History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 148 - The Wildest Roman Emperor You've Never Heard Of!

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

If the Emperors of Rome are know for anything its their extravagant craziness, and all the rest combined got nothing on Franks and Bean Elagabulus! This footnote in history was as WILD as his reign was short, but make no mistake in that little time he managed to make his mark! From pretending to be a tute to picking members of government to the size of their member, Elagabulus wasn't just Emperor of Rome, he was Emperor of WILD! PLUS a a sneak peek at the Cuzzies daily "Wepa In The Morning" news show, available at Patreon.com/bayridgeboysWant more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

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I'm in my Yanni position. I'm laying down like a female teenager in 1996 on the phone having a convo my feet are up I'm dangling them down I feel good I feel recharged I saw Chrissy the Hun and it just feels good to just get my eyes on that shape of yours and that weird walk you're Chrissy pretty close is what we decided you're Chrissy pretty close I'm Yanni almost and you're Chrissy pretty close you're we decided. You're Chrissy pretty close. I'm Yanni almost, and you're Chrissy pretty close. You're pretty close to being a straight guy. You're pretty close to being a leading man.

You're just pretty close to being a doctor. You're pretty close to a lot of things. You're Chrissy pretty close. I'm Chrissy pretty close, and it's what it is. I was pretty close to getting out of it. I was pretty close to, you know, fucking – Oh, I lost it. Sorry.

I got – Where'd the girl walk by? Because you're pretty – You're pretty close to having two normal titties. You're pretty close to having a jacked body, but when you take your shirt off, you just got a dad body since you were 27. You're pretty close.

Your feet are pretty close to fully being shaped like a high heel. I mean, guys, when you take, when Chrissy takes off his sock and shoe, his foot is shaped like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Because you're Chrissy Cinderella. Yes.

Guys, we're going to rename that cartoon Snow White and the Seven Squeaks. Yeah. Guys, cuz. Listen, it was good. I mean, I had an Italian tuna sandwich from the ALC Deli. You had a sandwich with a lot of meat. Cuz, it's just nice to start to see some things open back up. I mean, some of our friends are starting to go back out on the road.

I mean, Mikey's down there in San Antonio. Some comedians are starting to go out to San Antonio. I mean, I'm not going are starting to go back out on the road. I mean, Mikey's down there in San Antonio. Some comedians are starting to go out to San Antonio. I mean, I'm not going to go to San Antonio just yet, but it was nice to just talk to you with no mask on. Yeah, I mean, it's like, dude, I don't know. I don't know what reality is anymore. Like, we walked around today. Everybody's wearing masks.

Then we're doing an episode today on the wildest roman emperor that you never heard about and i'm reading about this and i'm going chrissy i'm going chrissy benetia mikey what's to stop me from throwing a fucking dress on my emoji face and marrying his elbow i just want to marry his elbow and i want to be the bride what the fuck was going on in ancient Rome, cuz? Yeah, I mean, cuz, doing the research on this one, we're going to do an episode today. The guy's name was Elgabalus. And Elgabalus, I mean, whatever the fuck his name was, the Romans have wild names.

His name was E-L-A-G-A-B-A-L-U-S. I mean, the kid became the emperor of Rome when he was 15 years old. I mean, you thought, you know, certainS. I mean, the kid became the emperor of Rome when he was 15 years old. I mean, you thought, you know, certain people, I mean, think about being 15 years old and being an emperor of an ancient country. I mean, you would go a little while too. No, you would get those fishnets on and start spanking your monkey and it would get pretty nuts. Every time I read about some of these wild ancient Roman emperors, and make no mistake, Elebagalilius, whatever his name was, he makes Nero, he makes Nero look like a JV,

sort of like some other TV shows. Wow! For the episode, let's just call it Elegabullus, let's just call him Ellen. Yeah, Emperor Ellen makes Nero look like a JV varsity team, I mean, as far as wildness. This kid was as wild as can be.

Whenever I'm reading about these wild emperors, there was probably about five or six of them that were off the charts. I always think, I always like wish that there was more Christian conservative. It's the only time I want to go, you know what? The Roman empire needed some Christian conservatism. Yeah, they needed, they needed a couple of Ted Cruz's in there. They needed some guys to just put the fear of Jesus into you.

Because, yeah, I mean, this guy, he reigned from 218 to 222. I mean, you know, back in, you know, fucking 2,000 years ago, over 2,000 years ago. And it was just a short-ass reign. It was only four years, because that's the thing. When somebody comes out of the gay fucking wild, like when they're doing the equivalent, you know, It was a short-ass reign. It was only four years because that's the thing. When somebody comes out of the gay fucking wild, like when they're doing the equivalent, you know,

kind of like their inauguration speech in a full dress when they're a guy, I mean, you're just not going to last long in the ancient world. I mean, eventually you're going to get told to get – you know how we say shut up and take your fucking shirt off? They're going to say shut up and take your fucking head off. Yeah, the crazy thing about him was the most impressive part about this kid was his grandmother and his mother because they this was the time where the roman emperor the roman empire kind of got bought by this senator kid and uh julia domna did we do an episode on julia domna no we're good julia domna sounds like a girl from Betsonhurst, Brooklyn that'll ruin your fucking life. She does.

She does. Yeah. Julia Domna, are you still going with her? Are you still going with Julia Domna? I'm going with Julia Domna, but I heard she fucking banged Frankie Domino behind 207 Park. And she basically set this whole thing up to have put this kid into power at 14, 15 years old. This kid was a Roman emperor at the same time Dave Chappelle started doing comedy clubs.

I mean, you know, doing comedy clubs, it's wild enough if you're 14 doing comedy clubs. Imagine being the most powerful man in the known world at 14. I mean, I might throw some stockings on and start fucking my chariot driver too. Yeah, I mean, the kid, first of all, he was Syrian. So he was one of your people, okay? He was a Middle Eastern fucking, he was just a little bit of a Syrian jadid.

The kid was a little bit sandy and he came out and he was the most, people say he was the most bizarre emperor of Rome. I mean, after doing the research, I agree. He was the high priest. First of all, he was, you know,

a lot of these Roman emperors, they didn't get religion involved. This guy came out and said he was the high priest of a phallic oriented cult. And he was also a transvestite. So he came out transed out fucking because in 218 AD, this kid was talking about trans rights. I mean, the kid is a progressive forefather. I mean, you know, it's like he was talking about this shit 2,000 years ago. He was a transvestite. He was a masochist.

That means he got sexual pleasure from pain. And he even toyed with the idea of castration. So he wanted to cut his own balls off, but the higher-ups jumped in and said he can't do what he actually did do. I found this out. In 219 A.D., he publicly circumcised himself so he pulled the lukash and just circumcised himself at fucking 16 years old uh and that's just what he wanted to fucking do he wanted to skin his dick the thing about me and you is we could never get

too big like we hope you guys really support this podcast and tell your friends about it and it gets big enough to support us and our families but you can never make us too big because here's the deal the only thing holding us back from cutting our own dicks off and me throwing a dress on chrissy's head and marrying his right butt cheek yeah uh is power because what happens is you know you end up being a 12 year old kid you start throwing stockings on and if your dad doesn't walk in and stop it next thing you know you're going all the way and you're building a lair in and stop it, next thing you know, you're going all the way, and you're building a lair in your own castle where you prostitute yourself, and you compete with other prostitutes and brag about how many guys are

fucking you and your asshole, which is what Elagabalus did. So don't ever make us too big, because if me and Chrissy get power, we're marrying each other's assholes. Yeah, I'm going to marry your asshole, and I'm going to re-circumcise myself live on the Patreon. I'm going to put your asshole and I'm going to recircumcise myself live on the Patreon I'm going to fucking I'm going to put Mike in a basket and I'm going to carry him around on my back

and I'm going to make him have a blue shoe so he's got a boner and I can feel it on my back at all times and that's how I'm going to enter Senate meetings I'm going to decapitate Venetia and put her head on my head Yeah, it's what it is Now cuz, I did some of my own research, cause make no mistake

some of the research for T-Stone was a fucking snoozer! So I watched some articles, I watched some YouTube docs, and I found out some of the wildest things that this kid used to do. Okay, first of all, I told you, he circumcised himself in public, and he had to be persuaded

to not also castrate himself. So the kid was gonna go full dick and balls on a regular saturday afternoon just cut them all off just for no fucking reason just because he got a little banged up off roman wine so that's one thing he also the kid also what he would do he first of all he would walk around with his mom and grandma and he would just chant shit he would just chant things in the middle of the streets. And they're like, what is this fucking guy doing? He was like chanting like words that didn't even exist in the language, just his mom and grandma.

That's just what he would do. Then he would take, he would get everybody in one of the arenas, not the Coliseum, but something in the Hippodrome. He would get everybody in there and he would get monkeys, snakes, lions, and jaguars, and he would throw human genitals at them and watch them eat the human genitals for food. So, I mean, the kid just, you know, I mean, listen, it's keto, you know, it's nice thing to do, but I mean, so imagine just, you know, sitting around looking for a show. It's, you know, Wednesday night. You think, you know, instead of seeing, you know,

Chrissy, Yanni Popperson, Tim Dillon do comedy, you're going to see this fucking monkey eat somebody's junk. Yeah. I mean, that's, you know, that's a good night of entertainment, you know? I mean, is there a two-drink minimum for that? Yeah, cuz, I gotta be honest with you, with the prices on our Patreon going up, for the $500 level, it's called the Eligibilis level, and we'll fucking

feed human genitals to live monkeys live on the Patreon. Yeah, I mean, Eligibilis is, he is, if you're familiar with our Ellen Gaboulis is, he is, if you're familiar with our show, No Nets, he is not fucking wild. He is full-blown,

stone-cold, 100%, balls to the wall, Poughkeepsie need to be put down, fucking wild. I mean, cuzzy wuzzy, listen to this.

He used to have sex with women, even though he was a fucking beyond a $3 bill fudge yogurt, he would have sex with women, he would have sex with women for the specific reason because he wanted to know he would I'm sorry, he would have sex with men and boys, he would have sex with men and boys for the simple reason because he wanted to get better at feeling female orgasms. for the simple reason because he wanted to get better at feeling female orgasms. So he would have sex and then put his dick, he would let you go into his ass, and he would push his dick and tuck his dick back, like just give himself a lot of puss, because he wanted to see what a female orgasm felt like. So he would tell people, like, yeah, I can come like a woman, but why I get banged up by men and boys. Yeah, and I misspoke before.

I get banged up by men and boys. Yeah, and I misspoke before. His grandmother was Julia Mesa, and she was the sister-in-law of the famous Roman emperor Septimius Severus. So these kids from Septimius Severus, they were part of the Severian dynasty, and they were a bunch of Syrian kids out there in Syria. And Elagabalus uh was actually bought named by julia mesa uh as the high priest yeah it was a hereditary right

they all were they were a cult in syria uh in the roman in the roman you know the roman district of syria over there where they worshiped the sun god and the sun sun god was Elagabal. And since he was a high priest, he changed his name to Elagabalus. And these kids worshipped the sun. They worshipped the sun because like Italian girls on Coney Island in the month of July trying to get a tan. Trying to get a tan, yeah. And when you first said Julia Mara, that sounds like the girl that will blow you by the handball courts.

