KILL TONY - #476 - CORT MCCOWN

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

 Cort McCown, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 10/12/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:PLUSH CARE – Start your FREE 30-day trial! Got to PLUSHCARE.COM/TONY to receive a free 30-day trial!—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ryan Bain, coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony HinchCliff. I'm right here. I'm just sitting next to you the whole gosh darn time. It's still a pandemic, so I sit next to you during the start of the show. It's good to be here. How are you, Brian? I'm good. We're here again, the world's famous comedy store. Another episode of Kill Tony on the

Sunset Strip. Hey, look, everybody. It's the great Ryan J. Ebelt right there drawing tonight's episode. There's the classic, the turn, the wave, and the point from Ryan J. Ebelt. He draws every single episode of the show. All those prints are available at RyanJEbelt.com, every poster, every episode. He's been doing auctions over there. Go check it out. A lot of fun stuff happening. A couple new, very limited edition Kill Tony shirts he just released, and other fun stuff as well. And yeah, very exciting. We're all stuffed up on Vito's Pizza, my favorite pizza place, and really one of my favorite Italian restaurants in all of the city that I love the most, Los Angeles, California. It's kind of ruined the pizza that I usually get

now because I'll deliver it. I'm like, God damn, it sucks now compared to the Vito's Pizza. It's incredible. And I think I mentioned it last week, but I did it again since then. Every little like gathering I go to now where I know there's going to be like four or more people, I pre-order an entire party tray of ZD, and it comes with an entire tray of breadsticks, an entire tray of salad. Hot salad. And I show up care. Actually, it's cold salad. Brian, it's been a while since you had a salad. You may have forgotten. Oh yeah, that's right. It is cold. Yeah. Salad is not served hot red band. Got. And, but I'll just bring this entire, these entire trays of food to places, and people are like, what the fuck? And it makes people

so happy. People just eat ZD and breadsticks. I mean, the breadsticks alone would stop a party in its tracks or start one, if you will. But shout out to Charlie. And of course, last week, we were graced with the presence of the great grace from Vito's Pizza. I'm all jacked up on delicious caveman coffee. Use the promo code KILTONY, save 15%. We have amazing sponsors here. I actually eat Vito's. I actually drink caveman coffee. I actually love the comedy store. And here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that brought you tonight's episode. I know, it can be awkward or embarrassing to talk about a rectile dysfunction. Usually, we brush it off or blame ourselves, but Roman is here to get you the advice you want and the

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and I did it on my own. It was so easy to schedule. I was seeing a doctor online just a few minutes later to tell me that I had a slight little stomach bug that that's all that it was. And it really put my mind to ease and made me feel good. With PlushCare, I don't put off seeing a doctor. And neither should you. No more excuses. Make your appointment today. Go to plushcare.com slash Tony. That's P L U S H C A R E dot com slash Tony plushcare.com slash Tony. And we're back. What an exciting time to be here. We have the great Rick Cossick is here. Everybody make some noise for Rick. You guys can clap your hands. Rick takes pictures of the show sometimes. He's my neighbor. A little fun fact for you. And he filmed all the jackass movies, all the wild boys, all

the he's a skateboard legend, right? Photographer. Yes, a skateboard photography legend. Yes, I forgot that part. He's a great photographer, filmographer, cinematographer, filmologist, camera guy. Okay, the great look, the great geno's here. This is a real who's who of the Kill Tony family. Very exciting. The CEO of Speedweed. And never forget, he played a crucial role in Kill Tony's continuation over at Better Box Studios during some of the craziest times in the history of the world. And we are forever grateful for that. How about a hand for Gino, everybody? And you wouldn't believe it. You wouldn't believe it. But tonight is such a Kill Tony wild family night that for the first time ever in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen,

a graphic artist who I have been working with, it seems like forever, but I guess it's only been over a year. The great McVader is here for the first time ever, everyone. How exciting. All the way from beautiful Tennessee. We're happy to have you here. Welcome to the comedy store in an unbelievably amazing artist. All all internet graphics incredible. Anyway, so let's start the show. Shall we? We have a guest tonight. This is one of my really good friends. This is a guy who I've even gotten closer. Yeah, you've been playing a little golfy pool. Yeah. Yeah, he's been teaching me some stuff, getting my swing right. This guy is an unbelievable golfer, an unbelievable comedian, a guy who I've always looked up to here at the comedy store.

When I started here, he was already right there in the middle of lineups, killing it, a comedy store paid regular, famous for movies, TV shows, absolutely everything, but a true comedy store guy. One of my good friends. Everybody makes some noise for the great court McCown, everybody. Yeah. Not his first Kill Tony rodeo at all. He's been here a couple few times. I've judged roast battles with this guy. It's good to be here. Well, there we go. That it is good to be here now. There we go. We're headband. How are you buddy? Good to see you. It's good to be here. And you've been, we've been having fun. And since I became a golf addict during this pandemic, we've run into each other over at the range and you've straightened out my

swing. I'm helping your swing a little bit. How is he? How is he on this? He's actually not too bad. You know, I mean, it's like, Jesus, what a ringing endorsement. I mean, you just start the hardest sport in the world and everybody thinks that they can get two, three months in and they're going to be great. And it's just fucking, it takes years. Yeah, it takes years, but I did notice you got the Trump, the Trump sweatshirt on today. Well, the fans at home could not notice that from where the cameras are, but thank you for exposing that and our listenership just went down 50. Oh, thank you, Mr. President. I'm glad that I'm actually glad that you are listening to the show. I didn't realize you were, I had a microphone.

Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr. President. I got this, I got this playing at your course, by the way. It's, it is a beautiful course here in Palos Verdez and it's one of my favorite places to go. Thank you very much. That's really nice. Thank you. Thank you indeed. And if you get a chance, I would love it if you would just like put my name on a list so that I could play any time perhaps. What do you think about that? Wrong. Okay. All right. Let's just keep this fun train moving along court. I don't know if you remember this or not, but we have a band on this show. When I first started doing this, it was still upstairs and there was no band. So now I'm like, I feel like I'm really part of Kill Tony. I love it. Well, the band, every single episode commits

to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been in the back getting ready. It took a long time tonight. Let's see what they are. I hope it's worth it. They're the best band in the land. They are the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Jolbert Jolhamenez, Jetsky, Jesse Johnson and Chroma Chris. Oh my God. What in the world is happening? Wow. Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God. Look at this. Wow. My goodness gracious. They made Jetsky a freaking Christmas tree over here. Poor Jesse Johnson. What an interesting position you're in tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Santa Claus is here, everybody.

Clearly pregnant with septuplets. A very strange type of fat. Hello. How are you Santa? Have you been a good boy this year, Tony? You know me. I do. You haven't. Why? What have I done? Have you been watching me? Lots of coal, Tony. Lots of coal coming your way. All right. Well, luckily I am a big fan of the coal industry, so I'll be able to resell that. Okay, not Mr. President. Mr. Santa Claus. But Mr. President is here. You're a big fan of the coal industry as well, right, Mr. President? Right? Facially running for President of the United States. That's not what I asked you at all. We love coal, don't we? We don't have victory. That's not again. Again. This is like Trump doing his Biden impression.

Okay. Okay, thank you, Mr. President. Jesse Johnson's here. She's a Christmas tree. How are you Christmas tree? Great to be here standing tall. Oh, wow. You have the official Jet Ski Johnson ornaments on your tree. I love that. Oh, you saw those. Yeah, handmade by Jesse Johnson available at JetSkiJohnson.com. I bought two. Last week you bought three. Oh, that's right. I bought two more, I meant to say. That means that brings me to five total. That's another lump of coal. Mrs. Claus behave. Hello, Mrs. Claus, looking actually just like all of Joel's female characters, looking extremely beautiful for some reason. I'm hot as fuck. Wow, Mrs. Claus, what have you been, wow, are you pulling out your breasts? I might if you act nice. Oh, is that why? Wait, do you have

a lisp? She sucked on too many candy canes. That's right. Sometimes your tongue just gets stuck like this. How do you think we made this marriage work for so long? And it appears as though we here's as though we have one of the most frightening elves of all time here, everybody. Chroma Chris. Hey, everybody. Nice to be here. Hi. What's your name, Elf? My name's Elfonso. It's just Santa turned the North Pole into a meth lab. Look at this. This is wild, man. This is a fucking party. Jetski's a Christmas tree. We got the real Santa Claus. This is your first time on the show. Am I right, Santa Claus? It's true. It's so wild. Nothing better than a nothing better than a late September, early October appearance by Santa Claus. Well, it's

about to be my busy season, so I made some room in my schedule. Okay, that makes sense. You look great. You ready? So we have a special Christmas episode, Christmas with Court McCown. Everything's here. Everybody's here. So let's start the show, shall we? This is another episode of Kilton, we're still inside with a very, very extremely, basically no audience, just the close production team here at Kilton. But with a few predetermined signups trying to squeeze some new people in here that have been waiting a couple weeks or so to get in, and they're finally in the bucket. So let's start the show. You guys ready for this? Oh boy, that reminds me of back when we used to have 500 people in the room. You know what?

Let's not start the show with a bucket. Let's start the show with something special. This is one of our regulars, ladies and gentlemen, to get things started here tonight. This guy, one of the longest tenured regulars in the history of the show famously, was sent over 20-some pairs of shorts last week. Absolutely insane, and did a little runway strut for us, testing out some of the pairs of shorts. And he's back again, one of my favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, with 60 seconds uninterrupted. Here he is, William Montgomery. I wish they'd attach an iPad to a shake weight so we could form a tight-knit community.

I'm kind of jealous of Peloton, of people riding their bikes in their living room cheering each other on. Meanwhile, I'm in the basement with a shake weight looking like I'm training for the Dice Rolling Olympics. The best part about a shake weight is that you lose 12 pounds and one square inch of your body, and you have the fucking most ripped muscle inside of your right elbow. Meanwhile, the left elbow looks like Danny DeVito at a nudist resort. Whenever I pull down my underwear, my dick looks like Danny DeVito auditioning for taxi. But seriously, I don't know if y'all heard, but Casper the Friendly goes died a couple days ago. All right. Just hit the button, Redbin. Why don't you just say thank you? That's

my time or something? Thank you. That's my time. There you go. Hey, and the Christmas tree, the bee holiday. Yeah, Christmas music. Love it. You love Christmas, right, William? I do. I grew up Jewish actually, but I... You didn't grow up Jewish. That's the crazy part of what you just said. I know I was going to try to make up a story about how I grew up Jewish, but then we got into Christianity and got big into Christmas. That's right. Speaking of Christmas, you were given tens and tens of gifts last week as the shorts really started pouring in here at the Comedy Store. I was. I have some new ones on tonight. That is a beautiful new pair of shorts. Buttons zipped up. Everything is working. It's

operational. Do you have a belt on those? No? Oh, you do? Wow. Look at you, you class act. These are actually, for everybody wondering, I actually wear a size 38, not a 40. So all those 40s I threw away, but it was really sweet of y'all. You did not throw away 40s. It was really sweet of y'all. You should get those 40s back, buddy. You should get the 40s back. What does that mean? Well, it's a little, the belt's a little tight. They're hanging a little bit. Let's just say when you lifted your shirt, I thought game recognize game. So William, what did you have? Have you spoken to your family or your girlfriend about the new shorts? What are they saying? What's the report? They love it. Yeah. It's big. It's everybody loves

it. Your girl probably likes how your butt smells better now. Oh, Jesus, red band. Watch it, red band. Yeah, huh? You're going to end up with cold. I'm always watching. Wow. I bet you are. That's creepy when you say it like that. Christmas tree. You don't watch anything, do you? No, but he is really always watching. You guys hang out a lot. You hang out with Christmas tree a lot, Santa? Supposedly, but she gets a little freaked out when I try to get underneath her. Look out. What does Mrs. Claus think about that? I'm too busy dealing with the cameras in my bathroom. Oh, look like that Lisp really cleared up this. I'm glad that the candy can finally wore off. So William, we have really exciting news for you.

