History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 48 - New Years is WILD!

Episode Date: January 6, 2019

It is the new year and 2019 is here. The podcast is about 10months old and the guys are as wild as day 1! The Hyenas discuss how they spent their new years eve! Chris was with the B-A-B-I eating pizza and fell asleep on the love sac watching Disney movies! cayute! Let's be real there's no such thing as New Year new me, so just shuttap and do it or don't, it doesn't matter!!!Listen to the guys go WILD and even see them get a call from your favorite comic, HEY BERT! YAASSWant more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

What's up, cuzzy wuzzies? You're listening to the Bay Ridge Boys, History Hyenas, Bad. Feliz Cumpleanos to 2019. Happy New Year. I just gave 2019 a fucking birthday in Spanish. Shout out because I'm a fucking wild kid and I was born in India

but then I moved to Vietnam and yeah! Yeah! And I started off 2019 with diarrhea. I took a full diarrhea shit at 12-15 January 1st, 2019

and it was wild. Because you were one of those lonely single dads who put on a tox and was gonna take his Puerto Rican daughter to Pizzeria Onos, which is really fancy for her, and then you fell asleep and so did she. Yeah, I fell asleep in a

Hershey Kiss onesie that was a XXL that fit a little tight and my daughter fell asleep in a Hershey Kiss onesie. That was a XXL that fit a little tight. And my daughter fell asleep in her Sophia the First onesie. And she woke up the next morning and she said, did I miss New Year's? She said, it's New Year's tonight. I said, it was last night. Stupid. And you irritate me.

Why? Because you don't wear fucking headphones like you're too cool for school. Do I need the headphones? No, you don't. I just wanted you're too cool for school. Do I need the headphones? No, you don't. I just wanted to fucking make comedy happen. Yeah, I just – let me see what they feel like. I don't know if they can fit on that goddamn melon of a head. My headphones – oh, wait, hold on.

Oh, yeah, now they're on. I hate doing the podcast with hoods. Zach Isis has a hip-hop shape-up cut for the new year. That's big when you're a hip-hop kid, to get you to go into the new year fresh and laced up, right? Absolutely. With bars. You load it. You strap with bars, son.

You strap with bars, and he also delivers for Seamless. It's what it is, cuz. Cuz Trash Monkey, the hyenaenas peering out from behind us. It is 2019. We are 10 months old. Thank you to each and every one of you who listens to this, toots and non-toots alive. But fuck you to 30 people.

Yeah, fuck the 30 people that canceled their Patreon at the end of the month. We know what you fucking toots are doing. You're signing on to the Patreon and then canceling it when the month is up because you don't want to give us your money but make no mistake big butt chris my butt has a fuck has its own sensor in the crack and it will sniff you out and fucking take a shit on your doorstep you toot yeah and if chris's big butt doesn't kill you when it inflates and stomps things out, you know what will? The guided missile that is the craziness of Chris the teacher.

Yeah. Because he posted on the Instagram, I want to know the names of the people who are deleting their videos. Because Isis is on point. Isis is good because if- When he comes in with a fresh fucking hip hop shape up, the kid is fucking nice. And is he jacked again? It's hard to tell because he's in a Modell sweatshirt.

His mother gave him that gift for Christmas and he hasn't taken it off yet. Because do you think when Isis walks into marshalls they say what's up zach yeah everywhere ever you go where everyone knows your name marshalls yeah you're a fucking discount shop from queens with a fucking shape up because we're three trash monkey fucking burrow trash children yeah cuz and i just yeah i just you know i just, you know, I had a good Christmas. I had a good New Year's. I have a sinus infection. Me too.

I really don't want to be here. You never do. You never want to be anywhere. You're not sure what you want to be. You got one foot in the door, one foot out. Your brain is halfway gone. Your balls always need to get drained. You're a fucking simulation that's not human.

And sometimes I want to put my hand through you to see if I can go all the way through because I think you're a simulation ghost. All I do, all I want to do is give my baby mama $6,000 a month so she can take cosmetic courses. Because you don't support her career. I don't support her career. Chris the teacher says, down one toot. He goes, who dropped out? We were 380 yesterday, now 379. Zach Isis, I need a name, and I want to see if this person comes back tomorrow.

Yeah, well, Chris, the teacher's in for a rude awakening because we are down about 35 since that message. Now we're down to 351. Wow. We lost 29. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? These people are fucking, they think they're going to really, they're basically sharing like a Netflix password on us. You see, look, if you want this content, you have to support it. That's the whole point.

If you want this comedy, you have to support it. That's the point. The point's not to get, you have to support it. That's the point. The point's not to get you for free like we're a big company like Netflix. The point is to fucking support us because you love us. Yeah. And then Chris the teacher said the next message. He goes, I'm going to be busy this week. Listen to this.

Listen to how creepy Chris the teacher is. He goes, down six toots is the headline. Then he goes, guess I'm going to be busy this week. I should do it with his fucking long accent. Hey, guys. Did he just saunter over to the table and just start talking to you at the

cellar? Then he stood there for too long. He doesn't know how to understand when somebody doesn't want to talk to you. He just stands there and breathes. Because he's a useless eater. You're a useless eater. So he says, down six toots, I'm going to be busy this week. Back with the five, I'm coming to your house, then your mother's house.

Yeah. Wow. He sent me a message to my Instagram that he was stuck on a flight. He was on standby on a flight in North Carolina, and six Chinese people were ahead of him on standby, and he said he was going to have to remove some Chinese. Wei Songxin. I mean, something's going to happen to his life or his career because of this podcast.

Yeah. Chris, you're not supposed to be going wild. Yeah. You're a teacher somewhere. Yeah. I'm trying to protect you. We go wild because we're comedians. We don't know your last name.

We're comedians. This is what we do professionally. You need to just stop messaging us personally and just enjoy the podcast. Yeah. No, always message. Message of 2018, though. We said we would do this. I wanted to read the Patreon message of the year, and it came late.

It came at the last, at the witching hour. It's from Clay Anthony, who's the second pick in the draft. He didn't go first round like we projected because he's a little undersized. I think he said he's white. Is he white? Are you white, Clay Anthony? You can't be white kid and expect to go in the first round. It's not going to happen.

But he does have a shot with Delilah. Yes. So he said, after downing a few brews last night, I saw Lisa Johnson's post. Now, Lisa Johnson is the fucking Reese's piece that I fucking love. Yeah, she posted, too. Yeah. So he said, I saw Lisa Johnson's post and felt obligated while getting a blowy to put two fingers in my own ass like the tooth that I am. Then he says, only thing that kept me hard was the thought of of of glue birds piece cut off for Rome,

deep fried and served with the side of and I lean salty crackers. Yeah. Yeah. Because why are our fans so fucking hilarious? Because Patreon dot com slash Bay Ridge Boys. Get in on the action. We're down 30 toots. But, yo, the people who are part of our matriarchy at Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys, where you all need to be, are hilarious.

And we're all having a ball in the community section. People are posting constantly. Nate Seaman said, make no mistake, I hope somebody is keeping track of everything Chrissy has promised us. Based on the Matreon numbers, La Puss, James Glue Gun, setting Zach on fire. Yeah. That's my sweater, not me. I think he wants to set you on fire if we get to 1,000. Because your fucking bars are fire because if we get to 5 000 patreon members and we're making like a hundred thousand dollars a week i will

light zach on fire yeah that's what we're gonna do so that's it it's fucking wild that people keep track of this it is it is crazy yeah we gotta get the toupee on on hey burt we gotta get the toupee we also gotta get to 23 and me um for me to find out if he's a Jew or a Mexican. Yeah, I'm just picking my nose and I forgot we're on camera. But you know what? That's just what you do. You pick your nose in my car. Deep picks.

Yeah. You deep picks. Have you ever picked your nose in front of a tooth? Oh, yeah. Because I haven't had a tooth in a while. Yeah, but you know what somebody said about a picture with the video that you put up about New Year's, about how you're going to try some cock this New Year's? Yes.

There was a girl who said she wanted to pop that pimple, and then— And I wrote, it's a mole you toot. Was that you, or was that Rafael DeLuca who wrote that? No, I wrote that. I said, that's a mole you toot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I'm starting to get bad skin, though, for some reason.

Yeah. Am I starting to fall apart a little bit? I think with you. I'm not as handsome as I was, right? I'm losing it? I told you. There's two things that I'm certain of. Right.

