How Did This Get Made? - Matinee Monday: Howard the Duck LIVE! (w/ Kristen Schaal)

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

Kristen Schaal (Bob's Burgers) joins Paul, June, & Jason to discuss the first ever Marvel movie, 1985's Howard the Duck starring Lea Thompson. They ask burning questions about duck boobies, duck genitalia, duck evolution, and Lea Thompson's strange relationship with Howard. And you better BILLieve there'll be plenty o' duck puns! (Originally Released 06/25/2013) HDTGM will be in Boston on June 16th & Nantucket on June 20th! Go to hdtgm.com for ticket info, merch, and more.Order Paul’s book about his childhood, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, wherever books are soldFor extra Matinee Monday content, visit Paul's YouTube page: youtube.com/paulscheerHDTGM Discord: discord.gg/hdtgmPaul’s Discord: discord.gg/paulscheerFollow Paul on Letterboxd: letterboxd.com/paulscheer/Check out Paul and Rob Huebel live on Twitch (www.twitch.tv/friendzone) every Thursday 8-10pm ESTSubscribe to Unspooled with Paul and Amy Nicholson here: listen.earwolf.com/unspooledSubscribe to The Deep Dive with Jessica St. Clair and June Diane Raphael here: www.thedeepdiveacademy.com/podcastCheck out The Jane Club over at www.janeclub.comCheck out new HDTGM merch over at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/hdtgmWhere to find Jason, June & Paul:@PaulScheer on Instagram & Twitter@Junediane on IG and @MsJuneDiane on TwitterJason is not on Twitter

It's the classic story of girl meets a duck from another planet, and they fall in love, save the world, and stop an interdimensional demon. We saw Howard the Duck, so you know what that means! Anyone that has this campaign Let's roll in the mediocrity of subcorp art Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question How did this get made? Hello, people of Earth! And hello, people of Largo! So, How'd This Get Made? Live, we are doing it here in Largo.

This is our live LA home. So please welcome my two co-hosts, Jason Manzoukas. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! June Diane Rayfield. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

All right. And our very special guest tonight, Kristen Schaal! Wow, wow, wow. Relax. Very excited audience. Well this, guys, Howard the Duck. What? I mean, all I know is this. I was not allowed to see this movie as a child

because my parents thought it was too adult because there were some duck boobies in it. Sure, right off the bat. I feel like that must have created a lot of really fucked up fetishes for kids. Oh my gosh. If you, you know, you can't see this at home, but I'll put it online.

These are the duck boobies I'm referring to. Oh. Yeah. I will say this though, that is a very bad duck titty job. Like those are, there's no way those are real. No way. I enjoy-

And here's what's weird thinking back to this. Later on we learn that like ducks are in the process of evolving to humans, right? No, not evolve, they've already evolved. No, they're evolved, oh wait a second, hang on. You want it? Yeah. Wait, you think that ducks are gonna become human beings?

Hey, are you? Back. No, the ducks... No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Do you think that this is a stop in the evolution that is eventually gonna lead towards humans? Well, yeah. It goes from duck to gorilla to us. Well, didn't Tim Robbins say that we came from, we came from apes? Right, and they came from ducks.

But they're advanced ducks. But eventually they'll look like us? No! No, they're on their own planet. And that, there's no humans on that planet. Wait, wait, when? How long do you think until that turns into us? I don't know.

Because they already have everything. They still look like ducks, I know that. But they are at the same evolutionary step that we are. Right? They're just ducks. Like, like, like, as I was saying, they have, they have evolved, like we have evolved. They are just human ducks now.

So, so, so evolution, oh my God. Like, we're off to, like, immediately. Down the rabbit hole of insanity, I love this. Well, that's the thing is that there's another planet that could be advanced. Ducks, get it? Right. But it's another planet.

But here's where I'm confused. But fine, but when I look at her, I see human breasts. No, no you don't. You don't. I assure you, you don't. You see duck breasts. Then you see some sweet, sweet duck titties. I guess what they're hypothesizing is as they became upright, their boobs came in.

I don't know. You are right. The human boobs are tricky. Yeah, that's what he was saying. And later on they... Well, Tim Robbins says, like, the evolutionary chart is basically from duck to, you know, upright duck with arms, not wings, you know, like, crow, magnum, duck, blah, blah, blah.

They have all the evolutionary steps. My question is when will they be us? That's it. I think June is hung up because the ducks' beautiful breasts do resemble our beautiful breasts, but the thing about breasts is they're so gorgeous, but they are the highest level of evolution for all life forms.

So. So. So. So. So. Because I, I, I, and I will. Things only evolve to get them titties. I will, I will say to June's point that, you know,

we've evolved from apes and apes have a chest that is similar to breasts. Yes. And that's where your confusion is. Yes, yes. But that's why I have my theory. Which I agree with. Perfect. I think they just want to-

This is not the point that we should be arguing about this film. No, no. We should have to just accept that there are human ducks on another planet. That art, but the craziest thing is on their planet, ducks have evolved into the primary life form, like the primary sentient life form,

and have like direct analogs to everything we have. No, but this is what drove me nuts, cause I hate this. It's like he has a poster from My Little Chickadee, which is like, and it's like starring Maynest and WC- Foul. Foul. We don't, we aren't like that.

It's not like Mayhuman and WC Person. No, this movie is a vehicle for Duck Punt. Like that's all it is. Like, oh, Willie Waddle is here. And if Howard's last name is Duck, they're all... Wait, but is it? Yes, because he has male... Don't yell at me.

Hey, hey, shut it. Whoa. He is Howard T. Duck. T. Duck. That's it. You're right, you're right. So it's everybody's last name, Duck. That is a tricky one. That... You could,'re right. You're right. You're right. Okay. So it's everybody's last name, Duck. That is a tricky one. That you could, I guess you could presume that.

Well, if I could get my hands on a phone book. I know. I'll let you know. I know for sure there is somebody named Willie Waddle and, uh, and Maynest and W.C. Fowl. True. Oh, that's true. So we know that. Yeah. So I guess not everyone.

Why does he get such supremacy? Like his name gets to be like the entirety of his species or whatever. Well, maybe his name is like white, like the name white here or... Is this a race thing now? Could be. Notice we didn't see any black ducks?

That's a good point. I didn't see any black ducks? That's a good point. Did anybody else notice that? Just a planet of white ducks? He flew through the apartment building and there were no black ducks. Actually, I think when he was watching TV at one point, there was a black duck. There was?

Yeah. You fucking weirdos. You fucking weirdos. Yes, there are a lot of duck puns. They shop at Blooming Duck. He's a master of quack food. But then, fast forward, but then when he gets to planet Earth, he doesn't know what pizza is. That is weird.

Well, this is a huge, there are huge inconsistencies because sometimes people see him and are terrified as if a monster is in their presence. And sometimes people see him and are like, what are you in such a rush for, pal? Which is, as far as I can tell, inexplicable. Other times people make such a leap, they go, oh, you're a child and you're in a Halloween costume.

I'm cool with this. Yes. What? How did he jump that many steps? Every one of them has to say, what a good costume it is. It's really amazing. I don't know if this movie was made for children

or adults. It feels like a very... Um, look at... This movie was not made for children. There is a boozy, birdie housewife, like having a glass of Chardonnay with her tits hanging out, diddling herself in the bath.

Like, guess what this isn't for? Yeah, that's... Forth graders. Guess what it is for? My spank bank. That's what's so weird too, because the humor is so bad. I mean, this was scary.

When I watched this, I was nine years old, and I thought this was the best movie I'd ever seen in my life. And now I'm like, did I just have reverse flowers for Aldrin on or what? Not to say I'm a genius, but I'm a lot smarter than this movie. And that's what's weird too is when Leah Thompson

starts to like seduce him, I just love the direction. It's like, cause she must've thought she was in a children's movie. You know, it's been so confused. It's like now you're gonna like hang your tits in front of Howard and she's like, but this is a children's movie, you know, I've been so confused. It's like now you're going to like hang your tits in front of in front of Howard. And she's like, but this is a children's movie, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Now put your tits in front of Howard. You know, like she crawls around in underwear and a bra. Good. She looks good. Good. Good. She is hot, man. She is in top form. She is. Well, I mean, basically, just even Howard meets

the very hot Leah Thompson in the middle of a rape attack, right? Yep, apparently. Walking home? I love movie representations of punks. You know? They've got like crazy colors and wild hair, and they're like, ooh, we're gonna rape you now.