I don't think you're going to believe it. Is there anything else crazy that happened this week? I actually saw a movie for the first time in many years on Netflix yesterday. I don't know if y'all remember Coneheads. I highly recommend it. It's a perfect movie. How about what happened with Danny DeVito this week? You noticed Danny DeVito in something? I did. That's where the Danny DeVito stuff came out. What's that? This is yet another pair of shorts, believe it or not. What size are they? Wait, you're going to have to find out. We're going to find out right now. Perfect. I do need some more. Those are a nice color too. They remind me of your old shorts. I like these. What size are they? Do you see there? I can't tell. Oh my goodness. You know what? You got new

shirts too. New shirts. Yeah. New shirts. What do these say? I don't know. Read it. Open it up. What does this say? What does it say? I don't even get it. Oh, this is where we find out William doesn't know how to read. Size 38. Volcom. That's a good brand. Perfect. Volcom's nice. Love it. It's a Christmas giveaway. I should give these to Santa Claus to give to you. Did I know proof again that we had no idea ever what the band's going to be? You want to open that up and give it to them? Please. Thank you. What are the odds that Santa Claus is here on a special gift giving day of Kill Tony? How many boxes do you have? How many more shorts do I have? This one's exciting. It's postmarked to Billy Montgomery. Billy Montgomery. Hold on. We got two

pairs in that one. Kill Tony is now an unboxing show. Wow. Another pair of shorts. Thank you so much. And Alan Carr's quit drinking. Perfect. Quit drinking without willpower. Two things. Without willpower. How does that work? Santa, check this out. How does that work? And a giant bag of candy. Oh, God. Oh, perfect. Look at that. Instead of drinking, you can eat a bunch of candy. Oh, and you also got a letter here. Could be money. Oh, let's see. Could be money. Could be anthrax. Nobody really knows. Read it real hard when you open that. Yeah. Santa is opening the letter. I want to see if there's cash in there. That's all I really care about.

Perhaps a check, a cashier's check. A love letter. What is it? Is there a check, a gift certificate, a bumper sticker? Find out how not to receive the mark of the beast. Wow. Religious shit. It is a letter from a crazy person. There may or may not be enough room for this on Red Band's podcast studio cable. It's for Red Band. Oh, there you go. It's for Red Band. Postmarked out William Montgomery. Oh, thank you. Took a shortcut there. So, William, you got a few new pairs of shorts, some new clothes. What do you think? Can we squeeze in a little, a little another runway session today? Yeah, you want to? Yeah, let's do it. Go back stage and we'll call you out in a bit. There goes William Montgomery. Here we go. We're going to do

it again. Happy holiday. Yeah. Rocking around the Christmas tree. It's another episode of Kill Tony. Okay. This should be fun. This guy made his debut on the show just a couple months ago, was back a month ago, and now he's back again. He started on the show. I believe he's only done this show. He lives up in near Modesto. So, he's real white trash. Always has a real interesting story for us. Last time he told us that he was strapped and he pulled a strap out of his pants. Let's see what happens this week. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Trey Peacock. Here he is. Hey, everybody. Love it. You're nice. Santa bait. Oh, Trey Peacock. I love Mexican food and taco trucks. Taco trucks sell the best coke. That's a fact. But when I say that, there are two different

thought processes you could have and you're right. You might be the kind of person that hears that and thinks about enjoying a nice cold bottle of Coca-Cola or you could be the kind of person that hears that and thinks about staying up for three days straight jacking off and staring out windows. Either way, you want the good shit, you got to get it from a Mexican. You know, you got to love those taco trucks. They say you are what you eat and I actually am Mexican, but I guess lately I've been eating too much white bread. I'm a lot like a slice of bread. I get a really jumpy around toasters, but it's not that I'm actually afraid of toasters. It's just whenever I'm around them, I think I'm going to have a stroke and not like the good kind on my dick,

like the bad kind. Thanks. I'm Trey Peacock. There you go. Hi, Trey. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. I have a lot of questions about that set. Is that good? Look, let me tell you something that I've learned in 36 years on this planet. Never trying cocaine once is that people that do do cocaine don't ever invite me to anything. I don't ever see them doing it. I don't even know they do it. My other friends are always like, oh, you didn't know that your buddy's like a real big cokehead. I'm like, what? I just thought he had a great sense of humor like me until five or six AM. I thought people were just wired that way, but so I don't know anything about cocaine is my point. My question is this, is that true that

taco trucks sell the best coke? Well, the joke was Coca Cola, but yeah, that's the premise. Well, being someone that's done a lot of cocaine, I will say that Mexicans sell the worst cocaine on the planet. That's true. Take that, Mexicans. What's the, what race has the best cocaine? The Asians. I'm going to guess white people. White people. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. I just never got any good coke from Mexico. That's just all I got. It's got real cane sugar in it. Gasoline smell. You know what I'm talking about, Trey? Oh, yeah. The fertilizer smell. Now, Trey, you do a lot of cocaine, correct? Yes, sir. Hell yeah, you do. When's the last time you did some cocaine? About 20 minutes ago.

Are you serious? You are the laziest looking cokehead I've ever seen. I bounce now. You look like you just did a bomb riff. That is so interesting that you did it 20 minutes ago. Now, that's wild to me. Does it even affect you anymore? Do you have to do cocaine just to get up to base level, would you say? Yeah, my parents gave me Adderall when I was a kid. So, yep, I'm fucked up. How much do you do at like typical day? Like are you going through just like a bump or two? Or are you going through like a whole bag? No, eight ball last like maybe a week. A week? How much is an eight ball? Pussy. Pussy. Not a lot. I do an eight ball in a night. What are you talking about? Eight hours, right? It's called portion control. Heard of it, Red Bam?

Like you've ever done that. What other drugs do you do regularly? A little bit of meth, right? Just a touch? Just a little bit. So, what are we talking about with meth? How often do you do that? That's what I'm calling it. What? I use that to stay up when I'm working. Okay. How often do you work? Every day I'm not out here. Okay. So now, what do you do to come down? Weed. Wow. Have you ever tried heroin? Nope, not yet. Is that a new life? Well, be a good boy and maybe. You have friends that do heroin? I know some people, not really friends, but enemies. Do you ever do any pain pills of any kind? Nah. That's probably a good thing. You have a highly addictive personality? Yes, sir. Do you smoke cigarettes? Yes, I do. How many cigarettes do you smoke a day?

Pack. Packs. That's 20 cigarettes a day. Something like that. That's fun. I respect that. Thank you. It was a heavy smoker myself. Now, I just use this vape pen and I also go to lucy.co and use their amazing nicotine gum. Absolutely incredible. That wasn't a joke. I don't know why you did a rim shot there. It was like a stinger for the promo that you used. Oh, thank you. So, what else? What else have you tried? Have you ever done anything like any unorthodox drugs like huff paint or anything like that? Eat something weird? Keyboard cleaner. No, sometimes when I'm working, I use acetone. So, sometimes I'll be using acetone all day and breathing that in. That'll fuck you up. Yeah, acetone. Yeah, it gives you cancer. Oh, wow. What does that make you feel like?

Just lightheaded. Do you have any, do you think you have any signs of cancer setting on? Do you have any, do you have like a lumpy back or something? Fuck if I know. My back cracks when I breathe in sometimes. Oh, kiddokey. Wow. Well, COVID's not going to be your biggest problem we can see. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of things I only think of in my nightmares. Your back cracks when you breathe in. That's your cue. Has Dr. Coo visited you recently, Tony? No, but I have gotten a lot of feedback since that episode aired from people that analyze dreams and whatnot. And it seems to, it appears as though people have told me that they're saying that I believe that doctors aren't saying all that they know, perhaps it's wrapped around the current coronavirus or things like that,

that my beliefs are that the doctors aren't saying everything, that their jaws are wired shut and it's pouring out of them. Like we are only getting pieces of the information. That's a couple of little things that I read the other day from someone that sent me something, but interesting stuff. Trey, what else have, what else have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Something funny happened to me today when I was working. I had to go to Home Depot and get some parts. I was getting some pipe fittings and I went to the self checkout. I know what that's like. Go ahead. Yeah. Self checkout. And one of the fittings wasn't, wasn't coming up. So a lady had to come over and she was beautiful. I was like, oh, this is a beautiful girl. And so she's helping

me. The one fitting that didn't come up, it's called a nipple. So she's there. So she's there looking through all the nipples, asking me which one and it's not there. There's long nipples, short nipples. And so it was kind of awkward and we finally got it. And I went, I just thought that was kind of funny. She was all blushing. Like she didn't know what it was either. Trey, be honest, did you get a boner? Yes, I did. Wow. Look at that. Got a boner. I'll let it slide. Oh my goodness. In our house, we call that a you'll log. Oh, wow. You have a little country accent now, Mrs. Clark. That's right. I'm all over the place. I got to live for an accent. Sometimes I talk like this. Oh my goodness. Let's just say she's traveled with me all over the world and can't pick a voice

or a region. Wow. North Pole, South Pole, your bipolar. As long as it's a pole, I'm all right with it. Mrs. Claus. Bloody Mrs. Claus. This is a great character. My goodness. What did I say about the gag reflex, Mrs. Claus? I'm sorry. I'm only human. Oh, wow. Trey, is it true that that what happened after the episode last time you were on when you had the strap on you? Yeah, I was driving home and got another speeding ticket. My goodness. And the wild part of that that you told me is what that you had? I didn't have the strap, or I did still have the strap on me, but I didn't get caught. I had tree. They took my tree and you had a tree? Christmas tree? You had a tree in your car? Yep. What do you think about that

