History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - Free the Babes of Iran | History Hyenas

Episode Date: March 5, 2026

On this episode of History Hyenas, Chris and Yannis dive into the insanity of the Iran–Contra affair—the secret Reagan-era operation that sold weapons to Iran and funneled the money to rebels in Nicaragua. The boys break down the shady back-channel deals, the CIA intrigue, and how one of America’s wildest scandals still echoes today. Then they jump to the current 2026 Iran war, where U.S. and Israeli strikes and Iranian retaliation have escalated tensions across the Middle East. Expect deep history, conspiracy chaos, and classic Hyenas riffs—plus Chris and Yanni making it clear they’d like to free the beautiful women of Iran from the ayatollahs while they’re at it. #HistoryHyenas #IranContra #IranWar #ColdWarHistory #Geopolitics #USHistory #MiddleEast #Podcast #ComedyPodcast #YannisPappas #ChrisDistefano Support our sponsors: Right now, Mizzen & Main is offering our listeners 20% off your first purchase at https://mizzenandmain.com, promo code HYENAS20. Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code HYENAS. https://bluechew.com Join our Patreon at 👇 https://www.patreon.com/historyhyenas/ Subscribe to the poddy woddy Our YouTube!: https://bit.ly/2ARdDOz HH Clips:https://bit.ly/2YaK2Z8 iTunes: https://apple.co/2UQTHCc Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fxtsc0 Hyenas Merch!!! https://store.historyhyenaspod.com Follow us Cuz! 🙆🏻‍♂️ Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ 🙆🏼‍♂️ Chris Distefano Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website - https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ 🐕More Hyenas Website: www.historyhyenasisback.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/historyhyenas/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HistoryHyenas Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/historyhyenaspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. What's up, everybody? Today we're going to be talking about Iran and how the most important thing is to free the babes of Iran. They have the most beautiful women in the Middle East, so don't hurt them. We take you back through all the squabbles between the United States in Iran and how we got here. We also have a great deal of fun as per usual. Don't forget to join patreon.com slash history hyenas. Don't forget to see me in Boston.

Don't forget to see me in West Nyack, New York. Don't forget to see me at Seoul's this weekend in Pottstown, PA. Just do not forget, and don't forget, March 9th next week. We're doing the live History Hyenas show at the Village Underground at the Comedy Cellar on West Third Street in Manhattan. Enjoy the app. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Chrissy Dee.

That's Yanni P. This is the History Hyenas. And we are the Girl Bosses. We are the Girl Bosses. We're the Lady Brains. We're a couple of kids that just, we joined the Army. We've joined the Army of God. Now, let me just tell you something right now.

Obviously, you know, the big news is United States, you know, taking over Iran, knocked out the regime and all that. And I think it's pretty clear that the Russians and anyone who has sold weaponry to Iran is kind of looking at themselves right now going, whoopsie daisy. They're saying, I'm sorry because the United States has field goal kicked Iranian weapons. In about one night, they've killed pretty much anybody who's ever been a leader of Iran in the last 40 years. They just killed him night one. So I think Donald Trump probably got a text from a little man named Kim John Un saying, I'm a sorry. In a Japanese accent.

Yeah, and a sorry. He goes, hey, Donald Trump, I am sorry. You are a nice guy. I like your orange hair. King John Unu spent some time in Tokyo, apparently. Yeah. Yeah, this is one of those situations where you know you have a friend who goes offline for a little bit and then comes back online. Yeah.

And you can tell that they've been in the gym a little bit. Yeah. And catches you a little off. Guard. Yeah. What Russia and China's saying right now, oh, America's been into gym. Yeah. They've been into gym. They were like, look, you can, you can say our army's gay. You can say anything you want about America, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, in about an hour, they've killed the top 40 leaders in Iran like, they've been able to extract them. It's been like surgery. They're just like boom, bang. Yeah. They go, what do you want? It's almost like a menu. They go, like, when you're sitting in

first class on a plane, they go, what would you like? They go, what would you like? Do you want an extraction or you want him gone? I don't know anything about like global conflicts. I know because what are you talking about your global comfort expert? Expert, because Christy Contra. You got a PhD, because. Yeah, I'm a physical therapist. I don't know.

Kids in the name could go to you for any. Yes. I don't know anything about it. I truly don't. There's plenty of the fans that will run circles around me. I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't have Dave Smith knowledge of any of this stuff.

But I just know what I'm seeing on the news. What I'm seen on the news is United States is fucking field goal kicking Iran. That's just what I know And I know there's a lot of things I know there's a lot of nuance I know a lot of people are dying All that thing is upset And again, I don't know the first thing

Other than what I know Is Donnie T is just lining up The heads of the Iranian leadership And he's just hitting him with a fucking five iron And he's just saying Unfortunately Unfortunately the kid is funny And nobody can stop that

So he just goes well I guess I got to him Before he got to me Yeah And then his speech He goes he's dead Yeah, he's dead. Yeah, and it just sucks.

He mispronounced it. Ayatollah Khamano is dead. Yeah, he just killed them all. And they're just taking people out. And what's funny is online, you see a lot of long live Iran. And what's fun about that is both sides are tweeting that. Yeah. So it's very funny because you got the Persians of old and the diaspora

getting Long live Iran. And then you got the Shia Muslims also tweeting long live Iran. Here's what I'll say, because I don't know much about it. We're going to learn here today. We're going to go over the Iran country and some history of Iran. It's going to be fun, fun, and you'll learn. But I will say that I know that Iranian women are babes. They are babes big, but a lot of them, I totally came any made them cover up.

So what I'm just hoping is the new leader just lets them show their beautiful faces and boobs. Yeah, I mean. I mean, Iranian women are hot. Essentially, that's what it is. They're like the Puerto Ricans of the Middle East. Yeah, Iranian women are too hot to be covered up. They're too hot to be covered up. And I bet you on the low, a couple of them got titats.

It's very possible. And you've never seen them and now you're going to see them. Because make absolutely no mistake, I'm going to use the company card to join the first only fans model who goes live from Tehran. And we are also going to be doing a live history hyenas right there in Tyran in 2020 something. Yeah, we're going to do it. We're going to be at the first comedy festival that we'll be happening in Tehran. I mean, look at these. I mean, they're just gorgeous.

They're just absolutely. breathtakingly beautiful women. Iranian women might be the hottest women in the Middle East and I'm just happy that we're going to get to see a few of them. Yeah, we're going to be able to get our eyes on a few of them. Yeah, it's just big. Because, you know, the joke used to be like,

all Asians look alike and the Asians probably say all whites look alike. But truly, the group that looks the most alike is Shi'i Muslim women. Yeah, they look alike. You just don't know. You're like, are you all the same person? Yeah, you can only really tell them apart by, like, you have to memorize their height.

That's all it is. That's what it is. Yeah, I mean, so it's going to be nice. Obviously, you know, if you have a family out there in Iran, stay safe. Stay safe. In the Middle East. I don't know. I know innocent people.

Of course. Yeah. And, you know, but here we're a comedy podcast. So we're here to make you laugh. We're here to have fun. No, no. We could say a wrong thing and prevent this from happening. So it's really all on us.

Yeah. We really have to make sure we say the right things. Yes. Because if we say the wrong things, people will die. Yeah. Yeah. It's really on this podcast. in all podcasts.

You never know who can come on a podcast and sway an election. You never know who could come on and as a result innocent people die. So we really have to watch our words and treat this very carefully.

It's one of those things. It's like a horrible thing. Like, you know, more is happening than over the weekend. There was a mass shooting at a bar in Austin, Texas. A man came out there

with an I Love Alasher and started shooting everybody and it's sad and it's unfortunate and you'll be able to hear from him tonight on Kill Tony. Wei Song Xien. He supposedly got the golden ticket. Yeah, I think the shirt actually said Allah University or something.

