History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 92 - Michael Kosta is WILD!

Episode Date: October 20, 2019

Comedian Michael Kosta is a hunk. He was also a professional tennis player and is currently on The Daily Show as a corespondent. We explain fumes to him and we talk tennis and comedy. One of our funniest episodes! Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

yeah are these hyenas? these are hyenas? yeah Hyenas? These are hyenas? Yeah. Guess who's back? I know you missed me last week, but we had Sergio fill in. But now it's just an all-white podcast. And I'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's definitely not a bad thing. Yes, that's why I got on my white hat. I just want to feel like a fucking white woman

because it's just good to be back. Michael Costa is on with us today. He's a big tennis player, so I put on my tennis floppy hat. And make no mistake, I feel like Julia Robertson, pretty woman, when she was picking up those ditch holes, when she went and played polo at Richard Gere, yeah, I want to suck her ass. Yeah, you look like Venetia

working hard on a beach in Athens. Yeah, look, look, who am I? Hey, listen guys, Venetia, mad dope a beach in Athens. Yeah, look, look. Who am I? Hey, listen, guys. Venetia, mad dope. Yes, love. I have to go on a work trip, so don't check my Instagram. It's not what you think.

Yeah, we're dope. Love. Anyway, I'm back. You're sick. No, I feel better. Because you have no immune system. Yeah. You have zero immune system.

I may have to get my tonsils out, and it's just what it is. Yeah, I mean, you're just a kid who has zero immune system. I may have to get my tonsils out and it's just what it is. Yeah, I mean, you're just a kid who has zero immune system. I haven't been sick since July 4th, guy. Yeah, listen, guy, you're sick every couple months, guy. Guy, pull the chain out. Here we go. Yeah, listen, Mike. Why don't you fucking...

Yeah, Mike, we're here to talk about... Mike, I know we wanted you on this podcast to talk about Monica Sellis and some other FF, but the truth is we got to talk about De Blasio's a homo. Ladder 14, it's a character piece. So we welcome our good friend Michael Kosta, who is a great comedian. He's an American from Michigan. That's right.

You are a fucking American kid. That's right. A handsome kid. Thank you. And a funny kid Thank you But he does And he's got chest hair

Which is nice Not afraid You know You always bring this up Chris Yeah You got good chest hair Remember we were sitting downstairs One time

You walked right in the room And you said Kostas got his chest hair out Yeah You notice it Yeah you'll get banged out See what I Do you remember the war

On chest hair forever Yeah It's slowly coming back yes i don't and and who started bringing it back uh costa costa i just shaved mine you do i did i'm down a stubble yeah wow because i keep getting a rash underneath it like kind of like one of those orthodox jew rashes that you see on their beards it's like a fungus that grows from the heat yeah and i just shaved it now i'm gonna take care of this rash by applying cream yeah before i cut it it's like a fungus that grows from the heat and I just shaved it and now I'm going to take care of this rash by applying cream before I it's a selenium cream yeah

it's clotrimotrizol you look like it's crazy how much better you look with facial hair than without I mean without facial hair you just you look like a guy I don't want to be around but when you have facial hair you just look you're so handsome.

I'm sexy. Yeah, you're a handsome kid. You're for Rome with facial hair. Yeah, and then without facial hair, I look like Katie Lang. Yeah, you look like Katie Lang. And Michael looks good. Michael Costas is a cute, cute kid. Michael Kid's a handsome fucking kid.

You just called him Michael Kid's a handsome kid. Yeah. I'm on a Z-Pack, guy. Yeah, because your head's too big and the head is squeezing. I can't believe that thing fits on you, guy. Because I legit pull up Julia Roberts in that. Julia Roberts, when she's wearing this fucking hat, she's a babe. Julia Roberts is a babe.

I can't tell you how many times in my life somebody crosses me and in my head I just go, big mistake. Huge. Like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Yeah. Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman with the hat on. Yeah. Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman with the hat on? Yeah. Yeah, look at her with the hat on. Yeah, there it goes.

Yeah. Same colors and everything. Absolutely. You know what I appreciate about that movie is I rewatched it recently, as I usually do once a year. Sure. And they really talk about specific exchange of money for the service of prostitution. A lot of times movies will just make it like a general

so you don't really know how much you're talking about. But you watch it now and he's negotiating with her on money and it's like $300 for the week or something. Because this was shot in 1975. But it's interesting to see that that's what a high-end prostitute cost back then. A high-end toot now is going to run you about $4,000 or $5,000.

$4,000 or $5,000 for a night? For a top-notch toot, yeah. A TNT. Yeah, and this was Beverly Hills, too. It was Beverly Hills. Yeah, five-star hotel toot. Julia Roberts, six-foot white woman. That's usually more than $300.

Because it's low-fumes. Yeah. Yeah. Because all our moms would clean out Richard Gere. Richard Gere is the kind of guy that your mom wants to clean out. Richard Gere is the type of guy that your mom has definitely had un-Catholic thoughts about. 100%. She's had to move a few veggies.

Yeah. And she got a little flustered and she had to go to church to wipe it clean. It's what it is. Yeah. Moving vegetables is having a couple of brews because when he was a kid, his mom hid the beer in the vegetable drawer. So she would move the vegetables to retrieve the beer. Because I hated vegetables. So she knew I would never look there.

So she would put a couple of Sam Adams or Coors Lights underneath like a bag of broccoli spears. And I just would never see them. Now, you and Michael Costa and me, we're the same, but we're different. Yeah, we're the same. We were all athletic kids. Yeah. Me being the least successful of the three. Michael's probably the most successful. That's what I'm saying. We're going to but we're different We were all athletic kids Me being the least successful of the three Michael's probably the most successful

That's what I'm saying, we're going to go like this It goes like that I'm a division one walk on failure You're a division three fucking hall of famer Low division three hall of famer Which is why Well actually your school's hall of fame I'm in my school's hall of fame

The hall of fame at his school is actually just Oster Tag with a picture glued to the Oster Tag. Yeah, that's true. In the hallway. Yeah. Yeah, because a friend of mine was walking in there because he went to his son's game there, and he took a picture of it. And your Hall of Fame plaque looks like a kindergarten's art project. Absolutely. Yeah.

What were these numbers you put up? I put up. And let's not pretend like you don't know. No, no, no. No. When I was – The kid's a fucking hero. Ridgewood.

No, senior year – First of all, senior year, Division I three-point percentage leader was J.J. Redick. That was the same year. Division II was some other guy. was JJ Redick. That was the same year. Division II was some other guy. And my senior year,

I had the highest three-point percentage for at least a week in the whole country. I was shooting like 71% or something from threes. You got hot in two games? I just didn't miss threes. I just was... Well, because my dad, I've told this story before,

but my dad would practice with me. It's true. We would take 1,000 jump shots a day, every day. And my dad had practice with me. It's true. We would take 1,000 jump shots a day every day, and my dad had a broom that would mimic longer arms, and he wrote Leroy on the stick. I swear. We would be out in Farmer's Oval, and he had the Leroy stick,

and I would just shoot jump shots over Leroy, and it kind of developed into this high-arching three that I just got very good at because he would make me shoot a thousand jump shots a day. So that's a lot of fucking shots. Was it fun or was it you got to do this? It was fun. Were you shooting with tears coming down your face sometimes?

No, I mean... His pops probably put a couple dollars on St. Joe's, so I just wanted to make sure his kid made the spread. Well, no, this was happening all through high school and college. So it was kind of like just my time with my dad, and then he would get, you know, go run and get rebounds and all that, and he would just hobble

over because he has no cartilage in his knees. One ball, or was it like a rack of balls? No, one ball. That's what I'm saying. And it was all about time. Like, we would have to shoot a thousand jump shots. So basically, it would start to get to the point where they had to go in and kind of

come right back to me because my dad was getting older. Because he only had like two hours to knock these out. And it's fucking exhausting. Like still to this day, my body is just like, if I get a basketball, the first thing I do, well, I just throw it out in front of me and I like step into it and shoot because I've just done that. That's just what my, it's like riding a bike. So a big clanger, it would shoot off to the side. that. That's just what my – it's like riding a bike.

