KILL TONY - #474 - ALEX HOOPER

Episode Date: October 2, 2020

 Alex Hooper, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 09/28/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—“THE COMEDY STORE”PREMIERES SUNDAY OCTOBER 4TH AT 10PM – ONLY ON SHOWTIME.—MINT MOBILE! – To get your new unlimited wireless plan for just 30bucks a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE, go toMINTMOBILE.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode, and he sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the road famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hi, I'm Jeff. Yeah. How exciting. Whoa, that sounds like applause. Oh my goodness. That was interesting. Big hands. That was the effect. A lot of big hands in the room tonight. It's a big hand audience. Wow. Hi, Red Band. Hey, Tony. How are you? Good. Good. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, everybody. Look at that. Whoa, there's the turn in the wave. RyanJEbelt.com for every print, every poster in Kill Tony history, every single

episode of the show, couple of cool new t-shirts. RyanJEbelt.com. He's doing auctions, a bunch of fun stuff, an incredible artist. He's already started drawing this evening's episode. The great Charlie from Vito's Pizza is here, everyone. Woo, yummy. Keeping us all nice and chubby, ready to go on a burn it off on an e-bike ride. Yeah. I've been eating Vito's all week. I'm going to be honest with you. I broke the bubble and went to a little party this week on a very small gathering of about nine people. I decided to get some amazing catering from Vito's Pizza and by God, if I wasn't the goddamn star of the fucking party, who doesn't love baked ziti on a 115-degree Fahrenheit day. It was also salad, the mini breadsticks. Absolutely incredible.

Vito's Pizza located here in West Hollywood on La Cienega between Santa Monica and Melrose and also in the city of Santa Monica. I like a hot salad. That's right. We know that you love a hot salad. You know what else I love? Caveman coffee, giving me energy and keeping me strong and healthy. Use the promo code Kill Tony and get 15% off. I'm excited about tonight's episode. We have five people that signed up for the bucket. We are going to pull out four of them tonight and see what happens. And in the meanwhile, before we get to all this insanity, let's hear a little bit about tonight's amazing sponsors. Hey, everybody. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by the new five-part Showtime documentary series, The Comedy Store, featuring the biggest names in

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I've been watching so many of Showtime's incredible documentaries, The Love Fraud. Have you heard of The Love Fraud? It's this guy that literally married like 20 women and none of them knew about it. And then it just became a huge thing not to mention all the women that he was dating. Like, he was always dating multiple women while married to other women. He's like a psycho. It's so cool. The Love Fraud and so many other great documentaries. I can't wait to see this one though. They've been doing this for a while here at the comedy store. It's going to be awesome. They're this episode sponsor and what cooler to represent than the comedy store on Showtime premiering Sunday, October 4th at 10 p.m. only on Showtime. As an employer, you've got a lot on your plate,

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Alex Hooper, everybody. Yeah. It's Alex Hooper. Alex Hooper is back in the saddle again. Fresh off of America's Got Talent. I watched this most recent performance. It is incredible how you handle that big giant stage sitting in a throne, reading everybody, roasting nursery rhymes. You lit these people up. It was so great. Love the Simon Cowell e-bike jokes. We have a lot of running e-bike jokes here. You made fun of someone that I've actually roasted before who handles it so well, the great Terry Crews, one of my favorite humans. And you were just ruthless. I mean, some of it was truly like, you know, real incinerator roast jokes. You were going for some of the ooze in the Oz. I was surprised that they let me get away with some of that. And some of the things

that they turned down that they said were too harsh, I was like, do you understand how much worse what I'm about to say is? And they're produced. They're like, nope. They are executive say, don't say Columbia has a cocaine problem. Just make fun of Sophia's face. I was like, what? How is that better? It was incredible. The executives have no idea what's going on in the world. They are completely out of touch. And that's exactly the vibe that I got. I'm like, oh, they probably told him not to do other jokes. And that's why this seems more evil than it even should. And he just confirmed it. So exciting stuff. Perhaps one of the greatest roast performances in America's Got Talent history. And what you've been on that? What? Like two, three, four?

That was like that was my third performance on the show. Yeah, I got kicked off in 2018 with a pretty got buzzed the entire way through. Three thousand people screamed at me for seven straight minutes. That's came back this season for redemption and made it all the way to the live shows. And yeah, that was the one on last Tuesday was live in front of ten million people with jokes I'd never told before. Wow, I would have loved to have seen what you had up your sleeve for more, because I could tell if you're going to say I have more for the next round, I'm like, oh, fuck, I know what that's like, like, you know, to to have something up your sleeve big and just hope that it's going to take you to the next thing to win it. Are you getting recognized now everywhere?

That seems like one of those shows that you only the top half of my face. Nobody can recognize what's going on down at the bottom. But they're like, I think I know your eyes. And you have a really popular pug calendar that was on Ellen and stuff like that. Yoga's a pug yoga, right? Yeah, for sure. My my I have a rescued Korean pug. Her name is Kim Chi, because of course it is. Isn't that you don't you have a rescue Korean as well? Yeah, yeah. But she's a 26 female. They came from the same letter, though. So I'll tell you this, speaking of calendars, I know who the who the some of the worst calendar salesmen on the planet are. They are also the band here on Kiltoni. They chose 2020 to debut their paper calendar of all the years 2020.

They believe there are still hundreds available. Anyway, I'm going to bring them out right now. Every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been in the back the whole time getting ready. Ladies and gentlemen, they're going to be in character the whole show. Can't wait to see who we're hanging out with tonight. It's the best band in the land, the Kiltoni band, Jeremiah Walkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Jetski, Jesse Johnson and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Whoa. Oh, okay. Whoa. Serial killers. I know these guys for sure. This is Jack the Ripper without a doubt. One of the most famous serial killers of all time.

A famous Kiltoni character who's known for saying I'm Jack the Ripper. Here he is. Jack, how are you doing today? I'm Jack the Ripper. Okay. There it is. Glad that you're back. Jack, one of the most semi-famous characters in all of serial killing history. There he is. Jack the Ripper, aka the Penguin from Tim Burton's Batman, aka the Baba Duke. I just watched over the serial killer roast yesterday actually for my Patreon roast masterclass. I went over character roasting and talked about you and it was a lot of fun. That was a good don, wasn't it? I was Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah, you are very convincing Jeffrey Dahmer. All I had to do was wear glasses and part my hair to the side and it was frightening.

I know this young lady. I know everything about her. I always did. I loved your movie, Monster. And on top of all the research that I've done on you before, a brand new Jimcant swim kit. Matt, last month about you, the great, the powerful Eileen Wernos is here straight from hooking on the streets of Florida, murdering innocent Johns. How are you Eileen? They weren't innocent, motherfucker. I've never heard Eileen giggle like that after calling someone a motherfucker. Chroma Chris very clearly is evil Jesus Christ tonight. Hey Tony, it's your buddy Charlie. Charlie. Yeah, I had to come back because I heard the world was on the brink of that race war. I was trying to start. Oh, wow. So what do you think about it? Are you having fun

in it? Hell yeah. Tony Hilton scouter, baby. Okay. Very good. Absolutely. That is what that guy would say. And then clearly back here, very, very famous, very famous serial killer, everybody. It is Jennifer Lopez without makeup. Here she is. Now I'm kidding. This is Richard Ramirez. Am I correct? That's right. Tony Hale Satan. Oh, you guys all worship Satan like that? Yeah. You know, he's giving out sponsorships and we got chosen. Okay. What have you been up to lately? Richard Rodriguez. Ramirez. Oh, that's right. Ramirez. I get all you guys confused. Oh, you know, there's not a lot to do in prison, but a lot of reading. Yeah. That's about it. Okay. Well, welcome. Welcome. Bunch of serial killers here. Alex super red band and the sound board, Ryan J.

Everybody's in position. So let's start the show. Shall we? Yeah. Everybody. Yeah. All right. I could go to the bucket, but instead I'm going to start the show with a big red bang. Everybody. This guy, controversial character, loved by us. A lot of people write handwritten letters to the comedy store pleading for him to no longer be allowed here, but we throw those in the trash before management can read them because I absolutely love this guy. I fell in love with him the first time I saw him and here he has been being groomed and built like a young, young child in a pedophile ring here at the comedy store, but he's being built artistically as one of the longest tenured regulars in the history of the show. So who else can we count

on to count on to start the show? Like the big red machine, the Memphis strangler, the great, the powerful William Montgomery. If you come at me with a business idea and your pitch isn't just like the Tour de France, but with rollerblades, keep moving pal. The coolest thing about Bill and Ted is that they both turned out to have incredible careers. Research shows more kids are being homeschooled this year rather than being enrolled in public and private schools. This is not good news according to the nation's school shooters. You know when Dale Earnhardt died, they held a race in his honor because it's how he was best remembered as a racer and then for George Floyd, guess what we decided to do?

What's the best part about telling a racist joke on Kill Tony? I've got three weeks to go into hiding. There you go. Ooh, that's a minute right there. Wow. There you go. William Montgomery coming out guns ablaze and joke, joke, joke, joke. How are you, William? I'm fine. I still have the same shorts. Yes, you do. Has anybody sent you shorts? Has anybody sent you any shorts? No, no. No, still no. What did your father say after we talked to him last week about your shorts situation? Have you talked to him in the middle of this week at all?

It's been a pretty controversial week for you. Has it not? I did. My sweet friend David after the podcast Wednesday told my father I have a bad drinking problem. We talked about that. I almost had to go back to Memphis, but I've stopped drinking now. Oh, you've completely stopped? I'm done. Why are you sweating so much then? Because you stopped drinking. Yeah, because I stopped drinking. When's the last time you had a drink? Be honest with us. We've always had your back. Be honest here. This is an honest chamber. What is today Monday? Yeah, today. Saturday, maybe.

What time Saturday today? Saturday. So like late Friday night or into Saturday? Early into Saturday morning. Early into Saturday morning. And then when did you stop drinking? Probably 4 a.m. Saturday. 4 a.m. Saturday morning. And then what time did you wake up Saturday afternoon? 7 o'clock. PM? PM. You slept to the evening time? I did. It was hot as shit. And then what did you do when you woke up at 7 p.m. on Saturday? It seems like there's only one thing to do. Actually, my mom sent me a crock pot. I actually ate leftovers from the crock pot.

