KILL TONY - #484 - JEREMIAH WATKINS

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

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Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything gold and pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the world's famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for a Tony Hatchcraft. Yippee-doo-da-day. And again, good evening and welcome everybody. What's going on, buddy? Ryan Red Band and I are here for another fun episode of Kill Tony. Feels just right in this room. Yeah, it feels great.

Here in beautiful West Hollywood, California, which is shut down. Yeah, happened last week. About to be shut down. And now it's shut down. But now we're about to be shut down. It's incredible, but we're going to have fun. It's been a good week since the last episode. Boy, it just feels like yesterday. Feels like the same exact day, but without a sweatshirt. I'm excited to be here. We're going to have a lot of fun. The great Ryan Jebelt is here. Look at him, everybody. Ryan, give these people a wave. Every single episode is drawn out by Ryan

Jebelt. And those prints are all for sale at ryanjebelt.com. Some limited edition Kill Tony stuff, some drawings, all the tour posters, and a bunch of other cool stuff. Ryanjebelt.com for all of his amazing artwork. He has already started drawing tonight's episode. How about a big hand for Vito's pizza on delicious, delicious foods and pizza. Las Cienega Boulevard between Santa Monica and Melrose. I love it. I go there once, twice, three times a week. A lot of fun, a lot of good time. Shout out to Charlie, our guy keeping us all thick and happy. And a big hand for the great Gino, everyone. He's here. Every single week. Since the inception of this show, right up there

with Lainey and Jerry, if we had a Hall of Fame for people that are diehard fans of the show, they would be right there, right at the tippy top. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of episodes. So let's get into tonight's. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm excited about it, but before we do, here's a little bit more from the incredible sponsors that made this all possible for you. Hey, y'all. The holidays are just around the corner. Are you looking for a way to stay connected with loved ones during the holidays? Well, I'm telling you, this skylight frame that I got the other day is unbelievable. Easy to upload tons of pictures of the family. I feel like they're there and I don't have to argue with them. It's absolutely incredible. After I got my

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excited. Are you guys excited? This is one of those really cool moments on the show where I bring out a guest who is very special to the show. This young man made his debut years ago as one of the first ever panel guests of the show or one of our first ever road shows in La Jolla. This guy was on panel and then we saw him again and again and again. And then he joined Pat Reagan, the former band leader of Kill Tony as a band mate for a few episodes. And then he was part of the band and then Pat left and he was the band leader leading Joel Jimenez and Chroma Chris to great, great levels and then Jetski Johnson. He is the leader of the Kill Tony band. Tonight's guest has a brand new special coming out this week, December 8th available on Amazon and all platforms at

JeremiahWalkins.com. Guess who it is? It's the leader of the best band in the land, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Wow. Need you. It's from the bomb and we locked eyes. My surprise. There he is. Jeremiah Watkins. He brought some albums with him, perhaps to give away to people. No, there's a couple special people on the inside that the special things are made out to. And the first comedians are Tony Hinchcliff and Brian Redmayne. Look at that. That's so cool, man. Are you excited about this? I'm really excited. These copies are for you guys. I did bring you guys. Wow. So it turns out some lucky people will be getting free copies of Jeremiah's special

I'm kidding. I'm going to keep this. I'm going to put it on my shelf. It's going to look like you're just sitting there. I know. Jeremiah Watkins family reunion, December 8th. How exciting. The debut special from the little baby gorilla himself, Jeremiah Watkins, a guy who, wow, what a history we have. We've been all around the world together. Dude, the monster energy drink tour in 2017. That was one of the things. 27 cities in a month. Yeah, it was insane. And it was, we did two man shows where I do half an hour and then Tony would do an hour. And that's where, you know, I developed a lot of chops that like, you know, goddamn right, make you closer to becoming a headliner and stuff like that and get you more comfortable on stage. So yeah, I'm super grateful

to you guys. And you got introduced to a lot of the club bookers, the owners, the general managers. I go, this is my friend Jeremiah. They know me as a worker bee. I put in a good word and look at, you know, you're all grown up. You're ready to fly away. And that's why he's here to announce he's no longer going to be part of the band. Everybody. It's very exciting. He's moving on. He's moved on with his own special. He figures why be part of an ensemble. By the way, I don't think we've talked about this a couple of weeks. Self-promotion never ends. The world's smallest. This isn't even an actual size of a DVD. And a couple of weeks ago, by the way, Bravo, I don't think we've even talked about this.

You were out of town doing shows in New York, I believe, and you had the band or the band was all dressed up as different walk-ins, brothers and sisters. And the idea of you throwing in advertising for your special through them was Bravo. That was one of the funniest. That was Joel's idea. That was actually Joel's idea. It was brilliant. I actually had nothing to do with it. And he told me they were going to do it. I was like, dude, if you do that, just make sure Tony knows. That was not me by the way. Yeah. Well, they didn't make sure. I assumed it was you the whole time. I've been fuming about it. I'm kidding. Well, Jeremiah, it's funny. I can't believe I get to tell you this, but I don't know if you know this or not, but there is a band on

this show. There is a band. Yes, there is. Every single week, they commit to being different characters and stay in character. I never know what they're going to be. Do you know what they're going to be? This is an interesting one. I feel like you probably do this time because you're a little show biz. You like to peel the curtain back. Yeah, yeah. We'll find out together. Let's find out what they are together. It's the best stand band in the land, the Kiltoni band, Jetsky, Jesse Johnson, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, six J's, two humans. Oh shit. We've seen this before. Wow. This is very exciting. I believe it's Bill Billingsley, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary heavy drinker. Just always is having a meltdown. These are old timey characters and Jetsky,

Johnson, remind me of your name. Hey, I'm Starla. Unfortunately, Billingsley. Oh, Starla Billingsley. You're the ex-wife of Bill? No, unfortunately, we're still married. Whoa. Isn't she just a beach? Bill, what's going on? Bill Billingsley, one of the most famous characters in Kiltoni history. Actually, Tony, I've been cleaning sober for about a year now. Life is going great. Wow. I just have some water tonight. Everything's going well. Seems like your marriage is going good. Yeah. I mean, I love her to death. I mean, she's really just such a wonderful woman. I'm just happy. You know, she's had my back throughout the everything, you know. What do you mean? Are you gaining sobriety? She had your back? Yeah. I mean, I'm in the program. You know, I'm in the

program. I don't know what this guy's laughing about. Red Band instantly is commenting on Starla's boobs. Oh, Red Band. You're so pointy. Thank God. Red Band, you're a monster. So what 50s boobs look like, Red Band? I was like, I never saw that before. It's 50s boobs. I've never seen a set of boobs that didn't look like that. I don't know what you're laughing at. Red Band's never wished that he lived in the 50s more than right now. He's like, I'm going to go back. I'm going to build a time machine. That's what I could say point of boobs. I've never seen boob character work before. It's like eight bit. I'm going to build an E time machine. Starla, if you're not happy with Bill, why do you stay with them? Because it's the 50s. Well, honestly, Tony, I'm not drinking, but I am

still beating this shit out of my wife. It takes the edge off. Wow. This is a couple from the 50s. Starla Billingsley, Bill Billingsley, Jeremiah Watkins, the real man, Jeremiah, not in character, the real human being in the flesh. Jeremiah is going to be with us all night. Red Band and his soundboard. You guys ready to start the show? Should we do this? Huh? I'm excited. This should be very, very much fun. There's only one way to get this party started. It's with a goddamn perfect little fucking man biscuit. This guy right here writes a brand new minute every single week. He was panicking earlier. He said he might not be ready for this one. So let's see what happens. He lowered the expectations. I'm excited to see what's going to happen. One of my favorite top

young rising comedians in the world. It's the one, the only, the big red machine, William Montgomery. Here he is. Happy Thanksgiving, Indiana. Anne Frank wrote in her diary that she and her best friend Marta would be best friends forever. I'll have to take her word for it. Anne Frank wrote some pretty funny jokes in her diary, mostly racist, but you know how the Jews are. Kamala Harris says her favorite word is progression and her favorite sentence is life without parole for possession of marijuana. You know that stuff that they throw into the fire at the beginning of every episode of

Are You Afraid of the Dark? Yeah, I can get you an ounce for 120. At this point, is there really any celebrity that didn't die of COVID in 2020 other than George Floyd? Wow, real, real closer there, William Montgomery. Had nothing but fire missiles throughout that. I have nothing but respect for George Floyd. Yeah, is that a George Floyd hat you're wearing? You could be speaking in Spanish right now. I don't understand you. It's got an F on it. Is that in honor of Floyd? Floyd, George Floyd. That's what the F stands for. I love him. Why? What do you love about him? That he didn't tap out when the cops

knee was on the back of his fucking neck. I respect that about him. I respect that about him. I don't think tapping out was an option. He had his hands cuffed behind his back. Well, that's hearsay. No, that's what happened. It's on video. I don't know if that's what happens like on Predator 1 when the guy was shaving in the jungle and accidentally broke his razor while shaving and blood came out. A lot of people compare the George Floyd murder to that. I've heard that. Yeah. Who are these people we're talking about and what is Predator 1? It's a movie. Huh? What's a movie? Are you Hispanic?

