History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - Simon Rex is for the Table | History Hyenas

Episode Date: March 19, 2026

Simon Rex pulls up to the History Hyenas studio and it’s pure chaos. The certified hottie with a body breaks down his wild early days at MTV, his unexpected music career, and how he made the jump into legit serious acting. Plus—plot twist—Simon flips the script and actually schools Chris and Yanni with a history fact the boys somehow never knew (yes, it gets WILD). It’s laughs, glow-ups, and a little education (don’t get used to it). #HistoryHyenas #SimonRex #ComedyPodcast #MTV #Acting #StandUpComedy #ChrisDistefano #YannisPappas #PodcastLife #Funny Support our sponsors: Use Discount Code “HYENAS” to claim your FREE JumpStart Trial Bag at https://RuffGreens.com Download the Ava app, and when you join using MY promo code HYENAS, you’ll get 20% off your first year—monthly or annual, your choice. Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/HYENAS Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code HYENAS. https://bluechew.com Right now, go to https://Quince.com/hyenas for free shipping and 365-day returns. #comedy #Podcast #History Join our Patreon at 👇 https://www.patreon.com/historyhyenas/ Subscribe to the poddy woddy Our YouTube!: https://bit.ly/2ARdDOz HH Clips:https://bit.ly/2YaK2Z8 iTunes: https://apple.co/2UQTHCc Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fxtsc0 Hyenas Merch!!! https://store.historyhyenaspod.com Follow us Cuz! 🙆🏻‍♂️ Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ 🙆🏼‍♂️ Chris Distefano Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website - https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ 🐕More Hyenas Website: www.historyhyenasisback.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/historyhyenas/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HistoryHyenas Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/historyhyenaspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas, Chrissy D. Yanni Pee. Today we have a great guest, Simon Rex, one of the best penises in the business, and he's going to show it to us. Yes, don't forget, patreon.com slash history hyenas, weekly bonus episodes. These episodes, early, ad-free, and uncensored. And you can join for as little as five bucks a month. Join the near 20,000 fans over there right now where me and Chrissy really go wild. And you can catch me. me on the road in three places. Boston, West Niagara, New York, and May is Pennsylvania in April. Janus Pappas Comedy.com for tickets. Now, enjoy this episode. Enjoy patreon.com slash history hyenas. It's as cheap as an Iranian drone.

So what you were saying? I was saying this is what a protagonist in a movie looks like. Handsome kid. This is the guy who shows up and goes, give him his money. Right. Harlis wants his money back. Right. Or you could be pro athlete. I guess. get that life? I get baseball player, football player, lacrosse. Yes. Or the thing is with me is here's what I always... Or the guy chasing the minorities. Well, that, yes. I,

that's where I met Simon. Right. And I always get, oh, you're at, you look better in person. Which is not good for the industry that we want to be in where the whole thing's on camera. Yeah, but that is better than the other round. Life, right. You look good on camera and in person. Oh, thank. That's very sweet. He really do.

He looks good at a bed. The kid is not out of bed. I was like, as we on camera, you're like, we are. I don't have to get with me. I'm a mess. We're here. And you know what it is with you? You look like an extremely handsome man right now, but also a beautiful woman of the future. Oh, I like that.

That sounds, that's fair. Right? That's fair. With the way technology is going, you're a gorgeous lady from 2017. That's where it's going. But you do, you got a nice, like, you got a nice, like athletic build. I'm an ectomorph. Yeah.

I go to the gym. I can't get big. I stay lean. I don't want to talk about myself anymore. But I got a great. I got a Greek physique from Mozambique. No, but the peptides is something I can't, everybody I talk to is on the peptides. I'm afraid to try it.

I don't want to be a lab rat. What is the peptides? Chrissy will talk to you about. What peptides do you want to go on? Let's talk about it. What are your goals? No, I'm not doing them yet, but I am. Okay.

I am. Of course, I'm not doing anything yet. As you could tell, the way I'm dressed, I'm delivering pizzas at the moment. Okay. Yeah, right now he's in, he goes through phases. He's got a very all-in personality. And right now he's all in on St. St. John's.

All in. St. John's, like he works for the team. Yeah, and the United States. That's why I get the athlete vibe. You know, when you guys, when I listen to the pod, sometimes I can't tell who's who. You guys have become the same voice. We have.

Yes. We've morphed into one. You know how transformers come together and form something stronger. We've come together to form something weaker. Well, there's a thing. So, okay, I'm not. We're just one fully formed lady. I know it would be hard.

You guys are so good and so fast. And you guys are so funny and so fast. But there's something you guys do where you come up. There's a little pop at the top. Sure. I don't know who's who. Who's popping and who's not. you the one popping because I'm on peptide. Okay, so you are on peptide. It's just, no, no, no, well,

not, I'm just going to slowly get into, I'm just going to pick up about a few hours ago. I got my substances. You're still young, you don't need to. I'm 51. I have the body of a 50-year-old, but I'm 51 years old and I do not, 51? 51? 50? 50. Wow. 49 if you check the internet. Yes. Yeah. So he's a Greek, so he's 49 Greek. Okay. So it means he's 52. Okay. But me and you look good. We do look good. We look good. And you haven't done any work. Nothing at all. I know. People always say Botox. I like, I embrace wrinkles and gray hair. I want to embrace. I want to get used to with this. Yes. You look good.

As men, we don't need to do all that stuff. And these kids I live in L.A. You see these children doing work in their 20s. Now every girl in L.A. has the same face I call it. They all have this Instagram-Cardashian face. And they all look like the same person. And it's not hot. And they're doing it through the female gaze for other women. But us men don't want that. No. We want a little

natural love. I want a crooked tooth and a mole. And I just... Give me something real. That's why I like my fiancee's beautiful. A little chipped tooth, got a little scar. Me and you both like Latin women. She's got a felony conviction. She's hot. She's perfectly imperfect to me. That's hot. Yes, it's hot, dude. Can I say something right now?

Say it. This is the only time and I just want to be honest, it's the only time we've had a guest on where I've seen his piece. I knew what was going there. Yeah. You're on this show we're going to And the truth is, Simon, they're all seeing your piece right now. It's this thing right here. This kid's got a, you talked about a physique for Mozambique. You got a piece for Mozambique.

You know, it fits, I think it's the, Almost like, I think, big nose and skinny and hog. It looks bigger than it is. It's like Shaq probably got a little dick, but it's not little. It's just on his body. Right. It's relative. Like, my daughter watches the show with Amanda Binds. Oh, how old you have a daughter?

I have two daughters. I got a 10-year-old daughter and a four-year-old daughter. So she's, they're revisiting. This is like, well, it's not 90s, but the 90s are coming back. I'm seeing this whole JFK weird shit. Dude, like redoing the 90s. But this early 2000s, basically the 90s. I believe it's Disney Plus or Netflix.

It's on Netflix. On Netflix. The WB show, remember the WB. Yes. So this is Amanda Bind to the show, and my kids absolutely love it. They watch it. I swear, they watch it every day.

And I remember the first show we're watching, jazz, you know, my fiance, we're all watching it. And then jazz goes, you come on to the screen and whatever the pilot episode. And she goes, I know that guy where I know him from? And I was like, you've seen his dick. Is that when you know him from? He's seen his dick.

And she was like, maybe. And I just didn't answer it. And then I just got insecure for a while. Yeah. What I like about you, Simon? Yeah. A lot of things. And I'm not just complimenting.

I think you're multi-talented. He is. Well, that's very good. He was good on the internet on Vine. I used to watch your vines all the time. Thank you. You were good on MTV. And then you went drama and you were good at that.

Thank you. And he's great in the Amanda Bind Show. He's the outlaw, funny, a kid who was born with a lot. That's a lot. I'm not good with compliments. I, but thank you. I don't know how to take them.

I'm working on it. So I just, I was trained to say, thank you. Right. Yeah. Yes. How did it feel when you got that, like, when you did that movie and you did a drama role and people were like, they were saying you were a good actor.

What was the one? I have imposter syndrome. I'm just like, I think I would relate to you comics a lot. I feel like I lived on the road for 15 years doing a comedic music thing called Dirt Nasty with Mickey Avil. I remember that. The rapping too. And I'm not saying, oh, add that to my resume. But I'm just saying.

No, you almost did kind of. And he's in the closet. That was a horrible picture. Yeah. I like that picture of you actually. I get pictures that don't look. Oh, God. You actually look handsome there, I think.

Ed De Bartlow. You look like you look like you'll play Gavin Newsom in the movie. I like that. You know what I mean? You ever noticed that? Right? Doesn't you look like that? Yeah.

Yeah. So wait. What were we saying? We were talking about how you found a real slick way. Because I forgot the rapping and you threw it in a nice way. I lived on the road and I would do live shows with the audience interacting and I would do comedy bits between songs and my love is for comedy but then when I did Red Rocket that was sort of appraised at this like went to Cannes and it's Sean Baker and all of a sudden I'm a dramatic actor and I'm just like

I don't know how to take the praise but I'll take it but I just feel I have imposter syndrome well I don't understand but because I think I'm a piece of shit well that's all you would make an excellent stand-up because that's how we that's how we live I tried stand-up and I bombed really badly but I tried I did like eight times I did it like eight times that's most stand-ups today they just put out put it right put it on cut it up into a crowdware clip and you're golden, dude. What do you guys

It's so big now and I love it because as a fan of stand- We're talking about your dick? Yeah, they are. Okay. No, you guys, it's gotten so out of control. I see the numbers for you guys. I see like I just did, you know,

we might be drunk. All you guys are crushing it so hard. And as a fan, I love it, but it's gotten so big. You guys are like, but you don't need the Hollywood infrastructure like I rely on. You guys could be your own boss.

Yeah, like Oweedy. We were just talking about this. Last week, I had a pilot in development, another one. I'm old for 14. Welcome to my life. Yep. I had another pilot in development for ABC.

Didn't go. Another sitcom thing, whatever. And this was the first time where it didn't go. I got the call like five minutes before. It didn't affect my day. It affected my day for about maybe 10 minutes. Then you're built for this. Then I'm like, oh, I'm doing the thing.

This is the thing. What I already have the show. What are you worried about the other show for? You were doing that for a while, though, with Vine? I was, what, doing like just going around the system and you were hitting online? I just got to do something. I can't wait for the phone to ring, so I'd always be doing my own music shit,

or I'd be doing Instagram shit or YouTube shit, just because I can't sit around. I got to keep it moving. My brain is not made for being homeostasis. Is that the word stagnant? Sure. I can't stop. It's exhausting.

For everyone else, my family, people, myself. Right. You just keep going. I can't stop. And you're not on drugs right now. No, I had a coffee. And I put Zen in here. But that's like, that's almost like an AA guy, but I don't do A-A.

Well, you know, some people called Zinn. We like to hear at this podcast call at Lucy. Go to Lucy.com. You mean a Lucy, right? That's right. Lucy in your mouth. Yeah. Or wherever they're sold in stores.

Wait, so what about you? Do you have wife, kids, the whole family, what's going on? Nothing. Zero, just you. It's not even a girlfriend. I love it, dude. I fly solo. I just, I live out of suitcases.

I live on the road in hotels. It's not easy to even have a girlfriend because I'm always shooting a movie in Toronto or fucking New Mexico. But you like your life this way. I love it. Good. I don't want to be doing anything else. Positive. But, you know, if I was on my deathbed, the one thing, I'd be like, you know, I didn't do the kid thing, but it's not too late,

too short, just had a kid to rapper. With a cock like you, it's never too late. That's right. And I feel like as a, without peptides, as a 51 year old, I feel 37. Yes. So I still feel. I bet you're younger. And I froze my sperm at 40 just in case. There you go. I was hanging out with my agent, rest in peace.

and my old music agent who passed away, he froze his sperm and we're hanging out once with his five-year-old kid. He's like, that's an ice baby. I go, what's an ice baby? He goes, I froze my sperm just to be safe. And then we took it out of the cryogenic chamber, inserted it into said wife's vagina and baby came out. And I was like, how cute?

He goes, freeze your sperm, dude, trust me. Because I'm like, I don't want kids. He's like, you will soon. But you don't need to do that. I don't need to do that. I don't need to do that. I don't need to do that. But it's a safety precaution.