Those are meat sweats. Yeah, chicken meat sweats. He's lying to us. He made moonshine in that crock pot. He's liquored up right now. I once cooked an Asian woman's head in a crock pot. Is that true of Richard Ramirez? Because I'm pretty sure you just killed your parents. No, that's the Menendez brothers. Oh, that's right. Well, you know so much about the white murderers on this show. You think you'd give... Richard Ramirez was sort of overrated though, right? Didn't he only kill like... He was cool. I really... I liked him. What'd he kill?

14 people. A serial killer with a gun is just a plus. And I tortured a bunch of others. Shut the fuck up. How many people did he kill? Ellie, 14? Yeah, and then I tortured a bunch of other ones. Oh, wow. Want to beat an egg? No, it's cool. I'm the overrated one. Tony, I killed nobody. Yeah, you had a bunch of young people do the dirty work for you, didn't you? You're like a Bernie Sanders type. Yeah, just fill them up with acid. Hell yeah.

All right. Why'd you put that mask on the microphone, you bitch, before you'd spoke into it? William, be nice to Richard. I know. Well, we got into a fight yesterday, so... You did? I sort of lost some respect for him. Did your dad really almost make you move back to Memphis? Sounds like a Bruce Springsteen song. And all this took me to Birmingham, Alabama. And David hasn't talked to me. David, you need to talk to me.

What's going on? Did your dad watch the episode? I talked to my father the other day. He said, you're moving to Memphis. Come my way. What? Fun fact, I hate Bruce Springsteen. I love music, and I despise Bruce Springsteen. Jesus. Is that a Bruce Springsteen song? Bon Aran. Oh, God. Yeah, okay. That's the one. Yeah, you play it just as horribly as he would. Yeah, Bruce and Rick Springfield, like the two, they were almost clones.

Hey, Rick Springfield has Buffalo... Buffalo Soldiers. Oh, I hate that. Buffalo Soldiers. I loved Rick Springfield's Buffalo Soldiers. He was a Buffalo soldier coming to America. Hey, here we go. Let's wait for Jeremiah to find that note again. Hey, there you go. All right. All right. There you go. We got it. We got it. Did your dad listen to that episode, though?

I don't think he did. Wow. Isn't that... Maybe he did. I don't know. Did you listen to it sober? I'd never listened back to anything I've ever done. Well, I should have done that one. That's good. That's good. You should have listened to that one.

Why? Because then you would know why everyone's upset with you. What do you think you did wrong, William, just to give people the clips notes here? I threw up on one of Red Band's microphones. I kicked over one of his tripods. I messed up one of his cameras. What did you do to Eric Griffin? I kissed Janice. You kissed Janice?

Yep. We made out in the bathroom. Oh my goodness. You didn't know that one, did you, Red Band? I did because she was screaming because you were forced on top of her. I wouldn't say that. Okay. This is getting creepy. I wouldn't say that. William, where do you write most of these jokes at?

Where do you find yourself in a bathtub? Are you driving somewhere? Are you at the storage facility? Where do you tend to do most of your writing? It's mainly in a backyard setting. Backyard setting. So you're sitting at a patio. Correct. Sitting at a metal table.

Do you normally write while drinking alcohol? Because that could be an interesting storyline. By sometimes you mean... You've heard his jokes, right? Yeah. You mean a lot. Come on, Alex. You gave him the frowny face.

We know what that sound means. All right, William. That's how you write in the back with Beck playing. I do love some back. I actually got word this week that Beck's a big fan of you. Did you? He actually emailed me. Yeah.

So that's cool that you heard as well. I can't believe it. What did he tell you in the email? He told me to come to the Church of Scientology. I told him I may be a Christian. If God were to appear in front of you right now and say, William, follow my way. You've been drinking too much.

Oh, it's me, Jesus. What would you do? That's a weird sound in Jesus. Spooky ghost. I would just realize that he actually was the stranger on the bus. Do you remember that song? What if God was one of us? Atlanta's more set.

Trying to... No, no, that was like Joan Osborn. Oh, wow. Joan Osborn. Yeah. Cheryl Crowe. Rest in peace. Her one song.

I can't believe she's dead. Oh, yeah. Macy Gray. Yeah, it's a great song. Her career is dead if she's not. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Bill and Ted, Dale Earnhardt, George Floyd. You covered all the bases here tonight, William.

That's right. I'm going to tell you, that's Kill Tony Bingo. Automatic. I tried. So girlfriend situation is good? Yeah, it's going good. Can we check for bruises? Can you pull up your shirt and turn around, please?

It's actually... No, we're not doing that. Can we see what the... I'm not pulling up my shirt. Can we see how the hole on your stomach's doing? I'm not pulling up my shirt. Oh, the infection's back. Wow.

I think he's got more bruises. I'm not pulling my shirt. It's actually her birthday on 9-11. He's got a worse staff than someone that doesn't use Zip Recruiter. Staff? Yeah, it's the infection that you have. Staff infection. That staff infection is the open wound.

I had a staff infection on your chest. And the staff reference. Oh, there we go. Look at those legs. Damn. Wait, it's right here. I had a staff infection. Wow.

I got to say, from the waist down, you look amazing. Yeah, it's true. Thank you. I used to be a state champion cyclist. That's right. He actually was. He was a junior Olympic champion. Now he's got that e-bike body.

I wouldn't say that. His body is breaking away. It's a great bike movie. Yes, it is. He went from the Tour de France to the Tour of Italy. What is that restaurant called? Olive Garden. Olive Garden.

Yeah, that's a good Olive Garden dish. You ever get a bad six? Huh? You ever get a bad six? I don't know. Got it. I read these. You ever get a bad six?

I did. There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. Another fun week with William Montgomery. Switching of the microphone. I pulled a piece of paper. Do you believe him that he didn't drink since Saturday? Sort of.

I sort of believe him. Sort of do. I think he may have snuck. I think he may have had like one beer to help him fall asleep last night or something weird. That's the vibe I'm getting. I know him very well.

He's laughing very hard at that, too. Like I may have just nailed it. Did you have a little beer before sleep last night? Little vodka and Coca-Cola. He knows that his dad listens to this podcast. He knows Papa's listening. So look at him laughing. That means he's fucking caught red-handed.

Look at him holding the hole in his chest, keeping his intestines from plopping out. Your first comedian being pulled out of the bucket, the fresh, clean microphone, goes by the name of Sean Caron, everyone. Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Find a step back from that ledge, my friend.

Here he is, Sean Caron, everybody. All right. I miss life before COVID. I really miss my job. I used to work at the retard center. Yeah, that's what I said on my paycheck. That's old school. But I learned a lot from my clients.

I'm no philosopher, but I learned a lot about love. I think that there's different levels to love. I think the top level is like a mother's love. But right under that is disabled love. That's like that raw love. That's like built for tough love. You know what I mean? A couple of days before COVID hit,

I walked into two of my clients. They were making out. I was like, dude, just don't make out over here. I'll wait until you're at the mall. I'll wait until you're at your girl's house. And he locked eyes with me. He was like, I kiss her in her mouth. I like it.

She likes it. But you don't like it. You don't like it. I'm like, damn, now that you say it like that, you want the lights on or off. That's my time. All right, John Karen. So let me understand this story a little bit better.

Two mentally challenged people are making out. Down syndrome. Down syndrome. Damn. Well, two negatives do make a positive. Mike, goodness gracious. And you worked at the center in which a lot of these people were held. Yeah, I was like the staff, but I was like the middleman.

I was like the diplomat between disabled and regular. Right, I could see why that would be. You seem like you're somewhere right in between those two worlds. You go the size of sweatpants, one size too large, perhaps. Thing with sweatpants is you can see where a man's dick is. You see where his dick is right there, everybody? Look directly at a red band. You see that?

I see it. It's very clear. We can see your penis. The thing about sweatpants is they seem like the kind of pants that would hide your dick, but they're the worst at it. I mean, what's the difference? I'm just glad he's not wearing William Shorts. And the interesting thing is, since I mentioned,

being able to see his dick, it's gotten slightly firmer. It moved a little. Yeah, that's what happens. If you call out someone's dick, they get excited. The blood goes there. It's a natural tendency. We just see if we can get it fully hard. Yeah, absolutely.

That's what we're talking about. What type of curls are you into? He's now just sweating. He's gotten completely wet since I started talking about this. What kind of women are you into? It depends, really. Big breasts with a big ass, and they squirt all over you. Come on, let's get that dick hard.

Squeezing the tits right now, looking at you. This is the first time we've tried to get someone to have an erection. In the history of the show, it's been seven and a half years, and we're grasping at straws. I find that hard to believe, to be honest with you. Well, that's not the only thing that's getting hard to believe in this room, because that thing is pointing to the east.

Which way to Vine Street, my friend? It's trying to get manifest destiny. Go all the way across. It literally is getting harder. Can you zoom in? Zach, get over there and zoom in on this. It's 50% harder right now. Zoom in.

Lift up your jacket a little bit. We're going to completely expose you right now. Zoom in on his dick, Zach. We are making history today. Welcome to another episode of Kill Bonies. This episode brought to you by Dick Recruiter.com. My God, we got to get you a pair of sheets, my friend. You got to bury that thing under a couple more layers.

My God, what are you? What are you, free balling under those sweatpants? It's hot. You got it. Oh, my God. That thing's raised up like a fucking thermometer in Van Nuys. That thing, that thing's higher than fucking William Montgomery on a Saturday night.

Yeah, I could just put porn on while we interview him. So you can look at it. Oh, that's a great idea. What's your favorite ethnicity of porn star? Probably I'll say something I can relate to mixed. I like mixed. Okay, let's find it. Alive or dead.

What is that? That's a cam. That's a cam girl. We are now pointing a black, what appears to be a slightly, I would say, I wouldn't call this light skinned. I would call it, I would call it. No, she's pretty light. She's a mix.

We might need to find someone mentally challenged for him to really get off her. Oh, yeah. We could go on to the mentally challenged part. She's an interesting shade of black. You'd have to buy the 175 Crayola box to find the exact color that that girl is. Burnt Sienna.

