History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - Tom Segura Chooses a Pope

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

Tom Segura drops by and calls his mom to see who she thinks might be responsible for the Pope’s death. Afterwards, Tom, Chris, and Yannis go over the potential candidates to fill his shoes and make their predictions. Finally, Tom and Chris teach Yanni—and any audience members who might not know—some key Catholic details. Support our sponnsors: Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to https://RocketMoney.com/HYENAS today. Go to our exclusive link, https://harrys.com/HISTORYHYENAS, for a $3 Trial Set. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code HYENAS -- just pay $5 shipping. #comedy #comedypodcast #Podcast #History Join our Patreon at 👇 https://www.patreon.com/historyhyenas/ Subscribe to the poddy woddy Our YouTube!: https://bit.ly/2ARdDOz HH Clips:https://bit.ly/2YaK2Z8 iTunes: https://apple.co/2UQTHCc Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fxtsc0 Hyenas Merch!!! https://teespring.com/stores/historyhyenas Follow us Cuz! 🙆🏻‍♂️ Yannis Pappas Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ 🙆🏼‍♂️ Chris Distefano Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/chrisdcomedy Website - https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ 🐕More Hyenas Website: www.historyhyenasisback.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/historyhyenas/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HistoryHyenas Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/historyhyenaspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum Points on your first five orders. Shop now at NoFriills.ca. What's up everybody? We got an amazing episode today with guest Tom Segura. Want to remind you to go over to where, Chrissy? Patreon.com slash history hyenas. Not only do we have bonus content there that lives exclusively at Patreon, but you know how you guys hate the ads so much

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Now enjoy this episode from Tom, Sigoura, and the boys about the Catholic Church and the poop. Welcome to another episode of History of Hyenas. I'm Chris DiStefano, aka Chrissy Conclave, which with me as always is Yannis Papas, aka Peanut Head Papas, and we have our first Latino guest ever that you guys have been asking, can you guys get one Latino on? And we said, we're not gonna do it, we're not gonna do it. It's not this kind of show. We're not about diversity or inclusion.

But we got beaten down by the comments and we said, you know what, if there's one day in the world when we're gonna have a Latino guest on, it's today, the morning of the news breaking that Pope Francis, the first Latino Pope has died, we brought in maybe someone who might be able to take his place, who might be able to bring Catholicism back to where it needs to be, and that's the one,

the only, the Peruvian sensation, Tom Segura. Yeah. Thank you very much. I couldn't think of a P word. I know, it was. I'm sorry, I blanked. It was perfect, man, and just, I don't know, we should just do a quick moment of silence for the

Pope. Yeah, let's do that Okay, okay, all right is yeah, yeah, so that he felt that now Pope he died Obviously the rumors were that it was fentanyl but the media saying it's not I don't know you don't you never know Those guys get away with anything behind those walls because Trump was saying on truth social today that this is why we have This is the border crisis the fentanyl. I killed the pulp. Yeah, 88 just fucking huffing fan Yeah, dude, and X is definitely going with the Jews. I think the Jews. Yeah behind it. Yeah Yeah, yeah, you can there's always a way to draw a diagram to the Jews right? I'm nice that it is actually when you don't know know, you can say it and you're not wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I haven't looked into it yet, but. When is it not? Yeah. When is it not? Yeah. it's one of those things people assume and then they work backwards. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And you gotta leap a few different ways, but you can land there. Yeah, you can land.

Let's call my mom. I bet she is, by the way, so upset. Legitimately upset. South American Catholic is like, they're like villagers. I know, I was on a radio show this morning in Connecticut. I called him because I got a show in New Haven on Thursday, and I did some Fentanyl Pope jokes and they bombed hard. They bombed hard.

And one of my mom's friends lives in the Connecticut area and was listening when she heard that I was gonna be on and she called my mother. My mother's wildly upset with me. Oh yeah. That I was making fun of the Pope. First of all, my mom does not play with, but I will try to say, do you think it was the Jews? Can I run my pedophile theory by her or that would like the whole church?

So mad. You hearing it okay? She might be in mourning. Hello? Mom! Mom? Oh, Mom. God, I'm just in New York. I just was checking in if you heard about the Pope.

I don't, yes. I'm devastated. I know. I wonder who's going to replace him. Oh my God, that's going to be the hardest thing. I know. God, I wonder what happened. I don't know if it was like the Jews or what, what happened to him. Well, what do you mean the Jews?

Well, you know, they're always up to something. Um, I got a run into this thing. I, cause I know he was sick, but he was extremely sick. He got out of the hospital after six weeks. And he came out in procession yesterday. I saw him and it looked really, really, really sick. Okay. I love you. Let me call you when I get out of this thing, okay? This is the weirdest phone call you can possible have. Okay.

The Pope died? I don't know if it was the Jews. How can the Jews have to deal with the Pope dying? Did you sleep last night? No, I didn't sleep that well, but I... Okay, it shows. I'm asking to take care of your soul. Not my health. Okay, I love you, Mom. I'll call you in a little bit, okay?

Yeah, I'm sure you'll call me. I will, I will. Yeah, I'm sure you're coming. I will, I will. Sometimes you gotta plant seeds, you know? She defended the churros! So she still doesn't know if it's ever a bit, like she was just has no idea that she was on a pod. What do you mean that she...

This has to be the weirdest phone call I've ever got. It's funny to ask her it's like 10 o'clock in the morning. It's noon. Have you heard about the Pope? Wow. She said this is the weirdest call I've ever gotten. Oh my God. Oh shit. Yeah, well, it's what happens.

Yeah, I mean. Now you know, Tom is one of those sneaky Latinos. Yes. Yeah. Growing up in New York, I didn't know that there was white Latinos until I went to Miami. And then I was like, oh, there are undercover Latinos. The progressives like to say you present white. Right. Right. Right. And there's Latino Jews too. Well, oh, there are undercover Latinos. The progressives like to say you present white. Right.

Right. Right. And there's Latino Jews, too. Well, they're there. Yeah. My family's Puerto Rican, and I remember they first heard about, Tom, when you did your those special in Spanish. And my George, one of my girl's uncles, was like, yo, his whole thing was, yo, that white

dude can really speak Spanish. And I was like, no, he's Spanish. And I remember George's like, nah really speak Spanish. And I was like, no, he's Spanish. And I remember George like, nah, he ain't. I was like, no, he actually is. Yeah. It's like he learned Spanish good. I was like, well, he is Spanish. He was like, he's not. He just kept telling me you're not. Yeah. We didn't, we didn't have any white Hispanics. Yeah. No, none. There's no white Hispanics. Really was always like, they're always like brownish. Yeah. Yeah. Is your dad Spanish too?

Well, he has like, my last name is Spanish from Spain, right? Segura is from Spain. Segura. Yeah, it is Segura, but like he could not have been a whiter American, like white bread guy. He's from Louisville, Kentucky, but it's just like one of those things like a lot of people

where if you go back enough generations, there's a came from Andalucía, he came to Louisiana, who's a real pig. There's always one that gets in. Did I ever tell you like how we found out like what an animal this guy was? Dude, we had a family reunion in the year 2000. It was like the big, like my dad,

his three other siblings and all their children. So it was like 30 people in DC. And he had one of their cousins, like one of the older like siblings cousins was really into genealogy, like being like, like the old school way. And like, this is before 23 and me. So this is like, you did the legwork to find out everything. So they got us all together in this room

and this guy was doing like a presentation on a board of like Sagura family history. He finds out, he's like, and in detail, like, he's like, so the first one that came over was this guy named Francisco Segura in like 1746 from Andalusia, Spain, and he came to Louisiana. Everyone's like, oh, this is neat. And then they're like, yeah, and he, he started this business and he was really successful. And right away, when everyone's, someone's very successful in the 1700s, you're like, this is not a good thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, this guy's not good. And he starts like throwing up, and then he's like flipping this thing and like, this is the tree where he hung a guy. And we're like, oh. And then it kind of keeps going. And then they're like, and then when he died, we found his will. And he's like, there's like 30 pages of slaves left.

And everyone's like, damn, all right. It just keeps going. And everyone's like, well, that was a really nice presentation, man. Thanks for laying that out. Yeah. Right. But look, generations later, still a lot of success. Yeah. Yeah. Your grandfather would be, generations later, still a lot of success. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Your grandfather would be so proud. He'd be so proud. He's like, you did that without any slaves? Any slaves, dude? I don't even know how.

That's crazy. That's so funny. You see 1500, 1600, 1700 Spanish or Portuguese successful. Successful. Forget it. Yeah. There's going to be... There's going to be... Yeah. Whites get... We get blamed the worst, like whites for this, but it's like really

Portuguese and Spanish for real scum. But they're white. Yeah, but they're the ones, yeah, but they're not considered white today. The craziest thing is like, as you, as we've gotten older, the whole idea of how we were taught Christopher Columbus, that's one of like the fun, they're like, guy came here just looking for what else is out there. Yeah. Like he was like, he was just a curious guy. And then you read that like they would cut people's hands off for fun. Yeah. And just rape.