So a big clanger, it would shoot off to the side. That really fucks up the rhythm and the time in gym time. Yeah, and it didn't matter if it was raining out in the summer. We were out there. It's like how many times I slipped. Yeah. You know, like just like – but my dad just didn't care because he was motivated. He was motivated by stealing my family's money. So that's what that is.

Yeah. was motivated by stealing my family's money. So that's what that is. Costa actually was ranked in the world nationally as a tennis player. What was the number? Well, you can't be ranked in the world nationally. Yeah, that's a good point. You're an FF. I'm a fucking stupid kid. I'm fucking stupid.

My career high in the world, high. This was the best I ever did was 864 in the world. But that This was the best I ever did. Was 864 in the world. But that's sick. Think about in the world how many people are in the fucking world. I know. And there's a way to know that

but we don't know what it is. When I was playing professional tennis, it's more like I was playing semi-professional. But I was playing tournaments for money. They ranked like 10,000 players in the world, and I was 864 at the highest. You were at that level where if you wanted to be a tennis hustler, that was the perfect ranking to just show up and be like,

hey, you guys want to play for a little money, throw a couple shots, and then dig it in? Yeah, because Giannis loves tennis. I do love tennis. Because he's from a part of Brooklyn where you can be open about liking tennis. You could be a straight mannis loves tennis. I do love tennis. Because he's from a part of Brooklyn where you can be open about liking tennis. You can be a straight man and like tennis where I'm from. I'm from the part of Brooklyn where we worked at the tennis center because that's what the US Open does. They get kids from Brooklyn, Queens.

The other, Wimbledon and all that, I told you this, they don't get kids. They get kids from prestigious families. But the US Open just goes to the boroughs and gets these fucking kids where you're like, you know, like, I was like, oh, dad, I got a job at the tennis center. He's like, oh, what are you gay now? It's like, no. Even with like John McEnroe and Vetus Garolaitis who were New Yorkers and were world champions, that didn't change some of the like blue collar attitude towards.

Not really. I thought Vetus was a New Yorker. Is Garolaitis the guy who died in the pool house or something like that? Yeah, he went to my high school. He's in my high school's Hall of Fame. This didn't change your dad's opinion? Not really. No, because it's just tennis. It's just like tennis, they just stick cock.

It's an elitist sport. I mean, look, I talk about it on stage. The biggest complaint about tennis is that the scoring is difficult to understand. Well, the English designed the scoring to be challenging because they didn't want the lower class to learn the sport.

Wow. It still fucking works. To this day, many people back off tennis because it's confusing and I want to know. And tennis is like, yeah, we don't want you. Get the fuck out of here. Interesting. Go watch hockey because it counts by ones. Yeah.

And that's easier for you, you dumb fuck. Yeah, you just let your true color show a little bit. Excuse me, who let you in here? What's the historical significance of love? Well, supposedly, there's a lot of different theories. But the one that I'll go with, and I believe is true, is the English did steal the sport from the French. It was a noble sport that was played in castles, truly.

And the French would say zero. They would say egg, love. And when the English heard this and through some fucking whatever, it started slowly turned into love. Got it. So egg, they were saying egg. You know how we say like egg for zero. They would say love.

So anyways, we don't really know, but that makes sense to me. That's what it is. That makes sense to me and so the 15 30 that is just just to make poor people not get it i mean that's another theory that i believe now if you look at a clock yeah it could follow it could signify a clock 15 30 45 game right but you don't say 45 you say 40 yeah so that's a little confusing right but that's it's another thing to fuck you up yeah so that is kind of the theory behind it what's amazing about tennis players too is they don't really have a built-in time off like every other athlete gets an off season they don't it's like you just have to not make money and not play in a tournament right

that's correct yeah they're they get about five or six weeks off but they're always injured i mean that's what's so amazing about roger federer he's never seems to be injured but it's a problem in tennis i mean they're injured all the time they have to create their own offices it's kind of like stand-up comics yeah yeah that's why i was bringing it up yeah it's like you you see that we comics work themselves to death or whatever it's like you gotta you gotta you gotta build in some vacation time you gotta take yourself off the road if you're a tennis player. That's correct. Just report an injury.

That's what it is. In tennis, you only use your best 14 tournaments for your ranking. Right. That's only 14 weeks. Well, a couple grand slams, more weeks than that. But it's not that many weeks. But what a lot of guys do is they'll play like double that and just for half of their career, half of their tournaments, they just say, don't use that.

Don't use that. So, but the, they just say, don't use that. But the best players just say, I'm playing 15 tournaments. That's it. Yeah. That's how you bring a podcast to a screeching halt. No, this is interesting stuff. No. This is interesting stuff. Even if this gets obtuse,

that's what it's supposed to be when you talk about tennis because we're filtering out a lot of people. You have to do that. Yeah. You have to do that. It's not for everybody, guy. It's not for everybody, guy. And that's what I wanted to get to

and Mike, you can stay quiet on this if you want. I like that you're calling him Mike. He goes by Michael because he's a classy fucking kid. Yeah, he goes by Michael. He doesn't go by Mike.

Yeah, a guy goes by Michael because he fucking likes to go down to the fucking bar called Cock. This is a New York thing. You tell somebody your full name and then they shorten the fucking bar called Cock. This is a New York thing. You tell somebody your full name and then they shorten it immediately. Immediately. Such a New York guy.

Because it's like, listen, guy. We had one of our friends in here. Mateo goes by his full name, but not you. No, Michael. I'm kidding. Mr. Costa. But it's like, yeah, not everybody's got to be included in everything. It's like we live in this fucking fantasy society now.

It's like you have to include everybody. It's like, why, guy? Some fantasy society now where it's like, you have to include everybody. It's like, why, guy? Some people just aren't good at shit. Then guess what? They can't play. That's okay.

I don't want to watch the WNBA. It's not fucking fun. Nobody cares. It sucks. The finals are going, nobody cares. So just get it out.

It's like, yeah, I don't know what you want me to tell you. It's more fun to watch men play certain sports. Women, I like to watch them play tennis. But it's like yeah i don't know what you want me to tell you that it's it's more fun to watch men play certain sports women i like to watch them play tennis yeah that's actually but it's like i don't want to watch them play basketball or fucking hockey so stop playing pretend yeah like i don't want to watch women wrestle yeah i want to watch them dance around in fucking leotards yeah

i just don't want to is there a more gender equal sport than tennis no No. You'll watch a men's match on TV. They'll cut over to a women's match. Back to the men's. Back to women's. You don't even think about that shit.

Can you imagine if the NBA did that? Boston, Lakers, Celtics, fourth quarter. Hey, let's check in with the Minnesota Lynx. Detroit Shock Day. It would be a fucking riot.

It would be a fucking riot. And it's like, you can't, you gotta play pretend now in today's society. It's like, we all don't want to watch it. Yeah. Bro.

Yeah. My fucking, my family, like, it's mostly women that hate me. And they, even they don't want to watch it. Lawsuits pending. They'd rather watch men's sports. Yeah. Lawsuits pending. A lot of 14.

It's a character piece that you don't. It's just a character piece. I apologize. I got an open seat for Thanksgiving. Here's the thing. Here's the thing that I find interesting about tennis. Yeah. Female tennis is the most popular female sport.

It's amazing. For females. For females. But you have to say, probably, it's supported mostly by men. Right? Overall? The fans? I don't know.

I'm asking the expert. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I don't know. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just getting excited. I don't know. Well, I'm asking the expert. Oh, yeah, sorry. I don't know. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just getting excited. I don't know the finances of tennis, okay? Now, the male athletes that have come out and said as quietly and as kindly as they can,

hey, they get paid the same as us, and we play twice as long. That's a problem. Get fucking destroyed. Of course. Djokovic just made a quiet little comment like, hey, it seems a little crazy that I'm playing for six hours. They're playing for 55 minutes, whatever, and they're getting paid the same. You mean he quietly just said the truth. Yeah.

So anyway. You got to say it really. Yeah. I, I have made, I have tweeted that, you know, the, the, the Wimbledon final this year, the men's final.

