History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - Bert Kreischer- Lucky to be Alive

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

Bert Kreischer drops in to talk about how he’s the Ulysses S. Grant of comedy, his political heroes, and how he could take over an African village. He also discusses life as an empty nester with his wife and more. His special Lucky is on Netflix now! Support our sponnsors: OpenPhone: Streamline and scale your customer communications with OpenPhone. Get 20% off your first 6 months at https://www.OpenPhone.com/hyenas. http://lucy.co/hyenas Download the app today and use code HYENAS to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup! https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/HYENAS #comedy #Podcast #History Join our Patreon at 👇 https://www.patreon.com/historyhyenas/ Subscribe to the poddy woddy Our YouTube!: https://bit.ly/2ARdDOz HH Clips:https://bit.ly/2YaK2Z8 iTunes: https://apple.co/2UQTHCc Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fxtsc0 Hyenas Merch!!! https://teespring.com/stores/historyhyenas Follow us Cuz! 🙆🏻‍♂️ Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ 🙆🏼‍♂️ Chris Distefano Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website - https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ 🐕More Hyenas Website: www.historyhyenasisback.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/historyhyenas/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HistoryHyenas Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/historyhyenaspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Yeah. Yes. Both girls go to college. Both girls are now in college. I stopped doing the road and I come home and it's me and Leanne. 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I mean, I wake up and look at her and go, you again, huh? How many times did you dial the first three numbers of a divorce lawyer?

You know, someone's like nine one when they're like, no, no, no, it's good. We got into couples therapy just to have another person to talk to. What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Giannis Pappas and I'm sitting next to Chris DiStefano, Mr. Met and I'm also sitting next to the one and only Machine Burt Kreischer. Yeah. Thank you for having me, gentlemen.

Thank you for being here. Got a great special on Netflix called Lucky, and he's very thankful that the show Adolescence is out, because it's bringing the numbers up. Yeah. All I know is that that, I'll just say that that show Adolescence is the network's favorite show. The network's like losing their mind for it. Let me just say that. show, Adolescents, is the network's favorite show. The network's like losing their mind for it. I haven't seen it.

It's amazing. It's a masterpiece, but it's a little bit of a downer. It's a little disturbing. So a perfect cleanser, a nice little scoop of vanilla ice cream dripped in a lot of brandy and Jägermeister and beer and good tunes and journey music and fucking male tits. Good thing. Bird Crysher. Bird Crysher, I'm telling you, that show, Adolescents, here's how wild that show is, is I'm telling you, you're going to feel better about yourself when you watch Bird Crysher

special and in the first five minutes of Bird's special he talks about his wife sucking his dick and that her tits smell. So that's, so just know, that's how wild your Netflix thing's gonna be. I would actually prescribe it that way. Like I watched the show last night, I think it's a masterpiece, I think it's one of those moments that captures a cultural phenomenon

that's happening right now that's very disturbing, and I would prescribe it, I would go, Burt's special's out, watch, watch adolescence, and then immediately, so you don't go put a gun in your mouth, go have a party right after, get dessert, and that dessert is fucking Burt Kreischer. I'm getting a lot of messages from the special

because the last story I do, the last bit, is about putting our dog down. And if you look at my stories, all it is is people crying. And I remember when I was doing that bit on the road, I was like, I'm never putting this in the special. It was weird because you'd see grown men sobbing because everyone loves their dog. And so many people, it's crazy how many people

just put a dog down this week. And so... Yeah, because they die so quick. You would think about there's so many people at the same time having put their dog down because dogs only live, you're constantly putting dogs down. And they become family members.

It's like having a child that only lives till 14. Dogs die at the same rate, Ukrainian still. Yeah. It's what I expected. They're kind of like in a war, they just die. Our bullmastiff, Priscilla, we put her down. We got another bullmastiff, prettier I'd argue, but dumber,

Mack. And we just found out he has cancer. We have found out they both have cancer. Izzy, our other Bullmastiff, and Mack both have cancer at the exact same time. You think it's your comedy? Maybe you, it's killing these dogs. Or maybe you're getting so drunk you're just leaving a bottle around and the dog's just like... We're like those kids and those families in upstate Pennsylvania that we're all getting brain cancer. Yeah, yeah.

You're like, what's the common thing? Bird crisis comedy? And they said to me, they said to us, you know, Max got cancer. It's not good. It could be depending on what, if this works, it could be anywhere from three months before. And so we're like, wow, man, I love the fuck out of that dog. That day I found out, I sat with that dog on the couch and whatever he wanted, he was all over me and drooling and I was just looking at him going, buddy,

I'm going to miss you. And then the doctor called the next day and they go, actually, I think he's got like 18 months. And I was like, oh, okay. You're like, I'm going back out on tour then. You text Shane Torres, come on, dude. That's hilarious. Yeah, well, you're on tour so much, you'd have to find out about your dog's death through a FaceTime video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been toured, last night was the first, this weekend was the first time I did standup

in nine months. I took nine months off. You took nine months? I didn't realize that. Oh, shit. Just fully home, like mostly just doing pods and home with the fam. I know, because you guys are sensitive guys,

that this will resonate. Yes, you could say we're gay men. Yeah. Yes. Both girls go to college. Both girls are now in college. I stopped doing the road, and I come home, and it's me and Leanne, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I mean, I wake up and look at her and go, you again, huh? Yes. How many times did you dial the first three numbers of a divorce lawyer? You know, if somebody's like 91, when they're like, no, no, no, it's good. We got into couples therapy

just to have another person to talk to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna use that. The one joke I wrote, I told this week, I knew I was gonna spend this much time with someone, I would've married a dude.

I mean, it is non-stop. She texted me when I was in Vegas this weekend and she was like, this is the longest we've been away from each other in nine months. And I'm like, I mean, we went to France together, we went to Spain together, went to London together. We just do everything. Not comedy, just life. Just living life.

Just life. And reaping the benefits of your career finally, it's first time you've taken off in yeah But I don't like it right. I'd rather work. I'd rather work Yeah, and when I got on stage, this is so silly But when I go on stage and you know through 3,500 people in Vegas two nights in a row Yeah, standing ovation when you walk out. I closed my eyes and I was like, this is where I belong Yeah, fuck I'm gonna do with this lady. this lady? And this is my favorite thing in the world. What do you think, because now that your daughters

are grown at a house, they're living their life, they don't, the time that you have with them is just much less, because even though you're fucking Bert Kreischer, your daughters still don't wanna hang out with their dad. Dude, it's so crazy, you don't realize, you spend every day with your kid until they're 18, and then you see them a few times a year,

and you're like, whoa It's so bizarre. I'm not gonna cry. I dude it's it's it's wild because those are my guys those are my team I'm we're in everything together. We went on vacations together and And now you like I don't mean to get them at the same time Like I don't get both of them Dude, the best was Saturday mornings both both of them coming out with all their girlfriends and you have a bunch of kids in the things. Dudes too, they'd all sleep in our screening room

and I'd make everyone breakfast and now it's just me and Leanne. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you know it's gonna happen to all of us. We got a gun. Yeah, seriously. You know it's gonna happen to all of us

because I didn't wanna hang out with my parents because my parents were a little bit of a fucking bore. Let's be honest. They're a bore, yeah. My dad was a lawyer, my mom was a human rights lawyer, she was always ranting about communism or something like that. And like, so you know, yeah. You know if fucking,

Burke Reich's kids don't wanna hang out with him, we're fucked. We're fucked. Because you're a good hang. I texted them yesterday, I texted the group, we have a Baby Walrus chat thread, and I texted the group, I said, South Africa, one week, go week go on Safari who's in

Still no one's replied Wow, they fucking they want to spend time with you So how Oscar Pistorius got out of it? Yeah Say was an intruder. Do you remember Jim Jeffries joke on that? No. It was great. Jim Jeffries doesn't remember it. It was great because it basically was a retort joke. But he was like, ahhh, and falling on the ground. Yeah. But, yeah. But you know what, that's awesome that, because I always think about that, like, you know,

when I see somebody like you, who's obviously done so well, I mean, you've reached the Mount Olympus many times, I'm like, oh, like I was, I was like, if I was ever fortunate enough to get to that level, I'd be like, I think I would come off the road. But then hearing you be like, the thing that gets you there is the thing that keeps you there. You can't just come off.

I'm like a shark, I need to keep moving. I don't know why I need to keep moving, but I need to keep moving. I just, it's like, it's cool to like, to get into your feelings and slow down. But ultimately, you know, I said to my daughter, Georgia, I go, God, I get bummed. When I look on Instagram, I feel like I'm not living my life

because I'm just at home. My daughter, Georgia, goes, Dad, if you feel like you're not living your life on Instagram, you're out of your fucking mind. She goes, I look at your Instagram and I get jealous. Because I'm your kid. And so- That's funny she said that

because I was, when I ever see your stuff come up, I'm like, oh, Bert must feel like pinch himself every love it. You must you see the whole world with your comedy But it's interesting to hear you say you feel different, dude I look at I look at was Stobby had to show sold out shows in Denver and I was like god damn I'm not doing shit with my life like you like he just he just did him at the Paramount I was like, I remember when I did the Paramount the fuck am I doing myself? Yeah, and meanwhile you have more tickets doing night. I'm doing Red Rocks. That's what I'm saying.

Red Rocks. Yeah, that can't be healthy, dude. No, it's not good. Instagram is poison. Yeah, it is poison. I mean, luckily, like, I get on those, you ever get on a good thread where it's like David Goggins quotes?

Sure. And you're like, oh, I got a good history joke for you. Okay, so the whole thing on Instagram is like, dude, get get the fuck out of bed 3 a.m. Go for a run Don't say don't be a bitch and then let me tell you a story about a guy. Okay, Italian guy He he he gets up every morning he's a he's a health nut and he goes for a jog and he's in a jog something like like Cuomo and And he sees a big crowd and he goes hey What that crowds are doing? Huh? And he goes over and he sees his boss strung upside down and he goes

Oh shit, that's a Mussolini. That's my guy. And then they go. Hey Aren't you his director of communication? He goes I am and they will kill him too. So don't go for a jog today Yeah, yeah that guy died and that's go for a jog today. That's how that guy died. And that's a real story. That's a true story. That's wild. Because they didn't know if it was really Mussolini. Because he was dead and upside down. And people were like, identify him.

