How Did This Get Made? - Matinee Monday: Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Jesse Ventura in a rattail, terribly shot slow-mo fights, the anti-life equation, and much more. Recorded LIVE from Vancouver, Paul, June, and Jason discuss the 1991 sci-fi film Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. (Originally released 06/03/2021)For more Matinee Monday content, visit Paul's YouTube page: https://www.youtube.com/c/PaulScheerGo to www.hdtgm.com for tour dates, merch, and more.Follow Paul on Letterboxd: https://letterboxd.com/paulscheer/HDTGM Discord: discord.gg/hdtgmPaul’s Discord: https://discord.gg/paulscheerCheck out Paul and Rob Huebel live on Twitch (https://www.twitch.tv/friendzone) every Thursday 8-10pm ESTSubscribe to The Deep Dive with Jessica St. Clair and June Diane Raphael here: listen.earwolf.com/deepdiveSubscribe to Unspooled with Paul Scheer and Amy Nicholson here: listen.earwolf.com/unspooledCheck out The Jane Club over at www.janeclub.comCheck out new HDTGM merch over at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/hdtgmWhere to find Jason, June & Paul:@PaulScheer on Instagram & Twitter@Junediane on IG and @MsJuneDiane on TwitterJason is not on Twitter

okay brother let's get our finders and power up our answer boxes because we got to go find a co-mayor let's get ready to time warp that's right we saw a braxis the guardian of the galaxy so you know what that means Demi-Cat, you stand alive. They call me with your bad ass, and he's on the line Crankin' eight, eight minutes, cuz they cool as ice, cuz they bad Jim Barney lookin' kind of nice Paul and Julien, getting lit up, well Jason is getting laid Julien's made for show, all the monkey shots in the paint

They're just a bunch of movies, why they making the grade? Here's a real question for you, how did this kid pay? Hello people of Earth, and hello people of Vancouver I am Tall John Shear And we have a movie for you tonight, Abraxas and the Guardian of the Universe How can I describe this movie? It's hard, it's hard to describe it It's like someone saw the Terminator and said, let's make it a lot dumber You have two finders that are trying to stop a commater, which I don't even understand what the commater is

But they used to be friends, and we find out later they can't kill each other I didn't know that until the very end of the movie But basically it's more slow-mo fight scenes than ever before It is a real, I mean, if we're gonna get into the plot there isn't much Snowy small town, Jesse Ventura and a rat tail, that's what this movie is And to break this movie down tonight, I have to do it with my two co-hosts Please welcome to the stage Richard Jason Manzukas What's up, guys?

Alex! Can we do it, Nick? Fuck you, kid! Jason, Abraxas Guardian of the Universe Abraxas, Abraxas Secundus Were you aware of this movie before today? I've never heard of this And I wish I had never been told about this

And frankly, I blame you fucking assholes Somehow Canada fucks me every time Wanted to run this godforsaken city for a cup of coffee today Couldn't find coffee, couldn't find Little Italy I don't know what the fuck you guys are doing Well, Jason, if you know, we picked this movie because of the romance and the hairstyles And that's why... Holy shit

His pattern on Rat Tail Just cut it off It's like, radic Just cut it off The whole thing is straight trash And when you really got to see it from a side angle, it was upsetting And during the last fight scene, it's flopping around in back of him I was like, what is this?

In Canada, we put this person as an elected official He became our governor And that's not even the most embarrassing person we've elected to a major office We now have multiple people who've held major offices who've competed in wrestling competitions Who've been at WrestleMania's What are we doing? Can I live here? Okay

I don't wanna I would never live here I would never live here USA Anybody? Bring it on, assholes We do not need to start this kind of battle Right out of the gate

Please welcome a person who loves Canada and the United States Equally Miss June Diane Rayfield How are you, June? I'm okay How are you, Paul? I'm very well Thank you

June, Abraxas I know you're a big fan of Jesse Ventura's acting So you were probably familiar with this film Well, I know you said bring it up tonight, bring it up tonight And I didn't want to But I guess I'll say it now For the first half hour of the movie I thought Jean-Claude Van Damme was in this film

June thought that Van... As which part? As the other one Not... Secundice Secundice Do you not understand that the basic build of Secundice Is a giant lumbering oaf

I know And Jean-Claude Van Damme is the quintessence of masculine ripness With them buns? I didn't see any buns I didn't see a single bun But I did think to myself These two men were like Overstuffed sausages

In like dickies Like they just felt like I would click on that on Pornhub Overstuffed sausages in dickies Like even like there's a moment in the movie where They're time warp By the way they invent so many words in this movie They're always explaining them to you

But when they time warp through Like he lost all of his weaponry But they keep all their clothes Like Why did they lose their weaponry? They made a big point of being like After he escaped he went to an armory And stole all these weapons

And he time jumps in and is like I lost all my weapons But if I if By the way I've never heard a movie Where both characters get VO Whose movie is this? Who am I following?