They had movies. No, I'm 100% white. They had movies in the 50s, Bill. They had motion pictures in the 50s. What's a movie? When it started. Yeah, what's a movie? Get them out of here. Well, I've been drunk for the last 30 years. Yeah, I believe it. Aren't you on a 12-step program? I am now and that's why I'm asking what are these things? What are these things? I'm in a 12-step program. I don't like this. I don't like you. Somebody's been joking. Bill, relax. Bill, relax. I'm calling down Bill. I like it when William gets fired up.

Bill, just take a breath. I'm fired up. I'm going to call my sponsor. I'll see you guys. Will versus Bill. Predator 2. Hey, did you all see that movie? Your eyes are better now. Last week, you had some problems with your eyes. What happened? Yeah, you look much better. It is something called... What are those things you put in your eyes that help you with red eyes? Eye drops. Lisks. Yeah, I did eye drops. Oh, wow.

Really helped. Also helps with my diet. Yeah, you drank some of them? No, I'm eating salads now. Wow, what kind of salads? Pesto salad. Pesto salad? Keep your mouth shut. That's not funny. What do you mean pesto... What do you mean pesto salad? Potato salad probably is what he meant. Potato salad? I'm eating potato salad. William, I've never heard you use that voice before. I knew a potato salad. Is that your potato salad?

I ain't potato salad. Is that your impression of potato salad? I'm eating a potato salad. What else does that guy eat? I mean corn. Corn and potato salad? What's your main dish? I mean tortillas. Just tortillas? What are you putting in there? Just tortillas. What are you putting in there? What corn? And what? Potato salad. And what else? Potato salad? What do you mean what else?

What are you drinking with it? Prune juice. Wow, big twist there at the end. If anyone watching us, especially people in Malaysia, if y'all have tummy issues, drink prune juice. Ah, what does it do to you? Look right at that camera and tell them what the benefits of prune juice are. You're the new spokesman for prune juice. Go right down the barrel. Slow zoom, Zach, and here we go. How's it going? My name is Philip Martinez. I am currently in Malaysia with all of y'all.

Start drinking prune juice. It really helps with your tummy. I learned it from my father Larry. It helps you do do. There you go. Perfect. That is some just high quality. That's for the smart fans right there. Tony, can I just say? It's a little something. I've never seen, I never ever get to see this angle of the sound board.

And Red Band has a program open called Tap and Fart. I've literally been looking at that app for seven and a half years. Everything else has changed and evolved over the years, but there's always been one entire program called Tap and Fart. And he always gives me like, wait a minute, just give it a second. Right. I always have to like hold him back because he literally once he opens the app. Hey Red Band, is that what makes it funny? Okay, you're allowed one in episode Red Band.

Hey William, if you ever want to quit drinking, I'll give you my phone number. I'm in the program now and I've done it for about a year. Cool. What's your phone number? Quit fucking talking to me. You guys seem to have a real bad chemistry. You can say that. You just remind me of who I used to be Tony. I used to be this guy.

Yeah, really? Now I look at you and I just feel sad. I feel pity. And then shut the fuck up. Your face is fucking swollen. Don't ever talk to me like that. It is almost Thanksgiving. It's already Thanksgiving.

Yeah, be thankful. I don't kick that fucking ass. Don't kick that fuck. Shut up. What are you doing? What are you doing for Thanksgiving William? Last week. Yeah, what did you do for Thanksgiving?

What did you do? So for Thanksgiving, I made a really good turkey. I was really proud of it. I made stuffed-ins. I made chicken and stuffed-ins. How did you make it? What was their prep for the stuffed-ins? It is cans of biscuits that you put in the crock-pot

along with cans of chicken. It's called chicken and stuff-ins. It's a real big hit. During Thanksgiving, word to the wise, if you have an elder person you're cooking for that recently had a seizure, don't make chicken and stuff-ins, it's filled with salt. You're going to have, you're going to have,

you're going to have the ambulance there on Thanksgiving and not have a fun time. Perfect. Why didn't you all help me on that? I thought y'all were going to help me on that. It felt like you were doing a Jeopardy question where you said, like, we're going, what is, and then you kept talking

and you're waiting for Alex Trebek to end. And I just want to give a shout out to the African-American man up there who did the light down a little bit. It was good. It actually looked great on camera. Yeah, thank you so much. What are you looking at up there, you piece of shit?

No, don't insult the lighting guy. I like that because we don't, the African-Americans, I feel the same way about, maybe we are closer than I thought. Well, you're married to one. Well, Starla is actually white right here. This is my wife right here. Hey, so you did all that cooking for Thanksgiving yourself?

I did a bunch of cooking. Whole bunch of cooking. How long did you cook the stuffing for? He did the cooking. Yeah, I did the cooking. Looks like he did most of the eating, too. What does that mean? I've lost 30 pounds in the past two weeks.

Really? How'd you do it? Thin thin. What's that? It is a now defunct diet pill, but I was able to find some. Fen, fen. Thin thin. Well, that's my Asian friend's name.

My dad and my mom, I guess in the 90s, tried to sell diet cookies and they invested like a lot of money into it. And my grandma had to like bail them out because they had so many diet cookies that they're trying to sell. Do they still have some of those? Can I get some? No, no, they're gone now. A fun fact about Jeremiah's mother and fathers,

they were both there during the taping of his special family reunion. What did they think, Jeremiah? What did they think about your German jokes? My German joke? I didn't have any particular German jokes that night, but I had jokes about them and they were on each side of the stage, which made it pretty awkward. Have you talked to your parents lately, William?

I love your parents, by the way, William. I talked to Larry the other day. He said he texted you. He texted me? No, he texted you. To Jeremiah. Yeah, we Instagram DM sometimes. Wow, look at that.

Your dad's in my DMs, bro. He wished me a happy birthday. Does he ever send you some like, you know, photos? He sends me nudies of William sometimes. Just my little penis with the pink tip on my penis. He photoshopped William's baby penis onto his adult body. I was hoping he photoshopped it onto Herbie the love bug, the guard that talks. And then he puts his adult head on his baby body,

and it's like, weirdly weird pictures that he sends. It's just the black dude they use for all those COVID memes. Shut up. I just learned what memes are. You messed up. You know what? Enough episodes recently. I'm fucking tired of you, William.

We need to talk about this. You need to get into the program. You fucked up. William Montgomery and William Billingsley having a William off right now. A lot of anger. I changed my life. Shut up. At least Starlet hasn't stabbed me with keys.

I try. All right, William. Anything else that we missed since last episode? What else? Anything else? I was in Tampa Bay, Florida this past week at a hell of a time. There you go. Shout out to Tampa Bay, Florida, the new home of Tom Brady.

Wiener Schnitzel. There you go. There he goes, everybody. The great William Montgomery, everyone. On to the next one we go. There goes William. The show has begun. David Deere is here, as always, helping us out.

