History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 52 - Queen Elizabeth The First was Wild!!!

Episode Date: February 3, 2019

The boys are back in the third week of Queen month and there talking about the WILD life of Queen Elizabeth the first!Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

What's up, cuzzy wuzzies? You're listening to the Bay Ridge Boys. History Hyenas. Bad. Hyena. I'm a hyena. And what's my name? Hyena.

What's his name? Hyena. Say Hyenas. Hyenas. Hyenas. Hyena. I'm going to go. Stefano, a.k.a. Chrissy Collie Flower Tits, with me, as always, Giannis Pappas, a.k.a. Yanni Vagina. Yes, a.k.a. KD Lang. KD Lang, Yanni.

We are so sorry that a new episode did not go up last week. My father went to the hospital, and Yannis' father died. Yeah, your father was trying to eat himself into heaven. Yeah, that's what he was trying to do, but unfortunately— At least he was going to go on Pete's. On Pete's. Literally, what happened was my dad got rushed to the hospital because they thought he had congestive heart failure.

But after all testing and hours and hours and hours in the ER, they discovered that he had had nine slices of pizza the night before. And so much sodium from the cheese fluid backed up into his lungs and he couldn't breathe. I mean, that is a de Stefano way to go. Because when you go, it's going to go. You're going to be totally in Chrissy Cupcakes mode. Because I'm a sleepy fucking kid right now. Because your Chrissy Complains, you got a few more nicknames that the people need to know about. One of them is Chrissy Complains.

Yeah, and one of them is Cloudy Chrissy, because I like clouds and I'm depressed. I haven't been taking my CBD oil. That's right. Because you still have a cough. I'm telling you, I said it on the $25 episode for our Patreon members. Go to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. We have so much more content up there that you guys are missing out on if you do not join our Patreon. But I said on the $25 episode that because of all the times that you've yelled pedophile in front of Catholic Church,

Jesus now is slowly squeezing your lungs out through pneumonia, and I told him to do it, and so did Lynn! Yeah, well, you also got another nickname, which is Chrissy Chili. Chrissy Chili? Yeah, today's the first time Chrissy complained about the cold. Yeah! I'm just trying

to explain how strange that is, because Chrissy's a kid who, when the heat is kicking in from the weather, wants to hurt Charness. I want to hurt Charness. And he looks red and uncomfortable, and he loves the cold. And for some reason, today, Chrissy said, I feel chilly. I'm cold.

And I couldn't believe it because it usually doesn't come out of a German head. Yeah, because I'm just a chilly fucking willy kid. I think I had a few brews last night and I got hammered. Cuz, when I asked you about the brews before, you got a little flustered. You got, yeah, the serial killer Chrissy came out. Oh, yeah. I saw you. Like, no, I didn't have a...

I like when you get... I like when you get defiant. I like when you... I like when you get defiant of Yanni Tough Hanks. Yeah, because... That's my nickname. Yanni Tough Hanks. Yeah. Y-T-H. Yeah, when you get defiant of Yanni Tuffhanks. That's my nickname. Yanni Tuffhanks. Yeah, because you know what it is? I'm just tired and I don't want to deal with it. And I'm just fucking

sometimes I just get tired of you analyzing me. I just want you to stop sometimes. I hate it. And I wasn't even analyzing you then. I was just asking, trying to troubleshoot from why you threw up the other day. Yeah, I think it's probably because I took a flight to Seattle at 8 a.m., landed at noon. No, that's still not normal.

Did a show at 7 and then took a flight at 10 p.m. that night back to New York. Yeah, but that's still not normal because you threw up. Nobody throws up from sleeping in first class. Yeah. So you must have eaten something or you had a few too many brews and then you got angry at me for asking you about brews. Yeah. You just want to be left alone because you want to die in your own vomit you fucking dumb yeah because i'm just superior and

i don't need your help to the person who left a message on our fucking itunes you know what if you leave a neg if you go out of your way yeah no no no yeah yanni's yanni's furious now you're gonna get fucking the furor of fumes you just ign ignited the furor. Now I'm Yanni Mussolini. Yeah, Yanni Mussolini. Listen, if you go out of your way. Yeah. And because they put it on public forum, say their fucking name. Because it's public.

Because I want to sit in your fucking lap when you say the things that are in my brain. I want to sit in your fucking lap. Get in my lap. Please get in my lap. And then I'll hit you over the head with a cast like Ted Bundy. You're obsessed with Ted Bundy. Yeah, cuz. You've spent most, you've spent some part of the last three days since you started watching that thinking you were Ted Bundy.

I feel like Ted Bundy. Yeah, why do you think there's so many similarities? You fucking useless eater. Because I take parts of people's personality. I always act like a different person when I'm with different groups of people. I got blue eyes, and I just want to hurt people. Oh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Read out this fucking name.

I'm going to find this. Because I know this is probably the same kind of person that tweeted at me that they didn't like my performance on Beastmaster. Yeah, you know what annoyed me more? I almost respect Jewel SSD's review more, because she just said horrific. Remember her? Yes. She said, if you find Morning Zoo humor entertaining, this is the podcast for you. Fine.

I don't mind that at all. Yeah, because it's kind of true. It's subjective, too. Good for you. And we're kind of... We're craft. Yeah, we're farting into the mic. We're definitely craft. But we're also smart kids, and we do some history. Yeah. And, I mean, you have a PhD in physical therapy, so you know how to feel somebody up with special needs and see what their lumps are.

Absolutely. Yeah, that's your career. Yeah. Yeah. Me, I'm just kind of an Ivy League educated kid. Yeah. You're an Ivy League educated kid that didn't go to any Ivy League schools. Exactly.

Yeah. I'm a Wikipedia educated kid. Yeah. But in between her review and this review I'm about to read was a review that I like. It's because the name of the person who reviewed it put Ku Klux Chrissy. Yeah. Is this a positive review? Yeah.

Okay. It's a weird one. It goes, these two are hilarious. Sounds like a Bobby Bottle Service sketch by Nick Kroll. I love Nick Kroll. Yeah. And I love that character, so I'll take that. Although, you know, we're not really like, you know, we kind of are just ourselves, really.

Yeah. Well, Bobby Bottle Service is just like a New York guy. So when people hear New York accents, they just think that's what it is, but I get it. I love Nick Kroll. I'm a huge, are you kidding me? Nick Kroll's one of the fucking comedic genius. He's great.

Okay, so here, well, we got a good one. I just want to read Cannonballs. Yeah. Cannonballs. Yeah. Says, wild. Yeah, this show was wild. Heard King Gay on another pod talking about the time he couldn't sneeze.

Fan for life. Always love finding great new pods. This is one of the best. Yeah. Yeah. So he must have heard you on Chrysler or something. Maybe hear me on Heybert Chrysler. Herbert.

Heybert. Heybert. Heybert is in fucking, he's in permanent time out right now. Heybert is just off the podcast, so we are flourishing. We want to replace Heybert with Manolis from Canada. Yeah, we've cracked 420 patrons as soon as Hey, Bert got away from us. Yeah. No, we love Hey, Bert.

We love Hey, Bert. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you said you didn't have the sound break, Isis. I'm doing it with my phone. Fuck it. We love you. Yeah, Isis was 20 minutes late and the sounds don't work.

Yeah. Attack Isis on our Patreon. Go to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys and let Isis have it. Yeah. General Mattis, if you're listening, don't work. Yeah. Attack ISIS on our Patreon. Go to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys and let ISIS have it. Yeah. General Mattis, if you're listening, bomb our studio. Yeah. Okay. So her name is Alyssa Khan.

Fuck her. Fuck. She sounds like a dumb fucking Netflix 15 fucking booker. Yeah. Well, you know, I hate this review because it's like half good. I want them to either be horrible or perfect. Yeah. Hers is pointed. You dumb bitch. Yeah. You were. You want them to either be horrible or perfect. Yeah, hers is poignant, you dumb

bitch. Yeah, you're too correct. You're too correct. That's why I'm getting angry because you're the best. Because, I mean, how annoying is it to give someone three stars? By the way, weishan shimei for saying dumb bitch. You can't say that anymore in 2019. I didn't mean to say dumb bitch.

