History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - A Prostitute’s RISE to Empress

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

Live from The Lincoln Theater in Washington DC, Chrissie & Yanni cover a vicious toot who became a ruthless and effective ruler. The only prostitute to ever do so in history. Empress Theodora was truly for Constantinople and wild! Suport our Sponsors: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to https://RocketMoney.com/hyenas today. Download the PrizePicks app today and use code HYENAS https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/HYENAS #comedy #Podcast #History Join our Patreon at 👇 https://www.patreon.com/historyhyenas/ Subscribe to the poddy woddy Our YouTube!: https://bit.ly/2ARdDOz HH Clips:https://bit.ly/2YaK2Z8 iTunes: https://apple.co/2UQTHCc Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fxtsc0 Hyenas Merch!!! https://teespring.com/stores/historyhyenas Follow us Cuz! 🙆🏻‍♂️ Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ 🙆🏼‍♂️ Chris Distefano Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website - https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ 🐕More Hyenas Website: www.historyhyenasisback.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/historyhyenas/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HistoryHyenas Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/historyhyenaspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, what's going on everybody? How you doing? This is Sean Terry, Ladder 14. And this is Patrick Mulroney, Ladder 14. Of course we're down here, of course for the inauguration. As you know, we came down here and we're very excited for the big boy to get in office. You know, we're not going to be performing tonight because that's going to be the liberal kid with the small head, Janis, and the fucking helmet head, Chrissy. They're going to do a couple of skits for you here at 5 p.m. So this is basically a children's show.

Yeah, it's what it is. I had to do an early show because you know, Colleen threw me out of the house because she saw that I was bangatoots again. I mean, well, not me, Patrick Mulrooney. Yeah, no, that's Patrick Mulrooney. Yeah, hopefully there's some grandmothers out there. We wanted this show to be nice and early

for the grandmothers and for all you people who were upset that Trump's been inaugurated. You might have had to close your stores down and board them up because tomorrow there's a chance of tear gas. Nice, that was a good one. We finally got a laugh. Yeah, that's all we needed. So I wanted to say to you people, welcome Yannis Papas and Chris DiStefano, the history

hyenas everybody Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Look at this crowd. We are sold out at the Howard Theater. Yes, we are. We are sold out at a different theater. Yes! That's it. Hello, everyone. How you guys doing?

Everybody doing good? Thank you. We had to go through 14 security checks to get into this city. I feel like I'm living in Gaza Yes, it's what it is Congratulations, um, you know listen America, you know, we'll see what happens on Monday. No, we know it's gonna happen on Monday Oh, yeah, it's a done deal. Oh, yeah, it's a done deal Well, I'm sorry look at the crowd and see who is very upset about that right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

I this section is not happy over here. Yeah, the guy sitting over there. He is very happy about the situation He is very happy and the Mexican kids sitting in front is very nervous. Yeah, this is his last day in America Perhaps maybe yeah, he's gonna get he's worried about getting in that catapult. He might be in a catapult tomorrow Yeah going right over a wall now look we are the history hyenas and make no mistake We pick the worst weekend to come to watch the day absolutely and that's And we just and we didn't really think about that until three days ago

Yeah, to be honest with you. It didn't really hit me until about three hours ago. Yeah. Well, I was like, this was probably a dumb move. And what can you do? But we are here now. I am Chris DiStefano, a.k.a. Chrisi Constitutions. And this is Giannis Pappas, a.k.a.

King of the Castle, feet of the Queen. Yeah. He's got women's feet. I got nice feet. And we do know, we have figured out that we do know each other in a previous life. We have been reincarnated. And in that previous life, we were both girls

and we were friends. We were. We were friends and we're girls. And we're here. And we're going to have a good, really good, fun episode. And here's the truth of the situation. Here's the truth, Bader Ginsburg, that you need to understand tonight,

is that we did this episode on Monday. And we did it live at the Stan Comedy Club, and they lost the footage. And they didn't have the footage, because the owner's a fat piece of shit, and he ate it. He ate it. And so we decided, you know what,

because we're wild kids, we're just gonna do the episode again for the people here at the Lincoln Theater where this show is sold out at the Howard Theater. Yeah, that's right. We should have did this at the Howard Theater. It would be sold out, but we were just informed that the Howard Theater would probably have been worse because people are scared of that block, apparently.

Yeah. I don't know where it is, but they said that there's people that are doing crack outside the venue. I said, that's just Washington, D.C. Yeah. I don't know where it is but they said that there's people that are doing crack outside the venue. I said that's just Washington DC. Yeah. DC is very block to block. You're on one block and you're like walking next to like a senator's aide and then you turn the corner and someone just calls you a fucking cracker. Yes. That happened to us today. I swear to Christ. I swear on our lives, we were walking down the block looking for sandwiches and some black lady was sitting on the stairs crying. I swear to God she's hysterical crying, she's crazy and then we walked past and she said, don't look at me you fucking crackers. Yeah. I swear to God. And I loved it because I haven't been called

a cracker in a really long time. And then we thought it was hilarious, and then she got up and started chasing us and called us f**ks. So that's what happened. Swear to God. I'm not saying that, that's what she called us. And then we turned around to her and we said, now that one's accurate. Now that one you nailed.

Yeah. That one you got. Speaking of that, speaking of that word, we forgot to do what we always do to start every live show and every show is we gotta to let out the game. Got to get it out. So on three, let's do it collectively. One, two, three.

Yes! And we get it out. Yes. Now I feel straight. Do you know the history hyenas, sir? You have no idea. You do know what's good. Did you listen to last week's episode?

Yeah. What? You did? Because you just look like you want to... Are you saying no? You do. Are you saying no, but you're shaking your head yes? Yes. So you don't know, so you don't know what's going on at all right now?

You're just in the front row of something you don't know. Well, here's what I know is you graduated from UCF. Yes. And some people know what that means, and if you know, you know, and if you don't, you don't. Do you know what it means? Who knows what UCF means? Do you know what UCF means, sir? Yeah. Do you know what it is? I knows what UCF means? Do you know what UCF means, sir? Do you know what it is?

I can't say it. Can we say it? No, he doesn't look like, no, you can't say it because we already hit one. Right. But could I say it because it's a, okay, how about about- Undercover Fodgy. Yeah, well how about I don't say it,

but Patrick Maruni said it. Yeah, Patrick Maruni can say it. You know, this guy's UCF, if you listen to last week's episode, the history of the Aeneas, they had a different day. You know, this guy is UCF. If you listen to last week's episode, the history ain't as bad, a funny bit. They said that UCF stands for undercover. Yeah. Yeah.

And they said that they wanted the kids to go around and point at people and say, you go to UCF, you go to UCF, you go to UCF. And then Chrissy just saw a guy in the front row and it looks like he's the dean of UCF. Yeah. He does. Yeah.

Yeah. Unfortunately, he looks like a kid who was of UCF. Yeah, he does Yeah, yeah Unfortunately, he looks like a kid who was in Atlantic City and he won a little money and he went to the store bought that shirt That's really like it's what it is. And he does look like a kid. That's probably crying cuz Trump won. Yeah, no Yeah, yeah, are you happy or you upset the Trump one? Huh? Happy. Oh, he's happy Okay, there he is. There he is. That's not very, that's not a comfortable thing for you in this town. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah. This town is not, is not big on that. So I know, I know you drew from that, from that. I know you probably drove in from Richmond, Virginia. Yes, the capital! Yeah, those guys look like they got a deer in their freezer for a year. Yes.

Those guys are not from the DC metro area. No, no. Those and if they are, they were definitely there January 6th having fun, fun, fun. Yeah, they were. Yeah. They were prancing. They were at January 6th and they celebrate January 6th. I think it's a holiday in their house. Cause you said January like a little baby. They do it on January. Yeah. It's January 6th. Is it a holiday in your house where you have like an AOC pinata and you pin the tail Do you zip tie grandma on January 6? Cuz you look like you are the fitness instructor at UCF. I mean you are Jack Yeah, I mean the kid is Jack and he is a UCF alum big yeah

I like cuz and you look good by the way look good today. Let me just does. And you look good, by the way. I look good today? Let me just tell you something. You look good. You look jack. Yes. And when I saw him this morning, the first thing I said is he's very lucky because today is a live show and he has hair today. Because as you know, Yannis doesn't have a good hair day. Oh, my mic went out.

Yeah. Is it back on now? It's back. Yannis doesn't have a good hair day or a bad hair day. He just has a hair day or a no hair day. That's how it goes. And today he's got hair, so it's nice to see to see yeah and it's good to see just all types of people here look at this I do see I do see a muzzy yes we we do see him yeah

that or someone who's very cold yes we just got to know that one is gonna know that maybe can we edit that part out or this is live. Yeah, just leave it in. Yeah. But yes, thank you for being here. Praise be to Allah. Yeah. I like Allah.

He was a good person. Allah, yes. Yeah, he was great. He was a good dude. That means God. That's all that means. That's all that means and I like fucking Allah, dude. I love Allah.

We love all people and we love to bring people together. We just like the jokes. So it's good to see you all come out. We're going to do a fun episode. Are you guys ready to start this episode, everybody? We're going to do a fun episode. Now, okay. Now, here's, okay, so we got to make sure the cameras are on.

Are there any Chinese people here? Okay, so if there's too few Chinese people here, we do feel safe because we know at least if our cameras go down, you're at least recording it for your government. That's right. And at least we have the footage and we you're at least recording it for your government. That's right. And at least we have the footage and we will go to the CCP because make no mistake, Donald Trump Jr. liked the post of mine so I know the president. Yeah, there was no reason to sit down but we just choreographed a fucking show. And these chairs are absolutely fucking falling apart.

I mean these, yeah, it's what it is because those- This is not even a real chair. This is made out of cookies. Yeah, that's a fucking Howard The those even a real chair. This is not made out of cookies Yeah, that's a fucking Howard theaters chair where we are sold out Yes, we are too far back cuz they just we need a table We should we go I mean they just went on Etsy and bought these for 1399 It's what it is. Yeah, cuz you are for the table and we need a fucking table There's no reason to put right. Yeah, let's just do that

Yeah, I don't know why we're too far from the audience. Yeah, this is fucking Frank This is a Franks and Beans fucking idea. This kid wants us to sit in his lap. Yes, you really do the kids going pure Yeah, he's going pure. He wants to sit his lap Yeah, we went we had lunch. We had a good day. We went we cute hunted We went looked at the monuments. They're all closed down. You can't get downtown. What are you people still doing in the city? It's gonna be a riot tomorrow Yeah, it's gonna be bad and we did eat Washington DC pizza and my advice on that is don't do it. It's gross It's fucking gross, dude. I'd rather sit through four more years of Biden and eat that pizza I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm obvious. I'm just kidding. Yeah pizza I'm just kidding I'm just kidding I'm obvious Allah I'm just kidding yeah yeah but that speaks to us that speaks to us and our beautiful people from all

over we got and it's a beautiful thing we got Latinos we got Chinese we got gays we got mussies we got Democrats we got Republicans I mean we got Republicans we got Democrats I mean yeah look at the way you're sitting you're sitting like a Republican and I'm sitting like a Democrat. What it is, because... I'm sitting like a snarky Democrat. I want nothing to do with those people in the Rust Belt. It's what it is, and I know that already this morning someone here is at the show that was

complaining about the added ticket fee that we have no control over, So I know that at the very least there is peace here because we know that that guy's a Jew and we have a Muslim here as well. Yes. So we know we got Jews and Muzzies here and this is the way to heal it is we heal it through history hyenas. Heal it through history hyenas

and there's only one person I want to apologize to right now. It's that girl sitting right there. She had no idea that the speaker was gonna block the entire show. Yes. So I'm sorry we're not on st the speaker was going to block the entire show. Yes. So I'm sorry we're not on stools and you can just see the top of my head. The speaker. It's not a big target.