You don't get to have just even sure of being like I knew that I could find him And he was last And then Secundus is like I knew that he would find me And I didn't know if I could best him In a fight but I knew And I knew that it was him

That was the word Well the problem and at one point Because Paul and I watched the majority of the movie together The problem is there were so many leaps That made zero sense And at one point we had to pause the movie Because something was happening And you said you were

Started freaking out when we unpaused Saying wait wait wait we missed so much Like go back We missed Didn't miss anything Hadn't missed it was just Just kept on playing Didn't miss a goddamn thing

I mean I rewound multiple times Trying to figure out Like I must have missed Something cut to Missed nothing Nothing Just hastily edited nonsense I mean the beginning of the movie

Opens with like Have you ever been vaulted? Very painful Like He's also ten thousand Years old My birthday is coming up My birthday is coming up I'm gonna be ten thousand

Eighty-two And he also says on Tuesday What? How does a Brexit know what Tuesday is? Well this movie does that Like that dumb thing where like They're on a planet

Are they as intelligent as us? Really Oh they're planets called Earth Nice name And then these fucking aliens Shade us so hard These fucks

They don't know what's up Those aliens by the way Get a light in your room Like it's so dark in there Those guys are in Complete darkness Or at least get a glowing poster Of something

Maybe their night vision Has evolved to a point That they could never even imagine They're bats They just fly, they just use sonar I said to Jason backstage Because Jason was telling me The name of the movie at the airport this morning

And I was typing it in as he was just Saying vowels and consonants And I was like I was typing in letters like When will I understand where we're headed When will it become a word I recognize When will it become a word That I can wrap my mind around

And it never did It just never did By the end of the movie you totally understand Why it's called a Braxis Well because This movie says a Braxis more than Any movie ever So just by the end of it

By the hour and 26 minutes When it's over You're like well I know a Braxis now Yeah because everyone has To call him a Braxis But every fight scene in this movie You open up in this snowy Slow-mo

Fight Every fight is a slow-mo fight Shot really terribly Like really, really bad But here are two guys So Sven Old Thorson He's the cundice

Is the world's strong man And Jesse Ventura is a wrestler Can I ask a question? That's his accent, right? Are they trying to put on An Arnold accent? Well I clearly was like It felt to me like

Oh we couldn't get Arnold So we're gonna get this guy That's what I literally assumed And then I found out What is before or after the Terminator Which is very similar in story Well I have two pieces to tell you What do you think this movie was made?

Last year I don't know I think I know, 1991 Oh wow That's later than I thought I would have genuinely guessed Like 86 Early to mid 80s

It looks like dog shit The whole first battle scene In the woods is shot Day for night Totally Poorly, it's inverse lit It's absolutely crazy See I'm curious about that

Because I had to watch I couldn't sign on to my Amazon Prime Account in Canada So You proud of yourselves? Are you proud of yourselves? You fucking assholes So I did watch this on YouTube

And I kept on thinking the quality Must just be Nope If you can imagine This was shot on toilet paper They were like Hurry up, we only have one more roll left And it's

Single ply So your finger is going right through But this opening is pretty intense Because Secundus Impregnates a woman with his hand By the way Baller move

And The gestation period Is half an hour Half an hour 30 seconds I don't know how much longer They're in the fight She is instantly pregnant And gives birth moments later

Which is Pretty Nuts By the way I have to give it up to her Because I thought she accepted The job of being a mother very quickly Like

She went from being a girl that was Kind of messing around with a guy in a car To All right, now I guess I'm a mom Let's do this There was a moment where she was like That is how it goes I guess

You just accept Your circumstances She did have a moment of expectation You guys have kids But I just thought when Secundus puts his hand on your belly And 30 seconds later you pop out a baby There might be a slightly longer

She did try to throw it into a river at first She contemplated it She thought about it You've got, if you're her If you're not Terry Gar You've got to be trying to figure out What the fuck is happening Yeah

Is this baby gonna be A Secundus murder baby? The fact that she instantly Trusts and raises Tommy? Tommy? Thomas She not only raises Thomas But she kind of starts her own

Baby Boom Diane Keaton store She's running a granary She's doing wheatgrass shots She was ahead of her time Yeah, absolutely I like this mom Now I will say, I did I did cry during Thomas's early

Early years What you mean his early years He's only five years old in the mood Well no, but He's zero and then he's five But when You know, I don't know She knows she has something

She knows she's been inseminated against her will Sure And when I saw her holding That baby I cried I did Do you think that Is there any point in her Mind where she's like

This is immaculate conception Like this is like a holy child I mean I did, here's the Okay, obviously there are more than one problem With the movie, but what I didn't like What I didn't like Was the portrayal of a child With some sort of a disability

