KILL TONY - #481 - DON BARRIS

Episode Date: November 20, 2020

Don Barris, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 11/16/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony HinchCliff. Yippee-doo-da-day, motherfuckers. Here we are. Good evening and welcome. Brian Red Band. Back from beautiful Austin, Texas. Back from sitting on the throne during a wonderful, wonderful slew of Joe Rogan experience episodes, including, of course, my favorite episode of all time, The Great Kanye West. Yes, and I got two hugs from him. He showed us that little creepy hologram

before it was announced and I thought that was very touching. He's like, you know, showing us videos on his phone and stuff. He was a good guy. He was a very sweet, good, very good guy. He was a sweetheart. And a fucking genius. The stuff he was saying during that episode was really mind boggling. I thought it was cool too how Rogan was able to listen to that 20-minute thing and then just really wrap it up into a very nice package. I think Kanye actually really respected Joe for that. It was cool. And he's going to be back, he said. And also, it was still super entertaining. I mean, and also, even though Joe might take on it, Joe doing a minimal amount of talking, still unbelievable hosting. Like it's almost harder to host while not having input,

because the decisions, the next question that you ask is that much more important. And it was just incredible. Incredible. Great guest and obviously a great host, Rogan and Kanye. Wow. So here we are. We're back at Kill Tony. Welcome back home to beautiful Los Angeles, California. We're here quarantined off with maybe a total grand total, I would guess maybe 15 people in this room that we used to have 550 people in every single fucking Monday. But here we are. It's better than this. So this is exciting and I'm happy to be here. Hey, you know who else is here? It's the great Ryan J. Ebell. Look at that guy right there. Whoa. There's the wink and the point and another point. Holy shit. He's just giving them out for free tonight. He draws every single

episode of Kill Tony. All those prints are available. Ryan J. Ebell.com, including all the tour posters, a couple of limited edition t-shirts and the drawing of tonight's episode, which he has already begun right now. Hard at work. Some other great people in the audience tonight as well. Charlie from delicious Vito's pizza is here. Royalty in these parts. In fact, I didn't tell you this, Charlie, but I placed a secret order yesterday. The eggplant parmesan appetizer with my favorite baked ziti slammed it down like a champion gives me all the fuel I need for an amazing day. And then I chased it down with a caveman coffee, which you could do as well by using the promo code Kill Tony, getting 15% off your order. Incredible stuff. I don't know how it packs so much energy

in a can, but somehow it does. And also a shout out to the great Gino from Speedweed over there. He's the man. Also the CEO of Betterbox Studios, which was a tremendous, tremendous second home to us during these wild times of this unprecedented pandemic. And so with that said, we are all set to start tonight's show. But before I bring out tonight's guests, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made this episode free for you, the lucky listener. For a lot of us, our home is now more than just our home. My living room has turned into a podcast studio, a zoom studio. I'm doing virtual reality in my living room. If you're a business owner or a people manager, home might be also where you're doing your hiring. That's where zip recruiter

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And if you use the promo code kill Tony, you will get 20% off. Once more, that's infinitecbd.com and promo code kill Tony for 20% off. And we are back. And I am so excited about tonight's show. This is probably pound for pound. Without a doubt, the best guests that we've had, not only since the pandemic started, but also perhaps of the year 2020, because this man was on the show in January of this year, one of our famous sold out shows here in the main room. And he brought the cast of the movie that he created with him, the greatest comedy movie of all time, Windy City Heat. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians and favorite friends on the planet. It's the great Don Barris. Wow. It's really him live in the flash.

On a Monday at 8.15 PM. He is here. He's back. The king of late night at the comedy store, the creator of the ding dong show, the longest running show in comedy store history, and the star of the comedy store documentary. This just came out all five times. Thank you, Tony. Hello, everybody. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band. It's nice to be back here. I haven't been back here since January and January was such a fun show and you guys were so nice because you pushed the shit out of Windy City Heat and I've never seen numbers move in anything I've ever done. It really did. It was fun for me. I even kept a little bit of an eye on it. It was fun to watch the bump. I looked, I really was and that was very nice and I was like,

as a matter of fact, I'll be making a deal right now. I've never done this on any show that I've ever been on. Tonight, when this is over, I'm going to select one woman in this audience and make love to her. Oh, wow. Oh, I see a couple ladies. Who's getting their ginny hole eaten by me tonight? That is a good question. Who is going to get their ginny hole eaten by Don here tonight? Don, I'm so happy to have you. I'm sure since it was just in January that you were on the show, you remember that we have a band on this show. Yes, I do. In every single episode, they commit to being different characters. They've been in a different sealed off green room getting ready before this show. Can I say this before you bring them out? I'm sorry to interrupt you

because it's your fucking show and you're doing a good job. You're great. You can do whatever you want. But you know what? When you said we don't know, I saw them backstage and they said whatever you do, don't say anything. So I'm going to shut my mouth because I don't want that girl that I'm going to be making love to upset with me. That's right. You want that ginny hole nice and ready for you. With that said, let's find out what they are tonight. Maybe it's a brand new characters that we've never seen before. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters that we have seen. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kiltoni band. Jetski, Jesse Johnson, Carl McCris and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Wow. I have no idea what this is. Wow. I don't think I've ever been this confused before about what the band actually is. I just selected the girl to be making love to. Uh-oh. We found the lucky lady. Jeremiah won't like that because I'm a sister. Phyllis Watkins. Whoa. The return of Jeremiah's sister Phyllis Watkins. And Tony, this week I brought the whole family. Oh yeah? These are more Watkins? Yep. We were here to film a special coming out on December 8th on Amazon Prime. Wow. Family reunion and we're all, we stayed in Hollywood because we were having so much fun here.

Wow. My goodness. What an incredible plug for Jeremiah's family. Yeah, the entire Watkins. What's your name, young Watkins? Hey, what's up? My name is Gary. Gary Maya Watkins. Garamaya Watkins. Yeah, Gary Maya. And you know, I'm just, I'm really, really excited about, you know, Jeremiah's success in everything, even though, you know, I was the one who actually told him he should play saxophone and everything. I even got him into comedy. It's no big deal or anything, but yeah, we dropped Jeremiah. Wow. We're finding out a lot about Gary Maya Watkins. No, I'm really excited about his success, Tony. You seem a little bit bitter. Are you his brother? Yeah. I mean, I mean, I just got him into comedy, you know, it's no big deal.

Geez. He wanted just to be, you know, a musician and everything, but I was like, Don, what do you think about this? I just, all I keep thinking about is Patrick Swayze's brother. When I see you, that's all. You look a little like Jeremiah, but there's just something that not as Jeremiah, but I wish you nothing but luck. Oh, Derek Swayze, right? I get that a lie. I look like Derek Swayze. We all got nose jobs. And I'm really interested to find out how this young man behind me on the drums fits into the Watkins family. What's your name, sir? Watkins, Watkins. I just told you, I just took a nsextree.com test. Blood in blood out, 100% Watkins. I'm here to promote my cousins fucking for special. How are you related to these?

I don't know. That's nsextree.com for 100% blood. My goodness. That is incredible. What do you guys think of a lot Keen Watkins being in your family? Blood homies. Blood brother. Jeremiah Watkins performs his first one-hour special family reunion in an intimate comedy club setting. Be a fly on the wall as Jeremiah gets heckled by his mom, works out the crowd, shares personal stories of dating and marriage, and watches ridiculous physicality and characters all while his family, that's me, hometown friends surround him with exclusive family interviews. This is one of the most unique and raw specials you'll ever see. I love it. Watkin Watkins is here. Jeremiah Watkins, Phyllis Watkins, the great Don Barris,

red band and the sound board. So let's start the fucking show. You guys ready for this? Before you start, can I, can I just say one thing? I happen to see Geno in the audience, one of your sponsors. Geno, every time I see him, it is nice because every time I see him, he gives me a joint and he doesn't have to. Geno, my man, hello there. We love Geno. Absolute Kill Tony royalty without a doubt. And so let's just jump right into it to kick off tonight's show because we like to start things with a fucking bang around here. I present to you the longest tenured regular in Kill Tony history and also a guy that in the Kill Tony part of the comedy store documentary was featured more than both Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Red Band guys that have done the show for tens of thousands

of hours, but this is the band. This is show business. I'm just Rogan's producer. Is that what they said? Tom Segura kept on going and then I started my podcast with Rogan's producer. What the fuck? The sad part is that you can hear you can see his lips say Brian Red Band in a different voice. It's just Rogan's producer. All right, ladies and gentlemen, before you go on, I hate to again, you're the host, but you said something that I have to touch base with in that documentary of the comedy store when it came to talking about you. Did I say Red Band or did I? You sure did. You and Joe. I do. Thank you, buddy. No problem. Mr. Don Berries. They used three videos of mine didn't credit any of them, but thanks a lot, John. You probably

have something to say. Look, I think it was beautifully done. No better part to feature Kiltony than after mentioning the Argus Hamilton tonight show. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, that's so fitting. Have we filled the theaters around the globe with a show that started in the belly room? Sure. But why really, why really cover that at all when you can? Why would you? Yeah. When you can cover the, I think the Argus show is wildly successful. Have you been on the Argus show? Yeah, yeah, I have. How many times? What is Argus Hamilton? Argus Hamilton. Argus Hamilton. We don't have this yet. No. Anyway, we're going to start it off with a guy heavily featured in the comedy store documentary. He's absolutely a wild man. He's one of our favorite

comedians of all time and always, always entertaining as hell. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the big red machine, William Montgomery. I know that. I know that dude. Here it is. 60 seconds uninterrupted from William Montgomery. Do I look like the kind of guy that would kill a journalist? Do I look like the kind of guy that would do business with Hunter Biden? A quick joke for you people. What do you call a woman driver? Beheaded. What do I call it when I throw my wife off of a mountain for not birthing a male air, a flying carpet? My wife is so ugly I couldn't sell her to a human trafficking organization. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Hopefully not in my country because you'll never see her

again. Tony spends more time in a sand trap than a Saudi drug dealer. That's a golf joke. Not fair. Not fair. That's all I got. That's unbelievable. What a performance. What a performance. What a way to kick off tonight's show. William Montgomery delivering jokes as a, how would you describe this character? What are you here tonight? An Arab chic. An Arab chic. Heck yeah. Was that perhaps your Halloween costume? It was. I spent $300 on it. My goodness. He looks like the Virgin Mary if she wasn't a virgin. He looks like the Virgin Harry. The Virgin Harry. That was Jeremiah Watkins. Virgin Gary.

