History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 49 - Queens are WILD!

Episode Date: January 13, 2019

We start our feminine month by covering Mary, Queen of Scots and of course get wild while do it!Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

What's up, cuzzy wuzzies? You're listening to the Bay Ridge to the History Hyenas. With you as always, your two straight white male hosts, Chris DiStefano aka Chrissy Croissance and Giannis Pappas aka Yanni the Jewface um Zach Isis here as always um on the controls forgetting to um put up the episodes on time and uh he's just over there just being a straight Muslim and uh we love him to death and this is a great podcast. It's all males, so it is patriarchy dominated. That's sad, but that's why today to counterbalance that, because we just want to be with the

times and we understand how evil men are and how we're not necessary in society. Today, we're going to do an episode about Mary, Queen of Scots. Wow. Yeah. So we can have- Who was a fucking piece. Who was a piece and probably didn't have fumes. Yeah.

And so, yeah, so just to help, you know, our, you know, the members of the matriarchy who are offended by us being men. Yeah. So, yeah. So that's what we're going to do. If you're going to be a muzzy, you better be straight. Oh, yeah. Or else that's going to happen to your head.

Make no mistake, the religion of Islam and Queen Elizabeth, they deal with people they don't like similarly. Yeah. Off with your head. Yeah, it's like, okay. Because is there a more famous person who's lost their head than Mary, Queen of Scots? Is there a more famous person who's lost her head than Mary, Queen of Scots? Well, yeah. I guess, I mean, well, I mean, Marie Antoinette lost her head, and Anne Boleyn lost her head.

Cute. Cute. Yeah. So they, yeah. But I mean, yeah, Mary, Queen of Scots, yeah. I mean, she's a famous one that fucking lost her head. Oh, and the French, the French Revolution, they cut some heads off. Louis, King Louis, right?

He got beheaded, too. I think they beheaded him. Kill, kill, kill, kill. Kill, kill, kill, kill. Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. It's a cute way to kill someone. Yeah, you just chop the head right off. Make no mistake, it's quick. The most famous person with no head, though, has got to be the Headless Horseman, Sleepy Hollow. That's a good point, but you know what would also be funny?

They put your head, first of all, okay, let's say you're French back then. First of all, you being French would be hilarious just to start. Because French guys kind of look like women. They're kind of skinny. Yeah. They eat a lot of butter, but sensibly. Right. So it's like they have a croissant, but it's a mini croissant.

Yeah. And they're full. Why are they full? Because most of their meal is just coffee and cigarette. That's what it is. So they just need a little food, and then most of what they consume is coffee and cigarette. Now, you look like an American kid. Yeah.

You look like a- I look like a cheeseburger, you look like an American kid. Yeah. You look like... I look like a cheeseburger. You look like an American gladiator. Yeah. You look like an athlete, but not really. You look like an athlete for a TV show. Yeah. Like American gladiator.

Yeah. I look like an American gladiator. I have the head of a male American gladiator and the body of a female American gladiator. Yeah, you got the body of a jellyfish. It's what it is. It's what it is. It's what it is. But you look like an American kid, so to picture you in a time piece, in a period piece, is one of my favorite things to do.

Yeah. Because, first of all, it is what it is. Comedy is your future. I know you had a dream to maybe do drama. Right. You know, you want to be in big movies. Yeah. But you're going to be a hitman or the guy standing behind Al Pacino who doesn't talk.

Yeah. Who just looks like he has a big head and knows Krav Maga. Yeah. Because once you open your mouth. Yeah. You sound like Edith from All in the Family and it is what it is. It's just what it is. It's just what it is.

So I picture you. I'm built. I'm on this planet to be funny and do comedy and that's what it is. Because you're a 10 out of 10 funny kid. You said I'm on a funny frequency. That's how I operate. You operate on a funny frequency. Musically, you exist in a funny place.

Yeah. Like, Isis exists in a place where he can't get the fucking Patreon episodes up. Yeah, but that's also because he's a 23-year-old dumb fucking kid. He's got tattoos on his finger, and it is what it is. It is what it is. He thought that was a good idea. Yeah. But picturing you back in the French times, when they marched you down to the guillotine,

it's funny because, first of all, you're walking around in those stockings and those pointy shoes. Yeah. You know, and your big butt. And it's funny because you probably, they put hard to find pants because those pants, your butt probably took so much of the fabric of the pants up that you really got bad wedgie around your balls. Or they probably even just gave up on finding me pants and just put me in a chef's apron. And just have my butt out. Yeah, because you'd flourish in Greek and Rome because you'd be able to wear...

Togas? You'd be able to wear a toga, which is good. And so it's like wearing a smock, so they wouldn't be able to see your butt. But the tight clothes era? Not going to work. It's not going to work. So you're sitting there walking up with your French clothes. First of all, you got one of those wigs on and your ponytail's flapping.

Yeah. Right? Well, no, I may have had long hair back then. You might have had long hair. I might have just had long hair. Yeah. So you got long hair and you're walking up and you're walking up with your big Viking head and your Neanderthal forehead and those tight, tight half pants, right? So you got a big wedgie around your balls

and a big fat ass and you're bopping up there with that trash monkey to get killed to the guillotine. But I still don't get it. I still don't understand. I'm just saying hello to everybody and saying what's up. I'm still looking at toots. Yeah, you go, bonjour, bonjour. What's up, baby? Bonjour.

Yo, DM me. Yeah, you're looking down because you're texting. You're doing 100 things. You don't even know you're getting walked to the guillotine because you haven't paid attention yet because you still got to go do 15 minutes box with Sergio. That's what it is. So you're all over the place. Yeah, because I still got to take my baby mama's grandma to therapy.

Yeah, you got 14 French women from the south of France who you need to support, and you don't support their dreams. That's what it is. I'm like, listen, can we just get this over with quick because I got to take my daughter to get chicken fingers at Pizzeria Uno. So they march you up there, and then they put your head down on the guillotine. But they realize that the carpenter who designed and actually carved the bottom half of the wood piece that you put your head in, your head doesn't fit in there. That's what it is.

So they decide to not use that and just try to hack it off without it. It takes a good couple hacks! It takes a few hacks, probably ten, or another thing they might do is just put half my head in it and just stout me! And then it'd be interesting because then they'd see that my brain

is not of human material, but I am a cyborg. Yeah, or your brain. I just picture your brain as made of cake. Yeah. You like cupcakes. Because I'm a kid who, I'll tell you what, I woke up excited Sunday morning because Saturday night I passed on tiramisu. And it excited me that I had the willpower. But then, because I was excited and in a good mood, I just had pancakes.

Yeah. It's what it is. Because that's not a dessert. Yeah. And I had cedar plank salmon every day for lunch because I'm like, that's healthy. But I also had it with garlic mashed potatoes. And then I also had, if I'm going to be honest with you, a few bros. Chrissy Salmons.

Are you Chrissy Nine Slices yet? To be honest with you, I haven't had a slice of Pete's since Wednesday night. Wow, you're Chrissy no slices. Well, yeah, because Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I was in places that don't have Pete's. I was in Salt Lake City, Utah, so no Pete's. Then I was in Denver, Colorado, no Pete's. And then I was in Aspen, Colorado, no Pete's. Guys, you were in a Bruce Willis movie this weekend.

You had to evacuate a plane. you had to evacuate a plane i had to evacuate a plane and i didn't know that you almost died because i just insensitively texted back uh did you have to evacuate because you farted yeah and i laughed hard really almost died well i didn't almost die what happened was is we were landing in dallas because i had a layover because there's no direct flights from Aspen to New York because they're fucking toots. So I had a layover in Dallas. When we landed in Dallas, everything was fine. But then there was smoke that filled the cabin.

And I don't know if it was a lithium battery or Giannis' lithium medication that he takes was off or something happened internally on the plane, but we had to run off the plane. Like, open the emergency exits and, like, run off. And I had to open up the emergency exit door. And I did. Were you able to do it? Yeah, yeah. I just pulled down and pushed down and it opened.

You guys had to run. Now, you were with Sal Volcano. No, Sal Volcano wasn't on the flight. Oh, where was he? Sal Volcano and his beautiful fianceecano wasn't on the flight. Oh, where was he? Sal Volcano and his beautiful fiance took a later flight in Aspen and they got snowed in. So I got out, because I had

a flight from Aspen at 6 a.m. The flight attendant specifically told us, they said just get off the plane, evacuate, evacuate, evacuate, do not take your carry-ons, do not take the bags under your seat, get off the plane. And if I've got to be honest with you, and this is just a fact, and I'm not saying it's a stereotype, but it's just what I saw,

the only family that took their bags off the plane were wearing yarmulkes. What do you mean? Just what it is. So, I mean, like there was a Jewish... They said, leave your stuff. Leave your stuff. But the Jewish family in front of me took their stuff off the plane. And you know what?

In fairness, it was very smart of them to do that because they made their connecting flight from Dallas to New York. And I missed mine because I had to wait two and a half hours to retrieve my bags from the plane. So I think that I think that Abraham and Sarah and their kids, Moishe and Shesasha, they knew that it was going to be a long time. Yeah. So they made their flight. So I actually said, good job. When we got to the tournament, I was like, good job. And they're like, yes, yes.

They went. But it's hey. Thank you. Thank you. And then my connecting flight from when I finally got on a flight from Dallas to New York, about an hour into flight, all of a sudden, you know, they start coming on the loudspeaker, code red, code red. So nobody knows what that means. And obviously, we all got terrified again. This is another flight. So a separate flight, code red, code red. A woman, are there any doctors on board? I guess a woman in the back was having heart problems or sick or something like that. So doctors and flight attendants started sprinting back. And yeah,

it was just a wild, wild thing. You had what we call in the business a fucking day. I had a fucking day and now I have a stye on my eye. Yeah, because we just know, look, me and Harvey Spencer's friends are very concerned about what you're

doing when you go to Houston. Because you have pink eye, which only means that you had a guy squat on your face. It's what it is. Well, if I'm being honest with myself, I'd put my head in Saval Cano's ass in Denver. I know

it's a history podcast, and we're going to talk about history and Queen Mary of Scots, and it's going to be dope, but I just want to say publicly, well, to our fans, because it's our free app, and if you want to hear more about my trip

and more about the Queen Mary, Queen of Scots, then go to patreon.com slash bayrichboys and join the matriarchy and stop being a toot. But I just want to say, because I know you feel the same, that Sal Vaucano from the Impractical Jokers

is the best guy I've ever met. He's just a number one fucking guy. Yeah. Like, I don't. Me and Sal have known each other for a little while. Yeah. And we've hung hard a few times. Yeah.

So I haven't known him even that long, but I just feel like he's my best friend. Yeah. Because he's just that great of a guy. He's just. I can't explain to you how nice of a guy. He feels like family. Like, I feel like I'm with family when I'm with Sal and his fiance. And it's just like.

