Jessica Kaylee - The Criminal Assessment Test

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

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Welcome to the School of Criminals. You will be given a test to determine which criminal occupation best suits you. Here is a squish mellow, a barf bag, and pepper spray. Best of luck. Your test will begin in 10 seconds. How difficult is this test? There's a 45% completion rate. So 55% just quit?

Quit is a nicer way to put it, but yes, they die. Good luck! Wait a second. Assassin? Kill the Lee Cheap? Hey, Shrimpid! Over here! Me?

I said shrimp head, din I. I'm noodles. I'm your partner in crime for the mission. So all you gotta do is say best friend in its lights out. Lights out for who? The Target! I already got my eyes on them. Now listen, I don't want anyone to hurt Billie Jean.

She's my best girl pal and... Jess! Billy Jean! I didn't think I would see you today because of that criminal assessment. But, uh, who's that guy behind you? And why isn't he blinking? Oh, ignore him. He's my partner in crime today.

Oh, M.G. Are you on a mission right now? You can tell me since I'm your best friend. Best friend, eh? Do you think she's your best friend? No, and would you just put the knife down? I'm sorry, Billy Jean, but can we catch up later? I'm kind of in the middle of something. Okay, but what do you mean I'm not your best friend?

Can we not do this right now? Not until you tell me why you said I wasn't your best friend. I didn't say it because if I say that word, he's going to kill you. Hey, shrimp head! The thing about code words is you don't tell you. don't tell the target, it's a code word. Wait, am I the target? Yes, so run.

She can run, but I'll still find her. No noodles, you won't. I don't care if I fail at being an assassin. We're not killing my best, uh? Girl pal. Hey, you almost said it. You thought about killing her for a second, huh? No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. That's because you picked the worst code word. That's what they all say. Jessica, do you even want to take this assessment? Because it didn't even look like you tried in the simulation. I do, but I didn't agree with the task. That's the thing about working as a criminal. You're not always going to agree with the choices you have to make.

But if we tell you to do something, you're going to have to do it. Now you better give this next occupation your best shot or I'm ending the assessment. A thief? Your task is to go steal me a bag of Reese's. Okay. I already like this task way better than the last one. Better hurry up. Time's ticking.

Hi, welcome in. What are you doing? Ah, nothing. Did you just put some time? candy in your shirt? No. Well, how'd it go? Not great, but I got to your bag of candy. Why is the timer still ticking? Because you haven't completed the task yet. What do you mean? You asked for the candy and I delivered. This was just because I was hungry. Now we'll give you your real task. Your task is to sneak into the back room and steal the clerk's wallet. I can't

go back in there. She saw me steal that bag of candy. Sounds like you're not a very good thief then. Time's ticking. If I'm gonna pull this off, I'm I need a disguise. Hello, ma'am, I'm from the water company. I'm just gonna check something in the back. Excuse me, what are you checking? Your boss called about a leak, and he was very adamant, I fixed it right away.

I don't think we have a leak, but okay, I'll come with you. No, no, no, that's okay. You can stay out here and watch the front and I'll just be a second. Oh, it's really no problem. I'll just put a be-back in 10-minute sign on the front. Great. Excuse me, how much longer is this gonna take?

There's clearly no leak. Just a little while longer, I'm gonna start doing the paperwork here. You're more than welcome to go out into the front. I'll be out in just a second. Okay, but just hurry up. Finally, she leaves me alone. I got the wallet.

I got the... Hey, she took my wallet! Uh-oh. Put the pepper spray down. Sorry. Six out of ten? That means I pass. You did, but we wouldn't consider you a natural talent.

What do you mean? Good thieves don't have to dress up as plumbers to steal a wallet. They could sneak in and out of places without being seen. Well, I'm just warming up. I'm sure I'll do better the next one. Hacker.

Ahem. I'm waiting. Yes. How can I help you? I need you to hack my friend's ticket master and transfer me her Taylor Swift tickets. Okay. And your friend's name? Julie.

Taylor Swift's state of birth? 1989. And Julie Zodiac. Capricorn. I'm in. You should be getting the tickets in the next few minutes. Yes! Next.

