History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - The Dirty History of Getting Clean: History Stunk Like S%*t | History Hyenas

Episode Date: October 2, 2025

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What's up, everybody. We got a great episode for you. We are going to talk about the history of smells, the history of pooping, and the history of just having a dirty butt. Come see me in Boston, October 9-211, the Wilbur Theater, and the Chevalier Theater, Christycom, particularly wikis, baby. Yeah, come see me in places like Tulsa, come see me in Bozeman, Montana, Toronto, Stanford, Connecticut, West Nyack, go to Januspapascom for tickets, and as always, patreon.com slash history hyenas for bonus episodes. Love it. What's up, everybody, welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I am Chris Stefano, a.k.a. with me as always, Janus Poppice, aka Yanni Yams. Yanni yams because I like yams. I like candy yams. You do like yams because let me tell you something right now. You may like yams, but you're a sweet potato.

I'm a sweet potato, but I really do like my yams with marshmallow. I like my yams the way the blacks do it. Tell me. The blacks do candied yams. I like that. I always like that. Whenever I've had a black friend, I always like going to the family barbecue and you eat the food out of tin pants. I used to watch a porno that was VHS back.

in the day that was called bump and grind. It was actually bump and grind volume two. And the, you know, it was, of course, an African-American-based porno tape. And the guy in one of the scenes to the girl, as she was taking off her shirt, he said, let me see them candied yams. Yeah. My favorite line from the pornoes I used to watch and I still have it in my memory is she said, oh God, oh God. He said, don't call God, call Gus, make you fuss. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, he was getting blown.

He said, don't call God. I call Gus. Make you fuss. Now, because... Now when? Now we have an interesting episode. We're going to talk about the history of smelling and the history of... This is the history of fumes episode you've all been waiting for.

We're going to talk about the history of people taking a shit. And I came in with a 25% clean ass in honor of it being a 100% clean ass in the medieval times. In the medieval times. Go to patreon.com slash history hyenas. and we went off and just, oh boy. And just know that we had a good time over at patreon.com slash history. Hi, heed.

Yeah, it's behind a paywall for a reason, but we had a good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good time. If you want to come over and have a good time, go over there, and this is going to be a good time as well because today's going to be all about butts. Yeah, we're talking about yams. It's just funny. That's what it is.

It's funny that also the thing that we're attracted to on women that we want to take a bite of is also where shit comes out of. It's what it is. It's really weird. Now, listen, here's the truth. Early humans, like most animals, relieve themselves outdoors. So the fact that you can even do a poo-poo indoors is a new thing, honey-bunny. Everybody was pooping outside, just like your father did in the Korean War.

That's what he did. And he said he ripped open his asshole because his turd was frozen. You got a good memory. And he said he got cornholed. You got a good fucking memory. What it is. The memory is wild because you can't remember if you sent me a screenshot the day before because I know you sent it to a thousand people, but that you remembered that detail from so long ago

makes me feel close to you. Well, because cause feel comfy and won't for me because anything that you ever tell me about I'm going to remember. I'm just getting around. Obviously, it's just a joke you won't get. I love Asian people. Yeah, my dad told me, yeah, so he would have to sometimes take the watch and they'd have to shit outside and it was so cold that night in Korea.

Yeah. That one of his shits ripped his cornhole. Yeah. Now, let's just, we're going to get into the history of this. It's very fascinating history. But did your dad, you saying you have confirmation, your dad did not have sex with a Korean prostitute? I do not have confirmation. So it's possible.

No, I know it is so because we were having dinner with my brother in his older years. And as the waitress came over, like I think I've told him this podcast, he said, out of nowhere that did you know that Korean whores got tight pussies? Okay. Yeah. That's just what he said. Yeah. And he was speaking from experience because I think he had a Korean whore with a tight pissy. Or he had or she had a normal size pussy and he just had an itsy-bitsy piece.

And your brother responded with, and do you know the men have tied assholes? Yeah. So that's just what it is. Now, I ask you because if, if there is possibly a half Korean half white boy walking around Korea with a small head in Korean eyes, I'm going to lose my marbles. I'm going to lose my marbles big. If there's a kid that looks like you with a small head and Korean eyes listening to K-pop, I'm going to lose my mark. It's very possible.

Yeah. It's very, very possible. It's possible, because didn't your grandfather have another family? Yeah, he did, because there can't be someone out there with a small head and small eyes. That just wouldn't make sense as a human. Yeah, well, that's what I got. I got. So you're saying your half Korean brother just looks like you.

Yeah, because can you imagine that? Are you Korean? Well, it looks like that if you look at my eyes. But could you imagine if I had these eyes in a big head? It would look even weirder. It would, thank God I came out with a beetle juice head. Yeah, it's what it is. Yeah.

Now, Cus, is there another person walking around like you? Because you had your grandfather had a second family. Yeah, a second family. Which was the good old days when you could fucking get away with that. Yeah, that's really. I mean, Cus, let's get rid of the internet. Let's go back to the Stone Age. So I could just bang out a girl in Saudi Arabia.

Last 14. Because they were pieces. They were pieces. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because, now listen. Listen to.

We're going to talk about, you always come up with great ideas. Like, we're going to talk, learn all about ancient latrines, preserve feces. By the way, my dad always called it the latrine. Yeah. He still, he called the Johnny Pumps and the latrine. My father calls it Johnny Pumps. Doesn't say latrine, but he says the vestibule. For a hallway.

You're going to go to Vestibule? And he doesn't call hot dogs. Tautics, calls him Frankfurt. Yeah, yeah. And what does he call the gender neutral bathroom? The gender neutral bathroom? He calls that switcherouse. Yeah, my dad called it the blender.

The blender is... Yeah, calls it the ninja. Yeah. Calls it the neutral bullet. It's a blender because if you go in there, there's a woman in there and you're a guy, it's a blender. A blender. You're mixing fruits.

Yeah, fruits. Yeah, hold on. That's coming out of your asshole. Which is what we're here to talk about. Yeah, because listen, when you think about history in its entirety, it had major Fumare. Fumare. It stunk so bad.

People didn't know about toilet paper. They didn't really have the ability to shoot a spray in your asshole and clean it out the way Tushy does, not promoted. Right. I wish it was.

Right. So everyone was walking around with 25 to 97% fumes at all times. They also didn't wash their clothes. They didn't brush their teeth. Supposedly Queen Elizabeth I first, you know, when they got sweets, because they got sweets from the new world, they got sugar, she had a bad sugar addiction and her teeth just rotted out. But because she was so powerful

and so admired, it became a fashion statement for everyone to have black teeth. So sometimes peasants would even rub shit in their teeth to make it look worse. This is what I'm saying. I would have never, even though it's fun to watch movies like Braveheart, I want to go back in time to colonial America, I wouldn't not have been able to survive it because they didn't have sweets and Puerto Ricans weren't a thing yet. Yeah. So tell me what I'm doing every day. You're not, if I'm not eating a cookie out of Carmen's ass.