And she's equally as cool. She's the greatest. I'm just not saying her name because I don't know if, you know, I don't know. But I just love them both. I'll just give you a little insight into what we do. But Sal's got jacked up feet. I mean, he's a flat-footed kid. Yeah.

Because we like to talk about people who Sal's got jacked up feet. I mean, he's a flat-footed kid. Yeah, because we like to talk about people who have Brutes Magoots feet, like me and Giannis, and Sal's part of the Brutes Magoots Foot Club. Yeah, he's got a fucking toot on each one of his legs, and the bottom is a toot. He's got two toes. He's got tooty feet.

But we're in a business that rewards narcissism, really. Yes. The people who climb to the top, who tweet about Time's Up and all that stuff, those people would cut your throat to get ahead, because that's what you have to be like in this business. That's the irony about them, is they're all about diversity and inclusion,

but if you start to take their shine away, they will cut your fucking head off. That's the only problem I have with it. Yeah, it's just hypocritical because personally, sometimes you know a few of them and you see what they're posting. And they pretend to care about something. And you're like, I know that person. And they don't care about anyone, let alone what they're posting about. They don't even care about the people in their lives, let alone issues. This is a show. It's a

show because they know they get points for it. They know they get followers for it. And what I'm saying is just true because I'm an insider and a few of these people I've been around. So it is what it is. But Saul Volcano, who's someone who's obviously extremely successful

and a practical... If you haven't seen the Impractical Jokers, then you're probably a toot. Kano, who's someone who's obviously extremely successful. If you haven't seen the Impractical Jokers, then you're probably a toot. Because if you live in middle America, or if you live in any part of America, you've seen the Impractical Jokers. You probably think the network it's on is called the Impractical Jokers network. I think they have 51% of the viewership on TruTV. Yeah, meaning they play it 51% of the time. If you remove their show from True TV, I don't know if you would have True TV. If we're just being honest.

No diss on them. But if we're just being honest. Well, you'd still have Brooke Van Poppelen's show. No, that's canceled. That's canceled. Yeah. You have Adam Ruins Everything and The Carbonara Effect, which also are good shows.

Yeah, those are good shows. But I don't know if they could sustain a network like the impractical jokers can no they really do and um so he's just a guy who's extremely successful done very well he's very rich now oh yeah he is and he's and he and he is very gracious because he pays me yeah and he's but he's just a normal, great guy. Right. Which is nice. It's nice for people to know.

It's nice for us to meet people. You know, it's like you meet people who have done very well. It's just good that they're just still normal people. Yes. And when I mean normal, I mean just a regular fucking guy whose priorities are just the same as yours and mine. He just wants to have a good time. He wants to have a good conversation. He wants to have a good conversation. He loves the Christmas spirit.

And he will buy you Cujin necklaces. We don't know where they are. Yeah. It was a great gift he gave us. We lost them. It was a nice gift. And I was so happy. And he held onto it for 10 months.

And it was so gracious. And then I got on a flight and left it on the flight. I don't know where he is. I think Chrissy moved a bunch of times in the last couple months and in the movie it's just a box in his back and he must have just hit the floor when he pulled out a couch from the back of his Jeep. From the back of my Jeep.

And if I'm being honest with myself, I've lived with a few toots since then. Because when you go down on that fateful day and I... How many years do I have left? You're going before me. A kid who gets tattoos on his fingers

is not going to live a long time. He's here for a good time, not a long time, as you would say. Yeah, he's here for a good time and not a long time. And you will go down before me. As you can see, my dad's 90 and his head falls off and it comes back on. Yeah, your dad just keeps dying and coming back to life. He keeps coming back to life.

So I'm going to be here for a long time, even though I'm a little older than you. So I'm going to be one of the guys who gives the speeches. I'm going to say, here lies the very funny Chris DiStefano. All-time scorer in Division 3 St. Joe's basketball history he played for one month in Tahiti and we all know

he was a very funny guy history hyena, Bay Ridge boy very accomplished comedian in his own right physical therapist but what do we know him best as? Just a guy who's known to bang a few toots. Here lies a guy from Ridgewood

who's banged a few toots or three. It's what it is. We all know him as Chrissy Wellfarts. Aquafarts. Chrissy Texting Toots. You got a lot of fucking nicknames, cuz. I like Chrissy Nine Slices. I like Chrissy Nine Slices. And then somebody called me Kool Klux Chrissy texting dudes. Yeah. You got a lot of fucking nicknames, cuz. Yeah. I like Chrissy Nine Slices.

I like Chrissy Nine Slices. And then somebody called me Kuklux Chrissy. It's what it is. We got funny fans. Cuz if you're not on our Patreon at patreon.com slash bayridgeboys, you are missing out on how funny our Matreon members are. I mean, because what we'll do now is, you know, what we'll do at the end of the podcast, I mean,

is we read out the new members of the Matreon. We read some of the comments they send us are so funny, and we like to give you guys a little taste of them. And we call members of the Matriarchy live on the potty, and we talk to them. So if you want to get a part of it, it's just a couple of dollars a month go to patreon.com slash bay rich boys don't be a toot and if you're going to recommend the podcast to a few of your friends and those friends happen to be african-american you just want to tell him that chris he's a straight kid but he'll joke about and

say anything and he just doesn't care reality is is a suggestion. Because make no mistake, black kids are like, nah, man, nah, man, nah, man, with all that fucking skull fuck shit. Nah, man. Yeah, but Dr. Lee Harvey Oswald of South Carolina, the fucking best dentist in South Carolina history. No, what is it? Dr. Harvey Weinstein. Dr. Harvey Spencer. Weinstein. And he's a dentist, so his friends are what?

Wait! Dr. Harvey... His name is... Go check him out. His name is Dr. Harvey Weinstein Oswald... Dr. Harvey Weinstein Oswald Spencer. Spencer. It's what it is.

So head over to our Patreon page. If you're not a member... And listen. Stop... I mean, if you gotta talk to your girlfriend, or if you're a girl and you're talking to your boyfriend about your monthly budget or whatever, it is fucking $5 a month yeah you need it for

entertainment because you know what's going to get you out of your um financial woes right now is a little comedy yeah so instead of paying money for weed or instead of paying money to keep your lights on just listen to us in the dark yeah or if you're watching the golden globes you're going why is andy samberg and uh what was her name i didn't wear the golden globes last night hosted by you're like why are they hosting not kevin hart it's like because that's what's going that's what the industry's doing right now yeah is they're just punishing people for tweeting things if you want funny that is uncensored and we're going for the laugh and you know we're good kids then it's here

and you gotta cough up a couple bucks to support it that's all because hollywood's not doing this right now not at all so just cough up a couple bucks think of it this way if me and chrissy came to your town and you bought one ticket to see us you're gonna be paying 40 to 50 bucks or whatever that's basically the amount you're spending for the year to fucking support us. Good call. It's one ticket, one show, five bucks a month to get the bonus episode. So every week, if you join the Patreon at patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys, every week at $5, you get an additional podcast that is only available to our Patreon members. And it's wild and also for for our patreon uh members when this podcast comes out come to providence uh providence uh

rhode island comedy connection friday and saturday tomorrow and saturday because janice poppins is with me i'm coming with chrissy yeah history tours all right do you want to talk cuz i want to talk queen mary scottsdale because she's a piece number two because fuck the patriarchy. It's time to get some women in here. And number three, it's very confusing, so we need some time. Let me just start off. Let me sound the horn.

Hold on. And now we're ready to begin. I mean, how crazy is it that there's just water with it? Yeah. You just have water in your ass. I just have a water ass. You need to take some water pills and fuck. Maybe your ass is infl water with it. Yeah. You just have water in your ass. I just have a water ass. You need to take some water pills and fuck. Maybe your ass is inflated with water.

Cuz, did you hear the fart that I ripped on Instagram? I did hear it. Was it a 10 out of 10 fart? Yeah, yeah. I just want to, just real quick, and then we're going to do this. I just, and I know some people are like, Ew, this is the gross part of the podcast, but it's just so 10 out of 10 funny to me that I just got to do it.

Do it. Do it. It's so beautiful. It sounds like a whooping cushion with water. Because it broke Sal Vulcano. Did you see us laughing? Yeah, you guys. I mean, it was to the point where Frenchette, because we were laughing like that for about two minutes, where his fiance just started filming it.

Because it was broken. Sal, we were both broken. Tearing. That's maybe where I got the sty. Yeah, maybe. I'm telling you, farts, it doesn't get funnier than farts. Yeah, I don't care if someone's like, I'm five times funny. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Okay. By the way, I'm going to be in Canada. If you listen to this in Canada, I will be in Hamilton, Ontario, January 24th to 26th. Yeah, but we're going to do that at the end. Well, if you sneak a minute in the middle like you just did, it's better because people tune out. Oh, yeah, okay. Well, then if that's the case, then I'll be January 18th and 19th.

I'll be at the MGM Comedy Club in Springfield, Massachusetts. So come if you're in New England, too. Come. I have a second room to bang you. Because we got to do an episode on Springfield, Massachusetts because it's called the City of Homes. Yeah. And that's where fucking Smith and Wesson started the gun.

And basketball. But you know what? Yeah. But you know what I was thinking? Yeah. I was thinking since we're doing Mary Queen of Squats, do you want to do like two months in a row fucking straight matriarchy episodes? Yeah.

We'll call woman history hyenas women's month well we do four queens yeah one month not two dope ones but four fucking real queens and then real quick just because i'm sorry because you just my brain turned into a dreidel because we just went into g-mo real quick i have my special size 38 ways coming out january 18th on comedy central 11 o'clock. Yeah, watch it! It's a good time! You better fucking watch it! Okay, Queen Mary of Scots, also known as the Lady in Red, who is not Bloody Mary.

A lot of people just think Queen Mary of Scots is Bloody Mary. It's not true. Bloody Mary was King Henry VIII's daughter. Yeah, so why is it, at this time, there's two famous Marys. Yeah, Mary Tudor, who's King Henry VIII's daughter, and Mary Stuart, who is the daughter... How is...

Mary Stuart, who will become Queen Mary of Scots, her father died in battle, and then her mother was French. Her mother was from France. Yeah. So she, instead of... The whole thing with this time period was Catholics versus Protestants. That's what I'm saying. Everybody was a Catholic, and then King Henry VIII wanted to marry a few toots, so he broke

out of the Catholic faith and created the Church of England, the Protestant religion, which were Protestants, the C of E, Church of England, and this is where all the drama started. Yeah. So, yeah, Queen Mary. King Henry VIII is the central player in that, right? Huge. Well, King Henry VIII is the central player in that, right? Huge. Well, King Henry VIII is the only reason there is a Church of England,

and the only reason why the majority of England is not Catholic is because King Henry VIII wanted to marry Anne Boleyn. That's just a fact. It's so crazy when you think about how much the English monarchy has influenced everyday people all over the world. You've got to remember, the British Empire, the world's biggest and most famous and most powerful empire before the United States. You got to give that fucking crown.

