Just As Well, The Women's Health Podcast - I Spent Years Hating Myself - Now I'm Finally Free | Vicky Pattison

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Vicky Pattison joins Gemma Atkinson and Claire Sanderson on Just As Well to share the powerful story behind her journey to Strictly Come Dancing. From crippling anxiety and toxic relationships to therapy, self-acceptance, and learning to give herself grace, Vicky opens up about how she rebuilt her confidence and turned years of self-doubt into strength. Now a Women’s Health cover star and Strictly contestant, she talks about why her 30s have been her happiest years, how she manages PMDD, and what it really takes to thrive in the public eye. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. Hi, I'm Gemma Atkinson. And I'm Claire Sanderson, the editor-in-chief of Women's Health. We've just recorded just as well with the wonderful Vicki Patterson, who of course has her own podcast, doesn't she? She has Get a Grip with Angela Scanlon, which is brilliant. It's a really good pod. We were really honoured to have Vicky on our podcast, and she comes straight to record from us from her very first women's health shoot. Yes, cover shoots.

So apparently it has been a goal of hers for years. and being on the cover of woman's health was at the very top of her vision board. So I'm so thrilled for her that I've been able to give her that opportunity. But she's so... She really deserves me on the cover of woman's health. She's such an honest, grounded, emotionally intuitive, articulate woman. I feel like I've gotten to know her in preparation for this podcast. And then also during our chat, which was longer than an hour,

I'm really, really warm to her. I feel that we've come away friends and I'm, you know, I'm not, I'm deluded enough to think we're going to be be bezies. But I really feel that she's just such a lovely, down-to-earth, relatable woman who's achieved so much because she has put public messages out there about PMDD, about deep fake porn, about compromised body image

and how she's come to a place of acceptance. And she's got huge platform on social media. and she said that she feels she has a responsibility to put herself out there in an honest and open way to help other women. She spoke as well how about like most people, no one has a, well you're very lucky if you do have a smooth ride

when it comes to your relationships and your life experiences. And you know, she's been very open and honest about the struggles she used to have and the struggles that she faced and she's still in therapy with the speakmans which she said she started with them before she went in the jungle,

well just before she went in the jungle. So she's kind of an advocate for self-ful care for women's health because she is living her best life but she's taking care of herself in the process you know she's no longer abusing her body the way she used to she's mentally in a great place she looks fantastic gorgeous yeah looks i mean how anyone can ever say anything negative about her appearance baffles me because she was like she came in in this power suit didn't she she just looked wonderful yeah just beautiful and i think even more beautiful because of the confidence that she exudes.

But the emotional honesty that she presents as well, there was a point in our conversation where she started to well up. And that's quite unusual these days. People are quite guarded, aren't they? They don't put their true self out there, and she does. And she's had a full day shooting. She's got a full day of Strictly tomorrow.

Yeah. But here's our chat with Vicky. Enjoy. Welcome back to another episode of Just as Well, now today's guest, very, very excited. Vicki Patterson is joining us. Vicki shot to fame 15 years ago, would you believe, on our screens on Jordy Shore. And since then, she has become one of the best known faces on our TV screens. She won I'm a celebrity in 2015, as well as hosting a very

own shows for us. So you've done so, so well, Vic. You're a woman's health advocate. You share your experience on PMDD so openly that it is now being spoken about in the mainstream media. thanks to Vicky. And she's our current women's health cover star. The shoot looks fantastic. And most importantly, as far as Claire's concerned, she's starring on Strictly Come Dancing. Claire's a massive Strictly fan.

Oh yeah. Yes, huge. Obsessed. For years and years and years, I love it. So I'm so thrilled that you're on there. I'll be watching every week and voting. Will you? For me?

Yes. Okay, that's true. No, I definitely will. All the ones that I know I vote for. So we're friends now So yeah Yeah that's it So I vote for my friends

Do you know I've loved strictly for years Like I think everybody does Like I used to sit and watch it with my grandma Like I've sat and watched it with like My niece and all the rest of it And it was just such a huge like bucketless thing When I got the call It was a complete no brain up

But now I'm in the midst of it Like balls deep I'm regretting absolutely everything I am so nervous all the time Like I'm really out my comfort zone And you know yourself gem it's one of the toughest things I've ever done so yeah I'm starting to feel like I underestimated it slightly do you know I always and you say the toughest thing I always say that to I think people don't realize the mental strength you have to have because you're doing something

out of your comfort zone and it's not just like the critique from the judges which to be honest when they used to speak a laish used to cover my ears no don't listen don't listen it's there's always armchair experts I find but the not even armchair experts with the celebrities. When the professional dancers do a dance, Gorker will get messages saying his toe was out or is this. And it's like, it used to be a Spanish champion. You're sat on your armchair, giving people advice on a subject

and you don't do yourself. So you've just got to forget about all that. Do you know what I mean? You've got to blank all of it out and think for three minutes every Saturday night, I'm going to have the best time on the dance floor, dancing with the wonderful Kai. You're in safe hands.

And you won't get the opportunity again. So you have to just, you've got to. You've got to yolo it now. I know, and do you know what? I will kick myself. I'm really bad at that, like getting in my own head and, like, getting a bit stressed out about stuff and these amazing experiences almost like passes by.

