History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 129 - Jessica Kirson is WILD!

Episode Date: March 15, 2020

Cuzzies, never have we had a guest that was as WILD as Jessica Kirson (Comedy Central, Relatively Sane Podcast) From the Coronavirus, to raising kids, to just straight no caring what the world thinks, this one is a 10 out of 10 not to be missed!  Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

What's up, cuzzy wuzzies? You're listening to the Bay Ridge Boys, History Hyenas. Bad. What's up, everybody? Before we get started, me and Chris got some dates we want to tell you about. Go to yannispappascomedy.com. Coming up right now, I'm going to be in Springfield, Massachusetts on March 20th and 21st. Then I'll be in Boston.

I'll be in Tampa. I'll be in Connecticut. I'll be in Edmonton. And just go to my website. And then we have, of course, History Hyenas live March 19th, Gramercy Theater. There's only a few tickets left for the second show. First show's completely sold out. And then, of course, Chrissy, we got a second show. We're hitting Connecticut. Yeah, we got a Wall Street Theater, Norwalk,

Connecticut, April 29th shows on a Wednesday not even coronavirus can fucking stop us and then I got my live dates christycomedy.com Vancouver Boston Newark New Jersey Indianapolis Philadelphia Providence just come and then uh Aladdin Theater and Neptune Theater in October in Seattle and Portland uh late October if we're all still alive. So check us out. What's up, everybody? Our numbers have quadrupled this week because everybody's at home listening to podcasts because you got to stay off the streets. We have a very special guest today. Of course, it's me, Giannis Pappas, Gianni Longdays.

I'm sitting across from Clarice Chrissy. Yeah. Chrissy Clarice. Chrissy Peacock. We have a very special guest today. Comedian. One of the funniest comedians to ever do comedy, in my humble opinion. One of the funniest comedians doing comedy now.

We were going to talk about the women's suffrage movement that was the historical topic we were going with but we realized when she came in here that we really owe it to you guys that she happens to be a coronavirus expert expert in in diseases the spreading of infectious diseases so since coronavirus has now become an epidemic uh it's just a coincidence that jessica kearson's here and we're going to push aside women's suffrage and we're going to talk about coronavirus and what you guys can do to prevent it how it starts what the history of the disease is so everybody welcome jessica kearson hi jessica thank you so much for having me thank you jessica now we that's mike and we have a mic for your pussy too yeah if

you need that as well it's inside okay yeah just want to make sure you know no it's yeah it's i don't know where it is but it's somewhere inside now we understand that you um have sex uh with women yeah i mean i don't have sex anymore but yes for years i've had sex now i live in i live in bay ridge which is a it's funny how when you're a when you're a lesbian or a straight guy and you get in a relationship you both end up having the same sexuality i'm a straight man it's just asexual yeah now i live i live in bay ridge i live in bay ridge brooklyn which is very old school conservative neighborhood and what they've been saying now about the coronavirus and i want to know is the chinese did it right is that is that the chinese did it which is something we knew is that is that um much like how in the 80s when AIDS came out,

they said it's only for the gays. Is coronavirus just for the gays? No. Well, coronavirus was started by the Asians to kill the Jews. Got it. Got it. Right. So a lot of people don't know that.

I actually have a recording from a friend of mine in China. Oh. Do you guys know this? That's why we wanted to have you on. She explains the whole thing. We're not supposed to know this. Hold on. Let me just get it together. She's getting her phone out. Hold on. I have to get it.

Jessica Kirsten, if you didn't know, she studied for many years at the NYU Disease Center of Viruses and Bacteria and Things That Kill You center of viruses and bacteria and things that kill you. It's a school of things that kill you. So she's got her recording and plus I'm a Jew. So I have a family as doctors responsible for the death. Yeah. And my feet are dirty.

So I'm Chinese. Yeah. Right. Are they bound? Yes. Okay. Hold on. Here we go.

Wait, don't talk while she's talking. Okay. It's a little hard to understand. Yeah. Okay. Hold on. Here we go. Wait. Don't talk while she's talking. Okay. It's a little hard to understand. Yeah. Okay. Coronavirus start in small village in China. Chinese people start coronavirus to kill Jew.

Jew kill Jesus. Jew are the worst people on earth. I don't want Jew in world. So we killed Jew and we killed them and we killed them. We killed all the Jews because the Jews are liars. That's the end of the report. Was that? No delay on the long distance or anything. No.

That was a phone call? I thought that was Ronny Chieng's Netflix special. No. No. That was a voicemail from Margaret Cho. Because at first it came out like this, but then I asked her to do it in English

because I don't speak Asian. Right. You know what I'm saying? I don't speak Oriental. So I had her, and this is the original. Like, tell me, because to be honest, I know you speak. I speak Chinese. Right.

So tell me if you understand this, because she talks very fast. Right. Chinese. Right. So tell me if you understand this, because she talks very fast. Right. What do you want to know? Who do you want to know about the Corona? Who do you want to know about the virus? Yeah.

Yeah, I got all of that, actually. Yeah. What did she say? She said we're in direct competition with America right now for markets. And since we've opened up our economy to capitalism, we need to decrease your population. And Yao Ming's the best basketball player to ever live. And then she said, fuck the Jews, we're going to kill

them all. Right. But didn't she say something about dumplings? She did. Yeah, she said the disease will be in dumplings on Christmas to kill the Jews. Oh, right. I thought I heard Christmas, too. Yeah, because the Jews that's probably their plan, I think, is to kill Jews through Chinese

food on Christmas. Yeah, because it's my mom's birthday too, so it's perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. A lot of people want to know. So I'm glad we had you. I mean, it's just nice that, you know, we can get this information out to the people so they can be aware. So how can

people protect themselves from the coronavirus? And also Jews, if you want to just let people know how you can generally stay away from jews if they're on your windows or what right so if people think that they're going to get it like if it's airborne or whatever no you like the only way you can really get it is if you're getting pounded anally which most jews are into right so that's why they kind of knew like if we have it spread through anal right jew to jew or chinese to jew so if it's pretty much a jewish disease or pretty coronavirus yeah do should we not be eating pastrami um i think you can eat pastrami but i don't think that it's so funny you ask that. I don't I don't think that you should have a cleaning lady.

And I don't think that. Listen, it's really it's really. You shouldn't make eye contact with Puerto Rican people is what you're trying to say. If you don't want to if you want to keep yourself safe from this disease, is it an eye contact thing? Well, really, the people you don't, you don't want to have eye contact with black people because black people, you know, some are on, some like Jews, some don't.

Black people and Jews haven't really come together, which is weird because we both had a lot of loss and we both love chicken. So you'd think that we'd come together more, but it hasn't happened. Right, okay. So Jews do love chicken, right? Yeah, Jews love chicken right so you think that we'd come together more but it hasn't happened right okay so jews do love chicken right yeah jews love chicken yeah um so yeah so i think that i don't think you should have eye contact with anyone except for other white people the two of you i and i'm not i'm a jew so i could or could not have the virus right now okay so um so basically people from connect Connecticut are safe from

this virus. Yeah, people from a lot of states, North Dakota, anywhere where there's no Jew, North Dakota, South Dakota. Or just generally people who don't acknowledge the existence of those people, like people in Connecticut usually, like wasps. They just kind of like they don't acknowledge the existence.

They don't even look at you. So that's kind of a way. That's a nice. That's a of a... That's a good thing now? That's a great thing. Upstate New York, Pennsylvania. There's a lot of places where they don't... Well, yeah. I mean, listen. They're not going to get the coronavirus.

No. It started in the camps. I don't know if you knew that. Really? Not the summer camps in the Borscht Belt. Right, a different type of camp. Yeah, the camps where people were duped right right and had a weird strike pajamas that was one that they didn't

want to go to that was their parents said you got to go to that camp and they cried and said no i don't want to go away and then they're on a train and then it's like oh my god why am i sharing with all these people i feel bad about my body and then you know what's this ditch for like there was just so many questions during the time and um it wasn't a fun summer like where dirty dancing happened no no no no um yeah so and why are they taking my teeth what what's happening that's not a good summer when you somebody takes your teeth no unless they're rotten right like you have a special coming out i um i had a special come coming out uh called i'm a kike and the virus is my fault way jones but i didn't name it that yeah because it's too vanilla like everyone's so politically correct right well you have to be careful with words yeah i think it's close vanilla. Because Bill Burr was on it. Well, you have to be careful with words.

I think it's close to a few other people's titles, too. You want a little more originality. Right. So I change it to I'm a dyke. Right. It's the same kayak dyke. It's the same kind of thing. I never realized I'm a kayak and a dyke. That's so interesting. I just realized that on this podcast.

Well, that's good. Yeah, I think that's a catchy name. I love Yeah. Well, that's good. Yeah. I think that's a catchy name. I love it. I'm a, I think that's a good, I think that's a good catchy name. Yeah. I would check out that special.