Yes, that's actually her name. Sienna. So how do you feel right now being the first ever person on Kill Tony to go through the Kill Boney? You know what? It's going to keep on getting better. Now that you say, yeah, there we go. That's good.

You're definitely going to be famous from this. Do you feel at all like you're being a me too or anything like that right now? This is great. This is fun, right? You're part of a comedy show. Oh, yeah. You do not accuse Death Squad, Golden Pony Production,

so the comedy store LLC at all for anything that's happening to you right now. You're having fun. Charles Manson approves of everything you're saying to this guy right now. All right. Where's the weirdest place you ever gotten a boner other than right now, right here?

Oh, man, weirdest place. I'd say, oh, not probably. In my pants. Probably. The mall? Yeah. What mall? Roosevelt Field.

I used to work there. Wow. What did you do there? I used to work there. I used to be a stop like I used to work in the back. I used to tell people I was a model for Hollister, but they really, I just worked at the back of it. Wow.

Well, it looks like you have a Wetzel's pretzel in your pants right now. You know what I'm saying, people? I'm the donors. You can't work in the front like that, you know? Heck, yeah. No way you're working in guest services with fucking sweatpants and that goddamn fucking,

that fucking little smoky you got there. You have sex with a lot of girls? You sexually active? No, not for a while. Really? Not since I was 19. Oh my goodness. How old are you now?

31. Wow. You haven't had sex since you were 19? Yeah. Purposefully. It's been 12. No wonder you have a fucking boner during kill, Tony. My god, you have 12 years of semen

wrapped up in your nuts right now. My god, this is incredible. What do you think is going to happen the first time you have sex with a girl after 12 years of not having sex with a girl? I'm going to go in, really. I'm just going to go in real hard. I don't think you're going to make it in.

I think you're going to come taking off your underwear, Sean. Wow, that's incredible. Why do you think you haven't had sex with a girl in 12 years? Yeah, I think I'm waiting for it to be more serious because I... Yeah. Really? Yeah. Really?

Are you celibate by other people's choices? What is he seeing over there? Eileen's thousand days. Oh my goodness gracious. Red Band, that's got a penis. Red Band, that girl's got a wiener. I'm seeing if I could get there faster. There's innocent females back there.

This is, we're going to be, we're going to have a vulture article written about us if we keep pointing this iPad back there. Y'all suck them off for $5 if I can kill them after. Oh my goodness gracious. We got a deal? What about Eileen Wernos over here? What do you think about this beautiful girl?

Hey, Motherfucker. Hey, what's up? What do you think about me, babe? Yeah, would you hook up with a girl that looked like that? I got to see how she plays the trumpet at first. Oh no, Jesus Christ. That was pretty smooth. So have any of these Down syndrome girls at the place

that you work ever hit on you? Yeah, they gave me like gazes, I could tell. Really? Yeah. Are you sure that they're like sexual gazes or are they just mentally challenged? You could tell because some of them are non-verbal. So I see what they do to a girl and a guy,

how the girl, because they don't know how to speak. So they're sharp. They know how to bite their lip to other dudes. These are girls with Down syndrome? Yeah, they'll start rubbing. And I had to break it up. I don't know. I don't know.

They get in heat. Sort of wild. They're down stuff up. I've made that joke on this show before. I'm not proud of it, but I had to do it. That's actually, we've been counting. That's actually the 10th time you've made that show. Callback.

I like how Sean rationalizes that he's getting hit on by Down syndrome girls. He's like, yeah, you could tell they like you when they swallow their tongue. Okay, no one knows what's going on there. So it's now dog humping. Okay, dogs humping. It seems as though it is increasing his erection.

He's got an upcoming erection. He's got an upcoming erection. Okay, Red Bannon. Sean, so 12 years, no sex. And you work with special needs people. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Right now, I start training for running now.

So I've been training now for a 5K, 10K, and higher. So I've been running like hard. So I had been wearing short shorts actually for the run. For the run. Oh my goodness. Maybe that's what's going on. Maybe so much blood is flowing to his fucking Dick Tracy. Well, it's definitely not going to his head.

I can tell you that much. So you're training for a 10K? Oh, yeah. Man, it's it's because of COVID things are shut down, but I'm still trying to build up my stamina. That's not an excuse. I'm still putting in work. So hell, yeah, I'll be ready to go.

What else? What else do you do for fun? That's pretty much it. I've been doing that comedy all the time. I'm, you know, I got a podcast up. I've been focusing on that. And I just been writing a lot too. So I've just been been doing that.

And I'm looking for a job. But I don't want to do it's kind of hard for looking for a job because I don't want to like a full time job where I get comfortable. I don't want to do that. I had, you know, so I want to find like a still like a part time job. Right. So that makes sense, man. Well, you know what?

Maybe one of the listeners to this show are looking for someone for their company, someone that gets boners easily while wearing sweatpants. That's on a lot of people's hiring list. I mean, red man, who's going to get hard watching this? It's a dog with a dodgeball stuck on his head. Rock back here, baby. Oh, shit.

That dog's about to keep it going. Are you, are you into dogs with dodgeball stuck on there? Yeah, it's like a bondage thing. Oh, here's some chickens fucking if you need some chickens. All right. That guy's already got enough cock fighting going on in his pants. Okay, okay. Sean, you are one of the first people to have a semi-boner

in the history of Kiltoni. We appreciate you coming on. Fun set, man. You talked about pre-COVID. There you go. Sean Karen, everybody. What do you want me to say? Sometimes we talk about the people set.

Sometimes we find out something wild about their lives. And sometimes we try to get them to get a boner. Oh, wow. This is the, this is the return of someone very interesting that we met a few weeks ago. He made a long drive from the middle of the upper northern cornfields, the top of the GTA map to be here. He's back again here.

He is Trey Peacock, everybody. What's up? So I wrote a poem for you guys tonight from the bottom of my heart. It goes like this. I grow hair out my dick, but please don't laugh because it's hard to shave a shriveled shaft. And I don't really fuck with that hot wax.

So my peacock eye jack to tits and ass is fat. To get me hard to manscape my lap, but still no cheeks around to clap. Point is addictive, just like some crack. Any category or fetish, there is no lack. Fart sniffing junkie nose deep in butt crack. Just stay off pornhub, hit the streets for cat. I call that poem butt crack head.

You know, you could get your face wet from face wet and your pit sweat from pit sweat, but right now I'm kind of nervous. So my butt sweat from butt sweat. And with all these face masks and face sweat, I've been thinking of shaving my mustache off, but I got to keep the beat around. Otherwise everyone will know I'm gay.

That's it. Yeah, yeah. Killing me softly with his poem. Me softly with his poem. There you go. There you go. That's enough. That's enough right there.

Trey Peacock, how are you? Good man. What made you write a poem tonight? I wrote that on the drive back last, or a month ago or whatever. I wrote that on the way and I was like, I don't know if this will work or not, but I wanted to find out.

How do you feel like it went? I don't know. If he was a rapper, his name would be Bad Logic. I feel like I remembered it all right. I love it. You remind me of like the smartest guy in Bakersfield. Am I right? Bakers.

What? Close. He looks like Jeremiah if he had a meth problem. Yeah, that's true. This is if Jeremiah wasn't a Christian. This is what would have happened. He looks like if Dennis the Menace killed Mr. Wilson. It's true.

It's absolutely true. Is there an update from your car accident that you had last time that you were on the show? We all just did. Nothing happened yet. I don't think nothing is going to come of it. You ever do drugs? Yes.

What kind of drugs do you do? I mean, weed mostly. I smoke cigarettes. So that's shitty, but acid. That's my main thing. Acid. Have you ever done a cratum before? Nah, nope.

Well, I mean, I should probably tell you, there is SK Cratum. It's out there now. If you're over the age of 18 and not familiar with cratum, you should listen up because cratum is natural. It's a leaf of a topical tropical evergreen tree mainly found on the island of Borneo. Do you know that?

I didn't. I bet you didn't. I bet there's a lot you don't know. For hundreds of years, it was used by the people of Indonesia, workers in the rice fields. They would chew the leaves to help with energy and stamina through the day, similarly to how Americans drink coffee or energy drinks.

Most cratum consumers use cratum as an alternative to dangerous and addictive pharmaceuticals. Cratum has scientifically been proven to be safe. Yeah, man. SK Cratum is the best in the business. They have been a top cratum supplier for over six years and traveled to even Indonesia numerous times to see how and where their suppliers operate.

So they were able to weed out the bad product and suppliers. SK put in the effort so you are getting the best possible product. SK operates as a legitimate herbal supplement business with rigorous standards to ensure the customer has the highest quality and the safest product. Including testing by a third-party FDA consultant to prove the quality of SK Cratum. It's really true.

So you could, if you wanted to, you can go right now to soapcorner.com. That's S-O-A-P-K-O-R-N-E-R dot com and use the promo code killtony30 for 30% off your first order of $35 or more. That's soapcorner.com. Use the code killtony30 for 30% off soapcorner.com. These statements have not been evaluated

by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This product is not for use for sale to persons under the age of 18. This product should not be used, it should only be used directly as directed on the label. It should not be used if you are pregnant or nursing.

Consult with a physician before use if you have serious medical condition or use prescription medications. So doctors, if I should be soft before using this on any supplemental dietary product. Nailed it. Wow. That is incredible.

What other drugs have you used? That's it. Just weed acid. Really? Ever used CBD? Yeah, I did actually. Did it work out well for you? I mean, I didn't really film that.

What did you use it for? Just to try it. The CBD that you used, was it by any chance infinite CBD? Infinite CBD. It definitely was not. That's why I should tell you that right now, infinite CBD is the best. They actually work.

A lot of the places are con artists, but infinite CBD has the cleanest, pure CBD available. If you've never heard of CBD, it's derived from hemp plants and packs all the benefits of marijuana without getting high. And infinite CBD has a ton of different products that we've used and they're great, right, Brian? Oh, I love them.