What it is, which is a good school. It's a very, very good school. Obviously, it's an all-boys school. Yeah. It's an all-boys school. Lada 14. Didn't it say Allah University? Yeah, I mean.

University of Allah. Yeah. So the kid, he's just, you know, he's in an all-boys school. Yeah. And he was a Senegalie kid, I think, who, um. Which, By the way, those are the women, Senegali women. They got a lot of hot Christian women.

I'm looking for in my next life, I'm looking for an African wife. Yeah. That's what I'm looking for. Yeah. And it took the cops a couple seconds to take them out because they're on horseback. Is that true? I mean, when you go to Austin, you go to 6th Street, the cops are just on horseback. Yeah, guy, it's one of those things where it's like, let's get off the horses.

Yeah. Yeah. And let's just get the drones out. Let's get the drones out. Yeah. We need some drones. Now, unfortunately, there's a lot of violence happening in the world, and the only thing really left to do now is just to laugh at it and just have fun, fun, fun, because it just feels like any moment now we're going to get newt. That's all you can do, really.

At this point. All you can do is really laugh, try to make jokes and cheer people up and just alert people that if World War III does happen, I did do my research. I think it would probably be North Dakota, Montana, and then one of the first. other one that what's the least, the one with the least population in the United States, not Wisconsin, but it's... Wyoming? Wyoming. You're a kid. You got, you know your states, you know your capital. Because I know it big. Yeah, so we have our missile silos there. We got our nukes there. So they'll probably try to take out our capabilities first, which means you'll be able to live an extra 20, 30 minutes, maybe an hour, two hours in New York. And that is enough

time to get a loophole before it ends. See, that's all I care about. And I disagree. Because if I know it's ending up calling Chrissy M's saying we're going straight for loophole. Because I think Iran, I don't believe that. I think Iran is going to take a look at the map of the United States and look for one thing and one thing only. Where are the most Jews? And then I think that's going to be New York City, Miami? Yeah. So they're going to just start curling nukes at those states first. Very pos. I don't think they're going to hit Montana because there's just not enough Jews there. Iran does not like Jewish people. No, they're not into them. It's not something they prefer. They're not into Jewish people. No, they're very

The Middle Eastern people overall are not into Jewish people. They're not huge. So it hurts the narrative when people go out and protest about Palestine or free Iran and all that. Because it just hurts the narrative because a lot of them are Jewish. And you want to say, buddy, they don't like you. Forget about you're gay also. Right. You're just done.

Yeah. You're a gay Jew. They don't like you. We like you. Right. We like you here. We love you. We want the gay Jews here on the history of hyenas podcast.

And we love muzzies too. Yeah. I love muzies. I love muzies people. I love all people. The United States is very tolerant nation. Iran is not. No, Iran is not...

Well, this leadership isn't... The new people will be. No, Iran is a very tolerant nation if you're not a Jew. Yes. That's what I would say. If you're not Christian or Jew, they're big on you. Big. So they're very tolerant.

It just depends on how you define it. Yeah. So that is very true that can happen. What's interesting about this conflict generally is it's confused a lot of people. Sure. It's confused me. Yeah, because... You got Shia Muslims.

You got your Sunni Muslims. I'm going to give you a little muzzy breakdown. You got Shia Muslims over here. And the Shia Muslims believe that the succession of Muhammad is what should be respected. What do you mean by that? It means if you were related to Muhammad, you're divine and his uncles, cousins, whatever. They're the ones that need to take over the religion. But how do you prove who's an uncle or cousin of Muhammad?

Check out their piece and see who's cut and who's not. So if you're cut, you've got to be a cousin. Muhammad was cut? I think they were all cut. I don't know. The Jews invented that. The Jews invented clipping. They did invent clipping.

And the Egyptians right now have perfected it. At least look, I mean, it's equality. The guys that used to be clipped. Now the girls are being clipped in it. So you got to give the Egyptians a round of applause for equality. Okay, so the Shiite, the Shia Muslims, right? These are the ones you're saying they believe everything. whoever descends from Muhammad,

we figure that out, that should be the leaders. And then the counterpart is the Shi... The counterpart is the Sunni. So isn't there Shiite Muslims? Shiite. So who's Shia and Shi'at? It sounds like a British guy saying shit. Shite.

So are Shia and Shiites the same? No, that's the same, yeah. So Shia and Shiites are the same? Yeah, it's... It's your abbreviating one. Shia, Shiite... Shit, okay. I thought it was like a formal, like in Spanish.

It's like... It's like Chris. It's like Chris. Stavis. Yeah, Chris and Christopher. Chris and Christopher. So the Shia Shiites believe in, I think. Okay.

And then what about the Sunny D's? The Sunny D's, the Sandra, the Sundra D's, they believe in like the generals and like the other guys. Because they think the Shi'i, if you're worshipping the people too much, then it's not divine enough. So would we be Shia or Sunni? The Sunnis accepted Abu Bakr, Umar Uthman, uh, uh, and Ali as the four rifle caliphs. Okay. And Shias believe one descendant, descendants of the prophet known as imams. So the Shiites are all about them imams.

And the Sunnis are all about, um, Akbar, Umar, Utman, and Ali as the rifle caliphs. One likes umams. So who would you be? Are you more Sunnis or you were Shi? Sometimes I'm in the move for a slice and sometimes I'm a move for a slice and sometimes I'm the move for a square. It's just what it is. I mean, still pizza. So we go, yeah, so we're just, yeah, we're just... Depends on what you're in the move for. They're still both pizza, technically. So, and they don't like each other. Sunni and Shiites don't like each other, and they both live in Iran.

They don't like each other big. And do they both live in Iran? No, do Shiyes are in Iran? They're about, they make up about 10% of global Muslims. So they're in a minority, but they're the majority of Iran. And then the rest of the Muslim world is Sunni. And then you got your Sufi Muslims, which can be Sufi Shia or Sufi Shia or Sufi Sunni. And your Sufis are more mystical. They're more spiritual. They believe in some other shit. Got it.

Yeah. But all of them are everyone from the Sufis to the Shi'i to the Sunni D's. Are they all the same thing covered up just the eyes out for the women? That is a good point. Or it's different degrees of it all. I think there's different degrees of it. So technically they're all supposed to be wrapped up. Okay.

So the Sunnis, you say, are the ones that make up most of Iran. Yes. So that's why the other Middle Eastern countries right now are getting in and fighting Iran because most to everyone else is Shia. Right. So they don't like them. If Iran was Shia, the other Middle Eastern countries wouldn't be getting involved. That's right.

And then in like Saudi Arabia, you got the Wahhabi Sunnis. Okay. Wahhabi Sunnis are like- They're spicy. They're spicy. And so they both look at each other as heretics. Yeah. So for religious reasons, they go, like a little Wahhabi Muslim on my sushi.

Yeah, I like a little Wahhabi mustard on my sushi as well. And so they are fighting each other. And Saudi Arabia, not a fan of Iran, and Iran not a fan of Saudi Arabia. Great. So that's what's going on there. So Iran... So it's not that neat. So the Ayatollah didn't like that Bill Burr went to the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

The Ayatollah is not a fan of that. The Ayatollah is not a fan of America. anyone who coeses up to America or does any business deals with Israel and that's currently the Saudi royal family and that's just the way the cookie crumbles as they say so okay so that's what it is

so right now what we have is a little bit of we have an argument in sand well we basically have we have a fighting sandbox the kids are playing naughty they're throwing sand at each other and what what most people don't know is some of the most Islamophobic people

are Islamic. Yes, because they don't like the CIA. Yeah, so they do that. So, and then, and now we have had what's going on to in the world of the internet is we do have a lot of propaganda, conspiracy. Like today, there was information that went off on us. That is a very good point. I would probably say it's true. We're probably going to cackle all that because we don't want to make America look like they're not invincible.

