Jessica Kaylee - The Elf Occupation Assessment

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

The Elf Occupation Assessment Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My stomach hurts. I'm so nervous. Mine too. But it's because I eat too many Christmas cookies. What if we don't get the same elf occupation? Then we'll hang out a bunch after hours. Pickles, you're up. Good luck. I got it. I got what I wanted. You're a toy elf?

Yours truly. I'm going to make the best dolls. I really hope I get that one too. My life is ruined. She must have gotten a reindeer elf. I hope I don't get that one. I do not want to scoop reindeer poop the rest of my life. Eloise, you're up. Come on in, have a seat. The scanner will begin shortly.

Huh, that's weird. We're gonna have to do it again. Hold still this time. I'm not moving. And no talking. Does it normally take this thong? No, it doesn't. Something is very, very wrong. What's wrong? For some reason it's not able to read your elf occupation. Oh, well, that's okay. I could just be a toy elf. No, no, it's important your match correctly so you're set up for success,

which means we're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. Which is? You're going to be given an occupation test and you will try out all the different occupations to see which one best suits you. Any questions? Yes, actually. Too bad. Your test begins now. Wait! You must be Eloise. We've been expecting you.

I am. Your task is to make 3,600 cookies today. Been easy on you since it's your first day. That's still a lot of cookies. The average elf eats 300 cookies a day, so the demand is high. Come on, I'll show you where your station is. Oh, excuse me. Where are the Christmas cookie cutters? Cookie cutters? That's a good one.

Why is that funny? I'm supposed to make snowman, Christmas trees, and dancing reindeer cookie shapes. He's laughing because you make them with your hands. It's quicker. See? How did you do that? It just comes naturally. Try it. You might surprise yourself. I hope so. Eloise, let's see your final cookies. I didn't quite make 3,600. All right. How many did you make then? 19. 1900? That's not terrible. No. No, not 100. What?

I see. Well, let's have a look. These are the dancing reindeer, Christmas trees, and snowballs. Well, those do look like balls, just not snowballs, and don't even get me started on the dancing reindeer. That's X-rated. Only if your mind's in the gutter... Well, how did I do? We're not going to discuss your score until the very end. Just try your best at all of them.

I am trying. Whoa! You landed on a present, Eloise. Sorry, I really need to work on my landings. Eh Louise, over here. Sorry again. Here is a stack of presents you'll be ramping today. Okay, that's not too bad.

You're expected to complete tan stacks. I spoke too soon. Let me guess, you don't use scissors here. You just rip the paper perfectly with your magic hands. Don't be ridiculous! Of course we use scissors here. We want perfection, so it's important you cut in perfectly straight lines. Well, that's kind of straight.

Are you kidding me? That's as straight as Edna. Excuse me! That's still straighter than me. Thank you very much. Why did they have to be perfectly wrapped anyways when kids just tear them open? It's not that they have to be.

It's that we want them to be. It makes them feel extra special. There, how's this? It's not horrible for your first one. This was my 50th. Oh, reindeer. Eloise, I must say, I'm very impressed at you getting all your packages wrapped today.

Thank you. It was actually really fun. However, your rapid skills are questionable and your bow-tying skills are a kindergarten level. So what are you saying? I'm just saying, don't be surprised if you don't end up here. This is very unnecessary. I clearly belong as a toy elf. You still have to give all the occupations a fair chance, including this next one. Whoa! I landed in comments, doo-doo!

I have to be the worst at this one. I cannot. and up here. So you guys really just scoop poop all day? Not all day. We also feed the reindeer and brush them. Oofs, come quick. Donna's having a baby. It's so cute.

Do you want to hold it? Can I? Here. Lazzang sur-gillet, puissance-molyne, Putsmaint, we're playing. We're playing.

Vive the pleasure with Leo Jo. The casino on-line that proposes the most recent machine to sous and the games of casino in direct. Profite of 50 tours gratuys on Big Bas Bonanza without exigions of mis and with

payment instantane. Hey, I've gained. Woohoo! Sontier the pleasure Play Ojo! 108 and plus, 1, 1st, only depot in Ontario.

50 tours on the machine to paycheos Bonanza, deposit, deposit, deposit. De conditions

apply money. She is the cutest reindeer I've ever seen. Who gets to name her? You can if you want. I'm going to name you Annabelle. I think she likes you.

I like her. But someone Health can holder. Are you sure? You're a natural. No, I'm not here. Is everything okay? It looks like you're a real natural with the reindeer. Anyone can hold a reindeer. It's not hard. I was not a natural. You know, being a reindeer helper isn't a bad occupation, right? There are no bad elf occupations. I never said it was bad. It's just I don't belong there and I know it. Well, maybe you'll belong at this next one. All right, elves, gather around. It's time to practice. Eloise, are you a soprano or an alto? I don't know.

Let's try you as a soprano. You can stand over there. All right, jingle bells, on three. One, two, three. Jingle bells, jingle all the way. Stop, stop, someone is terribly off key. Let's try it again. Jingle bells, jingle bells, diggle balls.