It's a tiny little head. Would you like to move here in these two middle seats next to the Dean of UCF? Yeah, would you like that? We'd like to do that. We'd like to have you move up here in the front, give you a better seat because we do support DEI. We are inclusive. There's two seats, but are you cool over there?

Because you might be. Do you like it better's two seats, but are you cool over there? Because you might be. Do you like it better over there? Can you see me here? I know your boyfriend dragged you to the show, and you don't know what the fuck's going on. He has no idea what's going on. I'll go to you with this if you come to me to Giggly Squad. Yes.

Yes. Is that what happened? Yeah, you got dragged here. You have no idea what's going on. You have no actual clue what's happening. She's just like, who are these two racist white guys? I hate these fucking guys. We're just doing a character piece.

We're just getting around. It's just total character piece. Absolutely. You know, we're very diverse. My family's Puerto Rican. And for the bit. Yeah. Yeah.

For my career. No, I'm kidding. I have a beautiful Puerto Rican multi-cultural fucking diverse family. Oh, I love that. Fuck yeah. Yannis. And the thing is, cuz, is the way you're sitting is bothering me. I mean, cuz, you got your legs crossed like a fucking therapist and it's just pissing me off, and you're just, yeah! Because it's what it is, because we've discussed this, your brother, whose apartment we're staying in, who's not here, who isn't openly gay man.

He's the one that told me, he's like, you're doing a show this week and my brother's gay and he's a very, very snarky Democrat. Yes. And he said, you're doing a show this weekend? He goes, I am fucking out of here I'm going to a beach in Mexico and I may never come back to Trump's America Yeah, he's just not gonna come and he is confirmed homosexual because when I opened up his refrigerator

He had a lemon cello seltzer. I said so he might as well have just been bubbly come. Yeah, I mean, yeah He also had a book on the bookshelf called Homosexuality. He did. He did. And then he had another book that said, it was just named The Man's Body. So it's just what it is.

And he, and so you shared the same womb as him. So as we've said before, you did get nicked. I got nicked. You are gayer than I am, even though I'm the one who had sex with men. Yeah. So once at Houston it happened. Yeah.

And it's fun now to kind of subtly look over every time you make a joke and watch this kid's girlfriend not laughing. She's actually laughing less and less as the show goes on. She's going to get up for a bathroom break and never come back and then make no mistake, I'm going to steal your boyfriend. Yeah. So that's what it is I don't know what clip of our show he showed her to get her here, but Yeah, I don't see which one of those would have worked. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, which one Oh

Matt right. Yes, that's probably what it was. We had Matt right fun and she was like, well, he's hot Yeah, and he probably lied to her and said Matt right is gonna be there Yeah, and then she came here and she just saw a guy wearing a north face in, he's hot. Yeah, and he probably lied to her and said, Matt Rife's going to be there. Yeah. And then she came here and she just saw a guy wearing a North Face in a 70 degree room. Yeah. Yeah. You feel comfy in that North Face? I look like Matt Rife if he had a stroke.

Yeah. I do feel comfy in this North Face. It's a security blanket because I've been having bad anxiety today. And see what happens when I start hanging out with Yandis again? I just start sitting like a woman. Because you're my best friend again.

Yeah, because we're back in. We're back in. We're doing it. Yeah. Because today we're going to fucking talk about a feminist icon, so you're going to be happy. This one is for the ladies. Yes.

This one is for the ladies. Yes. This one is for the ladies. We're talking about Empress Theodora who is maybe the most famous prostitute of all time. She truly is. Empress Theodora the whore. Yeah. Yeah. And she, it's going to be amazing. It's going to be fantastic.

It's a wild, wild story about how this woman became all the way from being a toot a prostitute To the Empress of Greece or whatever they called it back then Yeah, so because it has it's had too many names and it's fascinating and we're just gonna have fun And the thing that I love about our show is either you are really all into this and you love it or you cannot wait To leave and that's what it is because I know even our cadence I could just see her being like what get me the fuck out of here yeah but you can't leave honey you can't leave because people are doing crack outside yeah you got to work the Howard theater yeah we're sold out there yeah this

place does look good with the lights off it looks packed out right now the lights off we moved a lot of tickets if you shut the lights off and make believe it at the Howard Theater. Yeah. Yeah, with the lights out, it just feels completely packed. Because how's your asshole today? Is it clean? What percentage?

I took a bath in my brother's bathtub. Yes, you did. Yeah, so I cleaned it squeaky clean. I call it squeaky clean right now. But you can never get 100% squeaky clean because Greek Mediterranean people always have a bit of fumes the problem is It's yeah, it's just the fumes it the problem is is it's grizzly back there It looks like a Brillo pad right between my cheeks, right? So that's the problem just some of the fumes gets caught in the hairs

You'd have to go in there and individually clean each hair out right right which is a problem is a problem. Which is a problem. Yeah. Or I could just get a wax. But I'm a German kid. Should I wax my asshole? Yes. Yes. Yeah. But I'm a German kid so you think me being a German kid I can actually get my ass a little cleaner than yours. Well you're pretty much hairless. You're like a Chinese cat. You're hairless. I am. Yeah you're hairless. That's why there's less fumes. Like Asian kids, German kids have very little hair black kids don't have hair They got their fairs that no Asian kids actually have a gene in them that they can't they armpits don't smell yeah, that's a fucking truth

Bader Ginsburg right there. Yeah, and they could also have a gene in them that makes them turn invisible That's their that's also the truth. Yeah, and we know that that's also the truth Could be this place could be packed with Chinese kids right now. It could be. There could just be Invisible sitting in silence doing research. Who's Jewish out there? Who's a Jewish person?

That's it, we got a lot of Jews and they're in our shoes. Yeah, so you gotta be careful if you're sitting next to him, just make sure you lace up your shoes tight because he will crawl into it, it's what he wants to do. I don't know why, they just like to get comfy in shoes. It's what it is, and make no mistake, I'm gonna say say it throughout the show this show is not for everybody and I can feel it No, everyone here is on board except for her Yeah, and this guy doesn't know what he's doing. No, this guy is just he's apparently a fan of the show

He's just a really good dad who brought his autistic son to the show. Yes His son does look a little Franks and Beans. Is that your son right there? You don't know that guy No, you don't you don't even know that guy. So you guys came as individuals to the show Yeah, and this guy next to him's in the fucking turtleneck Yeah, no the guy next to him looks like he was in an R&B band in the 90s or something like that He's got a shape up. They can't fucking turtleneck on how you got a shape up. Then he's got a fucking turtleneck on. How you doing, Arsenio Hall? He's got a fucking turtleneck. And he looks like he's a white kid that wants to be black.

He looks like our boy, Sean King. He does. That's what it is. He's fucking dying to be black, but the kids wait. He kind of looks like an Armenian coke dealer or something. You can't see him. That's why you're not laughing.

But he does look like he's got cocaine on him. Here's the thing. him. That's why you're not laughing, but he does look like he's got yeah Here's the thing and that's probably why you're not laughing at home It's because this is being listened to by hundreds of thousands of people in their car And they're like who the fuck is they talking who are they talking about why don't we talk about Empress Theodora? Like we said cuz I see a kid in the audience. He's got red hair. He's got red fine No, it's finding wall though. Take a peek. It doesn't take long. It's dark in here, but the kid's glowing. Right there.

Oh my god. You look like Vincent van Nogh. And I mean, because you got red hair, what? You got red hair bad. Yeah. Wow. I mean, you're a red-headed fucking kid. He's a red-headed kid.

Yeah, it's pretty. It's a unique thing. I mean, he does. People tell you look like Vincent van Nogh all the time. I'm sure that you ever a redheaded fucking kid. He's a redheaded kid. Yeah, it's it's pretty you it's a unique thing I mean he does people tell you look like Vincent van Gogh all the time sure that you ever hear that in your life Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a redheaded kid in a military jacket. I'm nervous. Yes. I'm nervous I don't want you to blow up your Tesla. I don't do it. We don't need that this week Yeah, I mean cuz I gotta be honest with you right now. These chairs are not comfy. No, they're not comfy. Look at this.

I gotta be honest with you. Yeah, yeah. And we're very far away from the audience. We can't see them at all. We didn't plan on that, but we are here to talk about it too. Dude, Empress Theodora, and we did a five o'clock show that actually started at 5.30 because we just wanna do a early fucking show for you kids because, you know,

we figure our fan base has parent uh fan base has kids Right they have parents They have parents I mean you know and we just want to do an early show because we just you know we're kids that like to get in and get out because we have wild anxiety and Yannis had to talk me into doing this while we were walking out because I'm just scared and that's why I have my jacket on Yeah a lot of people are like why are you doing this at 5 o'clock I said, I don't know why we're doing it at 5 o'clock. I don't, because I was nervous that Yanni was going to sundown again,

because he does have early onset Alzheimer's. That's what happens. And he starts sundown at about 7. Yeah. Every person we told the show was 5, it almost didn't register in their brain. And they were like, OK, show starts at 7, right? We were like, no. They were like, remember that one guy was like, door is at 5.

I was like, no, show time is 5 o'clock. Yeah, the guy that runs the venue was like, doors at 5, right? We're like, no. They were like, remember that one guy was like, door is at five. I was like, no, showtime is five o'clock. Yeah, the guy that runs the venue was like, doors at five, shows at six. I was like, idiot. Doors at four when it's still sunny out. He was like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's another thing, too. It was a shit day all day and then it just got nice and sunny. And even we were like, why are we going inside? Yeah, we wanted to be outside. But let's talk about Empress Theodora. Theodora!

Because you love Empress Theodora. And she probably was fucking hot in person. She was probably a smoke show. I mean, prostitution, are we for it? Are we against it? Is it feminist? Yes, yes, yes. I mean, that's the whole thing.

When it comes to prostitution, the whole argument is, is it good? Because a woman should be able to do what she wants with her body, and it should be regulated and protected so there's no pimps. Or is it bad to exploit a woman for her body? What do you guys say? Good. Good. Alright, those were a lot of guys saying good is what I heard. I, cuz I don't, I only not think it's good. I think it's a necessity. You do.

I just think it's- Tell me more about that. Because I think that- Is this being recorded? Yeah. Okay. Well I did just get engaged, yeah. Yeah.

So, do you think it's good because like, look, if a woman wants to do what she wants to do, and she wants to sell her body, and then maybe it's good for society because you got a lot of guys who are pent up on the internet or school shooters, they can't get laid. Yes.

So maybe we should do like a bunch of GoFundMe for those kids to get them prostitutes so they can get their fucking glue out so they don't get all pissed and shoot it up. Yes, that's what I think, because for me it's either I get a toot or I get a Chinese sperm extractor. That's the two.

So it's one, which is a real thing that they have in hospitals in China Because they just know guys got to get their fucking glue out. Yeah, that's it But you know what it's it's it's a question But the thing is the prostitute if she would like she wants to be there and she wants to do it It's something that she's choosing. Yeah, so, you know, they want to be called sex workers now and I'm fine Yeah, it's a sex worker sex worker. I think prostitute is a better term. Right, because toot is just fun.

Toot's fun. Yeah. But it's not like nobody's making, like they actively want, I just think it should be legal. I think it should be legal so then you don't have to- The way you just opened your legs was wild. I mean, Yanni went full asshole for no reason and I, you know, it was fun. Well because that way you don't, you know, you don't have the criminal element in it. It's gonna happen anyway.

It's the oldest profession. Let's get the criminal element out of it and open up some toot stores. And we'll tax it. And I also think there should be stores where you get your back tickled. Right. What do you mean?

Like you go, you know how you could go? Yeah. Well, we did discuss earlier in the car that we think prostitution, we can understand how that may not be okay. We totally get that. We respect that.