100%. Yeah. You would check out. I'm a dyke. Absolutely. Well, I don't know. I mean,

because like, you know, Danielle, my wife, like we're more, we're not like dykes. Like, I mean,

I'm, I, we had kids to create dykes. Cause that's what gay people do. They have kids. That's how that works. Yeah. Cause when,

when people say that, like the religious, right. It's true. The only reason why gay people have kids is to create dykes because that's what gay people do. They have kids. That's how that works. Yeah. Because when, when people say that, like the religious right, it's true. The only reason why gay people have kids is to create more gay people. Right. So you think your kids are going to be gay? I want them to be dykes like, give me milk mama.

Like not like us. We want them to be like builders or fucking, you know, build a car or whatever. So we want them to picket and march a lot and we name them all hillary so um is this this might be the most educational podcast we've ever done usually we do comedy first but this one is all information i like that people can use right that's what i like about this yeah i mean i don't know someone said to me like doesn't matter if you wear a mask

or gloves so i want to put that out to people. Someone told me to wear a strap on. So that's what I've been wearing for the past three days. I have a huge strap on. Yeah, the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. An enormous black with one testicle strap on. That's really how you keep the virus away.

Strap on. Yeah. Yeah. You just fuck it. You just fuck the virus away. Yeah. Anytime you see the virus in the air, just walk around thrusting in the air.

Yeah, that's what I do. I thrust into the air and people are looking at me weird. And I'm like, at least I'm out. I'm out. Yeah, I'm out. I don't have it. You know, is that because the virus just is homophobic, doesn't like dicks.

It doesn't want to be touched by a dick. Well, I definitely think the virus is homophobic for sure. Yeah. Again, it started during the holocaust and gay people were killed then too i mean it all if you really think about it it's all everything makes sense right well that's the science on it for sure yeah i mean i'm i i started like fucking other things too like doorknobs and i just i'm going a little crazy with the strap on so i have to kind of yeah Yeah. You got it.

You know, that was... I don't know if everyone knew that Chris... Oh, yeah. That's another guest. They're so weak. They sound like they're under water. Yeah, I know. They're wet and trapped. The way it just came out, it hit the back of my balls. The back of my nuts.

It was like a little ripple on the back of my testicles. It hit the back of my balls. The back of my nuts I just went shh. Yeah. It was like a little ripple on the back of my testicles. Like the word hit the back of my nuts. Yeah. It was very strange. The wind from the ball? From my asshole. I also think I have a wart close to my ass so it's changing the trajectory. So you mean like it hits it

and then it... Yeah. Like it comes out and I was like woo! It's like when someone with a gap in their teeth whistles yeah it has just a little music to it i have a wart do you really think you have a wart near your asshole no that's extreme i think it's a skin tag but near your asshole it's on my ass cheek yeah i mooned somebody the other day on a podcast on fighter and the kid and somebody said hey you got a skin tag on your ass so i have a dermatologist friend what are you a 90 year old jew and i sent pictures too yeah i i know i get all types of stuff i want to marry veneti and i

just talk about this stuff on the podcast and stuff like that yeah oh god are you hitting on her no no no okay but the farting and the skin tag it's not gonna make anyone want to be yeah yeah i say all that so i try to do that thing where i say all these disgusting things about myself that aren't true yeah i understand that yeah yeah and hopefully she does but i don't but the problem working gets me vanity is that she wants a greek guy so i'm i'm i'm not great i'm taken yeah yeah i am yeah i'm greek i'm married to a jew yeah i've had sex with you know goats and stuff but i'm not have you real i was fucked by a goat and interesting yeah they're very aggressive have you ever what's the weirdest thing you've ever stuck inside your body like i stuck a baseball bat in someone else you stuck a baseball yeah i fucked a woman with

a baseball bat than a baseball bat no I put a base an umpire mask I put it in my ex so wait so you said you just booked a cruise I love that you went from me fucking someone with a baseball bat to a cruise I'm not curious about the cruise at all

who cares about the cruise I just said She fucked someone in a baseball bat. We want it. I'm not curious about the cruise at all. I want to know. Who cares about the cruise? I want to know if this person lived. I just said I fucked someone with it. Of course. They lived? Yeah. Yeah. No splinter?

Not one splinter? Well, it was like, you know, when you get cotton candy and it goes on that stick, like that cardboard thing. Yeah. I kind of just carried her around for a while with it. But yeah, no, it came. It came right out. She was pretty wide open.

Nice. We had been dating for a while. Right. And I have a big fist. Yeah. So, you know. So you don't want to cruise? I went for a master's degree at NYU.

Yeah. Yes. I think I am going to go on a cruise because I want to be away from my family for weeks. So I'm hoping I get stuck on the cruise ship. I'll just bring a lot of snacks. I want to go on a cruise and bug chase for the coronavirus. That's the way you really chase for it. No.

So what bug chasing is, and now it's going to open up to people with the coronavirus, I would imagine, but in the gay community in the 80s and 90s, or even still to this day, if somebody has AIDS or HIV

and you don't have it and you know that they have it and you have sex with them with no condom and fucked them in the ass, they call it chasing a bug. Yeah, I remember that. So I think it's going to start to be with coronavirus. If I say I have corona, you have sex with them with no condom and fucked them in the ass. I know. I know this. Yeah, I remember that. It's going to start to be with coronavirus.

If I say I have corona, you can fuck me in the ass and then you're a bug chaser. Right. But people who normally would get HIV would be the bottom, the one getting plowed in the ass. Okay. Yeah. The person giving it has had a much less chance, has much less of a chance of getting it. Yeah. My Chinese friend told me that. She's a barrel of getting it because i heard my chinese friend told me that she's a barrel of information she is well she's stuck in a village she's been quarantined for

months so yeah she's not even supposed to be talking to me right all she can do is really skype with you and that's it right well she can also steam clothes and give pedicures but i mean it's really yeah way john jen i know because people are like oh with chinese like i feel so fucking actually terrible because i'm like the racism on that with like chinese people and then like people like we need to deport the chinese i'm like deport the chinese then where we're going to put our cans who's going to take our cans right that's a that leaves a big void in the marketplace yeah they need to be attended to. Who's going to take our cans?

It's so insane. It's true, though. He makes a good point. This is a very knowledgeable episode. I mean, even Mike is signing. He makes a very good point. They carry so many cans. They do.

You can't even see the person in New York when they're covering. So many cans. Have you ever seen like a 90 year old woman to carry in two like an ant? I can't. I'm like, I can't get out of bed. Mike, have you been pressing the Weishan Qian button? No, I've never. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because we need to edit. We need a lot of Weishan Qian.

Okay. So do we know to listen back to Weishan Qian the shit out of this thing? Yeah. Oh, my God. The cans. I like to set it up like i'm gonna say something i know that was amazing i expected you to say like we can't deport them i have so many of aluminum catricks so much sprite i love sprite yeah yeah well they'll they're not gonna get deported i mean the the Mexicans were supposed to be kicked out and not

coming. I mean, there's so much going on. What do you think is going to happen? You think we're in this for the long haul for months and months and months with the coronavirus? Oh my god, I don't know. Like, I don't know what to think. I don't know what's going on. So I don't like that. If you don't know, that's scary. Well, I don't know

how this is being contained if it's not if everyone's not home being quarantined. I don't understand because people already have it. Right. There's plenty of people that have it that they have it right now, but they're just not tested. And they say you could you could have it and pass it to somebody else without showing symptoms for a little while. Or you can. I heard you can never show symptoms.

I don't know if that's true. Some people just have it and just have it and then it just, it transmits it to other people but their immune systems are just superior. Maybe it'll just be like HPV where everybody just gets it.

Yeah. You know, you just have it. We all have that? Most people, yeah. Really? Yeah. I mean, I know you have it.

Yeah, I have warts. Me. Have you had warts generally? I had one worn on my shaft a few years ago. i i said just one i tried to they tried to burn it off they wouldn't burn it off yeah they tried to burn it off and then they all these old wives tales to put vinegar on it and this and that but then i just had an aunt come up and she she just took it off with tweezers are you joking with what you just said

with my aunt did an aunt really take the word off your nose? And one of my aunts, she didn't take it off. And aunt told me about the tweezers. And then I, I took it off. You took tweezers and I caught a word off of your penis after a while. Yeah.

Cause they couldn't freeze it off. They tried to freeze it off, but it just wouldn't come off. It's good to know. Cause I have an enormous scab on my pussy. Right. So I don't think a tweezer would help, but like,

yes, an aunt could be helpful in that situation yes can your aunt can i talk to her yeah and once in a while i get one kind of tool to use sometimes i get a water too on one of my on my scrotum but but they're being less and less frequent yannis do you ever experience any of this stuff or no i generally stay away from the toxic kind of uh bacteria pool that that Chrissy exposes himself to. Yeah. Like, have you ever had anything like that?

No, I'm a monogamy type of guy. Part of the reason is that we've talked about that. I like this. I'm a little scared of the pandemics. Right. Chrissy dives right into it like it's a pool. He puts on a bathing suit and he hops right in. I know that.

Yeah. I'm Chrissy Coronavirus. Yeah. Chrissy Corona. I know that. Yeah. I'm Chrissy Coronavirus. Yeah. Chrissy Coronavirus. Chrissy Coronavirus. That's what I'm opening. I'm being asked to brought on stage. You know I'm from Chrissy Coronavirus.

