History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 85 - Rachel Feinstein is WILD!

Episode Date: August 25, 2019

The Hyenas sit down with Rachel Feinstein for a WILD conversation! Amy Schumer’s best friend is a hilarious comedian and has great chemistry with the boys. This one is straight comedy no history. Just three girls chatting it up. Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

What's up? I'm Chris DiStefano, a.k.a. Chrissy D, a.k.a. King Gay. You're listening to the Bay another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Chris DiStefano, aka Chrissy Countera. Chrissy Countertops. With me, as always, my co-host. Yeah, well, I guess we're both co-hosts. My co-host, my fucking, my lady-in-waiting, Giannis Pussyhat Pop-Fest. Why did that trip you up, co-host? I don't know why. Yeah, because it's been a long day.

You don't want to be here. Your fever just came back. I don't want to be here. And today's a fucking special, special day. Wow. We have a nice guest here. Because we're going back-to don't want to be here. And today's a fucking special, special day. Wow. We have a nice guest. Because we're going back to back Jews. We're going back to back Jews.

We have Rachel Feinstein in there. And we also have Zach Isis. So I don't know how it's going to happen because they fucking hate each other. Yeah, because we're going from Ari Shaffir to Rachel Feinstein. Because we might as well just light a menorah. Light a menorah. I got to take a shower. There's so much Jew in here.

Welcome, Rachel Feinstein. Thank you so much, Rachel Feinstein. Do you know that I can smell coins from over 70 miles away? Yeah, we already did know that. Zach, I just gave us your whole playbook. Yeah. We know how you guys do. One of the best comedians. Feinstein. I love that neither of you know my name. What did I call it? Feinstein.

Rachel, yeah. Feinstein is the way most Feinsteins say it, right? Are you trying to make it sound less Jew? No, I mean Feinstein. Feinstein's German. I mean, both of them are wildly Jew-y. I feel like, yeah.

That name's not doing me any favors either way. Yeah. When I hear Feinstein though, I hear like German, like Feinstein. But then when I hear Feinstein, I hear... That's how, like Feinstein. But then when I hear Feinstein, I hear... That's how I'm not trying to turn you guys on, but that's how my grandfather,

Lester Feinstein, said it. Wow. Picture how an audience, speaking of sweeping up plus funds. Lester Feinstein. Oh, Lester's numbers were good, my friend.

Oh, Lester. Were you from Germany? Were you from the tribe? My father's side... No, my father's side is a mix of Polish, Russian, Ashkenazi Jews. Ashkenazi Jews are the hot ones, right? Remember, we went over this with Ari. What were the hot ones?

Sephardic. Sephardic. Ashkenazi are the smart ones. Right. It missed Rachel, though. But you can't. But we're not allowed. But we're not allowed.

It missed Rachel. So Ashkenazis are the smart ones. And what are the Rosh Hashanah Jews? What are the other ones? The Rosh Hashanah Jews? What are the other ones? The Rosh Hashanah Jews It's Sephardics But we still can't We're not allowed to mate with either group

But we can mate with the group What's the rules? I mean, first of all You mean what did Jesus say? Yeah Jesus said, no, you can't mate with them It's bad Yeah

Okay He didn't meet You want to hear something about Chris? This is a true story Yes People who've heard the Ari episode knows But it bears repeating Because you would like to know what the truth is

The truth is Chris did not meet a Jewish person until he was 23 years old, growing up in New York City. God damn it, you're dumb. I know you were scared of us, too. You probably thought we were up to all sorts of things collectively and stuff.

Yeah, like my grandpa used to lock the windows when we'd drive through a city Jewish neighborhood and be like, oh, they're going to try to get in the car. My brother, his college college roommate had never met a Jew. And he said he was absolutely terrified when he walked into the room. He said he was white, just up against the wall like this. His whole family was like they were like up in arms. They were just like, you've got to get out of this.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. He definitely thought. How do you get that racist slowly became friends and he told justin um they were having like some gross bonding gentle moment when they were both shit face and he told him he's like dude man he's like i fucking love you like not

you know fagway or anything but i fucking love you i love you almost like if you weren't a jew exactly yeah it was like the it was just such a disaster of a sentence yeah we're not gay whatever but i'm not a jew hater and he's like i thought you had horns i thought you were gonna i was gonna uncover a horn people really believe that and they also believe that we like meet and and plan things which to me is so funny yeah they think that you guys have little backroom meetings where you just figure out how to control the world but we were were talking about Jews kind of just kind of do their own thing. And everyone hates Jews. And we were trying to figure out with Ari why. They hate us so much.

Why is it? I don't hate Jews. Huh? I've never hated a Jew. You don't hate anyone, but you don't really care. I mean, because they really do think that we're up to things. Like, I took this cab from, or like, a guy was driving me from his show in Alabama, you know, years ago.

And he goes um he goes he was talking about new york city asked me where i was from and he goes i drove a tractor through that town once it was crawling with jews and he said it like it was the most terrifying campfire and then he goes they were all out celebrating their holiday rosh has shown and he said it like it was the most terrible like demon-esque dance jewesque dance I mean it all must have been a lie because first of all why would he drive a tractor through New York City there's definitely like a supply he didn't know you were a Jew

he didn't know because he was kind of confiding in you yeah he was kind of warning me and what did you do did you pretend to you were like yeah those god damn Jews for me it's like I think stuff like that is so funny so it's like Christmas morning like I was half asleep and then he's saying the funniest and you're dying laughing I was crying but i think i mean it was i yeah because the best thing that had happened all day which but that's because i think in my

generation i didn't live with the real threat you know like my dad had people like put swastikas in his locker and stuff like that you know so for me i grew up i knew jews and so to me anti-semitism was always just hysterical. If you were having a boring day and someone said something anti-Semitic, it was exciting and hilarious. Because I'm a moron. I didn't understand the real things that were at stake in the past. That's interesting because I similarly, like my best friend is Jewish. Jews were just around.

Jews were not a weird thing to me. So when I met people who thought Jews were weird, it was weird to me. I'm like, Jews are just here, right? And they're weird, it was weird to me. I'm like, Jews are just here, right? And they're like, I've never met one. I'm like, you're 56. How could you have not met a Jew? I probably did meet Jews before I was 23, but I didn't smell them yet. I didn't know.

You gotta learn how to My family would teach me techniques, like when you come in contact with a Jew, just go to your happy place. Because you're going to try to steal your soul kind of thing yeah i i realize when people i realize that people think we're weird like when um like sometimes you'll be hanging out with somebody for a whole evening and then like if i'm on the road or something and they'll be like you know i have a cousin that's a jew like they and i'm like oh they've only seen me as just like a giant jay like

all they saw was like a snout like i had no idea you know what i mean they were like an anti-semite and you're having a fun loving time with them but they're just staring at you like waiting for just you to sniff coins and they kind of let you know they've interacted with one jew before and they're okay with whatever you are whatever weird virus they consider you to be you know like i thought we were just hanging out. But they were doing a thorough Jew investigation. Yeah, and they were bringing back information for their families to tell them what we were up

to and stuff. She was actually pretty normal. They'll say I made a Jewish person today. I was expecting for more strange behavior, but be honest with you, she was pretty normal. One guy told me, I swear to God, I was on the road in the South. This guy told me i swear to god i was on the road in the south this guy told me that he thought that jews controlled the interest rate in the torah like that we had written the interest

rates like years ago they're really jews have become sort of a boogeyman for ignorance right it's like a real boogeyman yeah yeah it's like the jews gonna get you you know yeah and when i'm bored when i'm trying to like avoid writing or doing something i need to do i just google jews gonna get you you know yeah and when i'm bored when i'm trying to like avoid writing or doing something i need to do i just google jews jews control the media and just jew jews jews plan to take over the world like jewish takeover and then i just read like essay essays by just like some lunatic yeah and it's the funniest stuff you've ever read yeah it's funny yeah yeah but that's it you bring up an interesting point because it's like funny if you're if you've never had any contact with the real. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's a horrifying, brutal, disgusting history. And it's not just history. It's like all over the world now. People actively. Yeah. Which is like it's it's it's not. I think being from New York, like we just don't understand that. Like, to be honest with you, like I don't I've met people.

I don't think I've ever truly met like a real racist who like wants to kill another group of people. Like I've met people who have, you know, my friends from home, they say stupid shit. But like I'm talking about like someone who would arm themselves against another group. I don't know that they can that even exist in New York. That's more like a down south thing. It's more of like a small town thing because those people are so scared of outsiders because they know everyone in the town. That's why we say it's always ironic that the smallest town people are the most paranoid. You know, it's like the government's coming to take our town.