And then Julia Mace, it sounds like a girl that I've seen by the handball courts. Did then Julian Macy's sounds like a glass of ice by the handball courts. Did I freeze? Oh. What? Am I freezing up? You were freezing up a little bit. But I got through? Did I poke through?

Did I crack open the Wi-Fi? You got right back in there, cuz. Yeah, okay. So another wild thing that he would do is he would go in around 220 AD, he would go into brothels and he would kick out all the toots. He would kick out every prostitute, maybe kill someone, but just get them all out of there.

And then he would get bucky ass naked and he would sit. I mean, this guy's the emperor of Rome. He would sit in one of the rooms behind the curtain and shake the curtain and shake his ass out. And he himself become the prostitute. So guys would come in not knowing this was the emperor and he would get banged out as a prostitute so he wanted and he would collect money as a toot and then go to other prostitutes and brag that he made more money than that day but meanwhile he's the emperor of rome with an infinity supply of money but he was making

believe he was a prostitute just because yeah i mean you know he was definitely in the gay world you would call him a sub i think he was a sub he was a sub he liked to get his ass banged out um yeah and he the kid liked to make money i mean you know if you watch that jennifer lopez movie where they're stripping on the poles it's all about getting that money i mean this kid liked to get that money he would get that money um when he married a woman he finally he married a woman, he finally did marry a woman specifically for fatherhood. And it was weird because, see, that's the thing about the Roman Empire

is a lot of people think like, you know, accepting of homosexuals and all that is a new thing. And it certainly is. But in 220 AD, it was very common to see homosexual men around. It wasn't so much the fact that he was gay. They didn't really have a problem with that.

It was that the transvestite and the cross-dressing was a little like, we don't know. But Rome was very, they celebrated sex and all that. So he was, it was okay that he was gay. Everyone thought he was gay. But then when he comes and marries a woman, they're like,

what the fuck? why is this guy marrying a woman but he wanted to have children so he wanted to have children and he wound up marrying a virgin who was i think gonna supposed to be with somebody else and the penalty for that is being buried alive so if that virgin was ever caught by the guy she's supposed to marry then legally for not betrothing herself to him she she would be buried alive under Roman law. I mean, how wild was it? I mean, cuz, I'm fucking pissed off that I gotta wear a mask. Could you imagine if by accident

I banged out the wrong girl, I got buried alive? I mean, it is wild. I mean, it was a wild time. And I think you can, a lot of people consider Elagabalus to be the first trans, he was trans. I mean, the kid was changing his pronouns left

and right. I think Nero did that too when he wanted to marry his eunuch Sporus. But I mean, these Roman kids were all about trans women. They were trans women. And you know what, you know what, at the wedding, at the wedding of his wife, who he wanted, you know, people have like little ceremonies here and there. Like, you know, you have a little ceremony, say hi, say hi. His ceremony, he sacrificed an elephant and then 51 tigers. So, yeah. I mean, who is he, Jeff Lowe? I mean, it's just what it is.

I mean, you know, he's, he kind of, if you look at his statue, there's like a famous head of him. Because what happened was, we'll get to what happened to him and then all the statues of him were re-carved to look like his cousin or whatever who took over.

We'll get to that though. But I mean, when you look at the ones that survived, the head of Alagabalus, there's one in particular where the kid's got a mustache and sideburns. He kind of looks like Ringo Starr.

He looks like one of the Beatles. Yeah, he looks a little Beatles, but let's be honest, a lot of these Roman emperors, because there was just so much incest, they all look a little Franks and Beans. I mean, Nero is fucking Franks. He is fucking Franks. I mean, this was a weird time in the Roman emperor where a kid from a weird cult who was granted a high priestess status

ended up becoming a Roman Emperor. I mean, we got to do an episode on Julia Mesa because she was a sneaky little bitch and she knew how to really wrestle power around. And she was a fierce, fierce girl and she deserves to work it yes she was a work it actually what the grandma knew is because actually to to be to be truthful um this kid uh egabalus wasn't he wasn't in line for the throne it was the grandma who did some shady sick shit and may believe who she pretended this kid was the illegitimate son of the rifle of the ruler who had just died even though it was a fucking lie she scammed them she got them into that uh she got him in that way and then um when she started

to realize when the grandma started to realize you know two years into his reign that he was fucking wild she made him she made him adopt the alexander made the next heir Alexander Severus because the grandmother knew that the kid was going to spiral out of control and this kid Alexander would be a better ruler yeah she did and then you know what happened it was like the kid got all out

of line and he asked his soldiers to do something and his soldiers knew what Julia Mesa wanted and so they just you know they followed what uh julia mesa wanted and his and and and so they just you know they followed what julia mesa wanted because she set it up and they fucking stabbed him to death and his mother clanged to him because she didn't like it and she got fucking stabbed to death because if you're a roman emperor and you act a little too wild make no mistake much much like julia, E2 Brute Eye,

there's a chance you're going to get fucking stabbed, just like Sunset Park in 1982. They got stabbed to death, and they got decapitated, and they got dragged through the streets of Rome with meat hooks and thrown into the Tiber River. So cute. Yeah, I would say that's not a cute. That's brute. Brutes.

So another thing he used to do is he used to get bucky ass naked, and he would get four to five beautiful men and women and have them drive his chariot like horses. He would have just naked, and he'd be butt naked too, just going, making certain. You know like when Wade Boggs won the 1996 World Series, and he ran around, and then he got on the horse? Just imagine he was doing that but butt naked for no reason,

just bucky naked, have his circumcised dick and balls flapping around everywhere. Wild. And look, before he became Roman emperor, I mean, so the kid died, what, his early 20s? No, no, he died at 19. He became emperor at 15, died at 19. I mean, what are you going to do, bubs? So before

his death as a teenager, he was also a priest. And the type of cult that he was in, these people who worship the sun over there in Syria, what they would do is they would slaughter like multitudes of cattle and sheep. They would lay them on the altars and they would drench them in the fine wines. And then they would dance around the altar with symbols. They were kind of like crazy Hare Krishnas, just with murdering animals. They had flutes and drums and they just kind of like crazy Hare Krishnas, just with murdering animals. They had flutes and drums, and they just kind of danced around.

And, like, they were the first Hare Krishnas. They were the first Hare Krishnas, yeah. They were a wild, wild bunch. I mean, this dude, he used to get his agents, Ebalus, Ebalus. I mean, we just can't say his name right. Ellen, Emperor Ellen used to get his agents, and he would have them go around and look around, and he would have them go to the Roman baths and look for men with the biggest penises, and then he would take the men with the biggest penises, bring them into his court,

and then give them positions in the government. So the bigger your dick was, the higher the power you would get. One of the guys had such a big dick that he made him basically the equivalent of the vice president. Yeah. Because he had a big piece. I mean, you got to imagine, you know, you're in the army, and this kid was finagled in as emperor by his very savvy and

Machiavellian grandmother, Julia Mesa, and they're just starting to get really weary of this kid. You know, they're starting to fucking be like, look, this kid, you know, he married a horse yesterday. Whatever the fuck he's doing, the kid wants to cut off his piece. He's prostituting himself. So, Julia Mesa started to get

worried about this, and she started to feel things were about to go wrong. Like Chris said, she convinced him to adopt his cousin, Alexander, who was born in 208, so he was a little younger than this kid at that time. And,

um, to, to, to invest in the kid, you know? Right. And, um,

and then, and then the kid was fucking murdered and Alexander took over and all the statues that were carved of Elagabalus were recarved into Alexander. That's how quick his reign. And that's how they wanted to expunge. His reign was so fucking wild and chaotic yeah they wanted to actually expunge it from the history records expunge all the statues of him so all the statues that were made of him and with his visage they re-carved them into his cousin alexander who then took over the throne here's another fun one

he had a husband. He wound up getting like his main piece, basically. His main guy was this guy named Hydrocles, who was a slave, right? And he went to, he found him at the Hippodrome. He had his guards find him at the Hippodrome. And he was just a young, you know, like, you know, 15, 16 year old, blonde hair, jacked kid, you know, just like, you know, whatever, a young kid and Hydrocles.

And so he made him kind of like his husband. you know, just like, you know, whatever, how do you want to buy a young kid and Hydra Cleese? And so he made them kind of like his husband. And what happened was, is Ellen, Emperor El Galabalos, he would want, he would purposely, on purpose, get caught banging men and women or animals by Hydra Cleese because he wanted to get, he wanted to get beat up by Hydra Cleese. So Hydra Cleese would catch him cheating and then beat the shit out of him and that would make him puing and then he would do you know he would go out in public the next day with two black eyes but it's what he wanted he would do it on

purpose he wanted to get beat up because he was caught cheating i mean what a fucking nut job so so what happened here how did this happen venet you know, we're both Greek, right? Like, and then, you know, the Greeks, the Greeks were the first ones to sort of start chopping balls off of kids. You know, the Greeks were the first ones that we know that, you know, they would have these relationships

between these older men and these younger boys. And it was seen as a rite of passage. Like, what, what is this? Is the human brain just so wild? Like, is it the more freedom we get, the more time we have to sit around and get curious and push the limits and just sort of see what we can get away with and make things wild? Do we get bored when we have more time on our hands?

Is this inevitable? Will every civilization just turn? Like, are we just at a turning point? Is Donald Trump just like the first, the first guy who's not really buttoned up, but after him, we're going to have like a transvestite president who wants to marry a horse and prostitutes himself in the Oval Office? Is that coming? I think that it's funny that this happens a lot though. Probably to this day this shit is still happening, but it's all behind closed doors. But you gotta respect the

kid for doing it out in the open, being himself. Right, so you think this is actually happening behind closed doors? This is happening to this day. Literally everything you just mentioned, you're telling me this shit isn't going on all over the world? True, true. That Jeffrey Epstein shit, his whole island and all that. Power corrupts i think power corrupts people when you get powerful and you think you

you can do whatever you want and nobody can say shit you just start to lose your sense of reality i think that may have something to do with it no chrissy it's a very very good point venetia brings up that this is probably i mean, you would have like things going on, like, you know, animal sacrifices and human sacrifice and all that stuff. I would imagine, you know, a lot of a lot of weird, weird, weird sexual proclivities happening behind closed doors. I think you fucking nailed it. It's just the only difference is, is we know about it with this guy because he was out

in the open with it. But who's to say that, you know, these fucking presidents aren't doing that now? I mean, I don't think Donnie T was doing it, but, you know, Billy Clinton and, you know, Obama, who not any Democrat president. Right. Now, just to give you some context, Caracalla, Emperor Caracalla was Ella Gaboulis' cousin, and he ruled from 188 to 217. And his mother was Julia Domna. It's really hard to follow. But Julia Domna was a real interesting bitch. And she started all this. She was from Amesah, Syria. And that was she was the second wife of the Emperor Satimius Severus. So the whole Severian cult started with that bitch and not that.