I think if Chrissy got the coronavirus, the coronavirus would show up in his system and it would be already too crowded with other viruses. Right. It would be like, I'm out of here. There's no rooms available. Chlamydia has taken up all the space. I can't deal with when you get chlamydia i i really have you ever had syphilis no never i the only one i've ever gotten was chlamydia it's very old

but you've had it twice i've had it twice which allegedly apparently is not that much there's other men who have admitted that they've gotten it four or five six times there's one other man he did it on our podcast yeah and he's dead he's dead to venetia that's for sure yeah yeah yeah she was not a fan of that i had um well i got uh what's it called um the bug uh scabies? Not scabies. You know how hard I've laughed from him farting in the comedy club. Remember when I timed it on Ronnie Chang's set? Giannis, I'm not kidding. I fell off of a chair, physically fell off of a chair because Ronnie Chang told a joke and not white. It bombed.

Yeah. Yeah. He, all of a sudden we're sitting at the comics. Like it was just so perfect. Yeah. How long have you been holding that? I was waiting for it. Cause he was doing so well.

And I was like, but he was saying, he was like, I try a new star. So it's a way. John Jan. I was waiting for him to say, let's just call this episode.

We're auditioning for SNL. Yeah. Let's just call this episode We're Auditioning for SNL. Let's just name this episode Weishan Xia. Just call it SNL. Jessica and Chris are going in as an improv team for an SNL audition. I tell first joke time. Weishan Xia.

Yeah, so poor Shane Gillis is listening to this going like, really? Well, I gave up on saturday night live years ago so fuck it i think oh we were talking about this before i think that with all the outrage culture and pc stuff that like 10 years from now there are going to be people on snl and shows like that that have said wild stuff on podcasts because it's just after a while it's just like we're so every there's so much funnier you're so much funnier we could just say whatever you want and know that it's coming from a place of love where you're just being funny as opposed to making them put in that stupid box. Because eventually, even a show like SNL, the ratings are going to go down so much of the advertisers are going to say, I can't pay for this anymore.

Well, you know, it's like the PC culture is kind of like a virus and it's spread to so many people now that it's like we've all become immune to it right and so it's like it doesn't have the same effect it used to on the road most people are not getting offended not at all i was in denver i did five shows the week before in chicago chicago was a little sensitive really chicago yeah interesting i thought that they would be opposite i was surprised they were great but they were there were people who were getting triggered and i'm like now you're triggering they're not censored i feel like your fans would be people who weren't censored no most of them aren't hardened no most of them are not you know they're not like politically correct by that yeah but like that but sometimes they'll come and be shocked at what i say and i'm like interesting sometimes i'll say

things and just be like can you believe i just said that and i'm a democrat like and people laugh because i'm like it's so fucking ridiculous the boxes you're putting people in yeah oh yeah i'm also not gonna let anyone silence me i've been doing this 21 years like yeah i'm not gonna fucking watch what i say now because someone else feel i always tell people you need honestly i swear i'm not even being funny you need to go to therapy like right if you have an issue with what I'm saying, it's something you need to work out in your fucking therapy session. This has nothing to do with me.

Right. We've all gathered in this room for me to say unpredictable and horrible things. Right. It's a comedy club. Yeah. This isn't a fucking rally. Yeah.

You know, yeah. I did a show recently where I told them that I was so liberal that I had abortions as a point of pride as a liberal. I was like, I had like three or four because I wanted to exercise my right. Right. That's, you know, I wanted to support women that, you know, and I told them they were Democrat and they were uncomfortable with it. And I was like, what, you guys, what are you guys pro, what are you guys pro-life? This was a Brooklyn room.

Right. Let's kill some fucking babies. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, let's laugh about it a little bit. I feel like with at least TV people, like if you just say, yeah, I voted, I vote Democrat

or, you know, I'm about the environment. Like as long as you say certain things, they're like, yes, he checks out. Yes. You know, if you'd be like, I'm gay, I have a diverse baby. They're like, like yes you're the one yes but you could do other horrific things but they would just be like as long as you do those things and i where you could be the greatest person ever you could be a fucking you love animals you're the best person but you're like i voted for trump they'd be like nope no they just

take things literally it's like i said that joke and people were looking at me going like all the time they were looking at me like i like i'm not pro-. I'm going like, I know I'm like, I'm here making jokes. No, they but they're looking to be offended. And they're also there. They literally are very angry people. A lot of them that are not working on their own issues. So they're like putting it on us. I love that.

I'm not the typical young hot white girl straight do you understand i'm saying what i love that i'm i'm i've been out for 25 years i have fucking four kids right with another with two women right yeah right um i'm not skinny i'm older right yeah i'm it's like and then i say things it's i feel like it's it helps everyone that i'm like saying right fuck you right i'm not going to be politically correct right right it also must be frustrating to have like a young person come up to you and tell you you should watch what you say when you're like my whole existence i talk about that on stage fuck you to what people think i should say right right well i i did have i did do a show in lower east side and some girls like i said are you okay she was shaking her head at me

you know 20 year old white girl and i said are you okay and she's like i just feel like seriously like you're just so triggering and i said you know what you're now i'm triggered right all right i'm like i was fine but now you're fucking triggering me because you're triggered because you're another woman trying to silence me. So now I'm and I said, and wait till you have kids. Yeah, you'll be triggered from the second you open your eyes to the second you go to bed. You know, it's funny, too, is like people expect you to agree with their politics. If you say something that they don't agree with, they expect you to agree with it. And then they go home and like always there's a dad or a mom

who votes the other way and it's like it's like you're not used to what do you do you just don't talk to your parents yeah a lot of people don't yeah but i mean a lot of people's parents are just fucking republican and they're democrat and you just deal with you still ask them for money to pay for your rent so that in that time you talk to them yeah so it's like but then you expect a total stranger to who owes nothing to you who's not connected to you at all, to perfectly align with every point that you believe. It's like, how did that expectation happen? But also a lot of it's extreme. I mean, let's just be honest.

I'm a humanitarian. I care about people. I definitely. But like, I also have some maybe call conservative views about certain things. Like, we're not all in one, like we're all so complex and have different opinions and, and might agree with this. Or of course I'm like,

I'm pro choice. I'm pro, obviously pro gay marriage. I'm pro this and that, but like, not for black people. Right. I hate anyone who's not white.

I want, I'm pro choice. So of course I believe in pregnant. So I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-choice. Of course, I believe in women's rights. Because you've impregnated so many girls. You have to be. What are you going to say? I'm pro-life. So I'm pro-choice.

And I'm also for the wall. You are for the wall. Yeah, I don't want those roaches getting in here. Way, Jong-jin. We can't do this podcast without a way, Jong-jin. I'm not for the wall. Where's the way, Jong-jin? No, the wall's stupid. The wish on G button? I mean.

No, the wall's stupid. The wall's stupid. But I mean, I am for tighter immigration. I mean, not everyone could just come in, you know? I have my own opinions about it, too. Like, that's what I'm saying. We're all complex. Like, you know, Danielle, my wife, is a Democrat. But, like, she grew up in a whole family of Republicans.

Oh, yeah. Cops, firemen, queens. You know her. Oh, yeah. You both know her. Sure. It's like she's not so, cops, firemen, queens. You know her. You both know her. It's like she's not so like... Everyone should... What'd you say? We had sex. If you were with her, you'd be monogamous.

She's wild. She lets me do anal. She's such a trooper. Great. You guys give away too much personal information. She doesn't care if I say that. She doesn't listen to your stuff. She's never listened to one of my information. She doesn't care if I say that. She doesn't listen to your stuff. She's never listened to one of my podcasts. She doesn't even watch my shows.

She's never watched any of my podcasts. Danielle's divorced from Jessica. Jessica just doesn't know. She came to Montreal. We were doing the ethnic show. Giannis and Danielle really connected. Danielle was such a great person. And every time showtime would happen,

she would yawn and be like, all right, I'll be in the hotel room. Yeah, she could care. I love Danielle. Which is kind of better. It is better. Than her wanting to be at everything. And she doesn't get jealous, which is insane.