It's like, dude, nobody cares about nobody's thinking about your town. And they think the government's reading their text. It's like no one gives a shit about your text, J.R. The government's definitely bypassing. They don't fucking care. My mom, I thought somebody in my family told me that Amish people were Jews. Like, we used to go to the Amish country. No, because people get Amish people mixed up with Hasidic Jews, with the Kurils.

Right, right. I know a lot about the Amish. Yeah. The Amish people are Quaker. Quaker. Yeah. And they don't take showers, and they believe that if you... That's the most important part.

Oh, my mom told me they don't take showers and they believe that if you – That's the most important part. Oh, my mom told me they don't take showers to stay awake. And then if you take a picture, you can't take pictures of them because they believe camera steals their salt. So take a picture of them. I think that's a myth. Is that true? I bet all of that is, of course, like wild bullshit. Yeah, that's not true. I love that we went from like just wondering how people could be so profoundly ignorant to Chris.

To Chris being ignorant. They don't shower. You can't take pictures. Water fall right into the dumbest statement that he said with full assurance that it was correct. You know what? Amish people, they don't take, they're afraid of water. God told them not to touch water. And you know what?

Cameras, they stick their soul also, you know, they turn into bugs at night. It is what it is. It's what it is. They make shoe fly pies and they ride around with a horse and buggy. My mom always... Did you know that Chris was wildly German? Did you know that?

I didn't know that until I did my... Did you find out you're in your like 23andMe or whatever? Yeah, I did Ancestry.com. Found that I'm like 70, 80% German. So mostly German, I had no idea. And actually where I grew up in Ridgewood, it's like a historic historic german neighborhood so much to the fact like german immigrants started coming in the late 1800s so like there was a time here in rachel's eyes right now she's learning your german no there was a time in my life when like i was a little kid when like people from world war ii were still

like alive and like or world war one even were like they were nazi supporters in my neighborhood like they were you know the nazis. The Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in 1930. I mean, you can say what you want about Hitler, but the kid would definitely... Sold tickets! Sold tickets. He would want to be... Nazi, Landung, Sie, Nolla. Let me tell you something right now, if I'm just being honest. If Adolf wasn't alive today, Berkowitz

would sign him. Wei Song Xie. Because the kid was a headliner. Kid was a headliner. But so so it was interesting to me to find out i was german it was like a weird that's how crazy that nationality is like when i found out i was german i was like oh i felt like weird about it do you think there was like somebody yeah you're yeah it's it's a strange thing it's like i can't believe potential ancestors of mine did that it's also your identity too it's like like i think of myself as you know like a fun-loving swarthy

mediterranean and if i heard differently like it think of myself as, you know, like a fun-loving, swarthy Mediterranean. And if I heard differently, like it shakes things up about how you see yourself. But yeah, your ancestors did some pretty naughty things, Christian. Naughty things. You guys got a little out of hand. A little out of pocket. I love that you were telling me stories yesterday about how your dad jokes about Hitler. He's like, oh, I'm playing Hitler's band.

It's so funny. I feel like that's part of why I'm a comedian, because father would say the most insane unacceptable ludicrous things all the time so I never learned your dad started a political speech at your wedding and it was hilarious it was so fucking funny your wedding was one of my favorites just because of how different the sides of the rooms were

and it was on Staten Island it was on Staten Island you had one side that was firefighters and firefighters' families. And the other side, you had the wild fucking liberal comedians. The other side, you had Sherrod Smalls with a yarmulke on. I know. That was crazy. The things that were said in the toast, I was like, I could not make eye contact with his parents.

Like, when Amy was like, so when Rachel first met Pete, we just thought he was going to, like, finger or something. We're like, all right, this fireman will finger fuck her or something. I was like, I couldn't manage what the things people were saying. Yeah. Then what did Amy say? She would give herself AIDS to look to have your body or something like that? She said. It was something.

Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. She said, if I had your body, I would have full-blown AIDS. I think she said something like, I'd be sizzling. Yeah, it was funny. Which I appreciated. Yeah, no. That was a kindly compliment.

You're a nice pod. But yeah, I'll take anything. I compliment. no matter how offensive it is i'll take it like i was like on the treadmill and these guys at the crunch were like yes yes like i just heard them say that to each other and i was like oh you know what is what we say they were just tipping off like to look at my ass oh two 23 year old morons at crunch and i felt like oh like maybe not you know yeah yeah it changed my day a little yeah pete's a lucky guy fucking firefighter pete because how fucking great is he pete pete let me tell you something okay i'm a kid who picks up on energy immediately yeah you know that yeah i'm i'm immediate with energy yeah i i like you i don't like you on energy right

because everything's energy absolutely pete is a good fucking kid pete's a good kid energy is 100 good and he likes to smoke a stick so he's a man and he likes jew girls yeah it's great he when we were in ireland together because sometimes it's hard like you know if a comic brings like a spouse yeah you're a german kid well you're just like you're just is this person going to be a rough hang? Pete, I would like look forward to hanging out with Pete. Even Colin Quinn, who's as cynical as they come, been in the game 35 years, was like, I like Pete. I really do like Pete.

And then he started saying things like, I wish Pete did comedy and not Rachel. He's like, I'd rather be with Pete all day. It was really sweet that we we went to colin's show and colin invited me and pete and then we show up and i'm like he had to he had to be at the firehouse that night and he couldn't switch and so i go to the show and i see colin notices everything and i see him look over really quickly and then i'm like he wouldn't notice like pete wasn't in the like i'm like seinfeld is there like it was like opening night you know and then as soon as the show is done he texts me like Pete is dead to me

where the hell was he tonight he's just like the greatest guy and he's one of those great guys because he's a firefighter I know his world Giannis I know his world very well he can understand both our worlds he can understand the world that we come from

from home but then he can also understand our comedy world which is an interesting... Not too many people are like that. They're either in one world or the other. He's in both. He's such a nice guy with good energy because I could tell... Look, what I've learned recently is Pete and that

world, those are normal people. Pete's a normal guy. Those are normal, good people. Yeah. Right here, you're looking at wild... We need to be in mental... If there was not comedy, we'd be in mental... pizza normal those are normal good people yeah right here you're looking at like wild miss like we need to be in mental institute if there was not comedy we'd be in mental institution at best yeah i mean i was telling this to rachel like what would sam morel be doing if he wasn't doing comedy he's staring at a wall reciting nicks facts i know what he's doing right now is not much healthier just texting me every five minutes it's just like he's like god i feel so depressed

i have so much anger at my dad you're gonna love this 90s nicks clip and every five minutes. It's just like, he's like, God, I feel so depressed. I have so much anger at my dad. You're going to love this 90s Knicks clip. And then he's like, it's just always like some angry rant about an ex. He's like, do you think she'll ever really get it? You know? And the next text is just like, oh, classic Patrick Ewing right here.

It's not normal. You've never even communicated to him that you like basketball. No, he sends me, and he sends stuff to share with pete that is so obscure and pete played basketball and he's like yeah i don't really i've got to pass that era of nicks but also jews love the nba like in a way that nobody does especially the brothers are the same way and the nicks yeah jews are obsessed with the nba it's everything that they wanted to be and weren't encouraged to be in and pete's such a great guy because he's very vulnerable. Like, I find myself similar to him in so many ways in the sense that he's like a tough guy from a tough Brooklyn neighborhood.

But the things about him, like he writes a blog about broccoli that he just couldn't be open with. He just couldn't be open. He's got another side to him that he can't tell the boys at the firehouse about. He couldn't be open about that. Can I read you my last poem? Here it is. I wrote it when I was with Rachel and we were in Ireland at the festival. Here we go, guys.

You ready? Gather around. Here it is. Ireland hills are very, very green. And the weather makes me feel serene. Yeah. You guys with me? Yeah.

Have you met Rachel? Yeah. She's my Jewish jewish comedian girlfriend yeah that all i'm saying is that he's with her and that like i just saw him at the wedding he just has a tolerance and a patience for our foolishness yes he's a nice kid genuine kick out of it but i also feel like fireman the one thing is like he loves his job so he's like us like we think there's nothing more interesting than, no one more interesting than us. And we believe we're saving people's lives.

Like, yeah, we're obviously the answer. We're making a difference, yeah. We always go down in the history books. People remember us, yeah. Yeah, but I do feel like most guys I've been with, at least for a female comic, I mean, it's very hard to find somebody that accepts your life and deranged schedule and all that. Who's not going to be jealous

about you being with a man at 2 a.m. Getting, you know, driving home from a road gig to get whatever. Give a flying fuck. Like, yeah, he trusts you.

Call it like 4 a.m. Like after a hookup, like really wanting to talk to him. He's like, do you think this is weird that after I fingered her, she said that like, you know, and he just laughs like he just gets such a kick out of,

uh, he's got a, he's a great laugher. Can imagine Sam on the phone with you with his wet fingers from eating a chicken wing I can just picture him on the phone he does that stare

you know that stare he does like Peter or Sam no Sam yeah he just looks at you like Ted Bundy yeah like where his brain is like recalibrating

his autism is getting back in order I mean what would Joe Mackey be doing without comedy be sniffing girl seats on the subway. That's just what it is. It is true.

