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September Bonus Calls to the Matriarchy!

October 4, 20190 comments♥ 0
00:00 Hey, yo! No, no, no. Oh, we are recording? Great. No, it's not even like... They want dirty things to happen to them. Yeah. I mean, they want to live out a fantasy. No, no.
00:40 It's only Snapchat, though. Yes, that's exactly what it is. So Snapchat has created a problem, and now that Instagram has the expiring videos, that's what it's used for, though. That's exactly what it is. So Snapchat has created a problem, and now that Instagram has the expiring videos, that's what it's used for, sex. That's what it is. Well, that's the internet, like with all the power that the internet has.
00:54 No, it actually scares me, because I'm like, I can't prevent my daughter from doing that. I can't. She's going to get to an age where she's just going to do it. There's no way to fucking stop it. It's crazy. I don't think every girl does that.
01:05 Yeah. No, no, no. But the amount, I mean, some of these girls are like, you know, school teachers and are like lawyers and they have great jobs and then they're just like sticking dildos in their ass and sending it on Snapchat. I'm like, what's happening? It makes sense. Yeah.
01:20 It's like they're just like very proper in their day-to-day lives. I get that. And then they just like lash out and. It's sense. Yeah. Like they're just like very proper in their day to day lives. I get that. And they just like lash out and. It's weird. It's like a part of the brain that just you couldn't do that back in the day. No. You know what I mean? No.
01:34 Yeah. I don't think it makes them like fucking godless. I'm just like. I don't find it attractive is what I'm saying. And I think a lot of guys would not. Well I double tap for them because I don't want them to feel bad. Because there have been plenty of times where I haven't responded. And they're like you're making me feel like a lot of guys would not well I double tap for them because I don't want them to feel bad because there have been plenty of times where I haven't responded and they're like you're making me feel
01:48 like a piece of shit which I know is their problem because I'm not doing anything but just to prevent that now I just double tap and then don't respond to anything they say interesting yeah because then they started to feel like you know alright let's do it
02:03 we're going to start with Nicolette Petroulis feel like, you know? All right, let's do this. All right, let's do it. Calm. Okay. We're going to start with Nicolette Petrullis. What's her name? Nicolette Petrullis. Oh, she sent me a video of her. That's Greek, right? Yeah, she's Greek. No, I'm kidding.
02:16 We'll have you. You want to talk to her in Greek? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's do it in Greek. First joke. Wait, what's her name? You start. You start.
02:24 Nicolette Petrullis? No, it's a girl. Nicolette her name? You start, you start. Nicholas Petroulis? No, it's a girl. Nicolette. Nicoletta. I have a cousin named Nicoletta. I like that name, Nicoletta. I like Venetia, too. Venetia is a dope name.
02:36 Are we on air? Yas. Welcome to the phone call episode. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta. Nicoletta? What are you doing? Nicoletta, what are you doing? How are you? Where are you?
02:53 Good, good, and you? Very good. You haven't said hello to me yet. What's up, Dase? How you doing? Dase, how you doing? Do you speak Greek? No, a little bit.
03:08 Oh, okay. You're like me. Not like Venetia. Yeah. We have Venetia here ready to speak full Greek onto you. And you're Greek, so I know you're hiding from your father right now, right? I just ran out of work. Yeah, you got to run away.
03:21 Do you speak babe? Do you ever speak babe? Babe, do you speak in babe, babe? Babe, babe, I'm at house in a? Babe, do you speak in babe, babe? Babe, babe I'm on house stand at Wooster right now You're in fucking house history? We're really close to you, babe, babe, babe You're actually really close to us
03:32 I know I know you guys are above the comedy cellar I was about to yell up before Yeah And then I was like, better show, better show No, but you should've fucking Yeah, you should've rang the bell I would've let you write up
03:41 Because I'm fucking wild Yeah, he's Too many people have my address Yeah, people just keep sending things to his home. Yeah, they're coming to my house. Too many people know where you live, including people who live in your building. Babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, where do you live? Oh, I live downhouse in on 1st and 2nd.
03:57 Wow, so you have some money. You got a little bit of money. You know, I got a Staten Island kid, you know. I got a little bit of money. Yeah. Yeah, where are you from originally, Nicoletta? Staten Island kid, you know. I got a little bit of money. Yeah. Where are you from originally, Nicoletta? Staten Island. Oh. Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.
04:09 Oh, she's from Bay Ridge. Bay Ridge. Bay fucking Ridge, cuzzo. Wow. My aunt had that store, Classic Impressions. She said, Yanni came in. She said, my niece is your biggest fan. That's me. Oh, wow. What's the store? I know exactly. What's the store? I know exactly what you're talking about.
04:25 Yeah. Classic Impressions. Yeah, and I guarantee you that was on the morning of his wife's birthday because he forgot. You know that... Ooh, it's okay. That store lives close to the situation. I know exactly where Classic Impressions is. I've been in there, too.
04:38 I've gotten last-minute birthday gifts in there and gotten stuff for my daughter. Yeah. It's great. It's great. I do love that show. Your family's had that store for a long time. A very long time, yeah. Yeah. She's great. It's great. I do love that show. Your family's had that store for a long time. A very long time, yeah.
04:48 Yeah. She's very nice, your mom. My aunt. Hey, Bert. Your aunt. Hey, Bert. Time limit. Oh.
