KILL TONY - #485 - SAM TRIPOLI

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Sam Tripoli, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 12/07/2020THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Gold and Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode, and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store, Main Room, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony HinchCliff. I'm so happy to be here. How about you, Red Band? I can't believe it. I am too. My goodness, Christmas is right around the corner, and I couldn't be more excited. I've been a nice boy this year. I'm off the naughty list. I got enough coal from all the

previous years to build a coal castle. Green energy, man. That's it. And now that we live here in beautiful Texas, no, I'm kidding. We're at the comedy store in West Hollywood, California. And look who's here, everybody, a former Texan himself, now a resident of the great state of California. It's Ryan J. E. Bell. Wow, he draws every episode. He's drawing tonight's episode. It's going to be a big one tonight. You know, I was thinking in the future, we might have to just have a zoom in for Ryan just to watch the episode. We got to figure out something with Ryan. That's for sure.

Yeah, we don't want to lose that sweet, sweet angel. Uh-uh. No, look at that little fucking puppy head, that fucking French bulldog fucking machismo. This goddamn suave king of the Nordic seas. All of the prints are available. Ryan J. E. Bell. He draws every episode, including the tour posters. How about a big hand for Charlie from Vito's Pizza, everybody? Keeping us well fed. Vito's is amazing. It's on Las Cienega between Santa Monica and Melrose. Why not grab a slice? They're open during all these crazy times.

Take out or delivery or get it on Postmates. We're going to have to have Vito's flown in. Yep. Or maybe they'll build a location in Texas soon. And the great Gino is here. Yeah. Speedweed Gino. Also the CEO over at Betterbox Studios, which let us camp out there during a lot of this pandemic. And here we go. We're ready for another incredible episode of Kill Tony. But before we start, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made this episode

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Yes, it's good to be back. I'm so excited. You guys ready to start this show or what, huh? 90 people in the room built for 600. Let's do this. Tonight's guest, one of my favorite human beings on the planet, famously the host of the Tinfoil podcast and a bunch of other incredible shows, Punch Drunk Sports, Sam Tripoli, this Sam Tripoli, that he's the first guy to ever take me out on the road. Me also. Sparking the ignition to one of the most incredible, youthful comedy careers ever, the career of Tony Hinchcliffe. A lot of people say this man is responsible. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great Sam Tripoli. Here he is everybody. Wow. What an honor. One of the funniest human beings on the planet. This is a true comedy store killer

right here. Thank you. It's an honor to be here. The comedy store documentary. I was so happy to see you reference so many times on that because you're such a powerful force. You are what I consider a true comedy store comic. No fear, spitting fire, changing paces, faster, slower, faster, slower, working the fucking crowd, killing in your time slot, no matter when it may be, no matter what they saw earlier, a relentless fucking murder. Keep going. I often say you're the dexter of the comedy store. I've been known as saying you are the Genghis Khan of late night comedians. Perfect. I think that's good. Right. And all the comedy careers that you've sparked, including mine. I didn't know how to go on the road until you took me there. That was for, I

believe, a three or five thing was a five minute spot. Cold opening year shows me, Sarah Tiana, Steve Simone and you. Thank you, dude. And Sam brought me on the first paid gig to Santa Barbara at the Red Velvet room. Yeah, dude, that was a fun gig too, dude. Also famously took me to open up for him at a corporate gig of 7-Eleven owners in a dining hall at round table on a microphone connected to a podium. And when I did that show, there was only one person laughing in the back of the room filming it. It was Sam tripling. He was cracking up. What a different time, huh? Halfway on the halfway up to Modesto for that 7-Eleven owners convention. Christmas party for Indians. Yeah, exactly. I asked him what the gig we were doing

was. Is this like anything in particular? And he goes, it's a convention of 7-Eleven owners, bro. And I laughed. Like I didn't want to like ask to make sure. So I thought he was kidding. So I didn't take it seriously. And I didn't want to be annoying. You know, when you're first starting out opening, you just want a gig. You don't want to piss off the guy, but I didn't even prepare. I didn't write any jokes like anything. Oh, that showed. Oh my God. No, it was horrendous. It was the best. Yeah, man. It was good. I'm very happy. You guys are adapting. It is weird to be in here. I feel like will I am and I am legend doing comedy right now. You're like, it's like a zombie apocalypse. There's all there's like five of us in here. There's people getting eaten outside. So

it's a pleasure to be in German shepherd walking around for some reason. We have a band on this show. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. You know about this super wacky. Sometimes they're milk men. Sometimes they're out of control. Sometimes they're, you know, post people, postal people, anything can happen. Let's find out what they are tonight. When I introduced you to the best band in the land, it's the Kiltoni band, Jeremiah Walkins and Joel Bertol Jimenez. Here we go. Uh oh. That's that's music I haven't heard before. I don't think. Whoa. Oh my goodness. Wow. I do believe we have birdwatchers for the first time ever. A lot of people have been asking, when will the band be birdwatchers? The answer has happened.

I believe like, my guess is that this idea for being a character started after Jeremiah found that hat. And then I guess the rest just wrote itself after that. Hello birdwatcher. What's your name? Nathaniel Thornberry. Nathaniel Thornberry has arrived. Welcome to the history books of Kiltoni, my friend. He watches the birds and I breed them. Nathaniel Thornberry. And who's this little whipper snapper behind me on the drums? Hi Tony. The name is Bob Henry. Bob Henry. What's your deal, Bob? I'm just a birdwatcher and I'm president of the Aviary Society of Men. Wow. What do you guys do at that society? We watch this guy try to breed with birds. Oh, there's a 13 year old.

Red parrot. From the Mayan jungles. On its period. Okay. There we go. Nathaniel Thornberry and Bob Henry joining us with the great Sam Tripoli red band and his sound board. Ryan J. E. Belt, Vito's Pizza. Everything's happening. So let's just start the show. Shall we? Here we go. You guys ready to kick this fucking thing off, huh? Oh hell yeah. Even though there's nine people in the room, I'm going to do the cheesy thing and say you guys can do better than that. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? All right. In that case, here's a surprise for you. We're going to flip some things around today and start with a fucking super bang. As I present to you a regular on this

show that is absolutely blown fucking minds. This guy trained at the art of, wait, wait, wait, wait, just wait, just hold on a second over there. You're really jumping the fucking gun on this one. I mean, Jesus Christ. From the great state of New York, trained in the arts of improvisational activities over its second city in Chicago. It is the one and the only Michael Lehrer everybody. Here he is. Wow. He's a tank. It's a fucking tank. Wow. That's a real tank. There's a claw attached. Look at this. This is absolutely incredible. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. This is incredible. The tank is shooting at us. The accuracy quite shocking. Whoa. There's bubbles. Whoa. Oh my goodness. There's bubbles. He's shooting out. This is my mind is completely blown. This is one of the most

threatening, threatening forces in the history of the show. That's the worst glory hole I've ever seen. Michael Lehrer has arrived. His hair is hanging out of the whoa. Oh my goodness. Wow. I do believe we're going to watch him catch on fire here today. This is very exciting. I don't think they ran a test on these devices. Wait till the cum starts flying out. This is absolutely incredible. It appears as though there are. There's a hand sticking out. Here he is. Michael Lehrer everybody. No, Michael. Michael couldn't be here. I'm an ice cream winner. Tom tanks. I won multiple ice cream and every movie involved tanks. So give me a suggestion of a movie and I'll tank it and show you my ice cream winning moment. Okay. How about Forest Gump? Oh, life is like a fleet of tanks.

You never know what Eastern European country is going to sell there for $500. Wow. There you go. Wow. I love the noise that happens after you make a joke. Hey, give me another one. Okay. Oh, you're blowing bubbles. He's excited over there. How about the hip movie 1994 classic Goodfellas? Oh, you think you think I'm a you think you think I'm a tanky guy? Oh, am I here just as you miss is that you? Oh, what am I on my tank? He just rolled over there. Wow. I remember that. I remember that very clearly from Goodfellas. Can I name another movie? Yeah. Okay. All right. How about, uh, how about the classic gone with the wind?

Tanks. I better have with actually work dude. I like that. I thought you were going to say tankly my dear. I don't give a damn. Oh my god. That would have been so much better. I you mean rather more. Let's see if I quick fire more movies. Yeah. Okay. Uh, let's do which Sam you got a movie you want him to do the famous movie by Belladonna my buttholes haunted. Oh man. I feel like I got fucked by a Russian thing. How about a Schindler's list? Hey, every tank on this list will not be turned in the scrap metal.