Is that your boss? And he goes, it is. He's in his running shoes. They killed him, strung him up next to Mussolini. What happened? Yeah, the thing about David Goggins is you don't hear the real story. You're like, OK, what is motivating you

to hurt yourself doing this? Like he's got like knee problems. Yeah, what demon are you running from that you need to do that every single day? Yeah, and it's funny, cause all kids are watching and it's like, I'm not enough, I'm not enough. Well, it's funny, and it's funny, like you need sometimes like the woman in your life to like,

cause we're so, you know, inundated with comedy and like work hard and whatever. And like, so I read that book, I read that Goggins book and the most recent or the one one from a couple years ago, and it was fascinating. And I had Jasmine, my girl read it. 10 pages in, she's like, this guy is a piece of shit. And I was like, what?

I was like, he's the man, I'm repeating his quotes, his workout, she's like, this guy's a piece of shit. She goes, you wanna be like this guy? It's like his kids don't talk to him, he's divorced. What are you talking about? And I'm like, yeah, but he's fucking, he's not a pussy. And she's like, Chris, stop. And I'm like, oh, okay.

Plus he's talking to normal people who like work at Wegmans supermarket and he's going like, get out there. He's like, I'm working a double and then if I do that, I'm gonna kill my, like I need to go home and drink myself to death. I'm a fan, I like ag. I gotta remember the fact that I live in Rochester, New York and I don't have any motivation and

I gotta fucking drink myself to death to deal with the fact that I got fucking Rochester all around me. Yeah, it's what it is. I can't go for a fortune now. That's literally, Yanis watched Adolescence, which is a show about a teenage boy, you know, committing a murder and his parents and family and life falling apart, and because Yannis had shows in Rochester, it literally finally brought some happiness to him for those four hours you were watching.

Because Rochester is bad. Would you rather be right now in Kiev or Rochester? You said he killed a girl. I just call him one of Andrew Tate's loyal soldiers. They talk about Andrew Tate in that film too. I met Andrew Tate. Yeah? I met Andrew Tate at UFC. What kind of wisdom did he have? I met him and his brother. I met him, it was like the wildest fucking group of guys. It was an algorithm was standing there.

It was like Steve will do it, Andrew Tate, like the NELC boys, it was an algorithm. And I got caught off guard, man. I just was like, oh shit, Andrew Tate? That's our generation's rap pack. Seriously. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of, yeah. It's like, I'm gonna go to the gym. I just was like, oh shit, Andrew Tate? That's our generation's rap pack.

Seriously. Yeah. It's kind of a, yeah. What you got to do to be famous now isn't dancing or singing anymore. It's like, yeah, tell these guys that they got to go out there and fuck these girls. Right.

What it is. You know, Rogan used to say he wanted to be less famous. I think he did the wrong thing to get less famous. I was going to say, yeah. I mean, I get it, but he went the other way. He might be the most famous man on the planet. I said something to him the other day that I didn't realize what I was saying, but now that chat GPT will tell you what to text back

to people when they text you, like when people text you, then chat to you GPT and be like, oh, I'm so sorry I can't do that. I have a prior commitment. And then I, cause I never know what to say to famous people when they text me, like they'll text me and I just go, I panic and then I ghost them. Yeah. And I was saying to Rogan, I was like, fucking this chat GPT things also I go, I can finally reply to famous people, not realizing Joe is the most famous person in the world. And I never reply to him. Right.

And I'm a horrible replying to texts. Horrible. Yeah. Yeah. I could show you our texts. I'm horrible at replying to texts, horrible. Yeah, yeah, I could show you our texts. I'm bad. Maybe it's because Burd takes up famous. But dude, I wanted to talk to you about, because obviously we all know about you love to drink, love to party, one of the most viral fucking things about how much you love alcohol, and it's great, and my boys listen to it before they go out drinking,

and whatever. But I want to talk to you about the other most famous person who loves alcohol as much as you do who did great things in this world was we feel Ulysses S. Grant. What do you know about Ulysses S. Grant? I know nothing about Ulysses S. Grant. You don't know one thing about him? I wouldn't I was just saw on the screen that he was president and I was shocked when I read that. He was president he was the head of the Union Army in the Civil War. So it was like Robert E. Lee of the South, your boys.

Yeah. Right? And then the good guys. My dogs. Yeah, the good guys, we had this man, Ulysses S. Grant. Now this guy, Ulysses S. Grant, would get fucking annihilated. Okay, now let's start here. Okay.

So for any of my heroes, I have certain things that need to make you a hero like Winston Churchill. Sure. He's a hero He's a big one, right? He's a hero because he lived to like 93. Right. I didn't know he had five strokes But he lived to 93. Yes That is the yeah. Yeah, so that's the number one thing. How old is Ulysses S. Grant? Ulysses S. Grant, I want to say Ulysses He lived into so he lived from 63 years 18. No, we'll take S. Grant, I want to say Ulysses, he lived into, so he lived from 63 years. 18, no. We'll take it.

Yeah, 63. And what's amazing about Ulysses S. Grant is at the end of his life though, he died of I believe throat cancer. The thing is, if you died of throat cancer, no matter what point in history, it's because you were just eating ass and smoking cigars. That's what it is and that's what he did. That's fine. But at the end of his life, he died, you know, even though he was president and

a hero in the Civil War, almost penniless and what a lot of people don't know is Mark Twain, the famous Mark Twain, wrote his autobiography and just gave him all the money because he had no money. So he was, because he just drank himself, like he was such a bad drunk that he literally was president of the United States and just even shit the bed with that. Wait, hold on. Was he president of the United States and just even shit the bed with that. Wait, hold on. Was he president of the United States before the Civil War? No, after.

After. He got famous. Wait, hold on. Hang on. He lost the Civil War? No, he won the Civil War. Oh, he was on your team. Yeah, he was on our team.

I know Confederate boys think you guys think you should have won, but actually we did win. I mean, if the South would have won, we would have had it made. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. That's a song by Hank Williams. You know that? Yes. If the South would have regretted me. I dare you to come out to that on your next tour.

He totally could. What are you talking about? People would go nuts. Yeah. What are you talking about? I mean, dude, when you look at a Burt Kreischer's crowd, if I put a picture of Burt Kreischer's crowd in black and white in the Confederate Army in black and white, you would not know the fucking difference.

Let me just tell a story real quick. Tell a story. Let. Tell a story. Let me tell a story about Burt Kreischer's fort, right? I love that Yannis, our biggest guest we've had, and Yannis is in his fucking pajamas. Yeah. I love that Yannis is in his wife's pajamas right now. It's not a big deal.

Yeah. So we, I went on, Burt was nice enough to have me on the boat cruise. Yeah. And it was a phenomenal time. I had a great time. I did karaoke. I drank. It was just such a good time.

Everyone was partying. The funniest thing that happened at that cruise was at some point there was a Speedo contest, right? So there's a Speedo contest. I wish you were there, dude. I wish you were there. Because he loves to sculpt fat people. That's his thing, he sculpts fatties.

But just to see... because you... Nothing is better than watching black people watch white people do white people things. Yeah. So Ms. Pat... Wait, the only thing that's better than that is white people watching black people watch magic. Yes! That's right! They watch it. Like, I actually was like... I went to Tanzania once and I went into the Messiah tribe and I was like I bet I Could conquer these people just with a couple magic. Yeah

Yeah, yeah God yeah, oh my god, yeah, so this Pat was on the tour and she brought like 30 of her family. She had a plus 30. Yes, right. Yes, she did like 30 of her family. She had a plus 30. Yes, yes she did. Her whole family was there, right? So they're out there on the deck and the Speedo contest starts and then I think Burt is offering like five grand to the guy who's got the smallest dick. Right, five thousand dollars to the guy who will show us the smallest dick. Show us the smallest dick. I mean you're in international waters at that point, what's the difference? No crime committed there. Wait, Pete, do you still have the picture of that guy's dick? I have a video of it. Great. You want to see this dick? No crime committed there. Wait Pete you saw the picture of that guy's dick Great, I mean you want to see this dick we would love to and you're gonna see that dick at my penis patreon.com

History I need is where you can we will show that dick, but here we got to blur it out I think it was ended up being a tie between two micro penises. It was two micro penises. I had to give him each $5,000 And it was the dick was in I mean it was insane but what I was doing was watching this and when I mean I was dying, I mean like I couldn't breathe. Yeah. I'm bowing over, these guys are going up there. They're fucking atrocious. Yeah. They got these Speedos on.

Some guys got thongs on and they're fucking dancing like white guys. Right. Like horribly. The music's coming on. I'm just watching Miss Pat's family watch this. They're going, oh my God. They just going, he's my boy Cray, they just going. And then these guys pull out their dicks and Miss Pat's family was just like, the stereotype is true. Yeah. Junebug, her son Junebug was like, oh my god. I mean, the smallest, it was just horrible white people dancing

and then the smallest penis and it was just horrible white people dancing and then the smallest penis and it was just black women watching, going back to their neighborhoods, going like everything you've heard about white people is true. Small dicks, they can't dance. They look like they've been burned with car cigarette lighters. Ms. Pat's family took over that cruise. They ran, we had scheduled stuff for the afternoon to party and they just took it over. They got on stage, they got the microphones,

they took the aux cord, and they ran the entire fucking afternoon party. Dude, Miss Pan, I had Miss Pan on my podcast once years ago and she came in and she brought her daughter and a couple of members of her family. I was doing my podcast out of like my little tiny apartment and I just had her family sit on the podcast with me and it was unbelievable. I mean mean you start talking to one of her

daughters she's like I used to sell crack outside of school and you're like what? She's like I did my time. The first podcast I did with Miss Pat this has got to be fucking 12 years ago 15 years ago. Yeah. In Indianapolis when she was living in Indianapolis and she comes to my hotel room and we do it in my hotel room and she brings her son June June Bug, who is a grown man, and he proceeds to get into my hotel bed, take his shoes off, get into the bed, and go to sleep for the podcast, in my bed. He's like, in my bed, and I went.