All right. Virgin scary. What did you do for Halloween dress like that? Where'd you go? I actually did a show. David was on it. I dominated him in the show. David did pretty poorly. Is that true? There's a little disappointing to see. We're gonna have to follow up with David about this in a little bit. What made you pick an Arab chic for Halloween? I don't know. I've always been intrigued by the Muslim religion. Yeah. What about that religion intrigues you? I don't know. Just all the Muhammad stuff. I'm really a big fan. You're a big fan of Muhammad. Correct. In what way? Like why are you a big fan of Muhammad? He used to eat a bunch of deer meat and I'm a big fan of deer meat. Have you ever eaten deer meat? I actually, I was on the phone with

my dad earlier this week and I told him I was getting Indian food and he was like, what are you talking about? Deer meat? I was like, no. Like the dot type of Indian, not the feather type of Indian. I was shocked. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about deer meat? William, did you know our producer's name is David Deer Meat? I love David Deer Meat. Everyone producer, man. David Deer Meat. David Deer Meat. Oh my God. I love David Deer Meat. Also, you look like a Obama camel cigarette off you. You got one? Yes. Yeah. It is an interesting look. So you ended up doing a show for Halloween. Did you dress up with someone? Did you go to that show with a date or something? Yes, with my lady friend. With your girlfriend. What was she dressed

up as? What was she dressed up as William? Didn't dress up as anything. Whoa. So this seems like she seems as much fun as we've always heard. She probably shouldn't get into this subject. Because she listens to the show just to find things to come. We really shouldn't get into this subject. Every single episode. Please. Let's not get into this subject because you're going to get in trouble. Please. Let's stop. Tony. I love this character, the Saudi guy who's afraid of his life. Sober. Don Barris is here. Do I know your girlfriend? I don't know. I don't know. You may have, you may recognize her by her ginny hold on. You could. I don't know. I didn't know. Congratulations. Congratulations. Do you think she was into your costume? Did you guys role play at all?

A lot of role playing. Yeah. What kind of things did you do? A lot of knocking on the door, trying to get inside of the bedroom, not being allowed to get inside of the bedroom, whole bunch of knocking. More like a lot of cinnamon role play. What does that mean? You're a fat dog. You know, we heard last week that William got so drunk that he shit himself and it fell on the floor. No, I didn't. We don't need to talk about this one year. Yeah, we do. I had no idea about this. This is one of the perks of not listening to brothers in cursive is that I find out all the best highlights like this live on the spot and you get to see my genuine reaction to it. So you had a heavy serious drinking problem. I started

drinking again a little bit. And then you took a few weeks off drinking or at least you said that you were while coming in here sweating profusely. I'm hot as shit in this right now. I bet. I'm sweating bad right now. I bet you are. You're completely in character. You're a real Arab chic. So explain to us how you ended up shitting your pants or I mean, hopefully it wasn't during Halloween because you're not really wearing any pants. I was wearing this outfit. It took me a while to take it off. Wow. To think that you even went to the extent of smelling like an Arab man too. Yeah, you went trick or treating definitely looking for 72 virgins. What does that fucking mean? Explain to us how you shit your pants, William. This is a great

podcast. I was close to the toilet. My body was ready to do do. I did not have my shorts off. When you say close to the toilet, what are we talking about? Probably a foot away in the living room. No, probably a foot away. I was looking at the toilet. You got to point your ass towards me. So what were you doing? Why were you looking at the toilet? I was trying to take this stuff off. What stuff? And I couldn't close it. He's been wearing that for a week. I've been wearing this a week. Wow. Okay. And then you're trying to take off the outfit, but you feel like coming up. And I couldn't and do do came out. Where did it land? In my shorts and also on the floor. One of the pairs of shorts that you got here on this show. Yeah, new pair of shorts. Did you wash them or

did you throw them out? Wash them. Disgusting. You just throw them away. William, we got you 40 pairs of free shorts. Well, I found my favorite beer and I'm wearing them right now. Wow. You are soaking wet with sweat right now. It is. I'm hot as shit. I'm just waiting for you to tell me to get off. I am hot as fuck. I'm waiting to get off. Before you let him off, I have never heard anybody shit in their pants before. I know nobody here has. So please tell more. Yeah. So after you shit your pants, did you wait? Did you like yell for your girlfriend or actually helped him out? Right? Wow. Yeah, it was really nice. Yeah. What did she do exactly? Lord knows she loves being in shitty situations. By the way, I do know his girlfriend. I now remember her. Oh, look at that.

Perfect. It's all coming back to Don. She once helped Don when he pooped his pants. So what did she do to help you? Got my pants, my boxers, wiped the doodoo off of me. She wiped it off of you? In the shower. I was screaming in the shower. Get your fucking hands off of me. That sounds like the worst way to propose I've ever heard, man. Like dig through it. There's a ring in there, bitch. This poor woman. This poor woman. I think she likes it. I know. I do feel kind of bad after everything. After all the shit. Let me ask you this. Here's a here's a final question. Before you ask the final, can I ask the question? You're gonna ask the final question. You go right ahead. Have you ever done anything else this close to embarrassing

your girlfriend? Anything else like shit in your pants? Anything else? Maybe masturbating, wiping all kinds of all kinds of stuff, I think, but I don't know. Right now would be a good time to tell us. Go right ahead. No, I don't know. This is not this isn't a good time. I think the worst feels it's a good time. You guys think so? They think everybody wants to hear it. I'm kidding. I don't even know what I would I don't know what I would say. Wow, I've never seen you this stumped before. I don't know what I would say. Improvisational guru. And it appears as though we have found the Achilles heel of this air. Here's the question that I had. Yeah, because you've been dating this girl a while. Very what we would describe as a tumultuous relationship. Oh, Don's getting a

Don's getting a phone call. Williams girl right now calling Don. Can you please stop fucking bringing me up doing pancakes? Okay, so here's my question for you, William. If your girlfriend who you've been with now for what eight, 10 months a year, how long you guys been together? I don't know. Year and a half. Year and a half. Boy, does time fly. Let me ask you this. If she shit her pants a foot away from the toilet and open the door and was like, William, I shit my pants. I need your help. What? How would you react to that? I would slam the bathroom door shut. I would get in my fucking car and I would leave. There you go. That's what I thought. That's it. That's a way out right there. Ladies and gentlemen, the great William Montgomery everybody. There he goes.

That's a portrait of the man, right? What? That's a portrait of the man, right? Yeah, it is. It is. It sounds so good. We actually really, it really does. It sounds so great. It's not overbearing. It's not at a ridiculously high pitch for the instrument being played. It's completely in tune. Hey, she's still got it. She's a real Watkins. A fun fact about Portugal. The man is that we sold out a theater in Portland a few months ago and we actually had the lead guitarist for Portugal. Yeah. In the band. He joined the band. So imagine how crazy Portland went when we go joining the band. Tony, Mr. Tony, what do you think about me starting a band called Mexico? The man What do you think about it? How about Chico in the match? Shout out to Freddy Prince,

also featured in the Comedy Store documentary. You know what? Let's run some of your band name ideas after the show. Okay, sounds good. I see you in the parking lot. Thank you. Thank you, Joaquin Watkins. You're welcome, Mr. Tony. Okay, I'm pulling my first name out of the bucket for this episode. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to, ooh, for the first time ever in Kiltoni history. Make some noise for Fernando Perez, everyone. Here we go. We are going to find out who is Fernando Perez right now live on the number one live podcast in the world, Kiltoni. Here is Fernando Perez. And here is Fernando Perez. Well, I feel like if I knew who Wolfgang Puck was, I could make myself come off as a lot smarter

than I am. I'm a little too white for the Mexican kids. Honestly, a little too white for the white kids two times. My favorite saying for reference is Jiminy Crickets. I'm very afraid of disappointing Joel right now. I like to think I'm a people preser. A lot of racists call me one of the good ones. It's one of my highlights. I've got the ethnic equivalent of the N-word pass, the quality. It's great. I've never done hair wound, but I do like needles. I wonder if spoon collectors have any irrational fears of hair on that. My grandpa used to say, never do what you love for free, but how could I pass up being one of the few people allowed to dress in clan robes and educational theater is amazing. There you go, Fernando Perez.

Wow, Fernando, I must say you have the delivery of a book smart human being. Thank you. I haven't been on a stage in like over a year. Am I right? Are you very book smart? Yeah. You got great grades your entire life. Am I correct? Yes, I was in the geek program as a child. In the what program? The gifted and talented education. There you go. Boy, do I know how to spot these motherfuckers. This guy looks like Mexican Dracula. Yeah, he does. This is the second time we've had this full on the show. Oh, you've been on the show before? No, no, no. We met Mexican Dracula in San Francisco. I meant like as a character. Oh, okay. Do you, Mr. Tony? Mexican Dracula is allergic to cilantro instead of garlic. Okay. Don Barris, what do you think about this young buck? I don't know

if any person that you've had on the show has ever said this to one of the performers, but I don't think I've ever wanted to beat the fuck out of someone that I want to beat the fuck out. I've never wanted to have someone beat the fuck out of me like that much before. You'd be honored if Don Barris beat you up. Let's do it. All right. Here we go for the first time in Guiltoni history. Don Barris is about to beat up the contestants. Oh, he's sitting back down. I can't. I can't because I have a ding-dong show. I can't hurt my voice. Have you ever gotten into a fight before, Fernando? A few. What happens there? Are you usually getting bullied by somebody? Like, hey, what's up? You smart little fucking Mexican? No, I used to run with a few bad people and so we'd get...

Oh, bad people. What are we talking about? Bs and Cs on their report cards? They don't return their books at the library? A few rebels. No, like my sophomore year on, I used to sneak out a lot and go to parties and stuff. What kind of parties? Like chest and algebra. I'm going to move my knight to spot number L7. No, I quit chest club in third grade and then I found weed. And then you returned it? Excuse me, officer, I found this and I just want to do the right thing. What did you do with the weed that you found? Put it under a microscope to study its medicinal benefits? The trichomes look amazing. No, no, I had substance abuse problems for a while. Like what? Marijuana and what? Coke, alcohol. Coke, alcohol? Like Coca-Cola?