As potentially evil Or having that You know, disability Seen as the evil part Of him and being worried about it Well I think what's evil about him Not evil, it's not evil But is the fact that he knows

The anti-life equation What am I talking about What makes him evil Here's what it is He's not evil the way that Damien Is evil in the omen, right Because Damien is literally the antichrist Tommy happens to have

In his In his brain somewhere that he's not even aware of really A bit of knowledge That once Secundus gets it Secundus can be The evil duo But Secundus is Evaporating people

No problem without that Oh, he's blowing up Heads like crazy He's out here Like Gallagher style With a giant hammer Clobbering people's heads So what does he just want to do

Does he just want to make people pee their pants Because that seems to me The one thing that Tommy is able to do Be your pants Or throw them into it Did he flush that kid down the toilet Oh, that kid's dead What is the antilife equation

I mean, what's a co-mater I don't know I think a co-mater In their language and world Is just a child I don't know I do, I think if you're An alien like they are

And you have a child You just don't call them a child You call them a co-mater You call them a species A co-mater The root word mate In co-mater Co is like we mated together

Yeah And that is the child The co-mater Because he By the way Here's the thing that I also think is pretty interesting Be your pants Be your pants

I also think that there is I mean, I don't know much about Female biology, but I know a little bit But he also is able to make her Pregnant immediately Not based on any part of her cycle Or where she was You know, like she may

Do you think, Paul Do you think that should have been addressed In the movie Like he should have put his hand on her stomach And she's like nope, not my time right now Yeah, where are you How soon until your aunt Flo comes to visit

It would have been a fun little Fun sequence in running around Putting his hand on women's bellies Until he found the right You're ready, let's pop one in Guys, listen When you go home tonight and you are You know, getting busy

Just put your hand on your mate's tummy And be like, I just put a baby in you By the way Can I just play It's okay first Don't be a secondess Did we Did we get to the bottom

Of the equation and what it does Does anybody know what the antelife Equation is? Somebody in the front row does Of course this guy knows He's wearing a bow tie He's wearing a bow tie A sweater vest

I am I am Prone, I am prone to believe This man, so sir your name Ben, what is The antelife equation The antelife equation is A concept

That dark side from DC Comic books When he gains the antelife Equation he gains like dominion over Reality essentially But it's kind of wholesale stolen from The Jack Kirby DC Comics Oh, these guys

So it is, it's origin is In DC Comics lore Yeah, clearly, like even the answer box I'm on your side I'm on your side, I'm on Ben's side Ben I'm on Ben's side These fucking know-it-all Canadians

I swear to God This is why I said What shows in Canada No, that's a good urge So he would be able to Control the universe essentially Yeah, and I was going to mention That the answer boxes are ripped off on other boxes

But we don't need to get out of this I didn't get a single thing from that I'm so sorry I didn't The answer boxes are also I watch this By the way, I wanted to play This

When When she comes and tells I guess it's her parents that she's pregnant This is upsetting What I love about this scene is Not that she's pregnant, she already has the baby Right She gives birth in the woods

Right, and I guess what I thought was so interesting about this was that She Clearly, these people have seen her In the last nine months Her parents She goes from being what I believe is a teenager Hooking up in a car Is this a teen pregnancy allegory?

To be like, be careful If you make out in a car in the woods You'll have a baby by morning A Secundus will get it in you Here we go Where did you get that? The fact that they were They know her

Son, we want to help you But this This story It's so hard to believe I'm not asking you to believe me I'd stay up for some help Why won't you tell us who the father is? I uh

I know this sounds terrible But I honestly don't know Who the father is The only thing worse than protecting a delinquent father is Not knowing who the father is I have nothing to be ashamed of If you want me to leave this house Give me that baby

I will I want you to leave this house He wants her to Leave the house It's a damning thing By the way, this is what's hard about this movie Is she looks 30 to me There and I'm not saying that

Like I don't think of her as an 18 I also think that in the late 80s, early 90s Like all teenage girls looked 30 to 35 Like that was also the look Got it And then you cut She cuts ahead five years

Hard Five years later Jim Belushi Whoa That scene I loved that scene You love that scene This is a normal school

What? For normal children By the way, it seemed like There is no reason for that scene In the film whatsoever I thought it was I thought it was comic relief I thought he was being introduced

As a potential love Interest for her in that moment Because I'm like, it's Jim Belushi He's gonna be part of this movie JK, he is not That breaks up an interesting point Because I didn't think he was a love interest But there's also the

Cop, the local cop The new one And then there's Well, then there's a braxis, of course But then there's Max or Matt Who's home she goes to Who's wearing a giant poncho in the first Yes, he's got big beads

Yeah, he has big beads What is that guy's deal? I don't know, because he lives It seems in another town Further away And they're safe there because nobody would Think they would go there, but then the police are like I saw them together, so let's go there

I don't know who that guy was Alright, so Would it surprise either one of you That Marjorie Branfield, that's The actress who played Sonya Murray She was married to Jim Belushi Who's Sonya Murray?