How about the color purple? Oh, Ghostbusters. Good one. Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters. Oh, I've been tank is like signed by my novel by tank. Oh, wow. Absolutely incredible. How about roots? Roots. My name is tanker tanker. God, how about the birdwatchers? You guys got a movie in mind?

Thank you for smoking. Oh, there you go. Um, if people keep driving tanks named people are going to die with the tank industry is lying to us. Oh, well done. Bob Henry. Bob. Bob Henry, you got a movie? Yes, absolutely. How about Jurassic Park? Good one. Um, the claws moving, but they're not much. Don't move. I think I hear a tank. How about how about the classic Cheech and Chong up in smoke? Uh, man, I feel like I smoked a cruise missile.

Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible tank. This is, this is really, really impressive. I can't believe that you have this wealth of history. What else have you been doing with yourself? Those party poppers aren't working the way you thought they would. Keep seeing each one individually wiggle and not at night. You know, my disease body can no longer put this thing on a party popper. I can't believe this. I thought that I thought you weren't Michael Lair. What? You're a tank with a disease body? Um, I rest. Uh-huh. How about the movie The Sixth Sense? Bruce Willis classic.

I see cheeps. That's a great one, dude. Very good. That's a great one. What else is going on tank? Um, you know, just, um, well, I'm happy to be a tank for the upcoming race civil war when Trump won't leave office. Can I get you to sort of cheat towards that camera? Can you sort of, can you sort of just turn? No. Star Wars. Can I hear Star Wars? Yeah. How about a Star Wars? Yes. Yes. That's exactly hilarious. I noticed you're the first tank I've ever seen that had

a set of eyes drawn on it. It's almost like a weaponized trash can. Early in my life, I was molested by a Humby. Wow. Oh my goodness. The famous look at that camera in the tank is really priceless. I don't know if you can picture it, but there is look at you. All right. Let me think of another movie here. I feel like there's more that I'm gonna ask what he does. Kill Bill. Kill Bill. One of my favorites. The tank is laughing. The tank is laughing at us. I'm trying to pop it. Um, kill Bill. No. Um, I would get remand. I would accept that my name is Buck and I like the.

My name is Frank and I like to tank. Ah, there you go. All right. Well, what else tank? Well, I'm just waiting for a policy. Yeah. I want the interview to go long because I want you to get your money's worth out of all the work that you put into this project. No, man. I do. I'm disabled. I'm no dumb. This is like Netflix for me. I love it. Can you dance for us? Can you do a little yeah? That's a great idea, Brian. I've never seen a tank dance before and we're about to make history. Here he goes. Here comes the great David Deerey. David Deerey taking the microphone. Here comes some music. Oh, wow. Okay. Let's see what happens here. Whoa. It's doing the robot.

Wow. Oh, wow. It's sponsored by the Home Depot. It's like a NASCAR this thing. Uh-oh. Oh, he's backing that ass up. Look out. Uh-oh. What's going to happen next? Oh my goodness. This is incredible. He's stuck. Yeah. Seems to be some technical difficulties going on over there. The Home Depot. There is a flaw in the design of this tank. Oh, his bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles going into the darkness. The opposite side of camera. Wait, what just happened? Something opened up down there. There's a flaw. Wow. Wow. A dancing tank. That looks like some North Korean celebration that they do in front of like the upper. It's shaking. That may have been. Oh, he's still alive. It's all good. Yeah. There's a second there.

He needs help out of it. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big hand for the great and powerful Michael Lair. Getting the show started tonight. Here he goes. I believe he's having a panic attack in there right now. It gets claustrophobic real quick. How about a big hand for the great Colette as well? Yes. Nurse slash girlfriend slash member of the Kill Tony family. Give it up for Home Depot. Hey, look, there's Michael Lair. It was him the whole time. I had a feeling it was you. Super talented. Are we going to get to talk to the real man behind the tank? It went, all right. Hey, now, that was fun. It was well worth it. All right, let me move up a little bit because you have a shadow on your face from the other camera. God damn it. You're doing a

good job. This looks great. Yeah. Another hand for Michael Lair, everybody. He's here. All right. Let's waste more time. Have a sexy hair. Look at that. Sexy hair. That's got some bad head looking there like they just burned hard. Motherfucker. I have four cowlicks in Chinese culture. That's good luck. I also have four. Yeah. Yeah, it sucks. I hate it. This guy. Indeed. I have four bird licks, but it's very different things. That was real fun. And I'm really crafty. That tank did not take me long to make. Really? Not to brag. Three half days. Damn. It was amazing. Now, is that three and a half days or three half days? Day and a half. Yeah, I mean, I've just like been lynching and cardboard.

Wow. Look at you. It's true. Cardboard is a malleable substance. Indeed. Some homeless guy's wondering where his house is right now. Right. And now we're returning and it's a weapon of mass destruction now. So he gonna be happy. Wow. I said last year that some downtown bullshit museum for fucking 10 G's goddamn right and then have that bullshit down there went to a goddamn museum. Just kicks as big as a room. Fucking fucking kick museum. Michael, we love you so much. Thanks for getting the show started with a bang. Michael Lair. All right. It's time to meet a stranger. Here we go. All right, we've seen this young lady on the show before famously friends with our resident horoscope. What do they call that? A psychic.

She's here. Nikki Fuchs, everybody. Here she is. Nikki Fuchs. Here we go with Nikki Fuchs. Here's Nikki Fuchs. So me and my dog have a lot in common. She's had six letters of puppies and I've had six abortions. Yeah, I actually since having a dog, I felt really empowered to walk at night. Not necessarily because of the dog, just because I'm carrying a bag of shit in my hand. Right. Nobody's gonna rape you with a bag of shit in your hand. And I know somebody's like, wait a minute, what if your dog doesn't take a shit? I have spares, bitch. And then another person's like, wait a minute, what if that's their thing?

Let me have my fucking moment. Okay. Can I just say my goddamn rape moment? Jesus Christ. She does. She's my soulmate. She's my soulmate. She fills all of my voids. Well, most of them. She's a big black dog. She's not a big black dick. Damn. There you go. Nikki Fuchs with a minute. Wow. Very interesting set. I got to ask six abortions. Is that true? That is a fucking joke. Oh, it's a joke. It's a super joke. It's actually 12. I mean, I've actually had zero abortions. But hey, if you've had an abortion, keep exercising your right booboo. If you count that set, you've had one abortion.

It's not fun being mean when there's not a packed audience here. Thanks, Tony. But it would have been an incredible noise if this place was sold out like it used to be every Monday with humans. Yeah, you would have killed me. Fuckin' pandemic. Oh, that's what they would have done. They liked it. The audience liked it. Here, I'll do it again. They liked it so much, I'll do it again. Zero abortions, but one abortion if you count that set you just did. Late laughter there from the audience. So zero abortions, really? Zero abortions. Not even one? Not even a quick one?

I feel like I just, I'm not going to get, I just don't, I'm not a baby person. Like it's not in my life. How about plan B? Ever do plan B? All the time. All the time. What happens to you when you take plan B? Ever have any odd side effects or anything? Well, I would just get my period immediately like right after. Interesting. Which is probably like a real abortion.

That's right. Yeah, that's a toileted abortion. Yeah, it's like when it's like so small, you know, it's just like you can take the pill at home. So nobody's pulling out anymore, huh? You young kids are just blasting away and hoping and praying. What a wonderful time to be alive. I mean, you just had, you just made a baby. How'd you do that? Didn't pull out. You made two of them. Hey, you call me the M word. I'm a blast away. That's all I got to say.

That's it. That's, that's all it takes. Here's, I like your set. Here's my thing, man. You kind of hit all the young girl things in the set. And which is great because you're new and you know, you kind of want to do the simple stuff. But like when you like, I didn't have any abortions. My biggest problem is like you should be as authentic to who you are, you know, and because like the abortion joke, I like it. It's, but it's easy. The black dick joke. It's easy. The rape joke. It's easy. And maybe at the beginning, you want it to be easy.

But if you start really digging into like your real shit, like who you are, that's what's going to get you to another level. Got you. Like for example, writing jokes about doing plan B, which you actually have done and do do. And you can. I don't do it anymore. That was in college. What was that last week? No, I'm fucking old as shit, dude. I'm probably old as you.

No, thank you. No, you're not. Not old grandpa trip. Yeah, that's me. Dude, I was 54. This is what we call an old bird. How old are you? 33. 33.