I'm a little bit of an older kid than you, so unfortunately, I know the future. Right. I know the future. You're an optimistic young kid, and you think it's all going to last forever. But make no mistake, you're not a Greek kid. Yeah. I have superior genes, and Hitler even respected us. Yeah.

My dad. Yeah, he said that we were good fighters. But he did crush you. He did crush us, though. You guys will lose, but you will fight hard. Yeah, we will get respected, but we will lose bad. It is what it is. So what's going to happen is

you are right in the middle of your peak right now. Because make no mistake, I will post again the photo you sent me of you at about 12, 13 years old. You look full Franks and Beans. Yeah. Not half. Full. Have you seen it? No.

Full Franks and Beans. Maybe we can pull it up or put it up. Oh, at Aunt Annie's wedding. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you look full. You even have like a Franks and Beans. Maybe we can pull it up or put it up. Oh, at Aunt Annie's wedding. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you look full. You even have like a Franks and Beans shirt on. Like, I understand why they kick you down the stairs in high heels, cuz.

And with skull fuck me. Yeah. You're just a kid who's crying out to get beat up. Yeah. And so, yeah. And you weren't even that handsome of a kid. No. Till recently.

Is that what, even like, even in my 20s, I was. No, 20s you started to be handsome. But those pictures I sent you when I'm wearing those bell-bottom jeans, I'm not handsome, man. But when you started playing ball... Ball. Playing ball. When we were playing ball in Houston, when you started playing ball in Houston, you were

a good-looking kid. That's where it started. But when I'm talking about those early teens, you were a fucking Franks beans looking kid yeah yeah you know what i mean yeah i might i might stop my friends from making fun of you because i said that's not right because he's something's really wrong he's frank's beans he's franked and beans out so right now you're peaking in the middle right i'm saying based on where your pseudotit is pointing, you know how you can tell a lot about the weather by the groundhog and all that stuff? Based on the degree, I don't know the exact science of it, but based on the degree of the angle of where your pseudotit is pointing, that's how much time you have left. Yeah.

And it's starting to point down. It's starting to point down. He started to point down. Cuz, make no mistake, I have three or four pictures that you're embarrassed of, and you're embarrassed of nothing. Yeah. And Cuz, if we get— Cuz, look, those pics are brutes. The last one you sent me— Was brutes.

Yeah, the one you sent me without your bra on. Yeah. I look like I have full tits. You look like you just took your bra look like I have full tits. You look like you just took your bra off. I have full tits. Yeah, you have full tits and you look like you just took your bra off. Not just the left anymore. Now it's the right too.

Yeah, but I mean the pseudo tit does its own thing. Yeah. It does its own. It just has a mind of its own. It kind of moves on its own and it's in a different direction. Right. So what – to release that picture, how high do we got to go? 3,000 pictures.

And let me speak to the – No, I have to get jacked first. If I get jacked and ripped, then I'll release it. So then you can make fun of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you don't want people imagining that's what it looks like now. Yeah, because it has to be like that's what I use. Because I'm telling you, every time – I always know it's bad.

Like I try to keep the lights off when I'm having sex, but if a girl insists on keeping the lights off, they'll be like, just take your shirt off. When I take my shirt off, when I'm pulling my shirt off, if it catches the pseudo-tit, then the pseudo-tit, the nipple bounces a couple times, and girls look at it, and it throws them off. So sometimes it gets caught on the tit on the way out, and it jiggles? Yeah, it jiggles. Yeah. Like Gonzo's nose. Yeah, guys. Yeah. Like Gonzo's nose. Yeah, cuz. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just, and it's always, even when I was jacked up, shredded, I just, I always had the tit. So, cuz, this is our New Year's episode. Should I get the tit? Should I get surgery on it? You may have to get it pulled back. Yeah. You may have to get it stapled back. A tit lift.

Yeah. To match the other one. You're a hilarious creation on this planet. Yeah. You're here. You operate at a very funny frequency. Yeah. I've said that before.

People operate on different frequencies. Your frequency, the way you move around the planet is funny. It's just funny. It's just funny. Yeah. Now, what number do we have to get to for people to see that picture that which is hilarious that you're embarrassed of because you're really not embarrassed of anything right but that picture that picture is a rough one right because i was like yo can i post that i'd say 2500 patrons 2500 yeah okay 2500

and ladies you will get the pick of the pseudo tit the pseudo! Yeah. And you might go down a few toots, but... I have a few brews. And we're back on even, Steven. And it equals, it's what it is. It's what it is. Yeah, cuz. So what's your New Year's resolution? Are you going to get shredded?

Because I understood that you probably... Did you box today? You probably went to Badass for 12 minutes. I boxed. Yeah, today I boxed. You drove some people around. You did a lot of... You always do a lot by noon.

I boxed a lot. What happened was I boxed. I had... For breakfasted. You drove some people around. You did a lot of – you always do a lot by noon. I boxed a lot. What happened was I boxed. For breakfast, I just had a banana and a coffee. Then I boxed and I had grilled chicken, broccoli with some rice and a small thing of beans. And then I had another coffee. And then I got hungry and I had a cupcake. That's the problem. Yeah, and so that's just what happened.

And I probably – literally what my New Year's is, is not even a New Year's resolution. My goal is to just eat—try to not eat double-digit slices of pizza a week. That's where I'm going to start. Okay. Just nine maximum slices of pizza a week, maximum nine, and then I'm going to take it from there. So if I could just not eat double-digit pizza, I believe I'll lose weight. I weigh 242 pounds now. I have to get down to 200.

I have to. It's not likely, but I have to try. You're not 240... You hear 246-1, you think that's going to be a big looking kid? A lot of that, like we've said before, not to

sound like a broken record, but a lot of that weight is in your butt. That's where it is. Because you don't look like a big kid. Yeah, but I have a size 38 creeping on a 40 size pants. Is there anything you can really do about that, though, with the size of your ass? I did post that picture on Patreon. So if you're a fucking toot and you're not a non-toot, you're missing out on a picture, a full picture of Chrissy's butt that he didn't know was being taken. Yeah, with a full wedgie.

Yeah. I was talking to Sergio today. The only time I got down to 205 since I was a kid was when I boxed with Sergio. Yeah. We started in March of 2014. Yeah. And by November of 2014, I had lost about 35 pounds. And I looked like just a jacked kid.

Sergio showed me a picture of myself today from November of 2014. And I just had like a V-back. But then I lost it immediately. Because I need to be focused on some kind of trauma for me to be funny and keep moving forward in life. So that's what hangs over my head is that I just have full tits. I have a pseudo tit. And I have to go in the pool with my shirt on. That's just what I have to do.

And I have a big belly button. Yeah. I don't know if it's exactly that or just maybe that you just like cupcakes. I like cupcakes. I like pizza. And I like blowing guys in Houston. And that's just what it is. It's just what it is.

Cuz, have we run out of things to do and say on this podcast? Is it just over? No, not at all. This is our New Year's episode. Oh, that's right. So this is just a full-blown party, because it's the New Year. Right. And we're bringing it in.

We're going to talk about our resolutions. We're going to talk about our resolutions, and we're going to talk about the history of New Year's Eve. Why, do you feel like we've run out of things to talk about? No, I just, I think it's because I took a Claritin D. I just don't feel good. You just don't want to be here. I don't want to be here because I- But where would you rather be?

Honestly? Yeah. Where would I, right now, if I could pick any place to be, I'd probably either be, I'd like to be in my apartment I'd like to be either in my apartment watching History Doc and you'd be worrying about that you need to go do something that I need to go do something or I'd rather be at the Chuck E. Cheese

on Highland Boulevard with Delilah I'd rather be in one of those two places those are two good places Chuck E. Cheese is good and they have a salad there we're two sick kids right now. They can hear us. I have a sick, I have a fucking 5.55 a.m. flight tomorrow. I'll just say this right now.

One of the hardest I've ever laughed in my entire life is South Park episode. Okay. When those guys are like. They're geniuses. They're geniuses. They're actual geniuses. They're like the greatest. Yeah. Yeah. Talk about, are they politically correct geniuses. They're geniuses. They're actual geniuses. They're like the greatest. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Talk about, are they politically correct? No. Nobody cares. Yeah. Nobody cares. You're not going to save comedy.

There's four people who care about if you said something offensive. Most people are just enjoying comedy. Yeah. South Park is a good example of that. Those guys say anything they want. I remember Zach's people had a death warrant out for them for a second, but then that even went away. Right. Because they're the only people who even make fun of the Muzzies.