That's her? I never caught her name So that's Sonya Murray, the mom Sonya Murray That she was married to Belushi At the time, not because of this No, but at the time And I have a feeling that they were like If he's here visiting

No, no, no, I think they were like Maybe we'll just put him in a scene We'll just shoot a scene with him real quick You noticed sort of like a long shot I was in Montreal and you were there And then they said, you know what? Come and do a piece of the movie Yeah, so that was the same idea

So wait, if I had been in Montreal Are a lot of acting jobs proximity based? Listen, from what I understand If I had been in Montreal Would I have been in long shot? It's very possible Honestly, yeah, I mean the local hire It really helps

They don't have to pay to fly you They don't have to pay to put you up, you're just simply there Yeah, you're just there, just pop on in But it feels like Belushi's in a different movie Because he's making jokes He's doing a lot of stuff, I feel like they were like We got Belushi, let's let him loose You gotta cut him loose

You gotta cut Belushi Unloose Belushi Because it is bizarre that he's in this movie Agree He just says that he screams at kids To provoke a reaction from them What a strange, that was a crazy beat And then she's like

Why don't we just talk to the kids and he's like Whoa, wow I thought it was hilarious But it's hilarious And this movie goes for some hard Jokes, but it seems so out of place Like when he says it is When his answer box has VD

Yes My box has VD Alright There's something a lot of people in Canada say There's such an obsession With, what's her name again, Sonia Sonia Murray Sonia being a single parent

And so many people are disturbed by it Disturbed by the dad not being there Disturbed that she's raising this son Who doesn't speak without a father And yet no one seems to offer To help her at all People just register Their shock

Except her, is her friend Who also has a son Also a single mom in this tiny town Oh that's interesting What a lovely rapport But even a braxis When he stands there Even a braxis

When he stands there in the woods in the opening I know he chooses to not kill her And that's great But Why does he choose not to kill her Because he can't I think because he's different He has that whole speech to

Tommy in the car About how he understands being different How he understands being not like the rest Because my birthday is on Tuesday Yeah I'm gonna be 11,000 years old I do think he is an alien Of course

But he's a different kind of alien With a little bit of heart Now I did take issue though With the fact that he left a woman In the snow to give birth Like hanging onto a tree Hey, he left her alive Here's the thing about this movie

This is a movie That has Shockingly No exposition scenes No scenes of data dumps No scenes where somebody tells you All of the Information you need to know

Really Very rarely do you get like Info dumps You get info dumps but in the wrong way You get info dumps about like Things like where they go Like this, it's like You get stuff like this

Travel warps are like wormholes Connecting different parts of the universe Kind of like a galactic subway system They're a natural phenomenon That we've learned to use Sometimes successfully Sometimes not Like

Like they spend 30 seconds talking about time warps Like tell me a little bit About comatres, buddy Tell me why Tell me what their job Like their police of what Finders

What's that mean? I understand the terminator and why There's a lot of plastic police That are solving problems But these finders One has gone rogue One has gone rogue that used to be partners And that's Secundus

Andi Secundus Andi Secundus, friend of ours I wasn't going to say that That's a tired joke Every time I heard it I was like, no, Andy You don't even know him, you assholes It's our own friend

But Tweet at him He'll be so confused But no, it was like They do weird exposition drops Where they explain vaulting Time warps Answer boxes

Sort of, but all of it I didn't know what vaulting really was It's all in service of I don't know what Because I didn't understand the plot Why does Secundus Get so pregnant so that he can get the Antilife equation, which again

I didn't know what that meant Really until this guy And even still I'm not quite sure What his plan is such that They needed to keep sending A braxis to intercede You know, that's it Well

I mean Basically The co-maider is fine If Secundus Doesn't go after him And if Secundus spent his time in jail Like a regular person He

And it didn't escape It would have been no problem Right, that would have been And so he had to come back in to finish what he started A braxis Five years later That's all I got I mean

I wasn't quite clear on what happened Between them originally Well that they had fallen Same, same, I didn't know What caused it? The two men in the dark room were talking about that a lot They were partners for thousands of years I assume

Every ten thousand years you get vaulted Or I don't know Thousand years you get vaulted What is happening when you get vaulted? I thought it was like a mind erase But he seems to remember everything It seemed to me like when they put The Winter Soldier in

When they have to reboot The Winter Soldier's brain so that he's loyal again Yeah, because he's getting too much Like free will And they have to repeat the series of prompts In order to like Ben, am I right? I know

It's Marvel, not DC But I was like, oh are they trying to Like bring him as part of Their thing like this kind of They keep them in this state of Like post-hypnotic Kind of suggestion almost where they keep them

