KILL TONY - #483 - MITCH BURROW

Episode Date: December 3, 2020

Mitch Burrow, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jeremiah Watkins, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 11/30/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything gold and pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store, Main Room, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it off at TonyHinchCliff. Wow, this is so exciting. Boy, do you feel it just running through your veins? Oh my god. Wow, thank you guys so much. Thank you. Hi, Brian. How are you, buddy? I'm doing good. How are you, buddy? I'm great. Everything's fun. It's good to be back here at the comedy store. Yeah.

Home sweet home? Home sweet home as a shut down Los Angeles. Yeah, we found out that we're going to shut down again. Very, very exciting stuff, but that's not stopping us. That's still a couple days away. And I'll tell you who's not scared. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here tonight, everybody, as he is every episode. He draws every single episode of the show and all those prints are available. Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. It's just an amazing artist. Look, he's already started tonight's episode. Ryan, why don't you give one more wave and head turn? That's my favorite part now. That has become my favorite part. It's the best. Shout out to Vito's Pizza, keeping us fed

before today's show and our friend Gino from Speedweed. Always hooking us up when we need weed and also do the great Better Box Studios, which is where we shot many of the quarantine episodes of Kill Tony. And here we are for another one. Are you excited about this, Ryan? I am absolutely insane right now with excitement. But before we start all the festivities, this is a little word from our amazing sponsors that made this episode available to you right now. Here they are. Hey, y'all. According to a recent Forbes article, working from home could transform the job market and create global competition for every role. This means that if you're an employer, you're competing with even more employers to find the best candidates for

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He's a great, great comedian. He's a door guy here at the store, part of the elite Navy Seals, if you will, of renegade standup comedians. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the great Mitch Burrow, everybody. Wow. Look at this. Moving on up in the world. Mitch Burrow, everything's shaken for this guy. It's an overnight success. Been in the game for eight years. Well, 14. 14 years. Wow. The only person to ever go from getting pulled out of the bucket to being a guest. That's right. The only person ever. Yeah. The only person ever. That's never happened. Never. Anyway, how's it going, Mitch? How's life? Things are going great. The fans of the show don't know. I have a baby on the way. Wow. Look at that. Everybody's got a

baby on the way. That first thing about me being the first person to go from bucket to get, that was a lot, but I do really have a baby on the way. Wow. Yeah. Is this the girl that you've been talking about recently on the show? Yeah. Yeah. The one that lets me have sex with her and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. She let me finish inside. It was great. Whoa. Wait. Well, how'd you make the baby? You just leave it in a little longer than normal and it's like, oh, we fucked up. Wow. But we're excited. We're excited about this mistake. Are you? Yeah. Yeah. We're real excited because, you know, babies are fun, man. They fall over and shit. So I'm excited. Things that fall over are fun. Yeah. I think you're going to be a good dad though. Me too. I'm just like, because I like,

I like when kids learn on their own, you know, you just let them make mistakes and film it and then it goes viral. So I'm excited about that. You're going to be one of those dads. You're going to be like bad baby. I am going to exploit this child for everything. Tick tock the fuck out of that. All right. Well, speaking of babies, there's a bunch of people that I have to work with every single week. They are a band, ladies and gentlemen. If their costume is babies, that is going to be insane. Every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been preparing in the back. Let's all find out together what they are tonight as I present to you the best stand band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins,

Jetsky, Jesse Johnson and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. God, we used to have so much fun. Oh, hey, we know these guys. They're here to deliver the baby baby delivery by FedEx. We've seen these guys before. I believe the last time was in La Jolla, California. You don't forget a bunch of FedEx delivery people when you work with them. How are you FedEx guy? Hi, my name is Teresa and I'm gender fluid. My pronouns are who, what, when, where, why and they. Teresa. Teresa. Good to see you again. And I don't call it male or female. I just call it postage. Wow. Okay. Thank you. I thought I made it clear in my writer that I would be the only one with a kick ass mustache on stage tonight. Don't worry,

you are. And what's your name, young lady? Hi, I'm Rhonda, the former manager of the Arizona branch, but we have all just transferred recently to the new Austin branch. People are moving. And who are you back there, young bullwing? Oh, the name's Clarence. And honestly, I hate it here. It seems like a very irrational decision by my boss to move us to Austin so quickly. I mean, we were so settled in our branch and then all of a sudden just a big move happened. Well, I'm really proud of the team for just going with the flow. Yeah, we couldn't be have any more support from our branch. We never get called babies or anything by our superiors. And we're also welcome with a smile every day. You could thank Corona for that

also. Don't forget that. Oh, Corona's the name of my if friend. All right, so that's the band. They're here. We got Mitch, we got red band, the sound board, everything. And I have four people waiting from deep in the back of the room all spread out socially distance waiting to see if, well, not really if, but when their name will be pulled. You know, they used to be at some points up to 150 people's names that they signed in a bucket. I would just pull them out. And so even more than that, so different. Instead, here we go. We know what we're in for. I'll tell you from this angle looks pretty exciting. So let's have some fun. Let's start the show. But there's no better way to do it than with a real fucking ace in the hole, you know, and I mean, a real

fucking go get our real fucking little dirty dirt ball. This guy right here kicking off the show one of my favorite human beings an unbelievable comedian a new minute every single week. He's the big red machine, everybody. It's the great William Montgomery. There he is. He is the great William Montgomery. Every night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling hoping hoping that the Miss Piggy poster doesn't fall on me. Anyways, have you ever seen Miss Piggy naked? I'll send you the link. Did y'all hear about the money Harvard gave back when they heard it was from Jeffrey Epstein?

Just kidding. Harvard condones that. Kamala Harris has come out against legalizing prostitution unless it involves sleeping with the mayor of San Francisco to boost your career. On the one hand, I feel bad about slavery. On the other hand, I watched documentaries about Africa and I'm like, damn, y'all better be glad you boarded the ship. All right. All right. Cutting it up a little early there. 51 seconds. I like it. I was hoping it'd be close to a minute, but it's not. I was nine seconds off. Yeah. You really, uh, you really, uh, that was great, William. How about a bit another hand for William, everybody? Come on out here. Still writing jokes, writing a new minute every single week.

Not easy to do. A lot of these people on this show, it's their first time or it's the return of them not being here for months. You have the toughest job and every week you just shine over there, don't you? What's, what are you, what's, why are you making that face, William? Can we, Zach? Here, can you zoom in on William's face? Why is he making that? He looks like a bad boy. What's happening? Take Zach. Awkward, awkward conversation starter. William and I dated a time ago. We did. It was nice. I loved that. William, why are you making that face tonight? What's going on? I don't know. I'm not meeting two. What face am I making? Hey, William, just, I might have missed one of your jokes. What was the one about Africa again? Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't do that

one again. Out of all the ones. I just, I wasn't sure if I missed, missed it or not. No, you just basically, uh, have you ever seen the documentaries about Africa? Beautiful place. I know it is. He does a great job. I know, I love it there. I love it. Got a new hat there. What's the F stand for? For Florida Gators. William, what's up with the face that you're making tonight? I know, I'm meeting, the light is making me do it. Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline Tony. Is everything okay? Would you, would you? No, the light's making me do it. Did you eat acid before tonight's show? What's going on? What did you, what did you do today, William? What did I do? I ate some tamales. Yeah. What did you, where'd you do that at?

It's a place, what is the place called? It's called like the tamale kitchen. That seems pretty on the nose. Do you think William has ever told you the truth about it? No, I don't think so. Yeah, the tamale kitchen, it was really good. I had a chicken and green chili tamale. Yeah, it was really good. How many, just a couple tamales, that's all you had? Yeah, a couple tamales and a couple of chicken. What are those things called? You put stuff in the middle of the tacos. Yeah, tacos, two tacos as well. Sometimes if I eat a lot of tamales, I call them two minis. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck? I'm going to start using that. That's exciting about your child. Oh, don't talk about my child. Oh, look at that. Look who's

questioning the guests all of a sudden. Look at the new host of the show, everybody. Look at this fucking guy. Can I be the grandfather? William, what else happened this week? Any other highlights of your week this week? Anything stand out to you? I almost saw, I thought I was seeing my girlfriend's grandfather die. That was pretty exciting. Not in a good way, but a scary way. What happened? She met you. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I'm trying to have fun in here tonight. What happened with the grandfather? He had a bad seizure. Was it a stroke? Yeah, it was like a stroke slash seizure. My God, how old was he? So now I've turned it to his personal chauffeur, which I didn't sign up for that. Did you bring him with you here tonight? Yeah,