I love the CBD gummies, you can tell, with B12. You have to pick these up as a part of your morning routine. The B12 gummies have the benefits of 25 milligrams of CBD combined with 1,000 micrograms of B12 per gummy. This is energizing. I love it. It makes me start my morning off with a pow. If you haven't tried CBD, look it up.

There's a lot of research and users reporting benefits like reduce anxiety, reduce inflammation and more. So you can go to infinitecbd.com to see which of their products fits your needs. That's infinitecbd.com. And if you use the promo code killtony, you will get 20% off. Once more, that's infinitecbd.com and promo code killtony for 20% off.

Have you ever thought about that? Huh? I have. I'll think deeper next time. There you go. Well, now you know exactly what to do. Cool. Do you ever do cocaine?

Nope. It's funny you should mention that because right now, cocaine.com has a very special deal. So what have you been doing lately to pass the time? It's the same cocaine you wash your teeth with. Where exactly in California do you live? Turlock. It's right on Modesto.

Turlock. That's right. And it's North of Modesto or South of Modesto? It's South of Modesto. So that's Timbuktu people. That is a scary desert, barren wasteland up there. Do you live in a house? Yeah, I do.

Is it one story? Two story. Whoa, two story. I live with my pops. You have stairs or a ladder? Stairs. Oh my goodness. I can't believe you have stairs.

They welded to the house, the floors together, right? I picture he just lives on top of two books. I'm just looking about one of those wax shacks you see on the side of the highway. Oh my goodness gracious. What do your parents do for work? Welders, right? Yeah, well, my dad's a welder. My mom works at a church.

What does she do at the church exactly? She helps run the youth program. Oh, I bet she does. Yeah. Can you tell her to pray harder for you please? She tries. She tries so hard. I don't know.

My goodness. So Trey, the temperatures have been scorching lately. I can't imagine what it's like just South of Modesto. What have you been doing to stay cool? Nothing to stay cool. I've just been working a lot. Drinking a lot of surge. Oh, sure.

What have you been doing? Well, I got a story from when I was working the other day. I was working in a hospital in Modesto. What were you doing in a hospital? I was doing electrical work, like pulling wire and stuff. Shit. Yeah, we were putting a sensor into a big salt tank, cleans out water or whatever. I didn't realize I was-

Wait, were you building a meth lab? Scrapping. It sounds like a meth lab. I was working in the morgue and I didn't even know it. But there was a part there- It was a morgue? Yeah, like the, or not a morgue where- Dead bodies are.

Yeah, the dead bodies are. Can you review how you didn't know you were working in a morgue? What? What? How did you not know you were working in a morgue? Well, because nobody told me, my co-workers said, hey, I need your help. I headed out there and nobody told me.

But I found out- Hey, could you get something for me out of the frozen aisle? Yeah, I found out because I saw a guy he pulled up with a van and like got out a stretcher at Gurney and was like putting blankets and pillows on it and everything. I was like, all right, they're going to wheel someone out. And then they brought out somebody in a body bag. I was like, what the fuck?

Okay. And then I'm like, well, why do you take all the time to put the pillow and blanket in that? He was in a body bag. They just set him on there. So- Did you ask them why they put a pillow down? I didn't.

I was just getting the fuck away from that. That's because they wanted the person to rest in peace. I guess, sure. Okay. So what did you end up- Is that it? That's the morgue story? That's the morgue story.

I like it. I saw it. I like it. What's your love life like? What did we find out about this little peacock? I just got dumped a few months ago. Oh, really? How'd that go down?

Why'd she dump you? Started fucking your brother? Nope. Nah. She just said she couldn't see herself marrying me, which I'm like, what the fuck? Like that. She was the one telling me the whole time.

She's like, oh, we're going to get married. And I started to get serious and she's like, nope. Cut me off. So- How old are you? 21. Oh my God. How old is she?

He does the bullet. 17. Oh my God. But that's like 47 in Modesto years. Yeah. That's Modesto for you. I know you're 21 and I'm 19, but I can't see myself marrying you, Trey.

Yep. I'm getting rid of the baby too. I've been seeing someone and it ain't a dentist. Yup, something like that. My goodness gracious. Do you think she's already hooking up with somebody else? Oh, I know she is. She told me.

Did it break your heart? A little bit, but I was like, nah, fuck that bitch. How many new ports did you smoke that night? Probably like three packs. Oh my goodness gracious. I stopped smoking cigarettes though. Oh really? Yup.

Did you end up stopping by going to lucy.co and using lucy nicotine gum? No. Oh, wow. Well, next is, jeez. You got a sample. Pick up the queue, Trey. Yeah, a lot of people have been doing that lately and you can absolutely do it too.

It's super duper easy. You just go to lucy.co and use the promo code that everybody knows, including myself, and the promo code is killtony. The smartest way to hire. So what's another interesting fun fact about you that we should know before we let you go? I forgot to tell you guys last week,

I'm part of the three nipple gang. I got three nips. Whoa, shit. You got three nips. All right, we got to get a zoom, zoom on that. Here we go. Zach's going over to the camera. Whoa, oh my God.

Wait, what's stuffed in your crotch? That's my strap. Don't talk about it. Wait, wait, lift up your shirt again. That's my strap. What is it? What is that? It's a ratchet strap.

It's a what? A ratcheting strap. It's a strap. I thought that would work. My bad. You had an actual strap in your, wow. I was driving by Home Depot on the way here. I was like, I got it.

That's what I use on my slack lines. So you put a strap in your penis area, not knowing that the guy before you was going to have a boner, and assuming that we were going to ask if there's something shoved in your crotch, you were going to say, I'm strapped. Pull it out like it's a gun,

but it's actually just a strap. Exactly. Wow. What a bit, dude. Incredible. Look out carrot top. Incredible. There's a new king in town.

He was 0 for 14 throughout the beginning, from the beginning of this set. And then at the very end, he comes with one of the biggest surprises in the history of the show, a giant strap in his crotch. Where'd you buy that broken Home Depot? Oh, come on.

I mean, Tony, you know. You can say he's strapped my cash now. Get out of there. You can bomb the whole night, but if you close strong, you won. For the audio listeners, he pulled out like a strap that you would tie shit on your car

or something like that, right? Like one of those. That's true. He went to Lowe's to get that. Kind of freaked me out though when he started pulling it out. Yeah. Income that his family makes.

Trey, so fun to have you on. Thank you, sir. Good times, man. How many times have you done stand-up now? This is my second time. Your second time ever. Congratulations, man. Go hit an open mic.

Do it. Keep working it out. Go out on the desk to perform in front of a fucking a cigarette stand or something. Trey Peacock, everybody. There he goes. Thank you very much.

Yes, he was saying in my life with his words, killing me Tony with his heart, killing me Tony. All right, your next comedian, a super regular on this show, one of my favorite human beings on the planet. Great comedian. Great roaster. Here he is.

The great David Lucas. Everyone here is live in the flesh from the main room of the comedy, Storts David Lucas. Yeah. I think we can go ahead and open up the world. If it's safe enough for 80 year old Nancy Pelosi to go get her hair done.

But the crazy thing about Nancy Pelosi getting her hair done, when she left the salon, nobody knew she got her fucking hair done. That bitch left the salon looking like a salamander. What the fuck is going on? This bitch is ugly and 80 with a lot of money. A lot of people are mad

because they just released that gyms have been open in government buildings during the whole quarantine. And the crazy thing is, I haven't seen one gym open in the projects. So I'm trying to figure out what government buildings had gym opens. I had my first ever threesome, but it was more like a 2.5 some.

It was me, a stud and her girlfriend. And the stud made me her pussy on my knees. It was the weirdest shit ever. Wait a second. What the fuck? A stud is like a butch lesbian, I'm hoping. Okay. And this really happened?

Well, there's more, but that was supposed to be for next week. But I thought that those two jokes previously were going to be a minute. And then I'm like, damn, I still got time. It happens, it happens. To be continued next week. I guess so.

There's so many questions about it. It was, I'll tell it now. Fuck it. It was a stud and her girlfriend. Like, so this was a little while back. And they're both, they're both of the African American descent. Yeah, they both niggas.

So that's what I wanted to ask. I saw this girl at a club and I was trying to get at her. And she was like, you can have me, but you got to have my girlfriend too. So I'm like, oh, cool. Shit. And then she walks up looking like you.

The bitch will look like me without the beard. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow. You instantly fell in love. Tatted up, belly, pants sagging. We were the same size shoes and everything. My goodness. She have the same bangs too?

Her dress were a little longer. Well, my dress were real short at the time. I think I had just started actually growing my locks. So it was, yeah, her shirt was killing mine. And yeah, she made me feel like the bitch in the room. She made me literally get on my knees to eat her pussy. And she like hovered over you? Yeah.

Sort of just like dipped her pussy in your face? Yeah, bro. Like slapped me across my face with her clit. She had a big clit though. She like deep throat that pussy now. She had a big clit. Like her thing was she was like, she puts her clit inside of girls.

Oh, fuck. Wait a minute. This is a stud with a big clit. You think this wasn't a dick? No, it was a clit. It was a clit. My goodness, gracious. So, uh...

Yeah, I mean, she started shoving the clit in the vagina and the balls started heading up against her. All right. It was crazy. So did you end up having sex with her and her girlfriend? No, I couldn't do it, bro. You couldn't do it? You tapped out on the pussy eating cart?

Yeah, it wasn't too much, bro. Because it was like... You're a pescatarian. Was that the fishiest thing you've ever had in your mouth? Nah, it's... Then it tastes like lunchable, mate. It's some holes out here you really can't go down on because as soon as you take the underwears off, you're like...

Fuck. Had you been drinking? Yeah, I was lit. I was lit and turned it down. Yeah. But you were lit and you turned it down, but you didn't turn it down until you were already on your knees. You had already paid your dues.

You had nothing but the whole stretch ahead of you. It was the disrespect. Just be honest. All you wanted to do was eat the masculine lesbian's pussy. Did she put her hand on the back of your head when she was going down on it? No, I did watch them fuck, though. Oh, okay.

The shit, I'm glad I didn't fuck her because she pulled out a strap on two times the size of my dick. Oh, shit. And I'm like, I would have been... There's nothing I could have did to this girl if you fuck her with that on the red light. But didn't that get you like crazy horny and be like, fuck, I'm joining this party?