I mean, Bubs, they're all fucking, they're all sauce monkeys with sandals on. I mean, it's hard to get these names. They're all just fucking little sauce monkeys. They got sandals on, they got grapes in their hair. I mean, you know, it's like at the end of the day, it's like, who cares, guy? You had your time, you know, you fucking went wild. I mean, nobody cares. It's not

my job to know your fucking dumb name, you know? It's like, Bubbas, I don't fucking know, guy. I mean, you're a wild's not my job to know your fucking dumb name. You know, it's like Bubba's. I don't fucking know, guy. I mean, you're a wild, wild kid. All these names kind of sound alike. You make it your own rules. You know, you're banging goats. I don't fucking know. I mean, get an easier name. Why are names easier now? Why is like Bill just a common name now? And Chris, these are just common names. Why did everybody's name? Why didn't we have a fucking asshole name back in these times? Yeah, I mean uh maybe it was just easier to pronounce back then because you know it's very plato's allegory of the cave they didn't know any better so maybe

elegabalus was actually like steve now that was like oh that's a pretty simple name you know yeah yeah well the the guy elegabalus one of his main um one of his main mentors who he eventually wound up getting killed for no reason. His name was G-A-N-N-I-S. I mean, to me, baby, that's Giannis. That is Giannis. Yeah. That was the guy's name, and he had him killed.

He had him killed just for no reason. He just wanted to fucking kill him. Yeah. He was one of his main mentors. Some of the things he did when he was emperor is he definitely had a lot of his rivals killed, right? That's par for the course. That's what you do. I mean, but then once he got killed, I mean, so you have to understand his like little branch of government, like his main advisors were slaves, actors, dancers, prostitutes, and like pimps. So once they killed him, they killed everybody. They killed Hydrocles, his boyfriend, they killed all they killed everybody they killed hydrocles his boyfriend they killed

all these dancers actors uh uh prostitutes everybody got killed because he was just i mean because he was literally giving people positions based off their dick size like that's like one of the secretaries of war the modern equipment secretaries of war just got that position because he had a big hog i mean it, you've got to kill people for that. Yeah, I mean, did he do anything normal? Was there anything? Did this kid go by the book at all? No, no, he's fucking wild.

He's 100% Poughkeepsie stone-cold wild. He'd be a great known next guest. The only thing that I saw found in my research is that some historians believe that he was 1000 percent wild but his haters and his enemies wrote the history books and made it way way way worse so it's kind of you have to take some of the stuff for the grain of salt but you know i mean he would do shit like some of the things are proven like he filled a whole like giant pool up with wine like that's a lot of fucking wine just to like you know float toy ships in it um you know human sacrifice sometimes he would invite people over he would have a big dinner party and he would serve like you know different types of meat dishes but it would be people's intestines you would go

into like a room where he would say oh you know the next main the main course is in this room and he would unleash tigers and lions and kill the guests you know he one time he one time he had a dinner party and he had food like he was eating the regular food and then the food that he gave his guests was just dogs well he fed to the dogs but then he painted rocks he would paint rocks to look like food and watch them take bites out of and chip their teeth and then he would laugh at them yeah i mean the kid would have dinner like he would invite people over and they would kill them uh and then yeah he would uh he would feed them he would feed his feed them to the dogs yeah that way he would he says here he would feed his dogs only goose livers so no he wouldn't feed them to the dog but maybe he did who the fuck i mean because if he's fucking if he's

killing people in random rooms and painting rocks to watch people chip their teeth, I mean, he might just – you know, he'll give the food you're supposed to eat to the dogs. Why the hell not? He was married a total of four times before the age of 18. I mean, this kid, three women. One was a Vestal Virgin. And then one was Heracles, who was his driver.

I mean, the kid fell in love with his driver. I mean, that's like falling in love with the guy, your taxi cab driver who takes you from JFK. That's the guy, Heracles. That's the guy I was talking about who became like his main bitch. What is a Vestal Virgin? I don't know what it actually means, but I know that if they broke their vows,

which this woman did because she had to, you would get buried alive as your punishment. But I don't know what Vestal virgin. I don't know what it actually means, but I know that if they broke their vows, which this woman did because she had to, you would get buried alive as your punishment. But I don't know what vestal means. They're priestess of the goddess of the hearth. They were free. They're vowed to chastity

sharing of the charge of maintaining the sacred fire burning of the goddess's altar. Oh, so he wanted to, yeah, he wanted to get that. He liked, the kid loved the forbidden fruit. We can say that about Elagabalus. Yeah, and he was a fruit, yeah. He was.

I mean, the kid, yeah, I mean, the kid, he definitely, you know, he liked things that were forbidden. Yeah. I mean, he was a kid who got bored pretty easy, I believe. Because was he – I mean, he sounds a little Chrissy D., no? He sounds – because that's what I'm saying. The only thing stopping us from being this is society. Like, you know, we're only being stopped because America's not here yet.

But, you know, me and you, I mean, if we rose to the top of Rome, we'd be doing the same thing. A hundred percent. Especially you. I mean, you want to do all this stuff. I want to do literally every single thing. Because I thought when we first did, when we started doing the research on this, I didn't even think it was funny.

I was like, this guy's awesome. Then you're like, this guy's a psycho. I was like, oh, yeah, he's a psycho. But, I mean, I saw some of the things you're doing i'm like that sounds fun i mean you know i mean why not just be a prostitute and get dressed up and you know why not yeah i mean dude we got to do an emperor we got to do an episode uh on his uh his grandma because yeah she made him emperor at 14 um she convinced the the syrian legions over there to back him i mean i need to know about this broad we didn't really do any research on her but she seemed venetia doesn't she seem really interesting julia mesa yeah i think also she's scary though too because she wasn't happy with

his reign and then she's like you know what i gave you power and I'm going to take it away. And she watched people murder him. Right. She watched it. Yeah. You know, women are peaceful and women rulers is, you know, they just, they just, it's the way to go because they don't, they don't hurt anyone. Yeah. They don't hurt anyone.

I mean, but they're different. Women are different. And if we could just get a matriarchal rule over this globe, you know, maybe there'll be peace, right, V? Yeah, I think that's what he was trying to do. I mean, he kind of broke some, like, rules about this because he would allow his mom and his grandmother to walk in. Because he just sounds like an Italian kid that needs to leave home.

I mean, you're still hanging out with your mother and your grandmother? I mean, get out of the basement. Yeah, get out of the fucking basement. Now, Venetina, let me ask you this. Was Elagabalus, in your professional opinion, was he a fuckboy? Yeah, maybe. I would think so. He just seems that he just wanted to have sex and just share love.

It's all he cared about, fucking. What if Elagabalus was so progressive, he was trying to kill the patriarchy in himself, It's all he cared about, fucking. What if Ellen Gaboulis was so progressive, he was trying to kill the patriarchy in himself, and that's why he wanted to cut his dick off and become trans? Oh. Maybe he wanted to become a woman because he was trying to kill the patriarchy from inside.

He knew he was in charge, and he was killing the patriarchy and turning the matriarchy by transitioning into a woman. That's why he was like, he was going to if any, I will, he was going to give a hefty reward to whoever could turn his piece into a hot pocket. It's what it is.

Yeah, maybe that's what it was. Maybe Elagabalus was just fucking woke and dope. Yeah, I mean, he was born, his real name was Various Aictus Bassinianus. Bassinias. Which, you know, I guess that was his original name. So, I mean, yeah, let's just call him Mad Dog.

Yeah, let's just, yeah, let's call him Hey Bird, Mad Dog. It's just fucking easier, you know. It's a wild, wild story. It's a wild, wild story, But he would have never come to power if Caracalla hadn't been assassinated. And so that's what set all this motion.

Yeah. I mean, the kids, listen, he's fucking just a Poughkeepsie, Poughkeepsie wild kid. You know, I mean, you know, he would go to the women's sections of the baths. Like he would use the women's sections of the baths like he would use the women's bathroom like he just believed he was a woman and who am i to say he wasn't you're not he would be asked to call empress you could not call him emperor you'd have to

call him empress egobalus just like we call you mrs poppets because he's kind of a little bit like you yeah he is yeah he even tried to replace some of the Roman gods with his Syrian mysticism, with his sun worship and shit. Yeah. He was trying to replace the supreme god of Roman mythology, Jupiter. Let me ask you a question. When you saw me in public, when you saw me in person today, do you still think I have Joe DeRosa baby shoulders,

or do they look bigger in person than they do on zoom you look like a real skinny skinny mini you look um your your face is real jaunt now you look like you've been only eating vegetables doesn't look like you've been eating a lot of meat but you kind of look healthy i don't know i mean how are you feeling emotionally emotionally i don't feel good and i i'm telling you i got tits in an ass i i don't feel i don't feel cute and jacked anymore i really don't but i but you saying because you saying that you thought that i look skinny mini and you pulling your mask down to show me your lips for the first time in three months you got very close to getting kissed on third avenue no but i mean how are you feeling how are you feeling are you feeling okay feeling? Are you feeling okay? Because

you look a little jaunt. You look a little skinny. Is the vegan diet really working for you? Or does your butt demand more? Are you malnourishing yourself a little bit? My butt does need more. I told you, I started eating meat again. I started eating little, little bits of meat. I ate some chicken today. I had some tuna today. But yeah, I do because I just need to get back in shape. I'm throwing chicken today. I had some tuna today. But, yeah, I do because I just need to get back in shape. I'm throwing hands again. I've been throwing hands every morning, but it's not enough. I don't know what.

We've got to just kick it into high gear this summer and just get fucking jacked. Yeah. What are you going to do? Are you going to start working out? I've just been tanning. As you can tell, I'm red as a tomato. Yeah, you're a tan kid. Yeah, I don't know how I'm going to work out. Like,

I've tried to do push-ups. I ran when I was in Long Island on the treadmill. It just doesn't work, right? I need to get back in the gym, babe. I'm a gym rat. I'm a gym rat through and through. I need to throw around weights. Can you get weights for your house up there in New Hampshire? Do you have enough space to throw some weights around? Gonna have to. Gonna have to. Can you put weights in your house up there in New Hampshire? Do you have enough space to throw some weights around? Gonna have to. Gonna have to. Can you put weights in your garage or something? Yeah? Yeah.