Yeah, no, I used to put it in like Splenda. You got into cocaine? For a bit. How did that... How old were you? I was like 17, 18. Oh, he's Latino. Me too, dog. Hell yeah. So how did this happen and how wild did your youth get? It's crazy to think that you've done cocaine and I haven't. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, I'll explain it, Tony. When you grow up, you're insecure. You know, these chemicals give you... They let you escape your inner self, dog, like your mind. Like, if you're worried, like cocaine makes you like a god, eh? And you drink that fucking Doseki's homie and you're fucking... You're the best. I've been there, dog. I've been there, dog. Thank you, Joaquin. Thank you. Tell us more about how you got into this. What's your first time doing cocaine look

like? Take us back to the night. First time, I was with one of my friends and another friend of his that I just met. Yeah, what are you guys doing? There's always three people. Hold on Joaquin, just relax first. Let's get a little bit into this story. Okay, so you're with a few friends. What are you guys doing? So it was my first time doing it. My friend's like, he does a lot of drugs, or he used to at least until he got sober. He used to be fun. But what are you guys doing? You're hanging out. We're just hanging out. Could you get a heart on? No. Okay. Okay, so you're hanging out at an apartment with a couple buddies and one of them busts out, what a bag of cocaine. Bag in a key. And then, and then how did you know what to do? He showed you? Yeah, he's like, Hey, just sniff.

And then what happened? You sniffed and then what happened? And then I got high. How did you feel? It was weird. Like, I didn't like it that much at first. And then I was like, this just feels like normal, but better. Yeah. And then what did you do? What did you do to enjoy your buzz? Did you get one of those like a crossword puzzle books and just go haywire on it? You got to try Coke time. Did you talk a lot? Hey, Billy, what's a seven letter word that it means racquetball? Okay, go ahead. I was I was pretty subdued. It was weird, because Coke's supposed to make you like jittery, but it just made me like sit down and one of us into music. So I did. What kind of music? Anything really? Come on. What did you listen to? Take yourself back to the moment. Tell us the truth.

What? Is that true? Are you? Wow. What kind of music? Show tunes. I would have guessed Los Lobos or something like that. I don't even know that. Joaquin, you know about Los Lobos. Yeah, La Bamba fool. He did a rock cover of that shit on me. They're in all kinds of movies. Fernando, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that, whoa, married, married with children? No, just married. No, no children yet. Can you get hard? No. How long you've been married for? Just over a year. Okay. How long you've been with this girl? Like three years? Okay. What made you get? That was two. What does she do? She's a genealogist. A genealogist. Oh, genealogists love the fuck man. That's who did my ancestry.com test. Well, she found out my jeans were 100%

walk inks. Okay. So she's a genealogist. And what do you do for work? Well, when I, because I lived here and then I moved to Utah and I worked for Capital One there. Oh, Capital One, I represent. I love Capital One. It's my favorite credit card. Ew. Good. You don't like Capital One? Fuck no. Are you a Mormon? I mean, it's a Mastercard. Wait a minute. I like Chase. I'm a Chase. The number's 44312. No, I'm kidding. I have to know. Do they sponsor you? Capital One? Yeah. What's in your wallet? We've got a big poster of him up in the office. What'd you say? I said we have a big poster of you up in the office. Yes, absolutely. And I have a big poster of you in my office. So, Fernando, let's talk about this love life situation because you seem like you would be a

fucking thoroughbred in the bedroom. What's what's some of your go to sexual maneuvers that you like to do? I actually haven't had sex in over a year. You haven't had sex in over a year? Pelvic wall issues. You have what? No, she has pelvic wall issues. Pelvic wall issues? She has a small pussy? Yeah, it's like really painful. I want to guess you probably have like a big ass dick, right? No, I know. Thank you, Joaquin. That was a perfect time to ask that question. So, is she Latino as well? No, she's Aryan as heck. Oh, that makes sense. My god. And pelvic wall issues. So, you're a Mexican that's having to deal with a wall. All right, forget it. You are married right now? That was a good joke. Really? How do you relieve your attention?

She let you do it in the butt? I think somebody should call Jeremiah telling what his sister just said. Yeah, tell him he's fired. So, that is a great question. Do you put it in her butt? No. Does she give you a lot of blowjobs? Yeah. A lot? Every day? Not every day. Once a week? No. Once every three weeks? Is she here right now? I'd like to see this happen right now, if we could. No, she's in Utah. I have a really, I'm sorry, Don. I really have to get this out, because this is so interesting to me. You've been with her for three years. Pelvic wall issues. You married her a year ago. Pelvic wall issues. Were they a thing three years ago or did this

start right after you got married? Well, we didn't have sex until we were married. Are you serious? You're serious? So, you married, hold on. Hold on. This is wild. Did she tell you she had pelvic wall issues before? She didn't know she had no sex. Oh my gosh. Didn't you ever throw a finger in her, Fernando? No. You never put a finger in her vagina before marrying her? He's a fucking nerd. Ease up on him. Oh my God. Does the vagina have a dick in it? Like coming out? Okay, red band. Can I just say, Tony, you said through the finger. Well, yeah. As if he's pitching a deadl. Let me throw this finger in you. Curveball. This is a mind-bogglingly compelling story. Is there anything to fix it? I know a girl that had that also,

but I don't know who she is anymore, but is there a way to like, they could scoop some out? No. Okay, red band, you're out of control right now. Red band, this is an ice cream full. Can't scoop everything. We'll take a double scoop. So, let me ask you this, Fernando. You're on your wedding. You just got married. You're having your wedding night. You probably are already coming inside of your pants thinking about having sex with your genealogist wife. And then, so what happens? You guys get to the, would you guys get a hotel that night or something? Right? Yeah. What was that? What kind of hotel was it? It was just a smaller hotel. It was just close by because we didn't want to go far. Were you a virgin when you got married? No. Oh yeah. You

remember those days? Hell yeah. I had those days. Okay, so then what? You guys get undressed at some point? You have a couple glasses of wine or something like that, right? You had some champagne? No. No, you didn't even drink. No. You guys were like, let's just do this. You get butt naked, both of you. And then what's the next move? You go condom or no condom? I think we did no condom. She has an implant. Oh, she has an implant and tight walls. What's the point of her having an implant if she can't have sex? She was preparing for her, right? Yeah. Wow. What an almost cool girl to marry. Yeah. Is there anything good about this girl? Can you say one nice thing about her? Yeah, she's a... Yeah, you couldn't think of one thing, could you? Oh, my God. It's got a good finance

rate. Wow. Fernando, you might just be the only person that we have on this show for the rest of the show. This is so fucking interesting. We're at 12 minutes. Let's see his dick. Pull out your dick. Let me see if that thing looks good. Jeremiah's not here. We can't go backstage. Okay. So Fernando, so you go no condom. She has the IUD, right? The implant in her arm. Oh, the implant in the arm. Okay. The little fucking baby terminator. So then what? Do you, at this point, do you do something, perhaps some four-player something? You guys make out and then what do you do? What's your next move? We like took a shower before. Oh, you both... Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Everybody stop. Look, verify the fact of

Rockheart. Go ahead. Don's cock is throbbing right now. It looks like there is just an entire heart transplant about to take place over here. So hold on. The shower, why do I feel like you guys took separate showers on this? No, it was a... Together? And then you guys were like holding on to each other by like the waist or something? Yeah, I was like a conga line to the bed. What? I said, yeah, I was like a conga line to the bed. But no, we got to the shower and then four-play and shit. What kind of four-play? I want to know about the four-play. Hold on, Joaquin. I need to know... I need details. Details? Yes. Okay. So, man, those... I don't even remember too much. You fucking remember? This is the one time you almost got laid by your wife. Were you

guys drunk? No, no. Were you coped up? Would you bring back the coat for this one? Yeah, a little white wedding? No, no, she's Mormons. Nice day to start again. So what happens now? What kind of four-play, Fernando? What are we talking about here? Just sniff her thing. Mouths on the body and... Do you say nails on the body? Mouths on the body. Okay, good. And then you started with fingering? Yeah. Kissing. Mouthing on the body. Kiss my stuffy. Kiss me right there. Kiss my belly button, eh? Get that belly button. Lick it. Before the wedding, were you actively engaged with other women? Did you have sex with a lot of women? Before we were engaged, yeah. How many would you say? How many would you say? At least 20.

Wow, Fernando. Fuck. Fernando. Fuck, yeah. This guy has a big dick. I don't believe him, man. Absolutely. Works at Capital One. It's got a fucking... All these other nerds have the biggest dicks, man. Girls think it's the cool guy, but it's not. It's this guy. The only bankers with bigger dicks than Capital One as well as Fargo because they have those fucking horse cocks. Those Clydesdale fucking meat hooks. Anyway, so here you are foreplay. Mouths on bodies. When you say mouths on bodies, what exactly the fuck are you talking about? So a lot of like sucking nipples and... Keep going. Keep going, dude. This is the sound of you guys sucking each other's nipples.