Thank you. We have a real fucking we have a real ghetto fucking operation here yeah you have now you're holding the soundboards up with your iphone because you have your hood you have your hat on your hood above your hat and then your headphones above on top of your hood and your hat and it's infuriating because you're ungelled right now and i want to throw this microphone into your fucking nose yeah because I want to fucking drive you up to the highest hill in Poughkeepsie and roll you off it, you fat fucker.

Because if you killed me in Poughkeepsie, would it be for our $10 patrons or our $25 patrons? Because my dream, you know when you go to a historical site and there's a sign up there that says the year and tells you what

happened there? Yeah. My dream's a sign up there that says the year and tells you what happened there. Yeah. My dream, one of my dreams is, obviously I know I'm going to live longer than you, even though I'm older than you. Right. So one of my dreams though is for me to kill you in Poughkeepsie on a hill. Yeah. And make that hill famous where Ku Klux Krisi.

Yeah. Got put down. Yeah. So it says it on a sign. I want a historical sign to say comedian from Guy Code, Andrew Schultz gets put down. Yeah. So it says it on a sign. I want a historical sign to say comedian from Guy Code, Andrew Schultz, gets put down. Yeah, got put down a.k.a. Chrissy Creampuffs got thrown off this hill. A.k.a.

Chrissy Complains. Chrissy Complains in the closet, Chrissy. If you say you're tired one more time, I'm gonna fucking command ISIS from the caliphate to fucking take you down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a ready kid over there.

Can we just tell the people that he told us he may not be able to record Thursday? Why? What'd he say? Because he said he's got to get tattoos on his fingers. How much more room do you have on your fingers? I've got a good amount. I've still got, you know, seven of them left. You hurt?

You hurt? Yo, we need a ya hurt button for whenever Isis talk. Ya hurt? All right. So listen, here's what she says. She goes, this is Alyssa Khan. She says, three stars, which is fucking annoying. Because. I either want one star or five.

Or get the fuck out of here. Yeah, because three is annoying. Yeah. Yeah, she goes, this is her title too. How annoying is this, Chris? Yeah. Could have been great. Ugh.

Could have been great, Isis. Ugh. She goes, the history is funny, but the quote unquote gay jokes ruin an otherwise awesome podcast. I was hoping that it was just a slip up in one of the episodes, but I've listened to two or three now, and it's a major buzzkill. Kind of bummed because I wanted to keep listening. Listen, they're not gay jokes. Chrissy is king gay.

I'm just a gay man. Yeah, she's a gay. I blew a guy in Houston. You blew a guy in Houston. We got to make shirts named Houston. Or how great would shirts be? Shirts that say, I blew a guy in Houston. Yeah, that would be great. I blew a guy in Houston, we got to make shirts named Houston. Or how great would shirts be? Shirts that say, I blew a guy in Houston. Yeah, that would be great.

I blew a guy in Houston and every letter and the T in Houston will be a staircase for Ann Eileen. Yeah. Yeah. Because you were raised on a neutral staircase that was run by the United Nations. Yeah. And nobody, if Ann Eileen or my mom weren't, wouldn't enter into the other one's apartment without permission.

Yeah. Chrissy, come down here with Siley. Yeah. Listen, your mother's working late, so can you run to the store and get me a Spartan and a pack of Menthols? A pack of Menthols, and we're having dinner tonight. We're going to have what we've always had, chicken cutlets with stovetop stuffing.

We're having chicken cutlets and wise potato chips. Yeah, and then for dessert, we're going to have an Entenmann's cake. Yeah, and if you're really good, John, it's going to bring by some German cookies that I can't remember the name of. Yeah, for dessert, we're going to have an Entenmann's cake. Yeah, and if you're really good, Janet's going to bring by some German cookies that I can't remember the name of. Yeah, Linz and Tots. And then if you're really, really good, you can blow your cousin.

Chrissy Linz and Tots. Yeah, Chrissy Linz and Tots. Guys, you got a lot of nicknames. I got a lot of nicknames. Yeah, okay. So that's what she said. So that was the review that we got. So, you know, leave us a review. Hopefully a good one. Go that was the review that we got.

So leave us a review, hopefully a good one. Go to iTunes, leave us a review. The more reviews you leave, the better. Yes, and go to our Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys and write on our community board. Since we missed an episode last week, I just want to read out. Here's the thing. If you guys are new to the podcast, you're getting this episode for free right now on iTunes or wherever you listening to the podcast but there's extra content for a dollar a month $5 a month $10 a month or $25 a month

you read the tiers you pick whatever you know however much access you want and we do things and one of the things we do is we read the newest members to the patron or we call it the matron because we're the matriarchy because we're fucking wild hyenas and hyenas as a group of animals is a matriarchally dominated animal

group and this is a matriarchally dominated animal group, and this is a matriarchally dominated society. Fucking 2019. And they're fucking vicious. You know what's funny? I keep hearing this thing about toxic masculinity, but you know what the feel is? Let me just say this quick. Yeah, here we go. Every species where the female is as strong or stronger than the male, they are just as

brutal as the male. So is that toxic femininity? You look at praying mantises. You look at hyenas. The list goes on. They are just as brutal as the male So is that toxic femininity? You look at praying mantises You look at hyenas The list goes on Someone brought up bonobos as an exception A little bit of an exception But now they're finding that bonobos

Also, unlike chimps Because bonobos are thought to be our closest relative Along with chimps But they're peaceful ones But they've just discovered that the female chimps Actually go out in parties Bonobo female chimps go out in parties of hunters and kill other primates. Yeah.

And eat them. Yeah. And they also bully and gang up on the men. So they also saw one eating one of the dead babies. So they saw infanticide and cannibalism. So my point is all living things are brutal, whether it's masculine or feminine. If the women are in charge, they're brutal. Whoever is a little stronger physically is brutal.

Is brutal. So if women were as strong as men, they'd be brutal. They'd be fucking brutal. And as we can see, when they're in control, like we're about to do Queen Elizabeth today, they're fucking brutal. Bloody Mary was fucking brutal. Brutes McGoats. Elizabeth, who doesn't have a nickname like Mary.

Bloody Mary, she got the name Bloody Mary because she killed a bunch of goddamn Protestants. But Elizabeth killed just as many Protestants. But she was a fucking virgin and pure like Lin Walsh. You fucking pedophiles are Catholics. Yeah. Well, Queen Elizabeth was the virgin queen. But if she got banged out just like Mary. Mary took dicks.

Stop. Okay. Here we go. Here's the newest members of the Patreon. And as always, I read the names out and Giannis guesses their ethnicity. Okay. First up, Katie Scherer. Katie Scherer.

Wow. She's a German. Her ancestors was German. And she's an American girl who has no... Okay. Okay. Next up, Bridget Tooted and Boot It Griffiths. But what nationality?

Say it again. Bridget Tooted and Boot It Griffiths. Griffiths. Wow. I'm going to go. She's going to gonna go She's She's gonna be She's like a quarter Scottish

Irish and German No she's black Wow Got a picture She's a P.E.E. Yuck Okay Rich from Zuni

N.M. How you doing My name is Rich from Zuni Listen I got a roofing company There's a van And it has a phone number On the side for you to call. Greg Johnston.

Greg Johnston. He's a black kid. You hurt? Michael Proctor. Michael Proctor? Yeah. Wow, that kid has got a dentist name. Yes.

Michael Proctor, Inc. He's a white. White. What about? Protestant white kid. Wasp. Christy Kennedy. Christy Kennedy Christy Kennedy Yeah

Oh we got Irish roots And related to the Kennedys And no question Yeah Spends A couple hours A week

In a bar Yeah I think she's a Fucking Irish girl She looks like it Fuck you dude Jordane Anthony Jordane Anthony Yeah Okay That's a first you, dude. Jordaine Anthony. Jordaine Anthony?

Yeah. Okay, that's a first-round pick. Yeah. Oh, Jordaine Anthony? Jordaine. Yeah. I mean, the kid's going to St. Bonaventure. He's got a chance to make the league.

