How Did This Get Made? - Matinee Monday: The Tourist

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Natasha Leggero and Gil Ozeri join Paul and June to break down 2010's The Tourist. What's the worst that can happen when pairing together superstars like Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp? Apparently, this movie. The HDTGM crew discuss the bad accents, the slowest boat chase ever, a $20 million plastic surgery procedure, and the lack of romantic chemistry in this Golden Globe-nominated film. (Originally released 05/30/2011) For more Matinee Monday content, visit Paul's YouTube page: https://www.youtube.com/c/PaulScheerGo to www.hdtgm.com for tour dates, tickets, and more.Follow Paul on Letterboxd: https://letterboxd.com/paulscheer/HDTGM Discord: discord.gg/hdtgmPaul’s Discord: https://discord.gg/paulscheerCheck out Paul and Rob Huebel live on Twitch (https://www.twitch.tv/friendzone) every Thursday 8-10pm ESTSubscribe to The Deep Dive with Jessica St. Clair and June Diane Raphael here: listen.earwolf.com/deepdiveSubscribe to Unspooled with Paul Scheer and Amy Nicholson here: listen.earwolf.com/unspooledCheck out The Jane Club over at www.janeclub.comCheck out new HDTGM merch over at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/hdtgmWhere to Find Jason, June & Paul:@PaulScheer on Instagram & Twitter@Junediane on IG and @MsJuneDiane on TwitterJason is Not on Twitter

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to How Did This Get Made. I am Paul Shear. I am joined by my co-host, June Diane Rayfield. How are you, June? I'm Paul. Good, how are you? My guest is away shooting a movie, so he is not here for this episode. He may be here for the next episode.

We don't know, but we have two stellar guests sitting in his place. Please welcome Natasha Leggero, who does her own hilarious podcast, The Lavender Hour. Hello. Thanks for having me. And we also have Gilles Ari, who is now a new writer for Happy Endings, the hit ABC show. Oh, yeah. It's a hit.

Is that in? It's a hit. It's a hit, so I guess. I just watched it because I've heard five people tell me Casey is so amazing, so I've been watching the show, and she is. She's unbelievable. The whole show is. The cast is an amazing cast.

Yeah, everyone's great. Everyone's great. Yeah, no, it's great. So watch it next season, and then think to yourself, I listened to him, and now I understand his writing on the show. You've got to pick out the episodes. Yeah. This is a fun game for the viewers at home.

All right, so the movie that we talked about, the movie we watched this week, was The Tourist, the Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp movie. The atoll. Yeah. I'll let them explain the movie a little bit. Here we go. I fell in love with the criminal two years ago, who disappeared. Didn't we all?

We all did. As we do. Paul has been heading the investigation to find the criminal. I've decided to use Johnny to trick Paul's character. This is exactly why she chose it, to distract us. He's hurled into this incredible world of intrigue and espionage. So now that sounds like a moderately interesting movie. But that's not what the movie is.

This movie is bad. It's really bad, right? I mean. I don't know what that look is she has on her face for the entire movie. She looks like she's in like a perfume ad, the entire movie. I thought she was doing an impression of a European the entire time. How do you want me to be? Exactly.

What do you want from me? What do you think a dangerous woman would have for breakfast? It was like what? She's like Hannibal Lecter. This movie is kind of like an Alfred Hitchcock scene through a guy who only saw a poster for like charade and been on a lot of match.com dates. They're like it's bad like dialogue scenes. Well the crazy thing too is like I would if you told me that Angelina Jolie and Brett

and Johnny Depp were going to be in a movie together and there was going to be a romance like I'm so on board for that. I've never seen two people who are this attractive have so little chemistry. Did they have any? There was none. They had nothing. They almost hated each other. There was resentment.

It was like an Israeli and a Palestinian. That's the chemistry they had. And didn't it seem like he had no charisma or something? He was like well in this world Johnny Depp is ugly. That is the runner of this movie. He's a math teacher. Wait $20 million worth of plastic surgery landed us there. Oh no it's well the ending just.

I was like how are they going to like how is Johnny Depp going to be believable as a nerd but he was disgusting. And like so unlike it feels like they woke him up right before each scene. He had like puffy face morning puffy face but it was still hilarious that like whenever Angelina would go into a place like this is my husband and be like this gross person. He's still Johnny Depp. I also love that every time Angelina walked anywhere like the service people lost their mind.

