How Did This Get Made? - The Quest w/ Jon Gabrus (Classic)

Episode Date: June 9, 2026

Jean Claude Van Damme’s directorial debut was 1996's The Quest, a.k.a. a more watered-down version of Bloodsport that takes place in the past and is not nearly as good. JCVD aficionado Jon Gabrus (Staying Alive, Action Boyz) helps Paul, June, and Jason discuss Old Man Van Damme, French clown Van Damme, if men should be flexible, the blimp, the child street gang, and so much more. (Ep. #133 Originally Released 04/01/2016) • Go to hdtgm.com for tour dates, merch, FAQs, and more• Leave us a voicemail at speakpipe.com/hdtgm• Submit your Last Looks theme song to us here• Join the HDTGM conversation on Discord: discord.gg/hdtgm• Buy merch at howdidthisgetmade.dashery.com/• Order Paul’s book about his childhood: Joyful Recollections of Trauma• Shop our new hat collection at podswag.com• Paul’s Discord: discord.gg/paulscheer• Paul’s YouTube page: youtube.com/paulscheer• Follow Paul on Letterboxd: letterboxd.com/paulscheer• Subscribe to Enter The Dark Web w/ Paul & Rob Huebel: youtube.com/@enterthedarkweb• Listen to Unspooled with Paul & Amy Nicholson: unspooledpodcast.com• Listen to The Deep Dive with June & Jessica St. Clair: thedeepdiveacademy.com/podcast• Instagram: @hdtgm, @paulscheer, & @junediane• Twitter: @hdtgm, @paulscheer, & msjunediane  • Jason is not on social media• Episode transcripts available at how-did-this-get-made.simplecast.com/episodesGet access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using the link: siriusxm.com/hdtgm Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

It's like Bloodsport meets Bloodsport, but in the past, and with slightly less kicks to the balls. We saw the quest, so you know what that means. Now it's time How did this get made I'm gonna have a good time Celebrates and Failure Not just be a hate this campaign Let's follow in the mediocrity

Of subpar art Perhaps we'll find the answer To the question How did this get made? Hello people of Earth And welcome to How Did This Get Made I am your host Paul Shear joined as always by Jason Manzukas

How are you Jason? I'm good Paul How are you? Very good And June Diane, Raphael How are you, June? I'm good, how are you, Paul? Very good, thank you for asking

We have a very special guest joining us today. Guys, dial down the heat. You know, look, you know, we can't control the chemistry that's coming out of these microphones. God, everybody listening is just so turned on. June, I hope you have a great podcast. Thanks, you too, Paul. Thank you so much. Oh, God, get a room.

Great, now everybody's pushing Paul. to just jack it. And that is our hope that you do this at least three times during this episode. Welcome to the Jack cast of how did this get made. I actually think we were written up on the Onion AV Club as a podcast to Jacket too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They have podcast.

And now they have Pod Jack. Yeah. Pod Jack. All the pods worth Jack. We do not have that. We don't. Guys, we don't. Much as they like you to believe that we have something for pod jacking, we do not.

Now back to our coverage of Gimlet shows. We have a very special guest today. You might know him from Guy Code. You might know him from the TV show Younger or his podcast, High and Mighty. I consider him a Jean-Claude Van Damme officiado. Please welcome John Gabris.

Oh, thank you for having me. Gabris! Good you see, everybody? A long time coming. Oh, yeah. And I consider myself a Jean-Claude Van Damme officinado as well. Well, when I wrote you to tell you, to ask you to come on the show

and I told you the movie, you said... No, you told him. I told him, you come on this show. That's Paul Shea right there. He writes it. He says, you're coming. On the show. I dictate it.

Well, people were, there was an uproar because we just did Bloodsport. That was the last episode we did. And they said, we're going to say uproar in quotes. It was an uproar. A podcast uproar. A podcast uproar. That you were not involved in the Bloodsport episode because of your die-hard love of Bloodsport. Die-hard bloodsport fan.

Die-hard J-C-V-D fan, Seagal, all what you think. This is your jam. Yeah, I was born in 1982, and the. early 90s to late 90s, I was taking karate classes. I'm all with you. My dad had a ponytail. Like, we were just, I was full-blown martial arts white trash. I was obsessed.

I love that part of your, part of your backstory involves your dad having a ponytail because I started taking, I started taking karate classes. And then he joined after watching one of my karate classes. That's amazing. That's like, and we're both from Long Island, and that's a very Long Island dad thing to do. Like, now I'm getting into it. Can I ask you guys a question? Do you think your dad got into it because he couldn't handle the idea that you might be able to beat him at something?

And he was like, oh, I got to learn these skills. So if he comes after me, I can shut this kid down. Yeah, he can't be the man of the house. Yeah, too early. My dad's like, he's going to get me back for beating me all those years. My dad, I took a karate class in Long Island, but my dad was a dad who was like, we should get out of this one. Because the dojo closed down. Then the guy started doing classes in his house.

And one of the classes was he had a bucket of sand. Oh, the hand tough. And the hand, yeah, the hand. And my dad's like, what do we do? I'm not paying to put your hand in a buck, like a straight down. I don't even know what that is. My karate classes were in a dude's garage in Freeport, and he was a Vietnam vet. What was in the bucket of sand that you were touching?

Well, it's like strength testing. It's like sand in the bucket. And you just put your hand and you press your hands into it over and over again to toughen up your joints and the skin on your hands. So you're just like burying your feet. fingers in the sand. You're jamming a hand into the bucket of sand and pulling it. It's like wet sand.

No, it's dry sand. Yeah. You're just trying to get us further and further in so that your fingers and hands toughen up and strengthen. Yeah, it's not a good idea, especially for a child. Of a child should not be doing that. Yeah, it's like breaking boards. I'd be much more into a wet sand hand jam than a dry sand hand jam.

Wet sand feels like you would break a finger. I mean, I guess if you're a pussy. Maybe you're right. So when I asked you to do this podcast and I told you the movie, You replied by saying, it's your 11th favorite John Claude Van Dam film. Can you run down the top ten? Do you know them? I don't off the top of my head, but I could tell you that literally almost everything up to including double team knockoff and sudden death are all ahead of quest in. Well, death warrant, double impact, hard target.

These are all like these are some. Universal Soldier 1 and 2. Universal Soldier 1 and 2. Cyborg, the precursor. Street Fighter. Street Fighter is was a bad. movie. Yeah. Oh, really?

When I was a kid, though, all these other movies weren't bad to me. Yeah, sure. You know what I mean? But I think that this movie that we're about to talk about was like, for me seeing my dad cry for the first time. It undid. Like, I was like, oh, maybe he's not good in anything. Well, this is an interesting movie because

there is something really amazing about Blood Sport. We just talked about it a bunch, and we didn't get to hear June's opinion on Bloodsport, but you can maybe share some of it today. But it was great because it's like, the height of everything. But now this is kind of,

and I was thinking about this on the way over, this is like Jean-Claude Van Damme's independent movie. Like, it's like his, like he's making choices here. He's directing it. Poorly. Poorly, I might add. He is teamed up with Frank Dukes. And if you haven't read the article on Frank Dukes on Slash Film,

it will blow your mind. But Frank Dukes, again, to write this story. But it's very, it takes away all the fun of Van Damm, but then replaces it with, like, acting Van Dam. It takes everything that you liked about Bloods.

This is the dumb and dumberer of Bloodsport. Like it takes everything you liked about the original and waters it down and makes it.

It's so repetitive. It's so similar to blood sport, but so worse. Like it's not, it's not ratcheted up in any way.

Well, yeah. No, you would think the move would be like, okay, that worked. So let's take that and let's add this other thing

and make it even better. No. Let's subtract a lot of interesting stuff to split the buns, the you know, like a bunch of, there was no buns. I thought the buns were

no splits. There was no splits. I was glad there weren't any splits. I learned something about myself watching Bloods Sport, which is I'm very uncomfortable and I'm looking at this, don't worry, but I'm very uncomfortable seeing a man in a split. Really?

Really? It does something to my insides where I feel like stop. You have to turn a way when Paul is doing his young. When I'm practicing in the morning. If I found a flexibility in a man, I don't like to see. Really? You would like your men to be unable to stretch very well?

You can't touch their toes. Now, Paul has no flexibility in his legs. Thank you. And we've heard the electric sexuality that is between you. His legs are like. We don't have to get into my flexibility in this podcast. Yes, I don't have great flexibility. Well, my pictures are Paul.

legs in the show notes. That's why I will show you. We've worked out together a bunch and the trainers are shocked that he has zero flexibility. Well, that's why we don't do. He has like tree trunk legs. Like they don't give. They don't go anywhere. Yeah, I will say this is why we don't do video podcasts is because Paul's, none of Paul's

joints are flexible. No, I am standing. He's leaning against the wall at like a 45 degree angle. My legs are the size of grutes. I have two roots for legs, and it's very difficult. I don't know what it is, but seeing a man in splits like that for so long, and it's interesting, too, because I do like male gymnast. I think that's a nice physique, and I can appreciate that.