We're all scared to make fun of the Muzzies. Yeah. But on this cast, we do. We're going to die. That's what it is. So what happened? What's funny? So the funniest, I think the hardest I've ever laughed is-

Is this recently? No, this was a couple years ago. It was a South Park episode. And it just shows you that they're just the kings. They so think outside the box. Right. Like they do whatever they want, and they just do what's funny. Right.

They don't care. Because it was Kyle's cousin came to town from New York. He was from Manhattan. Did you ever see this episode? Maybe you could Google it. Can you Google it? It's his Jewish cousin from Manhattan comes. And what they did is like he talks like this.

He talks kind of like would yell and he's like, Kyle, I don't know if I'm going to go there. It's going to make me very nervous if I'm there. And then they just leave him on screen breathing. And all you hear is... And they just hold it. It doesn't stop. For like 15 seconds, he's just going... Can you Google it, Zach?

And it's a 10. I mean, I'm telling you, I laughed. you i laughed it hurt playing on the cast yeah we can play yeah i mean it it hurt it hurt i was laughing so hard it hurt because you just thought that he was they were going to cut to a new scene and they just help they just hold on him breathing yeah and you know and it's just a and what's the joke though the joke obviously he's a Jew. He has allergies. He has nose breathers? No, he's got allergies. He's got sinus problems.

Yeah. You found the tech? So it's just what it is. Let's take a look at this. This is one of the funniest things. I mean, you know, 2019 is going to, I love looking at people's Instagram posts when they hashtag themselves. New year, new me.

Yeah. Watch, watch this. A new year, year new me 2019 is fucking my bitch shut up you're gonna be the same old mediocre person yeah just because we went around the sun once yeah doesn't mean all of a sudden you're gonna figure it out the people that actually do it don't ever announce it they just do it no if you've announced it, you already probably lost. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've announced it a few times, and look at me. I'm loosing. Loosing. Yeah. Just like, you know, when people, it's like, you know what I want to do in 2019? You know what I encourage people to do? What? Instead of tweeting.

Get someone else pregnant. Yes. That's for sure. Catch up to me. When's that going to happen? Because I know you're getting an itch soon. Things are going too good. That's why you're breaking out in a rash.

Because you want something to smash. Yeah. Well, I had a girl who was going to come meet me in one of the cities I'm going to this week. And then I canceled because I've been texting her pieces of my piece. She's been texting me her tits for about three weeks. And then I looked a little closer at her Instagram. And I think it's a guy. Don't say any names.

Okay. Oh, it's a guy. Yeah, I think it's a guy. I've just got to protect you because you don't i don't know what you're gonna say and i can't count on isis to fucking cackle it out pretty sure i'm pretty sure that i've been sending pieces of my guy to a guy well that made you even a little more excited right yeah so i was like why don't you meet me yeah because you're only gay in houston yeah yeah i sucked a few filipino cocks in houston only in houston it rests the place you're only gay in Houston Yeah Yeah I sucked a few Filipino cocks in Houston Only in Houston

It resplates you straight But Houston Hello Hi Christy's in town Because you have hair today too You're starting off 2019 with hair I'm with hair

Yeah Because if you were a gay kid You'd definitely be a bug chaser 100% You'd be a bug chaser Yeah I just I'd fucking love the thrill Of almost getting AIDS

Yeah Did you find it Zach? I'm just waiting for the internet to pull up. Yeah, this is just a stupid studio, and the guys who run this studio need to stop focusing on who's eating sandwiches in here and just fix the fucking studio. Okay? Fucking dummies.

That was supposed to be for the Patreon, but Chrissy Cackles cannot be controlled. Yeah, can we get some new fucking cameras in here? Because we're about to leave. Yeah, I mean, we're going to fucking leave. It's like, what do you think is going to happen? Why do you have 20 fucking people on your podcast? Nobody wants to hear from these fucking turds.

And you wonder why. Just get new cameras. It doesn't fucking matter. You're eating in the studio. Just get the cameras. And we need to have crystal clear video images of what we're saying in HD. Just buy a fucking camera. And we can just go viral like Theo Vaughn.

What are you fucking waiting for, you idiot? Wild. Because I just like being around you because you're a good time. Yeah. Because I like the new you. Yeah. The new you doesn't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck, and I have to just admit something to myself.

I think I'm going bald. Every time I go to text on my phone, a piece of hair falls out. Because you already have a Bruce Willis. Yeah. You already got a little bit of a widow pig. Me and you. Do I? Am I going bald? No, no, no. Your dad's got a full hair, and he looks like Fred Flintstone. Yeah. You already got a little bit of a widow pig. Me and you. Do I? Am I going bald?

No, no, no. Your dad's got a full head and he looks like Fred Flintstone. Yeah. So you're okay. Yeah. My dad's got pretty much no penis. He was. That's how little his piece is.

Yeah. Because I told you. My dad's listened to that before and he just laughs at it. Yeah. Because he knows he just has a slinky dick. Well, if it makes him feel any better, both our parents got small pieces and maybe that's why we are the way that we are Cuz cuz that's a traumatic thing to see your dad's piece and it looks like chewing gum in a ju-fro Absolutely. Yes, it does. That's wild cuz cuz you got a full head of hair

You're a handsome kid You have a weird tint and a big butt and if a girl's not gonna accept you and you're gay you're gay when you fly to houston and if girl can't accept that you like cupcakes sucking dicks in houston gelling your hair fucking rolling around in cat pajamas with a fucking shirt on with a cat sitting on a slice of pizza then that toots not for you exactly and it's what it is it's what it is okay and it's like listen i can't take you out on a date for Valentine's Day because I got a date with my daughter at Pizzeria Uno. We're white trash. Yeah.

And we need new fucking cameras. Yeah. I just, I've had enough. We're about to leave this fucking studio. We can't deal with people on the Franks and Beans scale anymore. I can't deal with it anymore. It's like we have one life, one career. Okay?

Yeah. I need to fucking be in a, I need to be on camera. I just. You need to support the island need to be on camera i just need to support the island of puerto rico yeah i have to do you understand that i have to pay a phenomenal amount of money every month to fucking buy salsa classes so i can't lose 30 patreon members anymore for stupidity okay i have to fucking i have to to, I fucking have to buy Puerto Ricans bus passes. Because what we've discovered, me and you were talking recently. Right. We discovered the three levels.

Yeah. The three levels of humanity. This is called the History Hyena's Three Levels of Humanity. Okay. Level one is like Tesla, Elon Musk. Yeah. Isaac Newton. Yeah.

I'm starting to see. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking. Yeah. That you called him Hawkins, it means you're from Ridgewood. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking. You pluralize it like you were on Zach's album.

Yeah. And I know that what you guys are thinking is saying these guys are all men and all. Wait. Well, what do you want me to tell you? Wei Shaoqian. Yeah, Wei Shaoqian. Yeah, get three there. Yeah, yeah.

Wei Shaoqian. Yeah, yeah. Let's just think of a non – to be a level one, let's just think of a non-white guy. Let's just – Gandhi a non-white guy. Gandhi. Gandhi invented some stuff. Yeah. He's all right. But he also, let's just call a spade a spade. He raped little kids.

He did. That's the rumor, right? It's just what it is. It's just what it is. Yeah. But he's worshipped. Dr. Martin Luther King we can put in there. Yeah.

He was a cheater. Because if you're Dr. Martin Luther King, you want to get a little puss. Yeah, you just want to get a little puss. Honestly, though, I will say this. You could put President Obama in level one guy. Smart. President Obama's a level one smart kid. Smart kid, yeah.

So there's one straight non-straight white male. Smart kids all have one thing in common, too. Yeah. They like to get puss. They like to get pus. They like to get pus. Because Bill Clinton was a smart kid, too, and he liked to get pus. Okay, you want to do the levels, or you want to just play the South Park clip quick? Well, let's do the levels.

Let's just play the South. No, I need to see it. Okay, here we go. Here's Kyle. That wasn't even a clip. That must have been another episode where he came back. Because I'm telling you, I think they brought him on a few times and all he just does is breathe. Yeah, wait. That's his cousin down there.

Beef really gives me gas. Yeah. Is this beef? Yeah, dude. It's great. Actually, I can't eat beef. I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining and beef really gives me gas. Could you imagine just having the freedom to do that?

They don't care. I mean, they have their own studio. I mean, you know, because people love it. I wonder if Comedy Central even sees the episodes or they just put them out. They just put them out. They make them like seven days to air because it's so current. So like a week before it airs, they make the episode. And Comedy Central can't.