But I mean, a massage with a happy ending should just be okay. Yeah. That should not be a problem. That's part of a massage and I want a full body massage and my penis is part of my body. Yeah, that's a good point. I do have a piece. That's a good point. So if my piece gets massaged and a little glue comes out, it's like, you know?

Yeah. It's a massage of your penis. It's a continuation of the massage. That's what it point. So if my piece gets massaged and a little glue comes out, it's like, you know, yeah It's it's a massage of your penis. It's a continuation of what it is. Yeah, I thought it's you know Yeah, and she's not gonna say anything to masseuse. It's because you know, yeah because she's Yeah So it's mutually assured it's just okay that was a lot of 14 Yes, you can see that one on patreon.com says history so far that's a patreon bit that we just like to joke around at the firehouse yeah we're just kidding it's not a big deal I mean this girl the front row hates it sometimes it happens it's very fun for me to just kind of look over and I'm sorry hun you know what app I really love truly rocket money

you know about rocket money yeah I truly? Rocket Money. You know about Rocket Money? Yeah, I use it. Babe, it literally goes and finds subscriptions. I had like six Paramount Plus accounts and I love Paramount Plus but I had six of them. Yeah, me and my wife were both signed up for Netflix. We combined that into one. Yeah, that's what it is. You combine that into one like you combined your bodies into one when you got married, which is what I'm thinking about doing. That's right.

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your crew run your game on prize picks download the app today and use code hi heinous to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup download the app today and use code hi heinous to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup prize picks run your game But here's the thing. Oh wait, but I'm I mean, I'm Chris now your Chris. Hi. Oh, well you almost went into fucking sergeant snog Absolutely Actually done this whole show is sergeant snuggles and lieutenant lollipop Because it is inauguration weekend and people do have trauma this weekend. They do there's a lot of trauma out there

I've been walking around the streets and I feel people, they're unsure. What's gonna happen to my social security? What's gonna happen with Trump? Is like white supremacy coming back? Was the Nazis here? What's happening? And I'm here to say yes, all that's true. Yes.

It's gonna be horrible. You know, Sergeant Snuggles, you are very accurate. Yeah, because I know you're sitting there going, should I fucking move to London like Ellen? Should I fucking go? At a protest? Yes. And maybe, yeah, maybe you should,

because if this place is triggering you, I support you. I support your triggering. I really fucking do, and that is honestly a high-end lieutenant lollipop That really is the truth of why we did the early show I know we're fucking around a little bit, but we wanted to get out early enough We can join a fucking protest has the tarpon and just have a little fun having out a protest. Yes Yeah, it's hard for you to cross your legs like that because your fucking thighs are too thick

It's yeah, it's yeah, my thighs are too thick and I do have big balls. Yeah But I don't have a big piece. Yeah, not me Kristen Stefano. Yeah, I'm not Chris Stefano. I'm lieutenant lolly Yeah, I don't even yeah. Yeah, so I don't even like my piece I want to turn my piece shout out to the patreon member into a crease. Oh Yes Shut out. That was a patreon. It was a good one. That was a good we're back. All right, let's talk about Empress Theodora. Yeah. Empress Theodora.

We're in our own. Empress Theodora. Theodora is just fucking, it's a nice name, I like it. And she was a North African beauty queen. She was a fucking smoke show. Absolutely gorgeous. Fucking smoke show. So we're taking you back.

My girl on the front row. Smoke show. Beautiful. I mean this kid. I mean. You're really good, sir. you doing good. Very good. Yeah, very good So she may break up with you after this show, but you know what I mean? You've done good, but you know what it was worth it. It was worth it. Yeah, but you're you're good I like you a lot. So she Embers Theodora we're going back to the Byzantine Empire. So we're talking about 520 something

Byzantine Empire, which is basically the Eastern Roman Empire. 525 AD Byzantine Empire, which was just one of these small times in history where it was really good for white people. Just one of those moments in history where just white people were just fucking- A rare moment. I mean, dominating big. Yeah. Just a rare moment in history where you go, wow, that time they were dominating stuff.

They were doing good. Yeah. But were Byzantine kids even white kids? No, there was all types. Greeks? But Greeks, are they white? Are you white? I don't know.

I don't know. The Germans will say no. Yeah, the Germans say no? Yes. The Germans say no. We would like Germans say no. Yes, the Germans like to say no. No, yeah We were enslaved for 400 years by the Ottomans by the Ottomans who we're gonna talk about these fucking dirty I'm not those fucking turn. Yeah, those fucking Ottomans. Yeah, which I have a lot of genes I have a lot of those G. I did my 23 me and unfortunately I have some Turk in me

So those are what you call non-consensual genes. That's what we like to call the rape gene, and we got a walker. There you go. And they said, you know what? And that's my kill. And we got a walker. Right when they said the rape gene, I'm out of here. They said, we're out of here. Unfortunately, that's what happened. Unfortunately, it's what it is. It's what it is. But Empress Theodora...

Empress Theodora was actually a darker kid from North African absolutely they think she was born in Syria they think maybe or Cyprus or maybe North Africa but she was dark and she was a smoke show absolutely and this is the real clear better than Cleopatra yeah she gets all the credit Cleopatra gets all the credit but Empress Theodora when we're gonna tell you about her it's much better it's like how Edison Thomas Edison gets all the credit, but Empress Theodora, when we're gonna tell you about her, is much better. It's like how Thomas Edison gets all the credit, but Nikolai Tesla was the brains. Empress Theodora was like Nikolai Tesla.

She was the fucking boobs. More people need to talk about it, yeah. Yes. As far as feminist icons, she was probably the first one, and one of the biggest ones. She was Kim Kardashian, she was Taylor Swift, she was Caitlyn Jenner. She was Caitlyn Jenner. She was it. She was Leah Thomas from Penn Swim team.

Yeah. She was the fucking feminist icon. She was a feminist icon. She was. She was just an absolute beauty queen. Sam Smith, Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Hillary Clinton fucking shoulder pads. Yeah, she was. She was good to go. I know we finally got the girlfriend laugh. The girlfriend giggled at that. Thank you. Well, yes. Good for you. Thank you. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. I mean, it's funny that there's just two empty seats in the front row.

I mean, what happened to these kids? Yeah, those kids because those kids definitely bought seats. They just didn't show. Well, they didn't show. We saw the whole front was sold. So those two are supposed to be here and they just didn't make it. They could have been Mexican kids who got scooped up. They't make it they could have been Mexican kids who got scooped up they could have they could have been Mexican kids who got scooped up or they could have

accidentally went to the Howard theater because we even joked about it just got killed outside yeah it could happen as well that's also yeah it's also a possibility or they could have just assumed we were gonna cancel it yeah they may have not shown up they may have not showed up there's some people here who flew here. Jesse told us there was some messages, don't cancel the show, we flew here. Make no mistake, we were going to cancel it, but we did this for you. Yeah. Who flew here?

You flew here? From where? From Houston, wow! Where I may or may not have blown a guy. Do you know a guy with a wig? Do you know the guy with a wig with hairy knuckles? Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about Empress Theodora. Theodora!

So she was fucking hot. She was North African. She was a piece. So this is a rags to riches story, unlike any in history. She's the only toot. We tried to look for any other toot who rose up through the ranks like her. We couldn't find anyone. All we got is Stormy Daniels. That's it. That's it. Stormy Daniels was the only one. I mean this kid came back too quick. He did a little bit of blow. Yeah, he did a little blow. That's the only real answer.

Yeah, that was too quick. You have to get rid of some glue. I mean the kid went went back and jerked off. It's what it is. Sometimes you got to get the demon seed out. I get it. Yeah, so Stormy Daniels is the only two in history that we found that got as high as Empress Theodore. Yeah, and look at the drop off. Empress Theodore, most powerful woman in the world at that time.

And then the next best thing is Stormy Daniels. Yes. That's a big fall off. So basically we're out here saying like, if you're a toot, dream bigger, you know? Yeah, go for it. You can do more. If you're a toot out there and you wanna get to the top,

you gotta make a sex tape. That was Empress Theodore's big problem, no sex tape. No sex tape. Yeah. But Empress Theodore. Well maybe she did, I don't know. Yeah, maybe the equivalent of the time. Like she had someone watch her get fucked

and then she said, just remember this and tell someone yeah She said can you just can you just can you just sketch this on a cave wall just sketch this down and give it to? The press yes, which is just basically word-of-mouth. That's possible. What it is. Yeah. Yeah, so let's I want to learn about yeah Empress Theodora this is one of my favorite actually because I didn't know about this broad I had no idea She was born as like a lowly daughter of a Elephant trainer at the hippodrome, which is basically the Coliseum of Constantinople in the Eastern Roman Empire in the 500s So this kid was just training elephants because at the hippodrome they used to have chariot fights and races and

Elephant fights and all types of shit Her father ends up gets getting stepped on by an elephant. He got stepped on by an elf Yeah, was that elephant from our Kashi wedding? Yes Yeah, it was I mean Indian kids love having elephants at their wedding cuz Is there an Indian kid out here? Yeah, if you go to the zoo and you see no elephants There's a there's an Indian wedding happening in your city Yeah, just know every time you go to the zoo and you see no elephants there's a there's an Indian wedding happening in your city Yeah, just know every time you go to a zoo and you see an elephant There's an Indian father going that would be good for my daughter

Right have you right she knows see I love Indian people know Indian people. I love the best weddings It made me so insecure when I saw an Indian wedding about my wedding Yeah, everyone was come like the bride and groom come out to like pump pump it up. Yeah, that's all we do They come out on fucking elephants. They mean business on fucking elephants. I mean this show tonight It's got 600 people in it. This would be just the groom side of an Indian wedding. That's right. That's just what it is Yeah, it's like 14,000 people at their wedding so many people in India It's why yeah and 14,000 people is probably zero point zero zero0000001% of the fucking population yeah 14 14,000 people in India is just fucking somebody's studio apartment yeah that's it it really is just what it is we're just hanging out there's a lot of Indians yeah there's a lot of Indians yeah yeah and I could tell that the girlfriend is loosening up. She's starting to laugh. She's having a good time

I saw go like this. Yeah, once we start attacking the other one. She's on board Yeah, some people don't want to laugh because they're like, what if my jobs watching? Yeah and They're not trust me. Yeah. Yeah and fucking Vincent van Gogh is a creep Yeah, I mean I he's kind of just looking at the tables, because most redheaded people are fucking mistakes. Yeah. I'm just kidding around. That was just a joke. And the kid next to him has earrings in both ears, cuz.

Yes. I haven't seen that in a long time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, and the kid next to him has got, at the very same time... That's a girl, cuz. That's not a kid. No, but the kid to the right of the Vincent van Nau has these kid right here he's one of these kids that he has a lot of hair and a little hair at the same time. He's got a receding hairline

afro. You're talking about this kid. Yeah. You should just get hair tits cuz. But he does look jacked and cute. Yeah he looks like a cute kid. Yeah. Well let's talk about Empress Theodora. So with 525 AD she's the North African beauty. She's fucking smoke show. She's the Leah Thomas of her time. Yeah, her father's an elephant trainer. Yeah steps He gets killed and stepped on by Akash Singh's elephant. That's right. Now what? Yeah, so he gets stepped on she now the pet family's like going into poverty Her mother was an actress now back then actress just meant prostitutes What it's hard to understand in our day because we worship our actors and actress

Yeah back then being an actress was considered like a lowly Peasant job right they were and they had to toot themselves in order to make a buck which made which is kind of what they're going Back to now they are going back to now if these actresses they better fucking start a podcast or it's back to toots. It's just you're gonna have to toot. That's it. So it is funny that yeah at that time you know the acting was just like Yannis said a very lowly profession and this is what they would go go out and do plays just like we're doing plays here and then in the middle of the play for no reason they would just have sex with somebody. Yeah. So it would be like if we're doing a podcast and then out of nowhere, Yannis' brother just

comes out and fucks me. Yeah. That's right. That would be what the equivalent of Empress Theodore's acting was at that time. Right. I don't think that's exactly true, but I'm going to go with it and stick with it. Yeah. It's just what it is.