Right. And that's exactly why they love. That's what it is. So that's on the Patreon. Yeah, there's a couple of guys. guys that got them and those guys were wearing headwraps. No question. I mean, it's just what it is.

And okay. Because there's no way you're going to do friendly fire with three is your point. With three is my point. Yeah. That is, in fact, let's make a myth about it right now for the propaganda. Those were, it's the father, the son, the Holy Spirit. There's three of them, Christianity, crusades, whatever. We did it to ourselves in order to honor the father's son, Holy Spirit.

It's what it is. So it was actually friendly fire. And no pilots were lost because it was a miracle and God walks on water and all that stuff. It's what it is. and the pilots hit the ejection seats, which is probably fun. I'd like to do that once in my life. That would be fun too.

Hit the ejection seat. You want to hit the ejection seat in your life, don't you? Yeah, I really would like to just fucking parachute out. I'd like to land in Senegal and get an African wife. Yeah, so that's what they got to do. They got to feel that feeling. Would you like that feeling just shooting out into freedom? Yeah, I'd like that big.

And if you are an African Christian woman, you can go ahead and join patreon. com slash history hyenas. Yeah, that's really funny. And you can send this a message. Are you an African Christian woman? That's what I'm looking. That's what you're looking for.

Or I thought you were going to go Eastern Hemisphere. No, I'm not going to go Eastern Hemmy. The search now is for a sub-Saharan African Christian women. That's what you are. That's what it is. Yeah, okay, that's a nice one. Yeah, and then we also at patreon.com slash history. I mean, we are going to do the Nick dating game.

We have a live show next Monday, March 9th. So three single ladies, we will call them out from the crowd, and we're going to have a dating game with Nick. And we're going to get Nick's and puts. Yeah, read up ladies on your WWE alliances. We want to know You get your knowledge ready Because the questions will all be wrestling based Wrestling base

You remember the dating game where it's like Bachelor number one So you're taking me out of date So Nick's gonna be like Okay Bachelor number one Sting Where is he from

What intramural wrestling Local League did he start in And what was his heel name Yeah Before he became Sting Yeah Nick's gonna be like Okay fuck Mary Kill Ultimate Warrior

Hulk Hogan to Tonka. Go. Finish this sentence for me. Hulk Hogan was not a good wrestler because. Yes. Sean Michaels was actually the best wrestler and why. Yeah, if your ideal date doesn't involve going to WrestleMania, you're out. Ray Mysterio Jr. finally taking off his mask was bad for wrestling. Why?

Why? Yeah. Why? Why was that a national, international tragedy? and why, right? Right. We didn't want to see. We would rather have died

not knowing what Raybistario Jr. looked like. Yeah. Why did they do that? Why did they do that? Yeah. Because they disrespect the culture. Yes.

Disrespected the culture is what they did. It's what it is. They disrespected the culture. Yeah. That's what it did. This situation over in a rant is confusing a lot of people and it's fun to watch because you have people arguing who you wouldn't otherwise have arguing.

Right. Right. So you have this situation where you have the Ayatollah Khomeini who murdered tons of protests. Sure. But if you side with the protesters, then you're siding with something that Israel also wants. Right. So if you're in America and you're against Israel, you've got to not say anything.

So Iran has... It's confusing for you. Iran has what we call a situation. There's a situation right now. Yeah. The Middle East is flaring up again. It's got a bit of a situation. So unfortunately, Chrissy does.

is not going to go to the Saudi Arabian Comedy Festival this year. Unfortunately, no, I don't think there will be a South Arabian Festival. Yeah, but I will go off there. I'll go on Zoom. Yeah. There will just be bombs there, and it'll feel like there's still a festival going on if certain comedians go. Yeah, it's just what it is.

Those that, like the bomb. Bomb, big. Yeah. I don't know who that might be. But, yeah, it's a very complicated situation, and it seems like... It seems like it's not going to get better. Yeah, and it seems like certain people are scared to talk about it because they don't. want to appear Islamophobic.

Right. So that's sort of the situation. Right. Because you'd be arguing against essentially the ruling class over there, which are Muslims. And the thing is, we don't really know what's going on over there. That's why I stick to really, for me, what this is about is just releasing the babes from Iran because Iran has babes, babes, babes.

Release the fucking babes. Yeah, release. I mean, Iran has got babes. Release the fucking babes. Iranian women are babes. So for me, it's about bomb who you want, kill what you want, give us the babes. That is our position on this. Yes.

We're not for or against it. We are for one thing, and that is released the babes. The babes of Iran, I mean, you are welcome here. You have a home here at the history hyenas show because make absolutely no mistake. I will get Allah tattooed on my forehead to have some of these Irish babes. Because Beverly Hills was celebrating big. Big. Because those are all Persian Jews over there.

Yeah. Yeah. They're big into this. Yeah. They want it big. Big. Yeah. And Iranians in the diaspora were celebrating big.

Do we have Iranians in New York City? Absolutely. Big time. But where are they located? They're all over the place. But they're big in Beverly Hills. They're big in Beverly Hills. They're big in New York.

If you're an Iranian girl out there and you're into a guy with a skin tag on his eyelid, you go to Patreon. You go to Patreon. You've been doing something with that because it's gotten smaller. I've got a face care routine now. Do you really? What do you do? That's my new thing.

I use Brickle face cream, not a sponsor. I just found them Brickle. And how did I find them? It's because Ryan Surnan uses it, I think. I don't know if he does, but I have a moisturizer I put on. I have an eye cream. And I just have a skincare routine at the moment. Nice.

Yes. Just a little history. And I just also wanted to just say publicly just because I forgot, I did use the company card to sign up for an only fan's account. So I just want to say that before I forget And it's only $6 a month Every problem has a solution So I just obviously could have put on the family card So I put it on the company card

And I will Venmo you the difference If it's you know So you just if you see that Just know that if you get a charge That says yes we did We've joined the only fans for the company And it's technically theoretically It's a tax write off

If you want to go sniff out What's Chrissy's screen name is there Go look. What did you name yourself? Hihino or John Diaz? Squique or John Diaz? Yeah. And you can find me as Carlos Danger on there. What it is because I make absolutely no mistake. I got back on Instagram. I'm comfortably back on social media now. And I got hooked by an only fan's model immediately. So I just used the company card. I used the Bay Ridge Boys card. And we just, now we are the proud, we are the proud sponsors. Sponsors of an only fans model.

Oh my phone's over there I'll show you on the Patreon We'll talk all about it I mean she's got big boobs And you'd want to clean it big What can you do? What can you do except for Release the Babes of Iran

Release the Babes of Iran I mean the name of this episode Is the Babes of Iran And we're gonna be right back After a short commercial break Because I have to jerk off Cause remember that shirt I was wearing last week That had the polka dots

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performance fabric so it's effortless to look sharp and feel great and they make men's wear they're not making women's wear they're making men's shit they sent me an absolutely cute shirt too because um i am into cute stuff and what they assured me ended up being true and that is that the shirts stay crisp yeah they stay comfortable yeah and somehow they stay clean way longer than they should because the my mizzen and main shirt has been through uh multiple massages at west garden and it's still cream. Most dress shirts make you choose look polished or feel comfortable. Misen and Maine is the first shirt that I have ever worn because that actually does both. And it does it without ironing, without steaming or without dry cleaning, which is why I like it,

because I'm a lazy Greek. You're a lazy Greek. And hairs how I know Mizzin and Maine is great. Nick's even wearing Mizzin and Maine stuff. He's for the first time since the late 90s, he's gotten out of some wrestling t-shirts and putting on some Mizzin and Mane. And that's what it's good for. It's what it is. Right now Mizzin and Maine is offering our listeners. there's 20% off your first purchase at mizzen and main.com. promo code hyenas 20. That's hyenas 2.0. That's Mizan spelled M-I-Z-Z-E-N and Maine.