Yeah. Well, this is also during that time, too, where you're like, are these supposed to be teenagers that are just played by 40 year olds or did teenagers look like 40 year olds back then? Like it's very strange. Yeah, teenagers did look like 40 year olds back then and teenagers now look like 11 year olds.

And there was one weird moment too where one of the punks said, oh you're all high on toot. Yeah. Right? It was toot., you're all high on toot. Yeah. Right? Yep. It was toot. And you're a real snot nose.

Yeah, they wouldn't cuss too. And then there was also the Satan sluts, which is totally redundant. Yeah. And it's also, they're also kind of hair medley a little bit. There's a lot of like almost punk in here. It's like, they, or there's like punk is a thing, but the music is like of like, almost punk in here. It's like, they, or they're like, punk is a thing.

But the music is like, hey, we're playing music on our guitar, hey, we like it. I thought for a little bit, I was like, is this either a sequel or a prequel to some kind of wonderful? Because I didn't know, did she break apart from that band and now she's living in Cleveland? Wait, she didn't play in the band, that was a... That's Mary Stuart Masterson.

Oh, is she not in that movie? No, she is. No, she is. But she's not the drummer. She's the wonderful, she's the some kind of wonderful. I got it. Or is it Mary, you know? Wow.

It's obviously Mary. Well, I mean, I think John Hughes would tell you that he did that movie in an effort to right the wrong he felt he made in making her not choose Ducky in Pretty and Pink and so he made some kind of wonderful so that the they would choose the right person and then Leah Thompson ended up marrying the director of some kind of wonderful holy shit holy lot true love wins this is for you, bride. True love wins. And now Leah Thompson often sits in the bath with a martini glass and diddles herself.

Just like this duck. What's so weird about the movie though is that the relationship between Leah and Howard, it does seem like she wants to have sex with him. Yeah, should we play the seduction scene? Yes, yes. Let's get right to it. But, Paul, when we're done with it, could that remain the image that stays? Could duck titties be the image that is there

for the rest of the show? Yeah, of course, of course. Guys, this is already for like a porno still. Like, if I saw that thumbnail on a page, I'd click on it. Yeah. Yeah. Um. Also, Lea Thompson, like after I watched it,

I was like, oh, how did she get involved with this? Did she have a contract? She auditioned. Oh. Yeah. Oh, there are many people who auditioned. Tori Amos was supposed to be this part. Tori Amos. Was supposed to? Well, she auditioned for iti Amos was supposed to be this part. Tori Amos.

No. Was supposed to? Well, she auditioned for it. That's amazing. Yes, I would like to see how her detucks Tori Amos. Amazing. So this is a longer clip than we normally play, but I feel like this scene would have been

more erotic with Tori Amos. All right, here we go. She breastfed a pig. You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, Doccy? Like they say, doll, love's strange. We could always give it a try. Hmm.

Okay. Let's go for it, Mr. Pacho. This is happening. What do you mean? Okay. It it was joke. Listen, I'm pretty tired. It's just that you're so incredibly soft and cuddly. Beth, let's be realistic. I mean, my apartment's zillions of miles from here. You're three feet taller than I am. Oh, oh, oh, see.

I just can't resist your intense animal magnetism. Oh, feather boner. Whoops. Anyway, where will it all lead? Marriage, kids, a house in the suburbs? Let's just face it, it's fate. What? No, it's not. I've got a headache. And and I got the aspirin. Be gentle.

Just one good night kiss, sweet ducky. Come on, Howard, I was just kidding. What? Just know you weren't kidding. Come on, Howard. Come on, Howard, just kidding. Nope. You are not kidding.

You are wet for foul. Well, yeah. There's so many questions. It's like, what is she doing? I don't know, but also what's happening to him? Oh, okay, so that's, I read some trivia on those duck feathers on top when they came up. I guess it took like two months to figure out.

You know that. Yes. Yeah. But why is he freaking out about this? Sorry, we shared a moment. We shared a moment. We know that. So the duck costumes, which are really, actually, I think they're really impressive.

In fact, the whole art of this movie in my opinion is Very good like it looks gorgeous So look the colors the lighting and and duck Howard the duck looks great But they had to like improve his costume over time so getting those feathers to rise it just took like Weeks and weeks of hard labor to get it right which seems seems like the easiest thing, like you just attach some string and blow and blow it. This is like a fishing wire, okay? I mean, give me a job, George Lucas, god damn it. Oh, can we show the beginning of this movie?

Speaking of George Lucas, so George Lucas just did Return of the Jedi two years prior, okay? This movie came out in 1986. And George Lucas decides, you know what, I want to change it up. I want to show that I can do something else. I can break out of the genre.

By the way, so flawless George Lucas impression. Like flawless. I know, I know. And so if you look, this is the first thing you see of George Lucas trying something new. Can I show you the screenshot? I just have the screenshot. Okay, yeah, so this is, there it is.

That's it. Fucking, two moons from Tatooine. Like you can't even like, for a second. When I saw these two moons over the city, I was like. It's like we get it. Is Luke looking at the Howard the Duck planet? That's... That's...

That's... That's... That's... That's... And Howard the Duck is looking at the... It's a way to tie them all together in a Chris Nolan kind of all my movies are one. Yep.

That crossover event. But that like, like what... The Ewoks might as well be Howard the Ducks. Like it might as well be a planet of Howard the Duckses. Well, guys, I also wanted to say that we should just, here, take a moment and say, this is the first ever Marvel movie. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Howard the Duck is a Marvel comics character. Yes, the first ever Marvel movie is Howard the Duck. Yeah. And in the comic, he's a very foul-mouthed, you know, like... Foul-mouthed? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Uh-oh. It's catching on. Oh, shit. It's catching on. Oh, shit. That's just the kind of comedy we're doing on How Did This Get Made. We got a lot more duck puns.

There, I mean, there's so much weird trivia with this movie. Basically, it was supposed to be, it was supposed to be animated, but due to a contractual obligation that George Lucas had with the studio, he needed to make a live action movie. So he's like, oh yeah, fuck it, we'll make a live action. And he was kind of bankrupt at the time.

And so he was like, ah, well this is gonna make me millions. And clearly it didn't. And so he went more into bankruptcy, at which point he sold part of the Lucasfilm ILM to Steve Jobs and that became Pixar. So Howard the Duck essentially created Pixar. Thank God. Wow.

How did this come in? How did this come in? Here's my question about the love scene. Yeah. What, I don't understand why, is he freaking out because he doesn't have a penis? He has a penis! Okay, so I got another guy, yeah. So I, yeah, bring it up. Okay, wait a minute.

Okay, wait a minute. I know, because duck penis is coming in and hook ya. Why? Because Doug's penis is coming in and hook ya. Yeah. Because Doug's penis is coming in and hook ya. We know he has a penis. How do we know?

That's half. That's half. Because in his wallet is a loose condom. Unwrapped. It is unwrapped. Unwrapped, okay. Just a loosey. How?

Because sometimes you're like, I gotta get inside this bitch, but I don't know if I wanna open it up. But to me, like how dry is that condom? Unless ducks don't need lube. Covered in lint and it's like next to money. It's got like pen marks on it. That or he used that condom,

it's like, ah, no trash. Oh, I don't. Put it in my billfold. I don't have a whole, like a wrapper for my condom. I'll just put it between two dollar bills. Those are sanitary, right? Man, and if you watch this scene all the way through, she's like snooping, and she pulls out this unwrapped,

tiny little duck, hook duck penis condom, and she just looks, she's just like, yeah, she's like, oh Howard. But I mean, if he, the people in the audience can see it, the condom is no bigger than her fingernail. Yeah. So they were like, make sure it's a small condom. You know, make sure. But Howard, the duck is like four feet tall.

He should have a bigger dick than that. Right, I mean, are you- I don't know, are we going by- Wait, how do duck penises work in the- Paul, can we Google it? Doesn't it have a hook? It's f**ked out like a snake. Can we Google how the duck penises work?

I'll see that. She's telling me. It's- Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr is corkscrewed and the duck's vagina is corkscrewed the other way. So when they have sex, it's like. Wait, does it move like that? You're moving it like a drill bit. Okay. Okay, yeah. Propel motion somehow?

But I still feel like there would have to be a twist and a turn. I just got super horny. It's so glittery. Okay, hang on, hang on. I just wanna get to the bottom of this. I want you to explain it as clear as possible but slow and in a sexier voice

All right, so you know that like duck cup, okay, this is this is happening guys get out of here Everybody get out of here. I think it's working Wait, is there anything more relevant for this? No, really? It's just kind of a weird point Yeah, would you say that? No, really, it's just kind of a weird pointy shape. Yeah. So would you say... Wait, I don't think Howard has a duck penis. I think Howard, if he has a penis, has a human penis.