But I mean, you know, pretty soon I feel like the gyms are going to open back up and that's going to be it. I mean, I'll be back in there. I mean, that's what I'm hoping. Did we miss anything, V, or did we get everything on this fucking maniac? I think we got him. I think just the way he died, you died, what was it, his cousin? There was uprisings within the

army throughout the provinces. There was even a failed attempt to replace him on the throne. So people didn't like this kid. He was too fucking wild. In the summer of 221 CE, that's after Christ, basically the year 221,

Elagabalus thought that he was convinced that they were going to name a different heir. His 13-year-old cousin, who became named Alexander Severius, was the son of Julia Mamea, assumed the title of Caesar. And he saw his cousin as a serious rival, so Elagabalus began planning the execution of his cousin, Alexnus. But he couldn't get him. He could not get him. Yeah, and that's when the family really became divided, and Julia Somis stood behind her son, Alexander,

stood behind her son, Alexander, while Julia Mesa and Julia Mamia supported Ali Anux. So the only person who was standing behind Elagabalus was his mother, Julia Samanis, and his grandmother, Julia Mesa, and Julia Mamia, who was the mother of Alexander, stood behind his cousin. So what happened was on March 11th, everything bad happens in March. Fucking quarantine, fucking the murder of Elagabalus. Elagabalus ordered the execution of his cousin Alexnias because he thought he was a rival to the throne. But what happened was the Praetorian Guard, they refused. They had had enough of this fucking wild kid and they supported Alex Nias instead. They may have been bribed by, you know, Julian Mesa's money or whatever, who knows. But on March

13th, while at the Praetorian Guard camp, Elagabalus and his mother were fucking stabbed to death, beheaded, dragged through the streets of Rome, and fucking dumped into the Tiber River. And his 18-year-old fucking 19-year-old life was over. And es lo que es. Because make no mistake, the good, good, good news is, is that your great, great late father, Chris Pappas, is partying right now with Agabalas in the gay part of heaven that's a guarantee they're having a good time now here's my gene

pool now that i went when i'm in government though huh what he's on his cabinet though he's not in his cabinet no he's not in his fucking cabinet no the um when i looked at my 23andMe, I mean, all my genes are Italian. I'm like 26% Italian, Greek. I got some Syrian. I got some Mesopotamian. I think I am a Roman. All my genes are from this area. And make no mistake, I mean, while you were up there in Germany dancing around in a straw skirt and eating the pig's penis or whatever, however you guys survived, I was a civilized kid banging out boys with no balls. Because I was eating Haas and Pfeffer and you were just being a sandal monkey running around Rome. A sandal monkey's a 10. It's a 10.

Anybody from Rome's a sandal monkey. Yeah, anyone from Greece or Rome, I mean, yeah, we're just sandal monkeys. Yeah, you guys are sandal monkey's a 10. It's a 10. Anybody from Rome's a sandal monkey. Yeah, anyone from Greece or Rome, I mean, yeah, we're just sandal monkeys. Yeah, you guys are sandal monkeys. Yeah, I mean, I was running around just being a sandal monkey, and you were running around out there just with a fucking straw shirt, no shirt on, long blonde hair. I mean, you know, you guys were fucking wild because you're a Germanic kid, and I'm a Greek kid, and you're on the frontier,

and I just got to go up there and fucking chop you and your tribe down to keep you out i gotta keep you and your vandals out of my fucking empire because i need to just eat boys yeah just eat boys because it doesn't matter i may be from the germanic north and you're from the sandal south but when you kill us when you kill us our bodies ain't worth nothing but $3 either way, whatever way you slice it. Whatever way you slice this down, it's never going to be an even number. You're going to get $3.

Yeah, you're going to get $3. Here's what it is. Me plus you, that's one plus one equals three. Yeah, one plus one equals three for us. We're one full fucking $3 bell. $3 bell. $3 bell. Guys, as always, historyonheaters.com for all our merch, T-shirts, and everything we got over there, historyonheaters.com.

Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. We have so much extra content on Patreon.com right now. It's like the values you guys are getting are wild. You get a morning show every single day called Weapon in the Morning. You get a show once a week or once a month called No Nets where we go wild with one comedian. We ask them questions that they're like tightrope walking without a net. You get an extra bonus episode. You get the episodes days before anybody else.

Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. We truly do have, I think, the best value on the market right now. And we get, when you become a member, we read your name, as we're going to read some members of the new matriarchy. Right now, we read your name on an episode. We encourage you guys to make a funny name that makes us laugh, and the winner will get the PPW, the pseudopenis of the week. And we have a good time with it.

If you don't want to make a funny name, you don't have to, but it is encouraged. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. Yeah, I mean, you've got to join Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. It's a community over there. The fans interact with one another. We have a blast. We read your comments.

We take your suggestions. Shows strictly for you. It's a very pure model. It keeps us wild, uncensored. We appreciate the support. You're a member of our cackle. You're a part of the matriarchy. This is a whole movement and we appreciate

it so much, man. Each and every one of you. And stay, if you guys, on Patreon.com, the prices are going up next month, so stay on with us. Don't cancel. Stay on because the prices are only going up because demand is getting higher, and we just really appreciate all the support. So I'm going to start reading the names,

and then whichever ones we really like, we put them on the list for possible PPWs. Emperor Yanni, you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Okay, so we got Matthew Sotareks. Then we got Jerry Tranny with a fanny Sandusky. It's a goodie. It's a Drexler. It's an NIT tournament, but good job.

Then we got make no mistake, Billy Burr hates Yanni more than Theo Vaughn's mommy. Only cure is that lakeside honey for that cute poop shoot from 2020. I mean, he went for it but you know yeah then we got adam is a grower not a shower johnson it's straight to the point then we got davos lilybeth matt then we got Sandro Sancioni I mean it's a hilarious name

I mean just fucking dunk that kid in tomato sauce the kid's a sauce monkey bet then we got Amanda Gale Dylan Desvians then we got Steve look mom no fumes Carter good one look mom no fumes that's what that's a good one. Look Mom No Fumes.

That's a simple and original. I got to put him on the list for the simplicity of it. We call that a chicken finger. It's simple. It's original. Exactly. It's a chicken finger. Make No Mistake, My Name is Carl.

Then we got Seth. Then we got This is the Train to Ronkoma. Then we got Bill, Scott Turnbull, Lil Pump. Then we got Chrissy, Go Grab My Tunic or I'll make you my eunuch. Thanks for the bill. Throw them right on the list. Throw them right on the list. Yeah.

Then we got, I crop dust myself. I bet Chrissy D's poop shoot is top shelf. Drexler. Then we got call me Yanni because I zoom in on women's feet and move the monkey. It's what it is. Yeah, I mean, pull out the catapult and just throw them right in the list. They're right on the list. Then we got Al Pacifico.

Then we got sniff my seat, tickle my feet, and give me some lakeside maple to eat. Yeah, I mean, on the list. I knew it when you started it. Throw him on the list. He's in the you started it. Throw him on the list. He's in the lead. Yeah. Then we got Georgie, and I'm into dudes, but make no mistake,

I'm ready for some Yanni nudes so his bearded cheeks can get glued. It's got to go on the list. Is this going to be one of those all-star lists? We're going to be here all day? It looks like it, yeah. Then we got Bobby Tate, dylan brown then we got todd used to be a diehard fan then i discovered flagrant too s lo ks down to you okay funny but he's it's a drexler yeah um then we got page tortellini tush thomas then we got uh gabriella chrissy come to texas and catapult

inside me mar Marquez. It's a Drexler, but it's a good one. I mean, it's an offer is what it is. Yeah, it's more of an offer. Then we got Timmy, my piece, Thinny, because I'm a potato monkey and my dad's a squeak gallagher. You know where he goes. On the list. Connor A. Dyer, EPTV.

Then we got Justin Leroy, but with a name like this, I check White Daniels. Oh, God. On the list. Yo, they're giving us a fucking Yanni Long Day here. It's going to be a long day. Put him on the list. He's on the list. That might be close to the lead now.

I mean, that's what you call a chicken finger. Simple and good. Yeah. Then we got Nicholas Rodriguez, Andrew Kloos, Norm 2020. Then we got Jesse, make no mistake, I have a Chode, Gowodes. Strolls, 24. Michael Hayes, Joe Henderson, Sam Martin. Then we got Duncy trying to sniff Maurice's monkey, McClellan.

Drexler. Good one though. Drexler. Sniff is a funny word when people say sniff. Sniff is a funny, I mean, you're a kid who went around, sneaking around sniffing people's feet. That's a true story. You, you were, you were never going to do anything except comedy or be in a mental institution. Yeah, it's what it is. I sniff feet, Mike sniffs seats, and Benetia sniffs coke.

No, guys, stop. No, guys, stop. Stop. No, yeah. Yes and no. Yes and no. Okay. Then we got Daniel Wood,

Abdullah Aldahani, Brandon Murphy, Caleb Combs. Then we got Father Bill made me spores, Mystic River style, S-O-K-S It's a goodie It's a top notch Drexler

Then we got CY Then we got Toots M. Goots, Sliding My Little Poop Shoot The poop shoots, I don't know where the fuck they come from Then we got All One Word, Move My Monkey Till Marisa Make No Mistake Then we got J.P. Turco Then we got All One Word, Move My Monkey to Marisa, Make No Mistake. Then we got JP Turco.

Then we got Lem Suck Dick. Then we got Victoria from California, still paid $5 and can't afford to pay more. Okay. You got to do it again because we broke up. You got to do it again. Victoria from California, still a toot because I only paid $5 and can't afford more to pay more. And can't afford to pay more. Okay.

It's good to know. Good to know. Thank you for your service, Victoria. Then we got Alex Radocchia. Then we got Andy Longday's former toot that would just be honored to be Clyde Drexler. That you are. You know what? He didn't deserve to make the list, but I'm throwing him on there because that's where

he wants to be. Yeah, there you go. Then we got Igor Jurojic. Wow, fucking Eastern European. Then we got Grace, Hugo Pineda, Andrew Happel, Vic Manchalo Ruvolo,

Margot Richter, Amanda Tumbarello. Then we got Ray. I named my fleshlight Chrissy D. Now I got a dick drip and a banco popular debit card yeah yeah i mean he's going over the wall into the list on the list you made it then we got dalton got a situation with the catapult candidate christy okay then we got uh danny g now a full-blown cuzzy, ladder 14.

Jeremy, make no mistake, want to be Chrissy Sissy if Aunt Yanni will be my mommy, McPam. He may be in the lead. Jesus Christ, that was a good one. They've taken on the lead. Then we got Daniel Kaja Asfali. Then we got James, the full-blown Potato Monkey, but make no mistake, the fumes are still funky.

Sandusky, a lot of 14. Good one. Good one. Mouthful. Good one, though. Then we got Dominican Toot Cracker with the Hooded Glue Cranker. Then we got Make No Mistake, I Cracked Open My Ex, and she asked why it smells like tuna because she has fumes.

Then we got Chrissy, the friendly neighborhood spousal monkey, Santana. Then we got Brady Caldwell, Zippor Avanchian, Adam Capone, Charlie Vaughn, Brian Westlake Chris Dianni Chris D Chris D, Yanni P Mike D, Venity Look at my hairy Mediterranean B He went for it

Chrissy Kaziwazi Shannon Echevarria Zach B, Greg Agpop Long time too, took a pandy to cough up $5, it's what it is. Andres Perez. Cesar Valenciano. You called the pandemic a pandy. You called the pandemic a pandy. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. I missed that one. It's a goodie. It's a goodie. Almost good enough for a Drex. Took a pandy to cough. It's funny. Yeah.