I think he's in the bathroom still, maybe. There's just a seizureed out girlfriend's grandfather's? Correct. Did you perform, were you like a first responder? Did I perform oral? Why'd you ask me that? Why'd you ask me that? That seems weird. To help him stay alive. When he started having the seizure, did you try to help him? What happened? What were you doing? I was just watching. What am I going to do? Can you give us an impression of you watching grandfather? Wow. And you just did nothing? What was what was he doing? Well, the ambulance people can you do an impression? Can you look at that camera there that Zach's behind and do an impression of the grandpa having a seizure? That's what a seizure looks like. That's what you've been doing the

whole time. That's the face I was asking you why you're making. What's going on in that house? What do you have? Seizure tamales? He had little, he had little seizures. That's great. So when he was having a seizure, you just sat there and stared at him the whole time. The Pyramidics game. Well, I mean, they came like 10 minutes later. Well, if you would have done anything, that's a legal search in seizure. What does that mean? You know what that means, William? I do know what that means. Wow. So your grandfather had a seizure, but he survived. He's alive. He's alive. Yes. What are you guys keeping him? It sounds like you're just saying that he's alive so you can collect his like unemployment benefits or something. You guys

collecting a check on this guy? Yes. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. Is he in like a vegetative state or now he seems normal. He seems everything's all right. He seems really normal. I think that's the first time Mitch has ever said vegetative before. He's never seen a vegetative and he's never said a vegetative before. Well, you also got in a car accident. Whoa. Oh, yeah, I did. I was who gets one of my god that shit. Oh, yeah, I did. I went to a McDonald's on Friday morning and I was leaving the McDonald's and before that my breakfast, breakfast at McDonald's. Yeah, but you get two sausage, a cheese, biscuits and a hash brown. You went with the biscuits, huh? Two in a single hash brown. Where'd you watch that down with? Water. Water?

Yeah, it was real dehydrated. I don't take you as a water guy. I picture you the orange high sea. Yeah, I go for the orange drink instead of the orange juice. I got the water and up to this point, I mean, my car door wasn't locking properly so I couldn't, I had to hold it when I was driving and. Hold on, William. I'm sorry. Red Van just said that that was like a normal thing. Yeah. I prefer the orange soda pop to the orange juice for breakfast. Didn't you as a kid rather have the orange drink in this way? This is why you're fatter than me now. Orange juice has way more sugar than the orange van. My goodness. Substituting orange juice for the orange drink. I mean, I was making a joke about it, but I don't do that now, but as a kid, I used to do that. Yeah.

The high sea was awesome when you played sports and they had that big yellow container. I have a question. As a kid, did you have an, as a kid, did you have an E trike? E trike has been called on the field. They don't even have those. But they should. Red Van's new business. E trikes. Yeah. So I've taken a left out of the McDonald's and a. Is it a two lane or a four lane? It's a four lane. Oh boy. You're making a left out on a four lane. Identifies a highway or a traffic road. I think an expressway. Okay. Maybe it was a byway. Bling. I think it was an expressway. Go ahead, William. You're making a left. And next thing I know, I was hungover. I wasn't in my right mind. I was looking at my sausage biscuits and I pull

out and you're pulling out what? The biscuits. No, just my girlfriend. Your pull out game is even worse than Mitch Burrow. Well, in this situation, it was I was taking a left. I was pulling out of the McDonald's driveway and next thing I know, somebody's to my left, screeching their tires, hawking. Well, that means you didn't look. I missed it somehow. I've never been in a car crash. I've never been in a car crash. Let me ask you this. Did you eat your biscuits yet? Are you? No, not yet. They're just in your bag. Are you by yourself? An hour later, it turned into a whole lower deal. Are you by yourself on this trip? I'm by myself. Really? Yeah. So the bag's just sitting on the passenger seat. It's sitting on the passenger seat. I slam on the brakes. Why do you slam on

the brakes? Because the lady's coming at me. She slams on the brakes. If you would have hit the gas, you probably would have been fine. I don't know. People are coming on the other going the other way. What are you? There's traffic everywhere. We just can't remember. You just kept the momentum that you had in the parking lot just going. It sounds like a suicide mission. The only time you hit the brakes was when you saw a car screeching. When she was right there to my left, I hit the brakes. My fucking door flings open because it doesn't lock correctly. His passenger side door doesn't shut correctly, so it just flung. So my driver's side door, when I hit the brakes really hard, it flings open very hard and it slams into the front of her car. So the door flies open. Does

your food fly out of the door? No, it's just there and I'm just looking at the lady. Did you put a seatbelt on your bag of McDonald's? I put my food in a car seat. It was on the floor. I have a baby seat for my car. It was on the floor and then I was wondering if I should just drive off. She was looking very angry and why would you think that? Of course you wouldn't do that. Yeah, that's not a good idea. Turn this basic fender bender into a felony hit and run. I know I didn't. Wait, what? What'd you do? He thought about driving off. I thought about driving off. Of course he did. No, he's a wild man. That's how they think. This is our first reaction. He's a rebel. Look at the way he's built. The police would never find you either. Be able to look out for a car that when

you hit the brakes, the passenger door swings open. Right. I'm guessing you drank a lot as shitload the night before. You were probably still drunk. Yeah. I wouldn't necessarily say that, but I was hungover. Well, yeah. I've been doing real good on the drinking recently. It doesn't really seem like you're hungover, not looking either direction, pulling out of a McDonald's, causing massive accidents. What happened to the lady that hit you? Was she hurt? No, she was pregnant. You pulled out in front of my girlfriend? Yeah. It's a pregnant Hispanic lady. What are the odds? Well, we meet up. We met up in a neighborhood and we exchanged information, but I didn't get her information. She just got mine. Oh, that's great, William. Great job.

I just wanted to get out of the situation. I didn't want the cops to come. Boy. Well, she probably doesn't have a driver's license or car insurance. Yeah. She said it was her boss's car. And now I'm waiting. What kind of car was it? What kind of car was it? I think a Toyota Camry. Oh, geez. What kind of boss drives a Toyota Camry? My God. Yeah, I don't know. I'm still waiting to hear back here. I don't think you're back. I haven't heard back. No, you were the best person for this lady to run into because she's definitely never going to reach out to me. Well, how is her car going to get fixed? Well, El Hefe is going to take care of it. I hope it didn't sound like it was. My dad's busy, dude. I'm a little worried about it. I'm not

kidding. I'm a little worried about it. I haven't heard back. Hell yeah. What else, William? Anything else? What happened then? Is your car ruined? No, I actually took it to a really nice man and he fixed all the locks for free because there was like a recall on the locks. Oh, fixed the locks? Yeah, he fixed all four. Your passenger side door closes now? Well, all of them, but the driver's side shut, but now they're all fixed. Well, my only issue with that is I've never had doors open just because they weren't locked. No, no. His door wouldn't shut. It would shut, but then if you went around the corner, you could fly out the side of the car. I left it like that for a week or two. I put on the car alarm and nobody just tried to open the door because the

door would have just come open. I feel like people who just had to ride with William long enough just eventually sabotaged it so that they could get out easier. William, I'm going to ask you a question that I've asked you a few times up here. Are you really saying that this squinting thing that you're doing tonight is because of the same? Kind of. I'm not even. In fact, I believe they turned the lights slightly down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's this. Who the fuck is that? That's your. You want to shut up? Yeah, I can't hear you. Oh, you don't mess with that guy. I'm kidding, Raphael. I'm kidding. He's kidding. He's just kidding. Damn it. I'm goofing. He's right. It's even brighter. Are you getting on? It's just incredible. Are you on some kind of medication

right now? Some pills or something because of Xanax? Did you cry? Did you try Xanax? Getting. No, no, it's been a while since I've done that. Yeah, it's been years. Okay. What happens when you take Xanax? I get on autopilot and I wake up the next day and I look at my telephone and wonder what I spoke to so-and-so about for 15 minutes. So many of you I haven't talked to in years. That's what happens when I take Xanax. I black the fuck out and I call people and I look at my phone and I talk to them for 15, 20 minutes and I just worry about what I say. That's perfect. You keep on repeating the same questions over and over and over and over again too when you do that. I could. William, I'm convinced you're holding and pooping your pants

right now. I'm just going to let you go. It really does. I think those tamales are- I kind of do have to take a shit. Brewing. I kind of honestly do. I really can tell you really wear it on your face the whole time. It just looks like you had to shit. Now it really looks like you have to shit. You could be the first person to poop your pants. What if we just keep you up here? William, thank you so much. Another unbelievable performance. Fun times. It's the great William Montgomery everybody and it has begun. The show has begun. I reached my hand in the bucket. What a stud. William Montgomery. All right. The great David Deerey over here switching out the microphones. The backbone of Kill Tony. Sanitizing the mic stand. Can't see,

but he went over with one of those steamers beforehand. He grazed it with spritz. Before we moved to Austin, I used to be the backbone of this band. Okay. Thank you so much. Clarence, everybody. Clarence. All right. Pull the name out of the bucket. Here's Mohaw, everyone. It's time for Mohaw. This guy's been on the show before. He's back. Last time he was on, we found out he had a third nipple. This should be exciting. It's Mohaw. What's up, Bruce? I'm Somalian. Every time I say that, people will be like, they think I'm aggressive because of the Somali pirates and, you know, Captain Phillips. I'm the captain. I'm also Swedish, the most friendliest country. I grew up in Sweden most of my life, Stockholm. And in Sweden, when we walk up to guys, even if

they're guys, we go up and we go, hey, what's up, bro? We give each other kisses on both cheeks, hug each other real tight, rub each other's back, give each other compliments. You smell really good, bro. So we are borderline gays, but we are very friendly, not gays at all, right? So you got that side of me. And also in America, when you beef with somebody and it's over, you shake hands. We just walk up to each other and stuck on and just start making out with each other. I'm sorry, bro. But we're not gay. We're just very friendly, borderline gay. And lately, guys, I've been hitting, I've been lucky with the ladies. I've been hitting out of the park. Every girl I go home to, I've been smacking. Every girl that takes me to her house,

