KILL TONY - #480 - BENJI AFLALO

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

Benji Aflalo, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 11/02/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything gold and pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get off our Tony HinchCliff. Yeah, here we are again. We're doing it again. It's another one. We're here. Feels like a strong crowd. It almost feels like it used to be. It almost feels like 600 people all at once. Or belly room. This is very exciting. We're just chasing a dragon here. It's real, real, real fun. How are you, Brian Red Band? Absolutely awesome. Absolutely awesome. That's good. I'm glad that you're awesome. Very, very exciting stuff happening.

Hey, look, everybody. It's the great Ryan J. Ebelt. He draws every single episode. Wow, look at him. There's the classic nod and point right to the camera that we love. He draws every episode of the show, every single tour poster, and a lot of the new cool designs for some cool shirts, limited edition shirts, and amazing, amazing every single episode. RyanJ. Ebelt.com for those prints has been doing auctions. They've been doing really well. He's absolutely killing it. And he's already, I believe, starting perhaps the outline of what could be tonight's episode. RyanJ. Ebelt.com for that. And you know what? I got to say, I am just filled to the brim with happiness because I have pizza up to the McGillicuddies of my skull thanks to our good friend Charlie

from Vito's Pizza, everyone. What's your ZD account for the week? You know, it's funny you mentioned that I'm actually a zero ZD for the week. I went ZD-less. I went cold turkey instead. And by that, I mean, I got the cold turkey sandwich from Vito's Pizza. Nice. I didn't. They don't have a cold turkey sandwich, but I got the Romeo. You do have a cold turkey? There we go. The big Don. I'm going to try that next time. Is there a Vito's in Burbank? I don't believe there is. You should try to, you should start seeing if you can get a special Postmates or something like that. I'm telling you, it is so addicting. It's absolutely incredible. And Charlie's a great guy. Grace over there. It's an incredible team. And

it's one of my favorite Italian restaurants in all of LA. It actually is my favorite. It jumped everybody. So Charlie's here. The great Gino was here from LA Speedweed and Betterbox Studios, which kept us housed during the pandemic for a bit. Fun times. I think there's even a tape Fletcher somewhere around here from Caveman Coffee. No way. It was tape Fletcher. I haven't seen him yet. Delicious Caveman coffee. Use the promo code Kill Tony and save 15% without a doubt. I know that. I drink it all the time. It gives me so much energy. Sometimes I'll get Vito's pizza. And you know, you get the pizza buzz going on in your head and I just take a couple sips of

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There's a few people here. I'm not going to lie. People at home. There's a few people. There's the comedians. There's our people. You know what I mean? It's getting it's getting it's getting kind of hectic. We have a guest tonight. Everybody very, very exciting stuff. I love this guy. I do too. I mean truly one of my best friends in the world. This guy and I have been hanging out. We've been door guy. We were door guys here together 13 and a half years ago. Me and this guy just tearing tickets, letting people in, trying to do whatever we can to get three minutes or five minutes on the different stages around. And now we're both paid regulars here at the comedy story travels all around the world. He's a annual writer for the comedy central rose. Also the creator and star

of his own show alone together. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my best pals in the world. It's the great Benji Aflalo everybody. Here he is. Here comes Benji. Wow. There he is. Hi, Benji. Hello. How's it going, man? I'm so happy to be here. I know it's exciting, right? I haven't been here in months. I know it feels like feels like the old days. It feels cleaner here. It is cleaner. It feels cleaner. You can feel it and you look so much buffer. I'm buff now. What'd you do? I lift heavy weights. Oh, yeah, that's the trick. Yeah, I was just telling my friend the other day I got the one thing that I'm missing is heavy weights. I'm losing muscle mass very, very quickly because that's the only type of lifting that I like to do heavy. Yeah, come with me. I think I think a lot of reps

are for for the ladies. You know, it wears down your joints to for no reason. Yeah, you've been lifting a lot of these papers though. Look at how many papers. That's right. That's right. That's what I have to do. I can't all the all the on it kettlebells are sold out. So I'm stuck lifting piles of paper. Okie dokie. So we have Benji and Benji. You've been a guest on the show numerous times and you know that there's a band on this show, correct? Heck yes. And you know that every single episode they commit to being different characters. Yes. And that we never know what they're going to be. They've been preparing backstage. Oh, you saw them already? I peeked. Wow. Look at you sneaky little devil. But we don't know what they're going to be. And it might be

new characters that we have never seen before. It might be the return of some old classic characters and we're all going to find out together right now who the band is tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best band in the land. It's the Kiltoni band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris and Jesse, the Jetski Johnson. Wow. Wow. This is very exciting. Lots of flannel. I do believe this might be truck drivers. I have a feeling that these might be truck drivers. I got it. Yeah. Look at this guy. You don't seem like you would be a great truck driver, sir. What's your name? My name is Rustin Fields. Rustin Fields. And how long you've been driving trucks for?

32 years, Tony. 18 wheelers? Yeah, 18 wheelers. Do you have cerebral palsy or something? What's that limp? I got some hip problems. Sometimes I can't feel the right side of my body and then also I've been blind for 20 years. Oh my God, you're blind. You guys might not be able to see at home. Can you lift that hat up a little bit and maybe we could maybe look at that camera with the red light there. Maybe we could see. Can you zoom in a little bit? He's literally blind. David, you know how to zoom in, right? Lift your hat up a little bit there, Rustin. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. He's completely blind. That's ridiculous. How do you drive trucks like that?

It's a seven since I got. Oh my God. Have you ever hit anything? Okay. That's awesome. Well, nice to meet you, Rustin Fields. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Look at this. Is this a female truck driver? Yeah, that's right. What are you a female? I thought I was a guest on this show. Toot toot, you little bitch. Okay. All right. All right. What's your name? Listen, they call me whore wheeler. And let's just say I call an oversized load a load. She's never taken a load on too big. She likes she likes come down. Thank you. Thank you, Rustin wheels. All right. And we have another little truck driver back here. Seems very polite.

Like he rides in the back of the cab sometimes, but you drive trucks. Full license CDL license driver, Tony. Wow. You said license like three times out of six words. That is correct. What's your name? My name is Finn, Finn diesel. Is it Finn, Finn diesel or is it? Finn with an F, F-I-N-D. Okay. And then back here, we have absolutely what appears to be a Latino type of a truck driver. 100% Caucasian. Oh, what's your name? My name's truck Norris. Truck Norris. We have truck Norris, Finn diesel whore wheeler. Yeah, you got it right, buddy. Why would they, why would they, why would they call you that? She's a whore. Yeah, what don't you get? And I dropped drugs. They made all those cum load jokes. I thought it was all pretty clear. Some stuff ain't

nuanced. Tony, it just is what it is. I have a whore wheeler, rhymes with whore wheeler, and I don't see how whore wheeler. Because those are the dicks I'm selecting are the whore wheelers that I'm not driving. Okay. All right. All right. And we got Rustin wheels, blind as a bat, never been in an accident in his life. Benji Aflalo, ready to go. Red Bannon is big wacky soundboard. So, uh, let's start tonight's show. You guys ready for this? I'd like to give a special shout out to, um, a couple people in tonight's audience, because I don't know if I got to do this last week, but I'm going to do it this week for sure. Ladies and gentlemen, here in this audience, two people that were at episode one of Kill Tony

seven and a half years ago, before we traveled the world, before we started selling out the main room every Monday in an unprecedented maneuver. Lainey and Jerry are here, everybody. Look at them. I think one of seven people that were in the audience, our first episode. Yeah, absolutely incredible. And they come every single week since, and they just started coming back. They, uh, you know, it's just super cool because they're, you know, they're, they're a little bit, I don't know, I don't want to say they're older, but they're not like the youngest people in the room. That's for sure. You know, it takes a real set of balls to come out nowadays. It shows their love for the show and we love them as well. So Lainey and Jerry are here and I just wanted to say,

you know, if they catch the Corona virus at a taping of Kill Tony, then they died doing what they loved. You know what I mean? Okey-dokey. Let's, uh, let's start the show. We have five or, uh, yeah, I think we have five people, um, semi pre-selected, pre-tested, temperature checked, and, uh, tested for the Corona virus. We tested all of them. Red Band takes a, a tube and sticks it deep up their nose and runs it. Anyway, I pulled their name out. You know how it works. They get 60 seconds over there on that side microphone to do standup comedy and try their best to be funny. And, uh, then I interviewed them about anything in the world. Maybe I find out more about their personal lives. Maybe I find out, uh, about their standup comedy history and things like that. And

everybody here is going to join me. It's a bunch of truckers in Benji Aflalo. Did you have something that you wanted to say? Rustin wheels? Oh, I don't think he knows that he's staring at me though. You're staring at him. Well, my eyes are on the road right now. So this is it. You guys ready to start the show? Okay. So before we go to the bucket, why don't we kick it off with something special? Ladies and gentlemen, there are regulars on this show and this first comedian doing a brand new never heard before minute of standup comedy is one of our favorites. This is the longest tenured regular in the history of Kiltoni. He's coming off of his second performance ever after his first headlining show in Eureka, California kicking off tonight's show. This is it. This

is the beginning. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the big red machine, the devil's child himself, William Montgomery. You guys like craft beer? I like crafts too. My parents minivan is not where I lost my virginity. But if you could help me find it. I'm actually pretty crafty and by crafty, I mean doing drugs in my parents' carport. Y'all seen Black-ish? I have a new TV show idea called racist-ish. Y'all seen Black-ish? I have a new TV show idea called trans-ish. Y'all seen Black-ish? I have a new TV show idea called I'm Doing Drugs in My Parents' Carport. I love how everyone that hopes Trump goes to hell will probably meet him there. That sound means it's a minute. William Montgomery. William, how are you, man?