Then we got Brittany Hoffman. Setetti Larsson, former Swedish piece, Till 23 and Me, Deutschland Forever, Hail Chrissy, All right. Okay. Yeah, we don't encourage that. We move right past those. Yeah. Then we got Rogan and Mancia 69ing. It's a goodie.

It's good. Then we got Hamhead, Caitlin Curry, Jock Pelham. Then we got Cutie with the smoothie, finally, and non-tutie. Then we got Chead, Caitlin Curry, Jock Pelham. Then we got cutie with the smoothie. Finally, a non-tutti. Uh, then we got cucks for Trump 2020. Um,

then we got black people poop white. Um, what that means. I mean, yeah, I mean, you know, just go for it.

I mean, what, just go with it. That was what you call first thing that came to your head. Then we got Matt Robledo. Then we got Lucas, AKA just another crowd cutie making reputation payments to my,

I'm sorry. Lucas, aka just another crowd cutie making reparation payments to my favorite FFs because make no mistake, some squeak eating a bat. There you go.

Michael Brunson, Ari Goldberg. Then we got short but thick piece, hair full of greets It's the Italian way Excessive fumade On the list Then we got Michael Piggott

Cameron Jesse Zambrano Then we got Then we got Jay Hitler built nice roads And had cute uniforms Trump 2020 We don't know how to condone that, but your name is red. Then we got Eric.

Then we got I'm a bean, but make no mistake. Hold on. I'm a bean, but make no mistake. Mike's the first one over the wall, Trump 2020. Then we got Rob. A que pasa mi gente, but wide enough to marry into a potato monkey family and now I vote to the right Acevedo. Pretty good. I mean, I think if he would have got

a smoother read, I mean, it's a long one, but I mean, he said I'm a que pasa mi gente. He said, Rob, I'm a que pasa mi gente but wide enough to marry into a tomato and potato monkey family and now I vote to the right Acevedo. Yeah, I mean, it enough to marry into a tomato and potato monkey family. And now I vote to the right, Acevedo.

Yeah, I mean, it's good enough for a Drex. Drexler. Then we got Brandon Banker, Kyle Butterfield, Cole Hopkins. We got Sam. I haven't been cracked open and cleaned down so long. My heart is judging itself, Gubera. Then we got Young Nut. You got to do another read because it broke up.a. Then we got Young Nothing. You got to do another read

because it broke up. Okay. Then we got Sam, I haven't been cracked open and cleaned out in so long, my hymen is regenerating itself, Gubera. Very funny.

Then we got Young Nothing, Jason, Jack Bureto, Harris Severino. Then we got Austin, I've got fumes because I'm half Italian Heisler. Then we got Kevin Parker,

Matt, Eric, Matt Galanti, Graham Thornton, Dana Myers, Twist2k, Gomez, Jamie Paul, Chase Esme, Daniel Mack. Then we got Sergio Shabbat Bonilla, a.k.a. Padre Jose's Laptostones. Then we got, hey, I know it's been a while, but have you been tested? Drexel. Then we got, hey, I know it's been a while, but have you been tested? Drexel. Then we got Tom, Jaden Stewart, Jake Wozniak. Then we got Gene, the G.I. Joe, and Chrissy's Poop Shoot pressed up against Gianni's skin flute bell. Fucking skin flutes and poop jutes.

Love it. Then we got Jackson Barnett, Ant Gentile, Sebastian Shear, W, John Chase, Emery Geyer. Then we got Matt, not an FF, but make no mistake, I'd like Chrissy Lickface yogurt off my uncut polished ween to end this quarantine. It's what it is, baldaga. I mean, the kid wrote a rap song about it, so he's got to be a Drexler. Drexler.

Then we got Christian from PR, but soon to be Christina Sofrito Fumes Medina. Drex. Then we got DP43, Yasmin Ghaznavi. Then we got Linda Stefano's pool boy. I don't know who he's referring to. I don't know. It's a good name, but guess what? He's going

right on the fucking list for that one. Right on the list. Then we got Gavin Donald, Megan, Kenny Logan, Michael. Then we got Sama Lama Ding Dong. Then we got COVID negative Eastern Hemi with a Perma Semi. Lilo Ringer, Cassie, Paul Schlin, Matt, Blake Powell, Mikey, Make Me Fucky, Belmo. Then we got Nick, the character piece, Clark,

Hunter, Zeibelmeyer. Two German. Then we got KKGG. Then we got I'm a Little Teapot, Short and Stout, Crack Me Open and Clean Me Out. We've had that one before. We read it on another thing. I got a good memory for these people.

Yeah, it was a song. Then we got Steve, Make No Mistake, I Will Tongue Punch, Chrissy's Fumed Up, Post Jim Taint Chores. Then we got Ashoka. Then we got Muzzy with an Uzi, Even Though We're Invented by Juzzies, Galdonfi 2020. He went for something there. I don't know what it was.

Then we got Melissa Lopez, Jay Ampingelo, Cody Sheck, Eric Aldamez, Leland Lively, Zach Barron, Alfred W. Gillette. Then we got JD,

the back end of the human centipede with Chrissy D, Yanni P, Light of 14. It's a character piece from 2020. I think he could, if he had stopped a little earlier, he would have made the list.

Yeah. Yeah. Then we got Clay Straight not gay But I can't wait for Christy D To dilate and marinate my prostate I mean That's a type of kid Who goes right onto the fucking list

You go onto the list Then we got My dick is coughing from the Rona Cliff McCarthy Then we got Here for the content Nicholas Hall Brie Boyer

Glenn Reed Kevin Guzman Then we got BKkr frenchie straight to the back for snack uh jill now warnsky ryan gonzalez then we got shawnee is this kid irish or has an extra 21st chromosome burn uh then we got b julianne evelyn marmota investments norwegian in the back for content then we got jan Janus Pompous' Foot Doctor. Then we got Kaylee, Chrissy Crout Monkey, Road Straight to the Backparks.

Whoa, whoa. Road Straight to the Backparks. Whoa, whoa. Yeah. That's originality. That's a 10 on the originality scale. Put him to the front of the list. Wow.

Mikey, do I have to do the whole list or what are we doing two ten more okay then we got george eater then we got skin flute then we got skin flute skin flute skin flute it's a drexler just for the just for the troll then we got sam chrissy d's taint stank ain't enough, get him out of my wank bank. Then we got James Ego, Stephen Rowe, John Edgar, TJ Scott, Bryce B, Scott B, then we'll end with Giannis' farts are

work of art, but make no mistake, Chrissy's lunch lady glutes make him look like a toot. We ended it with a nice, funny Drexler. I gotta say there was a few funny Drexler I gotta say there was a few funny ones real funny but I'm gonna go with a chicken

finger probably the best chicken finger I've ever tasted is Rosa straight to the back parks I mean that is original it's not as hilarious as the other ones but the inventive points you gotta say that's your PPW of the week. Yeah, that one I agree.

I like that one. We haven't had something that simple and good in a long time. Yeah, I mean, there were some goodies, make no mistake. I mean, but that one just stopped me in my tracks for the originality points. Yeah, it's kind of a 10. Yeah, so there you have it. Congratulations to all the people who made the list. The Drexlers, we love each and every one

of you guys. Thanks for being a member of the matriarchy. All those people's names we read means that they joined our Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys channel and they're enjoying all the bonus content that's up there. Let me let you know, we're two years in now, so if you're just listening to

this for the first time if you join the patreon i mean there it's unheard of how much content you can binge on it goes all the way back to the beginning where we're doing bonus uh ladder 14 episode i mean the list goes on of content that's up there for you to binge on so yeah i mean go and and it's not even like, the beautiful thing about Patreon is everything's out in the open, so go check what you get with other Patreons versus what we give you,

and you make the choice. I mean, I think you'll see we're giving you guys a great, great value because we truly love doing it, so we hope you guys are enjoying it. Yeah, we always say just go talk to the other Patreon members

and ask them if they love it because we know that they're going to tell you how great it is, and it's been spreading by spreading. It's been spreading by the most organic way, which is word of mouth. And that makes me so happy that like you guys are our marketers for us.

You tell other people about it. So thank you for that. And it's because of you, we're able to continue to grow. So you're a part of this. You're a part of the growth, and thank you so much. Thank you, Bubba's. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. History

at Henus.com. No nets. This Thursday at 7.30 p.m. with Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. No nets. It's going to be a fucking wild one Thursday, 3.30 p.m. What's up, everybody? Buenos noches.

Good morning, buenos tardes. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches.

Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches.

Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches.

Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches.

Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches.

Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches.

Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Buenos noches. Good morning, everybody. Guess who it is? It's your two favorite, very flawed people. That's why you love us so much. We're just like you. We're really flawed and normal. Yeah, we're flawed. We're flawed. We're normal. We're nothing.

Are you having a stroke? Yeah, I'm pulling a Ryan Seacrest, and I'm on Xanax, or I'm having a stroke. I mean, yeah, that was the big video yesterday. It is Ryan Seacrest having a stroke. I say no. I think he might just be on pills a little bit. And what can you do?

And listen, the truth of the situation. Yeah, it's my daughter's birthday. It's the BAPI's birthday. So there's going to be a lot of screaming. There's a fiesta. There's yeah, there's going to be it's going to get wild that today the hallway is rented out for a birthday party, not a wedding. Yeah.

I mean, here's the thing about a Puerto Rican party or a Puerto Rican household. There's going to be noise. There will be noise. Yeah. You guys are never going to sit down and watch a classical music concert and not be asked to leave. Yeah, it's just what it is. Yeah, there's going to be noise, and it doesn't matter.

It's for a five-year-old. There is Coquito around always. Yeah, I mean, there's just – you can't take a Puerto Rican family to go see a play on Broadway because you will be asked to leave. Yeah. There will be noise and clapping and applauding and a couple of wepas that will be said just when people get excited because Puerto Ric Ricans and Greeks, we're emotional people who just get excited for no reason. And we like to break stuff off our heads or throw things.

Yeah, it's what it is. But you know what? It's both very beautiful cultures, very beautiful people. And yeah, today's my baby. She's five years old. And it's been the greatest five years of my life. Yeah. Let's just be crystal clear about something.

You've been trying to get off the island your whole life, too, because you are as pale. I mean, you look like an advertisement for Hitler Youth. You're as pale as a snow monkey gets. And make no mistake, your whole life, all you're looking for is a swarthy. You just want to get your pauper paws you're looking for is a swarthy you just want to get your pauper paws on anything that looks a little swarthy i was anything that gets a little swarthy uh and i was really really really close um to get to having a situation named janice papas but then unfortunately you met your wife and she stole you right from under me.