Yeah. Here we go. Caitlyn, transgender, parentheses, fumes. I'm going to go ethnicity, funny, and PPW, pseudo penis of the week. Yeah, yeah. And the profile picture is a hyena eating its dick. Yeah, so it's a funny kid. Now, this one is Eden, E-D-D-I-N, Martinez.

Que pasa, mi gente? Yeah, he's like a Mexican kid. His profile picture just looks like fucking what I – it should have a bullseye on it with ice. Yeah, he's a wall climber. Yeah. Can I get a Wei Zhong Jing,iao jing please caleb spiegel caleb spiegel it's a wasp jew yeah that's a spiegel yeah caleb yeah half wasp and then yeah and then okay ray one word because I'm a black kid and it is what it is. I love yo. PPW runner up. Yeah.

Then we got Supreme Peen Keone. That's another black kid. Yeah. Yeah. We got two more. We got a star and five right here. Tommy Roldan. Tommy Roldan?

I'm going to go another black kid. Four black kids in a row. No, he's a white kid. Tommy Roldan's a white kid. Yeah. He's got a picture with his mom, Dukes. Oh, wow. He's like Chris. He's sleeping in his mom's bed until heolfe is a white kid. Yeah. He's got a picture with his mom, Dukes. Oh, wow. He's like Chris.

He's sleeping in his mom's bed until he's 16. It's what it is. He's got a picture with his mom? Yeah, it looks like his mom. The pictures are so small that sometimes it might be his mom. I don't know because I can't see on my phone. Does he look Frankton and Beandon? No, he doesn't look Frankton and Beandon.

He looks like a normal kid. All right. Zachary Davis. Zachary Davis, wasp kid, white kid. Jacob A. Hall. Jacob A. Call, another White Wasp Kid. Jennifer Bagwell. Wow, Jennifer Bagwell.

Looks like a piece. Jennifer Bagwell, she's definitely a white girl. Jennifer Bagwell, she's from Houston and she's been a fan since the Carly Day Sun Girl Code. Yes. Hi, Andrew Schultz. One name, Adam. Adam?

Yeah. DJ Adam, cuz. Yeah. I'm going to say he's a Pakistani kid. Jeff Simpson. Jeff Simpson? Oh, man. That's a school teacher name.

Kid's got a mustache. He's a Wasp kid, and I bet he's from Pennsylvania. He looks like he's from Pennsylvania. He is a white kid, but he looks like a trucker. He's got a trucker hat. Wow. Serious. XM kid, right? Pennsylvania. He is a white kid, but he looks like a trucker. He's got a trucker hat. Wow. Serious. XM kid, right?

Yeah. Next up, Patrick Burney. Patrick Burney's an Irish kid. Patrick. So I'm going to say he's got no fumes. He may have red pubic hairs. He's got no fumes. Yeah.

Next up, Irish kid. Courtney Quintal. Courtney Quintal? Courtney Quintal. Quintal? Quintal? Q-U-. Quintal? Quintal? Q-U-I-N-T-A-L. She's definitely a Romanian kid.

She's a piece. She's Romanian. She's a white girl with blonde hair. She's a piece. Quintal? So she's a Scottish kid? Let's go Scottish. Alyssa Romano.

Alyssa Romano's back? Yeah. She's back and forth. We've had her. She keeps canceling. Listen. Yeah, it says she's declined. She tried to give $3.

What do you mean she's declined? I don't know. Now it says declined, so we're not even going to read her name. Yeah, she just- Ashley Orzoco. How you doing? Listen, Ashley, I'm going to be home in 10 minutes. If my fucking spaghet isn't ready, you're going to get it again.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm out with my boys, the Jets are on. And last but not least, Claire Starling. Claire Starling, she is too cool for school. She is, I'm going to go, she's a Swedish. Her roots are Swedish. And she's too cool for school. And she's a pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.

Yeah. And David Fuglesang is the last one. Fuglesang. Yeah. Fuglesang is, that's Scandin cool for school. And she's a pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Yeah. And David Fuglesang is the last one. Fuglesang. Yeah. Fuglesang is that Scandinavian as well. Yeah. I'm going to go probably a Dutch kid. He's a Dutch kid.

Yeah. He's a Dutch fucking white kid. Those are just the people. Those are just the Patreon members who we missed last week. At the end of this episode, we'll read out our newest Patreon members. And we have new to the clan. We have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight new $25 members that we have to call. Wow.

So for $25 members, just for the people who aren't familiar with our Patreon, go to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. For $25, we'll call you on the phone on the podcast. So we've got to call eight people today. We call everyone who becomes a $25 member once a month thank you all for your memberships as you know you get a lot of content for those memberships for each and every episode there is an additional patreon matriarchy only bonus episode and in addition to that if you're a $10 member you you get our walk and talks, our drive and talks. And, of course, our $25 members know that they get the special kamikazes as well.

And they get everything the $10 and $5 members get. And we got all sorts of new cool stuff still coming. Me and Chris are constantly doing content on the Patreon. Some of our best episodes are up on the Patreon. And we need your support, man. Like we say, you know, this content

is completely sponsored by the fans, produced by the fans, and it's uncensored the way that it is because you guys support it. So go over to patreon.com

slash bayridgeboys and join up. Become a member of the matriarchy. Start writing on our community board where we are constantly interacting with fans, and fans are interacting with each other. It's important. That is the era we live in now in this digital age.

If you find yourself feeling like you're not enjoying a lot of the comedy that's being pushed by networks or by the entertainment industry, that's fine. Come over here. We're here for you. Doing what we do. But you got to pay for it. You got to pay. And if you don't,

just keep being a fucking toot and listening for free. Yeah, so today's episode is we're carrying on with the theme of Women's Month. So we're going to do... How many more weeks do we have? How many have we done? How many bitches have we done?

Well, we've done... Really, we've only done one. Zach, did we do one or two? No, we just did... I think you did two. You did... Mary, Queen of Scots. Oh, Cleopatra!

You're a fucking no-memory Chrissy. Sorry. So this is the third one. Queen Elizabeth I. And then the fourth one. We've got one more to go. What women do you want to close out with the fourth one? I don't know.

But we're going to do one more for the Women's Month. And you know what we're going to do next? Why? You know what we're going to do next? Because of Kenneth. Kenneth, one of our Patreon members suggested, when are we going to do a Black History Month? Because we have so many

Black Matriarch members. Yes! We're going to fucking do it. So after this, we're going for full Black History Month in March. Yeah, for Black History Month, we're going to start out with the history of Eminem. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, just kidding. So we'll do

a full Black History Month after this. All right, cuz. So Elizabeth I. There's a lot of fucking wild things about Queen Elizabeth I. If you remember

our last episode, and again, sorry we're late on this one. As you said, there's extenuating circumstances we had to deal with. We had family problems. Yeah, I mean,

my dad has flatlined and come back to life at this point. Like, literally, my dad flatlined. problems. Yeah, I mean, my dad has flatlined and come back to life at this point. Like, literally, my dad flatlined. Yeah. Recently? Yeah, well, the first time he had congestive hair failure, he actually flatlined and they brought him back. My dad's a fucking fighter.

Your dad's a fighter, yeah. That does not remember he fought in the Korean War. Yeah. Yeah, it's just what it is. He will be at your wedding and he will dance. He will. And he will bang one of your wife's friends. He's up and ready to do it.

Cuz, I'm going to just so we're crystal clear. Be crystal clear with us. I will try to throw it at one of your wife's friends. Yeah. I'm just going to have to try. Yeah. Are you staying two at the castle? Yeah.

Yes. And I want to sleep in the marital suite with you and your wife. Yeah. Are you? Are you? Can I sleep, cuz? Can I sleep in your guy's suite? Cuz, you... Do you...

Would you... Cuz, I'm gonna be scared to sleep alone. Yeah, cuz we're gonna be in a castle, and there's definitely gonna be goggles. Yeah, so can I just sleep in your madhouse suite? Do you know there's ghosts in that? It's one of the oldest castles. Is it haunted? Is it...

It's haunted. It's haunted bed? Cuz, when you said haunted, you just... You're a fucking trash monkey from Queens. Yeah. It's one of the oldest castles. Is it haunted? It's haunted. It's haunted bad? Because when you said haunted, you just, you're a fucking trash monkey from Queens. Yeah. It's just what it is. Or is it Suffolk County, you fucking liar? I'm a liar. I'm actually from fucking North Dakota.

