KGCI: Real Estate on Air - Dr. John Gray Explains 'Men are from Mars'

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Good morning, John. Welcome to the show. It's really my pleasure to have you with us here on Tuesday Titans. How are you today? Happy to be with you. Very happy to be with you. It's been a while. It has been a while. I don't know the number, but I'm going to guess it's probably been eight or nine years probably. Yes. Since we saw you in person. You know, the people got to hear a little bit about you in the intro and the bio, but it's really my pleasure to have you on the show. And I know you're going to track with a lot of my audience. I have a lot of female superstars that I've interviewed, and we've talked a lot about masculine and feminine energy. And that's kind of over my head. That's your will house. But for me, I love that stuff that challenges me, right? So, John, let's talk about what exciting projects are you working on right now? Well, I think it's so exciting today is helping people understand the masculine, feminine energy. When we're talking about that particular thing, and we have a lot of women that are now

dominating the workplace, you know, real estate in my space. It's about 65, 68% women now. And that is typically a masculine, you know, job performance, I guess, if you would say, in the past. But now the women are just doing it so much, you know, more effectively. How does a woman deal with that kind of work environment, not just real estate, but across all boundaries, but what are you seeing in that area? Well, women are excelling in all areas because we're in a world where communication makes all the difference. And women have a greater tendency towards wanting to communicate better. It's, you know, in my field of teaching people, have better relationships.

It applies all in the workplace as well. And women are better educated today, too. I mean, this is what people don't realize is in the last 10 years, two women to one man graduates from college. I didn't know that. Oh, people don't know that. That's shocking information. That's shocking number. And even in the whole broader arena, you know, when they talk about women making less than men, well, yeah, women at a lower income level make much less for the same job.

But when you get to women 35 years old and without children, they make 30% more than men for the same job. And isn't that something? Well, they're hard workers. The challenge for women today is. is when they're making money, they produce male hormones. That's what produces male hormones, is whenever you focus on a task, you put your personal needs to the side, and you go ahead, kind of like a soldier, you go into battle, you put your own life at stake.

Well, if a woman puts her personal life to the side to make money, it makes the male hormone testosterone. And that feels good. It's very effective. It makes it very confident. but it also keeps her from feeling like she can sleep well at night. Often she doesn't feel the need for relationships, the ability to experience emotional intimacy becomes less for her.

Ironically, women crave a man who's emotionally available, but most of the time she's not emotionally available, and she wants the man to be emotionally available, so she'll feel safe to go to her female side. It's a big challenge. As women go more to their masculine side, producing more testosterone, their estrogen levels will tend to go down. Their progesterone levels will tend to go down.

Their oxytocin levels will tend to go down. And these are female hormones that lower her stress level. For men, testosterone lowers our stress level. This is all amazing information. Once we understand the hormonal plumbing of our body, we really are biologically very different. You're giving me goosebumps seriously, because as much as I think I've studied and understood,

the way you just described it, kind of goes, the light bulb comes on, right? It's like we're literally two different aliens and we are aliens. We're from different planets biologically. You see, everything, everything that has to do with happiness has a lot to do, has everything to do with stress hormones. Now, stress hormones are good. That would be adrenaline and cortisol for short periods of time. But when you have them chronically, that means all day long and every day to various, degrees, you can then, that inhibits our ability to be happy, to feel love, to feel our heart open, to feel connected. And you can measure this in the body when you're producing cortisol,

stress hormone, blood flow slows down and eventually stops as to the front part of the brain. Now, the front part of the brain is where you have choice. It's where you can like learn from a mistake and choose to do something differently. If you're in the middle part of the brain, you actually have no choice. You're just an automatic person, just like somebody wanting to lose weight. They say on Friday night, okay, tomorrow I'm going to start.

Saturday morning, they don't start. They have no choice at that time because literally, they don't have brain function and the prefrontal cortex at that time. And what we want to do is try to maximize our ability to be a choice in our life because then you could be upset with your partner and you can just reflect on it

and you can choose to let it go. You can choose to recognize how did I contribute to that. Maybe I need to get help. Maybe I need to look at myself differently. I want to give one example today. I was looking for checks, bank checks. And for an account, I only had like five checks, but I needed to get that check right away. And I couldn't find them. And I was looking everywhere. I looked here, there throughout my whole house. And as I'm looking, you know, the frustration of not being able to get what I want, my brain went right to my housekeeper must have moved it. My a housekeeper must have done it. It was just like automatic. I went right into that blame mode.

And that's what we will tend to do when we experience elevated stress levels. Always we go into a bias towards blaming outside. It's literally like we want to find a solution. And when you're in the middle part of the brain, the solution is always, I have to change the outer world. I have to blame the outer world. And we're guys. We know that doesn't work in a marriage. Totally. It doesn't. And what we tend to do as men, that this is a basic Mars Venus idea, is when we, we tend to want to tell a woman she shouldn't feel the way she does. You know, you shouldn't react that way, but that's not what happened. You shouldn't feel that way.

We're trying to convince her to feel better. What she gets the message is you're trying to change me. I don't want you trying to change. I'm not good enough. You don't listen to me. You're not understanding me. That becomes her experience and a lot of resistance if we try to change how she feels. Well, women tend to want to change what a man does.

And so if you ask men who have their complaints, I say, oh, she complains too much. She has disapproval. She withholds sex, a variety of different things about her trying to change his behavior. And that's what men resist the most about. You know, if you said to a man, don't be so upset. I think you're overreacting. A man, Michael, maybe I am. But you say that to a woman and you're in deep trouble.