I don't know if you remember that. It was a Djokovic fit six hours. Yeah. You know, it was all day, all fucking day. Meanwhile, Simona Halep beat Serena Williams in 55 minutes.

Yeah. They both made 2.8 million euros, right? Like that to me seems like a discrepancy. You, this won't surprise you. The Twitterverse did not take kindly to my tweet. Of course not. Especially women's tennis players who fucking crush me, okay?

Yes. I was just trying to bring up the point. What do they say? I would love to hear what they say. I mean, they're- Equal pay. What is their logic? Well, a lot of their argument, and I would agree with this,

is there are times when the female stars serena uh sell tickets faster than the men's stars especially at the u.s open i agree you know and so therefore you're saying hey women's women's sports are dry are made more money but uh there aren't good arguments in my opinion okay now the best solution in my opinion is have the women play three out of five sets. And take away their right to vote. And take away their right to vote. Absolutely. Am I crazy?

But what's hard about this argument is we have to now admit that there are physical differences between men and women. And somehow this is like a thing that people can't admit. I know. So it's like a very hard thing to admit. It's like, listen, guy, I'll struggle beating either one of you in an arm wrestling contest, but I will crush Venetia. I will take Venetia down. It's just what it is.

Sorry to cut you off. I just wanted to make that point. I don't have the answer for it because you're being very politically correct. I watch the women's final as passionately as I watch the men's final. I fucking love the sport of tennis. I think the men's game is more complete. But I like watching any world-class athlete under pressure compete.

It doesn't matter what fucking sport it is. I like watching juniors. And not every day will you hear a grown man say into a microphone, I like watching juniors. Yeah. Okay? I love tennis. Yeah.

Yay. I love tennis. When you say you love tennis, it does kind of sound like I'm gay. It should. Okay. I love tennis. Yeah. Yay. I love tennis. When you say you love tennis, it does kind of sound like I'm gay. It should. It does. It does sound like that. It does.

It does. When you said that, my jaw came out. I was like this. It does feel a little like you have to come out of the closet and say, I mean,

I like, I'll be honest with you. Yeah. Tennis is my, I go, I go basketball first. Yeah. All right.

And then tennis might slide in second. Yeah, well, you left the Salty Dog when I think the Giants were playing, and you left the Salty Dog to quietly go watch the U.S. Open final. It's what it is. I love it. Yeah, it's what it is. He'll text me. And then I sneak a text to Costa.

He watches U.S. Open, he watches tennis on mute in his own house because we're in Bay Ridge. You can't have anybody hear it in the apartment. Yeah, look, we need our own speakeasy. We can just go and be FFs and watch tennis. I will say this about tennis. I have a podcast that I do sporadically called Tennis Anyone where I just fucking go off on tennis.

But I defend tennis. I love tennis. It's my favorite sport. I could make the argument that they're the greatest athletes that exist. Every time I fight for tennis, a tennis player behaves in a way that makes me hate the sport. They are the wealthiest, richest, spoiledest brats out there, men and women. Now, golf are even worse, but they have this built-in class system that I love where they self-report their errors. I love that about golf.

Tennis players are fucking the worst. They drive me insane. It's my least favorite part of what I believe is the greatest sport. It's the attitude. It's the entitlement. American juniors are terrible at tennis now. Why? Because their fucking feelings

get hurt all the time. It's a fucking mess. I'm critical of the sport that I love. But you're not gay. at tennis now. Why? Because their fucking feelings get hurt all the time. Yeah. It's a fucking mess, okay? So, I'm critical of the sport that I love. Yeah. But you're not gay for saying you love sport for tennis.

Right. You know? Right, no. No, it's something that I've become very comfortable with. I like tennis and I'm not ashamed

to tell anybody about it. Yeah. Even if you got your chain out, I'll say it right to your face. No, I like... I'm a tennis fan. No, I like... Listen, tennis is a very hard sport to play.

It's Cristo Luquez. There we go. Thank you. What does that mean? It means it's just what it is. It's just what it is. What language was that? That was Spanish.

Oh, very nice. We should know that one. We got to bring back the German one. And for Costa, he's some type of weird swarthy. He's a shishke. Yeah. I thought he was a Greek kid because his last name's Costa. But he's a shishke?

He's a shishke. Are you a shishke? Yeah, he's from eastern Europe. My whole life, my dad told us we were from the Czech Republic. And then in 1997, he took 26 Costa family members to the Czech Republic. Yeah. And we found out we weren't Czech Republic. And then we went to Poland.

We found out we weren't Polish. Then we went to Slovakia. Turns out, a small village in the Carpathian mountain range in the Ukraine. Wow. He's a Ukrainian. And it was Kost. K-O-S-T. And they added an A when they came over because I don't know why.

But how did you find this out? Where were you going to eat? Micro fish, Chris DeStefano. Micro fish. They had it when we were kids. My dad used to bring me to the library and he would scroll through fucking microfiche. It was a great trip. We got great pictures of it.

My whole life I would cheer for the Czech athletes. They'd be like a women's skier and she would get the silver. We'd be proud because she was Czech and she had a mustache, but we didn't care. I guess now I'm Ukraine. But man, do the Greeks get mad when I tell them I'm not Greek. The Greeks are proud people.

They are. Every show. Yeah, exactly. Thank you so much. And the Greeks love when you're successful, when you're doing good. If they see you on TV and they see your name's Costa, you probably get a lot of messages. They come up to the show. You're so proud of you, a Greek boy.

And what do I do? Do I say I'm not Greek? You should just go with the flow. Just go with it. Just go with the flow. Yeah, you got a lot. Dude like Sean King. He just says he's black, but I mean, the kid's fucking full white. I mean, he's whiter than yogurt You should just go with the flow. Just go with it. Just go with the flow. Yeah, you got a lot. Dude like Sean King, like he just says he's black,

but I mean, the kid's fucking full white. I mean, he's whiter than yogurt, but just go with it. Right. And then everybody just believes you. It's like, you can argue,

he's blue-faced, but no, the guy's, he's a white man, but you're like, no, he's black. It's like, all right, he's fucking black. So the kid sells tickets to black kids

and he's just a white fucking kid. I mean, that kid is, he's just a white kid. He's just a psycho. He's just a white kid. He's just a white kid. So just telling you Greek, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Genuinely, nobody really cares about anything. Yeah, that kid is, he's just a white kid. He's just a white kid. He's just a white kid. So just telling you Greek, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Genuinely, nobody really cares about anything. Yeah, that's true. So it's just what it is. I want to ask Michael Costa this question. Yeah, I want to listen.

How many times, how many times, now Michael Costa is currently employed at The Daily Show. That's correct. Very funny comedian, stand-up.

Well, currently, maybe until this podcast gets through the dice. No, this will be fine. We'll tackle it if you get fired trust me it's the best thing

that ever happened trust me I mean I'd fucking talk about a sacred ship I didn't even know that show was still on TV yeah I got my fucking I got my deal just ended

so I'm free to say whatever I want you jump off while you can I'm having a good time I got a fucking floppy Julia Roberts hat I'm ready to go it is funny how I like

I've now just accepted this hat so I look over at you and I've funny how I'm now just accepting this hat. So I look over at you, and I've kind of forgotten that you're wearing that hat. Well, that's the thing. That's the thing with me is I just do things, and then most people take it off. But I'll just keep it on. Yeah, just keep it on. He wears gay shirts a lot.

And I don't mean gay shirts in a bad way. I mean, he has gay sexual acts on his shirt. Yeah. Yeah, the last episode, he wore a gay Bert. Yo. Yeah, he wore gay Bert and Ernie the whole show. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

And I just, I don't, but we don't address it. He's got another shirt where one guy's blowing another guy and it says, finish him. It's what it is. And he just walks around in it. Yeah. The kid's a little Franks and Beans. Is gay Bert and Ernie more gay? Is it drawn more gay than just Bert and Ernie?

It's, well, they put the actual shirt, had him in like tiny shorts with like... Yeah, with like the S&M gear on. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I don't know. That's a wild shirt, right? Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Yeah. So here's my question. Oh, there it is. Yeah, there it is. That's what he's wearing last episode.

