto on YouTube and you will lose your mind. Coco Peru Grand Theft Auto.

This is a man? Yeah, it's Miss Coco Peru. She's super. It looks like, she looks I can't even tell it's a man. Famous drag queen. Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny. Those drag shows, a lot of those drag queens are very funny, right? If you fast forward to just a minute, you'll see. And you know how usually they like kill right away? Yeah.

She just walks around the house. Yeah. It's hysterical. Her commenting is hysterical. That thing blinking, it's bothering me. I wish it would stop blinking. What am I doing now? Oh, that is a cold box of pizza.

Oh, and they have an electric tea kettle. I own an electric tea kettle that I bought at Costco. One of the best buys I ever got at Costco. I don't have time for gas tea kettle anymore. You know? Do I hear flies? That pizza's been out a long time. Ooh, look, juice.

I bought a nice juice at Rant Macy's. Look at that. Come on, honey. Drink it down. This is Grand Theft Auto. A little too much ginger, honey. Less ginger next time. Let's get out. Another gorgeous day here in Los Angeles. Look at that. Oh, okay. Don't walk into the pool, sweetheart. This, my darlings, is why I live in Los Angeles. Take it in. I'll stand here all day and enjoy this view. I'm rich. Look at my house. Oh, I'm running.

Why am I running? I need to get out of here. I need a car. There's my car. I like a nice sedan and drive this car. There we go, here we go. Okay, I guess I'm not going. I'm getting out of the car.

There, I'm getting back in the car. Oh, oh. She doesn't kill anybody in the show. She eventually does start killing people. But it's like, yeah. But it's like a why. And then she makes a great point where she crashes the car. She's like, I'll go get another one.

She opens the garage. It's empty. She goes, I'm this rich, and I only have one four-door sedan. Now, you're an amazing artist as well. Gracias. And I put all my artwork up on Instagram. And your butt. And my butt.

Which is also your artwork. It is. Your body is kind of a piece of art. No, that's what I'm saying. If you want to go to at Matteo on Instagram, you're just going to see what a talented fucking brain looks like. Matteo actually said something that gave me chills a little bit when we were talking.

What did he say? It was just, you know, the people I like the most are just individuals, are just uncompromisingly themselves. Yeah. And Mateo was telling me about somebody, a gay fan who had told him that they were a little disappointed that his Instagram was looking like a gay stereotype or something like that, right? Right. And what you said back to that person was so it gave me chills a little bit i said yeah mateo's mateo's a real guy what did he say because i break up the world into fake guys and real guys well he just and look i do i i love being naked and i go

to the gym and i should be able to celebrate that but i also put up my artwork and i have other things to show for it so you know but i i was you know put up these pictures and this guy messaged me this gay guy and and he obviously is right in his own opinion. But he said it's so sad that there's so few gay comics. And the one that we, you know, I feel like that we have is like such a stereotype. And you're using your body and you're just, you know, you're everything that gay people, you know. And I just wrote back and I said, well, start going to open mics and become the gay comic you want to see. Yeah.

But I just want to be myself. Yeah. My whole life I'm being told by straight people how to live you want to see. Yeah. But I just want to be myself. It's like, my whole life I'm being told by straight people how to live. Mateo's the comic he wants to be. Exactly. My entire life I'm being told by straight people, you have to look a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way. Then I come out. Now I have gay people telling

me the same thing? Fuck off. I'm just gonna live my life how I want to live. You be who you fucking are. And if I'm a stereotype, yeah, I take it in the ass and I love Streisand. Yeah! Jameses! yeah now when you said you came out of the closet now and we got to wrap it up soon because we're going a little long we're having a good time because because i gotta fucking go i gotta leave soon and we need to get pizza i gotta go to the gym and yeah mateo's got to go to the gym mateo he's been out all day yeah are you getting pizza well you're gonna come i don't know yeah i'll eat it right off your chest.

Can I ask you one? Joe's, I guess. Right, Joe. Sure. Joe's. You know how like they change Psylocke. By the way, if you slide right, you can see how I drew it. It's unbelievable.

It shows my process. Yeah. This is this. This is. And I was going to say, when you were in the closet, that closet didn't have any doors. Right. Because, I mean, you are an you're a gay guy. No doubt about it, 100%.