Fresh off of a big trip to Yellow Springs with Dave Chappelle and Don L. Rawlings and the whole crew. David Deere out there in the big leagues using his Kill Tony producer credit to bolster an entire other career. Absolutely incredible. I love it. All right, ladies and gentlemen. I pulled the name out of the bucket.

Let's see what happens here. Your first comedian, we're about to meet right now together, goes by the name of Harry Garcia. Here we go. Or Henry. Henry Garcia. Henry. Trucking.

Henry Garcia, everybody, here he is. That's right. Growing up in the hood was not easy. I would get punked every day on my way to school. And this is before I even left the house. Yeah. No, I even had the opportunity to join a team at the local park in the neighborhood. But I was too scared to become a gang member.

So I didn't make the tryouts, guys. Okay, it's a little intimidating when the coach's name is Trigger, you know? Like Trigger had a tattoo of a skull on his face. And the skull had a tattoo of a tear underneath its eye. The tattoo had a tattoo. Okay. It's a gentrification has really done some things to the city though. Like Trigger is now eating beyond me tacos.

You know what I mean? All right, guys, I'm Henry Garcia. Follow me at Henry Garcia comedy. There you go. A little plug at the end of his set. He's plugging it. Henry, welcome to the show. This is the first time you've been here, correct?

Yes. I think I would remember a cholo kerm at the frog. Yeah, I didn't recognize him without the cranberry juice. Hey, there he is. That's you, right? You're the guy on the skateboard. Dog face. That would be cool.

Dude, I didn't know the seven dwarves were banging now, dude. Where you from, homie? No, why? Homie, what's up, dog? Kind of looks like chubby Joel Jimenez. Yeah, he does. Looks like Joel, like undergoing chemo or something like that. You have a little bit of a, what part of Alhambra are you from?

I'm from Echo Park. Echo Park. Before all you hipsters took over it. Dude, I can't even drive through there anymore. I get sad. Anyway, this was in the 1950s. What am I talking about? So glad to be sober.

There was also cars in the 1950s, Joel. You could drive through things. Yeah, but. Yeah, we still don't have one. And why is that? Because you don't have a job anymore. I was in the fucking program. So, Henry, welcome to the show.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? You are an adorable little fucking thing, aren't you? You get told that a lot? You get told you have a little fucking Benjamin Button? Ticklish. No, no, no, I have not been told a lot. Thank you. I appreciate that.

I've been doing comedy since January. January? Of this year. How's that been going for you? It's been interesting. I've been doing comedy throughout the pandemic. What's funny is your hat doesn't go over your ears, but you seem to have such a tiny head.

How do you get a hat that small? That's one of the tiniest little hats I've ever seen. It's actually a baby thimble. I got it a baby gap. Did. Fuck yeah. How old are you? I'm 36.

What do you do for work? I'm an executive chef. Wow, an executive chef. Del Taco? All right. I won't say, but it's pretty big. Do you ever tell girls you're an executive? What's up?

Do you just say like, yeah, I'm an executive and you leave the rest on? Oh, yeah. No, my wife loves it when I tell them. So you have a wife. This is a nice restaurant? Or is this? It's not.

It's I work for a hospital. I'm an executive chef at a hospital. Oh, you're the executive chef at a hospital? Yes. Oh my goodness. Have you ever gotten anybody sick off of your cooking with someone dying from something else? No.

Now? No. What do you make? What do you specialize in? COVID-19. Well, I loved fusing a lot of Spanish food with like California cuisine. Like I'm really into a farm or table, stuff like that.

Thank you, Bill. Thank you so much for the drum solo. My wife and my daughter are vegetarians, so I do a lot of vegetarian cooking with, you know. How long have you been married for? Four years now. How many kids do you have? Just one.

Just one. What race is your wife? She's Argentinian. Oh, so white. Oh, jeez. Italian or German. I can tell you that too. Italian or German.

Italian, no, German. There you go. Yeah. How do you only have just one kid? Because she immediately tied her tubes after pregnancy and I had a vasectomy about a year and a half later. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, you guys played it.

Wait, why do you need to do that? You just doubled down. So if we actually have a baby, it's like the rise of the Antichrist or something. Well, her having her tubes tied, you're not going to have a baby. You just unnecessarily did. No, no, no.

You cheat a lot. No, no, no. You can still possibly have a baby with a tube tied. How long did it take to get a vasectomy? I was in and out of there like within two hours. You did it at in and out? I didn't feel anything. It was really?

Yeah, I noticed somebody that didn't film the whole thing and he said he didn't even know it was finished and it was like literally like three minutes or something. Did your balls hurt afterwards, Henry? No. It was, I mean, they felt a little kind of numb and heavy. Like I had like these big gorilla balls. Like they felt really heavy.

When you say gorilla balls, have you ever seen the balls of a gorilla? Uh, I know only in my imagination. They're like, they seem really big, you know. What else have you seen of the gorilla in your imagination? Have you ever seen a wiener? Yeah. And it's really hairy.

Really? What did you do with it? I just stared at it for a long time. For how long? How long did you stare at this gorilla? I don't know. Time's suspended. I can't.

I put it in a beanie and called it a date. That is what that is, right? A real beanie. That's a legit beanie. What would we call that, Bill? Chiquitito. All right. You're a chiquitito.

You're a Spanish. I learned it from a guy on the program. Prioles. How long? So you were born and raised in Echo Park. Yeah, I was born in Cedar Sinai, raised in Echo Park and then Highland Park for a little bit and then back to Echo Park.

Damn, we're going to talk after this. Anyway, back to Bill. You guys, this could be like a close relative to usual. Henry, anything else crazy about you? Have any special skills or talents? What else should we know about your entire life? Anything, any fun facts about Henry Garcia? Your mom's a goat or something like that?

No, no, I did. Speaking of goats and coyotes, I did, one interesting thing is I did manage to be a coyote once and I got brought someone in from, I met someone at the El Paso border and drove them to there for money. Wow. Look at you.

Dude, you're so goofy. You're more like Wiley Coyote. All right, Henry. Fun times, dude. Thanks for coming on. Have a great day. Thank you guys for having me. This is Henry Garcia.

All right. Okay. We're going to keep this moving fast. Thank you guys for having me. I'll be back. I love that. Thank you guys so much. Your next comedian, this is us meeting another human

for the first time, goes by the name of Rishi Saraswat. Here we go. Here's Rishi Saraswat. Rishi Saraswat, everyone. I was doing a little bit of traveling before this whole pandemic. I miss traveling because I like going to airports.

You get to see people from all different walks of life, different ethnicities. The last time I was at the airport, I actually saw an all deaf family. And they were having a really intense signing conversation. It looked like they were lost. So I decided, okay, let me try and go help them out. As I got closer,

I realized they actually weren't deaf. They were just Italian. And I knew they were Italian for sure because the mom had a black eye. It's a dead giveaway. I think it's fucked up how America blames Mexicans for stealing all the jobs because that shit is not true.

Asians and Indians are the ones stealing all the jobs. And we're keeping our fucking mouths shut. I got at least two cousins working the call centers right now. Like you ever get that call on Tuesday afternoon? Hello, my name is Cody. I'm calling from data link. It's like, bro, I know your name's not Cody.

Shut the fuck up. And I know your name's not Cody because no one has ever pronounced my name. Whoa, there's the bear. There's the bear. I haven't heard that guy in a while. Yeah, he comes out if you go over your time. Marishi Saraswat, welcome to the show.

What ethnicity are you? Indian. Indian. Just straight up Indian. Yep. What part of India does your family come from? They're from North India. Okay.

Yeah. Represent North India. Yep. Hell yeah. Big lips. Oh yeah. Shout out to Luck now. Your parents live here in the United States of America,

the greatest country on planet Earth? Indeed, they do. Oh, that's awesome. What do they do? My dad works in IT. Wow. And my mom is like, stay at home. Wow, that's so Indian.

You've heard of that so really? Is Northern, Northern is Punjabi? Is that Punjabi? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Punjabi. Yeah, there you go. Oh, wow. You ever do a... They're the Mexicans of India.

That's how I know it. Exactly, yeah. You ever have a girl give you a Punjabi? You know what that is? You know what that is? Yep. Yeah, you do. You like it when they do that, don't you?