Yeah, there's one thing, there's only one thing. There's only one thing that keeps you out of depression constantly, and that's the availability of the other side of the menu at a pizza place. It's what it is. And then you didn't have pizzas back there. Because they had no Zepples, they had no potato crocats. Now, here's a little fun fact. The earliest evidence of waste management comes from Scara Bray, which is Scotland,

and that's about 3,100 BCE. So 3,000 years before Christ, so you say, oh, so we've had it for a long time. And the reality is, no, because if humans have been around for about 2 million years, we've only had waste management and toilets about like for 1% of human history. I mean, it's just about the same amount of time we've had Italian guys to work for the sanitation department. It's what it is. First, you've got to get the Italians to work for the sanitation department to be able to have a sanitation department. Yeah, and I want to also give a quick shout to all the sanitation workers we have who listen to his podcast.

Yeah, like to show. Your podcast. Yeah. Do you think back in ancient Egypt and ancient Rome, those guys came over and talked the same way? 100%. They're like, I'm going over. The Pharaoh's got a fucking jam. Yeah.

The Pharaoh's fucking, his hole. His hole got fucking clocked up. The whole got backed up and I got this Cleopatra and I like to stink my fucking sphinx cat. Have you been over to that neighborhood? The fucking houses are beautiful. If the pharaohs and the royal family, I'm telling you, they fucking latrines is nice. Their latrines is nice, but you go over there.

It's interesting, you know, I mean, everybody's covered in sand. They all look like Ma's chicken cutlets. Yeah. I got to go out to the fucking desert Go under the manholes I got to go under I bet you they got jargon for having to go under Yeah I got to go to deep seas

Yeah yeah yeah yeah clean out some fucking shit under there I gotta go down yeah yeah I gotta go under So look here's the truth is back in those days like You know ancient Egypt they did have the only the very very very wealthy homes Like the Pharaoh's homes They had limestone toilet seats over sand filled containers And they were emptied of course by the servant

So they would fill the containers up with sand and make this little limestone seat, which I would think it's not really good for the hemorrhoits. No, it's funny to think that a lot of these royals and these different civilizations had servants always that came

and took their chamber pots or whatever it was at the time. But sometimes they were confidence too. So they'd be taking a shit and a guy would be catching it in a bowl and you'd actually be asking him about what we should do about the Spanish Armada. Yeah.

Which is also very funny. It's like perplunk. And it always makes it, when it hits the tin, it makes it tint, ding! And without these kids having Sillium Husk and the right fiber in their diet, I don't know if their shits were solid. They might have been taking messy shits. They were eating rotten meat.

They were eating like salted out, honey-covered meat. Some of it was rotten. They didn't have refrigeration. They were eating berries. I mean, these guys' shits were brutal. Brutal. Now, the Indus Valley civilization, where's the Indus Valley? I don't know where that is.

It's where the Indus Valley is. It's the Indus Valley. I did the country called Indus. So this is 2,600 BC. They actually had advanced sanitation, and the homes there had toilets connected to brick-line drains that led to sewage systems. So humans are pretty smart. They figured it out. You know, the Romans were the first ones to really figure out those aqueduct systems.

The Egyptians, they'd shit in holes. They had some form of chamber pot. That was big throughout history where someone just comes basically just shitting in a ball and carrying it off and just throwing it somewhere. Kind of what I do with, like, my dog, when he shoots in the yard. Yeah, and I love the idea. I love the idea of a servant having to catch like shit in bowls

where like you know somebody like our good friend Jim Norton would do it for free He would just say on my face and he'd just be catching his mouth for free Wait a second You're gonna throw that out? Do you know how I have a bite of that?

You know the restaurants that throw out food at the end of the day? There should be right just like we said if you're having a problem with addiction of alcohol or drugs You should be moved to an Islamic country you're not allowed it.

Just like do you think people, when they throw out the shit back then, guys like Jim Norton, just the way the restaurants throw out the food, be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you give it to a homeless guy. Whoa, whoa, don't throw that shit out. Yeah. Give it to Jim Norton. Yeah, it's one of those things. They're going to use it.

They're going to use it. I got it all over their chest. Just a quick podcast plug. Jim Norton's podcast, Jim Norton can save you besides the history hyenas is the only podcast that I listen to, and it's 10 out of 10, laugh out loud funny. So do yourself a favor after you listen to us, listen to Jim Norton's Jim Norton can't save you.

It's hysterical. Jim is hysterical. He's just a funny guy. He always has been a funny guy. And he likes a little shit on the chest. He's open about it. So I'm just saying it just, I just put a connection saying, you know,

maybe, you know, maybe there were people out there back then that did it for free and that's nice because there's a little something for everybody. What do I always say? We're all bees in the same hive. We're all slices of the same pie. Different slices of the same pie.

You cannot hurt yourself. You cannot hurt another without hurting yourself. That's right. So the Roman, The Romans figured out the aqueduct system And they used to shit Together You shit with your boys

They would take battle shits As we were doing college Well they had Everything was public So they would have They would go out and there be shit in rooms Yeah So we'd line up like six of us in a row

We sit there and they would discuss Like news and politics While they shit You know what I mean Dude one time I was taking a battle shit In my old school St Joseph's College We had this bathroom Called the Gentleman's Lounge

And it was two stalls And I go in there Taking a bat and I go down and I see my teammate next to me, Timmy, and I see I knew him by his shoes and he's, you know, I just see his shoes and I'm going, Timmy, battle shits. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. And he's not kind of being himself.

And so I'm saying I'm going, you know, crazy. I'm like, I mean, a mat, like I used to drink nutriments because I thought that was like good for protein, even though it was just like drinking a milkshake, but I used to slam these nutrients. So, dude, I was taking a monster shit like, like, and dying laughing and he's laughing. I'm like, battle sheds. and we would scream, you know, we were 19. So I leave, and then I come, and then, you know, like an hour later, I see him.

I'm like, dude, what about those battleships? He goes, bro, I was getting a blowjob from a girl in the stall. He goes, so she literally, she got up and was standing on the toilet. So he did see the feet, and he was like, so I'm trying not to, he's like, we're both dying laughing because you're ripping ass. Yeah. And she knows it was you because you were yelling like, you know, Chrissy Battleshits or whatever, I was yelling back then. And I was like, wow. So she was in there like, oh, yeah.

I was just ripping it while this kid was getting a blowy in the next doll. The motto of St. Joseph's College was watch what happens. So there you go. There you have it. Wow. Now, there needs to be like a safe word where you get to blowy to let the guy know. Because just real quick, I mean, I used to be like truly like an asshole in college. You know, one time I saw this guy, he was opening up the vitamin water vending machine.

I may have told the story already in St. Joe's and I was a freshman in college and you want to like impress the seniors or whatever. So I go, vending machine. he's got all the vitamin waters out and then he goes back into his truck because I guess he forgot something so I opened up one of the vitamin waters and I took a full shit in the vitamin water and I put the lid back on it

and I put it in the back of the machine so somebody on the vending machine when it got down to it wherever many weeks later it got just a fresh turd in a vitamin water what it is fun you just gotta have funny though right

a little inventive or not have fun out there little inventive yeah kids you got to have fun out there yeah that's just what it is yeah that's fun So that's what it is. That's the kind of evolution of shitting is it went from limestone toilets to vitamin.

Yes. I wonder what those guys back then in Rome talked about when they were sitting there. I mean, you know, everyone just saw everyone's junk. You're just sitting there and you're shitting. There's just a – and then, you know, it would go into a drainage system and then it would be carried away by the aqued duck. It was pretty good. But I guess they just hadn't figured out privacy yet.

