Jessica Kaylee - I Dodged Death
Episode Date: November 5, 2025I Dodged Death Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices...
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I've never dodged death before.
That was terrifying.
Sweetie, I made you breakfast.
Thanks.
Mom, what is this? It smells rotten.
Raspberry pancakes, your favorite.
I'm actually not hungry. I'll see you after school.
Have a good day.
What is going on today?
Billy Jean, you'll never believe it. I dodged death twice today.
Wait, what?
How? You're the most careful person
I know.
It was the weirdest thing.
First, my crinley and iron caught on fire.
Then my mom tried to feed me expired pancakes that probably had salmon in them.
I know you're freaked out, but to be honest, it's really impressive that you've made it this
far without dodging death before.
What's your count up to?
6,570.
I dodged death once a day.
But that's because I live next to an unconvicted serial killer.
Your life is so strange.
Look out!
Sorry, I didn't see you there.
I'm telling you, babe, something is up.
I go 18 years without dodging death.
and now I've dodged it three times in the past eight hours?
So, you're having a bad day.
I'm sure you'll be back in your group tomorrow.
Sweetie, don't forget to take your vitamins.
Please don't be a repeat of yesterday.
Is this stoplight not working?
No, so just cross when no cars are coming.
Whoa, what happened to you?
I got hit by a car!
You what?
Well, technically just a side mirror hit me, but right in my eye!
That is so unlucky.
Babe, this isn't a coincidence.
and something's changed and I've had terrible luck all of a sudden.
You know what I like about you?
Is that you're not dramatic like other girls.
But right now, you're being dramatic.
I don't think I am.
I've dodged death a lot lately.
Why don't we just relax a little and go to make-out peak tonight?
It'll be fun.
I can't.
I have a lot of homework.
Fine.
I'll see you later.
Billy Jean, I have to break up with Pete.
Why?
You're like obsessed with him.
Something in my life is giving me bad luck and I think it's him.
You think it's Pete?
I refused to hang out with him tonight and my dodged death count went up.
That's a sign.
That he was going to kill you?
No, that we shouldn't be together.
The universe is trying to tell me that he's not the one.
Or they're trying to tell you that he wants to kill you.
He's not a serial killer, Billy Jean.
He's not your neighbor.
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You have to find Pete.
Have you seen Pete?
No, sorry.
You broke up with me over text?
I didn't have a choice.
I've been looking for you all day and I need to stop facing death.
You think I'm responsible for your Dodge death count being so high.
No.
Yes, I think it's a sign that we should have been together.
We'll all give you a sign.
Please don't kill me.
What? I'm not gonna kill you.
I was just gonna give you the middle finger, but now you made it weird.
Oh, bye Pete.
How'd it go breaking up with Pete?
Not well.
I'm sorry. I know how much you liked him.
Hopefully things could just go back to normal now,
and my count will stop going up.
How? Literally how!
Did I have like 500 hard?
heart attacks last night? Sweetie, are you okay? You don't look well. I'm not well. I went
18 years without dodging death once and in the last two days I've dodged it hundreds of times.
Something is very wrong in my life and I've misread all of the signs. How about you stay home
from school today? I think you need the rest. Thanks mom. My count didn't go up when I
decided to stay home from school. That means school's safe. Mom, I changed my mind. I
I actually am gonna go to school today.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Oh my gosh.
It wasn't Pete who was bad for me.
It's my mom.
Billie Jean, can I please come live with you?
You can, but sometimes I think you forget
that my neighbor's a serial killer.
Well, so is my mom.
Wait, what?
Not really, but I do think she might be trying to kill me.
First Pete, now your mom?
No, turns out it wasn't Pete.
I misread the signs.
So what are you gonna do?
Pete, I am so sorry.
I realized it wasn't you after all.
Do you want to get back together?
Sorry, Jess, but I'm already dating Becky.
We broke up yesterday.
I know, so I really think it's time you move on.
It's been like 14 hours.
Jess, I'm so sorry, but my mom said no to you living with us.
It's okay. Thanks for trying.
Guess it's time to go confront my mom.
Be safe.
Oh, good. You're home.
I made you some dinner.
Is it poisoned?
Poisoned.
Every time I'm in this house,
my Dodge Death Count tripped.
I don't think that's a coincidence.
Sweetie, I do not know what is going on with you today,
but I can guarantee I'm not trying to hurt you.
I don't believe a word you say.
I'm gonna go live with Grandma.
At the nursing home.
Yes.
I knew it.
Hi, Grandma.
Sweetheart? What are you doing here?
I'm just trying to hide away from death.
Well, you didn't come to the right place.
Marjorie died today.
Pts, Barb, should I cut her head off?
Grandma, what's in your hand?
A voodoo doll of the nurse.
here. My roomy Barb made it. We hate that nurse, so we've been doing all sorts of things to it.
Barb accidentally cut its eye open, so we had to repair that, but I stuck a needle through its heart at least 500 times.
That's horrible!
Oh, don't worry, sweetie. Nothing's even happened to Nurse Jackie. In fact, she's happier than ever,
unfortunately. Grandma, this isn't a voodoo doll of Nurse Jackie. This is a voodoo doll of me.
Don't be ridiculous. That looks nothing like you. Barb, do you think that looks like her? No.
See, it's Nurse Jackie.
I'm keeping this.
You want to give Nurse Jackie a good beating too?
That's my granddaughter.
You're back? How was staying with Grandma?
Eye-opening. Grandma had this.
A voodoo doll of you?
She thought it looked like Nurse Jackie, who apparently she hates!
Your grandma's blinder than a bat.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I'm just glad it's in my hands now.
Time for you to go where no one will find you.
Lucy, come on. We're gonna be late.
gonna be late hang on mom i see something uh we're gonna be best friends behind the scenes
plunges stomach extremely hard relation to burn that to myself take two it's not a serial killer biller
biller jean we're never ever ah