Yeah. You know what you're a sneaky little screwed in kid who will find loopholes in that and you get in however you can. I mean you'll just you'll be under the windows, you'll be on the windows, you'll be by my feet, you'll be in my book bag, you're just gonna be in my apartment while I sleep in Bay Ridge. You're gonna find ways to sniff my scent. You sniff the scent and I will always find a way. It's because you're like a Jew. You find loopholes. I find loopholes

and because, make no mistake, there will be a day, there will be a day where Venetia's father opens the door and it is revealed that I am in fact

Venetia's brother's new girlfriend. So... Yeah, I hope you're enjoying our episode is up right now. I mean, it was one of my favorite of all time. Ella Bolibius, or whatever his fucking name is, the most wild Roman emperor that goes unknown

because he had a quick run. I mean, they were wild back then. We enjoyed that episode. Hope you're enjoying it. Hope you're enjoying being a Patreon member. You will be. Listen, Chrissy's raising the prices. We're raising the prices.

But listen, if you are watching WEPA in the morning right now, you will be able to watch WEPA in the morning for the rest of your life. We're going to continue to do it daily. We're having so much fun. You are grandfathered in at your price, but make no mistake, at billing cycles first day next month, to get this show, video is going up to 10. And if you want an audio, it will be five.

If you're watching it right now, you are grandfathered in. You will always get this. Lucky you for getting in early. That's what it is. It's what it is. But, yeah, no, we got to pay. We got to raise the price. There's babies to pay for.

So what can you do? It's nothing to do. And we also want to take we want to take mike and venetia on a class trip so we want to fund that we're going to take obviously the world's closed so we're going to take them on a nice trip to like indianapolis or something but eventually we will take them somewhere really really fucking nice and uh the patreon provides that so bubba's i love i love each and every single one of our fans um and you know nobody even really gets mad uh if we forget to read their name

or we don't reach out to them. They're pretty chill, pretty cool. So we appreciate it. Except for a couple. There's a couple of just assholes, but they're giving $10, so we let them stay. Well, what you're saying is there's more than a few, but we don't have to hear for it. It goes to Mikey, and he feels it, and Mikey gets the stress over it.

Everything goes to Mikey. Mikey, make no mistake, Mikey's our, he's like our bodyguard, you know? He stands in front and takes a lot of bullets. Yesterday I saw on the community board, they were giving him bullets because they were saying he didn't know how to pull up a thing when really he was just requesting what we wanted.

Now let me just, Mike, can I ask you a question? I'll ask you a question. And then, Finitia, I'm gonna ask you a question. So first, Mike, if we were to take you guys you a question i'll ask you a question and then venetia i'm gonna ask you a question so first mike um if we were to take you guys on a school trip like where would be somewhere that you want to go obviously outside of venezuela and europe city where do you want to go what's the place that you would like to go uh the godiva chocolate factory there you go there you go that's good we could do that yeahucker and fuck its ass.

And Vanity, where would you like to go? V, V, yeah, V, hold on. If we were to take a school trip, like, for real, like, I'm here for it, and we actually even invited, like, your friend that we met the other day who is totally fucking chill and cool and fucking totally knows Sal's and Carmine's pizza. When you guys were fucking chilling in her APT up in Harlem smoking weed. Where would you want us to

take you with We Can All Be Perea? For Perea, I think we should go to Mexico and go check out the ancient ruins. That'd be cool. Wow. Fucking great. Yeah, but what if, yeah, but no, because then we'll get kidnapped. We're going to get kidnapped. How are we going to get out of that?

We have to, then we'd have to dip it to the Patreon money to pay the ransom. Yeah. No, Benetton would find a way out of it. Like she'd find a way out of it. Mike would die. Mike would be beheaded. And in the, in the news, it would say, history hyenas, Chris and Giannis, some F F list celebrities from their podcast were almost kidnapped. Person they were with, Mexican dies. One Mexican dead.

Yeah, that's what they'd say. Not even a name. Benetia would fucking give them a couple of Yaya's cookies and get us out of it. It's what it is. And by the way, Yaya's cookies underwear coming your way soon. By the way, Yaya's cookies will be on sale on our Patreon for a dollar each. Let's get that fucking old woman working. Let's go.

Let's go. Benatia, is there a chance we could get Yaya on NoNets? Is it possible? I was choked on my coffee. Yeah. Can we get Yaya on NoNets? Yeah, we'll ask Yaya to come on at No Nets. I mean, that'd be wild.

Yeah, either that or we're going to fucking make her start making cookies for our fans. I mean, we got to put her to work. Yeah, every Greek is fucking getting to work. Just imagine that this podcast is a diner. Everybody's working. We'll put you behind a fucking cash register. That's why you're behind the cash register, V. Yeah, she's the daughter.

She's the daughter. She just deals with it. Yeah, you're Chris's new wife, but he can't joke about that anymore. He just can't joke about that anymore. Yeah, I can't joke about it. That's why I said, marry your brother. Okay, let's get to the headlines.

Today, Trump said he takes the malaria job, hydrochloroquine, every day to protect against the virus. I mean, what are you doing, Trumpy? Guy, I mean, yeah, Guy, I mean, the K-Middle is taking preventative drugs. You know, it's one of these things. I would just, if I could say something to Donald Trump, you know what it would be? By the way, I just want to say real quick, we're 10 minutes into the show and forgot to put on our backgrounds. It's SLO-KS.

It's SLO-KS. We forgot. Yeah, we forgot. Let me get you something, Chrissy. Megan Thee is doing a fucking pedicure and she forgot to remind us. Yeah. Chrissy, if you were to guess the one thing I would say to Donald Trump, what do you think it would be? The one thing I would say.

I would think the first word might be shut and the last word might be off. Yeah, take your fucking shirt off. Shut the fuck up and take your fucking shirt off. Stop talking. Stop fucking talking because there's a global pandemic. Stop being

fucking stupid. I mean, what is he doing guy? He's taking preventative malaria drugs. If you want to take them, that's no problem at all. But don't announce to the public that you're taking them because now people are going to start drinking water out of their fish tanks again and starting to eat fish food and killing themselves. Yeah. I mean, he just doesn't understand. And also this isn't a proven thing, right? It's some people believe it might, but not in all cases. It's kind of like it. Right. It can certainly work. It's been proven to work for some people, but not

the norm. And it can absolutely have negative effects on people. That's, you know, according to the doctors. Because now I've decided to get my news from Dr. Andrew Agos and Dr. Lukey Saigon, as opposed to listening to anybody from any news source. I just don't care what they have to say at all anymore. So anything I see in the headlines that's weird, I ask the doctors and I get their opinions. And I asked Lukey about this and he said it's stupid. But it does work.

Yeah, I mean, our president, make no mistake, I don't know how you vote or whatever. It doesn't matter. Look, you know, I'm not a political, I don't vote. I don't vote and I like to make fun of both sides. But our president is fucking stupid. He's a stupid kid. Why don't you vote?

I mean, you just pissed off Venetia and the younger generation by not voting. Venetia, how do you feel about Giannis not voting? I'll tell you why. Because I live in New York. No, she doesn't like it. My vote for the federal level, you know, for the President of the United States, it's going to go blue. It's just not even close. So my vote doesn't really count. I know, hey, if everyone thought that, but hey, I don't vote as part of my job. That's the way I look at

it. I have sort of approach. George Carlin is one of my heroes. Like, I like to look at both sides and find the foibles in both sides. So I abstain from voting as part of my job. And I think that comedians should get a pardon because our job is not to pick a side. Our job is to constantly keep both sides honest. And that's what's happened recently in comedy before this pandemic was people were making a living over picking a side because they weren't as good as Jon Stewart at doing it. And so it just became this fucking shit show of a of a of a of a artistic field where everyone was just politicizing their humor. I'm glad it's over, baby. Yeah, me too. I'm glad it's over.

But if you do vote this this year, remember to vote right. Okay. That would be funny if we just clipped that. Yeah. Because, you know, there's so many clips in this, someone could edit you. Someone could create an evil Chris. Someone could take, like, little clips

from all the footage we've done and put together a thing that makes you look like Yala Yamanopoulos. Yeahos yeah yeah but what can you do it's all make sure you put in if you do make the clip it's all a character piece character piece his name is patrick moroni yeah cuz yeah so um ariana grande and justin bieber uh are pissed off at Tekashi69 because Tekashi69 said they bought the number one billboard spot. Now here's the thing about this. It's just the same thing when people win Oscars.

The truth is, Tekashi69 is not lying. They probably did buy the number one billboard spot because that's just the way it works. It's like a lot of the public, when I got into entertainment I started to see the real bullshit that goes on and how none of this is real it's all paid for it's all pr none of it is real it's like the the public i and i had no idea either i just would watch tv or watch it when

you'd be like oh this is real or they really mean what they say or they deserve to win the award or they got the number one spot because the most people listening to it none of it's real it's all paid for by a pr machine and takashi69 is i mean yeah he's is he causing problems by saying it sure because he's upsetting apple cart a little bit but the kid is not lying i i he's not lying no i mean he's a wild kid he's a crazy kid his music is garbage but the truth is i mean he's attention seeker and an attention seeker, and he's a real symptom of this fucking age we live in of clicks. But yeah, he's telling the truth. I didn't know it either. I was much like Chris.

I was naive. But it's like, yeah, the Oscars are paid for by the studios. It's all a publicity stunt. It's a show. It's all a show. So the kid is absolutely 100% not lying. And the way you know it's true is because Arianna Grande and Justin Bieber responded and like with these long rationalizations.

And there's an old Shakespeare quote that goes a little something like this. Thou doth protest too much. Yeah. And if you guys heard that quote, get out your fudgey yogurts because that's what you are. Yeah. No, because I know you're from a neighborhood that makes me a Fonji yogurt. That just means I'm a kid who read a book. Yeah, but to me, books, you stick one up your ass.

Right, Alan Bill? Yeah, but yeah, it's all bullshit, man. It's all fucking bullshit. That's what makes the podcast thing so pure and good is because you guys there's no hype here you're telling friends it's word of mouth it's real this is real this is real and just to make sure that you tell your friends that they better cough up 10 instead of 5 if they want to get the visual of weapon star on june 1st but not you guys um so yeah so um i just think yeah i think like that's takashi 69 even though i know there's

annoying things i think what he i think it's fine it's like yeah the people should know what the truth is like enough with the bullshit i was really like mystified when i saw when i got into entertainment i was like oh none of this has ever been real none of this is real at all like you know you see like even like when you know a couple weeks ago when we're talking about ellen you know my mother was so shocked oh my god i it's there that can't be true what they say about Ellen it's like yeah of course it's true how do you think these people got to positions of power they cut people's throats I mean what do you it's but it's just it's innocent the people are innocent but it's like yeah this is how it works babies yeah it's fine it's just like you know what don't run your mouth and pretend like

you know if you if you're gonna look down at podcasts or whatever it's like hey that was 100% organically earned through talent especially if there was no you know machine behind it at all um you know you could you know just like you know don't run your fucking mouth so much if the machine made you because like the machine made you so it doesn't mean you're not good but it's like you know what i mean don't look down at other shit you know because because it's fucking organic because it's from an organic garden and it doesn't mean you're not good but it's like you know i mean don't look down at other shit you know because because it's fucking organic because it's from an organic garden and it didn't have pesticides on it or fucking uh a stimulus check from the government to make sure the farm survived you know what i'm saying yeah yeah i'm speaking in code but yeah yeah because yeah i know what you're saying i know what you're saying but yeah i got an snl audition next week so i can't say anything yeah just fucking you know stop running your fucking mouth so much here we go you can't

be arrogant if you were made by the machine what can you do um here you go english english police find giant penis drawing in field while searching for subject. Now, Mike, I didn't know you went to England. Yeah, I mean, do you think this is just Photoshopped in the post? Because I got to say, we've had a couple articles like this, and they're all in the post, the New York Post, which has never really been America's finest news outlet. Do you think this is real? I mean, look at the penis.