When you started doing comedy, you just told people you were from Long Island because Jersey Shore was big then. Yeah, I just told them whatever. And then I told them I was half Egyptian to try to get diversity points. Yeah. Because you're a sociopath. Yeah, I just don't care. Yeah, and now you're pretending to be gay because that's hot right now.

Yeah, that's just the good, it's just the in thing. Just like I've always, whatever nationality I think is going to get me further, that's what I just say I am and I say that I have Ancestry.com results to prove it. Cuz, did you make a Puerto Rican baby just for your career? I did, and I said it on my special, and I stand by it. I knew that it would get me further, and look what it has.

It has. Cuz, you just make videos of your daughter, and she has no choice but to be in them. Yeah, but she's funny. She's very funny. She's going to be a star. She is a fucking star. So if you remember, we did marry Queen of Scots. Now we're going to talk about her more famous, more successful first cousin who, make no mistake, had her fucking killed.

Yeah, Queen Elizabeth I, who was King Henry VIII's second daughter from his second wife, Anne of Boleyn, who allegedly was a piece. And then got her fucking head chopped off because, make a namestake, she didn't give him a son. So if you did not give King Henry VIII a son, he just chopped her fucking head off. That's what it is. And she was also, Anne Boleyn, she was pushing for the legitimacy of her daughter to be in line for the queen. And that was causing problems because, you know, King Henry VIII, although he was going against the Catholic Church, he was a Catholic kid. He was a Catholic kid.

And he had a lot of Lynn Catholic guilt. Yeah, because make no mistake, King Henry VIII, his first wife, Queen Catherine of Aragon, was from Spain, and she was a Catholic, okay? And then he wanted to get a divorce, but that was illegal in the Catholic Church. So King Henry VIII said, well, you know what? I'm going to make a new religion, and I'm just going to become a Protestant, and I'm just going to denounce Catholicism all of a sudden and marry Anne of Boleyn.

So he wanted him and Anne of Boleyn's marriage to be legitimized so their children could be succedors to his throne because he thought for sure Anne of Boleyn was going to give him a son, but it didn't work out, so she got her fucking head chopped off. You keep calling her Anne of Boleyn, but it was Anne Boleyn, right? Anne Boleyn. Yeah. Am I saying Anne of Boleyn?

I meant Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn. And then Jane Seymour was the next one. I'm just a fucking gay kid that sucks dick and watched the Tudors, and I fucking know about King Henry VIII, and there's times where I just want to push my cock back between my legs and put on a corset and give King Henry VIII a son that shit him right out of my ass. That's what you call doubling down on the gay jokes. Yeah. I don't care what that reviewer

said. I'm fucking going to be who I want to fucking be. Yeah. It is what it is. Say it in Spanish. Yeah. We got to say it in Spanish. We want it's just what it is in Spanish. We got to say it's what it is in all different languages. And it'd be great to have it's what it is

in Chinese, because it's just gonna sound like wei shan qi. Yeah, because me and Chrissy were throwing around saying it's just what it is in Spanish, but I can never remember what the words are. So, Anne Boleyn, she, at first she resisted King Henry VIII's advances

to her, right? Because she was, what was she, a chambermaid? What was she again? She was like, I think, one of Catherine of Aragon's ladies-in-waiting. I think she was just like, she would just help clean out her chamber pot, and then King Henry VIII walked in,

and just, you know, King Henry VIII used to be a real cute kid, so he just wanted to bang out, you know, he wanted to bang out Anne of Boleyn because he was pissed off at Catherine of Aragon. He was kind of like Chrissy Toot-Texter. Yeah, King of the Eighth, he had a few toots. Yeah, he was –

And he also had a few brews. He had a few brews and a few toots, and if he had a phone, he'd be Chrissy Toot-Texter. He'd be Chrissy – yeah, whoever called me Chrissy the Toot-Texter is funny. It's me. Yeah, it's funny. C-T-T. Yeah, C-T-T, Chrissy toot texter so that was that was her mom and she was known um after henry the eighth kind of turned on her a little bit because she wasn't providing um him with a

with a male and actually when he moved on to his next piece she started to be considered like the whore of england yeah nobody liked she went from being like beloved to then you know all media back in the day all the pr was was negative for Anna Boleyn. But they had a daughter, Queen Elizabeth, who grew up like, King Henry VIII didn't even like really see her, Queen Elizabeth. Let's be crystal clear about something. Yes. Queen Elizabeth I is one of the absolute giants of history.

100%. Let's be fucking crystal clear that her mother was beheaded when she was two years old. Yeah, and she still somehow survived, and she was third in succession for the throne, because at the end of King Henry VIII's life, he called all his children into a room and were like, here's how it's going to go. First in line in succession would have been his son. Then the second in line was Bloody Mary, who would go on to be known as Bloody Mary, King Henry VIII's daughter with Catherine of Aragon. And then the third line was Queen Elizabeth, King Henry VIII's daughter with Anne Boleyn.

So Queen Elizabeth was like, you know, nobody ever thought she would ever be. When you're third in succession for the crown, you don't think you're ever going to really become queen. But what happened was King Herod the 8th's son died six years into his reign. Then Bloody Mary died. And then, boom, we got Queen Elizabeth I, a fucking Protestant queen, sitting on the throne of England. And it's fucking wild. Yeah, I mean, the kid, he died of tuberculosis. He only reigned for five years.

Yeah, so it was quick in and out. And he was also a Protestant kid. But then Bloody Mary, Queen Mary, was a Catholic. And she started fucking burning Protestants at the stake. And make no mistake, that made Queen Elizabeth I feel uncomfortable. Yeah. I mean, even King Henry VIII wanted to get her hairship, I guess, revoked because he knew that she was going to reverse all the Protestant stuff. Yeah.

And yeah, she did. She was a devout Catholic. Because if my mother was queen, that's just what my mom would do too. Yeah. Okay? If you're devout, any religious, if you're a fanatic like that, things get a little weird. Yeah. And let's just make something crystal clear.

When I was a kid, my favorite porn star was Amberlynn. Who? Amberlynn. Amberlynn? Amberlynn. Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm just pulling up some sound clips from an old 80s porn. Was she dressed up in like King's attire?

No, but she was kind of named after Anne Boleyn, but it was Anne Boleyn. Anne Boleyn. Anne Boleyn, yeah. Have you ever seen the show The Tudors? Because the actress that plays Anne Boleyn is a piece. I've never seen the show The Tudors, but I have looked through your texts and seen some toots. Toots. Yeah, The Tudors.

We have The Tudors, and then we're going to make a sketch of the tooters. Yeah. T-O-O-T-O-R-S. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, because we got a few toots to call today. Because Amberlynn is known as a toot. She's a toot. So she gets fucking beheaded.

I mean, not to beat a dead horse, but I mean, these people were inbred and they just keep killing each other and attacking each other. It's fucking wild. It's fucking wild that Amberlynn was the mother of Elizabeth and the father killed the mother when the baby was two. Yeah, because like you said, they're inbred. They're not really that intelligent. They're given positions of power. But imagine you banged your second cousin and that kid was the king or queen.

That'd be an issue today, but it wasn't back then. Yeah, but it's just so funny that looking back with the modern bias that we have now through the filter of being an enlightened person in 2018, we can only now analyze that probably being inbred was responsible for all these crazy decisions to kill one another within their own family. Because back then, this just was normal. It was seen as normal. Yeah, they just weren't that smart.

One sister and another sister would be constantly trying to usurp each other and kill each other for access to the throne. So then Queen Elizabeth I becomes queen unexpectedly. And then within 48 hours, number one, she wipes out all of – doesn't kill them. She just fires all of Bloody Mary's Catholic council and makes all the council Protestant again and gives one man power who I forget his name. Do you remember his name? William Cecil? William Cecil. William Cecil had the power to override Queen Elizabeth.

Wait, was it William Cecil? Because that was her chief guy. That was like- That's the chief, yes. They say William Cecil and her almost like, she was like, when you look at the, what's his name, Peter from, what's the actor's name from Game of Thrones? Peter Dinklage. Peter Dinklage.

