KGCI: Real Estate on Air - Business Mindset with Coach Karen Gray

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

Here we go, and we're live. Welcome, guys, to another episode of Realtor Hacks, Tips and Tricks. I am one of your host, Hallie McCrory, team lead of Empower Real Estate Group, coach for Tarrick El Mousa's organization, host for American Dream TV, and known for selling 100 homes per year in a small town. And I've got my co-host, Casey Steyers on, also a host for American Dream TV, the downtown guru. That's what she's known for of Raleigh, North Carolina.

Everybody knows her. I went and visited and she knew everybody. Let me tell you. But not limited to just Raleigh. She works all of North Carolina, especially specializes in the coast regions. Very talented agent. Just finished up a book.

I'm always happy to brag on her. And then even more bragging. I've got one of my friends, Karen Gray, on here. She is a business. business coach and real estate coach as well, has coached for Tom Ferry's group in the past, very successful women. I'm like just very honored to have been connected with her. She's in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

I used to be in San Angelo, so that's how we kind of got connected there. But yeah, welcome to the show, Karen. Very excited to have you on. Yeah, so much going on. So congratulations to both of you on your success, but excited to talk all. all things real estate and related. All the skills that I learned as a financial advisor, as a coach, they are universal. You know, humans are humans.

We all deal with stress. We all deal with pressure. How you do anything is how you do everything. And so I really learned that the same things that I saw my clients challenged with in financial services, the real estate agents were also challenged with. you know, afraid of rejection, afraid to pick up the phone, afraid to be told no, you know, afraid to get out of their own way at times and knowing what they should do, but not doing it without accountability.

And so there's just some things that are just human nature. And then there were other things that I really was fascinated by that Tom did really well with his approach online. So learned a ton and then have since evolved into my own just full-time practice. And so that's what I'm doing now. So do you still have a lot of real estate clientele then? I still have several. Yeah, my client base is about half and half.

Okay. I work more with people on the recruiting side, those that are looking to actually grow an agency, grow a business versus those that are just individual agents. Right. Okay, that makes sense. Okay, cool. Yeah. We're seeing a lot of agents being faced with now is the balance of that. How do I do life and do business at this.

Yes. Yeah. Well, that's when I first reached out to you. I mean, I wanted you on the podcast, but, you know, as I was having, you know, people talk to me and having my own life happenstances. Yeah. You know, I was like, I want to bring Karen on and have her talk about how do you, how as a real estate. agent because that's our primary audience, you know, how do you balance emotions? How do you balance stress? How do you, you know, keep a check on those items? Because, you know, for like for me, I feel like one of my superpowers is my emotion that I, I do have good emotional intelligence and have empathy, but at the same time, I feel like it's also sometimes my hindrance because I can, you know, something will happen in a deal. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you're just want to scream at this person. I'm just so stressed. Like I can't even think straight.

Like how it's like I and I think I'm not the only one. You know, you know, talking with Casey. It's like definitely not. Yeah. That's where I where I saw you come in and be able to talk on that kind of stuff too. Because it's kind of like having a business coach, it's almost like a counselor at the same time. not that you guys are, that's the primary purpose, but I feel like that's what you guys end up coaching a lot on because it's a lot of the issues that you talked about, like fear of rejection or not wanting to make cold calls. Like it all comes back to kind of mindset, psychology, and I feel like that's what you're very well versed in. Well, thank you. Yeah. I think when we talk about this kind of stuff, everything goes back to, I believe, two basic principles. We have

have two inherent needs as a human and we want to survive so the fear that we won't right that something will happen and will die and then the fear that we will be abandoned or left alone and i think those two fears start very young as children and they begin to seep into all the different parts of our life so whoever we are as adult was really formed very very very early on So from age four to about age 13. And so we take that all of those things that happened, all the lessons that we learned during that time. And we've made rules for ourselves on how we're supposed to be a good person or good adult based on that time frame. And then we become functioning adults and just coping and trying to survive.

And so whatever's going on for us in our adult life, I think the first. thing is to stop and look at look backwards and say, you know, what's really going on here? Where is this really happening? And is what I'm thinking, feeling going through really true? Yeah. Because when we shine a light on that and ask, is this true? Then that begins to allow us to separate out the fear and anxiety of what could happen with the fear and anxiety of what has happened. and the truth of what's really going on.