And these guys were complete savages. Yeah. And that was kind of like the way it was for the Spanish, just exploring the world. Sure. Just animals. Absolutely, just destroyed people. I mean, even they say that when Columbus got there, I mean, just the idea of them showing up and just giving everyone disease,

I mean, just wiped everybody out, killed everybody, and everyone's like, we're gonna name the country after that. That's our guy Discovered us. Yeah, this is the guy. Yeah, it's actually America veris pubi, right America vest vest That's good. She's a school. Gee. It's a talent. Yeah, his name is America Amerigo, yeah, Amerigo that's the Italians him and yeah, like they're really holding on to Columbus be like We'll take rid of Columbus, but we'll give you this guy. We're going to stay with Columbus, dude. I was there the day when they were trying to take down

the statutes in Columbus Circle, and a bunch of Italians were just standing in front of it with weapons to be like, you ain't taking down this one. Really? Yeah. It was like a big moment in New York. And I just happened to be in the area. I just saw all these guidos just standing in front

with baseball bats probably guns They don't like this guy's a hero. They don't it's their hero Columbus. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, and he's not even like a real Italian, right? What was this? He was from Spain. He flew from Spain. No, he flew But he didn't get sent by Italy, but he was he was Italian. He was Italian But he and the Spaniards funded the exploration, right? Yeah, But he's flew with the Spanish flag for the Americans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. What about Marco Polo?

Right, for the Italian? I mean, look at what he did with the noodle. He took the noodle. The noodle, right. And it really sort of gave a culture what it's good at. Yeah, that's like- I like that Christopher Maloney. Spaghetti.

That guy with the big fat ass from Law and Order. Yeah. Yeah, him, dude. I want him to be on our flag. A statue? Yeah, just ass from Law and Order. Yeah. Yeah, him dude. I want him to be on our flat. A statue? Yeah, just imagine that, a statue, just a sick ass. You ever seen pictures of his ass?

No. Can you pull up quickly Christopher Maloney's ass, and then we'll get to the history of the Pope. Just pull up Christopher Maloney's ass and tell me if you didn't know this was a guy, if you didn't know this was a guy, no, M-E-L-O-N-I. M-E what? M-E-L-O-N-I. Yeah,E what? M-E-L-O-N-I. Yeah, Christopher Maloney's ass.

And if you just take a peek at this. I like how it's now Christopher Maloney's lonely ass. Yeah, I mean, yeah. That, well, no, there's better picks. I mean, the kid's got an absolute dumper. Yeah, I mean, if, and if, you know, there's better. Wow. Yeah, it's just absolutely, if you had no idea that that was a man's ass and he shows it off a

lot, you want to go with that Winnie the Pooh shot right there if you see that. Yeah, just pull it up. It's a nice peach. This is who I'd like. Wow. How do you know that these pictures are here? Just, it's a, no, but don't take out the word lonely. Chris is SSA.

Yeah. Yeah, a lot of people think I'm in the SS, but it's actually the SSA. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, all right. I mean, yeah, the kid could do splits, but yeah, he's the Italian. You like a guy with a nice strong ass. Yeah, yeah.

Like a real catcher's ass. I like a strong man. Like I've been watching old episodes on Hulu of New York Undercover. Really? Yeah. And I've been rewatching it, because I just get nostalgic about 90s New York, and I watch it with my family and my aunt.

I'm watching it like every day. I'm watching another episode, and it's very fascinating to see New York at that time, or to see we kind of got the same problems. They're talking about the same issues in the 90s as they are today, like nothing's new. But really I'm slowly falling in love with Malik Yoba. Malik Yoba, the black man who plays JC, one of the cops, there was the Spanish guy, Eddie Martinez, and then

Malik Yoba, and a 25 year old Malik Yoba is just a gorgeous man. And there's just no way to say that. I'm not saying that I'm not gay, I'm just honestly giving the guy credit. He's just a Malik Yoba, 28 year old Malik Yoba from New York Undercover. He's not my type. He's just a Malik Yoba, 28 year old Malik Yoba from New York Undercover. He's not my type. He's just a beautiful man that will get kissed softly on his lips if he ever comes in contact with me. Yeah, I'm more of an Eldritch Elba guy. See, no, but this guy blows him up. Put him in New York Undercover. Put a Malik Yoba,

New York Undercover shirtless Christopher Maloney's ass. Yeah, shirtless. And then, yeah, so he's just, you know what I mean? And he's just a hottie with a body. Yeah, shirtless. And then, yeah, so he's just, you know what I mean? And he's just, he's just a hand. He's just a hottie with a body. Yeah. If you look, well, that's Morris chestnut. Yeah. And he'll get, he's another one that, yeah. You look human encyclopedia for shirtless black actors. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just, it's just what it is. But, uh, but yeah, the pope is dead. Yeah, that it's just it's just what it is. But uh, but yeah, the Pope is dead Yeah, that is true, too. That is so today here on the show We're gonna talk to you when take you through there's a very interesting history of the Pope's

Do you know about the Pope's Tommy? I mean I Pretty tell me other story Fucking green room story. Oh what tell him dude dude when the DJ room story? Oh, tell them. Dude, when the DJ came in. Oh yeah. Do you remember this? Wait, which one? When we were standing in my dressing room. Oh yeah, tell them that, tell them that.

This is great, this story. I forgot about this. This is unbelievable. So we're in my dressing room at MSG, and it's just like, we had to go early for soundcheck, so we're just kinda like killing time. People are socializing. I have music on in my room and there's a couple people just hanging out and I'm standing in there with Chris and we're just talking you know walking around and then this dude comes in. He's with Red Man's crew. And I was like, oh, that's the DJ.

And he just comes in, he's just like, kind of looking around, he's like, he's nice. I'm like, yeah, what's up, man? He just kind of looks around. And then he sees this display that's on the table that actually Red Man's team had given me, like this piece of art, basically. He's like, oh, this is cool, man.

I was like, are you ever seen this? He was like, no, I haven't seen this. I was like, oh, cool. I was like, yeah. He's looking at it. And then I go, how long have you been with Redman? And he goes, well, you hear those towers come down. And I look at Chris and we both go, oh one, 2001.

And then he goes, so that's when I was out with Das Effects. So yeah, so that's when I linked up with Redman after that. And I go, that's a good way to- That's a good way to- To remember. Yeah, to anchor your memory. Yeah, cause- To mark time.

Yeah, cause he was basically- When were you born? He goes, when did those towels come back? When those towels got back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, the only thing that would have been better

is if we had been like, oh one, and he was like, right, so, so oh six is when I actually met him. I was like, I actually met him. And we were just talking about after you left, like just the, like how amazing, like it really is like, just like fascinating, like how he comes in and like, that's his frame of reference, doesn't even understand how funny it is. Not at all. He's like, he didn't, he would be like, if we even, if he heard this, he would be like, I don't remember saying that. Yeah. Like, cause that's just, he was like, them towels come back. Yeah. I mean, like actually, I joked as I walked from A from him. I goes,

it's nice that you can always remember because of that. And he was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, well, they said, never forget. Never forget. Yes. Well, and Redman just confidently calling him Tom Cigar. Yeah. Well, I mean, he's got MSG sold out, Redman's opening for it and he goes, yo, my man, Tom Cigar. And it's just legit about it.

It's Tom Cigar. You got it. And he said he's a big fan. Yeah, you gotta expect that. You gotta just expect that. Like, it's just white names are difficult for Black people. And you gotta roll with it for sure and be like, for sure, for sure.

Oh, yeah, for sure. I've been brought up on stage as Yan Uranus. Yeah. Give it up for you, Pispy. Oh, yours has gotta give people some palpitations, dude. The Black ones I did early on, I've been a few times, it was just Yan. Give it up for you, Pippa. Oh, yours has got to give people some palpitations, dude. The black ones I did early on. Just, I've been, a few times it was just, yeah. Give it up for yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I would always get brought up. People see your name and go, come on, man. Yeah. Yeah, come on. Stupid ass name, bro. Is it a joke?

Just saying, can't be real. Yeah. I mean, it's just, but it's just something that it's fine. It's just acceptable. Charlie Murphy used to call me Yorn-ess. Yeah. Like Yorn-ess. Yeah. Does that have Yorn-ess? Yeah. Yeah. It's what. It's just acceptable. Charlie Murphy used to call me Yorness. Like yawn-ess. Yeah.

Yorness. Yeah. Yeah. It's what it is. It's just my name was always yawn. Yeah. Yeah. They just struggle with two syllables or more. They just say not John or Dave or...