Right. So we have different sensitivities. and why do we have those different sensitivities? Certainly it's programmed into our brain, but so is biology. That's all biology, but hormones promote that. Because when a woman feels safe,

the hormone estrogen goes up. Okay, so first of all, when she feels safe, oxytocin gets produced, which raises her estrogen, and her stress level goes down. For women, anytime a woman is stressed,

her estrogen is low. Whenever a man is stressed, his testosterone is low. No kidding. This is like amazing information once we get all the understanding, the new understanding of hormones, and it's simple. So amazing. So, you know, you mentioned something that I keyed on was when the women's in,

and I can't speak eloquently like you, but when the woman's in the work environment, she's producing extra testosterone basically because of that work environment and maybe being a leader or a boss lady, whatever it is. How does that relate to the bedroom then? Because if she's having elevated testosterone, is it counteracting her desire or is she taking on a male role? Or how does that work in that environment? Basically, when a woman's testosterone is being produced, she will have sexual desire. But if she doesn't have an abundance of estrogen, she can't climax. Oh, there's a frustration there.

Now, that's one example. Another woman who's more on her male side, she's in the workplace. just like a man making testosterone, but if you're experiencing stress on the male side, it will deplete you of testosterone. So that woman will not only not want to have sex, but if she was an opportunity to have sex, she couldn't enjoy it. So she doesn't enjoy it. So trippy. I remember when I was in one of your classes in San Francisco in the Bay Area, I don't remember what it was. Rhonda passed fiancé of mine. Probably should have took better notes and listened to you more closely, but love Rhonda, she's amazing. But I remember, you know, I went in there as a guy's guy, right? This was back when, when I was just being introduced to self-care and meditation, you know,

the very first time I'd ever seen and heard of it was within months of that. So imagine me coming to Dr. John Gray and listening to sex drive and climax and all these things. And it was just like, you know, bouncing off my forehead. I so value and appreciate it now. But I remember, a couple ahas from that long ago. And one of them was how you explained and you just did it again is how we're so much different, how different we really are, right? How different men or women really are. And I've come to understand that. And it allows me more tools in my toolbox to have that conversation now because I'm understanding what they need from it almost. And it's not a manipulation. That's how it felt in the beginning, by the way. It felt like I was like, aha, I got something I can, I can use to

to my benefit and manipulate, but it's not. It's a communicative thing that was kind of the holy grail in my opinion. You know, one of the things that improves communication dramatically is curiosity. You know, when somebody speaks to us, we're sort of ready to explain something, make our point, and so forth. And it's like if we just take a little extra time, this is a walkaway point for everybody listening, particularly men. If you take a little extra time, before you speak. And when you do speak, ask three questions at least before you say anything. So some simple rules.

And first one, it's to get out of the habit of just wanting to finish her sentence, wanting to adjust what she said, wanting to offer a solution. Instead, you practice saying, help me understand that better. And you just pause and she'll talk more. And then you say, tell me more. and then you say what else three things you know if and it's hard to do by the way we are wired up we're like firemen okay we're raceguard drivers right get ready go start as soon as she stopped talking we're ready to fix the problem to solve everything and there's nothing wrong with

wanting to fix the problem solve everything if you know what the right solution is and the right solution if you want to help a woman's estrogen to go up is to generate a sense of interest, curiosity, and safety that she can express whatever she has to say. And, you know, even safety doesn't necessarily mean that you're not going to hit her or something crazy like that. I want to give you one example. People will remember is, you know, since we mentioned my daughter Lauren, you know, she's a superstar at my website, you know, thousands of people listen to her courses and so forth. She has women only courses. But when she was a little girl, she was not so good at math, you know, and first grade, oh, I don't like math. So I worked with her math homework always,

which by the time she got to college and I wasn't there, she was a calculus, best calculus student, you know, but she needed that interaction. It was a good father, daughter, bonding. So basically, I did all of her homework for her up to eighth grade, which was fun. It was fun. And, you know, she would do it with me. So I was teaching her. why I did it for her. And then she got it. But before she got it, I hired a tutor around eighth grade because they understood the formula is better than me. I could get that far. Anyway, when she was struggling with a problem, we both were. My brother was in town. And he is like a math whiz, you know, PhD guy and science and so forth. So I said, hey, Robert, can you help Lauren solve this

problem? And he looked at it. He says, sure, that's easy. Now, as soon as he said, that's easy, became my daughter's enemy. Because when you suddenly give an answer to something, you diminish that person's competence. Do you see how that is? Unless that person is going to because they feel, would you help me do this? But even to her, that comment, oh, that's easy. I'll show you how. That really pushed her down because she didn't know him yet. And that was her first experience. So it's important. And I tell that big long story because every time we're men, we get paid for having solutions. I mean, I'm in the show with you because I'm a solution man. I've written books on solutions and everything. But when a woman, particularly in a personal relationship or in a sales

situation, and this is one of the reasons women are better at selling these days, is because they're not trying to push the person, even if they have a push behind them, they intuitively understand the way women think, and they will send to ask more questions, lead them on. And what else is to generate more opportunities to articulate yourself will raise your estrogen levels. And that's what women intuitively know. And that's so important today. Now, maybe it's not as important with men, you might think. But actually, when a man is considering a big purchase, there's always insecurity, right? Am I picking the right thing? He is going to be making female hormones. He's going to be more on his female side. And therefore, a wise person knows even if a man's making a purchase