But seeing him in splits was so upsetting to me. So I personally was happy there weren't any splits in this. But let me ask you this. You look, June. I'm sorry. Do you mind? If you were to be in a yoga, class or something and a guy was to show himself to be very flexible. Would you find that unattractive?

If I'm going to be very honest. I would ask you be only honest. I don't. Again, I realize it watching. A symbol of a healthy body, the flexibility of one's joints. And you are like, no thank you, Barf. In a man. Yes. I don't. You're old school. That's old school. You're more of a Jim Barney Now, let me ask you this. What if he's very... I don't know why they're so flexible. You don't know why? I don't know why.

You don't know what is transpired? I don't know why they're spending their time getting that flexible. But I don't like it. It's the sign of a wasted life or a man not providing if he can be that flexible. He's like, clearly just working on himself. By the way, maybe it's a primitive thing where I'm like, what's going on in your groins? Like, are you... What is happening to?

Is your problem, like I don't know. Is your problem that you find flexibility to be feminine or you're worried they're hurting their dick and balls? I think maybe a little bit of both. Interesting. It's like put you in a very weak, terrifying position to be that open. Like your taint is completely like that. It's just, you're smashing it onto the ground. And I always think about how your balls feel because your balls at that point are hitting the ground before your leg.

Yours would. Yeah, mine, yeah. Yeah. But, like, as you're going down, well, I guess if you're not doing it on the ground, he's always on chairs. I'm assuming, I'm assuming, well, no, no, he does it on the ground, too. Oh, right. You should sort of sit on your, no, I've stretched Paul out a number of times.

I don't know why. Please continue. Please continue. I don't know why my flexibility is on trial here. This is not a show about, how did this get stretched is our spin-off show on how, and it's all about stretching people. It's behind a paywall but you're going to love it. He's asked me to stretch him a number of times and I have done it and I

want you to know I've given it my all. I haven't held back from trying to make you more flexible. You have held back. I haven't. I have not. I have not. I want you to know that. Aren't you a little concerned that he's going to become too flexible and you're going to lose it for him? No, no. You just need to be able to bend down and pick up that soda can.

Yeah, I can bend down. Please don't think me of someone who can't bend down. You're like Rowan Gardner and rookie of the year. A lot of people, I have noticed that you, in order to pick stuff up off the ground, you have one of those grabbers. Yes, of course. But because it's just a, it's cumbersome to get down and pick a penny off the ground or anything. So, yes.

Also, like, maybe leave the pennies. I mean, like, if it's heads up, if it's, Jason, if it's heads up, that is good luck. And I am not leaving good luck out there for anybody else. Not until I get my 12th TV show will I stop picking up pennies off the ground. Get me my grabber. Get me my penny grabber June you asked how are we with flexibility I would like to say I am

surprisingly flexible for six foot two 300 pound guy It was that karate It was I did a lot of martial arts When I was a kid and was really into it But you can't do splits I can't do splits but I can sit in a full squat You know I could do like the paleo chair

I think it's just splits I can do that I mean Jason can you do a split No I can't do a split but I am very flexible Really How flexible are you? I'm pretty flexion. He could do the French oyster, but he could do the French oyster, which is a very good...

I don't even know what that is. The French oyster, if there's anyone in the world I thought would know what a French oyster is, it would be you, Jason. Oh, man, I feel bad now. It's a French thing. It's not a fingering position, so you don't know that. That's a hard pass. I remember the French oyster from my parents, the Art of Love book. You remember that?

Oh, my son. They, like, had it up, and I took it off the shelf one time. Like on an upper shelf when you were like... Wait, there are books up here, guys. Yeah, for those you listen to this, before the internet, you used to have to jerk off to your mom's stolen books. Yes. Like the new our bodies themselves.

Yeah, yeah. I just saw somebody walking around the other day, and I was like, how do you find this acceptable? It was like a black t-shirt, and on the back it was just a bunch of sexual positions. Like, and it was like, yeah. Like, and I guess, like, when I was a kid, we were wearing, like, these big Johnson t-shirts,

which were really funny. Soccer players do it for 90 minutes. Yeah, like, like, But I just thought that was such a funny, crazy thing to be like, I'm going to put this. I'm going to put on my sex positions in a shirt. Because I need people to know that I need a visual aid to tell me how to fuck, and I'm going to put it on my body.

And it's basically like treating other people like, I need to help them. Right. Because I know this. It's on my back for you. I endorse this. When you're waiting in line at 7-Eleven, you can pick up a few points. Before I go in the room with my wife, I like to look at the back of my shirt and go, all right, number 6A is what I'm going to do.

So, all right, this movie, like, going back to the idea that it is very much the same exact idea of Bloodsport, taking out a lot of the fun. It's eight years later. And the first thing that, well, first of all, it's a period movie. When I thought, saw that. When that comes out just 1920, I'm like, why does he have to do this? I got excited. No, so I remember seeing this one as a kid. The two things that broke my heart were PG-13.

If they came up in a movie that I was about to watch, I got so mad because that means no tits, buns, or murder. Well, you could get buns in a PG-13, right? You could get buns, I think, for a quick flash. Dude buns. Dude buns. Yeah, dude buns. But maybe it's a different time. And then when it said 1920, I was like, oh, fuck this movie.

Because basically a period movie and an action movie, besides the untouchables or something, it takes away, you know the fun is not going to be there 100%. Well, I mean, like, you know, there's a version of this movie. Like, I, for example, loved, like, the movie the... By the way, I just saw it of like 10 examples where I'm totally wrong.

Yeah, like I loved the movie Ungbock. Right. Right? And that's like a period movie. Yeah, yeah. It's a Muay Thai fighting movie that's like amazing, like unbelievable fight sequences and it's like in the past, you know, in like a distant past, blah, blah, blah. This could have had the fun of that.

It simply did not. Well, and... Well, go ahead. No, I was going to say I did fall asleep for 15 minutes of the movie. Yes, you didn't miss much. So I have to... That's a major...

disclaimer and I had a very hard time. I had a very hard time watching this movie. I was really checking out a lot. So forgive that, but I could not follow this. I could not follow. I actually want someone to distill what the, I do have a couple. I do have a couple of plot point issues. I think before we even get into the main meet, we just have to talk about the opening scene, which is amazing. You mean the bookend? The old man? Yes. Old man Van Dam. You can tell that Van Dam directed this movie because he's trying,

there must have been 20 things he wishes he could have done in movies and he does it all in this movie. That's what I think is so fucking interesting about this movie. It's like, all right, here is, it's like every, it's like, I'm an action star, but this is my chance to show people they're wrong about the muscles from Brussels. I'm also the actor from Brussels.

And the director and the story buy from Brussels. Yes. And so he comes in an old man makeup and then, you know, in this weird sequence with like a very prominent schlitz sign, almost distractingly so giant neon sign. I thought when I saw that, I was like, oh man, you get like brand sponsorship

and this movie could only get Schlit. We'll give you 80 bucks if you put this neon sign up in the back. Four six packs and $80, so whatever you want. And then like characters that are straight up out of the Warriors walk in. That's a great 90s movie trope, though, is that the bad guys, because they didn't want to make them all black

or all Latino in those gangs, where it's just like one of each race and they all dress like cyberpunks. Yes. That's like every movie, yeah. The most threatening they are is a switchblade. Yeah, they always have a switch on. Come on, old man.

Give us the money. And they come in a fraction of a second after John Clubbantam does. And an empty bar that doesn't seem like, by the way, even if they took the till of that bar, where do they take it? Like 25 bucks?

Yeah, math. Why don't I put a lot? little bit of whiskey in that coffee, huh? I was like, who the fuck is this actor? He's like looking down the barrel saying, they, not fair to Irish people in this movie either,

because he's a little Irish in that movie, and the cops are super Irish. That whole, I mean, I don't want to keep power to far. But after this scene where we see old Van Dam, we see the other Van Dan that he always wanted to be French Clown. French Clown Van Dam.

Yeah, Arlachino Van Dam. That was, when I was I remember seeing this when I was a kid. First of all, this came out the same year as Bloodsport 2. How fucking weird is that? They both came out the same year. And he is not in Bloodsport, he's not in Bloodsport, too.

This is like a spiritual sequel. It's the 10 Clover Field Lane. And that broke, this broke my heart. I saw this one in the theaters. Bloodsport, I watched on VHS. I saw this in the theaters. And when my fucking idol, the muscles and Brussels, this guy's such a bit,

when he shows up in clown makeup and like fucking period gear. It's 1925. And he's on stilts. He's wearing like a newsy cap. and has like French clown, like a Macel Marceau face. Yes, like Maim face. Yeah, yeah. And then he stands up and he is on stilts.

And I just about lost my mind. It's just, he so clearly wanted to do that. But also doing a joke too, because I feel like when he was sitting down, he's getting his shoes shined, but to be on stilts. Yeah. Like I feel like in his mind is like, it's a joke. He also is the leader of a gang of street children. He's like, Fagan. He's a bad guy, right?

Does he think he is? a child? Well, I want to get into his journey for the entire movie. And this is why I was really baffled. Okay. And this is jumping ahead a little bit. But when we find out that his mother died and I guess sent him to America with a governess who I think then. Abandoned him.

She just straight up. She gives him a note and walks away. She's like, you wait right here. I'll be right back. Gonzo. But did anyone else, are we supposed to believe that that what you're going to? she read was not actually in the note. Because he picks it up. He picks the note up. I thought he would like at some point

pull the note out of his pocket or something. At this moment we should also probably say that none of this ever comes into play in the film whatsoever. This flashback is exclusively for Van Dam to work out mom's shit. That's what so strange is that you have no idea what I don't know what he's after for the entire movie. I really don't. I don't know. And again, maybe it was in the 15 minutes I missed. But keep on changing. Yeah. I don't know if he does really want to go back to America to be with the street children. I mean, is that it? Yeah, I think he wants to go back to America to rescue the street kids.

But he does leave them for a couple of years. Oh, easily. But this is at a time where years met nothing. But here's my question. He seems to be the leader of a child gang. Like Fagan, like go out and rob the rich and bring it back to us. And that to me seems like he's a bad dude. No, he's not a bad dude.

No, that's like a, he's telling himself as a little bit of a Robin Hood in the situation, I think. And he's stealing. from like the mob. Yeah. He's stealing from like bad guys or whoever. So he's a right. Yeah, so Robin. Can we listen to John Claude Van Damme talk to children?

I don't think you can criminalize street children anyway. I mean, even if they were just stealing from... Wait a second. Because what you're implying is that like even Fagan and the street children and Oliver are bad somehow. Well, I think Fagan is bad. Okay. You don't think Fagan is bad? I don't really remember Fagan.

I just remember... I feel like Fagan's like, hey, kids work for me and I'll give you some food and stuff. stuff like that, but we'll steal money. Oh, okay. I feel like that's what he's doing. At what age does a criminal, does a child become a legitimate criminal June? 18. 18.

Up until 18, kids can do whatever they want. Street kids, specifically street kids. If you have a house. Your urchins, your newsies, they can do whatever they want. So they're free will. Your hoodlums, your no good. Your vaguelys. Which I believe is when they're tried as adults and not juvies.

Okay, so juvies. Now, what we have not realized about June, yes, I have a lack of flexibility, but June also was a juvie. She went to, how many years did you do with juvie? A few, a few. But so you believe that as long as, like, these kids aren't criminals because they're not, they're only being told by Jean-Claude's the criminal. I don't think he's a criminal. I don't know why you're saying any of them are criminals. He's trying to feed children.

Wait, but wait a second. He fights police. He, like, kicks a policeman in the face. Those, okay, that police force, by the way, was opening. up fire with machine guns on children. That was the mob. That was the mob. By the way, we want to talk about that.

The police were the ones like, all right, Dubois, get down, wrong. Everybody knows Chris Dubois. They're all Officer Crumkees, right? They're all like, listen to the Irish cops. This is here and their voices. They're pretty great. Du Bois, I want you and our kids off the street. I made it, Dubois.

This is it. So that's a little taste of what their voices are like. But he, he, uh... I don't want to get into, like, police politics here, but I do feel like to... You don't think this is the place to... I don't think this is the place or the time. But to say, get your kids off the street. I mean, where should they go?

What resources and services are available to them? He's clearly a criminal that's running a child criminal. He's doing it. Literally. For them to pick pocket people, right? And I think that's what... They're stealing from the mob and they're getting food. But doesn't make a difference what they're doing with the money.

They're still stealing it. Okay, well, show me the social services that are available to them. This is pre-new deal. This is pre-new deal. This is pre-new deal. So there's not a lot of social services. This is okay. I believe, and I might be wrong, but I think that all of these boys that he's running with eventually mate with all of the girls that are in Annie.

Yes, yes. And by the way, I do want to be fair. If you are listening to the podcast, you should know, and we put this disclaimer, here that June does run an organized group of children to do her bidding and kind of stealing and so like that. And because she knows that legally, they cannot be held responsible for anything they do until they are 18. What's the oldest person in your group?

You remember, by the way, when we were watching the scene, I said, if a child gets hurt here, I will have to leave the room and stop watching the movie. I mean, I felt so deeply for those little street urchins. But lucky for you, nothing in this film has consequences. That's true. Like literally. Let's listen to JCVD talk to kids. This is a great speech.

So he just come and they rob the mob and here we go. Wow. Did I tell you what? We're rich. With this, we buy respect. If we want something, we take it forever and never. These are not good life. I'm just realizing something right now.

That's also not how money works. I think, and I hear now in this speech why you think he's a bad guy. Yeah. But I do think. think what must have happened was that governess or whoever that was left him. He was a street kid and probably had his own gang. And those kids that he came up with, who knows what happened to them. And he just stayed within the community of street urchins.

And he like rose to the top as a bad guy. As a 38 year old. He's not young. He is not young in this movie either. Like what is going on? Like, is he dating from this pool of children? Like, what's going on? And he's basically saying, if we're,

Now we have money, and now whatever we want we're going to take. Not buy. If we see something, we'll take it. This buys us respect. That's not how it works. Forever and ever. These poor kids are being so misled. That's a bag with like $9,000 in it.

Which in the 20s, that's a lot of money. But that's not in perpetuity. They're not investing in that. And there's like about 30 kids in there. Show me their road to opportunity. I don't know where it is. Every single one of these kids is on opium by the end of the movie. Like in the two years that he's away, they are all dead from opium.

That's what's, like you said you fell asleep for 15 minutes. I did not, but I thought I did because I kept going like, wait a minute, how did he get to this island? That's what I wrote. What about the kids? And I kept like going like, does he revisit America? I've rewounded it. They also keep giving us, like, time markers. Like when Roger Moore says, says to him, okay,

There's going to be a boat to take you back to America in a month. The next cut is six months later. And it's not even too Van Dam. Nope. The cut, you never see. They're like, when they, now we're pushing ahead, but they're like, he's become a Muay Thai master. I'm like, we saw him carry bamboo.

Yep. And then cut six months later and he's like, you're the best fighter we've ever had. And here's the other problem with it. The movie opens, after the old man image, it opens with these scrolls being delivered all around the world. And so. Love. By the way, love the.

this. The scrolls in the beginning were... My favorite is James Reimar gets his scroll inviting him to the match and has to open it while wearing boxing gloves. And the way that they'll deliver these messages, it's kind of great. There's a dinner theater fighting

experience where people are like... The French guy in suspenders. It's amazing. But everyone gets delivered these scrolls and then I'm assuming because it's like scroll, scroll, scroll, that when we see Jean-Claude Van Dam all of a sudden he's going to have this running with the cops and then someone's going to beg, here's a scroll.

No. No. Then he has a whole plot. He goes on a boat. Let's say conservatively he's on that boat for at least a month, maybe two months. Oh, much more than that. Enough to get that little. Right.

Okay, from New York to Thailand. From New York City. He stows away on a boat, becomes a boat slave. Yes. For months. So, okay, so we say, let's say conservatively three months. All right. Conservatively.

Are you saying conservatively? Yeah. Conservatively. Three months. As you pointed out on that boat, he's just simply moving like. Oh. Why is he moving? Wait, especially, that's clearly more than a month into the boat right there.

You know what, let's get those sand. We got to rain today. We got to bring those bags downstairs. Like, why? Why? They're running guns from New York under the auspices that it's grains from New York. And that's the other crazy thing is Van Dam. They're like, a 10-year-old kid goes to Van Dam who just got shot, who is shot by a gangster.

By the way, took a great bullet. It was a real kid The reason he got caught was he was looking through They were arguing Van Damme And then he just shoves the boxes He's standing behind It's not like a cliche Like where a cat makes it noise

He just shoves the boxes The guy turns Shoots a child And then the kid is hurt And he goes fuck it You gotta run The mob is gonna get you The mob doesn't kill kids

Because they're the mob Question Mark And also it's like They're gonna blame you But there's mafia dudes all around There's like machine guns that they're holding, it doesn't make any sense. And then he just gets on a boat and leaves

these kids that all he cares about is taking care of them. And conservatively, how long he say he's on that boat? Conservatively? See, I'm going to go liberally, three and a half months. Liberally. I do want to talk about all this. I'm just going to say, just for the timeline argument. I'm going to say like independently. Yeah. Like

greenish. Greenly. June, matter of factly, how long you think he's on that boat? I don't know. I honestly thought it could have been Years. Okay. I had no idea. Years on the boat. Now we know when you fell asleep.

I didn't know. The whole, like, marking of time in this movie was insane to me. So he's on this boat for a number of months. He then goes to Muay Island for six months. We know that. No. He's there longer than six months. There's just a six-month jump.

Oh, okay. To Roger Moore. He doesn't leave immediately after that. He's still there, I think. for some period of time. So like at least say, we can argue that a year has passed from when those scrolls were delivered to when the fight begins.

At least. And there seems to be like, it seems to be like you got this. It took James Remar a year to get there. It took the fucking fencer guy a year to get there. It's not like they send those scrolls out like, hey, in two years, come to the special fight. I guess it's like a wedding invitation. Yeah.

It's a save the date scroll. The other thing about this movie, there's not a better thing for me as an action movie fan there's not a better thing than like look at all these different types like Bloodsport doing it literally the best of like monkey man

sumo wrestler guy these are such watered down versions of these badasses that they try to make a fat man standing up out of a hot tub seem intense like his tits bounce and it's like dun dun he's like

Japan it's like wait a minute that guy looks just like me Like, I had the same exact body as that guy And they're saying like, oh, fuck. Oh, he's terrifying. I mean, basically they go to, I mean, the whole movie revolves around a stereotype fight. It's like, what stereotype from what country can we get away with?

Like the Spanish guy who's doing the flamenco? That's not a martial art. All his moves are flamenco based. It's crazy. He's doing spin kicks, not flamenco style. But he does stand with one arm. No, it's not. Also, what this movie posits is that every single country has its own unique

fighting style. You know what I mean? So that like Japan is represented by Sumo. Brazil is represented by like Capuera. Like Thailand is represented by Muay Thai. Like every whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then there's like a British fencer. And he gets the scroll and they're like, oh, P.S., you can't use

a sword. So I hope you can translate fencing, which is literally not dangerous at all. I hope you can translate to that to bare-knuckle fistfighting. Hardcore fistfighting. And then just, I mean, we're going out of order, but who cares? There's, like the guy who he trains with on Mutai Island, who he doesn't seem to have a great relationship with. They don't really even show him a Mr. Miyagi relationship, which is, again, he's taking out all the things that make bloodsport interesting.

He literally- He never seen train unless I was asleep. No, that's when I thought I fell asleep because I literally was like, okay, they're just at Hobbs, Lord Hobbs playing, you know. They must have just needed to get more Roger Moore screen time. By the way, Roger Moore amazing in this movie. I am a big fan. I mean, he's great in everything. and another opportunity for him to pronounce the name Smith as Smy. Right from...

I have to ask, did you notice a difference between... I mean, I don't know Muay Thai that well, but I felt like I never saw a difference in the way he was fighting. No, that's what's crazy. And the other crazy thing is that Hobbs says, he's the best fighter I've ever seen, and he watched him do 30 seconds of his hands chained together choking a guy on a boat while there was a gunfight

going on. He's like, we're going to sell him for big bucks. It's like, where the fuck did you get that idea from? And why would you sell a guy who's a fighter to an island full of fighters? We don't need any... I think he was basically sold him onto Muay Thai Island

to be like, this guy's a fighter, you can use him, you can... For what purpose? The whole island... I think they were just trying to get some bucks off him. They're trying to get... That's what made no sense, but then the guy he sold him to on the Muay Thai Island, and again, maybe I was asleep, but it seems like he felt he got, you know,

the raw end of the bargain. Yes. But why? That's why I can understand. I think because it appeared in the beginning like he had, he thought maybe he'd paid too much for JCVD. He said about John Glover and Dam,

he's like, if he loses in the first round, this is not an investment. Exactly. But that makes, there's so much shit, this whole part, they show him twice on Moy Thai Island, once carrying bamboo sticks, watching guys kicking,

on the beach and then they show him defend a kid from being bullied. That's the only time they show him on the island. There's no training sequence. How does this not have a moment where he's doing splits or learning moita? That's the biggest and best trope from these movies is training montage.

My problem with this movie, and again, maybe I was asleep, you know, wearing some important parts. I will tell you when you were asleep, just by the way. Fine, but it felt to me like, I never, you know, he was sold as a slave. It seems almost twice,

wants to Yes, the guy, yes, and then back to... Well, he wasn't sold the first time. He was just a slave on the boat because he was a stowa. He was a stowaway. He was a slave on the boat. And then he was like a fighter slave to the guy in the Muay Thai Island. MTII.

Yes, but it seems like, wow, if I was in that position, I would revolt against fighting. I would feel like fighting to me is being a slave. Because he's really being trained as a slave on that island. But fighting, I think, is his only way out. But wouldn't you make the argument that if you're making a movie? Otherwise, you're just going to be like moving bamboo forever. But then he cares so much about fighting the rest of the movie. And I couldn't understand.

To get the gold dragon to free the kids. The motivation makes no sense. He's like, once I get this gold dragon, I split the money with this guy who's already sold me into slavery. Yes. Who is untrustworthy. And then I can take that money and bring it back to the kids who have all definitely been killed at this point. And at this point we're saying it's at least nine months, if not more. Right.

Conservative. conservatively. But this is what's even weirder is, okay. So, James Bond, Roger Moore, sells J-CV-D to the guy on MTI, Mootai Island, okay? Disappears. Six months later, Roger Moore comes back. And he's like, oh, look, you're still here. Oh, no, I think six months later, they're in Bangkok.

Bangkok. Bangkok. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. He doesn't even expect to see him. But because J-CV-D is not just like fighting normal fights, I guess. But then J-CV-D comes to Roger Moore and is like, this is where I got. confused. He's like, do you know about the Lost City and this big secret fight? That whole exchange

is like a who's on first? Yes. It's like Law City, Law City. Golden Dragon, golden dragon? It's like, this is a fucking comedy sketch. And it's like all exposition and it basically sets up the point of the movie which we are like conservatively one hour in now. Dude, they set this up. They do the scrolls thing. Then do seven minutes, 17 minutes of Van Dam backstory and then they're like, all right, remember that scroll thing? Now it's coming in a blast.

Why would he ever want to partner up with his previous owner? I know, right? That's what he's like, he has no option. He has no options. That's like that you get in that, you get in that zone. That was it called with the syndrome, Stockholm syndrome. Stockholm syndrome. But then he goes to, you know, so far as to even free them

when they're enslaved later in the movie. There's something so weird here because my gut would be, just simplify it. He's a guy who gets in trouble with the law, falls in the boat, has no martial arts training, goes to Muay Thai Island, becomes an amazing fighter, and then fights. And then fights as the representative of Muay Thai Island. Because they've given him an identity, and then he's able to win the Golden Dragon and bring it back to the kids. I'm a new man I learned martial arts. And free all of Muay Thai Island, then go and free all of the kids.

He frees everyone. Instead, he's just like the pawn of con men. So you think everyone on Muay Thai Island is a slave? I think they want to be there. I think they want to. They sound like they're a revolutionary group, and that's why they buy the guns. Oh, that's true.

I think they're like trying to do a coup. But then why does the owner of Muay Thai Island go when he finds out that that J-CVD is going to fight in the big tournament? Oh, why would you do that after all this training? I just gave you. But then you cut to the big fight tournament, and he's got his own guy there, too.

Oh, fuck it. I mean, yeah, you know, I'm going to get, I'm a min. The other thing this movie's missing is, how is he a good fighter? All we see is that he's a street performer, and then he's like a total... And then everybody, James Remar, everybody is like, he's literally the best fighter I've ever seen. He gets always after like two small demonstrations of fighters. The James Remar scene you're talking about is a boxer squares up. Van Damme kicks him in the leg and he goes, that's the best fighter I've ever been to pop to.

It's like, no, you're a boxer. He's never been kicked. Yeah. He is also James Remar... This is where June fell asleep. James Remar... He puts his life on the leg. Yes.

He basically, James Reamer, who has been invited to the top secret lost city fight, he's gotten a scroll, because he's the heavyweight champion of the world. By the way, James Reemar is amazing in this movie. I want to play this scene. So basically, James Reamer gets one kick, and he's like, I'm out of here, and he runs away into the desert. Just to make sure if people don't know, James Remar. Dexter's Dad. Oh, Dexter's Dad. I know him as Richard, Samantha's boyfriend on Sex and the City.

If you don't think I have the Sex and City box set. I do. The one that comes in Lusite with a heel on it? But what's worse? You're married? I'm not. Yeah, fair enough. But the show came out when I was like 17.

Let's listen to... This is the craziest moment because basically they steal James Remar's invite. And again, like... His identity, arguably. They're like pretending to be him. Exactly. This is a piece of information I needed. Yeah, this is where you felt like.

Now it all locks in. So basically, what if you were like, oh, that makes entirely... Everything's lined up. So now, take a listen to this is what, this is the craziest, in my opinion, the craziest thing in the movie because now JCPD is like, I am Maxi. I am the American heavyweight champion of the world. And then this happens. Maxi Devine of America. He stands up.

That's me. Oh, then James Ramar walks in. Maxi Devine, heavyweight champion of the world. This man is a better fighter than me. And as the former heavyweight champion. I turn my title over to him. And he's carrying a belt on him. Yes.

This here's your man. Christopher Dubois. Dubois will be granted a chance to prove if he is a worthy combatant in the first round. If not, Nancy Devine shall pay the penalty and never leave the lost city. What?

What the fuck? All right, so that's good there. If I'm Dubois in that moment, I go, you know what, that seems like too much pressure. Manzi, you just fight. Just, J.K., I will fight. Why does Maxie give up his own title, though, just out of love of respect? Because he's...

They sort of justify it in the next line. He goes, I want to see the American flag flying at the end of this tournament. So what he means is he just wants America to win. America as represented by John Claude Van Dam, who is definitively not American. And not fighting in an American style. Right, right. The thing about it is that he... What they're not saying is that Riemar is like, oh, I didn't know you're allowed to kick in

this thing and I'm going to be fucked. I normally just box. I wear gloves. I'm 50. I'm like maybe conservatively 49 years old. 49 years old. I am the heavyweight champion of the world

but a maximum 175 5-8. And no definition really either. But that is, to be fair. To have in 1920s. That's the 20s like a pugilist style. Pull the waistband up above your tits. I have a lot.

June. Okay, sorry, go ahead. Well, my issue was also another. Then we can go to June 2. was that the judge was so loosey-goosey. He was like, well, okay, yeah, sure. And then later on it's like... And then later they changed the rules again.

He was like, okay. They're constantly changing the rules of this ancient tournament just to make it easier for J-CVD to compete and win. I was like, I sent all these monks, I taught them English, I taught them how to travel around the world to deliver these scrolls. And now people are just wandering into my tournament? And you fucks from America think you can just like let somebody else fight and you're stead? Well, screw you.

That would be like the equivalent of like in this March madness right now. Like if just like a community college is like, hey, we kind of want to play. I think we're pretty good. We'd love to play. And they're like, yeah, all right. Get in here. No, it would be like if a community college randomly in one game beat Duke. Duke was like, you know what?

Put them in the final four. Not us. No, beat them in a game of horse. We want to keep this analogy going. Two guys, two streetballers, beat Duke in a game of horse. Duke goes to the NCAA and goes, I can't do this. Put them in. Put them in the final four.

They're the best team we've ever seen. We will step down. Here's my question, though. At one point, doesn't Jean-Claude Van Damme, isn't he conspiring to just steal the golden horse? Yes, right. That's Roger Moore and Jack McGee's plan. That's their plan.

That he is, yes, that he's kind of along for the ride on. I had trouble with that. No, I think he thinks she's going to win it. Yes. He thinks he's going to win it legally because that's the prize. Well, no, I don't know that he does because until James Remar lets him perform. Yes.

But until, like, when they get, when they are pretending to be James Remar's, like, valet and whatever, Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn't think he's going to get to fight. Oh, no, he's, because they, I thought their plan was to steal Remar's identity, so he could fight. No, no, no, but then Roger Moore goes, when he's busy thinking about fighting, we'll steal. Yes. Yeah.

Because I don't think they can steal Maxie's. By the way, they kind of steal. Why did they call him Maxis? They're trying to steal a giant fucking, like, it would be the... I mean, I'm trying to think of how big this dragon is. It's the size of the bull down by the... Yes, by Wall Street.

Yeah. Solid gold. Solid gold. And, oh, we got to talk about it. We got to talk about the Nazi blimp. Did you get it out there? We got to talk about the blimp. Well, I guess that's how they're going to do it.

We will get to it. We still, we're not there yet. Okay. And I think it's going to be a real... We'll see how it goes. To me, I felt like, stealing that thing was a flawed idea because they're in a lost city with a practically an unmovable

undisguisable object. Like you can't just like get out of town with. And that they have to put on a boat, right? Like that's the only thing that they can get it out of there on. And I don't know how you add three tons of gold to a boat and still get it back to the states or London or wherever the fuck they're from.

First have to put it on a horse. Then you'd have to put it on an elephant. Then you'd have to put it on a fucking boat. And none of them like riding elephants. None. No, no. No. Although, J.CV.V.E. did write an elephant to the premiere.

By the, oh, my God, amazing. I have pictures of it, and I will put them up. By the way, this is a movie, this I think maybe speaks to your PG-13 problem, is where multiple characters refer to their butts and their buns as rumps. Yeah. Like, two different characters are like, oh, my rump is sore. And I was like, what? That felt to me, like, a translation issue. Like, that that's, like, what Jean-Claude Van Damme calls his butt.

Yeah. Yeah. Another great moment is when, now we're jumping back a little bit, but when he is chained up and the slaver who enslaved him is going to kill him now because they're arriving at the island. It's like you have a slave that's working for you. You could sell him too. Oh, yeah.

Or keep him for the next one. Right, exactly. But instead you're going to kill him. He's handcuffed in a bicep pose. Like he's handcuffed in a double bicep pose where it's over the gate and he's just standing there flexing. His arms are huge And he allegedly has no fight training or something like that

He's been just a street performer And he's not even a street performer Like why wasn't he an acrobat or something That would justify why he's flexible and insanely ripped? Yeah No, he's a street clown who happens to be Well, I will say this. I do think it takes some physical ability to get on those skills.

I will say this. Like if shit goes down I do, if shit goes down, what I am going to do is I am going to round up as many clowns and acrobats as I can and because those are going to be the best fighters. You know what, look, that's where it's at. Look, my army is an army of clowns.

Mr. Miyagi taught painters and car waxers have to be the best karate. I was bummed in that opening sequence that they didn't play that out a bit longer, him on stills. His clowning? Well, just him fighting on still. Sure.

You would like to have seen him do more clowning too. Well, look, I... You're a theater buff. She does, like, legit like clown. I do like clowning, but I also... Of course. But I also wanted to see... I mean, it is fascinating.

these people who walk around on stilts. It is? I think so. You're talking about a movie in which a... Well, you know they don't do it in real life. They just do it as a performative thing. No, they're always in their stilts. I like that this is a movie about an ancient fighting tournament where people from all

over the world fight each other to death and you're like, it is pretty interesting that people walk on stilts. I was watching them. I'm like, wow, that's a crazy thing that people do. It's very high up. When I was a kid, when I was a kid I had an idea for a restaurant, I loved that. When I was a kid, I had an idea for a restaurant. where all the tables were like 15 feet in the air

and all the seats were lifeguard chairs. Oh. Fun. And all the waiters were on stilts. Fun, Jason. That's awesome. Don't say that out loud. Now you're just giving up that amazing idea.

Boom. Put it out there. I just wonder, like, I mean, I guess you guys aren't that interested in it, but at what point do you get on stilts? Because it seems to me one of those skills where it's just like one day you're on them? Do you think those people have spent their whole lives

being like, I need to be up there? I need to be up there. And stilts is like, In some ways, I think it's similar to being a very small person in this world, a little person, where you're more vulnerable when you're up there. I feel like it's a kid whose dad didn't put him on his shoulders at a parade or something like that. So now he insists to never miss it.

No one will ever stand in front of me again. Let me give you a counter argument. I think these stilt fucks want to look down on us. I think they want to be up there looking down on us thinking they're better than us, these fucking giant stilt monsters. I think honestly, if a performer's on stilts and they see anyone in this room, they look at us and go, God, I wish my career was more in fucking line. Why am I a stilt worker for fuck sake?

To me, stilts are the old, are what hipsters are to people before us, because, like, people on big bicycles and stuff like that. I just want to be seen as different and odd. I'm wearing stilts. I'm riding a big bicycle with one big wheel and one small. I just want to be weird. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I write on a type. writer at the coffee shop.

Yeah. I definitely think stilts. I think there's a performance art to what they do. Well, then I think it would have been great at that in the last fight, he would like, bring me my stilts. Yeah. And then he fought on stilts. There was just so much more fun to be had with him on stilts, fighting and jumping over things.

I'm using his stilts to, I mean, I know, I mean, he hopped off of them so quickly. Or doing clowning or some sort of arbitrary scene when he's in Bangkok where he grabs two tent poles and kind of like improvise stilts. Like nothing of that pays off or like a little kid is crying in a clowns form or something. None of his clown training comes into play at all. It's not a good clown. But I think what we're supposed to believe from this movie

is that the clown training set him up to be a pretty decent fighter because he kind of like does parkour to get away from those guys. And I'm like, this is fucking insane. Why can't we just show him fighting? This is what I think. I think controversially, I think he is not a clown. I don't think he has clown training. I think that.

That is the front he uses as a criminal mastermind of a children's gang. I agree. I'm kind of with you. And that's why the cops know who he is and that's why the mob knows who he is. They don't know him as the guy who's the clown. They know him as like a thief. No, I would argue that they know him because it's so fucking obvious. Like, oh yeah, we don't like the clown because he's the one always stealing from us.

Like, you can't blend in. It's arguably the one thing that you can't come work for me. You can't discredit the fact, though, that he did learn how to get on. Right, that's what I'm about to say. He still has the skill set. Regardless. Oh yeah, but I think that makes you both right. Yes.

He's doing it under criminal auspices, but he does have the talent. Oh, yeah. And if he just knew that there were stilt fans in the world like you, he could have, he would have never had to fight in the tournament. Oh, it's one of those classic, you know, it's a classic con man, you know. Like he has the skills to exist in the real world successfully, but he'd rather use it for crime. Someone edit June into a scene in this movie putting like $1,000 in 12. Oh, rich lady from New York.

In old New York. I'd just come down to watch the poor people on stilts. Here's a hey penny. So let's talk about the bar scene that helps set up the main bad guy who's also the same bad guy from Lionheart. Is that the guy that looks like Steve Harvey? Yes. Oh, the Mongolian?

When she said that to me, it was like he looks just like Steve Harvey. He has the worst facial hair known to man because it's the ring. Yes. Not the goatee, not the goatee, not. the mustache, but when you do a mustache and then a line of hair, it's a second set of hair lips that go around your mouth. And now you are John Claude Van Dam, experts, I'll ask you this. In Bloodsport, he, I believe that the guy he fought was deaf because he was never really,

he never really spoke. He just kind of, like, vocalized as if he was going to say something, but no words came out. And this guy doesn't really speak at all. This guy says nothing. I think this is more about casting based on looks than, like, oral abilities. So, like, he could be like, hi. Well, I did think,

They demonstrate that this guy's a badass by having him knock out Remar in one punch, which I also think leads Maxie to go, I'm fighting in this fucking tournament. This movie for James Remar's character is a real gut punch. He went back to business school. His character goes to business school at the end of this.

He fucking is the heavyweight champion of the world. Travels to Tibet and gets his ass repeatedly handed to him. Knocked out by a homeless clown and then knocked out by Gangus Khan. Like a cosplay. By the way, this bad guy,

and this serves for a point to talk about some of the direction in this film, the slow-mo is used to not great effect in this. That table, right?

He breaks the table, but they do it in slow-mo. I would think that breaking a table in fast motion is way more engaging. Like, ha-shh. It's interesting.

You say that, because I felt that too. Like, when they cut to slow-mo, the fighting looked worse. Oh, it's, this is peak editing, fighting. Right.

This is peak, like Bloodsport has it a lot. and you're like, you know, like the Van Dam where he lands one kick, but the editing shows three of the same kicks in a room. And this is peak that where it's like, it slows down at moments where there is no one is making contact with each other. And it's like, when he does like to flip backwards and kicks the sand into the guy's face.

I'm like, that is like physically literally impossible. Like to do a flip with your feet from under the sand and get the sand to go horizontal into someone's eyes. But they show it in slow motion and it's, looks like they cut away at the moment that would be the thing you would want to show. They just show a guy getting ready to jump in slow motion, which is not something. You want to see? Yeah, it felt like the slow mo was all like gearing up. They had to slow mo that fisting because they shot that slow.

I feel like they just go, put your hand on the table. A prop guy will pull a rope and the whole thing. Because it shatters. And that doesn't shatter even. It crumbles. It like turns to powder. It's so obviously artificial. Well, and everything in this thing, it's like the fight.

It is just like, it is like, it is. It seems like when Bloodsport, they didn't use any doubles, right? That was the whole argument. But here, I feel like they probably used a lot of... Oh, yeah, I don't think James Remar is taking a fucking punch from some random Mongolian dude. Big question. Why do Roger Moore and Jack McGee want that reporter,

who we haven't even talked about yet? Oh, the reporter. Oh, but you come along for this ride. We haven't talked about this yet. Right. And I think it's because Roger Moore wants to bone her. Can I ask a question? I have a real question.

finally what does she get from the news feed the ticker tape no idea she has she has like a prize possession that she's like I have everything you need or whatever and she's holding a piece of paper and we never find out what was on it

I think I know what that is oh I think that is like permission or bankroll from the newspaper from her dad to cover this article which means the cost of the boat ride and I think it's gonna get them to she's financing

this trick. And is that why they're using her? They are using her, I think, because Roger Moore wants to have sex with her because she's beautiful. And that is a Jean-Claude Van Damme trope, right? Is that the, first of all, these movies destroy Bechdale. They're like annihil to Bechdel. There's always only one woman and she's a reporter. And in Bloodsport, she's a reporter who has to pretend to be a whore to get into something. Here, she's a reporter who is like, you know, she's just, again, just wandering Bangkok looking for a story.

Yeah, the only one white person from my... Again, like, why doesn't she know about this tournament? Why doesn't she, like, introduce this idea? She has nothing going on. And neither is her and John Claude Van Dam. They're not even love interest. They are not. Until the very last minute where he puts his arm around and I'm like, oh, they're together?

Yeah, no, I don't think so. They seem more together than New York guy. And Roger Moore seems to give up on her as well. Like, I would have... The minute they get to... Well, that's the thing is, this movie has indiscriminate plot points all the way up until the last 45 minutes, which are just a man saying the names of two countries, and then those two people fight.

That's all this movie needs to be. I listened to all the episodes of Haviskemeet. And when if I wish, I know, I need a job. If I was on the Street Fighter episode, I would have said that Street Fighters should have just been Bloodsport. Like it should have just been like the video game where all the best characters just fight each other. It's a big tournament that there happens to be a guy named Blanca at.

But don't you think that that was the dead? deficit of this movie because there's no breaks in this movie and you're like another fight with no stakes and like when is it going to because there's no one that could act in between scenes like in Bloodsport they got ogre that he can like deliver a line at least in between

that's sort of interesting this shit has what goes good with tonic don't say it gin I told you not to say it is a sketch then the horse says something he goes oh quiet you

that's what I couldn't believe we were only on the semifinals when we were. I was, they've been fighting forever. They show every fight. That's the thing. They show every fight, but every fight is seven punches. Yes. Well, and here's the thing.

You've already been introduced to the fighting styles of each country, and then they just mix and match every. Yeah, now it's like, hey, you see the winners. Well, we've seen all of these people. That's like Chekhov sumo wrestler. You see them in the first act. Better fight fighting out. Exactly.

But that's the, that's why you're going to this movie. Like, if you're going, that's why you saw a blood sport. That's why you liked it. At least for me growing up. Yeah, you want to watch the fights. It's like, oh, monkey man versus sumo? Oh, the guy who does Muaytai versus the guy who is arbitrarily Arab. Well, I had an issue about the monkey guy or the snake guy.

Oh, dude, are you talking about the... In this movie, in this movie, it's China. Yeah, China because it goes... First of all, the best line in the whole movie to me was, he's moving like an animal. More like a snake. Yeah, well, I said that. I kind of said that.

An animal. And then in ADR, in the next sequence, he goes, now he's more of a monkey. Yeah. And it's like, we see that. And then in the third one, he goes, Tiger. But to me, I said to Gino, was like,

I don't understand the mindset of this guy because it seems like he's also acting like a monkey, tiger, and snake. Well after the fact that he's won. And well before. Yeah. Before and after. That's part of like to really, like,

because if this is a real fighting tournament that has any kind of semblance of rules, which it doesn't, you'd probably say like, hey, you're not allowed to play the bongos while the Kappauea guy fights. Like, come on. Like, why is that, the judge? The judge is like, bring your bongos.

Dude, it's fine. You guys got backup musicians, fine. Yeah, I would have a fucking guy on an electric guitar, just ripping it up. And I would have Duf Warrior. Shoot, man, I'd be out there like, that's, if they had that in Bloodsport, that's what Jackson would have had fucking Linnard Skinner. Slash playing, welcome to the jungle.

That's what I would do. No, I wouldn't. I would, for real, just too much. Tell Jordans, this is how we do it. Who is your favorite of... All right, no, full disclosure. I can only get up to this game. I would only fight.

I will only fight and fuck to Montel Jordan. This is how we do it. Who is your favorite? Who is your favorite of the fighters? Well, to me, I'm going to go just jump right in and say the Capoeira guy. Love him. Was amazing. And I called that, like, the Epcot of fights.

Because it was like everyone was so... Yes. Like, so I am my country. Like, this would you go to Epcotter. What about the Scottish guys? And when the fight at the end and they cut to the audience, everyone is in their cliche. It's like there's a Nazi go

with a Nazi helmet on. He's fighting jackboots and and red suspenders. Okay, I now want to get to, that's a perfect segue. June, what did you think about what John Claude Van Damme wore to fight? Do you have any thoughts on what he was doing? I'm trying to remember.

Oh, interesting. He's wearing a tank top. He's wearing loose shorts. Sweat shorts. Sweat shorts. Loose shorts. Loose shorts. White socks and work boots.

He's dressed like two very specific art types. 1980s bodybuilders and 1990s gay guys. I was like, he is dressed like a scrunch socks with boots. He's from like 10, 15 years ago. I was like, what's going on? And the bandana. And the rope bandana. JCVD is a beautiful man.

Yeah, yeah. I think he's a gorgeous man. You're not going to find anyone to disagree. I thought he looked great in this movie. I thought he looked great in Bloodsport. My wife, I'm saying Tiffany, like everyone knows who she is. My wife walked in when I was watching this, and she goes, is that John Claude Van Dam

in the sequence on the boat when he has a beard? She's obviously into beard a dude and she goes, shit, he's really hot. I liked him with the beard. He looked good with the beard. He looked very Wolverine.

He looked a little bit like Hugh Jackman. He did. He also, in this era where you've got Seagall, Stallone, Schwartz and Edgar, all these like Dolph Lundgren, all these kind of A to C level

action stars, he is genuinely leading man handsome. Right. In a way that none of them are. In Bloodsport, I was so upset to see him. in so many splits. Yeah.

Because it's only ruining your lady boner for him. I feel like you might be in... I feel like you might be in the minority on that, to be honest. I don't want to speak for women, but I think... Ladies liked him in splits? Oh, I think ladies like the splits in the bones. Here's the thing. Let's get it out there.

How did this get made fans? If you have an opinion, call us at 619, Paul P-A-U-L-Ask ASK, and you can leave a message when we can talk about it on the mini-episode. And really, the question is not like, oh, is that cool that he's in, or can do a split? Is it a turn on or turn off? Turn on or turn off? Turn on it. Yeah.

Like, I want to see a forum post that really digs in on this. I'll tell you what a real turn off is to me. And I want it to be splits and buns. All right. We'll go, guys, bring it to the phone line, bring it to the forums. The turn off literally was when the kilt man got his balls literally turned. That's by Turkey. I rewound it three times to hear how the guy announced his country because I could not sort it out.

And he's not a visible race. He's like a short, tan dude with long. He's like a mini Manzukas and you're gone. How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? Compare me to the Turks. Yeah.

By the way, that Turk gets taken up pretty quick. The Greek guy does, the Greek guy does okay. The Greek guy, by the way, who has got shoulder length, blonde hair. This guy is like, he's a Venice surfer. He's from Cyprus. This guy's from fucking Cyprus. And by the way, his move of serving people, Spanacopoda until they collapse is really bizarre. By the way, though, the one question I do.

did have about John Claude's outfit is this is my problem with him being a representative of Muay Thai is like, is that what those guys were wearing? No, that's what's crazy. That's not what he's worn at all in the movie. No. He didn't wear it on the boat. He didn't wear it in New York. You know what it is reminiscent of though is the street urchins. He is just a little... Ultimately, he's fighting for. Right, but he brought all that

he fought... It's weird that he's not in Muay Thai. I agree. I agree. He wears a Muay outfit in fucking bloodsport. He wears a Muay Thai outfit in the first round of fights before the Lost City. Yes, and when he's fighting in the Muay Thai fight when he's still owned by the Muay Thai Island guys. But sometimes when he's just chilling out, he's wearing a nice collared striped shirt. Like a chambre shirt to hang out and look at the...

Van Dam's ability to rock a tucked-in dress shirt is like unbeknownst... Every movie features him with a tucked in. You know, like the 90s tuck where you pull it out of a little? 25 pleats. It's literally like 42 pleats across. When they fit like jumpers. If it's like one of those like one of those fans where like his head's so many pleats

but when he does a split it becomes like a big image. Like it's like a real tablo. It's like a crane landing in a sunset. Basically like MC Hammer pants. I wanted to just bring up one thought to you guys. If it's a fight of the best fighters in the world, can we just say, hey, we know that everyone here can kick someone in the balls and disable them.

Can we just take that off the table? No ball kicking in the best fights in the world because I feel like... You think that's a cheap move. I think it's a cheap move. I feel like let's fight without the ball hits. I feel like in year 7,000 of... Assuming that's a millennial long tournament. Right.

That it's got to adapt. Like, UFC was that... When it first started, it was like guys can walk in with boxing gloves and shoes on and fight a guy in a full gie. You didn't need any... And then eventually he was like, oh, let's just choke... Why isn't everyone... just being choked to death in this fight.

It's like, why am I going to stand back and let a guy spin three times kicking me in the head when I can just hold him by his throat until he says, pleat, like, mattee or whatever. Yes. That's what, none of these fights make sense. It's like, of course you want to make it good for movies, but everyone is show, everyone's style is showmanship. Like, every, everyone is doing a pre-show before their actual fight. And it's all just, and there's also, except for the Russian guy who just walks in and, like, gets his ass. Oh, he was, I thought he was going to be the cool character, too.

I love this guy. He looks like the worst dude to run into in Brighton Beach, and he's going to beat the fuck out of you. I also like the school field trip that was clearly at this show. Like, at one point they cut to a group of kids like, hi, like the lost city kids. Like, all right, so tomorrow, do your algebra, but tomorrow we go to the big fight.

Everyone gets your permission slips in and grab your little juice boxes. Go ahead. One thing is crazy is the guy that fought on the behalf of Spain. Yes, the plummeto. He's got a belt on it. He's got a flag on his belt. Yeah. He's like the most Spanish you could be.

But that's not the Spanish flag. No. Oh, I don't know. It was not the Spanish flag. Because I remember that the Spanish flag was yellow. And I was like, this guy's got a different flag on. I looked it up. He's wearing an Albanian flag because the actors from Albania.

What? And that just made it all the way through to the final cut. He's like. And he's also wearing like slacks. Yes. Like he's not wearing. There's like three guys fighting in dress pants and dress shoes. And like jazz shoes.

They were like waiters, a minute. ago serving someone a drink and they're like, oh shit, I'm sorry, I'm from Siam. I have to represent my country right now in a fight to the death. And everything is a country and then a continent is the one black dude. It's like, Africa. And he's like literally like a voodoo priest. He's like a please. And he also has drums.

He's the other guy that has a backing band. The two black guys have music. Like it's like a movie made in the 90s. It's like impossibly racist. The one thing I want to talk about, and it probably will not ring true to anybody but me because I love this movie so much. But the stealing of the dragon at the end with the Nazi blimp is almost shot for shot identical to the Superman 2 breakout of Lex Luther and Ned Beatty.

Like they're in a blimp. Like Jack McGee can't get on the ladder. He almost gets on the ladder. He falls off the thing. And then Lex Luthor is like, see you later. I'm leaving. It's comically the same exact scene. And the plan is so.

terrible. Let's steal a blimp, hoist this thing, and a blimp is not going to be able to lift. And by the way, you're in a lost city. You have to go far. Also, you stole a Nazi blimp. Those guys, not forgiving. And by the way, it's 1926. They're just getting up and running.

Also, you can make that any nationality. This movie takes place. It's a global movie. You can leave the Nazis out of the... Why does it have to be Nazis? This movie wasn't made in the 1920s. That's like Indiana Jones said, man. Indiana Jones are the same thing.

I would have loved it if Indiana Jones had entered this movie. But at least in Indiana Jones they're bad guys. In this movie you're like They're just kind of like... It's the weird thing about

Roger Moore and Jack McGee though. Why at this point did they not think that... Van Dam could win. Yeah. Why steal it at this point? Yep.

Right. Why don't we wait and see it there's a slight chance we get it for real? And are we, so are we to believe that every year this tournament happens and every year there's a golden horse

that goes home with us? I think it's a dragon. I'm so sorry. But yes, you can't. You can ride. Okay. First of all, that's like 100%. I know you fell asleep, quote unquote.

But does it go home with the winner every year? When June wants to take your kid for a horse ride, make sure that. I'm very aware now. But, wait, no, June brings up a very valid point. Does that mean that there's been hundreds of years of this tournament? There's hundreds of giant golden dragons. Or does that guy always win? They don't seem to.

give away the golden. I think the golden dragon is just like the fake out. They make a deal. They make a deal so that they don't kill Roger Moore and Jack McGee. Oh, that was the deal. Van Dam says you can keep the golden dragon if I win you have to set us all free. But I think Genghis Khan is the local. The Mongolian? Yeah, he's like

the house champion. It feels like and it feels like... Oh, really? That's what it feels like... He's from Lost City? Yeah, he's from the like he's the Lost City's representative, even though he's dressed exactly like a barbarian from a video game. Yeah. That's what these movies are video games come to life. And that's why they have to do their little dance or something because that's like their...

Totally. Like Chun Lee's like takes the picture or whatever, you know? All that shit is so fun. By the way, a great moment in this movie when they do take a picture with an old 1920s camera, a great moment to just have a still and make it black and white. But color picture. Like it was like a small choice that could have made like and frozen in time. Nope.

Color. Color. Clearly we had an opinion about this movie, but there's some people out there that had a different opinion. It is now time for second opinions. All right, these are five-star reviews cold from Amazon. There are not many second opinions on this film. They're not many five-star reviews, but there are two that are worth it. And here we go.

This is from Ox Bigley, and he writes... Sounds like a bully from... I know, he really does. Hey, Ox Bigley's after me. He's little rascals or something. I first saw this on Spanish TV, and I was so aggravated. I couldn't understand what was being said. But then I went to my video store and I rented it.

Fantastic film. Although I do admit the plot could use a little work, but still an awesome movie. If you want to see how they should have done the Mortal Kombat film, get this DVD. Way better than the Street Fighter. Then again, I'm sure the Barney movie was better than that.

Five stars. Wow. The Barney movie. Now this is... Takes a shot in that one. For the first time ever, we have a... Someone who's done a second opinion

on another movie coming to do with second opinion on this movie. And this is the man, his name is Jason Vine, and he has created the John Claude Van Dam Review Matrix. We did this in the Bloodsport episode. So we will see how this stacks up. He's done this for Lionheart Double Impact, Kickboxer, Universal Soldier, nowhere to run, hard target, time cop, and pretty much every one of them.

But here we go for Bloods, for The Quest. Who is he? Christopher Dubois, whose story is too complicated for a one-sentence breakdown. That's true. Which family or friend must be avenged. No avenging needed. He's got kids to feed. Does he take his shirt off?

The closest he gets is a tank top version of a thong, which is true. He doesn't go shirtless. Does he have sex with a C-list actress? No sex. All business. Is there a tournament? Oh, yes, there is. Is training needed?

Absolutely. And all the training takes place admits the sweltering squalor of a Bangkok Muay Thai fighting world. But we don't see it. We don't see it. So I'd saying no, there is training, but we don't see it. It's all off camera.

Does he do splits in the training or in the tournament? No. It probably doesn't count, but after a vicious spin kick in the final battle, J.CVD stretches a little in slow-mo, and it's not really a split shot, but he's saying it's kind of a split shot. No, it's not.

I wish it was. No, it's no splits. Does he punch someone in the balls? he delivers the reversed heel to the twins is patented by Rick Flair so he considers that a punch but it's a kick Other people get punched in the balls Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks

In slow-mo? I guess he does So is his enemy unbeatable After beating every previous opponent With little more than a stiff jab The final enemy for JCPD is a Mongolian beast Part Chong Lee from Bloodsport and part Attila from Lionheart

actually the same actor who played it. And does he overcome injury or any other hindrance? A rarity for JCPD, the entire tournament is on the level. Nothing goes wrong. Does he win? Not only does he win, but he delivers what is probably his best overall fight scene in his career. What? I don't think so.

That's not true at all. Part of the fight is in a room that we are not led to. I did truly like that moment. I thought it was just a change of pace that that fight. I liked it too. Also, they had to go outside at that point because someone, JCVD, who's directing it, must have been like, you know, every 60 minutes of this movie have been in this dark fucking warehouse.

Why don't we spill out into the street? And then the fight, it's just one of those situations where it wraps up so fast. You can never live up to the hype. Well, first of all. He also just appears, the whole fight appears, like for John Clubb Van Dam, who is all about kicking, it really is all about punching in this movie. He just is repeatedly punching the guy in the face, Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch.

And it's, like, not very excited. Well, my favorite part of it is that they're fighting inside this house. And the house is like a long, like a tractor house, like almost like a trailer. And they move, like, the audience of the fight moves from left to right as they're going through the house. But the house is fully, like, covered. Yeah. So they can't see. So just by, like, I guess, grunts, they're moving like there.

It's like, as if they could see it, they would move along. But they're just like, I guess he's over at this point. It reminds me of in Fargo season one when Billy Bob goes into the building. Oh, yeah. And you see it. Yeah. Yeah, and you just kind of track it. They ripped off the quest.

I'll say it. Fucking Noah Hawley ripping off the quest once again. Cool, man. So then the fight ends to no celebration at all. Actually, there's a somber mood that the fall in the crowd. Well, I think it's because all the people in the crowd are losers. They're previous people who lost the fight. Why are they sticking around?

Who cares who wins at this point? Like, when they cut to the crowd and it is the two Scottish guys, I'm like, why are they still here? And they don't have a fucking a leg. They don't give a fuck which one of these guys wins. Go home. And then start your journey home. You have like a three-month journey to get home.

Conservative. By the time they get home, by the time they get home, they have to start the trip back to go to the next year's tournament. There's a monk waiting with a, oh, you got a fucking kidding. Hey, you're one of the best. Let's play what I think is probably the best writing in the entire movie. The wrap up. All right, so now they're going to go home.

Here is J.C.V.D's final voiceover. I didn't get the golden. dragon, but I returned to New York like I promised. Cut the kids of the streets. In the end, we all did just fine. Well, how did he do that, though? Maxi trained many great fighters and became a big celebrity. Last I heard, Dobbs and Harry opened the trading post deep in the Amazon.

Like, that's not John Clark Vandam. Yes, they're sold. It's his old name voice. And then you reveal that he's really. reading a book backwards because he closes the book on the first chapter. Well, really doesn't make sense, though. A book that was written by the female reporter in his voice. Yes.

So the entire movie is a story being told by the female reporter first person as the character that John Claude Van Dam is playing. That's not even, why don't they show him go back to the kids? And they just did just fine. They didn't do great. They didn't have an amazing life. And there's no way you leave for nine months and a group of street kids are, they've managed to make it. A bunch of those kids are dead. 100.

Well, here's my. Just bylaw. Here's the thing. He is coming back with no money. Right. That's what I'm saying. He comes back and he just has confidence from winning to find it. Well, maybe he sold that gold necklace.

And by the way, there's more street kids. Like, he doesn't eradicate like street urchings. Yeah, he didn't end homelessness. He's like, I won the fight, and then no kid was ever without a home. I want to say, I don't know what you're about to start up. No, go, I'm sorry, but this movie has, I read the IMDB trivia for every movie I've ever seen. This movie has the best IMDB trivia. I have some here, some notes.

I can tell you some from recall that I remember reading, not even, and I read it again today, but there's some I remember from when I was like. Let me throw some at you and you tell me if I miss any. The original director of this movie, or the one that JCVD wanted, anyone guesses? I mean, you know it. I know the answer. I'm not going to say it. Any guesses?

Any guess it's Oliver Stone. Amazing. The IMDB trivia says JCVD asked Oliver Stone to direct us, and he politely declined. This is probably my, well, there's two. I'm going to read my second favorite one. I think I know which ones you're going to read. Yeah. The one, well, the Jack McKee one.

Yes, exactly. Well, end on me. This one is Tatum O'Neill claims in her autobiography that she was offered the female lead first, but things fell apart after a romance with her and J.CVD. fail. Whoa. And before you read the Jack McGee, I just want to say,

in the IMDB trivia, there's four trivia pieces that are all about how much Roger Moore hated this movie. Oh, that's so much. It's like he was told. Yeah, he said in his biography, it's his least favorite movies

ever been part of. He was told he was going to get above the line billing and he didn't. There's like, it's like 11 straight complaints. He talks about it. It's the worst movie he's ever done. Embarrassed by it. And just if you want to know more about this experience

and the world of JCVD, You can check out slashfilm.com because there is now a rebuttal interview to last week's Frank Duke's interview because Sheldon Lettich who wrote Bloodsport and is involved in this world, read that article, got angered and now is rebutting Frank Dukes. Which is the better quest. And Frank Dukes is very much involved in a big lawsuit here because he claimed that he wrote this movie called the Kumete Enter the Dragon. It's a big deal. He won arbitration, WGA. Frank Duke's got story by credit on this movie, but he didn't win the civil lawsuit.

Right, you lost the court case. I can talk to you about Frank Duke slash Count Dante for like hours. Are you guys familiar with Count Dante from the back of like Boys Life magazine? No, no. He's a very similar to Frank Duke's type character who swears that he fought and all these, like, he said he killed over 50 people in different kumetes and then taught karate in Chicago and was part of what was called the Dojo Wars where he got arrested for setting up explosives at a rival dojoos.

And that's all real. This is insane. This world is amazing. Search Count Dante and Frank Dukes and Wikipedia and have a fucking great afternoon. Why don't I have you present the last fact, which is the best fact? So there's this piece of jury that just says, Jack McGee was known to pass wind, parentheses, fart after every take, and everyone laughed at it except John Claude Van Damme who hated it.

Like that energy to me makes me laugh more than any. after every take, that's just the most disgusting person alive, but that's fucking awesome. We've worked with Jack. He's the best. He's the guy from McCarty. He's the dad from McCarthy's, right? He's the dad from McCarthy's actually in a party over this,

party over here sketch. He's great. He's great. He's great. I think he's probably like fuck this movie. Exactly. He's 100%. Him and Roger Moore are sitting there on the boat going,

how the fuck did we get involved in this? I'm going to email Jack and find out if he farted in this thing. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to say it if it wasn't true. But we have said it now. We have said it. IMD me said it, so we're quoting somebody. And I'll leave you with this before we get into plugs.

John Claude Van Damme's definition of the movie. This movie is about a dream, but also adventure. It is epic. Has many faces, many corners. It is the shape of a diamond. Oh, boy. And that is my definition of the class. Wow.

Wow. The shape of a diamond. Many faces and many corners. I don't think he's seen a movie, nor a diamond. Wow. Well, I'm so glad that you were here, John. Please, thanks for having you. What would you like to plug?

Right now, I guess the only thing I would have to plug is check out my podcast. Search High and Mighty on iTunes. And if you're a fan of, I have done some action movie, like. You have a very extensive blood sport episode. I have a blood sport episode. a, I've done some other action movies and stuff. I've actually tried to avoid overlap with how to this game made.

So, because we passed on doing Cobra. Okay. In honor of you are more than welcome. We've done two Segal movies and plenty of one to come. There is plenty of room for people talking about movies that they love. So you go right ahead. So check out High and Mighty. And if you're a fan of the TV show, Banshee,

I'm actually starting like a weird side project where I'm doing like recap and interview episodes about Banshee. I cannot work with that. And I have nothing to do with that show other than I'm a fan. I can't wait to watch that show. I've heard it's so great. Jason? I got nothing.

June. I'll plug the second season of Grace and Frankie, which comes out on May 6th on Netflix, and also a movie that I saw recently and I love and I think might still be out in the theaters. The Bronze, starring Melissa Rous. Oh, yeah, The Bronze. That was hilarious. Well, I'll give a big thank you to everybody here at Earwolf, Averall Hailey, for pulling all these clips.

Nick Kiley for doing all of his research. Marissa Zites for all the help. Leanna Waldron for designing amazing images. And everybody. Ryan, our engineer, thank you so much. Thank you guys so much for coming. Bye-bye.