That's how they presented it to the children, wasn't it? That's great. I love it. Good job, Chris. You know what I like about Costa? Here we go. First of all, he's a good hang. He's a good hang. He's a good kid.

He's a great comic, too. He's very funny. Smart, good hang. He's one of these kids that deserves to be here in comedy. It's not just because some fucking 2019 bullshit has got a fun name and he's from fucking whatever bullshit country. Privileged side. He's just fucking actually funny

and good yeah he's a good hang thank you kid likes a few bruce when he has to when he goes when he goes he's one of those kids when he gets to the second or third one he likes to skip to eight or nine that's yeah it's just what it is kid likes to have a few bruce and also what i like about him is yeah when he gets a little drunk he can be convinced that certain people need to be cleaned you're gonna need a way shang chi oh sorry i'm just kidding we get a lot of 14 character When he gets a little drunk, he can be convinced that certain people need to be cleaned. You're going to need a Wei Shunxi. Oh, sorry. Wei Shunxi.

I'm just kidding around. Can we get a lot of 14 character piece? A lot of 14 character piece. I'm just kidding. But you know who you are. Just for the record, Michael Kosta was silent and looked away during that. He does not endorse the jokes. He doesn't endorse the jokes at all. I don't even know what that means.

It's better than the title. But listen, let's be honest. If you ever get fired from that show, me and Yano Go will go over and flush Trevor's head down the toilet for you. With this hat, I'll say, listen, guy, you can do all your South African bullshit. You're not from this country. You're from beyond the wall. So say one more word about my country and your head's going to go in the fucking urinal. All right, guy?

I'll stuff your little cakes up your fucking nose. This isn't your home. This is my home. Giannis is evaluating my drinking based off of a 12-day Ontario Just for Laughs tour we did together where we stayed in this terrible downtown Toronto hotel.

We then would get in a minivan with a psychopath driver. Remember this guy? Like a Little League Church basketball team. And then we would drive six hours to Markham, Ontario. Right. Do the show

where people would kind of laugh and then we would drive back and yeah, would I want to crush nine beers after that? Yeah. Of course. Because I wanted to sleep all day.

Yeah. And you're a fun guy. Always a fun guy. Our driver was like a legit like alt-right like conspiracy and he wouldn't look at the road. He was one of those guys

who couldn't talk without making full contact with your eyes. He was talking and he was turning full around on the highway. We were just trying to avoid conversation with him at all costs. Do you know how many artists have died in transportation accidents?

A lot. Everybody. That's how you die. That's how we die. I was just at a comedy club down in the south. The guy picks me up for press. He is cruising the highway. Absolutely no one's on the highway. It's 6 a.m.

Slamming on brakes. I'm like, dude. So after the weekend, the manager goes, hey, how was press? I go, press was what it was. I thought I was going to die nine times. And she goes, oh, yeah, he has crashed twice with other comics in the car. So why not get a new driver? Get a good driver.

We need a... Comics die in car crashes. We need a good driver. That's important. It's stupid. They don't do anything for us. No, they don't. There's nothing that's going to be done. There's no security at your show. There's nothing. Even if I would have died that weekend, and the next weekend someone would have said how cost to do

and they would have gone you know you didn't sell that many tickets even though I'm dead if you don't sell any tickets in this business they don't care about anything about you it's almost like you're doing something wrong to them how dare you be funny how dare you be funny and not sell tickets they could care less like you're doing something wrong to them. Yeah. How dare you be funny?

Yeah, how dare you be funny and not sell tickets? Yeah, well, they could care less if you're funny or not. It's like, oh, you're selling tickets. They don't give a fuck. They don't care. It's the business. And they're so bad at marketing when they get you at that low price point. That's what I have to do this weekend.

You see them marketing for you. It's like they put you up at the last second on their Instagram with some half-baked quote that they ripped off your Wikipedia. We send the club a month in advance. We send them a video, a flyer, a personal video, and then for a month, we watch their social media, not post anything. Nothing.

We send them the stuff. We literally go, in your inbox, here's a video. Just upload it, and they won't do it. They won't do it. You know these paper straws, I can't even get the coffee out of them. No, they don't fucking work. It doesn't even work. How smart was it for Trump to sell plastic straws?

Yeah. I mean, this is like, that's the ultimate troll move. Trump makes thick plastic, like plastic that's going to be around for millions of years. I'll say it right. Puts Trump on him, sells it, and he sells out. That paper straw is... He is a troll. He's a troll. He's basically a troll president. It's like

Ric Flair is president. After everything he says, he should just go, Woo! Thick plastic straws. Nancy Pelosi's a criminal. Woo! Yeah, well, he's fucking getting my vote And he's getting a lot of people's votes Cause I'm sick and tired of the fucking left

I can't stand them They're fucking suck The kids get my vote He's the only person in politics that doesn't bother me It's Trump Everybody else is lying full of shit Character piece Merchandising website

Where he describes his straws I think it's something like paper straws work as well as democratic ideals. It's fucking great. I mean, he's just straight hammering it down. Because look, you got this delicious coffee right here, but you can't even enjoy it. The straw doesn't even work. No. Trump is the most entertaining president we've ever had. It's like when someone says you want to go see a movie, I'm like, guy, I can't waste two hours not watching the news.

Because this is a 24-hour fucking, it's like watching a Tom Clancy movie. Everyone loves it. Even though you say you hate it, you fucking love it. We are addicted to this shit. Is the thing up? What does it say? Liberal papal struts don't work. Caps. Stand with President Trump and buy your pack of recyclable.

I think that's a new straws today. I wish he would put the half-life of these plastic straws. You know how they do like, yo, this straw will be disintegrated. It's like 15 million years. That is like a thick, strong petroleum plastic. Yeah, that's going to show up in the fucking eye of a turtle. I love how it's a brown kid using the straw, too. Yeah.

I think we call them people of color, but you can go with brown kid if you want. Yeah. Well, he's a brown kid, so he's safe. Oh, God. I couldn't tell. You can't tell? Look at that fucking Mexican face. He looks like he belongs in overalls with that hat on.

Yeah. Going, si, senor. Throwing strawberry. I like how that impression started Mexican and ended Chinese. It's what it is. It's all the same to me. Get him over the wall.

We talk about all the time. I don't have the headphones on. I can't fit it over my hat. What does that mean? It means we're joking. It means we're joking. Oh, phew. Okay, good.

Like if Shane Gillis would have had a Weishan Shins, it might have been cleaned up. Yeah. Yeah. So basically what he meant with the catapult was Chris always talks about how he wants to get a catapult and just get Mike and everybody else who's not from this country and get them over the wall. But just kidding around.

Yeah, he's just kidding around. It's a character piece. It's a character piece. I got on a floppy hat. Just character pieces. Yeah, we do a lot of character pieces. We do a lot of character pieces, but the truth is we commit to them, so people seem not to get mad, but our podcast is here for a good time, not a long time.

Yeah, we're a podcast on a run. Yeah, we're going to get caught eventually, and then it's just what it is. Yeah, but you know what? We will fucking wheel out that catapult, and Mike will go up. He's a long time. Yeah, we're podcasting on a run. Yeah, we're going to get caught eventually. And then it's just what it is. Yeah, but you know what? We will fucking wheel out that catapult. It might well go up. He's a little heavy. He may not make it over the wall, but he's going to fall back down in San Antonio. It's just what it is.

It's just what's going to happen. Yeah, and he's going to explode into Kit Kats. There was a drug catapult the other way, right? They shoot it over the fence. They'll figure it out. So you could just maybe flip it. Because if you think that wall is going to stop drug cartels, it's a multi-trillion dollar business.

If you think that wall is going to stop the drugs from coming in, you got another thing coming. Because you know who likes to do drugs? Who? Kids who are white. White. Well, to be honest with you. And they will not be denied their drugs.