to ask more questions. The thing about selling to a man would be you'd want to impress him more with, I've sold this house and I've sold this house and I've done this and I know this, you know, which some women might be turned off to because you'd like, who's Mr. Eagle over there? But men want to sell to an ego, okay? If you haven't done it before, I don't want to have you do me. So, but at the same time, women intuitively have that. sense of knowing to ask questions, which says that you care about that person. You ask questions to say, I understand where you're coming from, what you like, what you don't like, and I'm not pushing you, but I'm gently leaning into you. And women want to be treated that way. So she knows instinctively

how to sell to a buyer. So that's very interesting. And I think that's why women are doing so well in the real estate and sells industry. We've now 65 to 68% women in the industry, and they're just really dominating in terms of leadership roles and number one agents in the nation. And there's another dynamic to this. Okay. So there's also the dynamic of the male-female, a woman selling to a man. That man comes home to his wife every day. And I won't say every man, but a lot of men that I have counseled come home to their wives every day. And that wife has taken him for granted, doesn't appreciate him anymore. And he's taken her for granted without a doubt. He used to say, I love you. You're the sweetest woman or so many women in the world, but you're the only one I want to be with.

I care about you. Help me see what are you doing. Let me show interest. These are things men used to do and they stop. That's called taking your partner for granted. Why tell her every day you love her? Why give hugs? It's just men take for granted. Women take men. for granted. They stopped going, wow, what a good idea. Oh, that makes sense. You're amazing. Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Happy to see you. You know, this was the things women had in the beginning. And then it's how she takes him for granted. And I want to give one little example of that. You need an example for a big concept, I think. I took, after about seven years in my marriage with Bonnie, I've taken out to a nice restaurant. We're walking out. And there was a double door,

glass door and I opened one for her and some man was standing there he opened the other and she walked out like you know like a princess or a queen you know we're two men opening the door for her and she looked over at the stranger and she says oh thank you the tone of voice and then we walked off she didn't say anything to me and the tone of voice oh thank you what I heard is oh thank you you didn't have to do that now my husband he better do that because I do his laundry you see that's the that's where women get into challenged in relationship is they'll give and give and then they start keeping score. Hey, he's not given to me. He's not given to me. So that's a whole subject in itself. But the point there is taking someone for granted. And that's what we will tend to do in our relationships. Now, in sales, we're talking about sales for fun. When a woman is selling to a man, she's not taking him for granted. When he says something, she goes, oh, that's interesting. Oh, that makes sense. Oh, what a good idea. Oh, and what would you want? Oh, well, I can see why you'd say that. See, she has no investment in changing and correcting him. And so here's a guy, and we guys are hungry. It feels good. To get those messages. No one's trying to change me. All I can say, someone says, that's interesting. What a good idea. Oh, that makes sense. So I'm emphasizing three phrases for women to remember. Try this with your in sales, certainly, but also with men at home. with your son, with your husband.

That's a good idea. Oh, that makes sense. Really? Amazing. That's so helpful. All of those are words that maybe you're actually feeling inside a little deeper if you look for them, but you don't say it because you think they should know. Just like a man who doesn't tell his wife every day, I love you, sweetheart.

You're so beautiful. You're the only woman in the world for me. He doesn't say that. He said in the beginning. And he figures, I've already said it. why do I have to say it again? So that's the taking for granted is to assume the other person has gotten all the love they need as opposed to it's like food.

We all need that wonderful acknowledgement. So women will tend to in a sales situation, slightly flirtatious, but not really. It doesn't have to be that at all. It's just, oh, what a good idea. Well, that makes sense. Because women by nature are cheerleaders by nature. They have the ability to appreciate little. things. They don't have to have a whole big building or whatever to be all excited. They just,

you know, I take my wife for a walk and she, oh, look at the little flowers. Oh, look at that over there. Look at the little children. You know, it's literally one of their gifts and talents is to appreciate. And if you ask me, my experience on why couples get divorced, why men ever want to get divorced, it's the same story every time. Every man practically says the same thing, no matter what I do, it's never enough to make her happy. Now, when a woman is happy, what does it mean? It means she's appreciating you. You did a good job. And anytime a man gets feedback that says he did a good job, that he is competent, that he is capable, that he is trustworthy, all those are saying he's a success. Success is, to put it simply, the major testosterone producer is feeling successful.

And so it feels good whether you're a man or woman to be successful without a doubt. It produces endorphins in the brain. But the testosterone it produces strengthens a man's well-being, gives him energy, lowers his stress level. And that's the most significant thing. We have the basic biological research that show that any time a man is not positive and motivated and energized, his testosterone has gone too low. for women, she could have low testosterone and be out there as a go-getter or whatever. It's her happiness. It doesn't need it in the same way, right?

What she needs is the estrogen and she needs progesterone, but for half the month she needs more estrogen. The other half of the month, she needs estrogen and progesterone. So there's a unique balance that women have. I go into great, great detail what day of the month a woman's hormones need to be and what she can do to regulate them, not by taking hormones, but by making them. You see, if you go to, say you're talking to a doctor, you're a woman, and you go,

doctor, help me, now you're in a place of I'm depending on you for something, something valuable to me, then my estrogen goes up. And this is why women have so many hormonal challenges today, and this is common knowledge now. You know, they're having period problem, painful periods, some aren't having periods, some can't get pregnant, all these kind of problems. But we know that high stress levels, we know 90% of women take sleeping medicine. This is like not, I don't know about the United States, but in Brazil.