That's young. Yeah. Not really. You're the youngest person on this entire show right now. Okay. You little whipper snapper. Yeah. We all just look younger than you.

You definitely look like me. You wish. With my jawline, you would still be taking plan B all the time. Can you imagine Tony and those jeans? Yes. I would love that. I know what I was going to say. I was going to say.

I would love that. Tony, if you had those hips, I would have fucked you already. Hell yeah. I know. I know. Those are nice hips. Thanks, Brian. Appreciate it.

Now, was that overstepping? I feel like we're in this weird place. I don't know. Are you married to your wife? What? Are you married to your wife? Well, I think she, I have to be married if she's my wife, but I don't have a wife.

Okay. That's what I was wondering because you did just have twins, right? Yeah. Okay. So that, I was just trying to figure out like. Wow. A lot of inside information. Questions from the guests.

I was sitting over here. Well, yeah. So, Nikki, what have you been doing during this pandemic, other than cutting your own hair? Hanging out with the dog. Hanging out with the dog? What kind of dog do you have? She's a pit mix.

Oh, wow. Ticking time bomb. Not really. She's actually really nice. Pits are great. They really are. Yeah. Yeah, they really are.

They're little lovers. They get it because of fucking rappers who've ruined everything. Rappers have ruined pit bulls, guns, and weed. They made everybody hate them because they fucked them up in the music videos. Pit bulls are little lovers. Shitty pit bulls, shitty owners. Loving pit, loving owners, loving pit bulls.

Thank you. Yeah. She's not shitty at all. Did you rescue your pit bull? I did. Trouble. This is trouble. These are, this is like one of the women.

This is like one of the women that starts writing to a guy in jail and then when he gets out, let's her, let's him live with her. That pit bull is going to add you. Can you even take it to a dog park with other dogs? I just haven't chose to yet. You just got it. Why? Why do you think you have it?

It's still like new. I'm just trying to learn who she is. We did meet a puppy today. How did that go? They loved each other. Really? They really did like each other. Yeah.

Yeah. How do you know that? Because she didn't eat it. Yeah, she let it go. Yeah. She didn't fucking try to bite it. Like it was fine. When did you get the dog?

Like this summer. What did you name it? Name her. I didn't name her. Don't judge me for this, but her name is Nix. Nix? Yeah. Uh-huh.

Why? So Nix is actually the Greek goddess of the night, and she is an all-black dog. She has a little bit of a bite. Nix is also something that you do not get with the new Manscaped 3.0. There's no Nix, no scratches. It is incredible.

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is a convenient charging dog powered by USB. Do you know that about Nix? Nope. So how old is the dog? She is almost six years old. Six years old. You're taking in a dog halfway through its life. Yeah, man.

Thank you. I just wanted to help something. You know why it was surrendered? Was it because of a problem? So it was actually, she was homeless, and then somebody rescued her. Bad with kids, great with abortions. Okay, go ahead.

I'm sorry. It wasn't worth it. Slogan. It wasn't worth it. Worth it for that show. No, so she, somebody rescued her who had her for an entire year before they were like, all right, I have to rescue another dog now.

Like, I need to get rid of this one. And I was just like, this is awful. Like, I'll take her immediately. All right, great. Yeah. Like, you know, she's literally the sweetest dog. You would probably like her. I love her, I love her.

One in the pit, two in the shoe. Have you ever baby birded food from your mouth into the pit bull's mouth? No. Have you ever baby dogged it where you poop inside the dog's butthole and it poops inside yours? All right.

Human centipede it? Yes. I'm going to go with Tony on this one. All right. Wow, that was very dismissive, and I liked it. Nikki, what else? What have you been doing to pass the time other than hanging out with that dirty?

Trying to fucking do a set on the show. Right. Okay, how about other than that? I've been doing some like open mics. I was trying to date in the beginning, and then I was like, not happening. Why? Why didn't it happen?

Because dudes are real shitty out here. Really? Like how? Why? Most people just want to fuck you. Like, okay, example, I was walking. I would live really close to the comedy show. So I was like walking here,

and some guy with two dogs stopped me while I was walking here with my earphones in to be like, hey, can I like call you sometime? And I was like, well, I'm trying to be in a relationship. Was he black? Yes. And he had two husky dogs. He did.

Yes. How did you know that? Black guys take a shot at it every time. God bless them. Wait, how do you know this guy? Because I know all about that guy. Did you do this a lot? Am I not special?

Nobody knows more about being a husky than a red band. Any huskies? How the fuck do you know? Wait, I'm so curious now. Did you talk to him, too? No, I saw him on the way here. And I've run into that guy before. So it was so funny.

He was like... He asks Red Band for his number all the time. Because Red Band does have a fat ass. Fuck yeah. That shit's big. Yeah. Girl, you know. I do know.

Oh, yeah. I do know. He's got an ass. He's got an ass like... He's killing it at curves. Red Band's got an ass like Michael Lear's tank. Could we do a catwalk with Red Band right now? No.

Can we do what? A catwalk where he models and stuff. Yeah, come on, Red Band. Shake it. You mean a pig walk? Did you give him your number? No. So I wanted to tell the rest of my story,

but if you're not interested... Go ahead. Tell the story. He's... So it's like... No, I'm like actually looking for a relationship. That's what you said to him. It scares people away.

Stop. Don't try to fucking talk like we're best friends or anything like that, Nikki. So he says, hey, can I get your number and call you sometime? And you go straight to... I mean, there's nothing else. Are you cutting the short story short?

You went straight to... So I was like, no. I'm looking for a relationship. Yeah, I was like, no. I'm actually trying to date right now. What type of librarian bitch are you? Well, I mean, if you don't want it, that's a great way to get somebody to run off.

I'm looking for a commitment. Are you in? Fuck. He's like... And he's gone. The Huskies just start dragging him like he's on one of those sluts. Let's go, boys.

He's got healies on. He was... He was... It did end up like that. But basically, he was just like, oh, well, I'm not trying to date. And I was like, well, I'm not trying to fuck. And I walked away.

Yeah. Damn. Look at you. Look at you in your boring ass. I know. I know. I used to not be like that, but it's just... I'm 33.

Like, I got to have something controlled in my life. I love white women when they get sassy to go straight to black check, right? Exactly. And I ain't looking to fuck, you know? Look, look. It worked. The haircut says you bang black guys.

That's what that haircut says. Well, that's what he started with. He's like, I fucking love your hair. I was like, okay. Yep. You might be going for like, kind of fucking punk rocker, but that says I love black dick.

That's what that says. I mean, I do. Like, what do you want me to say? It's like the 90s R&B haircut, too. She's into blackbirds, yes. Have you ever been with a black man? Yeah. She's a white chick.

They have to. Yeah. Is it part of... Is that your main type? No. I'm an equal opportunity. That means you bang lots of black guys. Bling.

I've had sex with a lot of different kinds of guys. She takes a lot of plan B. What's... Wait, you say all different types of guys. Do you ever have sex with a midget? No. You ever have sex with that amputee? I'm in different colors.

Amputee? I mean, do you count like finger or toe? Did you have you hooked up with a guy that lost a finger? Yeah. Did he lose it petting your rescue pit bull? No, I don't have teeth in my vagina. Whoa, I see what you did there. I like that.

What do you think about this, Sam, before we let it go? I think she's doing great. I think you got a great style. I think you just got to be more original. Thank you. With your shit. I really appreciate it. You know, here's my whole thing.

It's like, it's easy to be cookie cutter, but authentic resonates with... Especially in this day and age where the industry's dying, you're not going to worry about them. People want some real shit. And going out there saying you got a bunch of abortions when you didn't, that's like easy laughs. And you'll get a dude.

You just got to put it out there, man. Positive energy into the universe, man. And again, meanwhile, you have this wealth of plan B possible material that you haven't even tapped into yet. Do you cook and clean? I do. Oh, dude, you'll have a guy in a heartbeat.

You can't find a chick. No, I'm 33. I don't have... There is no guy. You will find a guy. What do you cook? What's your best meal that you know how to cook? Thanksgiving dinner.

Yeah, there you go, Sam. Wow, somebody's ready. You have a thousand black guys ready to hook up right now. What if she was like, you know, the typical grits fried okra. Sweet potato pie. There goes Nicky Fuchs, everybody. Thank you, Nicky.

Yeah. I pulled another name out. I'm going to do it quick. Make some noise for John Hanford. Here we go. Here comes another human. Another human being. He's got a cheerleader.