It's just how it works. I really have a goal in my life, because I've told you this before, I want to go the first 50 years of my life straight, the last 50 gay, and I really just want, just for a goof, I would love for Yanis to just one day get a text message at three o'clock in the morning, and it's me and his brother in bed taking a selfie. That's what I really am hoping for, but his brother, I've tried at his wedding,

I've tried multiple times, and his brother's just not into me. I'm not his brother's type, he just looks at me like a lowly peasant piece of shit, as he should. No, when you came over to my engagement party and you met my brother, he looked at you and he thought you were there to fix the air conditioner. Yeah, he did. He pointed me towards the back and he said the air conditioner one needs to be serviced. And then at the engagement party, just for a laugh, I ripped a fart and it got big laughs, except from his brother yeah his brother thought it was repulsive yeah my brother and her would get along swimmingly yes yes his brother where I'm sleeping out you know

he's got a two-bedroom place but the second bedroom only has a pullout couch and his brother told him Chris is not allowed to pull out the couch he has to sleep on the outside of the couch yeah so that's just what it is and listen but it's true because if he let me pull out that couch I would fart deep into that couch and he doesn't want that. Here's the truth I'm not sure he knows you're in there. Yikes. I didn't tell him. Yeah so unfortunately I'm gonna have to sleep over at somebody's house.

I want to get comfy wumpy in your guy's sheets. Yeah. Could you imagine ma'am if he was like hey Chris just come sleep over and I'll sleep head to toe and you woke up and me with my mouth guard was just having a drooling on your feet, sniff on your feet. Let's talk about Empress Theodora. Look at this girl's sweater. She looks like a burglar from the 1920s.

Yeah, look at that. But it looks cute, cute, cute. Yeah. And that's the first time the Mexican kid got a laugh because I don't think he speaks English. No, I don't think think so I think he's actually hiding in here yeah that's it yes that's what it is just good I think he's not gonna leave the theater well that is guys if you are someone who's on the run from the Trump administration this is the safest place to be because you got

friends in here yeah you yeah the Trump administration is not gonna come in here looking for problems and looking for fun in here Yeah, yeah, go ahead. You're honest This is kidding around no, this is wild that we're here I'm actually Canadian I didn't even bow We got another Walker and we got to they're laughing here. Oh, he's just gonna take a piss. Yeah. All right, go ahead So Empress Theodora tell me about it. She is Born in the 20s in the 50s. No 525 I think your father got stepped on by an elephant fires it so that's where we are Yeah, she's an actress and now what so her mom was an actress She decides she's gonna be an actress and they don't they don't start fucking you while they're doing the play

That's not how it happens, but I just like to I like to just add a little shit. Yeah, that's good So during the play they start Not kids no not kids no no kids meeting people right in the slang way. Yeah, they weren't Democrats well actually I think That was character piece character piece yeah, that wasn't that was Patrick Mulroney. Yeah Actually, I think back then, technically, they probably were. Unfortunately, it happened. And it's SLKS.

It's not what we could do about it. No, it was bad, and it's not good, and don't do it. But back then, they just thought it was OK. Nothing you could do. Yeah, it's just not good. It's the way that cookie crumbled back then. It crumbled that way. It's just the truth, Bader Ginsburg.

It's just what happened. I'm sorry about it. Yeah. We're sorry. It's just the truth, Bader Ginsburg. It's just, it's what happened. I'm sorry about it. Yeah. But let's talk about it. We're sorry. We are sorry. We're sorry for that. Sorry about that.

It's not bad. We should all be sorry for that. Yeah. So she becomes a prostitute. She works at a brothel. But she's smart. She's charismatic. Oh, welcome to the fucking show, ladies.

There she is. We were trying to figure out whose seat that was. Yeah. I mean, another absolute fucking smoke show. She's a fucking smoke show. Another absolutely gorgeous woman. Because she looks like Empress Theodora. She do look like Empress Theodora.

Is it Empress Theodora just came back? Are you here alone? Oh my God. No. Are you a fan of the history of the hyenas? Oh my God. Wow. Yeah, we just got...

What? Unfortunately. Unfortunately. Why are you late? Oh, she came from another seat. Oh, she's smart. Very smart. Screwed in. See, this girl's the definition of screwed in and she does look like Empress Theodora

and she is a piece and if I wasn't recently engaged I would fight to take a fucking swing. Yeah, and she's- But I can't do it. I'm just going to have to go back to your brother's room and jerk off on the pullout couch. That's just all you can do. brother's room and jerk off on the pullout couch That's just all you could do. That's just what my life is gonna have to be I'm gonna have to go back suck it up jerk off on your brother's pullout couch Or maybe if it's okay get a happy ending that's listen I haven't porked my wife in like a year just just deal with it. I can't even get to her

There's kids toys just all around her. That's what happened. Anytime. I try to get near I just stub my toe on a fucking bluey doll. Yeah. That's what it is. That's my life. Yeah, last time I had sex with my girl I had a Moana doll in my ass. Yeah, it's just, I just want to pork my wife. Yeah, I know, cuz.

Either that or I'm going to put a wig on my hand. Yeah, put a wig on your hand and fuck it like Marisa. Yeah. Or just, I'll do the voice while I'm doing it going, that's it, this is me, now you with me, this had nothing to do with you. Yeah. That's it, this is me, now you with me, this had nothing to do with you. Yeah. That's it, this is my hand, you like that shit. You like that shit.

Or I could just send in the real Maurice, the TT Jerry to give you a real blow it. Yeah, that. I could do that, she has no teeth. I. And then. And then. And then.

Empress Theodora Sid in is a fucking smoke show and it's hard to take. She's a smoke show. And it's hard to take and I'm just gonna look this way. Cause the whole front row is full of smoke shows. Not the hard to take and I'm just gonna look this way cuz the whole front Row is full of smoke shows. Everybody's gorgeous the guys and the girls. I know not guys No for an older kid. You tell me this guy doesn't look good. No, he looks pretty good Yeah, it's like fucking Richard Gere if he was a lesbian. Yeah

But absolute smoke shows look this fucking beautiful. This guy's got his chain out hard. Yeah, look at that That's that's a fucking chain out guy. That's look at that. That's that's a fucking chain out guy That's the Mexican kid. You know the guy in his second row. Oh, yeah That's chicken wire right there. Look at that fucking dick chain right there. Well, though the fucking fitness team from UCF I mean that don't they're fucking jack kids the girl in the burglar sweat is gorgeous Yeah, everybody's a fucking hotty with a body boom body. We're ugly kids Yeah, it gets like more ugly as you go back You know with a body boom body. We're ugly kids. Yeah, it gets like more ugly as you go back, you know, it's like all the good looking people like got the more money and then it just gets

poorer and uglier. Yeah, we're sorry. We're sorry, man, that you were sitting with those people back. Yeah, that's what it was up here. All right. So let's talk about Empress Theodore. Yeah. Well, she's here. That's crazy. She came in and she looks like she's a smoke show. So this chick was a smoke show. She was funny. She was smart. She ends up somehow becoming the mistress of some governor, goes to North Africa. He abuses her. He's not a cool kid. He beats the shit out of her.

It's like Chris Brown. It's not good. Yes. Yeah, it's not good. But he is talented. Yeah. There's nothing you could do about the talent, unfortunately. Talent, for me, supersedes everything.

It's fucked up what he did, but it is you know It's like Michael Jackson. It's like you know yeah, I mean a couple of kids got eaten, but the kid can dance Yeah, he could dance Like would you feed him kid tokens just to make Billie Jean? I think I might you know It was he knows kid tokens. Whatever it is. I need that song in my life. Yeah, it's what it is arts You know artists forever artists forever. Yeah. Yeah, so I yeah, it's just what it is That kid's trauma will only last his lifetime. It yeah. Yeah, it's a trade-off Sometimes you gotta you gotta break eggs to make omelets and that's just what it is

Yeah, I mean dude might you'll talk about Michael Jackson forever. I mean, you know It's just the kids gonna it's what it is. Yeah Sorry, that was not believe any of this stuff. That's that's on patreon. Yeah... that's what it is. Sorry that was not... We don't believe any of this stuff. That's on Patreon. Yeah that's gonna be on Patreon. That's just a character piece. What I love about the live show is if this was... We can't take it back and there's witnesses. Yeah and I keep forgetting because if we were in the studio I would just say something wild to get my juices flowing and Yannis' juices flowing and then we edit it out but I forgot

there's 600 people here. There's witnesses. So but I hope that you guys are okay with us just going through a process. Thank you. This is also only our second live show. Yeah. Yeah, this is also our second live show. So yeah.

Yeah. No frills, delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum Points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. So what about Empress Theodora? What are we up to?

I like the way you were trying to squiggle out of you saying that Michael Jackson's kids that he fucking diddled is worth it. Yeah, and I gotta be honest with you you since that joke, my back is sweating. The top of my ass crack is like a splash splash right now because that was a bomb and that was also a lawsuit. Yeah, we don't believe what we say. Yeah, we don't believe.

But don't believe we say we are the chat GPT. Yeah. And listen, he might have did it. He might have not we don't mind enough, but it's not about him Either way Billie Jean is here It's not my door. We have it. She's not my door. Yeah, so She comes back from North Africa Billie Jean Empress the Empress the adora comes back. She's not Empress yet She comes back to constant. She's just toot the adora. She's just she's former toot at this time. Got it She's former toot. She's not a tootople. She's just toot Theodora. She's former toot at this time. Got it. She's former toot.

She's not a toot anymore. She was with the governor. She was one of his concubines, mistress. He kind of slapped her around a little bit. She was like, you know what? I need God. So she went and she became very religious. She comes back to Constantinople.

What religion? Christianity. Nice. Yeah. Love all religions. But yeah. I do love all religions. At this time it was still called Constantinople, but make no mistake, the Muzzies are coming.

Yes, on the march, girl. They're going to take it very soon. They're on the march. It will become Istanbul. And it's just a rivalry that's, it's like the Red Sox Yankees. It just keeps going. Muzzies versus Christians. Muzzies versus Christians, it's a fucking all-timer every year, every year, every year.

You can count on that. It's a legendary matchup It's like the Celtics Lakers. Yeah, just can't get enough of it and unfortunately the Super Bowl fireworks That's a way shot she had but the muzzy woman's laughing so Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's patreon.com slash history I mean, yeah, and I'm sorry, but cuz I didn't see that one coming at all. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't know yeah came out you like a coba 7 Yeah, it's what it is cuz but we're just fucking around just talking around we're having a Muslim the Muslim woman laughs Yeah, she laughed. Yeah, but that's OK.

That's what it is. She's OK. She's from Istanbul, and it's really like that. I just, Yannis didn't say that. Chris said that when you... Yeah. It's what it is. Well, no, not one of us said it.

Patrick Mulrooney said it. Yeah, but when she goes back and tells a family, and then a family tells the other family, and then they blow your house up, it was Chris DeStefano who said that. Yeah, it was me that... Yeah, right. No.

Yeah, so... I told you, though, I do love..., yeah, right. No. Good call. Yeah, so. I told you, though, I do love, I mean, ma'am, you know I love Middle Eastern women. I call them Puerto Ricans without the problems. So I love it. Yeah. Yes, I love them. So you know that.

I'd be in, if you would let me within five feet of you, I would like to, but I know that I'm legally not allowed to go near you because I am swine. Yeah. You're not allowed to have that. Are you really muzzy, or are you just freezing cold? Really muzzy. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for being here. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. We love you. We love you so much. We really do. We love you so much. Thank you.