Yeah. Yeah. I remember one time I was doing a show with Don L Rawlings at the Laugh Lounge and why a black comic was, you know, Don L is obviously black. And then there was another black comic on and he did this bit that like kind of was bombing and he was like laying on the floor while his, and in the middle of a packed show, Donnell, cause it was bombing, Donnell was just in the back room

and he went, yo, get your ass up off the floor, man. He said, this shit is embarrassing. And then the black kid just slowly got up and he tried to do another joke and Donnell was like, nah, next, next. And then the crowd just starts laughing and heckling. And it's like, it's just part of what it is. Oh, they were vicious, those rooms. Those rooms were vicious.

One time I bombed so bad, and then I had to walk through the crowd to leave. It was just brutal. I did an East LA room that was all Mexican one time that I bombed so hard at, like just so painfully hard. And then I did that thing where I got off and I told the guy, I was like, yeah, man,

you know, I'd come back. And then he went on, he goes, he said he'd come back. Yeah. Like, I was like trying to be confident of that. He was like, his motherfucker wants to come back. Yeah, he's crazy. His granddaddy must have had slayings. Yeah, I was like, yeah. wants to come back! He's crazy! His granddad must have had slaves. I was like, yeah.

All right, here we go. So this guy, Pope Alexander, so first of all, the papacy, the honest papacy has been around for 2,000 years, right? And how Catholic are you to start? Well, I mean, I grew up Catholic. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, Catholic school, you know, every holiday church, every Sunday church, if it was a Catholic

holiday during the week, we'd go do that, pray the rosary all the time, yeah. Like- Do you still go? No. No. It would be, that's a funny juxtaposition, it's like YMH Live, shit on the chest, smearing that shit at 10 AM and then 12 o'clock mass. Yeah, no.

Yeah. And I feel like it took my parents a long time before they finally released the hook of like, oh, these, the kids aren't going to be like us. When I was coming home from college, you go to church on Sunday. When I was coming home to visit them in my, most of my twenties, it was like, you're going to church today. I was probably over 30. First time I went home and it was Sunday and they were just like, we're going to church today. I was probably over 30. First time I went home and it was Sunday and they were

just like, we're going to church. And I was like, and it wasn't accompanied with a guilt trip. They were like, we'll see you guys later. It took them 30 years. Yeah. No, you see, for me, it took, because it's such a Catholic family, it took me having, Jasmine is not Catholic at all. She's Christian, but it's like, you know, the Spanish, you know, like the freaking Church of Latter-day, whatever was the church where they danced around. It's like e-tickets to get in. It's like they sell tickets on StubHub, like one of those. That's crazy, yeah.

It's great. The church is like in the back of a gas station. Yeah. Is that the one that's there like Iglesia de Jesus. Yeah. And it's like, it was like a former storefront. Yes. It's just one of those. Yeah, it's in the back of a Dunkin' Donuts. And so it took her to make me kind of realize, like she was like, you know, I love your family.

She was like, but when they tell our daughter that she's going to hell because she didn't go to church, that's not good for her development. I was like, what do you mean? She is going to go to hell if she doesn't go to church. She was like, no, Chris, the reason why you bite your toenails from anxiety is because of that. So just know that the guilt, our children are not going to get raised with that. So if they want to go to church, they can, but if your mom tells our daughter one more time that she's going to hell, I'm going to tell her the truth about you, which is

you have a gay son, so he's going to hell. So I was like, it took it, because you get so indoctrinated with this stuff. Like my mother is legitimately like blood boiling, mad at me that I was making jokes about the pope today on local Connecticut radio. Like cannot handle, it's like the biggest disgrace. The one thing when I started doing standup that like I knew One thing when I started doing standup that I knew that she cannot joke about, you cannot joke about abortion with her. You just can't. She does it, does it. And you cannot joke about Catholicism with her.

She just does it. And still to this day, you wouldn't even write material about it because of that. Even later on when I call her today, she's going to be like, what were you? And I'll just dismiss it and make her know that I'm not joking. And then it'll be like, what were you, and I'll just like dismiss it and make her know that I'm not joking and then it'll be like, okay. Yeah. But if you're like making fun of Catholicism to her, she does not. She just can't see the... You can't handle it.

Yeah, as a non-Catholic, I gotta say, I respect that sort of fear that they instilled for silence. Yeah. I respect that. Yeah. Yeah. She like, and I was raised like, like I probably, I mean not probably, I did defend Cathalus as a kid. I mean, cause you are indoctrinated so hard.

Sure. And there's a lot of fear. Yeah. So you're like fearing that you're upsetting the man in the sky. You know what I mean? Like very scared. Legit.

Yeah. Did you ever get a look from a priest? Like, you ever get one of those? Like, you know, luckily. Little glance down. The only weird thing that ever happened one of those? Like, you know, luckily. A little glance down. The only weird thing that ever happened, because I was never an altar boy or anything. Because when you do confession and you're raised to be like, this is where you should, you have to say these things.

You call it confession, I call it community blackmail. Yeah, exactly. I call it. So I used to, you used to confess masturbating. That was like, you're taught that. And I think the term you go, I was impure. And I was doing confession and I mentioned that. And the priest on the other side was like breathing hard

and like asking me to tell me about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And as a kid, you probably didn't know. You're like, wow wow this guy must have just ran here no cause I see tired I was like I knew I knew something was up. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, yeah

Yeah, you kept like asking me for like details and I was like what? Yeah, you know what wants to know tell him a full picture, yeah, but he didn't know he was talking it was a young Thompson girl you like I watch guys nailing their balls Guys like hated I'm losing my fucking erection Could you switch it up? My mother used to tell me that when I masturbated the angels were crying Did you hear that a lot like that was a very I guess my mom's age range of mother would say the angels cry every time you masturbate and you can do that, but just know that you're upsetting the angels and they're hysterical crying.

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I get excited when I say kids, when I tell my family Harry's at the door, your father's gonna go out with Harry tonight. Harry, you gotta go's Harry. I get excited when I say kids when I tell my family Harry's at the door. Your father's going to go out with Harry tonight. Yeah, Harry. You got to go with Harry. So right now you can get a $13 trial set for just $3 at harrys.com slash history hyenas. That's it baby. All one word.

Yes. Get the Five Blade Razor Weighted Handle Foaming Shave Gel and we use our exclusive link harries.com slash history hyenas for a three dollar trial set. If you want to be a three dollar bill, you go to harries.com slash history hyenas and you get a three dollar trial set. Yeah. I'm a fan of the Catholic Church because I feel like that level of sexual repression creates a very hot kind

of sexual psyche. Right. Like makes everything forbidden, which makes it nice. It's almost worth it. It's almost worth it for the girls that it produces. Right. They were hiking up the Catholic school dresses. Well, the Catholic school girls thing when you're-

Yeah. Dude, if you were in the early 2000, well, late 90s when I was in high school, in high school in 1998, 1999, if you were a Catholic high school girl and you had an ass like Christopher Maloney, I was in. I was just waiting for you to talk about Christ. And look, it's produced maniacs from the beginning. Pope Alexander VI, Rodrigo Borgia, Italian kid. He was the pope from 1492 to 1503. Now, this guy was a wild guy because he possibly murdered people and he was assassinating people while he was acting

pope. So, a lot of times these crime, you know, the papacy and Catholicism just hides criminals because this was basically a mob boss in a rope. He was the mafia guy that would just kill everyone. You know, Caesar Borgia, who was the military commander at the time, he was like, the Borgias were like, you know, they would fight with like the, who was the other big family in Italy? The Medici's. The Medici's and the Borgias were going together. So they would basically have this pope. See, the thing is with history is no matter how bad it is, like you would think everybody heard about a pope who was killing people, who was a mass murderer, but the truth is nobody's heard about him until we talked about him today on the hyenas.

I mean, when you look at how many kids may have gotten got throughout the centuries, silence and nobody talking about it is a big, big part of what the Catholics are good at. A lot of people don't today realize just how powerful the Catholic Church was in this era. Like for generations, centuries, the amount of money, power, influence, and control they had over an entire continent was like unrivaled. Like you can't even begin. If you're good at, when we went to Italy, and you go to Lake Como,

and you're taking a tour on the lake, and you're looking at these like, these villas, these estates, the guy driving around goes like, do you know like when this was built? And you're like, when? They're like 14 something. And they're like, do you know who built it? No, he's like, the Vatican. And I'm like, that, the Vatican built that? Yeah, that was for a cardinal to just live

in. And then he decided it wasn't big enough. So they built him that one. And it's just like, it's just mob shit. Right. Like, that's not a house for a man of the clergy, you know? It's a palace. Yeah, this whole idea of like, oh, the Pope, like the Pope who just died, Pope Francis, he was all about like modesty and he went the other way. Because that's what you're supposed to have. But that's a new thing. Yeah.

For hundreds of years, you're right. It was just like, they look like rappers. Yeah. A thousand percent. Dressed like rappers, yeah. Yeah, they just walked out to like Kendrick Lamar. Yeah, yeah. Not like us was playing.