Yeah. To the Brits. Before Jordan. We're Jordan. They were definitely magic and the Lakers for sure. Because they ran shit. We did the wedding episode. That was all because of fucking british queens getting big

married having those ceremonies and now every girl wants that and now all the protestants and catholics around the world it's all fucking england it's all england and yeah we were jordan and they were magic and now they have aids because of the brexit um so it's just what it is um so um yeah actually mary queen of scott uh her father died of Scott Her father died When she Her father died of a fever Pussy Just a full fucking

Head cold fever What a fucking pussy What a puss Her pops died And he was king Of Scotland And That's like Haybert

You could kill Haybert With a peanut Easily kill Haybert With a peanut Haybert's the type of kid Gloobert I like Gloobert Gloobert

That's another one Of our matriarchy memories Yeah Combine the two And call him Gloobert? I like Gloobert. That's another one of our matriarchy members that combined the two and calls him Gloobert. If we really wanted to go viral and get this podcast to the next level, we should have Heybert come in and be like, we want to invite you as the third member

of the Bay Ridge Boys and the third member of the History of Ahinas and just have his fucking chair coated in peanut oil and just let him sit there and keep the camera on his dumb face and then we'll lock the doors it's because he's allergic to peanuts and he will die if he has he has you know and then we'll just say he burnt he burnt um okay so uh first of all here's here's a fun here's a fun fact because here here's the thing as you know like i was i was born and raised, I'm a homosexual. That's basically just not out of the clause yet because my father's still alive.

You heard that, boys of Herbie Spencer? Yeah, I've said that I got skull fucked by the McManus brothers in Ridgewood, and it's just what it is. Yeah, but that wasn't by choice. You were raped! Yeah, it's what it is! It is what it is! So, I'm a kid who, you know, a lot of times, you know, because I went to Catholic school, I would get, like, you know, beat up by the public school kids.

I'd get wedgies. You know, as a kid, I liked history. I was into all kinds of stuff, you know. So, I was a big fan of nursery rhymes. I would say nursery rhymes, you know, in my head a lot. You know, I would do that. And one of them I used to say all the time was, Mary, Mary, quite contrary contrary how does your garden grow with silver bells and cockle shells up and pretty maids all in a row yeah that's what i would say a lot and i didn't know until i started doing

my research because i would just say it i would just bang it out you know it'd be one of those things where like you know for example like i'm getting skull fucked and in my head i'm just saying mary mary quite contrary how does your garden grow with silver bells and cockle shells all pretty maids in a row? I would just keep saying it and keep doing it. And I didn't realize that that's about Mary, Queen of Scots. That nursery rhyme was made up about her life. Because Mary, Mary, quite contrary, actually, what it means is that when Mary, Queen of Scots became queen, it was almost illegal.

It was actually illegal for a woman to become in power. It had to have extenuating circumstances. So, you know, because it was all kings, the patriarchy. I like this version better. Mary, Mary, quite contrary. Trim that pussy, it's so damn hairy. Oh! I love that.

Remember that? That is his version. Dice Clay. So that was about Mary Queen of Scots that was about Mary Queen of Scots because Mary Mary

quite contrary is about her it being contrary that she's the queen when it's supposed to be a patriarchy king dominated society El Corral

how does your garden grow was about being the ruler of Scotland because make no mistake Scotland's a rainy place and it's a green place and I like the rain and I like the green

I'm a kid who just came from Denver and my new thing is THC CBD oils. How did you go? Silver bells and cockle shells. Silver bells and cockle shells is a kind of play on her being Catholic, because she was really Catholic, and it was a divided spot, because we use a lot of silver bells. I could tell you firsthand as a Catholic kid kid we use silver bells and cockle shells i've had to suck a few cockle shells

in the rectory and it's just what it is shout out father bill and then pretty maids all in a row the last part some say it's about the execution of queen mary because she did get her head cut off and maids used to be another name for guillotine. It used to be called the maid before that, but really it's probably about her four closest friends who were four fucking pieces all named Mary, all the daughters of Scottish nobility

and because they're white, they could all date my daughter. Here's the thing about Catholicism. Gotta give that a, you gotta give that a way Sean Cheehan. We're 28 minutes into the podcast and you haven't given me one Weishanxian you're gonna cost my career you fucking Muslim

I mean the guy was on the fucking plane in his story before talking about Yamakus all over the place and there was no Weishanxians to be found yeah so give me 10 Weishanxians in a row can we get 3 retroactive Wei Zhongxian? Those are retroactive. Those are retroactive ones, so if you want to write a blog about this and ruin our careers,

just know that ten minutes after you fucking tried to ruin us, we gave away Zhongxian and saved ourselves. Christian teacher, stop messaging our friends. We don't like you. It is what it is. Oh, God. Here's the thing about Catholicism. I'm just kidding. We love Christ the teacher.

The religion Catholicism is almost worth it for what it does. The unique way it sexually represses you, if you're a female at least. Right. It's almost worth it. Yeah. Like almost like all the horror that Christiana committed is worth it for like

The Magic of Christmas. Yeah. It's almost all the horribly repressive sexual things it does to the females. Yeah. It's almost worth it for how hungry for dick

they become. They love cum. Because make no mistake I've been with a few Catholic girls. Yeah. And they have no fumes. Because all the shit I had to go through going through Catholic school and being raised a Catholic was worth it for Christmas. The girls that I got to bang out and Linzer Tarts.

Linzer Tarts. That's a Christmas cookie. It is a Christmas. That's a Christmas German cookie. You want to hear something very funny? Yes. You want to hear something very funny? Yes.

This is aside from the podcast. Yeah. We're getting back to the history. Yeah, we are. But this is why we're the Australians. This is what we do. This is what we do. We go in and out of history and it's what it is.

Tell your friends. Tell your friends. Yeah. And tell them, listen, they may love, hate it, just keep listening and tell Harvey Spencer's friends that Chris is not a gay kid. But I do want his fucking utensils in my mouth. He's a dentist.

I had a fucking dream that you were eating Linza tarts. I had a dream. It was a dream. I'm talking about a real dream where I woke up where you were collecting Linza tarts. Where Big Buck Christie was collecting Linzis? It's a funny story because you were in your apartment and I was over and you were wearing an apron that said DeStefano.

And you were pulled out a cooking tray of Lindsay tarts that you had made. And you told me that you put Welch's grape jelly in the middle of them. Yeah, because I was trying to attract the rocks. That's a real dream I had. Can you believe? Why would I dream that um i don't know your fucking mind is wild yeah you're a fucking you know welch's you love welch's grape juice i just moved the camera sorry you love welch's grape juice no it wasn't rich it was the welch's grape

jelly oh welch's grape jelly you love welch's grape jelly we had a linza tart of pepinos a couple of weeks ago yeah and um yeah you just you just dream about me because you secretly want to bang me out yeah i want to sit in your lap bad bad merry christmas okay so remember just remember that you know queen mary of scott well mary queen of scotts is not mary queen of scotts is mary uh stewart and bloody mary is mary tudor okay mary tutor and bloody and listen once you know they're both catholics okay i mean bloody mary mary tudor okay mary tudor and bloody and listen once you know they're both catholics okay i mean bloody mary mary tudor king henry's daughter was the reason why she got the name bloody mary's because she killed a lot of protestants fucking murdered a lot of like 300 high-ranking protestants yeah so and and mary queen of scotts at least from what history says

was not as mean as uh uh bloody mary mary queen of scots didn't really kill anybody i think that was one of the i think history gave her the name mary queen of scots but if our podcast was bigger like back then we would have changed her name because what she should really be called is mary queen of fucking for rome because she was 5 11 supposedly yeah she was like as tall as Cindy Crawford. She was like a model height. And supposedly her face was fucking could go deep. Could go deep. And because she was

born in Scotland, Giannis has a thing if you were born in the northern countries, and Scotland's a very north country, then you have no fumes. You just got no fumes because Santa has no fumes. Santa's got no fumes. And by the way, I was blanking on the name and I apologize because I know people are probably going fucking wild. Because I know especially a guy like Chris the Teacher and Jen Begakis and Rafael DeLuca, they already knew who Mary Queen of Scots' father was and how it was all related to King Henry VIII.

And her father was King James V. Mary Queen of Scots, a.k.a. Mary Stewart's father was King James V. And that's significant because that was King Henry VIII's nephew. So that's how it's all connected. These people were not original with the fucking names. It's like Henry, James, Mary, Elizabeth, Victoria, and there's like a hundred of them. Yeah.

Can you throw one fucking Jerome in there? That's what it was. Yeah. And listen, because King Henry VIII, listen, here's the thing. Here's how shit got started. And this is why, look, religion is not Franks and Beans. I'm not going to say religion is Franks and Beans because I know it helps a lot of people, you know,

and at times it has helped me, and I think it's a fine thing, truly. But in this time period and time periods really up until very recently, you have to be a Franks and and beans fucking person to kill someone or want to cause harm to someone because they don't believe your god is real but they believe their god is that's a franks and beans thing the religion is not franks and beans go ahead do it whatever helps you but don't think you're you're any better than anybody else because your god is this says this and their god says that and that's why king henry the eighth uh in invaded scotland because he wanted he wanted scotland back for himself because his nephew uh mary queen of

scott's father king james the fifth was still remained um catholic and hated king henry the eighth for doing what he did it was at very public about like you're a fucking toot don't talk to me you dirty church of england protestant motherfucker we're catholics over here so king henry the eighth invaded scotland for that sole reason and then king unfortunately king james the fifth queen mary scott's queen uh mary queen of scott's father got a little head cold and a fever and died he was weak yeah but this just lets you know how powerful the catholic church was back then i mean it was like king henry the eighth who was basically the leader of the most powerful empire at the time right was intimidated of the pope and had to couldn't do what he wanted

to do because the pope disagreed with it right so he had to fucking take matters in his own hands and make it happen but it was that it was an issue yeah shows how powerful the pope is yeah and so it was at nine months old that happened uh the king king james the sixth died i'm sorry king james the fifth died when mary queen of scots was just seven days old and then at nine months old they just crowned uh mary queen of scots the queen of england because their uh queen marie of france and king james the V also had two twin sons, but one day those two twin sons just died mysteriously, probably because of all the nobles.

Here's how fucking wild it was in medieval times. Anytime a king died, your family could just be murdered. The day before, you were untouchable, and then if the king died, you're just done. So do you see? Do you see that people want to go down with the patriarchy? Go down.