In like a place where they don't have Free will Oh and maybe Secundus Has broken through that But I think, yeah Braxis did too Well Braxis I just think Once he got that sweet kiss

He kind of was like, oh wait a second And the answer box is just Straight savage Like from his wrist Like he gets a kiss and the thing The answer box is like Oh shit bro you just got a Boner

I'm reading physical symptoms That say blood is rushing To your dong bro Oh what do you like Her? They're hitting the thing on his wrist Is straight shading him the whole Time, he's like

In it So did I also I have to say that I was A little bit worried That Sonya Murray Would kiss him like that Because I didn't find

Worried? I just didn't find that much of An emotional connection there Like here's this woman Sonya Murray Who's running a granary Making her wheatgrass shots Caring for a five year old boy and then this man Who talks like this Never says like

That's the guy that she's going to connect to Wow he's protecting her child And is the only person That she knows except for The child's father who is intent On murdering them both Who is from the same background As her child I guess

There is some it might be some I don't know I mean by the way she knows how This child came to be She knows something very strange happened Which is what she says to him Which is what she says to him when he shows up again Right and she also knows that

He didn't kill her when he could have Which I know is a low bar to set for a man He didn't kill me second date But He didn't How was your date You know what He didn't try and kill me

He did put his hand on my tummy I did have a baby five minutes later But He let me live I really like him Maybe she was just Tornie for him in that bed Big man in a little bed

Again I honestly Big man in a little bed My big t-shirt Big man in a little bed I don't think she's ever had sex I think she's a virgin She definitely is Yeah

Yeah Which doesn't mean she's a virgin necessarily You don't think she's had sex in the five intervening years I don't think so because She is full Again the people in her town With the exception of that new police officer Who does not believe

In like peaceful policing First of all She has an oozy Where did he get that oozy from Where But I don't know who she's Who is she having sex with in that town

Whoever she wants I don't know I would like to feel that Sonia Murray Even as a single mother Raising a half human half alien child That like That was like a chest Burster from her body

I think she's like Probably going on some dates I'd like to believe that she's like getting it I think she's going on dates as we saw in the movie With her child Romantically No No but they went out to the movies together

I'll watch it again I think she's Making ends meet I think she's trying to survive out there As a one income household I don't think she's I don't think she's on dates Listen, I hope she is

She's on hinge Would it surprise you to find out she's on hinge What is hinge? It's one of the dating app I haven't even heard about hinge We don't need to go on dating apps Yeah Uh oh

Shared calendars mother fucker That's what we got Why would you ask for that high five To go back to that kiss though I do think that was the kiss Because she didn't kiss him on the lips at first It was just like a little side cheek kiss Yeah

It was a very virginal kiss I'm happy they found each other But here's the thing That sheriff, that deputy He was positioned In the beginning as being a very sweet Kind of Don Nazi and kind of like

Local sheriff And then he progressively gets more and more insane Yeah I was kind of on his side when he saw that That one dilapidated Tractor outside that looked like it was burnt out I thought that was from Secundas He's like, hey, whose truck is this

This is a gum, this is a This is bad And then the guy's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's That's Jeb's truck, don't get in Jeb's Like, well no, but that's not a good thing He shouldn't have that in town, I thought he was on the side of the cop Well, I think it ultimately comes down To your ideology on like policing

And what Do we believe that police should be Looking for trouble or assuming positive intent And do we believe in community policing Or are we I mean, listen I'm on the side Of the other police officer

Ultimately, who Letter of the law versus Peaceful policing Oh, okay, I forgot what he said Spirit of the law Spirit of the law versus buddy And I do think, yes, you want your police officers To be ready should something happen

And this, they did not seem To be ready for this Well, they said He basically says To the new guy, the sheriff Says to the young new guy, hey You're not in the big city anymore, this is the little town Nothing happens here

And on their watch I'm gonna say A dozen townspeople Are killed in a town Whose population is Max 300 Like a tenth of the population Of this town is eradicated

On their watch, they're bad police Oh, I mean, they're bad at it But there's also some weird things Going on with the population because Once the Cundis goes to that one computer place To look up town hall Town hall, yeah Kills everybody inside

Town hall, it's so busy People were at town hall because Something was happening with the power sources Right, Ben? I thought people were running there Because their power sources That one woman came in and was like Hey, they first pan across

There's like three dead bodies They find him like clickety clacking And then the woman that comes in is like Hey, my power is not on Non-phased by the dead bodies Hey man, where's my power? You should go to You should go to town hall for that

You should go to like your local power supplier I think it all happens at town hall there Maybe so When they walk out of town hall Like they have to fight that spills out Out front There are so many townspeople Right there

There's too many people there Town hall is so busy that day I also just like The use of music in this movie Is so consistently bad So much If you're watching with Close captions