Like the other duck had human tits. Yeah. Well, that's a... Well, Jim, no one's gonna fight you on that. The condom would suggest that as well. The condom... Although, I don't know, a rolled up corkscrew condom probably just... Or is it just kind of like you'd have to do this. It's like that game where you have to,

the metal thing with the circle in the middle, and the thing is going around and around, and you have to like, right, and around, so it doesn't snap. Visually, you're missing a bunch of stuff here if you're listening. It's all visual jokes tonight. But why is Howard freaking out then?

Well, because she calls his bluff. She calls his bluff. He like, it makes a pass. He's all talk. Yeah, he makes a pass and she says, By the way, he's in a loving relationship with Michelle as we see in the beginning of the movie. He gets a postcard and she's like,

I'm so missing you, can't wait to see you. But he forgets about Michelle the second he's in Cleveland. I don't know, is he in a relationship? Or is he just fucking this broad? And I think there are a couple of girls who leave messages on his answer. I think he's got a bunch of fuck buddies. Yeah.

Look, Howard the Duck is kind of a lonely character. He comes home at night, he can't find TV, he takes out a play duck, and he starts to jerk it before he sucked to earth. I mean that's the way the movie opens. That's where it's going. That's definitely where it's headed. And yeah, so maybe he's a lonely guy and he's connected with her, but I would think he would want to kiss her. Would you say though that his journey through the movie is that he like learns to like connect with someone and really learns to like that he wants to settle down and stuff.

So you're saying that he wants- This is a serious question because honestly, at one point I thought, okay, the whole movie, the trajectory of this movie is gonna be that he, his passion for music is gonna be reignited. I thought that too! That's where it's going. He's like, I don't play anymore.

I'm like, oh, he's gonna- They're gonna collaborate. Well, by the way, I agree. That's beautiful. I agree. He's like, I don't play anymore. I'm like, oh, he's going to lose back. They're going to collaborate. Well, by the way, I agree. They're beautiful. I agree with that. Because there was, and I thought there was, he was going to sing a song at one point. Because he was like, I mean, I don't know.

And then there's a dramatic move, and he's in front of a piano. And he goes, booboo-bee, booboo. And he looks back at her, and I was like, oh, there's going to be a song now. And then just walks away from the piano. Right. Also.

That's totally dropped. So it seems like he's. You wanted him to play a little bit. You did want him. Well, yeah, I thought that was what the piano. Right. Also. It's totally dropped, so it seems, it seems like his. You wanted him to play a little bit. You did want him. Well yeah, I thought that was what the whole story was gonna say about me too. I thought he would maybe join the band. Yup.

And then he becomes the band manager, and then he like plays one song at the end, which was pretty awesome. With his beak. He does play with his beak. That was awesome. Spoiler alert, you'll get to see that at the end. And I love that, those cherry bombs.

I know you said it, but they're like gem in the holograms. Oh, I'm Robin's and Pete. Holly, Robin's and Pete. They were hot as shit, man. By the way, Tim Robbins is also in this movie as kind of an evil guy, but then he becomes a good guy. But he does say a really creepy thing

when he goes in to see those gem in the hologram girls. He goes to cherry bomb. He goes, hey girl, they just played a show and he comes backstage, he's like, hey girls, just came back here to watch y'all undress and I brought you some pizza. Well that sums up the humor in this film. I think-

It's all that, all the time. Yeah. I think he actually said, hey girls, I didn't see the show, but I made it in time to see you undressed. You're right. Which is one million times grosser. You know what? Fuck it, I don't wanna see my girlfriend perform.

I just wanna see her and her friends in their titties out. By the way, he also works at a museum where there's a lab. Yeah, and like experimental lasers. I have a whole problem with the way his character is introduced, because Leah Thompson's like, we gotta find out why you came to Earth, Howard. I'm gonna bring you to my friend. And then she goes there and she looks like she's never been there.

And then it's a surprise to find out that her friend is like a janitor. Like, then he's not really that much of a friend. What, like she like thinks he's a janitor. But he's not really that much of a friend. She thinks he's a scientist? And what about that moment when they walk into, so she comes in, they both walk into his office and then the camera holds on the door closing. Then the door opens, Tim Robbins pops out, closes the door and runs into a conference of higher level scientists. It's like, you guys, guess what I saw?

And then he's like, nothing. And goes back. into a conference of higher level scientists and was like, you guys, guess what I saw? And then he's like, nothing. And he goes back. I also love that moment because he runs into these high level scientists and there's just like a big dinosaur head on the table and someone's like, hmm, dinosaur head.

And everyone's like, oh yes. So we're all in agreement then, this is a dinosaur head. That is definitely a dinosaur. I think we can all agree agreement then, this is the dinosaur head. That is definitely a dinosaur. I think we can all agree on it. Dinosaur. Pretty sure it's the head. This scene, this is the other, I mean, this is, it was problematic in every other sentence,

but then he gets pissed off by the way Tim Robbins is trying to treat him, and he yells at Lea Thompson and and he's like, I'm on my own, and and he goes to the unemployment office He has been in town For 12 some odd hours and he is giving up on going home and decided to get a job He is now keep in mind, he's a fucking duck. I want you to understand, he's not from another town, come to the big city, he's a duck that got sucked

through interdimensional space in an armchair and is now at the unemployment office. 12 hours ago, he thought Cleveland was a planet. So... Wow, he has clothes and is looking for a job. By the way, he dresses like a rejected member of the Village People. Like a small leather hat.

Well, also, for a while, he kind of looks like a flasher for the first ten minutes he's on Earth. He's dressed like a perv. He meets up with an unemployment officer, a very sassy large African American woman who's like, all right, they gave me to you because I get all the weirdos. Like, keep in mind, she's talking to a duck.

I'm obsessed with this woman. And he says to her, yeah, she does not see that he's a duck. She's great. She's killing it. It's on her. And she's like, this is bullshit. You're going to go to work. You can't take money and reverse on him. It's a fucking duck. She's talking to a goddamn duck. But what does she think he is?

A weirdo. A weird She's a weirdo. A weirdo? A weirdo. I think she's like, she's like, this is a new level of tattooing. Like he has put feathers on his face. She's just like, I've seen it all. I've seen it all. So she's-

But she's like, no worry, I'm gonna get this fucking duck a job. That's what she's like, oh don't worry, I'm gonna get you a job. Cut to, he works at a hot tub place. Yeah, a weird place. And by the way, I will say this, for her, she did do what she was supposed to do, she got a job. Exactly.

She's good at her work. But number two, it seemed like Howard was pretty willing to work, she was very aggressive with him, he was like, I want a job, he's like, don't you come in here. Whoa, hey. Well see, this is what's weird though, it He was like, I want a job. He's like, don't you come in here. Like, whoa, hey. He's coming.

Well, see, this is what's weird though. It seems, it's because she got him a job at a hot tub place with water. It's a brothel. Okay, now keep it down. What I'm saying is, it does seem. We're saying hot tub place, and it's really just like a place

that has hot tubs and rooms that people are fucking in. Yeah, and a mud room. But there's a lot of hot tubs in this place. Yeah, okay. But they're all fucking in there. So that's what I'm saying, it seems like she knew that because he's a duck, Wait a minute. He would do well there.

No. But she does say, she does say, I think you're gonna take to this job, like a duck to water. That's like a duck to water. She does say that. No, but she doesn't think he's a duck.

That's just an irony. There are levels that June is watching on that are simply, that are next level. There's next level watching on. Wait, so you think that she said, all right, I'm the best, I'm gonna get this duck a job. I think her whole thing is, look, when people come in here, I don't judge them.

I don't care what they look like. I'm gonna get them a job at all costs. People. Come in. Right, but what I'm saying is she does know he's a duck. She doesn't care. She, see, you're saying, she's, you're saying when she's looking to play someone, she sees past species. Absolutely.

That's the flaw with this film too. It's like when you watch any Muppet movie, every character in that world, human or Muppet, is just like, this is our reality. But Howard the Duck never decided that. It's like you were saying. Sometimes people lose their minds. Like, oh my god, I'm looking at an alien, a monster.

And sometimes people are like, hey man, can I sit next to you? When he's on the bus, he's just walking around, he then has a chop. It was the 80s. People were much more accepting. The Cold War was imminent. We were friends to ducks. My favorite thing, just to wrap up this unemployment thing,

is then the woman turns around to fill out the paperwork and he is transfixed by her ass. Her ass is like right in front of him and he's like, brrr, brrr, brrr. He's like freaking out. He's gonna like jizz in his pants if his duck dick works.