I've been better. What's going on? You seem a little disheveled this week. Yeah, I'm totally disheveled. I've continued to make pizzole. I ate some pizzole earlier. How much pizzole have you been eating? I don't know. What is that? He's got a crock pot a couple weeks ago. It's a Mexican dish, aren't you Hispanic? No, I'm not Hispanic. Oh, okay. You looked like it. Oh, my God. You looked that way. Yeah, I heard you the first time you said it. Yeah, okay. I said it again. Okay. Okay, perfect. Have you ever seen William before? Yeah, I've seen him before. We've met outside before. Benji had to pick him out of a lineup. Yeah, you want to see what you look like? Yeah, I thought you were about to say, do you want to say what we did? We kissed.

That's not true. Tell him, tell him. Yeah, we made out one night. I would never kiss you. Stop it. We made out one night. That's not true. Yes, it is. Benji. I'm starting to believe William. We made out one night. My goodness. So William, let's talk about it. Did you just learn what the word craft is this week? Yes. How could you tell? Because you had so many jokes with the word craft in it. You had four jokes and two of them involved the word craft. Did you like it, Benji? It was, I liked it. Yeah. Cool. But it's still like, it's why it brings it up. It's a little repetitive. There's like so many words out there. And you also separate, you like split them up with other jokes. Yeah, that's called stand up comedy. What? I think you have a craftitude problem.

Craftitude, that's another word. Have you seen the movie, The Craft? Yeah. Have you ever listened to the band, Craft Punk? I love Craft Punk. Yeah, what's your favorite song from them? Dancer or Self Clean. What is that? How does that sound? Sing it. That's an LCD sound system song. DLC sound system? It's D.O. Hugley sound system. All right, all right. It's getting out of control. DCL sound system starting D.O. Hugley. I would listen to that. William, how's the drinking been going? It's been good, I pretty much. Thanks, Benji. That's the crazy thing. You started with Benji. I was starting. Why do you say that? I was starting. I've been doing good. And you came at me. Whatever, Benji. We kissed that night. We didn't kiss. Yeah, we did. What kind of kiss was it? Did

you put your tongue in his mouth? I put my tongue in his mouth. No, we didn't. Stop. I'm starting though. You're really getting it. Come on, Benji. I kissed you that night. No, you didn't. And you responded. No, I didn't. I didn't kiss him back and he didn't kiss. Yeah, you did. Make police. Yeah, you did. Stop it. Yeah, you did. Hey, we love each other. No, we didn't. We love each other. No. Yeah, you did. You love me. Leave me alone. I love you. I'm just trying to be a guest. We love each other. Leave me alone. We love each other. All right. All right. All right. Jesus Christ. I thought there would be like a big button coming any second. I thought you guys like maybe pre-planned something or something. It's literally the worst podcasting in the history of podcasts.

It looks like the steroids are working on Benji. Yeah. I don't like your Jonah. Benji! Oh, shit. So William, what else has been happening this week since the last time we saw you? Just a bunch of Pizzole went on. Jeremiah had a music video shoot. That's right. I went on there with him on a boat. My back is burned. Something tells me by the look on Rustin Wheels' face that maybe William like wasn't supposed to mention that or something, or is that just your face? Are you smiling? I can't tell what's happening. You missed some spots on my fucking back. I'm burned badly on my back. Can we see your back? Wait, you put lotion on his back? Did you rub sunscreen on his back?

It was a spray. Don't look at me like that. I didn't touch him. My God. Can we see your back? Can we see the burns? Yeah, let's see it. Yeah, let's see. How many of you want to see William's back, huh? My God. Wow. Oh my goodness. Where's the burns at? Oh, I see it. You all see that? It's not really that bad, William. It's just a placey. How is your stomach in the way of your back? Huh? I've been losing weight. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, you look great. That's what I was just about to say. Thank you, Benji. Yeah, I was right about to just say how awesome you look. And Benji, I was about to say how awesome you look. Thank you. I have missed you. Oh, I think you guys are about to kiss again. I've missed you.

Hold on a second. How have you been losing weight? What have you been doing to lose weight? A sit-up machine. Is that a machine? You watch do sit-ups? How does the machine? How does the YouTube video? I watch somebody do sit-ups on a machine. No, really. I've lost, I don't know, 15 pounds recently. How many sit-ups do you think you can do? God, probably 400. Okay, okay. Can we see you do 400? Can we get some sit-up? It's going to take a while. Can we get some sit-up music for William? It's going to take a while. I'll do some. Okay. General Zach Bogus, you want to like hold his feet or something? Nothing better than holding William Montgomery's feet during a global pandemic. There's some good sit-up. Wait, square up to the camera, William.

There you go. Yeah, like that. But William, every time you come up, every time you come up for a sit-up, look directly at that camera, okay? That one over there, the one with the red light. Here he goes. William Montgomery will now perform 400 sit-ups. Zoom in a bit. Oh yeah, look at that. Look at that camera. Look at the camera, William. How funny this looks. This is podcasting history right here. If you don't tell your friends to listen to every episode of this show after this, and this is just the beginning. Does Joe Rogan have people do sit-ups on his show? No. All right. I believe he's at eight or nine and boy, the castle is crumbling over there. Big trouble. Oh, he's done. There it is. There you go. There you go. That's it. How many did

we get off there? There's like six or seven. Maybe 11 or 12. Was anybody counting? There was six. I think he's got a fat tire there. There he goes. Look at that. Look at the struggle to get up. This is actually the best part of the entire thing. That was actually the real sit-up was him just sitting up. He's having serious problems right now. I'm starting to think he's semi-retarded. Oh, that's a semi-joke. Whoa. William, are you okay? He throws up a kidney. Who said that? It was your favorite lover boy, Benji. I'm kidding, Benji. I knew it was you. I knew you were kidding. That's why I didn't respond.

Are we hanging out after this or? Who's the next one? What? Yeah, no, this is it. That was it. William, you're so goddamn charismatic and you're so much gosh, darn fun. You know that? Hey, can I add something to one of your jokes? Your blackest joke, the third one, when you say something about the carport, you should be like carport-ish. Okay, I'll think about that because everything was ish-ish and then you said something like, and hanging out with my mom. I'll think about it. I'll think about it. Thank you. William, have you started drinking again? Nope. So you've been sober. You're the only guy that I know that gets sober and starts to look more drunk every week after that. He was drinking. I'm not drinking.

I stopped. On the boat near Saturday. No, I wasn't. Are you lying? No, I wasn't. Tony, you know last week when I was real loud in the green room? Yeah. I had brought Chris a gift of beers. Oh, come on. And William stole two of them. Come on. William, what the fuck? I paid you for that. Yeah, I know, but I just had to tell everybody. But not until you got cut. I paid you for that. Until you got cut. All right. You're supposed to drink. You're supposed to. It's okay. Thank you, Benji. No one wants to look at you and think you don't drink. Like, you drink. What does that mean, Benji? It means like you drinking is the way the world works. What does that mean, Benji? It means like Niagara Falls is water falling from one place

to another. And I love it. That was a good illustration of that. Benji's one of my smartest, funniest friends. I'm saying accept yourself. And I think he just nailed you really well. And if you didn't drink, I'd be even more worried that you look like that. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the comedic stylings of the great, the powerful William Montgomery. There he goes, everybody. On to the next one we go. Not wearing a hat this week. That was weird. Yeah, bold maneuver. Showing his lump. Yeah, he's got a lump in his skull. Have you ever had that checked out by an actual Dr. William? Oh, wow. All right. This is very exciting. This young lady,

I believe, made her stand-up comedy debut exactly one year ago to the day of today in San Francisco at Kill Tony Mania. This past weekend was scheduled to be the return of Kill Tony Mania, our big, huge annual event. This young lady's son was on the show and he absolutely bombed. I believe he said that his mom was funnier than he was. I called her up and she was indeed funnier than her son. Since then, for an entire year, she has been preparing a new official minute long set of stand-up comedy and she's going to debut it right now. Here, live in the main room of the comedy store. It's Laura Liu. Here's Laura Liu. Okay, I've been practicing and practicing. My husband, VMF, he's always picking fights with me.