Is it like because she's a spy or because she's so beautiful. I couldn't figure it out because I had to watch this movie when I was 13 sitting. When she walked into that ballroom everyone was like oh my god. Well the other thing was alright so the whole premise of the movie is Angelina Jolie is protecting her boyfriend who is a criminal because he stole money from the mafia or whatever. I had no idea that's what that was. That guy that weird Russian guy that they're running from and so she takes Johnny Depp on because her boyfriend is like find someone who looks like me and then we'll trick them.

And then the twist of the entire movie is Johnny Depp is actually her boyfriend with extensive plastic surgery. Twenty million dollars worth. Yeah that's how the movie ends like that's the face that you got for twenty million dollars. But what about that underwear model that she saw at the buffet table at the ball. He was a guy that Johnny Depp was just texting to make show up at certain places to appear to be her boyfriend.

It was so convoluted and stupid it made no sense why he would be like an idiot for the entire movie. And wait was he trying to figure out now I'm trying to understand this actually was he trying to figure out if she really loved who he really was without all the accoutrements that he really was sounded like a disgusting guy like the Alex Pierce I know had tarned her stained teeth and smoked cigarettes and it was shorter and had a weird forehead. It was like well that guy sounds really ugly and weird. I love that part where you moved your forehead up like that was part of the surgery was he

moved his forehead up he moved his forehead and then you think that Johnny Depp is bullshitting when he's like because basically Johnny Depp comes to Angelina Jolie's rescue and you think oh he's like pretending to be Alex Pierce this you know this bad guy and he's like your voice sounds different he goes voice chip like that's a real thing like a voice and then you find out that in the real world it's like oh he's pretending but then when you find out like five minutes later that it's real it's bullshit. How about that opening scene where she's reading the newspaper in her evening gloves in the morning.

And then she reads a letter she wants to burn burns it with the candle that's at the table in the morning and then walks away and then then the FBI guy has some sort of crazy puzzle a machine where you can feed in burnt pieces of paper complicated puzzle I've ever seen in my life and he was in two minutes they cut it together like it was this unbelievable action scene it was the most tedious thing I've ever basically the idea is that she rips a piece of paper she burns it and then puts water on it and then they take those watery pieces of paper bring them to a lab scan them and then they're able to read the writing on it and then but it's a huge puzzle and he only reads the parts of the letter

as like that are like as a plot needs as a plot needs it he's like oh just figured this out but what's so amazing like just hearing us talk about it you would never know that it was nominated for two comedy awards in the Golden Globes yes it was nominated for best musical or comedy well so funny there's no jokes are there not a one not a one and I remember listening to Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes and they this is really cruel and uncomfortable and I take all of that he was one of the tourists oh yeah big time he like went after it but it's all he said the only movie that didn't have 3d was the tourist no 3 dimensional characters or something like that this movie is even crazy too like

there's that one shot in the beginning where there's like a bunch of spies that are always in a van or a boat that has a lot of surveillance equipment always on Angelina Jolie like what is she wearing and they go underwear or no underwear and then like they zoom in on her ass and the guy's like be professional and then the actual director of the movie just follows her ass down the street and you have to understand everyone she's talking to she's just doing the longest I fuck you know that thing like when she's ordering a coffee and she's that's that voice is she's like super trying to be so sexy yeah Frank yeah I was terrible she's doing this like really intense thing and he just is like nothing yeah he's

like plopping around literally saying dumb dumb lines like his character his character who doesn't understand like doesn't know the the language says things like instead of born Giorno he says banjo he felt to me like a sitcom character yeah it was like it's the tourist and he would like do stupid such shit like bulky from perfect it was exactly about it's true looking back it's like why did he not know how to speak Italian why was he speaking in the moment with her yeah that was the thing he kept up his character so well that he even when she's in bed he's reading a good dumb American spy novel like going back to his bookmark when he falls in the fruit stand like European fruit stand and then he's

like Los Siento he's like talking Spanish like what are you doing and then the whole movie is basically like this guy Paul Betney is chasing him oh the whole movie because he stole money from a gangster and then at the end he leaves the check for the money they stole for the gangster like the check for 744 million yeah who writes there's like some clearing house check ridiculous and they're like that we don't need to chase them anymore like why were you chasing him in the first place like what did this guy do that was wrong and also idea another twist in the movie is that Angelina Jolie who you think Scotland Yard is chasing the whole time is actually a member of Scotland Yard mm-hmm that was another twist that went

nowhere I didn't get that part either and I I have a big question what time period what if you had to put a year to this motion picture what year are we well they had only had electric cigarettes from like past two years electric cigarettes is like the big invention of it because that's what Johnny Depp is smoking until he likes to get a number well the 2010 right they were trying to play some like like old school movie but then they were like that's what was so strange I mean they were balls and swordsmen swordsmen he was like they they go he's just a swordsman a local swordsman like what they're like how the train was like so high tech every time I see a train that's like in Europe it's like built by Skynet it