Try to bring us down and see what happens. It's amazing to me that this system flourished for so long. For so long. You have these powerful inbred families

from different countries and kingdoms, by the way. Yeah. There were probably a few kids who were Franks and Beans back then from incest, right? Oh my God, the incest is crazy. Cousins marrying. One of them married

his cousin. They all did. Somebody in this scenario married a cousin. It was Mary Stewart's father or cousin or brother. They're all... And then also, it's these different families from different kingdoms that try to unite kingdoms. So they'll go like,

I want to unite Scotland and England, so we'll make this arranged marriage. Boom, boom, boom. By the way, I think she was first married at 10, right? Who? Married Queen of Scots? Yeah, that was like marriage age was like 10. Well, no. She was engaged to King Henry VIII's son when she was nine months old.

Yeah, because they promised that that would happen. They promised that would happen. But I think, like, was her first marriage at 10? Her first marriage was at 10 to the Dolphin of the... Dolphin is like, you know, the king in waiting of France because Mary, Queen of Scots' mother was from France

and eventually she smuggled Mary, Queen of Scots out of Scotland and into France and Mary, Queen of Scots grew up the first part of her life in France because she was safe there. Because everybody wanted to kill her and all the nobility in Scotland, England

wanted to kill them because the mother was French and they were Catholic. It was becoming a dominant Protestant society. Yeah, she was a nurse. She probably had a little anxiety as a person because she was never really safe. Absolutely.

It's amazing that that system works where these rich families, they're protected by this class of people who are warriors and military. And then on the other side, you just have these serf class of people who are warriors and military. And then on the other side, you just have these serf and peasants who are just looking up at these castles. It's fucking wild that they were able to maintain it because these people were fucking weird. I went to Stirling Castle where Mary Queen of Scots was crowned queen and where Braveheart had famous battles. And let me tell you something.

That's a fucking cute castle with a lot of natty light. It is. But, you know, Europeans are kind of Franks and Beans for the feudal system. They still have it in a lot of these countries, where they still pay for royal families, and they love, like, looking up to the queen. The monarchy right now is stupid. It's fucking stupid.

If you've got poor people in your streets in England, it cuts. Just know, if you live in England right now, you live in the UK, and you see a homeless person, just know that the Queen Elizabeth, as nice as she is, is just sucking the bone marrow out of some small child just for dessert. While your family is homeless on the streets. The monarchy is stupid. Your tax dollars are going to pay for something that's fucking stupid. At least put your tax dollars in something that's going to mean something like the wall. Way something.

Yeah, so Mary Queen of Scots. She returns from France. Yeah, she returns from France. To become Queen of Scotland. To become Queen of Scotland, and just to be a dick? She used to spell her name the English way, Mary Stewart,

S-T-E-W-A-R-T, but when she signs the paperwork to become Queen, she makes it the French way, S-T-U-A-R-T, and make no mistake, that pissed some people off. Yeah, because, listen, the French and the English, they've had a culture war since the beginning.

They just don't like each other, and I get it. Yeah. I don't like either one of them. Because when you go to France, they make you speak French, and they look at you stupid, and all I got to say is, listen, we won the wars. You speak American wherever you go. Okay, France? We're tired of bailing you out.

Freedom fries! Yeah! So, yeah, so there's a lot of beef. And then, look, basically the rest of... Mary, Queen of Scott, you know, and there's a movie coming out, right, with Helena Bonham Carter playing her, and it's really just, like, it's very powerful, and I want to see it.

Yeah, supposedly, you know, the movie really emphasizes how her and Elizabeth, who, by the way, were first cousins, you know, the movie really emphasizes how her and Elizabeth, who, by the way, were first cousins, Elizabeth I, how they both were kind of just trapped in this

patriarchal system where it's like, do we marry and have children to ensure that our dynasties persist? But on the flip side, if we do that, we risk usurpation

by the men we marry and we lose our power. So we're not really the manipulative, strong, kind of fierce people that history said we were. We're just victims of a male p-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h here's here's and again it's it happens now it happens in history nobody the thing is truly nobody cares and women listen i know that we got a lot of toots that are that have went on to patreon.com slash by rich boys and we appreciate this and this is not about you but any non-toot who has not joined our matriarchy yet who's not went on patreon.com this is to you i know like it's all about like girl power and this net and i respect that i have a three-year-old daughter so i'm all about it but make no mistake i know that strictly you all about like girl power and this and that and I respect that I have a three year old daughter so I'm all about it but make no mistake I know that strictly you all fucking

hate each other because Queen Elizabeth who was Mary Queen of Scots cousin Queen Elizabeth was King Henry the 8th's daughter and when Mary Queen of Scots got imprisoned in Scotland the act the reigning Queen of England could have just sent one letter

and just made one announcement say Mary Queen of England could have just sent one letter and just made one announcement and said, Mary Queen of Scots, you're out of prison. What are you doing? But she didn't. She did not because, make no mistake, Queen Elizabeth did not like Mary Queen of Scots, her own cousin, because the people say she thought she was too pretty. Yeah. That's why she didn't like her.

But it's not that simple. Well, it's not that simple. She knew that she was a fucking ambitious bitch. She was Catholic. Elizabeth I returned Protestantism after fucking Bloody Mary. Elizabeth returned back to Protestantism. And remember, Bloody Mary and Elizabeth were sisters.

They're sisters, and then Elizabeth took the throne after Mary died. And then Mary, Queen of Scots, is a fucking Catholic girl. And she didn't want to a fucking Catholic girl. Yeah. And she didn't want to go to Catholic school. She didn't want to go to Catholic school. She didn't want to hike that shirt up.

She didn't want to get banged out. She didn't want to get banged out on spring break. Because King Henry VIII, he fucking, let's be honest, he was like a kid from the hood who had a lot of baby's mamas. Yeah, he had a lot of babies. He's like you, cuz. Cuz, he had a lot of baby's be honest. He was like a kid from the hood who had a lot of baby's mamas. Yeah, he had a lot of babies. He's like you, cuz. Cuz, he had a lot of baby's mamas. And make no mistake, if you didn't give him a son, he'd just cut your head off.

It's what it is. Yeah, because I remember my buddy Angelo Lozada, comedian, funny, one of the funniest guys around. He's got like 12 half-brothers and sisters. Yeah. And when I was reading about Marius Scott and this whole situation, I was going, yo, this kid could be from Washington Heights. Yeah, it's what it is, cuz, and make no mistake, Puerto Rican kids are funny kids. Angelo Lozado's got gray hair now,

and one time Sergio Chacon said that Angelo Lozado looks like he's working with Sheetrock all day. And it was a 10 out of 10 funny joke. One of the funniest things I've ever heard. If you ever see somebody with mostly gray hair, be like, yo, pa, what were you doing, working with Sheetrock out there? Yeah, it's hilarious.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So, yeah. So, basically, Mary were you doing working with She-Ra? Yeah, it's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So, yeah. So, basically, Mary, Queen of Scots, for like the last 20 years of her life, I think maybe even more, just went from prison to prison. Now, they were castle prisons, so they were cute, but she still was in prison. And Queen Elizabeth I, King Henry VIII's daughter, never really came to her aid.

She never really helped her because, make no mistake, bitches don't like bitches. That's right. Okay? It's just what it is. I'm not saying anything that ain't true. And listen, when you talk about this time, and you talk about the patriarchy, yeah, it was a little bit of a patriarchy, but guess what? Back then, there was no Jamaican nannies to watch your children when you gave birth

and you had to raise them, and a lot of times women died in childbirth. Yeah. It happened a lot. A lot of times, women died in childbirth. It happened a lot. A lot of times, they were stillborns. So it was a different time. It wasn't so easy for women to just get jobs because they were propped up by the amenities of modernity. Yeah! We got to make that t-shirt.

So basically, the rest of the story. Let me just say. Let's just say this. This is the time we're talking about. We're talking about Mary, Queen of Scotts bloody mary and queen elizabeth three fucking queens y'all yes and they were the most powerful women in the fucking world so yes queen yeah yeah way before beyonce um so basically mary queen of scott's life just goes from prison to prison there's plots and for her to escape then there's you know she she falls in

love with an earl uh one some earl in england and they write love letters together and then they start accusing uh mary queen of scott's um newborn children not to be of that of her husband who was this guy's name was lord daphne who fucking, he was just like a drunk piece of shit, and everybody hated him, but, um, uh, Mary Queen of Scots married him, and then there was, you know, it's the interesting thing, I think, yeah, what was his name? Lord, okay, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Danley, Lord Danley, so let me just, real quick, this is interesting, Lord Danley, Mary Queen of Scots marries him, and everybody's like, why would you marry him? He's like why would you marry them he's like barely noble but she was like whatever as soon as they get married he's just like a train wreck of a fucking he hates he's a booze hound yeah he's a booze hound

he's banging toots left and right he eventually actually dies of syphilis um well no he has he contracts syphilis and then dies in a mysterious explosion, which eventually is blamed on Mary Queen of Scots assassinating him, but it's not true. But anyway, he gets syphilis. So Mary Queen of Scots' kids don't have syphilis, so they start to think that she's cheating on the husband because none of the kids have syphilis, so you don't really know. But there was this guy, his name was David Rousseau,

and it was Mary Queenizabeth uh i'm sorry it was mary queen of scotts best fucking friend her bff and they started accusing because it was like he was in her advisor right her advisor but it was it was her secretary or something secretary yeah and it was her bff and he eventually get the guy um lord danley has him brutally executed in front of mary queen of scots because she's like you're a dirty whore you cheated on me those aren't my kids they're his kids but the truth of the matter is do you want to know what the truth about david rousseau is he was like my uncle russell and he was judging cats sucking cock now is that a that's a proven thing he was

a gay kid it's it's because i know that there's that he was one gay kid? It's alleged that he was. There's one historian that has that theory. He's alleged he's a gay kid. It's alleged though, right? It's alleged he's a little bit of a gay kid. ISIS, can you take a look at that? I mean, because, but let's think about it. If you're the Queen's secretary and you're her BFF

and she said on record, that's my best friend. Aren't you a little fucking, aren't you a little gay? Maybe, but listen. I mean, because Snooki's best friend is Joey Camasta. Yes, he is. You know? Fucking yes, I'd love to be rich, boys. Fucking yeah.

He sent me a message once and said, oh my God, you're wearing gray spot pants? I fucking can't. Yas. Yes. Because Mateo's fucking Instagram is... Woo! Gay porn.

Gay porn. If you want to get a little horned up, go to at Mateo Lane. Tell porn. If you want to get a little horned up, go to Atmatao Lane. Tell them we sent you. Wait, but didn't Queen of Scots. Mary Queen of Scots. Mary Queen of Scots bang this dude? When he got killed in front of her, wasn't she pregnant with his kid?

No, I don't think she was pregnant with his kid. She was pregnant with someone's kid. I think it was Lord Danley's kid, or it could have been this Earl's kid. Oh. Yeah, because, look, make no mistake. The guy Lord Danley was banging toots, he got syphilis. Yeah.

Okay, he pulled a Mark Norman. And he got syphilis. He got syphilis? Yeah, well, he's open about it. Yeah, okay. So, who did he get it from? Who knows? Boots!