Didn't ask you, just did it. Just got in bed, under the covers, my pillow. Yeah, great. We did a podcast, me, him, and Mark Norman, that never aired, because I think we just got too crazy. We were too drunk. You, who, and Mark Norman? Me, Bert, and Bert.

Oh, and Mark, I thought you were, I thought you were talking about Junebug. You don't remember? Yeah, we did like a two hour podcast, live podcast, and everyone on your team was going like, we can't air that. You can't, oh, oh, oh, we, oh, we, that was, oh my God. We should air that. Yeah, you should.

We should air that. Oh fuck, I've had some bad ones where like. You're not even, you're blackout drunk, you don't know what you're saying No clue, right? No clue. How many days? How many days in a row in your life do you think you've had at least one sip of alcohol? What's the longest streak you ever did? Oh, no Like years without missing one day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not judging. I'm

I would say I would say 20 22 is when it started and then I would say from 22 to easily to 40. Yeah. 40 is the first time I took like a real big break. So 18 years in a row. I feel like you drinking alcohol every day for 18 years is like me eating a booger. I've eaten a booger every day for the last 25 years. I ate one this morning. Dude, but also my drinking is deceptive, like it... You're not deceiving us! Yeah I was wondering before I went on the tour, I was like, does he drink like that? And then I went in there and he does drink like that.

What's deceptive? Cause your cheeks are purple! You're wearing your liver in your cheeks! What do you mean deceptive? That's your urine you fucking psycho! You look like you just climbed out of a body of water that you were in for two days. Yeah. My cheeks get red lately.

Not red, they're purple. Mark Twain's going to have to write autobiography. You look as grand. I wish we'd go back to black and white. Yeah. No, but like, I will drink, like yesterday I had a, we had a glass of champagne to start our day. And then I had two drinks for the plane and then I passed out.

All right. And then had a beer before landing. Yeah. And then came in, had a beer when we landed. Yeah. And then had, I didn't finish my drink at dinner and we had a glass of champagne before I went to bed. Yeah, that's about six, seven drinks.

But it's one of the- Throughout the day. Throughout the day, yeah. I've had six, seven drinks this month. Right. Are you serious? Yeah, it's possible, seven drinks, but but it's one throughout the day. Yeah. I've had six seven drinks this month, right? Are you serious? Yeah, it's possible. Yeah, that's crazy. It's good. Hold on. Yeah, so you go home and you just sit there Yeah, I don't do anything. Yeah, you just go like no, I'm gonna go to bed now and you go Yeah, you gotta understand Yannis's life Yannis the car he drives the life he lives We've talked about this Yannis lives the life of a fireman's wife. He's a fireman's wife. So you know if the fireman is drinking 30 beers in a month the wife would have a few. So he

has a few. He drives a white Tesla. If you saw Yanis, if I wrote Yanis's attributes, he would say that's the wife of a fireman. Yeah. Chris said that because I had a white BMW and that's exactly what a fireman's wife would have. Fireman's wife is what it is. Her husband's doing very well. As long as he gets me that white BMW I'm fine. Even right now he's wearing the clothes of a fireman's wife.

Some fireman's wife is walking around in his big sweats and his white shirt. Look with ankle socks on. Fireman's wife. Like if I said to you, if I said to you right now, we should do a shot, that doesn't make your heart race? Like where you go, oh fuck yeah. Yeah, with fear. For real? Yeah, because it's like not even one.

So here's the thing though, here's the thing. I would probably do it, but what it is, I think something that you have, this is why I personally, and I swear to God, I think you're going to live to over 100 because yours, you remind me of... Let's not get crazy. Yeah. Minus 50. Minus 50. I'll take 70. 100 in dog ears. Let's not get crazy.

No, so, no, because a guy, because here's what I think you have, and I remember my... What? I think you have and I remember my what I think fire alarm conducting a conducting I thought Hamas I thought I'm on yeah it does it does sound a lot like what you would have heard in 9-11 we have taken over yeah no what you heard was we it's a false alarm what you heard it's actually Burt's liver talking so so so so so what you have is this, is I think, I remember a guy, I saw this group of old men, right? And they were eating, I think we were in Salt Lake City, and they were eating muffins, and like fucking one guy

had like a big piece of cheesecake. And so me and the guy I was on tour with, shout out to Stevie Giacconi and Rice Aroney, were out there, and I say to the guy, I said, look at these guys, they're like 90, eating this shit. So when we're leaving, one guy asked me, because this I said look at these guys, they're like 90, eating this shit. So when we're leaving, one guy asked me, because this happens, he goes, are you a ball player?

And I said no, I'm actually, I do comedy at Salt Lake City. He was like, oh, yeah, it was comedy at Wise Guys. He was like, oh, okay. And I asked you a question, I said, you're eating all that stuff. Are you just eating that because you're at the end of your life? He goes, I've been eating a piece of cake

every day in my life since I'm 20. And he said, you know what the difference between my generation and your generation is? I said, what? He goes, we don't stress about this shit all day like you do. He goes, I just fucking eat it and move on. And I don't think about it again, other than in the moment

when I'm eating it and enjoying it. He goes, what's killing you is not the sugar. He's probably wrong, it is the sugar. But he's saying. But he's saying. R.F.K. Jr. here. Right, but he's saying, but he said, what you, what's worse for you is your brain.

And I think that's true to that. I would worry about the shot all day. You just do it and move on. And you've shown in the gym what you can do, how your endurance, it's like because you just move on. I'm the strongest I've ever been. I'm in the best shape physically. We got a 5K coming up.

I just benched 325 pounds. Like I'm in great shape and I party and I party. But the thing is, the thing for me that I can't wrap my head around that you are cool with is the moment, the moment when like I'm about, I'm a romantic, I think was the moment where someone goes, Leanne will go, you want to open a bottle of Rose? And I'm like, oh man, my fucking heart.

I go, fuck yeah. But when they come up to you at the airport or in the plane and they're like, can I get you a drink? Like, yeah drink like yeah fucking I'm not doing anything for four hours, right? Let's have a fucking drink. Let's get to know the guy next to me, right? Like I love like I enjoy that I enjoy that but I also take breaks from not drinking now and I also get IVs twice a week. I work out with a trainer every day. I Like I'm kind of I drink I mean I drink seven waters last night before bed. Seven 19-ounce liquid desks to try to flood my system because I don't know, I get, so I take care of myself. Also, I don't

eat carbs. I only eat really clean. Your food is clean. Clean as shit. When you're drunk, you're not eating McDonald's. Nope. I don't eat. I don't fuck around with food. You've always been this way? No, recently. Recently, when I took three months off from not drinking, and during that I got into keto,

and Rogan got me into carnivore diet, and I really kind of fell in love with it. And when I went to the doctor next, my levels were perfect. And the doctor's like, whatever you're doing, keep it up. And I just got blood work a couple months ago, and they were even better than and I was partying And I was like how is this possible and like well you I see a longevity doctor, so I'm on testosterone Metformin I got blood pressure medicine cholesterol medicine. I'm on all the pills I I think IVs twice a week are really helpful right but you're like the Joey chestnut of drinking Yeah, it's like you're training for like a drinking contest. If you're running a business, Chrissy,

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order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Yeah, so, yeah, so I I but you know, it's also funny You said Robert F Kennedy jr. Yeah. Yeah, cuz he's stolen out fucking health advice, right? That's the guy's eat the cheesecake. Just don't stress about yeah I'm with Joe the other night and we're having dinner and he goes, oh, you know a book, you know fucking read I said, what's that news RFK just put out a book He goes get an audio book get the audio book

Is it called only the Jews and Chinese Can't Get? By the way, black comics are the, I always think are just the best, like humans, they're the best athletes, and I think the best comics. I saw a guy, I don't even know who the fuck, what his name even is. He was just almost like open mic level,

but we was talking about RFK, he was like, that motherfucker RFK, he goes, his voice, he sound like he talking into a massage chair. And I just thought that was hilarious. That was the panic in my heart. As I started the audio book, I was like, please don't read it. Black dudes are, I was, I was doing a bit about black guys. They are fucking awesome.

They really are the women I can take it or leave it, but the, but the Pat, I like this path. They can be a bit much. Yeah. Wait, have you ever dated a black chick? Sure. Like how dark? She was Jamaican. Yeah, like I want real dark.

I think that is so fucking sexy. It's so crazy, because Leanne's real white. Sure. Like pink nipples, like real white. And I didn't think I'd be into that. Now I think I'm realizing I'm into the extremes. white. Sure. Like pink nipples, like real white. And I didn't think I'd be into that. Now I think I'm realizing I'm into the extremes. Right. Sure.

Yeah. Right. I'm an all-enough-a-motherfucker. So you want like Wesley Snipes. You want like, you know. Type in blackest woman in the world. I mean, because the way that they cut that picture off isn't great.

Because I know she's from Nigeria, but they knocked out the art, and that's not good. You got to show that picture. That's not good. The way. You got to show who. Where is that is that? Who posted that? That is fucking perfect. The way fucking that this pic is cropped out is not going to cross from Nigeria but we only see the first few letters and she is gorgeous and I don't feel comfortable. Yeah and

also the country Niger. Who named that? Some Italian dude from Benhurst? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too close! Re-aid it! I don't even like Nicaragua. Yeah, yeah, seriously. Yeah. I think that's a little daisy. Yeah, yeah. Too close! I can't say that drunk.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the best player on bail or the NCAA tournament. Wait, did I say it wrong? No, no, yeah. Nicaragua! Nicaragua! Nicaragua! Yeah. What I'm gonna do, we're gonna get you drunk and secretly video you and make you say Nicaragua. Yeah You say quick five times fast

Yeah, yeah, you gotta take your time around that word. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah Arnold Schwartz the African American. Do you see the the the Nigerian basketball team put in Nigerian basketball, they're the darkest dudes in the world and their outfits are black. Oh wow. Their uniforms are black and just as black as they are. Yeah, they really leaned into it. But, no, no, that's the wrong one.

