How Did This Get Made? - Matinee Monday: Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt 1 (w/ Doug Benson)

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

If you’ve had the misfortune of being imprinted with Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, then please join us as we journey through the boring yet endlessly confusing relationship of Bella and Edward.... Doug Benson is our guest of honor and together we try our hardest to understand this love story that has captivated the tweens of the nation. Does Doug love this movie? You’ll have to listen to find out! (Originally Released 01/03/2012) UPCOMING TOUR DATES IN: Belfast, Dublin, Glasgow, & London! Go to for tix and info.Pre-Order Paul’s book about his childhood, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, wherever books are soldFor extra Matinee Monday content, visit Paul's YouTube page: Discord:’s Discord: Paul on Letterboxd: out Paul and Rob Huebel live on Twitch ( every Thursday 8-10pm ESTSubscribe to Unspooled with Paul and Amy Nicholson here: to The Deep Dive with Jessica St. Clair and June Diane Raphael here: out The Jane Club over at www.janeclub.comCheck out new HDTGM merch over at to find Jason, June & Paul:@PaulScheer on Instagram & Twitter@Junediane on IG and @MsJuneDiane on TwitterJason is not on Twitter

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Starting point is 00:00:00 It's a tale as old as time. Vampire loves a girl who wants to be a vampire, but that vampire doesn't want to turn the girl because that werewolf who loves her will kill her to protect his tribe. Plus, a baby eating C-section. We imprinted with just be a hater, cause you know you wonder how did this campaign. Let's all win the mediocrity of subpar arts. Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question, how did this get made? Hello people of Earthen, welcome to How Did This Get Made, the Twilight Breaking Dawn Edition. As always, I am joined by my two co-hosts,
Starting point is 00:00:42 Jason and June, how are you both? Good. Terrific. We have a very special guest today. This has been in the works for quite some time. You know him from his amazing podcast, Doug loves movies, please welcome Doug Benson. What up?
Starting point is 00:00:58 What up, all right, Twilight Breaking Dump, part one. Part one, thank God. I saw it. Thank God. I done did it. I was a man alone in a theater with other people. I was a man, I think I was the only person there that did not have a piece of hello kitty paraphernalia.
Starting point is 00:01:14 That at least the theater that I saw. I saw it in an empty theater. I saw it with a couple of women in there and there was one older woman probably in her 40s at the Arclight and when they announced, when they made the theater announcements, the usher said, and just so you guys know, there's a scene at the end for the credits, so don't leave if you want to see it.
Starting point is 00:01:32 And this woman goes, thank you so much for telling us. Yeah. It's so funny because I just am amazed that people are still going to see this. I mean, we've waited a long time to talk about it. But the theater still has people inside of it. This movie. So people just, you know, they get around to it.
Starting point is 00:01:50 I guess. They weren't that fired up for it, but it is a... Well, this was a cultural phenomenon. I think a lot of people are seeing it twice too. Yeah, and this was a movie that was like number one for many weeks. Yeah, it's a huge, huge, huge. I sensed a fidgety-ness amongst people though.
Starting point is 00:02:04 I might have just been my own because it's a huge, huge issue. I sensed a fidgetiness amongst people though, but I did misspin' my own because it moves at a snail's pace. Why put it up into two movies? Because you don't have enough. There's not enough happening yet. Here's why, I'll tell you why. It's like there's too much for the two Harry Potter's, but there's not enough for two.
Starting point is 00:02:19 It's because we've waited so long to see the two of them get together. That this is supposed to be a big deal that they got together and- That we've waited movies. It's so long to see the two of them get together. That this is supposed to be a big deal that they got together and- That we've waited movies to see them- We? We? Some of us.
Starting point is 00:02:32 Who is this we? Are you the twyhard? Do you read the books? I don't read the books, I've only seen the movies. I don't like reading. That's how I am about everything. I don't like to read. I have that way about everything.
Starting point is 00:02:43 Whenever somebody's like, do you read the book? No. I listen to it. As soon as I hear it's gonna be a movie, I'm like, don't have to read. I have that way about everything. Whenever somebody's like, do you read the book? No. I listen to that. As soon as I hear it's gonna be a movie, I'm like, don't have to read that one. I listen to the books on tape of Twilight, which are. Who reads that?
Starting point is 00:02:52 Some random girl reads them, and they are so horribly written, it is shocking. The books, really? The first book is written in the first person. It's written as Bella. Yeah, it's mental. You are listening to it like, it is, it's so terrible. It's garbage.
Starting point is 00:03:11 All right, well, I wanna talk about Bella, the movie opens with her voice over. But it sounds like at least in the book, she has some thoughts and ideas. Nope, barely. And expresses herself through words. Yes, and no, yes and no. If she's narrating the entire thing.
Starting point is 00:03:23 Well, but I wanna talk, her narration, the movie opens, her narration, the movie opens with her narration and it feels like someone reading in front of a class like a book report that they're embarrassed by. It's like, here I am, I'm talking. It's like, I'm like, what is that? She doesn't seem to ever commit to any of it.
Starting point is 00:03:37 She seems like she's acting from outside that like she thinks the Twilight movies are dumb. Her character is embarrassed by it. She's commenting on it as she does it. Like, well, okay, I'll do it. She's dumb. The poor girl has no motivation whatsoever. Things, she has so few lines of dialogue.
Starting point is 00:03:54 When there's one or more people in a scene with her, she doesn't speak. People are just like, Bella thinks this, Bella wants this, wait, Bella does this, Bella did that. But it's like there is no, she has no agency. Can I just go barefoot? That's like, that's her big. That was it.
Starting point is 00:04:10 I've been trying on these shoes for three days. I just can't get it. Oh, and so the whole point- I'm hopeless. Please, tell me just- I wish I could be hopeless for eternity. I wish somebody would take care of me forever so I don't need to make decisions.
Starting point is 00:04:24 Oh wait, my immortal husband will. I'm married at 18. So if you don't know what the movie's about, basically Bella and Jacob are getting married at the beginning of this movie. What? Bella and Jacob? Oh sorry, how dare you?