You could almost say he's probably based on... Cecil. On William Cecil. Because William Cecil was really Elizabeth's king of the hand, or hand king, or whatever the fuck it's called. Yeah. What is it called? In the Game of Thrones, it's called, yeah, the hand of the king.

The hand of the king, right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So that's what Cecil was. So Cecil and Queen Elizabeth would go on to rule for like 40 fucking years, and it was a pretty peaceful time because Queen Elizabeth was just an excellent ruler. She didn't, she wasn't burning people if you didn't succumb to, if you didn't, you know,

go with her religion. Well, she wasn't, right? She, yeah. So Mary, Mary Queen of Scots put her, I'm sorry, not Mary Queen of Scots, Bloody Mary put her in prison too. Elizabeth for like a- Elizabeth in prison. How long was she in prison for, do you remember? She had her in prison.

Zach, can you look that up? I don't know. She put her in prison. Then when she died, Elizabeth was, yeah, Elizabeth, like Kristen, was third in succession, took the throne because there was nobody else left at that point. left at that point. And she, the most important thing she did was establish her own church. Queen Elizabeth. Queen Elizabeth started what became known as the Church of England.

No, I thought it was King Henry VIII started the Church of England. No, no, no, no, no. That was Elizabeth. I thought it was King Henry VIII wasth was the church of england yeah yeah it was one of the first things she did too when she became queen which is smart which shows i mean historians definitely argue about a lot of stuff about elizabeth that's unsure you know um but what I believe, what I truly believe, is I think she was just a masterful tactician who just knew how to have this sort of public persona that really probably didn't match what the reality was.

Right. But she knew the power of propaganda and how important it was for her to be sort of this divine figure. And that's why she was called the Great Virgin Queen. And she established her own religion. And not only did she establish her own religion, but she became the supreme governor of that religion. And it was a Protestant church,

and it eventually evolved into being called the Church of England. And this sounds exactly like, this mirrors exactly like what my other hero, who's my other hero. Adolf Hitler. Yeah. Yeah, give me a fucking way, John Sheehan. I was just kidding.

John Sheehan. Yeah. I was only kidding. I was hoping you wouldn't get it. Queen Elizabeth spent two months in a jail cell at the Tower of London, and then she was under house arrest when Mary died, and she went from prisoner to queen in a few moments.

That's pretty wild. Yeah, in a few moments, prisoner to queen. It's pretty wild to queen in a few moments. That's pretty wild. Yeah, in a few moments, prisoner to queen. It's pretty wild to be in a jail cell. It was probably a pretty lavish jail cell. Yeah, and you know what, though? But Bloody Mary could have killed her. She didn't. She didn't want to kill her.

She just wanted her not to have any power because Bloody Mary deep down knew. It was her half-fucking sister. Yeah, but Bloody Mary deep down probably knew, like, hey. She's got no fumes. Well, she's got no fumes, and the people are going to rally around Queen Elizabeth more than going to rally on me because I'm fucking burning Protestants at the stake. Yeah, but that's what she believed. Like, can we just be crystal clear?

Let's just be crystal clear. Make no mistake. If my mother, Lynn, somehow ascended to the throne of Ridgewood and she became the queen of Ridgewood and she ruled from the top tier window of St. Matthias Church. If she ruled from the tower of Ridgewood. That's what we used to call it.

The skyline of Ridgewood. If her kingdom, her queendom was in the top floor and she looked down she'd probably burn a few Protestants. She'd burn a few Protestants and unfortunately you know what else she'd get burned? I think she'd burn a few Protestants. No. She'd burn a few Protestants. And unfortunately, you know what else she'd get burned?

I think she'd burn a few Protestants. And she'd probably set a few neighborhoods on fire like Sunset Park. Can we get a way some shit, please? Way some shit. Unfortunately, I think she would look at her tower. And if she saw what looked to her like a Puerto Rican flag, it was probably going to get lit on fire. Just keep that butt in your head. I'm just kidding.

She's a little frustrated with your baby. Yeah, she's a little frustrated with the decisions I've made. She would probably burn me at the stake for saying some of the things that I've said on this podcast. By the way, if you are not a member of our Patreon, it's become a tradition. Every time we're doing a walk and talk

and I pass a Catholic church, I just need to scream the word pedophiles. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. We get into a lot more detail on every episode we do, and we just have so much more fun there, and it's fun, but you gotta pay for it. You have to pay for it. Because it's just the way to make a living in 2019,

or else you could just watch some dumb fucking sitcom with glossy stuff. Or you could watch The Simpsons without a poo. Now, Elizabeth was very educated. She spoke like five languages. She liked to fucking bow hunt. She was like a badass chick. Absolutely. She was a badass chick

and she decided, and this is why I think she's such a smart, brilliant woman. She decided against marrying because you you know, when you marry and then you have a kid, you've created a rival. You've created someone who eventually is going to take the throne. take the throne. So that person, as you look throughout history,

may decide to fucking poison you or killing you to take the throne, even though they're your son or your daughter or your husband. And she felt she was married to England. But that's where I think was the, yeah, I think that part was sort of the propaganda part. But I believe the rumors.

I think the real reason she didn't marry and what the rumors were swirling around and what I know got Giannis horny and interested in wanting to do the story is there were big time rumors that Queen Elizabeth was actually a guy. Yeah. And once Giannis saw that,

then all of a sudden he started, now if you look at Giannis' phone, it's all Google images of Queen Elizabeth I. Once I heard that, I go, now I'm listening. Now he's listening. Yeah, because Giannis started,

as soon as I told him, hey, I'm doing some research and Queen Elizabeth I, there's rumors she had a cock, I could hear his feet slipping into his stockings. Yeah! I could hear skin against nylon,

and I could just feel it pull it up, and I heard heavy breathing, and then I just heard a little splooge come out, and I knew what he was doing. There's no legitimacy to the rumors that she was a man. Yeah, but. It's just a stupid rumor. She was a chick and supposedly she was a piece.

Supposedly she was a big flirt. Yeah. She had a lot of charisma. They say she had the personality of Henry VIII who was also charismatic. Yeah. And she would have sucked me in because she used to brush her teeth with candy. Yeah, she had a big sweets problem. Big sweets problem.

So I would have been team Queen Elizabeth. Because by the time she got older, her fucking mouth had completely rotted out. Yeah, and they said her breath stunk. Because they say she used to brush her teeth with honey. That's a fucking stupid thing. That's a stupid thing. That just lets you know, even the smartest of smartest people like her, just because they lived in history where people were just generally franks and beans

right except for the ancient greeks yes um they were just fucking franks and beans people yeah it's interesting like what was ancient greece doing in the 1500s like i feel like you don't hear about ancient greece and we were running we were being occupied by turkey oh that's right yeah we were getting uh you know your ass is handed to you by the ottomans right and sometimes quite literally getting you know getting raped so it's what it is because it's it's you know. Your ass is handed to you by the Ottomans, right? And sometimes quite literally getting raped. It's what it is because, you know, it's brutal. One of Queen Elizabeth's famous mottos, one that she made famous that she would say with regards to how she ruled, was video et tasio, which means I see but say nothing. Yeah. Meaning that's a very

That's fucking gave me the chills actually I see but I say nothing In other words she doesn't want people to know what she knows But she knows But she knows Which is smart Because you think she's Basically what that says is like

She's playing dumb You don't know she's playing dumb. You don't know. She's playing dumb. So you grow confident thinking you're going to get away with it. But that bitch has been on to you the whole time. The whole fucking time. Yeah. I like that.

Yeah, I like that a lot too. She was considered very tolerant. Let's just preface all this by saying she ruled for 44 to 45 years, which is atypical. As you can tell, her previous two, you know, the two previous rulers, a couple years, a couple fucking, I mean, you know, they didn't make it far. 44 years is a huge success.

Even just to live 44 years back in those days was unbelievable. Everyone dying of the plague and getting killed. Yeah, especially with the way she loves sweets. And I think she liked dick too. I think she had a private life where she fucked. Fucked a lot. She fell in love with that dude. I think she fucked.