Oh, it's, I know who you mean. It's played in a court of gold documentary. What was that? That was Sudan. Sudan, oh that's it, Sudan. Sudan, yeah. Oh, the Sudan team, that's it, Sudan. Sudan, yeah. Oh, the Sudan team, that was like, you're like, whoa. Yeah, and I think that one of their-

Even our team was like, yo, yeah, wow, yeah. Yeah, wild. Wow, yeah. Yeah, they're- You think they're the guys in the NBA? I wonder, probably a couple of guys. Yeah.

Yeah, that court of gold documentary on Netflix, when you guys aren't watching Lucky by B Christchurch Netflix throwing that quarter goal documentary It's unreal even if you don't like sports. It was just so well made Do you guys know why the hair of African people is so kinky? Because in evolution it creates little air pockets. So it air conditions the head according to science I love shit like that. Yeah, I love shit like that. Do you know do you know was I was doing a joke on stage. It's it's a longer part of a joke, but Our best my best friend's Asian and these are the two facts that I found fucking phenomenal She's she's in the Soho right now oddly enough, but she you have a best friend who's an Asian woman

Yeah, and your wife's cool with that. Oh, it's her best friend, too Oh, it's our we're all three. Yeah. Our families are really close. Like I was gonna say, because what are you gonna say? Hey, she gives me massages. No, she would be horrible at that. But she, uh, one of the things she told me, like I was, I would say, don't, don't if you're a person of color, don't tell your people color secrets to white people because we use it against you. We're never never gonna use it for good right one thing Mexican women's do do you know this every time a Mexican woman her husband goes to work I'll be the woman you be the husband they do the stations

of the cross on them well in that fucking badass but it's like a weird thing I love little things like that you learn one of the things Sandy told me is they make special sunglasses for Asian people. Because they have to make smaller lenses? No. Yeah, is it made out of... They're not like this. I wasn't even trying to be a dick. I just thought that's what it was. Made out of dental floss? Yeah. Asian, that's not how you spell Asian. Yes. Athens. Yeah, the kid's retarded. Yeah, yeah. Jesse, he'll sculpt something. He has a great artist. Asian fit sunwear. Yeah. Asian Fit Sunwear. Asian Fit Sunwear. So if you Google it properly, it would tell you

the bridge of the Asian nose. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah. Dude, I actually Google, guys. Asian Fit Sunwear designed for people with lower nose bridges and higher cheekbones. So I put these on Sandy, they just fall in her mouth. Right, she's got a nose.

Yeah. You know, it's another fun fact about Koreans specifically. You've talked about here on the show, they have a gene in their body, a chromosome they cannot smell. They don't have BO and they don't need to wear deodorant. They don't have that. We have a gene in our, I forgot what it's called, but we have something that will make us our pit smell. They don't have that. They don't sweat, they really don't sweat and they don't have body odor. Koreans specifically. Yeah, and you know about the fact about Jews is they can shift their shape and crawl into your shoes they can crawl into your shoes lace up lace up around them I love I love when you hear someone that's really racist and they

say stuff like no you know they do have horns yeah yeah like you're joking right they're like it's a feel that's why they wear yarmulkes. That's what people say, people say stuff like that. Yeah, it's a funner conversation, to be honest. Racists are great hanks. Let me tell you the best. They got a fun story. Are you the kind of guy, okay, just yes or no,

don't think about it, are you the kind of guy that if a guy says the N word in front of you, you stop him and go, hey man, you can't talk like that around in front of me. No, wait, cameras are on? Oh yeah. Absolutely. That is so horrible. No.

Yeah. No, but it's not that I want to go around it. If I'm being completely honest with you, if somebody said it for real, I would be a little bit like, all right, stop. If someone said it, I'm saying the word comes out in like, have you heard the song, All Gold Everything? It just comes out.

But if someone said, can you believe what these, I'd be like, whoa, what the fuck? I would. I don't know that I'm not the kind of guy that would be like fucking, you know, reprimanding, but I would be a little bit like, you know, I don't need to say that. I like to judge people and then talk behind their back. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. If it's Kanye West, I'd say tell me more. Yeah, I wanna hear more. Just because you wanna hear the story. That tweet is coming very soon,

where he's just gonna call all his people that word. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's onto Jay-Z's kids now. I mean, the kid is just. It's just what it is. A great Twitter follower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he's on the right track.

I mean, he's on the right track. I mean, he's on the right track. I mean, he's on the right track. I mean, he's on the right track. I mean, he's on the right track. I mean where he's just gonna call all his people that word. Yeah. I mean, he's onto Jay-Z's kids now. I mean, the kid is just... It's just what it is. He's a great Twitter follower. Yeah. Yeah. Did he do it?

Yes. He really did do all the bad stuff. He did he? He did he. I think he did it. It seems like, yes, he did. That's what it seems like. It'd be crazy if the media was just trying to fuck him.

Right. I read a conspiracy that it it was people at Diageo, his liquor people. Yeah. Yeah, I heard about that. That it's like because he, that's where 50 Cent, that's what they were saying, like 50 Cent being an independent, saying because he messed with the Diageo people's money,

and that's like the real quote unquote illuminati is these corporations that they were like, well now your whole life's gonna get turned upside down because of, I think it was something to deal with Siroc, the conspiracy goes, he didn't wanna give up some of the money, because Diage was saying the sales are down, and they're like, well if you don't give it up, you're gonna lose your life.

And then he did, supposedly. I met the Illuminati in Mexico. Whoa. Yeah. I was at a thing. At a wrestling show? I can't even really, I can't get into detail because I wanna out people, but like. It does sound like a tag team. Right, I was at a thing. At a wrestling show? I can't even really, I can't get into detail because I want to out people. It does sound like a tactic.

I thought the Illuminati like that. No, no, no, no. You mean the real Illuminati? Like billionaires. Oh, got it. Like billionaires that all kind of, their rules are different than the other rules. I mean like, it was so crazy. Did they hire you?

Is this going where I think I'm going? No, no. You met the Illuminati and then you went on a train in Mexico and then robbed everybody in the train and then... All right, you got me. You got me. I was like, I know where this is going. Part two, the sequel in Mexico.

It was crazy rich people. And I... Were you down there working for them or you just met them? I had just met them. And I'm saying like, it was so bizarre because I know a couple rich people, but they, I mean, a dude swam up in the pool

that is a guy we would all recognize. Sure. And you were like, and he was, we were talking about something and he just came up and I was like, what the fuck's he doing here? And then another guy walks up, I'm like, holy shit. And they're all friends. And then I know this one really rich person holy shit. And they're all friends.

And then I know this one really rich person. And they said, where did you grow up? And I told him, I go, do you know dot dot dot? And I went, oh fuck, this is the connection everyone's talking about. This is the, it's almost like the way comics are, with rich people, that's the Illuminati. It's crazy, like that rich type of people,

they live a different life. It's not. Well, that's the thing I think, you know, like that rich type of people, they live a different life. Different life. It's not. Well, that's the thing I think, you know, when people say, you know, oh, so and so, like the Epstein's Island shit, all that shit, it's like, because they were living without, you know, no rules, like for so long, and then if at any moment,

the powers that be wanna turn it on, your life is over. Because you think for so long, you're gonna, that's why I think some degree of anxiety is good. I know people say get rid of your anxiety I think some of its good especially in this world where it's like hey I'm scared to do certain things that's good because if you start to live this life if I don't have any fear of anything I'm untouchable you are in told the right people say you know what now fuck you and then you're done I think all the

calm Jews are dead yes yeah I think the ones that were going like it'll be fine yeah this guy's given a lot of tax breaks and building some roads. This is going to be okay. Yeah. You're an extremist. That is a crazy thought. Yeah. That is a crazy thought. It is. Oh, that is a real, that is, hold on. Every chill Jew is gone. It has to be. Yeah. Cause they're like, he's fucking, he's a good speaker. That's what it is. I'm a boy. This is not going to happen to us. No. You were a hypochondriac. You were canceled last week fucking, he's a good speaker. That's what it is. I'm not gonna happen to us. No. You were a hypochondriac, you were canceled last week. No, it's a Holocaust.

My home, I'm staying. Yeah, no. That's the name of the pod. All the calm Jews with bird crows. That's the name of this episode. All the calm Jews are dead. Yeah, all the calm Jews are dead. Wait, wait, does that work through trauma all the way around?

Yeah. Sure. Cause so any huge like, like slavery, that's, there's only one type. First of all, I'm. Yeah. Sure. Like cause so any huge like, like slavery. Yeah. That's there's only one type. First of all, I'm a slavery denier. So let's just start right there. I don't believe it happened. Sure. I don't even have my face. I have a sitcom in development. I'm going on Darrell. I'm going on Darrell Cooper's podcast to prove it.

Well, you are a slave. You were enslaved by the Turks. I'm just joking. Slavery happened. Oh yeah. The Turks. Ottomans, Ottomans enslaved people the Turks. I'm just joking, slavery happened. Oh yeah, the Turks, Ottomans enslaved the people. Oh shit, yeah. Yeah, 400 years. 400 years. Yeah, 400 years. No one talks about that.

Yeah, yeah, you know, it's Islamophobia, you know, you can't, they were the good guys I guess. Sure. You asked the rape genes I have in my DNA, and they say something different. Let me tell you about... Dude, here's a fun story about Ulysses S. Grant. This guy here. Oh, he's with Bert?