04:53 Hey, Bert. Nicoletta. Thank you so much. You reached the Hey, Bert time limit. Is there anything you want to ask us? What's your favorite moment on the podcast? I'm going to be there.
05:04 You let me know when I will come up. I love history. I'll talk about anything. All right. Well, we're going to be doing a live podcast. Follow me on Snapchat. Yeah. Yeah.
05:13 We're doing a live. Next time, I'll bring up. Yas. Bye, Nicoletta. Love you. Yeah. All right. She's a screwed in Greek kid.
05:24 She's a screwed in Greek kid who I think stalks us outside. It's just what it is. She was like, I was just outside. I know you guys are up there. I was about to scream up. Yeah. Yeah. She knows what time it is.
05:34 Yeah. She wants a stick of Slovakia stick in my ass. Okay. In both our asses. Yeah. All right, Mike. Who's next? Who's next?
05:38 Hot Eileen Newport's Scratch Offs Hogan. Here we go. See? It's a 10. Yeah, my family doesn't like me. We got to start doing... See how great that name is? We're just going to have to start doing tasks on Patreon
05:50 to put these people to work because they're all hilarious. They're all workers. And if you've left because there hasn't been engagement, fuck you. You don't understand the hyena part of this podcast. Yeah. Did the... Okay.
06:05 What's her... Oh, it's Ann Eileen. I got this. Ann. If they... Hi, you've reached Eileen. Please leave a message. Thank you. Her name's Eileen.
06:30 At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. Hey, listen, this is Chris, he's Anne Eileen. All right. There's only one person named Eileen on this podcast, so I'm very upset that you've taken my name and you've also made it into a joke on Patreon. I am going to take legal action against you as soon as I crawl down these neutrals because I'm upstairs in my sister's house moving vegetables.
07:01 Yeah. Yeah. Cuz. Yeah. All right. Let's go to number three Number three Hey listen Yeah also
07:08 Cuz people are listening to us right now Yeah they are Yeah also Any members of the matriarchy Obviously If you want us to leave a message Then you're gonna have to just Make a voicemail on your own time
07:18 Cuz if you put the number out Then we legally are gonna hang up Yeah So if you want us to fucking always If you always wanna be accessible to us Then make an actual voice greeting message on your voicemail and not leave the number
07:28 and then we can leave it. Yeah, and who are you not to have made a voicemail already? I mean, what are you like a fucking, what are you hiding from immigration that you haven't put a voicemail on there? The only people whose numbers show up as their voicemail messages
07:42 are people who have burner phones. So get yourself a fucking identity. Right? Yes. Chris would have known that was a good joke like you, Mike, if he was paying attention. I was. It's just, you know what it is?
07:58 It's a beautiful thing. I'm sure you feel the same way. It's a beautiful thing to have people reach out for your birthday, but it's also like it's a lot to keep in touch with. Yeah, this kid's here now. This kid's fucking handsome. He's a handsome fucking kid. Holy shit. He's jacked. He works out.
08:13 He's got the fucking Hitler stache. What's up, man? You're a fucking piece. Yeah, you're a fucking... He is blushing right now. He also looks like a Greek Mediterranean kid a little bit. Are you Greek, Alex? All right, so I'm an Italian citizen.
08:28 I just found out I'm also a more Greek Italian. Wow. So you can, yeah, so Venetia can introduce you to her father. So it's possible. You're legal. What part of Italy are you from? My mom's side of the bedroom, my dad's side of the body. Yeah.
08:40 North and south. Yeah. A lot of the Romans were initially Greek immigrants. You know, like a lot of the Rome, a lot of Romans were initially Greek immigrants. You know, like a lot of Sicilians, the first people to kind of civilize that Island were Greeks. All right. This is,
08:52 we're doing a phone call episode right now. Chrissy, uh, Chrissy D HP. Wait, HPV and me. Yeah. Chrissy D HPV and me.
09:00 I remember, I remember this page. I remember from the last episode. Chrissy D HPV and me. Could be a girl. Could be a girl. I like. I remember this, Patreon. I remember from the last episode. Chrissy, the HPV and me. Could be a girl. Could be a girl. You got to get your Gardasil shots. I like Chrissy because Chrissy's gender neutral.
09:12 Yeah. Yeah. You're more of a Chrissy than a Chris. Yes. There's some kids who are Chris or Christopher. My boy Chris is coming. You're a Chris. You're a Chris.
09:22 He's coming. Yeah. Chris, he's coming. There's a genderless situation heading right for you. There's a typhoon of fucking trans. Hello? Is this Chrissy DHPV and me? Oh, my God.
09:34 You dirty little son of a bitch. You smelly cock fucking dick bastard. Yeah. Yeah. What's up, cuz? Yo, do you have genital warts or what? I was going to say, I heard that you guys have been just too busy with each other lately, ignoring your favorite Mike Suarez.
09:50 Yeah. Except it's his birthday yesterday. No, it's his birthday today. We got to put him on a plane and get him over the wall. Yeah, we got to catapult him right back over that wall. I thought you were going to close Wikipedia slots. No, no, no, no. Where do you work, cuzzy, was he?
10:05 I'm at work right now, and I can't yell because I'm at a hotel. Oh, you work at the TW Hotel in JFK? Yeah, we're doing some quick work right now hanging pictures. Yeah. I'm scared. My big boss is right across the hall, and I want to say some really fucking off-color shit right now. Is he an Eastern Hemmy, your boss? Yeah.