Just to be able to get away with that for so long going like, and God preached a rich man has a better chance of getting to heaven than a camel going through the eye of a needle and just saying that in like just a gold dome with ropes on and a robe. Oh yeah. Marble everywhere. It's insane. Yeah, your own country within a country. And then like this is just like the material stuff, but then these guys were straight up

just killing people. Oh yeah, yeah. Well, here's this one, brings us to Pope Benedict the 9th. He was the Pope three times, three separate times between 1032 and 1048. So he kept just being the Pope, three separate times between 1032 and 1048, so he kept just being the pope, then leaving, then coming right back, and he was accused of corruption and selling the papacy. He became the pope at age 20. He was accused of rape, murder, and general debauchery. One guy said he lived as a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest. He sold the papacy to his

godfather so he could get married, then he tried to take it back later. So that's pretty wild. That quote is insane. Yeah, that somebody said lived as a demon from hell In the disguise of a priest. And it's one of those things where like I love to go back in history because it's like I don't Need another spider-man. I need a movie about pope benedict the ninth. Yeah, I want the who who is the rapist murderer pope? Incredible. I want to watch that movie. I would love to see that. That's going to be Conclave 2 when it comes out. Well, he became pope at 20, so it's like. You can't do that. You can't do that.

You can't give a 20-year-old the papacy. Is that what it's called? The papacy, yeah. The papacy. The honest papacy. The papacy. Yeah, you just can't do that. Yeah, I mean.

He's too young. Pope John XII, sex in the Vatican, this guy gambled, drank heavily, invoked pagan gods, and he got caught having sex in the Basilica multiple times, and he possibly died under mysterious sexual circumstances. Some say he was beaten by the husband of a woman he was with, so this guy was just wild. We say, guys, when we say you have a screw loose, we say you got a leaky roof. Yeah. This guy has a leaky roof.

He just was a psychopath. Yeah. And then this guy I thought was funny just because of his name, his name was Pope Stephen, which everyone else, you know, is like, this guy was just Pope Steve. Hey man, I'm Steve. Hey man. Yeah, they call me Pope Steve, Stevie Popes. And he got accused of corpse desecration. He put the dead body of Pope Formosus on trial, dressed it in papal robes and screamed accusations at the corpse. Then he found the corpse guilty, cut off its fingers and threw it in the Tiber River. So it's just what it is.

Yeah, I mean, and that was in 896. Yeah. Yes. Because before we were under constant video surveillance, this is how humans acted. Like, if there was no cameras on the people in charge and there was no way you could just take someone out to a field and do that, people would do that. People would do much crazier shit.

Our leaders are just not doing that now because they're like, oh, there's a system of rules. It's so crazy now because we can't comprehend what's next, but the fact that if you ask, somebody could tell you all the streets you walk down today They could just be like, yeah, we have face cans of it like that Like who knows what comes after that the fact that you're tracked everywhere you go completely changes behaviors Yeah, it's like even if you go back

30 years when there's really not that much surveillance Did we have so many more like serial killers and crazy shit happening in the streets. All that goes down because we're surveilled 24 hours. Oh, sure. That's why there's probably no serial killers now. They just can't get away with it, huh? You can't.

And they're probably frustrated and that's why they go like, I'm just gonna get an AR-15 and just blow up a school and then kill myself. I can't get it out. I have a theory on it that the only way you could be a serial killer would be to be so disciplined in the fact that you have no pattern,

that it would, you know what I mean? Like you'd have to kill someone in Maine and then in Arizona. And it would have to be, the planning and the amount of time it would take, because those guys always stay in regions and there's no way you could do it. It's really sad.

Yeah, you could just, nobody could get away with it, because it's like you just take a couple of crimes, and then you just ask Chat Cheap BT, you're like, who would this motorcycle be? And they're like, oh, that's Tom. Tom did that. You just follow, every time he did an arena show, he just killed somebody.

Yeah. Just like, that's Tom, I have it right here. That's the way they got Vince Champ. Oh, that's right. That's right, forgot about that. They finally looked at his touring schedule, and they're like, ah, that's the guy. That's right.

Vince Champ is in all, if you guys don't know, he's an old comic that was squeaky clean. That was the thing about him. He never cursed, never uttered a bad word, didn't even say poopy, but yet he was raped. I think he did Star Search. Star Search. He did Carson. He had a career. And he was going and doing college shows and then after the shows, raping girls and then

having them pray with him to forgive him for his sins. And then it just took one cop who just looked a little bit at the tour schedule and said, oh, I think it's Vince Camp. Yeah, I mean, that was my favorite part. He would sodomize them and then he'd go, let's pray together. And at that point you're going like, come on. There was this Lafayette police officer, it's like a famous case, where he was on duty,

like an active officer, and he was breaking into homes and assaulting women. And then on the way, like the women said that, like on the way out, he'd be like, look, you gotta lock these doors, you gotta, like he would tell them, he's like, you gotta, you're not being safe. And they were like, appreciate it. He's like, these windows are no,

like you tell them. By the way, just so this doesn't happen again, let me give you a few tips. Yeah, you're gonna need a lot of them. One of the ways that they, one of the hints to the investigators is the way that he held his flashlight. Cause lay people hold their flashlights like this,

but cops hold them like this. And he was always like this. Like talking. He always had his gun after his flashlight. Like just, this. And he was always like this. Like cop. He always had his gun after his flashlight. Like just. And then they were like, wait, he held his flashlight up here? And they're like, yeah, it was kind of weird.

Yeah. He had a walkie talkie. Yeah. Before all this stuff, maybe that's how they figured out if the killer was white or black. They were like, was the bullets angled like this? Or like that? Yeah.

So there was a Pope, Pope Pius XI. Now they're saying that he condemned aspects of Nazism, racial ideology, pagan nationalism, but the Nazis were just saying that he was their guy. The Nazis, right? The thing is with the Nazis and propaganda is they were just like, look, Pope Pius is our guy, and we're just going to, you know, he's telling us that what, you know, we're, we're as Nazis, we're being good Catholics. So, yeah. Well, he, they, him and Hitler like signed some sort of pact, right? They made him sign a pact saying like, um, Hitler is going to respect the Catholics in Germany and then sort of the Catholic church kind of looked the other way with a little cleaning that the Nazis wanted

to do. It's just what it is. It was kind of a handshake deal. Yeah, it was like a handshake deal. Yeah, yeah. Well, I heard something too about the Nazis about how like Winston Churchill and FDR and the Allies knew what was happening in the Holocaust, just that it was the Nazi scientists were just basically doing experiments on, you know, the Holocaust victims and they were getting results.

So that Winston Churchill and FDR were like, you know, it sucks, but it's like, hey, people get, there might be a profit here, might be a little business here, we get a new type of medicine or something we could sell big. And then once Hitler just started killing everyone and not doing experiments,

they're like, all right, now we gotta jump in. It's just what it is. Yeah, shit happens. Well, this is how business is done. No, FDR's gone a bit nasty. Yeah, yeah. You just bit nasty. Yeah, yeah. That's, this is how business is done. After I was going to business. Yeah. That's all it is. But yeah, it just, even like, yeah, you could get away with that for a while too.

Like they had camps set up and they were exterminating people and you couldn't do that now. Someone would just take a phone and be like, what the fuck is going on here? Well, like the people, I love the German citizens. Have you ever seen like the interviews of like the fuck is going on here? Yeah, what's going on here? Well, like the people, I love the German citizens, have you ever seen like the interviews of like the surrounding towns of concentration camps? They're like, we had no idea what was going on in the interview. It didn't smell like a barbecue. Yeah.

Like all of a sudden it was just barbecue for months. They're like, we just thought they were making barbecue. We thought they were having Haasenfell. Yeah, you all knew. You definitely knew, man. Yeah, they were just, and so, so the jewelry store was closed for more than a week. You're like, what's going on? Just a family add up.

Yeah, they said they'd be back in 15 minutes. It's so crazy, but like, it just is so, like, it highlights human behavior. Like, if people in power start doing something and you're not the target of it, then human beings just go like, yeah, I'm safe, I'm okay. It's basically how it is being a New Yorker.

You see like a stabbing happening in the train, you're going like, it's not happening to me, don't say anything, don't intervene. That's one of my favorite Louis C.K. jokes where he said his family was in town from wherever and they'd never been in New York and they got off the train and they saw a homeless person like on the floor,

like bleeding and like screaming. And they were like, his family was like, oh my God. And they went to help him and Lou was like, no, no, no, we don't do that here. Yes, leave it alone. Yeah. And they were like, what? He's in pain, he's in need.

And they're like, yeah, that's just, we leave that. We leave that here. Yeah. Or like my dad was always the, like he thinks yeah, that's just, we leave that. We leave that here. Yeah. Or like my dad was always the, like he thinks every homeless guy is just like faking it. So I remember like a homeless guy literally came up, no legs, in a wheelchair, in traffic in the Holland Tunnel when they used to do that. And my dad was like, everyone lock the doors, lock the windows, this guy's faking it.