I don't know. And he goes to bite that ass, that juicy ass. He tries to go bite it just as she turns around. And puts the employment form in his mouth. Again, if I ain't a parent in the 80s... He's a sexual predator. Guys, she's helping him get a job. His response was to try and bite her ass. He is an alien who is trying to attack our women sexually.

Why are we rooting for him? But yet, four scenes earlier, he's saving somebody from sexual assault, so he's a very complicated character. And that's the thing is, that's the thing is, Leah Thompson is throwing herself at him, and he's a very complicated character. Yeah, that's very true. That's the thing is, Leah Thompson is throwing herself at him, and he's like, hey, no, I can't.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. Uh-oh. But he's like, oh, I gotta bite this juicy butt. Oh, I gotta bite this juicy butt. Um, suffice it to say, him working at the fuck club does not work out well. But also, his argument, his, like, yawn at Leah Thompson is like so dumb. Yeah.

It's like, why is she getting yelled at? Yeah, like, because, yeah, he feels like, hey, you brought me to one person and you didn't solve my fucking problem, I'm outta here. Yeah. I'm like, duck from another planet. I don't need you.

I gotta say, he really does have a very bad attitude. Yeah, Leah Thompson's in a band living in an abandoned tenement. And she's like, I'm trying. I know someone who happens to be loosely affiliated with science. Like, she's doing the best she can. She's doing the best she can.

Like, a giant talking duck has attached itself to her. And she is trying to fuck it, trying to help it, trying to do everything. and he's basically like, you know what, go fuck yourself. How about this, go fuck yourself. I'm gonna say Leah Thompson did better than I could have done, and that seems to be right. Oh, 100%.

She is legitimately acting her ass off. She's doing amazing work. This, compared to Jaden Smith in After Earth, is like above, like the puppets are better than his performance in this movie. After his one excursion, he joins back up with Leah Thompson. He's like, all right, I'm back with her now. And-

I can't at this point figure out how much time has passed. How long has he been in the workforce? No. Well, he gets back with her because he shows up at her club and he fights. He's a good fighter. That's the other thing. One duck punch from Howard and you're down.

I'm gonna show the fight scene because this is how he gets back into Leah Thompson's good graces. By the way, for the people listening at home, just know that one of the bad guys in this movie is one of the guys who stole Ferris Bueller's car. Ferris Bueller's car. Here we go.

Hey, come on, grab, take your best shot. Ha! Ha! You got it! Ah! Ah! Aw, no earring in your other ear? You! You! You! You! You! You! You! You! You!

You! You! You! You! You! You! You! You!

You! You! You! You! You! You! You! You!

You! You! You! You! You! You! You! You! You! You! their manager. Listen, everybody in here is a witness. I'm letting the girls out of their contract, okay? Tell your goons to stay back. I'm warning you. Stay back, Richie.

I bite your face. You're a dead man, Ginger. What are you talking about? Space rabies. What? Space rabies? So now, now not only is he a duck in the world, super fucked up, he is telling people, So now, now not only is he a duck in the world,

super fucked up, he is telling people I'm an alien and I've got something you can have. Well see this is where the movie does turn alien. Like this is where alien, that's what starts with space rabies and then aliens become a huge, huge part of this movie. Well I wanna just, oh go ahead. Well I mean can we, did everyone catch the bartender being like,

J? It was so quick, it's so good. The bartender is like a 1960s, like, beat poet kind of guy. And he's like, yeah. That is like, you don't see that anywhere. No. And that's just a character,

that's not a character who has any lines or anything. No. That's a director's choice to be like, okay, but I want the bartender to be like, a mid 1950s beatnik. And you're loving this, you're loving this. You're helping the duck. Now, I will also point out that it's odd

that the guy that is their manager and has been holding money keeps all the money that he's owed them in his pocket ready to go. As if, oh yeah, here's the money, but I have a billfold with the exact amount. And he says, I'll give it to him when Sweet Beverly puts out. Yeah. Yeah.

So we didn't see that, sorry. But yeah, these guys are bad dudes. But all of a sudden, again, if you're a parent in the 80s, you think George Lucas, duck, and all of a sudden you've seen condoms, you've seen fuck houses, and now you've seen a duck wielding a weapon ready to puncture a man's face.

This is not what you bargained for. This is not the 2013 that you've created. The thing that, for me, was that moment where I was like, what the fuck planet is this? At a certain point, the police get involved, and Howard the Duck and Leah Thompson are trying to escape, and Leah Thompson takes the cop's gun out of his holster

and points it at him like, what the fuck do you want? And it becomes, I'm like, that's a policeman. Like, he's done nothing wrong to you. You're with a duck that's talking. You're the weird one. Don't like point a gun at this guy. I really had a lot of bad lessons. I really had a lot of bad lessons.

I felt really bad for him. Well, the other weird thing with her is that every time she runs into a group of people, she, and something's happening with Howard, she just says, you gotta help Howard. So everybody knows who Howard is. She does do that all the time. All the time.

You're hurting Howard. And then inexplicably at a certain point, she just starts calling him Ducky. Which is really weird. Well, and here's what's so strange about her character. When she first touches the feather when he falls asleep on their first night together, it looks so maternal.

And it looks so, like, okay, I guess this is... Some guy was like, oh yeah. But, oh, oh, girl, you good. She's gonna Some guy was like, oh yeah. But can't you just say... She's gonna connect to him like a woman would with her child. But can you say that this is like in her wheelhouse because Lea Thompson also plays a very similar scene with Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future

when she is his mother but she's also sexually attractive. She knows how to do that role. Did anybody else? It's a very hard position as a female actress to do that. Super edible. It really is very edible. It's so strange.

Their relationship is super weird and gross. Did anybody else think that after the sex scene later or whatever, she goes, he's leaving or something, and she goes, hey, what's this? And she reaches into the bed and pulls out a handful of feathers. And I was like, did he like jizz feathers? Ew! And she goes, hey, what's this? And she reaches into the bed and pulls out a handful of feathers. And I was like, did he like jizz feathers?

Ew! Did anybody else think that, no? Were those feathers? Yeah, a couple of, no. They're just you. Couple of other weirdos. That was just, no. They're a few more than you.

He was leaving, he was leaving those for her. He's, yeah, he's. What? No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. What are No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! So Jeffrey Jones is like the way got this part because of his role in Amadeus. They said oh, this is the guy really yes Wow, okay, so he plays like an astrophysicist kind of dude who comes along to say I think I know what I justifies everything We tried out some new laser it fucked up, so it brought you from your planet blah blah blah blah bleh he tries up he fires up his laser cannon again or whatever. And then a, what is it, a Dark Lord of the Universe possesses him? An interdimensional demon. Uh... Overlord.

An Overlord of the Universe. Okay. Who's also a Marvel character. Oh yeah? Okay. So he starts acting, I don't know, like cuckoo crazy? I think is what you'd describe it as. Pretty know, like cuckoo crazy. I think is what you would describe it as, like pretty much 100% cuckoo crazy. First of all, it starts with just like some muscle aches. He's like, so anyway, I need to, ugh.

And look, we gotta, ugh. I don't feel good. I don't feel good. Yeah, he doesn't feel good. He's a little sweatier, but then it gets worse and worse and worse. It gets really bad. And then at a certain point, he says, there is no more Jennings, I am now...

dot dot dot... someone else. That is the best line of the whole movie. What? I am... I am now... I am now someone else. Holy shit.

To be named later. Control-alt-S, save that shit. Now! Done writing for the day. Yeah. Now, at this point, Leah Thompson, who is trying to fuck a duck, and the duck are like, stop acting crazy Jennings. And everybody says he just needs a cup of coffee.

Oh, Leah Thompson's doing everything, and they're also on like a crazy car trip. Like, they're like, we're, ah! You know, like, for hours. And he's going nuts, and Leah Thompson's just trying again to be motherly, like, you just need coffee. Maybe you need to go to the bathroom.

Like, she's just, I don't know. And just to point this out to you guys, he is sweaty. His face is changing proportions. His face is melting. He's like, well, I talk like this now. And even when he gets eye lasers. Oh, like we just say how he shows he's powerful.

Yep, do you have it to show? I don't have it to show. You were gonna explain that? Oh yeah, I was going to. Okay, go ahead, do what you take. So they're at this diner, there is, I don't know, maybe- Okay, the diner, the diner. Come on. The diner's amazing.