10:24 No, he's not an Eastern Hemmy, but he's actually from your blood. He fucking grabs chest and does a quick, stiff hand out if he could, but he's not allowed
10:31 to do that. He's way... He's way... Yeah, because that hotel is fucking money. That TW Hotel is a nice hotel. Oh, God.
10:38 Hey, Bert. Oh, you gave him... Yeah, he gave him some money, Bert. He hey-berted us because his boss came. Yeah, I love that this kid has no idea what's going on.
10:46 It's fucking great. You can't hear anything, right? Come over. Throw some headphones on. Yeah. Put them over here, right? Yeah. Mike, can we put them over here?
10:53 Yeah, sit down over here. Mike's always mid-sneeze. That's my emoji face, yeah. Nice to meet you, Mike. Nice to meet you. Okay. Christian WikiSfink Dubs. Oh, yeah, Christian Winky Sphink.
11:05 Well, you know, he's a legend. He's got one of those legendary names on the Patreon. Chrissy Winky Sphinked. I think it's a coincidence that we have a Chrissy Winky Sphinct I think it's a coincidence That we have a Chrissy Winky Sphinct And a Yellow Chrissy Winky Sphinct Cause they just know it's us
11:35 How did you know it was us? Cause it was restricted? Cause when we call the fucking When we call people They know it's us Because their phone has fumes. Yeah. Fumes.
11:47 Yeah, my phone definitely has fumes. Yeah. I'll just take some Wendy's spicy nuggets, bro. They're back on the market. Wow. Kid's classy. Where do you live, Winky Sphinct? Dude, I'm the fucking kid who lives in Manassas.
11:58 Oh, you're actually a good kid. You're the Virginia kid. That's the one. Yeah. I like this kid. He also was a Bernie supporter, this kid. Oh, yeah. We spoke to you the one. Yeah, I like this kid. He also was a Bernie supporter, this kid. We spoke to you already once. We did spoke to you. We love you.
12:10 You're the kid. You said you have a situation with the mother and you have a situation with the job. You got a general situation with life. I mean, life is situational, right? I think fucking, what's that German philosopher? I don't know. He said that shit. Socrates. Yeah, the German philosopher. I don't know, he said that shit. Socrates.
12:27 Yeah, the German philosopher Socrates. Our fans are Franks and Beans. They were Franks and Beans kids. That's why they listed our podcast, because you know if you're getting your history from two Wikipedia sluts, you're a Franks and Beans kid. It's just what it is. I listen to your shit because you guys got nice hair, and I'm gay for any of you guys because I'm losing my hair.
12:43 It's what it is. Now, what are you doing today? You at work you at work now dude so i went to the school down here like facilities i'm the guy who's fucking doing landscaping and shit and first day of school they don't want us to go near the school because kids gotta take pictures with their fucking gay backpacks and yeah my wife my wife's a teacher she's at fucking school oh nice you crack open a teacher nice yeah yeah yeah yeah Good for you. That's nice. She teaches Franks and Beans kids.
13:07 Then she comes home and deals with my Franks and Beans. My dumb fucking dog. Your dog, Franks and Beans. Does she teach actual, like, real Franks and Beans or just, like, Franks and Beans like us?
13:18 No, I'll joke this out. She teaches, like, autistic kids. Oh, okay. Okay, so yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't call them Franks and Beans. Yeah, so Chris would be in her class in, like, 20 years. Oh, yeah, a thousand percent. We can't call them Frankie. Yeah, so Chris would be in her class in like 20 years. Oh, yeah, a thousand percent.
13:26 Yeah, a thousand percent. What's been your favorite episode of the podcast so far? Yeah, and how much money? Chrissy the Hun, man. That's the shit right there. Chrissy the Hun. That's where he went in.
13:36 Yeah, Chrissy doesn't remember that. Yeah, no, I don't remember. I don't even remember. I was actually going to suggest doing an episode on Attila the Hun, but I guess we can't because we did one already. Yeah, but you know what's funny?
13:44 Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Yeah, I just don't... Jesus Carol Christ. I just don't remember... Yeah, but you know we can't because we did one already. Jesus fucking Christ. I just don't remember. You know what? At this point, I don't remember that episode either. Do you, Chris the Hun? Are you fucking kidding me? Well, that's not your fault, Giannis. That's predisposed. Yeah, Giannis Sundown. Yeah, I'm going to be in your wife's class soon.
13:59 I'm going to be a super senior in your wife's class. You'll be the only one after wearing diapers. Exactly. Yeah, we got a new kid in your wife's class. Yeah, except you're the only one that can wear a diaper. Exactly. Yeah, we got a new kid in the studio, too. What's his name? What's your name? Alex.
14:10 Alex. I'm fucking horned up. He's a cute kid. What does he look like? A couple of eyes? No, he looks like he's an Italian Mediterranean fucking kid with a Hitler mustache, so he's right up my alley. Yeah.
14:23 Yeah, I want to crack him open. Does your wife know that you use her credit card to pay for our Patreon? No, because that bitch is maxed out. I use my own shit. This comes out of debit, boy. I'm on county. Yeah. You've reached the Haybird time limit. It's good to speak to you again.