Probably the same girl I did. What is it? What do I have on my eye? Yeah. So, yeah. So shit starts to get... It's kind of just a theory. It's something that's out there.

It's not confirmed, though. Yeah, some recent historian went that way, right? Well, yeah, because... But then in... Because that guy, David Rousseau, got killed, and she was pissed off, and she was already pricked up. They think that Lord Danley did

it in an attempt for Mary Queen of Scots to miscarry, because he didn't want to have that kid, but Queen Mary of Scots has the kid, and then baptizes him Catholic! And that pissed everybody off. She had him killed, right? She had Danley killed. After he killed... I'm getting the names confused.

After Danley killed David Rousseau... And he killed him brutally, like stabbed him a bunch of times in front of her. In front of Mary Queen of Scots in public. Well, they say that Lord Danley then, you know, shit started to turn on him and people did not sympathize with him. So he left Edinburgh and got as far as Glasgow. And then because he had syphilis, he got a little sick. But didn't she marry him afterwards?

Wasn't she with him? Like the dude that killed her secretary. Yeah. Didn't she end up with him after he killed her? No, no. That was her husband to begin with. That was her husband from the beginning. Oh, so she was with him before.

Because he got jealous and thought she was having an affair with him. Exactly. He thought he was banging it out. Ah, so Danley. Danley's the guy who died of syphilis. Well, he didn't die of syphilis. He died of syphilis, well, he didn't die of syphilis, he died in bed

in a place in Glasgow and there was an explosion that was found to have gunpowder She had him killed. underneath his bed and they say she had him killed

but people don't know because he had a lot of enemies because He was fucking stooped. He was a stooped fucking kid and this really began Mary Queen of Scots

problems because now she's back because there was this guy, his name was john knox but before you go just so we get it straight so she was married to him right he was a booze head and wild he thought that she was banging the gay dude gay dude who he turned out to be he turned out to be hello he turned out to be like i just want to fucking. I know that you guys think that I had sex with her. I can totally see it. But do you know who's really fucking hot?

Her brother. Yes. Yes. Okay. So, okay. Got it now. Got it. And that really starts to, that really starts, you know, Mary Queen of Scots problems because

she baptizes the kid Catholic. So that's a problem because there was the, basically, like we said, you couldn't get more powerful than religion back then. So there was this guy, his name was John Knox, and he was a Protestant, a big-time Protestant reverend that would fucking rant and rave and just go wild. And he had the country... That kid could sell

tickets. He was moving tickets? John Knox could move tickets and make no mistake. He had what we call the Adolf effect. Yeah, the Adolf effect. The kid could move tickets and make no mistake. He had what we call the Adolf effect. Yeah, the Adolf effect. The kid can move tickets and make no mistake. John Knox did not like Mary Queen of Scots because she was an undercover Catholic. Yeah. So John Knox wrote a lot of papers and basically magazines, the modern day magazines, started circulating them around Scotland being like, listen, Mary Queen of Scots has fumes.

He was trying to spread rumors she has fumes. He said she has fumes. And they said, well, Mr.. Knox why does she have fumes because she's Catholic that's what it is so she had so he said that Mary Queen of Scots

had fumes and basically it became such an uproar that eventually Mary Queen of Scots got put in prison in Loch Levin prison and that was

that's a cute place because it's on an island in the middle of Scotland and in the middle of all the towns in Scotland it's just a little it's on a like a little

lock is like a lake so it's just a little prison island in the middle of a lake and apparently the views are spectacular oh how fucking cute yeah and William Wallace actually stormed this place and took it over

when he was getting independence Mel Gibson? Mel Gibson who's fucking a patriarchy bastard who's racist yuck

he loves the Jews yeah and then here's a little romantic here's a little romancey uh romantic idea so in lock 11 prison um where mary queen of scots was in prison i believe in 1567 um she gave birth to twins nobody knows who the baby daddy is she gave she gave birth to twins and she said that they died they were still born but a lot of people think that they were smuggled out of scotland then moved to france where uh mary queen of scots had a lot of friends and family still and a lot of fans and they were raised not as noble but they lived out their lives as twin boys in france because there are stories in like the 1570s of two twin boys coming out of nowhere just coming out of nowhere and you know speaking french

and just being normal guys and they were like, we don't know who your parents are. Yeah. So, there's stories, but who knows? In the 1560s and 70s,

you just don't fucking know because, unfortunately, you don't have Anderson Cooper on the scene. Because Mary, Queen of Scots, was 5 foot 11 inches.

She was a big girl. Because, make no mistake, if Mary, Queen of Scots, ever DM'd me, I would bang her out. Yeah! And I would text her again. She probably had big feet, though.

Yeah, she probably did have big feet. So, the thing is, in prison, here's... Because Mary Queen of Scots is just a good mom. So Mary Queen of Scots eventually signs papers to abdicate her throne so she can make her son, who was one year old at the time, King James, King James VI. Remember, King James V was Mary Queen of Scots' pops, so Mary Queen of Scots' son is going to be King James VI.

So King James VI now, at one years old, becomes king. Now, who banged her out to make that kid? Who? Who was it? Who's the father of that kid? Who banged out Mary Queen of Scots? Yeah, to get this kid. They say Lord Danly, but then there's fucking speculation that he was never king to begin with.

But it is, because the thing is, why the reason why, another thing I forgot to mention, Lord Danley, he was a king, but he didn't have any power. It was called, like, the King Consort. It had a name for it oh the king consort so lord danley was always just a king consort mary queen of scots was the rightful queen of scotland yeah she married lord danley but that meant that their son king james who who's who i just told you she signed the abdication papers to make king james king he knew that his own son would be king over him right so he was all like, you know, I'm a king, but I got no fucking power. Fuck you. I'm going to bang toots. I'm going to get syphilis

because I'm not even going to be rightful king. There was just rules in place. So he lived a little wild. He lived a little fucking wild because he really had nothing to lose. He was never going to become king. His wife didn't like him, and he was just a mad kid. So Queen Elizabeth's in that. By the way, King James version of the Bible?

Yeah, her pops fucking basically wrote it. Wrote it cute. So when you read the Bible, most of the Bibles are King James version, right? Yeah, absolutely. But make no mistake. I don't pay attention to that Bible because I only read. I only read and pay attention. No, to the Bible of Linda Stefano.

It was read to me aloud every day on the neutral staircase in between my house and Ann Arlen's house. Also, another little fact that we skipped over. While Mary, Queen of Scots, was a little fucking kid living in France, Scotland was ruled by what they call regents. Which are basically just dudes who fucking rule knowing that you're going to come and take the crown. So they're just kind of interim ad hoc rulers. They just don't really care. It's kind of like when you're a student.

It's like an interim coach when your coach gets fired. Yeah, interim coach. Anytime, as you got older, maybe you were in high school and your teacher left the room and they would take the most mature student and just let them watch the class. And anytime that would happen to me, there was a couple times when my teacher just let me watch the class. I would just let everyone draw dicks on the blackboard. I didn't care if me and you were regents while queen maria scotts was getting old enough to become queen right we would do some fucking

damage and like if you knew you were only gonna be king of scotland for three years and there was no way for you to keep going yeah wouldn't you just fucking burn some people and bang some toots yeah isis would be burned even though we didn't make it to a thousand Patreons yet. It's what it is. Yeah. So, yeah. So basically, because ISIS, if you commit a crime, I just want to say they're going to catch you real quick. Because they just say we're looking for the kid who's got words on his fingers.

Yeah. So basically, Queen Mary, Mary, Queen of scotts escapes prison in 1568 with the help of this guy sir william douglas uh his son sir william douglas was like a big there because because make no mistake queen mary mary queen scott still had some catholic supporters even though it was like very like always you always got some support still even though you know majority of the country's like now we're protestant now lynn is behind her 100 yeah lynn lynn make no mistake there was a boat right outside the prison. When she got smuggled out, she was dressed as one of the helpers.

Lynn would have been on that boat. 100%. Lynn would have been on that boat with the fucking lean cuisine. 100%. And it's what it is. Because make no mistake, I was eight years old eating lean cuisine because my mom was on Weight Watchers and always felt. It's what it is, but i had to deal with it anyway and that's why i always have fluctuating weight because one day i would be eating a lean cuisine watching what i eat the next day i'd be in a full pizza yeah it depends it depends if my mom was in a relationship or not that's what depended on what

i would be eating um so yeah yeah um It's just what it is. What do you want me to tell you? It is what it is. When she would get dumped, she would just look for ways to get sex again, so we'd be on Lean Cuisine. When she was in a relationship, we were all just fat and we would just eat tiramisu and pizzas. It's just what it is.

It's so funny. There's nothing I can do about it. So you could basically tell where your mom was in the relationship based on what you're eating for dinner. Yeah. Because even if she was still with the guy, if she ordered a pizza, his relationship was about to end. Yeah, because if I got salmon with vegetables and or a lean cuisine, things were not good. But if I got sloppy joes, my kids' cholesterol would go up,

but my mom was happy. Just a trade-off. So, basically, Mary, Queen of Scots, she escapes, and she says, you know what, let me go to Queen Elizabeth. It's my cousin, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because people want her dead.

She's like, let me go to Queen Elizabeth. I know Queen Elizabeth will help me with family. And they want her dead because they know that she wants the throne. They know she's a competing entity out there. That's what it is. So Queen Elizabeth wants to help, really, because it's family. But then she basically gets convinced by the nobility to be like, look, no, no, no. We need to eliminate Mary Queen of Scots.

You're going to lose the throne. Okay? So she gets imprisoned again. Mary Queen of Scots gets imprisoned again. By her cousin. By Queen Elizabeth. Who's her first cousin. Who's her first cousin. King Henry V's daughter. So the thing is, the interesting thing is

is there's a rumor that says the day that she because she just got held in prison. Queen Elizabeth would not Queen Elizabeth would not execute her. She just didn't want to do it she just kept she just let her sit in prison she's like i don't want to kill her and then basically what happened was uh mary queen of scotts was writing letters love letters to this guy lord

bosworth for 19 years but she was in prison for 19 years and mary queen of scotts was banging out this guy lord bosworth and they and allegedly there were in these love letters there were plans to execute Queen Elizabeth. Who knows if that's true or not, but that's, it was enough for the, because when she got tried in court, in English court by Queen Elizabeth, Mary Queen of Scots wasn't even allowed to attend her own trial. So it was all bullshit. You know, it was all a thing that they wanted to kill her, and this is what it was.

She, on February 7th, 1587, she just, Queen Elizabeth just signs Mary Queen of Scots death warrant. But apparently, and then she was to be executed, and then Mary Queen of Scots got executed the next day on February 8th, 1587. But Queen Elizabeth apparently didn't know what she was signing. They just gave her some shit paperwork, but it didn't matter. You know, and back in the day, you can't just make a call. It's going to take a month. So apparently when the news got back to Queen Elizabeth, she was pissed. She was like, I didn't say to kill her because she wanted to just let her rot in prison.