And you are a fan of the history hyenas. See? There you go. We get them everywhere. People try to fucking pigeon all us. You can't. We get them everywhere. We are the healing power. I got a good friend who's Muslim. Do you have to praise? You need a rug?

No, I'm being serious. See, now Yanis is in the hot seat. Now I'm in the hot seat. See? See? No, I got a friend. We'll just be hanging, having lunch, and he'll just be like, I got to go back. And we'll be at a restaurant and he'll just roll out a fucking rug. Yeah, that's what he does. He just does it. But that's what they want to do.

You know what I call that? That kid's got good hip flexibility. He likes the core strength. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's what happens. Yeah. So the Muslims haven't showed up on the picture yet, but they will. And they're gonna take Constantinople.

They are gonna take Constantinople. But that comes later. At this point, it's still Christy. It's still Christy. Right. It's Christian. It's still Christ-ant-an-ople. It's still Christ-ant-an-ople. It's still Christy-ant-an-ople. It's still Christy-ant-an-ople. Yeah, Christy-ant-an-ople. Yeah, that's what it is. It's Christy it's right Chrissy right it's Christian it's still Chris Stanton opal it's still Chris Chris he's standing up Chrissy Stanton opal yeah it's an opal yeah that's Chris Stanton opal yeah yeah and then and yeah and and and then the mussies come and this city is called

cuck Stanton opal it's cut stick to nopal yeah so she comes back she gets a job and then she meets she gets a job she gets a job not as a to know she's a working girl now she's like no Griffin she's coming in on the fucking Staten Island ferry. What is she fucking doing? She's doing secretary work. Is she doing secretary work? She's a working girl. She's young.

She works hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. Hard for the money. So you better treat her right. You better vote to the right. It's a character piece. It right The character piece character piece Ladder 14. Yeah, this gets redundant. Yeah You guys get it, but when you guys get it, but we're just gonna keep giving you a fucking before

We're giving you a performance. We're doing a skit here. Yeah, you're doing a fucking skit Smitty Yeah, it's Smitty told me said listen it is what it is. You know big guys getting in Yeah, we're gonna go down and see fucking Yanni and Chrissy But we got it we got to go just stand and get good seats for the inauguration Yeah, they want to get good seats inauguration, and they would have come down here, but Mets tickets went on sale today So they got away had to go back. Yeah, cuz I got to see the fucking medis. You got to see the match They're playing all right, so so where are we the adora? That's what we're talking about. We're talking about this broad so He justinian who's the nephew of the emperor at the time and the Emperor's name was Justin

Which is wild because you got names like Justinian and theodore and then just a kid named Justin Yeah, just a kid named Justin. It's like yeah, it's the Emperor's name fucking Mike. Yeah might have just been Matt Yeah, it's just American name. Yeah kids. Just name is is fucking Michael Hanlon he's the Emperor Constantinople in 500 AD yeah and his nephew's name was Justinian which probably means his nephew might have been a black kid that's what it is on yes it yeah Justinian Justin versus sitting that's just a black kid nobody has funner with names and black kids I mean they got the best names the most fun name I grew up with a kid two kids they were brothers their parents named them Wise and

Science. That's what it is. Great fucking names. Those are their kids and I gotta tell you, neither one of those kids were wise or knew anything about science. Yeah. But their names were great. Best names.

Best names. So Justinian is a black kid but he's not black. He's not black but he's- Justinian is a white kid but he's acting black. We'll call him Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz. He's got a great name. He's got a great name. Justinian. So Emperor Justin, who also, Justin was his uncle and was emperor and he rose up through the military. He comes from a very humble beginnings too. He was a peasant, but he was a good fighter. He was a good fighter. He was a good fighter. And so he rose up and when the other emperor died, he took control and he has a good reign. And then his nephew is Justinian.

Now before Justinian becomes emperor, he fucking runs into Theodora at a wet market. Is that really where you ran into her? No, I just made that up. Oh, sorry. Oh, you're making a COVID joke. I'm making a COVID joke. Yeah, I don't know. I just thought they met somewhere and the kid was just infatuated. He saw me met at a well. He made me met at a well at that time.

Right? You just meet at a fucking water. Yeah, maybe at a Smith town water. Yeah, they went to Smith town water well. Yeah, they met somewhere. I don't know where they met. But the kid Justinian meets the adorin now Justinian's a top ranked guys met a lot of beautiful women But is on the floor rolling around he can't handle can't handle how hot Theodore He's going this chick is for Constantinople. Yes. I need her. I need her now She is for constant and she knows it Theodore knows you know she's just a fucking sex monkey

She's also smart and funny and she's just got the sex monkey. She's also smart and funny, and she's just got the full package. She's a survivor. She's rose up from being a prostitute. And she knows she somehow dated a governor. She meets this dude. He's going to be emperor. She smells it. She knows she fucking seduces him because she's great.

He can't take it. And he knows he's going to be emperor. And he's like, I'm going to marry you one day. And she's going, but you can't marry me, because people who are at the Senate level can't take it and he knows he's gonna be emperor and he's like I'm gonna marry you one day and she's gone But you can't marry me because people who are at the Senate level can't marry toots and he says guess what when I become emperor I'm gonna change that because yes, I can my name is hunter Biden. Yeah, I could do whatever I want. I Could do whatever I want. Yeah Exactly. Yeah It's not for everybody. Yeah. So it's not for everybody. Yeah.

So Justinian gets in power, right? And his aunt, who is Justin's wife, is like, you can't marry this chick, she's a toot. But here's the catch. Justin, his uncle's wife, was also a toot. A fucking toot. So look at that. The apple doesn't fall far from the toot. Yeah, no. If that ain't the popcorn, the kettle toot, I don't know what is. It's what it is because it's just you mirror it. That's what it is being a human being. You want what's comfy, wonky to you.

You wanna be kind of like what you grow up around. You wanna be close to that. That's why I don't like doing comedy. I wanna work in a post office. Yeah, that's right. You don't wanna do this. That's what I come from. And that's why you married a Puerto Rican girl

because you grew up in a Puerto Rican household. I grew up in a post office. Yeah, that's right. You don't want to do this. Because that's what I come from. And that's why you married a Puerto Rican girl because you grew up in a Puerto Rican household. I grew up in a Puerto Rican household. Yeah, my aunt and my uncle, they were, you know, my uncle was Puerto Rican. God rest his soul. He's buried now. We got cremated and he's in a can of cafe jello in my house. That's a true story, but it's just a goof.

That'd be funny if you requested to put him in a... You know what's happening in this show is the laughs are getting stronger from certain people and then certain people are looking at their watches. Yeah. Because again this isn't for everybody but you know what? I want the people who really want to fucking be here. I think everyone. I think everyone wants to be here.

We love you too. Love you. All right, so where are we? So he's like I'm gonna marry her and his aunt's like you can't marry her she's a toot and he goes but you're a fucking toot and she goes good point I'm a toot. Yep. So good point. So what he does is he gets it he becomes emperor he changes the law he marries Theodora she becomes an empress that rules with him, which is Unprecedented she signs everything they go on conquered North Africa. They reconquer Spain They create the civil code that is now used by every nation in the world. And what is it? What was the civil code? It's like you got rights and shit. It's what it is used by every country in the world

Yeah, every except China except China and a couple other ones. Yeah, there's just a few that they don't have rights rights and shit. It's what it is. Used by every country in the world. Except China. Except China and a couple other ones. Yeah. There's just a few that they don't have rights but here we have rights. Yeah. I mean Venezuela said it wants to attack Puerto Rico. That's pretty wild. Because if Venezuela attacks Puerto Rico they're going to have to fucking fight me. Yeah they're going to have to get through your family. Because I defend Puerto Rico. It's my whole family's Puerto Rico. Yeah. We're going down there with fighting. And these motherfuckers, if Venezuela wants to attack Puerto Rico they better be prepared to get hit with chancletas. Yeah, that's right. That's what's gonna happen We will fire fucking chancletas at them like they can't imagine

That's what if you do attack the elder Puerto Rico, you just see a fucking salvo Chancleta coming at you and they're gonna get a dough ball thrown in their eyes Just a bunch of angry Puerto Rican women just running at yeah You have these Venezuelans are not gonna know what they going to get shot to death while the soldiers are holding their babies. And we got another walker. Yeah. Kids just walking out. Yes, moving the vegetables. It's moving the vegetables. So are you Colleen, we can hear that. Yeah, we can answer fucking she's moving the vegetables.'s moving the vegetables all right Yeah, so what about Empress Theodore? So she becomes?

Empress and then she's like the first feminist she puts all these laws Into motion that protect women nice no more forced prostitution. No more human trafficking halfway houses for women Dowry rights for women because it used to be that you married a woman, and then the woman's father would just have to pay you a dowry. Wow. And then you could leave that woman, and you just keep the dowry. So it was not good for women.

No, it wasn't a good time to be a lady. Nobody, I don't think many people were going biological male trans back then. No, I don't think it was possible. They weren't doing that because it wasn't good for them. No. You didn't want to go become a woman. If you were a man back then, you wouldn't want to become a woman.

No. Even if you felt like you were a woman trapped inside a man's body. You would just stay a man for the rights. Yes, for the rights. Because you don't want to be a woman. It wasn't good. Yeah, it wasn't a good time.

Yeah, but yeah. Now it's a good time. Now you want to be a woman. I think that's what, actually, Bruce Jenner, what he did was, remember he killed, I think he killed a guy with his car yes yeah and then he transitioned into Caitlin and said I didn't kill anyone in the car that was Bruce Bruce that's a good way to get away with yeah yeah it's like yeah yeah it's like that was Bruce oh doesn't exist who you looking for it that's don't misgender me that was

exactly yeah I didn't know you were fucking homophobic I didn't know you're homophobe I didn't that wasn't me that person doesn I didn't know you were a fucking homophobe. Yeah, I didn't know you were homophobe. That wasn't me. That person doesn't exist. Okay. So yeah, that's a possibility. Yeah, Bruce Jenner, and also he's just trans. He's not gay, he says. Yeah, that's why I think he's not really trans. I think he just did it to get away with murder.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is, I gotta be honest, because I would do the same thing. It's a good move. Yeah. It's a real tricky move. Yeah.

Like, yeah. It's fun. Yeah, if we kill a guy tonight, we'll just become the sitcom bosom buddies after this. Go hard or go home. That's what he did. Yeah. Go hard or go home. Yeah. Or go trance. Yeah.

Go hard, go home, or go trance. That's what it is. And that's what he did. He did it all. Yeah. He transitioned. So she sets up all these rights for women, and women have a good go at it during her empire. Because she's like a Ruth Bader Ginsburg for time. She is good.

She's like if Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a prostitute. Yeah, now here's the thing. Setting up rights for women, it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing. And we honor her. Yeah, she's Hillary. She is. She was Hillary at the time.

Yeah. And then there's a civil war that happens, a riot breaks out, it's called the Nika Riots. What was it called? The Nika Riots. Because called then the Nika riots I because you were close on that one so just you want to slow that down and not lay that one on me you didn't run that one by me in the green room because I just got fucking nervous yeah holy shit balls did I think I heard something else and I got nervous and And the girlfriend is not laughing.

No, she's not into that. Oh, it's actually called the Nika. I should say Nike. Nike. Should I just be safe and call it Nike? It's actually called N.I.K.I. N.I.K.A. The Nika Riots. Whoa. Yeah, it does sound weird. Yeah, sorry. It's too close. OK.

Yeah, I got a joke, but I don't know if I could say it. Do it. No. Yeah. OK. yeah okay fine talking about all right fine fine fine fine imagine if it was in France it would be called the Nikas in Paris I think that was actually the song the original version of the song. Sorry! Okay, so it's Nika. Nika. The Nika. The Nika Riots. Like 30,000 people rise up. These fighting factions in the Hippodrome that were chariot racers, so it's basically like a Fast and the Furious movie. They unite. And they, not their pronouns, it's basically like a Fast and the Furious movie. Right. They, they unite. Okay. They, not their pronouns. It's a bunch of them. Right. Right.