14:39 Thank you for your service. We'll probably call you in a week or so because we're not good at what we do. Yeah. Follow me on Snapchat. Here's the thing about kids like that. When a kid can take a call from us during the day, full-blown, without whispering, you know, that kid's not doing good in life and he doesn't have a job. He doesn't have a real job because the kids that actually have real jobs
14:57 have to step out or just not take our call because they will lose their careers. Yeah, that kid's just screaming because he's just walking the streets aimlessly. Yeah, which is, I mean, it's a 10. Yeah, and he's living off his wife who has a real job as a teacher. Who's a teacher, yeah. That kid's just dragging her life into the mud. Yeah.
15:12 Listen. He's basically her Barney Rubble. Yeah, that kid doesn't, unfortunately he doesn't know, but he's a few months away from a big divorce. It's what's going to happen. It's just what it is. Yeah, it's just what's going to happen.
15:21 All right, who do we got? Mama Corks. Mama Corks. Oh, she's a big fan. Okay. I think she wants you to punch her throat. We have to do what we have to do for this contract. I know who she is. She comments a lot.
15:35 I think she messaged me. Yeah, I think she's a big fan, and she really wants Chrissy to punch her throat. Because your dick's like a stapler and you got a lot of paperwork to get to. It's just what it is. Hello.
15:48 Your dick's a hole puncher. Hey, Mama Corks. Oh, my God. Is it happening? What's up, babe? Oh, it's happening, babe. How you doing, babe? Yeah, babe.
15:55 It's happening. Yeah, babe. First of all, happy birthday to both of my queens. Happy birthday. Yeah. Yeah, to both of my queens. Thank you so much.
16:03 And Mike Emoji Face's birthday, too. Yeah. I know. Happy birthday. I don't want to leave so much And Mike Emoji Face's birthday too Yeah I know Happy birthday I want you to know Before we even get started I think this is the first time In the history of your matriarchy
16:14 Calls that you're talking to An actual matriarch That's right Really? Why? What do you mean? What do you mean? Because I
16:22 You have a pseudopenis? I'm Clearly But I'm married Clearly But I'm the head of the household, baby Oh, wow Well, actually, we just spoke to a kid who's My mama Corks is the real mama, you know? Yeah
16:34 Well, the kid we just spoke to before also doesn't have a job, but his wife does Oh, that's a bad job Where do you live? We got a lot of loser fans Mama Corks, are you from Brooklyn New York City I am I'm from Canarsie And I have to tell you Wow are you screwed in are you a Jew
16:50 Yeah And you guys make me feel So comfy wumpy You help me fall asleep like your voices just sound like home Yeah no we're fucking We'll be your love sack babe Where do you live now, babe? A hundred percent.
17:06 You're my love sack. And I want to, as a recruiting kid, I want to invite you, Christy B., and your beautiful daughter to Hanukkah. Wow. Yeah, if you were looking for a Hanukkah invite because you want to start exploring other religions, you got to come out. Now I'm in Jersey. Wow.
17:22 Come out to Jersey and do Hanukkah with us. A hundred percent. That's what we're going to do. Babe, that is a step up. You went from Canarsie to Jersey. You made it. Fucking made it, babe. I know.
17:30 That's how you do it. You're supposed to stop in Staten Island, but we took the express. Yeah, you took the express right past Staten Island. You're living the Brooklyn girl's dream. Yeah. Sure am. I live in Manalibu in Vicky Boteto. Oh, Vicky Boteto.
17:45 Funny fucking guy. It's like a whole bank for Han Boteto. Oh, Vicky Boteto. Funny fucking guy. I'm like a whole bank for Hanukkah. Oh, I remember you messaged... Were you the one who messaged me who said I should look for houses out there? Yeah. I mean, you are... We thank you for your service
17:56 because you're a serious fan. No, you don't understand. It's kind of sick. I feel like we're family. I'll be on Amazon shopping for my kids' school supplies and I'll see a lamp or a pillow and I'm like, oh, that would look nice in Chrissy's apartment of sick. I feel like we're family. I'll be on Amazon shopping for my kids' school supplies, and I'll see a lamp or a pillow, and I'm like, oh, that would look nice in Chrissy's apartment. Yeah.
18:09 Yeah. Fucking yes. I'll probably give you my address. Yeah, why not? All right. We reached the Hey Bird time limit. Thanks for talking to us, Mama Corks. We love you, Mama Corks.
18:17 We love you, Mama Corks. Thank you so much. I love you guys so much. Be well. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Happy Hanukkah.
18:22 I thought we might have a situation, because you know, sometimes Jew girls, they get a little talky, you know? Yeah, they get a little talky. She wasn't going to obey the Hey Bird time limit. And she's like, listen, I pay my money, so I'm going to talk to you. I pay my money. I'm going to get every cent worth. Yeah.
18:33 Because if you're a Brooklyn girl and you go from Canossie to Jersey. She's a big deal on her family. That's like going to West Chelsea. Yes. We come from a small minded place a little bit. Absolutely. Even though it's a big city, there's a lot of small-minded people. 100%.
18:46 Yeah. But Jersey's big. Yeah. Jersey's big. Yeah. I mean, we're small-minded kids. Yeah. We still live in Brooklyn.
18:52 Yeah. No. So I came out. My boys came to- You came out of the closet finally? I came out of the closet. My boys came to me in Chicago, and we had two rooms. Yeah.