Hell yeah. It's your favorite thing? One of them. I don't like shitting my ass like that big. What's your other favorite? What's your favorite? Tell your body. Red ban.

That's fun. Dejur, you have a lot of brothers and sisters? One sister. Yeah, the Indian families keep it small. For an ethnicity that looks so much like Latinos, you would think they would have many babies as well, but nope. You guys keep it small, focus.

You don't just go fucking. It's not just fucking cream pie festival back here. What does your dad think of you doing stand-up comedy? Oh, he fucking hates me. Very disappointed in you. I am very, very dissatisfied. Isolate that clip. Send it out into the internet.

And I raise you better than this. Jesus. Spot on. What does he say exactly? He put you to college? Well, yeah. But I mean, I went to community college, so you know, it wasn't too hard on them.

That is when the disappointment started. Yeah, exactly. And I don't know. He thinks like I'm pretty much gay. Oh, really? How did you come? I never see you with a wife, Rishi. Wait, why does he think you're gay?

I don't know. I told him like I'm out here in Hollywood chasing my dreams, and he's just like... Seems more like you're chasing man ass. Yeah, exactly. What's gay about that? He just doesn't understand it. Chasing your dreamers for frugates, Rishi.

Straight men do not do that. Technically, that's an Asian accent. Like you're out there in Hollywood. I don't know what you're doing. You know, we'll take you back to India and we'll wash you in the Ganga. Wash you in the... Do you ever think about hiring an Indian prostitute

just to take home and make them happy for like a day? Be like, I'm marrying this woman father. I've actually never seen an Indian prostitute, so I don't know. You haven't? No. Wow. I mean, I haven't been back to the motherland.

They put a dot on their chest. Yeah, it's a target. Hiring a prostitute to make your dad happy is like the funniest thing ever. Does your parents like stand-up comedy at all? Like are they into like Russell Peters or anything? Of course. Huge Russell Peters fans.

Wait, India doesn't have a red dot district? I mean, they... I feel like now they're kind of coming around to it. Like I've shown my parents stand-up and stuff. And like my mom is kind of on board with it. She likes Russell Peters. But my dad is still kind of just like, he doesn't understand it.

He's like, get a real job. Do they like when they see like Aziz Ansari and like different people who are like in films and stuff? Indian people get proud when they're in a hospital and they see Indian dollars. They were really stoked about Kamala Harris. Why? Because she's Indian.

Is she? Yeah. She's that kind of Indian? She's not native? She's actually Indian? No, I think she's just got some Indian in her. No, she's half Jamaican, half Indian. Is that what she is?

Boop, boop. Yeah. Wow. Boop, boop, Biden. Boop, boop, Biden. I used to be in charge, I worked at this company and I was in charge of like 70 Indian guys. Fresh off the boat.

Wait, wait, wait. You were in charge of 70 Indian guys? That's a sitcom right there. No, they made a movie exactly about what I did. It's like they would come into the country and my job was to Americanize them. Like no, this is how you do it. Like outsource.

This is how you make a fart noise. These are Japanese tits for that movie. For that movie, Outsource, 100% exactly the same thing. Terrible fucking movie. And but it was weird because that's exactly what I did. I had to like help them with job interviews and shit like that. And a couple of them got mad. My sister also worked for me.

And she had a cow print in her car, like a seat cover. And we had at this whole meeting, because it really pissed off a lot of people. And it was like, we got to let you know that cows are a little different here. You're going to have to let that go. You know, like this is a good thing not to bring up at an interview and shit like that.

Red band's eating a hamburger. I was like, I was like, yeah, yeah. No, seriously. You can't call this a meeting. Red band is a lot of fun. Sober, I'm not funny anymore. All right, Bill Billingsley. Thank you.

Wait, are you starting to drink? Wait, what is that? It's water, dude. H2O. I don't know. After seeing William, I'm thinking maybe just a little taste. I don't know.

Maybe just a little bit. Just a little taste? Let's just relax a little bit. How about that? Oh, he's got a glass. Just a little taste. I think he'll be all right. This is very exciting that this is a part of the.

Breaking my sobriety for you. I love this guy. Might as well just cut him like that, Red band. I mean, they brewed this in Austin. It's great. OK. Well, yeah, I mean, they take the cow ship pretty seriously because there's like people who murder people in India

for eating beef and shit. It's kind of crazy. They murder people for. I know cows are sacred, but I didn't realize it was like murder. Yeah. I mean, it's like a small like sect of like people, but yeah, they do that shit.

What do they do? They murder what? They murder people for eating beef. Wow. They got a beef with it. Geez. Now that's a diet I could get behind. Yeah.

Red band's always on an Indian diet because he goes to a New Delhi every week. That's good. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. That is a joke. That's a joke, everybody.

So Rishi, anything else crazy we need to know about you before we let you go? Crazy about your life? A fun fact about you? If Tony lived in India, he'd live in Mumbai. OK. He'd be too scared to live in India. He'd be red chicken.

All right. Oh, no, there's a lot of crazy shit there. All right. A lot of crazy shit. That's one of my favorite Tony things. All right. All right. OK.

OK. All right. OK. I'm going to keep it moving along. They asked Tony if he wanted to move to India and he's like, nah. All right. All right.

Rishi, any crazy fun facts? You have two children. I teach yoga. You teach yoga? No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I don't know. There's a lot of crazy shit, man.

Like what? Name one thing. I used to sell drugs. What kind of drugs? OK. Thank you so much. Started with weed, you know. And then went to cocaine when I got out here.

Wow. And now what? What are you already up to now? I work. What are you selling now? Still sell some things. Wow. Look at this.

The market is hot. Everybody. The block is hot. Everyone grab your foldies and grab your showties. See me after the show. I got you. Oh, OK. Yeah.

Real recent. Is India democracy? I mean, they say they are, but you know, they're hella corrupt. That's kind of like, OK. They're not a real democracy. Rishi, I had so much fun talking with you. Come back.

Do it again soon, right? All right. Rishi, Sarah, everybody. Here we go. I'm going to keep flying through this tonight. Flying through it. Can I say one thing real quick? Wait, what?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, what? What did you ask? Can I say one thing real quick? Are you going to plug something? Can I do that? What? Yeah. Follow me on IG at reach 510.

R double E S H 510. Jesus Christ, my God. Get the fuck out of here with that handle. Yeah. What was that? Yeah. I don't even need, I don't even need to like, delete that or beep that out because no one's going to be

like, how do you spell that? Right. Well, we, I don't know. Yo, beep it out. We, we used to read the handles when we read the names. Yeah. But I mean, like, I know, but it's, it's, it's better when I do it, but it's just a different time.

It's a different time. It's all part of the thing now. Right. That's just how it goes. But yeah, follow him at Rishi 567 WG. WNBA. All right. Another new person.

Here we go. We're flying through it tonight. Your next comedian goes by the name of Adam Mockett. Here we go. Adam Mockett. Here he is. Adam Mockett. Hey guys, I'm Adam.

So you probably noticed when I walked up, I have a little bit of a gangster lean. Throwing up some gang signs. A little background about that. When I was a baby, my mom took me to the doctors to get my vaccinations. And good news, they did work. I never got the measles. I never had whooping cough.

I did get nerve damage to the whole right side of my body, but no diphtheria. I, uh, you know, they have this vaccine for the coronavirus, which freaks me out more than the actual virus. Honestly guys, I'm kind of grateful for COVID because finally people don't want to shake hands. During the day, during the day I work in the financial industry

and nothing says you can trust me with your money. Like a hand, I have no control over. Because I have one hand, I can always tell my wife's really mad at me because she'll close things really tight. Toothpaste, pickle jars, her legs. She'll be like, if you can open it, you can have it. Thanks guys. Great stuff.

60 seconds, strong from Adam Mockett. Coming in guns of blazin'. Thank you. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he has a, uh, what would we call that? What would we call that? The letter Z for an R. Yeah, just, yeah.

Yeah. And you've had that your whole life? Yeah. After a vaccination, is that true? How old were you? A couple months old. Couple months old. Yeah.