I've been hitting. It's because of this little thing called rape, guys. Surprised? So we see, by the way, I'm the captain now. Wow. Brightening set. Step on into the light, Moja. Take a big step forward there so that light can get you all in it. Spotlights a little. Did you say you're from Stockholm? Yes. It's weird. You seem like you have a different type of syndrome. I'm Somalia, Bob. It was raised in Stockholm. You didn't get it? No, sorry. No, it's great. Welcome back, Moja. So remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started writing in March and I started doing mics in June, July. How's that been going for you? What happens out there? You go out there. I've done mics, Gary's, Joel's, Bill's, Ted's. I've been doing, I've been trying to do

two, three mics a day now. Me too. That's only like five months, so the good news is you haven't invested that much time into it. You can still quit. I'm not quitting, bro. You're not gonna get rid of me. Wow. It's my dream. I'm doing this. It's like those women that you raped in that joke. I'm not gonna get you to stop. Okay. I quit that. You're forcing yourself upon stand-up right now. They keep saying no means no. Please stop. So what are you doing mics like during this time? Because I don't really know. Nobody can really fathom what the open mic scene in Los Angeles is like, so. It's less and it's a lot of parks, a lot of outdoors. Punks? Parks. Sorry, English, my third language. A lot of parks. All right, geez, whatever. It sounds like it's your fourth language.

It is. It's a lot more comics, isn't it? Like there's not really audiences anymore. It's more just comics. No, that's the thing. You're doing mics and you're getting no laughs because there's just a bunch of comics and they're like, who the fuck is this guy? So you just have to keep doing your thing. Does it feel like it's a hard time to be doing it or a good time? You feel like you have an advantage because if stuff was booming, there'd be more fish in the sea or whatever? I feel like it's harder to do comedy now because nobody's paying attention to you, Seth. But you like the struggle. I like it because I feel like once we get audiences, I might get some laughs then. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Look, you got one guy laughing at you right now at your hopes and dreams.

Just the voice of God just cackling in the back. He's like, well, I feel like one day when I get a chance with an audience, I'm going to do pretty good. Somebody's just like. Yeah, it might be the exact opposite. You have like a false sense of, you know, your act because no one's doing anything. You're only, what if you're only good during pandemics? Who said I'm good? You haven't said nothing yet. You're right. Nobody did. That's a really great point, Mo, huh? But I mean, yeah, you tried. What did we talk about tonight? Somali and this on the captain now and then what? What was the part where you made out with the microphone? What was that? So I was saying, like, I'm Somali, but I also have Swedish in me because I grew up there most of my life.

And in Sweden, you know, we are very like friendly guys. We kiss each other on both cheeks and we give each other hugs. We don't mind robbing and giving each other compliments. Oh, forget Austin. Tony's moving to Sweden. Oh my God. Oh my God. You're the best. The backbone of the band. Jetski. You are the best and indeed the backbone of the band. I've been to Sweden. It is unbelievable. I've been to Stockholm. Thanks. Absolutely incredible. It reminded me of like being inside of an incredible snow globe or something. I thought you were just being inside of a man.

All right. Yeah. One tip I would give. Come on. You guys do the same jokes every week. Oh, Red Band's getting hungry. One tip I would actually give you though, your accent is pretty good. Like you can understand you, but you do kind of go a little bit faster. So like when you were doing the joke about kissing your friends and stuff, I missed the whole part like that's in Sweden. That was a thing. So maybe emphasize like major parts of your act a little bit more so that it gets to the audience because that's an important part because you just said started saying that you're making out with people like, wait, what the fuck is he talking about? And if you're going to do it, don't make

up. And if you're going to do it, don't make out with the microphone. It's frightening. Thank you. I appreciate that. Also, I'm trying to make sure I hit that minute. Well, thank you for that. The most the most important thing is doing it at a pace that's that works for you. Look at you. What else has been happening? If you just cut out the rape stuff, you could have talked slower and then not gone over a minute. What was the rape stuff? I missed that part. Yeah, it's really hard to this is what's good is your set raises a lot of questions about what you were talking about. I mean, if you listen to it, you should do like Q and A's. You should just do like three minutes sets when you headline, just do three minutes and

take 40 minutes of questions afterwards. Oh, yeah. What was the one about? So comedy with Q and A right after what comedy and then Q and A after. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's the biggest hurdle you're going to have it when you have a real audience in front of you, especially since an audience is also a lot more loud, you know, they're talking, they're make their shuffling, they're making noises and stuff. So those little kind of words and stuff, you got to really make sure it comes through because if not, you're just sitting up there talking and what else is going on at these mics? Any drama, anything like that? Because when I was doing open mics, I mean, people were getting arguments, you know, there was a bunch of little fucking

slutty comedians. There was all this stuff going on, right? Yeah, all that and more. Like what? Give us something from your own life. I mean, we come on, give us something good. I don't know. You probably know this is a comic. We hang out to like five in the morning. Sure. Late at the Hollywood time. Yeah. So what happened? We roast each other like for hours. Come on. Give me one good memory of your you've been doing it a few months now. You're going to all these mics. You're hanging out till 5am. What's something crazy that happened? Oh, we did a, we did a mic. We went to this mic place we always go to and then there was like bunch of punk rock star people and got girls. And we're like, what the hell is going on? That was the thing Godzilla. Got girls. Got girls. Wow.

And I'm like, what the hell is going on? And they say, you know, we had a, we had a show earlier and they end up staying. That was the only time we had audience, actually. And they were in the front and was fun. And then they were, they were on drugs and doing all kinds of crazy. It was funny, man. It was, wow, that's crazy. Did you find out who the band was? I don't know who the band was. It's bunch of different people with their audience. Were they laughing? Yeah. They enjoyed the comedy. They didn't expect the cops. They were on drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody loves comedy when they don't expect it. You know what I'm saying? You do drugs? I just smoked. That's it. That's not what I do. I mean, if you were on drugs, Tony, and this guy walked up in front of

you, you would lose your shit. Yeah, I bet your hair would be trippy. So it's the eighties rapist. You ever try any other drugs? You ever try like Somali? Oh yeah. In Somali, we have this thing called cops. Leafs that deserve more audience. Now it's okay. That's one of the ones that was what we call a slow builder, but you would need an actual audience. Yeah, that joke takes about an hour to kick in. Yeah. That one is a, you gotta drink extra water too. Stay hydrated with that. What else, dude? What's your love life like? You out there just fucking terrorizing innocent young women? Actually, I'm still trying to get some dates on these apps. You can talk the rape, but can you walk the rape? No, I can't. No. Now, when's the last time you got laid? What was

that like? It was a couple of months ago. It was amazing. I imagine a lot of clawing and scratching. No, it was a lot of balls deep action. Just the nuts. Balls deep action. Just the nuts hanging out. Jesus Christ. My goodness. Where'd you meet that girl? On physics. This app called Bumble. Oh, you did? And where'd you meet her somewhere? Did you take her somewhere? I mean, we went out on a date, outdoor patio, and then we went back to her. When you come, what sound do you make? That's a classic for the long time. That worked almost perfect. It was the exact same sound. That's the sound I make. It really was pretty crazy. Hit the note

of the sound effect. All right, Moja. Anything else? Hey, follow me on Instagram. All right, shut up, dude. Jesus fucking Christ. Thank you guys. There he goes. Moja, everybody. You know, Mitch is from the great state of Georgia. Mitch from Georgia. Also a Marine veteran. Yeah. A veteran of the United States Marine Corps. You're welcome. So let me ask you something. You're a Marine here from Georgia. What is seeing a guy that looks like Moja? What does that make you feel like? What if that guy was like, hey, I'm moving in next door to you and yours? Sorry if you don't understand me. It's my third language. No, it's great. Come on in. I don't know why you would ask me that. Yeah, right. Whatever.