19:01 You slept with the one with them? Well, three of them. Yeah. Well, one of the guys, he just doesn't travel that much he's from Staten Island and he came into my room was Debo in a backpack or no they were down in Nashville so he came in it was another group of friends but he came
19:14 into my room you know it was the third day in the hotel and he came into my room and he went to go take a shit and he goes yo Chris you alright and I said why he goes you've been staying in for three days and you're fucking you ain't taking a shower yet. And I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, everything's folded.
19:28 It's like you never use the shower. I'm like, people come in and clean the room every night. And he was like, oh, all right. I didn't know that. First time in a hotel, right? Yeah, yeah. He's just a kid. He very rarely crosses the Verrazano Bridge.
19:40 Yeah. So it's a big deal for him. Yeah. He came out to Chicago. He said, I never thought I'd make it to the city. I always said kids like that, when they get to the bridge, they take their passport out. They just don't know. They just don't know.
19:50 They think they're supposed to show ID to get to the city. To get to the city. Yeah. It's a big deal to get into the city. They're just going to show it. Yeah. Kids like that, it's a big deal to get into the city. All right.
19:58 Let's do, what do you want to do? A couple more? This is Victor S. Johnson. Oh, Victor S. Johnson. Okay. I'm going to get a fucking parking ticket. You got to re-up. It wouldn't let me fucking do it.
20:22 So who's this kid? Is he a relative? What's he doing here? Hello? Hello? Victor Johnson. Victor Johnson, he a relative? What's he doing here? Hello? Victor Johnson. Victor Johnson, how are you? What's up, babe? It's the history hyenas Giannis Pappas, Vanitya Mike, and Chrissy Chlamydios. How you doing, kid?
20:36 Yes! What's your deal, bud? Where are you? Just walking off some hills in Vegas, man. Oh, my God. You're in Las Vegas? You got a gambling problem, huh? I'm done with that fucking city.
20:52 Oh, I saw, man. I saw. It's so hot there. Oh, well, I moved here from Texas, so this ain't nothing. I have to go back next week, though. Nice. I'll be there. Fuck yeah, dude. What part of Texas are he from Are you from Emoji phase
21:06 From San Antonio San Antonio Fuck no Austin man Oh Are you a liberal kid Are you a liberal San Antonio's cool
21:14 Are you a blue You're a liberal kid then If you're from Austin right You go blue Nah nah nah nah Yeah Trump 2020 Back in Trump 2020
21:22 Yeah You know it's funny Austin and I mean Austin and San Antonio are right next to each other, and it's like Austin's like where all the beautiful people are, and San Antonio's just, everyone looks like they're auditioning for Jerry Springer in that city. Yeah.
21:36 It's just what it is. Yeah. So you're walking around Las Vegas right now. No, hiking. Yeah. You're hiking in Las Vegas. You're Franks and Beats fucking kid. You're Franks and Beats fucking kid Oh yeah, Franks and Beats
21:49 What is it, a beautiful day to hike? 124? Yeah, I'm just bored as shit, man What's been your favorite moment of the podcast? Oh man I listened to that Dan Soda one That fucking guy, man
22:04 Fucking impressive. Besides that, you two chopping it up. Yeah. Yeah. To be honest, we've been in here for an hour and a half. I'm losing energy. I'm just losing steam. But I want to go wild, but I'm losing steam.
22:20 My blood sugar's dropping, too. Yeah, Yanni, we need to get the Nets out, because Yanni's going to pass out on stage again. Yeah, I may go down. Yanni's been passing out on stage. Because why are you just roaming? You're a black and white cookie, bro. Yeah.
22:30 Yeah. Why are you just roaming around? You don't have a job? It's the Haybird time limit. I got a job. I'm just off. Oh, you're off. That's a good...
22:37 If anyone asks, you say that same thing. Yeah, yeah, I'm off. I'm off. Yeah, it's my off day. Yeah. It's my off day. Listen, we've reached the Hey Bird timeline, but we just want to say thank you so much for your service.
22:48 Ah, thank you guys for everything. Yeah, all right. If you want to send me a birthday gift, follow my Snapchat. We do need some food. I can't believe we can't eat in here. It's so stupid that we can't. It's so fucking stupid. It's so stupid.
23:03 The girls are coming in like 40 minutes Am I able to give you guys the gifts I got you? Is it food? Maybe Yeah, give it to us If it's a bar, I'm going to fucking eat it right here Whatever it is, I'm eating it You've eaten them before
23:16 Oh, they're good Oh, it's grandma's cookies? Yeah, fuck it, just give me one I don't give a shit What are we going to do? It's a stupid rule You know what? If they keep reinforcing this rule,
23:26 I'm going to leave the studio. Yeah. How about that? Yeah. You either lose us or you change the rules. Yeah, because look... Wow!
23:32 Look at this. The... Thank you so much. Did you get this from Greece? Yeah. And I mean, look at this right here. Look at this. This is exactly what I'm...
23:40 Venetia, literally... Thank you. Oh, God. Yeah, it's just going to... It's going down. I'm sorry, Mike. What's in this little fucking lunchbox? Oh, my God. Come on, Venetia, literally. Thank you. Yeah, it's just going to happen. It's going down. I'm sorry, Mike. What's in this little fucking lunchbox? Oh, my God.