Okay. It's not one person. Alright. Yeah, so they all unite. Right. And they want to, they want to depose Justinian. And he, this is when you kind of see that he's maybe not a strong guy. And so he's like, he's like, fuck it, let's get out of here.

Let's just flee. I'm scared. I don't want to do this he just wants to find out he was scared of the Nikas you're right on the line cuz no but No, but I'm not. Yeah, you're putting things in your head. No, you. Don't put that on me. No, yeah, it was it was scared of the Nika Riot. You're right.

Yeah. Yeah, he was scared of actually the Nika. All right, how about this? We'll make it easier. He's Nika Turtles. Yeah, Nika Turtles. OK, he's scared of the Nika Turtles. Scared of Nika Turtles.

Yeah, he's scared. All right. Yeah. So what happened? He was scared. He's like, let's flee. Let's get out of here. They're coming. The Nikaion's coming. They're in the neighborhood. Yeah, they're. I'm just. Yeah, it's just a character piece. Well, I'm talking about the Nika Turtles. Nika Turtles are there. That's what they're coming out of the sewers. They're coming out of the fucking sewers. Yeah, that's all.

They're doing karate. They're coming karate. They're fucking eating pizza. Yeah, it's Michelangelo. That's all I'm saying. That's what it is. There's four of them, they got masks on. Yeah, that's right.

So the Nika Rebellion's happening. They're like, let's just get out of here. We don't want to deal with this. Justinian wants to leave. He wants to leave. What a fucking pussy. Talking about UCF. Yeah.

He's like, we gotta go back to campus. Yeah, and then she... I mean, people are just leaving. Yeah. Yeah, I think actually they are leaving. No, they are walking away. No, they are walking away. Yeah, they are walking away. Maybe they just didn't know what they were getting into.

But our Muslim friend is still here because Allah has willed it. Yes, he's willed it. He's sticking it out. Yeah, she's sticking it out. The people who are leaving are like, all right, we got what we needed for the report, let's leave. That's what it is. Yeah.

They're like, oh yeah, this will be the article on Monday. It's not going to, we got what it is. Yeah. They're like, oh yeah, this will be the article on Monday. It's not going to. We got what we needed. Yeah. So at this point, she gives a speech where she Empress Theodora gives a speech. Empress Theodora goes, she basically goes, you pussy. She's like, we're going to stay here and fight.

We're going to defend this. I'd rather die an empress than live in exile, so we're going to fight. And somehow this galvanizes all these dudes they stay in fight they end up putting down the Nike rebellion and And they end up executing 30,000 people Wow including the guy that they made the head of the Nike rebellion right Colin Kaepernick Colin Kaepernick. Yeah That's right.

He's down on one knee. Yeah. So that guy, that guy became, he became the head of the rebellion, like, and he didn't really want it. But they made him do it because he was the nephew of the previous emperor. Yeah, he did it because he's a businessman. Yeah, and then so he ends up getting killed too. He got, unfortunately got killed too. So she killed everybody and then she died of breast cancer eventually. Breast cancer? So girls check your breasts right now at the show.

Just put your hands on them and find out. Let's go ahead and do it, yeah. You always got to check every couple minutes. So wait, so but how did they know breast cancer back to 500 AD? How would they know? Because I'm half making all this shit up to be honest with you. No, but that's true though, no? They think it could have been breast cancer. I don't know why. Right. I don't know why, it's just what chat GPT said. It's yeah, so we all the chat GPT sluts. So she died and then after she dies Justinian loses his mind. Like this wasn't just a woman.

This was, this, she changed, this sex must have been out of control. Like, I mean, that, cause that, the only thing that can do that is, is what is more powerful than a woman's vagina? Nothing. Truly nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I mean, it's just, it'll make you go fucking crazy. I mean, they could make a person out of a hole in their body. Yeah. And you can also fuck it. That's pretty crazy, dog. That's pretty fucking awesome. It's pretty crazy. Yeah.

They can pee out of it. You can fuck it. And a person comes out of it. I don't think that's, I think it's a different hole. It's pretty wild. No, it all comes from the same fucking unit. Nobody pisses out of their asshole, cuz. Yeah, but I don't think you're having sex with the pee hole,

unless you have a really tiny dick. Am I wrong on that, Emperor Steward Dora? There are separate holes. Yeah, there's separate holes, but when you look at it... I went to UCF, so I know. But when you look at it, you know, it's all in one. Right. It's like a Swiss Army knife.

It is. It's all in there. It's all in there. Yeah. It's multi-purpose. It's like my body wash shampoo condition. It's a a Swiss Army knife. It's all in there. It's all in there. Yeah, it's multi-purpose It's like it's yeah, it's like my body wash shampoo condition. It's a three-in-one. Yeah It's what it is. Yeah, it's what it is Did you watch when your baby came out cuz I watched and I was like, this is fucking wild

So the first baby I watched and I was told not to but I did watch and I wore my Jordan Air Force ones because it was a big day It's my first baby and I got blood and pu wore my Jordan Air Force 1s because it was a big day, it was my first baby, and I got blood and puke and everything all over my shoes. So then my second baby, I just went in barefoot. Because I knew that, so that was much better. But I did watch, I was there and I saw it and it was, it's pretty crazy, right?

It's pretty fucking wild. You're going like, wow, that person just created a person, they're like human gods. They can do that. They are. The only thing we could make out of a hole in our body is a shit that's it that's the only thing that comes out. It's a poopy. We can't push anything out besides the shit and well bullshit comes out this way and then shit comes out that way. Well I can do something else I can shit out GI Joe action figures. You could do that. Yeah I could do that. Because they're stuck in there. They're stuck in there so I could shit those out with the condom on. You know what I

said my second kid you know they stand there and they make you work like I was They're stuck in there. They're stuck in there so I can shit those out with a condom on. You know what I said? My second kid, you know they stand there and they make you work like I was holding a leg. They make you work. They put you to work. You stand up there for six hours when she's in labor. There was all these nurses in there for my second kid and at one point my wife was complaining or whatever and the nurses are like, that's okay. Yeah I mean like, I'm like, stop complaining. Fucking...

You got the epidural. They're always complaining. Yeah, you got the epidural. Like, this is your job. Push it out. Right. Push it out. That was funny. I just said my wife is complaining or whatever. Like, she always does. Yeah. Oh, I got to give birth to a baby. Yeah, well, she's pushing out a baby and you're doing Marisa videos on Cami Kami. I'm like, hold up, we're in the middle of that, say I want

to give a shout out to Robbie and Donald. You're like, I gotta make money for the baby. I gotta make money for the baby. So yeah, she's complaining or whatever. And the nurses, the nurses said something to her and then I go, she was like, my wife was really like, I can't do this and I was like, you're just gonna have to suck it up, babe. And all the nurses went. And then my wife said, what did he say? And they went, he didn't say fucking anything.

Yeah. And then they just turned her over on his side cause like the nurses do all the fucking work. The most underappreciated profession. I. I love our nurses. I really do I'm not just saying that like I had a mother in I mean all my family has just been taking care of nurses and then When you have a kid you notice that the nurses do everything Yeah, they come they move the baby around and then the doctor just fucking shows up and catches the baby and hands it to the nurse That's what it is. He just comes in and goes, okay, that's the push.

And then it comes out and you do the rest of it. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's fucking a patriarchy. I'm not fucking happy about it. No, but that's why we're happy to have our Patreon members here, the matriarchy. The matriarchy. The matriarchy. And here we are at our favorite part of every episode we do.

And we're so thankful to our people who go to patreon.com slash historyienas. And I've joined the Patreon and joined the matriarchy. And one thing we love to do is read out the funny names at the end of every episode we encourage people to join the patreon you get extra bonus content there and all that good stuff but if you make a funny name we read out the funniest names and then we pick a list and then we pick the funniest winner for that week we call

him the PPW the pseudo penis of the week and that name can be is up at history hyenas isback.com and make no mistake, I brought some new Patreon names. So what we wanted to do here for a big live show is have you guys, based off laughter, help us pick the list. Yeah, you guys are gonna vote. So as you know, the funny name, if it's funny we put it on the list, if it then, but it doesn't make the list, we call that a Drexler based off Clyde Drexler who was the second greatest player ever besides Michael Jordan and he was just in a bad era. That's what this means.

If you don't make the list, you don't make the list. Then we have security. If your name is really bad and we can't even acknowledge it because you said something fucking crazy, then we just say security and you get there. And then what else do we have? We got a chicken finger. A chicken finger. straight to the backs? And chicken fingers chicken finger is just a good simple one. That's a chicken finger. It's good and it's simple

Okay, so here we go. Let's read out our newest members of the matriarchy. Thank you Maybe you'll be in the maybe you're in the room tonight Maybe you're not but thank you so much. So let's go with leading off. We got more confused than Sammy Sosa skin color Is that on It's the first one. So I'm gonna put it on the list based on the reaction confused than Sammy Sosa's skin color. Is that on? It's the first one. So I'm going to put it on the list based on the reaction. This is you guys doing this. But I don't know if it's just because it's the first one. Well, we'll see what asterisk Nick aka Tom makes my glue gun Hardy. Nope. No,

nothing. Come on my hair and tits 2028. Not yet. I'm going to Drexler that Drexler Yeah, we Sean Sheehan Weinstein. AOC sit on my face and roll dice. That making it? Now making it or is that a Drexler? All right. All right. All right. He's on, he's on. Sherlock Fumes, glue fro is no go for Frisbee Shlomo. Victim of a bad read. And to be honest, if he would have just went with Sherlock Fumes, he would have made it. Sherlock Fumes would have been a nice chicken finger, probably.

Then we got, I mistakenly said the N-word in a Hot 97 freestyle and I'm white. Was that on? That's on the list. That Chris Theodore says yes. Yeah. Girlfriend says yes. The kid was rapping and he just... Yep, and it just happens. It just happens. He's sorry. Yeah, he's sorry about that. He's sorry. It's what can you do? Yeah. Chris, he put his D inside of Yanni's P and

fired like Luigi? No. Is that security? That's security. That's security sealed. Security. Then we got called a cop so he stopped stealing mops from black owned shops. Security, we're getting out of here. Security, we're getting that out. We're getting out of here.

We walked into one. We also have walked into one. I walked into one because these names are hard. I don't see the jokes coming sometimes until I walked into it. Your wine stop Lake Norman. That might just be a Scrooge and kids shouting at his wine store. Yeah, it could be his wine store. Yeah, that might just be a Scrutin kids shouting at his wine store. Yeah, it could be his wine store. Yeah, Scrutin. That's when you just put your business name and we read it. And we say Scrutin because you got your Yamaka screwed in tight.

Yeah, it's nice and tight. You're good at business. Father Bill can technically give parental consent. Father Bill ones are tough because we have so many. Listen, the Father Bill, there's a lot, but that is the most, like, original one. Because he's a father, he technically can give consent. I'm putting him on the list. Yeah, I'll put him on the list, yeah. Johnny, it's my last name, but I don't like them in my mouth. Cox? No. Lis? No? No.

Drexler, Drexler, Drexler. Jackie from Texas, Gary Terrell, then we got Snuzzy my Cousy while I play with my Fuzzy. No. Teeters. Nice, though. Zach hit my glue gun in the baby carrots. Stain's got a little dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, baby carrot.

Milk my character piece slow and quiet. Okay. Milk my character piece slow and quiet. OK. Tampa Tony's son. Tampa Tony's on his knees for Kamala's D's. OK. Then we got Austin. I'm not saying they were right, but those Hugo Boss uniforms were tight.

Rizner. That's on the list. Yeah, it's on the list. Yeah, yeah. OK, we got on the list. They were nice uniforms. They were nice. What can you do? Then we got Department of Polyp Security.