Christmas tree? It drives with trees in his car. Like you guys just go places together? Yep. That sounds really nice. So you had marijuana in your car? Yes, I did. And the cop never found out, right? No, he did. He was like, you got weed in here. Like after he was already riding me up for speeding, he came back and he's like, all right, you got tree. And I was like, yeah. So he's like, all right, well, give it to me. So I got it, gave it to him. I was like, it's under announced though. So I'm good. I know that. So he goes back and weighs it and comes back and he gave it back to me. So I was like, sweet. Did you have any cocaine in your car at the time? No, I didn't. Now, where was that in your asshole? Something like that. You have a big hat. Thank you. Your ears

are underneath your hat. I have a small head. You look like a Hey Arnold character. Thank you. How small is your head? Really small. Let's see it. Can we see how small your head is? Whoa, look at that tiny head. Look at that. That is a really, does everyone in your family have tiny heads? No, it's just me. I was a preemie. That's why. Oh, it was. Your mom has some, probably has some wild habits, right? What is what? You're a premature ejaculated. That doesn't tell us much about it. All right. Yeah. So tell us about the things that your mom's into. Well, my mom's actually pretty, pretty straight as she's a Christian, but she was an alcoholic for a long time. But when she was pregnant with you, probably, I don't know. Oh, okay. Now,

that small head thing makes sense. Yeah. Exactly. All right, Trey. Well, it's always fun. Well, you're from Modesto? Yes, sir. Have you ever been up to Modesto Court? I have been to Modesto. Scary place. Very, very scary place. He looks like he's from molesto. Whoa, Santa just dropped a bomb on you, dude. You look like you've been molested, bro. Is the Modesto the one with the casino that has a, has a mic up there that Sam Tripoli used to run? I don't know. The double tree? To Mercula, maybe. Two trains. I don't know. Modesto's where like the whole, like the whole things came down in like 2000 where the whole crashed or the land, all the fucking real estate crash started. Modesto and Fresno and it's real, real high end property up there, right, sir? Oh,

yeah. If you could be the, if you were the head of tourism for Modesto, look directly, General Bogus, can you get behind that camera for a second? And I want you to zoom in on his tiny head a little bit. And I want you to give a pitch straight to camera on why these people should visit beautiful Modesto, California, straight to that camera. You're the new head of tourism. Introduce yourself. Say, I'm Trey Peacock, head of tourism. And here's why you should visit Modesto and then ramble about it. Go now. Go. I'm head tours, Trey Peacock. And we're here to talk about Modesto. Y'all should go see Ninth Street. That's where all the crack hookers are, but stay off faith because that's where the cops run down and stay off of 12th

because that's where all the gangs run in. No, you told them where to avoid. Look at camera and tell them all the great things about Modesto. Go ahead. There's a movie theater. There's taco trucks. There's a lot of coke. You could get weed from any of the clubs out there. You could get it on the street. That's Ninth Street too. Come visit Modesto anytime you want. You're welcome here. What was that final line? Come visit Modesto and we tell you how you welcome here. What was that? I don't know what I said. I was ramble. That was beautiful. And that is that is perfect. That is everything great about Modesto. So if you're into any of those things, stay off of Ninth Street, avoid 8th Street. The cops are running on 12th Street. We got great coke,

great taco trucks. You come here. We know you welcome. All right, Trey. Well, fun times. Thank you. Congratulations. This is your third time ever doing stand up. Yes, it is. There you go. It's Trey Peacock everybody. Appreciate it. There he goes. Trey Peacock chasing his dreams. Taking a break from the cocaine and the map to grace us with his presence here on Kill Tony. A young Trey, how old are you? 21 years old already addicted to meth and cocaine. How about another hand for Trey, everybody? These are just some of the wild characters here. Have you ever been offered coke? Like, have you been around it before? I mean, yeah, I've been in sort of around it. I've definitely been offered it. And people are always like really surprised that I don't do it.

It seems like you lit it. I think it's because I'm like skinny and I'm always up late night. And you're a writer. A lot of writers take it. You'd probably like it too much. Yeah, probably. Probably. I enjoy it. And another thing is people are always like, no, it's great for when you get drunk. It brings you back. And I'm like, but that's what I get drunk for. I get drunk to get drunk. That's the feeling that feels good. So I want to stay there. But you've done a lot, right? Court, that's like a part of your legacy back in the day. You were like, you know, I experienced quite a bit of cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. You were you were you were a movie star in the 80s. Yeah. But yeah, I was very but I started doing it in the 70s. Oh, wow.

So I was like, I was hipster over here. Yeah. Yeah, it was. But it was it was really expensive back then. Like it was extremely expensive, but it was really good. Now it's like Modesto. It's like cut with shit. It's not as good. It's don't get him started on the Mexicans. No, no. All right, Santa. The Jews. The Jews that rained it. No, I miss his claws with younger. She's still cocaine from a friend and then help them look for it. Yeah. How did that end? Turns out they lost it in the snow. Man, I'm telling you, I sure do got big balls. And sometimes when I'm shaving, I'm a little nickel happen and I'll bleed all over the place like a God darn stuck pig ball sack. The manscaped engineering team has spent 18 months perfecting the greatest ball hair trimmer ever created and

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to swing by to come back and perform. She wanted to perform then. She's performing now. The name is Caroline. George's everyone. Here we go. First time on kill Tony. Here we go. Two towns. Caroline. George's. I'm a stripper. No, it's great being a stripper, but I do have to live with the stigma. I get slut shames for being a stripper, which is wrong because I'm a slut, so don't get paid. I'm a whore, so I get it right, you know, if you're going to shame me for anything. I'm not, I'm just kidding. I'm not really a whore. I don't really like labels. But I, yeah, so anyways, but people do ask a lot of friends will ask me, like, you know, do you do anything in the VIP? Like, do you do extra in the VIP? And I always just tell them,

like, no, I don't do extra in the VIP. I'm a Christian, you know? So, but as far as like slut shaming goes, like, the logic of it is just really beyond me. Like, what did I do that's like so wrong by fucking guys? Like, did I fuck you? Like, did I suck your dick and make you come? Like, what's like about slut shaming that I'm the bad guy, you know, in this situation that I'm being shamed? That's my time. Sorry. Caroline, Georgia. All right. Wow. There's a lot in there. Coming down Caroline, Georgia's first time on Kiltoni. How long you've been to stand up for? Three years, three years, all of it here in LA. Yeah, how long have you been a stripper for? Since I was 18. Since you were 18. Wow. How old are you now? It's been about 10

years. Wow. That's so cool. We're right. We're right. All over LA, like the body shop I used to run into comedians all the time at the body shop when I worked there in college and stuff. And, you know, they're like kind of a deja vu, you know, like, but then also like some of the smaller clubs and stuff like did like one day experiment rhino and got out of there really fast and no shame in your game. You're a proud stripper. What's the most amount of money you've made in one night of stripping? Six grand. Wow. Wow. What did you get? Santa just got real interested right right. Looks like somebody needs to tell me what you'd want for Christmas this year. Wow. Wow. We have another one. It appears as though we have another fan of cocaine here on

Kiltoni. How long have you been doing drugs for? Oh, I mean, I don't really, honestly, it gets, it's kind of old hat doing drugs if you're a stripper, you know what I mean? You get kind of, it honestly like kind of, because clients want you to do it with them sometimes and stuff. And so it's like, you kind of have to like learn the tricks of how to talk your way out of it and stuff, but at the same time, like, you know, it's yeah. Any cool stories like a famous celebrity that came in there? Oh, here we go. Go ahead. Name names, name names. No, no. I mean, sometimes family men will come in and you'll be like surprised. Like, oh, that guy, like, you know, that celebrity, like that actor and he's like, like, you know, has like a wife and his name is no. He's on a

really popular HBO show. He starred in a really popular HBO show. And what was the show about? The Sopranos. No, I can't say. I cannot say. I want to protect their idea. No, I know. I don't want to. I don't want to throw anybody under the. No, but like Republicans come into like, there's like a couple like the Republicans, like strippers, like Republican pundits, a couple of those politicians. Yeah, right. Of course. Yes. That means we're comedians that wear politicians pullovers. Right. Any good comedy stories like comics that came in that you could definitely tell. Talk about that's how it works. Republicans go to strip clubs and Democratic politicians go to pizza places that have file filled basements. Goddamn reptiles. But

famous comedians, anybody like that? No, I mean, I mean, I don't want to say. Again, that makes sense. I don't want to do that to anybody. Now, so you've been stripping for 10 years. Is there an end goal for you? Like, what do you look? What do you what's your what are you saving money for? I just kind of I came to LA because I kind of wanted to have an exciting life and stuff. Where'd you come from? I come from Alaska. Wow. Yeah. My goodness. They don't even have strip clubs in Alaska. Do they? Oh, yes, they do. Oh, they do. They got a great business. Big business. Wow. Now where I'm from. I work at Alaska. It's got an ASS in it. You didn't get. Good one. Mrs. Claus. Really? Mrs. Claus. Okay. So when you say they don't have them,

where you came from in Alaska, what do you mean exactly? I'm from like a really small town. Like it's 30,000 people really tiny. Were you born in an igloo? No, in a hospital. Igloo, Azalea. Okay. It's one of those moments where Mrs. Claus needs to take a breath. Oh, she's dancing. Mrs. Claus, easy. Have you been drinking too much milk again? We've seen this before. It's been a few weeks since we've seen that character get a little overamped up. What'd you do before the show, Mrs. Claus? Anything different than usual? Maybe a Red Bull or something? Just suck a lot of dick and have a bunch of eggnog, baby. Mrs. Claus, I tried to tell you that wasn't eggnog. All right, everyone. So, Carolyn, do your parents know that you're a stripper? Yeah.

What do they think about that? My dad does my taxes. Oh, sweet. I'm more surprised that strippers do their taxes. Yeah, we do. We're Americans. We do everything that everybody else does. That is the most American thing I've ever heard in my life, a stripper going, we are Americans. Well, you know, we're not. That's beautiful. Thank you. So your dad does your taxes. What does your mom think about it? You know, what happened was, is that I had a falling out with a girlfriend and then she told my parents. I'm so excited that there's a stripper on the show. He just, his jewel pen just flew up out of his hands in the air and he tried to catch it and it fell. Don't make that noise ever again. Oh, I'm going to vomit. Okay. So what does your

mom say about it? A friend of mine actually like lashed out at me and told my mom kind of, you know, when she didn't know and stuff. Oh, shit. Yeah. And so, but my mom, so my mom just sort of like told me like, she was like, you know what, it makes sense. And she's, and then she said, like, it's kind of a compliment. Like I have the personality for it. So it's like, she's very passive aggressive about it. Like she's never going to. What does she do for work? She's a housewife. Oh, so nothing at all. She couldn't even muster up being a stripper. You hear that, Mrs. Claus? Yeah. Mrs. Claus, how do you earn your keep? Well, I have, first of all, I got a serious question, if I may add. Go ahead. When a stripper dies, do you dance half-mast? Okay. There you go. Great

question. What else do you have to say, Mrs. Claus? Okay. What is the elf? I'm seeing the elf using the microphone. I want to see what elf has to say. I think we could definitely use someone like her on our North Pole. Okay. There you go. Oh my God. Oh, that's the shit you like. Yeah. El Fonzo. That's the shit that gets left. Yeah. Jokes and references, Mrs. Claus. I said I had a serious question. Yeah. All right. The word Alaska, having the word, the sound ass in it, doesn't really, I'll ask it for another joke. Mrs. Claus, the language is getting a bit much. So COVID has to be really hard on you because there's no strip clubs. What have you been doing to like make cash? That's a great question. I got

on unemployment and yeah, and then I'm working part-time at a dispensary and stuff. So I have to ask you a question. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Have you had boyfriends while you were stripping? Yeah. Yeah, lots. What's that like? Are they get jealous easily? My guess is this. My guess is the first date and the first couple of weeks, they're like, no, it's fucking cool. You do you, I do me. I'm real independent. And then two, three weeks into it, they start hitting you up like, hey, you said you were going to be done. Start coming to the club and just sitting at the bars staring at you. I know that. Dropping their jewel pen and making noises like, right? Are we, are we right about this? Welcome back to the live reading of the autobiography of