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Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chewold gold with the code hyenas. That's promo code hyenas visit. Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this pod. Yeah, that's what you do. That's what you do. you know, if you see a like on your page from the history, I hate it's just for engagement.

It's our social media manager. It's what it is. It's always Nick. Yeah, it's Nick. He's a pervert. You always blame Nick or Jesse. Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay, roughly... You made me spit up my coffee, cuz. Because roughly half of the nations Iranians reside in the state of California. The other large

communities include New York, New Jersey, which have 9.1% of the U.S. Iranian population. Okay, so we got the second most Iranians live here. So the babes are out. Yeah. So I was about to give you that fact. And also Texas is in there. So it's basically all the hotspots you would think of that have all the immigrants is where Texas, Maryland, the Maryland, D.C. area, New York and L.A. Yep. That's where they all are. And so this is a situation where there's a long history. There's a long history between the United States and Iran and the United States and Israel. Because Iran and the United States used to be, we used to be friends, right?

No. Oh, we were never friends. Oh, we never got along. Ew. They never really got along. No, we never really got along in the modern Iran. Modern Iran. Got it.

Modern Iran is, I guess you can say, 1979 and on. Before the 70s. Before that, we got along, well, if you consider us getting in their control and their oil and kind of doing CIA operations getting along, we did. Get along. Which is getting along with the United States. Yeah.

If you do what we say, you get along with us. It's what it is. I mean, you ever seen old pictures of Tehran from the 60s? How beautiful it is. Oh, the babes. I mean, the babes. The babes. The fucking hot, hot Iranians.

I mean, it's like covering up a beautiful car. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Put it on display. Get it on display. Yeah. Get it out there. Why would you do that?

So in 53, there was a CIA coup. The CIA and M-16 orchestrated coup to overthrow Mosideh, right? So they wanted to overthrow him because he nationalized Iran's oil industry. And if there's one thing the United States does not like, historically, it's when you say the oil belongs to the people.

Yeah, they don't like that. They don't want that. No. They don't want to hear that at all. No, the oil does not belong to the people. No, the oil does not belong to your people. Just because it's under your ground, it belongs to the strongest people. Yes. And that's what we like. We like your Playboy and sell it. Playball and sell is cheap oil, and that's our number one priority usually.

So if you just follow those rules. Sure. I'm not here to tell you how to live. Right. I'm just saying, if you know what's good for you, right. What you want to do is never say that the oil belongs to the people. Yeah, because it does not. It does not belong to the people.

Now, let me ask you this. In 1979, I mean, the Shah was overthrown in a popular revolution led by Ayatollah Khomeini, who just was killed by the U.S. So what happened? No, that was that was a, that was the United States. the original Ayatollah Khomeini. Okay, okay. So what... They just keep reincarnating the same guy with...

Same name? Same name, same shit. But this Ayatollah has been there... Supreme Leader, he's the head of the religion too. But for 46 years or whatever, 47 years he's been there. So then why did they... Like, what happened in 1979 or leading up where the people wanted this? Because, I mean, now they're overthrowing it the other way.

Right. So what happened after we overthrew their prime minister, Mosidu... And the people... right so young people college students and uh Islamists okay uh were like we want the foreign influence out they're they're trying to take our oil they're trying to take our resource to try to control us so there was and uh you know the western influence the Muslims didn't like the Western influence girls dressed in the way they were dressing and the students you know they were communist students and and liberal very progressive students we have here they were like get out colonialism

Western influence, get out, get out. So they teamed up. The students, the young people of Iran, teamed up with the Islamists. Okay. And they kicked out the American and the British-backed Shah. And then- But those girls, that kicked them out,

then all of a sudden could just show their eyes for the next 46 years? No. So then they went, yes, we got them out, we got them out. And they went to high-five. The girls and the college students went to high-five the Islamists.

Okay. They cut their arms off. Yeah. And said, but we're not doing that. Yeah. We're not doing that. What we're going to do right now is you're going to put a blanket over your body. Right.

Yeah. So in other words, the college kids had a little bit of a whoopsie. The college kids said, oh, maybe we fucked up. Yeah. So that's what happened. But then they got locked into this for 46 years. They got locked into something. They didn't really see that part coming.

Because what they did was they aligned themselves with the wrong person. Shi'i Islam. And then they took power. And then... So they got duped by the Islamists in a way. I don't know if they got dup. I don't think the Islamics were ever lying about who they were. I think it was just like, hey, they were convenient allies in getting rid of Dasha and the American and British, you know, installed government.

I see. Which they both, they had a common enemy and they joined up. And then it was like once they were gone, once we were gone, the Islamists said, okay, which one of us is going to win now? Right. And they said, we're going to win because we believe in peace and all that. And we said, well, you know guys don't have any swords. You don't have any swords and you don't got any weapons. So yeah.

And your beliefs are not as strong as our beliefs. So that's what happened. Interesting. So now, and then pretty much since 1979, the United States has been looking for a way to overthrow them. Well, get back, right? Yeah, so since 79, then we started throwing some sanctions on them, trying to do whatever we can to cripple them, to cripple that regime or whatever. And the Shiye Muslim's not a fan of Israel. so they started funding all these proxy militia groups

because they didn't want to directly do anything. Right. Right. So they started funding groups like Hezbollah and the Houthis and Hamas to kind of fuck shit up. And over the years, they bombed, you know, they hijacked the plane.

TWA plane in 1985. They went... The Iranians. Yeah, well, Hezbollah. Hezbollah. The Iranians will never say it was around. They'll go, It wasn't us.

But if Hezbollah, Who is that? That's the terrorist. Proxy of Iran. Right. That, okay. Proxy of Iran. And they, so 85, there was the TWA. Because I always think Hezbollah is that little kid on Instagram.

Who's that one? Yeah, his name is. Is his name, Hezbollah? Right? Yeah, something close to that. The little, the squeak. Yeah, because there's a lot of times I would see Hezbollah attacks. And I say this little, fuck it.

Somebody put this little fucking kid back in his room. I just call him the Rizler of the Middle East. Yes, that's what he is. But is his name, Hezbollah? Something like that. Yeah. You want somebody put him back in his kid. cage, right? I said, just what is this kid? What do you mean?

He's going around biting ankles? What's he doing? Yeah, what is he doing? What somebody put this kid back in his room? Give him fish sticks and get them in the back back room. Yeah, so we've had a lot of drama with Iran over the years. And then of course there was the Iran-Contra scandal. Right. So we had the TWA hijacking 85. We had the Marine that they bombed and killed like 200, 300, 300 Marines. U.S. Marines? And we didn't, we didn't hit them with a nuke for that? No, we didn't hit them with a nuke, cuss. How Dony T would have hit you with a nuke for that. Did he probably made you pay for that a little?

Who was the president in the 1980s? That was Carter, right? Was that under Carter or Reagan? 85. So a different kind of guy. If a guy like Trump was in and you did that, if you did that today, you killed 300 Marines, it would not be good for your country. No.

Why didn't they hit them? Why didn't the U.S. attack them? Because it's a complicated thing. They're a big country, 90 million people, you know. It wouldn't have been, we weren't as big as we were now, the U.S., right? or we were. We were big. I mean, we didn't have the, I don't know.

have the discobulator. Trump just pulls the trigger. He does pull the trigger. Is that just what it is? Do you think a lot of presidents want to do what Trump did? But Trump just pulls the trigger? Well, undoubtedly, that's the thing. If you look at what Hillary said, she said, I want the people of Iran to know if I get elected president, we're going to war with Iran. Right. We're going in there. So they all say the same. It's even with the border. Everyone goes like Trump with the border. You look back at what, even what Bernie said about the border. I mean, Bernie's even saying like you can't have an open border. Like very conservative on the border is Bernie. Hillary said it. Obama said it. Clinton said it.