D1G. D1G, day one gay. Day one gay. Wait, Mike has a comic book question. Do you like Dick Smith? What's going on? Because they have that character Psylocke, who was a white woman who became Asian for some reason. Yeah, there's two versions

of that. Mike spends a lot of time in basements. And now they changed it, so it's an Asian woman and a white woman and some asian people are mad that they're whitewashing her i don't know i can't i'm not asian i can't speak on that anger but i mean sure i'm sure they're justified in some way i'd be mad if storm was not black anymore it'd be like wait what but what if she was a white woman she gotta sell tickets yeah yeah yeah that's the thing people don't understand it's like what do you mean sell tickets wait for Storm oh we're talking about movies

yeah yeah well I mean just the comic books I understand oh the comic books I'm sorry it's a weird issue I don't give a fuck about that shit

with movies with actors and actresses you know when they're like oh that's not there are nobody cares when a white guy is not fucking Romanian but plays a Romanian

nobody cares about white guys doing anything I get it we're done but it's also like I remember like not that we don't care about you

I'm just saying like it's like I remember we're done but it's also like i remember like it's not that we don't care about you we're just saying like if it's just it's like it's like there was i remember there was this movie it was called like exodus and kings or something and it was about moses and christian bale played moses and people were outraged they're like how could a white man be playing a middle eastern man moses wasn't real what most wasn't real and it's also like if he was real it's like guy the people who are producing the movie or putting the money up are probably middle eastern themselves and they're like christian bale's gonna sell some tickets we don't have a middle eastern actor that's gonna sell tickets like christian bale so we gotta just make christian bale a little sandy and get him on that fucking screen all right

yeah well also like and whenever you say god you might want to take the train out yeah god yeah it's just a character A lot of 14. A lot of 14. Way Song Xien. A lot of 14. Way Song Xien. Way Song Xien. Way Song Xien's music painting. And whenever you say guy, you might want to take the train out. Yeah, guy. Yeah, you know, it's just a character piece.

Is that what you said to the guy who was telling you about a Hollywood production? You said, listen, guy. I said, guy, listen. Because, yeah. Yeah, the guy's going to fuck, yeah. Yeah, I mean.

Yeah, just put some fucking hummus on his fucking hole and get him out there. Here's the thing. I don't care. Way Song Xien. Yeah, they told me. What does that mean?

What do you mean? What is that way sean sheen anytime i say something wild it washes away washes it away like letting the people know that what i just said was clearly a joke and i'm just kidding around yeah and then and then latter 14 is a character piece very similar it's a character piece it's almost like what i just said was me but it wasn't me it's my alter ego. It's just a way for our fans to not get offended or not have any. I don't feel like people listening to you guys would get offended by much. No.

No, they don't. Not any doubt. They don't have any doubt. It's no doubt that we're joking. If we say Wei Shanqian on the line of 14, it's no doubt about it we were joking. Okay. If we would have, go back to Shane, if we would have said what he said, we would have said Wei Shanxian right after. We still would have got fired.

But at least most people would be like, no, they're joking. They said the Wei Shanxian. You would be very surprised how diverse our fan base is. It's actually pretty crazy. Yeah. It's like the Howard Stern show. He always has like the most diverse audience. No, it's so culturally.

I mean, we get genuinely like, I mean, gay, straight, black, white, women, men, young kids, older people. It's really pretty wild. Which is, it's positive. Yeah. And it's small now, but it's getting close. Yeah. We're getting close to that apex. And we have to have you two on Emma's podcast.

100%. I'd love, and I love Emma Willman. Yeah, I love fucking Emma Willman. I think you two are my two favorite gays. Thanks. Yeah. What about Timmy Dillon? Huh?

Oh, I love Timmy Dillon. But, you know, he's not a kid that I could fucking prance around with. I mean, he's a kid who acts like Tony Soprano too much. Tim is so. He's a keto kid. So funny. Because we got to wrap it up. I love Tim Dillon.