This is really wild, whereas you've got all these women, and twice as many women don't want to get married, are not married today. You see, it's like when your estrogen levels are high, which is normal for a woman, if you're not in a stress level, you're going to have 10 times more estrogen than a man. 10 times more is your well-being place. That 10 times more causes you to feel a greater need for a relationship, for monogamy, for marriage.

You'll actually feel I want to get married. I want to get married when estrogen goes up. When estrogen is down, you could care less. This is like amazing. So what you get is a lot of women today go, I don't know if I want to get married. And you can find all the reasons for it, which is, oh, my parents got a divorce. People weren't staying together.

And a big reason is I was with this guy for a while and my sex attraction went away. My ability to enjoy sex goes away. So I must be, I have to go look for Mr. Wright, who will make me feel that way, not realizing that this is a hormonal challenge that she can balance within herself and ideally not depending on a man. Wow. What you depend on a man for, because remember, depending on something, are. someone is always going to produce estrogen.

Oh, okay, okay. And then it's super inflated. What you depend on a man for, okay, is to go from 10 times more estrogen to 20 times more estrogen. That's the benefit of a heterosexual relationship is when you can have an interaction where you've got this guy who's interested in you, who makes him feel safe, he wants to do things for you, that knocks your estrogen up even higher to where you can,

fall in love. You see, women don't fall in love unless their estrogen levels are double the normal. Wow. And that's why women fall out of love is that their estrogen levels go down. Now, now when I say that, it's not just the matter of giving yourself shots for estrogen. Right. That's the opposite. That's the same to mind. Yeah. Your mindset, your behaviors are such that they stimulate the right hormones. For example, women love to shop. And, and they shop in a particular way different from men. They sort of wander through the store, gathering what they like, what they don't like, whatever. It turns out when you're dependent on buying something for your happiness, your estrogen goes up.

So you'll see that women who aren't happy are compulsive buyers, okay? But there's a nice blend there. If you're just feeling stressed out, women just go on Amazon, buy a few things. And the packages come and you feel good. That's what they can do right now. You can talk to a friend, okay, talking to a friend. Because see, talking is a way that women feel safe. If I can share what's inside, particularly turbulent feelings, stressful feelings, if I can share that and somebody doesn't make me wrong, that produces huge amounts of estrogen, which is why 90% of people who go to counselors who sit there and listen to you talk, that's what we do, are women.

Women will pay you to talk, to listen to me while I tell you about my problem. and I'll come back again and again if you're truly interested in what I have to say. Well, I've got enough Amazon packages on my front porch for 20 estrogen-filled women. So whatever's going on with that, I totally understand that. Oh, this is so, I mean, again, thank you for being here. But this has been so good for me. I really love this. I know my listeners are going to love this as well.

So that's the whole principle. Otherwise, then you can never blame him. Remember I said the monkey brain, this automatic reactive part of our brain is you can't change it unless you use the front part of your brain. And so she teaches women how to lower their stress levels, how to use relationship skills so that they don't over give, learning how to ask for help and get it so you don't walk around feeling I have to do it all myself. What's one of the common symptoms of stress in a woman? That's testosterone. See, when I get up and go, okay, I got to do that myself. otherwise I'm in trouble, boom, a little bit of risk, a little have to, a little pressure,

my testosterone shoots up. If I feel confident, that's the key, is a man has to have confidence, then feeling pressure actually makes you stronger. Similar to what I started doing during this whole stay-at-home thing is I have my trainer, he comes into my house and trains me twice a week. The guy pushes me to the nth degree, and I would never, ever do it as, as strong as what he makes me do. But I'm embarrassed to not, you know, he says, okay, give me five more.

I know you can do it and I'll do it. And my muscles are shaking and everything, but I'm not about to give in. And he's the perfect trader. He knows right at the point where I'm about to die and he'll push me. But that's what builds testosterone. And not that I have to do that all the time. You see, it's not like we have to be pushing ourselves all the time. But we have, the key word there is when you feel as a man, I have to do something and I

can do it. Okay, there has to be the sense of I can do it and I have to do it. Women, under their hand, when they're stressed out, they're feeling I can do it and I have to do it. That's it. And their stress will get higher if I have to do it and I can't do it. That will knock it out of the park. What a man does when he feels, I have to do it, I can't do it. Okay, forget it. Forget it. That's what we do at the end of the day. That's called the cave time. That's in my book, men from Mars that men will typically, when they're stressed at work or exhausted, they'll come home and they want to ignore everybody and do something just for himself to distract his attention from problems that are difficult to solve. So now he can have a hobby or watch TV or something

little where he can now forget his problems. So another simple concept here, men need to take time to forget their problems, which is why meditation is also a good thing when you can forget the problems that you can't solve right now because you've come home from work, you can't do anything about those problems, you have to forget them. And meditation was one practice where people can forget their problems. And so natural for men, a little more difficult for women, but more important for women is to learn how to share their feelings in a way where the person will listen to them. And that's an art. You can't just share your feelings with a man. You have to communicate to him in a way where he will hear you.

And prior to that, you have to practice on your own writing out any complaints you have. I suggest to women, if you're listening and you're in a relationship, try going 30 days without uttering a complaint. Not even my neck hurts. I'm tired. Or nobody helped me today. No complaint at all. And certainly not a complaint about him. Try it for 30 days.

But what you do is you need that outlet. So you write it out. You write out everything you want to say. And whenever anything has sort of an emotional feeling to it, write it 10 times. Simple little exercise to rewire your brain. Because what happens to our brains is that danger is addictive. A danger is addictive. And negativity is addictive.