You got tats on your fingers? I do. These are the tattoos I got. I got finger tattoos. And Comedy Central can't. You got tats on your fingers? I do. These are the tattoos I got. I got finger tattoos. Yo, we didn't. You just had that done? This is, I think, like two weeks now. Wow.

Wow. You got to make it in rap or here. You got to either be with us or rap because you do not have day job hands anymore. Now, unfortunately, I'm going to add that to the list. If you're the kind of guy that has tattoos on his fingers, you can't date my daughter. So level one is like the geniuses. Yeah. Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Enrique Fermi, Leonardo da Vinci, Barack Obama, a lot of

other women and people, other people. Other people. Other people. Can we get a list of non-white smart people, please? Yeah. Zach, let's find them. Oh, oh, oh. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson is out there. Yeah. Let's get some more. Yeah. Because there are a lot. We've been indoctrinated by the white patriarchal schools to only concentrate on those. Absolutely. Yeah.

Judd Apatow, yes. Judd Apatow, yes. Judd Apatow. There are some great ones. Booker T. Washington. Yes. He's very smart. You want to know what one of my favorite is? James Baldwin.

Yes. Mark Twain, the father of stand-up comedy. Don't tell Bill Burr that or else he'll leave a four-minute message on your machine about how that's wrong. Yeah. Socrates. Socrates. Aristotle. Smart kids.

Archimedes. Archimedes is probably number one, right? Smart fucking kid. I'm going to go Isaac Newton and Aristotle. I think are the two most important geniuses to ever live. Right. The most widespread. So many categories, and just important to humanity.

Right. I think Isaac Newton stood on Aristotle's shoulders, so on and so forth. There's a lot in between. So they're level one. So what we're trying to say is these are level one IQ Franks and Beans. They're not Franks and Beans at all. They're not Franks and Beans at all. They're level one humans.

What would we call them? I mean, they're geniuses. Their IQs are off the charts. Would we have like a history hyena name for them? Because level threes, I'll just spoil the ending for you. Level three are full Franks and Beans. Yeah, Franks and Beats. So level 1s would be top tier toots.

Top tier toots. T-T-T's. Triple T's. Triple T's, top tier toots. Triple T's. Yeah. So those are your fucking, and the triple toots really have nothing in common with Franks and Beats. They don't even have anything in common with us.

I think we're level twos. We're level twos. Yeah, we're level twos. Sometimes we flirt with level three. But we're level twos for the most part. For the most part, we're level twos because we know that we need new cameras. Yeah, yeah. So level twos are just like normal IQ,

someone who could graduate college or become a PhD in physical therapy, somebody who's like that. But a level two having a conversation with a level one, level two sound like babbling baboons, drooling baboons to level ones. Yes. All we have to do is just – all we could do is listen. There's nothing I could say that could make Elon Musk go, well, that's interesting what you just said. Even if you go back and listen to the Joe Rogan episode, which was fascinating with Elon Musk, it wasn't even that. It was a great interview. But Elon Musk, he doesn't even – he's trying to talk, but he's like, I don't know what to say.

What don't you understand about quantum physics? It was very awkward for Elon Musk to eat. That's why he started smoking weed at the end. He's like, I don't know how else to – and Joe Rogan is one of the smartest guys we have to offer. You mean in the comedy community. Well, Joe Rogan's a level two. He's level two.

A high level two. He's level two because he's- He's approaching level one. He's very well learned. The level twos can't really get in the level one. You have to be born, it's like being a Hasidic Jew. You have to be born into a level one top tier two. Yeah.

Level ones are just, that's what fascinates me so much about the human species is there's no other species that has that range right you know it's not like you're gonna go see a pack of lions and one lion's like yo i'm gonna go uh sniff my own butt and the other one's like yo i'm gonna go read dostoevsky you know right it's like they're all sniffing their own butt right right it's like one human's like i'm going to the metropolitan museum and the other one's like i'm going to the jack game yeah because let's be honest with each other it's like we all we all because we don't lie to each other let's let's let's let's i'm gonna make sure my daughter knows that we are all not created equal that's not a true thing that's true don't listen to you don't let don't look at your mother's instagram it's all bullshit um but it's so inspirational though yeah don't worry about the world create

equal it's a lie you need to respect and love others everybody should be treated equally yeah you don't fucking you don't you don't uh uh act like an asshole around someone because they look different than you are active in you that I will pound into her head. Yeah. You better treat everybody the same, but it's not all created equal, honey. There's just a lot of people that are smarter than you, and there's a lot of people that you're smarter than. Yes. And there's going to be people who are better looking. There's going to be people who are better, more athletic.

So they all created equal. The equality thing is a stupid thing that these people try to push. It's not real. They're called French people. They're called French people. They're called French people. Egalité. No. You're just an average person and you're trying to make yourself feel better about your existence.

So you're trying to convince everyone that everyone's created equal. It's like, no, you just suck. Yes. Okay. You're just not that funny. You're not that good. I'm just going to start saying names. Hold on.

What happened now? Hello? What's up, bub-boss? Buddy, what are you doing? Not much, baby. Not much, baby. I'm thinking about doing a cast later with Chrissy. Oh, good, buddy.

Yeah. Wednesday night cast, baby. Yeah, we may do a podcast. How you doing, bub-boss? I'm alive. He was in California. I saw his Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry that Chrissy kicked you off the cast. Stop playing with me. I don't care. It's good to be off. I'm going to start my new podcast. Yeah. He just said that you were a little too Franks and Beans and the shape of your head was making him nauseous.

Oh, Heber. I hate you two quite a bit. He just said that you were a little too Franks and Beans and the shape of your head was making him nauseous. He-bert. I hate you two quite a bit. He said he wanted to get a yellow crayon and paint your head yellow. He-bert. Well, this one's hilarious. He goes, hey, cool, you got a call. I text him. I'm putting him on mute right now.

He doesn't hear me. We're kamikaze-ing him on our right now. He doesn't hear me. We're kamikaze-ing him on our own podcast. Kamikaze. You've passed down a celebrity on New Year's Eve. You've passed your Hayburn time limit. You can't hear us. Now I'm going to pretend like I just listened to what he said, which is what I do anyway.

But it was fun. Who cares? It was good. What's that fun, buddy? You were probably drunk by 6.51. Yeah. See, this is past the time limit right here. do anyway. Yeah. See, this is past the time limit right here. Yeah, Bubba, that's great. You just got to keep rocking and rolling.

You know, it's what it is, you know? It's just what it is, and if she said that, then she's not a good person, and you're going to be okay, Bubba. Wait a minute. What do you think I just said to you? Your sentences didn't match anything I just said to you.

You said that the Knicks, Knox was a good pickup for the Knicks. Oh, Heamer. And that you're buh-buhs, baby. Thank you so much. I'm done with you. Where are you at? You're with Chris right now, obviously, correct? Yeah, I'm with Chris.

I'm looking at him, and he's saying, I got acne. Oh, Heber. I don't know. I just say yes to Joel and I forget and I have to check it later. Oh, Heber. to Joel and I forget and I have to check it later. Hey, Bert. Listen, I gotta call you back because I'm in the

middle of a podcast which you're on right now. Yeah. You just got kamikaze'd. You got kamikaze'd on History Hiatus. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. I hate the show. I hate the Bert shit. Bubba, is it your ass crack hanging out right now?

Bubba, is... I'm both tossed by clones. Does your belt work? Listen to my spinoff. No hyenas, everybody. No hyenas. Me and Frank Giotti. That's the Oscars music playing you off, baby.

We'll call you back. We love you. Love you, brother. Love you, dog. Oh, baby. We'll call you back. We love you. Love you, brother. Love you, dog. Oh, man. Yeah. He's mad. Listen, any of you fucking people who listen to this podcast who message us and say we're being mean to Hey Bert.

You're Franks and Beats. You're Franks and Beats. Hey Bert's one of our friends. One of our best friends. And you don't have to deal with 100 calls from him asking him questions on how to hang behind. You guys don't have to give him pounds when his fingers are soaking wet from his mouth. We love James Madden.

Hilarious comedian. Love James Madden. Number one. James Madden is a level two, by the way. He's level two. Level two. And a heart like a heart. He's got such a good heart, he's almost retarded.

That's just how good of a heart he has. Yeah, he's one of the best people. He's just the nicest fucking kid. Yeah. Now, what do you think about our fan base? What do you guys think? Are they level twos or more level threes? I think, I mean, you have to say, well, I mean, like, let's take a guy like Rafael De Luca.