It's just a random dude in there. It's cameo, I brought him in. That's the girl that swims for Penn State. With his hat that he was a fucking samurai that just appeared out of nowhere. Dude, so how about this? Ulysses S. Grant, during the Mexican-American war. He was so banged up just drunk as fuck. He got caught right He was right. He rode his horse completely naked through the enemy lines while he was just fucking butt-naked that the that the Mexicans didn't Even know what do they just let him go? Yeah, this is what I'm saying, dude

You're right. He was he was he was kind of like the Burt Kreischer of the Civil War Let me just back me up here. I want to bring them up before he became like the general. He was kind of like the Burt Kreischer of the Civil War. Just back me up here. That's why I wanted to bring him up. Before he became like the general, he was just a drunk. He had no purpose in life. Things weren't going good. And then the Civil War happened. He found his purpose. He was a good general. We're coming to a time right now where you're going to be needed for something. And then you're going to like the Ulysses Grant. We may need you to... People always always say it's gonna be somebody smart who unifies us. I'm not saying you're not smart I'm saying a lot of those brain cells are dead. Yes, you probably started out smart now

You're half right, but we're gonna need someone to just fucking throw a big party. Yes me. Yeah Yeah, like you're gonna do it if Trump brought me in as like social chairman Yes, yes, and I just plan parties to try to get people together like I'd be like yo, okay I know this doesn't seem right, but we're bringing in the Ukrainians and the Russians and we're gonna figure it out over you could be like a de-escalation Counselor dude, what if I what if Trump had if he was really smart? What he'd do is he'd send me to be the ambassador of the Ukraine. Yeah, right, right? I'll get that shit figured out dude. Let's, you would be the guy. You sit down, you watch the machine story.

Can I tell you all I'm thinking about right now is I know my next project. Yeah. You listed sense of brand. I'm gonna be playing you to listen to sense of brand. I think it's perfect. Abraham Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln said during the Civil War, he goes, I can't spare this man. He fights. If I knew the brand of whiskey Grant drinks, I'd send a barrel to all my other generals. Because he was just drinking a barrel of whiskey or a barrel of whiskey a week, they said, just Grant, a barrel of whiskey and then winning, beating Robert E. Lee time after who was arguably the greatest

general in general. You know, people don't talk about him because he represented the South, but just tactician. Every general says Robert E. Lee was the best and Grant Beatom drunk off a barrel of whiskey to win the Civil War. Who do you think's better at war? If you had to pick a team Napoleon or Robert E. Lee? No I would say Napoleon. Napoleon is the best in the world ever. Gangster. Robert E. Lee is just see the thing with the Civil War what people forget in one go. Who? Alexander the Great. Alexander the Great. Alexander the Great.

Who Napoleon idolized. Idolized, idolized. But see, the thing with the Civil War is though, which when you really dig deep into it, shout out Shelby Foote, when he wrote great books on it, is the North outnumbered the South a lot, by a lot. Like three, four to one, they number them.

And the South though, the South had the best fighters so that the people who would go on like the people who represent the United States military now the Navy SEALs a lot of them are like descendants of Confederate soldiers the North was just a bunch of guys like me and Yannis that are just fucking kind of gay well we don't know how to fight but we just outnumbered them so that's how we won well it's every war it's every war where you were if I don't think the north was fighting for something But they were fighting they're like fucking let him succeed who gives a fuck but they were like no We can't have them so sure and the South's like you're trying to take you're trying to change our culture

Sure, same shit is Ukraine and Russia. Yeah, it's the same shit as Vietnam war any war We're it's a reason we couldn't fucking clean shit up in Afghanistan. Yeah going into their town Yeah, it stands like to know right they go. They beat the Russians and they beat us Yeah, it's big time. You you can't conquer those mountain people. No, just doesn't happen No, it doesn't happen. You look at Matt you look at Montenegro You look at Crete like they're just hard places to take because of the terrain Montenegro Can I tell you one can't do a history thing that blows me the fuck away? Yeah Gabrielle Pritzip. Mm-hmm. He's a fucking hero in Serbia. There's statues of him everywhere He's the guy that started World War one. Yeah with France and he's a hero that one guy

Changed history forever because of him. We have the Holocaust because of him. We have World War one and World War two. I mean that one guy is responsible. Thank you, Mr. Princep, for all the great things you've brought to us. Gavriello Princep, a Bosnian Serb. Right, and you're saying, but see, this is what history is, right? Because we hear it as, like, you just said, gave us the Holocaust, gave us World War I,

World War II in America, we'd be like, fuck that guy. In Serbia, hero. Hero, he created Yugoslavia. Yugoslavia was Montenegro, Serbia, Croatia. Yeah. And I think maybe Lithuania. Maybe. No, no, no. I think it was, I think it was Croatia. I think it was just Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia, and it was Bosnia, Bosnia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Kosovo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The the but yeah that guy it statues of him in Serbia I got I was driving drinks with this movie producer in Serbia because

that's where you film the machine right and I was and I was like I was really amazed that everyone's got t-shirts of him on like if you bring him up they're like he's the man and this guy I forget his name is fucking cool dude movie producer older guy smoked non-stop drank like a fish. He gave me a wallet and it had Gabriel Pritzip on the wallet. I was like, oh, but it's crazy. Like one hero. Yeah. Alexander the Great's the goat with war. Alexander the Great, he's Floyd Mayweather of it, undefeated. Undefeated. Because prize picks is the best place to get real money sports action with over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings. Prize picks has made daily fantasy

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after you play your first $5 lineup. Again, download the app today and use code hyenas to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game. Yeah. Undefeated. And, but I think with Ulysses S. Grant, you know, it just shows you that like, I think everybody's different. Like, we can't have general rules as humans. That's what I want to talk about him. It's like, he was better drunk. He was better drunk than he was sober. It's just a fact. It's just a fact. That's a good point. So it's like,

so to generalize drinking, you shouldn't be drinking Bert It's like you're better as you are You're not the Bert that is actually making people happy unless you know, you're you're living the life that you want to live I respect over I got pulled aside in a party by a guy. I'll tell you his name edited out sure, and we're at a party and he says He sees me with a drink in my hand and he goes, so when are you going to admit you have a problem? And I said, I don't. And he said, what do you mean? I said, I don't. I think things are going pretty good.

And he goes, you think because you have money and you do arenas and you're making movies and TV shows and your specials do well. And you think that you don't have a problem. I said, no, that's exactly why. Like if one of these things, I have a happy marriage. my wife has never said I need to quit drinking, I have great kids who have launched successfully into college, I have a great job, I have three great podcasts, I have a great huge group of friends, and I happen to drink a ton. And because of all that, like I'm, yeah, that's my- Works for you.

Yeah, it works. And it's like, also it's like mind your own business you know. Like it may not work for the next guy but for you it works. Yeah. Yeah. You know yeah and that's what I think like these general rules in society is what gets us in trouble like a lot like. Oh you can't not there's not one fucking be all for everything. It's like listen I remember hearing Jerry Seinfeld say yep I get up every morning I take comedy just like a job. I go to work, I start writing all day, and I write eight hours a day. Well, I don't, okay?

Yeah. So what? Yeah, it's just everybody's different. I never saw Patrice O'Neill hold a pen in my life. No, he's one of the funniest of all time. If Dave Chappelle, if you told me Dave Chappelle has a notebook, I would give you a million, I'd say bullshit.

Now, if you're not successful at what you do, and you might have to think about that and find another way, but if it's working for you, that is the be all end all. It was interesting, I saw the other day, it was some article, like the science is in, and what it was basically about is happy children. If you're a parent and you have happy children, that the number one thing, there's no debating this anymore. The data is in that to have a happy child,

one of the precursors is the mom and dad need to be happy with each other. It doesn't mean they have to be married, divorced, separated, gay, straight, it doesn't matter. They just have to be happy with each other. So these ideas of you have to make it work, you have to be married, or if you're not having problems, you have to be divorced.

It's like, no, no, you just have to be happy. So however that works for you two individuals, that's what breeds the happiness for your children. And there is no generalization. Religion gets in the way and fucks all that up. And it makes kids unhappy if it's not working for your specific relationship. Yeah, there's a guy, one of my wife's friends,

like, how can you let him go to strip clubs? And Leanne's like, it doesn't bother me. So that works for us so I know strip club if I want care I can't get jerked off but I can go to strip club get a lap dance whatever I want it works for us and it doesn't work for them cool but don't make one sure no guy can go to a fucking strip club what the fuck's wrong is these general it you got to look at your lot like your specific life and your specific and also it doesn't there might be a guy out there

who's like you know what who's comic, who's not writing it, but the way that they have their career, maybe they're not doing arenas and blah blah blah, but they like the way their life is. It's about your personal happiness. Oh buddy, you guys, you guys, I have a hard time wrapping my head around you guys, because you guys, and Stavi included, your generation,

we were presenting- He's too much? Oh, stop, I heard Stavi. We were presenting different equations. Like you guys got an equation that involved podcasting and what's the one where you charge money, not Cameo but- Cameo's one of those. No but what's the-

Patreon. Patreon. Yeah. And comedy worked different for us. We had to do comedy clubs. We had to do the Money B bones for $1,300. That was our equation that we didn't have podcasting until 12 years ago, 13 years ago. And then when that showed up, we could morph into it.

But the idea that you guys can take time away from the road the way I just did, it was mind blowing to me. I mean, I just was like, no, you gotta keep hammering or they're never fucking gonna leave. Because now, and I still will go go out but it used to be even when I started when we started about 2000 like getting on the road like 2013 is when I started like headline of 14 but even when I started in like 2010 like open mics I remember agents being like you got to get on the road and get to

Kansas City because they got to see you in Kansas City now it's like go to Kansas City but you don't really have to go. The fans of Kansas City will see you on the internet. So you don't have to go there if you don't want to. If you're making enough money doing something else, you don't have to do that. Colin Quinn, you know, is like mentor of mine, he's the best. He's always like, I don't know how the fuck you podcast all day and then do stand up at night.

