Jessica Kaylee - Kiss, Marry, Kill

Episode Date: February 14, 2026

Kiss, Marry, Kill Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Princess Adelaide. We have something very important to discuss. Yes, Sir Thomas? The king is dead, and as he has no children or siblings, and you are his distant relative, it has been determined that you will be next in line for the throne. Really? Yes, Your Highness.

As your royal advisor, I must urge you to accept the throne. Of course. It would be my honor. Very good. However, there is a small catch. What? Anyone who wants the throne must complete a game of Kiss Mary Kill in one week or else it passes to the next eligible heir. Oh, that's strange.

It's been a tradition for centuries. Well, I am a princess, and if I complete this, I'll be queen, so that gives me a lot of status and power. How hard could it be? I'll do it. I'm not feeling too well. I really don't want to kill anyone. Don't worry, Your Highness. That could be arranged for you. You don't even have to know who they are.

No, no. I want to be the queen, so I will earn it. I will do it myself. That is very noble of you. Maybe I'll start on the lighter one. Who should I kiss? My lady, I have some urgent news. What is it?

Word has spread about the game of kiss, Mary, Kill. There are so many suitors outside the castle that are eager to assist you in this journey. Really? Yes! Well, they want to help you with the kiss and Mary. Ah, yes. I can imagine no one's particularly excited to be killed.

Well, I'm starting with the kiss, so send them in. Your Highness, are you sure that is wise? Lord Thomas, it doesn't matter who I kiss, just as long as I kiss someone, so... Well, if it really doesn't matter, may I suggest... Oh! Oh my goodness, that's a lot of people. Silence!

Silence! Please approach the princess one at a time in a calm and orderly manner. Princess Adelaide, may I request the honor of kissing you. Great. In exchange for 1,000 gold pieces. Oh, what? You want a reward? No, I'm not doing that.

Next! Your Highness, I shall kiss you. Great! If you agree to marry me after. No, I'm just looking for a kiss. Send in the next person. I will... Okay.

Oh choo! On second thought, maybe not. Princess Adelaide, all these people seem to expect some kind of reward out of you. May I offer my services in this dilemma? What is it? I can kiss you if you wish. Oh no, we're like co-workers. Very well.

This is so annoying. I'm going on a walk. I'm literally a princess and I can't find one single person to kiss me for free. Hello, Frog. You can't find anybody to kiss? You talk? Yes. Haven't you ever talked to a frog before?

No. First time. Well, this is my first time talking to a princess, so we're even. So, how's pond life? I'm used to it, you know? How's life at the castle? Not so good at the moment, actually. I'm in line to receive the throne, but in order to get it,

I have to complete a game of Kiss Mary Kill in one week. And I'm trying to do the kiss, but everyone wants something in return. Either they want money, or they want a guarantee for marriage, or something and I just can't do it. I won't be the type of princess that lets others manipulate her. Sorry. No, it's a petty problem to have. No, I understand that sounds so difficult.

Does it have to be a person? Well, I don't think so. I would kiss you. Ew! Oh, sorry. I'm not trying to be rude, it's just that... You're a frog. I get it, but I would be happy to kiss you and I would want nothing in return.

Really? No, seems like you'd be a great leader. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. What's happening? Oh my gosh, you're... A guy? Yes, my name is Benedict.

Really cute guy. Thank you. You're a really cute princess. I don't understand. Well, Princess Adelaide, I must apologize for lying to you. Like? I did have something to gain from kissing you. I wasn't just out of the goodness of my heart.

You see, I once tried to steal from a garden to feed my family because they were starving. But I didn't realize the garden belonged to a witch. And she cursed me and turned me into a frog. The only way to break the curse was to get kissed by a princess without revealing my identity. I'm sorry for lying, but I can't thank you enough. Now I can return home.

It was wonderful to meet you. Oh, okay. Sir Adelaide, where have you been? We learned that you completed your kiss. Yes, and I found someone who didn't want anything in return. Hmm. Mm-hmm. But I still have to find someone to marry and kill. Can you please help me?

Yes, Your Highness. Consider that you are about to become queen and thus the man you marry will be king. Actually, I will be queen and the person I marry will be a prince consort, which means I still get the power. Look it up. There's Prince Jonathan? No, he sent his entire army to Goddard because the king insulted him a little bit. Lord Frederick? He's married. Prince Vladimir. He's 70 years old. I don't think there's any eligible bachelor's for this advantageous marriage. Well, you know, princess, you might do well to do well to. to marry someone you've already known for a while, perhaps who's been working as your trusted

advisor? If you're going to offer yourself again, I politely decline. Besides, I don't want a transactional marriage. I want someone I could like and grow to love. What about somebody who loves you and loves the thought of being king? What was that? Oh, nothing. Going for another walk.

Hello? Benedict? Is that you? Princess Adelaide? What are you doing around here, Your Highness? This is hardly a place for a princess. No. I love this pond.

It's a great place to walk and clear your head. What's on your mind? Well, you know that Kiss Mary Kill game I was telling you about to get the throne? Yes. Hell, I can't find anybody to marry. Now, how is that possible? It's just, I want someone who understands me

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What? You wouldn't want to marry me, would you? Really? So I know it sounds crazy and we only just met each other, but I have to find someone so quickly and I don't know. I feel like we have a connection. So? I would love to marry you.

Really? Yes. Okay. Let's go to the castle! Princess Adelaide! Where are you going? I'm on my way to the Archbishop. Oh, this is Benedict, by the way. We're getting married. Who? Married. Read, princess?

Do you, Princess Adelaide, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. Then by the power vested in me... Stop the wedding! Lord Thomas, please! Princess, you cannot bury him! This is not an advantageous marriage, he will be a horrible king! I won't be king.

I'll be a prince consort, and besides, I don't want to be king. I just want to support Adelaide and help her be the best leader she could be. Thank you, Benedict. Now please continue. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Yes! Now I just have to kill someone. There's only 12 hours left until I'm supposed to take the throne and I still haven't killed anyone!

Well, considering I helped you with the other two, I suppose you can kill me. Benedict, now is not the time to be funny. This is serious. We'll figure something out. Do you think there's a way around it? What do you mean? Like, can you kill a bug? Perhaps a fly or a spider or cockroach? I suppose not. We'll figure it out in the morning. Benedict?

What's going on? It's all right, Adelaide! Lord Thomas, put that knife down. Not until you agree to break off your marriage and marry me instead. You'll kill him! I'm the only man worthy of your love. I'm the only man worthy of being king!

How many times do I have to tell you, marrying me does not make you king! Do as I say or I'll slit his throat! Don't do it, Adelaide! I can't let him murder you! All right, Lord Thomas, okay, I'll marry you. I'm glad to see you have come to your senses. I'll let your soon-to-be ex-husband here, go.

But Lord Thomas, I will not get buried under threat, so you need to put the knife down. Very well. No! I'm sorry, Benedict. Sorry that I have to... Bidey! Thank you!

He was going to kill me! Now that he is knocked out, I guess we can take it to the proper authorities. Wait, is he... Did you... Uh... He's dead. Yeah. Wait, Adelaide, you know what this means?

means you finish the game. You can take the throne now. Oh my gosh! I too! Well, thank you, Lord Thomas. I guess you helped me after all.