He's got to be a level two. He went to Harvard. He's high tier level two. He's a high tier level two. He went to Harvard. But as far as his ambition and willpower, he's a level three. He's a level three. The kid's a fucking DJ with a fucking Harvard degree.

Yeah, he's probably, he's- You want to know what the opposite of a Harvard degree is? Fucking DJ. DJ. Yeah, here's probably... You want to know what the opposite of a hardwood degree is? Fucking DJ. DJ. Yeah, here's the thing. He's one of the only people in history to be born with the brain of a level one, top tier two, but actually produced like a level three. Let me be honest with you, Rafael. We love you, but the fact that you have an Instagram history eye in his music really makes your parents upset.

It is what it is. But I got to say, he's my fate. Him and Bacacus are my favorite super fans. Cause I'm confident. Neither one of them is going to sniff my seat. Yeah. Well,

but that just doesn't listen anymore. She still does. Oh yeah. Because we haven't had her on the show because you said she was lying about her age. Well, we, I didn't say it.

We just caught her. Yeah. Damn. Because we have a good fucking time here. We have a good time. And I'd like to invite Jen back on. And Rafael DeLuca, by the way, said he wanted to come on. Yeah.

Let's have them both on and find out if they ever had a follow-up and find out. Maybe Jen just identified at a different age on that different day. Yeah. And that's fine. Maybe we're oppressing her because maybe she was 26 when she told you she was 26. She was 20. It was only a couple of years where she told you different ones. Yeah, no.

One day she's 29. The other day she was 20. Great. It's fine. Yeah, we just don't know how old she is. Yeah. But we do know. She has a piece.

Yeah, you said it. Yeah. But we do know. She has a piece. Yeah, you said it. Yeah. Time code it. Find out. Who was that?

I mean, you want to know what's fucking weird? You want to know what's weird? Yeah. As weird as that, if I know. If I wasn't on this cast and I was listening, I would know because the strange thing about you is all yours do sound the same I have listened back to our cast and your farts are Identifiable yeah, fucking wild is it that your farts have their own personality personality? Yeah, yeah, I've actually I've actually recorded

Do we ever ever play a recording of my farts on the cast no? But I don't think you needed to because you fart on the cast. Yeah. Well, here. Keep talking. I just want to... Oh, you know what? I don't think I have them anymore. Forget it. Yeah, but it's wild that you're the only person probably on the planet whose farts have a distinctive personality. Yeah, well, I'm

Chrissy Wellfarts. You fart with personality. CWFs. Yeah. So those are my two favorite fans. But they're all my favorite. We got a few more that are creeping up into the superfan category. Unfortunately, they won't be safe because Chris the Teacher really wants to keep that position. Yeah, well, Chris the Teacher said that he wants on Patreon. He said he'd think it'd be funny to be kamikaze-ing you in the studio and then invite Chris the Teacher on.

Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's funny. But the problem is, is we have a restraining order against you. We do. Yeah. We got $25 people to call. We got to call fucking Dr. Harvey. Oh, yeah.

You want to call him right now? Let's call him right now. Zach, and you have to. Did Savannah send you the new Patreons? I have some numbers to call. Not the page. Yeah. So we're going to cut them, too, getting we're giving away too much of a percentage it's like

listen you helped us get this thing off and running but now unfortunately you gotta go so people are just gonna start getting cut in 2019 that's my resolution is to cut the fat. I'm the one with the talent. You're the one hanging on to me. So get off me. If you're not doing anything, you got to go. And make no mistake, Zach, if the answering machine is just numbers, you're going to have to cackle it out. Because we will be sued.

All right, let's call him up. He's probably fucking knee deep in some toot's mouth. Yeah, let's see. Every time we call him. It says best to talk to after 5 p.m., though, so you might not answer. All right, let's give him a whirl. Let's just call him again. Let's just call him again.

Let's just not listen to his, whatever he says. Yeah. You're calling no- He's a kid from South Carolina. Yeah. Is there anybody get the camera off the screen? Yeah, they can't see it. Oh, they can't see it?

Because, you know, our cast has – Zach gives our cast personality. Yeah. Because sometimes I'll be listening to a cast and your levels are higher than mine and sometimes mine are higher than yours. And, you know, my favorite is have you ever seen Zach's written descriptions? They're always good, but they're always horribly misspelled. Sometimes, yeah. I love it. Dr. Spencer.

Yeah! What's up, babies? It's the History Hiatus. We finally got you. What's up, brother? What's up, Doc? Yeah. What are you doing?

You got a toot in your office? Actually, a few of them. I was actually working on a little kid right then. I just stepped away from the patient for a second. I just talked to my boys. What's up, Dr. Harvey Spencer? What's going on? How was your New Year's? Are you in Atlanta? It was good, man.

Just brought it in simple with the kids and the wifey. It was a piece, by the way. Of course. How was y'all? What'd y'all do? There's no way you're not going to have a piece when you got a doctor's salary because you're rich. You're a rich kid. We did. What did I doall do? There's no way you're not going to have a piece when you got a doctor's salary because you're rich. You're a rich kid.

We did. What did I do? I fell asleep at 11 p.m. in footsie pajamas with my daughter. And Giannis, what did you do? You had heartburn from whiskey, right? I had heartburn from whiskey. I went out with my fiance and got a nice little piece of steak. Did you bang out on New Year's?

I did not bang out, but I banged out the night before. Nice. Yeah, and her family listens to this. You got one in in 2018, and that's the third time you had sex all year. It's what it is. It is what it is, brother. Now, Dr. Spencer, how long have you been a dentist? I graduated from dental school in 2011.

Yeah. I'm going on my eighth year right now. And how important is flossing? Is it all bullshit? Not bullshit at all. Trust me. Do I need to put that floss in every fucking tooth? Every fucking tooth, brother.

Okay? I deal with a lot of cavities that start in between the teeth. Okay? That's what most of the cavities I deal with, especially on kids. So make sure you're doing that for your daughter, too. Okay? So I have to floss my daughter's teeth? Yes.

Absolutely. How do you get your kids to sit there and get flossed? Listen, make a game of it, okay? They got those little floss picks. It's like a toothpick on one end and a little flosser on the other end. Okay. And, you know, have them, like, race. You know what I mean?

That's what I do with my kids. I got a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old and a 1-year-old. You know, just make a game of it. And every single night your kids are flossing, the 4 and 6, every night? Listen, no, no. I'm not going to lie. No, but I'd say definitely at least five times a week. They're also with me. Right. You know, my wife's a dentist too. So if I'm not doing it, she's doing it.

You guys have a lot of money. I'm only donating $25. Step it up. Listen, listen, go check Listen, listen Go check it again Go check it again I've doubled it, buddy Whoa Yeah We love you

You're our new favorite I was I was gonna try to do the $250 But Nah It's hard to hide that from my wife Yeah But it's

It's fucking great Cause a couple of dentists That is funny though Like If like your major expense It's like if she caught you It's like what's this 250 because usually you know it's usually something bad he's like yeah i went out with the boys did a little blow but if he's like i'm just a podcast fan yeah it's not as bad now let me ask you a question uh i since i was little

i figured out this thing where i bite my nail off and then I use my nail as a toothpick to floss. Gross! It's an old... Oh, absolutely disgusting. Yeah, that's an old Greek... Don't do that. It's an old Greek island trick I learned from my grandmother. Is that bad?

Yes, absolutely. Everything that gets under your nail, all that bacteria, that can get caught up in there, and you get it in your mouth, you can have a little infection that starts from that. Is that why my breath smells like shit? You got these open cuts in your mouth that can really fuck you up that starts from that. Is that why my breath smells like shit? You got any open cuts in your mouth, that can really fuck you up. Fuck, man. That's why my breath smells like shit. So is that, and then, yeah, okay. Now what about Chris's piece? He's got a lot of warts on it.

Can you fix that? Well, no, it's not even about that, but I want to ask you, every time I eat puss, I always get a sore throat. Is that because I don't floss? Absolutely not, okay? Okay, I used to deal with the same issue, okay? Really? You get your good mouth rinsed, the gargle.