Yeah. Dude, let me tell you something. This is how it works. Okay. I just read this happened like a year ago or two years ago tops the last person whose father fought in the civil war the civil war is from 1861 to 865 the last person was living two years ago whose dad fought in the civil war because they died at a hundred the person that just died then their father fought in the civil war when they were like 15 16 years old and they had this person at 85 years old in like the 1900s wow so if people were doing that Think about what could happen now. Yeah, and truthfully, as a dude, you know, you could pop one out as long as the woman's fertile at 70. I mean, Theo's dad had him at 70 something, right?

I mean, this happens. I got a buddy of mine who his dad was 70 when he was born. So you're going to do it. It's not over. I may have kids. I don't know. But either way, I still feel like I'm the kid that I'm trying to parent. Sure.

If that makes sense. Yeah, but you know what? There's Al Pacino. There it is. Al Pacino, whose wife is an absolute peace. He's on his second one. And she's Middle Eastern. So, yeah, I guess.

She is right. She's a Middle Eastern piece. Look at that baby. Yeah. See, I know gorgeous. Now, what are you nationalities? I'm Jew. I'm half Ashkenazi Jew.

Those are the top ones. That does not match community college. Right. Ashkenazis, yeah, that's a letdown. Yeah. It's a big letdown. So that's an Ari Shafir Jew, the Ashkenazi? I don't know.

Because you look Sephardic. I mean, so I, and then my dad thought I was Spanish, but then I did the 23 and me, and I'm just a European piece of shit. I'm basically just Anglo-Saxon of British, German, Scottish, English, Irish, and no, yeah. You don't look like that. He's a full Jew. I'm a half Jew, but my mom's Jew, so I'm a Jew.

Yeah, because you, but I, because, you look Sephardic is the hot Jew. You look like the hot Jew. I think I just got a California tan. He's the smart Jew. Right. Yeah. Right. I bet he does have an I or Q.

And he's 52. He's got a hog? Ari? He pulls it out all the time. And he's got a, and he's got, no. Well, no, he does not have a hog. Oh, I thought. Yeah.

Remember, we saw it. Oh, maybe it was fluffed that day I thought I saw him pull it out once He was aggressive Yeah, no, he's not So Greeks got big dicks though You're not looking at one, yeah I mean it runs the gap

So how do you guys both this history thing Thank you for doing my pod This history thing came from guys Both having a love for history Yes And you said let's do a history pod Then you stop doing it now we're back We lived in Bay Ridge

We've committed to only doing this podcast During the Trump administration And when he's off, we're out So if you want this podcast No So we lived in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Did you work? No.

My breath smell? Not me. It's drifting over. Is my breath? No, it's not your breath. It's not your breath. It could just be me. I didn't shower today.

Me neither. Yeah. So we started doing the pod in Brooklyn and then we both love, always loved history. We would talk about it a lot. And then one day we're walking in Bay Ridge and we're like, we should start a podcast. And with history. And then we, and then you were talking about hyenas and how they're the only trans animal. Because the women give birth through a pseudop penis.

So I said that's the name, history hyenas. And then we started it. I don't understand the hyenas part. Most people don't. That's why the numbers are not where they should be, but we're not changing. You guys have a good number. We're committed. Well, also the acronym is a little weird, and we didn't intend on that.

H.H. Yeah, we didn't intend on that. Oh, my God. Yeah, we didn't even intend to that. As a half Jew, I'm almost offended. Yes. There was one sponsor who made our promo code H.A. Yes.

We were like, they didn't think about that. They didn't think about that. But that was not intentional. Yeah. Yeah. And it was better help. Yeah. Well, it's relevant. we're having an anti-Semitic Renaissance, so it might be good for that. I mean, that's why I know, the anti-Semitic

Renaissance. I like the way you phrase, that is exactly what it is. It's a Renaissance. It's a renaissance. Some people call it the Golden Age. It's a chic. It's really come back. It's it's kind of has come back. It's somewhat concerning. You know, it's a little scary. But the way that you phrase that the anti-Semitic Renaissance, that is 100% the name of the episode. That's what not. I never, it's just such a, it's an eloquent. It's a, it's an eloquent. way to put it. It's really interesting. Yeah, and it is, it is getting a little, a little bonkers. It's spicy. I, you know, I had to, I did the 23 and me, and they had to send out a formal apology because somebody hacked 23 and me to get all of the Ashkenazi Jews's names off the list.

And, you know, as someone who's a Jew, we don't like lists. No, you don't like those. Why did they want people's names on this? I don't get that. Yeah. Yeah. This is part of the Renaissance. Ah, yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, because they did hack the 23 and me. And then they had to send apology and I changed my last name but it's too late I'm done if they come looking they got me nowadays with technology now you're still in you sent me a text before and we said come and confirm everything and then you said look let's just let it rip and then if anything I don't like we'll edit it out right but is that because you're still on the other side of the business still worried about stuff no it's not even that I just a podcast or tricky stuff sometimes you get in here and

I'll say something that may be like oh shit I shouldn't have gossiped about so-and-so oh yeah I have a feeling that's not going to happen this 20 to 30 minute format but on these long ones you'll just forget you're on a pod and I'll be like oh shit I shouldn't have said that about this upcoming project because it's not happening yet okay I shouldn't have said this about so-and-so's mother she is a whore sure right right right yeah wait so are you so right now after this week are you going to do another movie are you in the movies right now making them all day yeah actually I was I was I figured when I saw you guys on the street I was like because you know I don't know if you remember this you actually said what's up to me I was I was going to see sam do a spot at the cellar

you walked by and you're like hey what's up man as you were going out to do a set and it It happened so fast. I didn't get to say, hey, what's up, dude, love you. And you went out, I'm like, oh, I kind of stone-colded you, and I didn't mean to. I don't even know if you remember.

So when I saw you on the street, I'm like, I got to go say, what's up, here we are. And I do, I have a movie that's coming out, I don't know when this airs, but it comes out March 20th, called Toh, a Rose Byrne movie. I got to work with Rose Byrne.

That was fun. She's beautiful, she's funny. She didn't win the Oscar last night, but she won a Golden Globe, and we love Rose Byrne. Yes, I do love Roseburn. And she's married to Bobby Canna Balee, right? Bobby Conno Bale is a freaking real town.

Great dude. And can I just really quick just while I'm thinking of it? And then what I just want to just because this probably come out Thursday, I don't, right now the United States World Baseball Classic, they are in the finals. They beat Dominican Republic last night. And Italy is playing Venezuela today. And I just want to just a quick service announcement. If Italy wins and it's Italy versus the United States in the World Baseball Classic final, if I see any Italian. Routing for Italy.

Just know that I don't, you're not my friend. The real Italians don't like us. They don't, why, you are going to sit here and go like team Italy, Italian, all this while you're eating Fetuccino-Alfredo. They think you're a disgrace. It's not even a real pasta in Italy. You're disgusting. If you root for the United States, you need to root for the United States, even if it's,

oh, I'm a fucking Italian-American. Shut up, okay? Shut up. I don't want to hear it. And because here's the truth, if you root for the other, you. If you root for Italy or Venezuela, if they make it, then President Trump will find that he will get some information that you have weapons of mass destruction in your country and the B-52s will come over your fucking country. Okay? So root for the United States.

If you live in the United States, you're an American citizen, even if you have an Italian last name like me, the only acceptable country to root for in the anti-Semitic golden age is Germany. So, sorry, Bobby Kanoval. Yeah, no, Bob. That was just a... It's what you call a patriotic soliloquy. Yeah, I'm just really going to... I know that the Italians are going to start to root for Italy, and I understand Italy is great, but you're in America.

You better root for fucking America in the United States. Even the people going crazy in my house yesterday, rooting for the Dominican Republic. I said, why don't you fucking get out? I thought she was Puerto Rican. She is, but she just want... They want the Latinos to win over the whites. Yeah.

Okay, all right. It's like... She's in the Caribbean, which Puerto Rico is the United States, but I don't know much of history or geography. And I get other team. If you're from that country and you really, I get it. But you got the U.S. Passable, you better root for the United States.

Yeah. That's how I feel. As well, I feel. Or Israel. As you rude. Okay. No, it's funny. I've never even been to Israel.

I feel no affinity towards Israel. I don't understand Israel. I've never been. I'm, my parents were hippies. I was baptized because my dad's dad was a priest, so I was baptized. But I'm bloodline Jew. I'm dead when I leave here. Right.

Right. Got it. Bloodline Jew. A little BLJ. That doesn't sound good. Right. Oh, there it is. Yeah, that's the movie.

Okay, yeah. Anyway, it's a cute movie. And then I produced a movie. I might as well slide that in here. Please, come on. I did a comedy, a conspiracy theory comedy because I love my conspiracy theory friends. They're so adamant about their beliefs. And some of them have been coming true lately.

They're better dinner guests. They're fun. They're fun. Yeah. My beef is that you have to be able to say at the end of the earth is flat and there's lizard people juice. That. That.

Or you say at the end of that, or I might be wrong. And if you can't leave the door open to being wrong. of being wrong, then there's no humility, and we all don't know anything. So we did this conspiracy theory comedy. It's like a comedy, Bologna, basically. Oh, yeah. Which the honest thought was a piece of shit. It's mixed reviews.

Mix reviews is the way Actusay says it. And the movie's called Operation Taco Garys, and it'll be streaming the 24th. So I got two fun movies out. Wow. I got two fun movies out. Nice. In this day of Hollywood burning down, in this biblical renaissance. Yes.

Do you think it could come back, honestly? What do you think, for real? Here's my take on it, because again, I don't know anything, is that I still think cool movies are being made. We had a good movie year this year. I don't think they're going away. I just think these big $200 million movies are kind of a thing of the past that are making money. But these little indies are being made that are cute. Right, right, right.

So it still makes money. You still make money. Yeah, you could just do these lower side movies. It's got to be good. If your movie's good, people are going to talk about. People will go see it. You just can't compete with these screens. Have you heard of the term secondary screen?

Secondary Mark? No. Basically, they're making content dumb down because they know at Netflix, Amazon. Hulu that they can't compete with the phone in your hand and they have to repeat the plot line of it. Exactly. It's a real thing. So we can't compete with the phones.

We're all fine. I go home, I watch YouTube before I watch anything else. I'm like YouTube junkie. I got to put blockers on my phone to block YouTube. I'm addicted. We were just talking about YouTube blockers. Nick over here says that you do use YouTube blockers or you don't.

You do, but then another guy who was in here is younger guy said he doesn't use the blockers. But you say you've got to use the blockers. And then I go on my iPad because that doesn't have the blockers. It's like a drug. So how do you get the YouTube blockers? Is it the same place he gets his puberty blocks? Right.

It's the same guy that gives you peptides. Yes. Yeah. Nick, now let me ask you a question. If Dominican Republic would have won last night, even though I know you're not from the art. Yeah, but would you have been happier as a Latino that they beat the United States? Yes.

Get out. I got to. You're big on this national. I'm just big on the, it's just was real. I know there's just baseball. Yeah. I know it's just baseball. but it's a little bit like

guy come on you can root for the you can like fine it's fine it's festive but it's like not when they're playing in the United States right if you want if you want your team to win get to the finals I get that proud but we're in the United States I feel bad about something I lied to you guys earlier

yes I got to admit something I said I never did anything cosmetic yeah I did the hair plugs in the front ah you got as Dan Soder would call you got hair tits so what I did was I just had little thinning going on right here. The Widows Peak was starting. And I saw myself on the monitor when I was

doing Bubkiss, Pete's show with Bobby kind of a lot. And I saw on the monitor I go, oh shit, I'm starting a bald. So I just went and had very few hairs plucked and put right here. I just didn't want to lie. I take it back on it. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah, that's all. I don't know Botox, no fucking nothing else. I brush my teeth. I sleep. Do you floss? I floss.

Yeah? Does everybody floss? No, I don't floss. I use the showerhead. Now the shower, does this one you use in your ass? That's exactly right. The thing is these companies, like the They make you buy the water spritzer that you put right here. Sure. The showerhead's just as good.