It's Cajun sushi. It's incredible. Yeah. By the way- That was a cool, I don't know if that's from the comic book, but that's awesome. I like that, too. And the waitress just had like a- By the way, there's a waitress in the diner scene.

They got like karate kick bandanas. Yeah. The one who wears the big glasses, who's one of the best actors I've ever- Waitress? She's fantastic. Yeah, I'm so- She's fantastic. She's so cool. By the way, there's a waitress in the diner scene. The one who wears the big glasses,

who's one of the best actors I've ever heard. She's fantastic. I'm so impressed. She's one of the ones who's like, your kid's costume is great. That's terrific. And you're like, oh man, you are killing it. She's so great.

I felt like they'd set up Cajun sushi, and I wanted it to be like egg sashimi or something. They didn't have anything fun with the menu. They just kind of... They did nothing with it. It was all on the cutting room floor. Yeah, I wish. All on the cutting room floor.

So he's getting more and more powerful. They're ignoring him though. I just want to point out how much they're ignoring him. Like his face is changing and they're like, all right, calm down. And his voice has been like, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. He also starts to speak with a Russian accent.

What? A Russian accent? He starts to speak with a Russian accent, yes. What's a Russian? I swear. That categorically did not happen. Guys, I swear, listen to his voice. He becomes more and more Russian

as he transforms into an overler. I did, I did. That did not happen. I'm kidding, you think that you. Are you trying to say there is a subtle Cold War subtext to this movie? I don't know. That the guy that is the bad trying to say there is a subtle Cold War subtext to this movie? That the guy that is the bad guy has to turn into a Russian?

I mean, is this like some Red Dawn shit? Like what's up? He's the Drago of this movie. So they're sitting there and they refuse to acknowledge that he is a Dark Lord of the universe. He, they refuse to acknowledge they keep calling him Jennings. And then his eyes glow and a ketchup bottle and a mustard bottle start vibrating.

Brrr, and then everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here? And then like pew pew, and those two things explode. And then everybody's like, uh oh, this guy might mean business. But then, condiments beware. But then Howard thes his route to the waitress they get into a big fight a huge fight the sushi chef is about to cut

off his head Jennings now is at an all-powerful all-time high shooting laser. He's definitely someone else. What? He's definitely someone else. Except that they keep calling him Jennings. Yes. Howard keeps going hey Jennings little help here. By the way by the the way, he is now at this point gone past I'm someone else and said, I am an interdimensional demon, narcissus or whatever the fuck his name is. And he's like, wait, do you have a name? He did say his name, Somulus or something.

And so he has now named himself. Wait, isn't that just someone else mashed together? Ah. I am someone else. I am someone else. I am someone else. Someone else. Someone else. My name is someone else. And control...

Good. Things are exploding all over the place. He's like controlling a hatchet with his mind to which a patron of the diner turns and goes, he must have had the chili. Yeah, yes. That happened. He must have had the chili.

At which point then, when they're also gonna kill Howard, she goes, no you can't, he's my boyfriend. Yep. That's a real declaration. How have they gotten, like, are they exclusive now? Like, what the fuck is happening? I don't think they've consummated this relationship. Oh, and there's also a moment in here

where they, before this fight starts, where the truck drivers get angry with Howard. And there's like, I don't even know what it is. It's like some sort of special key that controls a giant laser, but it's like a big, it looks like a garage remote control. It's like a big, it looks like a garage remote control. It's a big bulky thing. Yeah, garage door opener.

Yeah, it's big and it's weird looking. And the truck driver immediately goes, hey, what's this, the key to your duck mobile? And pops it in his pocket. So. Yeah, he was gonna kill it. By the way, entirely possible that he would have a duck mobile.

Although it looks nothing like a key. But yet he needed to take it. Like that's the whole a duckmobile. Also, it looks nothing like a key. But yet he needed to take it. Like, that's the whole reason the fight happens. So this guy has this duckmobile. Here's what I wanted to know. During the fight, and this diner scene lasts, I don't know, an hour and a half? Everything in this movie lasts way too long.

This scene and the airplane scene. It's an hour 50. The airplane scene is easily 25 minutes long. At a certain point I was like, how long have they been on this fucking airplane? I bet that took a week. Wait, they get on an airplane in this? Oh yeah, that's fire.

Whatever that thing is, yeah. I'm calling it an airplane. It is, it's a little one. Oh, at the end of the diner scene, at the end of the diner scene is a pie fight, but Howard the Duck, they can't make Howard the Duck throw pies, so Howard the Duck, they can't make Howard the Duck throw pies, so Howard the Duck can only hold pies

and people can run at him and run into the pies. So that is the pie fight that happens, is people who are nearby put their faces in a pie. Now that we're in a post-Avatar world, oh my God, all we could have had so much more fun with pie. Here's another weird thing about Howard though, they established that he can't fly, that ducks.

And he can't swim either. He can't fly and can't swim. But in the beginning of the movie, when he first lands on earth, he does try to fly. Excuse me? Guys. Guys. Describe it please.

There's a moment where Howard with his hands tries to fly along the street. He flaps his hands a number of times as though he's going to take off. I don't know. Where and when? I don't know that. I don't know the time though.

That doesn't happen because he can't fly on his home planet. That's what I'm saying. He doesn't fly anywhere. I know. And that's why it was crazy that he tried to fly. So do you think this was some sort of Maybe he was wet and he was like blowing himself up? Yeah, I thought because it was raining, he was invader? Yeah, I thought it was raining.

He was drying his furrows. Yeah, like taking off the rain. No, I know that moment. Maybe he was cleaning his feathers. I know that moment. You think he was trying to fly. I swear there was a moment he took both hands and he collapsed.

Do you think his journey is to flight? Oh, that's a really good question. To being free? That's a really good question. Can I just also quickly to the, that's the diner, the moment where they order the special and it's eggs and Howard flips the fuck out. That's what causes the fight. Yeah.

No, no, the fight is the truckers hit on Leah Thompson. What, what is, like what would be like, what would be the equivalent to us? Would that be like fetus? What? Embryos. Embryos. So I was gonna say, would that be, hold on. Would that be like, so it would just be like, fetus is on a plate.

But it would be like ape embryos, right? Or something, because ducks and chickens aren't the same. Yeah, they're chicken eggs. But he was like, I mean, he's never been more mad except for when Leah Thompson did nothing to him. But wouldn't you assume? Wouldn't you assume? Because here's the thing mad except for when Lea and Tom did nothing to him. What did you assume?

Cause here's the thing. Except for when she tried to help him. Yeah. I will ask you this, like you guys eat eggs, right? Sure. You guys eat the eggs of another species even though your body produces eggs, right? That's correct.

On Duck Planet, are we doing like, That's what I thought. I'm assuming chickens are still just chickens. Well, here's the thing. I don't think on their planet they have other species. But we don't eat monkeys. At all? We don't eat monkeys though.

Did you see any? That would be the equivalent. We don't eat monkeys. When he opens his fridge on the planet, there are gummy frogs. Yes, he eats frogs. So... But I don't know what those frogs were.

They were like, they were in there. They were like gummy bears or gummy worms. Well, they were real, I would have meant. No, they were candies, I thought. Oh, I thought they were like real frogs, though. Well, they were poorly made. Okay. Again, another prop from Return of the Jedi.

That's out of like Jabba's Bowl or something like that. I think you kind of get a hint at the humor, too. Is it like Jar Jar Binks was really funny to George Lucas and this was probably really funny to him? Yeah. You know? People who say that George Lucas lost it for the new Star Wars are wrong.

He lost it way earlier. Way, way earlier. I want to show one of the most disturbing sequences of any film. This is, this is Jeffrey Jones and he needs electricity. And I apologize because it's very visual so he lives at home. And here's the thing, he needs electricity. He needs electricity. He needs power. Here we go. Get ready to be disgusted.