I have to look at him and say, honey, how's it going? Laura, stop, stop, stop. You have to talk right into the microphone. You have to talk right into the tip of that microphone. It's a clean microphone. Right here? Yeah. All right, let's start it one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, Laura Liu. Here we go. Here comes Laura. Oh, and I crumble. Here's Laura Liu. Okay, my husband, bastard motherfucker, he's always picking fights with me and I have to look at him and go, but bastard, are you healthy enough to have makeup sex? So what's better than makeup sex? Restraining order makeup sex. So he asked me the other day if I knew what a mulligan was and I said, yeah, he's the guy that keeps doing it over and over again, right? So back in the day,

when you wanted to get something green to smoke, you'd have to go down to the trestle or somewhere sketchy. So I sent him off to get me something to smoke and he came back and says, open your hand and I opened it up and he drops this big green grasshopper in my hand. I looked at him and said, bastard motherfucker, I said big green bud, not big green bug. So I'm not knocking on my bucket list and I did skydiving last week and he sends me off in the plane and says, darling, I'll be praying for you and I had to stop and think, what exactly are you going to be praying for? And so I love the camo pad. I went to the store, I looked around, I couldn't find any, kept bumping into people wearing camo. I said, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you.

Wow, look at that. How adorable is she? I mean, wow. Trombos when you are not here. Hi, Laura. How you doing? Welcome back. The restraining order, makeup sex, true story. Wow, I was just about to ask about that. I got you again, didn't I? Yeah, that was hilarious. So you got a restraining order on somebody or what? My ex-husband, yes. And so he came over to get the rest of the stuff out of the house and one thing led to another and there we were on the living room floor going. Damn, on the floor. Is that carpet or hardwood? I believe it was carpet. Wow, that's nice. I got the burns to prove it. There you go. Absolutely. Wow, you still got them, huh? Yeah. My goodness. So was there a certain

distance that he had to stay away? I believe it was 100 yards or 100 feet, but who was counting at that point? Right, exactly. And then after he was done, were you like restraining orders still on? I just let him get his stuff and get on. Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Okay, well, that's fun. How long ago did that happen? Of 35 years. A long time ago, 35 years, probably. And what's your, what's your love life like now? You're a beautiful, for those of you just listening to the podcast, I mean, she is a beautiful young lady. Laura Lu looks like if Elizabeth Warren was actually Native American. It's true, Tony. She is the most beautiful woman

I've ever seen in my life. Well, the last time you said it was a cross between Warren and Bernie Sanders. You do. You look like both Elizabeth Warren and Bernie. So you look like the Democratic super god. Goddess, thank you. But at the same time, you sort of look like Mitch McConnell as well. Well, you get out of town. Don't talk to me about that. Look like Tom Petty and Samuel Adams. So when the band came out, I feel like you look like you've been getting molested by the same guy for 70 years. 40 years, I'm sorry, 25 years. What did you get the restraining order for originally? Something you're familiar with, overdrinking and, you know, oh, overdrinking. You know about this, right? Hell, yeah, dude, this is my future, Tony.

Have you ever driven a truck before? No, not really. What do you do for work? What would you do? What about a stick shift? You work at a cigarette store? No, I work for Safeway in the deli. Safeway, I was so close. Safeway is a place where a lot of people get their cigarettes. Yeah, she drives a flat bread. Do you smoke? Yes, I do. We used to smoke as well. And then we started chewing Lucy nicotine gum. Yeah, I was interested in it. And it's my namesake too. When she works in the deli, do you smoke meats or do you smoke? I sell the smoked meats. Oh my goodness. Look at you. And you smoke a lot of marijuana, huh? Oh, you bet. How do you like to smoke? I feel like you have like a bong that looks like a corn pipe. Yeah. Well, actually, no, it's an antler pipe,

and so I like the flower. I have my night flower and my day flower. And you were probably around back when people were smoking, like a Vietnam style. Back in the Dallas Chaplin days. Wow, really? Yeah. What's your favorite concert you've ever been to? Charlie Chaplin. I think when we went to Beethoven's 470. The Us Festival, and no one's old enough to remember this back in 40 years ago, and we went to the country version of it with Hank Williams Jr. and Willie Nelson. Rumor has it that I'm Willie Nelson's second cousin. I can see it. I can actually see that. I don't know if a lot of people tell you that. You look like Tilly Nelson. Tilly Nelson, there you go. Do you play any musical instruments or sing or anything that you seem

like you might play the spoons or the hand bone? Nope. No. You ever play the hand bone? I know. You know what the hand bone is? No. You don't even know? You know what the hand bone is, right? Oh, yeah. Look at this. So stupid, but that's what it is. How long you've been playing hand bone for Truck Norris? Well, since ever since I saw Willie Nelson and Hank Williams, it's been a long time. 50 years? 60 years? 40? How many of you don't sing? How many of you don't sing? Has anybody ever told you you look like you're dressed for your first day of school? So when the band first came out, you said there were truck drivers. I thought there were Trump

supporters. Oh, shit. You look like the only fest you go to is the Grand Wizard of Oz Fest. Oh my goodness. Wow. Finn, Finn Beasel dropping bombs over Baghdad back there. My goodness. So what do you do for fun nowadays, Laura Lu? What's your favorite thing to do after smoking pot? You seem like a crossword puzzle specialist. Actually, I do a lot of puzzles online. Thank you. And, you know, the crowd used to go crazy when I would guess things like that. Yes. I don't do a whole lot anymore with this COVID thing going on. You know, we were already pre-recluse anyway. It's the hell to get Bastard Motherfucker out of the house, just go for a drive. So I'm just a homebody. And, you know, I'm a little scared about going

out when I'm surprised that I'm even here because I'm old. When you go to your hair stylist, do you ask for the Jar Jar Banks? Wait, is this another one? Is this one of Redband's 6 Impressions? Are we up to that? Redband's Impressions. Redband's Impressions. There's only six of them. Hey! You got a Jar Jar Banks? We's are going to get a haircut. Oh my goodness. Impressions. Only six of them. Hey! Starring Aphrodite as Jar Jar Banks. Oh, I miss Aphrodite. It's been a long time. Hopefully we'll get to see her soon. I'm sorry. Let me get this one question out. Do you do any Impressions, Laura? No. Nothing. Really? No. That's where I'm at. Nothing. Nothing. Really? Never.

First Impressions. Last Impression. It's like character work. Yeah. Character work. Pretend you're like a business woman. Yeah. Can you do an Impressions? I do a good Impression of Bastard Motherfucker. I don't know. I'm tired of it. Oh, I love you. I'm sorry. I'm in love with you. I'm so glad that I'm behind a table so that nobody can see my complete erect penis right now. Well, yeah, Tony, can we bring up the elephant in the room? I kissed this woman in San Francisco. That's right, which leads me to believe the only thing better than kissing a year ago in San Francisco is kissing again now tonight during the coronavirus. You should go kiss her again. Give her a kiss. Give her a kiss. The crowd's chanting. No, thank you.

Put your beard on. Put your beard on. Put your beard on. Listen, we got a glory hole back today. No, it's okay. When we met you, your son was the actual person that signed up for the show and did comedy and failed and you came up and did way better. Now is your son still doing comedy? Is he or has he given up on this? I think he's given up on that. Thank God. There you go. That's what happens when your mom's funnier than you in front of a sold-out San Francisco super, super show. That's basically it. Well, he had the ulterior motive of doing the Mexican drum off. He did. He wasn't really interested in the comedy. And that was a lot of fun. And let me just remind everybody that that was one of the all-time great Mexican drum offs. I do believe I

remember, what was the big button on your thing that night, Truck Norris? Was it dildo? You threw the dildo at him? I came out with a salad bowl with a dildo inside of it. He was eating a salad. Yeah, he was eating a salad with tongs. I kicked his ass with pierce gild and I kissed his mother in front of him. How could I forget? You kissed his mother to end the drum solo. Did your son say anything about that night on the way home? Was he upset? No, he agreed that I was a rock star and he's very proud of me. And you did it again tonight, Laura Lou. It's incredible. I love that you prepared a minute to actually do. You have a cool style. You keep it in your own voice. A lot of fucking cocksuck and motherfuckers and all that other shit that you said. I like that. You're not

trying to be something that you're not. It's super cool. And I think everybody enjoyed it, right? Laura Lou. Thank you. All the way from Spokane, Washington. There goes Laura Lou, everybody. Thank you, Laura. There she goes. Though I try to hide it. How exciting is that? So exciting. Is that Jar Jar or is that? Oh, yeah. Did we just find? Wait, is that it? Was it? Oh, yeah. Yes. No. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. This is a new name, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, a first. I didn't play yet. Don't you look at me. You're the leader of the band. They weren't following me. He's playing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it is her first time ever on the show. Make some noise for Jill DeSousa, everybody. Jill DeSousa. Here we go. Jill DeSousa. Hello. Do I just start now? Oh, hi, everyone. So recently, I went on a vacation with my ex-boyfriend to Cuba. We were walking down the street there. Everyone was yelling, Madicone, Madicone. And I thought that was the name of the street. If you speak Spanish, it's definitely not the name of the street. And then I got back and I was telling my friend about it. And I was like, we were walking down the beautiful Madicone. She was like, you know, Madicone means bag it, right? So don't go to Cuba

with the dude that only shops at J Crew. When I was seven, I saw nudes for the first time. But the thing is, it's also the first time me and my brother saw my mom's nudes for the first time. Yeah, it was a really big bummer. The first time he saw vagina in real life, he was probably like, fuck. So when I was a kid, I was pretty bad. My mom would literally put me on probation so that she didn't have to talk to me. So my, okay. You want to finish it? You want to finish it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So while I was pissing in a cup, my probation, officer Gary would be watching me and would be like, your mom wants to know if you're coming to Thanksgiving. She doesn't want you to come though. Two, three, four.