Oh, that's a good pressure. Strong pressure. Yeah. And I do. I power wash my asshole and then I floss my teeth. I can't get into the back of my teeth with the floss. How do you do that? Well, what do you use?

Nothing to just shit. I have a couple of teeth where there's a gap in there where every time you eat on the right side, it gets stuck so I got to bring floss with me. See, so okay, that's the thing. Because sometimes I'm flossing back there and I'm like, I know there's nothing stuck in my teeth. But do you still have to floss anyway? I still do it anyway.

Just because I'm already in there, so you might as well do it. You know, I don't fucking know. Can you get to the back of your mouth with floss? Nick? Yeah, what do you mean? Use a water pick. I can't. That's what you, so you don't use actual floss.

You use the water pick. What did our ancestors? Okay, you guys are history guys. What did our ancestors do to floss? Did they use like sheep hair? They didn't do anything. They used to use piss. Yes.

A Greek dick? Yeah. Greek dick sometimes can act as a good. No, so. Chinese dicks can be a nice toothpick. Nice toothpick. Yeah. Because we are brought to you by rough greens.

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and they never died. They were all living to their 70s and 80s unless they got killed in a war. Yeah, well they know obviously they never brushed their teeth but they weren't eating food with preservatives and all that. They were just eating healthy. And here's another mis- The answer is peptides. You know how people, you guys tell me about this. You know how everyone says, oh, everyone died a lot younger back in the olden days.

That's not true. The average age of death is younger because babies died a lot more. People are wrong all the time, myself included. That's right. They say actually some of these people on these conspiracy people say that actually people were living longer a thousand years ago. We had people living to 150 years old because they were always walking around in the sunlight eating. We're designed to walk as hunter-gatherers. Dr. Peter Atia told me that and I believe him.

Well, Peter Atia He goes to islands He would rather If his kids in the hospital The kid would rally part He wants to know where the parties are Peter Atia told me to do peptides I do what Peter Atia tells me to do

He knows his shit I'm sure he's right about a lot of shit I mean there's a lot of health gurus out there I always just I pluck data from certain ones And I don't get too I don't get too hypnotized by some of these guys Right And they're taking my money

Right Yeah because we As we've progressed It seems like There's more spin on things Things used to be simpler, right? Yeah, like it used to be simpler. Like, even when someone invaded, right?

Like, I don't think, like, the Roman Caesars had to, like, think of a whole propaganda campaign to convince their people they needed to go to Gaul or whatever. Right. They didn't go, all right, these people, they hate our freedom. Right. They just went, we're going to kill some people and take their grain. Right. Now you've got to go with their freedom. They hate our freedom.

We're going. And you're going, like, just say, we're going to get the oil. We're going to get what we need. And then, you know, it'll be simpler. Go ahead, Mr. Rex. Ask me why we say the right and the left politically. Why do we say the right in the left politically? French Revolution.

Why? What happened? Didn't they say the right, the people who are conservative go to the right? Well, Chris would say the right, but didn't it switch? It didn't it used to be opposite? Yes, the right is right and I wish the left would leave. Yeah, the left's doing bad. I'm just talking.

I just thought of that. Nick, Nick gets upset. Nick's a communist and Nick saw weird. So we are all people, because listen, I don't know shit about politics. I feel like an idiot. I don't get involved. But does that mean if you're a lib that you're a communist, that you only don't want to share, that you do want to give your money? That's what they say if you're, if they say right now.

Communal, commune, communal. Like Mom Donnie and all that. Mom Donny, the common. Right. The extreme liberals are saying that left is more communists and the extreme conservatives. They say are more like authoritarian, like Hitler type. You are correct. The political term left and right originated the French Revolution in 1789.

I didn't know that. How did you guys? That's why I'm here. But I know about the French Revolution. But that, yeah, it was, I think. Because the deputies opposing the king sat on the left while supporters of the monarchy and tradition gathered on the right.

That's right. That's why we say left and right wing, baby. Very smart. I like it. See that. We learned the fun factual. I like that. Yeah.

Now, did you see the movie Napoleon? I did. And that was some incorrect information. They never bombed the pyramids and shit like that, right? They never did that. That's false. That's supposedly the movie. It was okay.

He did a Cleveland accent, and I'm a big Joaquin Phoenix. He didn't even do an accent, and everyone was British for some reason. Yes. They always just divert to British in these movies. It's a little anochronistic. Yeah, oh, what does that mean? Okay, let me kind of break that down. Anachronymoc.

Anachronistic. Anachron. Anachron. Anachrish. For anus and Christ Christ. Exactly. Yeah. They had the wrong, you're putting the wrong kind of time period.

I could do the whole episode with you guys, but I won't because you guys don't want to learn what I have up in here. No, I want to know. You do. I could do the whole thing. You say you got 20 or 30 minutes and then we teach people shit. I'm learning you guys. Well, but we just, because we just think with a guest, it's always nice to tell them that. If you want to keep going, we could always keep going, but it's like, we don't want to take, we feel bad taking up two hours.

Oh, I have nothing else to do. Of guest time. But it's not, I say this because your fans might be like, fuck this guy, get him out of here. No, actually they like, we had Matthew Modine on last week. They loved him. Oh, really? And D.B. Sweeney. I took a kung fu class with Matthew Modine. Really? Yeah, he was in my class. Is he like, don't get anyone?

We're talking about the actor, the actor. Don't hurt the animals. Matthew Modeon. He's a vegetarian. Yeah. Great guy. I took a Kung Fu class. And his wife's Latina too.

Oh, wow. Puerto Rico. Look, I love the Latino women. Yeah. I learned, here's another thing. This isn't history, but I think this is more under the realm of some biology. You know, you're, this is funny. I got a, I'm attracted to Latino women, the smell, the neck, the nape, if you will.

You know that you are attracted to someone of opposite of your genetics because the baby will have a healthier immune system. You knew that. If I had a baby with a Jew, I've had two back surgeries because of my lower back, 75% of Ashkenazi Jews have lower degenerative disc issues because we imbred for so long. Right? So I want a Puerto Rican, a Dominican, maybe half and half. Latina all day long.

I got set up on a date by my buddy in L.A. And I went on a date with this girl and there was no sparks. A month later, my mom hits me up. You have a cousin in L.A. You should go meet her. I went on a day with my fucking cousin. What if we would have hooked up? Whoa.

That's crazy. First cousin? No. I don't know. I mean, is she Jewish? She shouldn't. Yeah, but I have a nice girl for you. It was my cousin. And my mom is from Elizabeth, New Jersey. She kind of speaks like that. Yeah. See, I got a Jewish mom from Jersey, so I feel an affinity for the New York area. I lived here for five years. Yeah. Loved it in the 90s when you went on the 90s when New York was really dangerous. You got in the Times Square. It was dangerous. It was dangerous. It was fun. Could be in the lower, the East Village, you're going to get to smell? Could you tell by smell that it was not for you? I didn't get to smell. We were sitting this far away. I didn't think. I didn't. We were sitting this far away. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I feel the thing. Right. Right. There are some Jewish girls with curly hair and big butts. Oh, big time. Yeah. That's what I'm looking for. Yeah. No, there's some nice. If you're a curly-haired big butt Jew, Simon Rex wants you. I bet you we have some curly hair big butt juice. Yeah, Galadocan

can get cracked open and cleaned like a, like a cat. Israeli women are, they look Puerto Rican. Yeah. All these girls women look Latina. By the way, the one thing I will say, watching that back to the world baseball classic for a second, the one thing I will say, is watching that game last night, the U.S. versus Dominicans.

I Diosmiel, when they went into the crowd, the Dominican women who, who, look at, wait, I'm going to send this one. Dude, look at this. This is just a fucking fan. She's just, and they're just like, hey, look this. They got hot police officers. Yeah. Dude, this is, hey, I'll send it to the group, Jess. This is, I mean, these girls are absolutely gorgeous.

So I will say the Dominican women fans can root for whomever they want. And let's be honest, Venezuela has beautiful women. universe. I feel like you tell me historically the gene pool of that region. So you have a native Indian. Is that right? Natives. Yeah, the Tainos. Look at this. Look at this girl. Just a random Dominican fan. Hi. Hi. Louise. Look at, look at, look at that. Oh, God. Look at that pamper. Look at that. Okay. See, that's all I would. Even jazz and my fiancee saw, I was watching it this morning. She was like, yeah. She went, wow. Okay. So, so you have that region of, what is it, African? You have. a Spaniard, which is white, believe it or not.

Of course. Bad Spanish. Bad Spanish. Boy Malo. You guys brought your religion and language who are a very large part of the planet of earth all the way from South America up to South of America. Yes. You know what people say I'm American?

We're North Americans. We say I'm American. We're North American. Let's be realistic and zoom out a little bit. We are North America. We are macro. Yeah, yeah. We Americans.

Austin Canadians are North American. I said we Americans. I just did what I said was wrong. Also Mexico's North American. Mexico is Central America. No, Mexico's considered North America, Poppy, yes. It starts at Costa Rica, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua. This is a man with a fetish.

When you know all the country, when you know where Latin America starts what country, we know the latitude, longitude coordinates, we have what we call a fetish. But you're basically saying because of the mix, it created a beautiful. Venezuela, Colombia. Yeah. So if this girl was Jewish, Simon. Oh, in. You wouldn't care of.

She's your first cousin. Probably not. Yeah? I get it. And then look at the gay guy in the back, just like, hey. Most of my girlfriend's grown up were Jewish. Yeah. Every long-term girlfriend.

And they have fumes, a few of them. His trick for if a girl had fumes, you know, like stinky down there. He would go down on them and he would only do it in a half-fold-up bathtub, and he would have his tongue on the vagina and his nose above the water. How do you get in the bathroom? Like a hippo. Like a hippo. You can't put in a bathtub like that.

It's tight. It's tight. But I have a few pictures of Yani naked in the bathroom. Oh, okay. Yeah. He likes to get in the tub. He's a kid who likes to get in the tub. I like a good tub.

Yeah, I like a nice. A nice bath is nice. Yeah, you just take a bad because you like a squeaky, clean ass. No, are you sober? You used to have addiction problems? I'm the most sober I've ever been. Yeah. But I'm not sober because I'll have a drink.

Yeah. I quit smoking weed. I was a big stoner my whole life. Sure. And I had to quit the weed because I couldn't remember anything. Right. I don't. I feel like, nope, I had to quit everything.

No weed. Yeah. Yeah, so because I need my memory. I got to remember lines. it takes all of my RAM, random access memory, to access my brain power to remember monologues and shit like that. We were just talking about, we would debate a lot in here.

Just before you walked in, Jesse and I, we were talking because we're saying how in Shakespearean times, well, Yannis was saying this, Shakespearean times, Elizabethan, sorry, but it was this, the playwrights, the writers were the ones who got all the credit, and the actors were looked at as kind of low-end job, and it was like that, like, they were never, there would never be an award show for actors.

It would be for the writers. And we were saying that, Jesse was saying acting is very difficult job to do. And we were both in agreement. It is, but we still said the writing of it all is still the top thing. That doesn't feel like it's as rewarded as the actors. Is that true? Yeah, I would agree with that. There's a famous movie.

The kid stays in the picture. I don't know if you guys ever saw that documentary. The producers, name escapes me. He said the three most important things, the script, the script and the script. It starts there, and there's a lot of bad writing out there, as you guys, as writing comedian guys. There's mostly bad out there. So when you get script sent to you, you pass on,

I'm lucky enough I could pass on these because I'm working these days. But normally you would just do a shitty script. Yeah. But lately I get to kind of navigate and be like, oh, I want to do this one. This is good writing. And you could tell just like watching a movie or reading a book in the first 10 pages, you're like, this is good or bad. There's a lot of bad.

What's the biggest, like, regret? Did you ever have something you passed on that you thought, oh, that could have? Well, the passing has only come recently. So I don't know if anything's really come out that I passed on that I saw that I should have done. But speaking good writing, I just got to do a movie with Nick Pizzolato, True Detective. Now, that motherfucker can write. I don't know if you ever watched True Detective, but it was very existential.

You know, it was Matthew McConaughey's character was just, you know, doing like philosophical rants and it's beautiful writing. So I just got to read his words. And when the writing is good, it just flows. It's musical. It's Shakespeare. And there's like a rhythm. Sure. That's called the Pantamic Arameter or some shit.