I was like, he has no legs. So there's no way I could see, he's got like an infection. And my dad's like, don't do it, it's all fake. He's like, no. He's a shit. He can work like everybody infection. My dad's like, don't do it. It's all fake. He can work like everybody. That's prosthetic. It's how they get you gypsy. Cause I, I was having sex the other night and I took a blue chew before.

And I'll tell you what, man, this guy, he told me that he's never felt anything like it. The guy really had a nice time when I took a Bluechew. Have better sex with Bluechew. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex and starting now, Bluechew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off as well. It's what it is because this guy, he really enjoyed it. And so, at the best part, it's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. You just got a rock hard piece. And it's just ready for anybody to touch it. Guys, girls, it don't matter.

Yeah, you know, it comes right to you, so nobody knows. Everyone just thinks your piece is just, it's steel. You want a piece made out of steel? Bluetooth's got you covered. I love it dude I make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at Bluetooth.com and we got a special deal for our listeners as always try the first month of Bluetooth free when you use promo code hyenas that's H-Y-E-N-A-S you just pay that five dollar shipping that's promo code hyenas visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. And of course, we thank Bluetooth

for sponsoring the podcast. And I thank that guy for really giving me a good time. Yeah, if you knew his name, it wouldn't be gay sex. It wouldn't be gay. You're not supposed to know his name. All right, so now the Pope, so now the Pope is dead. So Pope Francis is dead. So now, Jesse, I want us to pull up.

I want the three of us here to put a bet on, and we can do this hopefully through DraftKings, put a bet on who's going to be the next Pope. That's a big one. That's a big one, because now we're feeling, Yannis and I in here are feeling that you can't go with another white guy. You have the Latino guy, you can't go back to white. So it's going to have to be, we got a Chinese kid is in there, there's a Filipino guy, a

couple of black guys, and then a couple of, um, uh, a couple of races. We don't know, but let's pull up. Yeah. So this guy already I could tell you is out. We got a fat face white guy's name is Cardinal Jean Mark Avellin. We don't want a French Pope. No, you don't want a French Pope. I don't trust them. I think that, uh, you know, they're, yeah, go down. There should be a list. I thought we had a list. Of possible ones. It's listing them like this.

Yeah, I wanna see their pictures though. I think it was the New York Post maybe. They had a possible. New York Post is good at pictures instead of words. Yes. Yeah, that's one of the good ones. I love the New York Post. I read it every morning like it's a pop-up book.

The New York Post you can look at, which is great. Yeah. You can just watch. Yeah, yeah, put it in the New York Post. I read it every morning like it's a pop-up book. The New York Post you can look at, which is great. You can just walk. Yeah, yeah. Put it in the New York Post. And then get up the... It's the Instagram of newspapers. There it is. This is the one that I read this morning. Yeah. Yeah. So, all right. So, I mean, it is wild. I mean, Pope Francis, let's just be honest, he did not look good towards the end here.

No, no. That does not look like a guy who was going to survive. Yeah. Yeah. Well, since they found out about the baby blood, these guys have been struggling with their health. So this is the guy Cardinal, go down. Yeah. Cardinal Tagel. He's a Filipino one. Cardinal Lewis Tagel. Now, I think this guy is my pick. I think we call him Eastern Hemis. I think an Eastern Hemis is going to be the one

because with the influence China has and all that, want an Eastern Hemi in that seat. I mean, it's a, it would be a wild, I don't think that's anything like that's ever happened. No. Cause it's really about those other, the other Cardinals voting. Right. You go, how many of them are going to be like Eastern Hemi is the way to go. But he stacked the court. Right. Yeah. He's Pope Francis.

He nominated a lot of guys who were, Really? Yeah. Who were like liberal into what he was doing. It's basically he stacked him with a lot of like pro were really yeah who were like liberal into what he was doing it's basically stacked him with a lot of like pro-abort man yeah the highest chance of getting a not like a truly non-what like this guy's not gonna make it Cardinal Pietro Parolin at 70 he just looks like too many other yeah yeah I'm sorry to say I know you guys are Catholic I don't want to disrespect but there's no way I'm leaving this guy in a room with my kid for more than five

seconds right I mean it's just on his face. I mean, it's just, it's on a lot of their faces. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy, no, no, yeah. Yeah, this is the Frenchman. Yeah. He's the favorite. He's the favorite? That's what it says. He's the favorite successor. See, no, I don't, I don't think, I really in my heart think that it's like, there's no way they can give it to another white guy. It's just not possible. But if you're, if they're saying he's a favorite, but you never know because what happens now, if you watch the movie Conclave, what happens now is they're going to start to go into, they're going to start to dig

into these guys' pasts. So like if they, if they got anything that they need to find. Oh, and they got stuff. They got stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not giving it to this guy. This Dutch guy. No way. No way. No way of freaky deaky Dutchies. I'm not happy with your shoes walking around like freaking Vatican. There's no way they're voting for the Dutchman. No way. It's not happening. All right. Let's see. He's 71. How about this guy? Cardinal Malcolm Ranjith. This is an Indian kid. That's crazy. Yeah. Could you imagine? Dude, but this is maybe, maybe it's 2025. Maybe it is gonna be the Filipino or the Indian.

That's what I'm thinking. That's the time it could happen. This guy's from Sri Lanka. Well, if you think about it as a business, you wanna go where the population's at, right? Yeah. Our Hollywood movies, they make money in China, we need that market, so you wanna go Eastern Heming

just to a pretty big market. And if you do really wanna fight, get the fuck out of here. This guy, Cardinal Robert Sarah is legitimately from Africa. He's from Dakar. So I don't know if, I don't know if they, can you do that? Are they allowed to vote for that? Imagine somebody puts a vote like, are we allowed to, want a vote from, is that, can we do it? This question mark? Yeah, they're like, I think if I'm allowed to, you think he has zero chance. I mean, I don't like, it depends on what this, this conclave looks like, right?

Like, I do feel like there's, it's like anything, there's a time where you go, it's impossible, and then you get enough people that think a certain way that like evolve, progress along that these things are possible. I don't know. I mean, I don't know this guy's standing with the other Cardinals, because that's really what it is, is that they go, we have the confidence in this person. We can agree on this. We can agree on this, that for sure Cardinal Robert Sara from Dakar, definitely out of all the candidates, does have the biggest cock. He has to.

That we can absolutely confirm. Which, by the way, check that box. I'd like him in charge. Yeah. Now, are you guys saying this because he's an African gentleman? Well, I'm just, no, not necessarily, I'm just saying he just looks like a man with a big penis. He looks like that's what the robes cover.

Right, right. Yeah. That's all dick under there. Yeah. Now, is he, is it tough because he's black? Like, are you saying it's going to be tough to have a black pope? Well, not under there. Yeah. Now, is it tough because he's black? Are you saying it's going to be tough to have a black pope? Well, not for us. We don't mind, but I think the papacy is going to not do that. That would be funny if Tom was like, whoa, don't speak for me.

Hey, hey. Yeah. No, I'm saying that. Yeah, I don't want no black guy in the back. No. I think it's funny because it's like, there used to be movies that like the whole premise of, not even that long ago, they were like, imagine if we had a black president and like that was the hilarious premise that like Bernie Mac is the president guarantee this I can guarantee you this if Cardinal Robert Sara from Dakar somehow does win the pope within minutes after he is nominated or accepts the Pope in my group chat, one of my friends will send this Pope in the Pope Mobile with rims on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, those will be there. That's what's gonna happen and all those memes are gonna start to go around. It will explode. Absolutely, like pimp my ride, Pope Mobile. And the chain will be like. It's just within minutes. I mean literally moments.

Park Hill projects kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, moments after Donald Trump got shot when his ear was bleeding and he had that fist up in the group chat, they put, let's go Mets over that Donald Trump picture. So those are the kind of friends I have. Yes. Now let me ask you this question, woman possible?

No. No. No, because you have to be a cardinal. Yeah, yeah. So I think a woman will become a priest in our lifetime. I think they'll open that up. Probably. Maybe that by the time we're a little bit older. A little bit. Yeah. It's either going to either let women in, let the priest get married, or just let the priest be pedophiles. They're just going to let them have a kid. Just start fucking guys. Here's the thing. You shouldn't, you shouldn't, that is like a biological function of being a human being. Yeah. Yeah. And repressing it is just, it doesn't, that is like a biological function of being a human being. Yeah, yeah.

And repressing it is just, it doesn't have good results. The Greeks don't have that? Yeah. The Greeks allow their priests to marry. Do you think it's because of the repression that it happened? I think so. You think so? I do think, I do think it at least plays a role in it.

Yeah. Where like these guys are fighting this human urge that is virtually impossible to resist. Right. Like it is, it's like part of our, it's like our primary function as living beings. Right. So it's, I think it's crazy. I mean, priests and popes especially have to absolutely crank it on a daily basis, right? And then just cry about it and ask for forgiveness. Yeah, take a belt and just hit themselves.