Hey, Jill. This is a. Hi, Jill. How are you? Hi, I'm great. This is your first time on the show. Correct? Yeah, yeah. How long you been on stand up comedy for? Three years. Three years. We're at all of it here in Los Angeles. No, I just moved here actually from New York. Why? You moved here in May. Yeah. Cause stuff was getting crazy there and you, there's something you've always wanted to do. Yeah. My lease was about to be up and I was like, if not now, then one, you know. Cool. Do you have, do you have friends out here and stuff? I'm making friends. I didn't know anyone when I moved here though. So I'm making friends though. It's cool. I like here. What part of town did you decide to move to? Koreatown. Koreatown. Now, Benji, not a lot of people know this,

but Benji is a real estate specialist on top of a many, many, many, many amazing qualities. What do you, what do you think about the market of Koreatown nowadays, Benji? Everyone thinks cause you're Jewish, you know everything about real estate everywhere all the time. I don't know. I don't, my nose starts growing. I definitely know. Let's just say one time Benji showed me a house to Todd Phillips. He's like, you want to come over and show a house to Todd Phillips, the director of the hangover. And I was like, hell yeah. And that was just an average day of hanging out with Benji. No, I mean, that doesn't happen every day, but that's a true story.

Benji doesn't look like a landlord to me. Thank you. What do you, what do you think he looks like? I thought he was Vinny from Jersey Shore, like when I first saw him. Look at that. You've been confused for both a Latino and an Italian so far. I'm 11% Italian. You are? According to my 23 and me on me, I'll parts Sicilian. I could see that. My goodness. So what's the, what's the other 89% you know what it is? And what, what's your ethnicity, Jill? I'm Guyanese. Guyanese. Yeah. Half white. Wrong continent.

You look like Shakira's cousin. Oh, thank you. My seventh grade bus driver used to say the same thing. Actually, is that a Shakira beat? Yeah, my son, my bitch. Wait a second. I'm very interested to notice that Rustin wheels a blind truck driver. I think I just heard him do somewhat of a Shakira. Are you a fan of Shakira? Man, I love Shakira and you sing along with her song sometimes. Yeah, me sometimes. What does it sound like when you do? Very good wheels. Very good. Okay. Okay. All right. Rustin, Rustin, relax. Jesus. I really enjoyed that. Thank you. All right. So Jill, so you've been here since made you have a job? I do. Yeah. What do you do for work? I am a innovation expert for a fortune 100 company.

That's on the, what exactly? You're in a cult. Yeah. What do you do? What does that mean? Innovations? I do corporate innovation. So like new products, services, I interview a lot of people to learn like what products we should be making, stuff like that. I have a real job. Must be nice. Unbelievable. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies? I mean, I do comedy. Other than that. Yeah. Yeah. I hang out with my dogs. I mind my own business. I have a golden doodle and a blue tick hound. A golden doodle. Yeah. What exactly is a golden doodle? A golden retriever, golden retriever and a poodle mix. He's actually calling in right now. Oh, he's all alone. His name is Bogart. He's really cool. All right. You said you're Dianese?

Yeah. What is that? What are your parents from there? My dad is. Do any of them remember Jonestown? They were there for that. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But they were, it was kind of far from where they lived. I mean, they didn't have a car. So, you know, it's kind of far when you're walking. So you guys not carry Kool-Aid in the house because of that. Yeah. They get a little triggered in the Kool-Aid aisle. You moved to LA with two dogs and no friends. Yeah. You drove here with two dogs? Yeah. It was not a country album. I don't know what the hell it was. How was that long drive? How was that? It was nice. I was cooped up in my apartment in Crown Heights for like months. So it was actually really nice to get out. I just saved up. Had you saved up or like

to move? To move. Yeah. Not really. I mean, I have a job still. So I'm remote. So like, I just turned on my computer. Did you stay places? Did you stay certain places around across the country when you made that drive? Yeah. You stopped at any truck stops? A lot of red roof ends. You hit the roof. What's the longest you've ever driven, Rustin? Four to three days straight. Four to three days without any rest? Yeah. Were you blind then too? Blind is bad. Wow. You could tell he's blind. He reminds me so much of my stepdad. Like, same person. Yeah. What qualities does your stepdad possess? Lazy eye. He was a truck driver. Big cock. Oh my goodness, Rustin. All right. Have you never seen your stepdad's cock? Have you ever seen your stepdad's penis? Um, no. Thank God, no.

What about his cock? What about his cock? Never mind. Okay. There you go. I'm sorry. These guys are truck drivers. They're very... Okay, you don't have to play a beat every time. No. No, no, no. All right. They keep asking about cocks and they go to Shakira for an hour. Okay. Jesus. Rusty actually has a tiny cock. He's just never seen it, so he thinks it's huge. Wow. Is this true? Have you two ever hooked up? Oh, yeah. Just did it once. Yeah. What happened? Oh, it was more than once. I just did a little role-playing and he didn't know the difference. Wait, what? You've been raping me while I'm in blind? I'm a whore-wheeler, baby. Oh my God. Beautiful. She's a lot lizard. Jill, is there any other...

Fun facts about you that we should... Okay. Jill, are there any wild fun facts about you that we should know? Any special skills or talents or anything that you've ever done before? No, I'm sorry. I'm not... You speak to your Guyanese parents a lot? My dad? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, my dad's the best. And does he... What language does he speak? English. It's an English-speaking country. Oh, that's right. Yeah, just a nice, thick accent, you know. What does he sound like? Can you do an impression of him? Oh, it's like really West Indian. I don't want to do it. Red Band. You do... Red Band's famous for his impressions. Why don't you do an impression of her West Indian sounding father? Impressions from Red Band. Channel like Jamaican. I guess I gotta

get out of here. Spot on. Spot on. Really good. All right. Jill, so much fun. Congratulations on your first ever Hill Tony set. Hopefully, you'll come back another time and do it again. I shall. Thank you, guys. Jill De Souza, everybody. There she goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's that time, everybody. It's time for another regular. This young man, truly one of my favorite comedians in the world. He has a podcast with the guy you saw earlier, the great William Montgomery, called Brothers in Cursive. They have the new Patreon that's out there killing it. I've been looking at clips of that. I'm a member of the Patreon. Everybody knows I support everybody. Oh, yeah? You are? Yeah. I'm on the Patreon. I buy ornaments

from Jet Ski. I support everybody here on Kill Tony. Any way that I can. And here he is, one of my favorite comedians, a great roaster. It's the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. I went to a strip club in Tijuana. They had some really young ass hoes. They were so young, they were doing homework in between dances. They were like, Hey, when it's over 10, do you carry the one or what? I think I'm the only person that think Trump has a big dick. Trump has big dick energy. Nobody talks that much shit and have a small dick. When he got out of the hospital from COVID, this motherfucker got on Instagram and said, Hey, America, it's your favorite president, Donald J. Trump. Like, can you imagine you do that shit in real life to your girl and you ain't got the

biggest dick that she fucking shit? Like, if you don't get your goofy ass out of here, that's why I know Trump got a big dick. He really speaks by what Winston Churchill said, speak softly and carry a big stick. And that's my time. Shit. Absolutely. That's it. Did it again. Hey, should I say or should I go now? Yeah. Hello. What's up, bro? That was great. I love that. Yeah, I appreciate it. I got my new. I'm starting a new party, though. A party? Yeah, for like, like a political party. Yeah. Wow. What is it? Fats for Trump. Oh, I like that. I like that. So just people for Trump. No fact. Trump has a few if you healthy supporters out there. Yeah, yeah, autumn X Marines. You got to be goddamn right. Marines Army, Navy. Oh yeah, X Marines are all doing really great.