Well, you know – or they didn't care. They didn't care. And you know what it is? I don't think our brains are that different from them. back there because if you see there was like these ancient scriptures you know writings that they found on the walls I think it was like Mesopotamia or one of those very early civilizations

where they they were able to decode it and their guys are just making fart jokes to each other I probably that's what they were doing you've seen that they're making all these fart jokes and it's like so it's the same yeah it's the same yeah you know I just love that it was like hey meet me at the toilets at four right talk about this business right we're gonna we're gonna really take our grain business to the next level let's fucking talk about it on So they were common long stone benches.

This is ancient Rome with holes used communally, often without partitions. And they had a shared sponge on a stick used as toilet paper. So that was everybody was getting. Yeah. Everyone used the same stick with a sponge. Yeah. So it was like it was just one. You just passed it around like a blunt.

Like a blunt. And then you wonder why King Louis was getting anal fistula. Yeah. You wonder why people had things growing out of their assholes back then. It might have been a better time when you just didn't know about germs. Like, you know, because maybe like you just didn't know so you didn't have the stress. It's like everyone was so upset about COVID because they were watching news. Imagine you didn't watch the news.

You would just, nobody would have been stressed. I'm telling you, dude, get off social media. Yeah. And then you're not going to have any stress in your life, because. And it's just funny. Like, you know, it was just easier. Somebody dies and he really died of some sort of infection from a shared sponge. Yeah.

And but you just go, hey, you know, Hades took him. Yeah. You know, you just make up some reason why he died. That's what it is. Put some coins on his ass. put coins on his eyes and he's going in. Put some coins on his eyes. Did they do that?

They put coins on your eyes because you have to pay the toll for Hades to cross the bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit with your boys. I'd rather shit with my boys and shit alone. I get lonely on the toilet. Yeah. That's why I often call people on the phone. Yeah.

And then I'll mute it when I got to flush. Yeah. Yeah. It's just what it is. Yeah. Now, so that was ancient Rome. So this is, you know, not that advanced. Now we go to medieval times.

So it's interesting. It's almost like they go backwards in medieval times, which is one. It's really funny to think about. Yeah. You're sitting in public, right? And there's regulars there. Yeah. What's up, Jerry?

You know? And you're just sitting there, and you're just, and then a new guy walks and you're like, hey, how's it going, man? And he's just like, reach out and you actually like

make friends with a new guy. Yeah. Sitting across you, you shake, you like reach up for a second. You're fucking nuts hang out. You're like, nice to meet you. Yeah, it's like being in jail. Yeah.

But it's like being on the bus. Yeah. Like meeting a new person. It's like being at a cafe, except everyone's shit. Except everyone's shitting. So, um,

in medieval times in the castles they had waste they would actually just throw the shit and piss out of a bucket down a stone shaft that led outside sometimes into moats so the kids

they went back with the kids in medieval times had leaky roofs even in ancient Rome and ancient Egypt they knew not to shit where you eat and in medieval times

it just threw it into the water they threw it into the water so sanitation and cleanliness when it comes to wiping your asshole when it didn't go chronologically it wasn't like it went straight from like bad to good it's like losing weight you go up a little you go down a little you go up a little yeah it was it you know the ancient egyptians i thought was funny is sometimes

they use rocks to wipe so sometimes you just you a rock or a lot of times guys would scoot like a dog on grass it's what it is yeah they used moss they used leaves it's what it is they just use whatever they could i mean it was sort of uh yeah no what it wasn't a one size fits all sometimes you would just use the face of the enemy yeah you would just cut that off Yeah. Somebody's hair? Yeah, this is, yeah, this is the face of a gall. Yeah, I think once in a while, like, a guy would probably even just wipe with his hand and then lick it off like that to clean everything up. Wipe it down with your sword.

Yeah. Why the hell not? Yeah, in medieval times is where shit gets very gross. And actually, the Arabs during the Arab expansions and the Ottoman Empire, they were very, very clean. So we're going to get to that because everyone, you know, there was this, you know, obviously racist thing where people say they're dirty Muslims. going to show you that actually was the Christians who were filthy, not the Muslims. But in urban Europe, like, you know, in the inner cities, like, you know, Edinburgh and London, they actually would empty the chamber pots from the top floor a lot of times out onto the street. That's

why cities smelled awful and there was disease everywhere. And they would also blast their rap music out of the windows. What it is. And there was a warning cry in Scotland before they toss it out the window. And when you're taking a shit tonight, I want to yell this phrase, they would go, Gordon! So when you're shitting tonight, go, Gordon! So when you're shit and I go, Cardinaloo! And that's what I'm going to do, and I'm going to have my kids do it too. So that's what they would do

because a lot of times when I went to Edinburgh, when I went on a tour, they told us about that that people would get destroyed with shit and piss on a daily basis. Yeah, damn. They would just dump,

they would just dump the waste in the street. It was all over, and that's actually what contributed to the Black Plague was just how much shit was everywhere. Right. And so every,

it wouldn't kill like a million people or something to Black Plague? It's all because the guys were not focused on wiping their ass. Yeah. It really was wiping your ass. Big. Was a big problem until we came out with the toilet. Right.

And the toilet paper. Yeah. And we're going to get to the history of that because that's also fascinating. But we're getting there chronologically. Islamic world, they had the most advanced sanitation. Bath houses, running water, sewer drains in major cities, and just coming from Saudi Arabia, the bidet. Every hotel room, everywhere you go.

Bade, Biday, Biday, they spray water in their ass. They think toilet paper is barbaric. You can use toilet paper. They have it there, but really just for the tourists. Everyone gets, and if you don't have a bidet, you get a hose, you clean your ass with water. Yeah. So I'm only from now on, I'm going to get a bidetka hooked up in the house. I think I got a tushy, and I'm going to get Smithtown water pumped directly into my ass.

That's what you need. You got to get the water into the asshole. I learned in the Crusades that they would have the, this is a real documented thing that the Islamic armies would know that the Christians were coming because they could smell them from up to two miles away. Yeah. The scent was insane. We're talking about people who may be bathed once a year. That's what it is. Imagine what women's hair looked like, what men's hair looked like. I mean, and some of them had to be swim-throughs, though. They definitely swim through a lot of things. Here's the thing, everyone was a swim through back then.

I mean, when you talk about a swim through back then, though, yeah, it's like, it's almost like a Michael Phelps. It's really bad. You got to be an Olympic swimmer. Yeah. The foot. funny thing is they were just used to it they were used to it dude nobody thinks about everyone's like i'd love to go back in history as soon as you stepped out of that time machine you'd feel like russle peters going to india it's not good you'd go what the fuck think about if you're looking at like an ancient text or even a book written about colonial times or whatever time period if the author is is talking about how bad it smelled think about how bad it must have actually smelled because

the smells that they were tolerating would be awful, would be disgusting to us. So if the writer is saying it smelled bad, I mean, it probably would actually kill you. Dude. The scent would kill you, not your unconscious. Every time I've been to Greece and I've gotten in a taxi, I mean, it's just, it's like burns your nostril hair. Armip, cigarettes. Just the armpit smell from the heat and the hair, it's just, it burns. Can you just imagine that that guy also hadn't cleaned his ass in a year?