Hi. I need you to hack my boyfriend's Instagram so I can see if he's cheating on me. Okay. His favorite sports team? Tampa Bay. Middle name. Roger and Lucky Number. 69. Done.

Really? you with your brother. I knew it. Next. Great job. You're two for two, but let's see if you can hack someone of real power. Like? Like the president's email. You have 30 seconds. 8 out of 10? Looks like you're pretty good as a hacker. But let's see how you do on this next one. This is the person you will be stalking. Your task is to figure out where they live. Why am I stalking a nobody? A nobody. That person's the richest man in the world. Oh. Shows what I know. Find anything? Yeah. Every Tuesday they post a they post at the same coffee shop. I'm gonna go there and see if I can follow them home.

Good idea. Here are some smart classes to help you track them. Thanks. Target, approaching. How do we turn these down? Target, looking at you. There's gotta be an office switch on these somewhere. Target, coming closer. Shoot. Missiles launch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no missiles launched. No missiles launched. It's okay everyone, no need to panic. Target leaving. Cancel missiles. Missiles. Canceled. Target no longer in sight.

I'm aware. One out of ten? I would have done better, but those glasses sabotaged me. You have one more chance to secure a job with us. Kidnapping? Who am I supposed to kid? Chuckie Cheese. You want me to kid from Chuckie Cheese?

Oh no. We want you to kidnap Chuckie from Chuckie Cheese. Time's a ticking. Chuckie, you need to come with me. Sure, kid. Where you want to go? The ballpins. Ew, no, kids pee in there.

Sometimes they do more than pee. You need to follow me outside or someone's gonna get hurt. Wait a second, are you trying to kidnap me? Because I do not get paid enough to get kidnapped right now. Yes, I am kidnapping you, and you're gonna listen to me, or I'm gonna hurt that kid over there. Okay, fine. The breaks here are horrible anyways. I'd be happy to come. Now hang on, you have to like kind of put up a fight, otherwise it's just us hanging out. Do you want me to scream?

Would you please? Ah, she's kidnapping me! Everyone on the ground! on the ground. I'm scared. You're coming with me. Damn, you are under arrest for trying to kidnap Chuckie. How did you guys get here so fast?

We were just inside. I have a panic button in my suit. So the second you said you were going to hurt someone, I called the police. You played me. It was kind of fun. I don't even need to see the score. Clearly I'm the best at hacking. Wait a second.

One more occupation just popped up for you in our system. Really? What is it? You're about to find out. Boss? Boss, we have a problem. What? The new assassin killed the wrong guy. Apparently he had a twin brother. What are we supposed to do? Find the guy you were supposed to kill.

And do what? Kill him. Oh, good idea, boss. And what about the guy who killed the wrong guy? Should we kill him too? Probably not. Even if he has a really bad haircut? Still no. All right Jimmy, well it looks like you're gonna live another day. Thank God I was sweating in places that don't see the sunlight. Boss, boss! What now? I have an idea that will solve world conflict. I'm listening. You know that prank where you call pizza hot and then you call dominoes and you put the phones next to each other and see what they say? Well, I had the idea that we would do that with every single government official. It would be hysterical. And surely by the end of the call we'd have world peace. That's a terrible idea. Oh, really? Because I really thought you were going to go for it and I have them all on the other line. What should I do?

Hang up! We have a big problem. Yes? Somebody blew up the bathroom and it's going to take a minute to get that fixed. Okay, well can you call someone? I did. Well, then problem solved. I called you. Three out of ten? Really? I solved so many problems for them.

They were about to put the US officials in a group call. But your heart rate was extremely high that entire simulation. That job was going to give you a heart attack. Oh. Well, then I guess it's a good thing you ranked me low. So do I get to be part of a criminal group? I'm so tired of everyone thinking I'm a goody two shoes. Although you were a very good hacker, we did have hackers in this session score 10

10 out 10s and you only scored an 8. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to keep doing these occupation assessments until you find the right thing. Hopefully the next category has something I fit into. Lazzang sur-gely, puissance-molyne, we're playing.

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