It's both like a savior for severely mentally ill people, and also it's a way for people not to address everything that they've avoided their entire lives. They found a place where this is all okay, and it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be. It's not. It's not.

We're funny, and that's what it is. We give people relief because we go up and they laugh at us because we're fucking a mess. And it's a beautiful thing. And we do do a good thing. But let's be honest. Your husband, now your husband, I think he's probably a fan of this podcast because this is his humor.

We're fucking New York kids. Oh, yeah. He loves it. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking Pete. I love that he loves it. This is probably his favorite shit because he listens to all Rachel's

other friends, and they're sitting up going like, down with the fucking patriarchy! Okay? Hashtag resist! Girls, hit the street! All hands on deck! And he's going, you know what? I want to hear Chris call someone a fucking two! Yeah, I want to hear Chris say he wants to hurt Chinese people!

Wei Shanxian, you fuck! This is what it is. Yeah, that's to hear Chris say he wants to hurt Chinese people. Wei Zhongxian. Can you fucking fucking. This is the now that's what this is. Yeah, that's what it is. Can we also get a Wei Zhongxian to wash away. Thank you. He just says he wants to do a hate crime to a whole group of people. Just kidding.

I was just. Thank you. Just joking. I played him that also that Chris Mullen thing. Oh, yeah. But everybody said like my brother said that to me. So you see Jewish guys will find NBA, like anything that's basketball related. Like, how did he find that?

He doesn't even listen to podcasts, you know, but my brother found that. He found it on his show? It got shared. Yeah, it got shared a lot. No, it got shared to him without us? Yeah, he sent it to me. He's like, you got to watch this. And I'm like, please get off my dick.

Both of them were at the wedding. You have your chance. Yeah, your brother's awesome. Yeah. you know what was funny was seeing your mom uh i'm sure it was we all felt the same way everyone in that room seeing your mom after hearing you do her for so long oh my god i mean like i was looking at i was like i wanted her to talk so i wanted to grab the mic and be like hey kids you know i was was alive in San Francisco in the 60s. You think this is a swinging party? I sucked a black guy's dick at 42.

You know, I was just hoping something. My mom majored in African history with a minor in black studies. And she at first was a major in black studies with a minor in African history. But this is a story she tells proudly. She goes, but then a marvelous man named Jabari took me aside and he said that it wasn't my story to tell. And that shouldn't be my major. And that wasn't fair or right. And I should honor the black story more properly by majoring in African history.

So I said, thank you, Jabari. And I changed my major. Just some dude came up to her and said something but he changed the whole course of what she was doing everything yeah and then she switched her major and her minor and now she tells that story is like this i'm like maybe jabari was just like a rogue dick just lashing out you know yeah it was just pissed off now chris you're not familiar right like so i'm very familiar with the liberal the liberal jew the liberal Jew. The liberal Maryland Jew. Well, like it's New York, Manhattan, Upper West Side.

My girlfriend's 60 years. Liberal, you know. Right. But like, so we had Ari was our last guest. Ari came. He's another Maryland Jew. Ari? Now, let me just say.

He was Orthodox and now he's atheist. So he comes from religion. You come from guilt. Yes. We come from guilt. But I will say this. My mom converted to Judaism. So she's not really a typical Jewish mom.

She's like, but in my family is not, I know the, they're not the far left socialists. Like they weren't like the Bernie Jews. Right. Woody Allen, Upper West Side. My family's more of the, yeah, they're like, you know, they don't like PC, obviously. My dad always tells people that he would play Hitler's wedding if the price is right. My mom and him have had several arguments. He said, did he ever say that in a place?

Yes, they say he said it like a Hanukkah party there. And my mom was furious at him. She wouldn't talk to him on the way home. And then they were driving someplace else to some sort of like conservative Jewish event in Bethesda. And then they were driving someplace else to some sort of like conservative Jewish event in Bethesda. And my mom's like, you say any damn things about Hitler tonight and you're not riding back in this caravan. And he goes, I may or may not make a Holly joke. It's anyone's guess. He kept acting like it was beyond his own knowledge.

Holly joke. He used to walk into the kitchen and be like and he was a civil rights leader he put a leader like he process not leader so that's prosecute that's the liberal tradition that's that he comes from the civil rights that's where i think that liberal but he comes from not the super like um left but i mean like he's like a joe biden liberal you know what i mean like he says crazy shit but a lot of the jews from the 60s were in the civil rights movement. I think that's kind of where that started, where that kind of like, you know, that left Jew kind of started. Yes, definitely.

And then I think like for my dad in America, you know, he would walk into the kitchen and he would be like, you know, it reeks of Jews in here. You guys are going to have to do something. And he's like, I'm going to walk out when I get back in here. He would just say insane shit all the time. He was also in a band, a crazy band. Called the Vomitones. Yeah. He thinks throwing up is really funny.

That's what he was saying to me when we were walking down the aisle. He was like, how hilarious would it be if we both puked right now at the same time? And I'm like, I thought he was going to say maybe a gentle, fatherly. He can't. He can't speak about emotions. He can't say, like, I love you or, you know what I mean, i mean anything he makes jokes but that's where you get it from that's where you probably got you when pete went to ask him permission he said something about um how like he would trade me for a goat or something so you could have her for like one of our older goats

now what he used to he used to moon the audience yeah Yeah, the Vomitones would moon after shows. Oh, good. And they still do. They have a tour, they call it, which consists of just two dive bars in Michigan where him and his friend Cheech and W meet up. And they moon after the show. They play Blue Moon and they all moon the audience. And the fans love it. The fans, if you mean like four local drugs in michigan gonna kick out of my father's sweaty

ass i suppose so is your mother furious when he does she's horrified because he did it at our school on multicultural night he first of all he said he was representing ghana or something because he thought it was funny he was just like jews from bethesda and his band and then and then they all the vomitones came. They played. They had their tour T-shirts, which is called the Hands Across Uranus Tour. They all mooned. Yeah, it was like the adult,

like some sort of multicultural adult night for elementary school. And they mooned everybody. They mooned everyone. Your dad's a gem. He is the best. His speech, when he started that, it was just, I loved every moment

of what was going on at that wedding. Is he the lead singer of the Vomitones? Your dad? No, he's not the lead singer. He's the harmonica player. Oh, he plays the harmonica. Oh, guitar too. He's an incredible musician. He plays piano, harmonica, guitar, everything by ear. Incredible blues musician. Plays zydeco, accordion, anything. He just picks it up and plays it. So he's like

a weird musical genius, but he doesn't know how to speak in public. Do you guys like history at all, history or nature or anything? He's read every single book. He's one of those Jews. He skipped three grades at school, law school. He was like breezed through law school. My mom said he would just lay on the beach, and he used to spray his clothes with deodorant.

He needed a wife immediately. He didn't know how to wash his – he knew nothing. Is he Ashkenazi? Yeah, he's Ashkenazi. Ashkenazi, well, they did a study, and it's like they just have, on average, they have a higher IQ. Their group has the highest IQ. That's what they found. Wow.

Yeah. So he likes history. He loves history, and he knows everything. Like, if he came on here, it would be fun to bring him one day if he ever comes to New York. But he knows everything. Like, he's read about the weirdest things. Because he reads about three books a week. Three books a week? He reads everything. He's read about the weirdest things. He reads about three books a week. Three books a week?

He reads constantly. He's, I think, probably Asperger's. Right. And he's just, yeah, reads anything. Just got a strong brain. So he doesn't watch TV or movies or anything like that. He watches movies. He reads, maybe it's more like two books a week.

But I mean, I never see him not reading. He moved to our town because of the used bookstores, book and record stores. He just believes you don't ever have to buy anything ever. There's no need. Really? Yeah. So like he won't purchase anything. He had a Walkman for like until like the 2000s.

We just had to crash it. We just had to break it. He just thinks you just get everything used and there's no sense and like these pigs these days want to buy themselves all sorts of things. Yeah. Yeah. Frugal. He's frugal. Yeah.

And it would be stressful when I was a kid because I'm like, dad, I have to go to the birthday party. He's like, there's nothing you can't get for $7.50. That was his favorite expression. I'm like, there's a lot you can't get for $7.50. And if we wanted a new toy, we had to go to a store called Toy Traders where we had to take one of our old toys. It was like the Sophie's Choice of toys and kind of figure out which one we had to let

go of. And I'd be weeping and kissing my old toy goodbye. And then we'd have to choose a new toy from Toy Traders. It was sick. Yeah. So you grew up, the history of you is, you ever hear the story about how Rachel came to New York? No.