Yeah. I mean, that's a double whammy. Yeah. That is really a double whammy. We're going to tell you more about toilets and where the term crap came from right after this. Guys, one of the tools I've personally seen make a huge different for business owners is quo. Q-U-O, coincidentally, also the name of my dry cleaner, formerly open phone. You think we'll get dinged for that?

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That's ASPCA pet insurance.com slash hyenas. hyenas eligibility restrictions apply visit aspca pet insurance.com slash amazon terms for more info and now a word from the frisbees this is a paid advertisement insurance is underwritten by either independence american insurance company or united states fire insurance company and produced by ptz insurance agency limited the aspca is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance so okay so then in the early modern period which is what probably like 1600s we had privies. That's what this. Now we're starting to get a little bit more sanitary. They're starting to say, listen, we can't be shitting, we can't shit in the river. Yeah. So they got privies,

which were outdoor wooden outhouses with pits that became very common in Europe and North America. So you would just, it's basically like Abbott, it's like their version of like a cesspool. Yeah. You're just shitting. You could, by the way, you could still have an outhouse today. If you just dig a hole deep enough, you could shit in it. Absolutely. Just go right back into the ground. It's good for the ground. Yeah. It's very good. It's fertilized. That'll save if you want to put up in like an outdoor bathroom, just get a fucking little outhouse. Hey, if you want to save on plumbing, in the hole. Shit like a dog. Yeah. Yeah.

Why not? Save on water. Right. If you want to save on water costs. Yeah. Actually, they had in this period, they had something called night soil. Human waste was collect, night, N-I-G-H-T, not like a knight, not a royal night, nighttime soil. And it was human waste that was collected by people called the night soil men. And they sold it as fertilizer, especially in China and Japan, where it was a valuable resource. So that's what it, that, it was a big Asian thing where they, instead of using cow fertilizer, they would just use human fertilizer,

which would lead you directly to COVID. Yeah, and here's the thing when, like, in King Henry times, when he would shit, he would shit in public, like there would be a lot of people gathered around to watch him shit, and then they would take his shit and analyze it

for his health. Yeah. So it was a very, I mean, a king shit. Can you imagine me and you, like we're here, we're entertainers, you know, at certain places we can't sell tickets

and then if you think about it, like King Henry the 8th would sell more tickets to get a shit watched than we can in Cincinnati. Yeah. And you know what I like to do sometimes is I like to kamikaze people with a text of my shit. Right.

That's what you do. You got to see this picture. And then you just send the picture of your shit. That's fun. That's good innocuous fun. Yeah. Or you hit them with a fart. Like,

you know, like you hit them with, and what I like to do is I'll like, like I'll write something like Let's Go Mets. Yeah. Or George Washington. Like this one. Let me find one.

Like I'll just say, because, you know, they know I love history. So I'll say like here, George Washington. Let me see. George Washington. And then we'll find a goody.

Oh, it's not popping up Well, I have them Well, let me tell you this While you're looking for that I'll tell you some fun things It's not worth it Here's some fun things Before we get back

To the evolution of shitting Well, it's shitting But it's also just smells I think it's very interesting To talk about What history smelled like Oh, it was brutal Yeah

So it was also used for torture Right? Okay Think about it, right? What do you want to do If you want to dehumanize someone You know, you go Hey, if I'm an English lord

like Tony Hinchcliff looking English lord because the kid looks like an English lord. Big time. I got like, I've run out of the chamber pots. Would you mind laying on the floor and opening your mouth so I can defecate in your mouth? Yeah, and I know some of you guys

would be doing that with a hard on. Yes. Some of our fans. So check this out. Nick being one of them. An ancient Persian method that they used to torture people was they would take the captive,

the prisoner, and they would trap them. and repeatedly smear and force feed them with milk, honey. And we already talked about that. What? That was the... Well, that was in our live podcast we did last week at the comedy seller, which is awesome, which is available at the $25 level of Patreon.com slash history hyenas.

We talked all about torture, different forms of torture, and we spoke about this type of torture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was amazing. That was an amazing live show. Yeah. Come to our live shows. I'm honest. This isn't, I mean, it is a plug, but I have the most fun doing the live show because the audience is having a great time. Yeah, this was during the Khmer Rogue or whatever dynasty. So the regime describes prisoners being forced to eat or otherwise be exposed to human waste as part of torture and degradation in sites like S-21 and other detention centers. Oh, so this is more modern, retaliation. So they would make you eat your own shit. Yeah. Yeah. Which is something R. Kelly did for fun. Yeah, it's just what it is.

And they would do it and go yummy, yummy, yummy in my tummy. Abu Ghraib, you know, Abu Ghraib, we didn't talk about that a lot. Are they doing a comedy festival? I like to go. Dude. Yeah. Yeah. So they would smear it, smear it all over them.

People, one of the big things people like to do to prisoners is just smear them in shit. It's just what it is. I mean, honestly, history sounds like a YMH live show. Oh, God. Yeah, they would force people to eat the shit. and then vomit to break the oh my God

it was brutal this is literally your mom's house life yeah that's what it is this is Tom Segura in the Tom Segura I didn't realize

was an ancient lord yeah yeah it is Brutes Magoods so that was just part of the deal because you always think about like all these torture mechanisms I bet you a lot of it was just like eat your own shit

yeah or eat this guy shit yeah because there's nothing worse than that yeah now now here we go we got John Harrington in the 16th century. He invented the flushing toilet in 1596, though it didn't really spread widely because people are like, you know what? Why do I need to flush a toilet when I can just shit on my servants and have them eat

it? But this guy's an English hero. He's not talked about enough. Yeah. And now sometimes because the term, the word crap comes from middle English crap, C-R-A-P-E around the 14th century, which meant grain that was trodden underfoot in a barn. Basically, it was waste residue that was left over from harvesting. And over time, English speakers started just using the term crap, you know, and all that.

And then people sometimes think the term comes from Thomas Crapper, the Victorian plumber who popularized flush toilets, but that's actually a myth. Yeah. So a lot of people would say, oh, Thomas Crapper, the term crap, but the truth is, that's why I want to, it's just not true. They did not. Feces was around, the slang use of crap, meaning feces, was around long before his name. was known. So it's just a quinky dink. It's probably that the term crap was around from the French word, crappy, C-R-A-P-P-E,

and Thomas Crapper probably got a lot of shit, literally when he was a kid, so he then eventually subconsciously just gets into plumbing. That's honestly probably what happened, and then he got associated, the kid made it an advanced toilet, and then boom. Yeah. I think that's what it was. So like we said,

the Romans and the Greeks, they used something called the Tersorium, which, as Chris said was Tert, Tursorium. It was a sponge on a stick. It was rinsed in vinegar and water. Actually sounds good. It sounds like a cucumber.

Here's another good one, though. They used smooth pottery shards. Smoothies. But that was always a problem because it would cut your asshole. That's what it is. So these guys were figuring out math and geometry and philosophy, but they were wiping their ass with little bits of broken pieces out of... It's what it is.