She does not get jealous. Well, because Danielle, when I look at a woman like Danielle, the couple of times I met her, she just seems like a mature adult that's a mother that doesn't have time to be triggered or offended by bullshit. Oh, she is the furthest thing. She'll be offended by things that are, she should be offended by it. She'll see something that's like,

Oh, I should be upset by that. But all this little bullshit that's for young college kids. She's not get the fuck out of here. Danielle is a therapist that deals with teens with addiction and behavioral problems. She has been to about 20 funerals for teens who have OD'd. She could give a fuck yeah like when

you have been around plus we have a child with heart disease like we don't a lot of stuff is not important when you have to deal with that's what i'm saying that's what i'm trying to say you're right the real stuff a 20 year old kid saying something to you that they're triggered at a comedy show is what that says to me is like you don't you're not going through anything in your life that's my point like that's why i, shut up and wait until you have to deal with real shit. Yeah. Like when you have to deal with an actual real problem, like I've never, any of the parents that I talked to at school, even the ones that are really annoying in my daughter's

school, none of them are triggered. They're all like, oh, whatever. We'll just get coffee. Let's talk about our kids. Let's talk about, we're not talking about fucking the straws. We're not talking about like, you know i mean what if you can say manhole cover or not that's stuff for kids or older people with roommates still i have to be honest with you when i see that manhole covers that i i i mean i'm being serious it's so ridiculous to me i think

it's a joke a lot yeah me too i actually think it's like the onion or something there's thank you when you can't say it like there's a joke and i'm like is that real that people are really getting offended by that yeah because people don't have anything left to do they're so bored with their life yeah literally i mean it's true i i really believe and i can never prove it but i really believe people wanting to delay having children it used to be a thing when you were if you're in your 20s you have a kid already like there's a kid you're somebody's a parent or you're trying or you're married or whatever but now as we get older it's like now i'm in my 30s now i'm in my 40s now i'm in my 50s i i'm like oh maybe now i'll get

married maybe now i'll have kids and then it's like that whole time when like my mother probably would have liked to have been outraged by certain things but she had a three-year-old when she was 25 i mean that's how i feel so she's like i don't have, there are certain times where I'm like, oh man, I haven't watched the news in six months because I'm watching whatever cartoons my daughter wants to watch. So I don't even know what's going on. And I feel like as you keep delaying that,

it's just one symptom of it. But as you keep delaying that, you're like, yeah, of course now you have all these outrage and people because they're fucking bored. They're not, you're fucking bored. I agree with you. I mean, we work so much. And when you're married and or have kids, you just don't. I don't know. I don't know how people have the time to even think about this shit. I can't I don't I can't read

four hours worth of art. Like today, my day started at six thirty in the morning. I woke up, you know, had to get my daughter to school by seven thirty, had an appointment at nine. This is the third podcast of the day for me that I I'm doing, doing my hour. Then I'm doing the comedy central show. And then my show's done at 11. I am the sun. And then I got to wake up tomorrow and get my kid to school at seven 30 again, tomorrow morning. So where am I going to read the articles about being outraged about being about the Corona virus about we're all going to die about the straws. I can't, if I didn't have a kid, it's like, yeah, I could sleep and I have time to have my coffee, but it's like, what do you want me to do? I'm a parent first. So it's like, I got to worry about her and then do my

job. But then you have people my age or older that are sitting around commiserating, getting home at 11 o'clock from whatever full temp bullshit job they did to sit around and commiserate for four hours and just get mad at shit. And then all of a sudden they get on Twitter. I mean, I have to admit, I do get much angrier when I look at Twitter or the news. I'm serious. I'm really okay when I'm not looking at it or thinking about it. And the second I start reading shit on either side, like I'm just like, oh, fuck. Now I'm in a horrible mood, filled with anxiety. Like I was okay. That's why I like going to Tank's good news on Instagram. I really do like going to him because he. Because he's like, all he does.

The news has a choice. They can report the good news. They can report all the people that have beaten coronavirus. But that's not going to be, that's not selling tickets. What's selling tickets is, look at these people bleeding in the streets. So it creates this thing. Like, you know, I forgot. A comedian just told me.

I forgot who it was. Somebody just went to Iraq. Somebody was like literally just in iraq i'm like downtown baghdad modi parts i wish i wish it was in the war zone somebody somebody i forgot it was they were like downtown baghdad and they said there's like malls there that are like people are walking around with no problems but you walk you look on the news you're like like, it's a war zone. I know. It's very scary. You know?

Yeah. Yeah, the news portrays. They always go. Because it's kind of the car crash thing. Literally, that was just in my mind when he was talking. Everyone stops to look at a car crash. Yeah. I thought the exact same thing that you just said.

Yeah. So it's like, I think once you start to get more responsibility, it's like, yeah, I care. Of course I care. But it's like what am I going to donate my mental energy to? But then like even some of our peers, like I got one of our close friends, Hebert, some of the things that he texts me, I'm like, guy, you're just bored. I mean I don't know what you're you're worried about all these things it's like you don't have anything to take up your time you need something to take up your time well also it's like my mom used to say to me because she's a therapist your

mom's hot thank you oh god yeah i don't even know what to say about that it's just inappropriate really it's okay you can say it she would love to hear that from you i I DM'd it to her. Oh, Jesus. It doesn't stop me. Oh, my God. You have to edit that out. That's a teenager to me. Your mom's that age? Yeah. She looks cool.

She's hot. Yeah, she's gorgeous. Nice bags. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, it's just not right. Your sister's a piece, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I DM'd your sister a lot. My sister wanted to get with him. But she picked Jared Freed. He probably did it. No, you're talking about jennifer my older no he didn't oh jennifer the older one was the one you were messaging with who has a boyfriend yeah she's a boyfriend she has the best sense of humor and she's gorgeous what's her boyfriend is he is he's a nice guy nice guy yeah he is you would love him he's a really nice guy yeah um yeah i she was um yeah i love your sister yeah and is he jewish her boyfriend half okay so he's half chosen he's half chosen yeah yeah yeah

to be hated yeah um i love that word chosen no we can't edit that out yeah you guys i mean it just always comes back around everything i never i i mean it's funny that we did that at the beginning because at some point someone's gonna go you know where this really came from well i said that because it started with the orthodox people at the wedding in new york you know that and then the guy's son went to yeshiva and they had to close down yeshiva i said now we're going to be blamed back around yeah wait hold on i keep talking because i got on my group chat with my friends like you know my firefighter friends and one of them them said to text. I was like, wait, what? Danielle's her.

Her brothers are firefighters. Both brothers were cops and are now firefighters. And her and her dad was a state trooper. And her mom is a Tupperware saleswoman. That's hilarious. I mean, she was for years. It's opposite of what I grew up with. Yeah.

He goes. We could not be from different situations. Do you have dinner with them? Yeah. I mean, like so much, Bonnie McFarlane and I, Bonnie came to me and said,

your life is so amazing. Cause you have two baby mamas. You have all these kids. You're keeping the family. Like you have to manage everything. She said, let's pitch a show about your life. And we did.

And we got a deal at NBC Peacock. And it's all about my situation because it's like we live in suburbia in long island and i deal with the same things either one of you would with two women sure with all these kids they're all girls what it's a show i'd watch yeah it's very interesting look this is the group chat you know my like conservative firefighter friends they're one of them canceled a wedding and they're talking about a spin class and the guy's like yeah i'm not a spin class one of them owns a spin studio and he goes listen i'm not gonna go i don't think it's safe right now i got the spin studio goes and it goes they're going to eventually shut everything down like in westchester and then one of my other

friends goes you realize that's where pretty much every case is right they're all in westchester because some jew lawyer came back and infected everyone yeah Way too much. And he spelled it J-O-O. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. So, and you know that- What a fucking idiot. Yeah, what an idiot. And that text came with this accent right there.

Yeah. Yeah. You know some Jews fool. Some fucking Jew. I always just put the thumbs up every time he sends a text. I just go like that. And the way the fucking bomb is, he's fucking Jews. That's what we're talking about.

Right, Jessica Kirsten said you're jealous. Yeah, I'm'm only friends with him i'm only friends with him because of the text and because you're funniest text messages i thought you told me it's because you guys share the same worldview we do yeah that too right two reasons two reasons yeah patty fly but do you want to talk about women's suffrage or fuck that i mean i mean it's the 19th amendment i mean fuck it whatever they got i think it would be hilarious if we do all of women's month and we just never touch on any of the topics we did yeah because that was when we had the woman who invented the bra and chris goes this is a snooze fest yeah this episode was a snoozer it was a snoozer yeah no well actually i mean we can talk about periods i mean we can talk about periods sure

i um when i was a kid I used to dress like a woman. Did you really? I still do for money. To keep my career afloat, I still do. Afloat. Afloat. Yeah. The only way I can get work now is if I wear a skirt.

Yeah. So. So. So. Do you hear a lot of pro-Tr Trump shit from her brothers at the dinner table? Like. I think they know not to talk about Trump around like politics. Because I don't want I don't want to get into conversations about politics.

It drives me fucking crazy. Right. Also, with people who don't really know what they're talking. I mean, first of all, I'm not as educated as a lot of people. So I shouldn't even be in the conversation. And then when you hear dumb shit from other people, it's like this is why are we even talking about this? Neither one of us knows enough to have this conversation. But they're definitely Republicans.

And they're I mean, listen, they were they were cops in really bad areas. And that they're firemen and they deal with. and they're firemen and they deal with i mean you know that this is a horrible story but the 10 year old girl that was run over by a bus a week ago with her brother her brother i think his foot was broke he broke his foot but she oh shit i didn't hear about it danielle's brother chris did did a cpr oh my god i mean you can't be around that kind of shit and not be traumatized sure and tough right you gotta be tough i can't i feel like you of shit and not be traumatized. Sure. And tough. Right. You got to be tough. I feel like you look at them and they're constantly dealing with trauma.

I mean, he couldn't save the girl's life. Right. It was horrible. Right. And he called crying. It's horrible. Of course. So when you go through shit like that, you're not like straws.