Here is John. I saw a man die of natural causes in a Walmart scooter. I was grocery shopping beginning of the year. I thought this was going to be the biggest thing to happen. I was just walking past him. He was coming at me in the scooter, just kind of drifting head cocked back. Mouth the gate just totally passed out.

I had to fucking sidestep him. And it wasn't until I doubled back about five minutes later, he's crashed into the end of an aisle where the mayonnaise is. Mayonnaise is all over the floor. He's surrounded by about 20 Walmart employees, one of whom is on the phone with 911, another is checking his breathing. The rest are there because they also think

it's going to be the biggest shit they see all year. And it made me think like that man dying right there. There was stuff in the basket. That man was living the American dream. He fucking lived the modern day American dream to the fullest. That man should have a flag draped over his casket and buried in Arlington. John Anford, how's it going?

How do you feel about that? Best set of your life? Not the best, but I enjoyed it. It was better than your last one, I thought. Thank you, I thought so too. You look better since the last time you were here. What changed about you? I took mushrooms a couple of weeks ago.

That's what did it. Life. Yeah, and it just gave me a lot of insights about number one, just being more in the moment and not really relying on writing out the material, just kind of feeling it out. Like you said, Sam, this pandemic has totally brought to light like shit's dying, shit's changing,

we need authenticity. And it just gave me a new life. Jesus, this guy's running for fucking president. Oh my God. He's gonna be the mayor of Silver Lake very soon. God, I know. This guy looks like Edward Snowden and Edward Scissorhands. I'll take it.

You're like Edward Norton antivirus. Edward jokes, everybody. Very rarely do I get to squeeze in a bunch of Edward jokes in a row. Remind us of you, John Anford. What do we need to know about you? Well, I used to work in baseball. I quit to pursue stand-up.

It's like from money ball to funny ball. Damn straight, yeah. Exactly. What do you work in baseball? So I used to be a player development intern. He used to be the kid that would sit on the third baseline and get the foul balls and give them to people. No, go ahead.

I'm sorry. No, I mean, we could seriously be here for hours if we're really gonna dig right in. But the coolest thing I did in baseball, I was a player development intern for the New York Mets in 2014 with their single-a affiliate in Savannah, Georgia. That is cool. It was fucking sick.

Brody. You say baseball three times, baseball, Beetlejuice, Brody Stevens pops up out of nowhere. Brody, how's everything going in heaven if that's where you ended up? I take Leviton. You still take it even though that's how the afterlife works? What time does the internet close?

Oh, wow. All right. There you go. All right, thank you, Brody. Always depressing hearing your voice. Do you know who Brody Stevens is? Of course. Right.

Yeah. Do you think it's too late to trade you for him? Oh, I would never do that. You wouldn't trade that? I wouldn't actually do that. I don't want you to go and pull Brody. So that's why I said that. If we knew some type of seance

that where we could hang you and Brody comes back, we would do it just to try to do that. Maybe we should. Has that ever happened before in scientific history? Birdman, do you know about this? It's a very scary conversation right now. Look, I think we're in the darkest timeline where I'm here and Brody isn't.

So I've just accepted that. Love yourself, brother. Absolutely. So is that a real story? Yeah. Yeah, it's all true. Yeah, it happened mid-January in Yucca Valley, California. That Walmart is just fucking magical.

You always see some kind of shit going on. But I feel like Yucca is the noise that you make when you go down on a girl. It's usually what she says back to me. She's like, uh, yeah. But yeah, like it happened. Why would she say that to you? Well, wait, like if, you know, because I'm a 50-50.

When you go down on a girl, do your glasses? It's always a 69. Okay. Always. What does that mean? What does that mean to you? What does what mean to me? It's always 69.

Oh, it means I'm equality all the time. Is that true? You 69? What happens to your glasses when you're doing that? They don't, I don't need these. Like they're, they're not real. No, no, they're real. Like, like you guys are blurry, but I can.

Yeah, I do that. Yeah, I can still drive. So when did you decide you wanted to look like Howard Stern? When was that? Uh, after I got banned from his show. I, um, I, I interned for him, uh, 10 years ago. Wow, you really did? For four hours.

Hey now. He did not know, but, um, because like I had a couple interviews with Sirius XM and like they both went really well, and then they had me back for a third and that went well. They said, well, be in touch. And then it was Christmas and they're on vacation, but they told me like the start date and time. They're just like, look, if you do get this internship,

you got to be at the McGraw Hill building, January 3rd, 2010 at 4am. So I fucking got there and, uh, with no confirmation. I just heard, you know, Robin one time, uh, she was like, I like persistent interns. I figured, all right, I'll get off on the right foot. And, uh, I get there, I talk with the door guy and, um, he's just like, look, dude, you're not on the list.

What do you want me to do? And I was like, can you just call them? So they sent me up and, uh, I was just fucking answering phones. Um, like, and the production staff like really likes me. You know, Will was cool. Uh, you know, Gary was, was fucking sick. Gary Delabate. Delabate.

Yeah. How big are his teeth? Oh, they're, I mean, you know how big they are. They're, they're, they're on the show. Jesus. Damn. Hard mic drop for you. People, uh, listening while in bed on your headphones.

Yeah, that was not shoulder. They stopped 69. Yeah. I, I tried to be on the show, but then, uh, 8 a.m. rolled around Tracy Milman, the producer at the time. I was just like, Hey, which one? He was John Hanford. I was like, yeah, that's me.

She was like, yeah, you got to leave. You're not one of my interns. So I, I cowered and I just like fucking crumbled. So I, I got back on the long island railroad. Oh God. Yeah. I didn't fucking, I know. I didn't fucking fight for myself.

So. Well, there you go. What a pussy. How old were you 10 years ago? Uh, I was, I was 19. Wow. Look at that. What an opportunity that would have been for you.

But then you got stranger things. Incredible. You got a lot, you got a lot of looks going on here. You're doing a lot of colors. You're, you're, you're trying to very much like Silver Lake, this shit. What part of town do you live in? So I live in Joshua tree in the desert. I'm like, I used to look like Rachel Maddow when I lived in New York.

And then I, once I shed the corporate life, I figured, you know, we'll go full hippie Jew. And young Bernie Sanders. Yeah. I mean, might as well be. I can't fucking dance either. So yeah. So pretty much I decided to move to the desert. Just I could play music there and shit.

I play guitar. Have you tried to use the handshakes with any of the fellow Jews here to get some shit going? Yeah. No, I haven't been in LA enough. So I put some change in your hand when you shake them. Oh my God. You don't lose those stereotypes, man. I've been to a concentration camp.

I went to fucking Dachau. You know, they got a food court there. Is that a joke? No, no, I'm dead serious. Do you do that as a joke? What? Not a joke. There's a food court at Dachau and like five o'clock rolls around.

They got the Dachau Dacarys for happy hour. And stop it. That was a joke. But I was walking around for like two hours there. That's what you should open up with. I was thinking about it and then I was like, no, no, dead guy at Walmart. But I figured, dude, should I open up with the funny thing? No, I'm going to go unfunny and try to get it going.

I love the fringe, man. But like, no, but what did they sell at the food court? What did they have? Well, they got fish and chips and like they're never thought to be able to say this, but. Overcooked. No, the food at the concentration camp. Not bad. No, it's like good.

Wow. Yeah. It was like it was, you know, you really ate the fish and chips at a concentration camp. I grew up in Seattle. Yeah. I missed Ivers. Can we can we look up those Yelp reviews, please? That's so funny, dude.

What do you think? They got merch there, too. But that would have been cool to get. I would totally get a fucking concentration camp. Fucking T-shirt. Yeah. Absolutely. I hard.

I survived the summer. I survived the summer at Dekau concentration camp on Gilden shirt. My whole thing with your jokes is that you got trim a lot of fat. You kept saying he was living the American dream. And I know he had time, but you never said what. Why? Why do you live the American dream? Yeah, it was it was getting at the consumerism of it.

There's more to that bit that I'm like, you know, trying to work out and feel out. Yeah. There you go. Fresh off of mushrooms though. You're being creative. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time. John Hanford, everybody. There he goes.

Last time I did shrooms. Last time I did shrooms, I was so high. I fell in love with 30 seconds from Mars. Really? Yeah, they were. I was at. I was at the K Rock almost acoustic Christmas and they were dude. I was so high and they came out and that dude shred that band shredded.

