History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - Matt Rife is for The Table

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

The boys had stand-up comedian Matt Rife on today and tried to crack him open and clean him out. They teach him about religion, China, eunichs and why social media is bad, bad, bad. Enjoy this episode and move your monkey to Matt Rife, aka Matty Teeth Tits. Yannis Papas & Chris Distefano are the History Hyenas. Support our Sponsors: BlueChew wants men rock hard. To receive your first month FREE. Visit https://bluechew.com Mando. New customers get $5 off a Starter Pack when you use code HYENAS at https://shopmando.com Don’t let the meat sweats get you this holiday season. Your family and friends will thank you. #comedy #Podcast #History Join our Patreon at 👇 https://www.patreon.com/historyhyenas/ Subscribe to the poddy woddy Our YouTube!: https://bit.ly/2ARdDOz HH Clips:https://bit.ly/2YaK2Z8 iTunes: https://apple.co/2UQTHCc Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fxtsc0 Hyenas Merch!!! https://teespring.com/stores/historyhyenas Follow us Cuz! 🙆🏻‍♂️ Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ 🙆🏼‍♂️ Chris Distefano Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website - https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ 🐕More Hyenas Website: www.historyhyenasisback.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/historyhyenas/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HistoryHyenas Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/historyhyenaspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Babes, listen to me. Go to ChristieComedy.com December 14th and 15th. I'm in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live, one of the best clubs in the country. Tickets are almost sold out, so please get the tickets right now. And then December 28th to the 31st, I am at the Dania Beach Improv.

I will be there celebrating New Year's Eve. I get there December 28th. All those shows selling well. So go to ChristieComedy.com, get the Tiki Wikis. And then February 14th and 15th, I am at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco bring you Valentine date guy dog Whatever you want. I'll kiss everyone on the front row on the lips So if you get those front row tickets, you are getting kissed on the lips Christie comedy comm for Tiki wikis

Guys come see me on the road. I am in Milwaukee December 6th and 7th. I am in Bridgeport, Connecticut, December 13th and the 14th. I am in Austin, Texas, December 20th through the 22nd. Then I'll be in Rochester, January 16th and 17th, 18th. Washington, DC, January 24th and 5th. Tempe, Arizona, February, Chicago, February, Philadelphia, February and Springfield, Missouri, March and San Diego in March and Cleveland, Ohio in April.

So get your tickets at Yanis Papas comedy.com. Also history hy-he-nas go to our Patreon, patreon.com slash history hyenas. Go to our Patreon, patreon another episode of History Hyenas. We got Chris DiStefano aka Chrissy Klapst with Yanni Sundowns, Yanni Pappas, and then we have Resident Hadi. First time we've had a guest on History Hyenas. This is the kind of guy that we've said that when you're masturbating and he pops it to my head, I don't push him out right away.

I do push him out eventually, but we just let him in for a few seconds and he's got a rockin' heart body, an RHB, and he's got blonde hair, and I don't know if I'm looking at just a Hadi right now or a woman from the future future but I love him. It's Matt Rife everybody. Matt Rife. What's up man? Do I go headphones on? You can go either or. You can do whatever you want. White men are back. I'm going to go now. Yeah. Oh we're back? Yeah. We saw the election two weeks ago so you can do whatever you want.

So it was big that you voted for Trump. I don't vote. We just want, we have a live camera on your PR person just because of crazy stuff but we figured we could just come in and kind of have an easy 45 minutes with you because we'll just look at you. What's the timer? Yes. Perfect. That's what it is. The whole episode will be... By the way let me tell you something a lot of people okay don't know you for as long as we've known you. You know I've just the first time I mean we've never met in person. Yeah I DM them once and we had a nice little exchange but I've never actually met him in person. Wow, you've never met? We're different generations. Yeah I mean I'm 69 years old. Yeah. Yeah I'm an old kid. Yeah. Oh yeah no. I could be his young dad. Oh

yeah. Yeah and if you were Puerto Rican you could be his dad. How old are you actually? 48. My mom's 49. Wow. She's single? You could be your mom, dude. I could put the wig on and be his other mom. Yeah. Now, Matt, you're tired. You only have an hour's sleep. What were you doing last night? Thanks for squeezing us in because you're doing a Drew Barrymore after this. We're the Drew Barrymore podcast. That's what they say. I can't wait to watch Drew Barrymore fall on the floor today. She's going to take her socks and shoes off and crawl on the couch. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to stop it. I've been owing you a podcast episode for a long time. So I just couldn't sleep last night. I'm just a bad sleeper. I'm terrible at it. Why? Just anything from slightly physically uncomfortable. Can't sleep and my brain just never

turns off. And you don't take anything right now. You don't take anything. I take a ton of meds. A ton and they don't work. Yeah. Really? Just sleep through them. I mean, what could we, what have you tried? Oregano pills? Yeah. Oregano pills. Yes. Chris's friend. I got a friend, Paulie Gassy. Shout out Paulie Gassy. He says to cure for everything's oregano pills during the pandemic. He was saying you don't need the vaccine. Just take these oregano pills. And he would train me while we were boxing. He's a boxing instructor. He would train me while he was eating tortellini alfredo that his mother made who he lived with. But oregano pills. Listen, you're for Italian. He's jacked and he's the most ripped guy you've ever seen. He's like ripped like you and he just works out. He does push-up sit-ups and oregano pills. Give it a try.

I mean, if everything else isn't working, just try it. Push-up sit-ups and oregano pills. I'm not going to do a prison pharmacy, dude I'm telling you dude Paul know what that fixes his sleep listen placebo effect is huge Yes, I do so if you believe in that I mean you ever notice when they do these trials like and they give the placebo pill to like the placebo group like 80% of them get better, so if you just believe in the oregano pills hopes and prayers it may work Yeah, it's something to it. I've decided to believe in God just be for the placebo effect I'm just going I believe it and I'm happier. Yeah, it does it

Reality perception is reality and reality is a suggestion. Yeah stay here. So you make your reality Jim Carey Jim Carrey? Who are you? I wish. Yeah. No, but hang on. Now here's the thing. I love that he got all loosey goosey after he made his 80 mil. He's like, you know, it's not worth it. Yeah. I'd love to see if he had a hundred thousand in the bank. If he was like, you know what? This is all bullshit. He was driving a Subaru. I'm like, God, isn't real. It's not real. I'm not real. Nothing's real. Let's meditate. So what's very pleasurable. What's very good for you, Matt, is because you could have been born in any era. You could have been born in any era,

and we're happy that you were born during this time, because we talk a lot about history, because if you were born, unfortunately, if you were born, say, in Alexander the Great's time, you would have the same level of the talent that you have and the looks that you have. What Alexander the Great would have done is he would have taken you,

what Alexander the Great liked to do, and people at that time liked to do is take very handsome boys, very talented boys like you, and they like to cut their nuts off and make them eunuchs. And what you would do is you would be this nutless, beautiful boy who would be in charge of Alexander the Great's harem of basically his women that he would have.

And that would be, so it's very beautiful that you're born now So you can just be talented and free because if in history you'd have your nuts clipped and you'd be running a harem So you cut your nuts off and then makes you in charge of the hot women he gets to have sex right? The thought the theory occasionally he would have sex with you as well. I mean, that's the What did he look like Alexander the great supposedly is a handsome kid was a cute kid. Yeah, suppose a cute kid Yes, do we have monitors? We don't have any well, I know there's the part you left out. What did he look like? Alexander the Great? Supposedly he's a handsome kid. He was a cute kid. Yeah, supposedly. He was a cute kid. Do we have monitors?

Can we pull that out? We don't have any monitors. Well, I mean there's no real, I mean. We only know from Plutarch what he looked like and supposedly he had nice hair, he had like locks, and he was a built kid. And he was a built kid. He was a built kid. And he kind of just did whatever, what eunuchs would do back then is because their thought

was if we cut your nuts off, then your desire for sex goes away. And so we could say, and then here's the thing, and listen, it's not all the way wrong if you just kind of put yourself there. They would say, we can trust you now to watch the women. You're not going to want to have sex with them. You're not going to want to take my throne because you're not motivated. And then also just a little plus, you don't have nuts.

You're technically not a guy, but you are beautiful beautiful so I can bang you when it's not gay yeah part of it was to just keep the masculine traits from forming to keep you sort of a pseudo woman yeah yeah like a pseudo progressive yes is what it is it was actually progressive when you think about it even you guys know this yeah because we're history cuties but when did you read this specific Oh eunuchs are big in history the human brain is wild and what people do with power, eunuchs was on the table. So eunuchs were for the table. Women were.

You know when you go to a piece of- Explain to him what for the table means and why Matt Ryfus for the table. Yeah, Matt Ryfus for the table. And Kyle, the clip cowboy over here, he is a eunuch. Totally. Yeah. Yeah, he is a eunuch.

He is a eunuch. But him and I have spoken about that. He's a southern eunuch. He got his nuts clipped. He's from the deep south. He got his nuts clipped because his down throat was a fucking warthog. Yeah, they call him runner. He was running around the woods and they clipped his nuts and now he just does the video stuff because he's fucking got, you know? But he's a beautiful man and I have had sex with him.

So eunuchs were in every civilization. They just, yeah, they created... But tell them what for the table is. For the table means a little bit for everybody. For the guys, the girls, yeah, you got your pizza menu, you know, on the one side you got your pizzas, on the other side you got your dishes, you know. So the pizzas were really like the women. You marry the pizza, but then the other side you got things for the table. That's for everybody.

For everybody. For the gays, for the straights, for the... Just... For the table. just you're for the table for every table Me you know like we order something you order an appetizer You say this is for the table this everyone take a little piece It's a little piece so you're for the you're for the times you would be the definition of a guy you're for the table Alexander the Great would say I love this kid. He's for the table love him Yeah, well he's got to be is for the table because he's gonna make myself and my soldiers happy

Yeah, so we're gonna want us we're gonna we're gonna he's gonna make us laugh before battle and then we're gonna want to then we're Gonna take you when I have sex with them this is this merch this made this merch No, no, but he's fucking screwed in he screwed. He's a kid. I would wear this shirt for the table Yeah, boom table. Yeah for the table. Okay, that's what we're gonna make merch Yeah, see Matt. No percent of the time. Yeah fine. Yeah, great of purposes. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, sure. We the table. Okay, that's where we're gonna make merch. See, Matt knows. 10% off the top is fine. Creative purposes. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, sure, we'll give you whatever you want. I don't need to. I wanna get back to this eunuch situation. Was it like, um...

Was it purely for control and power, or was there like a spiritual purpose to it as well? Like, did they... I think it depends on who was banging the eunuch. I think Alexander the Great was the type of guy who loved his eunuch. Was it purely sexual, the eunuch situation? Like, the whole job title of eunuch? Is it purely sexual? They served multi-functions, but a big part of it was was... No, but the second biggest part was to... they would trust... they believed back then, which again they're not wrong, that they believed that men could not be trusted because of their desire for lust and sex,

but the only way you could trust a man is if you clipped his nuts on her. And you could obviously never trust a woman. A lot of these- They thought that- Of the wizard witches, of course. Can't do that. Smaller brains too.

Yeah. But yeah, a lot of- That's just a fact. That's just a fact. They've got WNBA sized balls, the smaller hands, smaller brains. Their brains are 28.5 ounces. That's what it is. Ours are bigger. Yeah, just same size as WNBA ball. Here's the thing. A lot of Unix did rise to prominent

positions to be like advisors to the emperors and stuff like that. In Eastern cultures, especially. Wei Zhongxing was, he's a famous Unix on our podcast. He was like a top advisor to one of the eight, the Chinese emperors. Wei Xianqian. When anytime we say something out of the box crazy, we have a sound effect that goes Wei Xianqian. And why we started saying that was years ago, we found, came up with this famous, we found this famous eunuch from China and his name is Wei Xianqian. And, um, so we just use it as a sound effect. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Uh, any sense. But that's why we do it. I don't know if we have the sound board. We don't have it.

This is not our normal studio. This isn't the normal one. Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. But we weren't going to ask you to come in. We figured your PR team was not going to. Respectfully pass. Put that in. Yeah.

So what's your favorite part of history? Oh, man. I don't know if I have one specific spot. You're from Ohio, right? I am. I told you ChatGBT was correct. See, because we weren't sure. ChatGBT told you I'm from Ohio?

We are the ChatGBT slots. We used to be the Wikipedia slots. Now we're the ChatGBT slots. I've never used it. ChatGBT? Just type stuff into it. That's all it is. Yeah, Chris didn't believe you were from there.

I didn't believe you were from Ohio. Where are you from? I didn't know. I did not. You did say Beijing and I said that's not true. I said Beijing. I didn't know because I said because you've gotten yourself. I said because what I was saying before and again we're just you've gotten so huge and and specifically on TikTok I said if you get that big and you're controlling that many minds China may have gotten to you and if they got to you I would I would not be I would be like hey I would be in the same position but then I said you can't trust

anything chat GBT saying because at this point chat GPT which is also owned by the Chinese we were thinking they could be telling us anything and I don't know what to believe so yours your Chinese your I mean what is in Chinese these days yeah it's all Chinese right cash offers okay who would you who would rather join China or the Illumin, China or the Illuminati? China or the Illuminati. Let's see who's got better amenities. I would say China, because I want to get my feet bound.

Yeah. I want somebody to tie up my feet. I think. Yeah, it's funny to just look over. I've been glancing over a little bit at your PR lady, and she just has her head down. Yeah. So it's what it is. So it might have been flancing over a little bit your p r l a she just has her head down yeah so it's what it is so this episode will probably be all heard at page rod dot com slash history i a n a because

we're gonna get a cease and desist from that right uh... uh... yeah i'm going to try these trying to know what Chinese i i i for the future i know for the future right yet they're taking over i want to be a winning team psych asking athlete if he wants to go to a contender run i'm going to contender i wanna win a champion also would be nice to be on the right side of the virus for once that would be nice that would be nice to

send it out i was saying that we're not receiving yeah that's that'd be good it'd be good to be a top in that situation yeah yeah what about you would you go to the nati or chinese first of all are they gonna let you out of the illuminati I would love to be yeah yeah anybody if anybody's offering if anybody's listening this right now would love to be you know I posted is on same people are I posted a photo from a photo shoot with just like my hand on my face like this or in the entire internet was like oh that's the official sign of joining illuminati he's it everybody knows that's a official sign of joining the Illuminati. He's in.

Everybody knows that's the sign. He joined the Illuminati. He's in it for sure. Diddy's been inside of him. He's been inside of Diddy. All of it. Just because I accidentally put my hand on my face for a photo. I know it's so funny when the whole Diddy stuff was happening.

One of my boys, like I have a big group chat with all my boys. One of my boys was like, yo ask Matt Reif how the parties are. I was like, I was like, I genuinely, I was like I can almost confirm that he's never been to a Diddy party. It's awfully upsetting I've never been invited. They sound like a really good time. Yeah, I was like, that's what I thought too. I was like, I would have loved to been invited because people are like, oh, would you go to a Diddy party knowing everything? It's like, yeah. Hello. What? Yeah. Why? Why would I feel like that? You just leave at a certain hour. You just got to know when to leave. Yeah. You got to know when to leave. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, we went as,

just posted this, we went as a Diddy party for Halloween in Liverpool. And let me tell you, everybody got it. Oh, look at that. Perfect. And McQueen went as P. Diddy in this gigantic white coat. Oh my god. We carried around, it was like eight tubs of baby oil the entire night.

That's amazing. Did anyone paint blood on their asshole? It's so funny you say that. Did I not pitch that? And nobody else was on board. They're like, that'll be the thing. Come on our show more. We have fun in here.

I love it. That would be the icing on the cake. That being said, I think I would go Illuminati just for, I think that has more benefits. Yeah. I mean, if you want to go to games, if you want to attend concerts, they're like the Live Nation. I probably shouldn't say that.

I work with Live Nation. But they know. They know. They're eating baby heads right now, they know. Yeah, you definitely get the entertainment perks are probably better. Yeah, the entertainment. You're gonna have more fun, the parties have got to be better. But what happens when China buys the Illuminati? That's when I'm going to be in a position of privilege. The Aruminati. The Aruminati. Aruminati. The Aruminati. That's a pet. That's what keeping it a clipping. And canceled. Yeah. I mean, you're too big to get canceled now. That's, that's what's good. That's what's good about all our- It's not a big deal. Look, when they speak in a second language, they do struggle with the L. Oh, of course. Yeah. They struggle

with the L. It's a good point. It's certain languages- My name was Matt Life before I joined TikTok. There you go. Yeah. Which is a good name. Yeah. Matt Life. When he tours in Asia, he'll be like, welcome to the stadium. Matt Life. I'll be passing by a giant stadium and I'll go, this is his stadium. Matt Life. Matt Life Stadium. Have you guys performed in Asia? No.

I typically don't go behind him. He can't even eat in front of him. Yeah. I'm just kidding. No, I do. I have never. I don't perform in Asia, but I've seen Ronnie Chang's stand up. That's enough. Yeah, that's enough. Have you performed in any non-English speaking first countries?

Yeah, I've performed in the Bronx. Yeah, I don't know. I do a little character called Maurice I've done a few English as a second language shows as well. Oh my god. Yeah. What's Norway? We did Norway. You've been to a lot.

I've been a lot. You've been around. Where was the hardest language barrier? Well Scandinavian countries they all speak great English. You've probably been there. Yeah so it's like. Matt's got a Scandinavian look. Yeah he does.

Scandinavian? Right now. Scandinavian kid. A Danish. Yeah. I would love to be part of Viking. You do, you look like it. What is your ethnic background? Um, Italian and German. So you're like an American, Mott kind of thing. He's a German. He's German. He's a little bit. He's one of us. Those shows were very fun. Have you done Germany yet? Yeah. No, oh, well we've been to Germany, but we didn't do stand-up there. Oh dude, it's awesome. What was great about it? They know they fucked up. That's kind of the best part. So you can kind of go in on whatever they want. They're like, yeah, oh, well, we've been to Germany, but we didn't do stand-up. Oh, dude. It's awesome. What was great about it They know they fucked up. That's kind of the best part So you can kind of go in on whatever they want like yeah We were actually pitching the idea because we said, you know If dinosaurs are gonna come back and Yannis is confirmed that you can clone people there's people that can be cloned Oh sure they cloned Hitler have Hitler come back make him the same kind of guy

Vengeful on a warpath, but you make him a super Jew and he kills Germans. Right, you just, because he kind of looked it, he had the look, you just kind of raise him in Israel and just take all that hate and turn it on the Germans. On the Germans, he says the Germans are stealing the jobs, he gets to, he starts killing the Germans, and then you have an even Steven is what we call it. But here's the thing, like Matt's saying, Germany is like the safest place for Jews now. They're like, they know they fucked up, Well, maybe I'm wrong. Did you meet some Nazis when you were there? I asked, I did like 15 minutes on World War II jokes at the end of hours. Like, is anybody Jewish here? No, nothing. Yeah, not really. One

Jewish person was either one of our shows. If I was Jewish, I wouldn't move. Yeah, even though they'd be like, no, but things are different now. It's so nice now. I would still say, yeah, but I don't know if I want to go anywhere. Trust us. You can trust us. We have, yeah, we took down all the statues. Everything's fine. It's a museum now. It's not even the oven anymore. It's a museum.

Wait, I'm hanging on one thing you said only because we're going to talk about history and conspiracy a little bit. Oh, yes, we are. You mentioned dinosaurs. Are you guys up on the dinosaur conspiracies? Tell us. Oh, okay. Well, we do, we confirmed last week that dinosaurs. Are you guys up on the dinosaur conspiracies? Tell us. Well, we do.

We confirmed last week that fossil fuels was made up by John D. Rockefeller, who's from your home state. Is he? John D. Rockefeller's from Ohio. We did confirm that fossil fuels are not real, that that's government conspiracy. John D. Rockefeller made that up. Oil is not made from dinosaur bones,

that it's just an oil conspiracy. You've been hanging out with Tim Dillon for way too much. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's actually true that oil is mostly like sea algae and like sea life. That's why they find most of it in water.

There's very little like on land organic matter. Listen, I'm fully on board with this. Yeah. Because the next day after I heard this, I was in Washington DC, and I loved going to all the museums, especially the dinosaur ones. I wanted to see the cool ship. I'd heard, first and foremost, very cool fun fact, dinosaur bones weren't discovered until years after George

Washington died, so he never even knew they were a thing. Fun fact. A theory is that, have you heard the theory that dinosaurs never existed? No, I've heard that from a few of my Christian friends, yeah. Yeah, perfect. I've heard that in a few elections, I've heard that, yes. Yeah, there's a few people who do believe that. Yeah. The theory kind of backs it up. They said when you go to a museum There's never actually any dinosaur bones there think about any exhibit you've ever seen It's always like cast moldings of them like construction within the lot construct in the lobbies and everything Yeah, there's never actually any bones there. So sure enough. I was like, well, there's a it's the Museum of Natural History in DC

Let me go check it out It's all cast moldings. The only fossils that are ever actually there are the ones that are like embedded in fully rocks like plants, the little crustacean things, spinny looking things. There's never any actual dinosaur bones there. Didn't see one the whole time I was there. You're basically making a case for Christ. You are. I tried to. I got baptized in August. You got baptized in August Catholic. Yeah, just Christian just Christian Yeah, you're gonna keep that butthole say baptized. Yeah, what on your head and everything? Yeah in a dude's pool

Wow, that's the way to do it. Yeah. Yeah, wait, was it official or was like a drunk thing where you like that? Wait a second what convinced that's fascinating to me. What convinced you to get baptized? The book, The Case for Christ? You know, not to get super sad, but like when my... I've never been a super religious person, but when my grandpa passed away, something hit me that I was like, I'll never not see this person again. So something has to exist. And I guess I skew Christians, so I started to go to church a little bit more. I hate church. I find it excruciatingly boring. I mean, they need new material.

That's the thing, the guy's doing the same act. It's like, I've heard this act. You can't go on the road with the same act. You got to write a new hour. Yeah, we know that. That's what it is. You're like, guy, write a little bit. Same shit.

It's like, listen to Jerry Seinfeld. They're using chat GBT to write their sermons. Yeah, it's getting lazier. Yeah, it's getting lazy. But I want to believe in God, and it's obviously a huge part of the process. He believes in you He does believe in you. Oh, I know so yeah, he believes in you. Yeah Yeah, he believes in you. Yeah, I wanted to believe in it I wanted I knew that's a big part of like converting to Christianity and like established from Islam church

to Christianity and like establish from Islam church. Yeah. Yes. Wow. You made the switch. We're happy to have you because the crusades coming and we're going to need your PR fucking platform. Yeah. We got to take Chrissy's old house in Staten Island back.

Yeah. We're taking on my old house. Because Muzzy's bought it. Yeah. Yeah. What happened to your house? I sold it. I sold it because I couldn't walk to a bagel store.

And then the Caliphate bought it. Yeah. And then some, yeah, some people bought it and my neighborhood got a little mad at me. But I moved to Queens, but I am trying to move back to Staten Island just because the way the world's going, I'd like to be over a bridge. I'd like for there to be, I'm just going to say it, I'd like to be in a place that nobody's really protesting. Nobody's taking the protest over Bridget.

Are there a ton of protests in Manhattan? New York City. I mean, yeah, it's a lot, it's a little, I'm done sitting in traffic, I'd like to just go, you know. He's on the ice right now, he's skating around what he wants to say. He's Scott Hamilton, you skate, but he wants to say, well I'll answer for him, he wants to be in a Republican neighborhood. That's what it is! I got to that level, I just, you know, I got kids and I'm just, I'm curious. I'll answer for you. What's to be in a Republican neighborhood? I got to that level. I just you know, I got kids and I'm just I don't he says I'm 40. I'm white I deserve it. Yeah, it's what it is. I respect the level of people

I just I just don't need my fucking three-year-old getting the fucking story read to them by transgender Not that there's anything wrong with that There's anything wrong with it. I got to change other person in my family. I just don't. It's just got, we've got to the point where I just, you know, having kids, I just like to go back in time a little bit and just kind of keep them in a place where it's like, you know, there's boys and there's girls and there's Jesus. And that's what, and those are the three people you need to know.

And that's what it is. And we just, and then when you get older, you make the decision. I'm not going to keep it from nothing. You make the decision. But just for now, while I'm raising you here, I would just like you to be on Staten Island. That's the last thing, because you know, I don't need. It's the Italian Alamo.

No, because the other day, yeah, my, you know. The Italian Alamo. Yeah, they all moved from Brooklyn, and like they went to Long Island, and Staten Island, they're just holding it. It's the Italian Alamo. Yeah, it's what it is. My stepson's got a friend,

and the guy looks like Rachel Maddow, and that's a problem. The guy looks like Rachel Maddow. The kid looks like Rachel Maddow, so I said, you know guy looks like Rachel Maddow. The kid looks like Rachel Maddow so I said you know what man maybe it's time we just move a little bit just move a little bit. Listen I'm not going all in I'm not going crazy I just like to be over a bridge I'd like to just be in a place where you have an American flag outside your house and it's okay and it's okay and that's all and I just we're proud to be

Americans and that's all I'll say. Yeah. Now you probably get- Don't tell Drew Barrymore what I said. Yeah, don't. I'm trying to get an entire story. You probably get a lot of both coming to your shows. Everybody. Left and right. It's pretty mixed. Matt's for the table. It's fantastic.

He's for the table, dude. He's for the table. Matt's for the table. Everybody loves Matt. That's not true. That's absolutely not true. I mean, you don't look at the comments. Do you look at the comments? I try not to.

Yon, say something very powerful for me you're gonna love this actually this is actually you might be the definition of the kid who needs to hear this because who's you know not many people are bigger than you up there what what he said to me and it's fundamentally changing it's true the posting of the content is for us the comments and the likes and the views is for them so the likes and the views the for them. So the likes and the views, the reason why that upsets us, because that's not for us. That's not for us.

What's for us on our side is the posting of the content that you're proud of. And then you leave it alone. Then you leave it alone. The comments and the views, that's for everybody else. That's for your agent, your PR, the fans, no, but that's not for you. Can you imagine, can you imagine if Seinfeld,

the show was on the internet and people could comment on it that classic and that good a show Imagine the hate comments that would be under there. They'd be saying all the sets socks and all this shit Most a lot of the reason how to what Kramer be saying. Yeah Imagine what they'd be asking Kramer killing it on Twitter. Yeah They'd be bringing up Seinfeld's old girlfriend They'd be comment I mean and you can you imagine Seinfeld's old girlfriend, they'd be commenting. It'd be bad. And can you imagine Seinfeld reading the comments and then getting all stressed out and going to write the show, Larry David saying, these fans saying that. Well, you don't even know

what their motivation is. A lot of it is just for attention. It's to communicate with other fans. It's not our business. Very good point. It's not a neighborhood we should be in. It's for them. Right. It's for them. It's like a bathroom wall where they just put things, it's just for them. It's for them. Such a good point. And for us, for us in it's for them right now it's like a bathroom wall where they just put things it's just for them it's for them yes such a good for us for us is you're for the table the comment sections for them the postings for us postings for you you do it from the safe give your own home in Staten Island and

you just post yeah and everything else is unsafe and then all the fans what I did do you have social media on your phone yeah he took Instagram off and put Grindr on in its place it was was already on Actually, I did it made his way to the home. I have Grindr on I do but what I actually did and this is another This is another Yanni another Yanni Yas as we call Yanni Yas when he gives good advice is I took the I still have the Instagram a guy runs it but I took it off my phone because I was I was getting Unhappy constantly checking it and I removed it from my phone and in the place. I put this app that he Recommended called elevate and the other one's called Inspire and it's a learning app. Like you're playing all these fun games.

Even my daughter, my oldest daughter is nine, you know she would want to go on the iPad and the phone and you let her be a part of technology, whatever, playing Roblox, whatever. But now she plays these games with me, this Elevate and Inspire, because they have like one game like the Rocket, you know like that Rocket one where it's like you have to like match different words, but you're learning. It's like all like advanced levels and it's playing these games.

And I find myself, if I'm going to be on the phone and sucked into an app for an hour, it's this learning app. And you're coming out, learning all this stuff. And social media is still a part of our life as it has to be, but I don't, I send the content to a guy and he posts it. That's so smart. So because I'm like, remove, you know, remove yourself because it just decreases your happiness.

Absolutely. Social media is a can't, I mean, obviously all of us have done well off it, but it's social media, it's a cancer that if, of your, of your happiness, that's what it is. Yeah, what's your view on it? Because you got big on social media, but also you get a lot of trolls on social media, I'm sure. Yeah, overall, I think it does way more bad than it does good. Like you obviously can capitalize on the reach of it which is awesome. Which is what you did. You can be

the funniest person in the world but if nobody ever sees your stuff how would anybody know that? So obviously the reach is incredibly important and world changing. I mean I find it's way more negative than it's positive. You can't be on social media more than 10 minutes and not get upset at something. Whether it's directed at you or not, or somebody else saying something you disagree with, it's negative almost immediately. Try the app.

Try this Elevate and Inspire app, or whatever app. I don't play any games on my phone. Try to just replace the app I am. Try to just replace the app. Try to just replace the app. What is this symbol, by the way? Illuminati. Yeah, look, Giannis has got the chain on.

Yeah, there it is. Right there. I'm in it. Now they're going to think we're both the Illuminati. You never, Giannis has got the chain on. Yeah there it is right there. I'm in it. Now they're gonna think we're both in the Illuminati. It's just, you never seen like the wireless chargers? Oh that's what it is? Yeah and then the charger connects to the back of the phone. What app do you play? What do you play on when you go on your phone other than social media what do you use? Nothing. Just social media. If I'm not on social media I'm not really on my phone or texting. Well can you put a time limit on for social media? Can you do five minutes

a day? Is it possible? You can set it and then but here's the thing it comes up it says do you want to ignore ignore for 15 minutes or ignore all day and you almost always press ignore all day. Damn it. I know. How are we gonna get the kid off it? I don't want to lose Matt. It's also difficult because it is so much part of our career. We have to be social media marketers not just medians anymore. Right. So like and there's so many things that play into that. Interactiveness is one of them, like communicating back and forth with fans, upping the activity on each post, liking people's comments, commenting back and forth with them, creating-

But do you have to be the guy that does that? Can't you just have a- Can't you just have, get a eunuch. Yeah, get a eunuch. Yeah, I probably should. But it's one of those things that I don't know if it would get a eunuch. Yeah, get a eunuch. Yeah. I probably should. But it's one of those things that I don't know if it would be done the right way. Can you trust somebody to do it exactly the way

you would do it? Yeah, but. But see, that's what the social media sites do is they want to keep you on there for as long as possible. So they make that part of the algorithm that you've got to engage. It's brain gambling. Oh, absolutely.

Wear the product. And it's impossibly inconsistent as well. You can think you have it down to a science. TikTok is a perfect example. Like, we figured out the science. TikTok is a perfect example. We figured out the science of TikTok, and that's obviously what changed my entire life. But the app is so ever-changing.

It's a horrendous business model. I've met with a couple of people, phone calls or Zooms, with people at TikTok. The president of China, what's his name? Xi Jinping. Hello, Matt Rife. Hello, Saman Lai. So we really like what you're doing.

Yeah. I knew I was setting myself up immediately. Yeah. And they talked about how the algorithm on there is ever changing. Like, let's think of the specific example they gave. It was, so, okay, for example, when you know, say you have a million followers on TikTok, right? When somebody, when you follow somebody on TikTok, you are not even 1% more likely to see their content anymore. Like following somebody on TikTok does absolutely nothing.

Wow. It's all algorithm based. Yeah. And it's all trend based algorithm. You know, you see the dances or whatever people are dressing and doing a weird, stupid, robotic, sheep-like thing. Sure. Just brainless. And they push out a new one almost every week.

Which I also have a fun conspiracy about that. I think that's AI. I bet you. Okay, you know what, like, within like 10, 15, 20 years ago, somebody comes up with a dance, right? Let's call it the Dougie, right? Everybody knows who made that dance.

Everybody knows that person's world famous, that group is world famous for a year at least. Right. There's a new dance or a new trend on TikTok every single week. Nobody knows who starts them. Right. That's a new dance or a new trend on TikTok every single week. Nobody knows who starts them. Right. That's a bit strange.

Right. Weird. Somebody's behind them. So is the key then for TikTok not to follow us is to get on the Fubu page? Yeah, absolutely. That's entirely it. And stand up is no longer a push thing on there.

They should have told me. They're like, oh, we don't push stand up at all on our platform. So what? We're interested. Oh, so they're done with that. What's the new thing then? What are they pushing now?

Whatever the new week. I think the new hot content is uh... palestinian israeli war footage it's here this year what is on the line if i saw palestinian israeli war footage walking on the street i'd ask for an autograph so what so i think that's the new shit so that's the thing to do so what you have to throw up so what i'll do is you throw up you got to go there and fighting the war what are you going to do that and so here's what you do then and that makes you a star you put up the Israeli the Israeli

No, put up the Palestinian Israeli war footage. Yeah, put that on and then at the end you roll your dates down Then you roll your date right over and come see me in Phoenix. Yes, Miami. Yes, bang That's just the audio over like the roblox. That's what it is. That's what it is You got to do dude. That's what it is and then and, and then, yeah but, but let me ask you this. If social media went away tomorrow, would you care? I'd be so happy. Right? If it went away for everybody, I'd be so happy.

Isn't that insane? We all feel the same way and we, you had a huge career off it but we all feel like if you took it away tomorrow. All of our careers are due to social media for the most part. Everybody. Yeah, yeah. I mean I didn't get anything from my Fusion show. The different.

My AOL sports show that did nothing. I threw a wig on and I fucking went viral. That's the only thing that's happened. It's fantastic for exactly that. Anything can pop off and help you. But then the difference is we actually do something live and people have succeeded in our field for decades, centuries before us doing this. There's still an avenue for us to be successful without it. Right. I think it was just, it goes back to being a little bit harder, but more organic and healthier.

Right. Right. I think it's so unhealthy. I'm worried about your generation, and I'm glad you're on the show, because I could say this, because social media, you guys grew up with it, you don't know anything different. I got the tail end of it. I think social media tall is about

1415 I want to say I want how old do you know 29? Yeah me so you It's not crazy I'm almost too old for you. That's great. I know almost yeah, he worried almost yeah It's the adrenochromos. I'll look this way for a while. So you're like an older zoomer than I think yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah because so a little bit younger than him is is really who you're like an older Zoomer than I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because... So a little bit younger than him is really who you're mostly worried about. Yeah, well, him and an under because... But the younger group, they did vote skew more Republicans, so that's positive. They really? Yeah, they did. Younger guys. Kids in the early 20s, they came out hard for Trump. Really? Of all races and religions, yeah, they just came out big for Donny T.

The young kids now, how wild is we're about to tell you, I have a nephew, well cousin, he's like 17, he's like, oh in my brain, because his algorithm, he's like the Republicans are the good guys and the Democrats are the bad guys. I was like, oh when I was raised it was the exact opposite. Well I think it was when like the Civil War and stuff was happening, wasn't it Democrats that were like grossly? Yes, Republicans were the good guys. Republicans were the good guys and then the parties

flipped somewhere along the way okay they flipped really in what the fit we did an episode on the 50s and 60s they flip FDR FDR was really the final flip Franklin Delano Roosevelt with he came Teddy Roosevelt was like the first flip yeah he was like he just founded the progressive party the Bull Moose Party and he wanted women's suffrage and he wanted women to vote and minority rights and stuff like that what a rickens potterie kids are not a little porto rickens left and no teddy roosevelt the spanish-american war teddy roosevelt when they want it

uh... he wanted porto rico as a spanish as a country so i'm very thankful to tell you roseville my whole family's porto rican in my whole existence is porto rican shanada t r yet and i hope her years port and and yannis' whole career is Puerto Rican. Shout out to TR. Yeah, shout out to TR. And my whole career is Puerto Rican. And Giannis' whole career is Puerto Rican. You've never met two white people who have capitalized more in the Puerto Rican culture than us. I mean, make no mistake, Gianni and I, we're the bad bunnies of comedy.

But here's the thing, is we got these like, you know, we got these hunter-gatherer, like sort of agrarian brains. We're not, the technology's so new. Our brains aren't supposed to communicate with that many people and have that much information in our brains. Can't do it. Makes sense. We're not evolved for it yet.

So that's why I think very quickly in these last 10 years you see all these mental health crisis with young people. When I was a kid, even the kid with the most fucked up parents who you you knew was the poorest. There was never any like depression or suicidal ideation. Now, like young kids, it's like commonplace. Commonplace because it's 14 states have fired a lawsuit against TikTok 14 states for mental health costs because their mental health costs have skyrocketed so much and it's all they say. Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, our, you know, my Lord and Savior, for bringing me to Puerto Rico, has one of my favorite quotes, he said,

"'Comparison is the thief of joy.'" And what is- That's his quote? That's his quote, and social media is just one big comparison tool. If you're not comparing yourself to others, you're comparing you to you. So it's just, all it is is capitalizing on comparisons.

So for me, it's like, that is, that robs, inherently robs your joy and you know we're trying to just be happier with less. Do you think we are the least happy generation? I do. I think that the I think you're the of whites right of whites yeah I think yeah I think the generation is living in a place that doesn't exist too much of the day and it's fucking with their minds. And it's fucking with the dopamine. Nature is about balance and that shit shoots your dopamine up, shoots it down.

It's turning everyone's mind into a gambler. Like it's gambling. Well we are the product now. It was for, products were products, but then somewhere along the line, you know, Zuck, somebody, I guess we have to edit that out. But somebody should just, I mean, Zuckerberg should just go to...

I mean, listen, if you want to... Fucking Trump better not part in Zuckerberg. And he could... He's going to part in Ditty and that's just what it is, but he better not part in Zuckerberg. I think day one he's going to do it. Yeah, you know. It would be very funny. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, listen, Trump was a celebrity for a long time. He was hanging out with all those guys. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Oh what, of Trump? Oh, of Trump?

I mean, he was good friends with Epstein. Dude, did you know the conspiracy about Diddy? I think I might have said this on the pod. They think that Diddy, the reason why he's not dead in jail right now or going, getting like, well you haven't heard about him much, is because the day before he got arrested, he sold all his celebrity sex tapes that he has with A-listers for 50 million plus dollars to Saudi Arabia. So they have possession of these tapes and they got it and he said if anything happens

to me you release these puppies and supposedly let the government know don't fuck with me because I got everybody on tape. You're at that level right now I want to give you a piece of advice. Do not have sex with anyone in anyone's house besides your own. Do not. Too many cameras. And honestly dude just to keep it safe just have sex with anyone in anyone's house besides your own. Yeah. Do not. Do not. Too many cameras. And honestly, dude, just to keep it safe, just have sex with guys.

Yeah, because guys are going to do that. I won't open my mouth. I'll keep it nice and shut. Yeah, I mean, look, guys are a lot safer in that area. Yeah, dude, you're going to get in trouble. It's going to be girls. But make no mistake, Matt, I won't say nothing. Your secret's safe with me, because I got secrets too.

I've never needed a fuck bad enough to go to Staten Island. Sometimes you don't even need an easy pass you just wave the American flag and they say, it's free baby. Clip clip clip clip clip clip. What state are you from Clip Cowboy? Oh you're from Ohio. He looks like an. Yeah. He looks like two minutes away from fucking chewing on a gun. I mean, he looks like a Civil War general, right? I mean, he's got Civil War face. Yeah. When Kyrie left, he looks like he was like, ah, LeBron, ah. Oh, we got the quarterback who raped every masseuse in the country, ah.

Ohio is back though. Ohio's not back. LeBron, not right. It is not back. The cowboy, everybody's from Ohio. No politics, no empty talk, just solutions focused conversations on the challenges we must overcome and the possibilities that lie ahead. This is On Energy. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Dave Chappelle. Everybody leaves except for Chappelle. Yeah. Yeah. Have you had such, you've gotten really big like arenas levels. Have you had a nice fat bomb like an old school bomb yet? Oh, but the big, your crowd, a big crowd. I have had a bomb. You know what I mean? Like an old school fucking bomb.

Like we've all just sucked the cock on a headlining show. Yeah. Or a few minutes, a few minutes for sure. Yeah. What? Oh, where where were we the other day? It was it's might have been Copenhagen? Okay. I think Copenhagen or Liverpool, I forget what we were talking about, but I was talking about something was, it was bombing so bad for like three minutes and I really thought it was gonna turn out to something. I thought I was gonna find the punchline for like three minutes of ranting about it.

And I just go, anyways. Yeah, anyways. And the whole crowd, you can feel the whole crowd go, thank God he's moving on. Right, right. So I've had a moment of it, I suppose. Yeah. No, that's the best part about everything

that's happening right now is like everybody's so down to have a good time. Yeah. It's the best energy. It's one of those things where once you start performing for your fans, you're like, it's comfy. It's comfy. That's why you can't test out new stuff.

I was just in Maryland last weekend, and my boy Martin Amini has his own room there called Room 808. And it's all his fan base. I wasn't promoted or anything. So the room fits like 60 people. It's the best workout room, probably in the entire country. Went there, worked on like 25 new minutes of material and I love that it wasn't my crowd because your crowd can think whatever you

say is funny. If they're already on your side but going to perform for people who aren't initially there to see you, it's the best judge. And then we worked out of those 25 minutes I'd say like they went from all like C plus premises to A minus jokes for the actual big shows in Maryland. It was the fucking best. Amazing, dude. Yeah, see, I know it's like, that's why sometimes it's good that you were doing stand up for as long as you were before you got famous.

Because these guys who get famous and then try to do stand up, even if they're funny and talented, it's just hard for them to work because they can never test material. Because right away, they're like, oh, I know this fucking guy. Well, you and like almost incubate, you know what I mean? When nobody knows you for years. Of course. If you smile like that, I mean one more time, I'm gonna

come over there and kiss you. No don't. Because cuz you got new teeth as Yannis calls them, teeth tits. And they- Dan Soder, shout out Dan Soder. But An Soder said hair tits. He said hair tits. But then you gave teeth tits. But I would never come to teeth tits without dance so yeah so in alley-oop from dance soda yeah slam of teeth it when did you get your teeth tits they are going I was I was 19 you got no wow yeah yeah I bought them with every Ralphie May took me on my first ever tour with him it was a little tour bus tour right he had the whole back half yeah I stepped on the couch yes it's what it is I spent every single penny from that to get my teeth done. And

then I still was on a payment plan for like six months. They are gorgeous. Yeah. Thanks man. You got to do it dude. It's out there. Do it. I mean, Dan Soder talks, he got hair tits, right? Cause his hair was, he was losing his hair. Yeah. Mateo Lane also admits. Mateo Lane has hair. Yeah. Mateo Lane is the only guy who can rival you body-wise. No, his body's fantastic. You think body's better than you? He's the hottest guy I've ever seen. He's on juice. He's open about it.

Matteo's open about juicing. Huh. But you don't juice. I thought he was just Italian. He's so hot. Yeah, I know. He's so gay. He's so Italian.

Yeah, but he's from the Midwest too. He's Chicago kid. Yeah, he's not even. He's not from New York? No, he's from Chicago, and his real name is like Larry, right? Matthew. Matthew?

He changed it to Mateo. I think he changed it to Mateo. It's a good name though. The stage name. Before he came out or after he came out, he changed it to Mateo. You mean out of the closet? Yeah.

No, everyone knew, I mean, I don't. He was actually in his mother's womb, gay. Yeah, I think he came out like, guys, this is my coming out party being born. Yeah. He was like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's so talented and so gay. He sings opera. Yeah. He's so talented and so gay.

He sings opera. Yeah. In his head his mom would be like Matthew and in his head he would go, Mateo. Mateo. Yeah, much like gays they're like, my name's wrong and he fixed it. Yeah. Just like when he comes into a room and he goes, this is all wrong. He went, my name's wrong. I've said it before. I've said it before and I'll say it again. In this business we have many, many talented friends. All talent, whatever, very interesting people. Just for multiple levels of talent, Mateo Lane is my most talented friend. That man can do anything you want him to do.

Sing, dance, act, cook, muscles, whatever you want. Literally, my daughter, he came over once and he was holding my daughter, she was nine, she was four or five at the time, he was holding her with his left arm, just bulging biceps. Then he was making carbonara, the best pasta carbonara I've ever had in my life. He put the wooden spoon down and then was drawing her a picture of Ursula that I later jerked off to, drawing her a picture of Ursula for her. Beautiful free hand just doing it,

while singing opera at the top of his lungs. And there's multiple times still to this day, my daughter would be like, you need to be more like Matteo. That's the key to me. I mean, he's a Disney princess. I agree. He's the most talented man I've ever met in my life. He's got the most talent of anyone, like pure talent.

Matteo. Like diverse, versatile talent. Yeah. He's a huge star now, but I was like, I can't even believe it took as long as it took for it. Because when I saw him at an open mic once, I was like, okay, this kid, right? Everyone obviously this is the one. But you see how the universe is balanced, all that talent, but then God made him gay.

Right. God will be balanced. You can't get into heaven that way. Unfortunately, you can't get into heaven according to you guys. Yeah. It's your thing. They did talk about that right before they dunked me over. They said, and can't be gay. And can't be gay is according to you guys. Yeah, it's your yeah Yeah, they did talk about that right before they dumped me over. They said and can't be and Yeah, but so so when you got we never finished that story you got baptized how did it feel coming out of the water

Out of the Smith town water, you know It just feels wet. You just feel like you got dunked under you get water in your nose every single time Mm-hmm. I would imagine I I I inhaled at least a quart, I would imagine. You know, I didn't feel like spiritually reawakened, but you do feel you feel good. You feel like you took a... Was it a priest who did it? Yeah. Yeah. And you're getting somebody's backyard? Yes. Yeah, they have a very nice house, as most priests do. And I went to their service that day, and they do like, they do baptisms at the church, but it's like big group ones, and I just didn't really want to be like taking selfies with people in a dress.

Yeah, that'd be like Yana. Yeah, it's a merch line. So you didn't grow up religious at all? No, no. The only time I went to church as a kid was like, you stayed over at a friend's house who was going to church on Sunday, and they're like, would if you stay over you have to go to church in the morning. Well, be prepared to get a message from my mother because she's got you on the ropes right now. Because she wants, because I told, as I told Yannis, my mother's very Catholic, very religious.

Yannis has been embracing Christianity a little bit more. My mom says she's got him on the ropes and now she's going to listen to this episode. She thinks she's got you on the ropes and she's going to try to get the both of you in to try to get her to go in a Catholic church every Sunday. I know this. I know it's not about us. That I know. So there's gotta be something.

The ego is the enemy of everything. Everyone who does like mushrooms or DMT or whatever, they always talk about the death of the ego. And I've had that experience. I haven't done any drugs, but I've had those moments where I've been- You have done Klonopin. I have done Klonies. Yeah. I've had those moments where I've been like, oh done Klonopin. I have done Klonies. Yeah. I've had those moments where I've been like, oh it's not about me. I'm

thinking too much about myself. Right. Oh yeah, none of it really matters. Yeah, nothing's about us. It's about like, it's about love. I would just love to find out it's a God that we've like completely forgotten about. That'd be kind of cool. You go back to like Greek mythology or something. There was like hundreds of gods. Could be Zeus. Could be Zeus. There's this book, Sapiens, that it's a beautiful book about evolution and they say in the book Sapiens that when we were hunter-gatherers, foragers, we were more agile, we had more dexterity, we were like than the most advanced athlete of right now, hunter-gatherers and

foragers were in much better shape, could do more things, could bend their ways and contort their bodies in ways that we never could. The injuries like slip discs and neck problems and all that, that only comes when we start to farm. When we start to, about 5,000 years ago, when we started to like grow wheat and cultivate wheat and focus on farmland and not hunting, gathering, this is when all the injuries and problems started to happen. But they said also back then is our brains

were bigger then than they are now. And the only reason, the only difference between us and animals is our brains are just bigger and they, it's a bigger portion of our body mass. So it's more energy. Our brain takes up more energy so it has more computing power. So that's why we're able to be where we are. That's really like the main difference. But they also said that back, because you're talking about like forgetting about gods, they said that all that happened was is generation after generation began to farm, and then we forgot those generations. After you go three, four generations of doing something one way, that generation can't possibly remember what their great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather

was doing. So it just happened so that it's very possible with gods that we just forgot that there was a Jesus before Jesus or a Muhammad before Muhammad because generations just stopped talking about it and then you just pick up the new one. That's blowing my mind right now. There it is. Get off social media. But I said, I don't like that on social media though. I read that on Elevate and Inspire.

I read that because Sapiens, they got what, if you're not, are you a reader? Do you like to read? No, not a huge reader get this get this app Elevate because what they do is they gave cute little summaries and cliff notes of books And then you kind of feel like you know something, but you really don't know nothing yeah enough to talk about on a podcast headlines It's a crazy headline. Yeah, I'm a headline kid. I'm a headline whore. He gets half the story I get half the story Yanis comes in and gets the full story Is is Ohio gets the full story. Is Ohio, Columbus is nice. Columbus is doing well. It's a city.

Yeah. Their economy is doing well. Cleveland's in trouble. What's funny, wanting about Columbus. They've been in trouble. Yeah. The river was on fire, dude. Yeah. The river on fire. It was the first major city to default on its debts in the 70s. Yeah, it's a real fucking wasteland. This is an incredibly informative podcast. What's great about Columbus, Ohio, and these are chat GPT slot notes, what's funny about Columbus, Ohio is,

make no mistake, white people just came in there and killed all the Native Americans and then just named the city Columbus. Yeah, that seems- They just named it after a big time white. That's just what it is. That's just a truth baiter Ginsburg right here. That's just a truth baiter Ginsburg, and it's what it is.

There was a lot of Native Americans there, and then it ended up being named Columbus. That's kind of like pissing on the grave. Yeah, it's a little too much. Yeah, it's what it is. It's kind of like, you know, if they just changed the entire state of Wisconsin to Trump. Yeah.

Because Trump just came in and flipped it. And he said, well, now it's called Trump. Do you think he'll get a statue? Trump? You think Trump will get a statue? I don't know. Who got the last statue? Dwayne Wade.

And it's terrible. Oh, it's terrible. It looks like Thanos. Yeah, it's very bad. Who got the last presidential statue? That's a good question. Last national hero statue in America. That's a great question, dude.

They haven't made a statue in a while. They haven't made a statue in a while. I'm trying to think who. That's actually a really good question. Maybe Reagan National Airport has a statue. Maybe Reagan? Um, I could see Donnie getting one. Yeah, I could see Donnie getting one. Yeah, where would they put it you think? What state? I think Donald Trump would put it in his own house so he can look at it. I would say put it Yeah, yeah, put it in his own bathroom and just stare at it. I mean definitely New York, Florida, um. Just like the Trump Hotel or something. Yeah, I think so. He definitely already has statues of himself up somewhere. Has to. Yeah, he loves himself. I don't think Donny T wants war. He's been cheating on his

wife with himself forever. He loves himself. He kisses the mirror. He came out and kissed that mirror. No he did not. Oh yeah he does. Is this video of him kissing a mirror? We think before he does any speech he might come out and just kiss that mirror. Yeah, he kisses the mirror. He came out and kissed that mirror. No, he did not. Oh yeah, he does. Is there a video of him kissing a mirror? We think before he does any speech, he might come out and just kiss that mirror. Yeah, have you ever blown a kiss? Yeah, have you ever blown a kiss to yourself in the mirror? No, maybe I should. Yeah. Do it. Yeah.

You have? Yeah. Yeah. You got to do it. For a couple, before you go on stage, like you just... You just calm it down. Give yourself a fucking kiss. Give yourself a little positive energy.

Positive energy. You're the fucking best. Yeah. I think I would just see an eye booger or a show has to be canceled. Yeah. We were, we, you know, cause we know we are, you're here to promote your book and we were going to have you sign it, but me and Yannis came in all the pages. Did they even give you a book?

They sent us the book and we just saw the cover of you that, and we just said, well, I guess this is just point hub. Yeah. Not enough smudges. They would let me put in there. What's the book? The book. What do you, what's the name of it? It's called, your mom's going a point hub. Yeah. Not enough smudges they would let me put in there. What's the book? What's the name of it?

Tell us about the book. It's called Your Mom's Gonna Love Me. I think she will. She will. No, she will. I'm telling you, dude, she's gonna try to convert you and she will get you. I might convert your mom. Seriously, convert her.

How old is she? My mom is 63, but she's in decent shape. Hey, you wanna go into it? Nicest woman I've ever met in my life. She has red hair. I'm out. She's single. Yeah, I get it. Ex-boyfriend died of polio Her ex-boyfriend died of polio. She isn't she's in a relationship with Jesus himself. Yeah, that's what I would say She's in a relationship with Christ

And Donald Trump well, no Here's the thing is no What I was told is that she voted Republican down the line except for the president she left that one blank. What she doesn't know is I came around the corner and I dribbled in it. Why did you put it in? I came like this. Woo! What's her name? Lynn. Lynn. Linda Stefano. Yes, which is that's another ball-ass, a baller-ass shit about my mom is my mom and dad got divorced when I was one and my mom never changed her last name because she was like I don't want you to feel like we have different last names. So she kept the last name of a man she divorced. No way. For me.

So that's a great mom right there. That's pretty petty. It is. Yeah. Yeah, I just recently found out that you can't get divorced unless both people sign the papers. So you could just stay married to somebody who doesn't want to get married to you. Yeah, you have to get them to sign. That's why some people are just separated for 30 years, because one or the other will not sign the papers. That's insane. Especially if there's no financial gain, like if the husband or wife, if they have a prenup or whatever, and you're not going to get any money. A lot of people just sign the papers so they can get the money from the whatever spouse has more money. A lot of something I didn't know that people should know before they get married is the state that you get married in

matters. Some states are have no fault divorces. What does that mean? Which means like let's say I'm your wife right or your wife I want to leave anybody out. I don't want to make you feel. You had to choose. Yeah if I had to choose. I'm the wife. I'm going with the money. Yeah. The money. Yeah. And you had to choose? Yeah. If I had to choose? I'm the wife. I'm going with the money. Yeah. And the money. Yeah.

And then I'm marrying you in Connecticut, and then I'm going to cheat on you, and I'm going to take half your money. What? So what tells you? Connecticut, no fault. Connecticut. I could cheat on you. I could cheat on you with your brother.

I could do anything. We get divorced, no fault, you give me half. It's the most brutal thing. So you don't need a prenup or anything in Connecticut? I think you could do a prenup. I think you could do a prenup and get out of it, but if you have no prenup, I don't know. Don't quote me on that.

What is New York? New York, you have to, it's different. I don't know. I don't know specifically. It's not as bad as Connecticut. I know Connecticut because I know a guy who this has happened to and he explained it to me about Connecticut. He was sleeping in the back of your house. Yeah, Connecticut is bad. This dude is a rich, rich guy.

Yeah. And his wife cheated on him and now he's just paying, he's paying her. For a while they were like living in the house that he bought. I mean it's just the story is brutal. He even got texts of her going like, if we wait a little longer, he's going to get this big promotion and we'll get more money. None of that matters. It's straight. You get half.

Kid got fucked in the street. You married? I'm married, yeah. I also track my sleep, but this is an aura ring. Are you in a relationship? It's a two in one. Yeah. So if I want to cheat on my wife, I just charge my ring.

Nah, I'm just kidding. That's a joke. That's a joke. That's a joke. charge my ring. Just kidding. That's a joke. That's a joke. That's a joke. But we will keep it in. It's a joke. Are you relationship? What is it?

Do we not talk about it? I'm super single. Super single. There you go. I would like to get married for sure. So you would get married. Yeah, I want kids. I want to be married for sure.

You would be a good dad, I feel like. Not now, but someday. Maybe like five years from now, something like that. So 30, 34. 34, 35 would be great. This kid had his now, something like that. So 30, 34. 34, 35 would be great. This kid had his first kid at like 45. What?

Yeah, because listen, this is what people don't consider. People live longer now. I mean, I love my wife. I do love my wife. She's the most important thing to me. But if I had to live with her since I was 20-something, it's like, you know, it's a little long. So people live to like 80 plus now. So it's like if you it's a little long so people live to like 80 plus now so it's like if you get married now in your what 30s just be prepared

that's a long haul so you think getting married and having kids in the 40s I say 40s what here's we have we have very little advantages as men here especially today use the ones you got here's one thing I know which is we can have men until we're 80 so hold it over her fucking head every day yeah Ari Shafir got his fucking cum clipped who does that? He what? He got a vasectomy. Vasectomy. Yeah my wife if she asked me to get a vasectomy I'd be like you fucking kidding me dude I want to hold this over your head every day if you fucking run your mouth I'll go start another family. It's what it is. I'll start another family at 75. Yeah here's what. Yeah with a 30 year old. And it's what it is. I'll start another family. Yeah. At 75. Yeah.

Here's what? With a 30 year old. Here's what? And it's all fucking good. Yeah. Here's one thing I know. Here's one thing I know when this episode comes out. Yannis is gonna get a talking to from his wife. I'm gonna get a talking to. Yeah. She's gonna sit down. She's gonna have a word with him. Yeah. This is all bluster. And it's gonna be funny and I hope that somebody films it and we'll throw that at patreon.com slash history hyenas of Yannis' wife giving him a talking. I'm gonna get a talking to we'll throw that at patreon.com slash history hyenas of Yannis's wife giving him a talk I'm gonna get a talking to that was bad. Yeah, we may have to wait. We may have to tackle that whole thing Yes, right. So a big thing we like to do at what we do

I'm just saying live Matt live life life for as long as you can I'm going I also feel like I already missed the opportunity to be like a young parent right now Like your 40s are free. They're out of the house by like 40 45 45. I'm 30. I'm 40. I'm still a young parent. My kids are nine and three. No young parent like 18, 24, 25. White trash. Yeah. Ohio.

Yes, Ohio. But then you get like all of your 40s completely free. Like there's a strategy to that. I'm about to be 30, so I've missed the young portion, but I still have like solid 10 years of like feeling really good, I think. I was like, why not enjoy that? And then I can settle down. Cause you haven't made a bad decision yet. Not one. Sample the table a little bit. I'm definitely not sampling any tables. The tables cannot be trusted. Yeah. All right, where we go? Because Maddie's got to go. We got to promote his book. Well, he just did it Yeah, and I said that we came in it. Yeah, we did come in it. Yeah, we are auctioning off that cop

We got in his book, but it's a Your mom will love you. It's about your life. What's it about? Yes. It's a bit of a memoir It's no yeah, it's kind of like being only a little bit of a first date in a comedy show You know, you're fucking successful when you write a memoir at 29 years old. Yeah, I get asked about that. And the point being, it's like, yeah, you don't write a memoir until you're like 70, 80 years old. But so much has happened that it can give a lot of context as to who I am, where I come from, and what's going on with me right now.

That would kind of do it injustice to summarize it in two chapters, 50 years. Are there any pictures in there for Chrissy to enjoy? No, but I'll send you one. Thank you, baby. I'll send you one you can turn into a bookmark. We shared the same feature act for years, Don DePetta. Shout out Don DePetta.

Don DePetta's for the table. Donnie Tsunami, he's a feature for the table. Every time I go to LA, I still sleep in that kid's house. I don't get a hotel, I sleep over Donnie's house. And we talked about the life with Matt Wright. We got super high and went and saw Greta Van Fleet at the Greek Theater. It was incredible. She's the best. Is that a girl? It's a group of guys. Oh shit I didn't know. Greta Van Fleet. She sounds hot. And you had John Campanelli open for you for a little bit. Yeah you know

Camp? Oh yes. He opened for you and Brayett. I love that guy. He's a great guy. And he had nothing but great things to say about you. I love him man. Such a good comic. Jesse do you have the printouts of the stuff? So what we do is, we know you've got to go in a few minutes, is what we do is at the end of every episode, at patreon.com slash history.initiates, we encourage our fans to make funny names. Like when they sign up, you get content, you get bonus footage, bonus episodes and all that. But then they make these names that are funny and then the ones that Yanis will say We have a list of the funniest ones and then at the end we pick basically the winner

We call it the pseudo penis of the week because this because hyenas have pseudo penises hyenas They really they give birth out of their penis Yeah So we picked the pseudo penis of the week and we'll just do a few because we know you got to go but we like You can get involved and tell us some of these yeah, you vote with me We'll figure out we'll both figure out which ones are funny. Simple enough. So we're going to start off with this list, again,

at patreon.com slash history. IAIN is the only way to sign up. Get your name read. And it's a beautiful thing. And hopefully you guys hear your name read. And it gets a laugh out of IAIN. OK, let's start off with a banger. We got Pocahontas was a whore, Wei-Shan Chi.

Whoo. Start off strong. Is that on the list? Oh, Drexler. OK, so what Drexler means is Drexler means that strong? Is that on the list? Okay, Drexler. Okay, so what Drexler means is Drexler means it's close to being on the list. How many get on the list? As many as are good. But what Drexler means is Clyde Drexler played in the era of Michael Jordan.

So, almost good enough. Almost good enough. He would have been great had Jordan not been there. This is a name. This would have been great, but not for this list. And a chicken finger is a good simple one yeah okay it's not on the list okay then we got colonial Tom eats glue for a good cause what do you think back it's not my favorite oh my favorite favorite we're

gonna look we're gonna let Maddie lead this okay we're gonna let that it was right there you give me a Drexler now not even no not even a wow okay then we got straight to the back cuz I'm a frigate. Wait, what? Really? Kid? He wanted to say, you know, a slur, but he's just, he, he, sometimes you say this guy was skating.

He was skating around. He was skating around. He was on the ice. He was on the ice. So we say the kid's on the ice. He was just skating around. He didn't say that word, but he came close. He said frigate.

And straight to the back means I'm here for the content I'm here for the comedy like you know the old video stories used to have the porn in the back yes so he they're going straight to the back I'm just here for the content I don't I don't want to give a name so many different avenues of terminology with you yeah that's how far down a little to keep up but that's but that's what these fans the real fans they know they make they make these names as a whole right yeah all right we got Josh Povey straight to the back regular name Daniel 99 Nathan Graham then we got Mermaids and me LLC screwed in screwed in. So screwed in means the kid is he's a

screwed in he's smart he's got his Yamaka screwed on tight to his head he's thinking big business yeah he's just not even thinking of a funny name he's writing his business out here so our fans here at Mermaids and me LLC. He just tightens his Yamaka. He's screwed in. Tighten just screwed him. Then we got Mitchie the Kraut, which is just a German kid. Then we got Jennifer, then we got Doza the fat fat fascist. The fat fat fascist? Yeah. Whatever. Matt Rife likes. I like it. Drexler? Not on the list though. Not on the list. I haven't had a definitive on the list. Alright, we're going to get one. How many are we reading through? We'll just read the first page. Not on the list. OK. I haven't had a definitive on the list. All right, we're going to get one. How many are we reading through?

We'll just read the first page, because you've got to go. Yeah. No, I just want to know how many I should make, how many I'm going to have to choose from. I don't want none to be on the list. I mean, literally, typically on episode, we'll read off 200 of them, but we're not going to do that with you.

You've got to go. We'll read one page, and then we'll see. All right, all right, all right. Then we've got Dan Central Jersey is real allies, Brett Porter, Ryan Moulton, Steve Neist, Daniel L, James Metcalf, then we got North Korean barbershop, Talk6, Millie My Willie. That's on the list for me. Oh really?

That's a lot of work. That's a populist. It's the longest name. Okay, Kosta, Dylan P, Kristen Holmes, then we got Tony's floating island of three dollar bills. Three dollar bills is a term that we use for gay kids. Because God is his father, the older generation would call a gay guy three dollar bill. He would say that guy's gay, he's as gay as a three the father used to call older generation. He would say that guy's gay is a $3 bill.

That's very funny. So that might be a list for me. Okay, so there we go. We have two on the list. Eric Leckrone, Robert Miranda. Then we got a fat Samoan kid with a piece that's on Ozempic. He's just describing who he is. He's fatty, Samoan, he's got a big dick. Yeah. And he's, oh no, it's epic.

I like it. You like it? I like it. I like that one. Matt's putting that on the list. That's a good list. Yeah. Yeah. Heather, George Smith, Adam. Then we got Donnie Juju Train, AKA Donnie Screw, Screw Train. Victim of a bad read. I apologize. Still good though. Still good.

Screw Train? Donnie Juju Train, AKA Donnie Screw, Screw Train. Right. That's a Drexler for me. Drexler, okay. Drexler forler, okay. Then we got Thelonious Florido, that's just a funny regular name. Then we got Nick the Greek Squeak Freak, Yaya officially lost her marbles and Chrissy D tucks it back. I mean the last ones on the list for sure. Yeah, right. The end of it got him on a list.

Parker Dieters, Bjorn, then we got Spamone Garden, super fan. That's hilarious. Spamone Garden is a famous pizzeria in Brooklyn. Yeah. So he's just shouting out. Okay. He's local. He's screwed in. Screwed in.

Anthony Harris, Donnie, Justin M, Horse Package, Kel Doves, then we got I'm Like Yanni on Klonies, Going After Your Mommy's Poonani. On the list, right? Put them on the list. I'd have to add a contender there you got a contender then we got loaded Brotato that's funny Alex Connery then we got Ferranc Bill Alfamorini okay um then we got got a character stuck in my piece um wait that

yeah yeah yeah um then we got Benjamin Nutton on you That's a good one Because he's not limited on time, let's just go we know the two contenders Okay, so Brandon MC odd pock William James Eisman then we got Kristian Cassidy twin fumes and identical naturals We've got Kristian Cassidy, Twin Fumes, and Identical Naturals. OK, Bum Bum Man, Brandon. Then we've got Jack Canavos, Thomas Moore, Crimson Glory, Father $3 Bill Clinton. Whoa. Yuri Manor.

That's good. But Father $3 Bill Clinton. But I think I'm going to name the list ones just to name it. We've got North Korean Barbershop, Talk Six, Millie My Willie, Tony's Floating Islands of $3 Bills, a Fat Simone Kid with a Piece that's on Ozempic, Chrissy D tucks it back, then we got I'm Like Yanni on Clonies, Going After Your Mommy's Poonanis, and then the big, big one is Benjamin Nutton on You.

So for me, and then I'll let Matt vote, for me it's going to be Benjamin Nutton on You is the winner. But Benjamin Nutton on You, that's a smart one because you got to know Benjamin, Nate and Yahoo, you got to know a lot of things. The creativity of that. But he likes that. Yanni likes that. But Yanni is kind of a scholar, he's kind of a gay kid.

But what do you think Matt? You're the guest, you pick this one. It's such a tie between Benjamin Nutton on you and Fat Smowen. Fat. OK. What do you want to do? It's up to you. You have the deciding vote. You have the deciding vote.

We're going to give it to you. My vote doesn't even count. Yeah. Yeah. But this is fun for the fans, because it's great. Matt, call them the PPW. That's big for them. It's big.

I don't have the winner calling in. It's health care. You've been declined. Yeah. What do we got? Read them one more time. Both of them. Fat Samoan kid with a piece that's on Ozempic or Benjamin Nutton on you. I'm going Fat Samoan. It's also screwed in. He's putting it all out. It could be a business move. He's letting you know I'm working on my body but also... That's what it is.

You heard it here first. rumors are true Matt is pro Palestine. He went anti-istro. Matt Wright thank you for coming. Read the kids book. See him on tour if you can get in God willing. Love you Matt. Thanks for coming out baby. Thanks for coming. Appreciate it. Yeah this was great. Alright guys listen here's the truth we're gonna just read off some patron names because we disagree with Matt Wright's pick of the PP Dunn. He picked the wrong one. Yeah, and we know you guys are probably mad at us. So we said, let's just give the fans what they want, and let's do the list. Yeah, Benjamin, what is it?

Benjamin? Benjamin Nutton on you. It's the winner. It's the winner. And he wrote, and he didn't write nothing. He wrote, Nutton like come. Yeah, I mean, that is one of the most creative ones we've had. Yeah, so we'll just pop this right in after Matt leaves.

All right, so we got K'Gwan Briggs, Heath, Chase Templeton, Austin McFerrin, Jim Galini, then we got Suck It Before I Tuck It, Kirby Puck It. Put them on the list. List, maybe. That's the old school Minnesota twin. RIP. Daniel Rojas, Caroline Greening, then we got an FF coming at you in a different way, Sean Chien. This is a direct slip. Like it. Yeah, like it. Then we got Q-Tip, Stephen Ali. It could be the real Q-Tip. Yeah. Megan Holmes. Nikki wears jerseys to church. Put her on the list. Yeah. I mean, her? Might be a guy. I think he's wearing baseball jerseys to church. Put him on the list. Then we got Sir Stromstead, Michael Hemphill, Soy, Chase Fury. Then we got It it's been a minute the situation is now the commitment. Okay walk into one

But but it's positive So we'll say yeah, it's positive. Yeah, not on the list. I'll give him a Drexler. It's positive. It's positive I thought I walked into one but I walked into something positive. What is a positive? Yeah, Andrew Gonzalez Thomas Murphy Then we got Chrissy the bug chaser Michael Moritz Jack LaBerca Then we got Chrissy the Bug Chaser, Michael Morowitz, Jack LaBerka, Wesley, Leonardo Cruz, Matt Moore, then we got Mustard Goblin, Christian Lopez, Chicken Finger for the Mustard Goblin, Mustard Goblin, Chicken Finger, okay we like that, Lucas K.O., Jaden Andalas, then we got Elon Muskie, Elon Muskie Tusk, okay?

Okay, it's a good try. Then we got Down Under Kisser chicken finger, chicken finger. Then we got Don's old rump likes Kamala hairless. Good one. Good one. Drexler. Good Drexler. Cameron Miller, Brooke B 46. Then we got mayor Pete booty cheeks, 2028. Very good Drexler. Put it in the booty cheeks. Gias, then we got baby gorgeous. Remember baby gorgeous? And B-A-B-I gorgeous. Yeah, chicken figure for the nostalgia. Then we got queen Laqueefa. Queen Laqueefa. Yeah. You know, if it wasn't for the Queefer Sutherland. Right. So it's Drexler, but. But also too, by the way, we found out, because these, all these fans are connected Tuesdays with stories.

Yeah, they say that all the time. Norman calls himself Queefer Sutherland. So put this one on the list. OK, so we're getting on the list. Yeah, you're getting on the list. Now Queefer, you were off the list, now you're on the list. Now you're on the list. Then we got Travis French.

Then we got Borderjumper with a Drexler piece. Ha ha ha. List. Wow. Yeah, a Drexler piece is pieces. hilarious. Dean Annable. Then we got Yanni's Yankee Doodle. Um, then we got the nah means glue gun leaks when she's for Rome. Um, this nah means yeah. Yeah. It's a black kid who's when he's with a hot chick. I appreciate it. Yeah. Jabber jams. Then we got Yuri Declissimo. Captain Bloodfarts.

Then we got Queef Latina. Queef Latina. We got Queen Laqueefa and then Queef Latina. These guys are going for the queefs because the queef won last week. It's what it is. Yeah. So that's what they're smart. They're saying this is the winner. They screwed in. Screwed in. But you got to try to be original. Okay. But good. Good stuff. Andrew Heenan, Amanda Buckner, Seymour But original. Okay, but good good stuff Andrew Heenan Amanda Buckner Seymour Butts Okay, yeah, Nick Gonzalez Randy then we got the Fuhrer's fumes trapped inside a tiny bottle Drexler Twitch guys, then we got Danny sucked one dick. Now. I'm a Democrat to Miko

Put them on the list Funny funny factor. Then we got Greg. Then we got, how'd you get the beans above the Franks? Drexler. Drexler. Then we got Heywood Jablomi. Heywood Jablomi.

Nice. Anthony X, Jack Devlin, Lindsay. Then we got Ian Burns went on Pian. I think I made a Oh No to Carlo. Put them on the list! Wow! We got a lot of lists! List heavy!

Yeah. And there's no clear contender which is interesting. No contender, no contender, yeah. Jeannie, Doug, Frankie, Mike, Chad Guevara, then we got Kevin Paul Fahey, then we got Father Bill Spillin' Glue on my nice tile floors. Okay, I'll be directs with that. My big fat Greek ass pussy. Put him on the list.

Oh, on the list. It's a possible contender. Anthony Morrison, Alan Karnarza, Robert Van Dibner. Then we got 6'8 Squeak. 6'8 Squeak, OK. Interesting. Big Squeak. Bianca Chima, she sounds like a piece.

Graham, Cassidy Jkowski Warner Thompson GP Then we got roses straight to the back parks We had that had that had that three years. We've had that in the first right? It's a great It's a great one, but we've had that one because it's so good. I remember it We have that so what do you do in that situation? I say we just we acknowledge it. It's from the first right Yeah, but we just move on You're from the first Reich, yeah, unfortunately. Brian and Kosta, then we got Itziani P watching Chrissy take D. Yaz. Drexler, good one. Mary O'Neill, Diego Gizzi, Locus Magoo, David

McMahon, Dylan Bouchard, Jason, then we got the more coke I consume the more I support Israel, parentheses I'm gay Drexler okay you should have just left the more coke I consume the more I support Israel yeah Martin Lewis the fifth then we got my painters glue gun fills me with Swiss coffee okay okay okay okay dad then we got Mark suck a burger okay okay okay then we got Joey B. Who else? Nate Camarillo, B-Stein Visuals, Adam, Kyle Cartier, Hilly B., Zach Dries. Then we got Father Bill checked my oil so- okay hold on. Father Bill checked my oil so I banged his daughter on US soil. Drexler. Philip Garrett. Then we got this FF wants to put my Franks and Beans in AOC's Latinx ass.

Okay. Okay. Eugene Bledsoe. Then we got Chrissy's no-no home zone. Okay. Then we got let me see that PhD. Make no mistake. PhD stands for pretty huge dick.

Okay. Put him on the list. Yeah. Yeah. Or it could be. Yeah. It could be a girl. It could be a girl. Yeah. Could be a girl. Then we got Dane Zook. Then we got a hot Mesopotamia. JP Fernandez, Greg Raher, William Johnson, Christopher Darlag, Dylan W. Then we got the ghost of Patrick Swayze. Oh, that's nice. That's real. Yeah, that's funny. Drexler for that. Chicken finger.

Amanda Pearl. Then we got half a Jamaican called Leroy with a mean toy. Drexler. Okay. Liam Harrington. Then we got the Oregon Cucks. Like the ducks. The ducks.

Justin Lennon. Chris Monroe. Then we got Robbie Hyena blood easy like a fumes day morning good one that's a that's on the that's on the border of a Drexler the list what do you think Robbie Hyena blood easy like a fumes day morning I think it's original I would put them on put them on the list Joseph Cianci Brian Gareth Jake Amaralino Brett true tracked Tracked, then we got Bowling Night Podcast, Screwed In, Fumarlin Brando, have we had that?

No, that's a good one, put them on the list. Fumarlin Brando. Yeah, that's a good one. Then we got Father Bill's Cum Shot, Turn Chrissy Straight, Then we got horse monkey from Kentucky. Chicken finger. Pat, Holly Martin, Daniel Huyten, heater deleter. Then we got I eat slut booty cream cheese, Yas Queen leader, Queen ladder 14. Okay. Sorry, bad read. Yeah. Walt. It's a mouthful. Nicky and the Fog, I'll take you both physically. Okay. Patty fly balls in Yanni's FF mouth. Drexler. James, Ralph Sanchez, then

we got Splittin' Toots like Firewood Cousy, Christian DeVoe, then we got Billy K. went full blown gay, then we got Yanni sucked the balls like tzatziki sauce, overflow in the gyro. These are all Drexlers. Lindsay, Patrick Martin, we'll do one more page. Yeah. And then we got Hummus Tunnels. Not bad. Not bad. Put them on a list. Okay, not bad. Hummus Tunnels. Those are in. Yeah. Yeah, those are Hamas' tunnels. Yeah, Hamas' tunnels. You put Hummus Tunnels. Yeah. Tommy Chooch, Noah Plumridge, GM. Then we got Emily Danehauer, Father Smith, Casey Lowry, then we got Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuzzamuzzy, Donny Lanchotis, then we got Wife Calls Me Cutie with a Gluey, it's Plain and Simp.

Oh Plain and Simp, remember Plain and Simp? Plain and Simp. Antoine Bergin, then we got Chrissy Fries, aka Katha Cousy, then we got Moms, Awap, Dad Suzuki, I Shoot Fedora Violi out of my peepee. Drexler. Okay. Then we got Skyler Cudney, pocket full of three dollar bills, Anthony Gallo, hope you read my name before I get deported, Rodriguez.

Put him on the list, that's a contender. That's a contender. That's a contender. Okay. Then we got Dick Fingers. Chicken Fingers. Yeah. That's a contender. That's a contender. Okay, then we got Dick Fingers. Chicken Fingers. Yeah. Matt Shannon, Ben Simon.

Then we got Zack Attack Spray, those white ropes on my back. Okay, Drexler. Half white, half Franks and Beans full toot. Big pastrami. Then we got vagina penis boobs. Drexler, Drexler. These are 40, 50 year old kids, names like this.

Then we got Kyle Wilson Jams. Then we got Call Me Timmy, Tuck It Back, cause the boys are back. Addie, then we got Pete Budaplug. Pete Budaplug. Funny? Funny Drexler. Emma Richard, then we got Yep I'm Gay.

Chicken Finger. Then we got Cuz, My Family Hasn't Seen Me This Happy in Four Years. Nunu, Kujo. Appreciate it, Katie Binder, Melinda, Mike, Andrew Reagan, soft serve marathon. Um, aim for the belly but doesn't go past the bush. Then we got Trey Fratelli, Laserbeam Harris, Lord Gooner, 69 4 2 0. Then we got stall the wall, the Gooner, 69 4 2 0. Then we got Stall the Wall, the Beef, Mexa Melts is back, Donny T works for me, okay. Patrick, Brendan Swike, Jason, Adam Calterio, Jason Litman, John DeFile, and then last but

not least we got Father Bill, Scratch My Leroy, Now I Go by Big Mike. Okay, Drexler. Alright, alright, we got some, I think I know who it is. Alright, here we go. But I'll just read the names. So, okay, so we got, we will start with, we got Hummus Tunnels. Hummus Tunnels is a contender. Okay, hope you read my name before I get deported Rodriguez. Contender. This is the contender page. Then we got Robbie Hyhena Blood, Easy Like a Fumes Day Morning. Drexler. Drexler.

Then we got Lemme Chat, Lemme See That PhD, Make No Mistake PhD Stands for Pretty Huge Dick. Drexler. Drexler. Then we got Queen Laqueefa. Drexler. Border Jumper with a Drexler Piece. Contender.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, we got the contender, hold on. Then we got Danny Sucked One Dick, Now I'm a Democrat to Miko. It's funny, it's Drexler unfortunately. Okay. We got the contender, hold on. Then we got Danny sucked one dick, now I'm a Democrat to Miko. It's funny, it's Drexler, unfortunately, yeah. We got three contenders. Ian Burns, when I'm peeing, I think I made a oh no to Carlo.

Drexler, funny. We got my big fat Greek ass pussy. Contender. Contender, okay, we got four contenders now. Okay, so here we go, that's the contender page. Then we got suck it before I tuck it, Kirby Puck it. Contender. Wow. Yeah, we got five contenders. This is this is not a clear winner here guys. Then we got Nicky wears Nicky wears um Nicky wears what is it uh Nicky wears jerseys to church. That's the chicken finger. Chicken finger

but good. Okay so here are the contenders. Yes. Suck it before I tuck it Kirby pocket. Border jumper with a Drexler piece my big fat Greek ass pussy Hummus tunnels or hope you read my name before I get deported Rodriguez. These are all great. I know One cuz the thing I it started out. I was like, oh, there's no clear contender Now you're reading all those I'm going those are all great. These are my these might be the most contenders we've ever had That's a lot of contenders. That's what I'll read it one more time Yeah, hummus tunnels. Hope you read my name before I get deported Rodriguez. Okay. Hold on. Let's Drexler hunters to hummus tunnels Unfortunately any other day. Hope you read my name before I get to poor Rodriguez is still in that still it

Okay, suck it before I talk at Kirby pocket All right, that's still in and then border jumper with a Drexler piece Drexler I hate to do it. Okay, so that's... I hate to draw their out. Yeah, I hate to do it. Danny sucked one dick, now I'm a Democrat to Miko. Okay, I hate to do it, but that's funny.

Hey, he only sucked one dick. Yeah, he's gotta be Drexler'd. Okay, Ian Burns... I'm sorry, my big fat Greek ass pussy. Contender. Contender still, okay. Yeah. Alright, so the contenders are my big fat Greek ass pussy. Contender. Contender still. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, so the contenders are my big fat Greek ass pussy, um, uh, my big fat Greek ass pussy, hope you read my name

before I get deported, deported Rodriguez, and socket before I talk to Kirby Pocket. Okay, those are three good ones. I need help with these. We got three guys in here. So what do you guys like out of those three? Suck it before I talk to Kirby Pocket, hope you read my name before I get deported Rodriguez or my big fat Greek ass pussy Ass pussy one ass pussy. Oh Ported so I'm you're gonna yeah, cuz I can't vote you can vote. I'm just a reader So, what is that two to one well Well no but you make a deciding thing right? Also on this one I'll have to vote. You're gonna have to vote cuz I'm gonna go

I'm gonna go deported. You're gonna go deported? So it's 2-2 and it's your deciding vote. Fuck. I think suck at Kirby Pocket got short, but you guys it's a vote. So it's a vote and it's between hope you read my name before I get deported Rodriguez and my big fat Greek ass pussy. Yeah. One of them's funnier just cause it's a chicken finger funny and the other one is funny and inventive. And here's why, even though I think they're both amazing,

the thing is we've had a lot of deported Rodriguez, we've had a lot of that. And my big fat Greek ass pussy, we've had a lot of ass pussy, but we haven't had this combo of my big fat Greek ass pussy. This guy combined multiple characters. Yeah, he did. Yeah. And he kind of threw it all around. So I'm going to have to go with my big fat Greek ass pussy as the PPW.

You're the PPW. Although, I hope you read my name before I get to Puerto Ricas. You got real talent. If you want to make another name, I'm sure you could do even better. Yeah. Yeah. So congratulations. Also shout out to Benjamin. Notton on you. Notton on Yahoo. That was really the best one. That was the best one.

I think we just put that one as the PPW. Okay. So we're going to have two PPWs. Yeah. Go to History Hyena's. Matt just wasn't right. Matt just wasn't right. Go to HistoryHyena's.isback.com to see your PPW up there. You got the merch up there.

We got everything up there. And yeah, patreon.com slash History Hyena's. If you want to get involved, we've got a great bonus episode up there right now.