I don't believe that for a second. He's calling it an air strike. Yeah. Where's the guy? There's no guy. What if that soundboard gave me like I just fuck. Do you have under the desk? You start crying. I'll fix you. All right, let's keep having fun here. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This name is Mario Tanti. Here we go. Mario Tanti. Mario Tanti. Here is Mario Tanti. Back in high school, I had a friend that would always try to get me to listen to the band Primus, but I could never get into it because he had a lisp and he would call them Primus. Lately, I've been watching a lot of 90s movies that I

grew up on, but now that I'm older, they're starting to make me sad. Like I'm always halfway through Clueless before I realized that Brittany Murphy's dead. I watched a few Spike Lee movies to try and educate myself on black history. Apparently, that's not how that works. All it did was teach me that I'm the white devil. I think suicide girls tattoos are annoying. It's like, we get it. You love the movie, the crow, but do you need the entire script tattooed on the inside of your pussy? A lot of girls on dating apps now, they're only there to promote their only fans or they want you to spoil them. And it's like the nerve of these whores, you know, not wanting to give their pussy away for free anymore. Wow, Mario Tanti coming in,

pure momentum, the whole way through an incredible minute of comedy, my friend. Thank you. You're doing it. You're just out there fucking writing real jokes. I appreciate that so much. Thank you. I could tell that he was a writer, by the way, when he walked up, he didn't swing his arms at all. Yes. You were on a fucking mission tonight. He's not wasting any of our energy walking, you know. Pure focus. Straight to the fucking point. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Thank you. I appreciate that. What do you even do? What's changed since the last time we saw you? Because that's your best set I think I've ever seen. Just thank you. I think it was great the whole time. That was my best set, everyone. Thank you. I appreciate it. There you go. Exactly. Sometimes

you have to remind them there's a global pandemic happening. I'm not up to much lately. I'm just doing the yoga five days a week. Oh, that's helping you. Yeah, that's helping you. Is it? You think? Yeah. Do I look more? Yeah, Red Band, what does that make you think when you hear him talking about doing yoga five days a week? Well, I know he does it at the park near your house, and I'm wondering if you have seen Tony yet. I haven't. I've seen Rick Cosick and that's it. I saw Alex Hooper there one day. That was it. Yeah, that makes sense. I'd like to get into yoga. Yeah, yoga would probably like to get into you. I don't even know what that means. But yeah, have you ever tried it before? How far can you stretch? Have you ever tried to touch your

toes? I can touch my toes. It's just what I don't like to that's that sit down thing where you're on your shins. I don't know if you know this, but Red Band can suck his own dick. Pre-COVID. Come on. Red Band famously on the in front of a massive theater in what Toronto or something like that. I mean, boy. I thought it was London. The memories that I have of like shit that I've seen looking out that way. He sucked his own dick on today. Well, basically, he did do the thing. And I mean, his butt did end up just he laid down on his back. That's how he did it. He brought his legs and butt and it just folded like a goddamn fucking waffle machine. It's pretty good. Like a fucking George Forman grill. I can sort of open. I can only kiss the tip of it though. And that's gross. Who wants

to just kiss a dick? Why would you tease yourself like that? Horrible. That's what you're making your little George Forman grill tease. A couple of months ago, I had a dream that I could suck my own dick and it was weird. Hey, what? What? I had a dream that I could suck my own dick. I think we've all had that dream. It felt like I was sucking my thumb. It was weird. If you're homophobic, it's a nightmare. How have you not? Hasn't everyone tried to suck their own dick once? Like at least once. Yeah. Come on, bro. Christ. Jesus Christ. Look, I can do it. It's not all it's cracked up to break. It's boring. You can deep throat yourself. If you do a bukkake on yourself, it's called a yukaki. Thank you. Unlock the new level with that joke. Thank you very much.

Samaria, what else has been happening? Now that you're doing yoga five times a week, how's your body reacting to that? What else has happened? I breathe better. It's weird. Breathe in. You look like you might have had like sinus issues. I do. I have no idea. Which means you look to it. I'm very phlemy from all the smoking and shit, so. You're what? I'm phlemy from all the smoking that I've done. What kind of smoking do you do? I used to smoke. I haven't had a cigarette in like two years, but I smoke weed here and there. What brand? What brand cigarette? Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Camel lights. No. Mara. Parliament. No. No. American spirit. The Camel. Virginia. Camel. Turkish

Silver. Mara Red. Newports. I'm sorry. You roll your. Oh, damn. Is anybody having a Newport? I just want one. We have unlocked an Italian guy that looks Jewish and smokes like a black man. And can also suck his own dick, apparently. Yeah. Only in his dreams. Yeah. In your dreams. You're like, yeah, I had that last night. Why Newport's that? All the high school. That's what we would smoke. Let me ask you this. When you had a dream about sucking your own dick, did you do it on your back with your feet over your head or where your foot is your butt planted and you did the hard lean? He did it on his stomach and wrapped it all the way around. Jesus. And fed it like one of those beer helmets into his mouth. I think I was just like sitting in bed.

One side of Newport, the other side of his own cock. When I picture this guy sucking his own dick, I just picture him standing up and then just bending over in half. Yeah, I'll be able to do it a couple of times. Wow, look at that. A couple more months. A few more months. Well, in the dream, the dick just came off his body. As soon as I can suck my own dick, I'm done with the yoga. So wow. It's not it's not good. What? That's a second dick thing. It's just like it's it's a horrible idea. Like, like, like in your head, you just think it's a great idea. Hey, look who it is. Well, Tripoli ladies and gentlemen, Comedy Store royalty walking through the room right there, Sam. Sam, take a step right there. Look at that camera from right

there. Say wave to these people. Actually, there's not going to be any light on you. There he is. Look at that, Sam Tripoli. There he is. Multiple time kill Tony guest, of course. Many of his own shows, the tin foil hat podcast. What's that? Are you already there, Sam? Are we being transferred to Austin, Tony? No, no, I think you guys are going to stay back. Now we're going to figure out. You guys are our road date babies, probably. Yeah, maybe we can get UPS to send you out there. Sam, what's happening in the world? What's shaking with you? What are you up to? Absolutely. Taking control of the pedophile zombies. That stole the election. Yep. Thank you. And one more time for the great Sam Tripoli. Check out his Patreon he does with Brian

Callan, very popular right now. Yeah. Conspiracy Social Club. Okay, next week. Or wait, maybe not next week. Come to Austin. Yeah, come to... Yeah, I don't know if you... Wow, is this my internal monologue shouting from the dark? Are you guys moving? Nobody said anything to us yet. Hello, Tony. Why aren't you responding to my text messages? We found out we were being transferred from Twitter. We were supposed to have a meeting before, but you guys only come out of your fucking hut for pizza and then you scurry back in. Yeah, pizza hut. Did I make it on as a guest now you're moving to Austin? No. Come on, bitch. You're going to be just fine. You have a baby on the way. You need to raise your child. Do you want to come to Austin with us? Sure. There you go.

Play a song for this, man. You peasants. You son of a bitch. You don't... I was going to take the order, but then you called us a peasant. All right. Mario, anything else we need to know about you before we let you go? No, that's it. There you go. Great set. Great time. Mario, Tony. We're keeping it moving. Bye, Sharona. All right. This is fun. This young lady, I believe, made her debut about a month ago or something like that. She's back. Here is Jill DeSousa, everyone. Here we go. Jill DeSousa. Hi, guys. So when I was growing up, I played mostly men's and boy sports, mostly ice hockey. Good news is, though, is that I saw a lot of dicks. So like I knew what I was getting

into when I really got into the game. A lot of people get surprised, you know, but not me. A lot of people think that my dad is the reason behind this, like that he really wanted a boy. But actually, my dad hated when I would do boy a shit, like burp, or call him a pussy for crying at the Humane Society commercial. He really hated that shit. But my mom was actually the one behind it. She actually carrying me into every sport that I ever played. I wasn't even good. I would like chug orange juice to try to puke so that the coach didn't put me on. Yeah, it's a true story. It's really sad. But I think that my mom was actually just trying to like live her lesbian dreams through me. That's a whole other story. It's too much for the minute. But so like a lot of people

think that like, oh, I'd be really good with guys, right? Because like I hung out with guys that much. But the truth is, whenever I would like lean in for a move after a date, I would think he would be going, well, and he would be like, chill, bro. That's gay. Jill DeSousa, everybody. Welcome back, Jill. Thanks. How's it going? Good. How long have you been on stand up? About three years. Three years in New York. So right. Yeah, mostly New York. I just moved here in May. That's right. Yeah. How's that been going? Have you been running into moha in the open night? I actually have. Yeah, I've seen moha around. Yeah, you don't forget that fucking head.

Was he balls deep in you? Absolutely not. No, of course. Come on, red band. I'm not hanging out until 5am. I got shit to do. Right. Like, wow, what type of shit do you have to do? I have a job. What's your job? I work in corporate innovation. I have a good title, corporate innovation. I have an MBA and everything. Oh my goodness. Yeah. But my job is on the east coast. So I have to be up really early. Okay. Yeah. I'm just working from home. And you do it like on Zoom or something like that? Yeah, pretty much. You said that you had a story about your mom, lesbian, something that was too long for this, but now I'm intrigued. What are you talking about? Oh, I don't know. Like, me and my gay cousin, we're talking about this and we think that my mom is like a dyke low key.