And I was like, now I get why everybody loves gay Jesus. He looked like gay Jesus. Isn't that Jared Lotto? Yeah, dude. Crush profits of rage. The best live band I seen. Who I was profits of rage, which is like a public enemy. Now that's awesome.

Wow. Yeah. On shrooms. Fuck. Yeah, dog. Well, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, a guy who works at the Hollywood improv. He's been coming here signing up for years. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is.

Brandon Bricks. Here he comes. Here comes Brandon Bricks, Brandon Bricks. Before I begin, can you guys follow me on Instagram at diabetes the second? You got to watch what you post on Instagram. You got to watch it, man, because I had a picture on Instagram that cost me a gig. I had a picture of powdered sugar on my nose. And I know it looked like I did cocaine.

And the black church told me we're not supporters of cocaine because they were going to hire me for a gig, but they looked at my Instagram and they were like, that's cocaine. And I'm like, no, that's powdered sugar. I'm 365 pounds. I can't control my life. And they're like, no, we know cocaine when we see it. I said, oh, you know cocaine when you see it, but you can't tell me that your choir director's gay.

That's something to get back to the room. Wow. 45 seconds of thunder and lightning from Brandon Bricks. How are you, man? I'm blessed. Happy to be here. Praise the Allah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. There is a minute right there. So let's talk about it, Brandon. How long have you been on stand up? Seven years. Seven years. All of it here in Los Angeles. I'm from here.

Yeah. I started here. Wow. You're like low blood sugar night. That was original. I'm going to give you that. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You can have it. You can use it. I'm going to write down my fat. I love that you use the inside when you buy a pair of Fila shoes as a jacket. You stitched it all together. Man, this is the actual Fila bag, nigga. Wow. Look at that.

Look at that. He just called me the n-word. Congrats. I wish he'd called me that. Sam Tripoli just came to this party. I so want to get a boner, you know. Two Jews on a white guy. All y'all niggas at heart.

Who's the second Jew? Who are the Jews? Sam, you're not Jewish. That's what you know? No, dude. Who do you think the other Jew is? I'm Armenian. No, no, no.

Because every time I look at you, I swear to God, I think you're Jewish, dog. Everybody does. I'm Armenian. So it's not just me. OK. I can't tell. You're looking at me or him. That eyes all over the place.

I have cancer. That eye is looking out the fucking exit door. I got a brain tumor, so it caused my eyes. Totally different. Really, dude? Is that true? No. You just want to make it feel like a dick.

Yeah, I don't feel like a dick. I was like, how could I come up with so good brain tumor jokes? He uses a brain tumor as an excuse for the new extra weight. Three more pounds. Tumor is getting bigger. 365 pounds. You said that you are. Is that correct?

Actually, I'm 450. 450? 380. 380? This guy. Seriously, you have a number for us? 380. Probably 380.

I gained over the COVID. I was in the house because I was going to kill myself. Like, what kind of house were you? Oh, come on. Don't kill yourself. No, no, man. I worked so hard to get a show at the Hollywood Improv. They finally gave it to me.

And then, motherfucker, the Hong Kong food came, and then. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So let's talk about what you were saying. That fan showed up. You said you gained weight. Yup. You said that you gained weight living in a house.

What house was that? The house of pancakes. Would you go from Dave Chappelle to the Tories B.I.G.? What happened? Actually, I was originally 380 a year ago. And then I was working out, and I was on a grind. I was on tour with Preacher Lawson. And I was like, yeah, he's a great guy.

Great guy. So he got me vegan, right? Because you know, Preacher, so I was eating. I don't even know what kind of fucking grass I was eating. He was bread, dude. It's bread. This is what people do when they hang out with vegans. They just eat a bunch of bread.

You ate a bunch of bread, right? Potatoes. But yeah, same shit, same carbs, different shit. But I was actually on a good road of health. I could actually run a mile without stopping. But then since I've been in the house, man. It was just like, I was just playing PlayStation. I just got the PS5.

So I'm just in the house getting fat. And I'm keeping it. How do you, what do you eat when you're at home? My wife usually cooks like, just like meatloaf and starch. Just starch. Meatloaf is a regular thing at your house? Nigga, fuck yeah. Damn.

Wow. Regular meatloaf. What do you, what do you know? When meatloaf's on the table, you can have meatloaf anytime. Hey, spit that shit, nigga. Absolutely. You have meatloaf with ketchup on it? No, barbecue.

I'm allergic to ketchup. You're allergic to ketchup? What else are you allergic to? Just ketchup. Isn't there ketchup in barbecue sauce? No, no, no. You know, actually, I'm really allergic to alcohol. I can't, I can't drink like vodka.

So they put vodka and ketchup. A lot of people don't know they put vodka and ketchup. What the fuck are you talking about? Okay. Cause I can eat pizza with tomato paste. Are we now? But I can't eat ketchup cause it has alcohol in it. I've never heard that.

Yeah, it does. It does. Well, why? Cause you're an alcoholic or you're allergic to alcohol? I don't know. Every time I eat it, I break out. And what, drunkenness? Fat white chicks?

Funny. What do you mean you break out? I've never fucked a white chick. What do you mean you break out? Like I break out in the hives on my face. Wow. Interesting. I didn't even know black guys could get hives.

I'm not that bad. I'm medium black. Now, just a moment ago. That's not what a police officer would say. Are you damn right about that? Never had sex with the white species before. Never had what? Yep, never had sex with a white girl.

Why do you think that is? Well, I love sisters. Hispanics and blacks have always been my forte. Wow. Racist. Yep. My dick is. My goodness.

Picking up for you in the back there. She got a haircut for your people. Respect that. Bruh. Have you ever done anything with a white woman? Argued with one or anything? Cause I'm from LA. So most of the white woman out here, not good.

But when I was on New York, when I was on tour, when I was on tour with a preacher, if I wasn't married, I would have tried it. Cause I met some people out there. You met some people. I like that. I met a couple of people. I had a couple of business meetings.

His eyes straightened out when he said that. There is. For those of you listening, he has a very large forest Whittaker vibe. He's like, honey, I didn't mean to cheat. I just had ketchup that night. I don't remember what happened. He's the only guy that can look at both Joel and camera one at the same time. Hey, man.

Hey. All my credits and talents shouted out to the world. It's incredible. Absolutely. This guy's got. You're great, dude. You're a good right. Obviously you're on the road with preacher.

He's great. You got great writing and it's just, yeah, man, just keep going. And I appreciate it. Thank you. You know, I mean, like it's like maybe you need to stop playing video games and just get out and start working out a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

You're right. But I'm married. Let's be honest. When you married, you understand that it's a job in itself. So it's just hard because I have to motivate her because if she doesn't do it, I won't do it. And you know, your wife, a big lady too. Yeah, but she's lost weight because she actually has diabetes.

So I have to make sure she takes her medicine and all that because she actually has it. So right. Get the nutritionist from David Lucas might help. Yeah. Look at that. David Lucas is on a great diet right now because he got money. He does. He has money.

How do you how does he have money? He has money. This motherfucker be flying and doing all kinds of his dad's like a senator. He actually he actually stayed in my room in Vegas when I was doing the Jimmy Kimmel comic club. And this motherfucker was fucking the whole time. I was all right. All right.

We're not going to throw our friend. Yes. More details, please. David can't even fit under a bus. And the bitch is bigger than him. All right. All right. Stop it.

Right now. That one's got to fuck them. That one's got to fuck them. Wow. I have to say about big chicks, tighter vaginas. But that's another show. Yeah. You really believe that?

What's my I get into it. It's more pressure. We know you can get into it. Yeah, I do. I mean, dude, I'm from the 607. That's what we're all about, dude. Big bitches keeping it real for I call them first round draft pick moms. Right.

I mean, dude, the skinny bitches don't put out pro athletes, dude. No, they run for the dick too. You got to go to fucking the county fair fucking county jail. Get yourself a big bitch. And that's how you're going to have a D one athlete dog. God damn right. Back to back. We fighting crime together.

Heroes. Yeah, tiny chicks are going to be like fucking save me. Big chicks are like move out of the way so I can kick him. I tell every woman the same thing. Listen, if gunshots you hungry now, I'm saying you to sell the same. Every woman the same thing. No, I just tell them like if anything happens, nigga, I'm not staying.

I'm running like I'm not. What does this look like? You keep saying that you used to run a mile that you'll run. Like I don't believe it. Can we get you running, Zach? Can you get on camera one? Can you we want to? Can you start over there and then run?