23:48 Come on, Venetia. Would you just go out on a date with me? Wait, so this is the Nike. Are you guys allowed? Do we have a cup at least to do a shot for you guys' birthday? We can drink, right? Yeah, you can drink whatever you want. Do we have like a cup?
24:03 We have shot glasses. Can I do it out of this kid's belly button? Not that one. That one doesn't do that. No? Okay. Hey, call someone while we're doing this. Oh, wait.
24:12 Yeah. We have Reno the horned up sauce monkey, Corenti. Yeah. Call that sauce monkey. What did you say, B? Not this. No, no, no. I wanted to get this one.
24:23 Okay. Unless you want something speedier, a little bit. No, no, no. I wanted to get this one. Okay. Okay, unless you want something speedier, a little bit less. No, no, no. No, let's do that. This is like strong cups. Do we have cups in here, Mikey? It's right here. Oh, sorry.
24:33 Where? Is it in that cubby? In what cubby, Mike? Right there with all the bottles? Yes. There's something right there. I'm shocked. I don't know.
24:47 Hello? Yo, what up? Hello Yo What up The horned up sauce monkey How you doing Yo Hello It's the boys Yeah
24:56 Yeah What's going on Nothing much guys What's going on What's going on You tell us Cause you're the horned up sauce monkey You're my favorite Patreon name Oh my, because you're the horned up sauce monkey.
25:06 You're my favorite Patreon name. Oh, my God. I'm all fucking horned up over here. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you from? Where do you fucking live, cuz? Yeah, cuz you're a New Yorker. I'm just a kid from the Bronx.
25:17 You know what I mean? But I moved upstate now. Wow. Yeah, you moved upstate. Yeah, because of witness protection? Yeah, I had to get out of there. Yeah, no, your wife needed a little more space, so she wanted you to get out to Westchester so you have a little acreage, right, for the dog to run around.
25:31 Where do you work? Yeah, something like that. Where do you work for? You work for Smithtown Water Department? Yeah, because you sound like you're a Smithtown water kid. No, because I own a pizzeria over here in Dutchess County, like an hour from the city. Wow. What was your pizzeria? We'll give you a free shout-out right now. What was a pizzeria over here in Dutchess County, like an hour from the city. Wow. What was your pizzeria?
25:47 We'll give you a free shout-out right now. What was your pizzeria? Greenhaven. Greenhaven. All right. And the other day, yesterday, somebody said first. I don't know if you guys have seen this. Yesterday, somebody paid with a $20 bill.
25:59 Yeah. And on the back of it, it said Trump on it. And with a Sharpie and an arrow pointing to each 20 on the fillet. 20-20. Yeah, Chrissy, your 20s are getting out there. Yeah. Yeah, that was my idea, and I'm happy that people are taking it and using it.
26:13 Nice. Guess what? We're going to the Renaissance Fair up in Tuxedo, New York this weekend, and I think we passed Dutchess County on the way up. We're going to stop by your pizzeria. Yeah, my girlfriend was telling me about that, walking around with fucking Viking hats and turkey legs. Yeah, why don't you do it?
26:35 I think so. I think I might be forced into that one. This kid is hilarious. We know the Horned Up Sauce Monkey is number one. Yeah. What do you think he looks like? Guys, I know what he looks like. He looks like this kid.
26:46 I got eyebrows like fucking Oscar the Grouch and Scorsese. Yeah. I was going to say he looks like this kid, but on steroids. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a big kid? How tall are you? Hey, Bert.
27:00 I'm about six foot. I'm about 170 on a lucky day Oh no Make no mistake I think I can take you physically You can take me physically Definitely You can definitely
27:12 Me and a Mike Emoji face And probably Chrissy too Physically You know what I call that I call that fucking lap weight Yeah that's lap weight Cause it goes to crawl on your lap Cause I wanna come there
27:21 And get a pizza pie Tell Isis To scrap those John Cena fucking Jean shorts over there While he's writing his fucking M&M rhymes over there Yeah, no, Zach Isis, he's not even fucking here today Jesus Christ, those jean shorts are burning my eyes Like 2003
27:43 Italian kids love fashion. Yeah, because we can't do anything with this kid. He's a 23-year-old kid. He's a muzzy. We can't do anything with these muzzies. We're not allowed to. Unless we get rid of Ocasio-Cortez. You know, they can't do anything.
27:56 These Democrats won't let us do anything with these muzzies. Wait till I see him. Wait till I see him. All right. All right, man. He's here to stay It's alright Alright brother We love you on the Patreon
28:09 I love your name And thank you for your support We'll see you at your pizzeria I'll see you at your fucking pizzeria In the next Trump rally Yeah the confederate flags Are flying around over here I'll see you guys
28:20 Alright bye See you later Hey Bert I mean that kid was his New York He really got Made you laugh on that M&M. These cookies, they're 10 out of 10, these cookies. You guys ate the whole entire cup. Like, did anybody hear you?
28:36 It was a very wet-sounding phone call. Yo, you good? I mean, you make sure that there's room for when Mark comes through. I mean, me and Chris, we're going to pass out. Like, we had to do it. No, no, eating's fine. It was the noises that's what bothers people. Oh, well, you know what?
28:52 All right. Mikey? I mean, we're going to have a shot of recce. Bro, you're not going to like it. Well, whatever. Yeah, it's wild. Mikey, here. Oh, okay.