Oh my God, dude, if the angels were crying with me, they must be like literally going into shock. Yeah. Also, you know, our bodies, they obviously change as we age, but imagine being a priest at 22. Yeah. And you're just like, I'll just shut this down. Yeah. That's why that pope went wild at 20. That's just too young. 100%. Yeah. There was a 25 year old priest in my old parish and he just had a raging boner every Sunday. Yeah, yeah. Just through the robes. And also the tension that that would build up. Like if he is interacting with some woman, whether she works there or is this of none,

the tension that would build up would be irresistible at some point. Exploding, all right, let's see who else we got. So he's probably not gonna make it. Then we got, go down a little bit more. Those are it, so we got Karno- Those are the. Oh, those are it. So we got Carinol. Those are the front runners. Those are the front.

Robert Tsar from Dakar, the Asian kid, the Indian kid, a Dutch guy who's not going to make it. And then the Frenchman is the one right now who's in the lead. I don't know. Here's the thing. The closest to like what we're used to is the Frenchman, right? Like, it's from the region that's still a Catholic, you know, country, historically, and like, I don't know, but I just feel like it might be time for that shift. Yeah, you're saying.

Dude, I honestly, if I was Pope too, I would, because you can pick, honestly, any name you want, it doesn't have to, they just do traditional, but I would go something wild. I would go Pope LeBron. That's what I would say. Yeah. I would go Pope LeBron. That's what I would say. Yeah. Something with an apostrophe. Yeah. Yeah. Pope Dequel. Pope Dequel, yeah. Pope LeBron would be my choice. How do they measure? Is it by stats? Is it like, what do they do? How do they draft it?

Like, you know? So these cardinals are all going to go into this room. Yeah. And they're going to go through rounds of voting. Right. Right. And then if they don't have the number of votes you needed to be, they'll put them all into this fireplace and they'll put out black smoke,

which means they have to do another session. And they'll do rounds of that until they all, until there's a majority vote for one. And what are they based it on? What are they looking at, guys? Numbers, are they going, this guy's got 14? They usually are like, Confessions, 100 confessions. These cardinals, you know, it's a power play thing, right? And it's under the guise of like,

this is a moral and upstanding, but it is just like politics. So they're just going like, he's been at it, whatever, 40 years, and he's this type of guy. Sometimes they'll also whatever, 40 years and he's this type of guy. Sometimes they'll also follow along with somebody's, they know that someone might be ultra conservative. And so the other Cardinals that are conservative go, we want to make sure. Got it. So, you know, and then somebody- Very political. Oh my God. So, because St. Peter was the first Pope, but that was just like bestowed upon

him by Jesus, they say. So that's, a lot of people have problems with the way this is. They said, if you really want, because especially Pope, the head of a religion, there shouldn't be any political thing attached to it. It's like the ego, like it's like the president. It's like you can't be a good guy and be the president only because the whole thing of you wanting all the power is technically not good. So the Pope wanting all the power, it's like yes, they're a good guy, like maybe they're very religious, sure, but if you really wanted just the good pope, you just have to randomly pick someone and say, well, you're the pope now, because you're just a priest and, you know. Do you think they consider now like scandals, they're looking at a guy, what do they call

it, his area? Is he a bishop or something or cardinal? Well, you go from, you go, you go, you go for priest, then bishop, then you rise up the ranks just like, just like, dude, it's like, like Tom said, it's like a politician. It's like being a referee. Cardinals have like a region. So they're like regional managers. If this was a corporation, the Pope is like the CEO. Yes. And then the Cardinals are like the regional managers. Yeah, exactly.

And then you got franchises. Yeah, yeah. Priests. Yeah. Yeah. And those are like the Indian guys that own Subways. It's a hell of a business. It was a big, it was a farce was a big art It was big in my community because the it was Bishop Thomas Dolan and Bishop

We would always thank Bishop Thomas Dolan at the end of every mass and then Bishop Thomas Dolan became a Cardinal Yeah, so that was huge like that. I remember that being the Ridgewood Gazette like dude our bishop just made it to the big Yeah, that's big. We like Got called up. Yeah, he got called up big, and it was huge news. Does any of it have to do with the charisma of the way he delivers a sermon? Sure. We told them.

All of that. So all possible. Yeah, you can't. And you also have to play the game the right way. You've got to be out there and being like, you know, gays go to hell. You have to do that. Yeah, but now?

Well, this guy's, he cozied up to the gays the last time. A little, but he did stop short. Pope Francis did stop short of saying gays should allow to be married. So I think the media, but he did stop short, Pope Francis did stop short of saying gays should allow to be married. So I think the media you're going to see, I think the media is going to want to see a guy get in that's going to allow gays to be married. Yeah, I mean, it's almost hard to have new popes that aren't somewhat more progressive

than the last, because just like, you're pope sometimes for 20 plus years, so like, the times change. So like, there's conservative Catholics who think that Pope Francis was too progressive, you know? Like that he was like moving along too many things. But are they making the same mistake that Hollywood made in assuming that people want diversity and they want LGBTQ? Bingo.

Yeah, are they, is it, is going back to white the way to go? Nate Bargatze, Shane Gillis, is that the way we go? It's could be. It very much could be because these things do swing right on this pendulum and it usually goes one way and then people go enough of that. And then the other way. Yeah. Yeah. So we should make, maybe the next Pope should just go real old school and be like the first guy and just start cutting people's fingers off and throwing them in the river. Maybe this new Pope just goes, not only is gay marriage not allowed, we don't want interracial. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody get out. Yeah. Dude,

it is wild too, because like Pope John Paul, the second, like our big Pope of most of our life, you know what? He got shot. He got, like there's so many things that have happened that were like, wait, what? He was beloved. Beloved, dude. He's Polish. I remember like, I remember my cleaning lady was Polish and she loved Pope John Paul. He was the one that had to go into bull group proof.

Yeah, the Pope Mobile. The reason, because the kid just kept getting shot at. Yeah, he got shot. And they kept wanting to kidnap him. They just hated him. And he went and like forgave the guy. Yeah, big deal. I think he literally, if I'm not mistaken,

I think he was actually kidnapped and thrown in the trunk of a car. Wow. Oh yeah, that was a Pope Mobile. That was it, yeah. Shit's rad, dude. Dope. I would love to get banned.

So why were they trying to kill him if he was be loved? Well, because there's always some extremists. I forget the reason of that. Dude, Pope Benedict, Benedict the previous pope just resigned Yeah, that was like the first pope to resign in like a thousand years. He's like getting out of the life He's like, I'm not doing it anymore. I don't know if he's dead. Yeah, I have no idea See cuz things do swing if you look at Afghanistan right now the Taliban just issued an edict

I don't know if you heard about this. It's true, that now, and I'm not making this up, now they want women to only have one eye exposed. Are you serious? For real? He can pull it up. It's a dead serious, it sounds like a sketch, but it's true. So they want the full burka or whatever the stormtrooper outfit, what's it called? Sure, yeah. They want, so only one eye. So now it's one eye. So one eye, yeah, so rule one eye. So, but I don't understand. What do you mean one eye? So like normally they were allowed to have two eyes out, but now it's one. Taliban orders women. Yeah. They only want one eye. Yeah. Got it. And then what's the reasoning? What's the reasoning?

Oh, this is old. This is old. Yeah. This is a true thing though. I don't know. What about the one four days ago? Yeah. Should see with one eye Linda Rosban was the one up there. If you look, yeah, Lena. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Because, uh, I don't understand how that makes sense. Here's the spoke. It's actually the next Pope. Yeah, this guy. So he says,

women should see with one eye. Yeah. Once I've covered up. Yeah. Right. I guess it's good. It's a good for them to see less of their current situation. Yeah, that's true. That's nice. Yeah. I like that this dude can say this with full confidence. Oh yeah, he's up there. No, he's on legit, like their CNN.

He's like, one eye? He's like, guess what we're going to do? Yeah. Why is two too many? Like, do we know? I mean, I think, yeah, I think it's just like tattoos. Once you get a lot, you just want to keep going. What are people saying, Jesse?

You got them coming up all the way. It's an addiction. I like to see what the people say about stuff like, are there no comments about this? Okay, only, oh, she's got a private account. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, look, dude, the Taliban just, they kind of just do what they want to do and they just live life. I think maybe they were getting a little too turned on from two eyes. Yeah. So they were like, let's try one.