Right. Straws are really bad for turtles. Well, I think that's what pushes people to go to the right because they're like- That's my point. That's the snowflake term where they're like, you guys aren't going through anything we are. So it's not even like that they want to go to the right. They're pushed there. You know?

I have said that to people. I said, you're so liberal that you're literally making people want to attend a rally. It's happened a lot. I know. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. It's happened a real lot.

I feel like it's happening a lot in New York. I think it's Jersey. And I think it's happening in the in the traditional liberal strongholds. I mean, if you look at the elections, the elections are like a backlash against that, which is equally as unfortunate. You know, it's extremely the other way. I know Australia. I mean, how much evidence do you need that that that rhetoric is not working?

Doesn't work. It doesn't resonate with ordinary people. It's not ordinary aren't going like you know what yeah let's talk about these straws and we got to figure out this third bathroom it's like that's not the top of the list for most people very frustrating for me all that because it's really there's so many other things that need to be talked about and dealt with and it's really it's frustrating well look i mean like look even like you know i know so many people that will say, I don't like Trump. I don't like him. I don't like him at all. And then you say, who will you vote for in November?

They say, well, I'm going to vote Republican, but I don't like Trump. So it's like, that's how crazy, that's how far, that's how wild the left is where people are like, I don't want to even, I'm telling you, I hate the guy we have, but I'm still going to vote for him because I've been pushed all the way that way. Even if the things they're talking about are like morally right right it's like they're making the mistake of thinking that most people care about that because they don't i know see i think that's what's hard for us because we're so aware as comics right we are aware like when i walk into a room i'm aware of what's going on in the room i'm aware of what people are thinking i can literally look at people and be

like this person is this this person's just from doing it for so long. And so many people are out of touch. Yeah. They think everyone is like they think like a lot of people here think that everyone accepts gay people or everyone accepts Jews. I'm like, you're a fucking idiot. Right. Right. You're a fucking idiot.

Or they think Trump supporters are all stupid. It was like I was. Yeah. They're just all from Long Island. Yeah. I know I live there. Yeah. I was driving all from Long Island. Yeah, I live there. Yeah, I was driving home to my in-laws house and like there's a doctor to two houses down. He's a doctor.

He's like a surgeon. And both his kids are doctors. They're not stupid people. He had a fucking Trump flag like hanging off. First of all, what are you doing? Like the only people going to see that are your three neighbors who live in your gated community. Well, I think it's about saying a fuck you to people. I do think a lot of people.

But it's a Trump neighborhood. Right. But I think they have that sign saying, like, fuck you. I can feel and think whatever I want. And this is a, you know, putting my finger up to you. Right. It's still pretty stupid. You just want to knock on the door.

Can we just discuss that? Honestly, every Trump sticker in Long Island is on a big truck that is fucking tinted windows. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's like that cuts you off. And it's just it is. It's the same person every time. Every single time.

It is. If they had their way and like they could put the voting booths where they wanted, it would be in a sushi restaurant with purple neon lighting. That's where they would fucking show up to vote. And there would be music the whole time. And it'd be fucking unlimited sushi. That's a long Island fucking voting. Unlimited sushi? They love fucking... You know what? To a buffet?

A brunch buffet in fucking Long Island? Buffet. Yeah, buffet. Because you haven't dated a girl from the island in a long time. But those guys don't really eat sushi because the Japanese food is fucking enemy food. Bro, they fucking love sushi. No, that's just you because you're twisted. No. Italian kids fuck... That's a fancy night out if you're from Merrick. Not sushi. You gotta put in like a pizzeria or a bar of shamrocks. No, that's just you because you're twisted. No. Italian kids fuck. That's a fancy night out if you're from Merrick.

Not sushi. You got to put in like a pizzeria or a bar of shamrocks. No, they gang rape Shumai. The barcalot of a fucking church. No, guy. They fucking... When you go to a sushi restaurant in Long Island, it's the interior design is that of a nightclub. It's a fucking nightclub.

There's music. It looks like the underneath of like a Puerto Rican Honda like what they did to it it's like fucking neon lights Puerto Rican Honda they fucking love sushi I love when you talk like that I figure like our characters are probably like

Daniel's brothers kinda they're like how you doing they bust on you they knew right away not to do that the second one nice to show up nice shoes nice shirt i'm like this is not gonna work with me right right and then um they one time her her sister-in-law had drank too much and she came up to me in an event and she goes she goes happy yom kippur i'm like it's not a happy it's not a celebration hall and they said it wrong happy Happy Yom Kippur or whatever. Happy Yom Kippur.

Then they hit you with a knish. You know what I love about Jewish holidays? Then they branded me with numbers. Shaved your head. Now you know why comedians just can't, we can't be in places of employment. No, I don't want to be. I don't want to be anywhere but where I am. And I don't, and the more people tell me what I can and can't be in places of employment. No, I don't want to be. I don't want to be anywhere, but where I am.

And I don't, and the more people tell me what I can and can't say, the worse it's getting. Like I have said things lately where I'm like, holy shit. I'm a parent. I am educated. I cannot believe I just.

Well, I'm just, I gotta be honest with you. Every week, my mother calls me and says, how do you live with yourself? After saying what you just said on that podcast what is your daughter gonna think when she's old enough here i'm like i'll deal with that when she gets older because right now

i'm just having fun in the moment you're like i'll deal with that when she's in the mental yeah when she's yeah when she's in prison when she's in prison i'll talk to her when she's in prison when she's locked up i'll visit her i'll have this talk i can't i can't not say things because of my kid i have a 13 year old who listens to my podcast and she's like mama i didn't know that you used to do cocaine mama i didn't know you fucked a girl with a baseball bat yeah she's heard the she. She knows. She has the bat framed. I mean, you know I don't hold back on my pocket. Did you really just masturbate on a doorknob? Yeah.

Yes, I did, sweetheart. Mama, you put peanut butter on your vagina when you had a dog? Mama's a little different. That's why she stands on stage and makes chuckles for people. Yeah, it's just one of those things where- Don't worry, honey. Our kids are just going to have to deal with this shit. What are we going to do?

What do you want me to do? I'm like, look at all these other comics who have kids and they i mean yeah you know you can't i i don't know what else to do i can't hold back from what i need to say because of my kids no they're gonna love i won't have a fucking career either am i talking about rainbows and unicorns it's like it's like well i gotta fucking make money for for you. Your mom's taking half of it. Your mom's taking half. What do you want me to do, baby? Your mom's taking what she thinks is half. Yeah, your mother and your grandfather.

Your mom's taking an eighth of it. Because she can't even fathom the amount that there is. What do you want me to do? Yeah. Who else is going to fucking put you through I just hope none of my kids ends up fat. But I don't think they will because I'm not around enough. I just don't want me to do? Yeah. Who else is going to fucking put you through? I just hope none of my kids ends up fat, but I don't think they will because I'm not around enough. Yeah. Yeah. If I were around them more, they would all be obese. But I think

you want Danielle's around them. I don't want them to be fat. I want them to be straight and thin. Yeah. And white. And white. Yeah. And they're not Jewish either, which is a shame. They're not. They probably have an easier life. Oh, because Danielle, you're only funny. They're justessica kirsten oh please you've had so many funny

people here you're one of my top favorites what's the rule yeah it has to it's only jewish if it comes yeah the mother's the mother's hole has to be jill danielle's hole you have to come out of the jew hole it's gotta have your hole your hole's gotta have a star on yeah yeah so if it comes out of a jewish star hole yeah you're jewish yeah right yeah yeah like a flag really yeah it comes as the israeli flag now are the boys born with yarmulkes on? Yep. That's science, too. I wear a yarmulke sometimes. Did you know that when Jewish kids are born, they don't cry?

They go, ah. Ah. Oh, my God. It's freezing. Sometimes I like to- Mom, it's freezing. I want to go inside again. Yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes I like to walk around. I go outside with a yarmulke on and lets people know that I am circumcised and yeah yeah sometimes i like to walk around uh i go outside with a yarmulke on and lets people know that i am circumcised and i hate muslims that's the way jong-jin that's your uniform can we really do this without that button i mean it's really those are just those statements are just hanging in the air right now. There we go. That's good. Mike, we'll post them in after, right? Is Mike awake?

Okay. We have a button called Weijongjin, which kind of clears the air. It just means we're joking. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah. We have to have about 680 of them. We need an AK-47 to just fucking pump them in. No, Danielle's hole is Catholic.

So my parents are like we want we want your all four of your daughter's holes to be jewish i'm like their holes can't be jewish because danielle's hole is catholic so they came out of a goyim hole right you know what i'm saying they came out ham came out what about your ex is she was she so soari's Jewish. OK, so you won daughters. But but this is so great. But Shari got remarried to a Catholic woman and then Zoe became Catholic. Got it. OK, it's all very confusing. Yeah.

All my kids are, you know, they're all pretty much they're not going to be Jewish kids. Right. I mean, they may decide that later on when they see how much money my family has. But now they don't know. I mean Zoe is seeing it kind of. She's 13. You know what I love about Jewish holidays?