29:03 Holy shit. This is Greek poison. You do this, and then Holy shit. Or nah. This is Greek poison. You do this and then you wake up tomorrow morning. You're going to do one, Venetia? Yeah. Venetia, thank you. To Venetia.
29:14 Happy birthday. Yamas. Cheers. It's a year. Yamas. Thank you. To the new guy who's going to get fucking cracked open. That kid's lap is going to get used.
29:25 Woo! It's like drinking rubbing alcohol It's Rakit Yo, Greeks fucking drink, huh? Greeks drink, yeah Yo, no hangovers with this shit You don't get hangovers with that? No Giannis disagrees
29:39 This is what you just had with honey This is like my favorite drink Can you drink that warmed up? It's so good. Is it dope? He is struggling right now. You don't like it? No, but your grandma's cookies.
29:51 Did your grandmother make these? So we're basically good on people who have caught new people, who have given their phone numbers, who are available today. We have some older people. Also, Chris, the teacher, re-upped for $25. Did he cancel his $25 at some point? He went to a regular, and now he's back at $25. Well, call him.
30:07 Yeah, call him. Call him real quick. He's available right now if you want to call him. Yeah, call him. Yeah, all right. He's probably downstairs outside. I need to have a good... Oh, my God.
30:21 I brought for Zach as well, but... Did you bring... Where did you get these from? This? Yeah. We make those this past weekend. You made those. You made these.
30:30 Or your grandma. You want a one, guys? Me and my grandma and my mom. You're welcome. These are so fucking good. Yeah, I should have brought more. I wish I had hot coffee. Yeah, they taste really good.
30:39 Here, do you want? I brought for Zach. All right, Chris the teacher. Just let me need a woman. I mean, look at this, bro. Look at what she did. Like, I would never even think to do this. She's just so fucking great.
30:53 It's your birthday, guys. She's marriage material. Hello? Hello. What's up, Coz? You know who it is. What's up, Chrissy teacher? Of course I know.
31:04 It's a birthday boy. Happy birthday, sweet thing. How you doing, Coz? To both of us, right? What's up, Coz? That's right. Well, I already messaged my man Giannis on a happy birthday yesterday. Coz, are the Mets going to make the playoffs or what?
31:16 Are the Mets going to make the playoffs? Nah, you know they're going to blow it. They're on the way down. It's no good. I wish I could see Chrissy P up at the clubs again. What are you doing, sitting naked in your bathtub? Nah, nah, nah. I just let my players go.
31:30 We just got out of a meeting. We're in training camp, baby. Oh. Are you going back to teach this year? Are you going back to teach? Yeah, as long as you guys don't get me canned,
31:40 I'll be back. How many more years until you get fired, do you think? Oh, they can't. Unless I hit one or bang one. They can't do anything. Yeah. You've been there for a long time, right?
31:50 Oh, you're a tenor? I've been going into year 15. So you have your tenure. Your tenure. You're tenured then, right? I'm all teed up. Got my tea vest on. I wear sneakers to work.
32:00 I wear three high-heeled t-shirts to work. They don't get me. I love it. Chris the teacher, let me ask you, how's the situation with the mother? Because last time we spoke to you teacher let me ask you how's the situation with the mother because last time we spoke you had a little bit of a situation with the mother yeah every time i talk to you you tell me you're moving your shit out because your wife's throwing you out of the house yeah because usually you know every three and a half weeks or so but you can't handle a fucking hormones i get you know uh you know pack your shit do you want a mediator or do you want a
32:23 lawyer yeah and i just tell her to get the fuck out She runs to her mother's house Does that have anything to do with you being a member Of 15 people's Patreons Yeah yeah Once the first of the month comes Patreon I got like you know $86
32:39 And she ain't happy about it But I do all the finance She don't see nothing Yeah you fucking teach her, cuz. You're the teacher, cuz. You know what it is. Yeah, yeah. We teach economics.
32:49 I need to have Giannis come into my government class and get to speak. That's right. Cuz, Vanity is back, too, so we just ate some Greek cookies. Is this Chris the teacher? This is Chris the teacher.
33:00 How many times has Chris made her feel less than? Made her feel what? Less than. You make me feel less than with your comments. I made her feel less than? Made her feel what? Less than. You make me feel less than with your comment. I make you feel less than? No, I'm saying, Venetia, you make her feel less than. Hey, Bert.
33:13 No. I empower Venetia. Yeah. Venetia just... Oh, good. You make her stronger. This is a nice work environment. I feel empowered and I feel supported.
33:23 Yeah. My opinions matter. You do matter here. And Venetia... That's on the record. Venetia just said Chris the teacher. She said,
33:30 is this the Chris the teacher? That's how famous... Yeah. The Chris teacher. Let me slide up in the DMs a little bit. No, you see? Now you can't.
33:38 That's why you're going to get fired. Yeah. You know, that's... When you get fired, it's not going to be because of us. It's going to be
33:43 because of your actions. It's what it is. Oh, yeah. Well, without a doubt. And then I know that Mike Emoji will have to step aside and I'll have to produce the show. That's all it is. That's all it is. Whatever you do, cuz.
33:53 All right, listen. Oh, I ran into Emoji's face. Where the fuck was I? Where? In his apartment? Yeah, right outside. Right out of the window. It's a nice place.