Like, how would you not do that? I probably dodged a bullet because I already had like tequila dick. I wouldn't... Was the lesbian like, I'm going to pull out a strap on and she pulled out an actual strap? No, the bitch had a...

Hey, bruh, that dick almost had me going to the car. Me, too. I kind of freaked out. David, I have a question. Is it a turn on? Do you have to be dominant or like, can you take the submissive role? I'm a dominant nigga, yeah.

Like, if a girl chooses to fuck me, it ain't gonna work. Right. Yeah, I'm the dominant nigga. When you say chooses to fuck you, do you mean like in your... Fuck back. He's a power top. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't wait. So if a girl's on top, what are you saying? I got to be in control of her. Like, she can't do... I ain't gonna let her go. You don't let her like bounce up and down? But I got to tell her at the speed. Bro, you're in...

You know comedy? You got to let her grind, man. So wait. So when you say... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold that thought. So when you say you have to regulate the speed,

you mean like you hold on to their waist and sort of just control it that way. Because I don't... You're not like faster, slower, slower, slower, faster. Yeah, exactly. Because I don't want a girl controlling my nut. That's too much power. Right.

I put the dom in dominoes. What? That was funny. That was funny. What did you say? I put the dom in dominoes. Oh, okay. I don't want a girl controlling...

I put the no in dominoes. I ain't no chick gonna control like when I finish. It's gonna be me that chooses. Right. Yeah. That's weird. So you go nice and slow then in order to be able to last long.

Yeah. Right. What's the fastest that you've ever finished? Immediately? Have you ever just put it in once? Hi, I'm David. I probably say like... Yeah, because that's what...

Everybody starts... When you're a comedian, everyone knows you start sex like you start a set. Hi, I'm David. Ah! Like three to five minutes. Wow. Three to five minutes.

Just like a pop upset. That was like when I was like a freshman in college. Right. That's like a good time for me. Really? If I make it five whole minutes, I'm doing good. Yeah. Five minutes.

Five minutes can be... Depending on the motion in the ocean could be a good fox session. Depending on the girl too. I faked a lot of... Orgasm. You faked orgasms? What do you do?

You just have a little helmet. Why? Spit on their back? You have a little mayonnaise packet that you keep in your pocket? Spit on their back. With little helmets. Just bite the corner off. You spit on their back and she's like,

why'd you just spit on my back? They don't know, bro. Did you say... You gotta do it like... You gotta be... And then just take it out and like drip on it. You can't like... But...

You can't just be hot in the morning. Did you fake an orgasm when you were eating the the Butch Girls vagina? No, that's not true. Were you like, nah, I'm good ladies. I already came from eating that sweet, sweet pussy. She was just too aggressive. Way too aggressive.

Right. It was like, bitch, I'm the nigger. You're not. Right. Yeah. My goodness. I really hope that they secretly took video of this and send it to us here at Kill Tony.

I've dot pp. When I first got popular with ADD girls, tried to like... And I'm like, nah, but turn that shit off. Put your camera up. Put it in my bag, actually. Okay. Yeah.

Can I ask you a question? What did they say when you were like... On your knees and just went, nah, like this. I was on my knees, but then like halfway through, I was like, man, I can't be out here like this. But what did they... How did they... They didn't care?

They were like, all right, sit in that chair and watch. The stud didn't care. I don't think the film cared either. It was just more so about, I don't know. So how did that make you feel when you were down there? How long do you think you were down there for? Drunked like regular time, probably like 20 minutes drunk time, like five minutes.

My goodness. 25 minutes? I said on regular time, probably 20 minutes. Oh. But drunk time, it felt like drunk time is a lot faster than it actually is. Right. Did it affect you, you think?

Being down on both knees like that, you think you're going to be able to perform? Absolutely, bro. It took a little bit of my manhood. This is the classic from boys to men down on bending knees. Was this playing in the background? No, trap music, nigga. I was in Atlanta.

My goodness. Trap music player. I had just love a strip club. Is that trail? Was one of them a stripper? No, she was a... Security guard, it sounds like. She was a paint stripper, though.

She was a sex worker. I love it, man. She was a sex worker, bro. That's great. Wow, really? Damn, David Lucas. I've fallen in people for that person. I mean, but you know, I don't care about all that shit, bro.

You know how to have fun, man. I've dated a stripper, I've dated a porn star. Like, that shit don't bother me. It's all about your personality. God damn right. You're a fucking rock star, bro. Yeah, you know it, bro. I have too many crickets.

Can you believe this guy? I 100% believe this guy. All right, David. Well, fun times, fun story. We'll see you next week. There he goes, the great David Lucas, everybody. We're going to get you. We're going to get you, get you, get you, get you

one way or another. All right. This should be fun. I've seen this young man lingering around the show for the last few weeks. He has signed up. This is his time. Ladies and gentlemen, here comes James Walters.

Here we go. Woo. Yeah. There he is. James Walters. Thank you very much, Tony, and the Contra band. All right, so anyway, I was on a forced vacation for the last couple of years.

Got myself a little bit of trouble. And on the one out, I started to notice that was, I started to notice that there was different stuff going on. There was all kinds of movements. And I saw a movement for BLM. And I started getting pissed off. I was like, what the fuck's going on? Who's out here killing motherfucking Smurfs, man?

I was out there for like three goddamn weeks looking for Gargamel. I was ready to fuck somebody up for getting Smurf Fed. Anyway, so all kinds of other shit was changing around. And I started to notice that they're changing the names of jobs that people have. Like, you're no longer a waiter. You're now a server.

And to me, that's absolutely ridiculous. You wait for me to come in. You wait for me to leave. And then the stewardess shit is just pissing me off, too. Like, you're a flight attendant. Bitch, you steward me onto the plane. You steward me off the plane. We're all attending the motherfucking flight.

And so the whole time, you know, we're just sitting there. And I'm just chipping out. And I'm like, I need to do some different one in my life. So I decided to become a fucking rapper. And what do I do to become a rapper? Is I just decide to fuck it. I need to come up with a song that's misogynistic as hell. Go ahead, go ahead.

I want to hear the rest of this. Go ahead. All right, so I come up with a song. And all it has to be is misogynistic as hell. So I'm thinking, one, two, three, four. I dropped my balls on your face, bitch. What? What?

I dropped my balls on your face, bitch. OK, stop, stop, stop. Stop. James Walters, everybody. That was James Walters. That was James Walters. Hi, James. Hey, what's going on?

You've been on the show once before, correct? Never. Really? This is your first time. I feel like you've been on before. No, never. As a matter of fact, when I came here two weeks ago, I had no offense to you or nothing.

You didn't even know what was going on here. You were just walking by on a Monday. No, I was driving. I had a tough day at work. And I was driving by, and I seen a crowd. And I was like, shit, there's people out here doing something. What were you driving? I'm a little Hyundai.

Where do you work at? I'm a bill collector. I work from home. You're a bill collector? Yes, sir. You're like, dog the bounty hunter? No, no. I used to be a processor, for instance.

But then I ended up going to prison and came out and. There you go. Fresh out of prison energies was my next thing that I was going to here. I took that note down. What'd you go to prison for? Robbery and accessory to robbery. Oh my goodness.

What did you rob? Walmart and a Berlin's Co-Factory. Oh my god, this is so exciting. He robbed me of a minute. There you go. What did you steal from the Walmart? I got to know, because everything at Walmart's like $2. What it was, is that basically I was on drugs.

And me and my co-defendant, my wife. And we were out there trying to steal shit for our habit. And next thing you know on the way out, the security guard tries to stop her, and she punched the security guard in the face. What exactly did you steal? She was stealing underwear, and like Bluetooth speakers, and that's a co-defendant relationship.

And Tony, there's someone out there for everybody. They're soulmates. Just a couple of the steals together, feels together. You guys still married? Oh yeah, for sure. What was your drug of habit? I was a methad, man. I did that.

I was woo. Wow, you loved it. How long were you doing it for? See, that's the thing, is I only did it for a couple of years. Like I was the regular dad with the kids, and all that kind of bullshit for like 16, 17 years. Wow, 16, 17 years. Is that how old the kids were when you started your meth habit?

Yeah, man, I fucked up. 16 and 17, are you? No, no, no, no, they were 15, like 10, 16 and 17, yeah. 10, 15, 16, 17. Somewhere around there, yeah. High school age, I fucked it up. My goodness gracious. I'm feeling good about that.

Do you communicate with them now at all? Oh yeah, for sure. Like everything's out, I'm sober. Everything's good. How long you been sober for? Oh shit, I've been sober from meth and all that shit for about four years. Awesome, congratulations.

It's not an easy drug to give up. I don't know if you know this, but a lot of people are getting off of meth by using SK Kratom. Actually true. They go to soapcorner.com, spelled with a K, and they use the promo code KILLTONY30 for 30% off. Anyway, you create them? Really?

No, I was trying to come up with that cute thing. No, it's OK, it's OK. So incredible, what did help you get off of meth? Prison. Prison did it. Tell us some prison stories. How long were you in prison for? I was in prison for about two and a half, three years.

Ended up going to fire camp, fighting fires and all kind of shit. Right, right. My goodness. Interesting. I mean, yeah, prisons, I don't know what kind of story you want to, like I saw someone get a whole putt in them. I mean, I mean, like what kind of story? Yeah, tell us about that.

That's what we would consider a compelling story. All right, well, I was in fire camp training and there's a bunch of factions when you're in prison. There's the South Side gangsters, the Spanigan, the Fresno Bulldogs, there's the white people, then there's the different black sex and the Bulldogs and the South Side Mexicans got in a big old fight and they started barking and fighting each other.

The next thing you know, somebody broke a broomstick off, hit another guy in the ribs with it, and then the tear gas came and shot the dude right there and it blew up, the helicopters came, they put people out, it was crazy. Oh my goodness. Wow, and did the guy die? No, I don't know, I don't really care.

Like he ended up going to like, you got like, who won, the Mexicans or the whites? They were all Mexicans. Oh, they were all Mexicans. Well, no, I mean, some, like some people, I don't know. The Mexicans won, I guess. The Mexicans won and the Mexicans. I just saw Mexicans fighting Mexicans

and I was like, holy shit. My goodness, gracious. What do you think about all these Latinos in the prison system? Man, you don't want to get me started about all that stuff. I mean, that's the prison system. I'm not gonna talk about those.