I'd rather just build a wall around these fucking lip tarts. That's what I'd rather. Just build it around Portland. Keep the Mexicans in. Yeah. That fucking hat's the Mexicans in. Yeah. That fucking hat's got him going wild today. Yeah. Shades out.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a character piece. It's just a character piece. That's Paddy Mulroney. My name's Sean Terry. We're a couple firefighters who worked out in the outer boroughs. We've never been to the city, and we haven't met Jews yet. Yeah, we haven't met Jews yet.

Yeah, if you will call. Yeah, just go to my website, NewYorkMetsForTheWin.com and get yourself a Trump straw. Yeah, look, I'm a little down because the Jets lost again and our quarterbacks hurt. Other than that, I'm voting Trump 2020 and that's what it is. Yeah, the Giants took another loss too and it's all right. I love you, Colleen, if you're listening.

And Colleen Jr., he's got a wife, Colleen, and his daughter's Colleen Jr. Colleen Sr., Colleen Jr. Yeah. And I got a dog named Adeen, and his daughter is Colleen Jr. Colleen Sr., Colleen Jr. Yeah. And I got a dog named Adolph. Yeah. Because. Yeah.

Sorry. Mike looks like if you say the joke, and then there's like five things that go into place to just say we're joking in different languages. We have a character piece. It's a character. That's all you have to do. It's what you got to do now. It's kind of like. And so far we've been getting away with it.

And Giannis has made this. Giannis really is the one who realized this. We do so That's what you got to do now. It's kind of like Giannis. And so far, we've been getting away with it. And Giannis has made this. Giannis really is the one who realized this. We do so many, we say so many wild things, or I guess I say so many wild things. Yeah, that would be you. Like Donald Trump. Yeah, Trump does. We're like, you can't pin it on one thing he said, so you just have to just be like, you know what?

You're like, let's get him over here. Oh, shit, he's over here now. He's not guilty of anything then. Yeah, they don't know what to do. Wild. Mike does look like if you squeeze the stomach, he would say, si, senor. Yeah. He's got that kind of look.

He does got that kind of look. Now, let me ask Mike. Mike's a handsome. Do you want kids, Mikey? You'd be a good dad. I feel like you got a good dad vibe about you. I think that would be fun. That would be fun down the road.

Yeah. How old are you now? I'm 40 years old. Are you 40 years old? Because you look fucking fantastic. Are you circumcised? No. I'm circumcised.

My father's not circumcised. Wow. Guy's got a fucking hog. And so the three kids in my family are circumcised, but I didn't know what a foreskin was. How did you know? When you were a kid, you only knew what your dick looked like. And then I remember one time, I did this on stage once. Mine looks like a mini pumpkin.

Yeah, I've seen yours. And my father was explaining to us as a family on a family trip through Gatlinburg, Tennessee, that he was not circumcised. We didn't know what that meant. Right. So then that night at a Days Inn hotel with the lights on in the bathroom, he showed all his sons his foreskin. Yeah.

That was the first time I saw a foreskin. Why were you guys going to Gatlinburg, Tennessee? What was going on there? It was a fun family vacation place. I guess there's like fun stuff to do there. In Gatlinburg, Tennessee? But all I can remember about that trip was seeing my dad's foreskin in the days in. Yeah.

When me and Chris saw our dad's pieces, it was traumatizing because they both have micropenises. Yeah. No, my dad's penis, it's like I can't imagine. He's got so many things, and then to have the dick size, it's crazy. Who was mad at him when they made him? I remember seeing my mom as a young kid. I remember seeing my mom change and stuff. That was no big deal.

But then all of a sudden, I feel like I was 13 when I finally saw my dad's dick. I saw my dad's dick. I was about six years old. It looked like a sprinkle. Yeah, mine looked like chewing gum caught in a Jufro. I'm being dead serious. I think the first time me and my dad Were taking a shower I must have been

Five or six years old I turned around Because I think He was peeing on me Yeah That's hilarious Yeah Swedish

When you're Swedish You're from Scandinavia Right Everyone in the family Sees everyone's genitalia By the time they're like four Because they all do A sauna together

Yeah It's just Let's have a sauna My ex-girlfriend, German, I would go to, Fumes? Go,

or no fumes. I don't know what that means. Fumes or no fumes is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is,

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, There you go. What do your vaginas smell like? So we would go to Grit. Zach, we need this every week, Zach. It's so good. Wow, with the light hits Mike's eyes, I go pewing. Going pewing means he gets turned on because you're too cute.

I know what pewing is. Thank you very much. Yeah, pewing. You also sold me a DVD for $1. We took a family sauna. We took a family sauna. We took a family sauna. Full naked. Everybody.

Fucking my girlfriend at the time, the mom, dad, everybody. What? Yeah, it's weird. So the mom butt naked. Butt naked. No problem. No problem. They flap.

When they go on. You get chopped up? It's normal over there. What are you? She's Greek. Greek. Oh, okay. Got it.

But I one time, I dated this guy from Sweden, and he was like, yeah, we just go to the sauna all together. Was he a fuckboy or the real thing? He was. Fuckboy, Swedish. No, he wasn't a fuckboy. But I just remember. She's a fucking millennial to the bone.

She's a millennial, 26, fuckboys, goes to the Whitney, MoMA, what up, dope, love, mad love, Upper West Side. Fucking shit. Yeah, diversity. Fuck yeah. I love you, Beyonce. Absolutely download. Dope. Love. Mad love. Upper West Side. Yeah, diversity. Fuck yeah. I love you, Beyonce. Absolutely. Download.

Fuck yeah. I fucking love it. Apple Watch. But that's what happened to me. That they all get in the sauna together. I was like, that's really weird, though, because you're seeing a stranger with your family. They're much more relaxed about it. So I didn't understand it.

And I was like like so if i come visit like i'm just gonna go have a sauna with like you and your family it's like yeah that's so normal but if your your family's not about that like okay no we're greek this is yes it is it's really weird but it's way weirder if you're the one person in the sauna wearing like a bathing suit being a pussy about it you know like everyone is everyone is, everyone's naked. And so just get over it. So you just got naked too? Just got naked too. Sitting there,

men, women in the sauna. Then this, this old like German woman comes in with a, a, a like wooden bucket of salt and she rubs it around. It takes this towel and she starts swinging it like this and everybody's sweating. You're looking,

there's just tits and pussy and dick everywhere. It was great. Did the mom have a bush? It was the greatest day of my life. They got bushes out there too right bush yeah german bush you know like yeah absolutely you know yeah you know it's aggressive is what you're saying it's it's look americans we have a real problem with sex and sexuality we are great with violence we are great with gun violence we fucking love every channel guns guns guns but we are

terrible with sexuality. I would strongly argue that if we'd be more open about sex or that people have sex, it would be a much better open society. Maybe Catholic priests wouldn't be fucking molesting every child. Agreed.

Maybe fucking Notre Dame Church wouldn't burn down. Isn't that a sign? It's basically a sign. You know what that was just? That was a segment we call Steel Pipe Michael Costa. Steel Pipe Michael Costa.

Fucking tell it as it is. But it's like, if we are afraid of sex. We are afraid of our bodies. It's crazy. It's ridiculous. So it's always interesting to go to Europe and go like, I always see Europe as like the older America.

They fucking done all this shit already. They fought all the wars. They tried to care about stuff, and now they're just like, yo. And so it's like they're naked. They're cool about sex. In Germany, you'll watch ski jumping. They fucking love ski jumping. You'll turn to the next channel, there's just some girl getting pounded by a dude.

It's like 7 p.m. on TV. There's no big deal. It's true. If you watch American television, you can go from channel to channel 8, 4 p.m., sometimes in the morning, you'll see fucking every channel's like diving gun guy. It's just a guy diving, shooting someone. Explosions, fucking

violence, bullets, illegal arms sales, everything. jackson's nipple was out i didn't even see it i didn't even see there was a congressional healing yes hearing over janet jackson's nip for a quarter of a second it's like it's unbelievable it's true and that's something that feeds that nipple feeds and gives babies, young capitalists, the food they need. I always say, don't capitalists want more capitalists? You want more capitalists, so we should be better with titties and breast milk. Come on, let's create more capitalists. I know even European girls, they don't care what your body looks like at all. that's like, I know even like European girls,

they don't care what your body looks like at all. They're like, are you a guy? Can you protect me? But like me, I won't even take my daughter for fucking swim classes because I have tits. You wear like three white t-shirts. Yeah. Yeah. But let's be honest, though.