Is your gay cousin a boy or a girl? A boy. Are you a lesbian? I'm not. You would think so, right? Because I dress like this. I mean, I thought just because you said the word dyke, and then I think they're the only ones that are allowed to say that. I know. So that's actually part of the longer bit, is that like I'm allowed to say dyke because I dress like this. I don't think that's how it works. No, it's not. You have to be the thing. Like, black people can say the n-word and I can say faggot. But everyone thought I was a lesbian. Oh, you could say faggot? That's interesting. I can say e-bike. My sister's a lesbian and she said the only people that are allowed to say dyke are people who eat pussy. But what if everyone thought I was a dyke for like

half of my life? Then am I allowed to say it? Why would they think that though? You don't look anything like one. I didn't look like this until like two years ago. What would you look like before? You guys could like look at my MySpace if you want. MySpace? Then you'll know what I really looked like back then. Can't you just describe it? I looked like a different person too on MySpace as well. Oh, really? Yeah. Are you 40? Who the fuck was on MySpace? Yeah. I'm 26. You were seven years old when MySpace was out. I hope people weren't looking at a seven-year-old and being like, look at that dyke. I was like 13. Yeah, probably. I mean, I did that to my sister all the time, but that's just what brothers do. I feel like your sister's going to come for me now because

she's going to watch this episode and she's going to see me say dyke and she's going to be like that. I don't think you're a real dyke. I think you're like a powerless, like you're like an e-dyke. Yeah. That's kind of a compliment, right? That's a compliment. Yeah. Low energy. Low energy. I didn't know what to do with that. Yeah. All right. But do you have a boyfriend now? I don't. How long have you been single for? I don't know a while. A long time. Years. Geez. Why do you think that is? Yeah. I don't know. I don't have a lot of time, I think. I don't know I think. Wait, you're going to die soon? You have ALS. Are you lonely? Do you ever get lonely? Not really. I don't know. I've lived with myself for a long time, so I like it. Well,

I don't think you even know what it's like being with somebody. That's what it seems like to me. Like, how would you even know? When's the last relationship that you were in? 2018. That was only two years ago. Okay, so two years ago. That's not that long. How long did that relationship last? Like five years. Wow. Yeah. Geez, Louise. Have you thought about having a baby? Because I wasn't in a relationship for a long time. Are you shopping around? No, I got a girl pregnant, and then that's how we stayed together. He's trying to get rid of his baby. He's like, do you want one? You know, there's things if you're really lonely. There's a lot of things that help you out. Yeah, without a doubt. In fact, you can have pictures sent to

you from people in your family or your loved ones with the new skylight frame. It's a photo frame. You can update instantly by email from everywhere. It's a great way to feel close to those who you love, even when you're separated. That's amazing. Tell me you're going to maybe get one of the band for when you leave. Oh my God. I got one for you. You are killing me tonight. But seriously, the skylight frame is amazing. Go to skylightframe.com, use the code Tony, get $10 off your purchase. Now. Important. Really important. Absolutely super important. Do you have a picture frame that rotates pictures with people? I don't. I think my grandma would just send my horoscope to it all the time. Well, see, that's good, though. That's a nice connection.

You'd wake up and look at the frame and say, oh my grandmother thought of me. I don't know. Anyone with the same email address can do it too. So it's great for groups and families. Yeah. That's skylight.com. Why, you guys, I'm going to buy this. This seems like a great purchase. It's great. Is there a promo code in case she really actually does buy it tonight? It's funny you mentioned that. It's just the word Tony. Oh, wow. It's so easy to remember. Thanks, Tony. You could have a bunch of lesbian stuff on there. Yeah. It's so simple that even my non-tech savvy mom and dad could set it up and use it. Oh my God. So my grandma could send me stuff all the time. Even a woman who's often confused as a

lesbian can use it. That's true. Oh man, yeah, we are a little dumb sometimes. No, we're not. We're not dumb. Has somebody asked, have you tried hooking up with a girl before? In college, yeah. You did? How'd it go? Where'd you go to college? Well, Tampa, U.S.F. You scissor? You went to Tampa? That's so crazy. Christ, red band. What the fuck? No one starts at scissoring. That's not lesbian first base. You have to have a director on set to yell that out before people actually do that. Yeah, scissor and scissor. That's a zucchini in the middle. No, I haven't scissored. Sorry, guys. What's your favorite part about doing stand-up during the pandemic? What do you like about it? Nothing matters. That's my favorite part. It's an interesting

theory. You could really say whatever you want, you know, and like no one's really going to see it, no one's really going to care. I was, I was, don't, you, you, you, you, you, you, you still can't say racist stuff just so you know. A lot of people do, I don't, he's like worried about me because I said, Dike, I'm not going to say racist stuff. No, but a lot of people do and they get away with it. The Somalian dude's just talking about raping people. The fuck? Yeah, I also tried to talk to him about not doing that. Yeah, I can't believe we just glazed over that shit. I know. I did it. Yeah, I know. I heard you. Who knew the guy with the giant mustache should be like the PC guy? Oh, yeah, he looks like an enemy, but he's a friend. He's a pretty cool guy. Excuse me,

guy, they. I'm so sorry. I'm fucking it all up. There it is. Have you seen, have you seen the sitcom step by step? No. Okay, you look like all the characters from the show. Oh, shit. You got a real Topanga thing about you too. Okay, there is. There is. Topanga Canyon. All right. Jill, what's that? You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? No, I don't. Ironically, she's great at eating pussy. Nothing. You don't know. I don't claim that. Juggle or do a magic trick or anything. You don't know. Nothing you do. You can't play an instrument. No, my mom wouldn't let me play instrument. Why? I don't know. She thought it was like too feminine or something. I don't know. I asked to play an instrument. She said no. She said we have her baseball. Put that

bass guitar down. You ever, you talk with your mom regularly? You're playing congos like a real lesbian, honey. Get away from that set. Bongos? Okay, that's that's. You guys picking masculine instruments? Well, it's just funny that her mom was like, music is too feminine. Right. I don't know. I don't have an explanation either. It's very bizarre. All right. Well, Red Band, what do you think about this? What do we do with this thing? I mean, I have a few ideas, but I don't think she's down. Oh, God. Jesus. Why would I do you off the ground? I thought you had something loaded up on the sound board. I didn't think you were actually going to start suggesting things. You're a corporate what? Innovator. Innovator. Yeah,

corporate vice president of innovation. Okay. And so like on a just a estimated value, what's the annual salary for that? Oh, no, I'm not going to tell you because I need to know if this is worth it or not for you because I used to make over a hundred thousand dollars working for Boeing and I fucked up because I do this now. Oh, yeah. Well, I make over a hundred. Yeah. So you when you leave this building, you never fucking come back. You say and you're not good at anything. You need to find something that you need to take up fishing or bowling or something and don't ruin your life. It's not worth not everyone can be Tony Hinchcliffe. That's true. That's true. Now, call her the n word man. Let it free. Let it out. Jill, fun times. Good luck. I hope everything

continues to come move to Austin. There you go. Red Band's inviting you to move to Austin used to be Ice House. Now just moved off. Joe Rogan's chuckle. At least you got an invite. All right. Thank you. There she goes. Jill DeSousa, everybody. Corporate. Corporate innovator doesn't sound like you'd need like a degree or anything forward. I might I might look into it. I know. I'm very innovative. Yeah. I wonder what that you just probably just got to wear a suit or something. Probably if you could do it over Zoom, that sounds pretty cool. If you're making over $100,000 over Zoom. Look, guys, I've just been thinking about the direction of the company. We need to be more innovative. How many hours a day is that? Seven and a half on Zoom. She's she's using Microsoft Word

processors sometimes. Microsoft Word processor. Tony wants going for Christmas. He hasn't forgot about it. Oh my God. You guys know about that? Yeah, we know everything. Yeah, there's nothing. Spreadsheets. I'm gonna get a PowerPoint. So is that true? Are you? Yeah. How did you get good at PowerPoint? I made a hundred thousand dollars a year at Boeing. I had to put pictures of airplanes on slides and be like, now this we got to take this part and put it to this part. Mitch, how does it make you feel that I dropped out of high school and we're on the same stage right now? Dude, I dropped out of high school. I had a shot at a good life and I was like, you know what? Let's fucking roll the dice, baby. Mitch, you have a baby on the way. You should

talk like that. I used to have a good life. Like the baby's going to be able to watch this episode one day. He liked his life at Boeing. Oh, making just, you know, it's just a hair over a hundred thousand. That's why you keep saying over a hundred thousand. You know, it's like one thousand. I made one seventy seven one year. Whoa. All right. By the way, that's the first thing he said to me all night without a smile on his face. It was the most. Do not disrespect the salary that I made. Fourteen. Stop smiling to tell me he made one. Did you know Fahim? He also worked at Boeing. Yeah, he was an engineer. I was in management, but we never worked together. I was I was in Seattle after he had already come to Boeing. Yeah. Yeah. It was a great job. All right. I pulled

another name out of the bucket. We're getting there. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy actually probably out of a lot of people during this pandemic that we've found out of the bucket probably is the newest star of the pack. This guy comes on pretty regularly throughout these times and keeps us updated about his life and his wild Filipino ex-girlfriend. Let's see what happens this week. It's Ryan Joseph, everyone. Here we go. It's Ryan Joseph. I don't know if you guys heard, but they're letting all sex offenders out of jail because of COVID. So I thought it stopped by. I don't like girls that are like screaming at it. It's weird. I knew this one girl. She would scream as soon as you locked the door.