They're like because I grew up around Jews and Jew holidays are kind of like they're honest. They're like what are we celebrating we're like you know there's something really bad happened oh yeah it's always something bad we're sitting here and we're thinking about it that's a Jewish holiday like we're gathering around and we're thinking about the bad thing that happened right and you're going like this is

not quite a party you're singing about it and it's really just depressing and the food is very salty yeah yeah you're going like what was so tell me the history this holiday you're like well there was death there was like a hundred jews that were holed up on a hill and the romans came and put them on fire and stuck bugs in their eyes and we invite the family over and we think about it and we think about it here's yeah here's some pork well going to temple was more of a fashion show And what kind of car Everyone had I mean I went to like I went to temple in Jersey Where it was

People were wealthy Sure And I was like Oh my god Look what Shari Stein is wearing Like it was more that Than it was like Oh I'm so happy to be here

To be celebrating The new year And it's not like that But I wasn't brought up religious Right I grew up with My friends were Yeah they weren't religious.

They learned Hebrew just for the paycheck on the bar mitzvah. Yeah. That's what I did. I tried to learn it too just because I was like, you guys got 14 grand? Yeah. I was like, Baruch Adetai. I know my luck. I know my luck.

I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck.

I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck. I know my luck.

I know my luck. I know my luck. I think I would only go to a temple if Arshafir was the rabbi. I think his words are nice. Yeah. He brings people together. That's what I like about him. Yeah. think his words are nice. Yeah. He brings people together. That's what I like about him. Yeah.

He's a unifier. Yeah, he does. I mean, he does it naked. Yeah. Yeah. It's still it's powerful. He's really brought the black and white community together recently. Yeah.

Through his comedy. Yeah. And he has supported. Yeah. He has supported travel. Right. All kinds of stuff. Yeah.

So set up some charities for some recently deceased people. I mean, he's really, he's out there. He's out there bringing people together. He's doing well. He's doing his own thing. You had to get your gallbladder removed on a cruise ship. What was that like? How the fuck did you know that?

We got notes, babe. How the fuck did you? Because you FaceTimed me. I did? No, no, no. Remember you told me somebody it was horrible because you were in alaska or something like that i was on a i was in a cruise with all gay men so i and it was very dramatic i mean i had already performed and gay men love female comics and then i'm being sorry there's an ambulance in the background sorry yeah jessica's mentioning gay men so his room's not it's not soundproof

so that's a big hole yes it's raining man so okay so what happened you just had intense pain in the middle of the ocean horrible horrible i know it's like a huge fear for him it would be really oh i have never first of all i never had surgery i mean i kidding. I was like, and for me to go to a doctor on a cruise ship meant that I was an excruciating. Did you have to perform that night? I had performed. And then that night I'm in my room, I'm like, is this the 70 pounds of bacon or do, am I dying? Right. So I just had this horrible pain, like excruciating. I couldn't even't even walk really and i went down to the hospital which is it's so crazy on this huge cruise ship in the middle of alaska and in the middle of the ocean at the middle of the ocean was the doctors the same people

working the buffet yeah just put on a different hat was it the filipino was like give me my pants and i, they just had their little, Filipinos have such little hands. They just knew they could get their hands in there. It's your goblada. I have goblada. I take it out now. They put it in the buffet.

What's the hospital like down there? You'll use for room service. Yeah, they put it in the Benihana. We have goblada. I didn't even know there was a hospital on the ship. That's a bunch. Yeah, they put it in the Benihana. We are goblada. It's very... Shh. I didn't even know there was a hustle on the ship. Shhh. Shhh. That's a bunch.

One of those fat fucks on the cruise probably would eat it too. Oh, fresh gold ladder. One of those fat fucks. Those fat fucking sea urchin fucking disgusting people. Let's get all the fat fucks on a cruise ship and give them... I can't wait to go on the cruise. What kind of activities do you want to do? I can't wait to go on your first. What kind of activities do you want to do?

I just want to go. Buffet. All day long. Oh, what they must smell. So it's like, oh, I'm in pain. And they put me on IV. I was yellow. They called Danielle. Oh, that's a problem.

They had her as an emergency contact. And you really looked yellow. Yeah. They was yellow. They called Danielle. Oh, that's a problem. I was in an emergency contact. And you really looked yellow. Yeah, they said I'm starting to get almost just a gangrene. What is it when you start turning yellow? Bile. Bile from your liver starts to come out jaundice. Right, they said that. And I had a fever. It was bad. I had to get it

out immediately. So I got off on an island. It's called Sitka. The crews docked for you they docked anyway the next morning do you have to fart when i'm talking about a near-death experience and that one did not that could have waited that was one of those it snuck out you know no you let it out no i think i have two assholes i think i blew a second ass that was your skin tag that just yeah my skin tag maybe it blew off okay so what something just hit me in the eye

so anyway you got a shit particle in the right eye no my skin tag blew it off my ass oh it got right in the eye yeah so how long were they able do they have morphine were they able to control your pain you spent excruciating pain no they gave me they gave meine were they able to control your pain you spent excruciating pain for hours they gave me pain medication they went back to your room no i was on iv i was on a gurney the whole fucking thing and it was horrible because they had to pack my fucking stuff that was bad oh my god like strangers had to go in my room i mean i didn't leave it in any kind of shape for strangers they just had to pack it up. Yeah, it was embarrassing.

Of course. Yeah, because when you shit, you just leave it. You just leave it floating. I had shit in my underwear all over. I had like seven pairs. I shit in my suitcase sometimes just for fun. Did they pull it out? They got it out? So what happened there?

I had to go in an ambulance. And, you know, gay men are so, they were so dramatic. They were all on their balconies like, Jessicaica curson's dead like it was so dramatic and i was just going into this ambulance i'll never forget they were all standing out there freaking out because no one knew what was happening but but but that was it going was it scheduled to dock at that island anyway which is a tiny island in um the last islands or. And there's literally one little tiny emergency room there. I had never even been in an ambulance. Can you believe that? Wow. And I there was like three beds in the emergency room. And then there was one surgeon there. And the guy this is so funny.

You'll love this. The guy was in the army. So he you know, they go for three months to certain hospital and then travel, go to another hospital. But I but i was like i'm not gonna let this fucker just operate on me and take this so i called my cousin bernie who's urologist which is so jewish i need a urologist but we call what i need a urologist he's the best he's he's howard stern's or he's huge really but we call him for everything i mean the guy this poor guy gets 20 calls a day from my family but i said can you talk to him because i didn't i'm not gonna go be put under i'd never been put under can you imagine i'm by myself on an island in the middle and fucking alaska yeah and then my family's freaking out because by the time they would get there i would i would have

been it would have been days later it was not easy to get to so bernie spoke to him and said jessica he's done a million of the i mean this is like the most basic surgery you know so many people have had it whatever so i i had him i was so scared and they knew they knew that your it was your gallbladder yeah they even the filipino doctors knew they knew they weren't filip. They were like Swedish or something. On the cruise ship? Yeah, they were women. Oh, okay. Such a New York move to be like, I know a doctor.

Let me talk to this doctor. I knew. That's what I said. I want to find out what hospital he's affiliated with. Is he a Cornell affiliated? Yeah. I would never. There's no way.

I mean, he said, and the guy understood. I said, I'm sorry. I have to have you talk to my cousin. Was the doctor himself? Was he like Swedish? He was like, here you are. Here you are. Yeah.

And you were like, listen, you fuck. Well, yeah. I remember slaying there. And the guy was standing right there. And I called Bernie and put him on the phone with him. And then you woke up. And then once it was out, you were fine. Right.

But there was an option to fly to Seattle and have it done. And I met a vac. And I was like, whatever the fuck that thing's called and i was like no i'm not i'm not doing that i just want it out if it's okay and he's okay i'm gonna get it out and my dad flew to seattle and met me there and then flew me home but he was in a horrible mood so i had to deal with being in a wheelchair in serious pain after surgery, dealing with my dad's bad mood about being in the airport. You know, he's an intense guy. And that was like.

And then fly home from Seattle. But he flew me home first class. And he, you know, like he, thank God he took care of it. Never forget it. My dad made money from making nail polish, like S.C.O.P. All the nail polish. That's what he did. Wow.

making nail polish like scop all the nail polish that's what he did wow so i'll never forget this this young like big black girl was pushing me in the wheelchair in the like in this i don't know this thing like in the airport and my dad's like yeah well you know what kind you know who made that nail polish talking to this girl who's probably making like three dollars an hour and i'm dying in the chair and And he's like, I made that nail polish. My company made that fucking, you know what that is? That's rainbow sherbet nail polish. Like he had to point out to this woman who, it just was the craziest. She just wanted to get your chair to its location and get out of there.

She had a horrible job wheeling around white people. Yeah. I would figure on a gay cruise cruise they would have a doctor on call for people who had foreign objects stuck in holes yeah yeah i wish that was the problem because i put so many things in my holes yeah but i don't know i they they always came out yeah you know thank god right yeah they always came out of me so i didn't have to work what was the craziest thing you've ever put in your hole in my asshole asshole? I put a G.I. Joe figure. Oh, yeah.

You did too? Yeah, G.I. Joe. I fucking meant to be. Yeah. I don't know if you're lying. I'm telling the truth. I mean, we said at the exact same time. Yeah.