Every time you ate puss, you got a sore throat? I used to, yes. This was before I got married. Yeah. I've seen a lot. Yeah, because Chris is not even exaggerating or lying. He actually gets sore throats. Like, I can't go down, Chris is not he's not even exaggerating or lying to be He actually gets sore throat like I can't go down on girls because I always get a sore throat I'm like their place needs to be made of amoxicillin

Listen you come down here. I definitely get you the stuff you need to make sure you can remedy that Yo, are you in Charleston? No bullshit. No, I'm in Fort Mill. I'm just south of Charlotte. Charlotte. Charlotte, okay. But, you know, Charleston is, yeah, it's just literally, I'm in the suburb of Charlotte. Right on. So we got to go, we got to take a trip down to Charlotte, do some history, and get our

teeth cleaned. 100%. Legit. Absolutely. You should be our dentist. Yeah. And that's how we'll motivate ourselves to go down south. Let's do it, yeah.

I got you. Yeah, I mean, we've only been. And they got a comedy zone here, too. If y'all want to do, you know, get a little bit there, I got a little relationship with the radio station, and they got, you know... Oh, yeah, no, I've been down there. I've been to the Charlotte Comedy Zone before. It's a great room.

I've only done... Yeah. What's the one in Carolina? I did Charlie Goodnight's. Yeah. That's not in Charlotte. Where is that? Charlie Goodnight's.

That's in Raleigh. Raleigh. Raleigh. Hey, Ray. Yeah. That's in Raleigh. Raleigh. Are you ready? Yeah, Chris. It's what it is. Yeah, I was there like four, five, six years ago. Yeah, no, no, easily.

Six years ago. Yeah. Yeah, cuz, listen, thank you so much for being a valuable member of the Matriarchy and being a part of the Matron and just being, you're literally, I would say that you're the only toot who's a doctor. He's a non-toot. Well, he's a non-toot. Well, is Dr. Nick the GI guy?

Is he a part of our Patreon? He is, but I don't think he's esteemed. He's not a level of Dr. Spence. Dr. Spence, we were just talking about levels. We got a couple level one kids because we have Andrew Agos, who's a surgeon. Yes. We got Dr. Harvey Spencer. We got some smart kids.

Smart kids. Rafael DeLuca, who's a Harvard graduate, but also a DJ. But also a DJ, which is the opposite. Absolutely. I follow him on Instagram. He's always posting, and I love it. Yeah, I know. He's great.

He's great. We just said if there was an opposite of a Harvard graduate, it would be a DJ. Yeah. So he is a kid who, yeah, he got the plane off the ground, and then he nosedived it. I have this feeling that in the background, we're just going to hear a kid screaming, and you're just not going to care because you're on with the boys. That is a fact. A kid is definitely waiting with medicine in his mouth right now.

10 out of 10 pain, and we're just in here talking about dupes, and I'm just asking you about what my throat feels like after I eat puss. And you're just going to lose your license because of the anemia, but it's what it is. It's what it is. It is what it is. But listen, before I go, I'm getting my boys to listen to you guys, okay? I don't know which episode it was that I got them to listen to first,

but the first thing they heard was you getting face-fucked on the toilet, okay? Yep. And it came back, and they were accusing me of being a gay kid. And I'm like, listen, I don't know if it's true, and I don't know what really happened, but these are some funny guys. So give them another chance, okay? No, I'm not a gay kid. So hopefully they hear this. I'm just a Brooklyn – No, I'm not a gay kid. So hopefully they hear this.

I'm just a Brooklyn – listen, I'm a kid who grew up deep in Brooklyn, a Catholic kid, and, you know, I was a kid. I was just – you know, I'm a sensitive kid, and that's what guys do. My friends were a couple years older than me, and one day I was just taking a shit, and the boys came in, and one of them skull-fucked me, and everyone thought it was funny, and then they pushed me down the stairs in high heels with a New York Yankees batting helmet on. But, you know, I was a good basketball player, so they let me hang out.

Yeah, I think he was more the victim of bullying. Yeah. That was just old school bullying. I think your kids are just growing up in a better era than we grew up in. Yeah. Which, thank God, thank God it's getting better, because when we were kids, kids did things like that. Yeah.

They did crazy shit. We were a little meaner. Kids were a little mean kids did things like that. Yeah. They were just crazy. It's a little meaner. Kids were a little meaner in the 80s. Yeah. Alright, well this is fucking great. I'm happy we finally got in touch with you. Yeah, and we'll speak to you again, man. Thank you so much. Every month. Yeah. Appreciate it. That's cool, man. Alright, brother.

Take it easy. Alright, man. You too. Great. Yeah. Dr. Spencer. Yeah, his kids think you're a gay kid. No, no. His boys, he said. Like his friends. Oh, his boys. His boys are only, his kids are six.

Yeah, that's right. I'm fucking Franks and Beans. I thought they were the kids. Yeah, I'm Franks and Beans. No, his boys. Yeah, I'm Franks and fucking Beans. Well, do we have any other $25 toots to call? Yeah, we can call a new one or it's a new month so we can start calling some of the old ones.

We've got a Nora's Cupcake Bakery. Let's call Nora's. Let's call Nora's. we can call a new one or it's a new month so we can start calling some of the old ones. We've got a Nora's cupcake bakery. Let's call Nora's. Let's call Nora's. And let's, even though we didn't eat her cupcakes, let's just say

that we love them. Well, she's heard that, Chris. Who cares? Yeah. I actually did eat them. I brought them to the comedy cellar. Because she dropped them off.

She dropped them off. They were excellent. I ate the Reese's peanut butter cup one. I loved. And then there was a peanut butter and jelly one, I believe. But she dropped them off, right? She dropped them off. They were excellent. I ate the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup one. I loved. And then there was a peanut butter and jelly one, I believe. But they, I mean, the comedy cellar comedians ate them quick.

Actually, Chris Rock ate one of them, so I'll tell her that. And that's true. He did? Yeah. Yeah, he did. These are the ones she dropped off recently. We weren't there. I got an idea. I got an idea. She's not going to gonna pick up let me start yeah

tell her give her a sexy one try to try to your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message hang up hang up

hang up hang up hang up hang up I covered it I covered it I covered it I covered it yeah forwarded to an automatic voice message. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. I covered it.

I covered it. I covered it. Yeah. Please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. Somebody else. Hello. This is Franz, and this message is for Nordic Cupcakes.

Toot. I've heard you're a toot. And I just wanted to say hello. And you are a toot. And no matter what you do, it doesn't matter what you do, what you try to do, go to church,

take a shower, change religions, move to another country, It doesn't matter what you do, what you try to do. Go to church. Take a shower. Change religions. Move to another country. You are now and forever a tot. Thank you. Bye. That was the most amazing character because it sounded like – It was six different people.

Yeah. because it sounded like... It was six different people. Yeah. It was the only person I've ever heard who was in between an Asian and a South Asian. Yeah. I didn't know if you were Indian or Chinese or both. So take that, Hari Kondabalaba.

Yeah. You were like both at the same time. Yeah. I'm a fucking... Make no mistake, I'm a bisexual Asian. You are? And I can't change that about me, and it's just the cards I've been dealt. I'm a bisexual Asian. You are? And I can't change that about me, and it's just the cards I've been dealt.

I'm a bisexual Filipino kid. Because black kids from the South? Yeah. They do not like gay jokes. No, they don't. And it's just what it is. Because his boys listen to whatever episode, and and once they got they were like nah man nah nah nah nah nah man yeah let's be honest i mean he's a he's a dentist so i would say

majority of his friends are way way so yeah yeah because he's a cool kid he's a great kid are you fucking kidding me yeah do we have any overseas fans i fans? I'm dialing him up now. He's in the UK. It's around 9 p.m. over there. Oh, perfect. Perfect. By the way, a Turkish girl messaged us on Patreon. A Turkish dude? She's a piece, and she'll be James' date to your wedding.

I saw that. Yeah. She's a piece. She's a piece. Maybe she could be my date. Let's be honest. I'm just going to bring my baby mama. That's what it is.

Alright, so this guy's in the UK. Okay. His name is Marie Kirk. Do you want to start off? Yeah, I'll start off pretending to be British. Marie Kirk? Antarctica. Should we go to Antarctica?

I don't think you can. Yes, you can. There's an airport there? Yeah, you can go to Chile? I don't think you can. Yes, you can. There's an airport there? Yeah, you can go to Chile, and I think you take a boat. Yeah, but it's like frozen, right? Yeah, but you can go and jump in the water. People have done it. How do you know that?

Because I just fucking know. Because I met a guy on Grindr that did it. Tell your boys that, Harvey Sprinter Jr. Yeah. Zach, if you don't get this fucking number. The UK number is not working, so we have to dial up someone else. You got Austin Ireland or Clayton Taylor? Oh, we got to call Austin Ireland.