like it's like flying at 500 miles an hour everything is pristine but the boat chase sequences were all happening like at speed limit yes yeah they were not fast on Wikipedia and it said like that they that Venice has like laws against like driving your boat to too fast so they were like on set all the time police officers so slow slow as well as both chases in history didn't this movie make a lot of money though did it you did some research on that right did it do I from what I understood it made more money for it's the highest grossing film that Johnny Depp's ever been in besides the Pirates of the Caribbean crazy see I think people were tricked because it looks like oh this could be a good movie but really when

you cut down to it if you took out all the sweeping shots of the cities and like the silences and the sighing and the pregnant pauses the movies like 20 minutes it's like this is a lot of just like I'm on a balcony yeah I'm over here I'm wistful it's like it's like a great travel brochure yes it makes you want to go to Venice and right on the train it's like the director was like I want to make a living postcard like that's what I want to do so boring it all right so how much was I have the stats right here so how much was the budget anyone have a guess for the budget on the movie well their salaries alone I mean take a guess 50 million okay I know it's a more I will say like 85 million

okay I I would I'm gonna go around like 75 million $100 million and then how much money did it make 2 million okay I mean 200 million all right I don't know I have no idea I would say like 300 million yes $292 million that movie made a lot of money overseas it has to be all overseas oh because everyone just wants to see those stars yeah yeah I think that's what it is there didn't need to have any plot there oh my god that's crazy that movie is a huge comedy hit that is the biggest comedy hit of 2010 oh my god and then I also love this movie also with all the bad guys where they're speaking English for the entire time and at the end they would go like they'd speak in their foreign language and it'd be like

understand but like it was like he spoke in English the entire time but then one word is just in a foreign I like how they were like maybe like 30 accents within the first five minutes they were like we need to shove Europe down people's throats like right away this is different this is very different even when they got that the bicycle like a bicycle messenger guy delivers a package to Angelina Jolie and they like they grab him he's like I'm Algerian then he was strange cuts though in this movie too like when Johnny Depp is pulled into Italian jail he walks in and there's this like beast of a man there and you think there's gonna be this like some sort of a scene no between them you cut to the next morning yeah don't

know what they set up these giant scenes that never pay off that's what it's like all right we're gonna attack them the train station and the train pulls a no no no don't attack them and everyone leaves it's a constant like hey you're gonna get raped in this jail so no no you're not it's fine he just went to sleep and you're nervous it is everything's a letdown even that last scene the action scene with just like four sniper shots or whatever right simultaneous yeah everyone and that was it yeah the end of the movie there being there being bad guys every bad guy standing in front of giant plate glass windows the end of the movie and that's the whole tension is will they take the shot or will they not take the

shot and then they eventually take the shot do you guys think that like a director is just too intimidated by those stars to give them direction like to tell Angelina Jolie to like yes tone it down like it's just like it's that was the worst acting I've ever seen in my life I will tell you that we knew one of the stunt guys who's one of the bad guys in the movie and he told me that Johnny Depp would say often like you sure you want me to do this yes yes you need to do it he's like yeah I know what you want it's not gonna work and he's like no do it this way and they spent two days twenty four hours shooting that scene in the beginning where she walks like through that little train that like the

little train like where she's walking that little plaza two days because he wanted to get it just right there's no dialogue in that scene it was pointless to pointless well she's also like really manipulating this guy like this guy she sets him up to be killed like he's in his hotel room they think he's this guy Alex Pierce and then you know Johnny Depp who is Alex Pierce then has like this really sloppy fight scene on the top of a building because you think oh he's just a dumb American tourist but he's not he's a criminal like he shouldn't be fighting the bad guys ago I don't ever punch her she's really like this I guess detective or copper or whatever she is and then she shows no skill though it's

like she does show up with a boat but that guy tries to jump on top she just takes a life-preserver it's like everyone plays like everyone plays an idiot for like and no one tells anyone of all time I also like the idea that they reiterate the premise about ninety times in the movie like literally she reads a letter and it says I'm gonna be on the train look for someone my height and size then three minutes later you hear the voiceover of her reading the letter again it's like yeah we got it we just it's a change of scenes now she's on the train she's gonna find that guy and then later on the movie is like she tricked she tricked us she found the guy his height and size looks like that guy it's not him

and then like later on it's like what happened well here's the deal you were tricked you were the same height and size like we get it we get this like the dialogue they do use they waste on repeating them yeah exactly yeah and then there were just strange moments like when the interpreter when the interpreter arrives in the van during the last like action sequence yeah the Russian interpreters are speaking in Russian he comes in puts the headset on listens for a second and says give me some context look like Latka he looked so weird he came in that was bulky that was a total bulky because he was so like and he goes like and then he's like he doesn't understand Pierce that was his big miscommunication like