Well, they said based off her gynecological records, there's not much, but she may have had some impenetrable membrane in her vagina that like she couldn't get banged out that could easily be fixed today but was a problem there where like a dick just couldn't get in. Yeah. She could pee, but she just couldn't get banged out. I don't know. It's just what the gynecologist said. Yeah. She could pee, but she just couldn't get banged out. I don't know. It's just what the gynecologist said. Yeah. I mean, maybe that's all propaganda too, like, of her doing. I don't know. You don't know. That's the thing about

that's what's so mysterious about her is there's a lot we know about her, but there's a lot they don't know about her. Yeah. I mean, they do know that she wasn't a virgin. I mean, like... How do they know that? Because she had, you know, she had a boyfriend or whatever. She had that lover for a little while. Yeah, but that doesn't mean she got banged out. Of course she's gonna get banged out.

She's a piece and she's got no fumes. What are you gonna do with that? Yeah, she's brushing her teeth with honey. Every woman wants... Everybody wants to get banged out. Yeah. But she knew that it was good for her image to have this holy aura around her. And also because... Like the pharaohs. Like all the leaders, the great leaders do.

They make themselves religious figures. And she's Queen Elizabeth. She's the Queen of England. She's the most eligible bachelorette in the world. If you take off that corset and that dress and there's a dick there, you're going to put it in your mouth. Right? It's just what-

100%. Like you're already down there. You're not going to say you got to blow the queen slash king of England. Yes. For somebody who started off as the illegitimate bastard son of the- Bastard daughter of King Edward VIII. Of the VIII, and who was declared illegitimate in 1570 by the Catholic Church, the most powerful religious entity in the world at that time.

She's a pretty successful boss bitch. Absolutely. I mean, cuz, understand that there was nobody and nothing to protect her. So, like, she could have just been thrown in the river as an infant, or Bloody Mary could have just cut her head off. Like, there was nothing. But yet, you know, and that all adds to her legend. It's like, and people would say that, like,

this woman should have been dead, but, like, was it divine intervention that now she rules for 40 years? Like, it's unheard of. So she had to have a lot of charisma and somebody protecting her, probably Jesus Christ. And also very sages, and like most successful rulers, she had very wise advisors.

Like we said,iam cecil is considered to be you know kind of a co-ruler in a lot of ways because she was such a trusted advisor she was really the right hand man to her rule right so she was a smart chick, and she surrounded herself with smart people. She was very, very cautious, supposedly, in foreign affairs and war. But then in the 1580s around, the most famous thing happened to her. What really made her and cemented her rule, as you can tell with all big rulers throughout history, Alexander the Great, George Washington, the list goes on. I mean, you could just keep going on, right? Attila the Hun, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Military prowess deifies you.

Yeah. If you are viewed, look at Ulysses Grant as a great example. If we're going to just- He was such a shit president, but he won the war, so he's a legend. He was able to be elected president because he was seen as such a war hero. Before he was even a general, he was a fucking loser alcoholic. He was a loser. Yeah.

He was an absolute loser in life until the Civil War happened, and then he found what he was good at, which was being a general, and that's what made him a president. Eisenhower? General Eisenhower, right to president? Boom. If any general ran for president, they're going to win. Boom. Yeah. You got a good chance.

It just deifies you. It takes it to another level. Yeah. So when war with Spain seemed like it was unavoidable, Elizabeth committed, and she fucking went to war with Spain. Yeah. The famous defeat, of course, we all took in our history classes and we know, the defeat of the Spanish Armada. The invincible.

The invincible. The invincible Armada. Considered to be invincible, their fucking navy. And Elizabeth said, yeah, I'm a fumeless bad bitch. Yeah, because even back then, even though, and what was true back then is still true today, the whites are superior. Wei Zhongxin. Wei Zhongxin.

Wei Zhongxin. I was kidding. I was kidding. I just did it for comedic effect to try to get a laugh. Yeah, because Spanish are also white. Spanish are also white. And actually, to be honest with you, Spanish from Spain is a superior white and Spanish. Okay, we need another Wei Zhongxin, please.

Wei Zhongxin. I mean, this kid is... I can't. I can't. You're a superior white and Spanish. Okay, we need another Wei Zhongxing, please. Wei Zhongxing. I mean, this kid is... I can't, I can't. You're a wild kid. Yeah. I was joking, of course. If you don't know he's joking, get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

I mean, it is what it is. We make jokes about everybody. We love everyone. Yeah, we love everyone. Make no mistake. But Ku Klux Krisi can't be stopped. Cannot be stopped. Because, yeah, I fucking love.

That's the beauty about being born and raised in New York. It's impossible to hate any group because we're around every single group. I mean, if you really truly hate a group, it's more of a reflection of the sad state of your own life. Exactly. You know what I mean? I'm happy in life, so how could I hate anybody? Yeah, but I also hate people who pretend like, you know, hey, I'm not, I don't have any, I don't notice anything. I hate those people too because you don't even hang out with those people.

If you're a person in my life, you know where alarm bells go off? If I ever meet a person and I hear them say either to me or to someone else that they don't see color, I stay away from that person. Yeah. Because that's all they see is color and they're fucking, that's a real, I hate when people say that. I don't see color because it's a lie. Fucking stupid. Because you have to see color.

We all have different cultures, races, religions. You have to see it and appreciate the good parts. Exactly. Yeah. So Queen Elizabeth, after her defeat

of the Spanish Armada, she just went on to have just a successful rule that lasted 45 years. It's now known by historians as the Elizabethan era. You know, art flourished. Poetry flourished.

This is where the period that gives us Shakespeare, Christopher Marlowe. Everything was accepted then. You could be gay in the street and it wasn't a problem Is that true? I don't know that part One of the research I did That she didn't have a problem with Sexual fluidity She didn't have a problem with that at all

She definitely did burn a lot of Catholics It's just sometimes Sometimes you gotta put a few of those down Sometimes you gotta light some people up Yeah she did fucking kill a lot of Catholics, which is interesting because Bloody Mary ends up being remembered in history as Bloody Mary for the, you know, roughly 300 Protestants that she killed. Right. Elizabeth probably killed twice as many Catholics, maybe more. Who knows?

She had a 44 year reign. Yeah. But, you know, because she, you know, history is really written by the winners. Yeah. Nobody criticized her for that. But she killed some fucking Catholics. There's no question she killed a lot. And it just is. It just-o-s-k-s.

Yeah. Whatever it is. So, she was pretty popular throughout that whole reign, which is nuts. England just enjoyed peace. They enjoyed an enlightened period. Towards the end of her reign. Things start to fall apart towards the end. Everyone started to get diseases and there was famine everywhere.

Everybody was poor. Yeah. And there was famine everywhere. Everybody was poor. Yeah. I mean, it started to fall apart a little bit. But she had an amazing, an amazing fucking run. So that's Queen Elizabeth.

And there's a lot to be said about her being one of the most important figures in history, really. Because she had such a successful reign and was able to maneuver as a woman and a Yas queen. Yas. During a time of white male patriarchy. So, it's a very nice thing. Yeah. She's a very nice woman. Yeah.

Queen Elizabeth's one of my favorite. I remember seeing the, there's a lot of movies, obviously, on Queen Elizabeth, but the one that I think is the best is the one with Cate Blanchett, I think, from 1999 or 2000. I got to see that. And I want to see the Mary Queen of Scots movie. Because you want to sit on my love sack tonight and watch Mary Queen of Scots? Yeah, but I'm going to have to shower first because my whole body smells. I got a dirty ass right now.

You got a dirty ass. You did not witch hazel your ass. No, I am un-witch hazeled right now. Because you always got a dirty ass. You got a dirty ass. You did not witch hazel your ass. No, I am un-witch hazel right now because you always have a clean ass. I got a clean ass because I'm self-conscious about my ass and hips. So I always make sure my ass is squeaky clean. And what do you clean it out with? I clean it out. Sometimes I clean out with hydrogen peroxide. Yeah. Yeah. It feels good. But I usually use a loofah and I put Old Spice soap on the loofah and I dig it in my ass. Is that wild? And then I wash my body with the loofah I just dug in my ass. Yeah, that's why black people think we're gross.