Yeah, let's call Austin Ireland. This kid, he just sends me Snapchat videos of women he's having sex with. And I don't respond. He also is the kid who has a gun in his glove compartment and said he was going to shoot Chinese in Maine. And I just want to say that publicly that I can't stop him. is the kid who has a gun in his glove compartment And said he was gonna shoot Chinese in Maine And I just want to say that publicly that I can't stop him, but he did not do that That's just a joke way Sean Chi did not Make a joke yeah, I do not respond to a snapchat. Yeah, you are fucking oh

Hey, hi, dude. Can I speak to Austin Ireland, please? Hello. Hey, how you doing? Can I speak to Austin, Ireland, please? Yeah, speaking. How you doing, man? This is Deputy Dipperda, and I think you're doing a good job up there in Maine, brother. But we're down here in Arkansas, internal affairs, and we see that you've been roaming around with a couple of toots. What?

Yeah. I've been what? You've been with a couple of toots. Oh, shit. Yeah. Boy. Wild. What's up?

Cous, do you have a gun in your hand right now? Yeah, it's in my glove box. Cous, how many toots? You just send me videos of different toots you bang every single day. Because how many toots? You just send me videos of different toots you bang every single day. Hey, listen. I would love to tell you the number, but I might have people who listen to this,

and I don't want to get in trouble. Well, here's here. Just live your life by this equation. Say whatever you want. Go wild. You lose a few toots and a few brews equals it's what it is. Hey, I don't want a few brews. Come on. Yeah, no, you're a good kid. You're just kidding. But it's what it is. Hey, I don't want a few brutes. Come on.

Yeah, no, you're a good kid. You're a kid. You're Frank and Dean, though, but it's what it is. Yeah, I mean, we... Hey, I'm okay with a little Frank and Dean, man. It is what it is. It is what it is. I fucking love you, man. What part of Maine do you live in?

I'm in Waterville, Maine. It's about in the middle of nowhere because it's a place with a shithole. Yeah. I want to go to Portland, Maine. Is that fun? Because Maine is far. Oh, man. Portland is where it's at. It's a lot of fun. I was just there for New Year's actually. I got a little

frank with Dean. Yeah, you bagged out a couple of toots in a hotel room and he sent me the video. Did you like that shit? No, it's all a joke. It's all a joke. We need a legal department. Quickly. Yeah.

Martin Moyer's chunk from the Goonies. She's a big booty, huh? Yeah. She's a nice fat ass. You guys got to come to Portland or Maine sometime, man. There's nothing up there. Because we want to come up there, but it's like you got to take a space shuttle to get there so far. And it's Bob Marley.

And he's 60 years old, and I'm pretty sure he's dying. Yeah. Bob Marley's the main comedian. He's great. How far do you live from Portland? I'm an hour. How far is the drive from New York City to your hometown? Shit. Ten hours?

Ten hours. It's far up there. We'd have to take a plane. Yeah, you know. I've been there a couple times. It's not bad. Yeah, we can't do it. It's far up there. We'd have to take a plane. Yeah, you know, I've been there a couple times. It's not bad. Yeah, we'll be up there eventually. We're going to come up there. I've actually only been to the state of Maine a couple times in my life.

Me and Nate Bargatze. You guys come up here, and you won't pay for a hotel or anything. I swear to God, come up. Yeah. Austin Island has, what part of it? Waterloo, Maine on check. Waterville. Waterville.

Yeah, the whole 16,000 people at a game. Me and Nate Barganci did a college tour 10 years ago. What's that? Of Maine. And it's Smith and Colby College. That's in Maine, right? Yeah, Colby College is in my hometown. And make no mistake, they're a bunch of stuck-up fucks.

I hope one of them is listening. Yeah. You wanted to say another F word and you didn't. I can't do it. Yeah. You wanted to say another F word and you didn't. I can't do it. Yeah. We got it. We need somebody to just put cackles because we know Ice isn't going to do it. We need a cackle guy. Yeah, well, this is, I mean, we're speaking to a fan now, so it's all him.

Yeah, I know. So what happened at the college? So we did a tour. Oh, nothing, man. They're just, I mean, they're all just really rich and just disrespectful fucks. Yeah. And you know what they call you? Yeah.

And they call me like townie. Yeah, they probably call you townie. Yeah, but you're from there. They're the gentrifiers. They've gentrified you. I'm from here. I'm born and raised. Yeah. You ever pull one over? You ever pull one over just, you know, just mess with them a little bit?

Like, hey, you know? No. No, definitely not. I don't do that. What do you do? What do you do? Yo, how do you do? What do you do for work?

Because you're a good-looking kid, but you look a little Frank Sabine's, but you get a lot of puss. So what do you do? Do you have a lot of money? Do you have a big, fat piece? What do you do? Do you have a lot of money? Do you have a big fat piece? What do you have? I work at a giant paper mill in the chemical department, so they pay me pretty well. Nice.

But how do you get so many twos? He's a good-looking kid. No, he's definitely a good-looking kid. I'm a fucking kid. Yeah, he's a cute fucking kid. What kind of car do you drive? What kind of a car? Yeah, because whatever car he drives, there's a deer hanging off the back of it. a cute fucking kid. What kind of car do you drive? What kind of a car? Yeah.

Because whatever car he drives, there's a deer hanging off the back of it. Full of fucking fusion. I get 25 miles a gallon. Yeah. Yeah, because you bang out a lot of puss. It's the one thing I do up here. I work and bang fucking sugar walls, you know? But you've actually definitely hosed down your trunk because you had a deer carcass in it.

Yo, and it is legal to carry a firearm in Maine. It's legal? Yeah, you can carry it here. Yeah, it's just what it is. I mean, because we're not the United States. We're just different countries. Every state's just the rules are so different. Different states.

It's ridiculous. That's like up here, I can buy firearms. I can carry, I can own as many as I want. I own 40 plus. Yeah, so we will not be invading your house. We're not going to try to ever rob you. Not only us won't invade his house, but I don't think some countries won't invade his house. I think he's safe. Well, I just told a bunch of followers where I live now.

I'm sure they could find me. So, hey, it's open doors. Yeah, well, listen, the only one you gotta really worry about is Chris the teacher but you have a as long as you don't have a 16 year old kid around

you're fine and also I ain't down fucking franken beans and make no mistake I don't think anyone's gonna come to Waterloo Waterville

waterville fucking franken beans fuck what do you call it Waterloo he keeps calling it Waterloo like it's Napoleon

what the fuck cause but that's you know what that's funny like kids who are What do you call it? Waterloo? He keeps calling it Waterloo like it's Napoleon. What the fuck? Because, but that's, you know, that's funny. Like, kids who are from small towns, they would worry about that because he knows, he probably knows everyone he sees every day. Every single person this kid knows. Yeah, but most people live in places like this. It's a small town, like, you bang on one, two, and the next day, everyone's fucking talking about it. Or something happens, everyone's talking about it. That's the one thing that I do in a small town, you know?

Yeah. Yep. Like, um. Yo, not gonna lie, you guys kind of give me butterflies. Deputy, whatever the fuck that is, I got a little nervous. Yeah, cuz, well, find me on Grindr, cuz you're a gay kid. Oh, it's for home. Yeah, no, you're a cute kid.

We appreciate you, man. Thank you so much. Thank you for your service, man. Loyal member of the matriarchy. Of course, guys. You're the best. If you guys ever come this way, you guys are my number.

I hope you guys are much more. Yeah, now the podcast has your number, too. No, no, no. Hey, listen. Public announcement. Any cute toots that want to get smoked out, you know where I'm at, I'll fly you here. Yeah.

Because he will fly you into Waterloo. Yeah, fly you into Waterloo, and you could get a little piece of the main glue gun. That's right, the main glue gun himself. Thank you, sir. We appreciate your service. We'll speak to you next month. All right, boys. We appreciate the support, man.

Yeah, keep doing what you're doing, guys. Let it go, buddy. Thanks, man. Cool kid. Now, all. Let it go, buddy. Thanks, man. Cool kid. Good kid. Now, all that's off camera, right? Because we got to start getting better at that. That's off camera.

Yeah. We can't give out people's shit. Yeah. And we got to get a cackle person. All right. Because Chrissy goes wild. Go wild. We definitely need some cackles over some certain parts of this episode.