Well, I mean, anyway, I always thought it was called small dick energy. Like that's why he's acting like. No, that's people who ride e-bikes. It is. This is an interesting look tonight, David. You got roasted by a pocket square. It is incredible. It looks like somebody melted crayons inside of a pumpkin. What you got on there? You got on some scuba diving tuxedo. That is that I'm actually going scuba diving. You look like a hippy jack-o-lantern. You're doing too much with your ghetto ass. Thank you for that stupidized Abraham Lincoln beard. Oh, man, you made him sick to his stomach. Tony looked like he going to the prom under the sea.

I actually that's actually what I'm doing right after this. I'm going to the prom with Sandy Squirrels. I have to scuba dive to get there. I mean, what is that? Where do you even find something like that? The Beverly Center Lincoln Polo. You went to that Polo? Yeah, but it should be like $200. Oh my God. Was it that much because of all the extra material that they needed to make it? Was that El Polo? The only way you could justify it is by the price. Hold on. Let Redbad do his joke. It was real good. That's all right. That was a very good joke. I know it was good. Redbad said it's an El Polo. Now we're talking to everybody just like every week. No, it's good. This is great. I think,

what were you saying? El Pollo Loco? That was a funny ass joke. It was. It was good. That was great. It does. It sort of looks like, remember Chee-Chees? Remember the wallpaper in Chee-Chees? I used to go to Chee-Chees all the time in my family. I love that. What is Chee-Chees? Chee-Chees was like white people's Mexican food. And how old were you when you found out what Chee-Chees meant? Remember when you're like, my dad used to go, it means boobies. I was still breastfeeding when I found out that's what it meant. We didn't have Chee-Chees here. I know. You had actual fucking good El Polo, which was fun. Remember El Polo? Yeah, I like that. Hey, bitch, you still got that old school mustang? I once ate mushrooms and it was in a Baja Fresh.

Baja Fresh on mushrooms changes you. You can't eat Baja Fresh again after that. Baja Fresh straight, bro. By the way, it wasn't like a fun amount of mushrooms. It was like, I just ate the mushrooms and was starving. Best Mexican food, though, for real, though, when shit opened back up, bro, salsa and beer in the valley. Oh, I heard that. I've got it to go. You gotta get it. You gotta get it. Bro, they got the best Mexican food dog. You can take a family of five for a hundred dollars. Big portion. Oh my goodness. And that's how much you eat. So that's perfect. You know that. Exactly. Family of five for a hundred bucks. That's great. How was the Mexican food in the Children's Strip Club in Tijuana you went to?

Yeah. Oh, that's it. They had El Polo Chicken Duggies. That shit was trash. Really? No, that shit really happened, bro. I went up in the strip club in TJ and them hoes looked real young and I was like, I'm getting no fucking... You're not supposed to say that. I know. I mean, seriously. How much was the Fisher price of them? I left the Fisher price. Well, at least the strippers had to be... You had chicken nuggets. You didn't leave. Did it have one of them signs that said, you must be this tall to strip on stage? You had to solve a riddle. Instead of a pole dance, they were doing a monkey bar dance. Okay. They were playing Taylor ball with their little titties.

David, what else you've been doing this week? Hop Scotch, bitch. Shit. What did I do? I did some shows in Vegas this past weekend. What route did you take? The airplane route. Where'd you do Vegas? Where in Vegas? I can't think of the name of the club, but I couldn't even post a flyer because they were one of them type shit. Yeah. They wouldn't even let me post a flyer. Was it a good audience? Was there a good turnout? Bro, it was way too many people in there for COVID, but it was a great turnout. Wow. It was a room for about 80 and they probably had like 120 in there. Jesus. Did I feel safe? Thank you for being here tonight. Well, I stayed... I stayed on the stage.

Can you lick the mic? I stayed on the stage until they cleared the room. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was like, I ain't doing no beat and greet with all these international motherfuckers. Oh yeah. Right. But yeah, it was like, so the dressing room was until you came right. It's like this. You came right out of the dressing room, but you had to go this way to exit the club. And I was like, come get me when y'all empty that motherfucker. I know what club you're talking about. Do you remember when Trump was just sitting on stage and he still caught COVID? Did y'all see the black guy in Macon, Georgia, my hometown crowd surfing out that bit at the truck rally? You got damn right. Hell yeah. That thing was out that big like it was around.

It was the first time I swam. Hey, bro. Let me tell you, black people in Macon can swim, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Because we got Lake Tobosofke. What's it called? Lake Tobosofke. Lake Tobosofke. T-O-B-E-S-O-F-K-E-E. Wow. Toby is in that. Okie-dokie. I spelled Toby. Wait, can I get another shot at that? Sure. Go right ahead. I spelled Tobosofke without Toby. Not as good. All right. Is that a reference to the movie Roots? Exactly. Thank you. You got it. Why didn't everybody else? Because it's racist, Joel. God damn. You're damn right it is. I'm a truck driver. My name ain't Joel. It's truck Norris, bitch. Ok. Well, David, I mean incredible stuff. I love it. I agree with

you. I think Trump has big dick energy as well. Did you see the way that he danced? Did you see people? I saw a compilation of people mimicking the dance. Like it became like a real thing. It's a compilation. They don't got as much swag as him, bro. Right. You know, I defend my boy everywhere I go. You know what I'm saying? Somebody was arguing me the other day talking about Trump had a loan of a million dollars from his daddy. And I was like, nigga, can I give you a hundred dollars right now and you bring me back a thousand? Right. Like, you can't make a billion out of a billion if you wanted to, bro. It still takes some level of geniusness. It is very, very true. He is a, he is a, and I read an article the other day that said he's a

billion dollars in debt. And then, and then if you get to the middle of the article, it says, yeah, he's a billion dollars in debt, but he's worth 3.5 billion dollars. So he's worth 2.5 billion dollars, which, which, but they, they mentioned that at the middle end of the article, which is the part right where liberals quit reading. All I know is his stakes are great. That's it. The crazy thing about the taxes, bro, I just like information. Don't try to base something off of headlines. When they say he only paid 475 in taxes, the previous year he paid, he prepaid 50 million. Right. And he pays more in property taxes than most human beings. All right, ladies and gentlemen, with the election coming up, it's a hot button issue. There goes David Lucas, everybody. Hey.

Benji, did you already vote? Are you going to vote? Um, yeah, I voted. Okay. You already voted? Yeah. Oh, we know what that means. He's riding for button. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, his first time on kill Tony, he's very excited. Put your hands together for Cody held HELD. Cody held dessert. You never gonna never gonna Here's Cody held everyone. All right. All right. What do do boys? Um, so we're going to start this off with so you guys know how all those magicians love to do disappearing acts. Well, my dad's the best magician out of that man fucking disappeared for 16 goddamn years. Still hasn't come down to

this day. You know, he said he was going to go buy cigarettes at a Walmart, but I'm pretty sure you got lost in fucking Ikea because he is still gone, man. I'm telling you Walmart is a hell of a drug. And if you get lost in that bitch, well, you're just like my dad gone forever. Now, if you guys know, uh, you guys know the app Twitter, you guys know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So can you just talk about how Twitter's fucking users make that shit look more toxic than goddamn Chernobyl? Like, have you seen the radiation levels that fucking come out of those people's mouths? God damn, bro. My ex was less, less toxic than that. Holy shit. Like, and that bitch told me to fucking kill myself. All right. I'm telling you,

she's fucking wild. So, uh, and there's my time. Cody, how do you think that went? How do you think that was? Oh, fucking terrible. Why do you think it was so bad? Because he didn't grow up with a dad who like taught him how to see right there just like that, bro. Daddy issues. It fucks up your life. What's in your ear? Definitely not a headphone. Is that a headphone? Totally. Is somebody whispering that said to you right now? Uh, yeah, totally. It's the FBI agents telling me to fucking, uh, say this retarded ass shit. Wow. Cody, why do you look at the ground when you talk like that? He's blind like me. Actually, quite literally, this light is fucking killing me right now. Look directly in it.

That's what you're supposed to do. That's how you get used to it. Yeah. If you ever want to make it, you got to look directly into the light, bro. Do I look like and if you ever get in like a car accident or anything and you see a bright light that you look directly at it, you walk towards it. You say, take me. Hey, tell me twice, man. I'll go right, right for that. What part of Orange County are you from? Good question. Orange County, uh, Huntington Beach. How the hell did you know that? Orange County. No doubt about it. They can't make eye contact and they seem weird as fuck. And they have Bluetooth headphones. Yeah. I got these Bluetooth from my grandma for Christmas last year. I haven't taken them out since they're stuck in there.

Nothing but wax and Bluetooth. Honestly, I think there's more wax in this headphone than there is a freaking candle. Why don't you take it out when you're not using it? Uh, because I'm always using it. Let's be real here. What are you listening to right now? Um, some rock. I'm listening to the blue oyster cult right now. Yes. During that whole performance and on a podcast, you're listening to a song. Perhaps. So where do you draw the line? Like let's say Joe Rogan had you on his podcast. Would you be? What's up? Whoa, we got another impression from Red Band. That's a great Joe Rogan. I was going to say, who's that Joe Rogan? Get on it.