He goes, because those ideas that were brewing inside our brains, you would write them all day at a coffee shop and then do it, you know, you would have two shots at it at night at the Comedy Cell or wherever you were. But now you're good ideas, you're just saying them out loud on a podcast to hundreds of thousands of people in some cases and they're half-baked ideas

and I think you should not put out the shit, I think you should have a stand-up brain and a podcast brain. He's not wrong. Yeah. Like I look, that's a little one alone. I look at, like if I say, like I said something funny in the beginning of this podcast about being with my wife alone.

Yeah. And as soon as I said it, I was like, God damn it. I wish I had saved that for the stage. And like on Two Bears, a lot, especially like, especially if we say something really funny, we'll be like, take it out. Right. I mean, that's smart. Tom told me a bit that to this day makes me laugh.

And he left it in the fucking podcast and he can't do it on stage. And it is as a dad and as a comic, I go, what you're doing is such a great bit. His kid goes up to him, Christina says to Ellis, Ellis is like fucking wildly hysterical. Christina goes, Ellis wants to an app. And so he goes, okay, so he goes,

I'm gonna ask you for it. So Tom goes, Ellis, what do you want? You want this app? He's like, yeah, he goes, it's $25, dad. And he goes, okay. And he goes, well, tell you what, why don't you do chores? And Ellis goes, how about this, Doug? I do chores for one week, and then one week I get the app.

And Tom goes, okay, that's fair. And he goes, okay. So Tom goes, okay, that's fair. And he goes, okay. So Tom goes to Christina, he says he's gonna do chores for a week and after a week he gets the app. And Christina goes, Tom, he doesn't know how long a week is. Yeah.

Tom goes back and he goes, Ellis, how long do you think a week is? He goes, tomorrow. No. Yeah, he doesn't know, he's a kid. Oh, I need it now. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I need it now. I need it now. Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry, sorry. But the bit is so there that I was like, get rid of, pull it, and then work that out on stage. Well, I found out, you know, I just had a Hulu special come out, and I did not do one bit on that Hulu special that I've ever done on anything. Netflix special, zero.

I've done it, you know, live, you're working out. Like, a lot of my Instagram guy who runs my shit was like, dude, a lot of these comments are, I've heard that bit already. I was like, I never repeated any of them. He's like, did you do them on pods? And then I was like, yeah, some of them. And I found out the hard way now where it's like,

podcast fans, don't give a fuck. It's all performance. So if you tell a story, I told a story about how my dad made me make believe I had special needs to get better seats at the end game. I've told that on podcasts before, but never, on standup, it's a totally different bit. The fans didn better seats in the end game. I've told that on podcasts before, but never, on standup it's a totally different bit.

The fans didn't give a fuck. They're like, heard that, heard that. So now it's like, you gotta think like that. So what's your tier of, is, cause number one thing for me is standup. Like as I think about getting rid of things, it would go, this is the list of how I get rid of things. Number one would be acting. First thing I get rid of things, it would go, this is the list of how I get rid of things, okay?

Number one would be acting. First thing I get rid of. Yeah, me too. Get rid of acting. I don't do it anyway. Yeah, but I enjoy it, but I'm- I don't love it. There's better people than me. The second thing I get, next thing I get rid of

would be a bird cast. I get rid of that very quickly. Right. Then I would get rid of, then I would get rid of two bears. then I get rid of something's burning, and then stand-up's the thing I'd hold on to forever. That's the last thing. I think we're in agreement. I would stand up just because I- Stand-up where?

Well, if you told me I can make, here's my dream scenario. If you told me I could make enough money to live my life doing one podcast a week, say this podcast a week, and both our shares was enough to just live the life that my family can say yes to everything and then only do stand-up in the New York City area, I would, if you told me that that's what it's always going to be and you're never, maybe never going to do an arena, you're maybe never going to be the Dave Chappelle, I would press that button right now. And I would say, give me one day doing stand-up and then the other three nights I can go in just around the city and my family has whatever they want

We're not wanting for anything. Give it to me right now. I would take it. I would take it right now. I'd retire I Good, I only go on the road because I have to at this point financially I don't do stand-up. I will do stand-up in New York City for free as a matter of fact I can't tell you the last time I've taken spot pay home. I give it directly to the waiters and waitresses or I don't or I forget to take because I'm not doing it. I'm doing stand up because I love it. On the road, when they're giving me that check, I'm cashing it on the floor of the bathroom in the green room. That's how quickly I'm trying to get in my account.

So that tells me something. Yeah. Where I'm like, oh this is about the money and I don't want it to be but it is because I don't want I want to get in my account, so that tells me something. Where I'm like, oh, this is about the money and I don't want it to be, but it is, because I want to be in and around my kids, I love being in New York, I just want to be here. I like to do podcasts with my friend, if I get a TV show, I want it to be in New York. I am only on the road, because I have to be. We're New York kids.

Yeah. We have that in common. So cool though. I just don't want to leave. I'll go to certain places, like I'll go to Miami, certain places I like, DC, but when I'm in, you know, Kansas City or... Yeah. Yeah, it's just like...

John, I'll be there in June. I can't wait to get out. I said... I know, and it's not about the people. We love the people. I just want to be home in New York. I want to be with my kids, yeah. I had said to Tom, and I haven't shared this, but we were talking.

I will tell you this candidly, I think this is the last time you'll ever get to see Tom on the road. I think he's never gonna do the road ever again. I told him that, I opened up for him at the United Center last month, and in the round, most tickets ever sold at United Center, he fucking annihilated, it was great.

And I said to myself, he put me in a beautiful hotel, the Ritz Carlton, I said, I don't think Tom's going to ever do this again. I know how much money you're making on this tour. I have a good idea of it. Why would you ever want to fucking, why would you want to keep this being your life? Yeah, I knew it.

It's, and he's has more interest in directing and I think, and building out YMH and, and I, and he's got more money than God. I mean, he's got, I know how much money I have and he's got more. He doesn't pay taxes. So like, I mean, he's got more money than God. I mean, I know how much money I have, and he's got more, he doesn't pay taxes. So like- Right, he's a techsie. I mean, he's got crazy money. He's almost like, when talking, and even talking to Tom, obviously he's a brilliant comedian,

but it was cool for me to be like on the van with him, because I was like, the way he talks to his team, I'm like, you're also a CEO. You're also like a entrepreneur, like you're talking to these people, your staff, the same way some tech CEO is. you just happen to be a great comic as Well, yeah, and so we were talking and I said and this is before this weekend I just did stand-up in Vegas this weekend and the idea of doing another hour was a little insurmountable for me

I was like, I was like, I don't know man I just put out this hour and I think I did the best stuff I've ever done in this hour And I definitely took chances I've never taken and I did something a little different. Yeah, dude, look at your outfit. Yeah, I did, by the way, just the outfit was fucking great. Oh, boy, it actually was. When you went on a, think it was a late night show with that on,

I remember I was watching with Jazz and Jazz was like, he looks pretty good in that. Yeah, I was like, there you go. I made three of them, they were $15,000 each. They look amazing. So, but I said to Tom, I said, this is my last tour. I start the permission to party tour in September and I go, this is my last tour. I'm going to do this.

I owe Netflix another hour, another special. So I go, I'm going to do this tour. I'm going to tape that hour and then I'm done. I think I'm going to be done. And then I did Vegas and I was like, fuck that. I had so much good, I did two hours on Saturday night. I had so much fun on stage. Well, new shit.

Of all new, entirely new. And I was like, I just emptied the boat and I was like, man. I mean, and you know when you get a bit and you go, oh, I just thought of that and this isn't even close. And it's so good. And I go, oh my God, I got so excited.

I got so excited. And you're having fun. And I was like, oh, I'll do it in another spin. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it happens when you're up there. You're like, ah, I don't feel like being here, and then you get up there and you feel that magic. Well, it's like when we spoke to Pac-Man,

we had Pac-Man Jones on last week. Love Pac-Man Jones. And I asked Pac-Man, I was like, do you ever like, even though you were like NFL, great, whatever, I was like, were you ever on the field being like, this is my fucking job? And he was like, never. Every single moment of my NFL career was like,

I can't believe I'm getting to do this I think it's similar in stand-up too especially at the level you're doing it in those size venues it's like yeah dude you get you you it's it's a once-in-a- lifetime opportunity yeah the thing is if you don't stop yourself your heart will liver liver my heart my heart's good my's good, it's gonna be my pancreas. That's the sleeper one I think of. Burt got taken down by bile. I think I'm gonna die saving people. 100%.

Cat, you're in the rye. Yeah. I told you, there's not one part of me that ever thinks you're not gonna live to at least into your 90s I'm gonna definitely outlive Tom and that's gonna 100. It's gonna shock everyone 100% It's gonna be like when OJ died and all they did was talk about Norm MacDonald. Yes Yes, Tom's gonna die and the headline will be like Bert Kreischer outlives his partner There's something to distress though like less stress. Yeah, I don't think Bert feels stressed

I don't feel stressed when you you're never like I can't do this, I can't do this, you're just doing it. I'm trying to get back to college where you live in the moment and you don't think about tomorrow. And that's my whole journey these last nine months has been about being present and then and having ownership over myself and not allowing anyone any ownership of me. And just going like, I'm my own man. College was the funnest time, son of seven years of my life was like, waking up and going, what do I want for lunch? That's it. That's all I thought about. Limpies. Ooh, turkey sandwich and blimpies. And no phones. No one texted

each other. Dude, I, this thing is poison. I mean, I get up in the first thing in the morning, I'm scrolling, it's six in the morning this morning And until ten o'clock what what the fuck like four hours of my life gone when you look at my screen time I don't know if you know you could do it's crazy me too, and then I go that's time. I wasn't doing anything Yeah, right. I was just living vicariously through Lindsay Tettis tits I'll tell you can I tell you another thing yes, give out these gift boxes when you Dude, I'll tell you, can I tell you another thing? Give out these gift boxes when you do a special, give out a gift box for unboxing, like we gave a bottle of vodka and a drink

and a horseshoe and some dice and some cards, whatever, a lucky box. The fuck, do not give them to Chris Hart, Kevin Hart, Chris Rock, Kevin Hart, Pete Davidson, all the celebrities that you're friends with that you think might, they won't open them. No. Porn stars.