Can we get honest a little bit? Can we get CC about it? Crystal clear? Isn't it a little hotter? It's almost worth being Catholic for breaking the rules. I don't think anything's worth being Catholic. Yeah, no, it's a good point.

Mom, he doesn't mean what he says, Mom. You're putting your kids at risk for sure. Get out of my Thanksgiving now, Mike. Just go along hypothetical. I'm going with you. You've probably hooked up with Catholic women. I think so, yeah. Fuck my sister! There's something Hypothetical. I'm going with you. You've probably hooked up with Catholic women. I think so. Yeah, probably. Fuck my sister!

There's something hot about when you can't. If you just show the whole thing and are too open, then maybe people get weird that way too. Maybe it's the middle we need. Maxim is hotter than Penthouse. Yeah. Because you're like, oh shit. you know, as opposed to just like, here's a chick like pissing in a fountain or something.

A naked woman to me is not as sexy as like one of those sundresses where you can see the curvature. Exactly. I said it wrong, but you get the point. I get it. I'm telling you, anytime I get a DM,

I've talked about this from a woman and it's just like open stuff like that. I don't love it. But when it's like a little bit more, like it's just like a bra and thong, like that's nice. Snapchat, CD, TV. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what?

I like when you say that because the truth is not that. The truth is whatever DM you get, you're going to get – whoever's sending that DM is going to get banged out. No, the truth is this. you're going to get whoever's sending that DM is going to get banged out no the truth is this whenever you DM me ass, tits, cock

post up I just double tap it and I go thanks babe and I move on that's just the truth I mean I can't tell you how many gay guys penises I've responded to

because I'm just not looking at the messages I'm just double tapping and going thanks babe and moving on to the next message so just so if you DM me Christy Comedy

on Instagram Snapchat CDTV I don't I don't really look at it. I just double tap it and go, thanks, babe. Yeah. It's just what it is. Yeah, Zach Isis just pulled up some –

What's this, tranny? Oh, sundress, like you said. Sundress. What he means by tranny is he means transgender. Transgender. I apologize. We can't – yeah. Now here's a question I want to ask Michael Kosta now that I'm here.

I apologize. We can't, yeah. Now here's a question I want to ask Michael Kosta now that I'm here. When you go in, when you started working at The Daily Show, how many times did you have to apologize for being a white man before you started? Was there like a cathartic meeting

where you had to come in? No, I've never had to apologize for being a white man. They're a great staff. Actually, Ronnie's a fucking great comic. Ronnie Chang? Ronnie Chang is a great comic. He's a great comic, great guy. Yeah, he's a good comic.

Yeah. Does he do comedy in English, though? Wei Songxian. Jesus Christ. I'm just kidding. Ronnie's a good friend of mine. He would think it was funny. Yeah, that's the thing.

Ronnie would think it was funny, but this fat fucking probably PR person, Barbara, will fire me. But Ronnie thinks it's hilarious. Ronnie's a great guy. Yeah. And Ronnie said he hates white people. He doesn't hate white people. No, I'm just trying to balance it.

I'm just kidding around. Ronnie Chang's a good friend. Trevor's actually a really good guy. He really is a great guy. I know that for personal reasons, things that he's done personally that nobody knows about that. I will always have respect for him

no matter how many jokes I hear he stole. Can I get a Wei Zhongxin? Wei Zhongxin! No, he is really a great kid, Trevor Noah. He truly is. No, he honestly, he honestly. No, he truly is for personal reasons. Every time I've met Trevor Noah, he's just been like just a nice, kind guy.

Yeah. And you talk about a guy who fucking works, dude. He's doing The Daily Show, and then he's still on world tours. I know. I mean, it's insane. It's like, what other TV host is still touring with stand-up comedy? I get to work with Ronnie Chang. I get to work with... Roy Wood Jr. is the best.

Roy Wood Jr. is the best. Jaboukie Young-White. Every day I go to a comedy day job, I'm very, very, very fortunate to have the job. Is it perfect? No. Is every fucking job perfect? No. Anytime you've done any TV thing where there's comedy, are there a lot of people giving feedback?

And as stand-up comics, we get to say and do what we want all the time. So it's always a challenge when there's a group of people saying, try this, try this. Of course that's hard. But, dude, best comedy job I've ever had in my life. And it's a great show to tell to people. Yeah, I mean, like everybody mentioned, I mean, Roy, Ronnie. Actually, those are hilarious.

Don't say. Yeah, well, I don't know. Jaboukie Roy, Ronnie. Actually, those are... I mean, these people are hilarious. Dulce. Yeah, well, I don't know... Jaboukie is so funny. Jaboukie is great. I don't know him. Desi's not a stand-up comic, but it's just a great place to work in, you know. The three that I know... It was a great place to work until this history high-end...

No, they don't listen to this shit. We're too far down the line. I'm telling you, everyone just loves us. I don't know what it is. It's Chrissy's charisma. They're not... They won't listen to this. Trust me.

Don't worry about it. I just did the stupid questions with the Jaboukie young white kid. You would think, because we got along great, and he's fucking so funny, and I was saying wild shit, and he was just laughing at it. He's great. He's just a good kid. He gets good. If it's funny, it's funny.

What are you going to do? I mean, yeah, we live in this time now where- I'm always a home run, but- Yeah, we miss a lot, but Steph Curry know, like Steph Curry fucking only only shoots 40 percent, 45 percent from three. He misses six out of 10. Nobody criticizes him for that. I don't. The problem is not that we're missing or we're offensive.

The problem is like, why are comedians expected to fucking talk like politicians? I'm not a teacher. Yeah, we're here to be honest. I know. Yeah, we're here to be honest. I do a show Tuesday nights at New York Comedy Club. It's called Nice Try. It's only new teacher. Yeah. We're here to be honest. I know. We're here to be honest. I do a show Tuesday nights at New York Comedy Club. It's called Nice Try. It's only new jokes.

Okay? I do new jokes. Everyone does new jokes. I wanted to start the show because we have to show people how many shots you take to come up to make one. Good call. You want comics to feel free to try and to fail. Every great joke started as a failure, probably.

You rewrote it. You tried it out. But why are we being held to a standard? Why are you reporting on it? It's because it's powerful. And that's good for us. What's powerful? When a comic does tell the truth, it is powerful.

And so people get worried. Oh, shit, this person is powerful. But it doesn't matter because why are we being held to the standard? We're being held to a higher standard than the President of the United States. It's crazy. I don't see it as powerful. I think it's weird.

I disagree. John disagrees with the guest. I gotta disagree. Is that fucking allowed? I know. Get him, Yannis. All the shit that I just said, but I got the floppy hat on. I'm not taking a stance know. It's supposed to be the get-so-is-right. Get him, Yonah. All the shit that I just said, right? But I got the floppy hat on. I'm not taking a stance.

What he's about to say right now will get us all canceled. Here we go. So it's just what it is. I value you. It's just how the world works. I value Yonah's opinion. But what he's going to say is probably the truth and very smart. But I'll yell a slur and people are just like, yeah.

It's very disturbing. Let's hear it. It's actually disturbing. Disturbing. Let's hear it. It's actually disturbing. It's disturbing that there are quote unquote journalists and actual reputable or erstwhile reputable media outlets who are covering comedians' jokes. Yes.

And we're not talking about top level comedians. We're not talking about like Eddie Murphy said this thing or Eddie Murphy was in the presence of some Danish royalty and he said something. We're talking about they're digging into podcasts at the Creek in the Cave and that's showing up in an article in the New York Times reporting as one of its major stories that a new higher young comic said something wrong on a fucking podcast. We don't have any power. We don't end up ever holding office or anything like that unless

you're Al Franken. He was never that funny anyway. So you can't really call him a comic. I'm joking. Al Franken is the outlier. He was a great comic and then moved into politics. But even he has said publicly, I had to stop. I had to make it very clear I was no longer a comic. Can you quickly Google Bricky the border wall?