No, I don't like having my nipples suck. Oh, you didn't have your nipples suck? No. You sucked on her nipples, though. So she doesn't have sensitive nipples. Was she moaning? Was she enjoying it? Yeah. Okay, then what happened? Then you go a little bit farther south, right? You're Mexican? It worked with the one, and then she was like, put it in, and I was like, all right, and then it didn't work. Wait, hold on. Wait, we went from nipples to put it in real fast. What happened there? So after that, then went down to eating her out, and then went for the finger. The finger was all right. Finger one finger? Yeah. Okay, how long do you think you were eating her out for? Like seven minutes? Seven minutes. That's a very specific guess. That's a good

number. Question about that. Did you pull the classy move where you put the finger in, you work it a little bit, you take it out, hold it up, and then suck it. Did you do that? It's a good move for anybody, for the kids out there. Well, thank you, Donald. Keep that in mind. So there you go. She says, put it in. The moment of truth happens. You take your raw dog little fucking genius fucking teacher's pointer stick, and you prepare it for insertion, and then what happens? And then she says, oh, and I'm like, you're good. And then we stop. And I was like, let's try it again. So we did. And then it's gonna work. Yeah. So we're like, what a fucking life you've got the rest of your fucking life, dude. How can he like stretch it out? Can he could like

put, you know, get like a trainer, you know, there's exercises. So she goes to a physical therapist that like, she goes to my God. Does anyone want to tell him or are we his name is Demontre? No, her therapist is a woman and I go there with her. It's you go there with her Demontre walking. Yeah, he's on 172nd Street. The nearest cross street is Martin Luther King. How many how many times a week does she go see this physical therapist? I think it's like what twice a month that we go. Oh, you go to get it. You watch this thing. I think you mean twice a month. What's like, what is it that they do that she like sit on a missile and they just push her down every day? No, so Dr. Red Band. Another episode of Dr. Red Band. Wow. Is that

what they do? They sit on a missile. No, they have like exercises where you put a finger in and you just like leave it there for like five minutes. Does the physical therapist put the finger in? Yeah, she has like gloves and shit. Wow. It's a she. Wow. Lucky you. It's a name push a she. You ever think about putting your mouth on the body of the physical therapist? No. Is she hot? Is the physical therapist hot? No. Oh, you're lying. Oh, you're not allowed to say if she's hot. Wow. Well, Fernando, I'm going to be honest with you, man. It has been you have to sign up again. I have literally 426 more questions to ask you about your wife's super tiny vagina. This has been an 18 minute long interview. One of the longest one of the longest interviews of all

time in the history of the show. And we have barely scratched the surface. I mean, I went straight into what's your love life like. I believe that was basically the second question. And here we are 17 minutes later. So please sign up, come back, write jokes. Your jokes were the least interesting part of this entire thing. This is actually a good thing to talk about. Maybe switch your wife on say it's a ex girlfriend or something. But yeah, dude, I mean, you'd have you'd have everybody eating out of the palm of your hand if you talked about this. And think about what a pathetic life you have for God's sake. Well, Fernando, you'll always be welcome inside these walls here at the comedy store. So thanks for coming by Fernando Perez, everybody. There he goes.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. Tony, what do you think about all this done in the audience right now? A member of the ding dong show. One of my best people I know, Mary Jane. Hello. Hey, Mary Jane. That's so sweet, Mary Jane. You want to come on stage and do a bow? Yeah, come wave to the people out there. Ladies and gentlemen, Mary Jane, everybody. Yeah, sure. You can just come up. I'm probably going to call her Marihuana. Here we go. There you go. You want to point that at her real quick? General Bogus? Look at that. Stunning, beautiful from the ding dong show. Mary Jane. Mary Jane, everyone. Can I just say she's also the reason I said that is because at

10 30 tonight, you know, we used to follow you guys when the days when you were just the little belly room guys and we used to follow your show right after. Well, I've got to run back right after this and do our ding dong show. So that's on tonight. How are you doing it nowadays? What's the format right now? We don't have a club because the club is closed. I don't know if you notice that. But we're doing a weekly at the exact same time 10 30. We're doing a zoom show. Oh, great. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, there you go. All right. All right, back to the bucket we go. Let's get another stranger up here and see what happens. I mean, good luck following the stylings of Fernando Perez. No one will and I don't want to beat his ass is bad now. His life is pathetic.

Oh, this is very exciting. Everyone. This young lady is has permission to come here the second week of every single month because she is our horoscope correspondent and she's going to do a brand new minute for us. It is Christie Bellach, everyone. Here she comes. Here is Christie Bellach. So my day job is an astrologer. And this year in 2020, I keep getting a lot of text messages that are like, Hey, Christie, what do I do about business this year? And my suggestion in 2020 is just hoeing. All you got to do is hoe yourself out, put yourself behind a paywall, get those axe sheets clapping, get some unrefined coconut oil, and keep it moving, you know, get a fucking 20% off promo stamp tattooed your left ass cheek,

and just hoe your fucking self out. Don't go to college. Don't get a degree. Don't waste your money. And in fact, when your grandkids ask you one day what you did during the great recession pandemic of 2020, you can say that your pussy perpetuated the economy for the entire year to come. Look at that. Exactly 59 seconds. A work of art, Christie Bellach. She has a wonderful attitude towards the pandemic. Heck yeah, absolutely. And I'll bet you anything she has no problem with her vaginal walls. Am I correct, Christie? Well, it's so weird because that's the magic of the comedy store is what got me in the comedy was pelvic floor dysfunction. So that's very interesting. Shout out beyond

basics physical therapy in Manhattan. I appreciate you. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're kidding, right? Dusty and Miller. Thank you so much. Stop naming people's names. Hold on a second. Are you being serious? Absolutely. You had what? 100 percent. You had the same thing? Yeah, I have something called pelvic floor dysfunction and it's from something called endometriosis. Well, it's coinciding with endometriosis and I think it's surgery for it. On your vagina? In my uterus. Yeah, because endometriosis is an outgrowth of your uterus and it causes it. Okay, red band. Okay. But I have tarot cards too. Did that surgery hurt? The surgery didn't hurt. The pelvic floor dysfunction hurts a lot, especially when you

have like a Puerto Rican boyfriend, you know? Oh my goodness gracious. Normally, Puerto Ricans are great at cleaning the floors. Oh, come on, people. Right in the corners, you know? They go right in the corners. So pelvic floor and pelvic walls, is that the same thing? Are we covering the same subject? It's the same thing and there's a solution. He can fuck his wife. He can help her. Wow. Do you hear this, Fernando? Are you excited? You just got to get her really, really wasted and just go plow it. Oh my God, all right. Did you ever go see a doctor to help? Did you ever go see a doctor to help you out with this like he did? I went to a physical therapist. It's an actual and generally it's for women that give birth

because the walls tear or and it also dudes, you know, with have sexual dysfunction as well. So like a lot of guys have prostate problems, you know, will go to a same exact kind of physical therapist as well. Wow. Like what kind of prostate problems? I think I might have that. What are we talking about? What are your symptoms, Joaquin Watkins? Just like prostate stuff. Like what? Like it, like it takes me really long to pee. How long? Like longer than a normal human. Like I'm back there a while. You're like, where's Job? I mean, where's Joaquin? He's back there. He's been like a long time. Where is this guy? Wow. But like I don't have health insurance. Like what is the issue? You can get free health

insurance right now. Are you going to, are you going to read us our futures or something cool like that? What about my prostate problems? That's what I guess that's what we're gonna ask about. We're gonna ask, you know, Christy is a specialist astrologist. She's worked on us before on this show. She's always been spot on. She brought some cards this time and we're going to figure out if we can solve Joaquin's prostate problems. You know, what's really funny is I was in Tucson and I was high with my friend, Nick, you were doing shows and these cards. Oh, well, look at that. That's actually the vagina of someone with a pelvic flora problem. So these are gifts to y'all. So let me know what questions you have for me for the tarot.

Okay. Well, okay. What would be a good question to start? You know, a lot, red band announced this week that he has bought a house in Austin, Texas, which is about to be the new hub of comedy in the United States of America. And a lot of people are moving there, including perhaps even myself, including perhaps even the entire show of Kill Tony. So my question is this for your tarot cards. Is that a good maneuver for us? Is that a good question? It's a beautiful question. Okay, perfect. And how about card number seven from the top? Okay, red band, stop messing with me. Here's what I'll do because he's a seven degree. Jesus. Oh, here we go. You already got one in this episode. Shut up with your seven

shit. Okay. He's the Austin thing, a good move for us. I have to pick a card. So what I'm going to do, how often do you do this red band? How do you know what she's doing? These baby wipes to y'all. Oh my goodness. There we go. This is it. And what I'm going to do is nothing better than a shave butter baby wiping. I'm going to shuffle the cards and then I'm going to give you all instructions. So everybody while I'm shuffling the cards, have a word or an intention that you're putting in, like a preferably positive kind. So the word I'm putting in is compassion. That's the word I'm going to put in as I shuffle these cards and or your intention. Just keep thinking of the N word. Is that a bad word? I mean, you know, if that's a positive word

for you, absolutely, you know, there's positive and negative are the same thing at the end of the day, right? Okay. I got a question. If I think COVID is that positive? Well, I mean, it's depending how you look at it. If you're positive with COVID, you know, one word. Let's keep the ball rolling. Let me know. Think of your words. Let me know when to stop shuffling and I'm going to pass the deck starting with Brian and each of y'all have your own cards. So this is your card for the rest of 2020. This is your do we get to keep it afterwards? You're hard to keep. Wow. So Brian, since your question, tell me what Jeremiah is going to be so mad. He missed out on a free thing. I got a question. Is this scary? Like, should I really think this through or

Jesus? That is so Mexican of you, Joel, to be afraid of the tarot cards. My name is Joaquin. Hey, is Jesus going to be mad at me for these? I don't know if I want to think what I'm thinking. And then all those cards are your message for the rest of the year. So basically, drugs told me to do this when I came here the next time. They were just like, this is instead of doing a regular tarot reading to give you guys these cards. So these are goddesses. I switch my goddess with his as it's hotter. Yeah, no, mine's super hot. Says I'm going to die before the years out. Who's your goddess? And what's your message? My goddess is

Machig Labrón, the diamond hearted Dakini. And what's the little oracle message at the bottom? I see the light in my own darkness. I face my ego beliefs to feel free. And you're a Leo. What's the Leo supposed to to face in their life? The refrigerator. Leadership, leadership, loyalty, loyalty, strength, and they're ruled by the sun, which is the positive and negative of their ego. So your, your answer is you have to face this like a lion. Oh, yes. Yes. That is lying on an e-bike. Look out. It's great. Okay. So I got a card. Can we talk about it? Absolutely. Mine is Sarah La Kali, queen of the outsiders. Says I have arrived. I am where I will always be in love.