I did a show in the summer, which I can't talk about. It's not come out yet. And I've wanted to do that for years as well. And the first day, I was just so stressed. I was storming around, like getting in my own head, beating myself up and all the rest of it. And then that night I had to go back the hotel and have a real word for myself because I said,

you've wanted to do this for years. And if you don't, just take a breath and live in the moment, you're going to regret it because you'll not get another chance. These are once-in-a-lifetime things. So I did. I came back the next day and I was a whole new person. I loved it. And I hope I can get a grip of myself with a strictly journey as well

because you're so right, mate. I only get one go. I really want to enjoy it. I want to put on a great show. I want to have fun memories of it. You know, everyone I speak to, like whether it's you, Ruth Lange, Fadzara, Davies, Angela, Pete, they all loved it.

And I want to do, Kai said, I don't know. I can already feel I'm getting on his tits. Surely after the first, well you said week three, was it? When you started, Gemma said week three was when it sort of clicked and she thought, I just need to have a laugh. Just need to go for it. So I've got, yeah, week three. Because you don't learn to dance.

You learn a dance routine every week. And that's what I told myself. And no one's expecting me at the end to be a ballroom dancer. It's like you learn a routine for three minutes on the dance floor on Saturday night. And then you're never going to do that routine again. It's forgotten about next week it's a new start and you challenge. So, yeah, when people say to me, do you still dance? When do I?

No. I'm not sure I ever dance. Absolutely not, no. Well, if you didn't sign after a samba class then. No. I just had images of you and Gorka doing, like, the tangle and stuff. I would expect you to dance at home, do you not? No.

See, he doesn't dance when he's not working. Really? No. And like he says, it's his job. He said, so when I'm not employed by Strictly or when I'm not doing a show, the last thing I want to be doing is dancing. Talking's my job. Honestly, you kind of shut me up at home.

What dancer you're most looking forward to? See, I just got asked this the other day when I was filming on me strictly stuff, and I don't know them, Jim. I honestly don't know them. I know the waltz. That would be lovely, the nice frock. Yeah, I feel like I'm not going to lie.

I'm mostly excited about the costumes, to be fair. But yeah, so I think maybe the waltz would be nice. The fast ones look fun, but they do scare us a little bit. We did like with the opening number the other day. It was like four minutes. Honestly, last last hour. I was stripping like. an egg sandwich I was sweating and I was out of breath and everything I thought I thought I

was relatively fit but clearly I'm not so maybe the fast ones aren't going to be for me and have you watch the pros do their pro numbers because I did that thing I sat in claudor's area stupidly before we'd began our training I sat in claudia's area and watched them do a group dance I shit me up because I just went I hope no one's expecting me to do or look like that it's so intimidating they're so good aren't they we um we did that the other day and we sat and watched them all and stuff and like then we did our bit that's like integrated within that and there's this moment where Kai picks us up and like spins us around and like obviously I know I'm not a dance alasses but in my head in that moment I was like Swan Lake I was graceful as out I had like

all the body lines and everything was great and I watched it back and I was like I look like a drunk bird getting kicked out of a nightclub by a dorm and like right you've had enough and I was thinking oh my God like I think it's just a brand new principle isn't it and if I keep staying in my head I'm not going to enjoy it or a sound advice from your gem and it's not the first time i've heard it pete gave us a good talking to this morning as well had a little cry on the phone to him yeah you've got to get through it and obviously away from strictly you're happily married blissfully married your wedding pictures look it's like something out of a fairy tale yeah i've still got the wedding blues i think a year later really yeah and you're like really come across with such a lovely homebody and you've got the dogs

and the husband everything's lovely but it's not always been really but it's not always been like that for you and you've been really open about the fact like many of us you have had the shitty relationships you have had those difficult times and I think that's why people relate to you so much because it's not just been oh plain sailing look at me everything's perfect was it a conscious decision for you to be open about those experiences or is it just something you found helped you um you said so many nice things in there by the way so thank you um I'm obviously really lucky that I found can't you know what I mean like he's made me I don't like you know that whole like this it's a bit cliche isn't it like oh he saved me blah blah blah like make no mistake I saved myself you know

I was on a really dangerous trajectory when I was younger and it would be very easy for me to blame geordy shore or empty V or whatever else but it's probably best I called myself a comfortable and say you know I was quite problematic when I was younger and I did a lot of stuff I regret but I worked on myself. I went to therapy. I went to life coaching. I distanced myself from situations and people that I knew weren't serving me anymore, that I knew weren't healthy for me to be around. And when I did that, I found someone who complimented who I wanted to be, you know, and with him I am more patient, I'm more thoughtful, I'm kind, I'm a better version of myself, I'm who I want to be. I get a lot from him and I hope he gets a lot from me. But in terms of the sort of less healthy relationships

I've had. When I first started in TV and in the public I was 21 and like I'm sure you can relate to this like so much of my life was especially being from reality TV documented and out there for public consumption that actually are

even as a nearly 40 year old woman don't understand and sometimes blur the lines about what should be shared and what should be intimate. Like I'd keep me PR like a coiled spring he's like what you're going to say today what you're going to share today you know because I actually I don't know for like five 10 years my whole life was was it was lived in front of the cameras and that gives you a warped

perception of what is intimate um so people got the highs and lows in my life a part of us actually doesn't regret that because I do think the transparency is important you know and everybody kisses a few frogs everybody gets the heartbroken like it's not playing sailing for a lot of people you know we're not my mom's generation where they just like fell in love but in high school and you know had kids and blah blah all the rest of it there's a lot more i think hurdles for women now so no i'm it wasn't a conscious decision at all but i don't regret it i feel like it's important to show both sides of the coin when it comes to romance and love and i've definitely experienced both of them and found me happily ever after, so I reckon I may give people who.

Rinse takes your laundry and hand delivers it to your door, expertly cleaned and folded. So you could take the time once spent folding and sorting and waiting to finally pursue a whole new version of you. Like tea time you. Or this tea time you. Or even this tea time you. Said you hear about Dave? Or even tea time, tea time, tea time you. So update on Dave.

It's up to you. We'll take the laundry. Rince, it's time to be great. I think especially in the job you're in, because people expect if you're in the public eye, I mean, I was, like you, I was young. I started on Holoch when I was 16. Yeah, I thought you were young. And so from 16 to like 25, you're finding yourself, you're going out with different guys. And I said to you don't know, I'm so grateful there was no social media about then because I used to like go out on a Saturday night and the Sunday morning fear of going out.

I remember taking my nephew to Blue Planet Aquarium one Sunday, and there was a picture of me on the front page from a night out on the Friday, drunk with Kathy, who played me mom again. And I remember my stomach dropped. The fact that you can still remember that now. I was like, oh my gosh. And I hated it.

And the thought of that, but with everyone messaging me, strangers messaging me, oh, you're saggy this, you drunk. I wouldn't have been able to deal with that. No. I got on the phone to my mom cried, and she was like, Jim, you had a night out. early 20s, it's what people do get over it. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, do you know what? Great enough. Yeah. But had other people had access to me, that would have made it different. And you, like, you say, became into public eye when public access was easily there. For people you've never even met to let them, let you know what they think of you, it's horrible. Social media is a double-edged sword, isn't it? Like, you know, you mentioned me PMD day earlier.

I would have never got diagnosed with that if it wasn't for social media. Really? I was going to say doctors on and off a year. explaining my symptoms and I was ignored gaslit dismissed convinced I was crazy at one point right and it was through talking to women on social media and like discussing my symptoms and saying you know I'm really struggling with my periods that I even first heard of PMDD so I can't be too disparaging about it entirely you know um however there is a dark side where a more problematic a more toxic side and I think I do struggle with that I do I do so because I just think

I would never log on like a social media like I would never log on Instagram or whatever and just to be nasty cause them on something but you know I think I'm really privileged I've got a nice husband I've got a nice house

I've got a nice life and I'm finding a place where I like myself my family are all great I like my job like I'm a happy person you know there's plenty of people out there who aren't in this situation and I think you've got to I'm not going to sit here and be like

oh give the world grace they deserve kindness because trolls are absolute twatts, but I do think you've got to pity them to a certain extent. If you're logging onto social media just to be horrible to a person who you've never met, who is a virtual stranger, I think you have work to do on yourself. So that's what I try and remain myself. It's the logical side of your brain. Yeah. You can come to that conclusion, but the emotional side of the brain I want to chin them. Still, yeah, and latch on to the negative and the... And hold on to it. Yeah. Yeah, it's really, it's really difficult.

But you do have to think it's these pathetic people who, you know, have nothing in their lives apart from attacking others. Yeah. Then why would you listen to them? No, I know. And you do have to have, you do have to be quite measured and apply all that logic. But like you say, it's easier said than done sometimes. Like I'm sitting here with you two, lovely ladies. Like, you know, having a nice day, it's easy to think, oh, that'd be water off a duck's back.

But when you're lying there and you're on your period or you're hung over, you've had a hard day or you've had a row with your fella. and someone has the, some of them have this like magnificent way of zoning in to your biggest insecurities. Like I get, I still get people reminding us about who I used to be from 15 years ago, you know. And that is something that I really work to try and forget, you know. So when people drag you back there, it's awful. But where were they? Like, I don't think there's anyone in this room who is the same now as they were 15 years ago.

I mean, cranky. I always think. You were at the aquarium, jam. I was at the aquarium with like beer fear thinking, who did I wake up with today? Do you know what I mean? It's that whole kind of, everyone has a life and experiences. And I don't think anyone should be made to feel ashamed of something they did at a certain time in their life. Because people change and people grow up, people fall in love.

And people react, I think, depending on who you were. You know, I've had partners who brought out the worst in me. Yeah. And we weren't meant to be together. And that's fine. I've now got one who brings out the best in me. So it's just to go through all of that publicly. And your brilliant, Claire was saying one of the reasons she wanted you on the cover

was because your body confidence now is just so incredible compared to how it was. How have you worked on that and navigated that? I feel like the whole body confidence and accepting the skin you're in is like a journey every woman goes on. And like I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s. the peak of like diet, toxic diet culture, you know, you had the red circle of shame on all the like glossy mags, heaven forbid,

a celebrity caught with like armpit hair or cellulite or a belly roll, whatever. He had the special care diet, can we remember that? Like all these things, like fat burners, like all of them. And I'm not sitting here for a single second and saying that didn't perpetuate some of those cultures or buy into them or fall prey or whatever. But like I was just a product of me.

generation as I've got older I've realized that there's just more to life than look in a certain way and I wish I could say like this was the trick I used or I wish I could tell like oh any gorgeous women listening like oh I just did this and I learned to love myself I didn't it comes with age it really does like as you get older you you just want different stuff like I want to feel good all day which for me means being like strong even the right things you know allowing me so some treats like being kind of myself getting your resting you know and it's not training or eating right isn't about some like unmentainable aesthetic it's about how I feel how it makes me feel you know whether I'm capable so and I just think I think as you get older you just accept what you

look like and your lumps and bumps you start to appreciate your body it's no longer something that's just for like fellas to desire or girls to envy it's for it's for you it's your whole it's your whole You know what? It's what keeps your life, what looks after you. So I think it was just an age thing for me, the acceptance. But I did feel really strongly that I wanted to encourage more women to feel like that. Because obviously I'd spent years hating what I saw in the mirror, trying to change my body, weaponising exercise, counting the fucking blueberries on my porridge. Like I just didn't want to be that person anymore. So yeah, I talk openly about, you know, me cellulite or we love some bumps, my little, I can't. and calls it my little shishko. It means a little chubby and Turkish. But yeah, so I talk about all those things in the hopes that, you know, more women will say, like, and look, she's happy, she's confident,

she's got a nice fella, have a nice life, whatever. And her body's not stereotypically perfect, whatever that even means. So, yeah, I do think if I've got a platform, I've got a bit of a responsibility to do that. I don't always get it right, like. But we're taking a little step backwards, society-wise, on body positivity and body confidence, aren't we?

because we're moving back into a culture where skinny is the ultimate goal and larger bodies are not necessarily being celebrated and by larger I mean not skinny, I don't mean obese or just normal bodies. We've got a feature coming up in women's health about one of our writers who is a perfectly normal, lovely, curvy, size 10, 12,

saying she's never had an issue with body confidence and suddenly she is starting to creep in because everyone around her is getting smaller. It's a shame, isn't it? Like, I've got no judgment about anything anyone chooses to do. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's their own journey and their own life and all the rest of it. But I did think we're getting somewhere with the whole body confidence thing.

But it's hard to undo a lifetime of conditioning, isn't it? We all know that hard. Like, what whole lives is women, we have been convinced that our worth hinges on how we look, whether we want to find love whether we want to find success whether whatever it is that is on how you look and potentially as well how small you are that has been difficult for a lot of people

that requires exercise it requires sacrifice sometimes it requires not eating the things you want it's hard there has now been an option presented to us that is a supposed easy way out and it's very difficult to have felt like that your whole life feel inadequate feel whatever and now have this easy answer in front of you I don't judge anyone

That's, I can't it. It's people's relationship with food as well. There are people that certain companies are preying on the vulnerable who aren't mentally strong enough to say, do you know what, I'll try this or I'll do this. And you mentioned the switch for you was with age. It was for me, but more so for me having my daughter. I remember thinking that when I look at a playing now,

I think, gosh, I would hate for anyone to say to her, aren't you got big legs? Why have you got sal you like? and I listen to the things that I would have told myself and I think I'm never ever going to let her see me go like this or adjust myself or you know shrink because of my my body that was really pivotal I hear a lot of women say that it must be really powerful time yeah because you don't want them to ever feel

insignificant like you say just because of how they look you know what I mean there's so much more to to us as you're not just girls like lads as well there's a lot of pressure I think on lads like if they've not got a six-pack if you've not got muscles, if you don't train, you're not manly. It's the same for them as well. I think a lot of men go through insecurities. I've got friends who won't take the top off on holiday. Lads, they'll say, I've got man boobs,

and they'll someday with a t-shirt on, literally because they feel, because they haven't got a six-pack, they're not in shape. I thought the whole dad-bod thing was a proper revolution. I thought we're really going for it. I don't know. We're just cruel to ourselves, aren't we, in general, regardless of the sex?

I do think it's a shame. though I wish we could just be a bit more accepting. I hope that we're a generation of women who are speaking differently about our bodies in front of our daughters, even if truly we don't believe it about ourselves, we're putting on an act. Fake it till you make it. Yeah, because when I think about my childhood,

I genuinely went to Welsh Slim, which was basically Weight Watchers in Wales, when I was 12, with my auntie. That's really, my sister talks about her earliest memories with my grandma, who was a lovely woman, by the way, I'm not digging out me ever since. but she basically says

she remembers my grandma saying to her if you lose a pound I'll give you a pound yeah oh wow and like that sort of stuff in those formative years really stays with you but when moms were grandmas they didn't think they were doing anything wrong they were again a product of their generation

and environment and that's what I mean about it taking a lifetime to undo sort of conditioning like that we are making changes but the progress is just slow and unfortunately like I do know this new wave is counterproductive to all that body positivity stuff.

But I like to think we'll find where we're back again. So you've mentioned that you've been in therapy to help you heal after destructive behaviours, what you've coined as a complicated relationship with alcohol. What have you learned through your therapy journey to help you get to a place of where you are now? So I go and see, have you heard of the speakments? Yes, from this morning.

Oh, I love them. They're amazing, honestly. I credit those two with saving my life almost. I really do. I started seeing them about 10 years ago just before I went in the jungle. And at the time I was like, angry little ball of Jordie Ridge. I blamed everyone.

It was everyone else's fault. And oh God, it was just no accountability, no nothing. Anyway, they tricked me and they're going to see them. They said I was going to say them, I was about to go in the jungle. And they were like, their phobia fighters. So they're going to help you with your fear. of spiders, fear of cockroaches and this, that and the other.

And I was like, all right, great, no problem. And I went and I swiftly realized I was being hoodwinked. And they were they had to unpack some more serious things than just cockroaches and spiders. But within about three hours, I sat with them and I'd cried, I'd talked, I'd processed loads of my childhood traumas and things like that. And they became an imperative part of my life and pivotal in becoming who I am now. it's a lot of like it's a lot of talking

it's a lot of you know opening up past wounds and I suppose processing the difficult things that you've compartmentalised you know the stuff you think I'm okay I'm fine now I'm fine now you're not fine pushing things down you're never going to be fine

it'll spill out in some way whether it's angry when you're drunk whether it's sobbing over a small thing like trauma doesn't go away just hides in your body. You have to unpack it and process it. And that's what I learnt with them. So, yeah, I say them, I suppose not as consistently as I would like.

I am back with them now. I'm on strictly like I thought it was for the best. But yeah, I think everybody, I advocate strongly for everyone to have like a therapist. It's been instrumental in helping me. Be healthy, I be happier, you know. It's nice as well to speak to people who, they've no preconceptions because if they don't know you personally

in terms of how a mate would or how like a lot of family members will say what they think is the right thing because they love you so they're coming in it from a different perspective or as if it's just a that they're a therapist it's their job just to be the hard stuff yeah and to listen more so I think it's great that you're an advocate for it how do you feel as well I turned 40 last November you look great oh thank you and we always say

I got the, with this birthday specifically, I got the head tilt of nearly 40. I loved it. I genuinely. I say the alternative to aging is being dead. Every November I celebrate big for my birthday. You were Scorpio. Yeah, Scorpio. 16th of November I am.

Same. Are you the 16th of November? Yeah. No, you're not. 16th of November? Oh, we have to have a party in Blackpool then. Oh, for Strictly. Don't jinx is true.

Don't jinks is true. Touch, touch one. Yeah, so I always think another year around the sun, another year of memories, of experiences, how are you embracing? Because you're not 40 yet at all, are you? 37. So you've got a while. How are you feeling, though, about being that closer to it?

Oh. I don't know if I've thought about it. I think I definitely felt a shift in the way I saw myself this out of 35. But you know, so many nice things have happened to me in my 30s. Like in my 20s, I lived in, like, habitual fear. Like I was just permanently riddled with anxiety and crippled with insecurity and hated myself wanted to look like everyone else didn't

you know like all these things there was so much inadequacy and comparing myself to others and I think I really struggled with that in my 30s I've been far more accepting and kind I met Urkan we got married we adopted the dogs we bought a house my career is going the way I want

my relationship with my family's nice like that sounds like a smug prick like my 30s have been great so I kind of think I think being afraid of getting older I don't know who pushed that idea Ronwood but I'm certainly not buying into it I'm thriving in my 30s

I've got my mom to look up to she's 66 and she's like the happiest she's ever been she looks absolutely wicked she's travelling around France currently with her fella having like the time of her life loves her job like still works because she wants to not because she has to

do you know what I mean she's just so full energy and everything. So I think having a strong female role model like that who really instills in you that life doesn't end at 40 or do you know what I mean? Like it just gets better and better it's all to do with mindset. I think that's been really imperative in the way I say getting older. So yeah, I'm quite excited about it. Also she does not give a shit what anyone thinks about and I think that's really inspiring. Yeah. That comes with age. Yeah. It's from the dirty 30s to the 90s and so far I've loved it. What about the was it a flirty 50s? So I'm close to to that.

Nifty 50s? Nifty 50s? Sxy 60s. Oh God, that's a long time off. But it's a nice to love for doing it. It is. You don't want to be nifty. Nifty 50s.

No, we don't think of a better one than that. Foxy 50s. Foxy 50s. That'll be a proxy 50. No. No, I want to be fantastic. You've spoke as well, Vic, talking of like milestones and looking into the future.

Again, you've been really open with the egg freezing process, which has been brilliant because now that's being spoken. talking about. Was that something you decided, did you always want to do that or was it something when you met your fellow you thought? Yeah. So we, obviously I, as mentioned, like my love life hasn't gone exactly how I anticipated in my head and I found myself single in my early 30s, which, you know, as a girl from the North East was not on my bingo card, all my pals, but like married and happy and settled down and having kids and I just thought, fucking hell have I got to start again. And of course, it ended in quite a...

quite a difficult way as well so like my confidence was knocked you know what I mean so it took my hot minute to pull myself back together anyway I met her can and I was really keen for our relationship would just develop naturally I think I'd probably rush things with people before because I felt all these like outside external pressures to be married by 30 and have kids by,

do you know what I mean? All those things that society tells you you must do at certain times so I was really keen to I suppose just let let what will be be with Urkan and he's a bit younger than me as well so I'm 37 and he's 32

so um Is that same? Yeah well a bit more Gokker's six years younger than me Is he? He was 35 Last week he was 35 Yeah

I've still not give him his give I've just give her case Hang on we've got loads of parallels haven't we Yeah So Gokers the 4th of September Erkan's the 6th How funny How funny

I had done didn't I Um Yeah, so hey, so we wanted our relationship to develop naturally and stuff like that. And we'd been together about three, four years maybe. We bought a house, we'd got the dog and I was thinking, I was thinking we might have two dogs. Anyway, I knew I could, I could, I could, I knew I was getting older in terms of like, having babies, like pregnancy sense. Like, the terminology around women over 35 having children is fucking grotesque. Like they still call your eggs geriatric when you're over 35.

so I did feel a certain level of like pressure about that but I knew we weren't ready to start a family like our relationship was still very much in its infancy and you know having a house together is one thing but like raising a child like that is next level of responsibility and I wanted to make sure I was with the right person and we're just doing things at the right time rather than because we thought we should be

so I did something that I thought was really responsible and we froze eggs and embryos and the process itself like everybody is different I can only speak on my own was relatively painless you know there was elements of discomfort

hormones all over the place is never fun we all have experienced bits of that but I think the hardest part for me was like the judgment that sort of surrounded it really yeah

so there was backlash from doing that yeah like I know fertility is a really triggering issue when I tried to approach it with like sensitivity and I felt like I did do that and I also knew I was in an extreme place of privilege

to be able to do it because it's an expensive process and I look forward to the day where it's far more affordable for every woman because it should be something that is available on the NHS, you know, should be giving women options, having kids in later life, exploring, doing whatever it is you want, you know. But yeah, I still wasn't,

when I was pumped full of synthetic hormones as well, like living on the edge it was the last thing I expected and could really like deal with I suppose when I was vulnerable but it was I got some horrible stuff horrible messages and I had to come off social media in the end

Was it mostly men or women or a mix? Do you know what mate It always kills me when it's women And it was it was women And I don't even think the way Like if somebody themselves had I would understood if it was a woman Who self was struggling with a fertility journey

And saw someone like me being able to freeze their egg and felt a certain type way, I would get that. I would completely understand that and it would feel no type of way. It's just like, people not understanding, being like,

if your partner doesn't want to have a kid with you now, he's never going to want to. Yeah. God doesn't want you to have a child. Always my favourite. You know, you're not meant to be a mother. Just accept it. If you're not having kids naturally,

you're not meant to be a mother. So much like misinformation and cruelty around choosing to have a child, like choosing your fertility journey, that's not the natural. just conceived type of way. So, yeah, that was a bit of a bit uphill to swallow, especially, like you say, when it came from women.

But I know I did the right thing on that. Like, women should know there's alternatives to just rushing your timeline or having kids with the wrong fella or feeling any certain pressure. Like, we should be in control. We should be able to pursue our careers, travel the world, live the life we want to live,

and then be more that, if that's the pathway you want, the biological body clock thing is a fucking punch in the dick and I think being able to freeze your eggs is a nice alternative to that but not everybody says it the same way because you do put so much of yourself on social media and you'll put quote-unquote and flattering pictures up and very personal content

and you mentioned earlier that sometimes you don't know where the line is do you overshare Oh, I definitely overshare. But so what drives you to, to share so much of yourself online? I suppose, like, spending me formative years on reality TV, again, you know, I've definitely got an unclear sort of perspective about what is appropriate to share and what isn't.

But also as well, like, I just find that the more transparent you are, the more you share, the more you encourage other people to talk about their things too. Like, if somebody knows, like, I'm struggling when we pay MDD or, you know, thinking about doing dry jam because potentially I'm worried about X, Y or Z, or I don't know, anything, I think they then feel like it's okay to have those issues too. This whole idea that Instagram, social media,

is a highlight reel of these perfectly polished picks and achievements and wonderful lives and matching pages at Christmas just leads people to feel inadequate. And what do we want to be? Do we want to be lovely people living in lovely lives? Or do we want to be a sad genital? with nothing but fucking pretty pictures in a square to prove her it. I don't know.

I feel quite passionately about that. You're in such a privileged position to be able to offer reassurance, support from afar to people going through similar experiences. I'd never heard of PMD until your Instagram. Genuinely, and that's certainly there had some doctors. I feel ashamed to say that as a woman. I never, I mean, I genuinely didn't, never heard of it until I, I don't. I saw it on your Instagram

and then I saw you talk about it on telly and I was like, oh my God, I know women who have similar and I've said to them, do you think it could be this? And they've since found out it is but they've not told anyone prior, prior to knowing about it,

he just suffered because they were frightened of being locked up in an inch, you know, like that, little histrionic or hysterical. Yeah. Yeah. Or it's just period pain, put up of this. That one you get a lot.

Yeah. That's really common. So what are your, so for anyone who's not aware of it, what are the symptoms that you get on a period? So PMDD is premenstrual dysphoric disorder and it's often blithely described as like heightened PMS which I personally feel doesn't do it justice. You can get a myriad of different symptoms and it manifests itself differently in a lot of people.

For me I experience, exhaustion, insomnia, crippling anxiety, self-loathing, um, dark thoughts. This is every month? Yeah, seven to ten days before your period. So half the month then really? Pretty much, babe, yeah. And then you get you... Do you know what it is?

I've once heard it described right as like... Imagine in your month you build this sand castle of really good habits, you know? You nurture your relationships. You go to the gym. You work hard. You eat right. You give birth to an avocado. Whatever it is, you do all these things.

And then this wave comes and takes everything away. and all it leaves in its place is like just hopelessness and despair and you feel like that you feel utterly lost this like strong confident articulate woman that I am most of the month just

completely disappears and in our place there's this like scared little girl who can't I can't speak sometimes I can't articulate myself I can't find the words it's like a brain fog and I know what I want to say and I can't find it

and I feel like I'm going insane and I get scared I think everyone hates us the week before my wedding I thought Irk didn't want to marry us I convinced myself he didn't want to marry us it was awful

I fought with it and then you've just got to rebuild again and then just every month every month man I've had so many women reach out to me and say like I just thought I was going insane

I got told I had menopause I got told every woman every woman's just dealing with this you just can't You're just not strong as everyone else. But that's how the doctor, as the men in general, like they keep your, I suppose, small quiet, you know,

because they make you feel ashamed. They send you away, they dismiss you. It's medical misogyny. It's finest, isn't it? And women deserve better. So, I mean, I myself, I got told you, all those things, but also, I tried losing weight. Oh, wow.

Periods will be better if you lose weight. You know, you're getting older. Women's periods get worse as they get older. I don't fucking patronise me if you haven't got a uterus. Do you know what I mean? Like I know for a fine fact I was not dealing with normal periods but they convinced us

and out of fear that I was just weak or you know I couldn't deal with her and shut up it was five years I was just going back and forth being made to feel silly and like I said it was before lasses

when I went to I turned to social media to discuss my symptoms and that's when I was that's when I was emboldened to go back and I went private and I got some answers

and there's no, they've no cure for it they don't know what is it hormonal not know what causes it. It's just... It's essentially like, I think people describe it as like a hormonal imbalance. So what it is is when you've got PMDDD, your body

really reacts to those changes in your hormones. Like, you're more sensitive to them than everybody else. And you're, I think when you've got less progester on your body, just, it just dips entirely. There's loads of different things out there you can do,

you know, whether it's a good diet or less caffeine, less dairy, more fatty fish, more green veg, like we all know these things, you know? But in terms of like this amazing wonder pill or one size fits all or a little operation or whatever, I know people who have had full hysterectomies and it hasn't helped.

And that is something doctors offer. We had a guest on, didn't we? Emma Barnett. Emma Barnett, she got endometrial... They'll offer if at that. And she said they kept offering her hysterectomy. Had she had kids? she'd had about six

she had a lot of miscarriages didn't she has got kids now but she was saying that the thing with that that annoys her is the offer you let's do this but she said endometeotosis and we didn't realise this she said some women have it on the bowel goes everywhere she said it's not

she says if you have it on your bowel how is it hysterectomy are going to help it's not going to and it's not one size fits all for everything but people it's like an umbrella for everybody without realising everyone has specific needs and, you know, we've not really moved on that much. Like, you know, I'd like to think we're more progressive

and all the rest of it, but you remember back if you used to answer your husband back, like, this is hyperbole, but like back in the day, if you used to answer your husband back, like, they'd burn you at stake for being a witch. A little couple years after that, like, they'd lock you up in a mental institution because, God, heaven forbid, a woman have an opinion. Like, I'm sorry now, if you go to the doctor hasn't explained that this is her or that's hurt, or that's hurt, no, you have a women's medical health issue. You are either told, we'll take your womb or have antidepressants.

either one of those things is all you are given like they don't listen to women they don't treat the problem they don't get to the bottom of what's bothering are really we're just expected to put up and shut up or have these really extreme things like as a solution and I just don't think it's fair I read a comment the other day that said there's more more money has gone into

the study of male pattern baldness than has into women's reproductive health Gosh, and it doesn't surprise me either. We've made a film with Good Morning Britain, and I was privileged enough to travel up and down the country and meet women suffering with adenomyosis, endometriosis, PMDD, all these different things, and their conditions are so debilitating in some cases.

I met a young woman in her 20s who has to walk with a walker due to lesions from endometriosis on so many of our organs. She was convinced she was hysterical. She has to now go to the doctors and speak with a mental health advocate on her behalf because they tried to gaslight her into thinking she was crackers. Do you know what I mean? She's so young as well. So young and so much ahead of it.

I've met women who spend 20 years without getting a diagnosis, you know, and really debilitating heartbreak and stuff. So I do try my best to use my platform to talk about that. and, you know, maybe I do share too much, my ways I do rabbit on about it a bit too much, but I feel like if I can help at least one woman feel like she's not alone or get an answer or, do you know what I mean? Like, I think I'm content with some people finding us annoying.

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Yeah, I always say that. For every, like, one troll, there's hundreds of others who are waving the flag with you, saying, thank God someone's speaking up about it. Thank God someone else is feeling shitty today. And thank God someone else has got cellular light and got this and got that. You know, I always find comfort in the normality of Insta. Yeah, I like that side of the coin.

Yeah. Don't get us wrong. I do like, I do like to see people celebrating and their glam pictures as well, but as long as they balance it out, I think it's nice. Because didn't you write a word street in after your... I'm going to go and say him. So when is that? Is that late October, yeah.

So I'm a bit nervous about that one. Oh, my God. Yeah. I don't think I thought little girl from Wall's End was going to get us all the way there. But hopefully I do it justice. I feel I've got the, I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders as trying to, you know, do all these women who are suffering justice, but hopefully I can...

You can do it on their behalf, can you? Yeah, that's what I'm hoping. You do have the voice, you are the voice of these working class women up north, around the country, who may not have the confidence or the education or the knowledge to advocate for themselves. So... The platform.

Yeah. Yeah. Fingers crossed for us, then lasses. Well, Vic, thank you so much for joining us. I am cautious of the time and I know you've got rehearsals as well. Norris, but before you go, we always ask the guest.

Claire's got a list of quick fire questions. Yes. Why do I feel nervous? Go on, Claire. Oh, no, they're nothing too, too arduous. So Gemma and I love eating and having meals cooked for us. We've decided to invite ourselves

around to your place with Urcan. Welcome anytime, babes. What are you going to cook us then? Oof, okay. What are you talking? You want three course or just like a meal? Yeah. Which is amazing.

Five if you want. Three, four. Yeah. Yeah, three course. Okay, I will start with... Oh, you really put us on the spot, lasses. Okay, we'll do picky bits. Is that okay?

Oh, yeah, like just some picky bits, so we'll do those little cheeses wrapped in, like, the hams and stuff from Marks and Spencers, maybe there's a little patier, crunchy, like, warm French sticks and red onion chutney, just like, picky bits, dips as well. Yeah, and then for Maine, ooh, I do a lovely, like, crispy Korean chicken.

nice yeah some rice maybe some maybe some chili broccoli as well that's got a bit of a kick and then for dessert we're all going to eat Ben and Jerry's on the sofa and watch a film

oh fish food yeah I like a rumcom babe everything else gives us anxiety what's your favourite rumcom anything with Jennifer Aniston yeah A long came polly is good

A long came polly is so underrated so undirated That's good Years ago My favourite cheery cheery colour film hands down 100% Dirty Dancing. Love it.

Did you ever watch Dirty Dancing too? I did. It's not quite as good. It's not quite as good, but it's got that real political element underneath, I guess you're fired up. What's the last thing that made you belly laugh? I was just walking through the corridors in here and I went to the toilet on my own.

The moment I was left unsupervised and some fella just jumped out from behind a wall and went and I know. I know. And he went you're not who I thought you were. Oh my God. Was he dressed all in black? Yes! It's will.

He was absolutely mortified and I just burst out laughing. I was like, who did you fucking think I was? That is the art director of men's and women's health. He looked mortified, bless him, tell him there's no hard feelings. That has made me barely laugh. I'm going to have to take the mick out of him tomorrow. What are you trying to do that too? I don't know.

But what do you think it was you maybe? Because you were dressed in black. I don't know. Yeah, might have been you. What would you mean? I giggled. You'll go into a desert island for a year. What would you take with you?

One thing you can take with you. Oh, one thing? Yeah. Kindle will loads of books on. Yeah. I'd just sit there and read, drink coconut water and swim. I would actually really like the break. What type of books do you like reading?

I like chick, like, chick lit. Yeah. So like anything. like, you know, your typical sun lounger reads, you know, something where someone falls in love or has a heartbroken and then it gets a happily ever after. I love that. But I also like those like murder mystery crime for other things as well.

Yeah, I heard of mystery. Just watched the Thursday book club the other day on Netflix. And apparently that's books and it's really good, so I'm going to get them. Yes. I like Freedom of Cladens as well. That's based on. It is. That's the fella.

Yeah. And Freedom McFadden's are good too. Right. You can choose one type of exercise to do forever more. What would it be? I like, I don't mind crunches I don't mind ab stuff so like maybe like bicycle crunches

or like you know the sit-up crunches I don't mind them I'm gonna do them all day anything with my legs I fucking I can't stand oh it's so hard because it's good for you I know I should do more I've got no arse I really should do something for me up I should say something for me butt

what's a good butt one if you get the band you'll have a good butt after strictly well I'm dancing in heels they've all got great but they have, aren't they? Yeah, the birds are unreal. I know, they look amazing. They're gorgeous, aren't it? And they're so nice as well. So are you gorgeous, but yeah, the women dancers

are so sexy, aren't they? Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're just so foxy, I could never be foxy. I'm just the same. Louba used to come sometimes to our rehearsals. Once a week, you'll get like a Louber or a Neil come down and she used to say, just do it like this and she'd do it. And I'd be like,

What do you mean? Just do it like this? I can't even walk in the heel. Yeah. Like I think Johannes walks better than anyone in a heel. The way Johannes walks fairly. That blows my mind that you do have to do these dances in heel. Do you want to see my feet? It's cut to shreds.

Oh, I'm ready, look. Oh my God. This is after two days, last year. Yeah, it is. It's so hard. Blister plasters on those. I know I'm going out. I just had a pedicure this morning for the shoot.

And this is the best. what could do, so there'll be more blister passes on tonight. It's horrible. I was just going to get worse. I know, babe. Can you imagine? I'm questioning my campaign now. I'm not sure I want to go on there. If I knew what I know now.

I don't know if I'm going to think about it now. It is a brilliant experience. I am loving it. Coffee or wine? Wine. White or red or rosy. Oh, I like a good pale rosy. I love like a whispering angel.

Oh, everyone loves whispering angel. I do. I'm a basic bitch, sorry. What's the chicken wine that everyone's drinking? Oh, my sister does have that. The folly pool or something. Yeah, everyone's into that one now, the chicken wine, aren't they? It's basically like a rip-off of Whispern Angel, but it's meant to be class.

Yeah. The Kylie Minogue, that's supposed to be nice. Yeah, I've heard great things about the Kylie Minogue. She loves that one. Yeah, my mum loves it. Not that she's sponsoring of this podcast. No, but other rosier wines are available. What's one thing someone listening today could do to make themselves feel a little bit

better. Give yourself grace. Nice. Like it's so funny. I just got a message off, Oity, Mabusi before. And I, do you know what it's weird when you were talking about lockdown before, Jim, I spoke to her for my podcast when she was in lockdown. Yeah. And she was talking about stuff. And I gave her some advice. I told her I gave herself grace. And she was chatting about how nervous I was feeling about strickening. She went, I'm going to give you some advice that you gave me once. Give yourself grace. And it's like so easy to tell someone else that, you know, like, you're so lovely, you're so kind, you're so nice, you work so hard,

give yourself grace, you're doing your best, but you turn it round, like, we want more from ourselves, we're never good enough, like, we'll put so much pressure out, where we're own worst critics, like, taught yourself the way you taught your best mate or somebody you admire or appreciate, give yourself grace, we're all learning, we're all just human, we're all trying and we're best, at least I hope we are, so we're first time on this planet, everybody's, so we're not always going to get it right, we're not always going to be the best of stuff, But as long as you are putting your best for forward, trying your best and giving it your all, that's all you can ask.

So yeah, give yourself grace. I'm going to fucking try and remember that myself over the next couple of weeks. Thank you. Thank you so. Yeah, you were treating for you. Enjoy it. It's like, what, 15 weeks? I mean, I think you're being very gracious thinking I'm going to have 15 weeks.

No, but that's the thing you've got to just... Think positive. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you for joining us. And good luck with it all. Thank you, lasses. It's been a pleasure.

Thank you, thank you.