I mean, that was the weirdest fucking. Yeah. What was that game you called? No backsies? What happens when you say the same shit at the same time? You go jinx? Jinx, yeah. Jinx.

You guys both put a G.I. Joe in your ass? I put a G.I. Joe in my ass. I put the arm in. I would run around with him hanging out. My friends would laugh. Yeah. That is the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. I would go the other way.

I would go feet first. Yeah. Yeah. I pushed it too far, though, and it did get stuck, and it's just a true story. And you had to shit it out? I put it all the way in. Yeah. No, I had...

I started panicking a little bit because it... Of course you did. Yeah. I didn't know the ass closes, it closes. Oh my God. When you get most of it in, it sucked it in. Yeah. And then like, I had to really pull and dig and it was not easy to get out.

I was in the bathtub. Yeah, and you were in the bathtub. Yeah. How old were you? About 26. 26? Yeah. I used to put, yeah, I know.

No, literally. That's what it is. I was 26. 26. I used to put them in feet first. I have a Barbie dream house in my house. I stick my daughter's toys up my ass. It's the only way I can come.

I stick my daughter's. Wait, Jong-Jun. I stick your daughter in my asshole, too. I mean, we have put a lot of things in our holes today. We started with bats. Now we're putting people in there. I don't think I've ever put anything in my asshole to come to think of it. I don't.

I put brushes in my vagina when I was. Yeah. That's odd. No, it's not like the shaft of the brush. I don't know what to call the hand. Whatever. Not the brush part. That would be weird.

Oh, yeah. The bristle brush. what to call the hand whatever not the brush part that would be weird oh yeah i gave myself a hysterectomy at eight trying to feel something chris if you fart one more fucking time i'm i had a vegan scramble before yeah i mean you're just you can't bring this kid to your family dinner. There's a matchbox car on the ground. I just shit on my diploma. I just shit on my diploma. That doesn't even make sense.

That's where that is. I've been looking I've been looking for that memorabilia my Bob Mitzra album just came out you just got on stage and got it and you went this is where this goes

I can't believe I'm still dying over the fact that you both put a G.I. Joe in your ass I find that is that common

I don't think I don't know you're pretending like it's just like yeah every guy does that I don't think this career choice whoever gets into this career choice I don't know. You're pretending like it's just like, yeah, every guy does that. I don't think this career choice, whoever gets into this career choice, I don't think it's common.

Nothing's common. Yeah. I don't think anyone. You don't think anyone who's not a comic put a G.I. Joe in there? I don't think I'm going to call my buddy and be like, hey, man, did you ever put a G.I. Joe figure? He's going to go, what the fuck are you talking about?

No. No, I never. First of all, I never had G.I. Joes when I was 26. Secondly, yeah, I didn't. I never thought I'd put him in my ass. Did you really do it when you were 26? No, I never had G.I. Joe's when I was 26. Secondly, yeah, I didn't. I didn't never put him in my ass. Really do. You're 26.

I'm kidding. It was I must have been, you know, somewhere between eight and seven, nine, ten. Yeah. But it went all the way in. Holy. So you're all closed up around. I would freak the fuck out. Yeah.

If a G.I. Joe. I got hard. I was like, oh, that I finally figured out how to make that thing, you know, stand up. Yeah. So it was like, that's what happens. I used to sit crayons down my dick. Yeah.

Down your dick? Well, like on my pee hole. Why not? What do you mean? What do you mean? When I was a little kid, that's something kids do. They just play. You play with your penis a little bit.

Play with the hole. With a crayon? Well, not like down, but I would like rub a crayon on my like on my on the tip of your penis a little bit. Play with the hole. With a crayon? Well, not like down, but I would like rub a crayon on the tip of my penis a little bit. I would do that. Just give it a little clown nose? A little clown. Yeah. Make it look like a missile?

Yeah. Yeah. Anything to make me forget the priest was raping me. Yeah. It's what we call painting over the pain. I put those glasses with the fake nose on my cunt. Just do a Mark's Brothers play? How disgusting.

I have a master's degree in daughters. I put it on my cunt. I've lost my mind. I'm like if my daughter listens to my podcast. Mama, why did you do that on your cunt? Isabella came because we have a daughter that's around the same age. Thank you so much. She's an angel.

Thank you. She loved you, honest. She was afraid of Godfrey. But anyway, she whispered in my ear yesterday. She goes, Mama, I thought she was going to go I love you. She's like, you have a big butthole. Where the fuck did you learn this?

It's probably from my pocket. She's probably tuning in because they all know how to work phones now. I know. So it's just a matter of time before they just go to iTunes and search Jessica Kirsten. My daughter cancelled one of my flights last week. I swear to God. I swear.

She canceled one of my JetBlue flights. She did? Yeah. I didn't even know and then I got an email the next day and it said your flight's been canceled. And I said, what? And then I'm looking at it and then I noticed a time when my daughter had the phone and then I asked her because she was practicing yes, no in school. So they have all digital yes, no, yes. So she must have, I would let her my daughter had the phone and then I asked her because she was practicing yes, no in school.

So they have all digital. Oh, my God. Yes, no, yes, no. So I would let her watch stuff on my phone and then I didn't. I just was paying attention but not paying attention. And she must have scrolled out of the video and was pressing buttons on the app and then must have somehow pressed cancel. And then yes, no, yes, no. She just fucking picked right and canceled the flight.

Oh, but Zoe, when she was younger my 13 year old ordered a this is amazing she ordered huge pink slippers i'm talking this for the size of like you know a man i mean they were the biggest size for a woman a baby grand piano a little white grand i know i just remembered this and some other toys and this whole shipment came. Wow. She must have been six. I think she was around six. Because her credit card was linked up.

Yeah, it was Shari's credit card. So she just had the app open. All this stuff got delivered. I'm like, what the fuck is this? And you have to lay out. I mean, you have to lay out. And you just kept it. My mom's like, you need to punish her.

I'm like, she doesn't even know what's going on. What she did. Yeah. It's one of my favorite Soder jokes. You ever hear that Soder joke where he goes, he's like, you need to punish her. I'm like, she doesn't even know what's going on. What she did. Yeah. It's one of my favorite Soder jokes. You ever hear that Soder joke where he goes, he's like, I don't believe these babies. They don't know what they're going on. Because they'll be like, they'll do like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And they'll be like, up.

I want to go up, up. It's like, I just watched you do a bank transaction. Yeah. Up. I want to go up. Because, yeah, you see like a four-year-old on a fucking oh they swipe they know exactly everything now yeah it's unbelievable yeah yeah no my my daughter's yeah she's fucking smart kid is she on the ipad a lot all day yeah all day and it's like you know i try to well not

all day i mean i limit her but then you know it's like one of those things like I take her off the iPad and then we go for a walk. We go to the park and then she naps and then we have to eat. And then she's like, I'm only going to eat if you let me watch my show. And then so it's like I just – it's constant fucking negotiating with it. Right now, right now it's Tucker Carlson live. Chris just sits there in front of Fox News and goes fun truth

right now it's Joel Osteen I was letting her watch Barbie Dreamhouse but now it's like I don't like their message they're too materialistic so she watches a lot of she watches old school stuff her favorite movie to watch is the old Mary Poppins the first one she She watches that. Isabella likes that stuff too.

She loves that. We watch Mulan. Well, not now with the coronavirus. We're not going to watch that anymore. We watch. And then she loves Beauty and the Beast. Don't watch Caillou either. Yeah, not watching Caillou.

Yeah, Isabella was watching Caillou the other day and she got a mild fever. You can't watch that i can she can watch milan if she has the mask on way jong-jan i uh and then she likes that's actually really it's the do you know why i'm laughing because people probably would fucking do that because they're so stupid. That's the scary part. Yeah. Your daughter goes to school with a lot of Chinese kids.

My daughter goes to school with, I would say. Are they messed up? 60% of Chinese. No, but I think they're going to close my daughter's school next week. Because one of the relatives of one of the kids lives in Wuhan or was in Wuhan. They're like from Wuhan. So some of the parents were like, we or was in Wuhan they're like from Wuhan so some of the parents were like we can't you know yeah but you know that's that's a perfect example of how crazy I know far left has got because then some people would go some people in the photos go that's

racist what you're doing shouldn't this go like it the New York Times actually retweeted this it's crazy to think the New York Times wrote an article going hey some people are calling it the Wuhan virus that's not right that's racist it was an article in the new york times yeah and then someone just reposted an article from the new york times from two months earlier where the headline was wuhan virus and i said really and did you forget about the zika virus the spanish flu and just went on and on and on about every single fucking virus which is always named after the location it came from west nile you know it's like i get very upset it's like people are really fucking like

living in a cartoon right now i know i can't stand i you know do a black character and if anything the one i was doing was very powerful and it was a message i was putting out there which was pro like it wasn't there was nothing racist about if anything was the opposite and i got a message um it's crazy from someone saying you're a fucking racist or this and that and it's like i i just it's insane yeah it's insane if you have talent now it's like uh it's seen as um you know you got every you just have to be you and it's like a very narrow thing it's like you know you can't you know it's like what happened to hank exaria i just like it's just like crazy it's like the guy does like fucking 50 cartoon voices i know and it's like talking about yeah it's fucking crazy man it's like really he got pulled from something apu was off the simpsons he's off he's been erased from the simpsons and

hank is areas doesn't do it and you know it's it's he's been written off the show after 22 years. I'm working on an animated show where I'm someone whatever was following me and loved my old Jewish character, the Jewish woman. And then it's a great idea. Her best friend is an older black woman and they live in a community together. It's an amazing idea for a show like that. Their best friends get high and it's really dark. And I said and he said the guy said to me you know 10 years ago you could have done both characters yeah yeah you know what i'm saying yeah and now it's like they had to search for someone to do the other character i have an

animated show in development right now and one of the actors who you know i'll tell you guys after is like known for doing voices he can do do all these iconic voices, but he's a white guy. So like he can only play the white guy. And I'm like, it's a cartoon. I don't understand. It's a cartoon. None of this is real. This is art.