The descriptions of the jazz The descriptions of the Melancholy jazz Like it's very specific But it is so melancholy During that first fight scene between the two of them It's so sad And the beginning

The theme song is awesome The theme song at the beginning is great It feels like a John Carpenter soundtrack Or something like Synthy Of that era The rest of the movie is like They're just dropping in library jazz Dracks that are like

Over fight scenes There's a jazzy score Over a fucking fight scene Imagine like watching the Terminator Like Do do do Do do do I like that that's jazz

Yeah I just saw I wrote something down that made me laugh very hard Camping in fall is better because Of phone reception Do you have my fax number? The guy who's out Camping in the middle of the woods on a phone call

Talking about how reception is better In the fall It was the early 90s I don't think that's true But this guy This lawyer was a little bit off He even said like What's your driving record

When they tried to steal his car My insurance is going to be affected Like your kid is there Give the guy your car Don't be a hero And then he throws his keys into the fire To son get them I was for sure

Waiting for a Raiders in the Lost Ark moment Where he grabbed the keys And we burned his hand But no Both of these men And I don't mean this in any way That's derogatory Their bodies are so

Like they're thick Like you know like It doesn't feel like Yes It just doesn't feel like they can move At any rate And so you're just Always watching them

Grapple, lumber Like Slow kick Like they can't even get a kick The kick would have to be like Like hold on Let me hold on to this tree Why

This stuff surprised me because Steve and Chura was Capable Of Doing fights Live wrestling fights You have to be able to do it in the ring Because there's no editing

There's no editing You're actually doing it So I was surprised that he was so incapable Of selling any of this stuff They had to slow every fight scene down It was all shot like Crazily The fight scenes were

And they were scored to weird Jets This movie is Nuts Let's look into this one moment of the Music video I'll just say one thing too When they're heading through the woods

Which time? This movie is Two thirds set in the woods Yes I wouldn't forget because The sequences for I felt like hours Of just cutting back and forth between the two of them

Walking through the woods I think they just shot stuff in the woods And put it wherever they needed it Because truly every time I looked up I was like Oh are they chasing each other Or are two grown men just lost in the woods Like he looked so Have they gotten some sort of like frostbite

Have they lost their mind Are they hungry They were so slow In the woods I've got so many questions The scene with the little kid Is in bed with a shirtless Jesse Ventura I knew that

Was Pretty wild It was such a choice like It was so not necessary We can play a little bit of that scene Hello You're not tight Do you want to sit up here with me

I mean What It's about Two men In apartments Policemen No I'd say more like this

That music should not be accompanying this scene This is This is a romantic Soundtrack I don't like it Don't like it That's a person who tries to Solve things peacefully

That's a very hard thing to do But one of the men Began to go unhappy He was seeing so much Paul can you pause for a second Hey Jesse We're going to take it again Just say the words slower

Jesse here's the thing The movie needs to be an hour and 30 minutes To be released Right now we're coming in an hour and 25 They only got an hour and 26 That's all they got By the way when he does get his clothes They go oh get him some of the workmen's clothes

In the back and it's like an overcoat Like a trench coat It's a trench coat Over like sweats And that's the best part He gets out of the camper He's like can I have some Earth clothes or whatever

Brother and then he's like They get out of the thing and he's like Okay it takes off running And he runs So He runs away from them So badly like Holy shit nobody can move

Everybody can't move in the movie really This movie is after Terminator We talked about before This movie was originally offered to Schwarzenegger He said no He opted to do Terminator 2 So it's going to be the body in Schwarzenegger back to back

But if this movie is ripping off Terminator 1 Why don't they ever outfit Him anything cool it's like the reverse version Of it's like a Terminator He gets into a cool He puts on like a leather jacket And this one he'll put on an overcoat and a sweatshirt Like you know it's like

Every choice is like Terminator's like Los Angeles The city, people This is small town Minnesota brother The woods Most of it's the woods And for no reason at all A strip club

We don't need To go there We don't find anything there We just go in We see legs And nothing else But I did think there was an Interesting moment like why

Didn't he seem to have a The way they cut that moment between him And the stripper It was extremely intense And he did spare her Like all good men do You think that It would almost seem as though

The mislead would be She works at the strip club and he would go And you think it's her and he's gonna get her But in fact oh it's someone else And he doesn't but he goes there just To go there He's looking for her He likes exotic dancers

Doing their fertility rights dances And eating everything On the breakfast menu at the diner Again Here's your bill He spends A lot of time Just hanging out in town

Really he goes to the strip club He goes to the diner He's just enjoying the sights and sounds He's like on a Leaf peeper long weekend Enjoying the sights I did laugh when he ate the check I did

Of course some of the jokes work Hey we're gonna have a free range turkey I know I paid for it Classic Nailed it Didn't even really make sense But I just like I like that someone tried To make a joke