What does that mean? So this is the fierceness. So the thing about you, Tony, is you're not just a regular Gemini. We've talked about this before. I completely agree with you. I would consider you, if you weren't a comedian, I would consider you a defense attorney. Like if you want another way in a career, you would be a fucking badass defense attorney. But with that comes again, great responsibility because you're looking at it from the inverse. So if we look at the two of you as a pair, you are the infinite sign together, the dark and the light. But you know, with that, you're meshing. So for Kali's energy, that is somebody who kills. Kali, her energy kills. And if we think of California with all the fires going on,

she is the goddess of fire. So she's purging. So your job right now as kill Tony is to kill yourself, bro. Oh, perfect. I'm going to kill myself. That's it. I've always said that if anyone tells me to kill myself, I'm going to do it. Coming up to see you, Brody. Yeah. Yeah. Following in the footsteps. Enjoy it. Oh, hi, Brody. How are you today? My headshots are 11 by 17. Wow. Stand out in a pile. These tarot cards are crazy. We're able to tap in with recently deceased comedian Brody Stevens. Brody, what else is going on up there? Positive push. Okay. Brody, how do you feel about the Dodgers winning the World Series? It's okay. You got it. Okay. This is, this always gets creepy really. Okay, let's go with Don's tarot card. All right. Mine is the green

Tara, the Buddha of enlightened action. Is that good? Do you want me to read what it says at the bottom? Yes. My soul informs my every step. I do what my heart compels me to do. That's beautiful, Don. Thank you. So let's work up your puss a little bit. Okay. What high school did you go to? Saginaw Douglas MacArthur in Saginaw Township, Michigan. So for you, Tara, the green Tara is the word compassion. So your job is to learn how to be more compassionate. Wow, there you go. You know what? Fuck your goddamn cards. Okay. I'm a compassionate son of a bitch. Okay, let's go with Jetski Jesse Johnson here. I got a freaking egg. Whoa. What is that? Is that like a wild card? Is that like a joker? You're pregnant. You know. Yeah, I think I'm pregnant because I hold the

universe within me. Whoa. I'm a force of an ever expanding love. Oh, that's amazing. Fuck yeah. What does that mean? Well, she's the cosmic egg. So she's here. She's the nuclear. She's bringing everybody together. She's the glue of the show right now. I absolutely agree that she is the glue of the show right now. Can I ask you a question? You know what? This is how we'll rationalize firing Jeremiah's because we had, we'll tell him that we had a breakthrough with the horoscope lady. Well, this is the first time hearing we're moving to Austin's. Well, I mean congratulations. Does Jeremiah know when you lost your virginity? Don't tell him because it will really upset the family. All right. And it's absolutely true. She does bring the entire show

together. A fresh energy, always positive, always hilarious, picks her moments. Sweet sounding, not like crazy sounding. Great musician, not aggressive, doesn't try to take things over, right Jetski? Gemini, but different. You're Gemini? Yeah. When's your birthday? June 4th. I've told you seven times. Oh, okay. Well, perfect. I'm a really good friend. Let's go to Chromacris here. Speaking of June, June 7th birthday here. I'm also a Gemini. Look at that. I'm June 8th. Did you know that? Whoa, yeah. It's a hinge cliff or something's on the calendar, I believe. Have we ever talked about this? I don't think so. Like sevens, right? Seven. Okay. So tell us about your card, Chromacris. Oh, I got a Sarah's Wadi, the goddess of self-knowledge,

and it says the essence of who I am flows effortlessly into everything I create. So Sarah's Wadi is interesting because if we think of pelvic floor dysfunction and the sort of theme tonight, that is the second chakra. The second chakra is Sarah's Wadi. She rules the creative chakra. It's interesting enough because it's also the cosmic egg sort of meshing. So you basically got the goddess of creativity. Wow. Look at that. And he just put out a new video that's out on his YouTube. So that makes sense. He's been touched by the goddess of creativity. I even got a new video even now. Wow. Look at that. You've been touched by an angel. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one person left who we need to get read and he goes by the

name of Watkeen Watkins. Let's see what happens here. I'm kind of scared right now, but go ahead, Watkeen. What do I tell you first? What I got? Just read the fucking card, Watkeen, just like we all did. Right down the barrel. Teresa of Avila, our lady of the interior life. I trust the answers. I find we hear me. I know that the presence of love is real. So I think you should try putting a vibrator up your asshole to help you. Wow. Jesus. Try. I'm a professional. What are you talking about? Sometimes Christy gets very direct with her tarot reading. I think sometimes she just wants to get shit done. Was this the punchline to this long ass joke with these cards? Because if it is, this sucks. I'm going to say vibrator. All right. Now tell me my truth. What am I,

what have to be scared of? He wants to know because he really is a Mexican. Do you know what that means to him? Well, I think for you, it's just opening your heart. This is a heart opening thing. It's actually being vulnerable because you're a Capricorn and at the end of the day, it's not about control. It's about allowing people to love you. So put the vibrator in your heart, Joel. Okay. All right. So I buy a vibe, put a strap on in my heart. I get it. Christy, this has been so awesome. Thank you so much. Another great horoscope reading by Christy Belich. Wow. I love this. Yeah. So cool. And I felt, I felt that she was a very cute girl and one day I hope your pussy works. Give her a nice shot. And the minute was great too, Christy.

Topical in the zeitgeist of everything that's happening right now with the global pandemic. And speaking of global people, this guy is shaped like a globe. This guy, unbelievable, regular here on this show. Truly one of my favorite comedians in the world and incredibly efficient and well respected door guy here at the comedy store. Another guy featured in the comedy store documentary. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great, the powerful, David Lucas. There's a new study that says that shrooms can reset a depressed brain. And it's like, who the fuck wants to reset depression? I'm at my adult depression now. I just accepted

that I was fat. You think I want to go back to my childhood shit? I think time travel is only a happy scenario for white people. What the fuck am I going to go back in time and do get hung? I don't know, man. I'm black. I go back in time and find out that dinosaurs like to eat niggas. Oh, my bad. I go back in time and find out that dinosaurs like to eat black people. My friends are getting soft. My buddy texts me the other day about his love language. He's like, dude, my love language is words of affirmation. I'm like, why are you telling me that shit? You want me to suck your dick? Heck yeah. Got it all in in a minute. Squoze it in just like he squoze into that sweatshirt before

tonight's show. David Lucas. That thing is tight as shit. That thing is tighter than Fernando Perez's wife's pussy. Don't be jealous, Tony. You put that sweatshirt on and then eat dinner. Tony, shut up. That was a great set, man. I really like the time travel joke. That was fun. Yeah, I'm trying to work it out. Time travel jokes. The joke of the night. I mean, it's just incredible. That's a real, real timeless. I mean, that's just that's an incredible joke. Definitely a lot more to be explored. You wrote that this week. I wrote it like probably sitting at that table over there. I don't know if ideas float in your head and because a lot of ideas, I believe, float in comedian's head and we're like, that shit would never work. So we don't actually do it.

Because when you're a regular on here, you want to have something that's like a seven out of a 10. So people are like, what the fuck? He fell off. So it's like, I got hella ideas that I would like to talk about. But because of the current situation, I'm not able to fully squoze it in somewhere to work it out. So you don't know until you say it on here. Right. No, yeah. And that's something that was definitely featured on, I believe, last night's showing of that comedy store documentary. It was like, you know, and it made me think about this crazy time because a huge part of my writing process, specifically for stand up comedy is trying it out. Like writing things down and thinking that

it's going to work really isn't any part of my system at all. Exactly. Maybe like the first two months that I did this and I was just wrong. It just wasn't working. But I think, you know, things like that, you have such a cool opportunity here on this show to at least get feedback from at least the people in this room. If you get a laugh in this room off the joke, that means it would obviously kill in front of an actual packed audience. All the jokes I've been doing in the window murdered this past weekend on the show I was on. Yeah, great. Yeah. So what's going on with William calling you out about the show? Yeah, I don't know what happened on how let me I'll let you see here. Since William say I didn't do good, read what the guy said.

That's what the guy said who ran the show. Read it out loud. Thanks so much for closing out the show. The whole audience had the feeling of like this guy is the next fucking real one. And I just wanted to let you know I'm appreciative and of you being on my little show and I'd love to have you back in the future. Also, who was William with that blonde chick that he was making out with? Hey, what? William is sitting in the back of the room. William, are you still back there? Yeah. Did you get a message sent to you from the guy that booked you guys? Because David did. Oh, he's not. He's white as hell. White. He was white. He was black. He looks like Napoleon. He's white with long brown hair. Oh my goodness. So you think you did better than William on the

show? I mean, like, man, it's two different styles of comedy. I agree. It's like William does 45 one liners in 30 minutes. And I like to I'm an observation comic. So I just say shit that you already know in a different perspective. You're like, damn, I never thought about it like that. So it's two different types of humor, two different like compare myself to someone like William isn't fair. Did you dress up for Halloween? Absolutely not. When's the last time you dressed up for Halloween? Probably as a kid tonight as the Kool-Aid man. Oh, yeah. This would be some this some black people Kool-Aid like this is like black cherry. Like they don't say that. Absolutely. That was good. That was good. Cool. Do you remember what the last thing you were that

you dressed up as though? A gallon of milk. A gallon of milk. Yeah. What made you do that? Chocolate milk to white t shirt and a red hat. White t shirt and a red hat. I remember you saying wow, that's it. Yeah, I mean, people were like, what are you? And you're like, I'm a gallon of milk. Yeah, bro, I develop humor at an early age. So I was always trying to be goofy. You also develop breasts at a young age. Oh, God, hell yeah. So do you do anything fun other than the show on Saturday this past week? That was pretty much that's pretty much it. Yeah, that was it, man. You know, shit, get drunk a little, not get drunk, but drink a little bit and chill. Okay. Yeah. I've been chilling nowadays, bro, especially with the climate.

Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, absolutely cool. I did. Oh, I did. I trained Saturday and Sunday. Oh, yeah, I saw Jeff was with you. Jeffrey burner. Yeah, that motherfucker can fight, bro. Yeah, fight that low. He's one of those hidden rip guys. Like when he takes off his shirt, like, what the fuck? He weighs like 130 and he's strong as hell. Strong. When we locked up, I'm like, they have you strong. Like it's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, but he can. Those are the types of people you need to be afraid of. 130 pound absolutely ripped super strong guys that seem unassuming. And the thing I hate about small guys when I'm rolling with them is that they can get their arms under your neck and to those weird places so much easier than a big guy. Right. You

know, a big guy is not going to choke me out really, but a small guy like Joe can get that little forearm. Oh yeah. It's sharp and it hurts. It cuts off the windpipe. Hell yeah. All right, David. Well, fun stuff. Keep training. Stay healthy. Stay powerful. There he goes. The great David Lucas, everybody on to the next one we go. Thank you. God, that time travel joke is something else. That was great. That's liquid gold right there. And that's a fun one to play with. You're right. There's so much you can go into. That's it. That is a diamond. Like you could even break down like what the 1920s? This happened. I love the dinosaur thing. And really it's like, I don't even think you need to mention the slavery thing. I think it's

like assumed and goes straight to the dinosaur. And then what else? Everything else pretty much sucked too. Right? It's like you could sort of go halfway back. And it's like just if you wanted your own like water fountain or something, you could look at the positives, right? Jesus is one black friend. I mean, wouldn't it sort of be better if water fountains were forget it? What the when Jesus turned water into wine, he had a separate batch for the third. Okay. Thank you, Joaquin. I pulled another name out of the pocket. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this is his first time on Kill Tony. Make some noise for David Eubanks, everyone. Hey, look what they've done to my song. Here is David Eubanks.