Yeah, I was just. Words I've never heard. Yeah. Let Mateo plug what he needs to plug. I don't know. I'll be in London at the Soho Theater in October. Yeah, also going to museums and just doing classy shit. And I don't know. I'm here in New York

for a minute, so for the next two weeks. And Matteo Lane everywhere, right? At Matteo Lane. Matteo Lane is just an unbelievably talented guy, very funny comedian, unbelievable impressionist artist. He can cook at your fucking kitchen.

He came over and did it for me. He's a beautiful man. He can sing at your fucking kitchen. He came over and did it for me. He's a beautiful man. He can sing. He's just, he's a renaissance artist, a renaissance comedian. Yeah. Yeah. He's almost like they should build a comedy club for Mateo where it's just a little nicer. It's called Stonewall.

Yeah. No, I'm talking about duplex. I'm talking about something classy where like things look artistic. There's some sculptures around. And a lot of comedians aren't allowed in there. Like Chris is not. If he's got to put his chain, there's a dress code. Yeah, I'm allowed in there.

I work the door. Yeah, I could put up the sheetrock. No, you don't even know how to do that. Yeah, I don't know how to do that. But I just look like a guy who knows how to do that. You'll just be eye candy for the gay men because you're a fucking piece. It's just what it is. I'll just sit there with my hole open.

Chris would clean up. Chris would do very well in a gay bar. He would. Thank you. I appreciate that. He has a secret life that we don't know about.'s just what it is. I'll just sit there with my hole open. Chris would clean up. Chris would do very well in a gay bar. He would. Thank you. I appreciate that. He has a secret life that we don't know about. It's what it is. We're going to find out about it. It's what it is. He's too curious. The guy, he has banged the guy in Houston. You had sex with a guy? No.

He blew him. Yeah, he did. Wait, what happened? Yeah, a guy in Houston. Guy in Houston. Just fucking spun the wheel, got a fucking beach. Wait, wait, wait, wait Wait wait wait No for real What happened He was a sphinx cat Kid had no hair We're joking around

I did get skull fucked By two brothers When I was 12 Yeah but that was A sexual assault That's not a gay experience What happened I was taking a shit

On the toilet In what 1996 They put him in a giant football And his mom high heels And pushed him down the stairs Pushed me down the stairs One of the McClarny brothers Sat on my lap

And the other one got up While I was shitting So I couldn't move and the other one got up while I was shitting so I couldn't move. And the other one got up on the sink and fucking skull fucked me for two or three pumps. I blacked out. Fuck. I'm sorry. How old were they?

It happens. 12, 13. I just went to one of their weddings. Did you really? Yeah. Yeah. He grew up in a rough... We could just black things out.

We could just black things out. That's what you call sexual assault. That's prison discipline. We just keep moving on, just like I remember the one time... But they were good friends. Father Bill told me to get him, when I was an altar boy,

told me to go get him a larger size robe, and it was in the attic upstairs, and I just remember going up the three steps, and I don't remember much after that. Blacked out. Oh, no, I'm sorry. What are you going to do, cuz? We all got fucking obstacles.

You just got to find a way to get over it. Yeah, I mean, there's a reason why he has anxiety, and there's an anxiety quote on his arm It's cause the kid got molested a few times It's what it is Listen we gotta wrap it up Go to christycomedy.com Yannis Pappas

Is it yannispappas.fishnets? No What is it? Yannifishnets.com Go to yannifishnets.com Go to Mateo Lane What's your website? Mateolanecomedy.com MateolishNets.com Go to YachtyFishNets.com Go to Mateo Lane What's your website? MateoLaneComedy.com

MateoLaneComedy.com Follow him on Instagram At Mateo Lane Listen to his podcast With Emma Willman What's that podcast called again? Inside the Closet Inside the Closet

Two hilarious Hilarious comedians And D1Gs And we love them to death And thank you for doing this man Thanks for having me We put you through An experience here You guys are great I really enjoy this me. I know we put you through an experience here.

You guys are great. I really enjoy this show and I enjoy both of you. Thank you. Make sure you go to historyainas.com, follow Chris and Giannis' dates on there and follow us on Instagram at historyainas. Make sure you leave a comment and review on iTunes and YouTube. All right.

Also patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. Yeah, and welcome back, man. It's here. Yes. Have a good day. All right. Also, patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. Yeah. And welcome back, man. It's here. Yes. Have a good day. Takani. Thank you. Bye.