Really? They film it and open it. And they go the extra mile. Yeah. Yeah. Kristy Mack, shout out to Kristy Mack. Shout out to Kristy Mack. Kristy Mack goes, hey everyone, sorry I'm a little sloppy,

but you can see my nipples. She was like, I got, it's the best fucking promo video ever. Yeah. It's the best promo video ever. I'm like, I'm just gonna send them to porn stars. I love it. I did do, I got Bird, it's the best fucking promo video ever. Yeah. It's the best promo video ever. I'm like, I'm just going to send it to porn stars. I love it. I did do, I did fuck up one time and I got a porn star. She goes, do you want me to help you promote your special?

And I was like, yeah. And she shoved a piece of paper up her asshole and pulled it out and read it. And she was like, make sure to watch Bird special. I was like, no, I can't fucking use that. Shove it, pulled it out of her ass. Was it, was it clean though? Clean ass. Yeah. They keep those things ready. Yeah. Job ready. I'm gonna lose that. Shubbed it, pulled it out of her asshole. Was it clean though, clean ass? Yeah, hell no.

They keep those things ready. Yeah, they can. Job ready. Asshole is squeaky clean on a porn star. Yeah, dude, anal sex in the movies, they make it look like this just great thing and then you do it in real life, you come out, you got a chocolate covered dick,

there's a fucking bile on it. Right, yeah. Anal sex is so overrated. Oh, it's. The asshole just opens up and you're like banging air. Yeah. It's like it's, I don't think I've ever done it. Anil sex is so overrated. The asshole just opens up and you're like banging air. Yeah. It's like it's... I don't think I've ever done it. It's like you got a great self-lubricating thing right here. Why would you go to that dry hole? Yeah. Yeah. Does that make any sense? I watched my dog, Mac, chase a squirrel. Much like the way... And I kept analogizing it to how the

way guys always say I want to have anal sex. Sure when he got the squirrel It was way messier than he thought. Yeah, he was like it broke in half Yeah, I Remember once I did it in the shower and then there was just like a shit ball floating around in though Did the two inches of water? Oh my gosh, it's a perfectly round shit ball Like I molded it with my penis like while it was in there. Oh, you were just yeah, like like your Potter You're Potter. Yeah, yeah, just came out and then I just mushed it down in there. Oh, you were just, you were like your potter. You were a potter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just came out and then I just mushed it down the drain with my toe.

It's what it is. It's what it is. Stomped it. Yeah, just stomped it out. You've never done anal? I've never done anal in my life. Wow. Never, not once.

Any interest? No, yeah, but I've always been turned down. I've received it. No. No, I've never done it. I've never I've never done it I've never done it but I want to I just you know my girl right she's Leanne said no not happening yeah Liam one time said I want you to play with my asshole nice and I was like whoa never said this is by the way I'm over sharing because Liam will

be livid if she heard this this is like this is like fucking nine months ago this is maybe 12 months ago this is is recent, recent. And I went, really? I mean, it turned me on so much. And then the second I played with her asshole, she was like, I don't want you to play with my asshole. She's like, I thought it was going to be something else. Wait, so she'd be living at that, but the first five minutes of the spell, she doesn't care about that at all. I mean, you literally talk and it's a great bitch. You talk about how you lost so much weight, you can see your wife sucking your dick. And then you talked about her tit smell. And I was just like, I was watching it laughing. It was like was like I wonder if he's gonna get yelled at for that

or if he did but she didn't she accepts it fully. I love that. I love that about her. So what's crazy is you know how you do you know how you get your your hour and you start running it and running it and running it and then all of a sudden it's like almost like in rote you're not really enjoying it you're not living it well that material if I'm not in the moment loving it and enjoying it it comes off a little bit mean. Sure. And so like I had one joke she asked me to take out where I was like, it's the joke about

a secret to a happy marriage is every morning I lean over and I kiss her and when she looks up at me, I realize, I don't know if I forget the bit. It's a fuck. What's the baddest bit? I don't know. I wrote it because Rob Gronkowski. Okay. Rob Gronkowski, Gronk met Leanne.

I was making jokes about Leanne being old. Ah, she's an old lady, I'll get her. Was it the catcher's mitt when you said? No, no, no, no. Like an old catcher's mitt? No. That joke is funny. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, when you say like she's old, she looks like, but you like it, it's like an old catcher's mitt. Right. Oh no, every morning. It's like fucking Kermit Munson. Yeah. Love Kermit Munson. Love to fuck his body.

I love, every morning in the morning, I'm gonna do the bit, I can't remember it. I go to my wife, I give her a big hug, I lean over and I kiss her, and she looks up and kisses me back, because gentlemen, when she looks back, all her skin tightens. And then I grab her ears and pull back and go,

there she is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was a tag. She's like a Sharpay? Yeah. There was a tag to that, and as your wives get older, you'll notice this. Yeah.

Well, mine's not gonna get older for a long time. She's young. How old is she? She's 35 now. Yes. Okay. She's a geriatric pregnant. Yeah, yes.

But I said, yeah, if we have sex, it's gotta be missionary. If she gets on top of me, it's like fucking a hound dog, just... And she was like like that comes out. And I was like, okay. And then I had a joke about her decolletage that came out. But she made me tell the, she saw it at the forum and then she saw it right after that. She's like, you're getting tired of the material and it's coming across mean. She goes, you need to smile when you're telling these because people need to know you love

your wife. And I do. And so those were the only ones that came out. And then I had, I've always had a joke about Isla that's always every special that Isla makes me take out. Cause she's like, I just think. There's one was so fucking good. So fucking good. The kid said the funniest goddamn thing, edit it out and I'll just tell you what

she said and you go, how much do you want to put this in? Right. Uh, it was, it was in razzle dazzle. I'll edit it out and I'll just tell you what she said and you go, how much do you wanna put this in, right? It was in Razzle Dazzle and we were at George's choir concert and George's choir concert is five hours and I'll let you find out and I'm fucking 12 years old, 10 years old says that. And I go, yeah, I'm gonna put that in. Yeah, and she goes, no, you gotta take it out.

She goes, what? She goes, dad, I said that to you. I didn't say that to the world. I, I'm gonna put that in. Yeah, and she goes, no, you gotta take it out. Right. She goes, dad, I said that to you. Yeah. I didn't say that to the world. I don't want the world to know. She goes, dad, I'm still in school. Yeah, yeah. So, and I was like, okay.

And then I said to her, I was like, I'll give you $100,000 for the gym. Right. You know what she said to me? When you die, I get all of it. I mean, smart girl. Great, smart kids. Yeah, smart girl.

I get why she wouldn't want that in. Yeah. I love it. I put it in my... Every special, there's something she takes out. Yeah, I mean, smart. All right, baby. Netflix, Bert Kreischer, Lucky, it's there.

You watch Adolescents, you cleanse your palate with Bert Kreischer's Lucky. It's the best movie you're gonna make all day, baby. Yeah, and of course, listen to Two Bears, the Bert cast. He's the one and only. They know where it's at baby good friend I love you guys. Thank you come through Bert. Thank you. All right guys as you know Patreon names go to patreon.com slash history hyenas We picked the best name the PPW the pseudo penis of the week and we got with us the one and only Sergio Chacon

Aka blizzy is gonna help us pick out these best names. All right, so first leading off what I'll just say this Patreon.com slash history hyenas for the episode with Sergio. With Sergio, that and also we're bringing Bay Ridge Boys back, the sketch. We put one on YouTube, Chris Ma and the crew of 82, but I think we should put a couple of them just on Patreon. Yeah. Wouldn't that be a stupid idea because they're already out publicly. Doesn't matter. Hey, something to just talk about the show on the show and that's what it is. And that's why

you're listening to Patreon. This Patreon episode is fucking wild. All right. All right. So leading off to the group, we got sick ass food, but my gun shoots glue 420. 420, old school. Half potato, half sauce squeak from the Northeast. Grab me by the pussy, it's Kamala Hairless.

There we go. We've had Kamala Hairless, I think. SLOKS. Then we got change my profile name, soul, I'm Kamala Hairless. There we go. We've had Kamala Hairless, I think. Eslo KS, then we got Change My Profile Name, Soul, I'm Not Cancelled, okay. Joseph Ripple, Adam Rush, Pat Flanagan, Chrissy D has a Toot, Hey Passada Ass. You gotta, is that a Jorge Passada Ass?

Yeah, has Toot, Hey Passada Ass, okay. Race Bader Ginsburg, I think we've had that. We've had that. Yeah, that's a good one, though. It's a good one, it's a chicken finger. Fart Face. Fart Face, a chicken finger thomas jucin uh alu akbar kokpa i guess like bar kokpa wow that's a good one it's a good one that's a good one my drekseler it almost shit britches the back door gutter slut okay because i keep WD-40 on deck because I don't like squeaks.

Okay? Cis- I don't like that. You like that, but not on the list though. Not enough, no. Cisgender Sam. Cisgender Sam's a nice good chicken finger. William Andrews.

Then we got Fast and the Fumerous, Tokyo Sniffed. Go. But this is another one where Fast and the Fumerous probably makes it. Yeah. But Tokyo Sniffed, what do you think? On the list? No, you're right, you're right. But Tokyo Sniffed, what do you think? On that list? No, you're right.

You're right. The second part Drexler'd you. Yeah. Logan Leesman, then we got King Rodney of Triots. Okay, walked into one. Walked into one. Walked into one. Okay, sorry about that.