I dressed up as a wall, as Trump's wall. Chris is listening. Yeah, now I'm perked up. And I went to... They got that at 38? It should be a picture of me. Yeah, okay, so there it is. So then I go to this El Paso Trump rally.

This is me, dressed as a fucking bricky the border wall. And I talk to him like this. Hey, I'm bricky the border wall, right? Okay, so... Everyone that came up to us said, what is this?

And we would go, we're the Daily Show. Right, we're the Daily Show. We'd just say, we're The Daily Show. Because we're just not trying to trick you. We're The Daily Show. Yeah. Next day, New York Times, front AP, this picture probably, AP.

Isn't that, that's Associated Press. Yeah. That's our highest level. Yeah. A Trump supporter dresses as Bricky the border watch. Look, this wasn't a blog. Yeah. This was the A fucking P. if they came up to us and just

said who are you we would say we're with comedy central in the daily show we say that to protect ourselves legally by the way we're also the trump supporters love it if i get over here with the brick of the border wall yeah no one does their fucking homework nobody does it it's sad i was in the front page of the new york times as a trump supporter. It's all lazy. It's lazy. It's fucking ask us the fucking question, man. The standard has dropped so much. And also there's just- Well, thanks, kids. There's so many people who want to be journalists and they can just write now and write stuff

and articles are free. And the gazettes and the media outlets need content just like everyone needs content. So it's like, boom, another story. Let's roll with it. It's got juicy headlines. Roll with it. They're fucking crack addicts for clicks. They are junkies.

Twitter needs to end. The media. Journalists should not have personal fucking. Twitter needs to end. You should be a real journalist having a personal fucking Twitter account. I don't care what your fucking opinion is. Tell me the fucking news. That's it, guy.

That's it, guy. They're under pressure to tweet quickly and with a headline. And so I understand they're like, oh, we got to get it out. Twitter needs to end. If we were going to talk about Prohibition, which was the 14-year noble experiment to eliminate alcohol from the United States, I think we should try Prohibition on fucking the internet. Absolutely. Let's try it prohibition on fucking the internet. Absolutely. Let's try it.

Let's try the experiment. My father has an eighth grade education. When Twitter came out, whatever it was, 2008, 2009, he said, I remember he was like, you see this Twitter tweet thing? I said, yeah. He goes, this is going to be a big problem because not everybody's supposed to be heard from. And he was right. He's like, most people are supposed to have their mouth shut.

That's amazing. And then he fucking put 2,000 on the X-Bus. It is? Yeah, no, that's when he ruined the marriage with my mother for it, for the fucking Montreal Expos. Then we had to hide in Lancaster, Pennsylvania for $20. His dad likes to have a little juice on games. It's just what it is.

Get a little juice. But he's got to go to the dentist. I think it's also funny that the Expos at one point were half in Costa Rica, half in Montreal. Do you remember that? Where's the Costa Rica? Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico.

Yeah. They would fucking... Both their home games were played there. Yeah. They're good at thinking about bringing that back now, too. Yeah. Montreal, I don't know if... Yeah, Montreal likes hockey, but I would love the X-Bow. What a classic logo. The best, I think.

It's my favorite logo of all time, just like artistically. I just think it's beautiful. Yeah, it means different things. But you know, Kossage is prohibition. You know what's interesting? I was just in Savannah. They have a prohibition museum there. It's one of the best.

That would be fun. It's one of the best museum experiences I've ever had. Completely underrated, off the radar. I didn't expect it. They got Nazi stuff there too, right? That was a private. No, that was at a private military museum. That was just dinner?

We're going. We're going. It's going to be wild. Because he was sending to the group chat, he was sending Nazi and Confederate flag stuff. I got a lot,

I saw a lot of relics and this is crazy, but to your point about prohibition, which is interesting to me. I like when he starts to talk low. Yeah.

Was, you know, prohibition happened here and it was led mostly by women. Yeah. A lot of women. Women's Christian temperance. Yeah. Where they were like, you know prohibition happened here and it was it was led mostly by women yeah a lot of women women's Christian temperance yeah

where they were like you know it was just kind of this this puritanical fascist tendency it always it's a it's a part of America

and it manifests itself at different times in different ways because when I was reading about these women and how they were like trying to achieve this utopia

of everyone to stop drinking, stop drinking, and be perfect, and everything will be perfect when we get rid of drinking, it kind of reminded me of the woke squad a little bit. It's like the rich white woman asking for the manager at the restaurant. It's that. The woke kids have that same vibe, that kind of

puritanical, fanatical kind of thing where they're like, be perfect. Be perfect. It reminds me. It's like, guy, nothing's perfect. The woke kids, they remind me of that in Game of Thrones, that fucking religious cult when they make Cersei walk through.

Every time I see some woke bullshit, I'm like, that's who you are, guy. And you know what we're going to have to do? What are we going to have to do? We're going to have to take Mike Emoji Face and we're going to have to walk him through that and throw cheeseburgers at him until he goes on a diet. It's what it is.

Because no more Slurpees for you. No, what are you talking about? Mike looks good now. He's a cute fucking kid. I'm just trying to make a joke. Don't make it real. Let me do the Mike jokes because I know how to hit him soft.

I can stomach. Did I cut? That was a little too harsh? No, it's great. Yeah, Zach is having a bad day. Look at the headphones. Step back. He's got a cowlick on.

I mean, he's having a long day. The kid's got a point right now. What's going on with you, Zach? He can't afford a real haircut anymore. That's his, his mom did that with scissors. Yeah, he's an hour, he was an hour and a half late.

I mean, the kid just doesn't care. Yeah, the kid's, I told everybody in the group chat, I said, listen, we got big things coming up. There's going to be a German mindset for Monday and the kid shows up late. I mean, the kid just doesn't care. I told everybody in the group chat, I said, listen, we got big things coming up. There's going to be a German mindset for Monday and the kid shows up late. Well, he just was celebrating because Trump

is going to pull troops out and not protect the Kurds anymore. Him and his Turkish brothers are about to go steamroll some Kurds. Well, it's like you've had long enough. It's like everybody's got obstacles, guy. Figure it out. No, it's not good what he's doing, Chris. Oh, all right. It's a character piece.

Latin 14. I'm just kidding. I thought that, all right. Sometimes I don't know what to say. A lot of people on the right also disagree with that. Okay, fine. Yeah. I mean, he's doing it.

You guys are a great balance of each other. Yeah, that's what it is. I know you know that. That's why you guys are friends. But it is a wonderful balance. So how have you been able to navigate as a tall, good-looking, straight, white male in this business? You get a lot of stuff, Mike. Because he's funny first.

He's funny first. He's handsome. He's tall. And he's also kind of sending. Oh, and he's got an hour special. Yeah. And he's sardonic. I love his humor because he can be sardonic, but then he pulls it back.

So he'll say a little jab at you, but then he'll be like, hey, I'm just a guy. But that's humor. That's where his talent comes in. It's humor because he's smart. In my family, you never told anybody you loved them. That would have been embarrassing. You just made fun of somebody. You're smart.

You're teasing. And that's the good. What's that? You just showed your foreskin. Yeah, I showed my foreskin. You got foreskin, Mike? Are you circumcised? I am circumcised.

Yeah? Yeah. Nice. What about, okay. So yeah, so that's, you knowcised. Yeah? Yeah. Nice. What about, okay. So yeah, so that's, you know. Let me take a peek. Okay. Did you miss a couple hugs?

No, we felt very loved, but I came back and I was like, you know, fuck this. I'm going to tell my dad I love him. Like, why? Everyone else I know says they love. So I was like, all right, dad, I love you. Oh, have a good, you know, you can't handle it. Yeah. No, it was.

Now it's better. Now they're older. It's better. It literally, for me, my mom never says I love you oh have a good you know you can't handle it yeah no it was now it's better now they're older it's better it literally for me my mom never says i love you she just says love you which hurts and my dad when i was a kid never said i love you but he would kiss me on the lips so it's weird right your mom would say jesus loves you though my mother would she would never say i love you she still to this day just says love you yeah It's a very complicated thing. That doesn't seem far from I love you than love you. Love you is more casual.