Does that not look photoshopped to you it looks photoshopped and his balls look heart-shaped so this guy's full of love do you guys think this is a real story or do you think the post just goes you know what let's just throw it out there yeah i think the post might just say let's throw it out there i mean it's all fake news but i mean because that kid's got a hog i mean make no mistake with a penis like that he's somebody like that he would get to the high ranks of el el gabeles's uh cabinet when you guys hear the el gabeles episode some of you may already have we talked about how he would appoint the you know ancient roman emperor

from 222 ad would appoint men to high positions in his cabinet based off their penis size and make no mistake if you got one if you got a wanker like this, you may become the emperor yourself. Yeah. If somebody did do this, just did it on the hopes that whatever was flying by would see it, I mean, hats off to you. That's the type of humor and stuff that makes living on this planet fun. So if this is real, hats off.

If it's fake, you know what? Fucking hats off to the New York Post. It's a harmless fake news story. And the New York Post has always been the New York Post. It's a harmless fake news story. And the New York Post has always been the New York Post. It's what it is. I don't mind it. I don't mind it.

I think it's funny. What if it's a mushroom? Yeah. It may not be a penis. It could look like kidneys. It could look like a little scientific tube. Yeah, it could be a mushroom. I don't know, Bubba's, but I just know that I want to get on a flight to England and get my mouth around the tip.

Let me ask you this question. Would you rather have a skinny and long or more of a girthy and stumpy? I'd rather... And what do you have? Because I've only seen your soft. Mike, why don't you tell them what I have?

I have... I have a vagina. No, I would say I have skinny and long. Mikey, what do you got? Have you seen it recently? Not recently. Not recently. Yanni, what do you got? I got more of a, it's average both ways.

Yeah. You know, it's like, it's not too thick, not too skinny, not too average both ways. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's not too thick, not too skinny, not too long, not too small. You know, it's Yanni almost.

It's just Yanni almost. Yanni almost for sure. It's just a normal, we're just too normal, flawed. Make no mistake. Cause I figured out who me and you are. Yeah.

Very, what makes us funny and what people really like about us is they seeing us. We're flawed. We're flawed kids. We're flawed kids. I'm daddy almost, and you're Chrissy pretty close. Yeah, Chrissy pretty close. Pretty close, Chrissy.

We're long-distance kids. Like, if Anitia and her friends were walking by, and they walk, they're dope. Like, oh, look at those. And as we get closer, and we pass, and they go, eh, and just keep walking. That's what it would be. We're just not perfect looking kids. We're not perfect kids in our decisions. Yeah, when you talk to us, when you're up close and personal with us,

you're just a little bit like, you know, they're not as cute as I thought they were, but they're okay. Yeah, I got a message for any potential stalkers that come down the road. Let me explain something to you, guy. We're never – if you want to stalk us in the future when we get big, you're in for a fucking long day because we're going to follow you, and I'm going to fucking rant to you all my opinions. And make no mistake, you're going to fucking have to take Chrissy

for a little sweets tour, and he's going to – I mean, the kid – Chrissy is a fucking roller tour, and he's gonna, I mean, the kid, Chrissy is a, Chrissy is a fucking rollercoaster, babe. So if you wanna get on that ride, or you wanna get on my fucking long day ride, you're gonna be fucking begging the police for us to leave you alone. Yeah, it's gonna be one of those things. If you wanna try to tie us up and kidnap us,

good luck, because you're gonna be in for long rants about Giannis' geopolitical controversies, and I'm gonna try to wanna bite my toenail, so you're gonna wind up killing yourself. Yeah. So good luck. But yeah. One of these guys who said coronavirus was a fake crisis,

shout out Debo, he got infected and he issues a warning. So this kid was yelling about how corona is not real, and it's fake, and people are on ventilators or crisis actors and calling people Dr. Fucky and all that.

I mean, look, this kid's blown out. Cuz, I mean, this kid's got a blown out face. I mean, is this what I'm going to look like in 20 years? I mean, if America, I think when the Chinese draw a caricature of us

in their sort of secret communist magazines, you know, I think this is, like, you know how we used to make all those kind of racist cartoons of other nationalities when they make it of us now that they're kind of almost in control they're the new power this is what they probably make us look like yeah i mean that guy's got a fat fat fat fat fat face um it's pretty bad i mean people don't care about angles i mean i guess like this guy just doesn't care i mean if i had seven chins like that i just wouldn't post that this kid looks like he looks like he's a kid from like union town pa outside of pittsburgh and he

just can't keep his pauper paws out of the food in a sheets he goes to his sheets for breakfast lunch and dinner yeah sheets. Sheetz is where they know his name. He stops for gas and he gets a burger every single time. Cuz, let's be honest though,

after doing our $25 level Zoom calls, some of our Patreon members have this guy's face. I mean, we may have spoken to this guy at the $25 level.

This is the thing I truly love about our Patreon calls, our Zoom call episodes, is it's such a spin the wheel. It's a Chrissy spin the wheel. It's fun for me just to watch who's popping up. I almost like the Zoom calls better than the phone calls because, I mean,

we got some serious characters that listen to our podcast. Veneti, at what level, again, is the Zoom calls? I'm sorry. Now it's $50. $50. I'm sorry. So for $50 a month, you get everything on Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. You get every,

every single thing that we do. Plus we will call you on zoom and talk to you personally, $50 a month. Not a big deal. Not a big price, but yeah, let's listen. You get to be a part of that episode and it's fun for us to just see what

the fuck you look like. Yeah. We love seeing what you look like. Yeah. And make no mistake. If you're, if you're, if you're higher than a six,

Mike, we'll take a screenshot of your Zoom call. And it's just a risk you run. I mean, we're going to have to maybe do a little warning before, like rated R. We're just going to say rated Mikey emoji face. Mike move his monkey to a screenshot of you. Oh, you know what we haven't been doing because we haven't been in the studio

is Mike's emoji ratings. We got to get Mike's emoji face ratings back. We got to do that. And we'll ask him a question, and we'll just have him turn his camera on and it'll just be the face that he gives that story. Yeah, I mean, make no mistake, Mikey was really excited because he got a segment and then you just lost the rating polls.

Yeah, I did because my freaking kid happy birthday to my baby, she lost him. Yeah, by the way, everybody, happy birthday to the baby. Happy birthday, baby! The baby, it's her birthday she's yes feliz cumpleaños yeah today um cafe busta we're gonna get her some cafe bustelo and it's gonna be great should we play that video of that of that

guy's face or you want to just move on to the next story which one the guy because there was a video to oh yeah let's take a peek why not i mean how does he talk i want to do you think he has this guy's gonna have a little list by the way the people on patreon.com slash bay ridge boys saying they have a list i mean what are you talking about did i stroke out like ryan secrets because i don't have a list because you've been plant-based recently and you just look jaunt yeah okay yeah i look jaunt all right let's play this guy's face look at yannis's butt yeah i just farted out of my computer because it's wet butt in the morning.

All right, play that thing, Mikey. I mean, the Wi-Fi connection in San Antonio sucks. Oh, I thought it was a video. Oh, wow. Wait a video. Oh, wow. Wait a second. Wait a second. I don't want to see anybody go through what I went through.

I mean, cuz, that's a big looking kid. He was shaped like a pear. He was shaped like a pear? I mean, but that's, you know you know see i thought that he posted a video you know after he had recovered and is how happy and healthy thank god but the new york post posted his face like that so the new york post went through all his pictures and put that face up there i mean what a bunch of a double s holes because i can't i gotta spell because my kid can't spell yet yeah i mean the new york, otherwise known as Chrissy's Wall Street Journal. I mean,

every article you pick in our pre-production meetings for Weapon in the Morning is always from the New York Post. It's from the New York Post, yeah. It's just,

for me, it's just the free, it's the Republic's newspaper. Because are we the only morning show that does our morning show with morning hair? Yeah, we do it

with morning hair. And yeah, I'm not, we both don't have pants on right now. I'm in my undies. I'm in my undies too, and we do it with morning hair and yeah i'm not we both don't have pants on right now i'm in my undies i'm in my undies too and we're the only morning show you where we have we're the only morning morning show with bedhead yeah we got bedhead yeah so what can you do um okay so oh here we go a priest fired holy water through a squirt gun at his congregants um during the uh during a mass and you know because

he didn't want to you know actually touch people so he just got a super soaker and started drilling them with holy water so and he uh he definitely had the water guns uh laying around because that's what he was using to squirt at the kids that he made suck his dick yeah Yeah, I mean, is it surprising that a priest had some child toys laying around? Yeah, no, it's not. I mean, number one, that's not a Catholic priest. I mean, he's wearing a Greek priest hat. He's got one of those wild hats on. Oh, well, let's see.

Can we scroll down? Yeah, I think he's got one of those wild outfits on. He looks like sort of a Frank Sabine superhero. He looks like a Frank Sabine superhero. There's a good chance he's Orthodox. Oh no it's a catholic priest he served at san ambrose parish yeah in gross point park michigan okay yeah he was hitting people with the water gun yeah yeah i mean you could have you could have fucking blindfolded me and i would have pinned the tail on the donkey every time it's a catholic priest yeah guy's got a water gun his

name is mechanica or Kanaha or fucking Sullivan. Yeah. Yeah, I would have went through there no problem because make no mistake, it wouldn't have been the first time I was squirted on by a priest. Yeah, you would have had that gun squirted right into your asshole. It's what it is. What can you do? Happy Easter.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's the real story is why does a Catholic priest have a fucking water gun laying around? Yeah. So let's get to Franks and Beats Florida, because there's always just a story from Florida. There was massive block parties today and yesterday in Florida that ended in arrest and police injuries. So the Floridians just said, listen, we're going to have a block party. And then the cops came, and then some of the cops got their fucking asses kicked.

Because make no mistake, like we say almost every day in the show, they're on bath salts. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, what can you do? say almost every day in the show, they're on bath salts. Yeah, I mean, what can you do? I mean, what can you do, guy? What can you do? This looks like one of Benetia's birthday parties. We lost Yanni.

we lost Yanni but it's here are you down there oh no that could be why she hasn't turned on the camera she's in Florida yeah there you go I mean you know it's what can you do

nobody wants to listen to the experts I mean what can you, it's what can you do? Nobody wants to listen to the experts. I mean, what can you do? It's what it is. Yeah, it's just what it is at this point. It's what it is. You know, Florida, I mean, I think at this point just open up Florida. You know, the cases have all been around. I would open Florida wide up, get it to phase three, everything 100% open.