And here's the thing. When Mary, Queen of Scots, got killed, when she got executed, the reason why, because she has a name. Her real nickname is Lady in Red. Like, when you hear that song, Lady in Red. Is dancing with me. Is dancing with me. That's about Mary, Queen of Scots.

Chick to chick. Was Lady in Red. And the reason why she was Lady in Red, where it comes from, is because on her execution date, she was wearing a black robe, and that's how most people would get their heads chopped off. But she took it off, and she was wearing a red dress, and that is a symbol of Catholic

martyrdom. Oh. So when you... Was she like, if I'm going to go out, I'm going to go out fucking cute? She said, if I'm going to go out, I'm going to go out Catholic, and I'm going to go out cute. So she wore a red dress, went down, and the first attempt, it was brutal, took four attempts to chop her head off. She had a Chrissy head.

She had a Chrissy D. Viking head. Yeah. And the first attempt, she cried out, sweet Jesus, which is a Catholic fucking thing to do. Yeah. And then after the fourth time, finally her head came off, and then there was movement in her body because she brought her dog. And she hid her little dog underneath her robe. She was holding her dog. She was holding her dog. She was holding her dog.

So she died with her dog. Who watched the dog after she died? Justin Silver? Yeah. Fucking Cesar Millan? Yeah. Who watched the dog? I don't know.

Maybe my mom? Yeah. And then, unfortunately, probably just pissed and shit all over the house. Yeah. I didn't know she had her dog with her. She had her dog. But I just unfortunately, probably just pissed and shit all over the house. Yeah. I didn't know she had her dog with her. She had her dog. But I just want to back it up. You know, that's theory.

It's all theory. Because Queen Elizabeth was such a sages and wise and Machiavellian leader. First of all, let's just say her first cousin, Queen Elizabeth, had her murdered. Also had Anne Boleyn murdered. Yeah. She fucking had those heads cut off. Queen Elizabeth didn't have Anne Boleyn murdered. Who had her murdered? Also had Anne Boleyn murdered? Yeah. She fucking had those heads cut off. Queen Elizabeth didn't have Anne Boleyn murdered. Who had her murdered? King Henry VIII.

Oh, yeah. Okay. You stupid fuck! Yeah, because that was her mom. Yeah, that was her mom. Yeah, that was her mom. But she had Mary Queen of Scots killed. Elizabeth was a very fucking strong Machiavellian woman and probably one of the most successful

rulers in history. She had no kids. No kids. But it was all peacetime. She was fucking peacetime and she ruled well. Shakespeare, that was the Elizabethan era in British... So Shakespeare was alive then. That was during the Elizabethan era.

It was such a successful period. She was such a successful kid that a lot of people think that she just said, like, I didn't even know what I was signing. Just to kind of keep it kind of like, you know. She was a politician. Yeah, very fucking political, but she was savvy and she knew what the fuck was going on.

She had that bitch killed. She was no two. No two. She was a top tier two. Top tier two. She was probably level one. Next week we're going to do Queen Elizabeth. Let's do it. We're going to do a whole month of Yas Queens. Yas Queens. So in closing, just about the history part of it.

So Mary Queen of Scots gets beheaded. And then her son, who was King James VI of Scotland. I told you because she made her one-year-old son. She signed the paperwork. So they had no relationship. Mary Queen of Scots and her son really had no relationship after a while because she was always in prison. Sort of like your... So, King James VI of Scotland...

Now, here's something that's confusing, but it is the same person. As we told you, Mary, Queen of Scots, and Bloody Mary are not the same person. same person as we told you mary queen of scots and bloody mirror are not the same person but king james the sixth of scotland and king james the first of england are the same person that's confusing so let me just explain to you quickly how that happens it's very easy okie doke so king james the sixth of scotland eventually becomes king james the first of england after queen elizabeth who we just spoke about, died. Because when Queen Elizabeth died, that meant King James I, Mary Queen of Scots' son, would become the leader, and he didn't want any more beef between England and Scotland.

So what he decided to do, because he's a man, what he decided to do is unite the kingdom, and King James I, formerly King James VI of Scotland, becomes the first king of the United Kingdom as we know it today. He's the man. He's the one. So he's the one who kind of, and then the King James Bible is after him. Yes, that's what it is.

So he's the guy. And this was a time, this period, you have to understand, England dominated. Like, number one by a fucking landslide. They were the U.S. at this time. Yes. And they had, the way they became so powerful was their fucking navy. Yeah. They had a strong navy, and they would just get in boats, go there, and conquer shit.

And they'd get resources and bring them back, and everything was for the queen. And the United States ended up being founded by this fucking powerful empire. Yeah, and it's what it is. It's what it is. And then we turned around and we said, you know what? We don't like that fucking accent anymore. From now on, we're going to talk like this. And we don't like that you've been fucking taxing us with our representation.

So now we're going to turn into Steel Pipe fucking Chrissy and turn into the boys and turned on those red coats we put on blue coats and became the Yankees. It's what it is. Shout out Mickey Mantle. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. As always at the end of the podcast we read out the newest members of the matriarchy

the newest members who have went on to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys join the matron and just become non-toots. So here they are. First up, and as always, Giannis will guess their ethnicity. It's what we do. First up, full name, Jeff Williams, non-toot, no fumes, true blue patriot. But his name's Jeff Williams.

Jeff Williams. He is... Wait. Now, the next one is just as funny as... I already forgot the guy's name from last week. Bradshaw, it was... No, it was Bradshaw. And then the next one was...

What was his name, Truquise? The blackest name in history. We'd have to go back and listen. We gotta go back. This next guy, Jawan Brown. Oh, yeah, he was part of the Fab Five, Michigan first round, all-star, freaking McDonald's All-American.

Next up, Mo Malik. Because we are huge in Atlanta. Yeah. It's fucking great. Mike Hill. Mike Hill. Wow, we're going three for three. These are the top three draft picks of the 2019 NBA draft.

Black kid, black kid, black kid. Jawan Brown, Mo Malik, Mike Hill. It's a good team right there. It's a good squad. Next up, F kid, black kid. Juwan Brown, Momolink, Mike Kellett. It's a good team right there. It's a good squad. Next up, Fumeless J. Sanchez. Puerto Rico. Yes. Gabe Rivera.

Gabe Rivera. Sergeant Rivera. Another Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. Oscar Ramirez, but let me tell you, he spells it O-S-K-A-R. O-S-K-A-R. So is he like Zach? Is he a fucking muzzed out Puerto Rican?

Yeah, we're going to go half Palestinian, half Puerto Rico. The next guy's name, Billy C-C-C-C-C-C-Clifford. Billy Clifford? How you doing? Shake my hand like we're jerking off an elephant? White kid. Make no mistake, Billy C-C-C-C-Clifford's in the union. Now, next up, Jenna Padula,

who is a fucking holy shit piece. Let me see. Look at that. And she has no fumes. Zoom in on those boobs. Because she's a fucking 10. She could go deep. She's for Rome.

I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Padula. There's nothing I can do, sir and madam. I have to take Jenna for the emperor for Rome. For Rome, but I'm still in love with Samantha Chin and Lisa Johnson. But Jenna Padula, you are hot. Next up, Sam Jewboy Pseudocuck Levine. He was on the plane with you, and he got his stuff, and he got off the plane and made his connecting fly. I made my connecting fly.

Yes. Next up, another piece, Destiny Christensen. And she spells Destiny D-S-T-I-N-I. She's a stripper from Houston. She's actually... Yeah, but she's hot. She's... Salt Lake City, Utah. Oh, she's She's hot She's Salt Lake City Utah

Oh she's She's That's as white as you get Yeah Next up Jury J-E-U-R-Y Rosa

Jury Rosa How you doing How you doing We're going to get A spot today You get a little Price again It's called

Tortillas baby Si Last but not least Joseph Karchich. K-A-R-C-I-C-H. Like cartridge? Karchich. Like an Atari cartridge?

Exactly. I'm going to go. Is he a cartoon or does he have a photo? He is got a, he's weed and he's with his son. Yeah, he's a white kid. And then last thing we'll do is let's make, can we call a couple 25s? Yeah. Let's do it.

And you know what? If you guys keep deleting, we're going to start reading the deleted ones and shame you. Yeah. Because when you delete, we get a notification. So you cannot delete anonymously. Okay? And if you can't afford five bucks a month, do better in life.

It's what it is. What is five bucks for the year? What would that be? Five times 12 is what? 60. 60 fucking dollars for the year to support us and get an extra bonus podcast. That's 120 bags of chips.

That's 120 fucking bags of chips. Wow, you're autistic. You did that quick. All right, so this is Vincent Dio. Okay. Or Dial? Vincent Dial? Dial, Dio.

Because the camera's not on his number, right? And remember, if right? Hello? Hi, can I speak to Vincent, please? Yeah, who is this? Hi, Vincent. This is Gerald. I work at the flower store, and I heard that you're a fucking dude. Dude!

You know what? I'm a fucking cute kid. I wish I wasn't at work right now because I'm about to risk my job to do this interview just because I put comedy over everything. Yeah. Dude. That's what Chrissy does too because make no mistake, his personal life is always up in flames because he says too much on the podcast.

How you doing, brother? Thank you for your service. We appreciate you being a $25 member. It is what it is. You know what? I work at Apple, and the stocks, right now, the stocks are in the toilet. You got to go talk to your stock exchange friends up there, up in the city. I know you know some people.

And you know what you got to do And you know what you got to do? You know what you got to do? You got to blow your fucking nose. You got to sign it to faction. Well, let's just say there's been a snowstorm heading up way at my nose. You know, it's what the cute kids do to stay fit. Yeah. Well, okay.

That's what it is. Where do you live? You know what? You have to do it. I live in San Jose, California. Nice. I am 24 years old. Wow.

6'5". Wow. He's giving us his full... 6'5"? How big's your piece? Yeah, he's giving us his full grinder profile. You know what? To be honest with you, I got a tiny teeth.

My name's Vince. I got a nickname for my piece. I call it the Mini Vinny. Yeah. Yes, we like that. Yeah. I love it. Cause cause you work for absolutely cozy. Do you go talk to you guys, man?

Does that mean you got to take the Apple school bus to work every day? Cause don't they take the bus to school? Yeah. I'm at work right now. I work in a warehouse. I help, uh, I warehouse. I help receive different types of ingredients and produce.

Yeah. But my long-term goal, I kind of want to pull a quick one on them and I want to start doing stand-up comedy. Wow. Yeah, well,

my advice to you is don't do that. Yeah, all right, because follow, no, I'm kidding. Follow your dreams. Follow your dreams. It probably won't work out, but do it.