Let's go to the crowd See what you guys have to say about this movie I'm gonna come out here to you guys Just say your name and your best Jesse Not even sure So you know if your name is Jill you'd say Jill Alright

So yeah how about you Come over here Your name and your question Shane So my question is They complained that Braxas didn't kill the kid for five years Why didn't they send another finder

To just murder the kid That's a great question I like that I mean I don't know how many Finders are out there Well it seems like the two guys in the dark room Kind of like the Braxas And kind of felt like you know what

Hey look we don't want to Let's cut a Braxas some slacks That's a shirt By the way and it's just a pair of slacks I really want to get that Braxas slacks Corporation Your name and your question

Trevor So In the movie it's always snowing There's always people saying Merry Christmas There's a virgin who gives birth Is this a Christmas movie? That's a great question

Yes Alright your name and your question Courtney Great That's your Jesse Ventura voice Courtney Do you think the producers approached Pepsi

Pepsi approached the producer Well he also breaks all the Pepsi bottles I was like oh is this a Pro Coke movie? Oh these three people are so excited To talk about Pepsi and Coke Do you have insider info? Hold on

Go ahead you talk Alright I'm going to come down Wait for the mic Hold on don't touch the mic Don't touch it though Don't let go of the mic Don't just pass it down there Why don't you just

Stand up and yell Your information Oh wait not you Her She was gesticulating Wait Don't yell it Everyone's gotten up to clear a path for you

Sorry Paul that's my fault Paul that's my fault I said to yell it We're doing the best we can Alright here we go Can we turn this light down just a little bit Oh really I was going to say can we turn it up Because it's not hot enough

Holy cow that light Alright your name, your question Izzy Great At the end they think Coca-Cola Wait in the credits So that's that is it's anti-pepsi Because they break all the Pepsi bottles

Wow Well done That was worth it But so wait are you saying that Coca-Cola Paid them to do that Coke the product placement In the movie for Coke Was to trash Pepsi

Much respect Much respect You know what don't even put Your movies trash Don't put our product in it But we will pay you To break our competitors product That's it

That's it right there Alright Coke man These fiends are smart Alright You feel let down that I walk by Alright let's see Huge mistake But he didn't need it

Let him be disappointed But he didn't go crazy like other people do Let's see if it's worth it Adrian My question is How do you hack this birth control work In this planet when you can just like Touch a woman and get her pregnant

Okay so how does How does birth control work On this planet earth If you can just touch a woman If you can touch a woman and she becomes pregnant Birth control on earth I can't believe this is a grown man Adrian

I'm about to blow Your man Are you here with Adrian Are you Adrian's girlfriend He touched her arm so that says yes I am so sorry But I'm about to do you the biggest favor Here's how birth control works

Adrian Do you not know This is wild Do you know the movie takes place on this planet Secundus touches her And gets her pregnant I suspect even if she was on the pill She still would have gotten pregnant

Oh your girlfriend is so mad at you Adrian You are getting dumped To tonight Now that's An Easter egg Now obviously we had opinions But there are people out there with a different opinion

It is now time for second opinions Do you come right here I want your five star review Though most of us Thought that this movie was poo Write your review Amazon Write your review

For the listeners at home We are covered in meat And now it's time For second Opinions 5 stars on Amazon Now I'm logging on 5 stars on Amazon

Wow Vancouver! Well done! I mean that was impressive! Those were all great, Vancouver. You guys are killing it. Now, Vancouver, you did such a great job singing those songs. Unfortunately, the second opinions on this movie are few and far between. Nick Kiley, who does all of our research, said to me, I'm sorry. I couldn't find anything.

But these are what he did find. There are 31% of all the reviews are five stars. And this one's from Matthew D. Groves, and he reviewed this in 2016. And Matthew D. Groves wrote, the finest thing to come out of Minnesota since fats. Minnesota fats. And then Penny Greenwich. And this is, most of the reviews have this vein to them. So bad, The Guardian is good, that's the title.

And she writes, plot clarity, acting so perfectly awful, you'll want to see it again to savor the nonsense. I like it in all of its goofiness. The movie bumbles along, but never drags. Five stars. I disagree with that. I have an update, it drags. Penny Greenwich, it drags. Yeah, it's an hour and 26 minutes, and it's hard. It's a long one. And then this one is, I mean, look, it's a joke, but I'll read it. It goes, after seeing, this is written by John Moore, after seeing this movie, I had a strange craving for Pepsi Cola.

Seeing as the only store in the whole movie sold only Pepsi and Pepsi related paraphernalia. I rate this movie, I give it three some, sorry. If all right, so let me go back and say this. I don't even know what to read in this one. All right, how about this? I'll say this. This one's from John Moore, and he goes, I recommend this movie to everyone on earth. In fact, the Bible is no longer needed now that man has a braxis guardian of the universe. Five stars.