It's just charred of clay. Yeah, their assholes look like magic. Johnson after a night in the 90s. Yeah. So they also used pieces of broken tiles. Yeah. So it was, you know, it had pros and cons. Pros and cons. You'd get a little shit smear on the tile,

but you'd also get a little red on that shit smear. Well, I say, but you know what? It would be nice though. I mean, forget about toilet paper, but you can just use the floor of your bathroom to wipe your ass. Yeah, you could. It's really funny, though, to think. Practical. Humans were figuring all this shit out, but none of them could crack the code of having a clean

ass. They just could not. They could. They had The Enlightenment, they do all these advances in modern science, but the ass was still just a fucking zero. They did all of this with a very dirty ass, and some of me thinks that homosexuality got popular, so at least you could stick that thing in and fucking pull the shit out. That's what it is. Maybe it was a way to clean your ass. Yeah.

It's what it is. So in ancient China, they used sticks wraps with cloth or simple wooden sticks, sometimes called shit sticks. Yeah. So they would just use the stick, and they would turn. it and clean their ass and what it is it felt good yeah so they had that

and um the sand drides over in ancient Egypt in Mesopotamia they use sand so they just take a handful of sand you got to use what you got honey you use a little sand yeah and sometimes a fistful of pebbles yeah or just like I said

a smooth rock dude it's whatever it is they were using sand in ancient Egypt Italy they were just using handfuls of spaghetti whatever you got just get it out of your ass. Whatever it is. America, we wipe our ass with a gun. Yeah. So then the Europeans through the medieval time where, like we said, it got really nasty, they used hay, straw, moss, rags, and even, like I said, their own hats. Yeah. Do you think in India, sometimes they would just uncoil their turbans and wipe their ass with down and then put it back up? Yeah. I think so.

Yeah. This is funny to be. You think the Jews would use their frisbee's? I think it's there. I think it's there. I mean, you could have a frisbee game with it. You can also use it as toilet paper. Why not? What we think, what we're discovering about the ancient world is practicality. Practicality. People are practical. They're very practical. Yeah. So in Europe, the royals would use a rope. Okay. They'd use a rope. Okay. Or wool or lace straps. All right. So it was sort of like a rope and it just acted like a G-string. Yeah. Just go like this with the rope. Why not? And clean their ass. A little seesaw action.

Yeah. Now the Japanese, very clean. people. Oh my God, very, very clean people. And they take little tiny shits. Yeah, they used they do. They use the wooden spatula. All right. Wooden spatula like sticks. So they would just wipe it out like that. And like they're making a crepe. They would scrape it. Yeah. Like it was like a look like a crepe maker. Yeah. Yeah. Native Americans, uh, they use corn cubs. Yeah. So they'd eat the corn. That is really inventive. Yeah. Because you're done with the corn. Right. Right. After he's eaten. And it can kind, it's a little wet too. I mean, you're, you're, I mean, you're, you're is going to smell like popcorn.

Yeah. But... Maybe that's where cornhole comes from with your dad. That could be where... That could be a cornhole thing because corn in the cob. But it's like round

and I can imagine you can just kind of sit on it. Yeah. And then I think maybe a few gay guys just turned it. It's what it is. Turned it a little bit. 100%.

And just went in. But maybe if you put it in and pull it out, you get a candy apple. It's possible. And then when they would run out of corn cops to wipe their ass they would just use the scalps of white men.

That's what they did. They also used grass, snow, or moss. So they'd scoot up. They'd scoot on the ground. That's nice. But they'd get nature. Yeah.

And then you had the Induet people who were the natives up in the frozen areas. They used ice. Yeah. They used ice because the ice was, that's probably very clean, though. Very clean. A mixture of water, but it was hard, so they kind of used the ice. And it had clean and you got it out. And it has dual action.

It'll wipe your ass and it'll freeze off any warts. That's good. That's another thing I could do. Yeah, you can get rid of the general words, too. What is? Just freeze them off. So I like it. Yeah.

And then Pacific Islanders used coconut husks. Okay They also use shells That's gonna hurt That's gonna hurt They use shells Coconut Hust is gonna hurt too I don't even

What is the A coconut husk is hard Yeah right Isn't that what a husk is Yeah I don't know I don't know what a coconut I guess it's the outside

Of the coconut Yeah Sailors on ships Used old ropes They used sea water Yeah That's probably They were probably

Some of the cleanest Yeah Just you know Just hey He took his shit Guy has some horrible Diary He just runs up

His friends hold his hands And he just Dips his ass In the water And cleans it up up. Colonial America, they copied from the Native Americans. They used corn cobs. Later, they used newspapers. So their assholes were smudged bad. They used catalogs and almanacs. He'd finish reading a book and be like, you know what? It's time. It's time. Toilet paper was not

commercially produced until 1850, folks. 1850, that's not that long ago. It's crazy to think that it was only 1850 that somebody walked around with a 92% clean ass. That's what it is. I'm like Dave Portnoy with the ass scores. Sometimes I'm 93.7. Do you know how stinky

our founding fathers? Can I smell yours to find out where you're at? Come on. No, we're not going to do it. I'll take away. Take away. Rick!

Cuss. You got a handsome. face but a really ugly but it is because your butt is big and white and milky it's what it is right it's got a little cellulite on the cheeks because did you open your asshole I opened it wide open I got caught a little breeze oh red eye it's what it is yeah it's like a flight to L.A gave you the red eye what it just wasn't a priority they say in the middle they sale in medieval times like because the kings were so focused on spending money on like conquering and subjugation or whatever they just were focused on cleaning their butt it's just what it is it wasn't

a priority now women also had dirty butts too what it is so it's like you're dealing with a double fume there but i'm a titty guy you're a titty guy so i'd be okay with a dirty guy yeah i would just like there probably was a lot of titty fucking going on back then 100% as soon as a girl took off her shawl or whatever you're like whoa yeah yeah you're like joe you're like whoa yeah it'd be one of those things where you got to just get a blowy and then come in your hand and try to throw it in the push to procreate. Ladd of 14. It's the only way to do it.

It's the only way to do it. It's the only way to do it. Yeah. Or you could jerk off into your head and stuff it in it in and then pull it in. Like Pete Weber Jr. Yes. Yeah, so toilet paper 1850s and then flush toilets only became the standard in most of the world in the 20th century, though Billions still rely on pit latrines.

Now, in this day, there's still got billions of people, well, not probably billions anymore, but there's millions of people right now that don't have a toilet. In Japan, the high-tech bidet toilets are also very common. So we're one of the only countries where a bidet is not standard. These other countries, everybody's got a bidet. They can't believe that you're using only toilet paper. Yeah, in China, don't they still have a hole in the floor? I don't know.

They might. I think a lot of places that are very rural still do the hole in the floor. Right. So, you know, there's plenty of places, I think, in the world where you can't really achieve 100%. Yeah. Achieving 100% clean ass is a very tough thing. You can't do it with toilet paper even, and toilet paper was such a massive improvement. But I've never just solely wiped from toilet paper and been done.

Right. It's like the number pie. It's in infinity wipes until your ass bleeds. Right. Like it's just, I've never been able to clean my asshole effectively with just toilet paper. Have you? No. Yeah.

No. Unless this guy take a lot of cilium husk. Yeah. And then you get a nice shit. Yeah. So also people didn't bathe that much, except in Rome and in Greece, they did bathe a lot. And it was also social. So you took a shit with someone.