I was hoping we can make the podcast even more American, and I could just replace the other guy that you have. I don't want to speak his name. His name is Ali. Ali. Oh, yeah. I was waiting for the explosion. That's all I got to say on that.

Oh, yeah. Build the wall. Build the wall That's all I got to say on that. Oh, yeah. Build the wall. Build the wall. 50 knows what I'm talking about. 50 knows. By the way doesn't mean by the way anymore. Now it means build the wall. BTW.

You know what? It's not even a big deal. Like everyone's so outraged about a wall. What's the big deal about a wall? All it is is a wall. Wait, hold on. Mind your own business. Are you a white kid or are you a Latino kid or are you a black kid?

I'm a Caucasian. I'm an Italian. Okay, so if you're a Caucasian, then unfortunately, we're going to have to disconnect this call because we do not support people who do not support not building the wall. You got to wait, Sean Sheehan. You're really heavy, cuz. Cuz. This is a big moment for me.

I mean, you know what? Anytime you get to speak to Giannis and Chrissy D, this is, I mean, the year just started. And already my year is off to a great start. Thanks to you guys. I really appreciate it. Cuz, you're a Trump supporter that lives in California. You're surrounded by the enemy. It's what it is, cuz.

Listen, thank you so much for being part of the patriarchy. We love you. We love apples. Talk to you soon, babes. And, uh, you know what? Please call back. Please call back. Once a month. Yeah, we'll call you next month. Alright, cute kids. Alright, let's do another one. Cuz, that's a kid who wanted to get his

political message across. Yeah, but you know what we have to do when we call people? We should only keep it to a minute, cuz we got a lot of $25 members. So let's just do quick calls with them. Yeah, we've got to start doing that. We need a Hayberg time limit for all these non-toots. Non-toots. All right, go ahead.

Who's the next one we're going to call? Addie Waters. Oh, Addie Waters. She messaged me last week. Did we speak to her already? No, I don't think so. Okay. You know, this is all new for us.

We're not even a year old, so we'll figure all this out. It's just what it is. Okie dokie. Again, I will be in Hamilton, Ontario at the Levity Comedy Club. January 24th to the 26th. Me and Chris, I'm going with Chris this weekend to Providence, Rhode Island. Comedy Connection. Go see Chris.

I don't even know if I'm going to be performing, but we're going to fucking tour it up. My one-hour special, Size 38 Ways, airs January 18th at Comedy Central. It's funny. I was there watching. If you don't tell your friends about our podcast, then you don't use witch hazel on your asshole. Hey, it's Addy. Sorry I missed your call. Don't leave a message. If you leave me a message friends about our podcast, then you don't use witch hazel on your asshole. Hey, it's Addy. Sorry I missed your call. No time.

Don't leave a message. If you leave me a message, I'll call you back. I just feel like we don't have time. Do you want to do it? Let me know what you want to do. Hey, Addy. How you doing? It's Chris and Giannis.

Yes. Hey, how you doing, Addy? Sorry we weren't going to leave you a message, but we decided last minute to do it. My uncle's gay, so am I. Bye. Bye. Do you want to try a Nora cupcake? Yeah, but you've got to close the phone first. It's closed'm like, bye. Bye. Do you want to try a Nora cupcake? Yeah, but you got to close the phone first.

It's closed. Oh, okay. Yeah. You sure none of these numbers are on screen, right? None of the numbers are on screen. Okay, good. Yeah. Okay, let's try it.

Oh, we got to try Nora. Nora, look, I got a proposition. I want to talk to Nora. You want a proposition, Nora Cupcakes? Because the two cute girls, and they make nice cupcakes. You want to make it for your wedding. You want to get a good prize because you're a girl. Wei Shuxin. Wei Shuxin.

Yeah, Wei Shuxin. Wei Shuxin. Wei Shuxin. Thank you. Chris, you need to just walk around with a shirt that says Wei Shuxin. By the way, merch is coming soon. We're going to have all that merch. We're going to have amenities and maternity. We're going to have Wei Shuxin. We're going to have Annalise Steps're going to have a menis and modernity. We're going to have Wei Zhongxin. We're going to have An Aileen Steps.

We'll have the eye just be a staircase in An Aileen. We're going to have witch hazel shirts. We're going to have fucking toots. Oh, by the way. Voice message system eight. Okay. They're too busy. By the way, if you're a valuable member of the Maytrak here, if you're just a big fan

of the show and you make and design t-shirts, hit us up because if you guys give us a good quote, maybe we'll take you up on that offer. Maybe we'll yos y'all. All right, let's do one more. Yeah. Let's do one more because, yeah, we're getting a little long here. And by the way, right on the Patreon board, go to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. Let us know how you're liking the podcast, what we can improve, what you like, what you don't like.

If you want to send your tits with Santa faces on them, go ahead. Yeah, should we fart? Should we not fart? There was only one fart today. Yeah, I mean. I want to read a couple. You guys want to do the Caroline McNamara? Yes, let's call it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's call it. And then do you want to read some of the Patreon messages? We're in an hour and 15 minutes. Yeah, no, it's fine. We're as long as we want to be. Yeah, some people like a longer minutes. Yeah, no, it's fine. We can, you know, we're as long as we want to be. Fine, if people, yeah, some people like a longer pod. Yeah.

Eric Bernal says, make no mistake, I dropped off as a paid subscriber because I took a few toots out that I clearly couldn't afford. So after a few brews, I ordered a bottle of champagne, which cost $250 on my open tab at the bar, but they didn't take my ID like

fucking dumbasses, so I went home, smashed one of the toots who thought I was balling out, but unfortunately I got my Beamer and $100 a month payment. This kid talks too much. Yeah. Anyway, he says he's back as a Patreon member. This is Carolyn McNamara, right? Thank you, Eric. Hi, Carolyn McNamara.

This is Chrissy Wellfarts. Hey, how are you? How are you? Wow, she doesn't even sound excited at all. She made you sound like an ex-boyfriend. Like, oh, hey, how are you? Did we hook up? Yeah.

It's the history hyenas. Kayah! Kayah! How's studying going? Last time we talked to you, we were talking about your studies and your dad. How's everybody going? Happy New Year. How's everything going? Happy New Year. How's everything going?

Everything's good. Studying's going slowly, but good. Now you sound a little sick. Are you a little sick? Are you okay? Did you just get broken up with? Girl, you sound like you could use a bath and a candle. I am, actually.

I just got back from Ireland, and I caught a cold on the way back. Ooh, how was Ireland? It was fantastic. We went for like almost two weeks. It was so nice. Well, today's episode, you'll hear about it when it comes out on Thursday. It was all about Mary, Queen of Scots.

So pretty close to your area. A little Scottish-English little history for you. Pretty cool. Yeah, so... Did you get sick of those accents hearing the Hylian from Scotland? No, she was in Ireland. Oh, you were in Ireland.

Oh, sorry. Doesn't it get a little annoying, though? They're like, Howard, you're like a fucking bird. You're like, can you just talk normal, please? Addie, you're a white girl. Yeah, let's just be honest with ourselves. She's not into it right now because she's sick, so we're just going to go. We love you.

Thanks for the support. Yeah, Addie, you don't sound excited. Addie addy it's carolyn mcnamara oh this is carol yeah you you have to fucking when i'm on my phone i'm never off when you're on your phone you just don't know what you're doing you have to pay attention i can just multitask better than you because i'm a millennial cock and i'm a useless eater useless eater sorry car Carolyn. Did we speak to her before? Yeah, we spoke to her two months ago. Remember, your dad's a professor, right?

Oh, she's the... Yeah. You know, you got your dad to listen to the podcast. What was it? Yeah, my dad listens to the podcast. Does he still listen?

Not as much, but still does. Yeah, so why do you think he doesn't listen anymore? Because we're taking feedback from valuable members of the matriarchy. Yeah.

I don't know. He just doesn't like traveling and stuff more. It's just a chain on your mom. Why do you sound like you've just been sitting in a bathtub listening to Nora Jones' albums? I don't know. It's just what it is. It just kind of dwindled for him. But I still listen and my friends still listen.

Oh, thank you. Why do you sound so down? Are you sitting in a bathtub? Are you listening to me? I'm actually going to your show on Saturday in Providence. You're coming? Oh, yes! Well, news alert!

Giannis is going to be with us, too! Fuck yeah! Yeah! Swear to God! You're getting two for one, bosh. So bring all your friends. Do you live in Providence? Yeah, it's like my hometown. So yeah,

it's going to be funsies. It's going to be me, Giannis, and Sergio Chacon, and we're all going to stay in one hotel room. Yeah. Oh, God. That sounds great. Can we meet your dad? Can you bring your dad? No, but I'm bringing three of my friends. Ew, girls.

Ew, gross. Okay, well, listen. It's going to be a yas girl time. We're going to fucking yas. Yeah, let me know. Hit me up on Instagram before the show. I'll leave you tickets. And also, if you girls want to get mani-pedis and smoothies, let us know.

It's actually like two guys and two girls going. Oh, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. Oh, so you're a third wheel. You're a third wheel. Okay. Did we lose her? Carolyn? Yeah, no, it's okay.

Carolyn. Well, she's a millennial. She's probably texting. Because you know what it sounds like? It sounds like we called her at a time where she's trying to figure out what to do with a dead body, and she's distracted. Yeah, it sounds like you're making a a time where she's trying to figure out what to do with a dead body, and she's distracted. Yeah, it sounds like you're making a murderer. Sorry.

I actually was sleeping. I woke up from a nap. Oh, you were just sleeping. That's what it is. All right, here. Well, listen, we got to go anyway. We love you. Thank you so much for your support.

And tell your dad to start listening to the podcast and stop being a toot. Thank you. Have a good night. Bye. Love you. Bye. We'll see you this weekend. Bye. Bye. Bye. All right. Bye. We'll see you this weekend.

Bye. Bye. Bye. All right. Wow. She sounded like she was distracted. She just didn't care. Do we have any more 25ers? Yeah.

I felt like this was a nice, fun, informative episode. Yeah. So thank you, Eric Burnell, for he was a non-toot, became a toot, and now he's a non-tute again. Well, he wants to live his life like that and get syphilis, but he can do it. Okay, last one. Michael Hyland. Yeah, we've missed Michael Hyland's call a couple times. Oh, let's read.

Yeah, that's interesting. Hey, Michael Hyland, what's up, buddy? Are you a straight white male piece of shit? Of course. What's up, Chrissy D? Yeah. He said that like he talks to you all the time. Well, because we spoke to Michael Hyland before.

He's got a big butt. He's got a big butt. Oh, I remember this fucking kid. What's your waist size now, cuz? I haven't measured in a while. I don't keep track of that shit. But you're over 38 size now, cuz? Uh, I haven't measured in a while. I don't keep track of that shit. But you're over 38 though, right? Oh, definitely over that.

About 45? Yeah. Oh, I love this kid's fucking accent. Yeah, Michael. We talked to Michael. Yeah, I remember him now. He knows where fucking Rockaway is. Yeah, you sound like you've been to Canarsie more than three times.