I forget this. Something like that. Something like that. And it's the rhythm of the writing. It's music. Yeah. And Nick Pizzolato. Comedy is the same thing.

Nick Pizzolato wrote true detective. Nick Pizzolato, I've seen a couple of his things. I know for a fact, Nick Pizzolato. Is Italian. Is a guy who's going to root for the USA in the World Baseball Classic. He's a patriot. Even though his last name says Italy, he's going to do the right thing. Yeah.

Which error did you like the best? Of what? Of your career so far. Because you've had some different ones. The most fun I had was when I lived in New York as of VJ in the 90s just because I was fucking, it was like I'd go to work for 45 minutes and then I'd have all day off and I was

living in New York in the 90s. That was the most fun low stress level job. So that was the most fun. And then I had my, during what I like about you era, that was great too because that's when in early 2000s, there was so much money getting thrown around. Like I bought a house. I had a couple cars in the driveway. I was bawling.

And then I started making music with my buddies in the spare bedroom as a joke. And then we got some, to Interscope records and we're on tour with the Chili Peppers. And I went off on the road to do music and my acting agents at the time, it's like Blackberry days, they'd be emailing me and they're like, hey, we have an ER audition for you. And I'm like, I'm in Europe with the chili peppers. Like, what the fuck are you doing?

I don't know, but this is fun. Yeah. That was a lot of fun. Touring, doing music. Then I hit 40 and I'm rapping about doing coke off my own dick and it got old real quick. Right. And I was like, shit. I blew it.

I should have stayed doing what I like about you for the kids. Yeah, yeah. And if I was like, fuck, so I had a midlife crisis. I started going to yoga. I became that guy. I hate myself. I even went down to stoic road like you and then I realized this is bullshit. I talked about that once.

What the fuck am I doing? I'm trying to sleep on the floor. I'm an asshole. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. I got off that. I had a crisis.

Got through that. I'm on the other side of that. And now I got my acting career back. So I'm happy and I'm here with you guys. And we're riffing and raffing. And you got the most knowledge and you got the most experience. And it's good. And now, let me ask you this.

First of all, in that show with the man to find. A good song, though. Jenny. I like that song. You know who else is in that show? Gert nasty. Oh, yeah. Dirt nasty.

You know what else is in that show? Who's gorgeous? Jenny Garth. She was a beautiful woman. She passed away? No, she's alive. No, she's alive. Amanda Binds didn't pass away.

You said Garth. Jenny Garth. From Beverly Hills now. Yeah. Yeah. No, the other girl from Beverly Hills. Oh, yes, it's just. Shannon Doherty.

Yeah. So Jenny Garth and that and Amanda, do you still keep in contact with Amanda? No, no. I mean, Amanda, I tried to reach out to her a couple of times. Wild. Yeah, I'm concerned about her. I hope she's doing all right out there. You know, see her Instagram posts, and it's concerning.

And I had nothing but love for her. She was like my little sister. She's wild. She was 15 years old when I was, you know, 28. Yeah. And, you know, I was very protective of her. Yeah. And so I've, you know, reached out a couple of times.

Wow. Yeah. I think she's got. That's her? Yeah, she has a mental health disorder. Yeah. But, you know, kids shouldn't be famous. Let's just be honest. Yeah.

Oh, you break it down to, look, it's hard enough for an adult to deal with the little low level of fame that I've got. It's a head fuck. And I'm sure you guys deal with the two on your level. It's all fucking weird. But a child shouldn't have that, even though she was so fucking talented. Like her comic timing and her instinct was,

I was learning from this 15-year-old kid every day. I was like, she's brilliant. But fame. Yeah, fame is a mask that eats away at the skull. 100%. The soul. 100 calls young. They, they, my daughter, oh, my 10-year-old always is like,

Dad, I want to do YouTube, want to do YouTube. I said, listen, you don't. She's like, oh, but you do it. I said, yeah, I'm an adult. I said, to me, it's very much like, If I was giving you cigarettes or alcohol, I'm not going to do it. You can make, I said, if you want to be creative, you can make things, I'll give you a We made our little private YouTube, but you cannot put this out to the public ever.

Good parenting. Good for you. You can't. We need more parents like you. Because to me, it's like any time I see like a child star, even on social media now, like these people, like when I see it, like, there it is, like, there is, like, there is, like, the Rizzler or somebody like that on social media, they wanted to come, he wanted to come do the podcast. and it's not that I don't think it's funny. I do. I don't want to be a part of his, what I hope is, it doesn't happen,

but it seems like he's on a path for demise. Rehab. Yeah, because it's like, you're just got the, you're getting famous, you get recognized,

it's so unnatural and it's like, I know I'm not going to do anything to stop it. I'm not going to sit here on my soapbox. I'm like, this is wrong. Right. But I'm like, if the little thing I could do is not be a part of it,

because I think it's the worst thing you could do to a kid. I think we're going to look back, I cut you off. No, you go. I think we're going to look back at social media for kids like we do smoking on an airplane. How did we let people do this? What wrong with us as a collective society? I won't let my kids smoke on the kids. People smoke on an airplane. It's bad. Yeah. Social media, everyone's famous now.

Yeah, and this kid is great, but I just don't think the brain can adapt. I mean, you know, the guy with him on the left, I mean, that guy should just be, you know, I would, I'd like to send him to Tehran. I also think probably just on a surface level, not even looking too deep to it. It should, It probably is very hard to, like, pop as one thing. Sure. And then it ends. Yes. And then you're dealing with that, and you're like, I got to reinvent my stuff.

That's probably why I always reinvent my stuff. I think I didn't. No, it wasn't by design. I had to. I just survive. I'm in survival. Yeah. I'm always in fight or flight.

And some people probably just can't handle that pressure. Dude, you got to adapt. You got to be malleable. And that's kids. Dude, I watched this whole documentary on Olympic athletes, even the great ones, like Michael Phelps, when their careers are over because they've only identified as one thing. The amount of, they have a very high suicide. rate.

By 31, what do you do? That 31, you did it. Washed up. Okay. I'm not to name drop, but it's relative to the story. Mark Ronson, buddy of mine, he won all the accolades. Oscar for, I can't remember the name of the movie. He won the best Grammy for Uptown Funk.

He said he had the Grammy, the Oscar. He said it lasted three days of him kicking his feet up like, I did the thing. I got it. And then he said, oh shit, now what? Now what? And he had the money. There's a good crisis to be in, by the way. Right.

But that's a real thing. But that happened to him at like, you know, 40, so he's been through. But these kids much, where you go? This is where it comes in where we're telling you as parents have a kid. It's good that you froze your spurn because then you don't have, it's not about reinventing yourself. It's like, oh, my purpose, first thing about me is

I'm a dad. That's the first thing. Yeah, but some people that get selfish to have kids. I think Simon, it would be selfish. Why? Because Simon's for the table. For the table. He's for the table. You know what that means for the table? No, what does that mean? Well, we say somebody or something's for the table. That means everyone can take a bite out of you. You're a piece. You're for the table.

If this is Roman times, we'd have you up here butt naked, tied your arms and your legs tied, and we'll be taking a little lick. Hot. Hot. Sometimes you just got some people are for society. Yeah. So I'm a table. You're for the table.

Not everybody's for the table. Meaning they would filet me with a pig with my mouth. Suck my ass. Meaning you're such a piece. You're such a good looking guy. Oh, man. You got a nice glue gun. Yeah.

Meaning that like if you were to get married to one woman, that would be selfish. You're doing a service. I've soiled my oats enough. At this point, I think I would be, I calm down a bit. But I have 51. I still got the sex drive of a hungry hyena. That's what it is. Yeah.

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that don't last. Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash hyenas for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince. com slash hyenas. Once's the last time you had sex? Once's the last time you port? It's been a couple weeks. No, I bet. Now, do you have sex? Is there the same woman out there? Is it Randos? How does it work? Eat on social media? No, no, there's a girl's hanging out with, but it's Nothing serious. Nothing serious, but that's nice, but you're up front. You seem like you're also up front about it. You're like, listen, it's not serious.

I'm Simon. I don't want to live in a world where I know he's tied down. Right. But if he froze his brother. Not good for the country. But why does he have to have a wife to have a kid? That's correct. That's true. Right?

Just have the baby. That's a good point. And that's a possibility nowadays. Those options are on the table. Big butt, curly hair, Jews is what we're looking for. Yeah. If you're one of those people, if you can identify. Or Latina.

Or Latina. I got a funny, quick, can I tell a quick funny way? Absolutely. there's a synagogue on Eldridge Street that's a famous, it's a famous... Nick, put it on the list? Yeah, check it out. It's a beautiful... Oh, I think I'll pull up an image.

There's a beautiful synagogue in Chinatown on Eldridge Street below Canal. And when I lived in New York, I never really gave a fuck or was connected to my Jewish roots whatsoever. Right. And as I've gotten older, my mom would always say, you need to go see our family synagogue. So I go and I take a tour the other day of my synagogue of my great-great-grandfather, Rabbi Yudlovich, was the number one rabbi in the United States. Wow. And he was the first man to marry Jews from different tribes around the world to spread the Jews around. That's your grandpa.

That's my great, great grandpa. So I went in there and there's a picture of him like Jesus in a church of Rabbi Yudlovich. He's like a very decorated rabbi. And I see a picture of them and I'm staring at him. And they come out, it's a museum now. And they're like, may we help you? And I'm like, yeah, that's my great, great grandfather. They go, no, it's not.

I go, yeah, it is. They go, no, it's not. I go, yes, it is. They said, name your relatives. I'm like my Aunt Birdie in Florida, my grandma Evelyn, my grandpa Harold. They all migrated to Florida, and they look at me in shock, and they go, you are the last man in the bloodline of Rabbi Yudlovich. And I go, I guess. And they go, you must marry a Jewish girl.

And I go, yeah, I like Puerto Ricans. And they take me to dinner, and they're surrounding me, accosting me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're costing me? Yeah. And one of the guys is spitting noodles in my face. As I'm wiping my face, he's like, you must marry a Jewish girl. And I'm just thinking, I like Puerto Ricans. And so I feel this pressure as I age to marry a Jewish girl.

So that's why curly hair big butt you is necessary If I do do that We pulled up Jesse pulled up Alana Glazer It's got curly hair It's beautiful girl She could she if I don't know what her relationship status I met her once and I blew it Oh she's got a kid okay

I bet her I blew it I growled at her I'm not kidding I'm not kidding I met her at the premiere of a movie I did She's married And she came up and said

Good job in the movie And I went Yeah Wait Channing Tain and blink twice You were in that I was in that Very forgetable You'll miss me

No yeah what Were you one of his boys? I was one of his boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever seen that movie? No. Dude, that now is the time to watch a movie like that. Yeah, it's a very island. It's a very island. It's a very, and it's cool twist at the end. The only movie of his I've seen was Magic Mike. Cannic Tatum, yeah. Yeah, and I, I think you're born gay, but I do think you can catch it from watching that movie. Yeah, 100% you can catch it. Yep. Yeah, it's from that movie. Yeah. Do you think animals are bisexual? All animals, no. I know dolphins. I know, Dolphins

have sex with each other's family Probably the more intelligent one. Well, the dolphins. They have sex with each other all day long. The mom will use the snout as a vibrator on the daughter. Don't pigmy chimps jerk each other off a little bit. I think we label everything now. I think back in the day, everybody was just having sex with everybody.

Everybody was for the table. Well, well, we brought up a good point when we did a lot of research. Back in the day, women didn't use to shave their legs and stuff. They didn't shave their armpits. So they kind of looked a lot like your boy. So it was like there wasn't that much of the difference. Wait a second. Hold on.

We got the cast up of Blink twice. How the hell is Haley Joel Osmond listed before you? Oh, that's all right. I don't care. In this movie. Haley Joel Osmond blew out. Yeah. Oh, there's Simon Rex.

Cody. They got me at the very... Simon Rex. I'll take it. I'm happy at the end of the line. Where did you guys film this movie? Did you join? Is that from your death row photo shoot?