All right. I mean, you guys don't mind. I can do an impression too. Oh yeah. Who can you do an impression of? Aussies, Australia, Russians, Russians. Okay, let's hear your Australian impression. This should be amazing. Oh, Cranky mate, do you see that fucking crackle over there? Do you see that motherfucking? Okay, let's hear some Russians. Oh, I got this. I got this. I got this. I got it. Oh, I got it. I promise. I promise. This crocodile's Russian, mate. The fuck you suck. All right. All right. Here we go. Ready? Oh, I'm dead. What a comrade, dude. Do you see the fucking AK over there?

Fucking the Stoilins AK. That motherfucker has seen more wars than your fucking entire generation. That's Russian? That's Russian? Sounded Irish a little. Totally Irish. Do I look like that? That was Scottish for sure. Scottish. All right. Can you do a black guy? Go right ahead. Jump right into it as fast as you can. Oh, I can't. Oi, matey. I'm coming to get you people right now. Oi, matey. Shut the fuck up. Fucking send you to the goddamn crocs. All right. Wait, what was that? Oh, that was fucking Aussie. That was Aussie. That sounded Russian. All right. Listen, listen, listen. I get my fucking racist mix more than my goddamn family. Do an impression of Aussie Osborne now.

I can. That's Aussie Osborne. If he was Australian, go. You listen to music all the time. You can do this. I look like I listen to fucking Aussie. Um, actually, yes. That's this thing that he likes to say back. I noticed. Do I like, do I look like I all the things that you are? Yes, by the way, take a breath, close your eyes, pretend you're a warped tour. Warped tour. God, I haven't heard that name in a fucking long time. All right, let's see. Fucking Aussie. Damn it. You've got this. I got this. They're playing it. You don't need to listen to it. I don't even know this song, bro. All right. Put on some crazy train. Put on some crazy train. I

got you. That's crazy. How old are you? I'm 23, bro. 23. Wow. My goodness. And what do you do for work? I'm actually a Twitch streamer. You're a Twitch. What? Twitch streamer. Yeah. Play games. What are you streaming fortnight? Oh, God's no. He's streaming crack cocaine. He's just a tweaker. He said, God, he said crack cocaine, bro. I show the fucking kids how to do it in an early age. It's either animal crossing or war zone. What is it called? It's actually CSGO. What is it? CSGO, Counter Strike Global Offensive. Wow. I don't know anything that's happening. That's like one of the oldest games. Oh yeah. It's really fucking like 90s. Yeah, I played it with your parents. I mean, your mom. No, I live on my own. Really? Yeah. How do you

afford to live on your own? No, that's my job. You make a lot of money twitching. I'm not twitching. Yes, I make just enough to live on my own. Is that not the right terminology? What are you doing? You can call it twitching. I'm a fucking twitching motherfucker. You call it streaming? Yeah, that's what we call it. He just laughed in your face like you're an idiot. I was surprised. I was like, what's the right term? I'm an old man compared to these fucking kids. Listen, I'm an idiot too. We get used to these things. No, no, no, I'm not an idiot. I'm an old man. Don't get a twisted fucking twitcher. Old man, old man. He didn't love you in the same category and then you didn't like that at all. Yeah, don't worry. I'm an idiot from Orange County too.

What's your twitch stream account? What's your name? It's a simple stupid. No, yeah, we're just a couple of simple stupid things. You know what I mean? What do you do when you're not twitching? You have any fun hobbies? You skateboard or anything like that? Meth and cocaine. Is that true? Have you ever done drugs before? Other than weed? No, no. We're talking about hobbies though. I mean games is pretty much my only hobby. Music while this night of your life. What was that like? Oh, wildest night of my life. All right, I got this. So party is about 100 people at the very least. I'm out here down in German boot glass one by one. There's at least nine of these. By the end of the night, I have found out I fucking bent the guy's

support beam to his house to a 90 degree angle because I thought the fucking pole was talking shit to me. Yeah, it was a fucking wild. I was running into this thing. That's it. And then what happened? One time I did cocaine and jerked off to feed porn for four hours. Wait, is that Joel? Dude, I do that without the trucker guy. That's the trucker guy. Definitely not Joel. No, it's a trucker guy, man. Yo, yo, yo, I don't even know what people. That was all the specific truckers. Yo, yo, I do that. I do that. That was at least specific and sounded a lot like Joel. No, that ain't it, man. One time I did meth and joined a Christian church for two years, man. What is foot porn like for four hours? I mean, what? I mean, it's big, man.

I could probably guess the size just by looking at it at this point. Foot lockers in my future. You know what I'm saying? So wait, your name on Twitch is simple, is stupid? No, simple, stupid. No space. No is just simple, stupid. But is it spelled with two O's? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. You have 238 followers. Yes, sir. And you survive on and you survive making a living off that. Your most recent video has eight views. Listen, I'm on a hiatus right now. All right. You're what? I'm on a hiatus. I'm taking a break to myself, okay? A hiatus is a break from telling the truth to people. Right. Yo, listen, all right, that is actually my job. I live on my own. I fucking promise this. Do your parents pay your bills? My parents are dead, but yeah, totally. Both of your parents

are dead? Yeah. Wow. I can't believe your dad left you and still killed himself. Dude, everyone wants to kill themselves around me. You get used to it. How did your parents die? I don't know. A fucking car accident from what I remember. Really? Yeah. Same time or two different car accidents? Same time. Same time. Wow. Where were you? So your dad didn't really abandon you? At home, thankfully, with my grandma. So your dad never abandoned you? I mean, if you count dying as abandonment, yeah, pretty much. No, you don't. No, no, no, I do. I do. When he left, when he died? You said he went and got cigarettes and never came back. You never mentioned because he killed his wife and your mother in a car accident. Now, what if he was driving to go

get those cigarettes? Was he? Yes. Yes, he was. He was going to get those cigarettes and he never fucking came back. Do you know if your parents caused the accident? What did they hit? Honestly, I have no fucking idea. You never found out what your parents ran into. I don't believe anything this guy says right now. Bro, I don't even believe what I say. Come on. I've been experienced with some wide loads, but this is a big old wide load of shit. Do I look like a load? Okay. You know what? You're right. I do look like a load of shit. I'm going to ask. Come on, give me some something. Fucking go. All right. Well, oh shit. There it is. Oh, well, Cody, I got to tell you, man. How long did you? Did I ask you how long you've been on stand up? No, no, you didn't first time ever

tonight, right? No, I wish. First time here. I've been doing it on and off for about a year now, but like not too much. I mean, lately I've been fucking taking shit to myself. Yeah, it seems like it seems like it. So Cody, I was fun to meet you, man. Fun to meet you. Do some work, you know, of course, you ever want to do it again. Do something completely different than what you did tonight. Oh, you mean bombing the entire place different than you did? Just do everything different. A lot of people say be yourself, right? But I'm encouraging you for the first time in the show's history. I'm encouraging you to not be yourself. Do anything else other than what you did tonight. Okay. All right. You know what? I'll take that. There he goes. Cody held

everyone back to Orange County. Love y'all. And we're going to say goodbye. Wow. It seems like just earlier, this lady's name came up. And now I think dreams are about to come true. This young lady, a legend here on Kill Tony, famously one of the ladies pulled out of the bucket more than any other human being in the buckets history. She has extreme, extreme luck and she, I believe she's 72. We're going to talk with her all about it, but she started here on Kill Tony and, you know, she got better and better and better every single time that she came out and she absolutely loves the show. She's a big, big, uh, big piece of the puzzle here and she's definitely her own flavor. I present to you,

Kill Tony fans, the return of the great Afro Didi. Here she is. Wow. It's the real deal. Afro Didi. How y'all doing? I need to make an announcement. I'm very proud to let you guys know that I have the, actually, the wettest motherfucking pussy in the history of the Kill Tiny show. I just wet this tissue up to prove that I got a wet pussy. Okay. I peed on myself in the motherfucking La Jolla 2 show. I peed on myself. So that just eliminates that goddamn Carla Lavascale B or Cardio B, whatever her goddamn name is. She stole my motherfucking car. I'm gonna give my motherfucking royalties, bitch. I'm telling you right now. I want y'all to know, I know some of y'all were, you know, that you might get the Gucci Lerona of the grabbing of the pussy of the

virus and the juices flying out the back of your asshole virus, but don't worry about it because my cousin Ray Ray is working on the kill. Yeah. My cousin Ray Ray is coming up with a new one to help get rid of this shit. It's called, bitch, get out of my car before I punch you in your motherfucking face vaccine. Oh yeah. It's going to work. It's a very strong one. There it is. A new minute from the great Afro dieting. Wow. What a sweet, sweet thing you are. I'm so glad to see you again. How are you? Fantastic. I do not have the Gucci Lerona. So let's talk about your set tonight. What do you mean you have a very wet pussy? Because I peed on myself.