They all say the same shit. It's just that Trump's tone is a little more crass and he's a little bit more, he's less. He doesn't. Less politiciany. He's less politiciany and he's a little more divisive with his rhetoric. Right. He doesn't know how to like, he doesn't know how to smile and bomb. Right, right.

He got a smile and bomb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes out there and he goes, the Tony, Camani is dead. Dead. Yeah. He doesn't go like, we've fulfilled operations and the objectives from Matt. He goes, he dies like a dog. They died in the sand.

He died crying for his mama. Right. I got him before he got me. Fuck you. Right. He's that guy. He's that guy. Yeah.

Which maybe I understand there's a lot of negatives about that. I get that. But sometimes in times of need, you just need a guy like that. History will tell. That's the thing. Everyone's arguing now. Like everyone, oh, this is going to cause World War Treaty. Maybe it will.

Right. There's a good chance it will. But it's also a chance that, you know, and this works out. By 2027, you got JetBlue flights direct to Tehran. It's possible. And Little Debo's, you know, might be throwing the bags on. We're going direct to Tehran, baby, with Deidre from O'Neils. Definitely Saudi Arabia, Israel, the United States, they're trying to remake the Middle East.

Right. They want this to change. Right. So they see Iran as, like, the number one sponsor of extremist groups, and they want to get rid of it. Now, will they? No. I mean, look, because you still got the Pakistanis out there. you still got the Afghans.

Well, right now, Pakistan and Afghanistan are at war. Right. So, like, they're distracted over there. I don't know what that war is about, but they're both Muslim countries and they're fighting each other over something. Yeah. So it's just like, oh, India wants this too big. A lot of people want this big.

India wants Iran out of here. India is big against Muslims. Right. So they don't care. They're actually more indiscriminate. They just go, we're against Muslims because of the whole Pakistani thing. Yeah. The whole civil war between the Hindus and the Muslim.

They're just not a fan. It's just what it is. They're just not fans. So the Indians, the Hindus and the Muslims. You know, we forget sometimes. We live in a country. We live in a westernized country. We're like, you know, politically correct.

And we do all those things. And I see the positives in that. But there's other places in the world where they just tell you how it is on national television. They tell you how it is a national television. The school teachers is just in India will just say, we just want the Muslims out of here. That's the irony. Right. That's what it is.

When it comes to human rights, when it comes to individual rights, when it comes to justice. You just can't be trans in Russia. Or Ukraine. They're just not going to allow it. That's the irony of it when it comes to disson. But we do here. Freedom of speech, dissonance, individual rights.

There's nothing compares to the United States in the Western world. When people rail against the United States in the United States, it's proof of how great the United States is. Because you can't just in China go, you know what, the government sucks. You disappear. Right. You disappear. Right. So that's the irony of it.

Kind of the irony of it is like you're allowed to complain about the people's in power here. They're allowed to get voted out. You know, whenever you have these guys call, like anyone calls someone a boot licker. Yeah. One of these like communist goes. What does that mean boot liquor? Boot liquor means like, oh, you're like a maga boot liquor. Oh, like you love maga.

You love power. It's like, and a lot of these people love China and you're going, wait a second. So you're favoring a system that always elects a strong man that can't be voted out. And you and the people there have to bend to his power. That is the definition of bootlicking. We can vote out our people. We can vote out our people. Just remember on the podcast, you're not talking to your brother.

This is a conversation that you have with your brother. Right. I'm trying to make points to my brother. You're looking at me like I'm your brother. I do not call you a MAGA bootlicker. I'm not your brother. I'm not MAGA. I'm not MAGA.

But your brother says you're a mega. My brother, yeah, my brother, he doesn't like anything that sounds moderate. Yeah, and then your comeback to him will say, I might be a boot liquor, but you're a booty liquor. Or I'll just punch him in stomach. Yeah, it's what it is. Like you did at your dad's birthday party. Now, because, listen. It's a complicated world.

We need to release the babes from Iran. We want the babes of Iran to be safe. We want the babes of Iran to know that we hear you. We are looking forward to your unveil. We know that you're a beautiful babes in that country. We love the babes of Iran, and we want you to stay safe. Want me to stay warm? We want you to join patreon.com says history ain't as you have a safe haven.

We will open up the border with no questions to ask for the babes of Iran. If you are refugee in Iran and we have a system here, if you're over in seven to seven and a half out of ten, you're in. We should be treating the border like they do nightclubs. Yeah. The door at nightclubs. Yeah. If you're a guy, you need three hot babes with you to get in. Or else, there's no guys alive.

I mean, I would understand if I was trying, if I was going to a country, if the United States really did fall apart and we had to go to like Mexico or Canada or something like that, say Canada. And the guy at the border of Canada, I could see him letting jazz in. And my daughters would be older by then. I'm sure they'll be beautiful like their mom. And then I just won't get in. And I would just understand I'm not going to get in. Sometimes. Unless I had three babes from Iran with me.

Yeah. Sometimes you don't got to overthink stuff. I get it. Like just follow the rules of nightcloth. I would not complain at all. And Donald Trump as the president, I'm sure he would have. agreed that the babes of Iran can come into the country. Exactly. That's what it should be.

And the babes of South America could come to the country. It's no problem. I mean, did you see the guy, the girl who Mamdani got her out of prison last week from Azerbaijan? Guamadon, did you see the, he got her out of the ICE detention center? I mean, look at this girl. Trump took a look at her and was like, okay. She's in. There was no looking over the record. They said, oh, but she's got connections to Hamas. He said, let her in. Yeah. There should be, for every Border Patrol agent, there should be, uh, yeah, I mean, there should be an attending list guy. Yeah, a door guy standing right

next to him going, you two, I mean, stay. This, you know, I mean, it's just a babe, babe, babe. Forget about coming into the country. Come, she can come in my family. It's what it is. Yeah. Now, speaking to babes, because I want to give us quick, congrats to you and your wife, today's your anniversary. Today is my anniversary. Yeah, and we were supposed to do the live show and you forgot that the anniversary is happening. So where, what's the dinner? Where are we going? You're not invited unfortunately, cuss. What do you mean? Yeah, you can't come.

What we're going to do? What if I'd just sitting in another table? No, you can't do that. I want to be a party anniversary and your wife's birthday party. Yeah. He texted me and he said, you would have a sleepover tonight. Yeah. Because are we going to celebrate your wife's birthday and your wife's anniversary at Sol Joel's wedding?

That's what we're going to do. Yeah. You got a nice dinner lined up tonight? Well, what we're going to do, she said, because we got the kids and all that. Sure. So if I get back early, maybe we'll take the kids and go somewhere. Otherwise, we're going to do, she just said, just bring me some nice sushi. My wife is addicted to.

sushi. I think in a previous life she was a Jap. Honestly, Kahn's from Long Island. She's not Jewish, but she definitely is a Jap. That's what I'm saying. I meant. I meant Jewish American princess. Now, I think with your wife, that's great because she's not putting a lot of pressure on you. She's saying, I have a husband right now who definitely forgot it's her anniversary. So if you could just bring me a little sushi, that would be good. And I think that's good. Yeah. I think that's good. I, that wouldn't unfortunately be my life. Well, you don't have an anniversary yet. Not yet. Yeah. Well, I do. It's January 6th. You have a gotcha day. You have a gotcha day. Never forget I proposed on January 6th.

And if you were more of a dog person, you would know how funny that is. Gotcha. You have a gotcha day. Right. So a gotcha day is when you rescue a dog from a rescue. Yeah. They call that the gotcha day anniversary. Okay.

So it's not the official birthday. It's a gotcha day. Right. And since you're, you know, wife or not married, you just have a gotcha day. Gotcha day. Yeah. You just have a day of like, gotcha. Yeah.