Right, and what are you? You fell into the group of the whites, right? Cause you seem like you could sort of play the fence on either side. Oh, I mean, yeah, I mean, prison is weird. Like it's a forced kind of racism when you go in there. Like you immediately have to. Did you ever have to do something for the white people

to earn your stripes or anything? Were they ever like, hey, man, go up to the Mexican and fucking call them a Mexican? Yeah, did the white people talk like Mexicans in prison? Yes, some of them did. Like it's, it's weird. Like you'll go in there and, and you'll see like white dudes that are from like Torrance, you know what I'm saying?

And as soon as they get into county jail, the Mexicans will rush and be like, what are they? What are they? And then they're just like, okay, yeah, whatever. And next thing you know, they're Mexican and they're getting hang out. No, you don't say Blancos and you are.

No, no, no, no, no, none of that shit. I mean, it's, I don't know. My goodness gracious. So now, now what do you do for fun? What are some things that you feel all your extra time with other than coming here? No, I mean, like some hobbies years, like you play frisbee golf or are you a professionally ride?

I write rap, I write rap songs now. You really do? Yeah, like I'm telling you, like I might shoot like. Okay, give us a real rap song. That's a little more complex than I put my balls on your face. Okay, see, cause there we go. The rap name is broke for real. Okay.

All right, like I ain't into pipping into female acquisitions. I got fast lane sluts to play any in our positions. If you don't do shit, you still make a decision. So handle all the bullshit with some timing and precision. Catch me a genie to grant me three wishes. Suck a dick, cook a steak and go and do my dishes. Bad bitches, bad bitches, bad bitches. They be the ones that go into the snitching.

Bad bitches, bad bitches, bad bitches. They be the ones to go and get my riches, but fuck them. I'm broke, I give them all flow. I got weed, liquor, money and all these hoes at home. Oh, we oh, I got weed, liquor, money and hoes. Wow. Damn. My goodness.

Fuck yeah. Wow, I didn't know fucking oompa-loompas could rap like that, that's incredible. I didn't know we were listening to New Kids on the Sub-Lock. Yeah! Yay! Come on, I'm trying to rap!

I didn't know what contraband was gonna do. I saw Alice Cooper and then, you know, Gallagher, Pills and Cash. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what's going on here. 100%, what do your kids do now? How old are they now? My kids are doing well.

I have a son, cause that was gonna be my other joke. Like when I came out, I never done this shit before. So you were like, do a minute. And I was like, all right, jokes. You know, I was gonna tell them. This is your first time ever trying stand up? Like I did it like 20 years ago.

Like I went for a talent show like 20 years ago and I did okay and I ended up hosting for like a week. Wow. It was dumb as shit cause I did the dumb rap song. But I actually like hosted for that dude, Ari Shafir. You hosted for him? Yeah, like back in 2000, I think in two,

like when he was first started. Wow, that's so cool. What did you host for him? No, I don't understand. Like I came up, did a couple of dumb jokes for the week. Right, it was like an open mic. He was hosting. No, I was hosting.

He came to Santa, I lived in Santa Barbara at the time called this place called the Coach House. I went for an open, it was called open mic, but I thought it was open mic for like comedy. It was open mic for like everybody. There was like chicks up there singing about getting raped and cancer poems. It was crazy.

People getting boners. It was a carnival. But I did jokes and then the guy came in and was like, oh, did you do it? Nice. You want to come back next Tuesday? Sure, I had no idea what the hell I was getting into. And so him and some other dude that came up with him,

they came up just to do the show. They got paid. I got like part of the tips. Wow, that's great. Look at that. And then you hung up, you hung it up. Well, I mean, I feel like, fuck this, I'm going to go do that.

Well, no, I wasn't doing drugs at the time. You know what I'm saying? I just had kids and I like, I needed a real job and paid real bills and shit, you know what I'm saying? Like right now the kids are older and I'm like, okay. You know, like this, I came down here, you're like, come back next week. Surprise, Dari Shafir let you leave with any money that day.

Those tips, those tips should also come to me. No, he did ask. Right. That's fun. Well, James, congratulations on your 20 year return to stand up comedy. Fun times here. We talked about, what did you mean by the Smurfs thing,

by the way, for the Black Lives Matter? No, I didn't say black, I said blue lives matter. So like, you know, so I'm saying like, when blue lives matter, I was like, who's out there killing the fucking Smurfs? Gotcha. Like, I didn't know. Gotcha.

I thought that was gonna kill. Blue lives matter. I heard you say BLM. It's a comedy, James. There you go. I thought that was gonna kill. It's our favorite thing to say. There he goes, James Walters, fun times, James.

Thank you very much. There he goes. Come back again, James. All right, let's see what happens here. Okay, this should be fun. Met this young lady right before the show and she signed up. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Christy Belich.

Here we go. Here she is, the one, the only Christy Belich. Hey, I've been, I moved out to the desert, the middle of the desert, after all this went down. And unlike Jesus who got enlightened, I just got extremely fat, you know? Like I'm going through what I call a Walmart pregnancy. Like a Walmart pregnancy is just consists of microwave pizza,

canned wine, and just clog septic tanks. That's what it is, you know? But since I've been like watching a lot of YouTube lately, my YouTube ads have been weird. Like my YouTube ad lately has been about the sleep app. And I don't know if anybody's seen this ad. It's really kind of creepy. The sleep app is something that monitors you in your sleep

to the point that it monitors you when you fart and talk in your sleep. So it's got me thinking, you know, and the government's got us at everything, right? And it also has me thinking that the elf on the shelf was just preparation for this bullshit, you know, during the holidays. Like the elf on the shelf was just watching us

when we were sleeping. He knows when we're awake. Can I do the time? Yeah, go ahead, go ahead. I'm so sorry. Go ahead, the elf on the shelf. It doesn't matter if you've been bad or good because if you're black, they're just gonna shoot you

in your sleep for goodness sake. Oh my God. All right, there you go. Christy. Christy Belich. Welcome to the show. How are you Christy? I fucked up the joke.

It's okay. It couldn't even tell. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six years. I shouldn't have fucked up the joke with six years. My goodness. Where have you been doing it? Six years at?

Well, I was on the East Coast and I was doing the road. Where on the East Coast? DC and New York and all the Virginias, all the No Teeth States. Okay, very good, very good. And then when did you move to California? I was here before and then I moved on a Greyhound bus from Baltimore, Maryland to Los Angeles.

Baltimore. Yeah, January and the night. More like a Blackhound bus, am I right? Baltimore, that's a rough trip. Jenda beaten a stud's pussy. Now I'm kidding, that's just a joke. Came out for no reason. If I need an only fans maybe.

I love it. Christy, so welcome, welcome. You talked about a lot. You moved to the desert. What desert did you move to? I live in 29 Palms. Oh my goodness. What made you move out there?

I know all about 29 Palms. Poverty. Really? Yeah, being a comic and I moved out for this place. I moved out for the comedy store. Right, when did you move there exactly? April the first. Of 2020?

Yeah. My goodness. What a little go-goods. I mean, it is what it is. That's like moving to Alabama to go to Disney World. Yeah, that is two and a half hours away due east for those of you that don't know. 29 Palms is the young sister

of a young boy named Joshua Tree. Pretty much everyone's on mushrooms and shit up there, right? Yeah, I did them too. Yeah, that makes sense. And you moved there April and is it true that you've been eating microwave pizzas? That's why I look like I'm pregnant right now.

I've got two pregnant ovaries. And canned wine, I thought that was hilarious. I mean, amongst people on this show, I do believe you're actually the most fit comedian we've had on. It's a lie, that's why I wore a black. All day, you have the highest rated physical out of everybody.

William has open wounds. David, I didn't even get to talk to David Lucas about him jumping in a pool. Do you see that video of him jumping in a pool? Oh yeah, well who jumps in the pool with their shoes on? Shoes and socks and somehow there was barely any splash. I've never seen anything like it. I was gonna say, was there any water left in it?

No, it was the opposite. Somehow he left like no splash whatsoever. I think he had a simpic level diver. He had practiced already jumping over the jetty and the little boy reaching up. What do you think would happen if you jumped into a pool, Christy? I'd probably look like David Lucas, but the opposite, I feel.

Was it David Lucas and William in the same pool? I don't know. How do you stay cool out there in 29 palms? It's very hot out there. I pray and I do mushrooms. Really, who do you pray to? I pray to Jesus and Kali. My goodness.

What was that second one? Kali. Kali? Yeah. Kali. Kali Ma. Kalamari. Kali Ma on the Lepchi Day.

Something like that. Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones reference, am I correct? Wow, look at that. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, you want to know the most disturbing thing in Indiana Jones movies? I can't stop thinking about my whole life. Wow.

It's when the girl is riding the elephant and she sprays perfume on that gross elephant. Oh, God, I hate that. Yeah, you can't do that. That's animal testing. That's bad. What's the most profound revelation you've had while tripping?

I think, for me, it's just that we all have to get through this shit no matter what. And we're accounting for the sins of the people before us. Absolutely, I agree 100%. I agree 100%. The mushrooms are good out there in 29 palms. Accounting for the sins. We pay the price.

So you do a lot of mushrooms. You in love out there? Did you find any love in 29 palms? Any Trey Peacock-like characters coming over and doing the wiring in your place? I am, unfortunately, single. Really? Did you see Trey Peacock?

I mean, he's very, very cute. That's the guy in the back. Very cute. Oh, Trey, what do you think about this? She thinks you're cute. Strap in, buddy. I just feel like the guys here all look like they could be bottoms.

I'm not going to lie. Is that how you feel about Trey? Tell the truth. I feel most of the guys, even the guy that was in jail, all of them look like they're just slapping at us. Wow, even the guy that was in jail? Damn, what kind of dude do you need? It just makes me sad because David Lucas is like,

I'm a power top. And you're just like, dude, shut up. Like, pin him down and put him in jail. Hello. I don't think there's everybody on the stage. It's so funny, except for the gorgeous lady in the back. It's just like, you're all a little sloppy bottoms. Maybe you don't need a man, baby.