Stop, someone is burning my ears off. We're going to have to find the culprit. Let's go one at a time. Ralphie, you're up. Jingle bells, jingle bells. No, it's not you. You have perfect pit. Eloise?

You go. Takeo pass! Takeo! Okay, stop. You know what, we're gonna move you to Alto. Okay. Now everyone, let's do rocking around the pole from the top. I love being a Christmas Carol elf.

You guys get a dance and sing to some of those songs? Yeah, it's called show choir and it's spectacular. No wonder everyone's so happy here. I mean, you get to sing all day. It is really fun, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. What do you mean? You don't exactly have what we would call a good elf ear. You were off key all day.

I mean, it doesn't really. really matter. I was singing the loudest and proudest out of everyone. That's the issue. Inquire you want your voice to blend in and not stick out like a squealing pig. I don't say anything. Just give me the next one. The trial you will be watching over is Molly, a nine-year-old girl from Massachusetts. Now, I was an elf on the shelf, your job is to observe Molly and report back to Santa whether she has been naughty or nice. I can't wait to get to know her. You can't talk to her. We have a very strict, no-talking policy. and she's not allowed to touch you.

We'll send you there now. Good doggie, doggy, doggy. No, stay. Stay, stay. Stay! You can't get me from up here, ha, ha. Did you just talk? No.

Yes, you did. I heard you. Shh, I could get in trouble for talking. I'm not supposed to. How come you can't talk? I don't know, actually. I'm just supposed to sit and watch you. No one talks to me.

Mom and dad are always too busy. I wish I had. had someone to play with. I'll play with you. Really? Yeah, I'm already gonna get fired for talking to you anyway, so might as well have some fun first. Yay! Look how pretty you are.

Wow, Bolly, you were right about the makeover. I know, I'm gonna be a makeup artist when I grow up. It's time for me to go. Be good, okay? Okay, bye. Nice look. Thanks. You know you weren't supposed to talk to the child, right?

I know, but I couldn't help it. She was lonely. You have two more to try. Some advice, follow the rules. Eloise, you are to go through this stack of profiles and sort them between naughty and nice. Use your best judgment as Santa will check it twice. I'm on it. Let's see.

Tyson, a 14-year-old boy from New Jersey, got in a fight at school, but also volunteers at his local youth group every Wednesday. The fight was probably a one-time thing. Nice. Page, an eight-year-old girl from Arizona, got a lot of Got sent to detention multiple times for talking during class, talked back to her parents, and put a spider under her brother's bed. But did he deserve it? A one-year-old dog ate his mom's underwear, peed in the cat litter box, and gave so many kisses.

What a good boy! Eloise, you've only marked two people as naughty. Yeah, most of these kids are pretty good! Charlie from Nebraska who pulled the fire alarm is considered pretty good. There wasn't enough information there. Like, why did he pull the fire alarm? Was there a fire? If it was written down, there probably wasn't a fire.

But we don't know that for sure. Eloise, you're onto your last occupation. Yes, finally I'm going to show you that I belong as a toy elf. Good luck. Hello, Eloise. Today you're going to be helping us make nut crackers. You have to make 400 to complete your daily quota. No problem.

I was born to do this. Okay, get to your station. Pickles? There you are. You disappeared earlier. What happened? My sorting was inconclusive, so I have to take a test now to see where I belong. Well, tell them you belong here.

I've been trying, but I have to do super good today for them to believe me. Come work by me. We can race. Wow, you're going so fast! I already hit my quota for today. I'm gonna be over. There is no way they could deny that you were born for this. Eloise, can I talk to you?

Sure. We were very impressed by the work you put out. Thank you. Until we went through and did a quality of this. through and did a quality check on them. What do you mean? It seems like you might have been going a little too fast. The Nutcracker's heads are popping off,

and some of their legs were glued on backwards. Well, Pickles and I were talking a little bit. I must have been a little distracted. Well, that's too bad, because we're going to have to change your output number to 75. 75? I won't pass. The other toys we can't use because of their poor quality.

I'm sorry, Eloise, but I don't think you're going to be a toy elf. What's with the long face? Clearly I'm not a natural talent at anything, but I work really hard. Why can't I just choose what I want to be? Because, Eloise, it can be difficult for you to see where your talents are best fit. Tell me, why do you want to be a toy elf anyways? Because all my friends are?

That's it, because your friends are? And they get to test out the toys and play with them. I mean, that's really fun. Well, let's see where the sorter thinks you belong, okay? Santa's helper, but that wasn't an occupation choice? No, it wasn't because it's very, very rare to get. What does Santa's helper do? You will be accompanying Santa on his sleigh on Christmas Eve, and your job is

is to keep him awake. Talk his ear off if you want to. That's perfect. I'm a great talker. You are indeed. Eloise. Are you happy with your assignment even though it wasn't what you were expecting?

More than happy. You were right, Grandfather Elf. Everything happened the way it was supposed to. Well, go on. Go find Santa. Eloise, you got your occupation? I did. I might not get to be a toy elf,

but I'm so excited to be Santa's helper. That's the perfect job for you. Meet me in the Hot Cocoa Lounge after work to celebrate? Absolutely.