And, and, and your parents are like, give them, give this kid a shot. I don't want anything to ever happen to him. I asked my mom why she didn't suit because there was a big lawsuit about it. It was like back in the 80s. Yeah. Well, that'll cost you an arm and a leg.

Yeah. Thank you. That's super rare, right? Like that was a bad batch, I guess you would call it. Yeah. I, I think that's pretty much what it was. And, uh, I know a lot of people. What wing at the hospital were you at?

Well, definitely not the right wing. Yeah. Set him up, knock him down. And why didn't your mom sue? Why didn't she go to the long arm of justice for something like this? She had five kids. I think she was just like.

Four and a half. Let's face it, right? Come on. Four to five ain't bad, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I love it. I love it.

The other four kids, did they get vaccinated? So I'm the middle. So I have two older sisters. They did. The two boys after me did not. Are you anti-vac now because of that? Are you in that, that train? Here's the thing.

Like I'm not anti-vaccination. I just think it's kind of crazy if there's a chance there could be a major side effect. If it's mandatory, it's kind of, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, but I think, you know, out of all the bad things that have happened, it's probably 99.99% good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the thing. It's like, here's the thing. I think about like, if your kid gets like majorly messed up or something, your next kid, you're like, no, I don't want to do it. Right. Yeah. Did they put the shot in that arm?

Is that the arm that they did? They actually put it in the leg. But it's like brain damage. Yeah. Honest question. Is it hard to put on that bracelet? It's impossible to put it on. Oh my god.

How long has it been on? But it's like a handcuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah. Got to get one of my kids to do it or something. How many kids do you have?

I have four daughters. Damn. Look at you. So that's another thing that happened. So the right testicle still works. It still works. Look at that. That's what it is.

My goodness. And what's your favorite sexual position? You're good at making babies out there. What's your move? You like froggy style? You know, I'm just. Captain Hook. Just a missionary kind of guy, you know?

Really? Yeah. Keep it central. I loved your delivery, by the way, how you kind of leaned in. You're like, and my wife's laying. Thank you. Thank you.

I appreciate that. I should say this is the fifth time I've ever done stand-up comedy. Wow. So yeah. Wow. So I'm really excited about it. And look at that.

Appreciate it. And you know that. You write your jokes with your left hand? Yeah. Awesome. I love it. Wait, yeah. That's a good quick.

Can I ask that? Can I talk? Were you naturally left or right-handed? Did you have to learn to write with your left hand? So I was a couple months old. So, you know, not sure. But I'm the only one in the family that is left-handed. So probably.

And I had dyslexia and things like that. So I feel like I'm. Have you ever used your right hand like in a violent way towards anybody? Whoa. The claw. Oh, wow. Look at that.

Oh, my God. It's like a little cobra at all times. You just have a little cobra attached to you. Wow. So video games completely out. You can't. You know, back when I played video games, it was good because one hand like little.

Right. I could play a double of seven. I was super good. But as soon as they started getting two hands, I was out. Right. The financial industry. What do you do in it? Yeah.

I built a pretty successful business. I have 175 licensed agents that work under me. What was so crazy is so I started doing finance. And then do you guys, I don't know if you know what Craig Conan is, but I grew up with Craig. So he's one of my best friends. And we go to a comedy class like the first day. And he's like, let's go.

You're one of the funniest guys I know. Let's go. I'm like, all right, let's go. And I went. It was super fun. I signed up. And that day, I found out that my wife was having our first kid. And I was like, oh, crap.

I have to like figure this out. Like I got to work. So I didn't do it. And I started doing finance. And so now I have four daughters. And during COVID, I started getting really depressed and feeling like, man, like what? I got to like, I don't know.

And just feel like I'm just going to do it. Now or never kind of thing. Wow. That's so fucking cool. I love it. So fifth time up, where were you? All the other ones, open mics and stuff. Yeah.

Two times at Vicky's, one was on Zoom and like a Santa Monica school or something right here. It's all been like in two weeks. That's fucking awesome. Man, you wouldn't be able to tell, man. That was great. Thank you so much. Yeah.

And I found out about this show and like all I do is watch you show now. It's so funny. So you're from the South Bay. Yeah. How did you know that? Because I know Craig is from South Bay. What part of South Bay are you from?

Yeah, we're down the beach, Torrance. Oh yeah, shout out to the South Bay. There you go. Shout outs to the South Bay. Yeah. Do you surf or anything like that or anything wild? You know, I got one hand some more of a boogie border. Ah, I got it.

The whole getting up thing is. You're right. Yeah, balance. You'd be good at kites. You ever think about throwing that in like a, what do you do like you ever throw it in like a sling or anything like that? We've tried, I've tried surgery.

Are they, when I was a kid, they did a surgery where they tried to switch this muscle with this muscle to kind of try to pull it up and did nothing. Oh, God, they tried. You went through a whole surgery and they weren't able to do it. If you thought about just putting a rod like straight through it,

like some type of like doll or something, just being like, hello. Honestly, I just feel like maybe like eventually things are going to get like scientifically ready and they'll fix it. I don't know. Honestly, like whatever, it's maybe who I am. You know, a lot of perseverance, patience.

Have you ever thought of becoming a professional coat rack? Hey, that's a great idea. That's a good hook. My lady is your jacket, madame. Adam, thank you so much for coming on this show. Come back again soon. There goes Adam Mockett, everybody. Oh, I'm on my back.

I fell, help. The great Jeremiah Walkins here. Family reunion, December 8th. Available everywhere, JeremiahWalkins.com. All right, another bucket pull. Here we go. Make some noise for Nick Reese. Here comes Nick Reese.

Here he is, Nick Reese. So I got a girlfriend with an OnlyFans account. And I hear a lot of like controversial statements like guys like, ah, I could never do that. I would never let my girl do that. And you know, whatever. But for those of you that don't know it, by the way, OnlyFans is for the porn industry what private security

is to cops. I know that because both the porn industry and the cops were like, nah, nah. But both OnlyFans and private security were like, are you 18 and about it? Welcome aboard. But I recently, I actually almost didn't make it today. Have you guys ever got a road head?

So good. You got lost? That's real shit. But I love OnlyFans because you can go in there. I found a loophole. And basically for their percentage cut of like 4%, I've been buying myself blowjobs recently. That's pretty awesome.

Because you can just go in there, make a separate account. And then I just subscribe to my girlfriend and then just act like an anonymous stranger. And for OnlyFans is $4.99, I can request a blowjob video. And you may recognize me for my role as the penis. There you go, Nick Greese. Wow. Two bear knight.

Look at that. Girlfriend on. I wanted that bear so bad. Girlfriend on OnlyFans, huh? Yeah, kind of pleasure. Is that true? What's your address? It's Frankie Chaotic.

Wow, look at that. There's a hard plug there for Frankie. I've never seen Red Band move faster. Yeah. Frank, aye-aye. What? Everything slowed down. I've also never seen him spell better.

Chaotic. I knew it was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. Support my comedy career. And let's get this PS5 together, boys, on YouTube. All right, relax, Nick. Relax. Jesus Christ.

So what does she do on this thing? Basically porn. Really? I mean... Did they ever ask for a guy to do things with her and you do it with her? Yeah, yeah, I'm the penis. It's your penis?

Yeah, I'm the penis. Whoa. Dude, I'll subscribe to your OnlyFans, dude. OnlyHams, dude. Does she ever do things on the OnlyFans that she won't let you just do on your own? Damn. Like in your private life?

Okay. That's Frankie Chaotic, huh? Yeah, yeah. It's X. Abity, abity, abity, abity. Yeah, she's nice. Nice tattoos. I'm proud of myself.

RedBan is already following and subscribed. I know, right? There we go. That's good, Nick. Let's see this table's moving. Yeah, RedBan loves hot Franks. So, wow. What's the wildest thing anybody's requested you to do?

A dude requested poop shit recently. Wait, what do you mean poop shit? Poop shit? Does that mean no shit at all? That's a double shit of it, right? No, yeah, that's for like a video of her pooping on the floor. Poop shit is what? What do we call RedBan stand-up material?