I impregnated you. Because I got a property. I got, you know, on my backyard, there's not a fence in the back. and the kids came running back and they said Josephine got up to the fence and she went on the other side of the fence and I didn't necessarily sprint to go find her. I just, I got out there and I did find her and I did get her, but it wasn't urgent. It's I said, okay, I'm going to get her. Let me just take a piss, wash my hands. Let me put on my good boots. But then we did get her. That's what makes me wonder about you because Germans typically love dogs, especially the biting ones.

Right. They love them. There's so many dog breeds that are German. Right. So many, right? And they all bite. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The Germans, I mean, they like, but even the, a lot of the, a lot of the terrier, right? You got the, you got schnauzers and stuff. Schnauzers. Doxon's bite? Got dachshund. I mean, so many dog breeds originated in German. The Germans love them. You know who does not like dogs?

Who? Muzzis. Chinese? Two good guesses. Family feud survey says. First and second place. Jews, gayes? No, they, oh, gays, love dogs.

Love dogs. Yeah, they love small ones. Who doesn't like dogs? I know Muslims don't. Muslims and Chinese. Well, Muslims, number one. Muslims, it's part of their culture. Dogs need to be, they can't sleep indoors.

So the best thing is just not to have them. They can be used for utilitarian purpose. You can use them to farm or whatever for their job, but you can't, like, have them inside. It's not, yeah, it would be like having like a wild animal in your house. Yeah, they're just not into it. They're dirty animals. Right, right. Yeah, but look at all these.

Germans have the boxer, the dachshound, the Doberman Pinsla, the Great Danes, the German shepherds, the Minisher Snauzer, the Pomeranian, the Wattweller, and the Jew finder. Way song she is a... Because the Pots Finder, this is the Jew finder. Yeah, the Jew finder is an unknown breed. Yeah. Is specific.

Yeah, I mean, because I almost... You know what's crazy? Before we got Josephine, who's a mix of a Siberian husky and a German Shepherd, we almost were going to go for a Great Dane. Yeah. Which would have been wild, because that dogs like a horse, no? That dog's like a horse and it lives like four years. Yeah, it's what it is.

So that would be good for me. Tim Dillon just texted me, getting bad quick. So... What happened now? I don't know. What he does is he just takes a text and he sends it out to like 40 people and whoever replies to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But something must be going bad, but I just wanted to read to the people what I told you. I wanted you to know something about dogs. And I really did want you to know this. And it's from the... Well, the rest of this will go at Patreon at our top... Oh, no. We are reading text messages at patreon. is at patreon.com

slash history heinous on a weekly basis now and they're 10 out of tens and they're worth the money. This one is going to definitely be

this one was wild but remember I told you about dogs. I know you have for paying attention or whatever but I told you about Josephine

because I know that you're trying to get her run away. Right. I know you want her gone. Right. What I've been doing is I've been putting

peanut butter on like trees across the street. Yeah. Yeah, that's what you're doing. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's just what it is. Yeah. Okay, so we're going to read all this at Patreon. So none of it can go on the YouTube, but all is to go at patreon.com slash history.

Yeah, if you don't know, we have a series at our top level where we regularly post our text messages because they're just a little too, they're a little too unfiltered for the regular conduits of entertainment. Yeah, it's just you can't do it. You can't do it. So we just got to make sure that you are somebody who can afford to listen to this stuff. Yeah, it's just what it is. And, you know, as I said last week, you know, unfortunately with me, sometimes what happens is when it, you know, I just get in a mode where I get silly, silly, silly, silly.

And what really gets me in that mode is THC and the head executives of the network I had a pilot for that was in development for two years, sent me this email that was very nice and very tasteful and very kind about how it was just a budget. issue and it wasn't creative and this and that and I just sent them back the emoji of an open asshole and that's just what I emailed back and I left it and my manager yelled at me and Jimmy yelled at fun and I just didn't care because I said at this point who cares I sent them back an asshole have fun with that have fun that's exactly the emoji that um Trump sent to ilatola kamani after the talks disappeared he just sent an open ass open asshole so the iran contra scandal was another one of the

things that went down yeah tell me about the iranah The Iran-Contra. Ran-Contra scandal was interesting. I think we're going back to 1985. So I was one-year-old. You were a one-year-old little boy. I was a little boy, but I was already fighting for the United States. You were already fighting for the United States.

I was getting the tingle for Dolly Parton. Yeah. So this was a secret backdoor arrangement that was set up... Sounds gay. Supposedly without Reagan's knowledge. He didn't know all the detail. But we think he did. I mean, most historians...

say, obviously he did. Sure. So the Iranians had hostages. They took hostages. A few of them were high-profile hostage. In 1979, they took hostage. No, 1985. Oh, okay, this is not the 79.

Okay, sorry. They have hostages. Okay. And a few of them were high-profile. Okay. So they started doing back-channel negotiations with Iran saying, we will... With the Ayatollah.

Right? With the Ayatollah. Yeah. They'll go in, we will. send you, we'll sell you some weapons. Okay. We'll sell you some weapons at a good price.

Yeah. And you'll get those weapons in exchange for the hostages. Okay. So. Which is interesting because wouldn't they just use the weapons against us? Exactly. Right. So, you know, this is what makes the world so weird. But we we wanted to get the hostages back, but you never want to negotiate with terrorists or

kidnappers or whatever you want to call it and let the people know that you're giving into them, right? Because it sets a bad press. Because then other terrorists, the groups will kidnap more people. That's why they say you never can give into the demands or else they'll just encourage others to do it. Sure. Right. So we didn't want to look bad. So this was all back channel.

And of course, this was highly unconstitutional. This is without Congress's knowledge. The executive branch goes, hell, we're going to sell you some weapons you want that'll probably end up killing us. Sure. But you'll give us our hastages back and you'll get the weapons. And then we took the money from those weapons and we funded the Contras in Nicaragua, who were fighting the Sandinistas. And the contras were people who were a group that would not say something like the oil belongs to the people of the country.

Okay. Those are always the groups. If you're in that group, you're safe from the United States. Right. If you're in a group that says the oil belongs to the highest bidder or for the best deal, you'll be safe from the United States. So the country, so the money that Iran gave them. No, wait, wait, you're saying Iran gave us the hostages back? Iran gave us the hostages.

And some money. And some money. We took that money and secretly took the profits from that money and funneled it. And it was all coordinated by a guy named Oliver North. Okay. Who got off on some technicalities eventually. Now, it should be in prison, but for some reason, like, ah, something went wrong. Right.

Now he's on Fox. Right. Yeah. He was the head of the NRA for a second. Because Reagan knew about all this and Reagan Greenlit or all. But Reagan insulated himself from it. I don't know. I didn't know who's going on.

But the truth is, as many. He's just eating jelly beans. Many people believe he knew. Of course he knew. Right. Of course he knew. Right. He's the head of the executive branch of the commander in chief.

Right. So the key figures obviously were Caspar Weinberger. Okay. Who I can guess, yeah, where he's from? I can guess, I can guess, Caspar Weinberger is probably, I would say, what I would say about him is with the last name like that, he's not welcome in Iran. Yeah. That we'll just say about people now that you're not welcome in Iran. Not welcome in Iran.

Yeah. I'm sure, I'm sure, what's your name? Rosebud Baker's dad is somewhere around here too. No, James Baker. Yeah, I'm sure he was somewhere around here. John Poindexter, Oliver North, Ronald Reagan, Casper Weinberger. Those are your key figures that were in it. Casper Weinberger was a secretary of offense who opposed the arm sales, but was later indicted for perjury.

So he was doing a little pretending. John Poindexter was the National Security Advisor who approved Oliver Norse plan and he had to resign when the scandal broke because some Lebanese journalists broke the story because they shot down a cargo plane

in Nicaragua Yeah and is that what happened? Oh yeah There's a Lebanese newspaper Al Shiari exposed the arms for house of jail Yeah Yeah you're right after a cargo plane carrying supplies to the Contras was shot down in Nicaragua

Somebody said wait what's going to on here. Right. And like I said, the Oliver North and John Pointexter were let free because there was some appeal, you know, basically power let power off. And then basically, because it was over bullshit and they just didn't put them in prison when they should have been. When they should have been in prison. And then they just, you know, everybody got pardoned just like the Epstein. Yeah. George Bush pardoned everybody and it just all went away. And that's all that happened from there. Yeah. But the, but this is again involving. I. There's always a little bit of drama with Iran.