Alex Pice Pierce oh Pierce Pierce like that that would be the one thing that as a translator you would understand because there's no changing of that if your name is Pearson American or Russian it's always Pierce I remember reading on the Wikipedia page this morning that when they announced it as best acting in a musical or comedy the whole the whole boardroom just started cracking up like they just said there was an eruption of laughter and everybody on the Golden Globe board just started laughing it's crazy because it was nominated for a drama and then the director said no it's a comedy so the director is in a comedy because Johnny Depp is so like I'm Frank Tupelo the school teacher from Wisconsin I love to that scene

were there at the ball and they're the bull and they're about to leave and then the dance number starts why do they have to start dancing and why do they know how to like be in step with everybody else because it's 2010 and everyone goes to balls and everyone has done this choreographed dance again Johnny Depp's character who's never danced oh that's a big moral of the movie that he starts to smoke again like smoking is good like instead of electric cigarettes he goes to real cigarettes like way when they go that's like the character progression of we have to go from like electronic cigarettes to regular cigarettes what I'm confused did he know he was the other guy from the beginning yeah he was the other guy he knew

that well he had to know well he's the guy if you got plastic surgery I'm not good at plot driven drama especially when it's like like I wasn't dumb enough to under like sometimes movies go over my head because I they just I don't understand how that could possibly make no sense it doesn't make no sense it's like he was always out here he was never a math teacher no no he's been the bad guy the whole totally right not together yes you should not understand his wife never died in a car accident yeah he's he's been her lover did she know did Angelina Jolie know that he is not a math teacher only at the end when he opened up the safe so she thought at the beginning that he was her ex no no no no she thought

that he was a man okay okay and then he got plastic surgery he got $20 million worth $20 million what do you do I really want to get into that number I want to break down I want to break down of what that gets you that's how much it costs like build a building that's like what is that he got his forehead moves his forehead is different and a voice chip that voice chip must have been at least five million dollars the voice chip that only apparently changes his voice from American to British like a British accent that's about it and maybe to look like Johnny Depp after starting this movie made so much money there's probably going to be a tourist too oh my god so maybe we'll get into the into his plastic surgery

his doctor was very happy oh man I love the scene too at the very end where the Russians are threatening to kill her unless she tells them where the safe is she looks all ravaged yeah she's a ravaged but it's also like why don't they look around for the safe if the safe is just in that room is it behind this book and it was like a huge insignia that was like obvious there must be like some kind of set and then the best part is when they take the knife and they're about to cut her and they put the knife right to her lips like right to Angie's lips as though we all know watching this that those are million dollar lips not her lips first of all it's like the bad guy from robo copper like Beverly Hills

cop was like you will find that being an ugly woman does not benefit you like that's this whole thing is like I'll make you ugly and then men won't tell you that your order is a great choice like that's really what they're like great choice on that order great choice oh and he was mad because the waiter didn't say his choice was great exactly movie is this I'm actually really confused I know I've brought this up before but what was the end game for Alex Pierce he was trying he was he was confusing her because he wanted her to know the real him I don't know yeah I am no I think he was down to earth he said is the best compliment oh we have to do the

why the scene yeah the scene is amazing do you guys remember it do it I can only I remember a little bit of Johnny Depp's lines and so you have to well he's always like go ahead Natasha do you remember do you remember Angelina Jolie's part yes all right well you do you do whatever you remember I can fill it in if you don't I am you are what does she say he's down to he goes like this he goes yeah the greatest compliment people give in my country is you are down to earth and like that like that's the highest compliment and then oh and then he tells her she's the least down to earth yes yeah then he goes and sees her on the balcony he's like you are the least down to earth person I've ever met go to bed Frank

is that what she said she kisses him and she kisses him really hard on the lips and then sets him up to be killed in the next scene how is that a how's that the compliment that is told to people in America like that's the number one compliment that should have been her first that's high praise yes yeah and also everyone's telling people out here also is she not down to earth though until that point she's pretty all she does is like just it's like a bad version of my gloves in the morning the most sexy scene is a scene where he's having a dream about or I guess like he she's getting undressed in her outfit and he's putting on his pajes like he's wearing like these like old man pajamas like out of like a 1950s movie where he's like all