It's like going to the bar. And then you got in the bath with them. Yeah. Me and you would go meet up at the bath house and just sit and just be in a bath together. Right. And that's just dudes just hanging out. But they didn't have soap a lot. But they used a lot of oils and they scraped off dirt.

Yeah. So I think they kind of, maybe they just kind of groom themselves like monkeys do. Yeah, it's just what it is. I'll scrape off yours, you scrape off mine. Then the next thing you know, we're jerking each other off. And the next thing, you know, we're talking philosophy. Yeah. It's just what they did.

It's just called the little thing called life in the back in the day. Yeah. Ancient Egyptians, they washed frequently. But bathhouses were also popular in medieval Europe in early medieval town. Then there's probably a lot of gay activity happening in the bathhouses of antiquity as well. Yeah. But the problem is the water was. just gross. So it was a lot of lack of clean water in medieval Europe. Medieval time,

the white man just got very dirty. Let's talk about how dirty the white man is right after this. Because you know all about this. Because I like built rewards. B-I-L-T, it's a way to pay your rent and also get some points on top of it. I mean, everywhere you look, every credit card company, everybody, you get points back to buy other things and now you can do it with your rent. Why just, you know, people always say, oh, you're paying the rent. you flush you the money down the toilet well now you're not because that rent money is actually going to get you something in return by paying rent through built you earn flexible points that can be redeemed towards hundreds of hotels and airlines a future rent payment your next lift ride

whatever you want but it doesn't stop there built is about making your entire neighborhood more rewarding you can dine out at the favorite local restaurants earn additional points get VIP treatment at certain fitness studios and enjoy exclusive experiences just for built members every month you know, and I don't even, I don't know anyone at all associated with the company. I just know that it's a good thing, but I don't know anyone who's involved in it. And if, and I'm sure they're all really great people and like to have fun and don't mind getting poked at because, you know, it's just whatever. Sometimes here's, and this is just a general blanket statement. I'm not, this has nothing to do with built because built is just a great company, but sometimes having a billion dollars just isn't enough.

Now, if you want to earn points on rent and around your neighborhood, wherever you call home, just go. to joinbuilt.com slash history hyenas. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-T dot com slash history. Hyenas, make sure to use our URL so they know we send you, even though I don't know anyone associated with the company. No, listen, if you're paying rent, you might as well pay rent with Bilt, so you get some points back. It's pretty simple.

Now, because once the last time you jumped in the tub? I love a good tub. Once the last time you went in the tub, just you? I, it was recent. Yeah. I like hopping in the tub. I like hopping in the tub. You fill it up, you put bubbles.

Because then you could use your hand and just really clean your anus. Right. You can really get in there. Yeah. See, I like to power wash my asshole. Because the more and more we do this podcast, the more and more I'm on the side of the Turks. Wee-sung-she-in. I like the power-wash.

You like to power. I even go removable shower head and I treat it like someone would do the outside of my house. Yeah, power-wash. Power-wash, yeah. Or I hop in the tub and I use my hand and I scrape it up. What it is. You're, yeah, you've, you named the removable showerhead, Jose. Is it? Power washing that. Power washing the crib. How do you clean yours? Me? Yeah. What I like to do is I, if I'm, if I'm doing a poop, what I like to do is I go into, you know, I wipe and then I go into the shower and I just turn around and I spread open my ass like I did on camera right here and I just let the water hit the ass. So in some, in some way, shape, or form, I do do my own version of a bidet, but that's just bent over like I'm a stripper with this shower nozzle on my ass.

Yeah, a lot of people, you know, if you're ever intimidated by a person, just think about them in their shower, trying to get their asshole clean, they're bent over, they're grabbing their ankles, and they're trying to line up a stream directly with the corner. Yeah. And what I used to do, too, when my kids were little, is, and, you know, if any of my neighbors ever saw me through the window, they'd call the police, is I take a shit, I wash my ass and then just for a little extra, just cleanliness. I would go into one of my kids' room and get their desicent butt cream and put down my pants and put some cream in my butt. that's just what I would do and I would just kind of pepper my ass a little bit with their baby butt cream and Jasmine would always say we run out of this butt cream so quick

I mean where does it go and I was like it's in my ass on yeah do you think some of these kings queens princes knights

would force people to clean their asshole with their mouths 100% that's got to be one that's got to be an underreported form of torture think about what it is

to have like power with no cameras like you had that absolute power as a king and there's nobody that's going to say anything to you. Think about the things you could come up with. Yeah. Think about it. That would probably be more popular, I think, than not. 100%. Just like, and even just not even slaves or captors, I think they would do that to servants probably. Yeah. They go like, because, you know, that's killing two birds with one stone.

You know what your mouth. It's like, I'm going to get a clean asshole and it's also going to feel good. It's what it is. Now, if AI could do that, that would be great. Yeah. If we could create dolls that will clean our ass by putting their mouths on them. Yeah. That would be nice. That would be nice. I think there would be a lot less anger in the world if everyone got their asshole clean by a warm mouth. Me too. I agree with you, hon. I really believe that.

Now, in India, they would ritually bathe in the Ganges River, and in certain parts, they still do, central to the Hindu practice. Wealthier people were the ones who bathe daily. Poor people less often, a lot of times the poor people in these places, when you go back at time, I mean, like Yonis said, once a year, it was a privilege to bathe. They just weren't ever doing that.

And they actually would never bathe babies. they almost didn't want to ever bathe children. They thought it was bad for them somehow. They thought bad. There was a point of history. They thought bathing was bad for you. Yeah, they thought water was like bad. Bad.

It did something bad to you. They would always use perfumes and oils. It reminds me this time when I was in camp when I was little and I peed the bed. I only peed the bed once. And I was on the upper bunk in the cabin. And I woke up hearing the drip of the pee. Your brother was getting dripped on. Yeah, I was dripping on the kid below me's, what you're calling it?

What do they call those? SAC, sleeping bag. He was dripping. I heard it hitting like the nylon, and I woke up with the drip, and I was just so embarrassed. I got a shot out Saul, his name was Saul Brown. He never said anything, but I was so scared to throw it out. Right. Because I didn't want it.

I don't know why. So I made the decision to put it in my hamper and then put it in the corner in my cubby, and then I just sprayed it every day with like, spray and stuff just to mask the smell. Now let me ask you this. And I had to just get through another two weeks. Now, how were you able in camp to secretly wash those fish nets? They must have been a little stain, no?

You got a pissed in your fishnets. They did get dredged, yeah. Yeah. Did you ever pee the bed? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I peed the bed. I remember one time my mom took me on a, this was fun to be 10 years old and all your friends are going to, you know, splish slash and Disney.

My mom took me on a single cruise to Nova Scotia, Canada. So that was fun to just go on that To you know my mom be single And go around and trying to meet guys on a boat to Canada I had to go with her Because my dad wouldn't watch me that weekend And I just you know I guess being on a cruise ship the motion

I just woke up and I pissed the bed big And you were in her bed too Right well no Same thing top bunk And then unfortunately I pissed all over the guys She was banging Yeah Yeah I just I did a big peepee

But I haven't pissed the bed Have you shit your pants I've shit my pants many times Yeah I've shit my pants Not many times But I would say, I'm being honest, because I've been alive 41 years, I've probably thrown out four or five shit-filled underwear in a public place. Like, four or five times I've sharded to the point where I have to go into the bathroom, check the damage, and then throw out the shit pants.