They found that people who grieve the rest of their lives and never get through a healing, you look at them in an MRI scan and their brain lights up like. cocaine when they think about the person they're upset about. Lights up like cocaine. And you can see, that's the scientific evidence, but just look from her own thought. Everybody who gets stressed knows that the mind will just start looping on that same thing over and over and over.

And you just can't get it out of your mind. Well, that's, I understand that as a man. A woman has it 10 times more than a man, 10 times more. She has a biological difference that when she experiences, even the early stages of stress, adrenaline, her brain will have, will increase blood flow to the emotional part of the brain eight times. Now, this is eight times in the same situation, a man decreases blood flow to the emotional part of the brain. Now, if it's a big stress, if a man is faced with a big challenge and he can't solve it, his testosterone will go down. Now, his estrogen

will go up and he will have eight times more blood flow going to his emotional brain. So a man only experiences this strong emotion if it's a big problem that he can't solve. So when women have little problems that they can solve but they need to talk about it to produce estrogen, the man will always misinterpret her and saying it's not such a big deal. Don't worry about it. It's not a problem. And she says, I'm not saying it's a big deal. I just want to talk about it.

Then he thinks, well, if it's not a big deal, talk. Just be positive. So this whole idea of learning that first reaction of emotion, you don't want to suppress it. Otherwise, it builds up and becomes bigger. But for the woman, she needs to vent it, writing it out, journaling. And in my book, I have lots of journaling exercises to make it much more efficient. It takes a little time to learn, just like learning how to meditate, learning how to journal your emotions.

And you learned that in my class, where you go from anger, frustration, to disappointment, to sadness, from sadness and disappointment to fear, and then to also regret. And often women, when it comes to their husbands, they don't want to feel regret. They don't feel guilty because everything we do as human beings, if we have low self-esteem, is not to admit it's my fault. So I want to create a window here to,

change the world, which is to recognize all negative emotions are not loving. So if you have negative emotions, complaints, nagging, judgment, withholding, punishment, disapproval, anger, sadness, fear, when you're angry, you only get angry, most angry of the people you love, right? So somebody gets... Emotionally tied to it or... Yeah, you're emotionally tied to it. You're only going to feel disappointment, sadness if you really have an attachment and a feeling. of losing love. These are our deep, deep feelings. So people think because I'm, I'm only angry because I love you, they confuse I'm angry with being loving. But when you're angry, you're not loving, period. You're rejecting someone. You're trying to change someone. Love is beautiful.

It's acceptance, it's empathy, it's understanding. It has no intention to change someone. But we get confused. See, we're not, don't really understand yet, full, emotional intelligence. Everywhere, all these books either talk about old-fashioned books, they don't have negative emotions. The modern books say, oh, we need to express how we feel. Like that's some kind of answer. That's one of the major contributors to divorce is saying to the person who wants to be your rescuer, you hurt me. A hurt is an emotion. And when you say to someone, you hurt me, what you're doing is blaming that person in the most powerful way possible. It's one of the worst things to say, you could say, you know, it's painful when this happens and this happens if your

heart's open. Right. But when people are angry or sad, hurt, scared, afraid of you, they're rejected, they're not loving you. And what people do, we've got billions of books all written justifying. I have a right to be angry. You'll see it on the news every night. We are have a right to be angry. We have a right to complain. No, you don't. I mean, you have a right to do it. you have a right and have a terrible. Yeah, but you're not loving. And particularly, let's take it out of the world out there as a step one. And just in your intimate relationship, what's our number one goal?

What's our commitment and promise to our partner to be loving? Now, we can't be loving all the time. We're not that advanced. We get angry. We get disappointed. We shut down. We withhold. So when we do that, at least come back and apologize to your partner.

It's my mistake. It's not you. I would prefer that you do this differently. really nice if we did this. But I was so mad at you and that's my problem. And then you have better communication skills. You can even share your feelings. If you say it's not you, it's me. You triggered something from my past. That's a very important concept. You triggered some feelings I haven't dealt with. And then you can talk about those and your partner won't feel blamed. Let me give an example. If I, here's my jacket.

Let's say it's just, you see my skin here. If I had this big wound, you know, I carried around my baggage from past relationships from my childhood. We all have it. Yeah. Now, that's covered up. I'm an adult. I don't feel those things anymore. And somebody comes along and says, hey, John, how you doing?

Ow! I go, what are you crazy? Why are you reacting? You hurt me. You hurt me. It's not going to make any sense to me. I'll just get defensive. I just tapped you.

What's the big deal? The big deal? is look at this. Then I go, oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, I see. So see, this is, we have to make sense of all these upset negative emotions, never justify them as loving. Back to my original point for women, there's such an automatic reaction to articulate

negative emotions. As a matter of fact, that was the way primitive women would test the right man for her. Did he have so much attraction for her that she could express negative emotions? he stayed turned on to her. So it's a natural thing. You test if you're a woman out there, you would express your feelings to see who wants to come to my rescue. I'm afraid. I'm scared. Who loves me enough to come do this? So for women, expressing emotions had a very powerful beneficial effect, emotions of helplessness, a despair of unhappiness. Every man goes, well, what men are going to come along go, well, I want to make you happy. I'll do this for you.

And by the way, when she did that, that made him feel very powerful and that made him attracted to her. So this is the old-fashioned relationship. But women are too strong to have that and why go back, go forward, which means you're an independent woman. What do you need a man for? What you need a man for now is not protection, not to solve your problems, not to make money for you. You're quite competent, educated, everything. The world is different now. So you have a strong male side.