But what, when did that happen? On the La Jolla 2 show, you don't remember I peed on myself? I told everybody I peed on myself. On the what? On the La Jolla 2 show when we went on tour. Oh. Remember the second set? I peed on myself. You're doing callbacks from last March. So that means I have the wettest pussy in the goddamn Kil-Tiny history. Sometimes we recollect things in our life that we realize that other people don't care about as much as other people. And one of them was you pissing on yourself. I don't hold that as a near and dear Afro dieting memory. I've got others in the role of X. I just wanted credit for the wet ass pussy in the goddamn show history. That's a good one. Oh, that's right. Why do you call it Kil-Tiny? You know it's Kil-Tony, right? I know.

I know, but he's a little tiny. I mean, you know. Me? No, I'm just messing with you. Talking about me? Yeah, I'm just making fun of the show title. Kil-Tiny instead of Kil-Tony. But why would you call it Kil-Tiny? Oh, I get it. Because you're a little guy. You're a little guy. The fuck do you mean I'm a little guy? I'm counting. You're mighty, though. You're mighty as hell. What the fuck is this supposed to mean? Of all the people that stab me in the back. What kind of game of throne shit is this? I've always been nice to you. I'm mad. If you're bringing out the mouse. And I need some cheese. I miss you, Tony. Welcome back to when tiny guys find out they're tiny. Oh my goodness. It really hurts coming from you after. I don't mean it. I don't mean it. Tony,

her whole persona is a pussy piss. Like, just relax. She's coming from another tiny. You know older people pee on themselves all the time, Tony. I'm 65. You're 65 years old. 65, October 10th. What makes you piss yourself? Is it like you laugh and you pee a little? She's 55, Betsy. You just want to get an older deer? You just piss when you got to piss? You can laugh and piss. That's what I'm asking. Yes. You sneeze and piss. Yeah. Spicy food piss? Yeah, just the thought of piss and piss. So are you reluctant to hydrate because you're worried? You're like, I might as well be dehydrated. Otherwise, I'm just going to be pissing everywhere I go. Well, I try to watch it, you know, because I don't want to pee in public. You know,

peeing at home is okay, but what you're going to do with no diapers? Right. What the fuck is happening? Afro, what have you been doing during this pandemic? You're a very, very social woman. A little fun fact is that the night that everything, absolutely the final fucking night that everything shut down. You remember that night? Yes, I do. The final, final night and everybody knows I'm a young staunch Republican. So of course, I don't believe in this shit. I'm going party and I'm trying to find things to do. Anyway, I'm kidding. But, but I remember that the top shelf brass band was playing that night featuring Afrodite and I've always wanted to have a chance to see them. The comedy store closed. The improv was closed. The laugh factory

was closed for the first time ever in Los and me in Los Angeles. Since I was a fucking kid here, I had no spots, nowhere to perform, no comedy clubs to hang out at. And I looked at my social media, I saw Top Shelf and Afrodite were performing and Top Shelf, of course, has been featured on the show many a time. So it was Afrodite. And I walked into that New Orleans style fucking bar and I had all by myself, by the way, the sassafras, the sassafras and I had the best goddamn time having drinks and watching you sing your fucking heart out. It was so cool. Thank you, Tony. Who'd have thought that the top shelf was Afrodite's tits? Never forget that you came out. We still thank you to this day.

I will give you some love. Oh, Jesus. The jack-off thing. Afro, for all the, maybe there's some new listeners that haven't ever heard you sing. Why don't you hit a note real quick for the people at home that have never heard your powerful voice before? I know you're not warmed up, but maybe you could just jump right into something real quick for us. Do you know any real big fish? I'm pretty sure one's probably fallen out of her pussy before.

Chroma Chris said she only knows big fish. Okie dokie. Here's Afrodite giving us a little taste of what her voice sounds like. Here it comes. Here it is. I'm just going to freestyle something because I wasn't prepared. Exactly what I was hoping you were going to do. Here's Afrodite. Okie. Oh, shit. She's got the band. Here it comes. I never met a man like you. Baby, baby, I never met a man like you. Oh, oh, you make me hot. Baby, yes you do. I'm warming up on you. You're my... You're my lover. Yes you are. Yes you are. You make me want you.

Put a big button on it. There you go. Thank you, guys. God, I miss you all. Wow. That's so lovely, Afrodite. How I miss that beautiful voice and your beautiful face and your incredible fucking energy. Thank you so much for joining us again. Thank you. I want to let you know that Top Shelf Brass Band featuring Afrodite, we're going to release a song called I Fell in Love on the 24th this Saturday. Please check us out. There's a lot more coming. I have some singles on my own. All right. That's enough of your fucking plug. Afrodite. Yes, thank you. Here she goes.

Afrodite. There's Afrodite. All right. Here we go. Okay. This is a very, very, lots of ladies on this show tonight. Your final comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Claudia Causalal. Causalal. Causalal. Claudia Causalal. Here we go. So I go to Burning Man, of course. If you're not familiar, Burning Man's were a bunch of rich people spend hundreds, thousands of dollars to spend a week in a hot SRV in the middle of the desert doing drugs all day. Poor people have it too, but they call it Bakersfield. Even though I go to Burning Man, I'm not like into like a bunch of the hippie trippy voodoo stuff, like I'm not into crystals. Like crystals are a bullshit. People get so into it.

Like they have these huge ass crystals on sale in the west side for like $40,000. If you have $40,000 and you want to draw energy from a rock, buy cocaine. One of my burner friends like tried to get me to go on a juice cleanse with her once, and I was like, dude, fuck juice. And she was like, uh, that's anti-semitic. That was my time. There it is. So you nailed it. 58 seconds. That's fun. Did you have fun? I did. How long have you been on stand up? Like, if I want to be like how seriously, like a year and a half probably. Okay. All of it here in LA? Yeah.

How long you been made of Kool-Aid? I've been a unicorn all my life. Thank you. Okay. What do you do for work? So I'm like in, you know, this is quarter life crisis here. I was in tech doing head hunting until May. And then I was like, I'm going to be crazy and like go after my dreams, like in a pandemic. So what dreams? Comedy. Oh, no, what, what are dreams? Yeah. And I also like singing stuff. And I, I, I, I just,

Can you give it? Can we get a little, what, what kind of, what kind of music do you like to sing? Evanescence. A lot of, you seem like a big Evanescence fan. You look like a dive bar, Billie Eilish. All right. She's not a smurf. I was just saying like, I'm like the Billie Eilish person, but I'm not even like the original like Billie Eilish knockoff. Yeah, we know. Can you do it? Can you, you want, you want the bandabag? You guys know any Billie Eilish? No. Can I do, can I do like a weird thing I did on TikTok once is probably not going to work.

I really wish you just would have left out that you did it on TikTok before. That makes it seem really cheap to feature it now on this. The number one live podcast in the world, but you know what? We'll edit that part out and just say, here's a little something that I wrote just for this. My, my bad. I'm just kidding. Get right ahead. This is an impression of Christina Aguilera having a COVID scare. Okay.

Every day is so wonderful and suddenly it's hard to breathe. That was it. That was it. Okay. I was waiting for like a, uh, the crazy part or something. It just sounded good. It sounded like Christina Aguilera. So what was the, the COVID part? Oh, it's hard to breathe. She ended with a cough or something. I did it. I did more of a what, oh, than an, oh, my bad.

It's hard. I was just curious. I wasn't not going to sound nice. It's all good. Maybe if you sang like, I tested positive for coronavirus. That would make it very clear. Yeah. So Claudia, what do you do when you're not singing or doing stand up, like they're working? What else about you? You seem like you have a-

I've got COVID in a bottle, baby. Come, come. Come on, let me out. I'm dirty. I do, I do a lot of that. I do some like silly podcasting and, um, I paint, I paint too. I actually, I like, I paint like two paintings a year. Like, you know, I kind of like gets me in my meditative state and you know, it's nice. I did a painting, um, I was inspired when like the, the virus hit and stuff. I did a painting of like Trump holding a Corona. That was really fun.

Oh, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Trump holding a Corona. Like a, like a beer. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. How did it come out? Good?

It was awesome. It was actually really funny because I, I don't know, I was like going to include some like Quotinston stuff and I was like, let's like not have it be political. And it actually went to a Trump supporter in the end. And so it was really, really fun. Yeah. They have the money to buy things like that. Right. Anyway, um, so, okay, you make art, you sing, you do comedy.

What is, what would you consider your specialty? What do you think your best out of all these different art forms? I think you do any poetry? No, not really. I can't really take myself seriously. Are you from Phoenix is a great question. And I also, much like a Joel's Orange County pick earlier, I'm going to, I'm going to double down on that.

I'm going to even go more specific and say Tempe, Arizona. I'm going to go Phoenix or maybe Sacramento. Oh, that's a great third Portland. No, I mean, I actually have been in LA longer than anywhere else now. Like I've been here eight years. Where are you from? Where are you from? Rhode Island.