Listen. This one, we're going to have to comb through with a fine brush. I know we didn't do any history on this, but for this one, if you go to patreon.com slash bayridgeboys, we will be talking about the history of New Year's on the Patreon. So if you want to hear all about the history of New Year's, go to patreon.com slash bayridgeboys. For a bonus episode. We just got the names for the new Patreons. Okay, so we're going to read them.

Let's do it. As always, we're going to read the names of the newest members of the Patreon, the new fucking toots. And we're going to guess their – Giannis will guess their ethnicity. Yeah. We're two sick kids. Yeah. How long have you been sick for? About a week.

Yeah, I've had this cold now a couple days. Did you send them to me? Okay. What time is Jim Norton coming for his? I mean, I'm sorry, Chip Chipperson. Oh, five. Five. Okay.

Yeah. Okay, just got it. All right, here we go. Okay. Oh, we got to call Addie Waters, too. Okay, here we go. So the newest members of the matriarchy are as follows. Jordan Goffler. Jordan Goffler.

Jordan Goffler? G-O-U-G-H-L-E-R. He is a private school white kid. Without a doubt, kids from Tennessee. Yeah. No socks. No jeans. Elizabeth Valentino.

Elizabeth Valentino? That's your girl. If you're going to date her, you better have your shirt open, and there better be a cross on that shirt. Yeah. Because make no mistake, she's a Catholic kid, and she's probably from Chicago. One name, Shorty. We know what it is. Shorty Gaboz.

Yo, what's up? You know what I mean? Next up, George the Canuck. George the Canuck? Yeah. Greek. Greek. Greek.

Yorgo. Ticanis Yorgo. He's currently living with his mother. And he's a successful doctor. Rowan Ronald. Rowan Ronald. Yeah, you know what I mean? What up?

Yeah. You know what I mean? Listen, yo, I went to Howard like early 90s. You know what I mean? Yo,? Yeah, yeah, man. Listen, yeah, I went to Howard like I went to Howard like early 90s Yeah, I mean, yeah, yo, you guys are funny man. Yeah. Yo, wow He listens to the podcast and just says wow what you ever you ever watch black kids laugh at a comedy show like yo Wow Wow, yo Wow Wow Travis Myers Travis Myers is wait Wow.

Travis Myers. Travis Myers is... Wait. Wait. He may be a donk. Travis Myers? Yeah, he's donked out. He may be a donk. He's actually a jacked fucking kid.

Can I see? Yeah. If you zoom in, Travis Myers. Wow. Look at this kid. He's a jacked fucking... He's a jacked out kid. Wow, I just fucked it up.

I don't know. Do you ever worry... So he's not a donk. He's just honked out. Do you ever worry that your fiance is just going He's just hunked out Do you ever worry That your fiance Is just gonna see A jacked kid in the gym

Cause she's jacked out now And you just She'll come home And you just have You have sauce on your tits Is that a bother you She'll just be grossed out Yeah and she just like

Wants to She'll fall in love With some kid who's jacked No she's too She's too loyal She's too good And yeah Yeah

Yeah I don't worry about that with her. Dana Levy. Hello, Dana. She's a fucking piece. Oh, she is? Oh, is it a girl? She looks like a piece. Vincent Dio. Make no mistake. To Chrissy, that's the great thing about Chrissy. You're all

pieces. Yeah. He loves women of all shapes and sizes. Vincent Diehl. Vincent Diehl? D-I-E-H-L. Wow, he's a German ancestry. He would like to push, and he would like to say, if you could step right this way into the showers. Everyone has a bar of soap waiting for you on the left.

Move to the front, and don't worry or don't panic. Here's a white kid, Jeff Bradshaw. Jeff Bradshaw. My dick hurt when you said that. Yeah. We have literally the biggest. Wait a second. Jeff Bradshaw is going to be our new name for white people.

Yeah. Jeff Bradshaw. Because is there a whiter name than Jeff Bradshaw? Instead of saying Brad's in Chazza, we're just going to say a bunch of Jeff Bradshaw's. A bunch of Jeff Bradshaw's. It literally, it's just funny how our podcast works and how the universe works and how the matriarchy works because we have a name like Jeff Bradshaw, which can't get any whiter. Here we go.

There you go. We have Jeff Bradshaw, which cannot be any whiter. Here we go. There you go. We have Jeff Bradshaw, which cannot be any whiter. Yeah. Followed by the very next name, Treshawn Lockett. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. And those, I didn't talk to that. Those are back to back.

Say that name again. Jeff Bradshaw and Treshawn Lockett. Because from now on, we're going to call white people Jeff Bradshaw's and we're going to call our black followers Treshawn Lockett. Because that's America right there. Yeah. I really have to say, we're just a cast, obviously. We're trying to have as good a time as possible. possible yeah that we have such a diverse listenership um that is obviously um case in point our uh our our patreon membership is a good sort of um case study for you know the people who

are listening we have a diverse we need more asian yeah well. We have Samantha Chin. I thought when we came to winter and fall, we were going to have more Asians. I thought maybe they hibernate in the summer because of Steel Pipe Chrissy, and I thought they were going to come out. We have some South Asian, and we definitely have

a lot of black and white, and we have a high number of pieces. Pieces. So it's great. Diversity is a good thing. white yeah and we have a high number of pieces so it's great um diversity is a good next up we have one name dana and she is a fucking piece yeah yeah and she is she has one name dana so she's she's black she's maverick she's a she's black girl she's a. She's maverick. She's a piece. She's black girl. She's a piece. She's a piece. She's a piece. And I just followed on Instagram.

You were quick. And then last but not least, we have Jamie Appletit. Jamie Appletit? Or Applet. A-P-P-E-L-T. But I'm just going to put an I-T at the end and make it the name that I want. So it's Jamie Appletit. But I'm just going to put an IT at the end and make it the name that I want.

So it's Jamie Appletit. Jamie Appletit is a white girl who is a principal of a preschool. She lives in a suburb of Illinois. She's married to a guy named Donald. And they got a good little life and a down payment on a house. And you know where she has breakfast? Panera Bread. Yes.

It's what it is. Yes. It's what it is. Yes. It's what it is. Because are we going to get Italian food? Yeah. Well, no, I can't. I have to go pick up my doctor. Ooh. I got a set. You have a set? Yeah. New York Comedy

Club. Just give up. I'm done. Yeah. No, not you. Just the owner of New York Comedy Club oh no I'm kidding he's great but he's a cocaine problem

way song she ain't yeah just joking I'm just kidding I'm just kidding yeah thank you guys so much for

listening to the to the free episode and happy new year everybody and if you're not joining the patron you're a fucking toot

we lost 30 we lost I can't believe 30 people were non-toots and then just looked in the mirror and said you know what I want for 2019 I want're a fucking toot. We lost 30, we lost, I can't believe 30 people were non-toots and then just looked in the mirror and said, you know what I want for 2019? I want to be a toot again. Yeah, because listen, it's about the support.

We give you guys the goods on patreon.com slash bayridgeboys and we appreciate and we depend on your support. So thank you. Thank you to our $25 members. Everything we say to our $25 members is a joke. We've also disguised the places that they're from, what their names are, which we haven't, which we're probably going to start doing moving forward. We've got to talk to lawyers because this is new ground.

It's what it is. We're on the internet and we're having a blast. We're building this with you guys. We really appreciate it. Head over to patreon.com slash Bayridge boys join up hop on the community board leave us comments obviously we read the funny ones i could tell you members of the matriarchy over at patreon.com slash bayridge boys are interacting with each other talking over there making jokes that's what we're really about. We just want people to laugh. Have a good time. Learn a little history while you do it.

So go over there. Give us suggestions of episodes you want to hear. And thank you everybody for following us on Instagram. And giving us your favorite moments from 2018. I posted those all in the stories. There was a bunch of funny moments. And they brought back a lot of good memories We're only 10 months old

So happy almost year to History Hyenas And 2019 is going to be a great year We're going to get big, we're going to come to your town We're going to do live shows And it's up to you to spread the word Make us big Apparently when you recommend us to your friends Some of them think Chris is a gay kid

It's what it is Thank you guys so much for the support Follow me at Christy Comedy when you recommend us to your friends. Some of them think Chris is a gay kid. It's what it is. Thank you guys so much for the support. Follow me at Christy Comedy, Giannis Pappas at Giannis Pappas for all our show dates. I have a special coming out at Comedy Central January 18th at 11 o'clock. It's Friday at 11,

so it should be a good time. A lot of people probably watch. All right, I'm going gonna go suck a dick ស្រូវាប់បានប់បានប់បានប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់