How do you come back to your female side? to express the triggers that go on inside of you and learn how to communicate those and your estrogen levels will come back up. But as soon as you get upset about something, that's a trigger, 90% of anything that bothers you as an adult is just a trigger, 90% of it is from your past. It's your baggage from your childhood.

I mean, this is, you know, a lot of people go, it's a cliche, but people don't really get it yet. That's the whole foundation of psychology is that every time we're upset, it has to do with something that happened before that. That has to do with something before that. And the simple logic of that, Freud discovered this and talked about it first, simple logic. I come home and I see there's a little problem in the house. I go, oh, it's a little problem. Or I came home and there's 15 things that went wrong that day.

And then there's a little problem. That little problem becomes a big problem. We all know that's the case. What works that way in terms of our whole history as children, there's, you see children in the hospital even. They're all crying. You know, they're traumatized. It's a birth today.

It's a hospital danger. Parents are afraid. Already we start out in fear. These are our first impressions. And then as little children, the way the brain works is we come out. We don't know ourselves at all. We have no self-reflection. It developed, take 28 years to the ability to see yourself separate from other people.

you know, I'm dependent on other people to say I'm a good person or not a good person. Some people never develop that part of the brain because they've been under too much stress and that's called taking things personally. So somebody doesn't like me, oh, I guess something's wrong with me and say like, what's their problem? I'm a wonderful person. That's healthy self-esteem. That takes years to develop.

As children, we come into the world and everybody's happy to see us. So we go, our first lesson is, oh, I make people happy. Right. Now when our parents are arguing, what did I? I do wrong. Well, my parents aren't here. I cry out. They didn't come. Doesn't everybody want to make me happy? No, they don't want to make me happy anymore. Well, what happened? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? We beat ourselves up all the time from this mistaken notion that I didn't do anything wrong. But as adults, we have to acknowledge when we do things wrong, but at the same time, we have to forgive ourselves. And no big deal, I made a mistake, because I acknowledge I made a mistake. If you're not

stressed and you acknowledge I made a mistake, that means you can change. But if you're not in the front part of your brain, I made a mistake, oh, I'm a bad person and guilt sets in and you can't let it go. So this is part of emotional intelligence. This is what I go into in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, which is helping women understand the pathways back to estrogen. And there's many more. And for men, the pathways back to testosterone. Because here is a takeaway for every man watching and for every woman watching to understand this. Whenever a man is angry, that means he's out of his, he's in his fight or flight, right? 200,000 year old monkey brain. Yeah, it's the monkey brain. It's automatic. He has nothing's going on

up here. Okay. So when a man gets angry, what's happening in his body? His testosterone is going down. His estrogen is going up. Now, anger is estrogen. Okay. It's an emotion. So now his estrogen is going up. If he talks while he's angry, angry at the person he's angry with, he will only become more and more angry. Therefore, if you sense a man is angry, don't ask him questions. Don't encourage him to talk, basically say, you know, I need to think about this and we can talk later and walk away quick. Don't engage a man when he's angry. You're absolutely right. I mean, it's a thousand percent right. Because I know those specific times that all they had to do is just not say a word and I'd be all right in a few minutes. But it just

Yeah, yeah. I'm in battle mode. And battle mode. You know, I saw it in the movies when I was a kid. I've seen this many times in the movies. But there'd be two guys in a bar and they're starting to, you know, look at each other's eyes. That's another thing if you're upset, never look in a guy's eyes. So they're like getting into their space.

And then they start to fight. And what do their friends do? They pull them off. They don't say don't fight. They pull them off and point in a different direction. so they're literally looking at a different direction and say, oh, you don't want to waste your time with that guy, you know. And it's like, it's over.

Right. Interaction and eye contact is like sometimes women want to have this eye. They're upset with you and they're eye. They look right at you. So worst thing to ever do. It's worse than saying I'm upset with you. You're no good. It's a challenge.

It's like. It stimulates. It stimulates this surge of estrogen to go up and it's testosterone goes down. And that's what people didn't understand for the longest time. We assumed that testosterone causes men to be angry. It's not testosterone that causes him to be angry. If he has a problem, his testosterone will give him confidence and strength. But when he starts to solve the problem, if it's not working, what he's doing doesn't work or he doesn't think I can get what I want, then he loses confidence, his testosterone goes down and his estrogen goes up and he starts to get

angry or he runs away okay and if he runs away women let him go let he needs the space because space distance allows a man to rebuild testosterone connection increases estrogen so you don't want to connect with a man when he's angry time out time out wow this is uh this is so good john i i love this and i know that i know the listeners are going to get a lot out of this too and hopefully they'll go back and read your books. And I'm listening to the new book beyond Mars and Venus. And I love one thing you said in there. You said, don't try to get your partner to read or join it with you.

Husband or wife, doesn't matter who's on that journey. All it takes us for one to change and then the relationship will change. That was a big aha for me. It is so, so important. It's the most powerful place people can see if I make a change, my partner will change. In a sense, if I make a change, the outer world will change. So this is the reality. You know, there's a movie that was very popular about the secret and the power of attraction.

Now, that sometimes is helpful. It's good information without a doubt, but it's not the whole picture. But if you want to see your power of attraction and how you can change your outer world, it's most immediate and most effective when you're in a personal relationship because you're more connected to that person. women tell me as soon as they start applying these insights they're married to a different man or they're married to the man he was in the beginning this is like you make the changes so good so good and men men apply these things too start listening more start doing the little things in one of my one of the chapters in men are from mars and beyond mars and venus is how important little things are compared to big things see men always think bigger is better and bigger is great no doubt about it and on mars you know if you're the guy who makes the touch date you're the hero, right? You know, bigger is better. That's the one who gets all the points. Well, on Venus, every act of love scores equal with every other act of love, bigger, small.