Yeah, Eileen Wernos. Eileen Wernos can show you the way. Eileen Wernos actually had some pretty cute girlfriends for a while. Oh, she got excited. She thought she said Eileen De Jonos over there. My goodness gracious. So when's the last time you were with a man?

We had some people on earlier that haven't had sex in 12 years. I mean, nobody's been under this hood in a very long time. Really, under the hood? We got to find you a mechanic, girl. You're a clansman. The most that's happened is that rats ate the wiring under my Hyundai, so I was like, oh, well, at least my car is getting some action.

Oh my goodness, look at that. The rats got down on their knees and ate the wiring underneath the Hyundai. I also own a Hyundai, so. Really, is that true? I do. In Elantra? Yeah, it is.

2010. You better keep that thing away from William Montgomery. He flips Elantras. You know that? I did not know that. That's one of the reasons why we originally fell in love with him. The first time that he was on the show,

he talked about how he goes around flipping Elantras over. It's one of his favorite things to do. He turns them over on their side. William, when's the last time you flipped an Elantra? Two weeks ago. Buddy, I lived two blocks away. We're going to my place after this. You ever flip a 2010?

He's got a 2010. Where'd you park? Oh, I walk here. Oh, you walked here. You're very lucky. Silver is it? Silver. What color is it?

Love Silver 2009. He loves Silver 2009. So you're lucky you have a 2010. He would have probably already flipped it. Have you ever had to do anything using your strength? You seem like a strong woman. Have you ever saved a child from an accident or anything like that?

I used to work with primates that I had to lift up and give them ketamine. What? What kind of primates? What do you mean? I worked with a couple different species of primates. That was my job. What were the species exactly?

What were the primates exactly? I am a primate and I require ketamine. Rhesus macaques. What were they? Rhesus macaques. Macaques? Yeah, Rhesus macaques. Oh my goodness.

Yeah, and pigtail macaques, all different types. Baboons. Yeah, I did government research before I did that. Really? Wow. You did government research with macaques and baboons. What kind of research? You give them like DMT and shit?

No, it wasn't the fun stuff, which is why I'll never do ketamine. It was bombs and radiation. Argument, ketamine is very fun. It is fun. We have a special government project. We want you to test DMT on these apes. Report back to us immediately.

What was the weirdest thing that happened when you were playing with the baboons? I think it's just more that they were passed out. I think that's what brought me to psychedelics was working with primates, because there was some weird telepathy shit happening, and it just had me going on. You and I have that in common.

You've been working with baboons, and I've been working with baffoons. Yeah, I got to eat mushrooms and swim at dolphins, and I swear that you could almost talk to them. I've never heard you talk about this before. Tell me more about this. Sure, it's on Netflix. He's lying.

No, it's not. Do you have a Netflix special? No, but somebody else does. He does for me. I don't have to do it now. The two jokes are completely different. I don't know why you have to say that. It's just funny now.

All right, and I don't know if that guy even has a Netflix special. I don't have to pry not there anymore. I don't know. Do you know Jack the Ripper? Yeah, I still have. OK. Wow.

Jack checks us every day. What's up? Yeah. My goodness gracious. So any other fun facts we should know about you before we let you go? I'm an astrologer. Whoa, really?

Can you give one of us our future or something? Are you a Gemini? Yeah, I am a Gemini. How'd you know that? I just know shit. Oh my god. What am I? No, it doesn't matter.

Hold on. Go ahead. Read my fortune. What's going to happen? Is this what astrologists do? Am I right? Well, we use charts. But I can tell you.

Give me something good. Give me a good thing. Red Bandit is shot. Joel, shut the fuck up. The North Node of Fate is moving through your sign starting on May 5th of this year. Something called the North Node of Fate. Is that a good thing?

For you, it's good. You're going to carry people through with your voice. So as long as you help the community. That makes sense. That makes sense. I've been doing that for seven and a half years. So that makes complete sense. I've been carrying a lot of people through.

That's like a fortune cookie that you open up. And it's like, there will be a tomorrow after today. That's stupid. Come on. I'm not talking about when you get that in your life. This isn't a real fortune. I just made $40, $40, $40, $40, $40. How do you know about fortune cookies, Jack, the Ripper?

I'm frequent flattage attorneys, rituals. Christy Belich, so much fun. Come back, sign up again. Get on again. Let's hear more. Christy Belich, everybody. There you go. All right.

We had five people sign up. I said we were going to get through four, but we're going to get this fifth one up here real quick. For a real quick one and a real quick interview, here comes Nick Reese, everybody. Nick Reese. You got one more mic, right, Zach? There you go.

All right. Hey, here he is, Nick Reese. So I feel like 2020 has kind of been pretty rough for everybody. Had a lot of plans kind of rescheduled. I know I'm being selfish, not the only one. I mean, Kyle Rittenhouse had a whole shooting planned for that school. And to get thwarted by Zoom meetings at the last minute,

I can't imagine the devastation that guy was going through. Just terrible. But 2020, this whole quarantine was pretty crazy. I've been watching just a lot of Netflix and random stuff. My lady has been making me watch a bunch of anime for the first time. And I've come to realize anime is just basically Mexican soap operas in cartoon form.

And I kind of think 2020 is going to be for time travelers, kind of like what the 13th floor of a hotel is for like architects. It's just going to like the no fly zone. It's going to be interesting just to kind of look back on it all, but that's my minute. Yeah. All right.

Nick Reese is here on this show. He had a 25 milligram Delta 8 gummy from the incredible gummies over at Galaxy Groves. How do you feel right now? It's been about an hour since you ate it, hour and a half. I've been stoned since I was like 14. Really? OK.

You want to eat two more? Send it. All right. Here we go. Wow. You can still catch. This is very incredible. That proves he's been stoned since 14.

Oh, he's got five in his hand. Just do it, dude. OK. Here you go. Oh, he drops one on the ground. Did he drop them on the ground the first time you gave it to him? Yeah, he did. He likes dropping them on the ground beforehand.

He likes it's like it ferments the THC a bit. OK. How do you think this is going to go? You just ate, I believe, what was that, six of them? Four of them? OK, so that's another 100 milligrams of THC. How are you getting back to your cave tonight? The stoners in the corner are laughing right now.

Gino is the head connoisseur. Gino, what do you think's going to happen to him in the next hour? How are you getting home? I have a DD. I have a DD. I'm flying. You have a designated driver. He has a Dungeons and Dragons tattoo.

He has a dirty dick, this guy. He's talking to scum size. Hello, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Weird Al is killing me. Nick, so what's been going on in your life? What's been happening since the last time you were on? Been committing to kill Tony, man. What do you mean?

Got to do just talk right into the tip of that microphone. Commit to kill Tony. I kind of made it a goal for myself that I was going to be present here as many of these as I could. Oh, a way to go. Being present, you ate 125 milligrams of THC. Oh my god. The only person to ever say I want to be present here at Kill

Tony is the only person we've ever, for some reason, purposefully inebriated. This is fun. Looking fresh again, you always have the nice clothes. You were just on. The last episode you were on, you were also on with our friend, the dates' cousin, right? Yeah.

Trey Peacock and you guys eclipsing over another episode. This is some form of destiny. Do you live anywhere near the Modesto area? No, I live more like Temecula, San Diego. Oh, that's pretty close. Oh, San Diego. Well, like you live south. Inland Empire, yeah, like Temecula.

Those are three completely different places that you just named. Temecula, San Diego, right by each other. The Inland Empire is not near either of those. You know, I live like in the Temecula, North Carolina area. I live in San Jacinto. Yeah, no one really knows where that's at. I did a Scientology film out there once.

Did you? Yep. What was it called? I mean, they didn't tell me the Scientologist. You were really in it? Yeah, I was a background extra in the Scientology film in San Jacinto. I literally forgot the name of the city

until you just said it right then, right then. What year was this? 2011. Wow. I gotta find this. Did they pay you? Yep. And I believe early to come here to the Comedy Store

because it was a Monday night and the shoot was running late. And I said, I got to go. And they said, you shouldn't go. And I said, I need to go. Oh, the Scientologists are not happy when you leave early. Yeah. And they made homemade pizzas, food that was all prepared in the kitchen there.

And they didn't have anything from outside of the facility. And they were guards with guns that drove me to the set and out. Guns? Wow. The guards with the guns thing is real. I had an uncle that worked in there. And he said that there was guards with oozeies patrolling

the fucking grounds. It's a huge compound facility. And they've got guards on every single, like straight out of a movie. What did you do for the video? I was like somebody who was in the 50s, it was listening to their leader give a speech. Wow.

So they put a bouffant on my hair. And they wanted to cut my hair. And this is when I had longer hair than Tom, even longer than this. And they put it to the side, you know what I mean? And you were weird about them cutting your hair back in the day. That was like your treasure.

Absolutely. You said no way. Have you seen the movie, Samson, from the Bible? No. But they cut his hair and they lost all their strength. All right. Then he had to grow back and then he had two pillars. That's good enough.

He got you, Jack. He got. And then he had to put it in the head and he said, oh, thank you. There you go. Out of control he is. All right. And applause break. So Nick, what else has been happening in your life other

than committing to kill Tony? Tell us something about your personal life down in San Jacinto. Your air conditioner broke recently. Am I correct? Yeah, super did. It really did? When did that happen?

Like a week and a half ago. And you're a Capricorn. Am I correct? No. Oh, OK. Well, there you go. There goes all. And you're one of the apes she gave ketamine to, correct?

Yes. You consider yourself more of a baboon or a macaque? Definitely a baboon. What? Definitely a baboon. The first guy that went up, he was macaque. So how about your sex life? What's going on over there?

You seem like the kind of guy that masturbates into your own belly button to start the day. You seem engaged. Wait, what, Red Band? He seems engaged. Yeah, I'm engaged. Like, just kind of going through it right now. She's mad at me right now because I've been coming here

every Monday and I told her I'm not sorry. I want you to be with me on Mondays. Yeah, well, what else do you do? How dare you leave the sweet, sweet confines of San Jacinto? We have a shitload of animals and stuff. What do you mean by a shitload of animals? Be more specific. Four dogs, three snakes, a lizard, and two cats.