It's a great story. Oh, wait, yes. I think I, yeah. Tell it though. Yeah. It's a great story. And I like the stalker story too. Yeah.

Well, I just like how your parents... Your parents were very open. They're very open. Accepting. So they just let you go. A little too much. A little too much, yeah.

So tell the story of how you came to New York originally. I was dating this guy in a band called Dick Sister. The band name was Dick Sister. Dick Sister. I was... First i was first of all like it sounds like a classical music band no yeah oh yeah he would jump around with a bone on stage yeah he had a big like raw bone of real pop music yeah just like bieber taylor swift real real potential real potential to make the big time so i was like

i'm gonna move to new york with dick sister now they'd already let go i mean they had no no faith in or no hope in so many ways with me at this point like i had just been wildly failing everything i remember them arguing about me my dad just being like i remember being like eight years old and like i'm telling you she's slow yeah exactly my dad goes she's not normal i was in the hallway just hearing this like shaking and weeping she's just not normal but they were just like what in the fuck can we do with this girl she's just a real shit heap right she's bringing nothing to the table right yeah i mean just d's f's you know like i went to summer school every year i had like a summer

school dance because i knew i was going like people knew my dance like you do the dances you know i was just an idiot so i meet dick sister i'm like mom i'm going to new york with dick sister and my mom just loved any story didn't notice any red flags she's like that sounds marvelous you know strong women rock or something with no question they just let you go and he was an older kid yes he was like five years older than me i mean which back then he was statutory yes because let's just do the math you were at that time what i was 17 when i moved with him but we'd been together for a few years like he used to throw rocks at my window and stuff when I was in high school. Oh, my God.

And then I would come out and see him at night. Yeah, but wait. Wait a second. So you've been together a few years. You were 17 at the time when you left to go to New York City. Your parents let you leave to go to New York City at 17. Still a minor. With Dick's sister.

With the whole band. With the whole band you went. And so if he was five years older, he was 22. Yeah. And you were 17. Yeah yeah your parents are way open-minded they're more open-minded than the law it was we're definitely uncovering a crime yeah yeah we're definitely we're we're retracing it now retroactively we're saying hey that was illegal and my mom was just i remember she was standing in the front like step of no questions, just wearing some sort of native robe, just like, yo, get them just outside in a dashiki, just like rock on. That's my independent strong lady hitting New York by the storm. Yeah, it was alarming. I'm so confused. Like my friend, I thought about that recently. I was talking to my brother. I'm like, why the hell did mom and dad let me do that? And he said that he was like begging the band to not take me. He was like, don't take my sister.

Like my parents don't understand. Something's deeply wrong. Like don't steal my sister. She's too young to be stolen. He's like, no, I'm taking her. And what was he at dreads and everything? He was kind of. And then he dumped me pretty soon after I got to.

Was he like a heavy metal kid? He was like a heavy metal kid he was like a heavy metal drugs yeah no um a little blow yeah yeah no like needles no i think he just like yeah he did blow now and again um and then it's fine and he uh but to me he was like i just thought dick sister was the coolest thing in the entire world he dumped me kind of undumped me and kept re-dumping me. I just kept taking my dump and going, well, can I go back? It was so sad. You were just in New York City. When he dumped you, where would you go in New York City? I would wander around.

I mean, I spent so many like lonely, like years in the city just wanting a friend. I remember going into like restaurants and sitting at the bar just like, and then if a waiter was nice to me, like trying to kind of play it cool. But like, you know, just like trying to say some funny things and then then hoping he'd want to be friends with me or ask me out or something. Just weird, dark, wandering, deranged hours of wild loneliness. I'd go to the makeup counter and get my makeup done and try to be funny so the girl would want to be my friend. I tried too hard. I just wanted it a little too bad.

You know what's interesting to me, though? When I look at – because I've seen your your brothers i know all about your brothers through you you've told me your parents kind of did the thing that was appropriate with all you kids turned out great all their kids turned out great yeah so it's like with you they just kind of knew like she's just built different so just go and then now everything great. You turn out to be a wildly successful comedian. You got a fireman husband. Yeah. Fucking Jack.

Who's fucking Jack. Would you sit in his lap? A hundred percent. I'm not, I'm going to be fucking crystal clear right now. Crystal clear with the people. Even though Rachel's a hot fucking piece. Yeah. If I had a shot at either one of them, I'm going for Pete's butt first.

Cause I know that's a joke But seriously It's fucking He's a handsome kid You do want to smell His breath and his hair I remember I remember

I remember He loves sitting in guys' laps No question I remember I did a fucking thing That girls do We were in Ireland Dublin, Ireland

I was at It was me and Colin Quinn Colin Quinn and Rachel and Pete Were in the same hotel I was in another hotel I met Colin And we were like Oh We, we got to go. We were going to go meet with Rachel or something like that.

And something was delayed or whatever. And I just wanted to see Pete. So I just made believe that I needed hair gel because I knew Pete would have it. I never knew you made that up. Yeah, so me and Colin took the elevator up and I fucking got the hair gel from Pete. Pete gave me his hair gel and he came to just a, no shirt on and a bed sheet. But Rachel stayed back because, you know, she was in bed still. And he came with a fucking bed sheet, and I got a fucking chub.

You got a creeper? I got a little bit of creeper. And then me and Colin, the whole elevator ride down, talked about how Jack Pete was. And he goes, fucking Jack, fucking Jack. And Pete's like, you fucking Jack, let go of that fucking shirt, fucking Jack, fucking Jack, fucking Jack, fucking Jack, fucking Jack. Listen, because that story made me uncomfortable.

I made up a ploy to fucking see Pete. I remember Pete was so confused. He's like, why wouldn't he just get hair gel? I'm like,

I don't know. And then they both knocked on the door together like, you got any gel? He's a dude, moron. Rachel,

we're going to bring it up to you. Here's the deal with Chris. He's openly admitted it on the podcast So this is the deal He likes banging women he's 100% straight I know that and I know what he's saying is true Cause he's a straight kid he likes banging chicks

He's basically a set His own one man sanitation department for puss He cleans it up That I know his numbers are don't lie Always with condoms though so It's different. Absolutely a lie. We're just lying now and now there's girls here.

He's just trying to set up something for later. Yeah, because I know she's listening. I'm definitely going raw dog tonight. But Chris, and the fans know this very well, so I'm bringing up something that's brought up. It's redundant, but it's new to you. He's romantically into guys. Yeah.

So he says he likes to bang women, but he falls in love with men. Like, I could sit and talk to Pete. Like, I could sit and talk to Pete for three hours about whatever blog topic he wants to talk about, you know, whatever. Would you listen to my poem? Yeah, I would listen to his poem. Like, you know, he wants to talk to me about, like, nautical knots and shit. I'll listen to Pete all day for that. And that, listening to Pete and hanging out with Pete, would get me horned up to bang a chick.

Okay, now you're making it weirder and weirder every time you describe it. Because now it's getting gayer, cuz. Is it not? It's horning you up. It's horning you up. No, not horned up. Before, you've said you get lost in his eyes. You smell his hair.

You like the breath of men. You want to sit in their laps. And now you're graduating to getting horned up. My baby mom is pregnant. Wild. You're just a fucking hyena. It's what it is. No.

Have you, do you feel like you want, would you want, and that'd be totally cool with this. Would you want Pete to like hold you? No, but I, I wouldn't hold it. He said he wants to hold my hand a few times. He told me he wanted to grab my hand. But if you thrust me, if Pete was sitting on this couch and you pushed me and I landed on his lap, I would wait for him to push me off.

Is that wild gay? Chrissy Sammons. Chrissy fucking chaos. Chrissy chaos You like the Joker but good But you wouldn't like want to make out with him No never and never Get anything sexual with him

But if he was like hey me and you bro let's go on vacation I'd do it I want to go on vacation with Pete He loves the company of men Pete's a good man But you have told me you wanted to hold my hand a few times Yeah I want to gay bash you. Can you Wei Zhang Xing that?

Just Wei Zhang Xing. Yeah. I've noticed that you do kiss guys a lot, too. I've noticed that. And what's that? Like where? Just like a quick kiss. Is that ironic or is that something that you just enjoy doing?