I went to Catholic school and all my friends are coming forward now with these allegations of sexual, emotional, physical abuse. They could have just told me to stop. My girlfriend likes it when I send her videos of me jerking off. And she's always asking how I keep the camera so steady, but no one's got the camera skills like my dad. I've only been in love with one girl my whole life and I got her name tattooed on my arm. And it's a bad idea because every girl I date now is always like, who the hell is Casey Anthony? Wow. Absolutely incredible. My goodness. Another one just right from the get, attack, attack, attack, attack, attack, and out.

I had to show Mario how it's done. Well, I mean, I was going to say that's exactly what I was thinking of was you and Mario. And he's a friend. If you're going to do jokes about raping people, that's how you do. I have the best rape joke. It got me banned from open mic. Oh yeah? What's the rape joke? It goes, I don't write rape jokes. It's nothing funny about a woman wearing the wrong dress. Oh, it's great.

And you got banned for that? They told me I need to learn how to write and that I'm not funny. Oh geez. How stupid are they? It was called like Bert's Backroom. They would just like have periods on stage and call it comedy. I'm such good friends with Rachel. Yeah. Is that who banned Yale? I call her Rachel Conn hurt.

How many of you think we should get him unbanned here this evening? No, she's gone, dude. Well, then you're good. She got shut down. Did you go back there yet? No, she got shut down. Oh, the whole place got shut down. But she was like collecting rent.

I heard even though the lease was up, so your friend, man. I'm not saying anything. Hold on. She was collecting rent. She rented the place. Well, my buddy was going to rent the place because her lease was up. I feel like I'm like talking shit. Yeah, dude. Burn those bridges. You are. It's great.

You're on a show. It's entertaining. You can always move to Austin with us. Let's see where it goes. Let's see where it goes. No, my buddy was going to take it over. And the landlord said she like moved out a while ago to rent something up. But she was holding like a Zoom mic saying, please donate to help me keep paying the rent.

Your buddy is that weird guy? Yeah. Like Johnny or Josh or something, shit like that? Oh, no, no. That's the guy that took it over now. I don't go there. He's like, he's like crazy. Wow. I don't even know what you guys were talking. I never swim this. It's very inside baseball.

I never swim this low in the fish tank to see what's going on. Tony doesn't speak open mic. You have to translate to him. Where is this place at? Like, is this over on Melrose? Yeah. Are they like, you got like 10 minutes over like five bucks. But everyone's wait, you pay $5 and you get to do 10 minutes.

I have the fuck out. Tony's going to have a problem with that. That's how a lot of Hollywood mics are. You have to pay for time or buy a beer. It's good, though, because like, you know, what are they? Who do they have there? Why would they even have humans there if it's a bunch of comedians that can pay to get on? And because so one of the one of the draws to it is when you pay them,

then you get locked in the room until the show's over. You're not allowed to leave. Oh, yeah. Wait, what are you talking about? It's a literal comedy escape room. You can pay me $5 for five minutes of time, but also don't even think about leaving. Well, you guys don't let us in the store.

So whatever. Why do you keep on farting in the mic? It's called queefing. No, I actually like it because it's definitely what that was. What are you talking about? Was that an actual? Was that an actual fart? Did you put the microphone to your butt and release air?

I think it's the fifth one tonight. I heard two of them. One of them, he really went back to position A very quickly because I looked right over at you and you were looking at the comedian pretending like you didn't do anything. But now you've been caught. You've been caught brown-butted.

It was so powerful, I almost blew your mustache off. I've been caught brown-butted. I've had a couple farts like that. I know what it is. Queefs, queefs. I queef out my butthole, too. Hell, yeah. My goodness.

All right, well, for those of you listening, those sound effects aren't sound effects at all. They're coming straight from Teresa's. I'm trying to prove myself. I need to take over the sound board in Austin. Well, much like Teresa's queefs, the winters in Austin are short, cold, and windy. Joel.

I'm sorry, Mitch, for talking shit about your friend. Oh, I don't care. I'm in a bad mood. Why are you in a bad mood? I love this. You might be the only person out of thousands of people pulled out of the bucket that have ever found a way to properly tee me up

during this interview. I'm always digging, trying to figure out again. He's trembling. And you ride a unit cycle. Did he go to college? But not you. No. He's trembling.

He's so fucking angry. Yeah. What are you angry about? Tell us, Ryan. It's always like that, though. Like, I'm on paid administrative leave from where I work. Yeah. And like this.

Why? Why are you on paid administrative leave? Dude, like the women there, do not like me. Because they've been going on my YouTube side, my podcast. They've been going on my tweets. And they reported all my comedy to the HR

and the Office of Diversity and Equity. And I got fucking a letter ahead with all my jokes printed out, dude. Oh my god, really? That happened to me at Boeing, man. Really? Yeah. I don't know.

Does it feel good to be a published comedian? I know. I know. You know what you call it? They're fucking haters, dude. They see your fucking talent. And now they're trying to fuck up your life there because they have no dream.

Is that why you stopped working at Boeing? That's what those fucking people are talking about. Is that why you stopped working at Boeing? You got in trouble? I got written up because of some stuff that was on the internet. But I left on my own volition. So where in the contract is that? Like, is there a part?

You are a representative of the company. Like, well, I mean, I was a manager. So I was like a representative of the company. I don't, for some reason, I don't think he's in management. But I feel like... He represented at Boeing really well because he weighs 747 pounds. Well, I do not.

The women... That's an exaggeration. I'm sorry, 737. The women at your job are much like the Summers in Austin, hot and oppressive. Okay, that's really cool. Thank you, Clarence. When you asked me what was wrong at his work,

I knew it was going to start with those women. Dude, yeah. Well, it started... Like, this is the second time. What's one of the jokes that they have printed up? Can you tell us one that they took time to type out? The black, the black girlfriend one is... What's that one?

It goes, I used to date this beautiful black girl and she broke up with me. And I've been trying to avoid her, but I saw her walking down the street the other day. I saw like a rancid other side and then she called me. She's like, did you try to avoid me today by going to the other side of the street? And I was like, you're not my girlfriend anymore.

You're just black. That's a crap one. That's a great joke. Can I just... It's another great joke. I used to have a black girlfriend as well. I used to talk about her in my act. Dude, if you just put on like a hundred and something pounds,

you have a chance to be just like me. Well, I never had one. It's just, I made that up. Oh, so you... I like Latina as well. No, I'm kidding. No, I never... Black girls like me, though.

They used to say, Ryan's black inside in high school. So what do you think they meant by that? What do you think they meant by black? Just because like I'm always kind of like, I've always been kind of crazy, I guess, or... You think black people are crazy? Yeah, I guess I guess. That was one of the jokes they printed out.

Black people be crazy. Yeah. Well, no, because like I'm not, I'm different than all the other white guys. Okay. I got soul. I'm different. All right.

Sorry, is that paid leave? What did they tell you to do? Like, are they... Dude, I'm being investigated by like this former U.S. attorney that wants to Yale and shit. And she's like investigating my jokes and stuff. And I guess on the show, she's been looking at the show. Well, she's going to see what you're saying about her right now.

I don't give a fuck. Wow. I don't care. You're going to be unpaid administrative leave for a long time, young man. It's going to turn into unpaid administrative leave. I don't care anymore. Like seriously, if they said care,

because that's how you make money, what are you going to do in this fucking economy right now? See, you picked the wrong time to get fired because they got rid of that extra $600 a week on the unemployment. I'm going to assume, I'm going to assume, because that is stalking. It like I looked at the policy, right?

And it says you cannot stalk anyone or you cannot cyber stalk anyone by going through all their shit to use it against them. So you're going to counter sue? Yeah. Well, they didn't sue me. But I already talked to a lawyer. You'll counter HR?

I am in HR. But you work in HR? You work in HR? Yeah, it looks bad, I guess. Yeah. I mean, if I was a woman, I would have some issues bringing a complaint to you. I never brought it up in the workplace, though.