right we've got to read his book but he but the sexy scene is like then he has a dream that he breaks into a room and then kisses her on the lips and then he's woken up by food service that's the comedic part and their kiss was kind of gross it wasn't even hot like you just kept worrying about that lipstick getting what about his like he grabs her hair like it was like oh so aggressive and like I hate this he put his hand like through that like that really crazy I don't think it's disheartening that something that bad made so much money 300 million yeah dollars because then they don't care I mean there's no incentive to make something to make a movie that makes sense I guess not yeah well I mean the big how about that one thing where he is in Johnny Depp is in a boat

surrounded by Scotland Yard agents there's about seven of them in a boat and he escapes from being in the middle like he is in the middle he's like literally in a circle of Scotland Yard agents and then like they're like oh well I guess that happened wait where did the Frank Tupelo go he just picked his on a five mile an hour boat yeah he picked his he picked his handcuffs and then immediately jumped up on the side of the building and crawled into the window it's like no one heard that no one saw him leave no one saw the handcuff guy in the middle of the circle get up and leave oh man oh boy oh boy I did love his stationery though Alexander Pierce's yeah it was very well that was the swordsman's stationery probably oh the swordsman was like hey look this

guy just texted me told me to show up and and he goes really you trust strange texts to just go anywhere and the guy's like not anywhere like oh if it was in like Canada no but it was in Venice I'll do this all how like how intense was Paul Bettany too he was like so crazy to me I don't understand what Paul Bettany was worried about like what was the goal of getting this guy there was no goal set up some backstory like he had personally been burned or something there was no incentive Paul Bettany's like you went deep undercover for two years and you didn't even get us a usable picture for what reason because at the end the other the old James Bond Timothy Dalton who's in the movie as his boss is like who gives a shit how many days like how many man hours do you think

Paul Bettany's character put into putting that letter back together for real he was in front of that computer the entire time just putting it back but that was like a two-day process I also like I also like the the one weasel that they don't even there's a weasel in Scotland Yard is like hey oh that's what Alex Pierce looks like he overlooks somebody's shoulder and sees like a picture of Donnie Depp and then immediately walks into another room and on his cell phone it's like we got him and I can call the bad guy who's mid-air like in an airplane they have no problem with cell service in an airplane yeah oh okay great turn the plane around we're going to Venice what do I own in Venice what do I own for what reason why you just go to the hotel like

what do you want to stay on my farm to make any sense and they all had different accents on the plane too like some of them were Russian the main guy was like had an English accent it makes sense how about that suit scene there's a beginning of that suit scene where it's like he's getting fitted for a suit it's like yeah how does this look is it too loose and then it's like and then they cut away and then it's like the guys come into the room but it's like just like a little moment just a moment of this guy getting fitted for a suit doesn't really play into anything more because in the next scene he's also in that suit and then he strangles some guy again it's so funny if you track that guy's character it's like what do I own in Vegas oh Vegas what do I own in Venice

and then they cut to him just trying on a suit like it's too long I own a suit tailoring story that's where I'm going well I'll get some suits while I'm there killing people and he also says he goes when someone crosses me I kill them their wife their children and sometimes their family doctor their family doctor what why is that guy going to be brought into the family doctor but maybe it was supposed to be a comedy maybe imagine like you playing the Johnny then maybe it works you know it's Johnny Depp just it doesn't match no Frank Tupelo man I don't I like he's such a suave character that we just don't buy it well here's my issue not that you're not suave no I know I take it I my issue with Johnny Depp is one when he plays an American now I don't believe it

anymore I know because we know he lives in France yeah and there's anything for Angelina Jolie like I don't believe that she's not British even though that British accent is really bad yeah she's just another robot so we went to you guys uh are listening and we said come up with a better title for this movie now uh these are some of the titles you've got mail John Hamilton came up with North by North Worst Patrick Moore came up with Frank question mark um of course there were just the simple ones which were just things like the snorest the boorest and the turdist which are all pretty good there are multiple ones I don't want to equate those but I think the best one that we got was from Ben Levine Mr. and Mrs. who gives a Smith and those are the best titles that you guys came

up with all right so final thoughts on the tourist anything that we didn't cover anything anything lasting impressions that you guys have 20 million dollars that's how the movie actually ends yeah they're on a boat they're on a boat on a sailboat Paul Bettany watches from a window from afar and she's like that's what you got for 20 million like oh which is also like it was just a weird ending what would you guys we want you guys title this movie if the tourist I don't think is a good title I'd rename it slow boat that's like oh that's just to me a summation of what the movie is do you have anything to oh god electronic cigarettes lips and split ends

Natasha chemo chemistry well that is it that is another episode of how to just get made thank you so much for listening we'll see you next time bye bye