Brian Rednett. So it's, it's, they're all good. They're, they're carefree in the beginning and then they start to get jealous real quick. I used to lie and say I was a nanny or say like, you know, I did other things. So I actually had like, I used to lie about it. I used to be really ashamed of it. And so I used to lie about it. And so I have like full on relationships, like, you know, six months, seven months long relationships. They had no idea. Wow. And then when they find out, what did they do? Only one found out. Yeah. Because he did my taxes. Oh my God. That's why you gotta let daddy do the taxes. So what happened when he found out? Can you give us a real, real breakdown of what that was like? What are all these receipts for one dollar? There you go. Thank

you. All right. After a question, can you tell us what that was, what that was like when he found out? He just kind of was, he asked me about like, you know, expenses and that sort of thing. And also like, cause he was like, I thought you worked at an, and I told him I worked as a receptionist at like, sure, sure. And so on the checks that you get at strip clubs, it's like, they have like fake names, you know what I mean? Like fake business names. Right. So he was like, what's stars entertainment? You know, like, what is this? Right. But when you told him, when you're finally like, I'm a stripper, well, he knew. And then he told me, and then he told you, you were a stripper. No, he told me he knew because of, he looked up stars entertainment

where I was getting my checks. And he was like, that's, so he thought I did porn at first. And then it turns out it was okay. It was just stripping. But then, you know, what is that? That only lasts about another month, right? Yeah, pretty much. It's hard, but it's okay. When you're not stripping, what are you into? You have any hobbies you like to make pottery or things like that? You into a mathematics, science, nuclear energy studies? Just no, just comedy, pretty much. I went to this film school, I got a degree in film. And then I taught film appreciation for a while. I guess that's something I did for like a year and a half. Where out? I don't want to say I got fired. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's cool. I guess. Why'd you get fired for? For showing

them rated our movies. Oh, yeah. It was a high school and I thought they were fine to watch them and stuff like what kind of rated our movies are we talking about? Like, well, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with Schindler's list. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. Schindler's list at a high school, a double feature with striptease back to back. They didn't know I was a stripper either. They didn't know I was stripping either. But yeah, but also, yeah. That's interesting. Do you ever just, you know, sit down by the fire and string popcorn together? Sure. I know. I'm never, never, never, never. That was a great moment right there. That was a really nice moment. A lot of people have said that Christmas trees

ask all the best questions. I respect the stripping, but it terrifies me anytime that I get undressed. I'm immediately killed because you're a tree. Yeah. So do we sometimes. Absolutely. Somebody go and get her. Have you ever had a really dangerous moment in a strip club? Yeah. Yeah. I don't you don't want to know. Yes, we do. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well, you don't have to name names. Yep. No. Okay. I guess this one time this I was I didn't really know what to do. Like, oh, I there's this girl and she had been trafficked. And she was, yeah. So I, it's LA, the traffic's bad. Yeah. So helping her and stuff was really, you know, was really freaky because like, you know, you didn't want to get the person that trafficked her mad, you know what I mean? Oh my God. So what

do you end up doing? We got her an Airbnb and then she came to work with all of her stuff. And then she went to the Airbnb and then she, yeah. Then she went back to the trafficker. Oh, I know. I think she she escaped. And then she went to Hawaii. She was from Hawaii. And so, you know, like a trafficker was like, I want to make you a model, that kind of thing. And then, you know, right, started, you know, wow. So it's not just girls going to college stripping, there's trafficking and in all kinds of other fun, interesting stuff. Santa, what the fuck are you doing over there? Get involved. I'm a flyover. You're a beautiful girl. You're what, 28 years old, something like that. Have you seen a lot of, have you seen in your 10 years there, have you seen a lot of strippers

like grow old and have a tough time letting go of the game? Yeah, like there's one woman, like she was like Billy Idol's girlfriend. Like she was like, you know, when she was really young, like 18. And so she had like all these photos of them and stuff. And she's still like stripping. And she was stripping when she met Billy Idol and stuff. And so like, and so she's, yeah, so it's, it's kind of crazy. Like, but she's had like clients for like 15 years, you know what I mean? That like, she's like, she's got regular destiny. You've tore both of your ACLs. It's time to hang up the hat and the shoes. Okay. Your colostomy bag is showing. Okay. That's not a pan. It's not a panty liner. It's a colostomy bag line. Do you know malice? Malice? Yeah. Oh, this is the part

where red band starts dropping stripper names. Oh my God. She's great. I think I do know malice. How do you forget a malice? No, you don't forget a malice. No, she has the whip. She's famous. Yeah. With the Mohawk and she's like a Hollywood legend. Oh, I think even I know her just from like hanging out. She's like 90 shows. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All right. Fun times, Caroline. Thank you so much for coming on and teaching us so much about the art of stripping. This is so fun. Thank you so much. Awesome. There she goes. Caroline, Georgia's everyone. Claude's coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Man, I can't wait till the ice house opens up again. You ain't lying. You ain't lying, my friend. That one would be an instant book right

there. So we've, we've met a new person there that hasn't been on the show before. Your next comedian, a regular on this show, this guy is a true anchor of the show, holds it down every single week. Absolutely love this guy with all my heart. One of my really good friends. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great David Lucas. Here he is. White people can't cook worth the goddamn. There's only one thing white people can cook better than black people and that's meth. Y'all motherfuckers got some ancient recipes for that shit. I like what I, I like to put my stomach on girls back when I'm hitting the doggie style, kind of like a paperweight. Don't let her ass go nowhere. What the fuck do you think you're going?

Man. Men don't mind if women are fat. Like I do a lot of online dating. So of course I mean a lot of fat bitches. But when I meet you and we go out to eat, show up with some fucking personality. Don't just show up fat. You know what I'm saying? Like I hate going out to eat with fat girls. They, they act like they don't eat shit. Like this bitch is sitting there picking that french fries. Like, but you know damn well, I know that you eat more than that. I eat more than that. So quit playing with yourself. What was that? Was that it? Different cat for some reason. Really off the normal format of the show. That's a different cat. Are we being, are we being invaded by different

cats? Wait, did you just say no? You keep saying no. Yeah. Wait, what? What is happening? Okay. All right. This is absolutely the dumbest shit that's ever happened in the history of the show. I was San Diego. I was straight into San Diego, which nobody listening knows about. But go ahead. You just have, you just headlined in San Diego this weekend. How was it? Killed that shit. Oh, okay. Good. Well, there you go. And the owner, he messaged me because he thought I was talking shit about the club. But I, so I wasn't talking shit. And he actually paid me. The owner of the club. Yeah. Okay. He messaged me because he heard that I wasn't happy. But you know, like he put nine people up before me. So you know, when something like that happens,

you have to address it as the headliner. No doubt. And I'm like, it's not that I was talking shit. But if you have nine people before you as the headliner obnoxious, you have to make it know to the rest. You have to acknowledge that beyond obnoxious. Right? And you had no idea that there was going to be nine. Like how long was your set? I did 30. He told me to bring. So I brought a feature and I was like, okay, there'd be probably a local opener and a fucking host and not fucking nine. What was the reason for the nine people? I'll tell you off air. I love the club. Yeah, it's all good. So let's talk about stuff. David, you were talking about something that stood out to me is if having sex with a woman doggy style, you like to put your belly on

their lower back like a paperweight. Now I don't understand that obviously because I'm built like a rail and normally if I'm having sex in the doggy style position, I'm the one that is in the doggy position. I'm on bottom. I'm on bottom. But you like to spread your legs. We know that's right. And dildos come out and then whatever anybody wants to put in there, they can put in there. Right now I have $4 and 50 cents and quarters in my butthole. Damn, nigga, you got enough money to help the change shortage we got in America. Okay. All right. So here's my question. If your belly is on their lower back, is there ever a time where you go perhaps too far out and then back in and you're like, oh, you're like belly

gets stuck between their butt. Does it fall down? I don't have no shit like that, bro. No, I don't know how it works. Because it seems like that would happen. One time my belly button kissed Mrs. Claus's butthole. Is that true, Mrs. Claus? That's right. What did that feel like to you? All right. There's the one fart noise. So David, what's been happening this week in your life other than going down to San Diego? What else has happened? Felling love with acai bowls, bro. Oh, look at that. How long have you been in LA? 10 years. There you go. That's right about when it happens.

I had an acai bowl in fucking peppermint water today at creation on Third Street. What is an acai bowl? It is the whitest shit. I don't even know what an acai is. It's from Brazil. Oh, Mrs. Claus knows her. The berry, it's from the Amazon rainforest and they blend it up with ice and put some bananas. It's a very healthy treat that you just do communities very into it. Yeah, indeed. Gives you a lot of energy. There's normally granola, bananas, things like that inside of it. Tastes like you're eating ice cream, pretty much like sherbet. Some of them have a lot of sugar in it.

It tastes like ice cream red, man. It tastes like a fucking acai bowl. Ice cream tastes like... No, it tastes like sherbet. If you're at it, it tastes like a fucking sherbet. It tastes like a fucking raspberry sherbet. It has the texture of sherbet. It doesn't actually like... You could equate everything to an unhealthy food if you want to. Exactly. It's still not healthy and not much sugars in that shit. Y'all know, pita bread tastes like pizza, right? But it's fruit. It's natural sugar. Whereas ice cream and sherbet is different types of...

The shit is good, bro. Processed sugar. White people don't hit it on a lot of shit, but they hit it on that acai bowl shit. Absolutely. They hit it on the head. No, we do. White people are good cooks, by the way. You don't count Italians as white in your... Fuck no, that's ethnic. Yeah, I agree. White people can't do... I don't... Name a white dish that come from like... Grilled cheese. That's a good one.

That's a nigger dish. Oh, shit. Hamburger. That's a nigger dish. Hamburger's. Yeah. Hamburger's. Hamburger. That's a black dish. The only thing white people can probably be accredited with is goddamn tuna casserole. Ugh. Tuna casserole. Any type of casserole, that's white as fuck.

T-bone steak. I don't think I've had a casserole in 15 years. T-bone steak sounds like a black guy, too, man. Hey, what's up, T-bone? Hey, what's up, my nigger T-bone? No, no, no. You took that from the white people. Come on. I was in prison with a man named T-bone steak, so... Tony went to prison just for the showers. That's right. I did.