I mean, maybe you're maybe you're fluent, man. No, I don't even know what fluid means. No, I'm not even fluent, but I do kiss. I do. Yeah, it's weird. I hug guys. Am I using that right? i'm talking about yeah i talk about sex a lot yeah but just flexible but i think going to an all-boy catholic high school i think it really has something to do with going to an all-boy catholic high school where like we were just it was so many guys that like you just the only way to prove you were straight is to act gay like look at each other's dicks you know

fucking hug me homo like that yeah fireman did that the first night that he introduced me to all the other guys firemen they were chasing him around the bar trying to kiss him and he was running from them hiding i was like i've never seen anything like it yeah yeah so it's like trying to kiss him all night and i was comforted that he wasn't trying to kiss them and they're like well we always do it to petey you know and and he was just kind of used to racing around and running from it. I get exactly, I identify 100% with that fraternity that what happened. It's like we were saying,

like, when something gets so extreme of anything, it comes back to be the opposite. So it's like extreme masculine behavior becomes... Well, like, I remember, I remember, like, the guy... Because that's extremely masculine. In basketball, in basketball practice, like, number one, if you came into the showers with a bathing suit short on and, like, didn't show us your dick, we'd be like, come on, stop being gay, let's show us your dick.

And then, like, everybody who was naked, like, we would fucking throw soap at each other's butts, pull cocks, like, do all that. But it wasn't – nobody's openly gay. We're all just – we all have wives and kids and nobody talks about that time. But that's just what we used to do as teenagers. It's weird. I think it's actually hyper-masculine behavior, which is what the irony is, but that's what that is. That's what that is, yeah. You bully kind of the weak kids.

So me wanting to get lost in Pete's eyes and smell his breath and just kind of like take a nap on his pecs is not gay. It's hyper-masculine. No. Because I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to kiss him. I don't want him to touch my dog. You're not pulling anyone's pecker fucking throwing soap at someone's dick you're reading poetry to each other while you sit in his lap so there's a

difference yeah i do feel like a lot of guys get like that with him you know and he's just a great guy and uh yeah like they had they get like a man crush on him and also but also when i started dating him like the first time we hooked up see me, like I wouldn't have wanted that kind of body because like it's just like I feel like where do I come into this? You've got everything you need here. Like, I just I want my body to be the treat. Like, I want to bring like the exciting stuff to the hookup. I was just like when he took his clothes off, like this is ludicrous. Like, I don't even know what to, you know.

Yeah. And it's like I wanted to be above being aroused by that. Like, I wanted to be like, you know you know you know i just it was kind of like it must feel like when a guy just sees a girl that's like a little yeah i wanted him to have like i don't know like some imperfection something yeah which of course he does but i wanted him to have just like something yeah some sort of severe gnarlement you know right but when he takes up the shirt he really brings it it's just it's just hard. He brings it. Yeah, but for me, like, it's like. Does he got this thing right here?

Does he got the D'Angelo cut? Yeah. Oh, wow. But I never stand house bodies like that because I go to the gym with him and I'm like, what is the other thing you're doing? Because he doesn't talk about working out. Right. So, which is nice because that would be.

He eats very healthy, right? I mean, he cooks for himself. I mean, he eats a lot. He eats healthy, but he eats everything. Like, he eats all my food when I'm done with it. Like, everything anyone doesn't want, he wants to eat, too. You know? Well, it's healthy but he's everything like he'll eat all my food when i'm done with it like everything anyone doesn't want he wants to eat too you know well it's protein he gets he's a big guy i guess he lives at the firehouse or whatever but he doesn't really explain it like i'm like what how did that happen exactly but uh if i do i definitely felt like

insecure at first because i'm like i want to bring like the exciting thing like it's weird to be with a guy like yannis texted me at the weddings like it could take my eyes off feet and you were not the first person to say that it's not what you imagined everybody's saying yeah like the bride so beautiful and i'm like i just wanted to fucking get in pete's hands everybody was saying that though like they couldn't take their eyes off him but so it was it is like a weird thing but then i just try to be like what i've told myself at any time in my life i'm like oh but you're the you're the, but you know, I'm the clown. So yeah, he's no clown. Well, no, you got that.

You do got that. No, 100%. I love, I love Pete. Like, don't get me wrong. Like everything I'm saying, I don't take anything back. But like after a little bit, I beck, all right, Pete, I don't want to talk to you more. Now I want to just talk to Rachel. I want to fucking laugh.

I don't want to hear about broccoli anymore. He's like, wait, no, wait a second. I got one more poem for you. Yeah. Yeah. After that, I don't want to hear him say gotcha or fucking toodles or whatever dumb word that he wants to use. Jeepers. I don't want to hear it after an hour.

He's like, I bet you and Pete got a lot in common because you grew up in hyper masculine environments. But you guys had thoughts about curiosities, which you both probably questioned. Does that make me gay? But really, it just makes you a normal person. Yeah, he would group around repressed dickheads. Like he likes like plants and growing things and like kombucha and they would all probably just be like, yeah, just some homophobic moron. Yeah, you were telling me he like grows his own

yeast or kombucha. Yeah, he grows his own like yogurt and kombucha and he likes to like water his plants. He's very into like cooking and doing things around the home and I'm sure all of his buddies growing up would just be like, what's wrong? You're gay? Just some homophobic moron. Stick the hose in your ass. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Because you're not a gay kid.

I'm positive at this point you're not a gay kid. We agree to disagree. I will say though, with you and Colin when we were in Ireland, I always felt like I was interrupting your romantic evenings. And I did feel like they had a lot of plans that I wasn't invited to.

They had their time. It was definitely like being with a date. You told me about that. I'll tell you what it was. He told me. Because at that point, it was like he hadn't he was a little boy. You're talking about Chris and Colin, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they said she's a comedian, but the Jew thing. In Ireland. Yeah, well, the food

they didn't bring you to the meals because he has trouble eating around. Yeah, Colin kept saying. Yeah, he can hang out with you normal, like around the clubs, but when food comes out, he gets a little nauseous. Colin just kept saying that he wishes Pete wasn't there so he could punch Rachel. He's like, I just wish I could fight Rachel, but fucking Pete's here. He's too big. He's just got a great energy. I'm so happy for you

that you found such a great guy. Seriously. Yeah. Truly. It's really important to have balance like that when we're comedians. Well, you found it in Britney.

And that's where I learned it. That's where I kind of figured, that's where I started looking at me because I always look for problems in other people and then I realized, oh, I was like,

oh, I'm fucked up. I'm abnormal. Right. So like normal things seem abnormal to me but like i'm abnormal and i need to be in a normal setting because otherwise i'm just gonna spiral you yeah you ground yeah could you imagine that being married or dating another comedian it would seem like i did it much it's like it's too i mean some relationships do work a few of them do some work even to me just imagining like a guy's like headshots next to his bed like oh just a man with like a stack of photos of himself or like asking you which you they think you prefer like which is better angle for the oh shut up yeah or just like trying to be funny for other people. Now that seems weird to me.

Right. You know? And it's like, yeah. I realize that. It's like, look, if I want to laugh or have a great time, me and Brittany have a great time. You know? But it's like, yeah, she's not funny. She's not a funny person.

And she's the. She's not funny. Like she's the one. And she's the discipline in your life. Like she's saying you got to mail back these fucking. She does. Wedding invitations. I know it's stupid, but you have to do it.

Or she says you have to remind, you have to fucking remember your friend's birthdays. Yeah. We just never fight. It's just kind of like our relationship goes like this. Whereas all my other relationships went like this. Yeah. So it's like, this is just, and it's been five years of just this. Yeah.

So it's like nice and easy and calm. Yeah. Well, the only time I ever started getting mad at you is when we were filming Bay Ridge Boys episode and she was cooking in the kitchen and you from your bedroom in front of everyone was like, what kind of trash are you cooking? Yeah, she got fucking pissed. And she was like, Giannis, come here. Yeah, she got fucking pissed. So hot.

Yeah. She got pissed. In front of, because I said it, she's Sicilian. Yeah, she was fucking Sicilian. So she gets, yeah, like in front of people, she's like, I said something about her food in front of people. So she didn't like that. She got mad. That's kind of hot. That's kind of hot. But that's the difference right there between of people. She's like, I said something about her food in front of people. So she didn't like that. That's kind of hot.

That's kind of hot. But that's the difference right there between normal people. If I was a comedian, they'd be like, fuck you, I'm cooking shit, you know. Just trying to out funny you.

Yeah, but then like, I mean, how much can you do that before? Like, imagine like comedian, being in a relationship with a comedian,

imagine like never leaving. No. Like it's, we'd go mentally insane if we're just sitting there laughing all day and be like, fuck me, put it in my ass, Hitler, we'd go mentally insane if we're just sitting there laughing all day. I'd be like, fuck me. Put it in my ass.

Hitler, Hitler. Ha ha ha. You're going like, we're all going to go insane. Yeah, we're going to lose it. You have to go back to like some sort of normalcy at some point. No, no, you do. And he like, he's a little bit ridiculous because, you know, he's around fire, which is not healthy for men to be around just each other in these lone sleepovers for so much.

Yeah. Does he have any women in his firehouse? I've met two women. Are they big lesbos? No, they weren't lesbos. They were pretty cool. But I think one of them, I don't remember if she was gay or not. But yeah, it's not a healthy thing that they are just alone with each other for this many nights.