I lived in Fresno for a few years. Oh, Fresno for those that don't know the perfect middle between Sacramento and Phoenix, Arizona. Yes, the Midwest of California. That's the Tempe of California without a college. You look like if one of the characters from inside out became human. I went to summer camp in Fresno, Riverway Ranch Camp. Cool.

Claudia, do you have a boyfriend? I don't. When's the last time you had one? It's been a couple of years. How did it end the last relationship? He broke up with me. Thank you. Why do you think he broke up with you?

It was just like a not work. I don't know. He just I guess he just wasn't into me. He said he didn't think that I was into him. He said that he thinks that you're not into him. He's like, look, I don't want to be with you anymore. I feel like you're not into me. To be honest, I think it's like he tried to he said he was like one of those Jewish guys

who wasn't like super Jewish. But like, I think he really cared and like he broke up with me. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop. Well, hold on. Let's go back. What did you just say about super Jewish? Like he tried to, you know, like how some Jewish people are like religious Jewish

and then some people are like, I'm Jewish, you know, and like he tried to be like the second one. But hold on, hold on. Hold on. I got this. I got this. Go ahead. Benji.

Okay. So there's very religious Jewish people who are like, you better be a religious Jew. Then there's just Jews who think they're better than everyone else. And then they don't want to breed outside other Jews because a lot of you people turn out like look around. So it could be that where he's dating you and then he's like, fuck, I got to meet some sort of Jewy girl. Yeah, he broke up with me on the first day of Hanukkah.

Oh my goodness. The first gift. Wow. Did you at least get the light of candle or anything like that? Or any of the fun with the Jewish people consider super fun? To be fair, I completely didn't realize it was Hanukkah. Oh, you came over in a Christmas sweater and rude off antlers. She comes over.

She just signed a bad loan, bought a way runner, all sorts of Christian shit. She's like, what? It's Hanukkah. Let's make casserole. Isn't that what you guys do too? No, we don't. Dude, was that the first Jewish guy you dated? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Now, Benji, a little fun fact about Benji is that you're sort of into it. I've grown up. No, I've grown up. I'm not like that. Really? I know where you're going. You don't like boys anymore?

I don't like boys. No, I like boys, but I will still date non-Jews, but I know where you're going with this. Yeah. So that's changed. What do you think made you grow up and not be solely into? Because I mean, I look at a girl like Claudia and I know your type. We've been very good friends for a long time.

Yeah. And what do you think, because you used to be into girls that maybe they were white, maybe they had a couple of tattoos, maybe- Just say the words. You were into like, yeah, I'm not saying that Claudia is this, right? What ethnicity are you? Polish, super Polish. Oh, yeah, that's white as fuck, Benji.

White girls, I don't know. I just feel like, no, I'm sure she's a great girl. Did something happen with a white girl that had like a multicolored hair tattoos that made you not like them anymore? I've had a lot of, yeah, gnarly things. I mean, it is what they say, once you go white, you got to take flight, you know what I'm saying? You got to get out of there. All right.

Well, Claudia, any other fun facts about your life that we would be really surprised to know about you? I mean, are there really any surprises at this point? Sometimes. Sometimes people will be like, oh, shit, yeah. You said something about Billie Eilish. Do you sing like her, or is that just like, just the hair, like the style? It's just like the hair. Like when I wear like my sweatshirt and I'm like all sad looking, but like-

You're like Billie Eilish. Yeah. Jesus. I mean, all right, that's pretty good. No, no. What, I don't want it? No. He's blind.

God damn it, leave him alone. Yes, I do. You don't like that. You can't see. You said you don't like Billie Eilish. Why? Why, though? Huh?

Why Eilish? Because her name's Eilish, but like she looks like Eilish. Why does she look like an Eilish? No, no, no, no, no, no amount of drums. No amount of drums is going to help this show. She doesn't look like an Eilish. Why would I charge it for her to look like an Eilish? She would have to like, wait a second.

Why are you just playing the drums fast? Oh, it sounds like an open and shut case. Louie Irish, it works. All right, here we go, here we go, here we go. That's pretty good. All right. Outlast just open and shut, you fucking idiot. Yeah!

Kill Tony, 2020. Suck it, COVID. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Claudia, did you have fun here? I had lots of fun. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming on. There she goes.

Claudia Casala. Casala. There she goes. Claudia Casala. Step back from that ledge, my friend. We're done with the bucket. So let's see what the superhero himself, truly, truly, one of my favorite human beings on the planet,

one of my favorite comedians. It's time for your third and final regular. You know him. You love him. This was sent in by the great Michael Lair. A lot of people are disabled just because they're fat. I've been wanting to mimic disease. You're the Burger King.

I'm fucking with you just because we both take the abapen. My disability isn't fine. Other people with disabilities to try comedy. Please stop. If you got disabled and then became a comedian, do not contact me. I've been in these comedy streets for like two decades. I'm way too sick to read your sick eyes, trash eyes, jokes.

I'm not an inspiration. I'm an alcoholic drug addict. I fuck up. You kill yourself. I get sued. My elephant man fingers can't handle the paperwork. I'm not your average disabled guy. I still make love to the ladies who can walk.

Someone not faster than my wheelchair. And there you go. Michael Lair did it again. Make sure you go to MichaelLairComedy.com. And that's another episode of Kill Tony, everybody. We did it live at the world famous comedy store. And while you all sat there doing nothing and enjoying this episode, Ryan J. E. Belt drew the entire fucking thing.

The entire damn show. Let's look at what we got tonight. Wow. Look at that. It's a big truck with my fucking face on the front. And you got Benji in there. You got Red Band. You got the band.

David Lucas and William Montgomery and Michael Lair are the wheels. Absolutely incredible. I mean, what a mind blowing drawing and to have done all that in the hour and a half that we've been recording this show is fucking incredible. Make sure you check out all these prints at ryanjebel.com. Get your own. How about a big hand for our guests tonight?

My good friend Benji Aflalo. Benji Aflalo is on all things social media at Benji Aflalo. All one word, B-E-N-J-I-A-F-L-A-L-O. Got it. Spelling B champion. Obviously. What else is going on, Benji? I don't have nothing really.

I got a new car trying to exercise. Ooh, what kind of car did you get? I got a Tesla. Ooh, what kind of Tesla? The Model 3. Ma, nice. Oh, my goodness. That's great.

Yeah, I just got tints on it today. By the way, it's a beautiful tax write-off. Ask your tax guy about it because of how much it weighs. It can be considered, anyways, we'll talk later. I'm talking about getting the whole thing for free kind of write-off. Oh, wow. Look at this.

Okay, thank you. How exciting. Wow. Very presidential of you guys to avoid taxes like this. All right. Well, congrats on your Tesla. We'll go out and we'll race cars sometime at the track. Okay.

Okay. All right. Benji Aflalo. How about a big hand for the leader of the band, everybody? Jeremiah Watkins was here all night tonight. Absolutely killing it. That was Rust in Wheels the entire time. Great stuff, Jeremiah.

What else? I just got a new bag of Doritos. Things are going pretty well. And then I have a new one-hour special. It's my first one-hour special. It's coming out on December 8th on Amazon Prime. And you can get on a lot of different outlets and stuff like that.

And I'm very excited for that. You can get a preorder at JeremiahWatkins.com. Great stuff. That's Jeremiah. Lift up that hat again. Show the people on the video. Oh, my goodness. Rust in Wheels.

Blind as a bat. And how about a big hand for the great Jetsky. Jesse Johnson was here all night tonight. Absolutely incredible. She's selling ornaments that she made with her own bare hands, everybody. I have 75 of them and you should buy them as well. Go to JetskyJohnson.com.

You owe me like thousands of dollars now. Seriously, they're handmade. You can use them for Christmas, but we like to call them anytime ornaments. And it's a really cool piece. It's her first ever merch. It's absolutely adorable. These things are incredible.

Go to JetskyJohnson.com and support her. That's Jetsky. Chroma Chris was here tonight on the bass guitar. There he is. The great Chroma Chris. He's on social media at Chroma Chris. What else, Chris? Uh, nothing.

I'm you can check me out on Chroma Chris at my social media. But I also got a new YouTube video out on orangeamps.com. That's it. He's officially sponsored by Orange Amplifiers. And you know who's sponsored by Ludwig Drums, the greatest drum maker in the world. Believe it or not, it's Joel Jimenez. AKA Truck Norris.

What else is going on, Joel? Nothing. Thank you, Damon, for all the work you do. Watch Alone Together with Benji on it. It's a really great show. I'm a big, huge fan of it. I'm happy to be here. You guys, tonight was really fun.

And I love you guys. Have a good night. Absolutely it was. The great Joel Berg Joel Jimenez, everyone. That's about it. What else, Red Band? Check out Desquad.tv. Check out Brothers and Curse of Fun Patreon.

Thanks a lot, guys. Absolutely. We'll see you guys next week for another fun episode of Kill Tony. Thank you so much, everyone. There you go. Go home. Bye.

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