Because you know what? I just wash with a bar of soap and yeah, I clean my ass, balls and face with it. Yeah. I think that black people have a case. Yeah, because. I think they do have a case that white people are nasty. Nasty. I know.

Yeah, we got to. I know. But loofahs are disgusting. I watch something once, all the bacteria on loofahs, but I just continue to wash them, and that's why I get stives on my eyes. And if you don't get your fucking cough checked, I'm going to get mad and throw you off the Verrazano Bridge. But isn't a washcloth just as dirty?

Because what are you using to wash your ass? Something with a loofah is because you keep using it, a washcloth, when you, you know, because there's been times where I wipe my ass with a washcloth and i just have to throw it right in the hamper because i got some streaks on the washcloth yeah i so how do black kids wash their ass with their hand or what do you what do you mention in black kids they're saying because they use washcloths well black kids don't go bar of skin they only use washcloth how many good black friends have you had a lot they all that's a washcloth. But I've never taken showers with them. Have you ever

taken a shower at their house? You know what? I used to take showers when I was on the basketball team. It's interesting because we would all

shower and the white kids would get butt naked but the black kids would wear bathing suit shorts in the shower even though they had the biggest dogs. Is that weird?

Yeah, they just probably not into that gay shit. You know what I mean? That's Harvey Spencer Jr.'s thing And now that I think There was a fucking Always a coach Who used to stand

Kind of one foot in One foot out of the shower That's a little weird Yeah, Catholic stuff, right? Yeah, and he was just like Just wanted to make sure There's no funny business in here Yeah, that's a little

Because I got a blue chew In my pocket Which if I eat it right now I'll get an instant wood What's a blue chew? It's like a form of Viagra That's like natural Or something like that I got it on It, I'll get an instant wood. What's a blue chew? It's like a form of Viagra that's like natural or something like that. I got it on... It's not gonna be

instant. You gotta get yourself going and then it'll... You've had a blue chew before? I haven't had it. I have them though. I'm waiting for the occasion. Why do you need them? You're a 23-year-old kid. It's not about like not being able to. It's about making like sex better. Just like a... Does it rate? Does it fuck with your heart though? Probably. All those things

kind of do. Yeah, I don't want to take it, then. I don't need it. Yeah, you don't need it at all. Yo, can I read out the last few Patreon members? Yeah. Or you want to finish up on Queen Elizabeth? You want to wrap it up? I was just going to say, another very interesting fact is, you know, we do all these people,

and you start to compare one to the other and see. Right. See, much like Cleopatra, who was the last Ptolemaic ruler. I always have trouble pronouncing that. Ptolemaic. Yeah, because you're making it up. Ptolemaic. No, Ptolemaic. She was the last of that line.

Queen Elizabeth was the last tutor. Yeah. Because she did not reproduce. I mean, you know, she did not reproduce an heir. She did not reproduce an heir. And then. So then who became her cousin once removed or something? Well, it was interesting.

Because King James VI of Scotland, who was married Queen of Scots, son became actually King James I of England. And he was the sixth. He was King James VI in Scotland, but then King James I of England. He was the first king to actually unite the kingdom, the United Kingdom. England and Scotland, for the first time in history, were ruled under the same king, King James I. And her mom was Mary Queen of Scots. Yeah, that was her.

That's fucking wild that Elizabeth made the son of her cousin who she fucking killed her successor. Yeah. They're just inbred people. It's just wild. Well, but she couldn't speak. The last three, four months of of her life Queen Elizabeth couldn't speak her teeth were rotted out she just made a crown symbol so her ladies

in waiting assumed that she meant make King James VI of Scotland my successor so they don't know we actually don't know if that's what Queen Elizabeth I wanted but they assumed that because she made a crown symbol that's what she meant so in reality because back in the day, man,

there was no video evidence of anything. Something could happen to you in a room, and I could say he told me to say that, and you just had to go on the word of it. Yeah. It's wild. Supposedly, as Queen Elizabeth aged, she did not age, she did not do well.

She did not take it well. She started, like, you know, Putting on more and more makeup And the makeup that they used back then Was actually corrosive And actually made the aging worse And it also got into her brain It was like toxic fumes Yeah, and she would wear a wig to cover the grays

And she would wear these ornate outfits Yeah, it was said to take She had like 30,000 dresses or something like that Yeah, and it was said Very colorful like a peacock And we've all seen the famous portraits of her And how she just kind of looked like this She had like 30,000 dresses or something like that. Yeah, and it was said very colorful like a peacock. We've all seen the famous portraits of her and how she just kind of looked like this godly fucking pharaoh. Because we've got to go to England.

We've got to go to Queen Elizabeth's house. We've got to go to England, no? Yeah, we do. What she would do is as she got older, she would all the women around her, all the women in her court, every woman that was in the same room with her, she demanded that they wore white or black, and that's it. And they wore, they were unmade, because she wanted, she was insecure. She wanted to stick out. She wanted to stick out.

Interesting. That's the type of things that she did. So just from that, you can tell she was just a very Machiavellian, very practical, pragmatic, smart ruler. Okay. And she deserves all the credit for what a successful run she had. She was fluent in fucking Greek and French and Italian and Latin. She was extremely learned. She was well-versed in all the teachings from the renaissance

Supposedly she was quick witted She had a big dick She had a big fucking piece And she founded the Church of England essentially So She was a big, big giant in history And that's Elizabeth And

She had a I'm looking at in history, and that's Elizabeth. I'm looking at a portrait of her right now. Wow. People used to dress fucking wild, cuz. They really did. I mean, Jesus Christ. Look at her outfit. She looks a little like Meryl Streep, Queen Elizabeth.

Have you noticed that? Yeah, she does. Yeah. Would you bang it out? 100%. I'd bang out Meryl Streep. No, but Meryl Streep when she was young was a pa pa pa Piss Would I bang out Queen Elizabeth? Absolutely

Cause there's really nobody I wouldn't bang out I'm trying to think of somebody I wouldn't bang out Yeah you just cause you're not Cause I'm really not present You're just trying to push the gay down Yeah that's what I'm motivated by Just pushing down the gay That's why I got so nervous when my dad Was in the hospital cause like if he dies I'm just gonna have to come out and I'm motivated by Just pushing down the gay Yeah Cuz That's why I think I got so nervous When my dad was in the hospital

Because like if he dies I'm just gonna have to come out And I'm not ready yet Yeah Alright cuz Yeah How far along are we? 57 minutes

Oh So yeah And you know We'll get into further detail We'll also We'll get into further detail On the Patreon Yeah we'll talk about

On our Patreon episode Which you have to join our Patreon to get all our bonus episodes. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge, boys. We're going to talk about, I'll talk about my trip to Hamilton, Ontario this weekend. I was a part of the grand opening of the new Levity Comedy Club, which replaced the Yuck Yucks up there. And we'll talk about Hamilton being a piece of shit town. It's a fucking dirt hole. But the club's nice. Yeah, the club's great.

And Chris will talk about his trip to Seattle, and we'll get a little further in detail, some special details about Queen Elizabeth I. We have one more Yas Queen month, and next week, who's it going to be? Who do you want to do next week? I was thinking— Let's do... You know who I wanna fucking... It's gotta be a queen. It's Yas Queen month. Oh, it has to be an actual

queen? Of course. We've done three queens and now we said we were gonna do instead of two dub queens. Yas queen. We're gonna do four dub queens. Let's fucking do... I want to do an ethnic queen. Do you wanna do fucking Princess Di? But she's a princess. Yeah, same.

Shot. No, it has to be someone like really from history. Oh, fuck yeah. Not for TD. Oh, shot. But we already did. We already did a Sandy. Ways on shit. I'm kidding. Can you at least

see Sandra? Sandra D. Sandra D. That's what I said. I'm just kidding. Sandra. Sandra D. Sandra. Sandra D. That's what I said. I'm just kidding. Sandra. Sandra D. Yeah, Sandra D. I said it's Sandra D. You cannot be contained, Chrissy.

Yeah, I'm just kidding. Sandra D. We did a Sandra D. Chrissy Greenlights. Yeah. Who could we do? Who's the queen of American history? Let's think of it.