Can you run to the table that William's at and then run back? Just do a lap. Do a lap. Come on. Can we keep the spotlight on him? All right. Here we go. And go.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Damn. Those knees are sore. I'm more impressed with the stop than anything. It really is. I'm telling you, I'm from the hood, so you already know.

Stopping on a dime could save your life, nigga. Yes. That's what we call a five second 40. 40 times a cousin. Tresap over here. He runs a Fodee. Yeah. The bird watcher said that's what he said.

Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. What part of LA do you live in now? I live in Boyle Heights. Boyle Heights. Wow. Mexico, so you know. Yeah, for sure.

My goodness. Well, Bricks, Brandon Bricks, it was a fun time. Hey, man, have fun being here. Thank you. There you go. Dude, you know what is nice? Yeah. Compton Inglewood.

You've been out there? Inglewood, yeah. Dude, because they're building all those stadiums? Dude, it's nice. It's all nice out here. I'm telling you, when I moved here from fucking Youngstown, Ohio, I'm like, hey, let's drive through Compton and Inglewood, all these songs that I listened to on the Tupac

albums that I had back in the day. And I went there and I was shocked at how nice it was. It was completely everything. Everybody's like, grass is cut. There's houses everywhere in my shitty neighborhood. It was a regular thing for houses to just get arson down. That's when you know you're in a dangerous neighborhood. It's when there's less and less houses all the time.

But everything was there, real estate for sale, gates on the windows. But we obviously used to that, too. Anyway, who gives a fuck? Your next comedian goes by the name. We know this guy. He's a wild one. Look out, Trey Peacock, everybody.

Here he comes. Here we go. Uh-oh, Trey Peacock. Come on. One more time for Trey, everybody. If you ever meet a guy with one hand, probably don't shake it. You know, because that dude uses that hand for everything. Jacking off, wiping his ass, sneezing, all of it.

You meet a guy with two hands. He shake his hand because then it's only a 50-50% chance that all that shit's on there. But you meet a woman with one hand, and you get down on your knee and kiss that shit like she's a princess. Because let's be honest, she's doing all the same shit, but that's the flavor you want on your lips.

While you're down there kissing it, might as well throw a ring on that bitch. Because that's the one lady you could be pretty sure that she won't run away with all your shit, you know? She can't carry it. I'll share the road with bikers, but they better be able to pedal the fucking speed limit. Wow, Trey Peacock.

Look at that. I mean, this is the guy that we watched start. Didn't we watch your beginning here on Kill Tony? Yes, sir. A couple of few months ago in this very room, and on that very spot, am I correct? Yep. And then you came on again, and then again,

and now this time? Fourth time. This is your fourth time? Yes, sir. Clearly your best time, correct? I believe so, yeah. Yeah, it was by a lot. Thanks.

You're welcome. I mean, we've seen this before. You've come to term in a few months. You were a premature baby, right? Yep. I can tell. When were you born? Seven months?

September 11th. Wow, look at that. That's the saddest thing to ever happen on September 11th in the history of civilization was your birth. Yeah, that's a tough one. I don't know. Probably that. Yeah, it wasn't even a question, Trey.

OK. So give us a day in the life of Trey Peacock. Where'd you drive from today, Modesto? Well, I've been out here this weekend, but yeah, I'm in Modesto. What have you been doing here this weekend? Trying to do comedy, hanging out with friends, you know. Yeah, what have you and your friends been doing,

hanging around a little barrel fire? Partying, yeah. What kind of partying? Barrel fire, barbecues. Oh, barbecues. Look out. Not just going crazy. Yeah, like what?

Tell us about it. Give us a little glimpse into the fucking white trash. Drinking beer, smoking blunts in the car, running from the cops, you know, same old shit. You love that shit. You love tempting police officers. Yeah, I actually just passed, like, I got away from court right before I came out this week.

Like, I thought they were going to book me for real. Like, I was actually scared. But then they're like, not 500 bucks, and you're cool. I was like, sweet. But my license is still suspended. How come? I don't know. I can't figure it out.

So you drove here, though, on a suspended license? No. Jesus, dude. The cops aren't listening to this show right now. I hope not. But that drive, everyone knows that's a dangerous drive because you get pulled over for everything on that drive. They're so bored.

Yeah, it's Fresno. Yeah. How's your family doing? Any big happenings in the famously white trash family of Trey Peacock? Still just building conveyors, you know. Also, what is your heritage? Because Peacock is a beautiful family name. My mom's Mexican.

Yeah, that is. You found a Peacock here. Isn't that exciting for you? Yeah. What are the odds? Birdwatcher? Very enticed right now. Wow.

My goodness. I don't like the way he's looking at me. It's OK, Trey. What? Trey is a very paranoid guy. You do a lot of illicit drugs. Am I correct, Trey? Sure.

What's the most recent drug that you did? Can we take a guess? Can we all guess? No, you go ahead. Because you are, you're. Based on the, I'm going to say there's been a little crystal meth in that party. Right on the nose.

Wow, look at that. Right up the nose, I believe would have been a better terminology. Yeah, I snored the meth. You smoked crystal meth or you snored it? No, I snored it. He said it. Wow, look at that. My goodness.

When did you do crystal meth? Maybe an hour ago. Jesus. An hour ago? Yeah. Wow, this is so much fun, Trey. You're the laziest meth guy I've ever seen. Well, that's why I smoked the weed to bring me back down.

You know, this is nerve wracking. So I got to, you know, balance it out. Jesus Christ. You're doing speed and stand up is fucking insane, dude. Yeah, we're in here. But yeah, it was like, I'm killing. Maybe. Does crystal meth make your head shrink?

Yeah, it does. Well, that hat and being massive on you. For those of you listening to the podcast, the hat is almost covering his ears completely. It looks like a Muppet. Yeah. It looks like an animated character from the show Rises. So what are you doing now that the insane

clown posse isn't touring? What are you doing with your time? Just more acid, man. How about your life with the ladies? What's that like? You ever use that peacock for something special? I've been trying. I'm out of a long relationship.

So like I haven't been too lucky since then. But what happened to the relationship? She didn't want to marry me, apparently, and apparently once she decided that, it doesn't matter after that. So I'm like, all right. You think that was it, not the crystal meth? That probably had a small part, you know.

I don't think she knew about it. If you were to describe what your meth looks like, what does it look like? Not blue. It's more like clear. It's very interesting. Is there a reason why you're asking that, Birdman? I want to see what meth looks like.

I've never seen it before. It just looks like cocaine. There you go. It looks like broken windows. It really, it looks like shard glass. There's times where people do blow, and they're like, fuck, that's crystal meth. And then the next, not a fan of glass.

It's killed many of my friends. Hold on, Trey. You were about to say something there. What were you about to say when he said, a lot of people do crystal meth thinking it's cocaine. Go ahead. Well, I just saw a bullet on the ground, and then he said that.

And I was like, yeah, that sucks. Like, you're doing the wrong drug. You don't know. And then all of a sudden, you're all cranked up. Aw. Yeah. It's like a PSA right there. Look at that.

It was glad I didn't. Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. No, it's OK. You're doing a good job, buddy. You're fine. Now the weed's talking. The crystal meth had him say he's on crystal meth. Now he's getting paranoid.

The weed. You have all your teeth. Yeah. But they're rotting away slowly. I just paint them every morning. You do. Wow. You do that.

You do that, too. A little bit of fucking whiteout will do you, huh? You should make merch with like a yin-yang, but one side's weed and one side's meth. It just says balance on the back. Yeah. Hey, that's a good one. How you been surviving?

How do you make money? How do you pay off all these police fines? I build conveyors so that people can get their alcohol. That's right. Yeah. That's right. I remember. Did you take some time off this week?

Is that how you came out here? Yeah, basically, yeah. My dad owns the company so I can basically get away with, you know, he'll let me off when he supports this shit. Is your white trash, yeah. Your white trash father is supportive of you? Yeah. This is his only hope, too, so.

How about your white trash mother? She's Mexican. How about your Mexican trash mother? How about what does she think of you chasing your dreams? Yes. She works in the church, so she kind of doesn't like what I say, but she tries to be supportive because she wants to get involved. What does she do for the church?

Youth leader. Wow. Yeah. Does she know you do meth and marijuana? Yeah. And what did she say when she found out that you were smoking meth? That I need to talk to Jesus more. And what did you do when you talked to Jesus?

Meth. So you're doing heroin, too? No, fuck that shit. Okay, how would you do it? Who does that? Who does that? Well, tell us about it, Sam. I've never done heroin.