No. Good one though. Then we got right wing lean still interested in Big Mike's peen, lad of 14. Are we in? Well the thing is, I mean we have the Hall of Famer from the other episode. With Big Mike's peen. Big Mike's peen. So it's tough.

So we got to Drexler it, yeah. Unfortunately Drexler, but great call. Then we got more beans, less Franks, Latino tucking back for you toots. Then we got intermittent fasting, but I'll make a box of black and white cookies disappear faster than the chef that got caught big Mike Pagan Obama. Catapult? It was also a victim of a bad read. Okay. You gotta put him on the list. But you're in. Yeah. He's basically saying the chef died in the water because he saw Michelle Obama, Pagan. Yeah, it's just funny. It's just funny. Yeah. Um, then we got, um, FF Squeak with a skinny peen, ladder 14.

Um, then we got Dahmer orders marginalized men of Milwaukee for the table. It's got layers, but it is, might be a security. But it does have layers and it's funny, because he's saying that Jeffrey Dahmer ate mostly black men. Yeah. I think that goes, unfortunately, it goes on the list. OK, it goes on the list. But it's also a security.

But it is also security. And we're not condoning that kind of stuff. So it's on the list, but it's being guarded. Then we got Gandhi's cousin, AKA Jay-Z's type, unfortunately. Oh. Saying Gandhi's cousin was 12-year-old girl. Gandhi's cousin was 12 years old, yeah. What do we got? God, it's a goodie.

List? Yeah, I mean, it's not confirmed. I mean, there's no evidence that Jay-Z. Right. But it's funny, so it's going on the list. Okay, so it's on the list. Then we got Frank Sinatra and Beans Martin. I like it. Then we got's going on the list. Okay, so so let's then we got Frank Sinatra and beans Martin Like it then we got Gilberto Suarez. Why don't you give him the salsa monkey?

He's got the salsa monkey word you got like a really ethnic name Then we give you a salsa monkey award for Mexican kids And then there's there's a diner monkey awards for Greek gris sauce monkey warts for Italian kids Yeah, spy monkey warts for Chinese kids kids yeah spy monkey warts for Chinese kids just kidding we didn't have that till now yeah but it's just oh yeah sorry I thought I heard it on the episode yeah so then we got laser beam cuz he not a muzzy okay there we go means Indian kid yep yeah then we we got, you know me, Parks Heavy, sending me straight to Pyongyang.

I ladder my 14 till my Yanni Pappos. Chrissy D licked my P, call me Sandra D. Sandra D is someone from the Eastern hemisphere. Sandra D. My muzzy friend. FF tucking my sack back because I paid John A-Lite in the daylight to come see Father Bill with a black light so cuz better act right. It's a rhyme scheme. It's bars.

The kids got bars. But it's good enough for the list or it's a Drexler. Then we got screwed in with a tight poop shoot. We've had that before. Then we got one into it with a tight poop shoot. OK? We've had that before. All right.

Then we got when a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East. Wow. There we go. Wow. So that's a good one. Yes. That's a catapult.

That's a catapult. That's our first contender. Kid says he's going to cure the Middle East with his dick. I like it. I like it. I like it. Yeah. Then we got Winsome Church Bill Glue Gun. Okay.

He went for it. Then we got Thomas Maloney. We'll give him the Irish. Yeah, the kids of potato. Potato monkey. Then we got Big Mike paddle boards with Chef Boyz N.D. Okay. Okay. OK.

OK, OK, OK. He tried, but the other guy was better. Then we got average size white piece. I just walked into it. Walked into one. Walked into one. That is security. Security and walked in.

And that is out of here. No, thank you. Call security and you're out. No, no, no. Nope. Walked into one. Sorry about that. Yeah. I am the pork fister.

Get ready, babe. It's going to be a twister. Okay. It's a fun one. Drexler. Then we got Akbar the fuzzy muzzy because my manscaped went busty. He's fuzzy because his manscape broke. Drexler, right?

Drexler. Then we got Chrissy. Want my job back? Okay, walked into one. Walked into one. Didn't see that one coming at all. Walked into one. That's character piece. It's character. Yeah, he walked into one. Then we got Lil Boner. Derived cunt. Wait, what was that?

Derived cunt. Derived cunt. I don't know. I don't know. Then we got Chrissy, Franks, Yanni, Bean, Stick, Lakeside, Maple in their peeing while Dan Carlin blows a lot of 14. OK, good one went for it. Then we got TSA Precheeks.

Whoa. Like precheeks. Definition of a chicken finger. That's a chicken finger. And then the very next one, the guy's name is Chicken Finger for the Table. So he just wants to be that. Yeah, also Chicken Finger for him.

So then we got Anthony Rizzo shoots his jizzo on Chrissy D and Yanni P and then they eat it like Lizzo. Oh. Oh. What do we got there? Lift. That's a catapult right there, my friend. OK.

The inventiveness and the rhyme scheme. Gyros fight like the Greeks and Father Bill puts tzatziki sauce on my piece. OK, just a lot of Father father bills, but we get it. Yeah biblically accurate bar stool Colonel Colin Colonel Benjamin no as far to Lily loving the sasson monkeys like Chrissy D We call Puerto Rican sasson monkeys. That's funny. Yeah, all patty fly balls. No hog That's funny. All Patty fly balls, no hog. Freddie Sauce. Pretty funny though.

I like that. Yeah, all balls. Then we got this guy. Father Bill was my priest. I kind of like the guy. That's what he said. Like that one? Yeah, just when you think the Father Bills are done, put him on the list. He's not going to win, but it's funny. Father Bill, if you guys don't know, was a priest that I talked about that I grew up with and went to school and we'll just, that's not going to win, but it's funny. Father Bill, if you guys don't know, was a priest that I talked about that I grew up with and went to school. And we'll just, that's what you got to say. And he'll just say that he asked Chris to go get something,

and then Chris blacked out. Yeah, I blacked out. And then through hypnosis, it's just, I'd rather not say. Santo, the sauce monkey, Costable, Emmanuel Castillo. Then we got, I make Leroy's look like Chrissy's favorite cookie. Oh, no. Walked into one? Walked into one.

OK, yeah, so I don't like that. What's your favorite cookie? Black and whites. Yeah. OK. Shrimp D Chits. I don't know what that is. Then we got Degas Dhani with the Yami,

AKA Kaskwik Fumara Goradov, okay. Victim of a bad read. Sorry about that. But it's a tough one. Here we got our sauce monkey, Angelo Ciccatelli. How you doing? How you doing Angelo Cicc-a-fuck-a-talli. Cole, I got a plumbing business.

Yeah. Then we got Sicilian Pepe Pies with greased up knees sliding into Chrissy's bussy with laser eyes like Yanni P. Way Sean King. Okay? He went for it. Make no mistake, Big Mike makes me shoot white on sight. Okay? Says he comes when he sees Big Mike, right? Okay.

Drexler. Insert name here. Rubby Flubby or Hubby with a Chubby. Squeak Sandwich. LL Cool Jake. Luigi Fusilli makes my glue gun goon, Luigi Fusilli makes my glue gun scoongeely. Sorry, bad read. Here for the content, Max McGreevy,

a Unix bald spot. Quiet and slow for the table. Make no mistake, I'm pure garbaggio. Smithtown Water Department Pipe Sitter, if you voted blue, you gargle glue. Yeah? OK. OK.

Sorry about that. Yeah, it's accountable. It's very funny. Make no mistake, Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Matt Gaetz. Oh, Matt Gaetz is on the Patreon. Welcome. He likes children. Yes, Matt Gaetz is on the Patreon. Welcome. He likes children. Yes. Allegedly.

Allegedly. True blue cutie with a fat booty. Chrissy sniffs Donnie's fumes from behind. Father builds rope shooter on Chrissy's pooper. Sean the contractor, make no mistake, one of those kids is mine.'s what it is Chrissy squirts glue patreon customer service Cory make no mistake my Jewish psychologist wife thinks Chrissy D turned my glue gun into a squeak that shoots glitter Cortez AOC's wet seat for sale. Oh Okay Chrissy wissy was from Westchester. Let me see you grin. Father Bill Munchin on Greta Thunberger. Corn the long way. Glue gun my face. Can't see now I'm late for mass.

List or no? It's just funny. You got to put it on the list for funny. All right. All right. Get on the list. I don't know why it's funny. There's not one true. There's not one true winner yet. No, but we have a few contenders. We got a few contenders. But there's usually by now we felt like we found like a winner. Yeah, we have not yet because you never know what's going to sneak in. This is what I like about the list. Wicked Squeak of the West, Little Mexican Pollop, Three-Fifths Mafia. I don't get that one. No, I don't get it. Oh, like Three-Six Mafia. And then they put Three-Fifths. Oh, shit. You walked into one.

Fuck. You walked into one. Security, sorry. Oh, god. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yeah, fuck. I had to think about it out loud. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Okay. Sorry about that. The crowd got it. The Philly fanatic face fucked

my father. Okay. His father got fucked. That's what it is. If you look at the papers in 76, the Philly fanatic was fucking father's faces. Yeah. What it is? Venezuelan with a squeegee free Luigi. OK. OK. Then we got ladder 14 Dalmatian ding-dong. Weishan combs. Wait, wait, wait. Weishan combs.

Like Sean Combs. Like Diddy, right? Like Diddy? Sean Combs. Yeah. Weishan Combs. So what do you think? You got to put them on the, you just have to.

OK. Whenever someone does a spin on Weishan Xin like that,? Yeah, Diddy. Sean Combs. So Wei-Shon Combs. You gotta put him on the list. You just have to. Whenever someone does a spin on Wei-Shon-Gin like that, I mean, a fucking original one. It's not gonna win, probably. But it's there. But then we got delay, deny, deport, all Italians. Oh, God. But he said Italians.

I love it. Yeah, so it said Italians, so it's okay. You can make fun of Italians. It's the only people you can make fun of. But not on the list. But it's funny, though. But it's not on the list. Not on the list. Then we got Juan Soto is a screwed-in Dominican kid band.

It's just a Met fan. Just a Met fan. Then we got, in the name of the father, the bill, his piece made me ill. Now my toe juice has fumes. I don't know what that means. Then we got Adolf Rizler. $3 billionaire. I've walked into one yet, right? Yeah. $3 billionaire. I walked into one. Yeah, right. Yeah. $3 billionaire. Then we got, I live

in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. Catapult. Yeah, get the catapult, right? Catapult. Yeah. Because that's a tight space. Just calling it an awkward space is very funny. WEPA in the morning cured my anxiety. My glue gun is sticky because Christy's got a massive winky. Sammy my glue gun bleeds red white and blue and glue. Betsy DeRoss is going to make America leak again. The public school kids are not for the table. Okay. It took three years but Yanni table. Okay. It took three years but Yanni can walk into one. But funny. Funny. Yeah, but did walk into one. Funny. Funny. Then we got Tony Hawks Pro Israel. That's what it is. Sorry, ma'am. Yeah. I don't know what that means. Yeah, I don't know. Then we got Blue Chew for wife, Natty for guys, it's what it is cuz.

Bad friend. Is he saying he gave his wife a blue chew? Yeah, it's what it is. Then we got, but he's saying blue chew for his wife, but he doesn't need a blue chew for guys. Jim Norton. Oh, Jim Norton. Oh yeah.

Wait, so yeah, is he trying to say a spin on that or whatever? Well, it's just funny because he's trying to say a spin on that or whatever? Well it's just funny because he's saying he needs a blue chew to get hard for his wife but when he's with a guy he doesn't need anything, he just gets hard. He's saying he's a gay kid. He's a gay kid, yeah. It's funny though, that's funny. I like it.