I go there and they're like, all right, you have to hit the showers. I'm like, how many bars of soap can you give me? Right. Because I want to drop it all. I'm going to drop soap like Red Band's Jewel Pen with a stripper on set. Girl, drop it to the floor. I love to see your booty go. Okay, there you go. Thank you, Santa. All I want to do is go to the water room.

Thanks, Santa. There you go. Thank you, Santa. What's my boy, there? I think he's a handsome white guy. St. Nick. Court McCown. Court McCown, my nigga. It's good to see you, buddy.

What's up, doggy? I'm doing good. Nice teeth, full beard. I hope I have that much hair when I'm your age, though. Hell yeah. Look at that. I like... When I was younger, I used to want to be white so I could do my hair like the little... The burnt rentals, that shit.

Yeah. 78 years old. Yeah? You just wait. Now, you probably like... Honestly, because white people age bad because y'all had us in slavery. You probably like 36. No.

No. No. He was doing cocaine in the 70s. Oh, shit. So you might be older. You're a white dude that took... He actually knows the dad from Teen Wolf that we always talk about on the show. Yeah, I always reference... Like, even tonight,

I sort of see it in Chroma Chris. I see the dad from Teen Wolf and a lot of people. A little bit. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah. Where's the back door? We had it last time. Elf, how you doing back there, by the way?

You having fun this episode? Yeah. Fantastic, Tony. Thank you. All right. Elf's hard at work. Making toys for all the boys and girls. What's your favorite Christmas memory that you've ever had?

Shit. You know what? I'm going to let you think about it. Let's check in with your brother in cursive, everybody. Trying on some new clothes for us. Here he is. It's the great William Montgomery, everybody, with a new pair of shorts. Wow.

No, you can't... William, William, you can't... No, no, no, you cannot... You can't talk. Shout out to Mike Peterson from Modesto. He loves these mesh shorts. Right. These are new mesh shorts. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Solid. Have you been doing something at all? Physically? Have you been working out? I haven't been working out. What have you been doing to work out? All right. Well, then do some push-ups for us.

Here are some push-ups from William Montgomery proving... Oh, the hat goes backwards. And here he is. Wow, that is... That's louder than everything else. There we go. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible.

How about some sit-ups? Can you do sit-ups, William? Enough push-ups. How about some sit-ups? I think that's what would be really interesting to see. Here's William. He's going to try some sit-ups for us. Here he goes.

Segwaying seamlessly into sit-ups. This is the moment of truth here. We know the guy can do push-ups, but whoa, oh, yikes. These are... He's only lifting up his head, really. Only... Hold on. Everybody stop.

That's enough music. Hold on. William, wait a second. Only you're... Yeah. Only... Wait a second. What's that lump on the top of your head?

Oh, my God. He does. He has a... Have you always had that? No. Forget about the bulb. No. Where his bald spot is,

there's actually like a bubble. Yeah. William, has that always been there? That's not... No, that's not... That's a snow globe. How long has that been there, William? Really?

Well, he never takes his hat off, so he might be right. All right. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody, with a little showing of the shorts. Go throw on another pair of shorts. We'll bring you back in a second.

I thought about it, bro. Yeah. So it was like 2002. I was like... Favorite Christmas memory. It was like 2002. I was like in the sixth grade and shit. And my mom had bought me a computer,

and this is when I found out Santa Claus wasn't real. You take that back. It was my favorite Christmas because I got a lot of shit, but it was also like heartbreaking because she couldn't figure out how to hook my computer,

so she had to call my uncle. So Christmas, for me, didn't start until like 1 p.m. And I was sad as shit. And then later on that day, she told me Santa Claus wasn't real, that she bought all this shit. How old were you?

I was in sixth grade, so like 111. Damn. I have a story just like that. I asked for a computer. I think I've told this on here before, but I asked for a computer. All my friends had more money than me. They all had computers at their house,

and like you'd go and you'd visit, and you could barely do anything on computers at the time. But everybody else had one. I was the last kid to get one, and I asked for a real computer. Sure enough, this giant presence underneath the tree that morning,

and I'm like, no fucking way. I think we did it. And I opened it up, and it was a monitor and a keyboard. And I noticed that there was like a printer attached to the keyboard part, like the back of the keyboard was a printer, and it was a word processor,

and you couldn't do a fucking thing on it. You couldn't upload, download. There was no games on it. It was literally just typed, and you could see what you were typing on the screen, and you had the choice to either print or not print, and that was it. It was a fucking whamboozle.

I'd rather would have had nothing at all than this stupid fucking word processor. Yeah, I got the same thing. I got a Texas instrument. It was like a T computer that had nothing to do with internet or anything like that. My first computer was a gateway. 20-inch monitor.

I remember that day. Wow, I got bootleg Power Ranger toys. You guys' childhood sounds great. Bootleg? You're from the SWATME. They were like Mexican Power Ranger toys. You guys are bitching about a word processor. Mrs. Claus, Mrs. Claus,

why would you get bootleg Power Rangers toys? I thought you were hundreds and hundreds of years old. But bootleg Power Ranger toys. They made a Power Ranger. Let's just say I saved her from a scarred past, Tony. Were they like beige fucking weird colors or what? Let's just say they didn't fit right. You know, I got the whole, the gun that's supposed to

click together and be the mega gun. It just, the pieces didn't really click in properly. Vamo, Vamo Ranger. All right. David, fun times, another fun appearance. I'll be on, I got an episode soon. I was, I got an episode of a concrete podcast coming out soon. I'll be filming that in Tampa,

so it'll probably be out in like a month or two weeks. So yeah, doing that shit, doing, yeah. David Lucas is funny, right? David Lucas funny on IG. These niggas know who I am. Of course. There he goes. The great David Lucas, everybody.

You guys got, you guys got word processors. And I got an eight track player when I was in the sixth grade. Eight track. An eight track player. You know, honest to God, I rather would have had the eight track player even in fucking 1990 or whenever it was that I got that thing because it was just all, all it forced me to do was my homework.

Which I hated more than anything. It doesn't sound like that. I think it really did anything. It didn't do a fucking thing. It's just a typewriter. And you know what, in retrospect and almost immediately actually, I felt bad for my mom. You know, it was one of those things where it's like,

fuck, where you really realize like, oh, you're poor and, you know, your mom like might not be that smart. Did she see, could she see the disappointment in your face? Dude, I mean, I, is it like one of those things where you open it up and then you're like, I'm, oh yeah. Oh, maybe, oh, I would complain about it relentlessly. I mean, I was, I was such an asshole. I got a used, I got a used typewriter.

One year. So word processor, not so bad. All right. Wow. I mean, I'm also fucking a legal resident of the United States. You're right. The North Pole just got incorporated into America. So I think it's different, right?

Americans are supposed to get better at business presidents than illegal immigrants with their ripoff power ranger toys. Easy Tony. Wait, when you lift up your mustache like that. We had some green to Santa Claus, he's Mexican all of a sudden green and an eagle. Okay.

I'm excited about this one. I got a message from this guy and it was very, very compelling and interesting. I do believe that this is his first time on the show ever. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeff Ria's everyone. Here's Jeff. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh. Hey, here he is.

Jeff Ria's. Hey, everyone. I just got separated from my wife. It's been about a month. We're living together still. It's pretty weird. I feel like I look like I got separated, maybe. Maybe I sound like it.

I don't know. But I, one of my sons just recently got diagnosed with, I have seven year old twins, twin boys. And one of them just recently got diagnosed with autism. And I feel like he got it from me for obvious reasons, I feel like. Like sometimes, I don't know. Like sometimes I live in the wilderness. Like in a wilderness kind of area.

I'll just, I'll see a rabbit and I'll chase it like a, simulate like a coyote chase, you know, even make the sounds. And I almost like in my head, I'm thinking like, I'm probably saving this fucking things life. But also, I don't know. Wow, Jeff Ria's. I love it. Honest to God, one of my favorite performances of the night so far.

And this is your first time doing standup? Wow, first time ever performing anywhere ever. And there's something about you that really sort of, I think naturally commands people's attention. You're not, you don't really project, but it's not that you're underperforming. It is just the right amount to sort of get people to lean forward and really listen to what you're saying.

And very, very, very interesting life you're living right now. That's all true, right? Recently divorced this month? No, not divorced. Sorry. And I think just right now, like how my voice almost cracked. That's why I don't project sometimes, because at a certain like level, it kind of just breaks through.

Like I said, it was great. We're still together. I mean, like I've been married for like, I guess together for, since like 13 years, 12 years. We just kind of separated like a month ago, but we're kind of still living together. It's still like very kind of mutual, like a respectful, like it's still like.

Trust me, I get it. So it's been a month. What caused the separation, if any one thing in particular, just sort of grew apart over time? I mean, yeah, I think that's it. I think we're both, I mean, we got like married pretty young. Did she give you a word processor for Christmas? She did on Valentine's Day.

She did tell me I looked like like Captain America, like pre like kind of like soldier, I guess. What the fuck? I think she meant to kind of like joking, but it kind of stung a little bit because it was like. So how many kids do you have total? Just twins. Just the twins.

Were you surprised when you found out that you were having twins? Yeah, we just, I mean, like, we just expected to have one and it was just very identical. So it's just kind of like the egg spontaneously splits. Well, that's probably pretty stressful on the relationship having twins. And now you say the one's autistic. So that's.

Yeah. And only one's autistic. Are we sure about this? I think we don't know, but one of them like kind of has like a lot of signs of it and they're identical. They say like 80% of identical twins if like one has a diagnosis, probably the other does. Wow.

So the other one's just not showing symptoms yet? I mean, like some, but it's like, I feel like not enough to maybe like impact them like. Right. What's the one that is autistic? What's he doing that is autistic? I mean, he's gotten like a lot better, but he just, he just kind of takes things like very literal.

Like for sure, like whenever you like laugh, like he doesn't understand like the, like the context, like if you even feel like he does something cute and you're like, oh, or he says something kind of funny. Right. And you laugh, he'll like kind of like swing or even hit you. He's gotten a little better at like hitting. Oh, Okie dokie.

So yeah, that's that's that. But he's also like, he's just like, I mean, like he can like play with Legos and just like, hum to himself for like three hours and just like. And just kind of like. Wow. Easily entertain the kind of kid that you could give a, that you can give a bunk ass power ranger to

and he'd be able to have fun with it for a while. That's fun. And yeah, anything like that. Oh, Christmas tree as a question. Yeah. Bright side of the separation to Christmases. So yeah, that's great. That's great.

Double the tree. Gonna have twins, twin, twin trees. So you guys sleeping in two separate bedrooms or something like that? Yeah, kind of like I'm like where we live. There's like other or our house has like a kind of a separate kind of loft. So it kind of works because as long as we're not like

killing each other and we can like, because I think that's maybe like why it hasn't worked or it didn't work. It's because I think we're so kid like centered to right. We kind of have to be. I think we're both like special ed teachers. Okay, who cheated?

What are the odds of that two special ed teachers? That's good. And you have autistic twins. Look at that. That's like hitting the the special lottery. It's bringing your work home. Do you have do you have any? Give it up for Mrs. Claus for that, Joe.