Alright, so this clip is actually very visual. What you should picture is Jeffrey Jones, a sweaty mess, turning, leering at Leah Thompson. And then from out of his mouth comes a metallic snake. It's kind of like reverse alien. And it looks like a penis, like a disgusting penis coming out of his mouth. It's going right towards Leah Thompson

and then at the last second detours and goes into a car charger and gets electrocuted and his whole face gets electrocuted. So that's what's happening here. Now back to the show. There is a straight up rape tentacle that comes out of his mouth. And she's still like, ew you gross. I'm gonna puke

Her reaction is so muted for you. That's all he wants to do with that It would it would hurt not to touch on the fact that they find a airplane out in the back of the diner for no apparent reason They fly Robbins and Howard just get on and try and fly and in that flying sequence Tim Robbins Goes from being a good guy to a bad guy back to a good guy again like he's like he's with Howard He's not with Howard. He's with Howard again. I feel Howard is if Howard is a Christ figure He is the one who denies you guys like you will deny me three times Yeah, that's what that's what Tim Robbins does the deep role He's what? He's handcuffed. He's also handcuffed. He's handcuffed for pretty much the entire third act of the movie. Which is

essentially three scenes, each of which is 90 minutes long, it feels like. If you took out all the chasing, flying, falling, fighting. The movie would be 15 minutes. Yeah. I thought for sure too, Tim Robbins' character was at some point during the third act of the movie going to see Howard as a real, not person of course, but see that he has an emotional life. An individual.

Is an individual and not just a science experiment. Well, you know what? Like that just never, there's no. It's that kind of performance level that he brought to it that beat Jay Leno out of that part. Jay Leno also up for that part. Yes. Yes, so Jay Leno hit Tim Robbins going head to head.

Jay Leno looked too much like Howard the Duck. Hey, hey, hey. That's what caused him to not get that part is that his head was too large and square. Before, I mean the third act is kind of inconsequential because it's so fucking boring, but I do want to talk about this one thing that I think is a big problem, which is the voice of the duck is so, it's so non-engaging. Like I feel like I'm not, like it doesn't seem like a character that I want to be friends

with. It seems like... Well in the comic, I like I'm not like it doesn't seem like a character that I want to be friends with it seems like Well in the comic I think I'm right it was for correct me if I'm wrong in the comic isn't he like he's a foul-mouthed Asshole foul mouth yeah, he's like he's a dick. Yeah, he's like isn't he kind of like a hard-boiled detective kind of asshole What hard-boiled you said? You guys see what's happening here, right you guys are doing it better than us like a film noir type thing yeah I think and like that was in a trench coat what yeah cuz he's in a trench coat Yeah, yeah, and at some point. He's in trouble in his goose is cooked No, no no guys, guys, guys.

But that's what makes them exciting. Guys, I was trying to force that. Egg-citing. Egg-citing? I did, we did some research. The rest of the podcast is just puns and people leaving. That would be Howard the Deaf. Guys, I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers

with that last pun. Yeah! Whoo! I'm glad we could have Kristen on the pill. to ruffle your feathers with that last one. Yeah! Woo! I'm glad we could have Kristen on the bill. No. No. No. No. No.

Now you feel what it is to watch the movie. For an hour and 15 minutes. An hour, five, oh. There were so many what the fuck moments. I didn't think it was a missed joke. I didn't think it was a missed joke when he kept on asking for the check. He should have said the bill.

Yeah. Ehh. But did you guys feel that at all? That his voice wasn't like, he wasn't like, that's a fun voice. I don't know. I mean, like Roger the Rabbit has like a fun voice and like, that's a main character.

No, he was really boring, really flat, really boring. I would have liked Gilbert Godfrey as that character. You know, like that kind of a boy. In retrospect. That's what you're expecting. I would watch Howard the Dog. That would great. Gilbert Godfrey would great., you know, like that kind of a boy. In retrospect, yeah. I would watch Howard the Dog. That would great. Gilbert Godfrey would great. I would watch a sequel starring the Affleck Dog. John Cusack and Martin Short did not get the role of the voice. They auditioned for it.

And it went to Chip Zian. Who we all know. I liked it. I liked his voice. You liked it. You liked his voice. Okay. I thought it just suited him fine. You know what? This is why we have the show. Just to have this kind of discussion. And I imagined all the fillers too,

because you know Chip is in the sound booth and he's got to do voiceover for hours and hours and hours. And Howard's just looking off in a direction. He's got to like add lines. Yeah. His mouth is a lot of the times not moving when he's talking. In the beginning I was like, oh, is his mouth just not going to move? And then it does, and then it stops.

But there's a lot of times where it's just like, it's just... And you hear a whole monologue going on. At a certain point, Jeffrey Jones is running out of power, and so he goes on a tour of a nuclear facility. Which he just walks in and wears a vest. Because you can't. And then he goes in and he like sucks the power out of a nuclear reactor.

But wait a second, before on the tour, he is completely deformed now, bald. And someone goes, oh, this guy needs a cup of coffee. Yep. Just need some coffee. And then he gets completely irradiated, full of power, gets back into the truck with Lea Thompson, at which point I was like,

you just got all of the cancer in the world. Like, he is now like a walking radiation bomb. Like anybody, she is sterile instantly. Right? If I keep getting into this, it's gonna get real funny, right? The cancer that is going to befall her character within months? By the way though, why does he need her on this mission? Because he's gonna use her body to bring down one of the other overlords.

But that makes no sense, because the only reason why the overlord got into his body is because he's too ugly. He's like, my body is too hideous. So, but now he's taking control. He could bring a hideous person to Earth now. Yeah, and then he also just comes right out of his body and he's like this real monster, like a real scary monster. Like something out of Jason and the Argonauts

meets like the Cloverfield monsters. Very acclamation and like, blah. Like, I don't know how to describe it more than it's a blob. It's a blob with a mouth, and I think the mouth is the focal point. Yes. Well, at this point, they must have been like, you know what, with the special effects,

we're fucking firing on all cylinders. So let's just go ahead and create this new monster, because we are killing it. Let's complicate this final scene a little bit more, but luckily there wasn't a radiation gun. They shoot it, and it's good, done. So that's the movie. I mean, really. more, but luckily there wasn't a radiation gun. They shoot it and it's good, done. So that's the movie.

I mean, really, I mean, is there anything to talk about in that third act that's, I mean, just, it's long. It's so long. I have a question, but it's not about the third act. What? When they try to take, at one point, one of the scientists tries to take Howard's boxers off.

Yeah. Oh, that's uncomfortable. But they don't come off. No. Why not? So we don't see his dick. I Think honestly they try it because they said the cop says the cop says take off this Jerks suit take off the duck suit get him out of the duck suit

So they take off all of his clothes and then they and they're like, there's no zipper. There's no zipper for the duck suit Yeah, and then he's like take off his briefs or his shorts or whatever. And then, but then when you see him, he's not naked. But he's skinny. He's way skinny. And why is he wearing underwear, but Donald Duck wears none?

Well, that's what I'm saying. They can't take off his boxer. Someone has a line where they say- No, they can't take off his suit, his duck suit. Yeah. Oh, so they just don't, they choose not to take off his suit. Wait, did you think they were incapable of taking off his suit? You thought the boxers were attached to him?

I thought something very real was happening with his genitals that was affecting what went on with Himalaya in the bed. On the Duck Planet, they evolved to have permanent underwear, except for ladies not on top. I didn't know what was going on. I do, I do, just because we're talking about the cops, I wanna show probably one of the best written 80 yard scenes of all time. I didn't know what was going on. I do, I do, just because we're talking about the cops.

I want to show probably one of the best written 80 yard scenes of all time. This is the cops explaining the situation. Just listen very closely. Here we go. On the double. Okay, I want this guy. The suspect is three foot one inches tall. Three, two, thank you. You heard me. He's armed.

That means he's got a weapon, right? That also means he's dangerous. What? Extremely dangerous. Shoot to kill. Let's move it out, come on. Youngest cops of all time. He is armed. He's on this cops of all time. He is armed.

He is dangerous. Means he's armed and dangerous. Shoot to kill. There are a lot of times people have quotes from famous movies in here. There is one line where Tim Robbins, because he's being cheated out of being able to use Howard to advance his scientific career, says, I could have been a contender.

I could have been a contender. And then in the next scene, he says, of all the planets in all the world, I had to fall into your... There's so many dumb movie quote lines in here. And I feel like they thought people were going to be like, oh, fuck yeah, man. I fucking love these movies they're referencing. The writer of this movie wrote American Graffiti, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and this. Yeah, I feel like those two guys, they had to, it was almost like a bet one of them lost,

and he was like, great, this is what you're doing. Boom, Howard the Duck. I'm George Lucas, I'm unstoppable. I used to get a Star Wars magazine when I was a kid, it was called Bantha Tracks, right? And it was almost like a pamphlet. And then all of a sudden Bantha's track stopped after Return of the Jedi, and it was like, Howard the Duck?

And it was like three months of Howard the Duck? I was like, ugh, ugh. Where's Han Solo? Yoda, where's Yoda? I was like, I was looking. So can I, so but in the comic, does he, does he live on Earth? Guys? I think he's a detective.