You have to undo a lot. I'm sorry, what did Vinny Capizzi say to you? No, that's not true yeah so um yeah they're just passing around conspiracy theories and you know but but i but they also like it's just like they work off adrenaline like we do sure of course so it's just like nothing really surprises him like he's not going to freak out of anything but he gets the shit done like if he i can't mail a letter like that's not gonna happen he'll mail something he knows how to do the stuff that everything he knows how to be grown up and do you have the firefighter you don't drive right

no if you had a car it'd be great to be a firefighter's wife and just have a nice fucking plaque you're parked by fire hydrants i do we do have that plaque you know and the reason i don't drive is because he has the car and he has a stick i don't know how to drive stick do you guys know how to drive stick no i don't, I'm not a real man like pizza Comics go like I feel like yeah, you guys are actual. Yeah, I guess we're men. Yeah compared to stuff Yeah compared. Yeah. Yeah compared to some fucking Phil Hanley. Yeah, you know like you guys you guys grew up like doing like What were these stereotypical man thing? Attire you can handle stuff. Yeah, we crushed push before we got into comedy You guys grew up doing what would be stereotypical man things. You could change a tire.

You could handle stuff. Yeah, the crush push. We crushed push before we got into comedy, which is a rarity amongst comics. Giannis fucking, oh my God, he sent me a video yesterday for the first time he ever did stand-up. We got to fucking put that up for the Patreon. I was jacked. Go to patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. He had a turtleneck tucked into khakis.

Not cool. Just his mom was there. Yeah. Hair fucking flowing in the wind. Giannis would just post these pictures of this would infuriate me. Yeah. A bunch of cigars like on a bed or something like he'd make some sort of collage in his dumb hotel bed. It would make me so angry.

And it fascinates me because you go back and forth between that and then just giving society briefings on itself. So one is just like, you know, dude, this is the best kind of steak you're ever going to fucking touch. And the next is like, wake up, everybody. We're pretty divided in this country. All right. No shit. No shit. Yeah.

I'm fucking mentally ill. Try being like his closest friend. I'm not well. Be his closest friend. It's like 7 o'clock in the morning. My daughter woke me up an hour ago. I'm fucking exhausted. And then I have like five missed calls from him.

I look at his Twitter. And it's like, the wheels of history are greased with violence. And I'm like, oh, God. Chris is in for a long day. I'm like, oh, God. I'm in for a fucking long day. That's my nickname on here is Yanni Long Days. Yanni Long Days.

I just look at his social media every morning. And if it's like 3, 4 o'clock in the morning, he's like, fucking deep. We are divided posts. I'm like, my life is going to suck today. You're going, I'm in for a fucking day. Giannis thinks he's a fucking duke. That's what his problem is. He thinks he's like one of the—because you're really into a certain idea of gentlemen.

You know what I mean? Yeah. He's like a duke, because I think—and I have no information to support this. But you're probably right. You're probably right. Or formal education of any sorts. But I imagine that the Duke would have to do stuff like that. Like, you give society its briefings.

Edicts. But you always like, you know, you like a shined shoe. Giannis likes his idea of class and stuff, you know? Yeah. So he does live like a Duke. He has certain ideas of like, yeah, you got to be a gentleman. You got to handle stuff in a certain fucking way. Like, Giannis will pick up the tab like a Duke.

A Duke would pick up a fucking tab. You know know but then he's like i gotta report to me society needs me to explain me yeah but a duke would notice like when we were in montreal like he noticed how horrible the women's foot fashion was like he was like oh look at the women's shoes in this town they disgust me yeah and it's like she's right that's a duke it's like i'm an ego maniac so i'm looking down and going like, we need to fix this. It doesn't please me. Yeah. And that's where For Rome comes.

And it's about appearances. You would be in some sort of royal setting, but you would be definitely like the trash of the family at the same time. Exactly. Yeah. Like he shits on, like he'll shit on, he'll shit on like, you know, the foot fashion, the women's shoes in Montreal. But meanwhile, he's wearing like a dirty Expos hat and he hasn't cleaned his ass in a week.

The ass isn't clean, but that Expos hat was new at that time. It was new at the time. And you came in fucking Montreal with a pair of Levi's sneakers. And I still don't forgive you for that. Yeah, I fucking. You were moving around with offensive sneakers. Sneakers were brutal. They were wardrobe sneakers that were given to you by MTV and you brought them in a bag to to wear them at night it's what it is i mean that is a ridgewood thing i mean

i mean you're both deep trash but yes we're deep cut trash but i know that i'm trash yeah but yannis would be the guy that like it's like he's trash but yet at the same time it i feel like in the olden days if like you heard a report about something that came to the duke they're like we've had this sort of issue and i feel like if there was an issue, if like you heard a report about something that came to the Duke, they're like, we've had this sort of issue. And I feel like if there was an issue of like, you know, so and so do whatever. Edward showed up to the saloon without a dinner jacket. You'd be like, without a fucking dinner jacket. You would take Edward by his fucking ears and you would throw him in the streets and you'd be like, whip him.

Whip him. Whip him. How dare he show up without a dinner jacket. I have that in me. You're right. You would have absolutely no tolerance for any men showing up without their jackets because it's a show. Yeah. Put on the proper fucking show.

You show some goddamn respect. My rules would be contradictory and confusing. Yeah. People would not know what to do. Be like, he gets mad if you don't have a dinner jacket on, but you're allowed to do all sorts of other wild things. Yeah. So it just doesn't make sense because the kid is fucking stupid.

And you're also kind of gallant like a Duke because like, I remember when we were writing on that pilot and Giannis, the guys would just say like, every sketch would be like so horrifying, just like such a stab at myself. It seemed like, all right, okay.

So you're like, you just got divorced and you're living in Tampa and you gained a lot of weight. Right. And this other guy's thinking about fucking you, but he changes his mind. I'm like, what's the even point of this sketch? Every sketch would be like more humiliating than the last, you know? And then Yas would always be at the end of the day like, how are you feeling?

How are you doing? So you have that little gallant thing where you check in, you're pretty sensitive, you're the guy that you believe there's an etiquette to a fucking evening, and you follow certain rules. And between those rules, you could be a deep, deep disgrace on profound and shocking levels. But there is a script, and you be a fucking goddamn man, and you follow that script. You ask the lady how she's feeling. You don't insult her on that level.

I think I'm the type that I hurt you and then ask you how you feel you're in. It's like, are you okay? But I'm the one that hurt you. Yeah. I'm confusing like that. Yeah. I'll say something deeply disturbing and cut you deep and then go, I want to know if you're okay.

I want to help you. Yeah. Yeah. It's called a sociopath. Yeah. You're a sociopath. You like victims. You need fucking victims.

Because I'm a piece of shit. You're a piece of garbage. What do you got coming up, Rachel? Anything fun and exciting? Now, we both do have a great... All right. This isn't funny, but it's true. You're a piece of garbage. What do you got coming up, Rachel? Anything fun and exciting? Now, we both do have a great... All right, this isn't funny, but it's true. You both have very good hearts. You're very good humans.

You can rely. You tell you to show up, you's going to be there. I'm going to be there. Yeah. You's going to be there. If you're showing up or you're not, there's no in-between-lation. I'm going to be there unless it's the crews from the Impact of the Jokers. I respect friends like that.

Make a plan. That's the plan. That's a plan. There's not a bunch of nonsense. There's not a lot of foolishness. Yeah. There's no, you don't feel like with me and Chris, you don't feel like there's a trick up our sleeve or anything. We kind of are what we are, right?

No, you're exactly what you are. When I look at your days on Instagram, I'm like, that's exactly what they should be doing. Yeah, that's what we do. Giannis should be laying in the park with his legs wide open, you know, on the back on his phone or something, doing a cameo. And I should be taking videos of the American flags in my neighborhood and be like, this is what I live here.

This is a great neighborhood, America. I mean, we are disturbing trash, right? Yeah. We look like we belong to be thrown in the back of a truck, right? Like the way I talk. I mean, do we look like bags to you? Do we look like roach and mice resistant bags? Yeah.

It's really your behavior that pulls you down i mean you're yeah you're you're good looking guys but when you look at your what your actual activities um it's disgraceful oh it's so so it's horrifying yeah yeah when i go to calani's bar photo shoots and he does with cigars and like just kind of letting people know what class is and how to have class how about when I took a photo of myself in the hot tub on vacation? Yeah, it was disgusting. That's what infuriates me. Why would we need your book reports on society in between your Jersey Shore Instagram shots? It's such a confusing montage you created.