What did she say? Bringing your work home. Oh, yes, exactly. Christmas tree. Go ahead. Do you have any special ed moves in the bedroom? Yeah, special bed. Some good morning.

She's like spit on my back and you're like all slobber. Oh my goodness. Why would she ask? Why would she ask him to spit on her back? Kink E. Frightening. You say you live in the wilderness. Do you like, is that true?

Do you live in like a forest? No, it's not the wilderness. It's more just kind of like the foothills. But I mean, we get like, like to really work right up against the kind of like the wilderness. So we got like rattlesnakes, like coyotes, like. So special ed, you got the kids, you're separated. What do you like to do for fun?

How do you escape from it all? I mean, I'm a big like Hooper, like basketball player. Oh, shit. I mean, I was playing like daily, like at the gym, but it just like once a guy shut down. You said you're a Hooper. So I really believe you. You don't have a basketball in your car.

Do you? I thought about bringing one with that. I was like, Tony's gonna make me dribble up here. And I was like, that's that would have been so awesome. I mean, I'm not a great dribble. Man, I wish you had a basketball. Anybody have a basketball on them? You know what I mean?

Yeah, like I like to draw a lot like graphic design. Oh, that's cool. That's fun. But basketball, my guess here, I'm looking at you. I know, I know a little bit about sports. My guess is that you're a real hustler out there on the court. Am I correct? You're a point guard.

You have to depend on the hustle because of the athleticism. Of course. But I mean, my guess is that you're extremely good and you surprise people on the court. Yeah, I think like when I play against people, they're like, oh, that's why I'm working on a show. Right. Last pick.

And then next thing you know, you're doing a layup, right in the fucking T-bone Jackson's face. Okie dokie. That's fun. What was your childhood like? Oh, just like a mess kind of filled. Divorced kind of like parents. I think both parents were married and like divorced

three times a piece. And I was like, yeah. Right. Did you get any off-brand toys for Christmas? No, it was all like name brand material. That's right. I got you. Very interesting.

Where were you during my fucking Christmas? So now you're recently separated. You think your you think your wife's banged anybody yet? No, like we haven't like really like kind of like talked about that. I mean, my therapist, like I've been like in therapy recently. Right. And like she was she. What are we talking about here?

Could she be you ever think about having sex with your therapist? You ever get the case of the Tony Sopranos? It's not like that. It's not like that. It ain't like that. No. But I mean, I started and she was like, I can ask you something.

Have you ever been unfaithful? And I was like, no, like, I mean, I have it. And she was like, well, I've never treated it. I was like, it's like, which is true. I have never done that. And it's like. Huh. Well, you might want to cheat

when you see the incredible styles of William Montgomery and new shorts. Here we go. Here he comes. Here he is. This is incredible. Oh, wow. Cacky shorts on this one.

This is for all of you that are into. What would you do if you walked in to your place and your wife was having sex with this? Oh, my God. I would submit. Be nice. Submit. Perfect.

There you go. What would you do to him if he walked in on you having sex with? I would have sex in his bottom. Wow. You would. His butt? He would submit to me. Oh, my goodness.

He would submit. If you were going, if you were. Hold on, William. William, I have a question for you. Let's say you had sex. Let's say you were having sex with his butt and you felt the urge to have an orgasm. Where would you finish?

I would get some nerves. Where would you finish? Where would you shoot your shot? William. There you go. Very honest answer there by William Montgomery. He would pull out and shoot on your back. Right on your back.

Oh, my goodness. Thanks for the shorts. William's got a lot of energy right now. Those are very aggressive shorts he has on right now. Oh, my God. It's a very good. Well, I think that the gym shorts with the elastic made you a little bit less, a little calmer.

I think that I think the button is riled him up. All right, there he goes. William Montgomery with another new pair of shorts. He's going to be back out again soon. Any moment now. If they wrote a book about you, Jeff, what would be one of the most interesting fun facts about you? Like something that you've done

or something that you've accomplished or perhaps a special skill other than basketball or something like that? Like something real fun, fun fact. You perhaps you saved somebody's life before or something like that? I did. There was a kid's birthday party a few years ago and there was like a goat.

Like there was choking. It was like a petting zoo. Yeah. Somehow he had like kind of twisted. The goat was choking. The goat was choking. He had like a collar on. Yeah.

PTSD right there. So it was like, so he was like choking and then this girl, they put like some like 15 year old girl in charge and she came inside the house like in tears. You know, the goat, the goat went out there. The thing was like foaming out of the mouth. It's like eyeballs were kind of like bowls out of its head. Oh, my God.

I went, I had like a knife, but it was just so tight and I was like, holy shit. And then I realized there was just like a little clip there. And then like the goat was fine. He just kind of like was just like laying with his tongue out for like 10 minutes and he got up and then he was like, wait, what was the clip? What do you mean?

It was like a little push clips. I don't know. Like on a collar. It's like, oh, so the collar was too tight. Yeah. He just twisted it around like around. Oh, my God. It was pretty scary, but I was pretty proud of myself.

And then I was kind of, I celebrated with like a double double. And I was just like, hey, there you go. Look at that. It's saved a goat's life. Get yourself a hamburger. No, he got rebounds and points. Oh, there you go. All right.

Well, Jeff, thank you so much. Very compelling story and an excellent set for your first time ever. I'm a huge fan of you guys. I appreciate you guys kind of putting on the show during this pandemic because it's like a lot of people like me look forward to it. So I love it.

Well, congratulations for a fan of the show. Oftentimes they come in here and they struggle with the set. They struggle with the interview, but this was awesome. Very compelling stuff. I hope you'll come back and do it again sometime. For sure. There he goes.

The great Jeff Reyes, everybody. On to the next one. We go. Hey, oh, what fun. It is to ride in a one horse. So Ben's like, hey, all right. We're in for a special treat right now. The name that I just pulled out of the bucket

is the stuff that legends are made out of. This is this guy's first appearance on the show since or during the pandemic. Ladies and gentlemen, you've been wanting it and now you have it. This is the return of Kill Tony icon, Mikey McKernan, everybody. Here he is.

Thank you. Mikey McKernan, everybody. I like to text women you up, but I do in the morning to see which ones like to sleep in. I don't like to travel because you always have to meet a rival. They're every time. They say it doesn't cost anything to be narcissistic, but I'm pretty sure you have to pay a few selfies

and then I go boo-ha. Just hanging out with my folks during quarantine. Dad told me about how they met. My dad had a mattress store next to my mom's meat market. They humped, opened a sandwich shop. True story. They got married right in front of the chip stand. They had to exchange onion rings.

How to read a lot of conspiracy theories to get out of the house today. Great to be here. I like to find people who are more freaked out than I am. You know what conspiracy theories clean their ears out with? Q-tips. I'm still doing it. I love it. Doing it and doing it strong.

Mikey McCartney. I forgot how much I miss him. The return of Mikey and we got the trademark. This was not like going to a Pink Floyd concert and wondering if they're going to play comfortably numb. He did it and he did it throughout his set. The famous boo-ha for Mikey. I have to forever.

That's what the people want. You're giving them what they want. That's how you fucking sell tickets, my friend. Is that your merch? Because if so, that's awesome. No, shout out to Todd Smith. This is his clothing company. It looks like you.

Super cool. I have a question for you. Sometimes I get shit on the internet because people will be like, oh, come on. They were joking and you asked them about their joke. Of course, that's a joke. But I have to know. Was any part of that mom and dad meeting story true?

Did he really have a mattress store? Was she really at a meatball, would she say? Meat market store. That is a true story. Wow, did they really start a sandwich shop? They sure did. Wow, did they really get married there? They had married right in front of the chip stand.

Wow, my mind is blown and I'm so glad I asked. I knew you could have very easily been like, no, that was a joke, Tony. And then I look like an asshole, but there it is. No, I got to stop telling lies with the boo-ha, so I had to find a real one. That is incredible. You grew up in a sandwich shop.

I was actually not born yet, so I didn't get to. Did they get rid of the sandwich shop once they had you? No, my dad picked up my mom when she had three kids with an idiot and they had three more kids. I just actually found out that we have a sister. They actually did not tell us that. They're firstborn, they gave up for adoption. 40 years later, over quarantine, 23 means.

Well, I'm sure there's some young lady out there just taking orders at a restaurant and going, boo-ha, boo-ha, boo. Where they are, they tell me. Where was your sister born? New Delhi? Oh, ha, ha, there you go. So the sister just did 24 and me and found, wow.

So have you met her yet? Yeah, she looks like me. It's weird as fuck. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, my parents didn't tell us for 40 years. They've been holding on that guilt. So after that happened, I was like, all right, you better tell us the truth now.

Like what else is going on out there? Where's the money buried? Did they give you any other information? No, that's it. That's it, just a sister. What a crazy Star Wars-like twist that is. Sister. You, how about sister?

So what have you been doing during the pandemic? You have a lot of energy. You were working at Bubba Gump. What's going on now? Lame shit. I've actually, funny you bring up Star Wars, I've actually read all the novels in Star Wars canon during quarantine.

Shout out to the Curbside Library. Wow, that's incredible. What do you do when you're reading books? You normally laying in bed? You listen to music? Right now I'm sitting in my car with AC on because you can't really hang out anywhere. I don't like to read a home, so it's pretty depressing.

Yeah, what's your home situation like? I'm actually about to move out. So, but I got a house, a couple guys. Okay, why are you moving out? We got one guy leaving and then the other one was like, I don't want to be here either. And so I'm like, all right, so I'm probably going to have to go home for a minute.

Where's home? Rancho Cucamonga. Whoa, Rancho Cucamonga. What do you, that sounds like something Joel would know a lot about. What do you know about Rancho Cucamonga? Hey! Okay, good Lord. Really leaning on that one.

This is claws. Okay, Rancho Cucamonga's what? The Alien Empire? Yeah. Yep. Anything that you miss about Rancho Cucamonga? Just the fridge door water. You know, you get water from the fridge door?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Heck yeah. Yeah, that's fancy. Yeah, that was amazing for a long time. Wow, for Christmas when you're, I got a fridge door. Little things, okay? Absolutely incredible.

What a piece of art. Give it up for Mrs. Claus. There you go, yes. My sweetums. There you go. Wow, Mikey, how about your love life? What's that been like throughout this pandemic? Nothing, nothing at all, yeah.

That surprises me. There might be somebody, but we'll see. Uh-oh, what is this? Did you just start dating? Are you about to go on a date? Someone that you would just have your eyes on? Someone that you're looking at through binoculars? Gone on a couple dates, but you know, it's during quarantine.

You're just in the DMs, you know. Right. So you've gone on dates? Where have you gone on dates? Just walked around the beach. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's because I mean, like, I'm not going to invite anybody

to go to places and stuff like that. So being outside. Wow. So how does it happen, something like that? Just you meet her and then you're like, hey. You just try to be funny. Okay. You do the boo-haz to her?

She already knows about it. She actually saw me on this show, so. She saw you on this show. See, that's okay. This is getting more and more interesting. It's sort of something that I was half fishing for, hoping that maybe we helped this union come together a bit. She's a fan of Kill Tony.