Poop shit. How much was this guy willing to pay to watch your girlfriend take a poop on the floor? He said, hmm, might be worth it to $700. Oh my God. He went $700? Did she do it? The weirder the request, I mean, the higher the price.

Right, so she did it then. No, he hasn't done it yet, but I could tell he's like, he's messaging about it. It's funny. Like she tells me about the messages. RedBan, I know. No, but I know a lot about this. Like there's people like, say like porn stars,

they'll get hired usually for like escorting or something like that, but there's some people that are into shit where they'll just be like, I'll rent you the hotel room, just go in there, take a shit, don't flush it, and then I'll come in after you. And then they just like play with it and eat it. Oh my God. I don't know if you've ever stayed at a comfort in,

but every room at the comfort in has shit waiting in the toilet. Is it weird for you the first time that you saw the upload of you having sex with your girlfriend on her OnlyFans? Does that make sense? Like is it weird for you to see? So it's like, kind of not really. So it's like the, basically it's like, I don't know, RedBan just subscribed right now or not.

But like, he went to the quick Google to see if there's any free images. I went to the free one. Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, no, there's not. Anyways. But so, no, I mean, it's like more or less, like her stuff is like, you know, a bunch of like sexy outfits and stuff like that.

And then if people want to see more, it's like- Right, maybe pay extra. Yeah, send extra on this one. It's like a strip club, basically. It's like- I know a lot of people making a lot of money from it. You know, like- Yeah, yeah, yeah, honestly, the reason-

She sold me. How many people do you know? About 10 people. But one of the girls I know is making over $100,000 a month on it. Whoa. Yeah. Oh my God. She sold me on it because-

That's a lot of poops on the floor. Yeah. Dude, Jamar Neighbors has an only pants. And it's just a picture of his bare foot. And he's like, yeah, one guy tipped me like $7 one time. $70? $7. Wow, $7.

Yeah, I mean, it's more, it's kind of like a strip club. Like there's like a door fee to get in and see stuff. And then it's like, if you want like more, you got to like tip for that, basically. My goodness. So you guys have kids? No. No, are you going to?

Not if I have anything to say about it. Wow. What if someone pays like a lot of money to see that? Yeah. Great question. I would need it all like upfront and like- All right, $30,000. I want to raise your kid.

How much would it cost? Let's talk actual numbers here. I know a guy in finance- Whatever the, whatever like the entire cost, like I would never want to even think about that kid. $100,000. You would do it in a heartbeat, right?

You're rich, like $100,000 for a kid. Tony's not paying you. Yeah, I'm not doing it. I'm, this is hypothetical. This isn't some type of indecent proposal. No, no, no, I'm saying- $100,000 for you to make a baby with your wife. You show me all the videos.

I get all the links. I'll buy the hotel room. You just have the baby. Leave it there. I'll be coming afterwards. Leave it in the toilet. Red Band will raise it. What else, Nick?

What else is going on in the world? Well, like one of the big selling points that she kind of sold me on and on was like aside from like a personal friend of hers making like a ridiculous amount of money through it and like- What's her specialty? What's the friend's specialty?

She recently changed her name, but it's, she has an affiliation with Nintendo and her brand. Oh, shit, damn. And she knows her personally and she's killing it financially on only fans and stuff like that. Nintendo Fist.

What is she, Yoshi? She's like Pokemon stuff, but she got like suit and stuff. So she's like changing her- Oh, she got suit? Yeah, Nintendo hit her with the big bad. Damn. I think I know you're talking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you know. So wait, are you not- Nintendo's like, you better switch what you're doing. Yeah, switch it up. Are you, so if she was, she got suit because of the name, not because she was dressing up? Yeah, yeah, yeah, just because of her name.

Gotcha. And I'm like, yeah, like that'll happen, but she was making like ridiculous. Like she just bought like a fucking charger with like a custom paint job and like a custom bunch of accessories. Was it an ice cream paint job? Yeah, ice cream paint job.

My lady sold me on that, like both on the money aspect of it and saying that she would support my comedy career and that like three ways with other chicks Hey, I got a tip for you. I used to be in the same situation, but you know, like when they want to buy the underwear, you just go to like Kmart and buy like that bag

of 10 pairs of girls underwear and stuff. And they want her to like rub it on their junk and make it like a used underwear, just rub it on your balls and stuff like that and send them out and they love it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's how I do it. But yeah, yeah, no, I didn't mean to- We're a poly couple, so it's like-

A poly couple, what's that mean? Dude, that means they're fans of Poly Shore, bro. Yeah. They like Biodome, bro, and Son-in-law. Yeah, what does that mean? What does the poly shit mean? So like in simple, we're looking, we're always looking for like other females

like fuck around with, she's bi. Dude, same here. I like vagina. I like looking for new females, bro. Yeah. How's that working out for you guys? There are some nice ones. Yeah, it's been pretty cool.

You're able to get other females over there? Yeah, yeah. Any of them hotter than your wife? Not really, no, no. She's definitely like the attraction. I like tattoos and piercing. I just like all the extra- Why are you into that?

Why are you into that? Your mom was very Christian, very pure. Yeah, yeah. Right, that's how it works. It's all psychology. So now you want something different because you don't respect your mother. Mormons, yeah.

You don't respect your mother. Say it into the microphone. I do not respect my mother. Okay, we're going to send her that for a mother's day. We're going to send her that gift. Oh, we got history. Yeah, we're going to cut it in between some only fans things. We're going to start with that.

It's going to go back to that. I actually recently told my mom that I did that. Oh, how she reacts. She's way cooler than- She's not, she's scored it everywhere. Yeah, I mean, she's not subscribed or anything, but I mean, yeah. That'd be weird if she was a supportive mom.

She's like, I follow anything my son does. Who do you think's willing to pay $700 for just a poo? Yeah, you know. All right, Nick. Well, you did it again, buddy. Fun times. Have a great day, Nick Reese, everybody. There he goes.

On to the next one. Ricky, what is it? Frankie Chaotic on only fans. See, that's a plug. Yes. F-R-A-N-K-I-I. Did she buy you those Nikes? Wow, look at that.

Look at that. My goodness. Not only does he fuck like a black guy. He spends his money like one, too. Absolutely incredible. Straight to the Nikes with his government-issued stimulus check. Good job, Nick. Where do you live again?

Hemet. Hemet, baby. Frightening, frightening place. The shout-out, that's it. That's it. Thank you, Nick. No one asks any other fucking question. Everybody wants to add their fucking 10 cents today.

Yes, William. William. William's timing was perfect. It was the best. Yeah. To Pardio Key? Yeah, what are you going to do there? Okay.

That was literally just 10 cents. I think you need 25 cents to get the rest of the story. Bye, William. Bye, William. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. I was so excited about it that I pulled it out while Nick was still at the microphone. But I did it. I saw this guy on a street corner the other day, and I said,

holy shit, that's Dan Nolan. I rolled down the window. I go, Dan Nolan. He turned around. It was Dan Nolan. He said, Tony. I go, what's up? He goes, not much.

I go, want to do the show on Monday? He said, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, one of our favorite joke writers and comedians ever on the show, the great Dan Nolan. Here he is. Dan Nolan. Thank you. I used to be a professional studio audience member.

That's like a real job that you can have in Los Angeles. Basically, all you do is you stand outside of CBS Studios for four hours, and then a guy with a ponytail pays you $60 to watch the Steve Harvey show. Or just like a Steve Harvey show. There's like 15 different Steve Harvey shows. Steve Harvey literally has so many TV shows they have to pay people to watch them. And it's not a bad job if you're just like a struggling actor, comedian, or a crazy homeless person.

My favorite one to watch was Little Big Shots. If you've never seen the show before, basically the idea is they have these little kids that are as smart as little kids can be. And then there's Steve Harvey, who is as dumb as an adult can be. And the entire show is just about their struggle for dominance. He just bullies the kids the whole time. Like he'll just ask them like, hey, Little Big Shot, what's your talent? And the little kid will just be like, I know about computers.