Check the damage. Yeah. Imagine being in history where you only had one pair of wool pants. Yeah. And then you shit them. Yeah. They got to go back on. Yeah.

You can't just go to Coles and get a new pair of khakis. One time I was on a date with a girl. This is 100% true story. This is about five years ago. I took a shit. We were out on the date. I had to take a shit. It was just one of those things.

And I had to wipe quick. I just wiped it quick, quick, quick. You know, wash my hands what I thought was thoroughly. And then later on in the night, you know, she's, her hair was like a little, like, messy. And I just did like a romantic move. And I went like that. And she went, do you have shit on your fingers? I swear to God.

And I said, I don't think so. She goes, you have shit on your finger. And she was like, I knew you took a shit. shit in the restaurant you were gone so long and then she literally was like i can't do this that you walked away i once was on a date with girl i was in uh i was in copenhagen doing shows out there and we went to a bar and started drinking and i started getting the rumbles and it was one of these like dive bars that had a bathroom without a door on it sure so was it just for men or was it a unisex bathroom yeah thank god there weren't a lot of people in the bar but i was like how am i

going to pull this off because i have to shit and it was one of those shits where i knew it was going to be repeat runs you know when you have the runs but then you got the reruns yeah yeah yeah get the first one out then you stand up you get the bubbles again i knew i was on the first round of bubbles yeah so i was like we're drinking you know it was just me and her so i pretended i didn't want to say i was going to be gone because you know piss you're only gone for a certain amount of time yeah yeah so i said i got to take a phone call yeah and this was this was before you know um you could get service anywhere right so if she had thought about for a second there's no way i had to make a phone call because i was in Copenhagen. Yeah. I had one of those little

Nokia's. Yeah. So I went and I just started walking around towards the bathroom. Yeah. Right? Because, and I could see the back of her head because she was sitting on that. She peace? She was peace. Yeah. And so I just started pretending like I was talking to MTV. Yeah. And I was going, yeah, MTV, that deal is going to come through, whatever.

And then I just slid into the bathroom because I pretended like the, I was in an argument that escalated. Yeah. So I was looking for more privacy. Yeah. So I just hopped. I just went into the to the bathroom. Shit quick. and I just did that successively and then there was also no toilet paper

so I just shit did you grab a tile off the floor no I don't have the floor I just had a really dirty asshole from it and then we the fact that you had diarrhea and didn't wipe multiple times is repulsive it was repulsive because I had nothing to wipe with

I went back we kept drinking and then here's the kicker then we start making out and we go back to her place so I'm making out and hooking up with her with a dirty asshole like you wouldn't believe no not a dirty asshole a filthy disgusting decrepit vile asshole yeah and then she starts kissing down my body and i'm going whoa oh and then she goes down there huh yeah and she starts doing it and then she starts going behind my balls she's checking to see if the garden doors open and i've never felt opposites

in my life i felt opposites it was pure euphoria and horror at the same time. What happened? Well, it opened up a portal and I said hello to Jesus. And that's the way you do it. I didn't know that's how you talk to God. You have to feel opposite simultaneously.

Because it felt so good and oh, so scary. She licked your ass with the dirty head? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what's funny? That just was another day in medieval Europe.

Yeah. And maybe she was okay with it because she comes from a long line of Vikings. And God knows what they did. She never said anything. about it. It was it. It was fine. Did you ever see her or talk to her again? I did actually. Really? She didn't die of some mystery to see. He lived. You didn't get a parasite? But I tell you what? After that, my asshole was clean? Yeah. It was clean. She gave it a nice cat.

She probably was saying herself, this is just what Greek smell like. It was just, yeah. Yeah, it was just a horrible, wonderful experience all at the same time. I mean, literally, I did not wipe my ass. I could feel the squish. Yeah. Yeah. When I walked, I can feel the squish. Well, the only thing I'll say is maybe Maybe diarrhea... Should this be the Patreon? Maybe diarrhea is a little less... Maybe diarrhea is a little less... Like, it just kind of comes out at such a force that maybe doesn't linger.

Right. I don't know. It's like when you crack an oil pipe, it just shoots out. Just shoots out. Yeah. Yeah, it's like you're in Landman. Yeah, maybe it wasn't that bad. Right.

Or maybe she liked it. Or maybe she just liked it. Maybe she went down there because she got a whiff of it and she wanted more. Listen, people are absolute heathens and pigs. We're all dirty animals that like some, you know? Yeah. It's just what it is. One time I was getting a blowjob from a girl

and she had a huge booger on her nose and it wound up by my dick. And she was a piece. I could have talked to her anymore because she just gave me a booger dick. But there's nothing you can do sometimes. You've got to just deal with it. Yeah.

You got to just deal with it. The only thing that overpowers fumes is horniness. Yes. It's like love. Like what is more powerful than hate or spite is love. The only thing that overpowers bad fumes is horned up. If you're horned up enough, you'll, you'll swim through anything.

If you're, and you're really horny, I mean, anything goes. Yeah. You know, you'll bang a 55-year-old librarian with one leg. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Has fumes ever stopped you in your tracks? Well, there was one time, it didn't stop me in my tracks, but there was one time I remember I had to immediately call you and told you the fumes are so bad.

I hit my head off my driver's side door when I took a whiff. Yeah. I told you that. Remember when I told you, I was turning the wheel and I hit it. I almost knocked myself on conscious driving because I caught a blowing in the car and I was hitting, you know, I was fingering her and the fumes hit in a way that I almost knocked myself unconscious down there, you know, in downtown Manhattan. Did we just do two Patriots?

No. This isn't, no, I feel like this is, all the history here was great. It was great history, yeah. Yeah, this is, this is a good episode. Yeah, this is really, I think this is a good episode. It's just, it's good for you to know, it's very funny to know that this was something that took thousands and thousands of years to figure out. Yeah.

It's unbelievable to think that we figured out how to build buildings, build temples. They built the goddamn pyramid. but they didn't figure out how to wipe their ass. And here's the kicker of it all. Even with all our advancements now, 500 years from now, they're going to look back about how filthy and disgusting we are right now. So the point is, is nobody, you just get used to your surroundings. There's things that we're doing right now that the people think will be absolutely repulsive 500 years from now, but to us, it's normal. Right. That's the beauty about history is you never know that every second of your life, you're in it. You're living in history. And also, think

about gay guys are real men 100% I mean because not only were they going to the cornhole back then they were going into a muddy cornhole yes and they still did it gays are the real hero that lets you know they really wanted to do it yeah you cannot you cannot molest the kid into that no that kid was born wanting that cornhole a hundred because you know it would stop me if I was a gay kid yeah shit yeah but not but not these not the gays are the real heroes they're the real ones just going to battle to battle an asshole on a daily basis. And it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing.

Now you're about to hear the Patreon names, the newest members of the matriarchy, from our live show. We're going to give it to you because the live show was so much fun and you can hear it at the $25 level that's exclusive for $25 members, Patreon.com slash history hyenas.

We've been having so much fun doing these live shows and the favorite part, I think our favorite part of this live show is when we read the Patreon names to the live crowd. So if you don't know, when you join our Patreon, Which, by the way, everybody, every podcast has a Patreon, okay? And everybody's kind of, you know, bonus episodes, which we do.