You don't even know how funny that is as you say that. I've been trying to get my... I look like dying of AIDS in that one. I've been trying to get a proper photo instead of my Dr. Dre picture for. fucking years. It's impossible. They're using this fucking rap picture. That looks like it in memoriam at the Oscars. I toured Africa.

I got to, how funny is this is a white rapper. I toured Africa. Is that where you got AIDS? Sorry. Doesn't that look like you'd have a Simon Rex 1967 to whatever? A thousand percent. Jeez Louise.

1970s. Wow. Now, yeah, I mean, Simon is just, you know, when I sit next to a guy like Simon, I feel like I don't have any talent. Don't you feel like that. Like, Simon is a stand-up? Guys, you guys are saying? No.

Simon is a very talented kid. That's sweet. He's very likable and charismatic kid. And also, he's also a good actor. Now, do you think he's... I actually think it's not fair and I'm a little bitter about it. Do you think he's here for a good time, not a long time? No, he's here for a long time.

I've been there a long time at this point. If it ended tomorrow, I have this attitude. If it ends tomorrow, I did it. I'm at Pee. I did it. See, that's a benefit of not having kids. Because sometimes with children, you're like, oh, shit, I got to live long enough. I need them to get to 18. I need to be there.

But if you don't have kids, sometimes, you might be like, you know what, I'll go out. Yeah, I'm at that age. You got kids, Yonis? I got two girls. Okay, so you guys are popping it up. You're Yana's popping it up. Yeah, and he got kids later.

What was it? How old are you? For the first one? Yeah, a little older, yeah. I think Simon, I think, I think Simon, like he's on this podcast, you're doing it. I think Simon's about to have a big moment. A big moment.

You can feel it, right? We got him right before he blew up. Well, he's already Simon Rex, but I think he's going to have a big. Now, when you say big moment, you think he's going to get in the Epstein file? Do you think he's next? I feel a little left out that I wasn't invited. Yeah, I know.

That means you haven't made it yet if you're not invited. He didn't even contact you? No, nothing. How about this? You know Puff Daddy right now, Diddy, whatever you won't call him? You know right now Diddy's like, yes. Yeah. He must be so happy that the heat just because he was the whole focal point for a while.

Of course. And now he's just like, I'm good. And you never got invited to a Diddy party either. No, but I actually did. No, I never got invited, but I did see him around a couple of times. And funny Diddy story. I met him at Mark Ronson studio once And as I went to shake his hand

He was like, hey, this is Simon And as I go to shake his hand I go, do I call him Diddy? Do I call him Puff Daddy? What do I call him? And I go, nice to meet you, Sean And he looked at me like I offended him so much And his security tightened up And he looked at me like, how dare you? I'm like, motherfucker I called you Sean.

That's your name. I didn't know what to call him. It all happened in a second. Nice to meet you, Sean. And I just kept walking? Yeah. He didn't like it. He didn't like it. Nope.

You know, it's funny because Epstein was like the mainstream rooms and Diddy was running like the Chitlin circuit Right, right, yeah. Diddy was running the, yeah, like Epstein was doing like your A comedy clubs, the improvs, you know, all that, the funny bones where, yeah, Diddy was doing the black room.

He was doing the black room. He was doing Mocha's up in Harlem. He was doing the five guys in a funeral. Remember that movie? Yeah. And then that starred the British guys. And then Diddy was doing the one with Cedric the entertainer. Yeah, it's just what it is.

Yeah, it was Medea's family reunion. That's what it was. Oh, yeah, here's a broader question. Every time you start to think it looks like it hurts. Yeah, oh, it does. Yeah. So we'll zoom in on that. Everything hurts.

Yeah. Do you think that this Epstein thing has happened throughout history that there was men in power, taking advantage of the, and with younger people? This seems like it's just under a microscope now, but this is, I'm not trying to play it down. Yeah. But this is probably gone on forever. Yonah speaks about this all the time. Okay.

Yeah. You look at every empire. It's all the elites at the top level, you know, Ottoman, Greek, all the, you know, Chinese dynasties, the Romans, it's just something for some reason they want kids. What do you think that's about? Do you think it's people that didn't get pussy in high school get older and are in power and they don't know what to do with their sexual energy? It's power. It's some sort of power thing. Because what's a more vulnerable thing? Why go to the kids? It's so fucking dark. Because what's a more vulnerable thing to have power

than a defenseless child. Do you think there's somehow on some union level playing out their childhood that they were fucked up from with the kid is like playing that out? I think when it comes to power is a lack of humility. So what power with narcissism? Narcism and what powerful people fear the most is disappearing their death. On some subconscious level, the fountain of youth. They want to consume the youth, corrupt. It's a dark triad. Yes.

It's a dark triad. That's the narcissism. That's malignant narcissism. It's the power and it's the Machiavellianism. It's the three of them where it's not just like they get off on the control sexually almost. They want to hurt people. It's some dark shit. And I also think that narcissists fear insignificance.

Insignificance is the thing. And now all these conspiracy theories. are saying that, like, you know, you have these videos, they say of, uh, of, you know, Hillary Clinton and Huma Abdeen, like, you know, cutting babies' faces off and wearing them and all the stuff. And all sounds. I mean, who didn't do that? We all did that.

Well, you know, you were in the, yeah, you were famous in the 90s. Yeah. So, but what they're saying is, is that they think that they do those things, if you believe in this stuff, the adrenachrome and eating babies and all that stuff is because the powers that be are privy to some kind of information of what this really is of, like, what this existence really is and they might feel that they know some type of answer that it's all futile and meaningless anyway so it doesn't matter what you do you can kill a baby whatever and it's just you're going to some other realm after this and it and it has no consequences that's

what they think is is you know something the prison planet that's straight from his group chat that's straight from the group chat that this is a prison planet we've spoken about this is prison planet and these ancient alien race that controls us this future futuristic human race that they get fed off our negative emotions. And I'm going to admit something to you right now. I know I've been hard on the Catholic Church because of the pedophilus skin, but actually I did a lot of research. Yep. And Catholic Church is no worse than Protestant churches, schools, Boy Scouts. It's all the same. Thank you. Society of large. There's good and bad in every race. There's good and bad in every church. There's good and bad in every. I think we just like to make it us and them. That's a human thing.

It's them. It's them. And I think that. Everybody. And I think that that... Which makes it worse because it's more people doing it. If it was just white and white tribe of just white people, white people, it would still be us and them somehow. Because I...

And I think that, like, you know, like that's, like, you know, good to hear is like... Clip that for your mom. It's not just, it's not just Catholicism. Like you said, things are happening everywhere. And what we need to do in a time like this is come together and have some unity. Thank you.

And kind of all say collectively that Islam is a cancer. You got me You got me You got me I'm in a sip You got me Well we could use this platform for good Right

And that's You know what I mean So Simon What's the next movie? I did a Islamic movie Did you Oh yeah?

Yeah What's your website At Simon Rex 415 No Man, that was good. Yeah. Did you see, I didn't see that what coming.

No. It's what it is. Yeah. But back to what we're talking about. Yeah. Back to what we're talking about. There's good and bad in everybody. There's good.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I agree. Yeah, we agree. Okay. I agree with you.

There's good there. Yeah. No, but there's a, look, as someone who's half Jewish, if you don't think that I'm getting a little bit scared going to my synagogue the other day to see it, as I was in the synagogue, visiting, I had a thought of the back of my mind. What if this synagogue gets fucking attacked right now? My phone alerts. Detroit synagogue attacked as I was in the synagogue.

That should happen. It might be. And look, I'm going to say, honestly, it might get attacked. And I'm sorry if that happens. I'm just telling you that there's a high chance that it won't be Christians and Buddhists. That's right. Also, you don't worry about anything happening in your phone because you're Jewish. So you'll be fine. The phones only exploded.

Well, because the phones that explode. Oh, right. Of course, that was a good move. Yeah. Ten years they waited. And if you are protected as a Jew, I think if there is any type of nefarious stuff happening with Israel and Netanyahu, I think that you are protected. I would assume that the Israelis are a fan of you.

Maybe. I don't even know if they know who the fuck I am. I've never even been outspoken about being Jewish until I'm not even practicing Jew. I've never even been to the temple. He's the type of Jew that the people who don't like Jews don't think exists. He's a Jew. Like they all think that the Jews are like all together sitting around going like this. I'm not getting buried in a Jewish cemetery. I got a tattoo right here.

I don't understand the religious part. They're just like normal people. I could tell us the Jew, but that's, I'm German. is that I feel no connection as an American. I'd have no understanding of my roots anywhere. So I'm also on my dad's side who was a redneck from a trailer park in New Orleans. I did the DNA on that side. I have a relative who was a decorated general in the Civil War.

Whoa. Yeah, no. What side? Not the Civil War. The Revolutionary War. Wow. Yeah, dude. That's crazy.

Yeah, from Ohio. I have family in Ohio and in the south on my redneck side. So it's not just a Jewish thing. Your prominent family. Rabbi, you got the top rabbi, you got a Revolutionary War General. Yeah, and then my grandpa on my dad's side had a cult. Right. But that wasn't a high profile thing or anything.

He just was playing God and had a cult and married people together and fucked all the women and all that shit. It sounds fun. Yeah, cult's like you got to do something big to get in the mainstream. You got to do like a mass suicide. Yes, Jim Jones. If a cult just fizzled out, it's like there's no mass suicide. I want to see it. Yeah, yeah.

Now, being in a cult is nice. So, like, sometimes don't you get a little overwhelmed and just you go to yourself like a nice brainwashing would be nice. Sometimes I think about that. It would be nice to what's the red pill, blue pill, what is it? Yeah. The term where you just check out, you don't, pontificate on what the first going on. You know how nice it would be to shut this off once in a while? That's what to lay my head down and not listen to you guys on a podcast to go to bed.

You guys keep me up all night. Yeah. We're not. It's his bliss. Yeah. It's just, that's a cult. You go on there. Some guy tells you, you know, what to say, what to believe.

And you just don't have to think. Dude, it's a beautiful thing. Like, my group child, my boy, Debo. Like, you know, like, he follows Mr. Met on Instagram. You want to be that. Debo? Who's Debo? One of my boys I grew up with.

He follows Mr. and Mrs. Met on social media, and that's who he talks to, and that's, and it's a beautiful thing. And he goes to O'Neils, and he goes to Mets games, and he wears shorts, 12 months a year. I wish I believed in something. I don't believe in anything. Everything's bullshit. The older I get, I think everything's fucking bullshit. Even, like, recycling. I'm always in my head.

Oh, I'm doing good for the planet. Then I read, oh, the plastic industry, nothing's even being recycled. my buddy goes, let's see, he puts one of those Apple trackers in his recycling, we watch to go right to a landfill. Everything's bullshit, dude. Unfortunately, I don't believe in anything. And you just... Human connection is not. Human connection. That's why we're here. The phones off, we get to connect you. I'm even

starting to talk like you guys. I'm a chameleon. I evolve. Right. I evolve. Make your life. You adapt. You adapt. You adapt. Make your life smaller. Do you make your life smaller? The answer is always to be kind. At every time, you just be kind. That's it. That's all you can.

That's all you need. Think globally, act locally. All you could do is like make the room that you entered a better place when you leave. That's nice interactions and then hopefully will have an effect. That's all I try to do. I go in with an intention of like make this motherfucker laugh. Make you feel good. The barista, whoever.

I tell my kids all the time, Daddy doesn't have many answers. The only answer I have is the always the right choice is to be kind. There you go. Always. Yes, right choice is to be kind. You call out, you text Mark Ronson, you say, hey man, what are you doing today? you and Mark Ronson, what's the day look like?

We went and saw a movie the other day, which I highly recommend called a poet. Colombian movie, beautiful women. Colombian movie blew me away. We went and saw a movie. I helped him out with his kids.

He has two beautiful daughters. A lot of daughters going on around lately. A lot of the water. Beautiful daughters. I helped them. We went to daycare with them. I hung out and it was uncle. So, yeah, very wholesome.

He's a very sweet. Is his sister DJ? Yes. Samantha is a DJ. Samantha runs. Great movie. Recommend this. It's incredible.