And he'll just be like, yeah, but you ain't never get no pussy. All right, thanks. Dan Nolan is back, everyone. Welcome, Dan. Hey, good to be here. It's so weird. I saw you on the fucking down by the Grove. I love it.

Yeah. Yep. No doubt about it. Just pulled up, rolled down my window, booked you. Yeah. I was meeting a hinge date. So I was just walking. I was wandering back and forth on that corner.

What's hinge? It's like, it's a Tinder, but they like ask you stupid little prompts and stuff. And it's like, it's like a better version of Tinder. I thought it was like, you have to be friends with somebody that's friends with that person. No, that's Rhea. I actually just interviewed for a job there. Oh. Yeah.

That's like the fan. It's like Tinder for like influencers and like semi-famous people. Yeah, right. Yeah. Jamar just got an account. Oh, I bet he's stoked. Just a picture of his foot. Yeah.

So what made you join hinge? It's just less grimy than Tinder. Tinder is like retarded. It's just full of bots and like spam and shit. But hinge, you have to like put work into a profile. And they just ask you stupid questions. How'd that date go for you that night? It was good.

Yeah. Well, that was like our second or third date. Wow. Yeah. All right. Have you heard about the ex-hair one dating app called Syringe? Syringe. I think you'd be great on it.

Dan Nolan is a recovered heroin addict. Part of his incredible story. How's the pandemic been treating you? Good. I'm resetting the sobriety clock. I got addicted to Kratom. Oh, wow. You can't get addicted to Kratom.

He's like, no, you can get really addicted. That's not possible. That's one of the... Are they sponsoring the show? Yeah, that's impossible. That's impossible. Yeah, no, it's really good for you. Never mind.

We'll cut that out. One of the studies said it's not addictive. What is that? Do you have Samania? One study. My goodness. What did it make you do? Yeah, let's talk about it.

What, Kratom? I just... Like I started... I hired a personal trainer and he was beating the shit out of me. And then I... It's just a paint gore. It's just heroin. It's just gay heroin.

Yeah, gay heroin. Yeah. I'm into that. I started listening to a lot of corn. I went down a dark road. You're taking some weird like workout. Yeah, I'm doing like testosterone and some other shit. Yes, from Orleans and...

Wait, what? What, why? What? I'm doing hormone replacement therapy. Why? Just to be more of a man. I'm transitioning to a man. You're transitioning to more of a man?

Yeah, right. Wow. Who's advising you in this? I have a doctor. And he's said that he's doing this. Why? You need to be more of a man. I have low testosterone.

My patient. Why? I have low testosterone. So I started taking injections. I'm like five months into it now. You're a drug addict, Dan. You've got one hit of that testosterone. Can I say like that low testosterone thing?

That's such a weird thing because I, you know, I've always had, thought I had very, very, very low. And when I got my numbers done, they're like, most people don't have low testosterone. They have slightly lower than normal, but you're fine. So did you have like slightly lower or were you like, no, this is, this is like, I'm almost a woman. No, I was like, yeah, I was at 400,

which is the bottom of like the average range. So it goes like 400 to 1200. They were like, you're ovulating. My goodness. I don't know how to tell you this, but you just started your period. How long have you been taking testosterone for? Like five months.

Five months. In fact, did your body start? Yeah, it started. Testicles are smaller. Yeah, my balls. Yeah, I'm infertile. And sometimes you get very angry. No, no, that's more like a right range thing.

No, I just have a lot more energy. Which is testosterone. That's what steroids are. Right? No. No? No. All right.

Is it HGH that you're on? No, I'm on Somoilin, which is human growth hormone, releasing hormone, HGRH. So it just makes my brain, it's dangerous to take. I think you need to take. It's dangerous to take what? HGH, because in your body, if you take it, like from an outside source,

your body eventually stops producing it. I think you need to talk to HGH, RH, HR. Really get on top of this, because this is really difficult. So how much longer do you have to take these treatments for? The rest of my life. What? The rest of your life. And it's expensive.

Yeah. No, it's not. I'm not in a place that's cheaper now. So we're spending a lot of money on it. If you stop taking it, what did they say will happen to you? I'll start. Thank you, Nolan again. Have you been lifting weights?

Yeah. Yeah. Hello, everybody. Flex for us. Let's see these muscles. What happened to a? You do look way bigger, dude. Like way bigger.

Yeah, I'm just, I'm like bulkier. I have to, I'm still, I have to cut down is going to be like that. You can't do it all at the same time. You have to bulk and then cut. Yeah. Yeah. Since you've been taking this, have your porn searches changed at all? Good question.

Good question. Are you into a butchier women now? No. I mean, I always wanted to fuck like a fitness model, like a, like a jacked chick. I don't know. Didn't have any of those on hinge. I'm into beef jerky porn now.

You know, a seesaw porn. Like a hard pussy. I like seeing girls squirting a sawmill. What else, Dan? Other than testosterone treatments, what else have you been doing the last few weeks? Bottom Mustang. Wow.

That's your first part, right? I thought you were going to say bottom mustache. I'm on mustache replacement therapy. I'll do anything to be a man. So you've never had a car your whole entire life? No, I had a car like years and years ago. I can't believe you got a Mustang. All this treatment to become a man, you get such a bitch car.

I watched a lot of Tim Allen on repeat now in my house. What kind of Mustang did you get? It's a 2007. I was going to buy like an old one and like finance it and shit, but then I was like, there's no power steering. So I just bought a used one cash. Yeah, I want to start driving. Power steering.

Well, if it doesn't have power steering, that makes you more of a man because you have to grow every single. Maybe in a couple of years, Jeremy. Wow, Dan. So you're sticking with a girl from Hinge. Is that your move? We're hanging out. It's been fun.

It's been like a week or whatever. What do you like about her? I don't know. She's cute. She's got a nice little body and stuff. I got a note on my door today for fucking too loud. No way. What did the notes say?

They phrased it very politely. They didn't say you're fucking too loud. See, I got a note on my front door. You know what I keep? I keep it on the front door. I let everybody see it. Yeah, it was the same kind of note once and they said, like, oh, you know, we have kids.

Yeah. Did they just kind of like raise over it? Yeah. Excuse me, sir. We heard you going to the bathroom. I got a note on my back. All right, Dan. The note is just addressed, dear Mr. Hulk Hogan.

We heard a lot of brothers last night. Yeah, brother. Wow. That's just incredible. What is how has sex changed since the testosterone treatment? It's good. That's why I started taking it because I was never horny anymore. I could get like boners all the time, but I didn't care.

Wow. That's weird. I would just be like, yeah. You would get boners all the time. Yeah, no problem getting boners. I feel like you just quoted a radio headlier. Blew my mind. I got boners all the time, but I didn't care.

Wow. My God. So what would you do with a boner? Nothing. Maybe you wouldn't care. I just wouldn't care. Like, I don't know. I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for like two years

and I just stopped caring about sex. And yeah, about two years. I mean, let's face it, it's pretty boring. Yeah. I don't know if it was, I don't think, I don't know. I don't know if it was that. I really think it was just like low testosterone. And plus I was taking the Kratom, which fucks your dick up and stuff.

It does? Wait. It just, it makes you less horny. No, it doesn't. Yeah. No, it's actually just great. No, it's not Kratom.com or whatever our sponsor is. Don't say Kratom or Bill.

Billings is at Kratom.com. You ever tried Kratom.com? That's a good one. Kratom. OK, OK. Dan, so much fun. Thank you so much. Have a great day.

Dan Nolan. Dan Nolan, everybody. Dan Nolan comedy on everything, right? Social media, follow him. Tell him how much you love him. He's a legend. An absolute monster. In fact, speaking of monsters, there's only one guy I know that could possibly even begin

to follow that act. And he's coming up next. How absolutely perfect is that? This guy became a regular and absolutely took the show over by storm and unbelievable force. Truly one of my favorite comedians on the planet. Originally from beautiful New York, then became a god of improv comedy at Second City in Chicago. And now graces us with his presence and a new minute every single week. It's the legend killer himself, Michael Lair everyone.