You want to do Martha Washington? No, but she... We need... How about Abraham Lincoln's wife? No, but she, we need, we need a real How about Abraham Lincoln's wife? No, Mary Washington, she was fucking crazy with Mary Lincoln.

We'll do all those eventually, but we need a queen. We need a fucking queen. Nefertiti's, it could be a good one. But she's too close to Cleopatra. Yeah.

I've got a list of the most famous queens. Let's hear it. Elizabeth I, Elizabeth II, Queen Victoria, Cleopatra. Queen Victoria is a name.

Catherine the Great. Ooh. Catherine the Great from Russia. I don't know how to pronounce this one. Hatsheputs. It's just because you can't read. Yeah. Because people have seen your descriptions of the Patreons.

They're all misspelled. Eleanor of Aquitaine. Ooh. Zenobia. Is there any good Muzzies? Maria Theresa. I couldn't pronounce it. It was the one that a hat should...

Mahaladi? Yeah. Yeah, let's do a Muzzed Out Queen. You want to do... We got to find one that's Muzzed Out? Look, we'll probably do Catherine the Great, because that's another giant. Catherine the Great's a giant.

She's a Russian, right? Yeah, she was a giant. But how about this if there's any yas queen you want to hear about write it on our matreon page patreon.com slash bayridge yeah right on the community board okay and here are the newest here are the newest newest members of the patreon and then also which and then we're going to make a couple of calls to our $25 members. But right now, here are the newest members. Brandon H. Brandon H. Yeah.

What's up, kid? Brandon H, he's just a good old Irish, Scottish, waspy, Germanic roots American kid. Next up, the other side. The other side? Yeah. Okay. He's a mysterious kid. Chris Martinez? Yeah. Okay. He's a mysterious kid. Chris Martinez.

Yeah! What's up, my people? Chris Reed. Chris Reed. Wow. Can you get more white than Chris Weed? You are Weed! Gabriela Antigone

Matildes. Say that one again? Gabriela Antigone Matildes. Wow. Say that one again. Gabriela Antigone Matildes. We got a nice. She's a pa-pa-pa from Venezuela. Venezuela. I think she eats cachapas. Brian Sullivan.

Brian Sullivan. That kid, his father's a cop. He's a fucking Irish kid, and it is what it is. He's the type of kid you don't want to fight because, make no mistake, Irish kids, they take a beating and they just don't stop coming. Yeah. Andrew Ott.

Andrew Ott. With two Ts. O-T-T. It's a kid who just, he has a few relatives that fought in the Civil War. He doesn't come from money. They were paupers. They were just poor farm boys. Yeah.

But he's an American fucking kid, Protestant kid, whose ancestors are Puritans. Lindsey Hariman. Lindsey Hariman? Yeah. Is she- Hariman. H-A-R-I-M-A-N. Indian.

I'm going to go Indian. She's an Indian girl. Jessica Kasani. Jessica Kasani. How you doing? Listen. All right, listen. She looks like a piece.

Yeah. Listen. I tell you, you're going to get married. If you're going to marry my daughter, you're going to take care of my daughter. And listen, I know how guys are. Look at me in the face when I'm talking to you, Vincent. Vincent, look at me, all right? All right?

Listen to me. What's her last name? Cassani, but it's K-A-S-A-I-N-I. I don't know if that's Italian. That's Italian. Say, I'm listening, Mr. Cassani. Say it. Mr. Cassani.

Yeah, are you listening to me? Yeah. Vincent, are you listening to me?. Say, I'm listening, Mr. Cassani. Say it. Mr. Cassani. Yeah. Are you listening to me? Yeah. Vincent, are you listening to me? Yes. You say, yes, Mr. Cassani. Mr. Cassani, yes. That's right.

Listen, look, you treat my daughter with respect. If you got a gumar, I don't want her to know about it. And listen, my dry cleaning business is now your dry cleaning business. Yeah. Okay? We're in business together. My daughter's husband is my son. Yeah.

And I'm just happy he doesn't use cocoa butter. Come on. Wait until she hits it. Thank you. Say it with some fucking meaning if you don't have the recording. We're just kidding. Wait until she hits it. All right.

Eric. That's a funny one, by the way. So if somebody smells a little like cocoa butter, can he date Delilah? No. Delilah's boyfriend has to smell like Luberderm lotion. Yeah, like Cetaphil. No, I'm kidding. Okay, Eric is the next one.

One name. We know what it is. April, one name. Back to back. Yep. Mavri. Autumn Snow. Autumn Snow?

Sounds like a porn star. No, Autumn Snow is a huge fan. Shout out to Autumn Snow. Yes. Oh, I know Autumn Snow. Autumn Snow? Sounds like a porn star. No, Autumn Snow is a huge fan. Shout out to Autumn Snow. Yes, oh, I know Autumn Snow. Take it. She's come to every single one of my shows. She loves everything Bay Ridge Boys, Maurice Sopano. What's up, Autumn Snow?

Shout out. She's super fan status. Yes. Okay, Nicole Mora. Nicole Mora. That's a good old Irish. She's an Italian Catholic girl who, make no mistake, got finger blasted in the basement of Matthias. Yeah.

Sarah, S-A-R-A-H-I, Sarahi Rodriguez. Yeah, it's a Puerto Rican girl from Sunset. Yeah, and she has a tattoo on her tit. I'm in. Next up, Dainty Ding Dong Dylan. Funny kid, PPW nominee, and he's a kid named Dylan.

There is nobody on this planet named Dylan who's not 100% fucking white. Christopher Colito. There's no whiter name than Dylan. Christopher Colito. Christopher Colito, listen to me. Alright, Colito. Colito no whiter name than Dylan. Christopher Colito. Christopher Colito, listen to me. All right, Colito. Colito and Colito real estate insurance.

All cash, please. Mike McCray. Mike McCray? How you doing, Mikey? Shaw, your father owns a bar, and that's where you drink. Dave Rusum Jr. drink? Dave Rusum Jr. Dave Rusum Jr. He's just a normal kid from

Arizona who doesn't mind hearing news that there was a couple of guys who were a little ten who got stopped and asked if their papers could be seen. It's what it is. Elizabeth Cronin. Elizabeth Cronin? Wow. She's royalty. That's Wasp royalty.

She has blonde hair, yeah. Yeah, she's Wasp royalty. I'm going to go Cronin. She's royalty. That's Wasp royalty. She has blonde hair, yeah. Yeah, she's Wasp royalty. I'm going to go Cronin. She's a British woman who comes from money. Mitchell Tata. Mitchell Tata? T-E-T-A. Tata. Tata?

I'm going to go South America. I'm going to go Panamanian. Mitchell Tata's a Panamanian kid. Last but not least, Craig Clifford. Craig Clifford? I mean, because I just love the African-American

community that is supporting us. But it's, you're wrong. He's a white kid with a white baby. He's got a white baby? Yeah.

Yeah, because that's not normal for you. You're a white kid who doesn't have a white baby. Yeah, I don't have a white baby.

The last thing I want is a white baby. I want my baby to be half African-American, Puerto Rican, and Chinese. Yeah. All right.

Well, those are the newest members of our patrons. Do we have the capability to call today, or is all that stuff down? That's down. Okay. But it'll be back up by next show, so we'll do all the calls. So next show, we'll do a whole show. We've got to do a lot of $25 calls next week. So we'll try to do it.

We'll do half and half. So if you're a $25 member of our patron, thank you so much for your service. We will get to your call. We're just half and half. So if you're a $25 member of our Patreon, thank you so much for your service. We will get to your call. We're just having some. They're renovating the studios. We're finally going to get cameras that are in HD so you can see that I got yellow stains on my teeth. Yeah.

So thank you very much. And head over to Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys to hear the bonus episode about our weekends and Queen Elizabeth in more detail. Yeah. Yas, Queen! Yes, and get us on Instagram at History Hyenas. You can get me, Chris D Comedy, chrisdcomedy.com, everywhere I got shows coming up.

Denver Comedy Works and the Philadelphia Punchline. So check it out, late February. And my website's down, but I'll be at Governors and... Yeah, follow me on Twitter. Yeah, follow Giannis' tweets. They're getting pretty alt-right. I gotta go suck a dick. ប្រូវាប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប Bye.