Yeah. Walked into one. Sometimes fans try to get us to say bad shit. That's naughty. Yeah, they're naughty. They're naughty, yeah. Then we got Tim the Toot. Tim the Toot Tim the toot funny

Then we got the exit ramps and NYC look like churro burial grounds recently Walked into one loud 14. Yeah walked into one. Okay. Um, but let's just Yeah, we got a but we have to give credit we're credit for the creativity of it I mean so walked into one so I don't know we can do anything with it Yeah, but I mean the creativity is that the creativity of it. It's a walk in once, I don't know if we can do anything with it, but I mean the creativity in that, the humor is there. It's there. So what do we do then? The exit ramps in New York City look like

churro burial grounds recently. Yeah, basically saying Mexicans. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. I mean what do we do with that? I mean, do we walk into it? I think we walked into it, I think, right? Yeah, yeah. Then we got tucked in, screwed in,

then we got a $3 bill but voted for Donnie Still. Leonidas, yeah. Pretty funny. Drexler. Drexler, all right. Leonidas and Golakos, then we got Yanni the Clonny King, George Dubaya, Bush's, Frank's and Bean's, Yanni cracked open and cleaned out wrecking crew.

Eric Quigley, Ernest goes to camp on a different train. Okay. Then we got, my dad won't say black athletes' names right on purpose. It's a character piece. On the list? On the list. First one on the list. Okay.

Just here for cool stuff. White people can't say Tesla. White people can't say Tesla. White people can't say Tesla because black people say Tesla. Tesla, yeah. I guess Tesla, Tesla. Okay, all right. Father Papa John's because Chrissy is a FF. Oh, because Donald Trump calls it a Tesla.

Tesla, got it. Pete Buttigieg's stinky hood. Zachary Zoyna. Then we got Weishan's Eskimo brawl left with a few me leaky glue gun Anthony Pierce Tom the Jordan of deporting home in okay why Sean that's an oldie yeah why Sean Jake Dom Gaiman he doesn't like that uh then we got smeller shit Gherald, okay?

Sean King's very light skinned father. That's a good one. That's a good one. All right, so right now we got one on the list. Yeah, it's a pretty weak list so far. So far, but this is why you stay tuned, folks, because you never know what's gonna happen on the next page.

Yeah, nothing's going to happen. That's the thing, is just you don't know. Taylor Eastman, Rob himself, then we got James Buchanan's Unic, AKA just a straight guy. Sheckle cell anemia. Damn shenanigans. Damn it, I got cum in my peanut butter again.

Put him on the list for a funny fact. And you know what, the Buchanan thing was very good. I'm gonna Drexel that. Okay. Yeah. Loaded Brotato Monkey closer to a DUI than Yanni's eyes. Okay. All right. Everyone's on an almost there.

Almost. Drexler it. Chase Fury, then we got Full Bean White, Flock into a Town Near You, character piece. Fart My Dick If You're a Toot. Jesus the Narrative. Anita Jenkins. Tony Fumari Ferrari Rampuro.

Post Opt Primus, okay. He's trying to post-optimist Primus. Yeah, I get it. That was a... Post-optimist Primus. Post-optimist Primus is pretty good. It's actually pretty good. Is that what he said?

Yes. Post-optimist Primus, that's a good strong chicken finger. Got it. Is that borderline list, Post-optimist Primus? Yeah, I mean this list, for sure. This list, yeah. Let's Drexler him. Drexler him for now? Yeah, this list. This was, yeah. It's Drexlerum.

Drexlerum for now, but just. Almost there. Yeah, yeah. $3 bills, $3 bills D and Chrissy's DB as Yanni P solves the Israeli-Palestinian-Eastern Hemi conflict. Thank you for your service. Hashtag I'm a Jew. Okay.

It's a long one. Sergio zoned out. The thing with Sergio is I can't concentrate for too long. I got hit in the head a lot. Brita Hallow, then I've got that Haitian cum for that ass baby, alright. Yeah. Then we got Franks and Beans plus crazy,

so I'm cerebral ballsy, alright. Really good. Cerebral palsy, cerebral ballsy. Okay. Drexler, not great enough. Fuma Bunker, Juliette, Charlie Sierra, Yes, Dreidel Butt Plug, oh Yeez Dreidel Butt Plug. Yeez Dreidel Butt Club, Chicken Finger, Chicken Finger.

Riley Hermesora, then we got Pac-Man, wears a Yamaha under his helmet, no CTE. Then we got Glue Streak with Fartin Lawrence. Wait, are we caught up then, if we got Pac-Man? Yeah, but we still got a bunch of pages. We are caught up but it's like that thank you to all the the thing is with this patreon is so many people join every week which we really appreciate it that it's far for us to ever fully catch up. Right but we can read all the names now again. We can yeah

I mean but not today though. Straight to the back soon. This is a month's worth of names. Okay got it. Yeah, so then we got Where are we? Rigatoni Danza major spaget, Mr. And Mrs. Widen Bush you like major spaget. No Hugo Boss frisbee company Max whoa Walked into one Hugo Boss frisbee company. Yeah. They're saying they're Nazis and Jews. Yeah. Okay, all right. Maximilian Junker, then we got my muzzy-kuzzy is, my muzzy-kuzzy is so fuzzy,

his static powers the upper east side, sorry. All right. Steve Swayze, then we got thanks to Donny T, America went from FF to SS real quick. Okay. There you go. Ryan, then we got my Eastern Hemi glue causes bird flu. Achoo.

Evan Buffington. My teeth are yellower than Indian swimming pools. Walked into one. Whoa. Way to some sea. Yeah. Horrible. Yeah.

Then we got William Stanford. Then we got Lil Ricky Toots salmon glutes. Then we got Derrick Rose falling is my 9-11. It's what it is. K was the Chicago Bulls finish it hard. Yep. Yep. Linzer toot.

Then we got. Linzer toots the chicken. I like Linzer toot. Lil Ricky Toots salmon glutes. Okay. Read that. Then we got go to sleep with stiff situation. Wake up sticky situation. Okay.

Tried it. Brandon drew Drew P. Balls. Okay, Drew P. Balls. Drew P. Balls. Drew P. Balls. Great one, chicken finger, the definition. Yeah, Stanley Tucci touched my coochie. Uh. Uh.

Chicken finger. True Blue Jew, Joe Logan, not Rogan. Uh, Walter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha train okay walk last one so good though yeah but you can't you can't Matthew Powers this was you know this is this list is the fucking walked into one Hall of Famer yeah yeah CFU Elizabeth okay let's just do one more page we haven't found any bangers yet but sometimes it's happens and you just don't but here's the thing all the bangers were walked into there was like three walked into words that were bangers. She left me for a lesbian,

now it's only silicone in her butychage, okay? Potato monkey with a couple of extra scoops, it's what it is. Couple extra scoop gay. So the kids, couple extra scoops means you're gay, so the kid is saying he's Irish and gay. Extra scoop gay means the kid's flamboyant. Yeah.

Cocoa puffer, Paige Gillette, Ellen bro, get me a water and what, get me a water and a wah-wah s low KS are you nothing's barreling you over right not that Sergio so far Sergio's it's our judge and laughed once well surges and laugh once but also Sergio's it is his brain if he can't focus Robert Sasseman Charles Roman Humbert trip Wyndham checko herbivore 777 Genghis Khan Stop Fuckin', My Love Flute Does a Roman Salute for Fat Toot.

That's a good one. That's a real good one. Drexler. Michael Richards Free Speech. Can't be out. Choppa Donnie though. Chickenfinger. Thought I was a Leroy but I'm a Di Stefano call me ye it's what it is cuz okay

Kippy slip nippy Luke then we got Santa poo feeling blue booty booty booty booty boo hoo hoo Oh, that's from our cast okay booty boo. Yeah, yeah Stephen with the pH, but the Leroy's call me Stefan Okay, David Matthews half gay half Greek., Amiani, Papas, little bussy squeak, back Tucker Carlson. We had Tucker Carlson. Yeah, Holocaust survivor. My Amish glue gun holds buildings together, MilkMeFucker69, Keith Keith blazer Leroy peace but I'm white pre come baby casa Gaza resort and casino jihadi jackpot dealer there we go yeah yeah

uncle check the winner at this point uncle chicken taco man Cyrus logo mommy Trevor English Norms are for religious gray, AKA Jews, Taylor Deschanel, Itty Bitty Diddy Committee, Cheyenne Geyser, The Brooklyn Nets Turn Me Muzzy, Now My Bush is Looking Fuzzy, Adam Rudy Drulliani. Rudy Drulliani's a good one. Good one.

Chicken Fing. Okay, Chicken Fing. Yeah, this is just a fucking, this is like a. This list was just. Chicken Fing. Okay, Chicken Fing. Yeah, this is just a fucking, this is like a- This list was just a snoozer. It was a little- Should we stop there or should we try one more page? What do you guys wanna do?

You wanna stop there? Alright, so listen, here's the, so sometimes, cuz you know what it is, it's just a fucking snoozer but you got a great Patreon. The first 20 minutes of this Patreon was fucking on fire. This isn't on the Patreon. This isn't on the Patreon. Well, this episode was with Bert Kreischer so this fucking episode was great. So the episode, Burt Kreischer episode was great. Right. It was great So you know what? It's not only gonna be fucking home runs. Yeah. Okay, here we go. It's not us

Sometimes it's every list has its own personality. Here it is. My dad won't say black athletes names right on purpose It's a character piece. We're gonna dragster that. Alright dragster that's out. Then we got Dammit, I got come in my peanut butter again. We're in Drexler. Drexler. And then the winner is going to be Casa Gaza Resort and Casino Jihadi Jackpot dealer. Actually really good. Actually really good.

Really good winner. So you win, go to History Ienis, it's back. You'll see your name up in lights. Tell everyone all the fun's happening at patreon.com slash History Ienis. Come see us on the road, christycomedy.com, Januspopp poppets comedy.com we got a whole bunch of dates up there yeah see me in San Diego this weekend San Diego this weekend and you could see me in in Boise Idaho next weekend and then all my April dates are up there Texas Albany and New Haven Connecticut all right baby