What the fuck is going on over there? It sounds like a stable couple. It's a fucking zoo. Why do you have so many animals? Is it her fault? She likes to acquire them and I don't. How do you end up with three snakes? Are they all in separate tanks?

Yeah, they're all in separate tanks. What the fuck, dude? You have like a huge house? Like, how do you have that many? I mean, we have a roommate and we have a four bedroom, so we have plenty of space. Do you have all the animals in one room? No.

Oh, we let the dogs run around. No, no, well, the dogs are fucking free room. Right. The snakes. You have cats? Yeah. How many cats? Two cats.

Any of the cats ever get near the snake tanks? One of them does. She paws at the tank instead? No, she literally lays at the snake. Lays on top of this one tank and the one snake that she chooses to fucking lay on top of is the only snake that could fucking eat her in like a fort. You ever put, you ever take any of the snakes

for a walk on a rope or anything like that? You ever put a snake on a rope? Not on a rope. Have you ever heard of anyone doing such a thing? No, it sounds like you're going to show me. If you've done anything sexual with a snake, I always wonder if girls try to put that shit in their pussy. I would never.

I mean, if that was going there, I'm not going there after it. All right, this was meant to be a quick interview. This was a lot of fun. We're going to talk more about these animals next time you're on there. There goes Nick Rees, everybody. Nick Rees.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you're crazy. Do you hear? Yeah. All right, the microphone is switched. It has been lowered to half staff. That can only mean one thing, everybody. This show is about to go to a whole other level

as I bring up the golden boy, the icon, the Chicago rattlesnake, the Illinois boy toy, the Wyoming ding-a-ling, the electric goat. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite human beings on the planet, master comedian and improviser, the great Michael Larrer. Woo! You see me rolling.

Oh, shit. Seems chaotic. Here he is, Michael Larrer. Hello. I'm token disabled comedian Michael Larrer. I wanted to take a week off of talking so I could get wicked-crunked and try new street drugs. So instead of my minute interview,

myself, William Montgomery and Jack the Ripper as the narrator will perform an adaptation of The Miracle Worker, the story of OG original cripple, Helen Keller. Now, the curtain rises. Across the pond from old London town, in a year of the 1800s there was a town in Alabama named Robertuson, where a blind deaf mute named Ellen Keller terrorized her family.

I'll kill her. Motherfucking mother-you. Helpless, Keller's family called for child crisis manager, Annie Sullivan. Hi, I'm Annie Sullivan, and I'm here to make Helen Keller chill the fuck out. Fuck you. What did you say to me, you little bitch?

Annie continued to tear eyes on family, blowing blunt smoke in baby faces, putting empty sunny decontainers back in the fridge. Annie wasn't about to get punked by a little blind kid, so she had an idea. The Keller family spoils Helen Keller. You let her eat mashed potatoes with her hands, drink as many Capri's sons as she wants.

She needs discipline. I'm taking her to the Kmart parking lot and we're not going back until we're flipping Hyundai Elantra's. Annie was determined to make Helen strong, not just with anabolic steroids, but with resolve. She also began to teach Ellen to say the alphabet using her fingers.

Spell it with your fingers, PBR. Now crawl to the fridge, you bratty fuck, and give me a tall boy. Thank you. What'd you just fucking say? Whoa, whoa, he's got a gun. Hit me again. Hit me again.

I'm sorry, Helena. I grew up in an insane asylum surrounded by mutants like you. We played with rats because we didn't have toys. That's why I want to help you, you ungrateful fuck. I'll make you strong, strong enough to flip Hyundai Elantra's. While I drive the Ripper, kill homeless people on London, never to be caught. Annie persevered to make Ellen shit the fuck out of that rite.

That's it. It's ALS. Good job, Helen, but you're never going to have to need to know those letters. My god. That's it. I warned you. Here comes the taser.

Oh, my god. There's a mouse in there. While Interpol blindly chased me through the canals of London Town in Robert Dawson, Alabama, Annie Sullivan, taught Helen to recognize objects by touch. Feel that, Michael. Feel it. It's TITS tits.

But is that a script? By Helen learned far more than to recognize tits. Where's your water bottle? William, you're blocking the light on Helen. We can't see. This is called water. That's called water. Once Helen recognized water, the sky was a limit.

She started naming everything she touched. Cock balls. No, that was actually Michael's line. I actually saw Michael's penis last week. That's not a part of the script. Annie did a triple-A job of fixing Ellen, but knew also it was time to leave the callus. Man, it's so bittersweet helping rich white people.

All of you killers are so awful, but you pay so good. I've fixed your little bitch, Helen Keller, that deaf, dumb, and blind kid. She sure plays a mean pinball. So I must go. I'll miss your comfortable home and comfortable by slaves. But that is no matter until 2020. I fixed that little bitch, Helen Keller.

So she shouldn't be an asshole anymore. Annie Sullivan then left the callus. To where? Who knows? Annie, half blind. I think we all learned a valuable lesson. The miracle worker is sadistic as fuck. Annie Sullivan will be in jail today.

Also, the callus were wealthy slave owners. Old-ass plays suck in so many ways, but the miracle worker, you truly are the worst. But don't take it from me. I've killed an unknown amount of people 150 years ago and was never caught. Thank you for supporting Live Theater. I'm Jack the River.

Wow, very impressive. Very impressive. I love your earrings. There you go. Hand the microphone back to Helen Keller there. You can tell it's Helen Keller because she's wearing a face shield with the words Helen Keller above it.

Can we, there we go. Here comes a nice, fresh, uninfected microphone for her. I hope that's just his regular face shield too. Michael Laird. That he rolls down the street with. That is incredible, Michael. Another. That was so fun.

Wow, look at that hair. Another stellar performance. Zach, can you zoom in on this champion of champions? The great Michael Laird. Very fun. And what a wonderful afternoon. For really so much fun, so many laughs. That was, since Corona, the most laughs from,

I mean, there's like six people here. Yeah. And it felt like a big room. It did. So Bravo, you motherfuckers. I absolutely agree. And no better way to end a great episode than with the chairman of the board himself,

the great Michael Laird. MichaelLairdComedy.com. Michael Laird Comedy on all social media sites. Anything else you're promoting this week, Michael? That's a new merch. Oh, you fell. Yeah, look at my bro. Oh, I know what you're doing.

This is a big promo for the fall collection of merch. My right hand doesn't work anymore. Okay. This is getting real sad, real quick. Pray for me. Oh, yes. Prayers are going to work. Everyone knows it's the one cure against ALS prayers,

everybody. Thank you to the great Michael Laird. Again, MichaelLairdComedy.com. Here comes the drawing from Ryan G. E. Belt, right about here. That's what he did. Look at that. Everybody's in it.

Jack the Ripper, Eileen Wernos, Richard Ramirez. There's a dead people on the ground. A bunch of dead people. David Lucas and William Montgomery, Michael Laird, I do all believe are murdered. I'm in the middle holding it down. You got Red Band and Alex Hooper.

Alex Hooper was with us tonight. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for having me, guys. Alex Hooper is on social media at Hooper Hairpuff. What else, Alex? You're always doing a bunch of shows. What do you got coming up? Go to HooperComedy.com, everybody.

I'll be back on the road very soon and lots of stuff happening right now on my website. So go get it. Go to his website. Check out what he did on AGT. The guy has real balls, went out there and was absolutely ruthless to those network normies over there, host in AGT.

Gave him some pure evil fun times. Always a pleasure to hang out with you. The great Alex Hooper. Again, that's Hooper Hairpuff on social media. Believe it or not, people, Jack the Ripper was actually Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah, tell us about your podcast. My podcast, Jeremiah Wanda's recent episode

has got some great Dr. Phil episodes with Adam Ray on there, Yonah's Poppers from History Highness, Sam Roberts from the Jim and Sam show and my Venmo's at Jeremiah-Walkins. And if you like breakfast shows, Eating Breakfast with Jeremiah is on my YouTube. And a new merch store, Jeremiah-Walkins.com

with a t-shirt that says, I'm Jack the Ripper. There you go. Jesse Jetski Johnson, I do believe, is Eileen Wernos tonight. She's everywhere, Jetski Johnson, including JetskiJohnson.com where you can get one of the brand new anytime ornaments.

If you're into Christmas, it would work perfectly as a Christmas ornament. I saw them, they were adorable. They are amazing. I already made a reservation for three of them. I'm gonna hang them in different rooms all around my place. And I'm really excited.

They are adorable. She hand makes everything. You have your choice of a strong plastic or a glass, and she makes special Jetski anytime ornaments. Am I right? Yeah, that was, like, can I record that for my website? What else, Jetski? Mitch Burrell and I has been on the show a lot.

We have a podcast that records here at the store. Tony's been on it. Red Band was on it. It's through the Looking Glass on the Comedy Store YouTube page. That's right. The great Chroma Chris right there. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode?

Oh, it was a bloody good one, Tony. Hey, you could follow me at Chroma Chris or you could follow my cult. That's right. The Farm Ranch. I love it. And absolutely positively right here, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody.

Come on, it is Joel Berg. Joel's got a podcast, Mostly Sorry, which is also what he is on social media at Mostly Sorry. What else is going on, Joel? Hail Satan. All right. I have a Patreon. It's patreon.com slash hinchcliff.

We go over everything roasting that I and a lot of the people in roast history have ever done. I gotta have you on that sometime, Alex. A lot of fun interviews coming up, including the man that's written for every single televised roast that's ever happened, the legend Mike Ferrucci. Fun things happening, a bunch of new merch up,

TonyHinchCliff.com. The remaining of this summer's Kill Tony shirts are available at desksquad.tv. Yeah, there's only a few left in. So get those before the new one comes out. Also, we just launched the Brothers and Curse of Patreon. You go to patreon.com, Brothers Podcast.

So check that out. We were doing like little mini shows inside of it. So if you like the show, you're gonna love these little mini shows that we're doing. That's great. Remember to support our sponsors, and that supports us, all of us. And we appreciate you guys.

Thank you so much. **Music**