That was the thing. Right, but you understand if I was a woman that worked at your company and I saw the stories that you tell, because I've watched you. You're very funny. First, I want to be clear. Thank you.

But if I was a woman, I would be like, I don't think he's going to be on my side. But I'm totally different at work. I'm a professional. Doesn't matter. It doesn't. How long have you worked at this place? Like a year or so.

Uh-huh. What do you like about it? What do you miss about it? I don't miss anything, dude. Wow. Did you have an office there before? Yeah. What did it look like?

What did you have on your desk? Dude, it's soul-sucking. I just wanted to do comedy. Oh, I know the feeling, dude. Yeah. We all know it. You wake up and you do the whole nine to five. You're like, I'm just wasting time.

What was on your desk? A computer? What else? Do you have a picture or something? A manifesto. No, it was just empty. I didn't put pictures of Nicole Brownson. Dude, you want to know what the worst part about it,

because you're going to get fired. But this whole time that you've been there at that desk job and you've just been fantasizing about just comedy, and you've been like, man, as soon as I leave this job, I'm going to start, I'm just going to write all the time. And you know what? You're not. You don't write anymore when you're unemployed.

That's true. It just doesn't happen. You actually probably write more because you're in a different experience. You know, like you're talking to different people. Well, it's hard to write when you feel like there's no future of stand-up. That's how I feel a lot of times.

Oh, jeez. My goodness. I'm sorry. Come on. The vaccine's got a 95% rate. It doesn't matter. They were already talking about, like, oh, once you get the vaccine, you still have to socially distance,

because you're still going to carry the virus. Dude, this is about, like, they're going to fucking keep us down. I don't care. Just like Nazi Germany. I don't think that really makes any sense. We gave them power. They're not going to let it go. I don't think they're going to make you

socially distance after the vaccine. Well, let's bet. I do. When people say that you're black inside, they mean, like, you have no hope. Yeah, you are a Debbie Downer, for sure. Hey, I am a very happy person. Yeah, what's the happiest thing that you did today?

Do you water a plant or something? I don't have my, I still have, like, the dead plants that my ex-girlfriend left there when she lived there. Oh, no. Christ, bro. This guy's living in a fucking dead jungle over here. I've been gone. Are they, did they break up?

What, no, this was, like, two year olds ago. Oh, wow. Yeah, the other one called me. I went to Vegas to the World Series of Comedy, and the other one, like, the, dude, it was bullshit. They liked the guy. The World Series of Comedy was bullshit? Oh, oh shit.

I'm just, like, digging a grave. Fuck it, like, let's see where it goes. You're gonna watch this? No, you can feel free to talk shit about those people. Okay. Jeez, what do you say about us on other podcasts? I like you guys, man. Tony, after you called, like, these guys, like,

like, crying faggots, or liberal faggots. Oh, God. I realized that you were- Jesus, I was hoping they had forgotten about that. I realized, you're, like, one of my favorite comedians, because, well, I like your jokes, too, but- Thank you, thank you very much. Anyways.

But more your dark viewpoints. Yeah, dude, you're dark. Thank you very much. Dark humor is the best. Absolutely. Yeah, they let the guy, I made it to round two, and I got laughs all throughout my set, and the guy that got, like, two laughs moved on.

I didn't. Why do you think he moved on, because he brought a bunch of people? No, he volunteer there. Oh, jeez, this sounds like a presidential election. This fucking shit. The guy that shit a one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I asked for a recount. You know what the worst part about that? They say there's a $10,000 grand prize. The $10,000 is in the form of feature gigs throughout the year. Yeah, yes, that's how they do it. So, and each feature gig is only worth, like, $500, so you have to pay for your flight and everything to get to those places.

Yeah, that's a lot of scam shit. It is a huge rip off the World Series of Comedy. I never did it. And they use your name, and you have to promote it, probably, huh? Yeah, well, like, they have, like, satellite shows that you can pay to, like, for preliminaries. It's so if you're watching this and you're a young, up-and-coming comedian, don't do it.

Don't do it. It is a rip off. Don't do half the shit. Well, that are bringer shows. What options do we have, you know? It was really good, though, to be on stage in a real club in front of a real audience, because these people are not comics,

and they came just to watch a show, and that was really awesome. But, yeah, they said if you win... Did you do anything fun in Las Vegas off this sad subject? It's like, you know, like, snort a coke off a hooker's asshole. Did you? No, I didn't. But that girl that I talked about before, the Latina, she called me after forever and not talking to her.

Right, forever. It was like two weeks, dude. This is the one that he was obsessed with, right? Yeah, for sure. It was like two months or something, or a while. So then what happened? And she goes, are you there with so-and-so the girl that I... So-and-so, yeah.

That I fucked to get back at her? And I was like, what the fuck? That's how you say hi? And then she's like, are you there? And then she just went off on me, and then she sent me all these emails saying, I love you. I can't live without you and all this shit. I was like, wow.

So passionate. I know. Well, she's Latina. I mean, that's what you want. You want a woman who's going to like... Highs and lows. I know. There's always...

So she's the one that fucked that copywriter? Yeah. And then you fucked another chick... Yeah, to get back at her. To get back at her. That's smart, dude. That's fucking 4D chess. Yeah, and I told her right away.

But I don't want to talk about that. No. Yeah, we're not. That's it. Yeah. We had so much fun with you. Unbelievable set. Great interview.

The great Ryan Joseph, everybody. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I think he's going to end up back together with that Latina chick. I do too. My guess is he's probably going to knock her up sometime,

and then she's going to T-Bone William Montgomery pulling out of a McDonald's. Good call back. From depression to succession, ladies and gentlemen, this is my favorite part of the show, is getting to bring this guy up every single week and see the amazing, amazing talents, and just get to sit back and watch and enjoy a brand new minute

of comedy from a true American hero. It's the great Michael Lehrer, everyone. Here we go. Here he is. Michael Lehrer. Actually, I don't really have a bad week, and I'm wondering who I'm not doing my minute to talk about it.

My doctors sent six months away from having a fuck like a marionette. Goddamn, Obamacare. So, in the interim, I'd like to collect as many internet mistresses as possible. So, if I can maybe... If I can tell the world a little about me, if that's all right. And maybe the band, maybe you want to play some smooth, sexy, slow stuff. If you guys play super low, I bet we'd be able to hear everything.

Here he is, about me with Michael Lehrer. And my wheelchair can fold comfortably in the trunk of your car. I can survive slowly off cliff bars at blowjobs. When you want time alone, I can play online poker for up to 18 hours in your living closet. I come with approximately one dozen outfits, several from the wannabe black eye collection. I have handicapped parking, prescription pain pills, and the willingness to abuse both. My disease has not wrought me in my hands in this,

so I'm great for selfies to make jealous of bitchy country fucking girlfriends. They don't know I'll never dance again. Also unaffected by my disease is my penis. Simply place me face up on your bed, warden me three times a day, and ride me like a civilian masturbation machine. I am a prisoner in my own body, forcefully incarcerated, like the Central Park Five, though I'll never be exonerated. But you, my fair lady, can exonerate this nun.

Women are often attracting to me the same of those who pen pal and propose to men on death row. Not because we're both dying, but because they can tell I murdered people. The ultimate aphrodisiac. I'm willing to date high school girls. Now, before you read me the riot act, I'll only date high school girls that have been left or held back at least several years. In fact, I'll do you one better. I'll only date high school girls that got left back so many years. They went into pornography at the age of 18.

So to sum it up, if you're an 18 to 19 year old female pornographer, I will be your valentine. Wow. There's that dead stare right into the camera, the classic trademark, the slow zoom in. Michael Laird does it again. Beautiful. What a piece of art. What a piece of work. Yeah, lost the last team though.

The incredible thing is that I watched you in the window, in the front window at the comedy store the other day. Oh, God. Last week or a couple of weeks ago, and you were doing some of that material. It's so interesting, part of your method to madness, it seems, is trying stuff out there and then bringing it here. Usually people debut stuff here and then take it out there, but. Well, I mean, I kind of go with what I have. I mean, you know, for the most part, I only have Kill Tony and Mike and you have me making them in the window. I'm more menace now, so it makes the whole new one.

I'm able to kind of, I'm starting to hone in on what I want to do because I have a lot of cute disabled jokes and putting like, I want to get like really to the bone of it. Yeah, gotta balance it out. Keep those in there to keep people leaning forward and then hit them with the good stuff. He is the hottest dude I've ever seen in a wheelchair before. Absolutely. But so I don't know what happened. He's a hot dude, period.

Michael Layra's got fucking pure swagger. I mean, look at the way he looks straight into that camera. Zach, give us one more slow zoom in here on this. He's been voted multiple times. His style has changed and he actually looks. Look back. It's incredible. He looks, he looks about 10 or 15 years younger than he used to.