Yeah. It's weird. And then he has like his dumb characters with like the hair combed over. You're like, what is this guy even saying? The guy's a fucking psychopath is what he is. Luke St. Simon. the hair combed over. You're like,

what is this guy even saying? The guy's a fucking psychopath is what he is. Luke St. Simon. Now, when you see this fucking piece of trash roll up to a comedy club in a ranger's jacket and gelled hair,

do you want to vomit on your shoes? Yeah. I mean, just tell me what your true feelings are because you're a classy girl from Maryland and this kid is

burrow fucking trash. He's a trash monkey bad. Well, the first thing I heard about you was that you got shot. So I kind of heard Giannis is like a bad boy. Yeah, Giannis. Joe DeRosa told me he's hanging with Giannis

and he kind of acted like I wasn't ready to meet Gian yet. He's like, I'll introduce you when I do. You know what I mean? Yeah, I definitely kind of thought you were like a... I was talking about Chris, but give me me, yeah. But yeah, I did think you were sort of like a Brooklyn bad boy, you know, taking risks and like you didn't care. I remember talking to you about the business once and I thought we would like hash out like whatever insecurities or fears were. And Giannis just seems so comfortable.

He's like, it's what it is. I'm like, that's not a statement. That doesn't shed any light. It is what it is. It's just what it is. How long have you guys known each other, you and Giannis? A long, long, long time. Okay.

Like over 10 years. No. Well. Probably. Yes. Yeah. Maybe 10 or 9 or 8 somewhere. Yeah.

Close to 8 to 10. Yeah. 2009, 10, 11, somewhere in there. Yeah. And Chrissy, I can't remember where we first met. Who knows? Yeah. Who the?

Yeah. When you saw this thing fucking just saunter up. Just with a bop. I always imagine that Chris is whispering some sort of active lie in a girl's ear somewhere in some bar in Bay Ridge. Yeah. And it soothes me. I'm like, that's where he should be. Telling her, you know, what did you do today?

It's like, oh, I just got off the phone with my mother. You know, just saying how much I love her. All that stuff. I've been talking to my mother in weeks. You told me once, you tell a girl you love her on the first date yeah on the first date that's what I do I tell her that like I'll say babe I'm legit in love with you right now

that exact thing I'll say I'm legit in love with you and they love it they're like oh my god really I don't know what it is babe but I fucking love you I love you I love when you call everyone babe and sometimes he'll call me babe but it's hilarious

yeah call everybody babe come on I gotta go call me babe, but it's hilarious. Yeah, call everybody babe. Come on, I got to go shower up, babe, and then I'll come grab you. Because you're fucking funny. You move around funny. I move around funny. I know your game with girls. You over compliment so much. You compliment them so much that there's no room for your actual personal accountability, which you have none.

You're not going to be there. You're not going to show up. There's nothing. But just telling them how incredible, how you're just on the floor with how in love with them you are. And they're just sitting at some pizza place waiting for you. Well, yeah, no. Funny that I just said you guys show up, but not for girls.

Girls are always like, you know, the first time we have sex, like, no, I don't want to have sex with you because then I'm never going to see you again. I'm like, babe, are you fucking kidding me? That's the last thing that would ever happen. And we have sex, like, no, I don't want to have sex with you because then, like, you're never going to, I'm never going to see you again. I'm like, babe, are you fucking kidding me? That's the last thing that would ever happen. And we have sex. And then, like, I'll cancel the next time because I just can't make it or whatever. And then I'll just slowly, you know, and then usually it's just like, you know, they all, it just fizzles out.

They're like, oh, you know, I'm like, you know, I fucking like you. I wish we had another chance. What are you doing tomorrow? But let me just say, Chris brings out something in girls that you see rarely. He doesn't really have to do that much work. No, he doesn't. They just bring it. They offer it.

It's just an offering. Yeah, I don't know where it's coming from. It's like they bring it to him and say, here it is. And they present it. They present the post. But I think women... And say it's here for the taking. What I have noticed...

It's wild. I know. And they're accepting, I mean, just all kinds of just wild nonsense. And they know it. They know these are lies. Lies, yes. Whispered in this gross bay ridge bar there's nothing but lies but i think but i think that what what i've noticed about me and

yana's called attention to this and it's noticeable is that i will have sex with a good amount of women but they don't very rarely do they want to go on dates two three or four like sometimes they do but for the most part it's like you know i filled a need for them they they wanted to get fucked i fucked them and it's now it's that I filled a need for them. They wanted to get fucked. I fucked them. And now that's it. That's one thing that was fascinating to me because you don't really – you seem pretty conflict avoidant. You don't like conflict, right?

No. Yeah. So I'm like for somebody like that that's lying to so many people, how does he unweave himself? And that's what I want. I would love to have a day with your text messages, just seeing how you extricate yourself. Yeah. Like a game of Operation or some shit. Yeah. And then I remember you told me that. I can't remember where we were.

I think we were in Montreal, and you were like, no, they don't seem to want to re-fuck me. Yeah. It's usually just like, well, fuck them once, and that's it. You're good with a single fuck. Yeah, just one single fuck. It's like a real curiosity that they have, because you're a hot kid. Yeah. You're like, I'm a cute kid, but I'm a kid like you want to have a conversation. I think a girl wants to have a conversation with me and is on the fence about fucking me.

Right, Rachel? Kind of on the fence. Yanni on the fence. It goes in and out of the mind. Like maybe, depends on what his hair looks like, how much of a gut he's got. I'm almost good looking. Yeah. Whereas you, you're just, it's just, you got a big masculine head, good looking head.

You look like a hockey player or like MMA fighter. Yeah. He's got that college ball confidence left over too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you look like an American, like you were on the show, American gladiators.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like the girls just want you to fuck them. Yeah. And it's what it is. It's just what it is. Yeah. And then, but they're sure about what it is. They're sure about it.

With you, they're sure about it. They offer it. With me, it's like they're just on the fence about it. Is that accurate? It's pretty accurate. I don't think that's entirely accurate. It's pretty accurate. I think that's an accurate description of Chris.

Yes. Right. Yeah. For me. No, I think your numbers are golden. I mean, you've always been like Giannis. Gianni ran through a lot of puss. He had a nice condo in Miami. He ran through a lot of puss.

You went to Miami and you were overwhelmed with all your choices. It is true. It's funny because as a woman, you're just like, I just want a guy I can trust. Just one reasonable, non-shit heap that I can actually build some sort of legitimate life with. And with you guys, it's just like, I don't know. Does she love me in the right way?

Do I feel a little crowded? It's just choices. It's so fucking true. You went to Miami and you just had a sea of choices. And then you just had to make one. Poor Yana. Poor Yana. So sad.

Just some hot Miami fucking meal. We're pieces of shit. And then you just had to make one. Poor Yannick. Poor Yannick. Yeah. So sad. Yeah. Yo, God. Just some hot Miami fucking milk. We're pieces of shit. Yeah. Like, we are spoiled. Like, men are weaker than women. Absolutely. We're emotionally weaker.

Yeah. Like, seriously, I'm not just saying that to, like, be an ally. I'm being serious. Yeah. Like, what she just said really rang true to me. Because, like, yeah, women have a hard time finding one good guy. And I was sitting there all heartbroken, just, like, true to me because it's like, yeah, women have a hard time finding one good guy. And I was sitting there all heartbroken, just like banging toots.

Yeah. And, you know, yeah, I was like, feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for me. But like, yeah, it's the same with Sam. I'm like, Sam, you could date any of these girls. The problem is you want one that actively dislikes you. It was like, yeah, you're right. Yeah, that is hot. You know, you want he's like, I want one that's a little crazy.

You know, it's just crazy enough to be good and sick enough in bed, but then also blows me off a lot. You know, you want some sort of perfect reflection of your own lack of self-worth. You have endless options. Yeah. And when I think about the options, as I've counseled you guys, you assholes. Yeah. No, but I think it's always just like a sea of options. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've yeah. I know, like even like girls to bring to his wedding, it's just like, there's like 30 girls that I'm thinking of. I'm just going to like, maybe I'm just going to send a text out. Because do you know you have to, you can't,

this isn't like a, the decision has to be made. What do you mean? You can't just like. Should I just bring my baby's mama? You could do whatever you want. She's pregnant again. Wait, is she? But you can't just keep up in the air about it.

You have to fucking make a decision. Are you coming alone or are you bringing a tube? I may bring a tube. No, last time you said you were going to try to fuck one of the bridesmaids. You can edit that out. No, no, no. I did say that. She's got a boyfriend now.

Wait, I just want to take a moment to how funny that is for the people who are listening to this right now who just said that Chris can edit something he set out. If you have listened to what he said on this podcast, that was one of the most PG moments that has ever happened from his mouth. No, I think probably what I'll do is like when I came to your wedding, I came – because I was cruising for puss. And then I just – I wound up going – You wound up going home with for puss. And then I just wound up going home with a guy. Well, no, I didn't go home with a guy. I remember my daughter was on Staten Island. And I remember like, oh, shit, there's a girl that I bang out who lives on Staten Island. So I texted her from the wedding and she was home.