There's always a little bit of drama with Iran. It's a little bit like the state of Minnesota. It's always just a little bit of drama. There's a lately just a little bit of drama. There's certain places that have certain drama. Now, if your place has oil, you're either going to be friends with us or there's going to be drama. That's what it is. That's all you need to know.

That's what it is. It's all you need to know. And I know there's a lot of people who go, no blood for oil. I know there's a lot of people who go like, we shouldn't do that. But then they're walking in sneakers. They've got tires on their car. they're eating out of plastic bags. It's like, I understand the morality of all this,

but at the end of the day, everyone needs oil. All you got to do is watch Landman to understand. Yeah, we just need a little oil, Billy Bob Thorne, and the daughter. And this administration is unlike any other administration. I will say this. Yeah. And that they just fucking say it. They just say it, which is interesting.

And make absolutely no mistake, the daughter from Landman, who's Glenn Powell's alleged girlfriend, looks a lot like the only fans model, who we're now sponsoring on this podcast. Because how funny has it been when you listen to this administration? They go, so what have we got? They go, what have we got out of this Venezuela thing? They go, we're controlling their fucking oil.

We jack their oil. Right. Like, they're just saying it. They're just like, other administrations would dance around it. Right. And be like, this is an enemy of America. And they're trying to, they're trying to take our freedoms or you need to shop in order to stay away from terror.

This administration goes, look, we're stealing their oil. Yeah. We're going to go in and we're going to steal their oil. And that's going to be good for our country. It's a little bit. I know that it's going to lead to World War III. We're all going to get nuked. But I do have iodine and a 30-day supply of Fetuccino Alfredo and gas masks for me and my family. So I do have all those things ready to go in my basement. However, I got to be honest, it is a little refreshing to just hear an administration go, yeah, this is what we're doing? Because when you tell the truth, what can you say? I know, you're lying. I know it's about oil. And because other politicians would dance around it. But now what are you going to say? You can just call them a scumbag. And they go, yeah, I know. And they go, so are you. You need it. We're all scumbags. This is how empires are built. We deal the resources. Yeah, it's what it is.

So in conclusion, the Contras didn't win. The Sandinistas won and it was all for nothing, but we did get the hostages back. And we still got beef with Iran and now it's fucking on. And now it's on. And in conclusion, as we've been saying time and time again, every five minutes, we reiterate the same thing. What we care about here on this podcast, what we care about here in this country, is that to make sure that the babes of Iran, who there are millions of them, that they are safe.

and we welcome the violence stop. We welcome them into our borders. And if they want to stay in Iran, we welcome whatever they'd like to do. And if you have to make money, honey, then you make money. And absolutely, I will join your only fans. And I will use the company card. It's what we call a little bit of a loophole.

It's called a loophole. I don't know how you say that in Farsi. Yeah. But it's a loophole. So go to patreon.com slash history hyenas. We're going to have those text messages up there. We're going to have an ad-free episode. And of course, we read.

read out the newest members of the matriarchy at the end of every episode on YouTube, which comes out every Thursday at 3 p.m. And the Patreon episode's come out two days before every Tuesday. So join the matriarchy. Funniest name wins. We give you a prize at the end. Okay. Welcome to the matriarchy, John Baller.

Then we got they call me Rattlesnake because I put coins up my ass. Put them on the list. On the list. Okay. Then we got Steve Harvey Oswald. Put them on the list. Wow. There you go.

That's what you call, you know what that is? Yeah. That's what you call the Los Angeles Dodgers. Back to back. Back to back. Back to back. Then we got half Italian, half Japanese, aka Goynip. Flat of 14.

Drexler. You know what? That's a chicken finger. Go ahead. Really solid, really good. But unfortunately, the two before you are contenders. Then we got pseudopine, but my chimney's clean. Okay?

Wait a second. That's one of those things. That's hitting the net. And I don't know which side it's dropping on. Right. So I just need to see what side the ball drops on. Put it on the list. On the list.

Dropped on the other side. Yeah. And there's an apology from the other tennis player. Pseud. Pene. My chimney's clean. That's right. Chimney's the asshole. Remember that.

No blue chew. Just can't get hard unless you suck my dick, babe. Drexler. No more breakups or it's sleeping with the Leroy's. Queer eye for American black guys. Drexler. That's what he's got. Fuck.

We're coming out strong. Brendan Truesdale, Tim. Then we got Frisbee girl. Put my meat in one hole and my milk in the other. Okay. Brandon where are we missing something there put my meat frisbee girl Jewish girl frisbee girl I put my meat in one hole and my milk in the other kosher I guess ah so it's a good joke okay it's good job

Rexler yeah um very good joke actually Brandon Rossi then we got cock always ready like Rocco Sofredi Rocco Sofredi's a kid who likes to fuck yeah Olivia D. Novellis micro when soft Kyle Resnick Scotty blue eyes thunder thundercry Father Bill makes me cry. Call me Yanni, Mom Dhani, because I'm seizing those footstockings.

Drexler. Sonny Terese, Ed Dantes, father Bill, Jamaica, Taylor. I pump to Trump's diaper dumps. Brooks Art Vizan. Need for Pene 2, Tokyo dribble. Big Black Hawk. Joseph Goebbels, the crust.

Jesus. Way song she ain't. Walked in one. Clean my chimney. Now it's Miss Sphinctor. Swiffer to you. My ma is my guma. That's gross.

Jesus Christ. You know, it could be heartwarming, too. You know what I mean? Like he's a married guy. Right. And his other loves his ma. His mom, it's fine. This could be an Italian kid who loves his ma.

My ma. Oh, I'm sorry. Aussie kid. So we've got the Australian kids in here. Chimney sweep me off my feet right between the ass cheeks. Must have been after that episode. Right. Isaac, Sarah Hulzug, eyes glued shut.

List. List, yep. List. Eyes glued shut. Contender, chicken finger. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you like that.

Yeah, I like it big. Yeah. Skaha dot ding and turn my eel into steel. Melania's Secret Service, aka the mandingo jigolo, she orders when Trump's out golfing. There's no question. There's no question. It's just what it is, right? It's just no question.

Cash Patel. is the only one who can look Yanni directly in the eyes. Put him on the list. Put him straight on the list. Contender. Contender, right? Yeah. Because his eyes are very close together. Well, he's cross-side.

He's cross-side. Yeah. He's looking in that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the visual is very funny. He's the only one who can, his eyes are going this way. Very funny. Yeah.

This is a contender. Yeah. Teselo squeaking. We got to grease to catapult because we got a few. Got a few. Leon Mux. I name my rice cooker little boy. Okay.

Lad of 14. I don't get it. Like the rice cook. that he has he named it little boy like uh because that dropped the nuke over Japan oh right yeah it's walked in a one yeah jazz's bike seat okay

can't disparage the family um uh not a right not all right god dang Bobby J.C God dang Bobby

God dang Bobby uh uh that one guy Jesse yeah oh we're gonna chicken figure Just for Jesse, yeah. J.C., confused robot, Dave, decads,

the roofs leaking mustard gas. It's all quiet on the front of lobe. Put him on the list. Okay, there he is. All quiet on the front of the lobe is 10, right? We got, dude, this is, this is, yeah. Dude, people were saying last week's was a banger.