Yeah. So they were like, let's try one. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with Al-Hila, I agree with Dr. Um Saraji, I agree with them. I agree with them a lot. I agree with name cannot be blank. They're really making sense. This guy, Radha, Spinarity, Weiss, Atul, I really agree with what they're saying. Yeah, like you look at Afghanistan, women started getting a little, we were there, and

then it swung back the other way. Yeah. So it's, you know, it's time maybe the Catholics swing back too. Right. Yeah. That'd be cool. That'd be cool if there's some new rules we don't expect to come out of this. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. this day and age from the church would be pretty fucking cool. It would be fun if like a young one came in and just got absolutely jacked, like was just absolutely on steroids and just a monster doing it. Shirtless all the time. Yeah, it'd be awesome. And he comes in, he's just like, look, we're not doing any of that like woke stuff. And he's like,

the boy stuff was part of our culture. That's like, we're going back to that. Going back. We're going back. We're going to be open about it. Yeah, we're going to be open about it. You know what's wild too is Pope Francis was definitely sick, but dude, JD Vance just saw him two days ago. Like he went, JD Vance went and visited him two days ago and then he died. JD really? He died hours after he met with JD. Was JD Catholic?

I think JD is Catholic. Is he? I think he's a Catholic kid. We've come a long way. You know, there was a time in this country where being Catholic meant you could not be in power. It was all wasps. Yeah. Paid his tribute one day after meeting him. What religion is JD Vance? Catholic Church! St. Gertrude!

Yeah. He may be one of the only vice presidents or presidents we've had who's Catholic. He was baptized in 2019 though, so that means he's a convict. He's a newbie. Dude, maybe he's undercover, maybe he killed the pope. Is this like a wife thing? Did he do it for the- No, the wife's Indian. Hindi. Yeah, she's Hindu. Why did he go Catholic then? That's interesting. He chose his Patriot Saint was Augustine of Hippo.

Yeah. That's a fun one. So you have to- This is interesting for people who aren't Catholic, so what's the confirmation state? It's like a sponsor in AA or something? Exactly, so like my full name is Christopher Paul Anthony de Stefano. Paul is the middle name and Anthony, St. Anthony is my confirmation name. That's the patron saint. St. Anthony is the patron saint of traffic. Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Yeah! And you have one? I do and I don't remember what it is. Yeah. You don't remember your confirmation name? I don't remember my confirmation name. Your mom would be more upset about that than the fact that you said the Jews killed the Pope. Yeah. And you have one? I do, and I don't remember what it is. You don't remember confirmation? I don't remember my confirmation. Your mom would be more upset about that than the fact that you said the Jews killed the

Pope. Yeah. Yeah, so confirmation is like, it's the Catholic equivalent of like a bar mitzvah. It's you becoming an adult in Catholicism. It's not as, I don't think most Catholics see it as meaningfully as Jewish people see bar mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs, but it is like, you do it when you're like 14, 15, so it's like, hey, now you're a grown-up in the Catholic Church.

Yeah. I used to go, I went to Catholic Church with a few of my friends when I was a kid, and all I can say, I gotta be honest, as an outsider, fucking boring. It is boring. I mean, it is. It's the most boring. It's the sno. It is boring. I mean, it is. It's the most boring. It's snooze fat. My confirmation, by the way, my confirmation class was 13 of us, and we would go to the

church. And guess who gave us our confirmation address? Like when we were confirmed, it was Tommy Lasorda. Wow. Yeah. Tommy Lasorda came in and was like, it's great being Catholic. Gave us his little speech, and then we were like, oh, some kids were like, I don't even know who that is.

Like, wow. And you're like, those are the gay kids. Yeah, those are the gay kids. No, Tommy Lasorda. Come on. Yeah. What was his, what was it? Was it Insure?

What was it? What would he, what was his product when we were kids? Oh, it was. Not Nutriment. No, it was. Tommy Lasorda. The Shake. The Shake. What was the Shake? Tommy Lasorda. The shake, the shake, the shake,

Tommy Lasorda shake. What the hell was that? It didn't work. Whatever. Yeah. He had a big fat ass. Fatty shake. Slim fat, slim fat slim down eventually. He did. Yeah, he did. Tommy Lasorda slim fast, which we, it's so funny now. Like we thought that was healthy. Now we know that is absolute garbage. And he had like that public persona of, this is like everyone's sweet uncle. And then you can see like him mic'd up on the field, like this fucking cocksucker.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Dude, the man. All right, well here's what we do at the end of every episode. We ask our fans to go to patreon.com slash historyienes and they make a funny name and then we pick our winner our

PPW our pseudo penis of the week and then we put their names up in lights at history hyenas is back calm So Tom if we're just gonna read off a few names You know, yeah, just four five minutes help us pick the winner. Okay, so we just pick it out and then usually You know, we kind of we decide who wins and I'll explain the rules So the ones that we really love go on the list. If they're good, but not like list worthy, we call that a Drexler because Michael Drexler was in the era with Michael Jordan.

So it was like, if Michael Jordan wasn't there, they could have won. I got it. I call it Drexler. And then the good simple ones are chicken fingers. And then there's walked into ones where the fans try to trick Chris. Somebody will say something racist in the name and then we say I walked into that one

and obviously we don't condone that kind of behavior. And they've gotten very creative. And now they really get me and there's a couple times I've said the full N-word accidentally. And those are walked into ones and that's not okay. And of course we have extra bonus episodes. We do full other 45 minute plus episodes only at patreon.com slash history. I is and that's where the real fun happens because we could just go off the rails. We're going to let you pick this one.

Here we go. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. So first some people just choose regular names and we call them straight to the back where they just want their name. Like they're walking straight to the back of a porn video store and they don't just hear for the content.

They're here for the content. They have a regular good job and they have a nice family. So we have Demetrius Perry. Then we got Fumari Shafir and the region of skanks. Oh, the region of stanks. Region of stanks. Victim of a bad read, but probably wasn't going to make it. David Guzzi.

Then we got checked in with my dick at the check-in after banging out Binbin. Okay. Then we got put a muzzy on my dog because he wouldn't stop barking. Now he really chases frisbees. Okay. Okay. So tell them what frisbees are. Muzzies are Muslims.

Frisbee, frisbees are Jews. Yarmulkes are frisbees. So he's saying that his dog chases Jews. Pretty good. Pretty good, but not, not good enough to get on the list yet. Drexler? That's a Drexler for you. Then we got, so far, I mean, I'm just exposed to this for the first time.

So then we got, if this Hugo Boss Monkey doesn't stop talking about the Yuca app, I will chop my dick off. Shout out to Elgabus. So Hugo Boss monkey is a German Nazi. It's a German Nazi. Sure. You know, like a Spanish person will call like a Fiesta monkey, Italian's a sauce monkey. Yeah.

Chinese is a spy monkey. So we call it- Greeks are diner monkeys. Greeks are diner monkeys. So this guy called Germans Hugo Boss monkeys, he's referring to me because I talk about the Yuca app which scans foods for nutrition, then he says he's going to chop his dick off and shout out to Elgabalus who was a famous Roman emperor who was trans. I mean this is a pretty crazy name.

But sometimes people go, they have too many things. But know what this guy made me realize about you? When you get into something, you talk about it a lot. A lot. Yeah, he talks about it a lot. I mean, that UCAQ, we had to endure like three months straight of him endorsing the UCAQ. Yeah, and then it just disappears from your life.

Because I'll just leave it at this. I've also discovered this weekend, it's all part of my addiction. So, and we'll talk about that at the Patreon. So, Jack Tinerman, Evan Petty, then we got Wei-Sean Cena, AKA Zizhen pins ball boy, um, Carrie Antolis, Brodrick Boneman, Eric Hernandez.

Then we got toot with a boot, like a V-dub bug. It's a foopa. Okay. Uh, Chrissy put the W, oh, Chrissy put the wig back on please. Okay. I guess I put your wig on once.

Team Smacks, Sanjay Gupta, Brandon Stone, Fiddle Castro. What Fiddle Castro's, Fiddle, like Fiddle Castro? And they wrote C-A-W-S-T-R-O, Castro. Fiddle Castro. I don't know. Nothing there, almost. George Dangler, Rickle, Ramis Astorbo, Daniel Caldellano, Adam Muscata, Martin Leroy King Jr.

Okay, so that's a good one, but you have to know. So blacks are Leroy's. Yeah. And so what was the name again? Because my father used to order a black coffee and he used to call it Coffee Leroy coffee and he's called Coffee Leroy. Yeah. So they call black people Leroy.

Wait, but who, what was, what was the fucking thing he used to make you shoot over? Also Leroy. Leroy stick. That was just Leroy. Leroy wasn't, Leroy was just what he was called. But he called that the Leroy stick. The Leroy stick. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So we got, so Martin Leroy King Jr. Yeah. That's good. Not bad. Yeah. Drexler. But sometimes we get a list where there's 20 people on the list out of the first 25 names,

and sometimes you only get one or two people on the list. That's what's exciting about this. Yeah, you just don't know. This one so far I'm going to say pretty light. Pretty light. Leak list. But it's okay. We still got more names.

Maple Monkey from the Uncle Dad part of Canada. So Maple Monkey, Canadian. Canadian Monkey. If you would have left it at Maple Monkey, it might have gone on. Might have gone on. Tiffany Lawrence, Mike Oxlong, Georgius, Carla, Carlastamidic, okay. David B, then we got Shlomi Frisbur, king of the shoes.