So that means you do something big, you get one point. You do something little, you get one point. So if you want a lot of points, score big with a woman, lots of little things, affection, understanding, non-sexual hugs, foreplay in the bedroom, romantic dates, you know, showing attention. These are things he, every guy does. in the beginning and then he stops. Why does he stop? One reason he stops. He doesn't understand women. Because in his mind, I'm going to do the little stuff and test you out and see if it

makes you happy. If that makes you happy, I have the confidence to commit to you. Then when I do the big stuff, you should become happier. So he thinks if I do the big stuff, I don't have to do the little stuff. And it's the little stuff that actually made her happy. Lots of little stuff. Not one little stuff. lots of little stuff.

So an example to remember this by, for men to get this, I can bring my wife 50 roses. I get one point, one act of love. Oh, my husband, he loves me. And literally, biologically, there'll be a surge of estrogen. I can bring her one rose or a gardenia. And I'll get the same surge of estrogen. One point.

Now here's where it's a little confusing. Everything has its sort of unique case. If a woman's estrogen levels are low, I can give her 50 roses and it doesn't do anything. Or I can give her one rose and it doesn't do anything. But it does a little bit. So I give one rose. I give a hug. I give a reassuring comment.

I know she got her hair done. Each one of those little things, they get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until she gets back to normal. They start compounding too. But just doing the big thing, you know, maybe a woman's in a bad mood. So she's resenting him. She feels I've been giving more than I'm getting the scores out of balance. So he thinks, oh, I'm going to do something really wonderful thinking this should make it up. This one thing is a touchdown.

That's right. It's just one point. You've got a lot of little points. Oh, my gosh. There's subtleties that really can make a relationship easier and make us as human beings healthier. All kinds of little solutions that most people don't think about because these are the behaviors for healthy hormone function and lasting love and relationships. but you've got to make sure you're getting the right nutrition. Nutrition is so key to getting this.

So you want to find the right supplements and support for you. And there's one which I want to talk to the men for a moment because, and this is sort of a private thing, but it's a sabotage for a lot of intimate relationships, which is, you know, we want to stay attracted to our partner. And if we experience get off on porn, let's just say, you know, you're missing her, but she's not around. so you just go online and you do your thing.

What happened is you just stimulated your brain more than a woman could ever do. Now, this is proven in terms of dopamine levels. So your brain is now dependent on higher dopamine levels to experience the arousal that used to feel with your wife. So it's really, really important for men to know this. Because, you know, hey, we've been doing it childhood, whatever, teenagers, whatever, and you get the urge, you do it and so forth. Now we've got porn, which makes it even a bigger dopamine stimulator.

if you use porn to get off, your ability to be turned on to a real woman diminishes, and it's proven porn lowers your testosterone levels. As a matter of fact, anytime you ejaculate, your testosterone levels goes down. And now once it's down, you ejaculate kind of stays there. But this is what the research showed, and this was really impressive to me, and really important for men to know. You make love to your wife, your girlfriend on a Saturday night date. Okay, you did that.

Next day on Sunday, your testosterone went down. It will always go down. That's the biology. Now, in the very newness of a relationship, it doesn't happen that way. There's just so much newness. But once you get familiar, he ejaculates on Saturday night. His testosterone goes down half. And it stays down for the whole week with a little bit rising up.

And then on the seventh day on Saturday night, it doubles. It doubles. Now, if you had, if you released on Tuesday, ejaculate. on Tuesday. It doubles. It has to have six days of abstinence for it to double. Now, if everything's fine, great. But what I see is so many couples, they lose.

The guy loses his interest in her, but he can be turned on so easily by porn or he can be turned on by a stranger. Why is that? Because porn or a stranger doesn't produce estrogen. Making love is testosterone and estrogen. So they stay balanced. But if you have a stranger,

testosterone just shoots up without the estrogen, produces high levels of dopamine, like a drug addiction, and now you're dependent upon non-estrogen sex to get aroused. There's guys who've been doing porn throughout their teenage years, and at 21, they're impotent. If they like the girl, if they don't care about the girl, if it's just a hookup, they can enjoy it once. Wow. This is like crazy. This is the world. That's crazy.

So many challenges for people today. Dude, that's so mind-blowing. John, this has been so good, not only reconnecting, but just listening to your brain. You are a smart individual. I love the way you're able to articulate to have the common man understand it, you know. So. Let me tell you one supplement I want to mention. Yes, please.

That's what I got. And it's called Chaseberry. Chase Barry? Chase Barry? I've heard of it. Chase Barry. It's also called Bytex is a more modern name for it. Chase Berry. Now, if you're a guy, just for the guys who are addicted to masturbating, Chase Berry is called Chase because the monks used to use it to be chased. Now, it wasn't that it

kills your sex drive. It actually normalizes your sex drive because what the monks would happen is they're masturbating all the time and they will be spiritually depleted afterwards, but they get addicted. And they would give them Chase Berry that actually normalizes dopamine function so they don't have the addiction to masturbation. You have the Chaseberry and it produces a hormone called dopamine. It raises your dopamine up, but it also produces prolactin. Prolactin is a hormone. This is so interesting. If you have sex with a girlfriend or your wife, someone you care about, all right, you have sex with her. So when you know, after ejaculate, your body will make prolactin, which causes that recovery period where you don't want to have sex for a while.