Okay. So can you give us an example? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, okay. So let's just, you ready, want to do like a hot seat coaching? Sure.

Sure. So, so, Hallie, tell me something that has been a fear of yours in the past. So maybe not now, but a fear of yours in the past. I have feared that I, I am not enough for like my team, but I, I'm not, I won't live up to their expectations. Right. And that's probably a normal fear that most humans have in some way. So this is a great one because many people can relate to that.

Where do you feel like that fear sits in your body? So when you think about not being enough, do you carry it in your chest? Yeah. Okay. So if it's in your chest, that's probably a very primal wound that happened with a very prime relationship in your past. So somewhere along your past, I would guess, and this is getting pretty personal, but for those that do feel that and they feel it in their chest, they feel that stress, that tightness in their chest, when they think about not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being enough. somewhere in our life we heard or witnessed someone in our past modeling that for us or telling that to us. And we learned that we had to do something different than what came natural to be able to fit in and make that person happy. So somehow, some way we got out of alignment with who we were created to be to try to please others. Oh, man. Oh, gosh. Yeah, that, I need to like really think and pinpoint, but that that's, I feel like it does come back to the people pleasing.

Yeah. And that for 90%, especially for women, it comes down to that. Because as young girls, we're taught to make others happy. And it's sometimes subconscious. And sometimes it's very subtle and it's inferred. like, oh my goodness, you're so pretty. So we equate being pretty to pleasing others. So then we're taught to make ourselves look a certain way so other people are happy with us. Or when we behave a certain way, we get a certain stimulus response, right? So when we do something great, we win at something or we do something good, people are happy with us. Thus, we learn achieving, you know, making good grades, winning a race, doing something well, earning an award, a prize, makes those around us happy. And then we get the attention and the love that we're really looking for.

So it's not even really like our parents set out to screw us up. But that's kind of what we do, right? Yeah. It's not this unconditional love. Everything is conditional. and we're taught to be conditionally trained to please others. So equate that now to as an adult as a real estate agent or leading a team, I want my team happy with me or I want my clients happy with me.

So what I see most often as real estate agents, it doesn't matter the times, but especially recently when they could literally just show up and write a ticket and sell a house, right? There was that time recently. To now they're having to actually change and work and fight for things and their bidding and all of these things. They don't want to lose a client. So they're killing themselves trying to please these homeowners that they're trying to get, you know, to be their clients or, you know, people just become unreasonable and demanding and expectant and our real estate agents are out there.

killing themselves trying to make everybody happy, not setting boundaries, not teaching people. This is how these are my hours sticking to that, honoring those things because we are taught. If I don't do this, therefore there are consequences. I don't get the check. I don't get the money. I don't get the client. I'm not good enough. I don't get the accolades.

I don't win the awards. There's all these consequences. And so it just perpetuates and reaffirms those fears. Yeah. Okay. So let me bring it back like a second. So I recently watched, I was watching this, I think like a documentary or something, something on, I think it was on Gaia. And they were even talking about how just from we've been able to figure out, or I guess like, you know, scientists have figured out that we actually have, I think our first seven years of life, we're in like a, we're in like the, theta wave state where it's all like make believe like we're kind of in a state of where we're relying on watching other people's uh you know actions and stuff to kind of down it's like your brain is in a download session downloading how to be a human right we aren't really able to you know i guess differentiate what is real and what it's not like that's why we have so much make believe and that that's really

popular when you're younger. But at the same time, you know, we can see, let's say, like, a child, I guess seven years old or younger sees their overhears their parents fighting. And maybe the parents are fighting about, you know, where are we going to get money to send our kids to like a private school or that's just an example they use. And it's a, it's kind of a, I mean, no, any fight isn't positive. But, you know, you. You know, it is something like they're fighting because they love this child and want the best for the child, but the child doesn't know that. They don't understand that. They're only, you know, five years old.

So from this fighting, the child thinks it's something that is their fault. And they don't understand what did I do? What, like, and they start attributing to things that are not even really connected in the first place. And then that's how we kind of develop these, these forms. of thinking and habits without even realizing. And it's like an evolutionary, evolutionary, I don't, evolutionary, I guess like development that we just have as humans,

but we're just now really beginning to understand that. Yeah. And then take it a whole other level deeper. We have our DNA and epigenetics. And so there are things that are inherently passed on to us from our, ancestors. It's in our genes, certain traits and habits and ways of behaving and thinking. And their scientists are realizing that the DNA genome is so impactful, more so, than we ever

realize. So if you look at my situation, for example, I was adopted when I was born. So I was not raised by the parents that genetically gave me my DNA. I was raised with a very, very different family, different faith, different part of the world. And so there are things about me that are exactly like my mother, my grandfather, and his mother. And I wasn't raised with them. And so the DNA and the epigenetics, I got to live that and see that firsthand, how critically important that is. and how I can begin to change that for my children and begin to change things.

And it truly is a choice. It's a conscious thought. And we create these neuro loops, neuropaths with our brain and our choices that we just can change. And so as a real estate agent, if you find yourself or anyone in business, if you find yourself doing the same habits and those habits aren't serving you, you can pause and really look into what it what is truly right again what is the truth here

is it really that I'm not good at making cold calls let's take that for example um or is it that I have a fear of rejection is it that I'm afraid someone's going to tell me no and affirm the fear that I have about myself not being enough okay so you can begin to pull those layers back and where coaching or working with a mentor can really, really help because we can't see our own blind spots. Sometimes we can't see our own limiting blocks or beliefs. But when you begin to pull those thoughts back and say, okay, it's really just a thought I have about this. It's not a fact. It's not truth. I wasn't genetically born to be crappy at sales. I just have a fear that somehow this is going to affirm I'm not enough. And then what does that mean? Yeah, right. I'm not lovable. You know,

my my boss isn't going to want to keep me. And then I can't take care of my family or my spouse will leave me or my girlfriend, you know, whatever it is. Those thoughts begin to create a loop and those loops create habits. And those habits then begin to become our reality. Yeah, our reality, our behavior, our personality. Yeah. So, you know, when we say, well, that's just who I am, that's a cop out.

Mm-hmm. It's truly not. Who you are is just a set of habits. Right. You are your DNA, but you can still change that too. Your cells regenerate every 10 years. You can be somebody totally different in 10 years from now. Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah. Wow. Weird to think about it. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. The skin that you have 10 years ago is totally different skin. Ooh, weird. I guess science is amazing.

I love it. Yeah. Well, and it kind of sounds like you were going into like, Well, you can kind of talk yourself through it. Like, okay, so what happens? What is my worst fear? Someone's going to say no on the phone. Like, okay, so what?

If someone says no, what happens? It's like, okay, well, you don't die. Right, yeah, that joke, you know, but did you die? No. Yeah. But sometimes that fear is so polarizing and so controlling, so strong that we can't get past it. So you have to begin small if that's the case, right? So maybe I can't make 50 calls today. Maybe I start small and I do one business card or I do one phone call to someone that's a little

warmer. And then the next day I do a cool call. Some people can just dive right in and it doesn't bother them. And other people have to go a different path. There's no right or wrong way. And this is something that I've heard over and over again. And I just feel like it's so true. The only time you truly fail is when you quit. Right. Otherwise, you may have fallen, right? Or maybe there's a lesson you're learning.

You learn what not to do. But you never truly fail unless you give up. Right. And like give up on yourself. Because there's sometimes where it's like, like, okay, I'm giving up on this project. I realize this is not like for whatever reason, but I, you know, try something else out instead. You're not like, that's still not truly. So I just call that a choice, right?

Like, okay, I explored that. That didn't work. Making a different choice. But when I give up on something I feel called to do or something that is a dream for me, I give up on that, that's when I've failed me. Right. You haven't failed anyone else but yourself. That is the true, to me, the true definition of failure is when you've given up on you.

Yeah. And it's, so my husband was reading a John Maxwell book. I haven't read it, but now let me, hold on, I bet I can pull it up. But he was reading me a quote about, and this is, you know, you can take this any way you want. Because like in this book, it's kind of, I think he's some sort of Christianity, but he's basically, saying, you know, gods, and you can, again, this is like you can kind of mold this however you want, whatever your religion or background. Yeah.

But it was like, God's gift to us is our potential and our gift to God is like maximizing our best self to that potential. And you can, you know, the universe, you know, whatever, however you believe. But I just thought that was so, I don't know, that really moved me and just you saying that So think about that. Break that down. So you've been gifted the opportunity and the potential to do whatever it is that's on your heart. If it's there, trust that there's a reason.

Yeah. Maybe that reason is to grow you to a place where you can go a different path. Or maybe that reason is to master and excel at that thing. The point is right now it's on your heart to do it. So do it to the best of your ability. Do it to a level of excellence. Do it beyond the fear because the fear, again, is just a thought. But when you don't pursue it with that excellent, you have wasted that potential.

When you don't give 110% of what God, your creator, has put on you, that is when you truly have missed the opportunity. And that's back to that missed opportunity, failure, whatever you want to call it. So for me in coaching, that is the greatest pivotal plateau. It's when you recognize those things that are on your heart and you truly commit to them. And it's one of those no matter what, right? No matter what I'm going to be this. Because that is who I already am.

now I'm just going to function as if I am. Yeah. Well, I feel like this is too, you know, journaling has become such a popular tool. I feel like especially in 2023, I feel like this is kind of why. Like this is where if you take the time to focus on this and like journaling kind of helps you pull that out of yourself

and realize that. That's been a big thing. Casey's got me, or wait this way. Yeah. You know, she's. Y'all are both about me. Yeah.

She's got me into journaling, and I feel like it's really helped me kind of pull. Yeah. So journaling is great to become aware of what's going, the thoughts that are going on in your head. Right. And I consider that mindfulness. So mindfulness is really being able to be aware of the thoughts. Sometimes it's, I have started this program. It's a book. It's called, oh my gosh, I just went like, it's the morning pages, but it's

basically your journal for three pages. And even if like you can't get the thoughts out of your head, you just write, I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I can't put it down on paper. I can't put it like you're just journaling because in a minute, everything will start kind of bubbling and flowing out. And then you get the blocks out of the way because a lot of people are trying to do meditation because that's another practice for mindfulness. I forgot to feed the dogs.

I forgot to take out the trash. I forgot to do the laundry, right? We have all of those things that pop up. I'm like, shut up. Yes. And so if we will do that journaling first before we meditate, you kind of get the chaos and the craziness out so that you can be more present to what are because to me meditation is my opportunity for God to talk to me that's my phone call to my father

and so it's just like hey God me again right like I'm here what is it I need to know for today make it clear make it playing and make it as simple so I can understand And then I just listen. And it's like, oh, you forgot to do this. Okay. I just recognize it and let it go. And then it's like, oh, you need to call this person. Okay.

You don't even know why, but there's a reason. Right? So that's, I feel like the power of true meditation is that's my connection with the guiding force that gave me this desire. So if I'm supposed to coach and I have this thought or something keeps popping up, we have these synchronicities, it's not for nothing. That's how we begin to fully function in our superpower is when we pay attention to the little signs that keep coming our way. And when something's so important to me that I align it with my core values and that

becomes my true north, and all of a sudden, I'm living my purpose, I'm walking in truth. I'm not getting stuck in the doom loop of what if, what if, what if, what if, okay. You know, what if you fall okay, but what if you fly? Right. Great. Move on. You know, it's just a thought. Let it go.

Nope. I don't give it any power. And then it's like, you need to reach out to this person. Okay. I don't even question it now. I just do it. Yeah. Don't know why I'm reaching out, but I was led to reach out to you.

Oh, well, I, you know, I need this. great, I have that connection for you. Yeah. And then you just begin to see when you have those thoughts and you pursue them. So as a real estate agent, and I've seen this over and over and over again with my clients, and it gives me goosebumps every time. They'll come into my coaching program, and it's like I'm given an intuitive view of where they're going to go. And it's like, I see this in you.

I see it's like I see greatness in you. Yeah. What do you think about being an entrepreneur? Oh, no, I'd never be an entrepreneur. Just had this client. She was flat out, I'm never going to be an entrepreneur. I want to be a CFO for someone else. She's like, I can't afford coaching anymore because I haven't found the job.

And I said, that's because you're supposed to start your own business. And she's like, I can't. I just can't. I have to be a CFO. I already, like, she made that decision. Like, yes, this is exactly what I'm supposed to do. And when you're in the flow, that's when you're living your truth. You're living your alignment, that true north.

And work isn't hard. Life doesn't have to be hard when you're trusting. Love it. Oh, gosh. If things are so hard right now, you're resisting something. Okay. So if you're in that, you know, we talk about the grind. That's like the big 90s thing and the last.

10 years, really, even, like, you got to get out there and grind it. If you're grinding and it's that hard, you're doing something wrong. Yeah. I'm not saying don't work hard. I'm saying if it's hard, it's the wrong thing. Yeah. And it's crazy as soon as she leaned into, you know, what she, you know, I'm doing air quotes here for those just listening in on video, you know, leaning into what she was supposed to be doing,

quote unquote. And as soon as she did, it's like it just rolled so quick for her. It did. And it was, the resistance was the fear. So when she just was like, okay, and this is what she told me. She said, Karen's told me, this other person told me, this other person said, and then this other person, and I don't have any jobs coming my way, she just said, what if? And once she quit being resistant and just said, okay, God, what if I do that? Yeah. Just that lack of resistance. You know, when she quit trying to swim uphill or row the boat uphill and she just was like,

okay, I'll just go with the current. What if? All of a sudden, it just was like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. God said, yep, here you go. That's crazy. I love it. So, love that. Okay, so kind of pivoting this more. So I want to talk more about how we can better manage emotions as real estate agents. So in residential, like in commercial, it's all numbers based. Like everybody's very, but residential gets very emotional. You know, you have people that have estates that have estates that have been. and their family forever and they're having to sell them off.

That can be very emotional, just, you know, a first-time homebuyer, spending all of their life savings on their brand new home. It's going to be their biggest asset. That gets emotional. Agent-to-Agent interactions. That can get emotional. And, like, this is where me and Casey call each other and we're like, oh, my gosh, this agent was being such an a-hole.

like and it just it's like I should not let this get me riled up and I know this but why why am I having this physical reaction where I can't stop thinking about this there's nothing I can do about it um Casey do you have anything else to like add to that officers stressing you out yeah so like I'm going to give you a secret okay this and I don't think you're going to like it because I didn't like it when I was told okay It's really hard because we're making it about us. Yeah. It's personal.

When we make it personal, it's hard, it hurts. It's stressful. It's painful. Right? It's an attack on us. Yes. When we take us out of the picture and we're just like, okay, what is this other person going through? Why is it so, why does it feel so hard?

okay, they're, like you said, there's lineage here. They're attached to this. They're probably feeling guilty for selling it because now, you know, it's all about them. When we make it about the other person and what that other person is going through, whether that's our client or the person that's selling or the real estate agent that's on the other side or it's the loan officer, they're going through something right now that 99% of the time has zero.

to do with us. When we can just take that emotional separation out, somehow that just creates this stav of protecting us from the pain. And then when we can go to that person and say, how can I make this better? I understand you're going through a, I know this is stressful. How can I make this easier for you? I know this is hard. How can I make this better for you?

What can we do to make this more fun? What can I do to make this quicker, faster, better, easier, more profitable for everyone involved? It's kind of an interesting point of view, too, or just interesting because I feel like that's been a theme in our podcast that keeps coming up. Like we just had a certified story brand guide. Come on. I don't know if you've read Building a Story brand. I think it's Donald Miller. So it's basically saying, you know, with your marketing for yourself, like as real estate agents,

we're so used to trying to make it, make our marketing about us. Like, I have this many sales. I have this, this, this. Yeah. People don't care. You need to make, you're making yourself the hero of the story. And you need to make, you need to make someone else the hero and you're the guide helping them. Back in the day, it used to be called with them, like what's in it for me.

Oh, yes. Yeah. Okay. Right. So when we market and we're making it about all of our accolades, people see me, me, me, me, me, me. Mm-hmm. And what we're trying to do in that, and it's all subconscious, is I'm trying to convince you and manipulate you to come by for me. Mm-hmm.

But when I make it about you and how I'm going to. benefit you, they begin to see this person cares about me. So now it's about me as the consumer, the client. Yeah. And it's the same thing with contract negotiations. It's the same thing with business relationships. I don't know if you've ever heard of the book, The Go Giver. Yes. By Bob By Bob Byrd. Yes. And David Mann. Love Bob. He is such a genius, such a kind man. reminds me so much of Zig Ziglar. Yeah. And that book has so many golden nuggets.

I mean, the laws that it shares, you know, reciprocity, receptivity, like, all of them. Like, it's just such a great storyline for us to model because when we give first, when we lead with value, and we give, you know, like when you. and I were in contact first. I was like, how can I help you? Yeah. Right. Number one, that that begins to build trust because now I'm here for you. And it was sincere.

But truly, had I been like, hey, I want to get on your TV show. No, no, no, no. You'd been like, no, no, that's right. Because you would have sense that that person was about themselves, not about how they could help you. Yeah. Same thing with our clients. When our clients see that we're in it for the. commission when we're in it for us look at what i did what i see when someone does that is like

you're just all about the money you're all about the accolades you won all these awards great how does that impact my family right care about those awards yeah what i care about is how are you going to treat me yeah so it's the same in every situation when we take ourselves out of the equation and we truly care and we come from a place of service and it's sincere. And it's really about leading a life of others centered when we're others focused and other centric. And I'm here to serve and help and lead. And that comes first, regardless of the money.

I'm going to do what's right. I'm going to do it for the right reasons at the right time in the right way, no matter who's looking. then everything else will always come. Will it come as fast? Maybe not. But will it be more sustainable? Will it stay here?

Will it last and build and grow and grow and grow? A thousand percent. Yeah. It's very interesting in applying it to different situations, not even just marketing, but like we said communicating with another agent or a client that's being difficult. Yeah. Yeah, big mindship there.

Yeah, because if you feel yourself getting frustrated, that's because you're at the center of the cyclone. Right? You're making this about how this guy is affecting me. Yeah. And so when you're like, stop, take a breath, what is he going through right now? I don't know. Okay, I sense that there's something going on here. How can I help this situation?

Yeah. Yeah. So like, let's take the loan officer. Like, Casey, kind of talk about that situation. Just so we have an example. I mean, it's round two of this guy. The first one, first time he dropped the ball. And then I couldn't pull this client after he had spent a year trying to get

pre-qualified. So I had to leave him there. So here we are on two days before closing and he's. Oh, wow. I need this document. I need this document. All these things that I ask him, did you do this prior to me showing her homes? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And then when we're going back and forth, and I'm trying to figure out how we're going to extend this, how are we going to buy more time? How are we going to tell her into, giving us more time, putting all these pieces together.

He in the meantime is selling my transaction coordinator. I hear what I want to hear. He never told me any of this. So these are all things, I guess you call them pressure points or button. Chicker points, yeah. I mean, you're flipping it where it's my fault when I would have never went and showed her house. Yeah. So, okay, so let's let's kind of dive into that. So in that situation, I would get on the phone with him and the third person, the lender. No, the, uh, transaction coordinator. Oh. And just be like, hey, I've obviously misunderstood.

I'm taking ownership of this. I misunderstood. Let's all get on the same page. How can I help this transaction go better? What do you need for me in this moment to get us to and then tell him where you want to go? He's like, done, done. And then we do that. Okay.

So we're all on the same page. So we actually did that. Okay. So then we go to the next thing. And then he says, well, we need a new roof. So then I had to go back at him and say, hey, not naming who. The appraisal didn't mention needing a new roof. These sellers are doing us a solid by giving us a roof. And he goes, okay, you're correct on that. You're correct. So what's holding this up? He said, well, I still need the tax document. you still need he still needed a document a document on his end so what he was trying to do is put the blame on the cellar for not fixing the roof and saying they had to fix it in order for it blows and that him and i just yeah there's a couple things that are going on there because that's when he had to come up and say oh we switched along that we're using don't you think it's been great but that's what i started to say there's there's two things going on there's things going on that are out of his control and he's not able to say like confidently say hey things had to switch i'm having to pivot and i'm sorry that's on me i need to like he's

not communicating that at all and that comes from a place of insecurity so knowing that's his place. Maybe he's new in the business. Maybe he just doesn't know or maybe he's just insecure and dealing with his own demons. Or he's just throwing hell marries and hoping that these things get closed. Could be because of a lot of things. However, you know that about him now. So if you tend, if you go back to him, right, now you've chosen to walk into that again. Or you can choose after this, because we can't control other people. we can communicate we can take ownership for our part we can be forthcoming we can be clear some things are just going to go crazy some things are not going to go well what is the lesson

here for me for this situation not to work with him again maybe that's it or maybe it's maybe it protected us from something we shouldn't have been doing and and the universe god use this guy to get us to a certain place. I just try to take all the blame out and look at the opportunity. That wasn't supposed to happen or it would have. Yeah. And so how can I not make this personal about me and this falling apart? So when you go back to the homeowner and you're like, hey, here's this situation.

Obviously, God's trying to protect you from something you shouldn't have had. Right? you keep it positive. They trust you because you're looking out for their best interest. The homeowner gets to see how you handle stress. That's a huge opportunity for them and you to show your character and your integrity above theirs where you're not blaming someone else. You're just owning the situation. It is what it is. You know, we've had some changes with the lender. Things are unfortunate. So that's telling me that wasn't supposed to happen. Let's find out what you're supposed to be doing.

Yeah. Right? So you've made a very, what could have been catastrophic situation, really positive for the buyers. They may be frustrated. They may not be happy, but they're going to enjoy the process of working with you because that's where you come from and that's who you are. It's kind of like when they don't get a house, and I feel like every, not every,

but a lot of real estate agents are good at being like, okay, well, this house just obviously wasn't meant to be for you. there's going to be another one that that comes along. It's kind of like taking that mentality for whatever's the loan or, you know, whatever you're dealing with. Because again, you're not making it about yourself, right? You're making it about the bigger picture, which is the ultimate goal of getting them the right home, not just that home, the right home, the right home, the right home, the right lender, the right rate, all the right things. That's a lot of moving pieces that you have very little control over.

So if you make it about I have to get this sell right now, this is not the industry for you. Yeah. If you're like, hey, I have an opportunity to take a thousand variables and make this family happy, give them the place they're supposed to be, be the person that's all the connectors. and I get paid really well to do that. This is a great industry for that person. Yeah. It's not the right industry for everybody.

Yeah. So if you're in it and you've chose to be in it, choose the right attitude so that you're happy, your family's happy, those that you serve are happy, and you get to live in that calling in a really elevated way. So I feel like this conversation we just had and then the one in the beginning, I feel like kind of leaning on those techniques that you've talked about end up reducing stress for you in the end.

Yeah. So I feel like stress is when stress happens when we're being pressured to get out of alignment in any way. So it's either by our own thoughts, our own choices, our own actions, or someone else putting something on us that isn't in alignment. And so when we can be aware of that, we can then pivot. And so being able to make those choices, yeah, absolutely. Like why?

Asking yourself, why is this stressing me out so bad? Yeah, just being aware. Awareness is the first key. Being aware. What am I, what am I, you know, is this true? What am I making this mean? How can I control this situation? Is there anything?

Because sometimes you're in a situation, you can't do anything about it. You're there. You have to function in it. You have to survive. You have to manage. Sometimes you have to manage up. Sometimes you have to manage out. Sometimes you have to manage down with your clients.

But you're managing. And so when you're in that situation, the only thing you can control is you and your thoughts. That's it. So what are you making it mean? If I'm stressed, what am I making this about? about me, is this truly about me? Is that true? And what can I do different? Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to like, re-listen to this back. This is very good stuff. It doesn't come easy. But the more you do it, the more you practice those. Right. Yeah. And when you've communicated that to the people in your life,

your partners, your business partner, your spouse, your kids, now other people hold you accountable. because that's what happens. I have teenagers. And so I've used this on them. And so when I get stressed or I'm like getting irritated, my son will be like, mom, how are you making this about you right now? It's like, oh. You're making this much harder. Yeah. I'm like, you're right. Okay. But sometimes you're like, man, I wish I wouldn't have taught you that. Because now you're using it against me. But it's so true. Yeah. It's so true. And so when you do that, the people, people in your life, you can help each other. Yeah. Hey, is that really what's true? Is that really? Nope.

Okay. So what's the truth? Yeah. The truth is I'm doing everything I can. It's going to be what it's going to be. And if it doesn't happen, it's because it's not supposed to. Yeah. Okay.

So let's just go in and do the best. Like literally just be aware, be cognizant, be kind. And if we would follow those things, really follow. Life would be so much better for everybody. Yeah. Well, hopefully everyone hears this podcast and follows it. That's right. Well, and you can help me remember because I'm human.

I mean, we all do the best we can, but there are days when, you know, just somebody catch off in traffic and you spill the coffee and like everything just kind of goes wrong. And you catch it. like when it goes wrong, then something else goes wrong and something else goes wrong and something else. And you'll see like this is my true north. And now I've just started do do do do do and I'm like going do left or do right, whatever. And it's in those moments that you can just stop and come back, come back to center. Okay, take a breath.

It's not that important. It's not the end of the world. Nobody's going to die. Okay, come back here. Yes. What are they dealing with right now? that person who just cut me off, maybe going to an emergency, maybe they're having a baby, maybe, you know, their kid just had an accident.

I don't know what's going on. I'm just going to say, you know what, God, take care of them. That's not on me. Yeah. Or something about them cutting you off and making you later, like maybe you were, if you, if that didn't happen, you would have gotten an accident or something. Exactly. Right?

I try to tell myself that. I'm like, okay, I just deployed. Yeah. Yeah. Something bad. From whatever that extra two minutes would have put me in the middle of. Yes. Yeah.

So it's. So interesting. So interesting. It's a different. It's a mind shift, right? That mindfulness piece and being the center of our own universe, but making our universe about others. Yeah. Changes everything.

That's like the number one, I think, tip of the whole podcast. Like make it not about yourself. So, and I feel like everything else, it's like falls into place. Yeah. And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do self-care, right? Right, right. Right. Right.

It's not selfish. You have to take care of yourself. It's that oxygen mask. Right. Put your oxygen mask on first so you can take care of the others around you. But not at the detriment of everyone else around you. So I'm not going to take care of myself and ignore my responsibilities with my kids or my clients or anything.

And I'm not going to let people use me as a doormat. That's another thing that people pleasing does, right? When we're people pleasing, we sacrifice ourselves and really give up the boundaries that make us in alignment with who we are. So there's a line there of being others centered and still taking care of ourselves. And you have to just begin to know that line. But the more you practice it, the more you'll find the line. And there's a kind way of saying, you know, I'm sorry. Thank you for that invitation. But, you know, I'm not able to go. I appreciate the invitation, right? You don't have to give 15

excuses why you can't go. Yes. The other thing we do is we justify our nose, knows a whole sentence. You know, no thank you. Yeah. I love it. Gosh, this episode is just like amazing. Thank you. I love the conversation. And you guys are doing. such amazing, important work that I want people to know how valuable and important it is when they're out there helping people find their homes and have amazing careers. What you're doing is really valuable. Well, you too, for sure. We could use more of this for sure.

Thank you. Thank you. So Karen, as we wrap up, will you tell everybody where they can connect with you? I do have your email scrolling at the bottom of our video, but not everybody watches in video form. This is going to be honest. So if you get your earbuds in, you can find me on any social platform at Coach Karen Gray,

and that's A-Y, G-R-A-Y, or my website is coachcairngray.com. So I tried to make it super simple for people to find me. But I live primarily on LinkedIn. in. That tends to be my platform, but I'm also on Facebook for personal stuff. So I would love to connect if anyone resonates with the things I've said or they're just really curious about the things that I've said. I do one-on-one coaching, group coaching. It doesn't have to be real estate related. It's just life related as well. But if you're curious about it, I offer a free

coaching session. So give me a private DM or give me a call. I'm happy to have a conversation. Love it. Awesome. Thank you for your time, Karen. I know you're super busy. And like you said, have a lot of life stuff going on. So we appreciate your time.

I know this is going to be highly anticipated. It already is a highly anticipated episode to come out. So I'm excited to share it with everybody. Anybody that's listening in to this podcast, likely going to be on Spotify or Apple podcast. Don't forget to follow us. turn on your notifications for when new episodes come out. We've got a lot of good episodes coming up, and obviously this one is too. So thank you guys for following along, and thank you, Karen, for coming on and sharing your knowledge. Yes, thank you so much. Such a pleasure to have you on and hear from you.

This has been an amazing episode. Thanks, ladies. It's been my honor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Yes, and we'll see everybody next week. By next week. Yeah. Thank you.