Yeah. All right. This is a keeper, dude. This is a class act. Does she claim she's a nanny, but really works at a strip club? Uh-oh. No, I'm not that lucky. Okay.

Is she a comedian or is she? She is a comedian. Whoa, we're finding out more. Okay. It's on now. She's been on the show. Oh, she's been on the show. Oh my goodness.

Oh, wow. Do you ever show her your bits? Oh, ha, ha. She's lucky. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, take it slow. You got to take it slow. Like a good Christian boy, very much.

Very interesting. I don't believe in that, but yes. Right. You worship the devil himself. Hail Sagan. You read Star Wars novels and you worship the devil. All right. Well, this has been fun, Mikey.

Anything else crazy we need to know about? Anything else happening in life? No, that's about it. Doing comedy outdoors, not online. All right. Court, have you ever seen Mikey before? I haven't seen Mikey. I like Mikey a lot.

Thank you. He's fantastic. You're funny. Solid. Rock solid. Buhas and beats, my friend. Well wishes to you. We love you, Mikey.

Thank you guys so much. Come back again soon. There he goes. The great, the powerful. I like the personality. I'm dreaming. There you go. We're not going to have one more real quick here.

He comes. It's Brandon Beater stat everybody. Here comes Brandon. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. Shut up. Here he is, Brandon Beater stat. What's up, what's up? Here's Brandon Beater stat everybody.

Have you guys ever seen a redheaded guy that's losing his hair and just been happy for him? You got to think that a balding ginger's just getting his soul back. Found out earlier this week that I'm related to Elizabeth Warren. I know what you're all thinking. How? Quarantine has been hard for me.

The love life has been bad. Every day of quarantine, I get more horny and less fuckable. I've been talking to my ex-girlfriend. She actually, I'm actually wearing a shirt right now that my ex-girlfriend got me. She wasn't a good fit either. My work has these signs that say stay six feet away from each other or one jump rope's length.

I think a better rule is I would like four jump ropes between me and anyone that uses a jump rope as a unit of measurement. And those people should be 60 jump ropes from a Chuck E. Cheese. Thank you very much. Brandon Beterstadt. Join jokes.

He's got jokes, folks. Welcome back, Brandon Beterstadt. Very fun stuff. Thanks. Most of them are new. Yeah, that's great. The redheaded balding, getting your soul back jokes. Great. Elizabeth Warren, great.

Fun, fun stuff. I've never heard of the jump rope thing before. I think my, I don't know. They printed it from the CDC. So I think it's like a thing, but yeah. Where do you work? I work at a YouTube production company called FBE. Okay. What do you do there?

I'm a production coordinator. Wow. With a belly button ring. Is that correct? That's you? You're the belly button ring guy? I am the dude with the belly button ring. I got it. I got to let court McCown see this. General Bogus, you might zoom in on this stuff. I've got a different one.

This is, I wouldn't wear the same one two times in a row. I want to real quick shout out the Oakland Raiders undefeated baby. Let's fucking go. Okay. Okay. Wow. It's a real belly button. This is the Oakland Raiders dangly. Oh my God.

It's an Oakland Raiders belly button ring. Yes. Oh my God. It was stuck in his belly. That Oakland Raiders fans be like, Hey, fool. What's up with that? Hey, can we zoom in any farther? Is that as good? Okay. That's as close as we can get,

but that is a real Oakland Raiders. Dude, they're the tough fucking team. It is so fucking gross to look at it on the screen. Cholos would kick your ass. It really is. Absolutely. It looks like a jewel hanging out of an asshole. Also, there's a hair on it.

It looks meaty. It's disgusting. Is your underwear inside out as well? Oh, it is. Oh, it is. I've got a doubt. A lot of, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the problem with your dating might start in the belly button ring.

How is your love life right now? So the last time I was here, we talked about the fuck shack. That's right. How'd that go? It went well. We fucked at it. We since then have stopped talking. We broke up recently because she wants to be a stripper,

actually. Right. Wait, the girl that you really liked is now getting into the stripping industry? That's what she's telling me. Yeah. Wow. And you're not down with that. Is that what you're saying?

I don't want to be dating someone who's stripping currently now. Yeah, she left. It's fine. We can say whatever we want. It's okay, General Bogus. You can let them in. Everything's okay over there. You don't have to kick those people out. These are all.

You probably inspired her to strip with your belly button. Thank you. Thank you, Christmas tree. Well, that's if she wants, she's straight up said to me. She's like, will you pay my rent? Or should I start stripping? And yeah, I'm not going to pay for fucking rent. So I'm like, these belly button rings aren't going to pay for themselves.

What an interesting maneuver. And what a weird position to put someone in. Are you going to pay my rent or should I start stripping? I think she's bluffing. It sounds like a bluff to me. Anybody agree with me on that? I agree with that. Right. It sounds.

It just sounds like a straight up block. It seems like, oh, what do you want me to be a stripper? Pay my rent. Right. That's just. She has, she's done some stripping. Pay my rent or I'm going to work at CVS. That's not what she said.

She's like, pay my rent. This isn't the first time she's dipped her toe in the stripping world. So I believe her. Well, there's no stripping right now anyway. No. And that's why she wants to be a topless maid instead. Oh my goodness gracious. So what type of chest does she have?

Are people even going to be excited? I'd give it a B cup. B cup. So what are we talking about? I like her tits, but no, I would not pay. How about a good cleaning? How about that? She would be a good maid.

She better be a good maid. Trust me, they're not hiring topless maids, right? No one's buying topless maids during this corona. A topless maid. No one's spending money on that. You're better off getting a job as a belly butler. A topless, a topless B cup maid is like a. No voice, no glasses, no list, no accent.

What's going on back there, Mrs. Claus? I'm starting to think I married a man. All right. So Brandon, how long ago did she tell you that she's going to be a topless maid? This was two weeks ago. Have you followed up with her since then? She has since told me that she's looked at other jobs,

but I kind of thought it was like a convenient like breaking. So she was bluffing. I'm telling you that if stripping was a thing right now, no, she's not fucking bluffing. We're all right that she's not going to strip when there's no 25. 25, just going to jump right into the stripping business. Like I'm saying, she's kind of been doing it.

Like before quarantine started. What do you mean she's been an escort? She works at, she calls it karaoke. And what does she do at karaoke? Carioca, wayward son. She, thank you, thank you, Santa Claus. Yeah, what's karaoke? I'm under the impression that she's wearing

provocative outfits and semi-lap dancing, but like it's a different setup where you and your buddies like sit in a private karaoke room. Oh, she's a stripper. What do they call it? They call it a, they have a name for that. A taxi. I came here just to talk to you about this friend.

Yeah, it's like a taxi dance, like called like taxi dancers or whatever. Yeah, she lives things, but with a vagina. We call that, Carioca, on my wayward son. It's a beater stat. What was the sex like with this girl? It's pretty good. She got one of those copper IUDs,

and it has led to like the smelliest sex in my life. Oh, all right. I got one of those for Christmas one year. Give it up for Mrs. Claus, dude. Oh my God. I don't blame her. Like I'm saying, we, before the copper IUD, it smells like a normal.

What exactly does it smell like? Just like bad vagina? Yeah, have you heard of vagiosis? It's a doctor's fucking term for horrible smelling vagina. Are you sure she's just got some, doesn't have some cum left in there from some other guy? Okay, there you go. She was very honest that, that's how it works, right, man.

No, seriously, I know like a girl that, she was just as fucking slut, and she always had the stinkiest pussy, because she had, you know, fucked another guy previous that day, and you get some old cum in there. It's just, it's like salmon, like a piece of salmon's been left in the car.

These are the girls that you're hooking up with. They're girls that have fucked another guy. Scientifically, if another man comes inside of another woman, and there's leftover remnants, then it will be smelling like the salmon of a southern river. Red band strikes again, famously. Oh my God. How many times do you think you had sex with this girl

after she had sex with other guys? Oh. Actually, that was the thing that ended it, because it was just disgusting. Let's just say every time I put my penis inside her, it was very squishy. God. No, that's the thing is like,

it's the same thing with me. The stripping kind of sucks, the smelly vagina. I was looking for a way out. Why is it made of copper? Are they all copper? Copper kills sperm on contact. Yeah, it's kind of like germs. If you have those things that open the doors,

so you don't get the copper rings or whatever the fuck you call it. All right. Yes, I've used pennies as contraception before. There you go. All right. Well, Brandon Beater said, we always learn so much about science and stuff when you're on the show.

And I always say, out of all the male comedians of the belly button ring, you are without a doubt one of the top 20 or 30. I know. Fun times, really great jokes tonight. How long have you been on stand-up again? I'm at two and a half years. And I mean, really, really good.

Really great premises, especially. Jokes, great. I mean, you're doing it, man. Congratulations. Writing during this pandemic isn't easy, and you're doing it. Brandon Beater. Brandon B comedy.

Thanks, guys. Fucking around. The clock. Hey. That's a jingle bell roar. There you go. Wow. All right.

Excitingly, that is the end of the music portion of the show. It's time now for your final comedian of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, an absolute God, an absolute legend, truly, truly, one of my favorite human beings on the planet, a guy that I love, a guy that I look up to, a guy that I love working with. It's the great Michael Laird.

Here he is. Everybody, come on. Make some noise for Michael Laird. He's here. He's alive. I don't want your noise. I don't want your noise, Tony. You disrespecting me by bringing corn on.

What is this? The silver fox competition? Yeah. Look at that. All right. So it's been said that maybe I have an anger problem and I wanted to look into it. And I looked into it and it's not because of my disease

and it's not because of my personal or professional life. I discovered by looking inside myself that my anger comes from one source by customer service. Wow. And so to deal with that, I decided I will no longer get mine. I will get even and pay in change. Oh, shit. And we have been here.

Man, you ready? We've been handed scripts and here we go. You guys ready to rock this the fuck? Some of them lick Santa's fingers. Are you good, Santa? All right. Five, six, seven, eight, pay in change. Nickel's dad's paying.

He's no court is allowed. Rude to me. Rude to you. Rude to me. Rude to you. I hope you bought your calculator. You want my two cents? Here's 92 cents.

Pay in change. I don't lie. Here comes the heavy metal. Coins got you stuck like you screwed McDuck. Penny's from heaven. More like hell. Meet Abraham Lincoln and 40 of his friends. Drop dime on your ass.

Drop nickels on your two. Pay in change. Three coins and fountains. A rule of dimes up your ass. Pay in change. I hope you miss your bus because your account might change. How long is this thing? And why don't we get any fun lines?

Oh, is there a line for it? I feel some dots for it. Pay in change. Well, now he's just rhyming forming with forming. Pay in change. A dollar fee, a second. You ain't friendly. Here's a wee penny.

I like smoking nurses better. K-passo, 100 pesos. Shouldn't that have been Joel's line? Pay in change. Coins are minted in 1792. Now I'll see your 1792 coins for you. Pay in change. Even the one about Helen Keller was better than this.