Prelactin inhibits sexual addiction. And it will actually, if we didn't have all the stimulation we have in the world, it would actually inhibit it for six days. And then on the seventh day, it will double. Literally, it's a six day cycle. It's a six day cycle. When you get maybe in your 50s, it might be a nine day cycle. Okay, it gets a little longer as we get all.

How come mine still a two-day cycle? Addiction. Really? Yeah, you're not hitting your double level. You don't even know what your double level is. I don't even know what my double level is. Oh, no. People don't know. Men's testosterone levels at 35 are all going down. I'm now almost 70 now. This is my 70th year. You look amazing. That's crazy. I'm getting there. But I have my testosterone is 50% higher than when I was in my 20s. No kidding. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't go down for me. But I know why. Okay. Only once a week. And this was kind of a challenge for me during, you know, the early years of my marriage. I just follow my heart. And after a few years, we're having sex once a week.

and everybody would say, well, you're a sex expert, you know, how often do you have sex? Like more is better. And I go, well, we just make love on Saturday night, generally speaking. If we go on a vacation, it's going to be a lot more. But I'm very happy with that because everybody thinks it's quantity instead of quality. I promise any couple listening, go without him ejaculating for six days. Your sex is going to be fantastic. But you have to have sex every week.

You can't just stop having sex. Then your testosterone will start going down. as well. So you've got to use the plumbing, then not use it, then use it, then not use it. It's the same thing with testosterone. You know, I talk about men going to their cave that will rebuild their testosterone, right? But if you just stay in your cave all the time, your testosterone will just go down. You've got to use it up and then it rebuilds. You've got to use it up and then it rebuilds. That's mind-blowing stuff. I love this. So, John, it's been so good connecting again. I want to ask you a couple questions before we wrap up today if it's okay with you yeah so one one thing that's it's a big one to

me and i'm blessed i'm not in this category but there's a lot of people that are struggling being in lockdown at home and in their you know um quarantines and stuff and they're just at each other constantly now they're out of their normal routines of yeah yeah way and happy to see each other at the end of the day. And I'm a coach, so I get this a lot in my coaching practice and stuff. But like, what's one thing couples can do now, taken away from this call, that they could do to enhance or, you know, embrace the stuff you've talked about today to bring? All of our, all of our reactions are based upon the way we interpret reality. All right. Everything is how we're interpreting. So knowledge is very important, as well as practice.

Yeah. Today we've discussed the knowledge that men need distance to rebuild their testosterone. women have to understand this. He really needs to be pulled away. Also, men need to have jobs in order to rebuild their testosterone, so they're not dependent on her for it. He's dependent on her to bring it up higher, but not for his basis. And that's a change in our world now.

Many men are not making the money, or they're not having the opportunity, they're not getting out there. There are many, many psychological needs we have other than just being intimate. We'll call those vitamin A, B, C, E, F, G. And then you've got vitamin. vitamin D. Vitamin D is what we get out of our relationships, so to speak, in this metaphor. But you've got to get all the other vitamins. So imagine that and our normal life gives us that. We're not getting that most of the time for everybody right now. So imagine you have all your vitamins except vitamin D. So you're feeling happy and you meet some guy or some woman. Now you feel happier. It's like you're in a good mood and you go out in the sunshine and blue skies. You're really happy. You go, wow. What that wow is a surge of vitamin D coexisting with.

all of your other vitamins. Interesting. But if you don't have all the other vitamins, vitamin D doesn't do anything. Okay, so that's why your partner can no longer have the positive effect they had in the past. And therefore, we tend to blame them for not making us feel that way. And we go, well, you should be doing this.

You're not doing this. So we have to test, this is a great reset to stop demanding more from your partner and start healing yourself. Stop looking to your partner to make you happy. And understanding women, you need to take this time to not look to your partner, like to share your feelings and complain and express anything. Don't try to change anything for a while.

Change yourself. This is reset who you are. Learn how to get out of the habit of using negativity to get what you want. That's called complaining. If you use negativity to get what you want, then every time you want more, your brain will look for something to be negative about. You're growing pathways in your brain that become automatic,

looking at what's wrong, looking at what's wrong, and don't watch the news. All this fear just puts you in the adrenaline state, which puts you into the pathways of a monkey, monkey brain. And the monkey brain in danger has a 10 times greater bias to see negativity than positivity. Totally. Why? It's about survival. I need to know what's going to hurt, not what feels good. So this is like we have to keep.

And so you'll get in these arguments and you'll feel, oh, I hate you. I don't know if I ever loved you anyway. You know, you've never done this for me. All that is a lie. That is the big lie. The big lie is don't trust your feelings unless your heart is open and you're happy. If your heart isn't open, don't trust your feelings. Anything that doesn't feel good, don't believe it, particularly now. Give yourself time to settle down and don't say that, well, you said that, that's your true colors. No, that's not their true colors. That's what they feel when they're being temporarily crazy. Yeah. So that should be helpful. Thank you. So last question. What impact do you want to have on the world? You have such a legacy and such a footprint that you've left. But what do you, what impact do you want to have on the world? Oh, I want people to have better relationships. True understanding between men and women. So divorce dramatically goes down. Children grow up and intact, intact mother, father, families.

Because right now the world's going in the opposite direction. We want to bring it back together. But with new enlightenment on how to create passion and love to keep the family together for children will grow up geniuses. I love it. Thank you, John. Thank you for being here today. I appreciate you so deeply, and I appreciate everything you've contributed.