Like a lot of, a lot of the Patreon members were going, like, last week's live, I think this might be the best list at all time. Daniel LeBron, Bryce P., Bled's, T. Paineel. Islamabad, yes, I'd say so. Yeah, I get it. Pakistan. Yeah, no, Islamabad is the capital of Pakistan, right? Yeah. Yeah, we're going to walk into that.

It's very funny. Yeah. Chrissy can't stop eating. True. Spencer Copic, meaty strombol, Lazarus, bury me in Sid Sweeney's Quiff Chapel. It's what it is. I mean, calling it a queef chapel. These people are so fucking funny, dude.

Yeah, yeah. My foot looks like. Chrissy's head because I got gout. He's got swollen feet because. Sweep it, babe. It won't get hard unless you sweep my chimney, babe. Drexler. Drexler.

Mike, come back. I had to sign up for this again. Martin Luther. Oh, shit. Last 14. Yeah. Okay, walked into one. History of hyena's back, babe.

Can you suck my dick, babe? Montantily retarded. Kamal Kazi. Kamala Kazi. Uh-huh. Mota. Chris House needs to get struck by Jewish lightning. Martin Kopeck.

The insurance. Yeah. Asian. What was the other one? Alex Thornton. Martin Kopeck. Asian in the South called Hazard. I mean, yeah.

Racist. Okay. Racist and creative. That's what happens when you get out of the walk into one less. You're racist. You're morally bad, but creative. Yeah. Kian. Then we got Chrissy D.

the boy opposite the boy in the striped pajamas Abbey Drexler ate my chicken fingers Vincenzo the Leroyd Destroyer Puglisi Kids, that's a walked-in-a-one Unfortunately Worst Super Bowl for a Drake since the last one

Okay, this is a couple of weeks old I know where John Bonae Ramsey is And I'm not telling Amussie stole my heart and fucked it Casey sent it Ding camera is useless at night makes everyone look white. Okay?

Ladd 14. Resist. Joel McEaw anything. The ding camera? camera. Yeah. Like the ring camera. Yep. What it is is you're racist and morally wrong, but you're very creative. Racist and creative. Salhudo

Alaraza. Italian Jewish kid Nino the Ninos. Skyline 247. Steve Helm. Jeremy R. Horatio, Master of Self-Falachio. Yanni Tuck. So Chrissy can cuck. Cam, Alex Barclay,

Chrissy Daddy issues, Joshua Williams, tucked away in the gym corner, Nick the stick, sits in the chaise shirt, towel on head, silently tracking the reps of strangers. Okay, okay.

You're more of a poet. Yeah. Joe Legro, this vitamin water tastes like shit. An old school one. Oh. Right, because I had my shit in the vitamin water, yeah.

You're a disturbed kid. I was disturbed kid. You're a tilted bird. Yeah, that was like 2002, 2003. You got a dusty chimney. Yeah, I went to Catholic school, disguised as Santa Claus so I could chimney sweep sister Meredith. Okay. Okay.

Married my muzzy, cousin, for her fuzzy muzzy. For her fuzzy wassy, sorry. Kimberly Kitty, Zachary Reed, Cash Patel's Mossad handler. Very funny. Pick a finger. Make no mistake. Noah Kiniga is real. Okay, they got you.

But no, but that's a real guy. Noah K-N-I-G-A. That's a real, I think he's a basketball player. What's his name? Noah Kiniga. that's his name. That's his right. I'm telling you, it's a real guy.

So, so he, he outsmarted the walked into one. Yeah. This guy. K-N-I-G-N-K-N-K-N-I-G-G-A. It's a real player. Look. Well, I'm going to call him Noah. He's a football player.

I'm going to call him Noah person to color. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Right? Isn't that real? Noah Kinniga. That's a tough one.

Coalio hyena. If I feel lonely, I go to my local bowling place To finger some tight holes Okay Put them on the list Yep, Nick wrote that one Yeah Put them on the list

Call me Amontichiger The Way I'm bug chasing Okay Way song Taco man Luis AOC AOC please slam my nuts In a door

You sexy whore Drexler for the funny Galane found Jeff The Best VPN girls Carnal Home Solutions Undscore serving Connecticut Okay, screw it in Kids got a business

Exit 9A Nap Street masturbation crew It's a Brooklyn kid Sheepshead Bay Kid Turbulin chicken Georgia O'Keefe Candido So cute I look skinny but I'm not Okay

Okay All right We got plenty We got plenty Okay so here we go Great list For a recap Okay

Shout out Noah Kinigah Yep They call me rattlesnake Because I put coins up my ass Steve Harvey Oswald Pined But my chimney's clean eyes glued shut

Cache Patel is the only one who can look yani directly in the eyes The roofs leak in mustard gas It's all acquired on the frontal lobe And then we got If I feel lonely I go to my local bowling place To finger some tight holes Also a good one okay I know where we're starting So where are we starting?

The first two are getting Drexler that you read So the Rattlesnake Rattlesnake coins up my ass And Steve Harvey Oswald are out Yeah any other day But pseudopine But my chimney's clean is still in No, we're going to, we're going to Drexer that.

Okay, so that's out. All right. So that's out. So now it's coming down to, if I feel lonely, I go to my local bowling place to finger some tight holes. Yes. That's still in? That's still in. That's still in.

Cash Patel is the only one who can look Yanni directly in the eyes. And that's still in. The roof's leaking mustard gas. It's all quiet on the frontal lobe. That is such a good one. But it's got to be out if you hesitated. Yeah. Okay, so the three that we're in between is if I feel lonely, I go to my local bowling place to finger some tight holes.

eyes glued shut or Cash Patel is the only one who can look Yanni directly in the eye. I hate to do this because it's so good, but I'm going to Drexler of the bowling ball. Right. Any other day you would have won. This is how it works. You're just on the list with two funnier ones. It's not anyone's fault. Now, timing is everything.

So it is between eyes glued shut and Cash Patel is the only one who can look Yanni directly in the eyes. Jesse, what do you got? Where do you stand? I'm leaning towards eyes glued shut. I just like it. It's a funny visual. I like what it is. It's a chicken finger.

The chicken fingers clean. It's a playoff. Nick, what do you think, Nick? Yeah, eyes glued shut. Eyes glued shut. But Cash Patel. But Cash Patel, yeah. There will never be a funnier Yanis

Monaco joked in that. That's where I'm leaning towards, I was leaning towards that too because the Yani one-eye jokes are kind of like, you know, like, you know, they're like a hack joke.

They're like Father Bill three-dollar bill jokes, but this is a great one. But eyes glued shut has been there since 2018 for the taking and nobody took it, this kid. And it's just a

boom, boom, boom. Because I would vote for Cash Patel. But it looks like there's three on one here. Well, actually, so here, there's two. I'm going Cash Patel. You're the deciding. Yes, yeah. It comes down to what Chris. There's already too much pressure on me in my personal life. It comes down to really what you say. I mean, it's a

tough one. It's one of those things where people... There won't be a better Yonni joke than that. No. Because it's visual. He's saying, you know, it's... You got to think about it a second. See, I disagree. I think we've had some great Yanni eye jokes. Like that. The one where you save 50% on scuba gear.

That's better. That one's better. Yeah. It's like a minion. Or tighter between the border between Yanni's eyes? Yes. We've never had anything that eyes glued shut. No.

And it's eyes wide. It's a movie. It's, you know, been in the news with the Epstein stuff. And it's glue. We talk about glue. It's very specific. But Cash Patel, irrelevant. Right.

Right, right, right. You know, listen, man, sometimes I've got to make hard choices. You got to make hard choices. It's what it is because I've had to make the hard choice to sell my house. I just think that we're going to have to go with eyes glued shut as the one. Wow, it's the winner. Eyes glued shut. Another chicken finger gets in.

Go to HistoryHahenas is back.com. Eyes glued shut. You are the winner. See the name up in lights. And we're going to continue this episode and so much more stuff at patreon.com slash history hyenas. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared.

That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder any time. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada.