History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - Robert E Lee: Best General wrong Squad | History Hyenas

Episode Date: January 15, 2026

Robert E. Lee was one of the greatest military commanders in American history—but did his brilliance come at the cost of moral courage? On this episode of History Hyenas, we break down Lee’s battlefield genius, Civil War strategy, and why he chose loyalty to Virginia over standing against slavery. Was Robert E. Lee a tragic figure, a tactical legend, or a man who failed the ultimate moral test? Support our sponsors: Go to https://Quince.com/hyenas for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. #comedy #Podcast #History Join our Patreon at 👇 https://www.patreon.com/historyhyenas/ Subscribe to the poddy woddy Our YouTube!: https://bit.ly/2ARdDOz HH Clips:https://bit.ly/2YaK2Z8 iTunes: https://apple.co/2UQTHCc Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fxtsc0 Hyenas Merch!!! https://store.historyhyenaspod.com Follow us Cuz! 🙆🏻‍♂️ Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ 🙆🏼‍♂️ Chris Distefano Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website - https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ 🐕More Hyenas Website: www.historyhyenasisback.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/historyhyenas/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HistoryHyenas Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/historyhyenaspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. What's up, everybody? We got a great episode today about Robert E. Re, the Civil War General, the complicated man he was. We also talk about a bunch of other fun stuff. You're going to enjoy this. You're going to really enjoy this episode. We potentially have a budding civil war here in the United States. So we said, let's talk about everyone's favorite Civil War General, Robert E. Lee. And for people that don't know him, fun fact, he's not Chinese. Yeah, it does sound it, but he's not. Catch me on the road in Royal Oak, Michigan this weekend. That's outside of Detroit. Morris playing in New Jersey, two shows. They're almost sold out. So get them now. Bakersfield, California, West Nyack, those shows have been rescheduled to April 24th through the 26. Most importantly, come join our community at patreon.com slash history hyenas. We got a new series called Leaky We're starting.

We got Snowstorm and we got bonus episodes every week. And you listen to these episodes ad free and uncensored. It's beautiful. And I will be in Las Vegas. February 6th at the David Copperfield Theater and he's been doing a good job making some of my ticket sales disappear.

Enjoy the app. It's what it is. Welcome to the history hyenas. We are here. It is a new year. I told you we are the same queers. Chrissy D. Yanni P. And I'm saying hello to you from the new skin tag on my eyelid. Yeah, I don't know whether to look at you or to look at that third little eye. But listen, just go.

to a dermatologist. Hey a couple dollars, take it out of the family budget. They'll burn it right off. They can do that. Yeah, but it's on my eyelid, because if I get it, how am I going to open my eye? I don't want to come in here with a patch on. If they can release a sonic weapon that takes away the ability of the Cuban guards

to defend Maduro and makes them all bleed out of their nose, they can take a little skin tag off your eye. They can take that skin tag off and build a penis with it if they want. Guys, let me tell you. something I want to come in here with like wearing an eye patch and say I'm a Somalian because I'm like a pirate. You are. I mean, that skin tag is getting a little bigger.

I can't take it though because. Am I still cute? The thing is I want to make you wear something right now. Tell me. Denim looks good on you. Something about denim and you like just the skin color and the denim. Yeah. And the denim and my skin tag go hand in hand.

I want to give a shout out to Kith, to Ronnie Figue, who owns Kith. He sent me this shirt because I did a little Kith, New York City campaign for him, and I got this shirt, and I washed it, and I shrunk it, and he told me not to wash it. So I don't know how to have nice clothes, but Ronnie sent me something nice. Yeah, but you look super cute today. Now, super cute. I feel super cute. We got Jesse the Jew here, Nick the Stick. Now, Jesse the half chew, sorry.

Now, Jess, can you pull up the, just Google blood vomit Venezuela? and you'll find it was a New York Post article where a Venezuelan security guard over the weekend said gave a first-hand account of what happened. He said the United States military went in there and just hit them with a sonic boom like Gile from Street Fighter.

Yes, supposedly. Of course the internet is not working. This TV is not working. And the days in the studio are numbered like the Iran. Yeah. Like the current regime of Iran. No, yeah, like the current...

Finally a revolution to get excited about. Yeah. Like Nick's snap benefits because the government's going to catch on at that point. They're limited. Now, I can tell just from, we always have a nice conversation. We have egg white wraps and peanut butter cookies and we have a nice little feast before we start here. And I can tell that Nick's in a bad mood. So we have to find why Nick is sad.

Yeah, no. Nick is sad today. No, the thing about Nick is I think Nick spends most of his day, and I can relate to this. Nick spends most of his day and going through an internal battle. Yes. So the internal battle is always, there's a lot of anxiety. Yeah. So he's constantly battling the anxiety.

So he's constantly having an internal monologue. Yeah. And he likes coming in here because we make ha-has happen. And so he gets out of his head for one second. Yeah. But you got to understand he's a kid that lives in his own head because he's a smart kid. He's a sensitive kid. He wants to be doing Shakespeare.

Yeah. And so he's constantly like a hamster wheel going over. Like, why am I not doing Shakespeare? Why am I not? But then he doesn't do anything about it. So he's just kind of stuck with anxiety. It's what it is. It's what it is. And Nick's between Nick's goatee, kind of being a little patchy, Nick balding down the middle and just his overall personality, I equate him to the Golden Globe winner one battle after another. Nick sees what he looks in the mirror. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just as one battle. No, I'm kidding, Nick. We appreciate you. Obviously, you know, joke around with you. But Nick, are you okay? We want to make sure you're okay because us being, you know, one of your employers, we need to make sure that your mental health is okay.

Can I answer that question? Yes. And then he could answer that. No, he's not okay. Yeah. But that's the norm. Yes. Nick, are you having a blue day?

Because I can relate. Just go ahead. I feel fine. Yeah. See, I told you. It's kind of the baseline. Everything you said was accurate, except I don't actually like Shakespeare. There you go.

Right. He's more of a chaucer guy. Yeah. Now, Nick, yeah, because Nick, I've also been hit with, I've been depressed lately, but I'm here to tell you, I haven't had sweets in about 48 hours, which is big for me. Yeah. And I haven't had alcohol. in like five days.

So the kids coming back. How are you doing with gratitude? Because when you say you're depressed, let's just lay a few things down here. I'd like to make some coaching changes. Some personnel changes. You got a lot of talent. You're very successful.

You're a good looking kid. You do have a skin tag. Imperfections happen. I have a skin tag on my island. Yeah. You were put together with spare parts from God's garage. But that is. But that is what makes you hilarious.

Right. Because with the face that you have, you're not supposed to be as funny as you are. Right. So not only did you get a good face, but you can wear baggy clothing and hide the weird body. Yeah, it's what it is. And your feet are deformed. I defour me. Well, my feet are, I think they gave me the same feet.

What God did is he just put the left one on the right and the right one on the left. Yeah, I mean, he was just looking around going, what's left. Yeah, what's up. Yeah. I can whip something up is what he said. It was the end of the day. Yeah, he's whipped something. up. You know when you go in the refrigerator, my dad used to sometimes make spaghetti with yogurt

because that was always in the fridge and he made it. It's just what was left. Yeah. Yeah. And God just put it together. Yeah. But you got a lot of positive things going for you. You got a beautiful family. You got a beautiful house. Have you started the day thinking about the things that you have as opposed to your addiction, which takes over and says, let's go get some stuff. We don't need. Yeah. Like, so I, I have, what I did today is I let the feet settle onto the floor. I took, I did this. Which they can't fully do because your foot is shaped like a heel, so you can't get the middle of the foot on the ground. My foot, yeah, because my second toe, because my toes go like this, so my second toe never actually has hit the floor ever unless I take it off and push it down. And so it just automatically, so I'm a little bit off balance to begin with.

So I literally, the way that I have physically been constructed is I am designed to be off the beam. Yeah. Because my middle toe, my second toe can't hit the beam unless I physically. push it there. Right, right. So I'm designed to be off the beam. So that's my homeostasis. That's my bounce. So what I did though is today is I took a big deep breath in, hold, and I came down and I settled, and I did that five times. I did that five times, but on the fifth one, I breathe in a little bit too hard and I got nervous and I almost passed out. Do you know, I just had a visual of your life and it made me laugh while you're talking. Do you know how, when you watch Garbage Men,

when they're really in a rush they want to get back to like a football game or whatever. I want to shout out to DSNY. Yeah, with the DSMY. So the DSMY guys who are listening can relate. They hop off the truck and they run and they get the garbage and the truck keeps going

and they got to run to catch the truck. That's you with the beam. Yeah. You're constantly chasing the truck. The beam is trying to hang on. Yeah. Try to hang on and I get it and then I got to step off it

and then I've got to run after. Right, right. But so and so, you know, but what I've realized, cause is this. Yeah. What I realize is this, and this is, you know, beamcast, this is what I want to say to my friends, is that if you try to take a deep breath in, take a deep breath in, and hold

it, what's going to happen? You're going to die because you can't breathe. The only way to live is to breathe. You have to breathe. So what do you have to do there for? Let go of your breath. The only way to live a good life is to let go. Yeah.

So you have to just let go. And I learned that in Frozen. I actually have a... Yeah, because right now we're just learning lessons from children's shows. That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. I actually want to give a serious, earnest piece of advice to everyone. I think everyone can benefit from what I do.

Yeah. I take 10 seconds every day. I thought you were going to say 10 milligrams of Zoloft. I take 5 milligrams of Alexa Pro. I thought you were going to say that. Yeah, 5 grams of Lexapro. It's got to be a low dose, enough to give me a little space for myself. Yeah.

And also low enough that I can feel my penis head. It's just what it is. Because what happens when you go a little higher is you just can't feel your penis head. But that might work in my favor. It might work in your favor because I am all for you getting a little low dose. I may start putting it in your food. Now, because, but let me ask you a question. I might start crushing up some of mine and put them in your omelets.

The thing that I'm nervous about is what happens, though, if does it, is there, can it possibly cause weight gain? Because your boy has gotten himself back up to 227. And I'm back up to 217. It's just what it is. Yeah, we're two guys that shouldn't be able to be eligible to fight each other. at the heavyweight class, but we are. Yeah. Um, no, I don't think it is weight gain. I, I, I, because I've been on it and, and you've gained some weight. No, but I've, I've been

fat off it too. Right. I'm just an eater. Yeah. I got the heart of a fat kid. Right. It's what it is. So, okay. My heart looks like Stavros does on the outside. Right. Yeah. So it's just what it is. So, okay, so that's good to know. So maybe I'll get on that because it is trying to get to the point now where the stress is getting to me where I've grown a skin tag on my eyelid. So that's just what's happened. So, but it does go to show you that you can have all the things, like you said, you know, you gave me some nice compliments. I appreciate, but it doesn't matter because we are living.

Our lives is the reality that we see and the reality that we feel it doesn't matter what others think. It matters what's inside here. Yeah. Yeah. And if what's inside here is not okay, then you're not okay. Yeah. Then what's projected out isn't okay.

But maybe you just got to start with gratitude and take text. That's what I forgot to say. I take 10 seconds, and this is a true thing that I do, and it works. And I'm telling you, I think it rewires your nervous system. Okay. Take 10 seconds a day, deep breath, and on the way out, on the exhale, I just say in my head, I choose peace. I choose peace. 10 seconds a day, I choose peace.

You can fart while you do it if you want. And it's just the words, I choose peace, the exhale, see, the exhale activates your parasympathetic nervous system. It stimulates your vagus nerve. the words I choose peace. Pat get the hell out of here. Yeah. Oh, I thought. When I'm choosing peace, I can't be looking at a Lebanese. Put him in the closet. Pat said he thought he heard I choose to be a piece. So he came in. And I think that works. Yeah, you got a lot going for you. I think if you started reframing a lot of stuff when you woke up and did gratitude and started thinking about the things that you do have, you got your health. Yeah. You got Lynn Light and Candles.

Yeah. Yeah, I got my mom. You got your ma. You got daytime Tony. Yeah. You got you I got my beautiful kids. You got your beautiful kids. You got your wife. Yeah. Yeah. A common law or whatever's going on. Yeah.

You got a beautiful house. You got a beautiful career. You've achieved already everything you've set out to achieve. Yeah. You're a division three. Nobody cares fucking basketball star. I mean, when you go to St. Joe's, because you are on it in the Hall of Fame, which is on a piece of oyster tag. It's what it is.

I make the- They have his picture on a piece of colored Oster tag. I was inducted into the school's Hall of Fame and I was wearing sweatpants. and my basketball sneakers. You are a fucking legend in white basketball division three. So you've done everything. It goes back to what we say

here on a weekly basis. Hope is my hedge. Facts are my proof. I'm already winning. Yeah. If you just found a way to calm that anxiety down, I mean, you're just a kid who can enjoy every moment of life because you see life in a very funny way. Yeah. Yeah, you don't take things

too seriously. No, normally I don't. But then what happens is I don't take things too seriously. things switch. Things switch. And then, but the problem is when I'm sitting down alone with my thoughts at night, and I'm like, oh, I was having so much fun today. And then the wall start to close in because I'm saying, what the hell did I do? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I just think, that's just okay. That's just who I am. Things change a lot at 40. Yeah. I'm 41 now. Carl Jung, the great psychologist said your life really begins at 40. So I'm hoping that my life is beginning with a third eye. Yeah.

And when I say third eye, I mean, a skin tag on my eyelid. Yeah, yeah. And listen, I mean, you know, for. Royd was right about a lot of things, but if you currently can't, you know, get into anything that a Jewish person said because you're into free Palestine, go to Carl Young. He's not a Jew. So you can believe what he says. I don't know which one to do.

Do we do free Palestine? Is it free Iran? Is it which one is it? Where do we up to now? Is it free the Somalians? Is it down with ice? Which one is it? Let's get Mark Ruffalo on the phone and find out what is good because he probably wore a couple of pins.

I didn't wear the golden globes yesterday. It was just very funny to me that yesterday there was a self-congratulatory Hollywood ceremony happening while outside there was anti-Iatollah protests going and a U-Haul just running through protesters. It was very funny to me

that Wanda Sykes got up there and was like, you know, wanted to get on Ricky Jervais because that's what everyone's doing now. Comics are going after each other because everyone's desperate, everyone's mad. Wanda Sykes went after Ricky Jervais for real? She went out of Ricky Jolays a little bit And she wanted to give one to God,

I want to take this award on behalf of the trans community because, you know, supposedly Ricky Jervais is a transphobe, which he's not probably. But it was just funny to me that all these, like, all major... They believe Hollywood problems are happening while, like, massive revolutions are happening in two of the most major economies in the country.

Yeah. It just made me want to say to Hollywood, like, it's just fun to watch the bubble that they live in. Yeah, it would be fun if, imagine, like, she's making that speech in the U. Hall truck drove to the back of the award ceremony. Yeah. That would have been hilarious.

That would have been funny. And it's like, Ricky Jervais isn't a homophob just because one time he said, I don't want any lady dicks around me. Yeah. The thing is, I respect if you want to have a lady dick. I just don't want it on my arm. Yeah, it's just it. That's all. It's just, I mean, the kids making jokes.

I mean, you know, there's a lot bigger transphobes out there than Ricky Jervais. Yeah. I mean, the guys win an award. Do we have to do the, does it have to, do we have to bring in an issue? Just give me a fucking award. He's a comedian. Why don't, I feel like these people. should, instead of doing national issues, they should take that platform to do, like, a personal

issue to them. Like, you know, like, really talk shit about your neighbor that no one's ever heard of. You know what I mean? Well, yeah, I mean, they just have this thing in their head that there's this war against the community, the LGBT community, because Trump's in office. But I just, if anything, there's just a war on Somalians who have Medicaid right now. That's all it is. I never hear Trump going after any gays. But when you talk to the gays, they're like, we're being, they're just taking. We're being attacked. Nothing has been attacked. No.

Nothing has been attacked. No. Am I wrong? No. I know I'm going to get shit in the comments. No. But has anything, has gay marriage been repealed? No.

Has anything bad happening? No. Is there anything bad happening that wasn't happening during the Biden administration? No. To the gay community. No. It's just all people are just, they like to follow narratives because people want to see their own reality. So I'm not wrong.

You're not wrong because your shirt is tied around your arms. Just because I got big fucking arms. Yeah, cuz. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, because now we are potentially... We should put that part on Patreon because I could be wrong.

Yeah, because the thing is you could be wrong. And it's also we got to be careful because we got to put... Protect stuff and put stuff on Patreon because you don't want to get yelled up for your wife again. So I'm used to it. So I don't care. Yeah. But now, because we are potentially people... Now, here's the thing.

People say we're on the verge of a civil war. But the truth is we're not. Okay? We're not. You know what it is? Every generation thinks that they're living in the worst time to be alive and they think they're living in some radical change. Nobody ever says, oh, I'm living at such a peaceful time. Everybody always thinks, oh, my God.

In the 1500s, people are saying the world's going to end. And it's like it didn't. So I think we're okay. But in the spirit of civil war, I wanted to talk about a little guy named Robert E. Lee. And on paper, he sounds Chinese. But he's not. That's a point that I never. even thought of.

Robert E. Lee. He does sound like a Chinese general, right? Because you could get nervous and say I want to want General Robert E. Lee invading the United States. Yes. Because we might because that's the thing General Robert E. Lee, the head of the Confederate Army, did invade the United States even though he was part of this because the Civil War, he was against us. But we could also get invaded by the Chinese Robert E. Lee

of current time. Right. If two guys walked into a room and one was named Robert E. Lee and the other guy was named John Chan, I would think that there was two Chinese guys who were. If I put a picture of Xi Zhang Ping and Robert E. Lee, and I said, which one's name is Robert Lee, you would have a tough time. You would have a tough time. You would probably pick Xi Jinping. Yeah, I mean, the Chinese guys just took a couple of American names and they ran with them. Lee's one of them. You got Chan, you got Chang. It's just, Wang. Yeah. There's four names you pick from. It's just what it is. Yeah. Because their real names are just like, you got to draw pictures to say

their real names. It's just like a house of stick, a bird. It's what it is. A lot of time for Chinese names, I just have to ask my daughter to write it out. Yeah. Pre-K, I say, honey, just, you know? Yeah, get the name down. They just, they really complicated, right? Now, because the way I go pewing big for the Revolutionary War, you go pewing big for the Civil War.

Big. The timer stopped. Yeah, it was, I go big. I mean, do you think that this studio has Wi-Fi issues? Because truly, I'm being honest with you, do you think because the people who work here on the outside are so fat that they constantly knock off the Wi-Fi? when they walk back and forth. 100%. Because I don't know why this Wi-Fi

constantly goes out currently in the studio. And I wonder if it's got something to do with the people, the two people who run are combined 800 pairs. 100%. 100%. Because when the girl was here,

the intern girl, the black girl who was a piece, that girl was, she was light and beautiful and we never had Wi-Fi issues. 100%. And it's not a coincidence every time I see Pat walk by,

it knocks out. It knocks out, yeah. And every time Chris comes here, I mean, it just shakes. Yeah, it's just, what it is because maybe they're trying to connect the router and they have marineros salts on their fingers. Yeah, unfortunately

we're just going to have to call him Richter Scale Italia. That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. He's just, he's the kids a planet. Yeah, I mean, so of course the Wi-Fi just went out, but what do we know? Because we are the chat GPT sluts, as you know, the Grock guys. But

Robert E. Lee, what I found fascinating about Robert E. Lee, because I know you know a lot about him because you're a Civil War cutie, but is his father, Henry Lightfoot Lee, was a revolutionary war general. He was one of George Washington's favorite generals, and Lightfoot Lee fought in the Revolutionary War when he was like in his 20s, and then he only had Robert E. Lee when he was in his 50s. So Robert, and the Lightfoot Lee died when Robert E. Lee was 11, but Robert E. Lee had a father

who fought in the Revolutionary War. But what happened with Lightfoot Lee is Robert E. Lee would always hear about the war stories, and he was like a famous, famous guy for being this Revolutionary War General. But he died penniless. and in a debtor's prison. His whole life got screwed up lifefully. He went into bad land deals and he got thrown into prison. He owed a lot of people, a lot of money. So Robert E. Lee took that as, I have to defend my family's honor and I have to win

my family's honor back. So even though Robert E. Lee went to West Point, had a revolutionary war father. He actually winds up heading the Confederate South, which detracts from the actual United States. But he did it because he was all about honor. So Robert Lee said, my honor lies with my state, the state of Virginia. Yeah. And that is why I'm fighting for the Confederacy, even though Robert Lee knew that slavery was bad, Robert Lee wasn't all about having slaves.

Right. He understood the problem with it, but he said, when it comes down to it, I have to fight with Virginia because did you know President Lincoln asked Robert Lee to command the union truth first? Because he was the best general of them all. That's the funny thing is all these guys knew each other. They all went to West Point. West Point together.

They all knew each other. And then he just picked sides. Robert Lee's dad's name was Lightfoot So we can probably assume his downfall had to do with a little bit of alcohol Yeah You know because that if he had a little Native American blood that takes them down Yeah and not to be confused not to be confused with Yanni's nickname Light and the Lofus

Lighten the Lofus Yeah So that probably took him down And his dad was 50 when he had him So that just means one thing. And you're hearing it first on history hyenas. That means Robert Lee was autistic. It's just what it is.

That's probably why he picked the side that he picked because of some autistic reason, counting things or whatever. Do you think when they asked Robert E. Lee, when they would say, sir, you have one night to choose. It's going to be the north of the south. He went like this? Yeah, I think you started doing that.

He started stimming. He started stimming. He started stimming. Yeah, he started. And he just picked the south? Yeah, because, you know, the research shows that for some reason people who are older and have kids, it's like they have more of an autistic kid. Now, you're a 50-year-old kid, which is great, because the sperm still swims big.

Yeah. The sperm still swings big. So now what are you going to do if you get one past a goal and you have a kid? Are you just going to assume it's autistic? Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to assume that one's autistic. In fact, that's why we shouldn't have another one because the next one's definitely coming out for X. Yeah, it's just what it is.

Yeah, it's just what it is. you gotta just start doing it in the butt. Yeah. You gotta do it. Which is a little loophole that the Mormons like to do and I think I think the muzzies like to do that too.

Because they're hardcore Christians do that. They say they're virgins in the puss. Because we are going to do an episode on Rum Springer, big. Big. Because I find it fascinating. The Amish Rum Springer is fun. Fun.

Where you can just go out and like shoot crank into your dick. Yeah. Ben girls in the ass. Yeah. And then you just go back and just become a Amish kid who churns butter.

Yeah, I was going to say it's hard to. to like be out on the streets doing fentanyl and then come back and you're peeling corn. It's hard to do, but they do it. They do it. They get it all out of their system on a rum spring and it's totally like what they're supposed to do, which is interesting. Yeah, and we're going to have more after Robert Ely, right after this ad from who cares.

Yeah. Because I got myself a Mongolian cashmere fisherman pullover hoodie. I'm a type of kid. I'm not a button down kid anymore. I like something a little fitted. And in the winter, the wool, the cashmere is nice, high quality. Quince, thank you. Thank you, Quince, because I was getting a little nervous there, because I thought you weren't going to say after you got yourself a Mongolian. I thought it was going to

end there, but I'm happy he said cashmere sweater because you know me, I love Quince. My jacket, this jacket, I have, look. Yeah, Quince. Look at that, baby. Look at that. Quince. Love it. I wear their stuff all the time. Great quality. I would say three of my favorite sweaters are all quints. My winter jacket quints, quints, my jeans quints. They really do have Some of the, this is it. This is the responsible downhooded pocket. That's exactly what I'm wearing. It's cute.

And it's cute, A-F. I love Quince. And by cutting out the middleman, then the traditional markups, Quince gets you a great price. These jackets, this jacket costs $200. It's North Face. It'd be $500. Absolutely. So they really do a good job, cutting out the middleman, getting you quality clothes for a very good price.

I really can't recommend Quince enough. Go peruse the website for yourself. And as always, you know, if you're a fan of this show, you're going to get yourself a nice little discy. Yeah, give us a discount. What's the code, Jesse? Where can we go? Refresh your winter wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash hyenas for free.

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Advil, the official pain relief partner of the NFL. Ask your pharmacist at this product's rate for you. Always read and follow the label. com slash hajinas. Yeah. It's interesting to think that these guys all knew each other and the Civil War. You had brothers fighting against brothers. They picked sides.

Yeah. Especially right there. What's interesting to me is back then travel was so much harder and took longer. So like when you looked across the river from Virginia to D.C., that's what separated the south and the north. Like Robert Lee's crib was right across the river from D.C. Yeah. And D.C. was the north. and Virginia was his house. He could see, Robert Lee

from his actual house could see the capital. Yeah, I mean, people used to have their vacation homes in Brooklyn who lived in Manhattan. Isn't that wild? So that was like going to the country. Well, you know what? It was the Civil War from 1861 to 1865. A lot of people say it was our only civil war, but really we had the Civil War,

the Revolutionary War was also a civil war because you had the loyalists, you know, who were loyal to the crown, but American citizens fighting against the Patriots who wanted to rebel. So it's always, there's always been a little bit of infighting in the United States, as there is right now, there's always a little bit infighting. But I think the civil war happened into an actual full-scale war because of geography. It would be very hard to have a

battle today in civil war because we're all living amongst each other. Like, right? There's no geographical dividing line like there was back then. Right. We're not going to have a civil war based on any big issue like slavery or something. We're not going to have a civil war at all. With that being said, if I... Being said, if you want to choose size, if it happens, you're going to want to go to the right because they are more armed. They have the guns. And I will say this, I would be in favor of invading and eliminating Minnesota. You just want it gone. There's just too much stuff going on in Minnesota.

Yeah, it just keeps popping up. I mean, it goes to the protests, to the daycares, to the Tim Walton. Just get Minnesota out of here. Just, you're done with it. I would like, I have no problem getting rid of Minnesota. And I like the city of Minneapolis. I like performing now. Yeah.

I'm okay if it goes. So what? We lose some fucking lakes. Yeah. I don't care. So then we'll do a little bit less ice skating. Yeah, you've had enough for the Twin Cities. I've had enough of Minnesota. Yeah.

Okay? I have enough. Give me the Twin Towers back. Right. Take the Twin Cities. Yeah. Just Indiana Pacers join the Canadian League. I don't care at all. The Minnesota, there's just too much problems there. And we don't need. I don't know what it serves. Yeah. So what? You know, lose some lakes, lose some trees.

Yeah, yeah. I know there's probably people on the podcast who are from Minnesota so you can stay. Yeah. If you can show me an active Patreon membership, then you can you. you can stay. Yes. But other than that, you're out of here, Minnesota. Yeah, Minnesota's really been just a powder keg. Minnesota and Oregon can go.

It can go big. Portland? Oregon can stay, but the city of Portland and the whole state of Minnesota, you can go. And while we're at it, can we throw Seattle into that as well? Throw it out there. Like I've been saying for six months, and I think I'll be proven right. Eventually, you know, time will tell.

Go back to the original 13 colonies. Just go back to the original one three. We have to. And Florida, because I like Miami. There's just got to be a way to let everyone know that you need some level of patriotism. Yes. You have to like and defend the place that you live. You can't, you know, we've gotten to this point of the paradox tolerance and sort of like this, you know, where free speech goes all the way.

It's great to critique constantly. but also like can you just appreciate the fact that you can go to 7-11? Yeah. Can you appreciate the fact that you got an iPhone? Come on.

I'm not saying don't be a commie. You can be a commie but can you at least have a sense of humor about the fact that you're a commie with an iPhone? Yeah. Can you just have a sense of humor about that? Yeah. You're a commie with an iPhone.

If you're the chick, the commie chick that Mom Dami elected to be the defendant, can you just have a little bit of a sense of humor that your mom lives in a $1.6 million house in Nashville? Yeah. Can you have a sense of humor

Just laugh about it, honey. Can you just laugh about the fact that you call property ownership, white supremacy, and then look in the mirror and see that you're as white as snow? Yeah. Can you have some fun with that in your own head? A giggle at least. Yeah, Eric Adams, Eric Adams' response. He sees his response. He went, yo, fuck that.

Yeah. That was his response, former mayor of New York. Yeah. Yeah. Can you just say, if I'm going to say that, it would be funny for me to go to a black family's house who owns their house and say that to them with a straight face. Can you just have fun with the idea of you going to a black family and telling them that their house is a form of white supremacism? Just have fun. Just have a giggle about it.

Have a giggy figure. I don't mind what you say. I don't mind what you believe. But what's happened? We've lost this sense of humor about it. Now, here's the thing. Mamm Dhani, Mayor's Oren, Mom Dani is the new mayor of New York City. So I know if you're not living in New York City, this may mean nothing to you.

But just, I'm telling you, we have a new mayor here. Things are getting wild in our city. but I do miss our old mayor's name was Eric Adams. He was a black guy. He was actually a guest on history hyenas during the First Reich, and I found something. Mayor Eric Adams' top ten things that he said. These are all real things that he said,

and it makes me miss this guy. He's only been gone three weeks, and I miss him. So he said, all my haters become my waiters when I sit down at the table of success. I love it. So put that in the beamcast. All my haters become my waiters when I sit down at the table of success. That's a good one.

Then he goes deep down. I think I must be a little bit Dominican. That's a good life. Then he said, I am Gandhi like. I think like Gandhi. I act like Gandhi. I want to be like Gandhi. Then he said when the mayor has swagger, the city has swagger.

That's truth? Ain't wrong. Then he goes, I am the mayor. This is the city of nightlife. I must test a product. This guy is the best. Then he goes, I don't know what to do without my incense, my candles, my bubble baths, and my roses. Then he said, we can talk about erectile dysfunction, but not clitorial.

stimulation, something's wrong. Something is just wrong. And that's it back. Then he goes, if he wants to participate in a circus, that's fine. I'm just not buying the tickets. Well said. That's a good one. Then he goes, lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of the sheep. That's true. Not his, yeah. But then he said, I wake up in the morning sometimes and I look at myself and give myself the finger. Here's some more. Isn't he a 10 out of 10? 10 out of 10. He said, I'm the Biden of Brooklyn. When you raise your pants, you raise your character. Pick those pants up, young man. Yeah.

If you don't educate, you will incarcerate. That's a good one. Yeah. These are good. I like this guy. I am the pilot and you are all passengers. Pray for me to land the plane because there's no parachute in this plane and we're all going down together. At least he has some self-awareness that he's not a white pilot.

It's what it is. And Yanni being agreed, this is why Yanni moved out of his hometown of Brooklyn because Eric Adams said Brooklyn is the Istanbul of America. So Yanni said, I'm out of here. He often substituted the world cities like Athens, Tel Avivian, Mexico on pest control. Everyone that knows me knows one thing. I hate rats. Yeah.

Because, yeah. Isn't this better than someone than a mayor talking about property as collectivism or whatever he's saying? Like, don't you, I want this guy. Just like Obama, dude. Obama, I don't know what the hell he was doing or not doing. He was just funny at Swagger. Life was a little easier back that. Yeah, I love being a comedian and being able to watch the circus at.

George Carlin said, you're just not going to buy the tickets. I don't buy the tickets. I watch the circus. I think it's the duty of a comedian to not buy the ticket and watch the circus. Yeah. And for me,

Mamdami so far has been fun to watch because he's clearly like a rookie. Yeah. Right? So it's like you remember when Kobe got into league? He could end up becoming Kobe. Sure. But you remember when Kobe got into league?

He was just 18. He was shooting air balls. Yeah. He was just in over his head. Yeah. And it's just, to me, it just seems like he's got an administration full of college kids. Yeah. And they're coming in and he's got this chick who's tweeting about property being white supremacy.

And then the next thing you know, the whole media goes, who's this chick? They go look through all her stuff and they go to her house and she starts crying. Yeah. Did you see her cry? I saw her cry. Yeah. And then people on Twitter going, uh, what are you doing? Why are you harassing?

It's like they're not, that's the media showing up talking. to a government official. This is New York City, babe. If you can't keep cool like Eli Manning, then you don't belong here. This is a place where there's a lot of media scrutiny, sweetheart. Welcome to the party. I want the fans to start a counter to see what, who does what more. Do I flex my pecks more or does Yonis run his hand through his hair more? Yeah, what do we do? Yonis runs his hand through his hair every five seconds and then it makes me flex my pecks. Because I'm a little subconscious because I didn't put any hair powder in it. But you look good with a, you look good today.

Yeah? You're a handsome kid. You got bed in a tight shirt. Yeah, I think I'm having a little bit of a glow up. You are having a bit of a glow up. And here's what I want. And I want the fans to get behind us on this. What we're going to start to do is with Sergio Chacon.

Yonis and I are going to start training a couple of times a week and we'll film it. We want you to follow the weight loss journey with us. Yani and I both want to be down 15 pounds because we're both roughly 15 pounds. cute. We want to be 15 pounds lighter by April 15th. Tax day. That right? Should we? Sure. 15 pounds down by April 15th. It's January 12th. So hold on. Yeah. It's January 12th or something right now. Sure. That's what I want. Should we do that? I'd love to get down 15 pounds. Let's do 15 pounds by April 15th. That is the thing. And we're all in on the challenge and you go and how do we involve Nick? What should Nick be? Nick? I don't know what his body type is. Do you work out, do you exercise at all,

Nick? I go for walks. Sometimes I do squats, but I haven't done in a long time, so I got to stretch and I got to get back into it. Do you know what I think? How old are you, Nick, by the way? 43. Okay. Do you know what I think will help a lot with your anxiety? Exercise. Yeah, I go for walks all the time. I think we need a little bit more than the walking. Help me. What do I do? I think you need to go to the gym. I want you to grab some dumbbells. You can start with the Suzanne Summer ones. Yeah. Get the pink ones. Yeah. Start with some curls. and then we want to get you in. I wish Sergio would take you, but Sergio does not give discounts. Yeah, Sergio doesn't give discounts.

And Sergio's also been the last couple of weeks in a bad mood where you just, you're going to get punch in the face. Yeah. It's like, Janice and I both pay Sergio a lot of money to get hurt. Yeah. That's what we pay for. We do. Yeah. Boxing is good.

Maybe what if I wear my Che Guevara shirt? Will he give me a discount? Then he might. He might get it. Actually, that would be the way to approach him. Yeah. that would be the way to approach him and be like hey man let's can we do this outside of the

capitalist let's be honest we're all we're four men in here that most likely would go to a gym and we would do things in the woman's part of the gym we would do better in a lucille roberts than we would in a new york sports club right if we're being honest the four of us do women even when you and I are boxing he's giving us the woman's workout he's totally giving us the women's work out you know we're warming up we're breathing yeah we're doing deep squats

a body weight everything is body weight yes right it's the he he he he's he he he's he he he he's for us as what he does with his female client. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because then when you see him hit the bag, if you go to his Instagram and see him hit the bag when he's by himself. Yeah. And then when I spar with him, I go, oh, he's, he's, that's what he could do to me. Sure. But he's giving me a woman version of it. There's, and I know there's times where Sergio thinks, because he just goes right into that woman's workout, because there have been times where he slipped and his brain has thought he's

training a woman because I remember one time I was doing a lunge and he said, you got a nice ass, ma. So, and then he snapped itself. He's like, my bad, my baby was like, you know, he was like, I'm just saying you flexible. So sometimes he forgets that, you know, I'm not a girl. Yeah. Cus, tell me, tell me. I'm going to tell you, Cous.

Tell me about Robert E. Lee. Robert E. Lee, the head of the Confederate Army, the Confederate States of America, who wound up losing the Civil War, Robert E. Lee. Still got a lot of statues, though. Still got a lot of statues. Robert E. Lee, actually, he was just fighting to defend Virginia. Yes, it was on the wrong side of history.

But if we're talking about who was the best general, then the answer is Robert E. Lee. Right. And actually, you know, it's very interesting is the way that Robert E. Lee would fight and told the Confederate Army to fight, they had a lot of, because the Confederate Army was way outnumbered, but they were better soldiers.

And they had a lot of guerrilla warfare. They were charged with the cavalry. They would inform columns. Guerrilla attack, retreat. He learned that from his father, General Lightfoot Lee, who perfected that to, technique in the Revolutionary War to repel the British. That's why General George Washington liked Robert Lee's father so much. So it's very ironic to me that all the things Robert E. Lee learned

were from a father who was there to get America's independence and then he had a son who was trying to take it away. Right. It's very interesting. Yeah, they were just going, hey, we don't want to be a part of this union. We want to separate and we want our state to be, we want all these states to unify and make another country. And, you know, with hindsight, you can just say... What about with Heinz ketchup? With Heinz ketchup and hindsight, I think you strip away all the details, you strip away all the historical analysis.

Strip me like a Reese's peanut buttercup. Take the wrapper off. Take the wrapper off me like a racist peanut buttercup. Because I know something good's in there. Yeah, because you know something's good in there. Have you said that to anybody? I have. Yeah.

And you strip away all that. Yeah. And you strip that all away with hindsight. I think we can clearly say, if you look at England and how they got rid of slavery, they didn't need to fight. They just all realized, all right, this is bad. Yeah. The kids here loved slavery so much. Yeah.

I mean, American kids just didn't want to part with it. Right. That they were willing to go to war. They were like, you can take anything, but you're not taking my slaves. Yeah. They just didn't want to let it go without a fight. Some people will argue that's because of our geography, because in the South is we have the perfect conditions to grow cotton and they felt they needed the slaves to pick the cotton. Now, obviously that's a little bullshit. But that is what people say is to that is the reason why. Now, here's the thing. Here's what I'll say about Robert E. Lee. He was always, it's sometimes people are born, they're destined to do what they're supposed to do. Because really, one of the ways that the Civil War kind of started, like one of the major first things that started propelling us was in the 1850s, a man. by the name of John Brown.

Okay, so John Brown, remember we went to visit him in Harper's Ferry, West Virginia. We're going to do an episode on him on Patreon eventually called Leaky Rooke. He kid out of Leaky Roof. We're starting a new, we're starting a new segment at patreon.com slash history hyena's called Leaky Roof, where we go throughout history and we show you people who are genuinely clinically insane.

Yeah. Some of them did good things. Some of them did bad things, but the thing they have in common is they were absolutely clinically insane and their roof was blown clean off. Yeah. So John Brown went the, The, in Harper's Ferry, West Virginia is where the United States had a big military depot. A lot of weapons were there, whatever.

And John Brown, who was a resident of Kansas, there's a thing and we'll get into it, maybe on the Patreon, a thing called Bleeding Kansas, where Kansas gets admitted into the United States as a state. And President Lincoln says, listen, I'm going to let you decide. You have slaves or don't have slaves. It's up to you. And so there was basically a civil war within Kansas. John Brown was a big part of it.

So John Brown is very. anti-slavery. He wants slavery abolished. White guy, you know, by the time he gets to Harpers Ferry, West Virginia in the late 1850s, he's gone crazy over it, right? And so he basically takes control. He kills some U.S. soldiers that were guarding this weapons depot in Harper's Ferry, West Virginia, and then he pulls himself up inside of it. And who is the, at the time, a completely unknown, man, I believe it was in his 30s, maybe, completely unknown, just happenstance, happened to be the general in charge of guarding that depot was Robert E. Lee. So Robert E. Lee, before the Civil War, years before the Civil War, goes and gets John Brown out of there. They have to hang him eventually

because he's, you know, it's treason. I mean, he basically went against the United States to try to take their weapons, so you got to die for that. And it was Robert E. And it was in that moment, Robert E. Lee said he knew he could see in John Brown's eyes. He was like, this country is going to go to war. And he was in his mind at that time thinking, he's going to be the general for the union. He was all about preserving the union, but when his home state of Virginia seceded, he felt he had no choice because to him it was state first,

then country. That's how it was back then. Yeah, Jefferson. Jefferson, States rights. He was Jefferson's right back. And because Jefferson, another guy from Virginia. Yeah. Yeah.

Another guy from Virginia. Yeah, we're going to tell you some more fun facts right after this, from Hello Fresh or wherever. Whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. He actually is quoted as saying, Robert E. Lee, slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil. See?

He wrote that in a letter to his wife. He also said, the blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa. So he didn't even want to send them back. No. His belief in white supremacy and gradualism was sort of... What is gradualism? Like, hey, let's gradually assimilate them.

Got it. Sort of like, let the whites figure it out for a hundred years. It's what it is. Yeah. Like... He was opposed to abolition, not slavery itself. So meaning that what, he didn't,

he didn't think that we should abolish it, but he also didn't think we should have slaves. So what did it stand for? Gradually. Gradually, he was you gradually, just let him go slow. Yeah, like you said in the last episode. Yeah. Yeah, just want to just let the...

Listen, guys, yeah. We're going to get there. We're going to get there. If you could just give the... Just for a few minutes, few years here, we're going to make everything right. Let us get some things in order, and then we'll call you guys in one by one.

It's kind of what he... It's just the principal. I can't have all you talking at the same time. It's just, hon, give us a minute. Yeah. Okay, we got the suits. We got the cigar pipes. We're going to figure this out.

We've heard you. Yeah. But I can't have everybody talk at the same time. Just go out there. Take a seat. Right. You pick a number. Right.

You're going to come in and we're going to get you what you want. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. It's actually, it's the same exact thing that Simone Boliviar belief.

From our last episode. Go check that out on YouTube and patreon. Literally the same belief. Yeah. Like, look, we're going to get there. just let us figure it out. So Robert E. Lee he opposes the secession

in theory. He doesn't agree with it, but he's kind of saying if Virginia's going, I'm going. I don't want, I wish it wasn't this way, baby gorgeous. But I got to go. And Lincoln, as we said, President Abraham Lincoln offered Lee command of the union forces, and Lee refused not right away. He thought about it. He said, let me think on this. And he thought about it

and he said it lies with Virginia. I got to go with VA. Right. And again, all decision shaped by his father falling out of favor in the public eye. He was saying, this is how I'll get back. So he was all this guy, because by the way, you think just because it was the 1860s, everybody was about duty and honor, but actually during those times, life that, those were old, old world ways to think. People were thinking more about living longer. They were thinking more about, hey, how do we be a little bit more eccentric and kind of, you know, they weren't so rigid in their beliefs, but he was just a rare wild card that he was. He was honor and duty and that's all that matter because of his pops.

So Grant, Ulysses S. Grant, who goes on to, you know, lead the union and to victory, he said he, you know, Robert E. Lee, this was about he needed, he needed to win to justify his case. And unfortunately, Robert Lee lost big. Unfortunately, you know, he was, they were, the, the South was the David against the Goliath. Yeah, but just didn't have the numbers. They didn't have the numbers, but do you know that the way that they were able to even keep this war up for four years? Like the very first battle, major battle of Manassas, the Union Army outnumbered the Southern Army like, I don't, a lot by thousands, but because Robert E. Lee was so brilliant and tactical that he was able to keep this thing going

for four years when it really should have only been over in a few months because of, dude, you have to think about just the north and the south. Even today, how many more people live in the north than the south? It's crazy. Yeah. I mean, New York City alone has nine million people just in the city. That's like two southern states. Yeah, and plus we were just getting immigrants coming over and then just handing them a rifle.

The Irish. Yeah, just go, just go. We had black regiments. I mean, there was a few black soldiers for the Confederacy, but we had, you know, we had the Massachusetts 54th, the famous Massachusetts. Black kids were fighting. We just, they couldn't, the Civil War was about two different economies, one that was antiquated and their way of life felt threatened.

They wanted to hold on to it, but baby gorgeous machines were here. This was the first AI takeover. Yes. They were going, the North was going like, we don't need human labor like that anymore. gorgeous. Yeah. Because listen now, Honey Bubbles, we got machines to do that. We got the cotton jinnie.

Yeah. You don't need to have slaves doing that. We have a little thing called the Gatling gun. There was the Gatling gun, the true atrocity of the Civil War is crazy because they had the automatic weapons. The Gatling gun, aka the devil's breath, was basically a rapid fire machine gun. And that's where you would kill. That's where all, you know, so many soldiers was just get laid out.

The way people were dying at a way that like, you know, never had been seen in history ever before. more Americans died in the civil war than all the other wars America has fought combined. Yeah, 700 Dow. And because everybody died who was an American. Yeah.

So that's one thing. But also it was just a lot of people. I mean, Gettysburg was, I mean, you and I went there and then you peed on the Confederate side of the battlefield. I had to do what I had to do. It's just what you did. You actually committed a federal crime? Or I would say no, you're peeing on the side of the enemy.

I was doing it for patriotism. Yeah. Yeah, I was doing it for patriotism. It was also one of the most vicious. and brutal wars because we didn't have anesthesia. Yeah. But we had artillery. So people were getting their legs blown off, and they just had to bite on a stick,

and they just poured whiskey on it. Most of the people died. A lot of people don't notice. A lot of, most of the soldiers died just from infection. Infection. They died of that. They died of dysentery. They died of disease killed a lot of people.

And you know, it's a quick little, because I just was in West Virginia this weekend. You know, there's a quick little fun fact about West Virginia? It's super fucking cute. And listen, if I was Robert Lee and I had to, choose to because I am the number one draft pick. I am Cooper flag. I am the best general. I understand looking back why he chose

Virginia because Virginia's just fucking super cute. It's soups Magout's cuties. And West... Winchester? I would... No, I was in Harper's Ferry. I was in Harper's Ferry like a Harper's... So Harper's Ferry

that's where I went there this weekend and I brought Jasmine and my children who are Puerto Rican and a man in West Virginia I swear to God came up to us at a diner and he comes up to me and goes, can I ask you a question? He goes, is you a beautiful wife Navajo? Yeah, she probably got upset about that, right?

Yeah, well, she got upset because as a joke and I got in trouble for this because I said it for other kids, I said, no, she's just a hoe. Lot of 14. But it was a joke. Like, I was obviously kidding. Yeah. And he laughed and walked away and I laughed thinking I was going to be

and they were all just looking at me like, you just called her a home. Yeah. I made a boo-bo. Yeah, but you made a good joke. I made a good joke and I've been paying for it for the last couple of days. Yeah. But so we all make sacrifices. Make sacrifices, but it's okay.

It was just joking. Love you. But it was just in the moment, you know. But fun fact I learned about West Virginia is that was a part of Virginia until the Civil War. It only became a state in 1863 in the middle of the Civil War because much, you know how President Trump has basically said Nicholas Maduro was not the rightful leader of Venezuela. Therefore, I don't need Congress's approval. I can just go in and take them because, you know, he goes around that loophole.

He basically found a loophole where he said he was, he's not the people's choice. So therefore, I don't recognize him as a, you know, leader of a government. So I can take it. President Lincoln did the same kind of thing with Virginia. When Virginia seceded from the union, they basically said we are, we're Confederate states. right, but there was a section of Virginia, the whole state of Virginia, the western half, that they formed their own government. And they were like, we don't agree with what Virginia is doing.

Like, we want to stay with the union. We don't have, you know, there was much more rural out there. They didn't really have as many slaves or as much agriculture going on. And they were just like we would rather stay with the union. So President Lincoln says, you know what? Actually, you're the real Virginia because you didn't succeed. I don't know what this Virginia that Robert Lee is. well, you don't know who they are. You're Virginia. So now I don't need anybody else's approval.

I'm going to make you a state. So you are now the sanctioned, the state of West Virginia. So these people started the civil war for the South, but then ended it in the North, if you lived in the western half of Virginia. Very, very interesting, why it became a state. Yeah, West Virginia is basically the South Korea of Virginia. Yes. It's what it is. Yeah. It's the South Korea of Virginia and the rest of Virginia was the North Korea. And Robert Lee was King Jungung, but his name was Robert E. Rhee. It's what it is. And I can tell you that all the Asian people in West Virginia were near me because I was doing a show at a casino. And it doesn't matter what state you're in, even if your state has no Asian people.

Yeah. They are Asians will find a casino. Yes. Yes. Now the situation gets interesting when you think about the soldiers that fought for the Confederacy because none of them had slaves. No. So it's like, I don't know. poor white men.

They were poor whites. I mean, you know how many, you know how few Americans actually could afford slaves? Almost nobody. It just lets you know that a lot of times these wars are just, they're just rich people defending their financial interests, sending these kids to die, and using some sort of propaganda or nationalism or ignorance to brainwash them and motivate them to do it. And that usually is fear, right? So I think the big propaganda.

at the time was, you know, Lincoln is a tyrant, federal overreach, our way of life. They're coming after sweet tea. They're coming after ribs. They're coming after our ham hawks. Yeah. They're coming after our sister fucking. Yeah. They don't want us to do that anymore.

Yeah. Yeah. Because otherwise, why would these kids be funny? It's just you have to do propaganda. Like when we found the Japanese, someone just figured out we got to call, we got to shorten that name and call them. Yeah. Yeah.

We got to come up with something called... There's just so... We have to do... To get these kids who have no skin in the game to go kill for us. Yeah. Really what we're there for in Korea is for Coca-Cola. Yeah. We want to be able to sell Coca-Cola.

Yeah. And it's like the kids don't know about. The kids don't care about this. So how do we motivate them? We go, oh, these guys... Yeah. Ladder 14. These guys are half...

They're aliens. Yeah. Their face is just crazy. Different. They're different. But they're not. But they're not. So they cause a problem.

So they cause a problem. Bleep all of that. Bleep at all. Put it on the Patreon. So they cause a little bit of an issue. And yeah. Because the thing is the economy was going away anyway. Right.

It's like it was going to end. It was like the South was just holding on. Like it was just these big slave owners, these big tobacco plantations and stuff that were just still making money. They were basically the oil industry of their day and they didn't want to let go. Like renewables are inevitable. We're going to run out of oil inevitably. But the oil companies are just holding on,

holding on because they're still making money. So these rich plantation owners just convinced all these young poor whites to go fight for them for a cause that was inevitable anyway. It didn't have to go this way. And you know what's ironic? Robert E. Lee, because of his fucking pride

and because Virginia was super cute, I think you can blamble. lame Virginia for being super cute for the reason why so many people died. Because if Robert Lee, like you aptly put, wasn't such a military genius, this war would have been over quick. A lot of boys wouldn't have died. Brothers wouldn't have had to fight brothers. It would have been a quick campaign. It would have been over. But Robert Lee was so good. He fought hard. And because he became the top guy, it probably inspired a lot of people to fight under him. But this was going away anyway because because the cotton jinny was here and we just didn't need the blacks to make the

cotton anymore. It's what it is. So you're basically saying Virginia, it's your fault. You little stop dressing like a slut. Exactly. Yeah. She was too cute because that's the reason why Robert E. Lee joined because of how cute fucking super cute Virginia was. Now here's the thing with Robert E. Lee. So they lose. Okay. Eventually they lose. They got to surrender at Appomattox courthouse. You know, Grant, the Ulysses S. Grant, the leader of the union, he allows Confederate soldiers. the kind of the dignity and defeat, which I think is the right move because these people, this is not a foreign nation. They're going to assimilate back into society so they're going to need something to do.

So Lee kind of turns, you know, he goes away with at least they have their honor. And then Lee urges he wants the reconciliation period. He says, let's get back together. Oops, messed up. Because I mean, theoretically because if the union, if Lincoln and those guys, I know Lincoln got killed, but if Andrew Johnson and who takes over for Lincoln after he gets killed, if they were different guys, they could have been. easily hung Robert Lee. They could have said, you're a traitor. We could kill all of you.

All of that rests on Lincoln's brilliance as a leader, right? That's what you do. When you defeat the enemy, you lift them up. And that's when you have success, because when you humiliate them, you get things like the Nazi party in Germany. Yeah. You got to go in there. You see that Europe punished Germany too hard. You look at the places that we punish and it just builds resentment, but you look at the places where we rebuilt like Japan and Germany. And then you make them allies. Yeah. So because John Wilkes Booth killed Lincoln, we got Andrew Johnson and Andrew Johnson wanted to punish the South. Yeah. And that's why we probably still have a lot of the problems we have today because Lincoln wanted to extend an arm. Yeah. Raise them up. Yeah. You know,

reconstruct. Hey, you're our friends. It's over. Good fight. Right. But Johnson came in and really punished the shit out of the South. I got to learn more about Andrew Johnson. Yeah. And that's really what got us in trouble. So thanks John Wolf's Booth. It was just John Wook's Booth was like one of these original fucking trolls. Yeah. Who just wanted the attention. He was an actor. Yeah. God. He was a

failed. Get him at the Golden Globes. Exactly. Fuck Trump. Shut up. You know, that's why you come to the hyenas. We know the fucking psychology, cousin. Because this kid was a fucking failed actor. Yeah. Who wanted the attention.

He did it at a theater. He jumped on the stage. Broke his leg like an asshole. Yeah. He said, so be it to all. tyrants they must go he gave a performance you know it was about him john wilkes both made it about him because he wanted the recognition he was the original fucking troll the original fucking serial killer these guys want attention oh so i'm gross if it wasn't if it if if lincoln was not killed i'm telling you this country would be in a better place right now yeah but it's not but unfortunately he died um he got shot in the head we will do more episode we'll do some stuff

on Andrew Johnson. John Wilkes Booth could be a good leaky roof candidate for the Patreon and then... Because actors are just crazy narcissists. Here's the thing with acting is I, you know, even though I'm saying... Sorry, sorry, Nick. Yes, even though I have a succumbent development. I am saying that yet

acting is, there's a degree of narcissism there, there's a degree of being in the echo chamber because at the end of the day, it's like, you know, you're just like, you know, I got to work with last week Steve Sharipa, you know, Bobby Bacala on the Sopranos, and Steve is such a great guy, because Steve said what I've always felt. He's, and Steve's an actor.

He was like, you know, acting is just, you know, like, he was like, I'm just, I'm memorizing and giving a little bit of life to things somebody else wrote. He was like the real, the real, he said the real heroes are the writers. Like, I'm just, I'm taking what they did. It's not that fucking hard guy. He also, I like Steve Sharper. He also kind of plays himself. Always, yeah.

Well, he played itself in the thing that I did. Yeah, yeah. He just, I mean, when you go, when you hire Steve Sharper, you're not saying, okay, now, We want you to be a Civil War era Virginia Confederate soldier. But that would be very funny if he did that. He's like, hey, guys, what are we doing here? Yeah. No, but Steve, but Steve.

Tony, what's going on? Steve and I were talking and it's like, you know, there's truth to that where it's like, yes, you respect it all. But it's like anytime I see an actor on his or her high horse, I'm like, guy, you're making believe you're somebody else. I mean, that's what my daughter does. My daughter's play dress-up every day after school. It's the same thing you fucking do it. Yeah. So which is fine, but just don't talk to me like you are the end-all-be-all.

Yeah, it's just their performative. Everything's performative. Because they don't really have a real self. That's why they're so good at performing as other people. And so that's when you hear them get up there and say their thing, you're like, this is a monologue. You're an actor. That's why I'm a bad actor because I'm real. Yeah.

It's like. And that's why Nick didn't succeed in acting because you're a real one, son. Yeah. I mean, but at the end of the day, let's be honest, there are some good actors like Daniel Day Lewis, Merrill Streep, Cape Blanchet, the list goes on. Sure. But if it's a job that Ice T. Ethan Hawke.

Yeah. Ethan Hawke. Yeah. But if it's a job that Ice T can fall into. Yeah. Or if a 10-year-old could get nominated for a gold of globe, then it's just not something. It's not a skill like being a surgeon. It's not a skill like being a podcaster.

It's not a skill. Yeah. But actually, this is a skill because we're doing. nothing but people are entertained you ever hear two actors do a podcast not good yeah it's not gonna be good it's not gonna be good yeah we know how to be entertaining all right guys robert e lee brilliant tactician deeply flawed moral character surprisingly not a chinese guy surprisingly not a chinese guy how did robert lee do we know how we died did he die in obscurity we don't know about robert lee's death yeah he kind of died a kind of a sad man right he also i think pretty much wore a woman's size six shoe the

kid was a squeak. The kid was a squeak. The kid was about the size of the skin tag on my eye. He was a tiny little squeak and I love looking at the pictures of him because I always looked at his feet and he has tiny feet. Yeah. Kid had a major stroke. He had a kid stroked out. So probably because the cholesterol was high, the blood pressure was high. He was also very depressed and he was very sad about the loss but also about kind of the guilt on his conscience for all the boys that died. And he kind of knew it was fought because like we said, he kind of. knew slavery was an immoral thing. He knew it was bad. So he was like, you know,

I think it was his pride that made him fight. And I think when you lose, I think there was that sort of awareness in him that like this was all for nothing. And all these boys are really my responsibility. Now his last words were strike the tent, which meant break camp

often interpreted symbolically as acceptance of death. So a lot of these guys who are generals, they're just like, they always have like last words that are really cool like this. You know what mean? How about, yeah, because Stonewall Jackson had a nice one. He was dying under the tree, and he was like half conscious. Andrew Stonewall Jackson is going to be good at you. Yeah, Stonewall Jackson and his last words were, oh my God, Bill Hader and Ali Wong broke up?

That's what he's. Can the news force, can the news force that down our throat to distract us? Sometimes I read the news and I go, nobody asked for this story. Yeah. People don't care. Yeah. I I mean, it's not a story. A couple broke up. Yeah. Why am I seeing this? It's because people consume it and it's stupid. Can you give us his last words?

Because it were fucking cool. Stonewall Jackson. Thomas Jackson. You know Stonewall Jackson lived in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn for a little while? He did? Did you know that? Did he go to a Moena Bakery? Yes.

Do you know there's the church right there by the water underneath the Vazana Bridge? Remember we saw it? Yes. He was the pastor there for a little while. Yeah. And Robert Lee was there. Yeah. George Washington actually was in Brooklyn for a little while.

And now there's a lot of people who look like There's Civil War soldiers walking around Williamsburg Yeah, well that's why I like to play that little game Called Hipster or History Yeah, so as he was dying, his words famously were Let us cross the river and rest under the shade of the tree Because he was seeing the light He saw the river, he saw the lake

Yeah, I mean, because what are your last words gonna be? My last words are you going to see, let me see those feet Yeah, let me see this, my last words to go back Please don't give jazz with my pass words All right, everybody That was Robert E. Lee. Go to patreon.com slash history hyenas

To hear more, see more We got a wild episode over there And as always We read the names, the newest members of the Patreon His last verse is going to be cut by credit cards Yeah, cut them in half Yeah

Or you're just going to say, I want to do-over! Do-over! Yeah Because you're going to get that big gold Do-over in the sky. Yeah, do you... You're going to be

rewarded. Do you think I'll know I'm in heaven if as soon as I get past those gates, there's just cookies and puss? Because yes! Yes! Yeah, because your Muslim heaven would just be black and white cookies and just infinite, infinite girls. Yeah, it's just what it is. My heaven's going to be infinite pizza

and infinite. I don't want to get in trouble again. Why did my wife start listening to the fucking show again? Yeah, that was a very funny text to get. Why are you listening to this? Because you're in heaven. It's just going to be feet all over your face just toes up your nose and that's how I know I'm going to look like that Greek priest in West you got caught with the girl's feet on his face it's just what it is the funniest thing ever yeah

the best pictures ever yeah all right so as always we go to patreon.com slash history and hyenas that's the way to join you get a part of the matriarchy you get all the extra bonus content you get the episodes early no bleeps no ads it's the way to go only five dollars a month you know it's a little bit of money you can do it and we have just the most fun out there and we read the newest members of the matriarchy here, and then we give them an award at the end. So without further ado, I want to welcome the newest members of the matriarchy.

And I just want to also say, I see a lot of people on Patreon complaining that their names haven't been read yet. You have to give a time. You could join in the not hearing name read for three, four months, because we get so many new members every week that this is the only way. So just stay calm, okay? If you haven't heard your name in like a year,

please write it, and we'll do an honorary read and we'll make sure, because sometimes, you know, things happen. Yeah, yeah. Just be patient. Okay, so starting off, Yanni's eyes, Michael Strayhan's teeth, plus Chrissy's tits. Equals what? Equals.

That's, that would have been. Yeah, so this is unfinished. Missing a punchline. Stephanie Jermada's gentrified grease ball, Gumar. Like it. That's a throwback to the Lady Gaga episode. Kicks Nara Hots. Okay.

Inwards forever. Okay. You got one walking. I love it, because you're a small. smart kid, but they really kick them right past what does that mean? Read it again. Kick Snara Hots? No, the other one. Inwards Forever? Yeah. Oh yeah.

That's what it is. What it is. Because you're just a backup goalie. It's just what it is. Just the backup goalie. Yeah, like the Rangers goalie the other day gave up 10 goals. That's me. That's you. Yeah. Get them by you. Yeah. Jack. Then we got Tim Walts' 's Hong Kong Honeypot. Drexler. Then we got

CBK, chucking frisbee since Poughkeepsie? A little bit of a walked into one. Yeah, a little bit of a walked into one that's dark. Yeah. Love our Jewish brothers and sisters. Then we got someone who says they're on Ding Patrol. It's another walked in one. Lad of 14.

It's kind of our fault. It's what it is. Yeah. P. Money 69. Asking three lady boys to crack me open and fill me up like ice cream and call it AIDS cream. Ladder 14. Drexler, Drexler. E Money.

Talor Deschital. She has to be spreading her salami on the interweb. Missy Bullets. Tom Auger. I saw Mom Donnie kissing Sandy Clause. Way song she ain't. That's a Drexler. Okay.

Okay. It's a good one. James Blah Blok. Melted 6. Hey, Dino. I made it on the H.H. podcast and it only cost me $5. Fuck you.

Hey, Dino. I like that. Yeah, hey, Dino. I like that. A.S. Schultz's Toilets Toilet's Toilet's Toilet's Toilet. Drexler Okay

Come on Chrissy D loves pee Yes true That's just a fact Andrea Did he turn Chrissy into Sissy

Okay Sidney Sweeney's Teeny weeny Hugo Boss All white bikini That'd be nice That would be nice Captain Jack

Abramoff's Somali daycare Okay Not a ding on paper But sunbath too much Okay Peter One

Knuckle deep In her shame cave coin flip call it I won your prison wallet prison wallet I think is when you stuff something up your ass right okay

all right okay famariano Rivera we've had that one uh benthic dick come in her snatch okay I'll accept a Benedict

Cumberbatch Good one good one The Mench with the stench Rabbi Fumely Okay Drexler catching two riders at a time down the Mateo HIV lane?

Way to the H-O-V lane. Yeah. I'm going to put that on the list. All right. That is inventive. Okay. Put a gas nozzle in my ass and fill me up regular. Put them on the list. See, you just get hot. Yeah, that's like baseball back-to-back. It's cold, but then two guys go back-to-back.

Ariana Grande's nutrition coach. Put them on the list. I mean, it's getting fingers now. Kanye's cousin ham candles and cock alchemy. Okay. Colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back. Another one on the list. I mean, it's just what it is.

You just never know. Forest Rooney. Soy sauce monkey, aka Eastern Hemmy, Steve Buscemi. That's a good one. It's a good bribe scheme. Ernesto Pada. Oh, that got me good.

Tim Dillon Backshott, a.k.a. Brown versus Horde of Caucasians. Pupole Lupole. Punk vomit. Andrew Mama. Took Somali, and I'm your captain now. Okay.

Liam Harrington, straight to the back of my throat. It's a chicken finger. Trevor Pimental. I'm a $3 Bill Frisbee. Friends call me juicy fruit. Ooh. Like J.E.W. Yeah, we're going to Drexler.

We're going to walk into it a little bit, but it's more of a Drexler. Not bad. D.D. Zell. W.T. Matt Conlin. Potato monkey squeak with a long skinny piece. Call me Mick Dagger. Put them on the list. Yeah. Mick Dagger. Wow.

Yeah. Inventive. Kevin Sarman. Danny a du rag is my glue rag He comes in his glue rag Yeah we get a chicken finger Good chicken finger Ben Jagger

Thomas Moser Japanese pirates at Perhaba Way song she ain't Put him on the list Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah What it is Pink eye Schmink eye let me nibble that stink wrinkle

Drexler Jackson Mitchell Kellan Henderson Jersey Ari Shafir 6 million overcooked chicken fingers. Oh, boy. He's on Key. Butch Cassidy and the crumbum kid.

Charlie C.A. Can't come unless my uncle wears his screen mask. I've had that. Yeah. Somewhere I've heard that one. Make no mistake. I can fix AOC with my freedom glue. Derek the Honduran. That's Monica Leroy.

Coming in your chimney, call me Santa. It's good. All right. You're going to Drexler. I'm also going to Drexler. The Freedom glue. Retroactive. I like freedom glue. Freedom glue's funny.

Jim Carrey ate my ass, so I call him dumb and domer. Okay. Oh, I, yeah. Jeffrey Dahmer. Wait, that's a good one. I'm going to Drexler. Drexler.

Yeah. Chrissy didn't learn it. He was... Okay. Tommy. Cocktimus Prime, transgender men in disguise. Lux.

Chrissy's dog, Howells because he fucks it. What it is? Radif 14. Drexler. Can we do a check? What do you mean? A Josephine check-in?

Yeah. How's it going? She's been in dog camp for the past week and a half. Why is that? Because I couldn't handle it so I needed a break. So we're getting her back in two weeks. How about you she she she's shelling out for dogs? Oh, it's just what it is.

It's about 4K. So it's just what it is. We need you go to Patreon.com. It's history. You know what I mean? I have a little thing called burden fatigue. I've got too many things on my pay. Right.

So it started, she started to act, she started to act like a Siberia. Because I'm in German, when they get on my nerves, I send you to camp. Lad of 14. So somebody's teaching her structure. Someone's just teaching her a real dog person trying to teach her. And then I said, just bring her back. We'll see if she handles it because I can't deal with this. M.M.

Right. Yeah, yeah. That was, I mean, that was, I mean, if you had that, you're not making any money because, you know, that was the over. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did I say that right? Yeah. What's the advantage, the one that you don't win a lot of money from?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if this was on Calci, people would go, it's going to get sent to dog camp at some point. Right. Yeah. If a fuzzy muzzy was a bear, then... Okay? Way song she... John Zors.

Venezuela isn't freed just under new management. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it makes a decent point for now. Daddy-like. Thought my Rican was a muzzy because it's brown, Rican, and fuzzy. The Gaza Strip, aka Frisbee Fortnite, Dakota Miller, Jacob DeMarco, Owen Gansy, Kyle Klein. My dad voted from Maldani.

Now I call him my mommy. Put him on the list. Put him on the list. Yes, Nick, earmuffs on that one. If my bug was any bigger, it would be a bigger chigger. Okay. Okay. Okay.

John Carlo Cusamano. Sauce monkey. Sauce monkey. Arrested by ICE for smuggling and extra chromes. so. Okay. I think both of my dads are gay. William, B. Secret Squirrel. Both of my dad, I think both of my dads are gay is going on the list. Yeah. It's a chicken finger, but it's one of those things where you go, okay, that's funny, yeah. B. Secret Squirrel. Tita, Sergio's, frostbitten grape juice fountain. Okay. Bruce Shealy,

egghead child care and C. Adventures LLC. Gary Leporty, Braden Gayer, Julia Wise. Then we got... I think we got enough. You think so? Yeah, I think we got enough, yeah. All right, I just thought to catch up.

You don't want to do... We got so many... We got so many... We got so many on the list. Okay, here we go. All right, so here's... See, this is the thing. What happens is the list starts out slow.

And then it picked up. And then all of a sudden, we literally had four out of five. And there's like eight to choose from now. So here we go. Bug catching, two riders. at a time down the Mateo HIV lane. Got to stick around for now. Put a gas nozzle in my ass and fill me up regular.

It's got to stick around for now. Ariana Grande's nutrition coach. Got to stick around. Wow. Colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back. We got to stick around. This is tough. Potato monkey squeak with a long skinny piece.

Call me Mick Dagger. Bless you. What do you guys think? I mean, if it wasn't, and if it's not in immediate, it's got to sit around them, we've got to take it off. Mick Dagger's great.

Great, though. Japanese pirates at Pearl Harbor Funny, simple though Simple What do you think? Drexler Yeah Pearl Harbor is funny

Funny though Yeah Want to get it out? Yeah It's just what The kids just got a new variant Yeah My dad voted for Mom Donnie

Now I call him my mommy We're gonna keep that around It's got to keep that around I think both of my dads are gay We're gonna Drexster that Okay But it's a goodie All right

So The list is be too Let me read out. We have five contenders. Let me read them all out. Bug catching two riders at a time down the Mateo HIV lane. Put a gas nozzle in my ass and fill me up regular. Ariana Grande's nutrition coach.

Colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back or my dad voted for Mom Dani. Now I call him my mommy. Okay. We're going to Drexler. We're going to Drexler the gas. Regular. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just it's just. It's just the way the list There's some better ones But you know You could have been a winner on another day That's what Drexler means Yeah

Okay Okay so then we got Bug catching two riders At a time down the Mateo HIV lane Okay because that one's a little inside You gotta know who Mateo Lane is Yeah

And he's a friend of the program He's a friend of the program We're gonna Drex flirt Although it's very funny Yeah It would be nice to have Mateo on Calling a gay guy's asshole The HIV lane

Instead of the HOV lane Is great Yeah What would be really funny I'd love to have Mateo on. And if we could do it next Monday, it would be really funny to have Mateo on

and talk about the Chicago Bears offense. That would be great. That would be funny. He's from Chicago and have him talk football. Yeah, and he's just like, what? If I'm not here to talk Carbinarra, I don't know what you're talking about.

He's like, all I want to talk about is Caleb Williams can fucking get it. Yeah, that's really all about it. Yeah, that would be a 10. Yeah. Or have Joey Kamaster come on and talk sports. Yeah, Joey Kamasters has got new hair plugs and he looks great.

Looks great. Ariana Grande's nutrition coach That one is so good We're going to keep it for now Keep it now, okay Colonoscopy is much cheaper When you push back We're keeping that for the funny factor

And then my dad voted from Mom Dani Now I call him my mom We're keeping that one for the funny fact So the final three are My dad voted for Mom Dani Now I call him my mommy Colonoscopy is much cheaper When you push back

Oriana Grande's nutrition coach Tough one You know why they're tough Because three of them are in categories That we've all had one similar You talk about Mom Dani a lot we have talked about Ariana Grande, the Fumariano Grande's, and we do talk about gay stuff with colonoscopies and all that. So this is difficult because usually one of them is something

more original and we go with that, but these are three hard ones. These are actually three ones that I wish had their own list. Because they all are winners in their own right. They're all winners. So for me, this is really tough. So what I'll say is what I think, my opinion is Momdani jokes now are becoming a little bit like Asian driver jokes. They can be done, but they have to be really original and hard. Calling him my mommy really, really actually I think is funny. Yeah. And relatively original, Momdani, Mommy.

Yeah. So I would vote for that one. But then I could also, but colonoscopies are much cheaper when you push back is also original. For me, the least one is Arienda Gronde's nutrition coach. Okay, so we're going to direct so that one. Are you in agreement with that? That's the least one. We're going to direct you that one.

So it's between colonoscopy is much cheaper when you push back or my dad voted for Mom Donnie. Now I call him my mommy. We know who Nick's going to vote for. Yeah. And, you know, it's just, it's kind of cruel to say that because Ariada Grasda is just not well. I mean, she actually looks like she's got out of a concentration camp. Yeah, she actually, it's not like it's really like she's like she's lost her all

attractiveness. It's gone. She just, she looks like she's having a mental breakdown. Her five years ago. Yeah. Was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. of my life. Yeah, I mean, she looked like a child, but yeah, she's a pretty child. That's why I said it. Yeah. She really looks like a child. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm kidding. She's a tiny little child.

She's a, yeah. So, I don't know. I don't know what to do with this. What do you like? Colenoscopy or Mom Donnie Mommy? I think colonoscopy is funnier because it's sillier, but I think Mom Dami calling Miami. The whole picture of that is very funny. Like the guy had a father who he respected. He thought he was a man and now he walks around and says, Hey, Mom, because of the way he voted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's just to me the winner. Why don't we get, I think we should get some insight. Let's get some midfrey from the stick and half the Jew.

Yeah, let's go. What are we got? Yeah, I'm going with Mondami. I think that's a clean, funny joke. It's been in the whole time. Yep, yep. Stick? I'm a Mandami mommy.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. So, Mom Dani, my dad. You were going to go with them, I'm just curious. I was going to go with Mom Dani. Wow, unanimous. Yeah. First ballot Hall of Fame.

First ballot hall of fame. my dad voted from I'm Donnie. Now I call him my mommy. You are the winner. Go to HistoryHahina's Back.com. History Aena's pod.com. So you name up in light. You have the PPW, the pseudal penis of the week. Thanks for listening.

Everything's going to continue at patreon.com. So history hyena. I'll just say this. When you play this contest, you may not be a winner in life. But for one moment, you hold the trophy. You hold the trophy, my friend. So hold your head up high. And whatever job you go to, if they yell at you today,

you say, fuck you, I am the PPW. Yeah.