I kind of grew up in a different family. I have gay dads, I have two dads. And when you grow up in that kind of household, you get a lot of questions, especially from kids in high school, middle school. Oh, Dave, is it weird if you hear your parents having sex? Is that weird or awkward? Of course it is. For the same reason it's weird for anybody to hear their parents fucking. Like no kid is out there cheering on mom and dad like, yeah, dad, give it to her. Come on, mom, you can take more. Wait a minute. Dad's not supposed to be home for another hour and a half. And the FedEx man sure has been here a while. And I've heard my, I have heard my dad's fucking, yes. But they never say anything out of the ordinary. It's all the normal stuff people say when they're making love. Harder,

deeper, Carl, glad you could make it. Come on in here, pick a whole start pumping, Merry Christmas, you know, perfectly normal things. And my dad's been fucking for a while. 25 years, I've been going strong, which means they're good at it. I bet they could suck the cork out of a wine bottle. All right, thank you. Yeah, David, to my song. Can I ask a question before you talk to him? Yeah. All right, I will give two points to anybody that can name what famous commercial use that song and their ad. There was a very famous company that used that. Look what they've done. I'm going to go with Dove soap. Nope. Give us a hint,

Don. All right, Coca-Cola. Oh, okay. That's a good hint. That was the answer too. Go with Coca-Cola on this one. RC Cola. David Eubanks, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, correct? Yes. And this is true. You have two gay dads. Yes. And you hang out with them a lot? I haven't seen them in recent months. I've been kind of just hanging out by themselves. They live down in Redondo. I live up in Thousand Oaks. Oh, okay. And what's your mom like? She's super cool, super chill. You guys are close? Yeah, my mom's super cool. She's like a, like totally like a sporty, like outdoor type woman. So she took me camping. How old were you when your dad came out of the closet? See, here's the weird thing. I don't know. It's always been

rumored that everyone in my family knew that my dad was gay and that they tried, my mom and my dad tried to make something work that they just couldn't necessarily like make happen during a time when it was really not okay to be gay. You know, they're like the 80s and 90s, like 70s and stuff like that. So I officially knew about it when I was like five years old after they split. Okay. Yeah. All right. And what was that like for you? Were you always cool with it? It was a brutal divorce. So like it was a really tough thing to kind of like go through as like a kid. But you know, I mean, it is what it is. It's just, it's divorce, you know, that happens to a lot of people. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. You ever do anything cool with your, with your two dads?

Yeah. They took me to Vegas for my 21st birthday and that was a ton of fun. We went out and partied all night long. Oh, wow. Yeah. My goodness. Did your mother ever remarry? She's actually engaged again for the first time. Straight guy? Yeah. Yeah. What if she's just, she's just a chaser, you know, like. Wow. And what do you do for work, David? Currently I work at REI in Oxnard. Oh, sweet. Yeah. REI is what? Like, you know, where you buy like canoes or like the kayaks, you know, stuff like that. Oh, okay. Wow. Joaquin, what happened to your accent there? Oh, kayaks. You buy a boat. Okay. And how, how, how long you've been doing that for? Just a couple of months. I actually moved down here

in June. I used to live up in Humboldt and I moved down here in June. Whoops. You know. Yeah. Wow. How do you like Humboldt? I loved it up there. It was great. That's what? That's what? Three, four hours north of San Francisco? Oh, I thought you were going to say three, four hours north of here. No, no. It's a, yeah. Ten hours north of here. About four hours, five hours north of San Francisco, depending on traffic, you can get out of there like in Santa Rosa and stuff like that. Oh my God. That is far. Is that, that's closer to Oregon than it even is San Francisco, isn't it? Yes. And it's still an hour from the Oregon border. That's crazy. Wow. Only an hour from the border of Oregon,

which is only three hours from the southern border of Washington, which is only two hours from the southern border of Canada. Correct. So technically, it's closer to Canada than it is Los Angeles. It's bananas, like the drive from here to there's 12 hours, like a lot on a good day. You drove today? No, no, no, no. Okay. You live in Thousand Oaks now. Yeah. Why did you set up camp in Thousand Oaks? It was just where like the living situation was It's nice in Thousand Oaks. And his father's are gay. Right. Right. So let me ask you this, you did a joke about hearing your gay dads have sex, but have you heard them have sex? Yeah. Me and my step brother used to like try to turn on the TV happily,

loudly so we couldn't. Yeah, I bet. You know what sucks is when your two gay dads are having sex and you turn the TV up really loudly, but it's accidentally gay porn on the TV. It just sounds like four dudes having sex instead of two. To use a Brody line. Did you ever smell them? Yeah. Was it humid in your apartment? I bet their bedroom smells like William Montgomery's shorts. Halloween. Shit. Hey. So that's fun. Is your dad, the dad that made you, is he the top or the bottom you think? Bottom. Wow. Look at that. My goodness. What's I like to know that your father gets fucked in the ass? Okay. No, it's okay. You don't have to. Have you ever tried it? Have you ever tried it? Good question. No, my girlfriend stuck a finger

up my asshole a while back, but I didn't. Daddy. No. Wait, what happened? She stuck your finger in your ass and what? Yeah, we were like trying to do like new like sexy things and she wanted to put a finger in my asshole because she was trying to convince me it felt good and I heard that it did. So I let her let her rip. Who told you that? Who told you it felt good? It's an interesting and a gay dad's dad is like, taste the rainbow. Listen, son, if there's one thing I got to tell you, he sat him down when a man loves another man. Let me tell you about the birds and the birds. Okay, so yeah. Let me ask you this and this is a serious question. As a child, did your friends know that your dad was homosexual and did they give you a hard time about it?

Some of them were really cool. Some of them were really not like not my friends like but kids in high school and like middle school and elementary school, they just when they figured that out, there was like a lot of teasing and stuff like that. And also we don't call it a hard time in a gay household. Yeah, you came from a broken home. Oh, yeah. David, I must say this guy was not as interested in the girl the guy that had the girlfriend that can't fuck but you know, still very interesting. That's actually funny. You mentioned that that's exactly where I was going with this. When you guys when you and your girlfriend decided to start being experimental, you mentioned that she stuck a finger in your what David Lucas would call a booty hole.

Now, what else did you guys do that was experimental? I think the listeners of the show would love to know that was pretty much it. We've just we've tried like different drugs while trying to fuck mushrooms. That's a fun one to do. Well, having said that's one of the worst ones. You're a monster. So like fucking in different places like outdoors like camping like we did a hike in Sedona and we tried to like walk out there. Hell yeah, it's not it's not good. No, there's flies and shit like right. Yeah, it's nothing sexy about what ethnicity is your girlfriend? Jewish and Puerto Rican. Wow, look at that Jewish and Puerto Rican. Yes, goodness. Wow, what? Your father ever turned you on to poppers? No, my dad's my dad's pretty like mainstream

like Anderson Cooper gay. That's what he calls us two dads as poppers. Oh, look at who topped my joke. Oh my god. Wow, what a star. Wow. So tell us one more fun fact about you that we would be surprised to know you have any special skills or talents? I majored in wildlife biology up in Humboldt State University. Oh, okay, wildlife biology. You're just trying to figure out why two guys were doing it. You were like, is this does this happen in nature? Yes, it does. What's the most interesting thing that you learned at your time up in Humboldt studying wildlife biology that I love stand up? Oh, okay. That's an emotional. Who's your comic hero? It'd be good to say kill Tony is what I want to be fair. I did really love your part in the

comedy store documentary about the late nights. Like I really respect that. That was awesome. I like you a lot better than I'm never teased you about your dad. You know what? I think maybe you just think you just found a third dad. I'm collecting. There you go. Well, thank you so much, David for coming on. Very, very fun stuff. David, you bang ladies and gentlemen, what they've done to my song. She switches to French at some point in there. Melanie. Yeah. Also the hillside singers.

Melanie also famously saying, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates. You got a brand new key. Oh yeah, brand new key, not friend in me. I said brand. Now I know I said friend in me. I got to confuse with the great Randy Newman. You love the car movies. Win the row. Geese. All right. This young man has been on the show numerous times before he famously has had sex with William Montgomery's girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen, here is Mario Taunty. Is there any way he can just talk about that sexual encounter the entire time? Thank you. I'm Italian, so I grew up with a really racist grandfather, but I was a kid, so I was too young to know that he was racist. So up until I was 10 years old, I thought the

family living down the street were actual raccoons. Like, like when you're five and you hear your pappy say the colors, you just think he's talking about crayons. Like you don't find out the truth until like way later. Like I didn't even know they were called Brazil nuts until a year after he died. And like it was his favorite nut too, dude. Like you couldn't just like walnuts. What the fuck? Like yeah, he died of lung cancer though when I was 12. He smoked a carton of camel non-filter cigarettes every day for like 30 years. Yeah, he loves smoking, but he would have hated that he died with black lungs. I told that joke to my mom because it's about her dad. And she was like, he wasn't racist. They all talked like that back then. Like, it's like, yeah, mom, so they were

all racist back then. There it is. Perfect timing, Mario Taunty. Mario Taunty does it again. How's it going, Mario? It's good. I'm going, it's good. Don, I don't want to talk about it more than he doesn't want to talk about her. It's okay. We won't talk about it. Update us about your life or anything that you want to talk about with us. You've been on the show numerous times. You know how this part works. Yeah, I started taking yoga a couple months ago. I started taking yoga. I started taking a yoga class. Okay. Yeah, I got so fucking bored. How's that going for you? It's, it's all right. It makes you feel good, doesn't it? It does make me feel good. I enjoy it. Where do you take it in the ass? Pampas, yeah, right in my, right in my... This has nothing to do with him fucking Williams,

girlfriend. Get a booty hole. You do it at Pampas Pacific Park? Yeah. That's my park. I know. I see, I see Rick back there. I see him walking every morning sometimes. Yeah, that's, that's our... You see the juggler guy that's always there? No, I saw, I saw Alex Hooper there. Alex Hooper walking the tightrope. He was filming a skip the other day. It was like with three dudes, like humping air, like really, like an hour. Okay. Were they dead? Yeah, that park also has a stand-up comedy shows that they do. It does. Every Friday and Saturday. Yeah, you do ever do those? I go to them. I'm on one Saturday there. Okay. Who books that? It's all random. Oh, Ben Hurwitz is his name. Yeah. All right. Okay, I'll be there next week too. All right, man. Good to see you soon. What have you,