Pay in change. I hope you like the vice president because here's some pens. Pay in change. Wow, in a script about change, there's a pens reference before an Obama reference. Pay in change. Copper is the color of your energy, and here's 311 pennies.

It's written in the script that I don't like the script, but truly I hate this. Pay in change. Call me Obama because I want change. There it is. Pay in change. Seriously, this is about three pages too long, Michael. Pay in change.

Are you a cop because you got a piggy bank? Okay, all right. Pay in change. You're a 9-11 conspiracy documentary. Lose change. Pay in change. Everyone puts their fists in the air. No, I think that's a stage direction.

Well, I'm not doing it. Pay in change. Pay in change. Wow, absolutely. Pick it, pick it, fresh. Half of that was the Christmas tree she wrote it with me. Wow, incredible writing. Clearly a lot of work put into it.

That was a lot of pages. This is the thickest script we've ever been. Yeah, I know that I was supposed to act like I didn't like it, but I really did not like that at all. Yeah. Ironic that Jetski helped because I'm pretty sure it took an entire tree to print up all the pages. That's where my legs are gone.

It's where my legs are stuck. Oh, that's where you went. Went, oh my God. So funny. Oh, man. Michael, incredible stuff. Thank you. Another very fun production that you put on.

I love that you're taking advantage of the wide parameters that you are afforded in your position. Don't down. I mean, it's in a playground. I'm loving every minute of it. You're goddamn right. What's up with court? One, it looks like Barbara Streisand takes something.

Which ex-husband? I don't know everyone. Is your Barbara Streisand looking like an ex-husband? But two, what are you, 85 and look 30? I mean, you're talking about doing bumps in the 70s. I mean, how fucking old are you? I remember you, like 74. We were gacking out somewhere in El Reno, Oklahoma,

fucking having a good time. I thought I had enough gack and I took too much gack and I owed the gack. That's it. Gackity gack. Can't go back. Gackity gack. No doubt.

So what else has been going on, Michael Lair? Well, I have some observations about tonight. Okay. The strip club is something interesting. Because Brian and I are very similar, almost, and that's Stephen Kingway. Like we've looked like each other through different years. I've been to hundreds of strip clubs in over 30 states,

and we're both the oldest besides Cory, who made that deal with the devil or something. Yeah. But like in 2008, going to strip clubs was different than, oh, fine, different than two years ago. And then you learn recently what the strip clubs are different, and you have your favorites around the country. I was real affixing, I knew.

Texas all the way. What are some of your favorites that you've been to off the top of your head? Sam Tafral, Yssel Le. Okay. No doubt. East Chicago, Indiana, Industrial Strip. You go in there in a very kind Indiana gentleman,

and let me preface this by saying I'm from Chicago, and before the financial collapse of 2008, you go to Chicago, and it was like some daily like hardcore shit, and a strip club would be 100 bucks for an air dance, and a $10 Budweiser, and you go 30 minutes in Indiana, and the nicest grandpa ever would greet you at the door, and you'd be like, oh, what we have here are friction dances. It's like dry humping.

I got to tell you my favorite strip club story. It's real quick. Me and Rogan were at this strip club in, I think, Atlanta, and this really hot stripper was talking. This is what, like 15 years ago? No, it was like 10 years ago. She was like massaging me, and I thought she liked me, one of those things, and then she went away,

and this old woman that worked there, I think she was like the manager, was standing next to me, and she was wasted, and she starts tapping me, and she's like playing with my hair or something. I thought it was the other stripper, and so she leans her head into it. I thought she's going to kiss me, so I was like, all right, fine, I'll kiss that girl.

I start making out with her, and I hear Rogan and Eddie Bravo crying, laughing, and they're taking photos of me. I'm like, what the fuck, they're killing it for me, and I open my eyes, and it was this old woman, probably like 82 years old that I was making out with, and Joe has a video of it somewhere. It's pretty disgusting.

And then you found out she had old come and her pussy, and it started going down, and it started just. You didn't smell the copper? Tony, I had a race story this week. A race, did you say race story? Yeah, race, race relations. Race relations are a big deal right now in America. I'm glad that you're talking about it.

Thank you. Things are very tense right now. It's true. And I have opinions, and we all do, and we find that they sometimes conflict, and it's a very tense, hard time. And I was outside my apartment last night, and I was wheeling up to the ramp,

and I saw 10 young African-American men, and one woman, this is a woman, standing at the front toward my apartment, looking in the directory to be led in. 10 black men, one white woman at the front of your building. Yeah. Yes. Now it's very clear they don't live. Right.

I mean, that's clear, and I actually, during quarantine, told this story about another happening where one man, and I did not mention that he was African-American, and he was, and he said, can you let me in that? And I said, no. And he said, pushing inward. And I said, I'm doing my duty to the residents, and there was racial tension.

Because he was black. He was black. Right. And it was guttural, and it was there, and you don't want it. And so last night, 10 black men and one black woman. Oh, it's a black woman or a white woman? Black woman. Oh, OK.

10 black men. Me and Muggin, no smile, and it seemed like rough neck. I'm needing them in the morning, so I got to have a rough night. All right? They were not a smile in the room, and I'm hanging back because I don't know how to deal with this situation right now, because they're obviously trying to get let in, and I can roll up and let myself in and go,

none of you can come in. And that feels weird, but of course, that's what I should do. So I roll up the ramp in the middle of them, and I go, guess who's letting you in? And I open the door, and they don't know what to make of me like no one does, right? And I open the door on my app, and I go, and mom opened the door, and someone's got to hold it for me.

And I let them in, and they're still mean, Muggin, and not breaking. They don't know what to make for me. They definitely don't live there. They're splitting up, and then I zoom away, and I hear one of the gentlemen go, I hear him go, do you know where the elevator is? And I turn back to my mom, and I go,

you know I ain't going to the stairs, and they all started laughing. An empty light went to me, Mug, she smiled, and I saw the princess as she was. Still, none of those people live in London. In fact, having them waiting in the lobby while having one in the elevator. But I know I made a difference.

Hopefully no one got robbed, or worse, but I don't think so. I think it was a plague house party. There you go. And you know what? When they see a guy like me again, maybe there won't be so tense. And maybe I'll chip the fuck out, and maybe we can figure out this ugly shit,

because it ain't going to happen anyway, but being fucking human. That's beautiful. Right on, brother. That's beautiful. And it turns out, you know what? I actually know how this story ends. It turns out they were there to help a white family.

They were helping them move. They, I saw them leaving. I was actually in front of your place. I saw that group of 10 black guys walking out with television sets, and things like that, and stereo equipment. I think they were just helping the white family move. A lot of disability equipment, you know,

realtors and whatnot. Michael Laird, I love you more than I love life itself. You are the best. MichaelLairdComedy.com, Michael LairdComedy on everything. He's doing things, looking good. Young buck, Michael Laird. Let's check out the drawing from Ryan Jebel tonight. That's another episode of Kill Tony with zero audience here.

Look at that. What an incredible fucking drawing. Unbelievable artist. Everybody's there. I'm there. Special Christmas edition. I'm a jack-in-the-box on this one. The great Court McCown looking studly, as always,

a very accurate portrayal of him. And the band is very Christmasy Christmas characters. I love this style on this one. Very fun, very cinematic, adventurous. RyanJebel.com for every single print. Make sure you check that one out. And every print that's ever happened in the history of the show. Guys, how about a hand for the great Court McCown joining us tonight?

Courts on social media at Court McCown. That's C-O-R-T-M-C-C-O-W-N. Correct. Yeah. All right. Yeah, there you go. And what else is going on, Court? Tell us more.

Anything else? Not a whole lot going on right now. COVID's still keeping me indoors, so we'll see. We'll get the golf game. You and I will have the links. My God, this fucking guy drives the ball. What did you say your farthest drive was,

even with the wind behind you that one time? We did 367 one day. 367. Wow. I hit 1-2-60 today. I was very excited about it. Very good. You're coming along finally.

I won. I hit 1-2-60 today. You're going to get there. You'll get there. Ah, how about a hand for the leader of the band, the great Jeremiah Walkins, everybody. Yes, there's the Venmo. Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins.

He's been a very good boy this year. Why don't you tell these people about the creative stuff that you've been doing, the work that you've been doing, instead of the Venmo? Jeremiah Wonders doing a lot of fun episodes on there. Did an episode with Josh out of Myers, Eric Griffin called The Store Sessions. And then there's an episode of Dan Soder of Jeremiah Wonders

and some other great ones coming your way. And Eating Breakfast with Jeremiah, your favorite new show on YouTube, Tony. It is. I just can't get enough of it. I just watch it and eat breakfast right alongside it. William Montgomery, recent guest on the show. Maybe Tony.

Who knows? Yeah, no. Jetski Johnson, everybody was here. She's making unbelievable ornaments, using her creativity and work ethic to make things for you with her hands, the fans. I bought five of them total already. JetskiJohnson.com.

She makes them all summer glass, summer plastic. You get to decide she's an absolute stone cold assassin. I love her to death. What else Jetski? Yeah, check out my website. JetskiJohnson.com. This thing, like, I mean, by the way, if like we were all video game characters,

you know, like some people have this and some people are agile or strong or this and that. Like if we were video game characters on this show, my prediction would be the Jetski would have the highest level, perhaps, of likeability, right? That would be an extremely strong suit. But you, as a Christmas tree with green paint on your face, it's incredible.

This is like the most likable thing I've ever seen in my life. Like I'm glowing. It's incredible. JetskiJohnson.com. How about another hand for Jetski, everybody? I know you're not going to believe this. I found it to be shocking myself. I just got this report.

I just read it. But the entire time I thought it was Mrs. Claus, it was actually Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. What an acting chop. I mean, incredible, incredible acting chops. That's Joel Berg. What's going on, Joel? You know, happy to be here.

We just did some recording with Jeremiah, so that'll come out soon. That was really fun. Happy to see Mikey McCurn and I've known him for like eight years now. It's great to see him. He's mostly sorry. What else, Joel?

That's right. Don't buy your kids a fucking word processor for Christmas. That's it. I love you. The Mostly Sorry podcast available everywhere. The great Chroma Chris, master musician. Bad at 1,000 tonight. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode?

We really slayed it tonight, Tony. You son of a bitch. You did it again. He with a walkoff slayed it joke. Red Band, what else is going on? Check out Desquad.tv. Become a Patreon member for the Brothers and Curse of David Lucas and William Montgomery's podcast.

And check out Dead Air with Brian Holtzman. Desquad.tv. That's right. And I have a Patreon too. Roast Masterclass. And boy, are we knocking out episodes like crazy. I just did one with a writing guru, Conor McSpadden. This guy is from the future.

You might not even know about him yet, but you are going to. This kid could make fun of a fucking brick and destroy. He is unbelievably talented. And I'm excited about what's going on over there. That's patreon.com slash hingecliff. And we have a lot of exciting stuff. I think you're going to look back at this moment week after this episode comes out and be very surprised

at what happens with the state of Kiltony from here. So we will talk to you soon. Good night, everybody.