Kids are squeak. Whoever the leader. He's a small kid. No, it's very entertaining. Was anyone in the theater? Six people. Yeah. Movies aren't in the theaters

aren't doing too well. It's tough. Now, only the big budget ones, like you said. Well, actually, those aren't doing well either. No one's going to see these fucking Marvel movies anymore. They're tanking.

I don't know. I don't know. That I don't want to say. Well, they played it out. It's like how many times can you do Captain America, you know? Yeah, that had its run. But I want to go to the movies.

I want to go to the movies with my kids. We need an escape. We need a kid. I want to go to the movies with you. I want to go to the movies with you. Do you guys find that watching a movie now? It's almost like reading a book,

like the attention span from the social media shit has just made us not be able to digest long form. Like, reading a book is fucking arduous. It's hard. Everybody listens to them now. Yeah. I try to do it. I try to minimize my screen time.

It's not easy. What you have to do with Janice and I do, and it's just something that works for us. It doesn't work for everybody. But the only way that we found to get off our phones is when we want to go take a walk and just disconnect. we take our phones and we shove them up our ass. That's beautiful.

With lube, we use lube and we shove them up our ass because it is a 45 to 60 minute process of us being able to get the phone out of our ass and then when we get it, we'll look at it. But while we're walking, our phones are in our anal cavity. That sounds interesting. Maybe if they make a new form of phone that can go in your ass, make it as a suppository. I saw this thing ironically on my phone looking at it called Going 90s where you leave your phone at when you go out for an hour with your buddies and you go 90s and you just leave that shit home because I'm old enough to remember life

before social media. Us too. And you used to have to be a latchkey kid. You would just, you'd go outside and play till suppertime. You would be back by dark and you were in feral in the streets running around. And I think kids now, they're not,

they're wired differently. Do you think there's, do you think there's going to be like a rebellion against that? I think it's going to 90s thing. It's already happening. You know what's happening is that 15 year olds, whatever millennial generation that's called, are like, oh God,

mom and dad are on TikTok, that's lame. So it's already full circle. Dude, my... Are we going to full 90s, though? Like, Mark Wahlberg is going to, like, beat up a Filipino guy in the street 90s? I hope so. That's what we need back. Yeah.

Old racism. I mean, to the streets, not on the phone. Even what you said early in the podcast, you reminisce about New York in the 90s. We all do. So Kate Moss. It'll go... We'll get back there. I mean, dude, look at them.

I'm wearing these fucking bell-bottom jeans. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Jay and Jesus. Yeah. I mean, you are just a kid with a leaky room. Yeah, would have St. fucking job. I'm going back to the 90s, baby.

How old were you, you guys are... I was born in 1984. I was in high school. I'm 10 years old and I'm a 74 guy. You? 75. Is that Greek years or that's American? That's accurate. That's accurate. So, the internet is 76. Yeah. Yeah. So we're same, we're same generation. Same generation. You remember? Those were, 80s were the best. 80s were good. Yeah. So I think that it is because I noticed even my 15 year old stepson. He doesn't follow anyone on social media. He doesn't even want social media. I love that. He doesn't because he's, he's you. He's like, dad. He's mom and, you know, stepdad, like, this is, this ruins your life. So he doesn't, he's, it is interesting to see these kids. They're walking.

He's not glued to his phone. That's a beautiful thing. He won't text people back. So that's kind of nice. Yeah, it is nice. I think that's where it's going. I think it's just, it's exhausting. I think we're all collectively exhausted a bit.

I know I am. It's just like the brain rots. Yeah. I sit there like in my hotel room and I just, I was like last night, I forced my, I had to force myself to turn the shit off. Yeah. I had the TV on with the fucking. I'm watching twins.

I like watching 80s movies. I'm watching twins. I got the iPad going with a podcast And I got my phone in my hand I'm fucked I got three screens going Now we're genuinely for real for real Do not have an apartment right now

Or a home? No no no I do I live in Silver Lake Which is in L.A. Oh so you have a house Yeah I got a place And then I got a little getaway pad And Joshua Tree I had to buy I had to get the fuck out of the city

After my whole life in San Francisco New York L.A. When I was about 45 I got it I need something different So I bought a little shipping container house In the middle of nowhere in Joshua Tree Off Grid, Solar, Waterwell Septic Tank

And I go there there and I go on my Instagram. Wow. Yeah, right. You go to five pieces that you look at your phone. And it's shipping, yeah. In a little tiny house. Shipping containers are the new thing.

Everybody's putting a house in a shipping container. It's a little modern spaceship in the middle of the desert. It's fucking beautiful. It's better than sexual slavery. You know, it's awesome. And I go there to just decompress and I try to stay off the fucking screen. But you know what? It's hard, man.

It's like a addictive personality. You just, I need stimulation. It's the ADHD. And everyone says ADHD and narcissism incorrectly these days. But there are some narcissists and there are some people with ADHD. And I was diagnosed. at 47 years old. Really?

Yeah, as combination ADHD, which is hyperactive and inattentive, right? But I didn't want to take Adderall. I didn't want to take stimulants. So I got diagnosed, Pete Davidson gave me a therapist, who's like a professor of Columbia, diagnosed me. He's like, dude, you answered every single question.

You have severe combination ADHD, which is a superpower and is crippling. Great for your career, horrible for relationships. I need new. I need... And you're not on medication. No, I'm taking something called strata, which is a non-stimulant,

which pumps a little bit of dopamine to calm you down. Got it. It's obviously not working at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you burned a thousand calories on this podcast. Yeah. You know what I think it's the short form. I think it's just short form.

Short form YouTube contact. People got cooked when the TikTok algorithm. That's exactly what it's fine. I don't do TikTok. I won't do it. No, my daughters, if they're ever going to watch YouTube, we supervise it, but the videos have to be over 20 minutes. I won't let them watch short form stuff.

Short form stuff. There was a good era, the internet, like before the TikTok algorithm before that you know it was like they because they increasingly were trying to hook you so they kept figuring out and then once they figured out the short form it's the attention economy

maybe we'll get lucky and China or Iran will knock out our grid I hope it all gets wiped out wouldn't it be great if we got knocked out much I'm sick of posting my own shit look at me look at me look at shit the fuck up no dude I like that they say the new Ayatollah of Iran is gay that's what they're saying so I actually like that for them I like that there's a new gay

that would be nice the gay Iranian Yeah, that would be nice. I like that. Aganian. A Ghanian. By the way, you know who... Gayatola. You know who you really want?

Actually, I know you want them to be Jewish, but Iranian women are probably the most beautiful women. I don't see them under the thing. Well, but you're going to, hopefully, with the regime change, you're going to see. If they got curly hairs and big butts, I mean, I honestly think Iranian might work for you. My buddy hooked up with a Persian girl in high school and said it was the best sex he ever had. Yeah, I mean, look at this girl.

Look at that TikTok. There's tons of Persians in L.A. Beverly Hills. Yeah. Dude, there's a Kimmy. Crystal Marie. Adam Carolla's girlfriend's absolutely breathtaking is beautiful Iranian.

Yeah, Iranian, Persian, whatever you... Because Persian, they're not really Muslim. They're mostly Zoroasian. No, they are Muslim now. No, they are now, but I'm saying the true Persians are Zoroastery. They're all different religions. That was like 1,400 years ago, but yeah. But I'm saying, no, but like in the 70s, before the Iatoma...

They were just secular. They were still Muslim, they were secular. But they didn't care. Yeah, they just kind of were doing their thing. They were like Christian the way me and you were Christian. Right. Well, I'm hardcore. I got Catholic tattoos on my body, and now you're coming over.

Yeah. Janus is starting to see the light of Catholicism. Yeah, I wish I was religious. I don't, I'm agnostic. Right. I don't know. You'll pay for that when you die. Yeah, exactly.

So then I'm not going to hell at least because I don't know. Well, no, the Christian scripture says everyone's going to hell. So because someone wrote that in the book, so however many years ago, that means it's true. Go ahead. Take your chance, Simon. What's interesting is I think we've gotten to a point. We've evolved to a point where I think even the most skeptical people, even the most agnostic or atheistic people have realized, you know, through our invention of AI, we created intelligence

and how far we've gotten with mathematics and physics and how we've looked at particles. I think we know like there's, we've, something had to start it. Something. We've gotten so smart that now we're asking that question. Like, there had to be a start or there has to be. I just don't know what it is. Yeah. Is it a black woman?

Is it a white man? Was Jesus white with blonde hair and blue eyes and long hair? That's why I get lost to him. Yeah. If anything he was the woman. Jesus was probably dark skin, let's be real. He was from that area of the world. 100%.

When I go to a church and I see a blonde hair, blue-eyed area in Jesus, I already don't buy that. No, Jesus looked like Nick. Yeah, Jesus looked a lot like that. Yeah. But yeah, God probably has more feminine qualities than masculine qualities. I would imagine. Unconditional love, creator. Even us, we got tits that don't work.

Yeah, what are we doing with these? Yeah, they say Adam was made, Eve was made from Adam's rib, but like if you look at us, we still got the tits. And is it a coincidence? that McDonald's comes out with the McRib only occasionally? Think about it. Let that sink in. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one.

That's a good one. That's called apophonia. You know what that means? Apophonia is when you make connections that aren't there. Oh my God, that cloud looks like Moses. It kind of just looks like a fucking frog too. That's what schizophrenic people do. But listen, if you're going to get a mental illness, schizophrenia is a good one.

That's a fun one. I'm jealous of my conspiracy theory friends. If I get that one, don't fix it. Let me go. You're living. Because then you're like the CIA wants you. Massage is looking for you. You're in.

You're having excited life. Well, because perception is reality. So their reality is amazing. And reality's boring. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. Actually, that's what it comes down. Yeah.

It is quite boring. And you know what? Boring is good. I saw this thing. Can I share it? Yes. There was this thing I saw. They did a Harvard study.

And Harvard usually has smart people, right? Didn't you go to a good college? I went to a decent college. Okay. Yeah. I think I remember hearing that. So they did a Harvard study where they're saying we're so overstimulated that we need to be bored more. That when you're bored is when you will, instead of downloading information all day,

you will come up with a thought. I should write the book. I should do it, but instead of constantly needing to be stimulated. I remember when you'd sit on the bus or the train and you just look out the window and there's no phone. That's great. And that we need to be bored more. We need to embrace boredom. So they did its thing where they put people in a room for 30 minutes with nothing, no phone, no book, nothing.

But there's a buzzer in the middle of the table. If you touch the buzzer, you'll get an electric shock. 80 plus percent of the people took the shock over sitting there for 30 minutes without anything. So we all need stimulation so much that we're fucked and be bored. Do you know what I miss? I miss getting hard for no reason. Well, do you get hard on the middle of the night still? I still get them.

I still, when I wake up, I got a Woody. But I miss like you're sitting there in school and you just get hard. That was great. That was great, dude. I'm hard right now. Yeah. You remember when you should just get hard for no reason? Yeah, well, that's being young.

Dude, take peptides. Yeah. You might get hard again. Life changes if you don't get hard for no reason. I had a wet dream recently. Really? Not kidding. I've had like two in the last, I think it's the no weed.

My brain is just, so I had a couple of, Wet Dreams recently. You woke up covered in Spluge? Dude, and I woke up laughing. I was like, you have to be kidding me. I talked to my doctor. He's like, it's very healthy, Simon. Yeah. Yeah, it is healthy. It shows very healthy. Very healthy. You didn't need to freeze you. Somebody scared you into freezing your sperm. You got good sperm. I just did that in case a helicopter crashes into my dick in Israel or something. Yeah. Which could happen. It could happen. Helicopter, yeah, it could crash into your dick. A helicopter could crash into your dick.

The blade could just nick it. Yeah, yeah, it's all random. And that's all random. And that's all random. Is it all random? No, go. Is it random? Is it random? Is it random? Is it random? Is it random or is there a design? Was my life already pre-written or is there free will? Huh? What do we? God, I hate myself. We don't know. We don't know. We just don't know. What do you think? I think it's random, but then sometimes I want to believe it's not, but I don't know. I just don't know. The older I get, I don't know anything.

What if it's both? What if it's a little bit of both? You know what? There's a lot of truth two things could be true at one. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. No, not 100%. 50%. 50%. Because that's 60. Yeah. We ended up working together and creating comedy together, our birthdays are two days apart. Ooh, and 10 years apart. Nine years.