I mean, it is a similar tale of Immaculate Conception, the chosen one. I mean, there it is. This movie came out in 1991. That is still shocking to me. But when was it made? 1991. So it came out the same year? Well, here, I'll tell you the movies that it came out with, and then it will blow your mind even more. Terminator 2.

Crazy. Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. What? Home Alone. So this is like a game. The first Home Alone? Audible gas. Yeah.

That's shocking. This movie looks like a shitty TV show. This, like, episodes of The Incredible Hulk from the 70s look better than this. This is like, yeah. There's no budget information. There's no gross. Oh, it's gross. It was...

It was... It's late. It was written and directed by Damien Lee, who, these are his other films. Hot Teenage Assets. Ski School. Ooh, I've seen Ski School. Street Law. Terminal Rush.

Moving Target. Interaction and Paper Trail. Consider yourself watched tonight movie. I guess if Canadian Amazon Prime works. So as we wrap it up here tonight, Jason, June, would you recommend this movie? Jason, I'll let you go first. Yeah, no. I mean, but yeah, sort of.

You know, if you're... It's always the thing... It's the end of the episode, so it doesn't matter because I would say... I would say get a feel for it. Watch it to listen to the episode, which doesn't make sense, because we're at the end of the episode. But it's fun, but it's too long. It's plotting.

The fight scenes are not fun, but there is some really nuts stuff to watch, which I enjoy. That's all. So I would watch, but fast, I would fast forward. I would fast forward. I fast forwarded through the fight scenes a bunch, because they were boring. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know why you would watch this movie in this world. I don't know why. I don't know why you would. I'm just gonna say it's shocking how similar this film is to Terminator 2. Like, you have two Terminators chasing each other. They don't seemingly have any special powers besides blowing people's heads up if they don't have information in their brain. The poster, which we've been displaying behind us the entire time, has Jesse the body's face on it with a laser coming out of his eye.

He does not have that in the movie. Yeah. It's odd, but it just makes me appreciate how good Terminator 2 is. And Terminator 1. Terminator 1 looks so much better than this movie, and it's years prior. So you should watch this movie if you just want to appreciate other movies. Yeah. Bye-bye.

But I even think it just shows you how good James Cameron is because they simply tried to crib this movie. I mean, I feel like someone told them the plot points over a fax or a phone and they just wrote it down very quickly. And this is what they got. They weren't able to capture any of the great stuff in it. I mean, look, Sonya Murray, she's no Linda Hamilton. But who's the little kid? What's his name?

Tommy. I mean, he's no Eddie Furlong, I mean, right? I liked him. You liked Tommy? I thought he was cute. But I mean, you're right in that he's, it's what an impossible role to be a child and have no light. I actually think that was a great use of a child actor.

Well, with that, we will wrap up the show. Thank you, Vancouver. Give it up to Devon, our engineer who travels across country with us and back there recording the show. Thank you to everybody here in this beautiful, beautiful theater. We had a great time. And now we will pose for a picture. So we'll do that.

And also, thank you, Vancouver. Thank you. Thank you, Vancouver. And that's actually a very special episode because that was the last live audience show that we did before the pandemic started. Literally, the pandemic shut everything down about a week after we did that show. It was the last place that I visited in pretty much the last year and a half, which is wild to think of.

Vancouver, you will always hold a special place in my heart, just like the ponytail on the back of Jesse Ventura's head. And if you want to get your very own Abraxas shirt, you can do it in the Tee Public Store. Check it out. And let's keep this discussion going. You can do that on Discord. I have my own Discord, which is more general chat, fun, whatever goes Discord.

And there's a how to just get made Discord, which is just specifically how to just get made. And the moderators on both are fantastic. So check us out at Discord.gg slash HDTGM or Discord.gg slash Paul Shear. And by the way, if you like live streaming stuff, Rob, people and I are doing shows every Thursday on Twitch. We also have cooking shows and music shows. Just head on over to Friendzone on Twitch.

You don't need a Twitch account. It's just like YouTube. You'll love it. We do a bunch of great shows there. Thank you to everyone who makes this show possible. Devin, our engineer, our lead senior engineer, our super producer, Cody Fisher, who makes this entire process so smooth, so easy, so fun.

July Diaz, who's listening, making sure this thing goes off without a hitch. Of course, I want to thank our big movie picking producer, which I think needs a better title, but Averill Halley for finding Abraxas and leading us all to this amazing, amazing film. Our head researcher, Nick Kiley. Of course, Kyle Waldron and the ghost of Craig T. Nelson

for all of our amazing art that you see on our Instagram and Twitter pages and Facebook pages. And last but not least, Molly Reynolds. Molly Reynolds, ah, MVP. MVP of the show coming in, figuring out what she needs to do at any given point. All right, we'll see you next week. Bye for now.