Really? All right, that shit scares the fuck out of me, dude. Because you don't know what you're getting. You know what's the weirdest thing about heroin, dude? Let's say someone does heroin. They OD and die. All the heroin addicts run to that drug dealer to get that heroin. Jesus.

Because they're like, oh, it's that strong. I got to try it. It's like the fuck. That's crazy, right? That's crazy. Have you done a lot of crystal meth? What's the most crystal meth you've done? And what did you do after doing it?

You know, jumping out windows and shit. How many floors up is this window you jumped out of? Probably just like two. Two floors. What happened? What'd you land on? Bushes. Wow.

Look at that. Did it hurt at all or you were on meth so it didn't? No. Crank helps with no pain. Have you ever seen crack heads on jump off roofs, dude? Yeah, all the time. Oh, you've seen it live? Yeah, on Modesto, man.

Hell yeah. This is Modesto's finest right here. I've been to Modesto. I talked about it earlier. The 7-Eleven convention was there. Can you believe that? Yeah, absolutely. We've come full circle.

This has been a full episode. We went from fucking tank to crank. Yep. All right, Trey. Anything else we need to know about you before letting you go? No, man, that's it. I appreciate you guys. Great job, dude.

You're putting it together in your own weird way. Trey Peacock. All right, David Lucas is out this week. He'll be back soon. However, it's a closed tonight's show. Ladies and gentlemen, actually, you know what? Let's do our horoscope reading. How about that?

Ladies and gentlemen, here for our monthly horoscope reading. How about a big hand for Christy Belich, everybody? Here she comes. 60 seconds from Christy. Right? You want to do 60 or you just want to do? Yep, here we go. Christy Belich, everyone.

So it's been an interesting 2020. All my life, I've looked up to Hollywood and movies on how to look and how to act. But this year, the pandemic has made Hollywood fall faster than a 12-year-old just sipping cereal out of Jeffrey Epstein's bowl. You know what I mean? Just take all the milk and all. You know what I mean? So I don't know.

But I guess we live in promo code culture. So I guess I'll share this story. I've been on and off homeless for the last two years, you know? But I've been what you call bougie homeless, right? Because bougie homeless is when you find yourself ordering Grubhub to an ExxonMobil at 2 o'clock in the morning on promo code. So you're just eating your organic orange chicken at the same place you're washing your motherfucking asshole, you know?

2020, y'all. 2020. Boom. 59 seconds of heat. Kristi Belich also getting stronger every time we see her. That was wonderful. Pacing, delivery, projection. You had it all there.

Hi, Jeremiah. Uh-oh. There's a Jeremiah fan up there. This is Daniel Thornberry and the great Bob Henry. This is Nathaniel Thornberry. Well, thank you very much. And that's Bob Henry back there. Thank you, guys, for what you do.

You're fantastic. Really good. Great stuff. Sam, got any notes for her? No, I loved all of it. I thought it was fucking funny. I thought that was original fuck. I hope it's real because it sounds like a funny real story that only somebody in that

moment would fucking come up with. Like, dude, that's fucking using promo codes on Grubhub sending it to AMP. Dude, that's real. I've never heard that before and it's really fucking funny. So let's do it. It's the second week of December right now, right here. Let's talk about it. Let's get our horoscopes and your predictions for our futures.

Christy Belich, the resident psychic here on Kiltoni, the first ever Gypsy Queen, Soothsayer, Witch, the Kiltoni official witch. I guess so. I guess so. Do you guys want fortune cards or do you want astrology? I guess what? Maybe fortune. Fortune cards?

Yeah. I got my question. How are you homeless? When you're a psychic because the only thing that doesn't close down in LA are psychic readings. I've seen Chipotle shut down Starbucks, but a fucking this mansion on the middle of Hollywood is on it's just some fucking Gypsy just sitting there with in a fucking Moo Moo and it never shuts down. How are you homeless?

Because I'm a road comic. Oh, respect. I'm a road comic and you can't the only way out is through bro. You can't you can't write a you got to go through it to be you got you can't skip steps as a comic. Man, I really like you. You know, and her past material is right up your alley. Like every time she heard like everything she talks about you would love her stuff.

You're really good, man. I will help you. It's fortune time. Red Band's hoping that you're going to give us all cookies that we can open up. But it appears that these are different fortunes. I'm going to start with Sam. When's your birthday, Sam? October 28th.

So you're Scorpio. Hell yeah. The evolutionary revolutionary. Okay, I'm going to pick one card from the top because you're definitely a top. Thank you. I see where this is going already. He's got strong top vibes. Tell me when to stop, Shufflin.

All right. Stop. Okay. I'm going to put it from the top. So I have the eight. I don't know where the eight of wands are eight of stays, which is the eight of fire. And so what's going on in the month of December for you? So eight of fire is all about your voice.

And we're in the season of Sagittarius, which is all about using your passion and using your fire. Because you are a water sign, which is Scorpio, your job is to take the death layers and transform them and rebirth them. So your job with your voice is to rebirth a generation. I'm saving hoes. I'm banging hoes and saving souls. That's what I'm doing. And by the way, you've clearly done that with your, with your tutelage of great young comics.

Thank you. You have helped another generation. Look at that. Okay. I'll do Tony last because, because you're a Gemini. I'll save you for last. Thank you. Let's do red band.

Red band. Tell me when to stop, Shufflin. I'll pick from the top because you're learning how to be a strong top. Stop. Here we go. You're the king of stops. We've got fire and fire. You got the eight of stops.

You've got the king, bro. He's a Leo. You got a roar, bitch. That's every time I'm on here. It's like you got to find your inner roar. You got, but what does a Leo's job? What's a Leo's job, Brian? To be the leader.

To be the leader, a loyal leader and step back from your ego and use your heart. Aww. I wish you would step back from that ego. You know me with my ego. He does. Lego, your ego. Okay. See, are we doing band memories?

Let's do the band. Let's knock them out real quick. That's actually Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Don't tell anybody, but just for this part. These are tarot cards, aren't they? We'll talk to Joel. Are these tarot cards? This is time for Joel's reading.

Yeah. Hi, Joel. Hi. Tell me when to stop. You don't want to fuck with that. Tell me when to stop. I'm going to pick a bottom card. You got Joel that stopped her?

You got the Queen of Swords. Oh, because he's a bitch. Which is to hone Monday the 30th. Put that down on your calendar because that is going to be an upcoming eclipse in the sign of Gemini. And what it's going to do is help you get clarity. Key word is clarity. Wow, look how close to home this hits with our recent developments, Joel. A Gemini is going to help you get clarity.

Oh, now we got it. A Gemini. We had a talk before the show. What are the odds of that? Do Jeremiah, because he's Christian. He won't refuse to do it. No, you're going to do it. I refuse to let him refuse.

I only do tarot cards. If he doesn't, it's a tarot card. It's okay. Do me. Do me. He's a very weird Christian. He still believes in Jesus. I appreciate you.

Just do me. Do me. It's crazy to believe in something. He makes love eye face to face. That's how Christian is face to face. Do me. Take it from the bottom because I'm clearly a bottom. I'm going to steal your joke from you because it's okay.

I'm going to pick from the top. Okay. There you go. You know what? I'm not going to be an asshole to you. Thank you. You're only not doing it because I did it already. You planned on me not doing that joke, but I did it.

Tell me. Tell me when you feel like Tony's going here. The eight of pentacles. Oh, wow. Oh, so the eight of pentacles is the apprentice which is so interesting because you're Donald Trump fanatic. They don't think I'm a fanatic, but go ahead. So the eight of pentacles.

Is that all on the card? I don't think it's a fanatic. It's right at the top because he's at the top, right? So the eight of pentacles is about crafting your work day by day by day and not forgetting those who help you out and who support you as well. Wow. There you go.

Thank you. All right. Sort of a boring card, but I'll take it. You were great. I guess so. All right. Any questions for me? Christy, that was incredible.

That's awesome. I think you did a great job. Thank you, guys. Christy Belich, everybody, with our monthly horoscope reading. There's only one thing left to do with David Lucas out and Michael Laird kicked off the show. So I guess we have to just go to the big closer. Our own John Rocker, if you will,

a guy that throws nothing but fucking fastballs. Let's see what happens this week as I bring up the one, the only big red machine himself, the great William Montgomery. Here he comes. He's approaching the microphone. He's got it. I'm dizzy as shit. Barking up the wrong tree sounds like what a homeless guy did

outside my apartment this morning. I feel like schizophrenic homeless dudes are actually ghost whispers. They just aren't using their inside voice. Imagine you're in this fantasy world where you're the king pimp and all the hose bow down and are bringing you vanilla wafers and preparing a bath made of wine and then a homeless shelter volunteer interrupts to say, Melvin, this is your bunk.