Then we got Hitler's Argentinian submarine, the SS Loquet. Pretty creative. That's very creative. Argentinian, they speak Spanish. You gotta put them on the list. Got it. It's just creative. Michelle's dangling ham. Jesus Christ, they're coming after Michelle. Poor fucking Michelle. Sarah Silverman's milky jugs.

She does got nice jugs. She does. Uncle Russell rubbed Bobby Lee's tiger pussy for good luck every day for a summer at least a chicken finger love you sluts Okay, all right dreaming of Drexler battles for balance Sean Terry combs This is for Chrissy's mortgage Good wood good chicken finger chicken finger TT Jerry's meat cleaver Good one. Thank you ladder 14 is a way of life. It's what it is. Shaved my balls and tucked it back. Call me Kamala Hairless. It's probably the best Kamala, but they're

dated now. But they're dated now. Okay, we'll do one more page and then we'll pick the list. We'll pick the winners. Okay. Call me Genghis Khan because I like to bang out Eastern Hemis. Asian, Asians. He did bang a lot. 13% of the population is like, he has his game in it.

Didn't get a good laugh from them though. He got a good laugh from one guy. Yeah, which is, from one guy who's got an Asian fetish who likes getting fucking rub and tucks. Yeah, he does. Kamala Harrison Ford stars in Indiana Raiders of the Campaign Funds. Wait, hold on. My mic went out.

Yeah, that deserves another read because it's really good. Here he is. Kamala Harrison Ford stars in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Campaign Funds featuring Leroy Patel. Because Indiana Jones is very funny. That's funny. That's, you think that's List? No, no, Drexler, Drexler, yeah. Okay, Diddy's micelle, he put glue in my belly. What do you think?

List? List, alright, alright, list. Ebola, Lola, Titus, the Roodula, okay? Chrissy's long lost son. Chrissy's long lost kid. Walked into one? What does that mean? Walked into one, might have to call an attorney. Yeah.

Walked into one, might have some explaining to do to jazz. Yeah, yeah. But I didn't, you know. Does it ring a bell, the name? You know. If, yeah. Well, but that's okay. It's okay. It's all a blessing.

Yeah, you have your own Jon Snow somewhere out there. It's all a blessing. It's a blessing. It's a blessing. What's one more Puerto Rican kid? Yeah, what have your own Jon Snow somewhere out there. It's all a blessing. It's a blessing. It's a blessing. Yeah. What's one more Puerto Rican kid? Yeah, what is it? 420.

Could have been 420, but that's not her name. Yeah, 420. It's not her name. Yeah, but yeah, okay. So let me just breathe. Yeah, take a breath. Tumbleware pimp loving intermittent fasting pig meets his best pod Greek cun loving cuz, okay. Little wordy. Little wordy. Oh, here we go, our D his best pod, Greek cun lovin' cuz. Okay.

Little wordy. Little wordy. Oh, here we got our Diner Monkey Award. Peter Kumakoulis. Oh yeah. Diner Monkey. That kid works at a restaurant. Yeah.

Chrissy slipped a fistie in my fume undercarriage and now my hips are stretched in a different way. Leroy Block Shots, not cocks. Amy, no fumes. Josephine. Jorge Squeaks. I like Jorge squeaks. The big eunuch with a micro unit it's what it is. Cloning Chrissy D and Yanni P to make them my squeaks. I ate chicken fingers out of father Bill's hummus tunnel wepa wepa cuzzies. Then we got Matza Monkey, I'm Catholic.

A toot that plays, a toot that likes to play the skin flute is just what it is, 337. Weishan Xian, Factory Worker. Daddy Three Skins. Matt Reif, Women from the Future, it's going to be Bazaas Electric. I don't know what that means. Potato Monkey, but look like a German kid, Gobaluski. Big gay Okerson. Big gay Okerson, funny.

I wrestle guys to eat their butich edge. Not bad. Not bad. Yanni Downey Jr. aka Cyclops Stamos. Whoa. Cyclops Stamos. Cyclops Stamos is funny. It's very funny.

And also Yanni Downey Jr. Yanni Downey Jr. is good. What do you think? What do you think? I don't know. They might be fading, though. We've been up here two hours. Yeah.

Drexler. We've got Drexler's head cattle. Yeah, Drexler. That's what it is. Andrew Santino? OK, he's on. Here it is. Then we got Eslo Kwe, Esquire Father Bill's attorney, okay.

Tamar Altani, Jugadad Hueso, Chrissy's first bumful, $3 Father Pill Cosby. We've had Pill Cosby. Pill Cosby, Dirty Boy. Landmine Alarm Clock. Milli Vanilli, foreskin Willy. Make no mistake, my collar's blue, pocket's green, skin white. Okay. Luigi shot straight to the back, cutie patootie man gioni.

Fictional persona. And then last but not least, N Nanking Jap who banged out a few on my platoon because I didn't know who was who walked into one you walked into that one and the Luigi one was just shot straight what do you think you think we got the list should we go a few more what do you guys think just a few more and that's it there's only two people that said a few more I think we got it no okay yeah I'm just taking a peek. So that's yeah. Is that good? Um, uh, maybe one more page. It might be a couple and that's it. This is

the last one. Yeah, there's about 10 more and then that's it. And then we'll do this list. Early onset, poppice, like early onset, early Yon-set. That's Drexler. Okay, come swallow Harris. Then we got Garrett, give me some lobster bisque before I send you to the Leroy Abyss, Parker. Okay. I think you walked into one there. I did walk into one again, sorry.

Yanni's Honeydew X-Ray Piece. No drones over Smithtown water or else you're going in the microwave. B-carpetry LLC, harder softwood, I'll make it work. Screwed in kind of. Moving to New Hampshire. Leonardo that's not custard in my beard Da Vinci. Got it. He's got cum in his beard. Yeah. Father Bill kissed me and I liked it the taste of communion wafer chapstick. No? Okay. Penis sized nipples with nipple sized penis. Put them on the list. See there's one on the list. Put a list. If anything that was worth it. Yeah that was worth it. Call me Fumarion because I'm putting Chris in the cuck box, okay?

Back shots from Matteo making me crave tomato. AOC's glue gun is my October surprise. Big Mike's extended Clippo chaos. Thirsty for Rife's cute little powdered donut. Half laser beam, half potato monkey, call me Steph Curry. Dylan DeWette? Wait, wait, wait. Oh, sorry.

Okay. It's interesting. Yeah, say it again. Half laser beam, half potato monkey, call me Steph Curry. Jux, Jux. Okay. This is what it is. Eunuch Yannis' punani is for the table with Christy Gluebox.

Snow Monkey, Third Riker, but I like Burr Kreischer. The fumarian, a stench. Nathan, I'm a sauce monkey, but I'm kind of chunky. That's why they call me the guinea pig. Okay. That's Witty. Witty. Drexler. Then we got Agate and the guinea pig. OK. That's witty. Witty. Drexler.

Then we got Agate and Costello. Wow. Yeah. They dropped the F. Yeah, they dropped the F. Yep. OK. Drexler.

The Blix Greek Bandit, Bill's Monkey Tickler. And then we got Felipe, Double FF. Ike. So the hyenas could cackle once again. Yeah. Funny. Walked into one. Security. Walked into one could cackle once again. Funny. Walked into one. Security walked into one. All right. All right. We got some people. We got one on the list. Okay. So here we go.

They're going to help us pick. You're going to help us pick this list. Here we go. Here we go. All right. So we got leading off the list, Diddy's my celly. He put glue in my belly. Drexler. so he's out. One guy loves that. We're going to get it. Hitler's Argentinian submarine, the SS Loquet. I still know. Still, no, I don't know.

Is that still around? Contender still? It's only the second one. No, Drexler. Drexler. Weishan Combs. I like that one, but it's Drexler. I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes.

That's in. That's in. That's a big contender. That's what we call a contender right there. Okay, so that's a contender, so I'm going to just put that puppy here. That's a contender. I love we're doing these names like American Idol. Yeah.

And we'll be right back. If you voted blue, you gargle glue. That's still in. Contender. Then we got glue gun, my face can't see, now I'm late for mass. That's right there. You got to contender, contender. OK.

It's probably not going to win. It was the least reaction, but contender. When a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East. That's a contender. Oh, it's going to be tough. Tough. It's going to be tough.

Okay, and then we got Father Bill was my priest. I kind of like the guy. Contender. I mean, this is one of the most wild fucking things we've ever done here. Yeah, yeah. AOC sit on my face and roll dice. Nah, it's Drexler, Drexler. Drexler. Drexler.

More confused than Sammy Sosa's skin color? That was the first one, they were excited. Drexler. I mistakenly said the N-word in Hot 97 Freestyle and I'm white? That's a contender. Father Bill can technically give parental consent?

It's so good. Any other day, but the reaction got a Drexler. Okay. Drexler, so they're out. All right. And then we got Austin. I'm not saying they were right, but those Yugo Boss uniforms were tight, Rizner. Drexler, security. All right. All right. Then we got Dahmer orders marginalized men of Milwaukee for the table. For the table, it's just funny but it's got a Drexler, it's got contenders. Intermittent fasting but I'll make a box of black and white cookies disappear faster than the chef that caught Big Mike pegging Obama.

Funny but Drexler. Gandhi's cousin, aka Jay-Z's type, unfortunately. Drexler, Drexler. Gandhi's cousin, aka Jay-Z's type, unfortunately. Drexler, Drexler. Okay, alright. We're getting closer. Penis-sized nipples with nipple-sized penis. You gotta put it on the list. Wow, see, there you go.

That was a fucking contender, and that was one of the last ones we... Still a contender. Okay, alright, hold on, let me get this out of here, and then we will fucking do this. Here's the coding. Now this is where it gets real tough. Now we narrow it down. OK, so we have, I mistakenly said the N-word in Hot 97, freestyle and I'm white.

OK? Let's just go off a poll. I think that's getting Drexard. Okay. Yeah. Getting Drexard. The back of the room likes it because we can't see them. Right.

When a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East. This one's still in. That one's still in. Father Bill was my priest. I kind of like the guy. Also still in. Still in.

Still in. Penis-sized nipples with nipple sized penis. Jesus. Might have to be out though. That wasn't as big as the other two. That's the whole thing. Because now you're in the finals. You're in the finals now. We got to choose now. This is what makes this tough. We're in the finals. We're in the finals. So this is out. Yeah. Okay. All right. Glue gun my face. Can't see see now I'm late for mass. Drexar, Drexar.

So Drexar's out. Yeah, he's tough, that's what's, it's tough. But this is where it gets tough. Some of them have to go. If you voted blue, you gargle glue. Drexar, Drexar. So they're out. Yeah.

So it's coming, okay. We're getting close and the audience is helping. I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. Wow. All right. Wow. So I'm gonna call this right here. This is who, no, but this between Yanni's eyes. Wow. Alright. Wow. So I'm going to call this right here. This is who, no, but this is who it's between.

It's between, honestly, I know that you think there's a couple more, but it is really between these two. It is between I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes and when a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East. These are the two options. There was a third one though. No? That's it? Was it Father Bill was my priest? I kind of like the guy? Yeah.

But it's really, I mean, if we're just going off, just my opinion, if we're just going off honest first laughs, the Middle East one got an applause break and it made people feel happy. Yeah, it makes people feel happy. So is it that one? And there are a lot of white cucked out Washington DC people in here and there is a Muslim in the crowd and they want to make her feel welcome. Yes and we hope she does. So it is between one more time round of applause for let's wait till I finish them. Let them decide. When a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East.

Okay, listen. Or I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. That's the winner. It sounds like it's a pro-Israel crowd. It's a pro-Israel crowd. And the winner of this PPW is I live in that awkward space. I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. You can see your Patreon name up at historyandhisback.com. Guys, thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.

This was fucking awesome. We hope you had a good time. Thank you so much for coming out on such a wild weekend, everybody. Good night.