So good at that when he looks away and looks back. Oh, oh, oh, my God. I want a side by side frame of him and William Montgomery. That was a good one right there. Very model-esque looks to the camera, Michael. I think most women would pick him over William Montgomery. Yes, for sure. Absolutely.

Everybody. Yeah. You know, I used to be very... Surprisingly, William looks like he's gonna shit his pants more than Michael Layra. Who actually shit his pants? Just kidding. Michael doesn't shit his pants. Not yet.

I'll blow my brains out before that. No, you can shit your pants here anytime. That's honorable. Speaking of, you'd make it hilarious. It's simply stinky as fuck. No, we would buy special diapers. Ceramrap. Michael.

We would have, we would have, we would have David Deermeet. He would come over and wipe you off as many times as he does at Mike's stand. Yeah, we would have David Deermeet put duct tape around the seals of the diaper. Yeah, you ever hear of diaper seals? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is that one of the sponsors for the show? Are you about to go into a live read?

Yeah, use the password Austin Texas to get 50% off. Anyway, I just stepped on my next joke. Back to you in the studio, Tony. Hey, I have great news. About diaper seals? No, I won the world. I won the world series. Congratulations.

Oh my god, you're the best. It's a great organization. Wow. Wow. You probably looked out your Vegas hotel room and saw some loser arguing with some ex-girl on the phone. He said, I don't follow that at all. Oh, you were talking. It was him.

Yeah, it was him. He came out. Ryan Joseph. Yeah, indeed. Ryan Joseph, very funny. You know, I had a potential home invasion this week. Whoa. Yeah.

Tell us about that. So I hear a bunch of keys at the door, like a lot on the big key ring. Like someone trying in my door, key after key after key, and then they're banging like crazy. And the thing about my disease, when I get anxious, you know, in tiger mode or whatever. Tiger mode, yes. I thought he said tired. Tiger mode. Michael Larga's tiger mode.

Yes, you've seen many. I've seen many of those National Geographic documentaries where they zoom in on a tiger that's sitting on his butt in a wheelchair. They sleep like 20 hours a day. The fucking, so I wake up from tiger mode and there is a guy pounding on my door screaming. We have actual sounds of all of these things. Yeah, they're great for the flow of the story. So he's screaming and I'm like, I get what's going on in these buildings.

People get off on the wrong floor all the time. Right, right. That's what happened with that cop in Dallas. She shot him. Exactly. Yeah, we've all been there. So I'm about to go, excuse me, you're in the wrong apartment. And then Colette comes in.

She's like, Michael Larga, she's like, what's going on? And I'm like, and she's like, I'm like, I'm trying to assess the situation. And then fucking Superman kicks the door and like Jurassic Park, you know, when you're looking at the door, I see the metal band. Oh my God. I'm like, oh, this is about to happen. Yeah, you're about to switch into super tiger mode. Yeah, exactly.

So I'm sitting there, but I'm really good. I'm probably better than the rock and stressful situation. Better than the rock, right? Because you're like an actual rock. You just sit there. Exactly. It's fine. So good on camera.

I'm dead inside. Absolutely. Show them one more time without looking. Oh my God. Look at that fucking sack. Where are you? Come on. Oh my goodness.

Wow. All right. Go ahead, Michael. He kicks in. I was in metal band and like Colette is calling 911 and private security in the front desk. And I'm staring at the door and thinking, this dude's about to come through. What am I going to do? I'm sitting just like this.

You're going to do absolutely nothing. Yeah. It's the only thing. No, I mean. Do you forward, reverse, or? I am the human too. What would you do? You should have just pulled out your dick and started rolling towards the door.

You know, you would have run away. I know, but it has been classified as a dangerous weapon. Yeah. Anyway, so I'm like in my guide memo and I'm like, and I start going. Oh, shit. And he thinks a big truck's about to back up. And I'm like, you're at the wrong apartment. You're at the wrong apartment.

He thinks he broke into a retarded ghost house. Yeah. Oh, you're at the wrong apartment. Three dumb guys. What was the ethnicity of the guy? That's not important. Yeah, it is. He was a four foot tall, tiny man.

It was a Chinese guy. That's why I was able to kick the door down. I have Superman kick. It's funny, you ask, because it was my neighbor who lives upstairs. And I'm convinced they have a drill wrap recording studio in the bathroom. A wrap recording studio? Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness.

And it might just be video games, but they parted. Yeah. And it turns out the guy, sir, thought his cousin was fucking with him, but he still tried to kick in his own door. Seems reasonable. Wow. Maybe it's something else, like a woman fucking. So it was your upstairs neighbor.

Yeah. Thought he was at his apartment and just the reasonable decision he made was kicked the door down. His keys weren't working. Yeah. His keys didn't work. He thought the locks were changed. And he thought cousin's side was playing them. Oh, shit.

Did the police come? Yeah. Mike. And I owe that's the best part. Collapse like we're pressing charges or she has should we. And I'm like, we ain't pressing no charges. In fact, I'm going upstairs right now. Right.

And I'm going to talk now. Right. You have an elevator at your place or was that extra hard? Well, I thought you ever seen this, Linky? Yeah. I'm like that in reverse. Wow. Fucking cheeky bitch.

Wow. Cheeky bitch. I've never been called a cheeky bitch before. Anyway. I go. Is that to me? Yeah. All right.

Obviously, I've been out living on your stairs. See, until he called you cheeky, I thought he had a speech impediment. Turns out he's just British. Slinky, by the way. Also the name of the guy that tried to kick in the door. Slinky. Not a lot of people know him. He lives on the third floor.

Go ahead. I go up there and I'm, what were you going to say? He's like, Colette, we're not pressing charges. Now carry me upstairs. Oh, that's funny. You were talking about Bert's back room before or whatever. And I am hanging out at these places once in the wall. And I went to a similar place the other day.

I don't want to call him out of my name. Fourth wall. What? Fourth wall. Well, fourth wall is funny because 10 years ago. No, it's not. 10 years ago, I worked on a cruise ship with Second City, with Joe who started fourth wall, which is slot comic spots for five bucks.

Apparently he meant it. That shit. I don't know. When you were on the cruise ships, did you have to use your parking brake a lot? No, mother fucker. I ain't always been like that. Yeah, he's not.

Tennessee. He didn't have to use this parking brake. Jesus. Didn't have this shit back then. My goodness, Mitch. What? Why would you do that? You're a father.

You don't hear him making jokes about you. You don't have him making jokes about all your morbidly obese. Yeah. What a cheeky Mitch over here. Yeah. Tony, before the show, you offered to tune my pizza for me. Yes, I did. And that offer still stands.

You want to do it right now? That's called foreplay. Oh, OK. All right. One, I go to one of these new Islam-imbram coronas spots. Yeah, coronas spots. Yeah, like it kind of converted into a nitrous drug name for karaoke. Was that what you did?

No. Wow. What did you sing? I sing always around the way girl or dancing mother or giving a heartbreak over. A nitrous drug, Dan, for karaoke. Yeah. That sounds amazing. Yeah, man.

They got it going. One way. But they had the Tang Fry down in Bloomington. Shit, it was real cool. Michael Lair, we love you so much. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything. Michael Lair is so much fun. Here's the drawing from Ryan Jay Ebelt coming right at you.

Right down the barrel. Unbelievable. There's Mitch. There's me. There's Red Band in the band. How about a big hand for Mitch Burrow, everybody, making his debut on the panel. So much fun stuff happening. Tell these people where they can find you, Mitch.

Mitch Burrow on everything. TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, and that's about it. How about a big hand for the leader of the band, Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. He has a new special coming out, December 8th. Tell him more about it, Jeremiah. You can pre-order it now at JeremiahWatkins.com. My debut one hour special. It helps with banner placement on the different platforms.

So I'd appreciate if you do that. And then just Jeremiah, stand up on social media. And a lot of great Jeremiah wonders episodes. Love you guys. Jetski Jesse Johnson. Absolutely dropping nuclear missiles today. What's going on, Jetski? Not much.

Thank you so much. Jetski Johnson. Handmade ornaments available, JetskiJohnson.com. They're anytime ornaments. Not exclusively for Christmas. You could use them anytime of the year for anything. She makes all of them by hand. And we do a podcast together on the Comedy Store's YouTube channel.

So check out that. I did that one. And it just disappeared. Yeah, we're bringing it back after the holidays. They're bringing it back after the holidays. Sounds like a Spotify deal might be in the works with Mitch and Jetski's podcast. Guys, the backbone of the band. Of the band and of the band only.

It's Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez, everyone. Joel's mostly sorry. Tell us about it, Joel. Oh, nothing. Shout out to Ludwig Drums. Mitch, I love you. You've always been funny.

It's glad to finally see you on the show. I love your podcast with Jetski. And I want to thank Jeremiah for taking us to Arizona to open for him this week. And it was great. That looked like fun. Red band. Nothing much, guys. Thank you.

There you go. We'll see you next week. Goodbye.