Starting point is 00:04:36 What are you saying? Wow, how dare you? You just lost all the people that care. Team Edward just freaked out. We all want Bella and Jacob to get married. You don't want Jacob? I know. Jacob to me is just a fucking interloper from day one. From day one.
Starting point is 00:04:51 There's no character like this in Romeo and Juliet, a guy that's just there. Well, if it doesn't work out, I'm fucking jumping on it. I mean, I guess there is. They sort of fight over. But at the same time, yeah, the John Leguizamo character, right? From the run of the chilean. But the, but I mean, yeah, like he, like,
Starting point is 00:05:11 but then like Edward brings Jacob to the wedding because Jacob doesn't show up because he's so upset that they're getting married. Like, why would he? Well, I saw it, I love it in the first, Jacob's shirt is off in the first five seconds. I was shocked to see his wear in a shirt. It was quite a five second. When it starts, when he comes out of the house, the first scene is. I was shocked he was wearing a shirt.
Starting point is 00:05:25 When it starts, when he comes out of the house, the first scene is him coming out of his house wearing a shirt and I was like, oh wow, comes right off. What's weird about that too is that later on, but he takes it off as he's turning into a wolf. But then later in the movie, like there's just a smooth transition from him to... Well, I wanna talk about this.
Starting point is 00:05:41 Oh, that has never made sense in the entire run. Like every Twilight movie is directed by a different person is just like well In my world of twilight, they don't have to take their clothes off first to change into an animal But the clothes always explode it goes like when they turn But then like Jacob comes Jacobs constantly doing laundry Right next to the incredible Hulk he and the Hulk go to the same laundromat I think that the whole wood that whole woods is this full of like little clothing drop-off
Starting point is 00:06:11 Because he like turns into a wolf He's a human turns into a wolf then turns back into a human and he has a two different outfits on yeah He either stopped at home or he has leaving shirts behind a rock And if he's the Mercutio of this piece, he should be dead by now. He shouldn't have lasted this long. The rest of the story is between, yeah, because it could be his relatives that wanna kill Bella if she turns into a vampire.
Starting point is 00:06:34 It doesn't have to be him. Jacob has one expression and it's this kind of, I don't know how you would quantify it. It's sort of like, it's somber and it's irritated. And it's like, I would describe it as he's, he thinks he heard somebody say something nasty about him and he's making the face that says, what did you just say?
Starting point is 00:06:57 Or he makes a conscious decision in his head. Or in his head is running over and over again. You're an adult, you're an adult. You're an adult man playing a wolf that turns an adult man is a wolf shape shifter Because when he shows up in the beginning at the wedding, yeah, which is already like really The wedding scene of this movie act one is a wedding. Well first It's like the deer hunter. It's the deer hunter all over again. A long wedding followed by nightmarish violence eventually. Eventually.
Starting point is 00:07:30 I hope the next movie is Heaven's Gate. It feels like three hours later. But all the movies, all these movies, the two that I have seen, it goes like this, like something big is gonna happen, something big is gonna happen. Well, if that thing happens, we're gonna be in trouble. And then that thing happens and they solve it and it's over.
Starting point is 00:07:46 But the whole movie, it's like, I just angst for the entire movie, just like, oh. G.A. Janks. Yeah, and the music just never lets up. The music is constantly saying this is, and when it's a happy moment, the music has to dance around and be happy. It can't just be quiet for a little bit.
Starting point is 00:08:00 No, it's never quiet. And you were talking about this before we started taping, but her dad, the Tom Scarrett clone, he's not Tom Scarrett, but he looks just like Tom Scarrett. Billy Burke as Tom Scarrett. He, they all go to this wedding. How do they not know these people are fucking vampires? That's what I couldn't figure out.
Starting point is 00:08:16 Does nobody know they're vampires? There's clearly a group of people at this wedding. Those crazy blonde ones show up. Dressed like the crazy Russians, dressed from the fucking 1900s. Their eyes are cat eyes, they're not even human eyes. I was like, what is happening right now? They move rapidly and crazily.
Starting point is 00:08:36 But then they cut the wedding, like you jump up into trees. They're so great, they're carrying those logs. I think the idea is like, cause they have several reaction shots of the guys and the real high school students looking at the ladies and I think the idea is like they're so beautiful the cullin and their and their family are so gorgeous we're willing to they're saying that all male models are vampires vampires only turn beautiful people into vampires.
Starting point is 00:09:00 This is how good but also I want to talk about the one guy, the one close-up that made me laugh so hard. They cut to Bella's walking down the aisle to like just like kind of a heavy overweight Asian man with a beard. I didn't see that. Who you don't like, who's never been a star? Like who's that guy? Like that guy deserved a close-up.
Starting point is 00:09:17 I don't know what that like. It was like, oh yeah. He's invited. This guy, you would think this would be a small little ceremony because the vampires don't want their presence to be known. They don't. Well, here's the thing that they struggle with.
Starting point is 00:09:29 Maybe he's a deputy with his dad or something. Maybe. Well, those are Indians. I did want that question answered though. It's like, what is Bella's plan with her family because at some point they're not gonna age. Yeah. Well, she's gotta tell them.
Starting point is 00:09:42 Okay, so does she eventually tell them? I haven't read the books. I haven't read the books. I haven't read the books. I don't know, I don't remember. They're all so in love with their daughter. They'll probably just think, it's amazing how she remains beautiful. In the books, both of her parents are wildly absent.
Starting point is 00:09:54 Like, her mother is never around because she remarried a professional baseball player and travels all over the place. And her father is so like a depressed sheriff. Why do you think they decided to go all family values and have them around all the time because that explains a lot of her behavior if she has no parents. In the earlier movies she is very much on her own and she like takes care of her dad, he's very unaware of what's going on around her. Which makes sense. Because he's too busy being Sheriff or whatever
Starting point is 00:10:25 because he's too busy just kind of he's I feel like we're dying in this town from being attacked by werewolves of that's the thing. They're not really they're not like the bad ones. Not. It's like it's a weird that what's weird about that. I feel like the Twilight series attempts to do something that is like really bizarre which is use these vampires and these werewolves to foster a Romeo and Juliet or a kind of classic teen romance story. Because in the beginning there's, there's like the threats come from way outside. Like the, the Cullens and the werewolves have a treaty that they'll hurt nobody in town and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's not
Starting point is 00:10:59 until some random interloper vamp bad guy, vampires shows up that they're like, Oh wait, we got to get rid of this vampire. Otherwise, you know. Oh, that's like the Michael Sheen vampire? Exactly. Yeah, which, uh. Who doesn't have anything to do in this movie? No, apparently there's something at the end of the movie which I did not see.
Starting point is 00:11:13 You didn't stay for the end credits thing? No, I didn't stay for the end credits. It's not even the end end. They like are hedging their bets now. Yeah, it's like, oh really? And putting it just after the credits that should have been at the beginning of the movie that they have to show twice.
Starting point is 00:11:24 I no wonder no one got off on my one got contractually with the director's guilt, the writer's guilt, the actors. Oh, really? Yeah. All those credit, you know, when they don't have an opening title sequence, you see all those names twice at the end. Oh, because you got to do it because you got to get it in there twice. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. And that's why there's a lot of times it'll be a very creative.
Starting point is 00:11:42 I was just watching Sherlock Holmes on the plane back from Florida and the end title sequence. Yeah, the second one's on a plane already. No, the end title sequence is really kind of cool, but it looks like an opening title sequence because it shows each character next to their name. And it's a really cool sequence. Like it's funny that the people that make movies, it's like they're scared, they're afraid of losing people's attention just during an interesting opening title sequence. Like, it's funny that the people that make movies, it's like they're scared,
Starting point is 00:12:05 they're afraid of losing people's attention just during an interesting opening title sequence. Oh no, you can't do title sequences anymore. It's like shit just has to start. Just jump in. Or the titles are over the activities of the first two scenes, which I don't like at all. No, I like it. Let's separate them. The very first shot is this weird shot where, not the very first shot is this which where not the very first shot but pretty early on where the cameras like panning over the roof of what is the house I guess where Jacob lives. But on the roof there's a you see a dumbbell sitting there like a little barbell or whatever that's what it's doing because it's raining.
Starting point is 00:12:39 I was like I was like these guys are so buff that they have to work out on the roof. If I happen to be on the roof, I want to have something there. And by the way, from what I understand, the premise of the movie is these werewolves need to live in the Pacific Northwest because it's not sunny there. The vampires, not the werewolves. Yes, the vampires.
Starting point is 00:12:56 But, oh yes. But they go to Brazil on a vacation. They go up to Brazil on a vacation where they are not protecting themselves from sun. That's the craziest part. These vampires have no issue with sunlight. Well, they don't really. That's one of the things they don't even have.
Starting point is 00:13:10 Sparkles in this movie. That's why it was yet so inconsistent. He's not sparkled up, which is usually my favorite. I think people really revolted against the sparkles. I love the sparkles. I love the sparkles. Really? What did you like about them? Well, they look like a diamond skin for a little while.
Starting point is 00:13:26 It was gorgeous. Yeah, he was really sparkly. I got to say in the other two, I think it was in the second movie, they made Edward a little too pale. In this one, his makeup was bad. He's pretty pale in this one. He's pretty pale in this one, but like,
Starting point is 00:13:40 in the last one, he looked like he had the kabuki makeup on. He looked like he had a white mask on. Her mother's mother's just like I'm so proud you're so beautiful and and You have you have nothing you have nothing Everybody's like nobody is being like is this weird or no no Everybody's like a hundred percent on board for an 18 year old getting married to marry the super pale dude who has super pale running through his family and friends. And the mother even looks at the thing on the wall and she goes, oh, isn't this cute? All their graduation caps.
Starting point is 00:14:12 So that's a joke because they went to high school so many times. So it's like- Which by the way, why would the Cullens keep those caps? Right. That's what I'm saying, that's a clear indicator. They get into art on the wall. That they graduated over and over and over again.
Starting point is 00:14:26 Why would they even bother going to school? Except, well, but also, but also the fact that the mother's onto it and does not put it together. Like, that's weird. Why would you have 50 graduation caps? How many child brides does he have? Yeah. And see, like, wouldn't it be great if in the next chapter it turns out he's been full of shit the whole time? Oh my God, that'd be amazing. He says a bunch of 18 year old girls
Starting point is 00:14:46 I really was like and there's something very unsettling about the fact that one of the reasons I feel like to get married is so that they can have sex. Oh, that's a whole thing and that's a whole reason mental Yeah, that's the craziest. What's the way to do it? It is the way to do it. Yeah, I can speak to that Oh, is that why you guys got married? Yeah, and we'll eventually have sex one of these days Oh, I also thought it'd be oddly offensive, like at one point. Consummate on the 10 year anniversary. That's what you that's what I was told. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:11 You you go to second base on five years and then third base on eight and then you at home run all the way on 10 years. The father at one point goes, hey, you want some champagne to like the Native American. Oh, my God. Page Dragon goes, hey, you want some champagne to like the Native American, oh my god. Page Dragon goes, oh, sparkling firewater? Sure. Sparkling firewater. Sparkling firewater.
Starting point is 00:15:32 What? What? That was the craziest. That's like the most racist thing like in a John Wayne movie. Like that was made this year. Sparkling firewater. It's bizarre.
Starting point is 00:15:42 All the things they say, it's, I kept thinking this is like a fever dream or a David Lynch movie. Well then they had like a De Palma movie where eventually shit's going to start to go down. Well when Jacob's running through the wilderness and he's having like a, like a fever dream crazy like, yeah, if faces are appearing to him and blood is appearing like that's where I was like, this is like some Kronenberg shit right here. This is crazy.
Starting point is 00:16:06 Well, even when they had that flashback where she's like envisioning her wedding and then she's in a pile of dead bodies. That was crazy. And you know, it's like, oh, this is gonna be cool. And then, no. Which, but let's ask June, which wedding dress was better,
Starting point is 00:16:17 the one in her dream or the one? I actually have a lot to say about the wedding dress. I feel like, no I do because I loved the second one, the real one so much. And I thought it was such a great choice to have her. That was like with the backless lace down to the crack. But it was sexy, but it was also really modest. Like the first one seemed just like, you know,
Starting point is 00:16:37 like I think girls were wearing a lot of like halter wedding dresses and stuff like that. Like I actually thought the wedding dress was beautiful and tasteful. What did you think about her lingerie? Her honeymoon sexy lingerie. She had some good outfits. Well they got.
Starting point is 00:16:50 That made me really uncomfortable when she was like trying to sex it up too. When she had a wedding. Well so that's what happens right? That was really uncomfortable. The message to women, the message to women from these movies. Oh she's a horrible role model.
Starting point is 00:17:01 Horrified. She's a horrible role model. She is, she has no agency. She has to beg to have sex on her honeymoon. Right Or she's a horrible role model. Horrified, she's a horrible role model. She is, she has no agency. She has to beg to have sex on her honeymoon. Right, because he denies her sex. And she also, when he's pointing out to her, the bruises that he's causing by having sex with her, she's like an abused wife who just, you know,
Starting point is 00:17:20 just wants to pretend that, you know, everything else is good. Here's what you guys don't understand though, is that women have an innate fear of men. So when they're with a man who knows they can hurt the woman, like he knows he can hurt her and she knows he knows that. Really? And the fact, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:35 That's exciting. And that is exciting because she also feels protected but wants it. It's like a roller coaster of sex. Yeah, because he broke that bed. When they had sex, he broke the bed around them. Absolutely, it's like a man who's a monster, but it's trying to like I get that female fantasy.
Starting point is 00:17:49 I see that I have no problem with, but she doesn't exhibit any of that. She totally disagree. Like I feel like her saying I want to go through that. I want to become a monster for you. She's in fact said she's told by the man like in a very patriarchal way. No, you don't get what you want. No, I decide for you. She's in fact said she's told by the man like in a very patriarchal way. No, you don't get what you want No, I decide for you. Yeah, we're gonna play chess Having more violent violent go after him and he keeps shutting her down But in the world that we live in women that are always the sexualized objects We're the ones that are wanted so So to turn it on its head,
Starting point is 00:18:25 like it's a complete female fantasy. I actually don't think it's, there are other reasons why it's like offensive to women. And it's a bad measure. It's funny though that they didn't show, or not funny, but it's typical that they don't show really the moment when he causes the bruises on her, right? They just don't show like the,
Starting point is 00:18:41 it just looks like nice sex except for when he crushes the end of the bed post. And even that's sort of like, well, if he could just crush something nearby and make love to his lady, he's good to go. Well, I mean, also, I felt really uncomfortable watching the sex scenes because I feel like they are in high school and they're viewed as being in high school.
Starting point is 00:18:59 It's like, ugh, it looks too much for me. This movie is a tween movie. It was my, yeah, it was definitely my high school prom experience turned into a movie. I wrecked that bed. And then the feathers are falling from the ceiling. The first sex scene is so like baptismal. It's like the two of them in this like water together.
Starting point is 00:19:18 Yeah. But then also if you're a kid, if you're like an 11 year old girl seeing this movie, like you don't really get to see them actually fucking. It's super crazy soft core. Well, yeah, but you're a kid, if you're like an 11-year-old girl seeing this movie, like you don't really get to see the act them actually fucking. It's super crazy soft core. Well, yeah, but you just know your idea of sex. He's even blocking your side boob. Yeah, he's even being polite and keeping her protected
Starting point is 00:19:35 from the camera. Like you could see him positioning himself when they're standing there. I know the exact shot you mean. I'm standing exactly the right way so you don't see anything. I'm about to see some tips. Let's do this. And I think they're both the kind of actors that if given their druthers, they would just be naked.
Starting point is 00:19:49 I don't think either of them are worried about that at all. It's just to get the rating. But she's so uncomfortable. I mean, then she's putting on that lingerie for the first time. That, like, her trying to pose. That's the way she's like brushing her teeth. Like, really, that's what it comes down to.
Starting point is 00:20:02 Shaving her legs. You think this guy might be like, ugh, what's with the breath? Did you have, what'd you do? Drink some sparkling fire water? That's disgusting. I like her shaving. I like that she's trying to pick out something to wear and then she goes to herself, don't be a coward.
Starting point is 00:20:16 What? Yeah, come on. What are you talking about? Be brave. Don't be a coward. Go show that vampire how sexy you are. I feel like it was a virginity. Yeah, but she's also afraid that like she's not perfect.
Starting point is 00:20:26 Well, he's good enough for him. He does get to choose between pretty much everyone. Yeah. He's immortal, so he could wait it out with any girl. But he did say, he goes like, he did say to her, and I was a little confused. He's like, do you wanna go swimming? She's like, yeah, can you give me a human minute?
Starting point is 00:20:42 And then that's when she's like, I didn't know they were gonna have sex like right away like that. I didn't know he would like go like take the- She's staring at the bed then that's when she's like, I didn't know they were gonna have sex like right away like that. I didn't know he would like go like take a... She's staring at the bed like that's where she's gonna get it. She's just preparing for sex and not preparing for going for a swim. Yeah, that's a three.
Starting point is 00:20:54 She should just say, oh yeah, let's go for a swim. Go for a swim. Then I'll need to freshen up. Exactly. Then we'll make the love. That's what my concern was. Because she's gonna have all that sea water all over. By the way.
Starting point is 00:21:03 You're gonna have to shower after. By the way, I don't think the first time you have sex should be in salt water. No! Yeah, that's just, that's the only thing. That's burning a lot of things. Yeah, that's cool. By the way, she looks great playing chess though.
Starting point is 00:21:12 Every scene where they're playing chess, she looks good really good. And that is a lot of scenes. She's very sexy in her different, she's got different shorts on each time they play chess. And then, and then so like they have this sex and then she's like she puts together after eating chicken that she thinks is bad that she missed her
Starting point is 00:21:31 period. She's missed her period. They've been there for 14 days. For 14 days. Yes. Which you don't know until they tell you that. It seems like maybe like two days of that. And yeah, because there's like really they played they played three chess games over 14 days. Yeah. They had sex once. They had sex once.
Starting point is 00:21:47 And you also never liked it twice. They liked twice. Because she gets on top of them that other time. Oh yeah, yeah. She kind of makes it happen. Makes it happen. You also never see them talking about anything other than the fact that like he's gonna,
Starting point is 00:21:58 yeah, or like he's gonna like change her. Like there's no other, there's no other moments of connection. There's no small talk. and again, we're talking This is a good 45 minutes of the movie. Oh, yeah We're doing and the honeymoon so far. This is all that has happened. Oh incredible how little happens Yeah, oh, it's shocking how much is just like almost musical montage the equivalent of everything is a musical montage She finds out she's pregnant. She looks at herself or or she's like, I think I've missed my period.
Starting point is 00:22:26 And then she looks in the mirror and she's like, oh my god, can this be happening? And her stomach is totally flat. And she's like touching it as if she's got like a full lung. Oh my god, the bump is here. Look at this bump. But it's kicking. Okay.
Starting point is 00:22:38 Then she starts immediately complaining about how it's kicking. Kicking, yeah. And it's like, wow, finally this movie is moving too fast. Yeah. Like they went from. Which it's like, wow, finally this movie is moving too fast. Yeah. Like they went from nothing is happening to like, now she's several months pregnant in the morning. And then, and then, and then,
Starting point is 00:22:53 cause that's what vampires do, I guess. I guess. With a human host. Well, I mean, look, we don't know what vampires do because even when Jacob is, when Edward's confused about this, he Googles like vampire baby on like the computer. Like it's like that same scene in Catwoman.
Starting point is 00:23:08 I was gonna say that's another trope we should start tracking. Like when you Google what's going on, like yeah he's like vampire babies. He's just like going through all the Google pages looking for what that means. It's not the same as like someone like fishing out an old book and like turning the pages
Starting point is 00:23:21 with dust coming out of it. Like it doesn't, yeah. I was terribly confused at the wedding when this is like the kind of thing that never comes up at any wedding, ever is the someone accusing the groom of his sexual murder the bride. Yes.
Starting point is 00:23:35 How bizarre is that with Jacob? It's just like, oh, you're gonna, are you kidding me? You guys are gonna have a honeymoon? Like they're getting married. He thought that, oh, that's just a ceremony. Oh, no, what he thought was, this is what he thought. He thought that once they were married,
Starting point is 00:23:48 he was gonna turn Bella into a vampire. Oh. And then have sex with her because then they could have sex. But then they imply to him that they're gonna have sex just right while she's still a human. Because she didn't wanna writhe around in pain on her honeymoon. Yeah, because turning into a vampire
Starting point is 00:24:04 is a very painful process. Yeah, so she's not ready for it. So what's that, get a regular fuck on first. Now meanwhile, for me, for me, I would rather just get turned and then go on the vacation. Why would Jacob know or have an opinion one way or the other about the order in which they're going to do it? Like he just kind of steps up and he's like,
Starting point is 00:24:22 you're gonna kill her! Yeah. Your dick is gonna kill her! And I'm doing it with so much more emotion than he did. Oh, by the way, so much more. He's like, fuck this. That's a better voice.
Starting point is 00:24:32 Fuck this. You're gonna kill her! I'm getting out of here. What are you gonna do to her? Hey, oh, can we also talk about that wedding speeches where everybody at the wedding gets up to give a toast. Including the groom. Yeah. Including the groom. Including the groom.
Starting point is 00:24:45 Big laughs from the grimace crew in any movie ever. They're all like laughing it up, like this is a really fun wedding. Like the father goes, I'm a police officer and I can shoot you if I want to be like, ha ha ha, but he's delivering it not as a joke. The mother is just inexplicably singing a lullaby. I like that.
Starting point is 00:25:02 That was so great. It was so weird. That was like Herman Cain singing to Barbara Walters the other night. Wait, I didn't see that. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And her fascinating people special, he just starts like, I don't know how they get into it because I just saw the clip, but he just starts singing to her.
Starting point is 00:25:16 One-on-one interview. What is he singing? She's something. I think it's something that he makes up on the spot. Oh, that's even better. I think he improvises a song. God. I gotta say, the shining moment for me, I think the person who walks he makes up on the spot. Oh, that's I gotta say the shining moment for me I think the person who walks out unscathed is Anna Kendrick. I thought she was actually really funny. I laughed at her
Starting point is 00:25:33 She's actually really funny. She brings some real actor commitment to her little kind of tossed aside role It's funny because she's not she doesn't know what's going on right? Yeah when you see her in comparison everybody else Oh, that's a relief. There's someone like having fun. Yeah, her character is like, they're getting married because she's pregnant. Like she's being all cynical about it. Like, girl, she's knocked up, that's why.
Starting point is 00:25:53 Yeah, she's like, oh, it's like more like people that have some life to them in this movie. They're all just so like, mirror. So she goes back, she's pregnant, but she's sick. And you know, Jacob and Bella have this scene where he's trying to convince her. It's essentially a debate about abortion. It's an abortion scene.
Starting point is 00:26:08 The whole, yeah, that's a whole, like the, as Jake Foglenes on Twitter said, it's the feel good abortion movie of the holiday season. But it's, yeah, it's all about this. Should she have this baby? Should she not? She wants to have this baby. Some of the cullin, some of the vampires
Starting point is 00:26:23 are calling the baby a baby and others are saying fetus. Isn't that crazy? And they call it thing too. At one point she's like, thing, like she starts to realize this is not a human. Guys, there's some heavy shit going on. Well, I don't understand. I still don't get the imprinting thing. Can you explain? Well, that's what I wrote down imprinting and I was confused about imprinting. This is the best explanation I could get. I found out, this is Taylor Lautner, again, explaining imprinting.
Starting point is 00:26:49 It was tough. It really was because first, you had to nail down what is imprinting. What exactly is it? So to completely understand it, I mean it was helpful because we had Stephanie Meyer on set with us. So trust me, we had several conversations about it.
Starting point is 00:27:05 Okay, once I had that nailed down, then it was what does imprinting look like? Visually, what do you do when you imprint on someone? Because they literally said, all right Taylor, there's an X on a wall, you're gonna walk in the room and imprint on the X. So that was confusing as well. So it was challenging on the day,
Starting point is 00:27:26 but I'm so beyond happy with the outcome. It's very, very cool. What is he doing? What is he doing? I don't know. I think what I got from it. Is that in the next movie that he imprints her? Well, no, he imprints in this movie at the very end.
Starting point is 00:27:40 He imprints her daughter. Well, when he falls to the ground, he starts crying. He imprints Bella's daughter on himself. So what does that mean? That means that he will, once you imprint someone or thing on you, you will always love them, you will always protect them. They will never be harmed and none of the other,
Starting point is 00:27:58 none of the wolves in his path. So you can imprint like a brother and a sister, but you can also imprint a lover too. Yes. All the people, it comes up in the conversation with the talk about, they say in printing a million times and they never explain what it actually is. With the wolves, it's, it's a conversation about having a boyfriend basically. Remember that, and Jacob, the little werewolf, a little, the little shapeshifter guy and Leah, the girl who are all the single wolves are looking
Starting point is 00:28:24 over at the wolves who have boyfriend, who are boyfriend and girlfriend. And they're saying they've imprinted. Don't you want to imprint? And the poor girl, Leah is basically like, that's like, I'm, I'm lonely. I don't, I want a boyfriend like, because every woman in this, in this movie needs to have a man define her. And she's just kind of like hanging around being like, why don't you imprint on me? Isn't it? Isn't it, it's more fun when you're imprinted, you know? And so it's basically like. It's like going steady. It's going, it's literally going out.
Starting point is 00:28:50 So he's going steady with a baby, with Bella's baby. It's basically the baby is his soulmate. Cause wolves are immortal also? I don't think so. Or do they die like that? I don't know. I think wolves can get killed. But, so he's gotta wait around until he's old
Starting point is 00:29:03 and hope that he can get seduced her?'t think I don't think he's gonna I think he's just imprinting his love and And we talk about the fucking best scene in the whole movie the wolf like the wolf Senate meeting that they have Where we're Jacob it turns into a wolf, they all run to a lumber yard. Wait, this is awesome, but Jacob has just found out that Bella is pregnant with the baby. Right, and the wolves need to kill her now because. He tells all the wolves, and they're all like, we need to kill her, and then he's like, wait, what?
Starting point is 00:29:41 No, I'm not doing that. So then those guys are the bad guys. Yeah. But the only reason they're gonna kill Bella is because of what Jacob told them. Jacob should have kept a stupid mouth. Shut your fucking mouth. Why couldn't they just stay in Rio?
Starting point is 00:29:55 Yeah. Why, you know, why just home- Well, they need to come back to that, that little doctor's office in their house. Cause Mr. Cullen is a doctor. You get the impression that, that, uh... By the way, they were never in Rio. That Edward is hooked up all over the world.
Starting point is 00:30:09 Yo, you know what I mean? Like he is just like, he could go anywhere and he knows people. Well that was the best thing. Oh yeah. I feel like either they went to Rio for the biggest waste of all the money in the world, or they were never there.
Starting point is 00:30:20 Cause I feel like the sure sign to show that you're never in Rio is this circle. I have a helicopter shot. Oh Jesus, statues. Of the Jesus statues. Like, oh,'re never in Rio is a circle. I have a helicopter shot. A Jesus statue. A Jesus statue. It's like, oh, we're in Rio. Yeah, for two seconds.
Starting point is 00:30:28 It's in Fast Five. There are a lot of aerial shots in this movie. I feel like every establishing shot is like a huge, like overhead shot of trees. Yeah, it all has to be very sweeping and big to make up for how it's an insanely small story. There's usually just things. Basically, this is what happens.
Starting point is 00:30:43 If you wanted to compact the movie, it's like she gets married on an uneventful marriage. Honeymoon, slightly uneventful until she finds out that she's pregnant. And then they're like worried about this baby. What's gonna happen to her baby? Worry, they're like worrying for a long time. Then she has the baby.
Starting point is 00:30:59 That's the movie. I mean, four. But then, how did she have the baby? Well, we are, yeah. We could say that, right? you've encouraged people to see the Movie oh, yeah, they can totally yes. Oh, yeah Don't want to see it yet can find out eight they ate the baby out of her he is the baby a mouth
Starting point is 00:31:19 and it's By the way, it's bloody but not People know that because even though has given people seizures I had an article here It says several instances of people saying they've developed seizures during the tense birthing scene have been reported the in theater Seizures also known as photosensitive epilepsy as a result of the blight for the bright flashing red and black white light during the nerve-wracking scene. So people are having fits during this movie. But that was, I was looking forward to the eating the baby out of her belly for a long time.
Starting point is 00:31:52 And then the baby's covered in blood, which then turns on another vampire, and she's like, and they have to like push her out of there. Yeah, because they- That was upsetting. She suddenly like, oh shit, oh, Dervis are here. That's a big part of the books. I remember is like just Bella's blood or Bella like there's an episode in one
Starting point is 00:32:10 of the books where Bella cuts herself right at the other throws her across the piano. Yeah. Well, that's the opening of the second movie. Isn't it? Yeah. I didn't see the birthday part. It's actually beautifully shot with. That's an amazing. It is. It's an amazing between probably the best looking movie I've ever seen. The two best scenes though are the eating the baby out of her, which is just amazing that this is in a kid's movie.
Starting point is 00:32:32 And just to be clear, you're not saying eating the baby out of her like sexually. No. You're saying using his fangs to rip her stomach open. It's still pretty sexual, cause they're good looking people. He's going down on her and ripping the baby. Hey look, if I could do that to you June I would do it. I'll read that. It's getting weird. What do they do with it? Doesn't he bite the umbilical cord? They show that? No they never show that
Starting point is 00:32:53 Well that scene was good, but I still think the best scene in the whole movie was the wolf talk All scene of CGI wolves in a lumber yard arguing with the worst voiceover of all time. So weird too, those wolves, like the scale of the wolves. Like sometimes they just look like regular, normal wolves. I kept waiting for Cuba Gooding Jr. to come into that scene. Snow you snow dogs, get out of here. Get out of this, Lumbier. Next to giant people, they all of a sudden look like,
Starting point is 00:33:20 oh, these are like monsters. Yeah, I want to see them. They make them, wolves, werewolves have been crazy big since like, werewolf in London. Yeah, I guess they're like, they turn into, they turn into actual wolves, but then also really big, gigantic one. Messes, yeah. Like, like a regular size wolf isn't enough.
Starting point is 00:33:39 If you saw that wolf running around, you'd be like, that's a fucking weird ass wolf. You'd be like, that's like a dinosaur. Like, wolves are too cute. Yeah, it'd be like, that's like a dinosaur. You'd be like, wolves are too cute. Yeah, look at a dinosaur. Wolves just look like doggies walking around, so they're too cute for a movie like this. But so that's what I have to do at CGI,
Starting point is 00:33:54 which then also means that could they not find a cute baby? Because once they deliver Bella's baby, that baby is CGI too. I thought there were a couple shots where the baby was a baby. I think the last shot where the baby's getting imprinted that she was CGI'd. Man, that's CGI in this movie.
Starting point is 00:34:12 And it's the baby from that Ally McBeal thing, the dancing baby. Yeah, he does dance a little diaper. That was fun. Oh my gosh. There's only so many talented babies. Oh, the babies. Yeah, the baby from Ally McBeal is a vampire. That baby's, yeah, the baby from Allie Beapfield's a vampire.
Starting point is 00:34:26 That's why he's still a baby. Okay, now. So my question is, is that baby a vampire? What is that baby? We don't know. Yes, it's, isn't that what he found out? No, because baby is more of her than it is. And she didn't turn.
Starting point is 00:34:37 Isn't that what he found out in his web research? I don't know, because she didn't turn until after the baby was delivered. So it's a human baby. So a human baby's gonna have 18 year old parents. That baby's gonna have some questions in a couple years. Like why isn't my mom and dad growing old? But if the baby is a vampire, won't the baby be a baby forever?
Starting point is 00:34:52 No, the baby's not a vampire. They grow up to be like adults and then stay there. Oh, really? Or do vampires just stay the age you are when you get bit? That's what it is. It's like Kristen Dunst in the interview of the vampire. So then if you're born a vampire, then what happens? You just stay a baby?
Starting point is 00:35:09 You're never born. There are no vampires born. That's the whole thing. That's why it was a weird thing for these vampires to deal with. Because vampires can just blast each other like crazy and never get pregnant. That's the best part, no condoms.
Starting point is 00:35:22 And you can just like come all up inside one of them But what that baby was born it didn't have vampire eyes Right no, she's not a vampire cuz he said he read the baby stomach like Jacob's all that are sorry Edwards able to talk to the babies like hey this baby is more you than me, so it's cool It's not a bad baby It's not a bad baby. But even if it's a little bit, they're never more vampire than human, supposedly according to these rules. These rules are really hard.
Starting point is 00:35:48 They're not hard. The touch and go. Obviously we had problems with this movie, but there's gonna be a lot of people who I feel like want to correct this. Who love it. And now it is time for a second opinion. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:35:59 You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? These are 5 star reviews from Amazon for Twilight Breaking Dawn.
Starting point is 00:36:28 Indigo Butterfly writes, I can't say for sure how many times I watched the first three Twilight movies. I know I saw Twilight and New Moon at least ten times each and Eclipse probably five or six. I haven't seen Breaking Dawn but I'm gonna give it five stars. Amazing. I respect that. And my favorite one, Donna Kay. I've seen Breaking Dawn, but I'm gonna give it five stars. Amazing. I respect that.
Starting point is 00:36:46 And my favorite one, Donna Kay. For me, this has been the best movie so far. I know I shouldn't like these movies because they're made for teens, and I am 55. But I can't get enough. I don't know how I'm going to keep myself occupied until Breaking Dawn, part two, next November. A 55 year old woman.
Starting point is 00:37:06 I would suggest to her romance novels. Yeah. She's just a woman who hasn't managed to notice that there are romance novels and she's finally found it. Oh my God. In another format. They're at their favorite market. These movies are so depressing and it gives me very,
Starting point is 00:37:20 it actually fills me with hope that the Hunger Games will become much bigger because the character in Hunger Games is such a badass woman, is so like catnip. There's definitely a better entry point for boys into Hunger Games, but then the trouble is it's so heavy, so violent that that might turn off the teenage girls. But the books seem to do well, so. They're great books.
Starting point is 00:37:43 Well look, at the heart of it though, it's a romance. I mean, I guess my question to you is like, what kind of agency are, believe me, there's so many detrimental things. But the part of me feels like, if I'm a 12 year old girl watching this, I'm probably thinking to myself, I never wanna get married, I never wanna have babies.
Starting point is 00:37:59 Like this looks. Yeah, cause shit goes bad. If that's what it's doing, then it's doing a great job. That's what a movie should be doing. Yeah, telling kids does not have sex. Don't have sex and don't get married and don't have babies. And God forbid, don't imprint on babies. Yeah, come on.
Starting point is 00:38:14 That's such a commitment that you just don't have to make. So much of this story. Instead of imprinting on a baby, go take a trip to the drugstore. So much of this story is a melodramatic, not interesting version of the first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yeah, it took out all the interesting stuff. It's without the weekly stories. Yes, it's just the ongoing, the angst.
Starting point is 00:38:35 The angst and jobber falling in love with a vampire. What does that mean, bub-bub? Or trying to set up, like in the second set of Star Wars movies, trying to set up, you know second set of Star Wars movies trying to set up You know everything that led to him becoming Darth Vader when you don't give a shit what led to him becoming Darth Vader You want a guy in a mask who's angry and hurts people? Oh, yeah Yeah, I did love that last shot of her eyes opening her vampire eyes. You missed that Can you tell us what the scene at the end of the movie was the Michael Sheen scene?
Starting point is 00:39:03 Yeah, oh, yeah, then they go to some credits and they come back to him being delivered an invitation to the wedding, I think. Oh. Or some sort of note saying that the wedding happened and that they're having a baby. That the baby was already there, I thought. Yeah, yeah. But he's getting sent.
Starting point is 00:39:20 Oh, maybe it's a letter from. It's a birth notice. Yeah, it's a birth announcement. But first notice But it's like it's a registry Babies are any reads it and he's just like the last line of the movie is something to the effect of I'm gonna go get that baby You know something like that It's like he just sort of looks right into the camera They do this crazy zoom from way far away And it comes in on it's certainly's certainly more exciting than the little added scenes
Starting point is 00:39:46 at the end of all the Marvel movies of late. Well, we asked you guys, the viewers at home, to play a part in this show and record your tagline for Breaking Dawn. How could you sew up this movie in a tagline, kind of like, he's back in Terminator 2? Was that a tagline? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:40:02 But we asked you to submit your answers. No, like in space, no one can hear you screaming. That's a good one. Yes. That's a good one Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water another great one And so we asked you guys to record yours on eardrop and you did and here are our favorites Twilight breaking dawn a weirdly similar title to the codename for america's continued involvement into rock Sandra debrow connor out Similar title to the codename for America's continued involvement in Iraq. Sandra Debro Kroner, out. Hi, this is Gil Garcia. Here's my Twilight tagline.
Starting point is 00:40:33 Twilight, a woman's choice between bestiality and necrophilia. Bella has to choose between keeping her baby and dying or having an abortion and living forever as a murderer. It's an allegory. The Twilight said, And those are our favorite eardrops. Thank you. The second one was so good. Love that second one. Um, anything else that we did not talk about that needs to be discussed. Who cares? All right. Well, I guess the Brazilian woman who's knows he's a vampire and is so's so scared keeps calling him a dean in the book That whole see I don't remember. I like those housekeepers. I want those housekeepers have their own spin-off
Starting point is 00:41:11 The vampire it's just it's just a movie that it's just doesn't it doesn't really It doesn't want to let you in if you're not if you're just not completely on board You just feel so out of the loop watch it Completely on board you just feel so out of the loop watch it regards Complicated it's not like it's be that hard to catch up. No, it's just nothing is happening You have to be so into these characters basically they tell you if she's gonna have practice she gets pregnant She's going to die and that's what happens. That's the whole movie It's like she gets pregnant She has a baby and she dies and then he bites her and she becomes a vampire, but that's the whole movie. It's like she gets pregnant, she has a baby, and she dies. And then he bites her and she becomes a vampire. But that's the only, the whole movie.
Starting point is 00:41:46 But that should be their fallback position from the first moment Jacob goes, you're gonna kill her if you fuck her. Well, yeah, then I'm gonna wake her up again with my teeth, Tifas. I'm gonna try to remember to not eat a big meal when we fuck. I like that you're bitter.
Starting point is 00:41:58 Oh, by the way, I also love that when she's, when she's, they've realized at a certain point when she's getting really sick and dying of this pregnancy that she'll's, when she's, they've realized at a certain point when she's getting really sick and dying of this pregnancy that she'll feel better if she drinks blood. So they put blood in like a deli like sippy cup. Yeah, it's like a big gulp that she's drinking. But now, if that's helping the baby,
Starting point is 00:42:19 then the baby must be a vampire, I guess. That's what I think we're gonna find out in part two. Oh, guys, so many questions. Some rules are made to be broken. We definitely are gonna have to do part two next. I can't wait, I can't wait. Next November. What a way, so long.
Starting point is 00:42:32 Also, such a long wait. I'm gonna totally forget about everything again by then. Is that what they did with the Harry Potter movies? Were they a full year of art? No, it was like six months, I think, right? No. I don't know. I just feel like, why are we holding it off?
Starting point is 00:42:44 It was November to July. Okay, why are we holding? Yeah, it was November to July Okay, why are we holding it off because the whole idea is like you'll make as much money? I think next week. Well, I think that they that you know, they're marketing geniuses have figured out that maybe Thanksgiving is a perfect weekend for it like that they can dominate again Whereas you know you go out in July or whatever, you're gonna go up and get some serious other popcorn movies. And then also that weird anticipation builds and people sleep outside like, yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:11 They just own Thanksgiving now. It's like Thanksgiving is them and things for little kids. Yeah, like Muppets and stuff. Holy shit, this movie. All right, well, you do Doug Loewe's movie, it's available on the iTunes and you're going on the Weezer Cruise. People can still get on that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Go to Weezer and come have fun with us and Weezer. I'm so excited that you
Starting point is 00:43:34 did this show with us. Yeah. Last. I love listening to it and being on it. Well, as always, you can follow us on Twitter. If you like the show, rate and review us on iTunes. And that's it! How did this come in? Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!
Starting point is 00:43:51 Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!
Starting point is 00:43:59 Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!
Starting point is 00:44:07 Here we go! Here we go!

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