But what we feel our Patreon is different about our Patreon is we really are completely, like, off the rails on the Patreon. And there's no, you know, there used to be like, on the internet used to be the place that people turn to because you wouldn't get silence there and you wouldn't get, you know, he's leaving. Sorry. That's an emergency shit. Yeah. How much milk and honey did you put in your body? where you know the internet used to be a place

that doesn't get censored but now it gets censored just like TV used to but on Patreon we're not censored so that's what we have fun if you want to just what do we say

tune in and tune out yeah tune out to tune in tune out to tune in I love how we're doing our burn A's fucking ad pitch right now yes these people I think are all

Patreon members okay well just for the people that are you guys all Patreon members not this a lot of them not this kill Tony fucker and a couple other cheap fucks

if you're not on it you're cheap fuck okay so here we go so I'm gonna read out the newest members of the matriarchy. Some have made funny names. Some have not. And of course the winner will be decided here. It'll be the PPW, Sue of Penis of the Week.

All right, so starting off the list, Chrissy Penis Pumper. And here's the thing. We're going to let you, obviously you guys are going to help us decide by your reaction. KT. D.Raw, STG, Alex Vileo, anales of history. Jackson, Driscoll,

potato monkey, whizprilifa. Okay. Anne Frank's Diary, aka the sexting log. Walked into one. Toplik, toe pick. Then we got Chrissy's dry cleaner. Your Mets jersey is ready for pickup.

On the left? Catapult. Catapult. Yeah. Caterpull. On the list? It's like you play for the Mets. Yeah.

Okay. Then we got the three muzzle tears. Then we got Galane Maxwell's a heinous woman. I feel bad for whoever fucked her. Unrelately, Christy looks like a Bavarian train conductor. List? Step on to the platform, please. Hands up, Mr. Johns.

Germans should really not allow to... They shouldn't be allowed to be trained conductors. I know. Can you imagine getting on the MTA subway and they're like, next stop, Wall Street. Jews would be hearing like, next stops, Auschwitz, Poland. Stand clear of the closing doors.

List or no? No, list? I think that's a borderline direct slur. All right, so then we got Cuzz, make no mistake, I'm going to fail no glue November bad. Wait, what? Cus, make no mistake, I'm going to fail

no glue November bad. Meaning he's, I think in November the guys for a testicular way is trying not to jerk off. Oh. But this kid's going to fail it big. Yeah, big. Okay. He's splooging in its belly button. It's too inside. I don't know. Aiden Cartlidge, Chadd Phillips, Matt Shaddle,

Kilbossi monkey with extra casing. So is a Czechoslovakian kid? Yep. What is it a Kabasi monkey? Like a Czech. Polish, Polish, Polish. Polish. With extra casing, meaning the kid did not get clicked. Yeah, he did not get circumcised. That's a chicken finger, no? Chicken finger?

Antonio, Dave Bluntz, V-O-2 Max. Max, Ron, and we got six piece for my niece. That's disgusting. Kid bangs his niece. Pulled a Gandhi. Poked a Gandhi? He pulled a Gandhi. He banged out his niece. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You call that pulling a Gandhi, yeah.

Slim H, Dan. Then we got Nark, Mormon. Father Bill filled my basement with glue. Chrissy's Trenchfoot. Then we got used a rib condom on Helen Keller and her pussy started speaking to me. Wow, wow. I mean, I mean, that's going to be hard to beat. I mean, that is going to be hard to be.

What you've got to do, not only do you get the catapult out for that, you roll out the red carpet for that one. Yeah. Kid did a braille joke. He did a braille joke. That might be Hall of Fame, that's going to be hard to beat. It's going to be very hard to beat. I mean, that's an all-timer right there.

I mean, what do we do? Do we just got to keep going? You got to keep going, because you never know. No, you never know. Okay. Then we got Eric Schwartz. Schwartz, Matt Lopez, then we got six million frisbees and a funeral.

Okay, they don't want that one. Sorry about that, sir. That's right. Security. Please escort this person out of the store. This guy's putting his fucking arms up cheering. Yeah, stop that. I guess we found his Patreon name right there. Carl Lindrigan, Princess

Claire, Leonardo Avo, catamite Chrissy brings peace to the Middle East. Mr. If, no means, no why is there a weiner in my ass? Drexler Drexler Tampa Tony's moon cricket

David Green creatine Chrissy Tony Miranda Britney Grindr Chicken finger That's pretty good That's pretty good Drexler

Who knew frisbees weren't Hey put that on no Not okay, not okay That is not okay We do Do not, we cannot put that on the list. Nope. No. We do not support that type of humor.

But damn is it creative. T. Wharf, Rob Christopher, Chopper. Then we got took a blue chew and it stayed Leroy Length. Okay. Good. I like it. Whitey. Jack Zimmer. Finger Nazi buttholes.

Okay. Robert Amnot. One. Bugman eats bug spray. James Trayner come hard all through Greek pasta tunnels I don't know I don't even understand that one

COVID leading Usullies Peter Cowan Nicholas Gresh RM hip hippo hooray send them fumes this way kids just wants fumes I like the Drexler

for that Drexler yeah Jen Eschew J. Rett Aaron Delgado McGiver from Fliver Carl Grath Evoner 69 King

Adeline. Then we got Eastern Hemmy with the Leroy piece. Call me Hung Wong. I mean, I think that's list worthy for sure. The Finger Nazi Grand Wizard wears Yeezys. I mean, it's a borderline walked in, or is that the list?

List. List, list. List. Yeah. Eagle, first. Eagle first. Vlad the Impaler, me, daddy. Chris tried to touch me. Not true.

That's an allegation. That is an allegation. That is an allegation. My lawyers will speak to that. He will be releasing a statement. Jessica, Andrew Gaffigan. I got clipped at the 2009 Toyotathon. That's what it is.

Drexler, Drexler. Daddy William, Jose Valise. Not a D1G, but the hemorrh squeak for themselves. Oh, not a D-1G, but the hemorrhoids speak for themselves. Victim of a bad read. Black sex Holocaust for well-endowed mandingos. I look out of the means.

I'm going to put that on the list. I'm going to put it on the list. All right. That's a good way. Roger Castro, salient turtle. Tim Dillon's glugon fumes after a ditty party. It's got to be bad. It's got to really smell bad.

Corey Barker, Eddie J. And then last but not least, we have Logan, J.R.E. Isn't funny enough for history hyenas or A.J. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's more of a... So that's the list. Okay, so let me read them all out.

This is what you have. This is what it is. Just let me read them all out first. Yeah. Okay. Chrissy's dry cleaner. Your next jersey is ready for pickup. Drex shirt.

Okay? Used a rib condom for Helen Keller and her pussy started speaking to me. That is... That is the clear favorite. All right. That can stick around for a little bit. Eastern Hemmy with the Leroy Peace, call me Hung Long. This is any other day, any other day.

And then Black Sex, Holocaust for Well and Down Mandingoes. Good one, but I think we all know who the winner is. Congratulations. Use the rip condom on Helen Keller and pussy started speaking to me. You're the winner. That is an all-time Hall of Fame. You are the winner, my friends. Thank you so much.

Thank you guys. appreciate all the love and support thank you so much we love you guys good night thank you