Does he solve crimes? Is it, is it, can a nerd speak for the, the duck? Yes, nerd with his hand raised, please. Yes, you know what he doesn't have? Disney sued Marvel and said that he has to wear pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear pants. Wow, so Disney.

Whoa! He said Disney sued Marvel and said that he had to wear pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear pants, so that would have been like copyright infringement. I guess. Yeah, yeah, you can wear, okay, great. Well, this is actually great.

Let's actually turn up the house, let's go out to the audience, see what they have to guess. Yeah, yeah, you can, okay, great. Well, this is actually great. Let's actually turn up the house, let's go out to the audience, see what they have to say. Oh, nice. Anything that we did not bring up. We normally have many episodes for corrections and omissions, but are there anything that you wanna talk about?

Oh, there's a lot, there's a lot of people who wanna talk about this movie. Lot of hands up, lot of hands up. Sir, what's your name and what's your question? My name is Tony. I'm actually from Cleveland, where this is supposed to take place. Wait you're from Cleveland? Cleveland. The planet? Is it a planet? We call it the

Cleve but we don't at all. Three things. First one. Three things? It's quick. It's gonna be quick, I believe him. Hey, Tony, don't get talking, bro. He lived, his city lived through this incident. Let him speak. Here we go. During the flying scene, you see palm trees in the back. Yes. That's true. No palm trees in Cleveland. I believe that.

The second one, too few black people in downtown Cleveland. Good point. I also got an email, I got a Twitter, and someone said, please mention that there is no woman as attractive as Leah Thompson in Cleveland. Okay, third thing. The third thing I actually forgot, because I'm kind of nervous about talking to people.

Well, I want to ask a question. You did a great job. You want to break into the music scene and really like boost your music career, do you go to Cleveland to make that happen? Rock and roll hall of fame is there. Oh, okay. All right, juche.

What do you do? Juche, Tony, juche. That's great, thank you. All right, we'll go over here. Sir, what's your name, what's your question? Here we go. My name is Jason, my question is. Great name. Fucking a. My name is Jason. My question is- Great name.

Fucking home run name, bro. In the name department, killing it. So in the end, pretty much the end scene when they kill the big alien thing, right? Then they tell Howard that he has to blow up the laser. So, you know, when she says, oh, but then you can never go home but he blows it up anyways was there not just like a button they could push or

something to turn it off very good question I'm sorry so you want to know you want to know why why there isn't an emergency off button why the laser? Why do you need to destroy the technology instead? Like, why, like, yeah. Keep in mind this is a laser that at one point when it goes off, it goes off poorly, which burns half of one man's face, leading him to say, Hold please, hold please, oh God, why isn't this, where is it? What did I, oh guys guys this happened, hold on.

Mark this, we'll edit it all out. We have no right to tamper with the universe! Worth it? Worth it? I think so. And by the way, His face is burnt. We have no right to tamper with the universe. And Liam Thompson and Howard run into the room he just came at them.

Everybody, it's evacuating because the thing is burning people's faces, and they're like, we gotta get in there. I wanna get a ladies perspective. Ma'am, what is your question? Hi, my name's Denise. I have two things. One, can we discuss why this movie is rated PG?

Yes, big question. First one, and then the second thing is, apparently the writer, sorry, the director and producer married. They conceptualized this idea and they originally wanted to shoot it in Hawaii just because they thought it would be a fun place to shoot. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I read that. And they went to Hawaii and didn't read any reviews as soon as it came out.

as soon as it came out. Yeah, they made a bad choice. To start off, let's just shoot in Hawaii, it'll be fun. It's a bad choice. Unless you just created Magnum PI, that should not be how you operate. Again, this is a Marvel comic book that takes place in Cleveland, so it's a very big, throwing out everything to say, let's put it in Hawaii.

What I read on the Wikipedia is that they went to film school with George Lucas, and George Lucas brought it to them, he brought the comic book to them, and like, what do you think? And then Paul explained that they had to shoot it live action, all this stuff. So they kind of got pulled into this,

but also they really fucked it up. Oh yeah. Does anyone know if they're still married? They are, okay good. Mom, love for a rule call. Are they here? Anybody else think, oh wait, this is just, this is a comedy nerd insider weird thing.

When Howard the Duck lands on earth, he goes into a club where Leah Thompson's gem in the holograms band is playing, and the doorman looks exactly like Paul Rust. Anybody? Yes. We are. All right, good, thank you. All right, you're-

Because for one second, I was like, oh, Paul Rust is in the- Me too. Oh, that's impossible. I said it out loud. But then I started to think, maybe Paul Rust is ageless, and he's been acting for a long time.

Okay, that does bring up something, a really common rumor is that he is a Highlander. Paul Rust is ageless and he's been acting for a long time. Okay, that does bring up something. A really common rumor is that he is a Highlander. You get into that on next episode. Your question right here. It's an explanation. Oh, great. Oh no, I need you guys.

Oh, okay, bad. So it's an explanation hope, also known as a question. Very good. Yeah, so fuck you. So fuck you, dummy. Alright, go ahead with your explanation, Hope. Here we go. This better be awesome.

At the end of the movie, all this stuff has happened, and he says, I need this, like, I need another tail. And? I don't know what that means. Well, I-I-I-I-I'm gonna just go out on a limb and say that that's probably the least offensive thing that he says. Like, I'll be like, I need that,

like, I need another hand, or I need another head, right? Like, I need a hole in the head, head right like I need a hole in the head I guess yeah hole in the head I will say about their tails is I did think it was interesting that they're that in on the duck planet their costumes or their Their wardrobe wardrobe does not get every day civilian clothes has a hole cut in the pants for the tail Let's do all of the clothes he has on Earth. Well, he's very good with a pair of scissors

when he's shoplifting from the tiny, tiny, tiny... The tyke section of Goodwill, he said, the tiny tykes. Yeah, go ahead. I'm sorry. All right, yeah, question here. Question. Where are some questions? Okay, right here. Yeah. We haven't had anybody with a beard ask a question. Go ahead. If these ducks lay eggs, why do they have breasts?

Yes! Good question. That's a great explanation, Hope. Are we sure? Wait. Wait, what? He was saying if the ducks lay eggs, why do they have breasts?

I think maybe the planet is so advanced that they come out of the egg and then they're like, I am still hungry for a good, you know, breast milk. That's, that's, they're also... Like, grow smarter, talk, and buy magazines. There's no proof, by the way, that his planet, they lay eggs. We have not seen anyone lay an egg. How would he know about the eggs?

I don't know. Howard also does say, Howard also does say that he went to med school and his parents wanted him to be a plastic surgeon, doing pudding, doing titty jobs, doing boob jobs. Maybe that's how they get them. Yeah, maybe that's it. You're off mic, no one can hear you.

Hold on, I gotta get back there. All right, your question. Well, this was just a very weird throwaway line. When Jeffrey Jones has become irradiated and he's blowing up all the cars, he's blowing up all the cars because traffic is all backed up and traffic is all backed up because the highway patrolmen are doing a routine smog check? That is a great question.

Something that I noticed as well, and I thought, oh, that's just something that happened in the 80s, right? Smog checks. You're bringing that up like it's not totally normal, bro. I get stopped for routine smog check all the time. Go one more, one more, one more question.

Listen, you come here, you come a little closer. Here we go, all right. Here's your more, one more, one more question. Listen, you come here, you come a closer. Here we go, all right. Here's your question, one more. This is our final question, it better be good. Don't blow it. Your name, your favorite Jason Statham movie in your question, go. My name is David, my favorite Jason Statham movie

is In the Name of the King, a Dungeon Siege Tale. All right, good, good answer, good answer. Terrible choice, but it is an answer. Uh oh, he's pulling out his iPhone, he wrote it down. Paul, get away from him, Paul, get away from him! His tongue is coming out of his mouth! No, oh God! There's no energy in my ass.

Alright, if there is a George Washington duck on Howard's one dollar bill and his apartment is decorated with those posters, then are we to believe that every duck has some sort of human analog on earth? If that's true, then is there a Howard the human on the duck planet? Whoa, that was an amazing question. I got goosebumps.

I like how he got goosebumps. Killing it. If I had a prize, you would get it. Killing it, bro. Hey, that's how you do a question. That was amazing. That's how you do it. That's how you do an explanation.

Hope. That's how, yeah, that's well done. And for everybody at home... Yes, I would say yes. Oh, oh, oh! I would say yes, too. And I want to tell you, there's one thing here. Sorry. Okay, the whole movie, and that's, and I wanna tell you, there's one thing here, sorry.