Because what's the point of doing anything else? Just let it rip. I think actually it's a really good idea. I think what you're proposing, I think we've proposed it before, but if we could formally, you know, if we could formally here, just comprehend, we could formally just map it out for you. Let's open Florida, open Florida completely, build a wall around it. so then we'll have an excuse to build a wall around florida which is what we want to do anyway build a wall around florida and use it as an american case study of what happens let it go through florida and whatever happens that'll dictate the policy for the rest of the country i think it's a perfect win-win if it works out good

then we know we can open up if it works works out bad, everyone in Florida is dead. Win. There you go. The governor DeSantis there, I mean, two months ago, he wanted to have a live WWE wrestling event. So let's put a ring around Florida and make it a big wrestling ring and let them go wild. Let them have a little coronavirus Royal Rumble. Why the hell not?

I say, why the fuck not? All right. Let's go to our work it girl. This is a good, good, good work it girl. Which second is this? Work it girl. Turn to the left. Work it girl.

Turn to the right. Do your thing on the runway. Cover girl. Work. Yes. Work it girl. Work. Kelly Rowland recently released her single, Coffee.

She recently, she had to release a song, and she called it Coffee, and I liked it. I think it's a good tune. Wait a second. Kelly Rowland is making music again? What happened? Let's look at the video and see why. Because work, girl. I held on to it because, I mean, I've done that with a lot of my music for quite a while because I was very particular after I had my son about like what I was saying and how good it was because I wanted to make him proud.

So I was extremely hard on myself. And it's so funny because I just started to let my friends and close family like hear music and they're just a little upset with me which I guess is a good thing and a bad thing because they're like why are you withholding the music like this you sound crazy like start releasing stuff you've lost your mind and so that's basically what happened I'm so excited to share it so okay I'm excited for this out girl they were sitting in the living room and her friends were like, girl, why are you not letting the world hear this? Girl, you are not, listen, you are not in Beyonce's shadow anymore

and you're definitely not Michelle Williams or whatever her name is. Girl, you were in Destiny's Kid or whatever the band's name was. I can't remember because Beyonce's so famous. Girl, how can you do this? Get your groove back, girl. Go out there and let the people hear your gift, girl.

Yeah. There you go. Yeah, Kelly Rowland released her song. It's Destiny's Child. Michelle Williams, Beyonce knows Kelly Rowland. Because I know all the singers of every group. I know the singers. I know their names.

You can never beat me on the FF scale. You'll never get more points than me yeah and because of that i just had an idea and it's we are the history hyenas and i'm adding something to the five thousand dollar member level when we get to five thousand dollar patreon members guys not only will we make the poughkeepsie video me mike and chris will do a destiny's child video yeah yeah we're gonna do a destiny's Child video. Yeah, yeah. We're going to do a Destiny's Child video. Yeah, and Homeless Pimp's going to film it for 50 bucks. Yes.

Stop telling them that. Yeah. What can you do? So, Work It Girl, welcome back, Michelle Williams. And also, a Wyoming strip club, a double Work It Girl, Wyoming strip club reopens with masks on, clothes off party. So, there you go. Yeah, I mean, this is your F&B.

I mean, I think the whole show is F&B today. But, I mean, this is funny. I mean, yeah. I mean, who's going to see these banditos? Yeah, who's going to see these banditos? Yeah, there you go. I mean, cuz, make no mistake, if we played the game right now, check Mikey's computer history, there would be map quests

to see how long it takes to get to Wyoming. Yeah, let's just say this is a really good opportunity for ugly strippers. This is a real good opportunity for the B and C team from Tuesday and Wednesday night to really shine on the weekend. Show your skills, girls. Ladies, listen, if you've got a rocking out body, but you also have crystal meth mouth, go to Wyoming because it'll be fine. Nobody's going to see your teeth.

This is a good time for you to shine girl get out there you are basically drew blood so's hurt you're tom brady go work it girl work um okay uh oh here we go we got a good tank stolen good news for today we got a good good good tank stolen good whenever you say that i think it's gonna be a positive republican story yeah we got yeah tank stolen good news We've declared war on China. No, thanks to all the good news is the gender, the UN just released the gender neutral language.

So while we're navigating this pandemic and this coronavirus and trying to, you know, keep our families safe and check our breathing and understand

all the new social distance guide rules after this pandemic, we have to remember to say the right words we have so let's read some of them out just so our patreon members and our members who are listening to this just any fans of the show know we don't want to see you get in trouble so let's hear the right words vanity can you read them would that be okay yeah okay okay can we see it too mike can you

mike can you pull that up on the screen i'd's jerking off to the strippers with manslaughter. The first one is police. I never got the link. I'm sorry. You don't have it? I have it. It's mankind. We should say humankind.

Chairman. Chair. Congressman. Legislator. Businessman. Representative. Policeman. Police officer. care congressman legislator businessman representative policeman police officer landlord owner boyfriend girlfriend partner salesman salesperson manpower workforce work name family name fireman firefighter and and last, husband, wife, spouse. That's what it should be, spouse. Okay, yeah.

I'll just say this. Besides Chris's cousin, because she's strong and can beat the shit out of him, if there's a fucking fire, I want firemen to show up. Leave your fucking firefighters to go see what happens when there's a cat in a tree. Bring me fire fucking men. And ladies, when there's a fucking calendar that you want to flick your bean to, don't lie. You want to see fire men. You're the fire men.

Yeah. Yeah, honey. I mean, yeah. If I'm ever in a fire and a woman shows up, I'm going to be like, honey, what do you want me to do? There's flames everywhere. Why don't you crack an egg and make me an omelet? I'll wait for the guys to show up. Yeah. What do you want me to do? There's flames everywhere. Why don't you crack an egg and make me an omelet? I'll wait for the guys to show up. Yeah, if someone breaks into fucking our home

when me and Chrissy moved in together and finally become the gay couple we're destined to be, if somebody breaks in, we call the cops. Don't send any police officers. I want a police man to show up, please. Yeah, I need a police. You want to know what? What are the chances that there's a woman

breaking into my house? Yeah, I need a man to come in and get that robber off me. I don't need a woman to come in there and just try to emotionally get in his head for an hour. Yeah. Thank you, fucking United Nations, for really focusing on the important issues during a global pandemic. focusing on the important issues during a global pandemic. How do you release this on your Twitter as the United Nations during a global pandemic with a straight face? What the fuck is going on in the world?

How do you think that anyone is ever going to care about that? It's never going to be cared about besides like four people in fucking Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Shut the fuck up and take your fucking shirt off. Yeah, every United Nations country right now, take it off. Yeah. Okay, let's get to our last thing of the day. We've given you a long good one because it's the BAPI's birthday.

Let's give our thirst trap out now. Are we going to go Ryan Seacrest or Mateo Lane? I mean, I say we just flip a coin. Let me just flip. Let's go fucking Mateo Lane. Let's spin the wheel and see if he's got one up there. I bet you he does. Yeah, that's what we'll do now.

Just we can always count on Mateo Lane being a thirst trap. Mikey, does Mateo Lane, does he got anything cooking on his IG? Yeah, while he pulls that up, we'll do our HHFOD. Today, Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, is executed in 1536. And of course, Anne Boleyn was the infamous second wife of King Henry VIII. And she was executed on charges of including adultery, incest, and a bunch of other trumped up Catholic bullshit. Because when I went to England, when I went to, incest, and a bunch of other trumped up Catholic bullshit. Cuz, when I went to England, when I went to London last summer,

and I was waiting for Deebo. Cuz, did I ever tell you what happened in London when I went to- No, tell me now. Okay. So I went to England, right? I went to England last year, and I did some shows in Newcastle.

And I went specifically because the Yankees and the Red Sox were playing in London, right? So Deebo said he was going to meet me there. He was going to get on a flight and meet me there. So while I was waiting to get on a flight, he was going to crawl into the cockpit and fly there. He was going to fly there. So I was waiting, I was waiting for him to come. And I was on a tour of the Tower of London. And I went to the spot where Anne Boleyn actually got executed. They show us the spot and the tour guides giving the tour.

And I ripped a fart, like a loud fart. And she heard it. I didn't know it was going to be loud. And she heard it and just paused and then continued. So she just, she knew that somebody farted. And the people around me knew that it was me. And I was the only one who was an American in the tour group. So it's what it is. But then Debo calls me that night.

And he's like, yo, cuz, I can't get on any flights right now. No flights are going out there because everyone wants to go see the Yankees versus Sox. So nobody wants to go. So the game was in three days. And I said, I can either wait here for three days for Debo to come. And then Debo actually said he wasn't going to come. So it was either wait three days by yourself

to go watch the Yankees, Red Sox for the one and only time they'll ever do it. And I already had tickets that were like $200 each. You can either wait and spend three days alone and wait and see this game by yourself. Or you can go home right now. And I went home immediately. So because I went home immediately, I had Yankees, Red Sox tickets,

a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. But because Debo didn't want to come and because he left me alone, I just took a flight home that night, and I missed the opportunity. And it's what it is, and I'm sad about it. Yeah, Debo, I got a little advice to you. I know you're watching, and we're all looking forward to hearing from you on Friday. How you Yeah, Debo, I got a little advice to you. I know you're watching and we're all looking forward to hearing from you on Friday. How you doing, Debo? Listen, if next time you can't find a flight,

just fucking crawl in a bag and throw yourself on the baggage claim. You'll get in. Yeah, you'll get in. You should have just got on, yeah, even if you have to go on the undercarriage because, baby, we could have went and seen the Yankees Red Sox and you ruined my life. That's a great story, because, I mean, going to museums and historical

sites with chrissy's fun because the kid rips farts in front of people he doesn't care yeah do we did we ever post that video of me ripping a fart in that museum we did we'll repost it because it was old it was kind of before our podcast got popular so nobody saw it i will find it repost it all right great all right that was i thought that was a great episode. V, Mike, what did you guys think of that? There you go. There you go. Fucking the great, most talented Matteo Lane. He's just a piece. He looks

like an old Roman sculpture. The kid speaks Italian. He calls himself Matteo, but apparently his real name is Chris Johnson, and he's from somewhere in America. Yeah, his real name's Chris Johnson. He's from Syracuse, but when you talked to him, he said he's Matteo Lane, and he's from somewhere in America. Yeah, his real name's Chris Johnson. He's from Syracuse, but when you talked to him, he said he's Matteo Lane, and he's from somewhere in Italy. He's the best.

Very funny. We love you, Matteo Lane. Go listen to him. What a great body. Yeah, and so now we're going to leave you with our moment of Hey Bert. We'll see you tomorrow. Have a great week and a great day. There it is.

Great show. Cuevas in the morning ស្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែល Bye.