Cause he says Jews can morph and get into your shoes. Yeah, they can, they crawl in your shoes, making sure you lay flat. That's why I sent you that Yamaha yesterday, and I said, oh, you got it on my shoes. Yeah, that's right. They can get you, they crawl in your shoes. That's why I sent you that yarmulke yesterday. Yeah, I said already got my shoes Yeah, right. We have yeah, they can get you crawling your shoes. That's really it's they are capable of anything They are Even kill the Pope. Yeah, Andrew Farquhar Aaron two one four one C Tim Dillon's arch

It's good No, I mean Drexler. Drexler. Now you're getting it. That's totally right. That would be perfect. Ben Shapiro's frisbee. That's Ben's yelp. Chicken finger. Yeah. Nothing's blowing Tom away yet. Yeah.

Net Tech nerd. Then we got herpes gave me herpes. It's what it is. Kid just said he got herpes. From a trans woman. From a trans woman. Michelle Doherty, Kyle Campos, Gregory Davis. My real name is Mike Cock.

And I'm a trans woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm a trans woman. I'm a he got herpes. From a trans woman. From a trans woman. Michelle Doherty, Kyle Campos, Gregory Davis. My real name is Mike Cock, es lo que es.

It's what it is. Actually, that kid's real name. Moose man Gibby. Salichas y frijos pero guapo es lo que es. Okay, so what is that like? Franks and beans, right? Yeah. What does that say in Spanish?

Salichichas y frijos. Isn't that Franks and beans? Salchichas. Salchichas. And frijos. Y frijos. Isn't that Franks and beans? Frank footers and beans? Frijos.

Frijos, isn't that beans? Maybe. Frijos. Pero guapo es lo que es. All right. Okay. But handsome is what it is. I guess.

Underground tunnel rapper, AKA Leroy with a frisbee. Leroy with a frisbee. You aka Leroy with a frisbee. Leroy with a frisbee. You like Leroy with a frisbee? It's clever. Yeah, Leroy with a frisbee. You don't see a lot of Leroy's with a frisbee. He's saying he's a black Jew. And he's saying the tunnels, what's that again? Underground tunnel rapper. So he's an underground tunnel rapper because the Jews are in tunnels. Okay. Okay. They'll not blow a town away. Jordan Barskiewicz, Ted Rudd, Paige Wooten Ray Ray the true blue gay Ryan Witkins David who's gonna carry the tears of the queers Goggins? That's pretty funny. You like that one. I like it. Yeah, not on the list yet, though

No, he's not not something's gonna blow him away. I respect it. He recognizes a list full of drags I like that and that's what this is sometimes. That's what it is That's time some see you next Tuesday Then we got send me straight Jack send me straight to the back of Medusa's ass because it got me rock hard. King Dong, Ivan Lickward. Then we got I lick ball twins guns kill people. I don't know what that means.

Father squeak. Didn't stop to let my wife pee. Now my car smells like H1B. Saying his wife's an immigrant. Yeah I guess. yeah I guess he's saying immigrants smell. Got it. Yeah that's who he's trying to sneak in there. I respect it. Bart Butler, Gordy Bradberry, Rudy Tutsi, Fresh and No Fubi, Yeasty Peace, Bing Banged, Gordy Seps, Jarloff Gavin. I just gotta take a sec cuz I like Yeasty Peace.

It's a good chicken figure. Yeah, it's a simple good one. And then right after that is Bing Banged, which is not bad. Bing Banged is another good one, yeah. Those are chicken fingers. Okay. Forget about it. Nate Nutt, Andres Montes, Bull Moose, Way Sean King is white, Jackie McConnell, Whitney

McGuire, garlic slice thin nice or peepee in butt no dice? Come on. Yeah. You like that? I like it. I got one on the list. Yeah. Because we always say Italian women have to slice the garlic thin or else they get disciplined.

Yeah. Okay. Two things that make Yanni go pewing and that's trans women and cute radiator covers. So guys, we've listened to this show for a long time. Two things that make you honest, hard women, trans women, and then he likes different covers of radiators around New York homes. Yeah, he's really into that. That's a guy who's been a fan from a long time.

But still not on the list. You don't think that that hasn't made it? I mean, what do you think? I'm going to put that on the list. That's a that's a nostalgic one. What do you, because it's a deep cut and deep cut. It's a deep cut. I'm going to put them on the list just for nostalgia, but I don't know

that he's a front runner at all. I don't know if there's any front. That might've been our first charity list because the list is so weak. You threw them on. I don't know if we've ever done that. Right. That was the DEA hire. I'm sorry.

DDI. Yeah. So then we got Jacob Wagner, Greg hair. Then we got Bobby sands. DEI. Yeah. So then we got Jacob Wagner, Greg Hare. Then we got Bobby Sands in your crack. Okay. Noah Sag. Taisha, Taisha Fernandez.

Harry Sisson is voting glue no matter who. Don Quijhoge. Ben Chalohue. Corbin Porter. Andrea Holder was craving Middle Eastern food so ordered Uber Eats and ate my delivery driver's ass. It's what it is. Come on. He's on, he's on, he's on.

Guy was hungry. It sounds like my kind of guy. Yes, your kind of guy. My buddy's obvious anchor baby Faustina Madeish. Okay. Yeah. Parker Lane, if Joe didn't laugh it was funny. Okay.

Oh, I mean Joe Rogan. Is that the Rog the Rogan hit David a Teletubby, Michael Benjamin. How's your being 13 just as straight as Alexander the great. So that means he's gay. Yeah. You said Alexander was gay on the show. Thomas Ryan piece on probation. Xi Jinping keeps entering my canal, but I can't stop with the witch hazel. Okay.

Mofongo in my bunghole, lick it clean AOC. So I want AOC to eat his Mofongo ass. Puerto Rican kid. Puerto Rican kid. Yeah. Zach, Bram Stroker's Dracula, foreigner with foreskin, Kyle, Maxwell, David, Uncle Russell's short kby body. My uncle is a cat judge, he's a famous cat judge.

Yeah, and so he... Did you know that? I think you told me that one time. Yeah, so he has a video out there where he's judging cat, and he goes, this one is my first place cat because it's got a nice short-cobby body. And he speaks with a real New York accent. Real Queens accent, it's very funny. He goes, I got a short-cobby body.

So this guy wanted to make himself Uncle Russell's cat. Okay. Nico Rico, Christopher Whitehead, From Undecheese, Charcuterie Horde, Daniel DeLeo. Then we got, don't be a homo with FOMO. Does the David have a brownie or not? Okay. Carter Lynn Salada. And then let's just see. I don't see anyone. I don't see any of, this was a very, very disappointing light list when we had a guest like Tommy's Tom Cigar on. And we didn't get anybody really, cause last week the list was knockout.

Last week was the best list we might have had in five years. Well that's how it has to go, you can't go like from. All right, so unfortunately guys, this was a weak list, but we do have three that made the list. So we got, this is between who's going to win the PPW Pseudo Penis of the Week, Garlic Slice Thin Nice or PP and Butt No Dice, Two Things That Make Yanni Pyoing, Trans Women and Cute Radiator Covers, and then Was Craving Middle Eastern Food, so ordered Uber Eats and Ate My Delivery Driver's Ass, it's what it is. So who do we like as the winner of those three, Tom?

I mean, I feel like I kind of want to give a nod to the nostalgia of the radiator covers. I feel like that's just like, you know, it's somebody who's been with you this long ride. It feels like that's the right way to go. So you like that, you like that more than eating a Middle Eastern delivery driver's ass? I wouldn't go that far. Yeah. Right. Because that's, I mean, that's fantastic.

That guy is speaking my language. But I just feel like I wanna give the credit to like the person that has been with you that long. I like that, you respect that. So that's the winner. I feel like that person is has been with you that long. I like that. You respect that, so that's the winner. I feel like that person is a, you know. And it's good, it's a good one. Congratulations to Two Things That Make Yanni Pyoing,

Trans Women and Cute Radiator Covers. It's funny too. You are PPW, Pseudo-Penis of the Week. You will see your name up in lights at historyhyenasisback.com, along with all our standup dates. And Tom, where can we see you? Let me speak for fans when I say I'm so happy you guys are back together doing this. Oh, thank you.

Because you guys have unbelievable chemistry together. It's fun to watch. I always, you guys are two of the funniest guys I've ever met. Thank you. I love watching you guys together. So please keep doing this podcast. And we are. And we are.

And we are YMH, baby. We are YMH and we are butt chugging lightning strike every day on this show. We're sticking it in our ass directly and you guys better go to that fucking 5k in Tampa you pieces of shit. Go to it and I'm on tour Tickets are at TomSegura.com slash tour. May 13th my new series Bad Thoughts drops on Netflix. Please check it out. Yep Can't wait to see that. Awesome. Thank you. I saw the trailer. Absolutely. It looks great. Thank you. Thank you