Yeah. Yeah. Where do you live, Michael Highland, again? In Bayside. Oh, yeah. Bayside. Bayside, Queens. Yeah. Yeah. Where do you live, Michael Highland, again? In Bayside. Oh, yeah. Bayside, Queens. Yeah. A lot of good things happen over there.

Cars, yeah. Let's hold on. Cherry Valley Deli. Hold on. My phone's crapping out. Yeah, don't lie. You just need a minute to walk up the stairs. Don't lie.

You got to. No, I'm sitting in a car. Oh, you're sitting in a car? Driving home from work. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Where do you work? Don't get a ticket. a... No, I'm sitting in a car. Oh, you're sitting in a car? Driving home from work. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what it is. Where do you work? Don't get a ticket. I work at Homeland Security.

Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right, that's right. Yeah, yeah. That's right, that's why we need... Yeah, we need... Working and not getting paid. So are you sitting across the street because you follow ISIS home every day

to make sure what he's doing? Yeah. Yeah. Is that what he's doing? Is he hear me? He hear you. Say that again, boss. I said... Wow. He hit me with a real New York. What a good, yeah. Is that what you're doing? Is he hear me? He hear you. Say that again, boss. I said, wow.

He hit me with a real New York. Say that again, captain. All right, chief. We asked you, are you with the front lines of Homeland Security because terrorists can't get around you because you've got a big butt? Oh, yeah. I'd stand to the side and let a few people through. Yeah, it depends.

What I had asked you was, are you in your car sitting across the street from our studio because you follow Zach Isis home to see what he's doing? I don't think he can hear me. Can you hear me, Michael Hyland? I can hear you, Chris. I can't hear Giannis. He can't hear me. I mean, Zach Isis. Zach Isis.

We're just going to have to cut your head off. Basically, what Giannis... I think he is. You know, you can't trust the Greeks sometimes. Exactly. What Giannis asked you was, has there ever been a time where you think a terrorist has gotten through and into our country because you had your head in a bag of Arby's? No, not on my watch.

Not on my watch, cuz. You can't hear me at all? Can you hear Giannis talking right now? I hear him in the background, but not too well. What's going on, Zach? I don't know what's going on. So all the people we called couldn't hear me at all? Yeah, that's probably why it got weird, because I would let you talk and then nobody would say anything.

Zach, can you hear me? Check one, two. Can you hear him now? Can you hear me now? No. Still can't hear me. Still can't hear him. All right. I don't know what it is. What it is. Well, can they hear me? Check one, two. Can you hear him now? Can you hear me now? No. Still can't hear me. Still can't hear him. All right.

I don't know what it is. What it is. Well, talk to Chrissy. Thanks, Mikey. Listen, thanks for being a valuable member of the matriarchy. We'll call you every month. We really appreciate not only the work you do for the hyenas, but the work you do for this fucking great country.

Make no mistake. You're one of the boys. Thanks, guys. Take care. Be safe. All right, brother. Be safe. I like that. I like what you said.

What'd you say, boss? Imagine this whole episode, nobody could hear your voice and it's just me talking and then waiting silently and then responding to questions they can't hear. Because with a 23 year old kid, it's possible. Because make no mistake, if the fact that

we, we're Franks and Beans, we're Franks and Beans, we're Franks and Beans. The fact that we put the trust of getting our podcast up to a kid who just got his tattoos, just got his fingers tattooed. That makes us, by default, Franks and Beans. We're level three. We're level three Franks and Beans because the producer of our podcast has got tattoos on his knuckles. Yeah, that wasn't a good idea.

Fumeless Blonde is back. Oh, great. Yeah, she goes, it might look like I'm a new member, but make no mistake, I'm an oldie but a goodie. I got 10 out of 10 drunk when I was in downtown Boston and lost my debit card. I didn't know you were in Boston, so you lost your fucking debit card. So I had to enter new info. So I'm probably responsible for one number dropping off for a few days. Still here.

Always will be. Ha ha. Fumeless blonde. Ha ha. Bye. Bye. Good to have you back. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what it is. Maura Carney. Wow. That's an Irish name if I've ever heard one. Yeah. Maura. She goes, so I'm a Catholic kid, and tonight my mom guilted me into going to church with her.

During my priest's homily, I don't know what that is. You know what the priest's homily is? That's some fucking Catholic shit. Yeah, I know what the priest's homily is, because. He said, during the priest's homily, he said, make no mistake. Yeah. And I couldn't help myself from laughing like the hyena that I am. Keep up the good work, cuzzy wuzzies, and Zach Isis face. Get it together, you dude. Yeah. I love that did you see how they fucking lit up our DMs and lit up the community board

when they were looking for that Patreon podcast? They were ripping it. Zach, there's a jihad out on your fucking body. Do you have some of those handy? Yeah, I do. Because those were 10. I was dying laughing in Denver reading those. Yeah.

Jay Rohn says toot dropouts. It is highly unfortunate that people keep dropping from the matriarchy and they truly are toots. Make no mistake, they are some brave people doing, there are three, a lot of these people we got in the matriarchy are Franks and Beans. Level threes. Yeah, because there are three things I'm afraid of.

Number one, Chrissy D's pseudo tit. Yeah. Number two, Jihadi with a body's family. And number three, in all caps, Chris the Teacher. Yeah. Make no mistake, Chris the Teacher is messaging our friends now. Now, here we go. This is some messages to Jihadi with a body. Oh, this is specifically Jihadi with a body.

This is from Derek Az Jihadi with a body. Oh, this is specifically to Jihadi with a body. This is from Derek Azzarello. Okay. Wow, that kid's got a van with numbers on the side of it. Yeah. Call my plumbing company. He goes, message to the caliphate. He goes, Jihadi with a body is trying the patience of a true Italian immigrant here. He goes, make no mistake.

He goes, make no mistake, if the podcast is one more day late, my family is going to have some opinions about Muslims that everyone will hear. And it's just what it is. Wei Shangxin. Yeah. Wei Shangxin. Yeah. Fucking yeah. Murray Kirk says.

He's an Irish kid, Murray Kirk. He's a UK. Oh, by the way, Murray Kirk sent me a message privately saying when we call him, because I think we have to call him, we have to dial a UK area code. Okay. That we're not doing. He's 25? Yeah. Wow. Thank you for your service, Murray Kirk.

He says, Zach Ice's face. Make no mistake, the reason the pod is late is Chrissy D and Yanni P have finally been beheaded and their bodies burned and their bodies buried ass up as part of Zach's own final solution to cleanse the West of infidels. Yeah. So he was just more right there. Here, cuz, while we got Murray Kirk, let's call him, because he sent a message to the patrons and said,

cuz, I just heard the party from this week. Apparently you have to dial 011 to exit the U.S., then 44 to get into the U.K., and my phone number is... Call him up, Ice. So do you have Murray Kirk's number, cuz? than 4-4 to get into the UK, and my phone number is... Call him up, Ice. So do you have Murray Kirk's number, cuz? Yeah? And while you dial, I say,

Megan Welsh said, Just a 23-year-old kid. ISIS, your mixtape can fucking wait, but the matriarchy can't. Make no mistake, I'm a stay-at-home mom with no income, so give me what I've paid for before it gets wild. Joseph Karsich. 0-1-1 and then 4-4. You got it?

And then the number. Joseph Karsich says, Potty Waddy, make no mistake, the hyenas will come to Bay Ridge to start protesting like liberal feta cheese. Giannis, if the podcast isn't released, yas. I didn't even understand that. Ruby Lopez says, Totes toots. Where the podcast isn't released, yas. I didn't even understand that. Ruby Lopez says, toots, toots.

Where the fuck is the podcast, Isis? Oh, funny, funny. I'm going to try it one more time. I think we may have to do it from a landline. Okay. Cuz, have you seen Destiny Christensen on the? No. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. You can say it, but I can't. She's the one that messaged me in Salt Lake City, and I was like, come to my shows. Cuz she's a pop. She's a pop. She's... She says, make no mistake, I've been a stone cold toot and had planned on it staying that way until the end of time.

But then Steel Pipe Chrissy responded to me slightly Franks and Beans DM about Joseph Smith and it made me realize you two cute kids deserve all my money. Yeah. Murray Kirk, we have to call from a landline so I'll have it hooked up next week. Okay, so next week we're going to call. Murray Kirk, if you're listening in good old the UK,

we're going to call you next week, you fuck. This is one of my favorite ones. Raphael Camacho says, fucking Zach. And then he says, ISIS better have a good fucking excuse as to why it's 3.30 on Friday and I still don't have hyenas to listen to. Yeah. I mean, the kid makes a good point. Yeah.

Yeah. So remember Luis Altuve? Yeah. So remember Luis Altuve? Yeah, I remember Luis Altuve. He says, surprisingly, not Puerto Rican, cuz. Really? Yeah, he says, I was thrilled to hear my shout out read on the Christmas episode, especially since it was a surprise gift from my sister, who is still presently a toot. Right.

It's good that he's calling out family members who are still toots and not non-toots. But unfortunately, in all caps, I have to make a small correction. Like Jose Altuve from the Astros, I am, in fact, a Venezuelan kid. Yeah. And not Puerto Rican. But unlike that Altuve, I was born in Canada to my Venezuelan father and my wasp mother, who is Ku Klux Klan Chrissy would consider a race train. So he's the one who came up with Ku Klux Chrissy.

Chrissy would consider a race train. Oh, so he's the one who came up with Ku Klux Chrissy. So shout-outs to Luis Altuve for making a funny name for Chrissy. So there it is. We love you guys, man. And thank you for listening. Thank you. Again, join the matriarchy over at patreon.com slash bayridgeboys.

Go see Chrissy, and I'll probably be there as well in Providence, Rhode Island. This weekend, if you're on the Matreon, you will hear this on Thursday. That means if you're by Providence, go buy a ticket to see Chrissy at the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island. And again, I'll be in Ontario, Canada the next week, January 24th to 26th.

Yeah, and if you toots, if you toots, if you are non-toot and you weren't on the patreon and you just heard oh shit we miss chrissy and yanni in uh providence because this episode will come out sunday we'll be on our way home probably stopped at a roadside mcdonald's i will be back in new england friday and saturday january uh 18th and 19th at Springfield, Massachusetts at Roar Comedy Club inside the MGM Casino. I have a one-hour special, Size 38 Ways, coming out on January 18th. But the most important thing, which is on Comedy Central at 11 p.m., but the most important thing above all is tell your friends about the History Hyenas. Tell them to support the podcast either for free or to join the Patreon.

Go to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys if they want to be non-tudes our next our Patreon episode will be up next and it's going to be fun but before we start to do it I just got to get a little cum in the back of my throat ស្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ពីប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលាប់ប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវតែលារបស់ពីប្រូវត