Okay, the whole movie, you're right, has these things. It's like Breeders of the Lost Ark, you know, My Little Chickadee, but then on the wall, Flashdance. No, Splashdance. Just Flashdance. No, it's Splash, Splashdance. Oh, it was? Splashdance.

But still not a duck pun. It should have been like duck dance. Sort of. Splash? Like in the water. Splash, splash, I'll... I'll allow it. Let us have it, Paul.

I'll allow it. You guys got it. I see where you're going, counselor, and I'll allow it. Is there any way... do you have the DVD in there, and can we look for the moment when he tries to fly? Alright. I do have the DVD in here. can we look for the moment when he tries to fly? Alright, I do have the DVD in here. He's walking through the streets.

Okay. He's just landed in Cleveland. Tap to this. Was that it? Was that it? I don't know. Was that it? That's not it. That's not it. Wait!

So we found a shot where he flaps his arms and that wasn't it? That's not it! I'm telling you, that's not it. June, he was ducking out of the way. There. I'm talking. I'm talking. I'm talking.

I'm talking. Home run. We are the champions, my friend. No. No. Have this man removed. June, is it before it went, but where is it before it went? He just got high fives from everybody. For those listening on the podcast, he got one million high fives.

I think it's after he comes out of the club and after the rape scene. I think it's when he's walking, it's a moment where he's walking alone, he's almost listless and he tries to fly. Wait, he goes from listless to fly do you have the okay I'll find this on my own time I promise no no no we're gonna take as long as it's Go back. That's it, right? That's not it. What?

No! That's not it. No! That's not it. No! Go back to when he first lands on her. At any of these points. That's not it.

All right, we'll just fast forward to the club. When he's on the streets. By the way. I can't make you feel it Right there! Right fucking there! Thank you! Wow, way to go, Junze. That was great. I'm breaking my fingers. Wow, wow, wow.

June did it. You did it. June was right. June was right. He did try to fly. Too bad we'll have to edit that out for the real show. Oh, my God, that was amazing. People stood up. That was amazing, Junior. Well, you were right. That looked like a flight.

That looked like flight. Obviously, we had an opinion about this movie, but now it is time for a second opinion. These are five-star reviews called from Amazon. I will say there is one similarity to these reviews, and this is, I'll read it to you, and then I'll tell you. From S. Granger, writer and dad, he writes,

I understand why someone who is looking for a great film would be disappointed. Fair enough. Howard the Duck is no saving Private Ryan or English patients. I'm listening. Thankfully, not all films are because then we'd be really bored.

What Howard the Duck is is entertainment. It's a guy in a duck suit. It's pretty funny and refreshingly enjoyable. Five stars. Now I'll go on to say, I read numerous reviews that slammed Saving Private Ryan and hoisted this up. I don't understand what the correlation is. Bob Granger? No, Saving Private Ryan.

No, written by Granger. Oh, no, no, by other people. Oh. Multiple people said, yeah, it's still Saving Private Ryan, but... We're like, Google, why do we need to have this? They didn't come out at the same time, did they? No.

Not at all, right? Spielberg. Spielberg. Oh, Spielberg. But he's not involved in this. He's not in this. But that's what I said. I guess. Yeah, I guess. Here's another one from Kevin Pitchford. He goes...

KP! I know a lot of people think I'm crazy, but this is my favorite George Lucas film. Oh! Oh! Maybe it was the fact that I gravitated towards being a small person in a strange foreign world that has yet to understand that I related to my childhood.

But the best movies are the ones where you watch them, and the movie never changes, but as you watch it at a different age and different point in your life, you notice so much more. Whoa. I can't explain my fondness of Howard the Duck, but I love this movie. Some deep shit is going on over here.

The rest are all very positive. There's a lot of people who love this movie and it seems unironically. I'm not one of them. Yeah, this movie is terrible. Would you recommend anyone to watch it? Nope. I kind of just wish it wasn't so long.

So long. Yeah, I had to watch it in two nights. Like I had to. Take a break. I had to take a break. You have to take a knee in the middle of it. It makes... Just like Jaden Smith in After Earth,

take a knee. Ha ha. The movie, it just is bananas. It makes no sense. There is no... You're not doing anything, and the fact that it goes on for so long makes it, like, not enjoyable in the,

this is stupid, right? It just is like, is this stupid thing still happening to me? Yeah, I feel like they were tackling so much because it should have been an animated film. So I liked it, it's like what? And you know, that's cool. But at the same time, it's like, did they not have it in the system of Hollywood in 1986

where they would get Patton Oswald in to punch up the script? I mean, why was it allowed to be so not funny all the time? I think the issue was, there's two issues at play. Number one, Lucas was like, I made Star Wars. So this is gonna be great. Like, and everyone's like, yeah. Now people are like, I made Star Wars, so this is gonna be great. Like, and everyone's like, yeah. Now people are like, okay. Like, but like this is a great story.

They said the film was optioned by Universal. They lobbied so hard to get this because the head of the studio had passed on all these other George Lucas projects that had gone on to be hugely successful. So he's like, I'm gonna get this one. This is the one I'm gonna get. And he got it without even reading the script.

And then he was promptly fired. But it seems to me like- You don't have to read the script. The title should give you enough. I wanted a whole movie on the duck planet. The duck planet would be great, right? Yeah, the duck planet was what I was excited about. I would like the Duck Planet.

Also, Howard, in the cartoon, or in the comic book, Howard had a real distinct personality. He was gruff, he was existential, he was cool. And then they wanted to make him likeable in the movie, but they didn't quite do it. So he's just sort of like middle of the road. Everything's kind of like middle of the road. Yeah.

And just perverted. Yeah, it's pervertedness goes through this movie. That's the, if there's a through line, it's pervert. Yeah. Like there's just a guy with big chunky frames and a trench coat like going, yeah, more of this. Yeah. Like he was the Patton Oswalt of his day.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then his tongue comes out. It gets really long. So you're saying Patton is a real pervert? I'm saying he was the equivalent of punching up the script, but they had a pervert, not Patton. Wow, wow, wow. Guys, you heard it here.

You heard it here. You're really taking Patton to task. I'm taking Patton to task. Yeah, no, there is like, the duck titties, which we talked about a lot, I did especially, is, happens within the, the duck titties, which we talked about a lot, I did especially, is, happens within the first three minutes of the movie. Like, you can open-

It's a PG movie. He opens, it's a PG movie. Not 13. Not 13. Not 13. He opens, the movie opens- And it's PG because you see titties, but they're duck titties?

Yeah, duck titties. And they're puppet titties. Like, you've never seen Miss Piggy's titties, but according to the rating standards of this movie, you could. Yeah. Wow. In a way that is sexualized,

because she's in a bath. And she's singing like, I'm in love. Is that it? No, she's like masturbating under those bubbles. Absolutely, but she's also singing, it's off. Wait, did, who did, did Danny Elfman do the music for this? No.

Who did? Oh, oh, oh, Thomas Dolby. Thomas Dolby, that's right. Cause everything sounded kind of oingo boingo-y and I thought it might've been Danny Elfman. Well, here's the best way to end. Any movie is great when it ends with a musical number and here is just, just a bit just a bit of that musical number.

Here we go. ["Howl of the Night"] All right, ready mechanical, we're gonna release the big wave. Q egg ready, cue egg, go! -♪ We're gonna save the humerated, call him Howard, but the... -♪ Howard, Howard, help me out. Release that rope there. -♪...taken...

And I'm just gonna pause it right there because basically this is the best ending of any movie. They've become hugely famous singing a song about their adventures. Tim Robbins, who was a scientist, is now like a stage manager. They have become, yeah, they're hugely famous. Howard the Duck is like a powerful manager in this world. He is dressed like Dodd Johnson.

Yes. Everything has worked out for these people in the best of ways. And I think that, you know, when you do that in a movie, hey, come on, you gotta leave with a smile on your face. Everything has worked out for these people in the best of ways. And I think that if you know when you do that in a movie, hey come on, you gotta leave with a smile on your face. Or hate in your heart. And then the end of the movie is basically Leah Thompson and him kind of

huddle off to the side of the stage and go like, hey, you did it. Let's do this. Let's do it. Let's make duck babies. Like, let's make a hybrid form of life. And that was Tobey Maguire. And that's what happened at Largo. A big thanks to Kristen Schall. She was amazing. So good.

You can follow me on Twitter at Paul Scherr. You can follow June at Miss June. Diane Jason is not on Twitter. And for those of you that have been reading aliens versus Parker a brand new issue is coming out July 3rd definitely check that out We will see you next time Bye bye