I love you and love you is a different thing. Especially from your mother. Let's call right now and get to the bottom of it. I tell the baby that I love her. I make sure I say I. Not your mother. I love you. I was just told love you. And my dad would say I love you. He says it now recently because there's been some mistakes made. Well, let's just be honest.

There's a reason the three of us are comedians. We missed a few hugs. Yeah. There's some void. For you to stand up on a wood plank for chicken fingers and ask strangers to love you. Drink tickets. Your parents didn't say I love you. Yeah.

It's what it is. Yeah, because most normal people don't understand, especially in the beginning. They're like, why would you start? Why would you pay comedy clubs and do these things to get on stage to tell jokes when nobody cares and it's not funny? It's because we need love. And it's like, yeah, because it's like I just need love. And also like I don't know. I don't have the answer.

It just feels better to do this than to just go home and just have my mom go love you and then give me a stovetop. Mike, did your abuela say I love you? Abuelita? My grandmother? Yeah. Did abuela say? She said? One of them did. Yeah. And the other one didn't. And that's why you became

a comic. Yeah. My mom didn't say it a lot. Did your dad say he loves you before he fell, or he died face first to a plate of mofongo? It's actually Puerto Rican food. I'm sorry. My dad died falling off a roof. City, really? That's nice. Oh, I thought he died of a massive heart attack. He had a heart attack.

And either had a heart attack and fell off a roof, or fell off a roof and had a heart attack. Just either way, they just know he died after. Either way, Jesus wanted him. Jesus called him down. Well, we would like to, but Mike has to be out already. I got to run, guys. I'm getting text messages that are saying, hey, you're in the office. Where are you?

So I got to go. Okay. This might actually Have been my last Stanley Daily Show You gotta go You gotta They're saying

How come you're not at work Right now Say listen guys Let him go Yeah I know We're gonna let him go Alright go I will say yes

To anything you guys ever do I love both you guys You're both so funny You've always been funny And you're cool people And nice people We love you Michael Tell people where you're gonna be

Where they can find you MichaelCosta.com. It's all there, okay? You want to talk about tennis? Check me out. Tennis Anyone Podcast. Go to MichaelCosta.com, everybody. Yeah.

Well, we had a great conversation about Monica Seles when the mics were off. Yeah. I guess just go to our Patreon, and we're going to talk about Monica Seles on Patreon. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. We'll keep going, though, right? Where are we?

No, we're at over an hour. Oh, we're done, guys. Thank you, guys. Bye. Thank you. Bye, Mikey. Thank you guys bye thank you bye bye Mikey yo you can get off

but yo you can check me out we gotta plug our dates every show now yeah guy and give me the sponsors no no we're gonna do that with Billy Burr

we gotta do it this episode we gotta do it just throw me the page guy this is next week's episode oh okay but the Patreon members were doing on Billy

what the fuck would we do without Mike and Venky and Zach? Just real quick, christycomedy.com. Check me out. I'll be at Madison Comedy Club, Comedy Club on State. And then I got Gotham Comedy Club, November 29th and 30th. Come to the shows. And then by this time, we've already announced our shows, right?

Yes. November 8th and 9th. November 8th, The Stand. It's already sold out. November 9th, Gramercy Theater. Midnight, Gramercy Theater. November 9th, The Live History Hyena Show.

The ticket link is up on our Patreon. It's up on our History Hyenas Instagram. Go get tickets. They might already be sold out by now. Yeah. Go do that. And I will be in Jamestown, New York. That's it. That's all there is. Where's that gig? Jamestown, New York. That's it. That's all there is. Where's that gig? Jamestown, New York at the

National Comedy Museum doing two shows. See you later, Mikey. The date is the 18th. So I'll be there this month, the 18th. But listen, most importantly, come to our fucking show on the 9th. Get tickets. The Tinker Licks up.

Go to all our social media, Twitter, Instagram. It's up. It's up. History Hyena. So it's for the New York Comedy Festival. We're going to pick the topic. Yes. We'll figure it all out.

But go get your tickets right now. History Hyena's live for the New York Comedy Festival. So go get your tickets. If you haven't already, it might be sold out already. We don't know. And we're brought to you by 9th Street Auto Collision. Guys, out there on the island, 631-351-5300. It's a family business.

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If you've got anxiety, just do it. Or if you're just a fucking loser who likes to get high, just get your CBD oil. Yeah, if you just can't get over your obstacles, just do the CBD. Yeah, just do your CBD. I mean, it's just fashionable now to be like, I can't do this, I can't do that.

If you just fucking can, if you just want to be an FF, just take the CBD. Just take the CBD. If you're going to do it, just that's the company to do it with. Yeah, CBDscript.com. Everyone loves CBD. If you're going to do it, just that's the company to do it with. Yeah, CBDscript.com. Everyone loves CBD. We're also brought to you by A Healthy Smile Family and Cosmetic Dentistry.

That's ahealthyhappysmile.com. Follow them on Instagram at ahealthysmilerockhill. You know who it is, Dr. Harvey Spencer Jr. and his pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-piece of a wife. They're down there in South Carolina. Take the drive. Make a video of it. Our first sponsor.

We love him very much. Also, Nutrition Made Fun. This kid's trying to get screwed in. He is screwed in. He's doing well. Yeah, and one of the funniest comments I've ever... It had me laughing for a couple minutes. Some kid said,

Do you offer a workout where we could take a resistance band and pull your eyes closer together? Yeah. 10 out of 10. So give it up for Matt Koch, our official nutritionist, man. Seriously, go check him out. We want you guys to be healthy.

Your first job in life is to be healthy at all times. So go to Nutrition Made Fun on the gram. He's offering an exclusive plan for hyena fans. He gives you a little discount. Kids' prices are fucking steep, though. But you get the results. You get the fucking results. The kid is good.

Just chew your food slow. Chew your food slow and listen to the kid. He's actually really smart. He works with everyone individually. So go check out Nutrition Made Fun. And, of course, our newest sponsor, Cedra Azizi. This kid is wild. He looks wild, too.

Yeah, he sent a picture of the turkey with Slurpee when he was doing that face. Yeah, the kid's a doctor. He wants to be a comic. He's a sneakerhead. I mean, the kid's fucking certifiably insane. Yeah. If I need to get some surgery done, I'm not going to Cedra Azizi because the kid's got a sneaker collection. Yeah, that's just what it is.

I don't want my doctor to have Jordans on. Yeah, he's one of these kids you just can't put a pin in them. Anyway, he's one of these good Sandra Dees, and he's a New York-based GI doctor. He's got a YouTube channel. Check it out where he talks about sneaker history, inspirational talk. We're just kidding. He's a doctor. Kid's fucking smart.

Go see him. Seriously. Yeah. Dr. Soles. Follow Dr. Soles on Instagram and YouTube. And, of course, our main man. I'm going to be posting shit for you soon, too. Lakeside Maple.

Go get it. Somebody bought it and posted it in their stories. Thank you. Do that. Support our inaugural sponsors. These are the kids who helped us get off the ground. We're loyal fucking kids. I mean, you can see Zach's still here.

We're fucking loyal. Loyal kids. Yeah. So go buy some Lakeside Maple. It's great, man. It's trail mix. Lakesidemaple.com. Put it in your fucking yogurt.

Put it in your asshole. That's what Chris does with it. That's what it is. Put it all over someone's cock and lick it off. Yeah. Whatever you want to do, go to lakesidemapl.com. When you order it, put your promo code WILD in for 15% off your offer. Take a picture.

Put it in our stories. We'll repost it. You bunch of FFs. Yeah. Thank you. That was the episode. Make sure you go to our website, Strainers.com. Make sure you get the t-shirts, On The Volley,

Teespring, Spreadshop, and post your pictures of them online. Tag us in them. Yeah, and follow Mike and wherever Mike's doing comedy and don't even try to request a vanatia. She's Greek and her dad said no.

At Mike V. Torres. All right. Yeah! Hey, yo!