Wow. In the flesh coming in dizzy tonight. Here he is, Michael Lair. Yeah. Yeah. Women have been responsible for every wonderful thing that is ever happening to me. And may that I've been an asshole. I must have one died of my dick.

I've lied and cheated to every woman I've ever dated. But, but all those women ended up marrying better men after me. So everything happens for a reason, even my life and cheating. Now, women of the world have been rejoicing that my legs gave out. Since I've been crippled, I've retained my handsomeness and smart mouth. But I'm stuck in one spot. So I've been hidden in the mouth by many women, many times. But I'm laid here to let you know.

Come on, Chica. I ain't the one. Thank you. There you go, Michael Lair. Putting a little bat signal out there for all the ladies out there. Look at that. Using Kiltoni as his own personal hinge. One could say this is hinge cliff snows.

Hinge cliff. Yeah, man. You're just trying to keep a raw dog and dirty, yo. Is that your style, dude? I'll tell you this. You have a better right arm than one of the comedians that was up here earlier. Really? Yeah.

Why? Was it steeply? No, it was a it was a different. No, he's behind you. He's waving at you right now. He's got one of those ET alien arms. Yep. Yeah, it's sort of like that.

Remember those old antennas that used to be on the house that were old? Yeah, rabbit ears. Yep. He has rabbit ears for an arm. Oh man. I bet he can get a handicap parking pass right now. He can only get a left handicapped. Yeah.

But the left spot is usually not like in mine. That's right, Michael. Yeah. Welcome back to the show, the great Michael Lair. Thank you. I'm a few things. Go right ahead. Nick talked about his life and his girlfriend at Quentin and Lee right before the show.

His girlfriend who likes to cover in tattoos like a tattoo museum. And I'm like, Nick, I don't want to be in the program. You know, we're friends and you can say no. And I'm talking to his girlfriend too. But I'm like, can I use your legs as costumes for a photo or a video shoot? And I think it's gonna happen. Wow. Look at that.

You booked her. I'm gonna wear her legs like a shirt. It's one of them. Well, 750 bucks. And I'm pretty sure you can get her to shit on your kitchen floor. Yeah. Yeah, man. I'm not in there, man.

I'm not in there. Scatological bebop's gonna do something. Whoa, uh-oh. He's overheating. The system's overheating on your body. He's into a different kind of scat. Yeah, it's shirt circuit Johnny number five. Whoa.

Whoa. Yeah, come on, man. Let's free fall. What else was going on? You said a few things. The last guy, him calling Kraynum gay heroin is maybe one of the best jokes of the year. That was brilliant. I love it.

And I've been on Kraynum. I've been addicted to every drug. But Kraynum is not addiction. Yes, it works off the OVR per se, man. But it's safe. And getting over it is like getting over a quitting coffee. But it's room on. And you can definitely fuck on Kraynum.

Yeah, that's what I think. I mean, I know a lot of people that use Kraynum and it's great. It's a natural remedy for- Quitting coffee sounds like hell, by the way. I can't imagine that. I thought when you're selling Kraynum, like when you're looking at the camera, you're like, yes, it's non-habit forming.

Yes, it has a lot of health supplements. Yes, it gave me ALS. Yes. Who cares? Yeah. No, I think traumatic head injury. Give me ALS. Traumatic head injury?

Yeah, I think so. I've been scanned every way up and down. But after I die, I wanted them to cut open my brain. And I bet I have NFO disease. What do you think happened? How did you get these brain injuries? I've been banging my head around real hard since I was like four years old.

Can't tell my extremis. Adrenaline, chronic, stimuli, maniac. Right. You feel me? Yeah. Hell yeah. And so when I go for it, I go hard. That's right.

Even when I was a toddler, there was no half-stepping. Okay. And that means you bang your head into the drywall real hard a lot. Yeah. But also I've been being in several times unconscious. You've been being up. You've been being unconscious. Several times.

Too concussion or just being in a blackout. So there are things with the brain that are a mystery. Like my disease is 150 years old and the only medicine they have is sitting. And I'll find where that. But look, I bet when it comes down to it, they're going to find that I just rocked out my cock out too hard and it's all good. What do you think about tonight's episode, Michael Lair? Well, I don't know about anything that happened in the past.

I live in the moment and I deal with the future in pragmatic ways. So this people mother fucker who will never working in, who loves comedy, who does not have any fucks to give, he's coming to us and mother fucker. Wow. What an incredible reveal. Michael Lair announcing his move to Austin. This guy is mobile and ready to go. It's about a 28 day wheelchair ride to Austin, Texas, and he's about to take it.

I need people's houses about to recharge my chair. That's right. He's going to need to stop in Alhambra. Burbank. Yeah. A lot of places. So he's going to have a little snail trail out there leaving his mark on the beautiful road. Hopefully there's some sidewalks on the way to Austin.

Fucking put me in the trunk and give me the microphone and tell me where you want the motherfucking funny. Wow. There you go. He's going to be performing exclusively inside the trunk of a car. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything, Michael Lair. Thank you so much, Michael Lair. You're the best, buddy.

There he goes. Let's look at tonight's drawing from Ryan Jebel, every single print available, RyanJebel.com. Wow. Look at that one. Bill Billingsley with an extra large bottle of liquor. I feel like that was definitely drawn in the moment. Look at me. Jeremiah the Jet Ski Red Band.

What a drawing. RyanJebel.com. He's doing a bunch of auctions, other things, fun times. Guys, this is it. December 8th, the debut special of Jeremiah Watkins, family reunion. Jeremiah Watkins molded and folded here on Kill Tony, your very own band leader. You kill Tony fans. Have to support Jeremiah.

Go to Amazon.com or JeremiahWatkins.com. Anywhere you want to go, watch family reunion. Jeremiah, what else? If you like the sax hat, you can get that at JeremiahWatkins.com too. Sax hat? Sax hat. I want to thank Tony and Brian for always being supportive of me on this show and supporting stand up endeavors and taking me on the road to a lot of places where I formed, you know,

this material over the years and stuff like that. And just like there's a lot of fun crowd work moments and stuff like that. And I developed those chops like being around these guys. So I'm very grateful to Tony and Brian. So thank you guys. Jeremiah Watkins giving credit where it rightfully deserves. Thank you, buddy. You're a good friend.

Thank you. How about a big hand for the Jet Ski Jesse Johnson, everyone getting us through it. Absolutely powerful. She has handmade ornaments available. JetSkiJohnson.com. What else, Jesse? Thank you so much. Check out Jeremiah's special.

It's awesome playing the band with him. And yeah, he took us on the road for the weekend. He's amazing. Check him out. He's hilarious. You'll get your money's worth. There you go. Get it.

December 8th. Family reunion. Who else? Oh, the Joe Craig, Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez was with us all night. You guys. I mean, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I love all of you. I mean, it's like, this is awesome.

There's this family. I love Jeremiah. I'm so happy that he's got his special coming out soon. You know, we get crazy here. The comedy story is a hub for psychopaths and all the miscreants. And it's the island of misfit toys. And I just so happen to be one of them. So, you know, I get crazy.

Here we are. All right, here we go. Here's Tony laughing at me. It's all good. It's all right. This is the first time he laughed at me. I love you guys. Any sort of any sort of craziness that I get into is not against my friends.

I'm just trying to have a good time. I love you guys. Thank you for letting me have. Okay. All right. Red Band. Hey, guys. Check out Desquad.tv.

Don't forget to check out Dead Air with Brian Holtzman, who might be moving to Texas. We'll see what happens there. And Brothers in Cursive. Check that out. Desquad.tv. Go to Cratom.com, baby. Absolutely.

Support our sponsors that you heard earlier on in the episode. And don't forget Jeremiah Walken's Family Reunion. Jeremiah? Just one more thing. Starting out here at the comedy store, Tony Hinchcliffe and Benji Aflalo were the first to put me on potluck all the time. And Brian Red Band was the first person to book me on his Desquad shows out of the ice house. So they helped me like get in here at the store.

So thank you once again, guys. There you go. Thank you so much. Congratulations, buddy. Congratulations, Jeremiah. We're very proud of you. Good night, everybody. We'll see you next week.

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