what have you learned at yoga when it comes to the people that do yoga? What have you learned people watching there? Man, white people are terrible. Just people in the park in the morning are just like, not my kind of people. You say white people are terrible? Yeah, most of them. Have you ever, have you ever hung around people of other races before? Yeah, I mean, most people are terrible, but like... Okay. But white people are tripping. White people are doing yoga in a park in the morning. But I'm one of them now. So it's like, yeah. Are you, what, what ethnicity are you, Mario Tanti? I'm Italian. Really? Yeah, I just said it. God, just Italian, huh? Yeah. Mostly. You don't seem very Italian to me. I'm not like a, I just finished watching the Sopranos. I'm not like that Italian,

but you just, well, I mean, I've seen it before, but I just, I just rewatched it. Yeah, no, I did that too. But uh, yeah, I'm like, I'm not Italian. I'm like watching it. I'm like, I'm not fucking Italian enough. Like they're just like two Italian. I'm not, yeah, you don't seem Italian. You don't have the swagger of an Italian. It's not about like talking Italian. It's like, you just don't have like the Italians are normally ridiculously cool. You look more like a Luigi. I know. I'm taller. There he is. Did you know I watched the Sopranos recently and Italians are like pretty Armenian? Yeah. A lot of people are saying that you're reminding them of Luigi. Uh, do you get this a lot? No, but I think it made fun of for my name a lot. Oh, you did. That's so sad. How sad.

I set you up for that. You have a princess right now, Luigi. I don't have a princess. I'm working on it, but no prince up. Here it comes again. You don't have to queue up the sound effects Mario. We're just going to do them. All right, here comes another sound effect coming right at you. How many years sober do you have now? Because I know you used to love heroin and stuff. I mean, I haven't done heroin in like a long time. I don't know. He did. It's been like 15, I don't know, 24. I have a fucking Italian does heroin. I know. He hadn't even thought about heroin until you brought that up. No, dude. Well, this year is kind of making me Tony Sopranos nephew did heroin on the show. He did. Yeah, but that's a fiction. I remember when that when that show was

out, it was like, I was like, stop stopping right around the time when that was like airing at the same time. So like, I was like with my family, like watching the episode. And look, I mean, look what ended up happening. Christopher Maltesante played by the great Michael Imperiali, who was spider in the hit movie Goodfellas. You keep it going. Who had a very big line in there? Who had a very big line in Goodfellas? Yeah. Okay, forget it. Was it a trivia? It was. Ask me. I didn't understand the question. No, no, no. Who had a very big line. He did. Yeah, spider. What was his big line in there? Why don't you take that? Or no, that was Joe Pesci. You know what? You know what? Why don't you know what, Tommy? Why don't you go fuck yourself?

Oh, you're gonna let this fucking guy out. You're gonna let him talk to you like that. I really thought I took the show into a nosedive and you saved it. Thank you. Now, I know Goodfellas absolute front to back every single word. That's what I used to watch on every sick day when I was a kid. That's how frightening my childhood was is that when I was 9, 10, 11, 12 on sick days, that's what I would watch every single day. Thank you, Joaquin. Just showed it to my girlfriend for the first time. Oh, her mind must have just been blown out. I was so jealous of her. I know. There's nothing more fun than getting to see movies like that for the first time. Absolutely insane. You know what? I just showed somebody for the first time a couple weeks ago and it was an

absolute blast and it always is that way. It was the great movie, Windy City Heat. Fuck you. Who likes to fuck? Yeah. It's my tagline. That's where I do that. Mario, we're going to keep it moving here. Thank you so much. Another great minute. Amazing sound. It's always come back again soon. Mario Tanti, everybody. We got one name left in the bucket. We're going to get another quick one up here. We're going to knock it out very quickly. And then we have a very, very special surprise. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket comedian of the night for her very first time ever in Kill Tony History. Put your hands together for the comedy stylings of Lisa Landers. Here we go.

Hey, I said hey. What's going on? This is Lisa Landers. Thank you. Hey, I'm Lisa Landers. I have this really familiar look, kind of like a Mormon housewife, but I get mistaken for people all the time. I've even gotten celebrities. I've gotten Lorna Dern, Amy Poehler, Macaulay Cockett, because as we all know, Macaulay is known for his boobs. So, you know, as I drive around, I see a lot of people wearing masks in their cars. I just have to say, wearing a mask when you're aloning your car is kind of like wearing a condom to masturbate. You can do it. You don't really need to. I guess I still got a couple more minutes. There you go. No, that's good. 53 seconds of

silent thunder by Lisa Landers. Welcome to the show, Lisa. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Of course, we're happy to have you. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? About three years. About three years. Where are you from? I'm from Ohio. What part of Ohio? Cambridge. Cambridge, Ohio. Is that near Athens? Where is that? It's right where 70 and 77 come together. 70 and 77. Interstate 70 running east and west through Columbus. So, it's like east of Columbus. East of Columbus, close to West Virginia. Have you ever heard of a place called Michigan?

Oh, fuck you. Yeah, I just heard of something about them this week. I heard a lot of Michigan. Oh, that's right. We're dealing with somebody over there. What is that, Tony? Michigan State beat Michigan in a regular season game, eliminating them from playoff contention. Hey, you son of a bitch. How's the water up there? Oh, yeah. You got that dirty Michigan water. Yeah. It's in one town. That's in one town. You got to broaden your range of knowledge of Michigan in one town. That's pretty close to anything else. Has anyone ever told you you look like Nancy Cartwright?

Nancy Cartwright. Oh, that's a compliment. She looks like that's the lady who voiced Bart Simpson. Oh, wow. We love the Simpsons. To ever tell you my Nancy Cartwright story real quick. I was at a bar and she was really wasted and she was just trying to kiss me and I didn't know who she was. And I was like, God, this woman. And she's like, no, she's too old for me or whatever. And then again, the car and then my friend goes, you know, dude, you know that was Nancy Cartwright. And I was thinking, like, how awesome would that be to have fucked like Bart Simpson? You know, and wait till she hears the voices that you can do.

Whoa. Add it to the list. Boysies from red. Impressions from red band. Who else do you got Ryan? Remind us. Remind us of some of the six impressions. Cartman. Can you do Cartman? Oh, wow. Very impressive. Who else? Well, yeah, it's what kind of stuff is it, right? Nancy. You can do a famous impression of a president as well. Am I correct? I can do Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Oh, yeah. Why Dean? What do you want, Jerry? Impression is a very impressive. We do your, my favorite, your Bob Hope. Yeah. So come on, do the Bob Hope. I'll do it quick. Bob Hope talking to his heroin

dealer. Hey, I gotta tell you, boy, I'm Jones and like a motherfucker. Lisa, tell us something wild about you that we'd be surprised to know. You seem like you've had an interesting life. Sort of. Well, I'm a nurse. Okay. I'm thinking though, I might need to meet a physical therapist. Yeah. Oh, after today's. You have a little bit of an issue down there. I love this. This is like a gynecology episode of Kiltoni. Women just coming here like, you have anybody I can see? I have a con failure night at Kiltoni. We need to get, we need, we need one of those chairs where they just strap their shoes into a red band. Come on. So what else would we be surprised to know about you? You ever been in love? I have. I have. I've been in an off and on relationship for the past

like three. With Melissa Ethridge. Am I correct? No, I'm kidding. Ever been with a comic before? No. Ever been with William? With what? William Montgomery? No. You saw him earlier. He was the Arab chic. Who should his pants? What a treat. It's not fair. She might have loved him. Oh my God. Okay. So, did you vote? I did. Who did you vote for? Biden. Oh, okay. Well, can't all be winners. Okay. What was my next question going to be before this? Now you don't even care about her anymore. Tony's next question was why did you vote for her? Did you, did you start comedy in Ohio or did you? No, I started here. Okay. Okay. What do you do for fun? What do I do? Well, stand up. What else other than stand up? You seem like the kind of lady that likes to ride a tandem

bicycle by yourself or perhaps, you know, you like to build things out of hollowed books. Got a good laugh from Ryan Jay about, I don't know where everybody else is here. I, you know, I, I wish that I had something that was terribly interesting about me, but I'm just, I'm very plain vanilla. Like what'd you do today? You woke up. What happens? I got up. What do you do? The very first thing you walk to the kitchen and what do you do in the kitchen? Make coffee. Uh-huh. What do you have your Keurig? No, just regular coffee pot, like a hotel coffee pot. Yes, just a plain old Mr. Coffee. Oh my God. How many tattoos do you have? How many? Do you have any tattoos? No. Okay. So you make the coffee. What do you do while the coffee's brewing?

I get out my supplements. Oh, what kind of supplements are you taking right now? B12, iron, zinc. Of course. All those things. Vitamin D. Are you on centrum silver or are you still on regular centrums? Depends on what's on sale. So, uh, then what? You take your supplements. I take my supplements. On an empty stomach? Yes. With a glass of water. Yes. Sink water? No. Refrigerator. Filtred. But refrigerator, like the glass against the thing? Brita. Brita. I use a Berkey. Okay. Is that, that's one that connects directly to your faucet? No, it's this thing. It's like a poor person, Brita. I piss into a glass and then I shove it in my ass. Okay. Thank you again, Joaquin for that.