Nine years apart. Nine years. That would be eight years, 363 days. But who might have about this one? My dad died, right? And then a year later, my daughter was born on his birthday. Wow, that's beautiful. So that's where it's a coincidence.

Maybe there's a coincidence. Maybe there's math behind it. Yeah, something going on. Yeah, you subconsciously without free will or free will impregnated the misses to have that happens. It's crazy. There's a one in 365 chance in that happened. That's weird.

That is weird. How about this? Our birthdays in my family. I have my fiancés in April. My daughter's in May. My second daughter's in June. My stepson's in July. I'm in August and my dog's in September.

Wow. What do you know what the chances of that are? We could ask chat. Think about, I mean, that's very, very minimal. That's a very sequential fun pattern. Yes. Every month. every month from April to September.

Okay. Okay. Now, is it like the 30th and the second? Or are we talking a month in between pretty? No, pretty much. It's April 14th, May 19th. Capricorn, Geminiac. June 24th. What about astrology? Do we buy that?

Depends on how hot the chick is who believes in this. I love it. The chicks do believe it. Yeah. Guys, you shoot. I don't know. I usually go, like, when somebody's like ultra-liberal, ultra-conservative, I want to know what his chick is like. Yeah.

Because usually the guys go the way they check. Checked. Right. Yeah. I'm a cancer with penis rising, and I'll tell you something. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

The fact that you know the signs is pretty bad. I was joking. I don't know the signs. When a girl says, I'm born in January, I go Gemini. They're like, no. No. And I say eight of them. I'm like, see, I knew it.

Yeah, it's an icebreaker. Who did you date? I'm trying to think. Any public ones? Yeah. Who's the public ones we know about? Well, it was public. Oh, Paris Hilton.

Yeah. I remember that one. Yeah. And it's funny because that's not even my type. Was it hot? Was that so hot? She's a friend of mine. She's sweet. She's smarter than people. No, she's smarter than people think. She knows exactly what she's doing.

She's smarter than people think. And she's having a fucking ball. Bro, I never thought. I had so much. You talk about what was the most fun I ever had? Oh, me and her did a movie in Miami. National Lampoon, zero percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Worst movie ever made, we had a fucking ball. Dude.

The thing is, people that say, oh, Paris Hilton or. Markle never dated. Or the Kardashians. It's like, or the Jersey Shore. All these people are smart. You can't get to that level without being someone intelligent. You dated for six years, Paracilton? No, no, no, no.

What does that mean? The internet's wrong. Yeah. The internet's wrong. Yeah. So I actually prefer girls who are not in the business at all. I like to say, I'm the only actress in this relationship. I want a girl with a regular job, Latina DNA, a nice pamper, and a job.

Right. I got, I'm the dreamer who's out there chasing. You know, I'm not even chasing it. It just happens, I guess. Yeah. I have been guilty of chasing the. dream and I want a girl who goes to fucking work. Yeah, I mean you dated some

absolute fucking pieces. You know what Bobby Kelly? Bobby Kelly, funny comedian, the great comedian Bobby Kelly told me one headshot per relationship. That's right. That's exactly right. One headshot per relationship is a great, great, great. You don't want two fucking maniacs. You know what I mean? You can't have two dreamers. You need, it's called

opposites attract. You want someone normal. I respect. You know, I, yeah, I can't do the actor thing with a partner. Do you like sucking on toes, putting feet in your mouth? No, I've never been into the feet thing. That hasn't happened yet. I just like a cute girl. Maybe a couple fun outfits, talk some shit, role-playing's fun.

But I've not gotten to Epstein Island levels yet. I like a foot. It's coming. I think it's because my theory is I did okay in high school. I don't have any weird. Good theory, too. I just always did okay and you make them laugh and you're, you know. Yeah.

We're three guys who got some decent looking pieces. Got some decent looking pieces and got some decent looking pieces and got some decent-looking girls in high school. But, Yanni, you do. They want to laugh. You are the outlier, though, because you will put a, you'll put a mannequin's foot in your mouth. You don't put a foot in your mouth? I don't like feet.

You don't think feet are hot. I don't hate feet, but I'm not going after feet. Like nice feet. You know, they look good, but I don't need to put them in my mouth. Have you tried it? Yeah, I think I have tried it. Have you plugged one in? Yeah, and I was like, this ain't for me.

Well, the leg is here? Sometimes you got to find out who you are by finding out who you're not. I'm not a toe guy. You ever thrown on your mom's lingerie? I've tried that. Negative. I was very young. I don't like ass play.

I do not like... I've never... I still never had anal sex. I just... The a name is overrated and I don't like anything touching my ass. Yeah, agreed.

Yeah, because... It doesn't do it for like the nipples. It's like the nipples. I just doesn't do anything. It makes me feel uncomfortable. No, I will lick a lot. You like to lick. I like to lick things.

Yeah. Bodies things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a liquor. He's a liquor. Yeah.

You're not a liquor? I like to lick. Yeah, I like to lick. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Licking and suck and fun. That's what it is.

Yeah. Yeah, it's what it is. I'm a squeezer. Yeah, I'm a squeezer. I like to lick suck and squeeze. I like to squeeze too. Yeah, and yonis likes to bite. Yeah.

He bites and fights. Yonis. No, he fights. You never fought Yonis, he bite you. Yeah. So, okay, so this kind of takes us back to that girl we saw in the Dominican Republic. Yeah. You want something curvy because I think on a hardwired level, we want a procreation hip ratio.

And then when you have someone that looks like a little boy, which is the fashion industry for so long in the 90s. It was all the cover of the magazines was these skinny girls because I think it was run by gay men who want little boys and now we have Instagram and men are clicking the girl

with the big butt and now it's in because I remember girls used to say I had a big butt now they all want to be. Well, do you know why too because what we really see is deep deep deep deep deep in the DNA

is wide birthing hips for the highest chance of child surviving. But I mean this woman yeah I'd like her to shit in my hat yeah yes I would have her shit in my hat and I'd put the hat back on

yeah are is backwards she's dyslexic R.D. Yeah, I mean, she is gorgeous. Republican of Dominica. Now, Dominica is actually a Greek word for domino effect. I just made that up. Right. Right. I think the Dominican is actually named after something Catholic, right? Wasn't St. Thomas Aquinas from the Dominican. The Dominican Brotherhood. History going, guys. That's why I'm here.

Dominican Brotherhood. Yeah. Yeah, well, we were going to do a history episode. We were going to, we had this whole history episode plan and then we forgot you were coming on itself. I want your fans to not be like, this guy took away from me learning this week. No. No, they're not going to say that. No, they don't learn any. Nobody learns anything. And I got to be honest to you, a lot of our fans probably have paused the episode an hour ago because they're Googling picks of your piece. That's right. Yeah, go look up Red Rocket. Look at the Cog and Red Rocket. Red Cocket. Yeah, named after Santo Domenico, which was St. Dominic, which was found in

48 and named in honor a St. Dominic-Deguisman, the founder of the Dominican Order. Yeah. So then they, like, they were Dominicans, right? Like St. Thomas Aquinas was Dominican. The Dominican Republic is, you know, the first European settlement in the Americas. Dominican Republic is very, very high-ranking Latino country. Every Dominican person I know is very successful. Yeah. They're hustlers.

And it's adjacent to Haiti. Yep. Don't know what that means. But I don't know why Haiti didn't, yeah, they're not doing as great. Yeah, they should share the same island. Yeah, but Dominicans just figured out. Like a border patrol there? I think there's mountains in the middle.

Lentanas. What they say on the Dominican side, the Haitian side, they'd say it in French. He was the patron. Go back to it. He was the patron shate of astronomers. Oh, wow. Yeah, look at that. He was the patron saint of astronomers and founder of the Dominican Order.

The Patron Saint. Patron Saint. I got B-O. I like Patron. Maybe you're the stinky one. We've been spelling stinkies. I mean, you know, no, it's not that. I don't have farts.

I smelled the fart. I think it was my breath. Yeah, I smelled the fart. All right, babe. Well, look, we've been in here. We got to, how long has it been? An hour in 15 minutes, dude. Yeah, dude.

Which I like an hour in 14? A UFO. Yeah. You ever be on a plane and you catch a UFO? What is that? Unidentified fart odor. Part odor. when that happens, I look around my motherfucker,

but then when I do it, I'm like, yeah. Because the airplane does give you gas. Yeah. Barometric pressure, baby. What I like to do is, because what you're trying to do is, you don't want the reverberation of the cheeks. No. So you hold one cheek against the butt seat,

and then you pull your anus apart a little bit, and then you just push out lightly. I'd like to what I do if I'm sitting window, I fart off the wall. That's what I'd like to do. That's what you're going to do. You call glass when you do that? Yeah, call glass.

So, wait, what did we learn today? French Revolution. French Revolution. Right. And hyenas are bisexual? Hines are bisexual. No, they're not bisexual. They have pseudo penises.

Oh, so sad. Penis envy. What does that mean? Almost penis? It's crazy. So the females have a penis, but it's not functional, but they give birth out of their penis. Now, that's what I'm looking for.

Yeah. That's what you want. That's right. Yeah. They're a very unique animal. Yes. Matriarchal society, where the chicks are like, more vicious, stronger, and they roll around with dicks.

I love it. They got dicks, dude. I'm going on YouTube as soon as we're out of here. Yeah. All right, so go check out. Thank you, guys. Simon Rex. And the movies come out once again are,

uh, Toe with Rose Byrne, name drop again, and a movie called Operation Taco Gary's conspiracy theory comedy. Go have a laugh. Yeah, need a laugh. And if you don't know,

you can go watch the old dirt nasty videos, which are great, uh, the fun songs. So good. Thanks, guys. You guys are awesome. This is the most we've ever hung out.

we just met. We're new. I'm going to say we're friends now. We're friends now, man. Is this how it goes now? It's like, why would we have a conversation if it wasn't monetized? Yeah, why would we have a conversation if it wasn't paid for it by Hello Fresh? That's right. Oh shit, it's already 720. We've got to

fucking read these Patreon. Let's do that. Yes. One of the most some of the most fun we have on the show is reading the names on the Patreon, the newest members of the main truck. You guys really have some home run names. And we just We like doing it live because really the audience reaction

that tells us who the winner is. A lot of times we pick the winner and you guys tell us we get it wrong. But in here with the live audience, we never get. No, never. We go by audience applause. You guys tell us. So some of them are just going to be regular names, but some of them, you know, you guys went for it.

We got a couple of pages of names. So, well, I don't know if some of you might even be in here tonight. I don't know. But let's go, leaving off the list, My Pure Bread, German Shepherd loves to catch and collect Frisbee's. Must be in his jeans. Yes, so good. Guys, when did you sign up?

I don't want to do any anti-Semitism. No, it's not a big enough reaction. Joey Ribeiro Palma, is that you? Daniel Amtelke, wide spook. Jesus Christ. You got to get quicker. Yeah, you walked into one. Sorry about that. I'm sorry if I walked into one.

You're from Ridgewood Queens. You're supposed to be up on all the slurs. Yeah. I'm sorry. Sorry, Montenegro should have stepped in and helped me. Christopher Donaldson, Kyle Galea, swimming through the frisbee to keep Chrissy in the program. My parents saw my first nut during an ultrasound of my scrotum.

Okay? Dictator after dark. Oh, nothing so far. It's a dry list. Cream-filled. Twinkie? No? No, nothing. My Puerto Rican girlfriend is pregnant. I da me prima.

Drexler. Matt talks out her ass, call her Elon Fumare. No. Hey, Hey, Mark, it's Dean, I heard you bang my girlfriend. I swear once

I finish chemo, I'm going to kick your freaking out. Yeah, yeah. This guy He found a way to get his message out to the public Yeah Which is That's you

I think that goes on for just the inventive way Of threatening a guy By joining our Patriot That's what it is Yeah Does that go on the list or no Yeah Yeah they like that

And I really hope he wins Because he doesn't have much time He doesn't have much time Power forth Kiss me on the lips or I'm out of here That was me I'm on Pace and Neville

Fiddling myself on your leaky roof. Okay? Bear Frisbee? Like Bear Jew, bear Frisbee? Okay. Scout my pubs and found a tiny tomahawk. Grading my wife's stretch marks

like Uncle Russell. My Uncle Russell's a cat judge. He's a cat judge, his uncle. Any judges different types of cats? Is that going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then we got, don't worry, Cohen is my married name.