34:04 Thanks to Sally Cazone. Yeah. Right next to Sally Caz window. It's a nice place. Thanks to Sally Cousin. Yeah. Thanks to Sally Cousin. Yep, yep. All right, baby. At least the Hey Bird time limit, I have no more energy. Hey Bird, happy birthday, Chris. I love you, pal.
34:17 Thank you, buddy. Thank you, buddy. I appreciate it. You'll hear from my lawyer. When you guys eat in the microphone, it sounds like Chris's Snapchat. How funny was that? He goes, I love you, Chris. I'm him.
34:30 Yeah. We just got to stop calling him Chris the teacher and start calling him Chris the restraining order. Yeah. Chris the restraining order is a better name. Yeah. And he's going to now change it on the Patreon. Yeah. Because I ate this whole box of cookies.
34:44 Is that bad? It's fine. You need the energy. Yeah. Because, I mean, I ate this whole box of cookies. Is that bad? It's fine. You need the energy. You're a big boy. You boxed already. I fucking threw hands and I've been up since 7 a.m. And I slept two hours since Sunday, since Saturday. Because you were partying.
34:56 No, I didn't party. My shows ended by the time I left. It was fucking 1.45. I had a 6 a.m. flight. So 4.30 a.m. pickup. What's this kid here for? I'm going to video you guys. Oh, when we do the Patreon episode, though.
35:08 Yeah, we'll do the Patreon episode. Well, why don't we do... It's 2.30. Let's do the Patreon episode. Oh, you're the guy who messaged. We just have the one guy's question. That's the one guy's question. Oh, yeah.
35:14 What's the guy's question? Okay. Well, we've got to answer this guy's question. That's what he wants. Chris, want to see Yanni in stockings and a blouse shouse? Yeah. How come that kid's not a Hall of Famer? Because he was before we were doing this.
35:24 He's been here for a while. Yeah. So his question is, this past weekend, I went to lunch with my sister and girlfriend. We all grew up in a red state, but they spent a lot of time in Austin, Texas, so they bat lefty. I'm more of a switch hitter, but I don't bat because I don't care enough. As soon as we sit down, I look at a person sitting at another table. My first three thoughts are Mad TV, Tiger Belly, and Where's Kalia? I say to my sister, that small Korean woman looks just like Bobby Lee.
35:51 She takes a quick glance and says, no, you're just racist. And my girlfriend agrees. I don't think they even know who Bobby Lee is, but make no mistake, they like calling people racist. Just to be crystal clear, I know I'm not a racist. I like Black Panther. So what do you guys think? Am I being racist or are they just being white women? They're being white women. They're being white women and I think if, yeah.
36:12 Yeah, they're just like your virtue signaling. Yeah. Their virtue signaling. I I was doing my shows in Chicago this weekend and, or last week, yeah this weekend. No, last weekend. By now. And there were gay guys in the front row that came specifically because they heard the Mr. Joey P., Joey Camasta episode and were fans of the podcast, fans of the comedy.
36:33 And I was saying things to them about like being gay and like there's – the gay part of Chicago is Boys Town and I was making Boys Town jokes or whatever. And they were laughing, having a great time. And somebody came up to me after the show. They had already taken pictures with them, with the gay guys. They already said how much they enjoyed it and how much fun they had and invited me out. I'm like, you were great. Somebody came up.
36:54 It was like that. The show was OK. But the way you made those gay men feel, that was so, that was so, what did he say? He said, I didn't appreciate, the guy said, I didn't appreciate the way you singled out those gay men and made them feel horrible about themselves. And I was like, buddy, they loved it. So whatever you're feeling, it's coming from within you. It has nothing to do with me because those guys had a great time.
37:15 So I was like, you're actually 100% wrong. And then he said, get the fuck away from me before you eat one of these slow, stiff, right jabs. Yeah. And that's what I said. Because I will throw hands at you. Yeah. I said, get the, yeah.
37:27 But it's like, that's exactly what that person that these people's girlfriend is doing. It's more about them. It's all coming from within. Because the truth is, most people don't fucking care. And if you are a virtue signal, I automatically don't trust you. I don't trust a thing about you
37:44 because I'm like you're probably the one that hates the gays or hates whatever group that you're fucking yelling at me about that you think I hate. I'm sure you have a big problem with them because if you listen to our podcast
37:53 and you think we have hate in our heart then you actually have a problem. And that was the message brought to you by- 90% of all Asian women over the age of 75 look like either Bobby Lee or Jackie Chan.
38:02 Also it's like you have to be a fucking unless you went to an Ivy League school, I don't know how you tell any Asians apart. We're in shock, Shane. Alright, make a call. Call someone. We're good. We're done. We gotta do the Patreon episode. Let me do a PP and then we gotta do... How long
38:18 did we do this episode for? About 35 minutes. No, 45 minutes. That one's a little long because... Oh, gee. Yeah, okay. Well, 45 minutes. That one's a little long. Oh. Yeah, okay. Well, this has been our phone call episode. Just so you know, once a month, there is a strictly phone call episode, exclusive phone call episode.
38:36 So if you join up with the $25 member, as a $25 member, once a month, you may get called by us. Eventually, you will get called. You're guaranteed at least one call, but you're going to get another call at some point because we're doing one full phone call episode every month. And this was it.
38:53 Bye.