You're welcome. Okay. So you have your filtered water. You take down your supplements. The coffee is almost done brewing. Then what do you do? I pour myself a cup of coffee. What do you do when you drink the coffee? I stand at the kitchen counter. You just lean against the kitchen counter. You look out of a window. Do you stare at the floor? You look at your own feet? I look out the, I look out the kitchen window. What do you see out of that window? Tell us what you see out of the window. Just strawberry bushes. Do you smoke while drinking the coffee? No, I wish, but no. So you're looking out, you're looking at strawberry bushes out of the window. And what does that make you think of? That I need to hurry up and get ready for work. Oh my goodness. So you get ready

for work. What do you listen to on the drive to work? You're about to be a nurse. You're about to go save lives and stretch out vaginal walls. Kill Tony. And what do you listen to? What do I listen to? I usually listen to the news or I listen to... What news? What kind of news? You voted for Biden. So I'm guessing fake. Thank you. 1070. Kansas City. 1070. 1070. Fake news all day every day. 24 seven fake news. Okay, Lisa, we're running out of time. Come back again and let's talk some more. There goes Lisa Landers, everybody. Lisa Landers. There goes Lisa Landers. All right. That was Lisa Landers. And now it is time for something extremely special. Ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago, this young man took a hiatus from the show. He went to go

visit family in Wyoming. We did not know whether or not he would ever return. The story is absolutely incredible. And anyway, without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, it is a pleasure for me to bring up one of my favorite human beings of all time, one of the great comedians in the history of Kill Tony, a legend from Chicago, Illinois, originally from New York, New York. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the great Michael Laird, everybody. Man, I fuck so much. When I could walk, I got bored with fucking. All right. I traded fucking for woodworking. You know how mad that makes a lady when she's like, oh, man, can you make love to me? And I'm like, nah, bitch, let's make a table. 90% of my life is carabiners hooking shit to myself. So I don't drop it. Every time I take

a shit, it's like a scene from that documentary, Free Solo, trying to find a place to stick my hand between the drywall and the walls. God, I spent I spent most of my life able-bodied in races. Now that I'm disabled, I understand what pornography can turn some mad about. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of the noble beast himself. Look at that look on his face of just pure focus and nobility. Oh, he seems disappointed about something. How you feel, Michael? I'm fine. I've traveled around the country and I'm the physical Michael Laird is no longer alive. I'm Steve Martian. Steve Martian? Yeah. Well, what the fuck does that mean? I'm Steve Martian is a vessel that is training for the consciousness of Michael Laird because the physical

Michael Laird can no longer deal with the rigors of humanity. Small talk, heartbreak, hypocrisy, both important and extraordinary. Steve Martian is a wider lens for Michael Laird, but is still me mostly about fucking and drugs. Wow. Look at that. Is Steve Martian's thing dressing up like Colonel Sanders? You fucking little prick. What are you, 27 years old? Yeah. Hey, and I will come back for the Colonel Sanders one. Yeah. You want me to do it again so that you could just hit me with it? Yeah. Okay. Is part of Steve Martian's thing that he always dresses like Colonel Sanders? Yeah. Ironically enough, KFC and the lemon, cigar, herbs and spices and also the cure for ALS. Wow. KFC ALS.

Yeah. David Lucas heard KFC and just ran back in the room. I think I look a little more like American psycho and then Colonel Sanders and I like that. That's actually a really good Steve Martian suit. That's probably hard to come by. It is. No, I went to a Hollywood Boulevard. I visited Jan and I want him to come on their show me and Zach Bogeyman. They're looking for this at this guy. I believe he is from Lebanon and it's too strong a Hollywood Boulevard. You don't know what you're gonna get. Extremely helpful. And then like I wouldn't bet a million dollars on this. He's a fucking comedy expert. He knows all about you. He's like, Oh, Tom Sicker and Motta Olsen. Like, you know, I kill Tony the

strong and then I FaceTime you when I was in the shoe shop and it's like, Oh, you must be special. Tony picked up life from one ring. That's right. You got damn right. When Michael Lair FaceTimes me, I always take it because I'm always not only am I a good friend, but I also am deathly afraid of missing the last phone call that you make to me. Oh, really? No, I'm MIA like the girl that sings paper planes. Yeah. Okay. I don't know why I thought that would be funny. There's nothing funny about it. It's nothing funny about it. Favorite joke of the night, man. Fuck. That was good. Thank you, Joaquin. No, no, but I did to go to Wyoming to visit my dad and beforehand I had sent a wheelchair and that was very small

so I can use around the house. You sent a wheelchair ahead of time to Wyoming so you could use it at your dad's place. Yeah, exactly. And they did not tell me it would not fit in the bathroom. The wheelchair does not fit in the bathroom. How small is that bathroom? Like just through the door or? It was the most narrow-ranged townhouse you've ever been in. Wow. So I sit at a hotel for a while and then one day, pardon me, one day I woke up and my phone was dead and I didn't have my charger and probably 12 minutes away from everybody and I'm like standing on the computer trying to find someone to bring me a phone charger. You know, I'm alone in the hotel room, can't walk, you know. Wait, what? You can't walk? Yeah, talking is compromised,

can't sign my name. So I'm messaging everyone. A call letter is calling my family. My dad and son, I've lived 10 minutes from the hotel and called that call and I was like, please bring my phone charger and my son. I'm like, Mike, what have we got planned today? Oh, Jesus. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? And then they were like, oh, we'll probably get up there in a couple hours and call us freaking out at this point. So it was just a comedy of errors if you want. Here's a tip. Here's a tip, by the way, most hotels have a lost and found and it's filled with phone chargers that people have left in rooms. So a lot of times if you don't have a phone charger, if you go to the front desk, they usually have boxes of them. Brian, you think I mean like

Oh, you tried that? Postmates, Postmates has 711 on their front desk. Pardon me. Pardon me, everyone, but there's a reason none of you have ever toured in Wyoming is the fucking wasteland and mutiny. Fun fact is it is true. It is one of only, I believe, five states in which there has not been a kill Tony there with North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska, Hawaii, and Montana. It's funny. You should say that because I just found out I was looking to seven for your note. My ding dong show has still not been in 49 states. Wow. Wow. Very interesting. Just goes to show. You know, that's why everyone says that show is the most like potential because like with the there's so much that hasn't been done. A lot of ground that has been turned over.

So Michael, we have so much to catch up about here. Yes, please. How do I sound now working on it? I swear to God, you know, I'm being dead serious here and I think everyone would agree with me. This is the best you've sounded in a very long time. Thank you. I'm working on it. In fact, for the for the listeners of this show, I told Michael before the episode, I said, you make Lou Gehrig look like a fucking little bitch because you got his disease and here you are getting better and stronger over the past month or two. And that he died from it. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. You mentioned Lou Gehrig because there's a lot of latest in my offering. People have always told me I look like see Martin. I am definitely more of a steam motion.

And the white suit is the worst possible choice for a man who can't sign his own name. But the stains that don't come out will simply be push pins on the map of the rest of my life. All right, faggots. And now I am and also Lou Gehrig knew he was done with baseball when he can no longer button in his journey. So I wear this very complicated arm hat and that button and it takes me a while because everyone watches, you know, and what they don't see is my body is a haunted house on fire. So she's real now. I'm still gonna make you fucking my room. I'm not gonna fuck around no more because I'm no fucks to give.

God damn it, Michael. You are a fucking inspiration. You are the beating heart of this show. I am so glad that you are back. I cannot wait to continue to play every single Monday. You bring so much excitement to this fucking show and also so much power and hope and inspiration and we love you. Welcome home, Michael Laird. And also I was telling Red Band when you were just doing a monologue, I told him I go, no one plays to the fucking camera better than you for those of you. Yeah, he's a fucking professional. For those of you that just listened to the show, you're really missing out on the incredible eye contact that he makes right down the fucking barrel. It's like he looks through

the camera. Hey, can I one thing? Absolutely. Is there anything you want to plug other than an iPhone charger in Wyoming? No, go ahead, Michael. I hosted this show on Big Ten Network years ago. Yeah, we're all Big Ten people here in Ohio State and the organization formerly known as the Michigan Wolverines. Right. Michigan week every week we would go to a different school and Michigan week I got pink eye from a stripper's bow hole flexing. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Hold on a second. You got pink eye from what? A stripper's bow hole flexing. A dirty Michigan butthole. No, there was East Chicago, Indiana. Anyway, you didn't say Michigan. No, but I pink eyed during the Michigan episode of Big Ten Tagging on the Big Ten Network and I want you kill 20 minutes to find

the pink eye. Well, luckily, luckily, you know how to handle it. You know how to handle it. Oh, there he is. He's doing a reenactment of what it was like when he had pink eye. My goodness. Who would guess that a guy like you would be capable of getting a disease like that? Okie dokie. How about one more time for Michael Lair everybody? He's back. That's another episode of Kill Tony. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. E. Bell. He drew this while you all sat there doing less than nothing. Look at that. Wow. That's great. Very special Halloween drawing. Oh, and look at Don. Wait till you see this. You're going to see it right down the middle of my chin. Look at you. Do I look good? Looks exactly like you. It's absolutely incredible.

All those prints are available at RyanJ.E.Belt.com. Guys, how about a big hand for Don Baris? Oh, yeah. Don, what do you got going on? What's happened with you? Well, follow me on Simply Don One. That's the number one on all this shit. Also, go to Simply Don, the podcast network, and we have our big three premium channel that's really doing kick-ass business. Finally, Don Baris wins. Yeah, you're goddamn right. He does. He wins all the time. Thank you so much for coming on here. We love Don Baris. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band. Truly the fucking pulsing cock of the comedy story. I mean, just a big dick to monster. How about one more time for Don, everybody? Guys, look at this. The leader of the band tonight, the great Phyllis Watkins was here.

Phyllis, what's going on with you? Hey, check out my brother's special, December 8th, and Venmo at Jetsky Johnson. Yeah, Venmo Jetsky Johnson, all one word. And also, she has ornaments for sale. Go to JetskyJohnson.com. Get your Christmas ornaments, but they're really anytime ornaments. You can keep them around 24-7. She makes everything by absolute hand, and that's Jetsky Johnson. Guys, how about Chroma Chris on guitar tonight? Chroma, tell us about what you just released on YouTube. Yeah, so you can, my little bro's special is coming out December 8th. You can download that and watch that. But also, you can go to my Instagram, Chroma Chris. My band, Drac and the Swamp Rats just released our Jam in the Van

session, which is up now. Sweet. Follow them on social media at Chroma Chris. And guys, believe it or not, that guy that known as Watkin Watkins, I believe that was actually Jolbert Jolhamenez all night. No. Yeah, it was. Jol, tell us what's going on. All right. Well, it's still Watkin Watkins. Let's see. My cousin's debut one hour special called Family Reunion released to Comedy Dynamics. Here's the trailer. It will be available to run on Amazon Prime. We got that. Pre-order now. We got it. How about you, Joel? I got the Mostly Sorry podcast. We do it every week. Me and David Deere. That's it. We love you guys. Peace. Awesome. Red Band. Hey, guys, check out Brothers and Curse of On Patreon,

patreon.com, Brothers podcast. We get them to do a bunch of crazy shit. Last episode, William got shocked to fuck. It's a lot of fun. Check it out. That's true. And yeah, fun times, everybody. We'll see you next week. you you