I wish they'd have to rename Sesame Street because it got gentrified and the unemployed puppets had to move. Shout out to Sesame Street for being both educational and also apparently an ice skating troop coming to a city near you. Why did Hunter Biden knock up a stripper? He ran out of dead brothers widows to bang. Very good. Look at that.

I love it. Great job. Couple jokes in there where you made a face afterwards. Yeah, I'm dizzy as shit. Oh, look at that turn. That's very interesting. I am really dizzy. Why are you dizzy?

I don't know. I was taking pills earlier. Mitch Burrow gave me some pills. What kind of pills did he give you? I don't know. He said they were Tylenol. I told him I had a really bad headache and I don't know. I saw I met his wife.

Oh, the great Lee. Lee's here. Mitch is here, everybody. Mitch just walked in. What are the odds of this? Mitch is having a baby. Hey, Mitch, I just got to tell you it's not your kid. If that thing comes out with a red beard, you should be scared.

Or if it comes out with a tail, I actually have a tail. You do? Yeah, it's right above my butthole. Oh my god. That's like in your butt crack? Yeah, it's like a brown tail. Why is it brown? It's like a foot long.

I have to tuck it in my underpants. Can you wiggle it? Yeah, I can fucking wiggle it. It's my tail. Were you born with it? Can I wiggle it? Yeah, I can wiggle it. It's my fucking tail, Tony.

Do your parents have tails? Yeah, my parents know about it. Do your parents have tails? Yeah, my parents know about it. Let's call them right now and ask them if they know about it. Can we call them? Should we? Yeah, we should.

Let's how many of you think we should call Williams parents? Of course. Put them on speakerphone. Put the butt end of the uh... I gotta get my phone. Oh, you don't... I thought... Oh, I forgot.

Yeah, it's on the bridge. Oh, look at that. Oh, look, it's Mitch Burrow, everybody. Famously the last guest from the last episode of Kill Tony. That goes Mitch. Let me look up Papa's cell. Uh-oh. Papa's cell is the tail of two parents.

Tail of two tails. Uh-oh. Put that up to... Put it on speakerphone and put it up to the butt end of that phone. Let's wake up your parents out in Memphis, Tennessee. Here we go. We're about to talk to the Montgomery's. This is very exciting.

Here we go. Zach, zoom in on William here on the YouTube. Don't zoom in, you bitch. Hello? Hey Papa, I was telling him about my tail. What the hell are you talking about? The tail right above my butthole. Oh yeah, that tail.

Hello, Mr. Montgomery. It's Tony Hinchcliffe here with Kill Tony. Hey Tony, how are you? I'm great. It's another beautiful day. William's telling us that he has a tail on his backside, an actual tail that he believes that he can wiggle and shake. He says he's had it his whole life.

Have you ever seen this tail before? I have not, but I'd like to because it would finally be a talent that we could find. Your dad doesn't think you're talented. How's life been out there in a beautiful Memphis, Tennessee? We have a lot of great crime going on. We hear gunshots every night. I gave William a really good gag,

but he doesn't ever use my gags. Okay, will you do it for us? You do the gag. Okay, here it is. And this is true. Yesterday I read in the paper that five NBA players were meeting with the Pope about world poverty. And I thought to myself, how ironic is that?

The Pope is a guy who lives in a gold castle behind a big wall and the NBA players make $10 million a year. So can you imagine that conversation? The Pope says, man, it must suck to be poor. And the NBA players say, no shit. That's my joke. That's why William didn't tell it because it's, I guess, not very... I love you too.

That was great. No, it's good. You got bigger laughs than William got tonight. Without a doubt, that's a great... That's a low bar, but I appreciate it. Mr. Montgomery, it's always a pleasure talking to you. Next time you see William, ask him to show his tail. Yeah, I will.

Great talking to you all. Y'all all take care of yourself. And I saw Jeremiah is going to have a boy that is so wonderful. Congrats. Congrats, dude. Yes, he is. You'll keep doing great. You know, sir, your son is one of the top gay comedians in Los Angeles.

That's what he tells me. I remember coming home one night, sort of drunk at three in the morning, and I am fixing a cup of water, and you and mama come down, and out of nowhere, you're like, William, are you gay? Do you remember that? Yeah, and it didn't surprise me a bit when you said you were. Ah, tell Mrs. Montgomery we all said hello, Mr. Montgomery. It was so great to talk to you.

Have a great night. She's right here. You want to say hi to her? Yeah, she ran off. Okay, y'all take care. There you go. That's the Montgomery's, everybody. How cool is that?

Always a hit on this show, the Montgomery's. You have such cool parents, William. What the fuck happened to you? I started losing in battleship to my cousin Taylor, and I couldn't deal with it, and then I found out I couldn't read, and then I couldn't go to the beach, and then I forgot to bring towels at the beach, and I was out in the surf.

What are you looking at, Red Band? I just listened to that fucking face. I'm telling a funny story, and you're blankly looking at me. What the fuck is going on? Your dad didn't know that you had a tail, and you said you lied to us. I have a fucking tail, Red Band. How many of you think William should show us his tail right now?

It's a close tonight's episode. This is it. Here it is. He's reaching for the belt. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. I'm going to meet you. A lot of people said this would never happen. It's a brown tail.

Oh, he's doing the shoulder shake. We've seen this before. Uh-oh, here we go. Here it comes. Uh-oh, the shorts are coming down. Here we go. Okay, here it is. He's pulling it down.

No, he's not going to do it. I can't. Wow. Tony, I actually don't have a tail. Oh, wow. You lied to us about that. Wow, I knew I was right. I have to be truthful with y'all.

I actually don't have a tail. Wow, we believe you. We believe you, William. I got a black eye the other day. Yeah, how'd you get a black eye? Somebody punched me. Yeah, for what? Got in a big fight.

About what? Groceries. What about the groceries? Just buying produce and I met the grocery store and this guy named Frank comes up and he's like, hey, those are my groceries. And I look at him like, Frank, this is a grocery store. All right.

There goes William Montgomery, everybody. The great William Montgomery. We love him. Follow him on social media. Same with Michael Laird, MichaelLairdComedy.com. Here comes the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Look at this one. It's a special bird one.

There's a big bird there and the entire cast and crew and Sam Tripoli. Am I? Am I? Absolutely. You're right in the mix right there. Look at that. You look like a badass in this one too.

I do. I look samurai-ish. Every single print is available at RyanJEBelt.com. Go check out all the tour posters. It's incredible. He's an incredible artist. RyanJEBelt.com. How about a big hand for tonight's guest?

The great Sam Tripoli, everybody. Come on. Even while crowd, this show is great. We love you so much, Sam. It's a great show. Plug your stuff. Tell everybody where they can find you. You are dialed in.

This guy's absolutely killing it. We were talking about it before the show, thriving through this pandemic. I'm going to be in St. Louis the first weekend. I'll be at Heliums with a couple buddies. That's going pretty well. The road's doing well. Check out my podcast, Tinfoil Hat.

If you like conspiracies and what I call truth, the real shit. And then I have a sports podcast called Broken... I have a sports podcast called Punch Junk Sports and I have a whole bunch of other podcasts. Sam Tripoli. Guys, the leader of the band tonight

was not actually Nathaniel Thornberry. Spoiler alert, it was Jeremiah Watkins. Wow. Fresh off the release of his new brand new special. Of course, I'm talking about family reunion available everywhere, including JeremiahWatkins.com. What else, Jeremiah? Yes, Amazon Prime, VOD, many places.

At JeremiahStandup on social media. And we've got a great podcast called Jeremiah Wonders, different characters, different great interviews. You can check it out at youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. Great show. Boom, Jeremiah Watkins. And Bob Henry on the drums, I do believe.

If my eyes don't deceive me, that's actually Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. Big dick, Joel. Joel, tell us about it. Nothing. Shout out to Ludwig and Mostly Sorry podcast. That's it. Red Band.

Guys, thanks a lot for watching Kill Tony here at the Comedy Store. Thank you very much. Indeed. Thank you to the Comedy Store and to the great Shore family and everybody who takes part in it. Richie the manager, Curtis, Jen, all the incredible people here that help it all happen.

Guys, we'll see you next week for another episode of Kill Tony.