I know, I don't understand it. It's a sickness. It's like, it's actually gotten to the point where it's like, it has those sort of, it has those notes. It has those hints of like, oh shit, this is the end of Rome. Like where truth is like, nothing makes sense anymore.'re like what the fuck but i don't think it's

gonna continue i i don't it's gonna have to turn around there's no way there's not enough people who are that and you know what with hollywood playing into it it's a fucking problem yeah but i think eventually it's gonna there's the money they're gonna lose too much money that's what i'm saying once it gets to the money they have to go they have no choice to go back and it's all it's always also those right-wing kids who fucking ruin it because they give them the excuse because they just go on the air and they just say the n-word 500 times and then it gives them gives the other side ammunition extremes on both sides are both sides are insane yeah it's going like i'm just gonna say the n-word 20 times because of spite those people.

And you're going like, you're making their point. I know. That's what I'm saying. We're all in the middle. Most of us are. We're all suffering from these two fucking pools of fucking idiots. That's what I keep saying. Yeah.

Now, your manager is famous for baking bread. What's your favorite bread that he bakes? That's hilarious. Famous for baking bread. Oh, he made me a challah once, but i didn't i i don't think i i got it check out at jim serpico on instagram he does he's a fantastic manager and producer but now he's just been making bread the last time he made the bread with the stromboli the one with the daniel fantastic out over it he's a fantastic bread yeah but he made it with the you know the meat and the

cheese inside oh my god shout out jim serpico great guy yeah yeah yeah we used to call him mini mussolini we used to call mini mussolini now yeah now we call him jim the jill now i didn't even know he was i know well we didn't know either but then when you go into his house he's got a picture of him with a yarmulke playing the saxophone and we were like he goes i wear my yarmulke when I go to big meetings in LA that's hysterical he's a halfie right he's a half ski yeah

yeah he's a half cap but his wife is Jewish right it's okay so then the kids are Jewish right got it

it's all about the hole the people who tuned in learned a lot today it's all about the hole it's all about the hole one more and then we'll go sure there you go

oh that was Chris that was bad well because the way that one came out of the top of my ass crack that's gonna come out with shit yeah yeah no i'm gonna shit his pants he's pushing him yeah no you know like on those japanese trains that guy that pushes the fucking people that's what he does with his shit have you seen what the fuck is that i know it is wild well that's because they're gonna have to start doing that in new york one of the most wild things i

think i've ever seen is that video yeah they, they just shove them on. It's so crowded there. How did they get? I'm telling you, I'd rather be killed than do that. And you can't talk on a Japanese train. That is a nightmare for me. You're not allowed to talk or be on the phone. You're not? Well, not that you're not allowed to, but it's very. Oh, yeah, being pushed into a train.

Yeah, I mean, that's like you go there and you go, I'm taking an Uber. Where am I going? I wasn't even planning on going on a train. They're just trying to explain it to you. They're like, no, no, it's just crowded. Just crowded. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no.

I'm not getting on that fucking train. Get your hands off me. First of all, if anyone physically pushed me on, I'd be like, get the fuck off. I mean, I don't know how these people. Well, I feel like, yeah, in Japan, we're so much bigger than them. We could just fucking throw them all like Godzilla. Just fucking start hitting them all like wrecking rounds. Like Godzilla.

Like I'm wrecking rounds. We can't do the podcast without it like we did schultz the other day and it's like we the kid just has to walk around with one you just have to walk around with a portable one you got to make a portable button for you yeah from wherever you go just hit a fucking way zhong jing we got the way zhong jing i'm just kidding around what is it what is it racist to say japanese people we're bigger than japanese people i mean some of them are bigger well bigger is true. We're bigger than, I'm saying as America, the average height is taller than their average height.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said we could throw them around like Godzilla. Yeah, but I'll shoot them out of my fucking BBs. Wei Zhongzhen. You should say the Taiwanese have really small hands. No, Filipinos. But they do have small hands.

That's why they're good massagers. They can get their little baby hands in between your rib cage. That's another fact that you guys didn't know. Wei Zhongzhen. This is filled with science. They're good massagers. They can get their little baby hands in between your ribcage. That's another fact that you guys didn't know. Why, Jong-Jun? This is filled with science. They're little baby hands. Yeah, no, it's crazy. It's like you'll see the biggest, most muscular grown man with just little baby three-year-old hands.

Do you guys think? Is this the most accurate episode we've ever done? Literally. Look at the Filipino guy. The most biggest guy. When you look at the hands, they look like hands on a trophy. You know, guy like the most biggest guy. When you look at the hands, they look like hands on a trophy.

I mean, this is just call this episode. You should put those in your ass. Yeah, I would. Yeah, I would. If I ever wore an Emmy, I'd put it in my ass on stage. I want to thank my asshole. I want to thank God in my asshole for this and then just slowly get it up and say I don't

drink milk. I would pay you any amount of money to hear that and see you shove something in your asshole. I would shove it right up my ass and then I'd yell Trump 2020 I think we gotta go right? Okay where can people see you? A church You got any cruises coming up should we alert they should go to my website jessicakerson.com okay and follow me on instagram at jessicerson j-e-s-s-y-k-i-r-s-o-n and where can they see your ass you just had a special come out

where can people check on comedycentralcom. So go check out her special. She's one of the funniest people on the planet. And she had her gallbladder removed on a fucking... And then I ate it. So thanks for listening, everybody. Check out Jessica. Thank you. You got a fart?

You want to end in a fart? ChristyComedy.com, HistoryAhenis.com, GiannisPompous a fart. You want to end in a fart? Christie comedy.com. History. I mean, it's.com. Yannis pop. It's comedy.com. Check out our live dates.

We got a bunch of live dates coming out. Yeah. We'll, we'll do that afterwards, right? We're going to plug it in. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's all good. Of course, always brought to you by lakeside maple. It's a trail mix. You put it up your butt. You go to lakesidemaple.com. Use the promo code WILD, W-I-L-D.

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Everybody knows their address. Do you know their address by heart, Giannis? Yeah. What is it? Not 9th Street. 133 West Hills Road, Huntington Station. You call 631-351-5300. You get a free oil change for Yale Trump 2020.

Yep. James Altucher. You just follow him at James Altucher. He's got so much money, he doesn't care. And he's got a comedy club on the Upper West Side. Then this guy's a real schizophrenic. He's a new sponsor. His name's The Buckman Breakdown.

He sent us about 3,000 messages about rewriting the ad. I mean, you're out of your fucking mind. His name is Gareth Buckman. He's got a biweekly podcast. He analyzes the latest news in MMA, economics, and financial crimes. I don't know what this kid. He's got a bachelor's degree in sports and exercise science and master's in financial planning. If you want an in-depth analysis

of strategic, athletic, and anthropomorphic attributes of the biggest MMA fights, subscribe to the Buckman Breakdown. I mean, I don't know how that's a business. If you want an insider's look into global economic events and international financial crimes, subscribe to the Buckman Breakdown. I mean, you're out of your fucking mind, kid.

Follow him at... Oh, he's also a professional photographer, because why the fuck not? I mean, this kid can do everything. MMA fights, financial analysis, fucking photographer. I'm sure he does stand-up. He's probably got a special. He probably banged my ex.

Yeah. At Gareth Buckman. Yeah. G-A-R-E-T-H-B-U-C-K-M-A-N. And thank God that's over. Clip it. Clip it. And then, of course, we got Theo's Feta Cheese,

who tried to swindle out of some money because he's a fucking dirtbag from Brooklyn. But he's got feta cheese that's natural milk, cow milk, and it's got salt and probiotics and whatever the fuck else he's probably lying about. But it's got B vitamins and calcium. It's great for muscle, bone, and health and getting jacked. It's cow's milk, feta, not sheep or goat's milk.

It's naturally lower in fat. He was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. It's available to the public for two years, and it's already kicking the national brand's ass. You can purchase Theo's at your local Key Food, Big Y, King Collins, C-Town, Super Fresh, Bozudo's, any fucking store. But really just get it on Amazon. And the website is TheosFeta.com. That's T-H-E-O-S-F-E-T-A.com. TheosFeta.com, whatever you, I don't care. Thank you. Outro Music