Josh Medlin Gray, Admiral Barrelantos, Nancy Guthrie, hide-and-seat champ. That's a good one, though. It's a good one, though. I don't know. I think

sometimes you've got to take a harsh one and just accept it for what it is. Sometimes you've got to take a harsh one and admit that it's a good one. Sometimes, hey, and you know what, because we're in the fucking basement. This is where you say shit, That's right. I think that what goes on. Next, on the list.

Then we got it on. Then we got Ron Paul's drag race. Not enough for this room. That's a good one. No, it didn't get, no, we already... Okay. You can already tell that the energy, it's not going to work. Still good, Drexler.

We've got to have some hitters. Frisbee girl put my meat in one hole and my milk in the other. It's a good one. It's a kosher joke. That's good. Coach. Is that good? Is that good?

Is that good? Drexler? Drexler? Drexler. All right. Tough. Joey D. The No Nut Kid. Okay?

Laser beam Leroy, who didn't need parents' expectations, call him a Kwamee Brown. So good. These people don't know basketball. Quame Brown, you know, right? The people that don't know list. And the people that don't know,

Quame Brown was the number one drag. pick in the NBA and he did not have a good career. Yeah. He's phased, you know. That's got to go on. And if you don't know, a laser beam is an Indian. And a laser beam

Leroy is a black Indian. That's what it is. So this kid... Maybe somebody from Trinidad. This kid is Indian. Then we got Kelly Lombardo. Then we got accidental N-bomb, aka LaRoidian Slip.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what you call a contender right there. You don't know. Black people. Leroy's. Okay. Yeah. That is a goodie. Then we got She-Mail who wants your email Yaws. That's odd, dude. Really?

From that reaction, I think that's odd. Then we got Yanni, you small-eyed cunt, for the love of Christ. Just finger my Leroy hole already. Hashtaghtag 9-11 was an inside. Yes? Yes. Yes. Then we got Monica Lewinsky's

gynecologist. Okay, a couple more. She definitely, like, she had to go at some afterwards. You know, some of the cigar just would get in there. You had to. Yeah. And I bet you got a pregnant

and they have to fucking scoop that out. They had to. Scoop it out. You have to fucking. scoop it out. Yeah, scoop it out. There's no way he was going to let it happen. Yeah, because he knew that his fucking wife Hillary would eat its face. Okay, just a Puerto Rican

Sofrito Monkey from Canarsie. I like that. Puerto Rican girl from Brooklyn. Yeah, I like that. I like that. Yeah. I like that. Mad Bull 525, John Flint, Ivan the squeak. Short kick. Obama's Chef's Swimming Coach

what am I doing here? Yeah. Song of the list. Grow for Life, Presley Huffman, Mav, John. CVG says, Tingle, my jingle, P.S. Love You, Cuzzos. Okay. Count me out.

All right. Just got you said they want to be involved. He wants to join. He's here for the content. Haley, but you can call me Mrs. Peace. Oh, wow. She's trying to hot. Good looking girl. My MIL transitioned and got even cuter. Hey?

Yanni gets half off at the optometrist. That's great. That's good. You got one eye. That's good. Drexler lists? Drexler. Drexler. But they liked it. Okay. Two hyenas, one few.

Nothing. Shit in my mustache call me the Rim Reaper. It's too good. That's too good, guys. Rim Reaper. Yes. It's like a new dirty sand. Yeah, that's good. The Rim Reaper?

Shit in my mustache? It's really good. Then we got secondhand fumes gave me cancer. Breonna Saba, Stefan Rodericks, M.C. Hammer, Sabrette Farms, All-Natural Beef. John Zimmerman. Rupol's halftime squeak cannon. If China gets Taiwan, Jersey wants that. Yeah, that's a good one.

That's a real good one. Julian McConnell. Then we got, Why is my back wet? Oh, right, I'm Mexican. And then he wrote Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. We can't.

It's too. It's two. No. Walked into one. We're going to have a few of those. We've got some naughty people out there. Yeah. Bilbo Swagons,

Ellie Bowles. Process this dick, Peter. Sorry about my brother? Yeah. Japs, japs, crackers, and wops. Race Krispies. Walked into one.

Can't do it. A group of dudes strumming their clits. Call it the Trans-Gyberian Orchestra. Absolutely. That's what you call it. That is absolutely on the list. Yeah.

Lewis Bravo, straight to the back. This is a good list. Guy glue and the three fuzzy-muzzies. $3 bill for the catapult. Call it ice capitol. Pades. Okay? Pretty good. Pretty good. Not enough. Davy Braun,

A.K.A. 3rd Reich Big Mike. Okay. James Balducci, Alex Wilson. Then we got my father left, but I vote right. Put it on. Put it on.

The people like it. That's the people's champ. That's it. That's it. Then we got third grade music teacher, made me play his skin flute. Now I love hot crossbones. It got molested is what that is What happens to the best of us It happens Genghis can't stop fucking

Um True Zinie in the four skinny Um Blasian but the piece is Leroy Way Schlong dink Black Asian kid Yeah

Bland Asian but the pieces Leroy way schlong dink Think you're outnumbered over here It's quiet Then we got great, I tried a bidet And now I'm gay Good Chicken finger

Chicken figure Real good one Then we got Virgo glue No fuse Bonnie blue sucked out my glue Now it's bad That will happen If you if you tussle with her

That will happen Then we got I also want my cut of the Patreon To go to Nick you juice And we got Coconut Monkey with a funky dumpy. What is it coconut monkey?

Hawaiian? Maybe Hawaiian. Maybe Hawaiian. Yeah. Miguel. I'm taking a guess. Nicky Boots Aquino. Then we got just 12 for the 15th time like that Twinktarn maton. Okay? McAllister Stambaugh.

Noah Sanders, Alfred E. Fueman. Chubby muzzie off the beam, A.K. Alu snack bar. No? The fat must. That is so good. Yes? No? Yeah.

Then we got the back room at Ellis Island. A couple more. A couple more, then we're done. Then we got, I got a Groupon ticket to an Auschwitz Museum, and it was just... Hold on. Here we go. I got a Groupon ticket to an Auschwitz Museum, and it was just four fat German women farting down my throat

fart. Okay. Came inside a Leroy squeak, then called him a ding-dong. Don't get it. Don't get it. Oh, because of the... Oh, right, right.

Sorry. Yeah, no, can't do it. The crowd, the crowd wasn't into it. Crystal Marie. Fucking Crystal Marie. Fuck my fat quefer. Arjun Puerwald, Holden Smith, Slick Johnson.

Then we got, Mom, can you pick me up? Uncle Gandhi took a blue chew, and now he wants to change the rules of the sleepover. That's great. That's great. That's a contender. That's a contender. Yeah.

It's a nice Gandhi joke. Yeah. Gandhi was a naughty boy. Then we got no disrespect, but I'm from Poughkeepsie. Okay. Then we got T.T. Jerry's Glockduke. Dot stinks. Bloody hell, Shela, shrimp on the Bobby again.

Okay. That means. Thomas Winkin. Then we got, I can't get hard unless you stroke on my frank and massage the beans. Buzzy Wuzzy had hair where you don't want it Andrew Santino's ginger glue gun Here for the content Brought home a dog

Now my wife's fume shoot smells like kibble Um Oh Right Okay Put that put that in the way A lot of walked into ones That's gross

Fuck thudge ooze Beating you five whole clean Chris Okay Chrissy D on JRE said I am juice free I am not, see? Okay Amanda Calabrese Skip my classes, Googled Latina

Asses, found a few giant masses Got glue all over my glasses Drexley, that sounded like a Drexel Handle my hand candle to like glue in the stew Transglue gun Call me Sabrina the Carpenter Okay Make no mistake

Joe de Rosa is a united Oh, no. Make no mistake. Joe DeRosa is an undercover. Mom Donnie's, Mom Donnie, Trump, 2028. Trans girlfriend has a bigger piece. Sometimes that happens. That happens.

Sometimes that happens. Two in the slat, one in the back. Beaners on ice. Beaters on ice. Two racist? It's a musical. It's a musical. I don't know.

I escaped from Lab 14 just to be called the Fuzzy Muzzy, Blue Legends, Tuddy Waters, and then last but not least, Galane Maxwell's Vagicel. So, yes. All right, so let's recap quick, because we got a few on the list. It's a strong list, yeah, because what time is because we got, yeah, we got a move. Okay, so here we go. So we got, the list is grading my wife's stretch marks like Uncle Russell. We need directs to that, right?

Yeah, all right, that's out of here. Hey, Mark, hey Mark, it's Dean. I heard you banged my girlfriend. I swear it once I finish chemo, I'm gonna kick. I'm sticking around. Ticking around. Then we got Nancy Guthrie's hide-and-seat camp.

Sticking around. Laser beam Leroy, who didn't meet parents' expectations, called Aquame Brown. No, no, it's not going to make it. Good one, though. Accidental N-bomb, aka Leroidian Slip.

Stick around for a little bit. Stick around because it's a goodie. She-mail, who wants your email? that didn't make them any other day Johnny small-eyed cunt for the love of Christ just figured my

Neeroy hole already Not enough Not enough That's good Okay good This is how you play the game You weed them out Obama's chef's swimming coach

Keep it around It's a mix Yes Keep it for now Keep it for now I don't think it's gonna win Shit in my mustache Called me the Rim Reaper

That's good That's really good I'm going to make an executive's decision and keep that one on. If China gets Taiwan jersey wants that night. I'm just going to stick around. This is going to be tough.

A group of dudes strumming their clips called the Trans-Giberian Orchestra. I don't know. That's the second. Because once you get to the second and third rounds, you really got to be a home run. My father left, but I vote run. No?

Didn't make it. Didn't make it. Chubby, muzzle, off the beam, a.k. snack bar. Not enough. You know what? Because he's off the beam,

if he would have just said chubby, chubby, call me alu snack bar, off the beam, you know? Didn't need it. You can't make mistakes this late in the game. It's true.

It's a very, very serious, serious game. It's like the March Fandis tournament. You really. You slip and you're out. Then we got, Mom, can you pick me up? Uncle Gandhi took a blue chute

and now he wants to change the rules and slip at that same. It's got to stick around. Yeah, we got some contenders here. Okay, so here we go. Let me just, Let me just recap. Accidental end bomb,

a.k.a. Leroidian slip. Nancy Guthrie's Heinzsche champ. Hey Mark, it's Dean. I heard you bang my girlfriend. I swear once I finish Keymom and kick your fucking ass. That's so far. That's so far. So far.

You got a Drex through the first two. We're going to let that make the decision. Although I don't necessarily agree. Obama's Obama's Chef swimming coach. Yeah, it's gone. Shit in my mustache, called me the room reparting. They want that one still.

If China gets Taiwan, Jersey wants Staten Island. That one's gone. That one's gone. That's out of here. Do you see how difficult to process this is? I think, oh, okay, wait. This is very serious business. And mom, can you pick me up?

Uncle Gandhi took a blue chew, now he wants to change the rules and sleep over me. Really good. Not enough, though. It's not enough. It's disappointed. It's got to go. I'm sorry any other day.

Yeah. Look, here, I'm going to be honest. Here's, it's really between. Let's now come down to the last. The last ones we have left are, Hey, Mark, it's Dean. I heard you banged my girlfriend. I swear once I finish chemo,

I'm going to kick your fucking ass. I love that one. That's the one. It's going to be the one. Or, just to read it, or shit in my mustache, call me the Rim Reaper. No,

The winner. We have a winner. Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah. Hey, Marcus Dean. I heard you bang my girlfriend. I swear once I finish team on me to pick your fucking ass. We're the winner.

Yeah. Hopefully that guy doesn't kill that other guy. Thank you. We're responsible. But you guys are the real winner. Yes, thank you guys. Thank you so much. We love you guys.

We appreciate it. We love you. Get home safe.