Oh, shit, there's a girl that I bang out. I mean, just right back there. I mean, that's any girl's worst nightmare, that a woman would be conversing. That's a dangerous slime. Oh, shit. There's a girl that I bang out. You get to see a side of guys that a lot of women don't see because you cohort with us as animals. They stop editing themselves when you're a comedian.

I told her. I called. I remember I texted her. I was like, you know, I'm at this wedding right now. I'm just like lonely, depressed. Like, I wish you were here with me. yeah they stopped editing themselves when you're a comedian yeah when i told her i called i remember i texted i was like you know i'm at this wedding right now i'm just like lonely depressed like i wish you were here with me blah blah blah i was like you want to like maybe we'll go get pizza something like that and then and then yeah and then she was like i'd love to and then like i just kept dream date well that just kept delaying it because i was like i don't want to go sit in that pizza with her so then i was like i was like you know what it's getting like late like should

i just bring pizza to you are these details like accurate should i just you can't you don't know who's listening should i just bring pizza to your apartment or something like that and she was like you know what fine let's do it and then i just like you know i was in there in my tux and all that shit and i was just like yeah like i just think about you all the time and blah blah blah blah and then we just banged out we had pizza and then i i went home i went home that night she wanted me to leave she was like you know she's like she's like yeah i gotta get up early tomorrow i was like babe i'm gonna call you tomorrow. I would love to

take you to some sort of court. I want to be one of these girls. You want to put them away. Yeah, I've had it. I'm telling you, you have that impression on people. She wants to put you away. She wants the law to put you away. And I want to put you down. I'm telling you, you're too wild for this world.

You're Chrissy Chaos. I actually didn't bang out after Rachel's wedding. I fucking went to the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru. That's really what I did off Highland Boulevard. Because we're having such a good time, I think we're way over time here. We're way over time. Where are we, Zyce? An hour. An hour and two.

Do we have to leave at six? Yeah, so we're just not going to be able to get a third episode. Yeah. It's just what it is. But it was fucking fun talking to Rachel. At this point, we can do it? Yeah. We can bang out one more.

We need to. Okay. So we can. All right, Rachel. Do it, guys. So wait, listen. That was all fun. That was...

We didn't do... That was all hyena. Just Rachel Feinstein. Okay? Get it right. You two haters. Yeah. Feinstein.

Yeah. One of the funniest comedians. One of our favorite people. We love you so much. I love you guys so much. We love Pete more, but you can follow her wherever. Pete's excited about the castle. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's going to be fucking fun. Yeah. He's got a mustache now. Oh, I love that mustache. I'm going to be looking for him while I'm getting married. I'm just going to be like,

where's fucking Pete? You can see Pete's bicep cuts through his suit jacket. He's just got good energy. I want to hang out and smoke a stick with him. Absolutely. I want to fucking just lay on the grass with Pete. Yeah. I would step over you to save him. Yeah. No, he

gets your specific Brooklyn language, the way that you communicate because he grew up in Marine Park. He's a kid from Marine Park. Went to Bishop Ford. Wow. Marine Park, they don't even have trains on there. It's just buses. I had friends who went to Bishop Ford.

Let me tell you something about your husband. Your husband's a Brooklyn fucking kid. He's got the thickest accent I've ever heard in my life. He's a kid from Marine Park. Marine Park, Brooklyn. I mean, and he went to Bishop Ford. He actually played basketball there? Basketball at Bishop Ford.

He played basketball at Bishop Ford. He lives in Marine Park. He ended up being a firefighter. Yeah. That's the Brooklyn dream. Just like his uncle. Just like his uncle. Just like his granddad. He's a kid you could fucking definitely see

at the bar. He'll be at the bar. Yeah. He'll be where? He'll be a fucking... Yeah. I'm just having an Alzheimer's moment. What?

Oh, what bar is he at? He's probably... He's at Three Jolly Pigeons in Bay Ridge. That's where he's at. Three Jolly Pigeons. Yeah. We call it Three JP or the Kettle Black on 3rd F. He definitely has one friend named Colleen.

100% Does he have a friend named Colleen? We went to Florida with Colleen. There you go. We went to Disney World with Colleen and his husband Kevin. I'm telling you, he's a friend named Colin? We went to Florida with Colleen There you go With Colleen and his husband Kevin I'm telling you He's a Brooklyn fucking kid Yeah

He drinks at bars called Three Jolly Pigs He has a friend named Colin He's got one friend named Mike Yeah And they call him Mikey It's what it is And I guarantee you

Every time he gets cut off in traffic In his head he goes That guy's definitely Chinese Does he have a friend named Brian? An Irish friend named Brian? Yes, he came to the wedding. There we go. I mean,

because me and Chrissy know this kid. He's a Brooklyn fucking kid from Marine Park. And it's every fireman. They all have the same voice. I was talking about Liz. Liz was like,

there's a fireman accent. Yes. It's not just a New York accent. There's like a FDNY fireman accent. If you go listen to the, if you listen to the radios like on YouTube, if you want to buff out,

be a little fire buff, you listen to the radios and on YouTube If you want to buff out Be a little fire buff You listen to the radios They're just like Firefighters Where's the fire That's how they used to say it And I'd be like Where's the call

1075 Yeah I'm there And it's always the same name It's just like Flaherty You there O'Brien Yeah you there

Box one Box two Box three They're never in a rush You know but there's like An actual fireman And it's the thickest New York accent

You've ever heard All Chris's friends are firefighters. Remember those kids that when we were shooting our half hours, you remember those kids who were taking their shirts off and following you to the bathroom? Those were all FDNY. Those guys, I guarantee you, those guys have walked into fires checking the Mets score as they're going up the stairs

to put out the flames. Yeah. It used to be they didn't wear their masks. One of his older fireman buddies was like, we would go in there, you know, big job, go into the fridge, grab a beer, finish it off. I'll meet you in the living room where the orange is. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Maureen Park, he's just a Brooklyn bread kid.

Yeah. Brooklyn bread, Catholic, you know. Yeah. Can still go to church, Pete? Nobody sits in a church when he's angry. When he's angry. Like a good repressed catholic push it down push it down push it down push it down that's why we say chrissy's got such strong biceps no triceps triceps because he pushes down all his gay and his pain yeah you gotta push it all oh he pushes it all down yeah we don't we don't bicker but

every once in a while there's like a dent in the microwave. You know what I mean? I remember my sister, I was like, what happened to the microwave? I hadn't even noticed it. I'm like, oh. And he's like, yeah, punch it. Every three months, gotta go punch the microwave, walk into a church. Wait, does he go sit in a church when he's angry? Sits in a church when he's angry.

I have gone into a church to look for him. It's like a dumb movie. Yeah. For fuck's sake. For me, you always like to know what makes me queasy funny? Something like that. Yeah, that he goes and sits in a church when he's angry is queasy funny. It's so funny, I don't know what to do with myself.

It's making your stomach hurt. Yeah. Where is he? I'm going to go search the local churches because he's sitting in there fuming. I did. I walked over to fucking Manhattan Avenue and I'm like, do you want to talk it out? He's like, alright, I'll meet you outside. And he does this little

Catholic thing. I don't know, that little cross you guys do over yourself. There's two of them, by the way, before I get out of here. And he wouldn't tell me about the second one. There's like two different Catholic crosses. He's like, yeah, that one's just for us. There's like a special one you do at like a wake or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, but I shouldn't tell the Jews.

He's scared, a little scared of God all the time. He doesn't want to get in trouble. Yeah, doesn't want to get in trouble, yeah. But Catholic kids are good kids. Yeah. Good kids. Good heart. Good heart.

Good heart. Good family. Good heart. All right, I love you guys. All right, love you. Peace out. Thank you, everybody. Wait, we didn't even say where we can find you.. All right. Love you. Peace out. Thank you, everybody. Wait, we didn't even say where we can find you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When does this air? Probably a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks. But this will be up for, it'll air immediately on our Patreon. Then we'll be released for the public in two or three weeks.

Okay. I'm doing Conan on the week of the 25th. I can't remember which the date is. But you can go to my website, rachel-fein weeks. Okay. I'm doing Conan on the week of the 25th. I can't remember which the date is. But you can go to my website, rachel-feinstein.com, and that has all my road dates coming up. I'll be in the San Francisco Punchline. Go see Rachel on the Road, San Francisco Punchline, other places. Watch her on Conan.

Go watch her specials online. Netflix. And yeah, go try to find her husband's blog. He's got some great poems on there. Try her husband's blog. If you can't find it, just search the local churches. If you find yourself curious about the benefits of broccoli, well, Pete's got it for you. Or what a fun-filled day

we had in Dublin, Ireland two years ago. Peace, everybody. Bye-bye.