KILL TONY - #486 - STEPHEN KRAMER GKICKMAN

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

Stephen Kramer Glickman, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 12/21/2020

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.tv. Tony has his own website, go to TonyHinchCliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchCliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe is ShopSquad.tv.

There you got some DeathSquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for one more time. Here's TonyHinchCliff. Yo, here we are again back home at the world famous comedy store. So excited Christmas coming up, Red Band. What's happening? Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. That's what they say. Happy Christmas to you. Happy Christmas to you. Here we are again. So excited to be here at the world famous comedy store. This is such an incredible, incredible place. Yes. So let's just jump right

into it. I'm so happy to be here, guys. And you know who else is happy to be here? The great Ryan J. E. Belt, everyone. Look at this fucking stud. There it is. Wow. He leaned deep into that wave and smile this time. He's already started drawing tonight's episode. He draws every episode including tonight's and they're all available at RyanJEbelt.com. Big famous cool tour posters from the past and any one of your favorite episodes featuring all of your favorite comedians. RyanJEbelt.com to get those prints. You know who else is here, Red Band? You know who else? Charlie from Vito's Pizza is here, keeping us fed, having fun, kicking butt. Gino from SpeedWeed, Better Box Studios is here. It's a star studded fucking, just like the old days. Remember the old days when we used to

have fucking Nate Diaz and Gary Clark Jr. and fucking Obama's daughter and all these people who are here to see Kill Tony. Anyway, we're having fun though. We're plowing through it. Nothing depressing about having nine people in a room built for 603. It's perfect. The acoustics, you know? It's about the acoustics is what they say, the fucking acoustics. But I'm excited to be here and we're going to have a lot of fun. But before tonight's episode gets fully fucking going, here's a little word from our amazing sponsors that made this episode available for you. Support for Kill Tony is brought to you by Manscaped, who is the best in men's below the belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for your family jewels. They

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This guy, a comedy store employee when I got here, when I started. Next thing you know, he's Shrek on Broadway. He has his own show on Nickelodeon, Big Time Rush, one of the stars of it. And he's just an overall great comedian, great guy, one of our good friends. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great Steven Glickman. Wow. Very exciting. Here he is. This is one big boy, the great Steven Glickman. Yes, likable, lovable, the host of the Night Time Show podcast, one of the incredible voices of one of my favorite animated movies I've ever watched, The Monster Hunter. It hasn't come out yet. God bless you. You mean Storks. You mean Storks. That's what I'm saying about Storks. Storks. I get them all confused.

I get them all confused. All the children movies get you confused. How's it going, Steven? Oh, I'm fine. I'm happy to be here. This is nice. You've been a guest on the show numerous times, so I won't bore you with any of the particulars, but you do remember there's a band here, right? I do, and I love a band. Every single week they commit to being different characters. Sometimes it's the return of some of their famous characters. We never know what they're going to be. We're all going to find out what they are together right now as I present to you the best band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, and Chroma Chris, maybe? Nope, no Chroma Chris. Uh-oh.

Jeremiah Joel and Jet Ski, the big three J's. A lot of J's. Whoa, we've seen these guys before. If there was a crowd here, they would be going crazy because they are the Cat Burglars tonight. Whoa, look at that one over there, sneaky little devil. Oh my goodness. Oh, she's actually part cat it seems. Wow, she's more cat than burglar. That's an interesting twist. My goodness gracious. Jeremiah really banking on you using that camera one angle. It's too dark to even see me. Oh, he's going everywhere. Look at this. Uh-oh. What does that look like? Whoa, that's a good one. Wow, you nailed it on that one. Very good. Jeremiah Watkins, Cat Burglar. They have arrived. Some of the most famous Kill Tony characters in the history. I believe they were even in the

famous band calendar. Right? What month were you? December. I'm sorry. It slips my memory, Tony. Cat burglar. Wow, welcome back, Cat Burglar. Famously a Cat Burglar, an old timey burglar that would sneak into places and hope to get away. Thanks to the- Steel jewels, diamonds, and women's dots. Oh my God. I've been taking the underwear, dude. Is it supposed to be the heart? And then is your name Cat Burglar too? Back there, I always forget. You guys are just Cat Burglars? This is one of the- All right. And I know for a fact, it's the first time we've seen this young lady be a Cat Burglar. I do believe. It seems like she is more cat than actual burglar. You have actual qualities of a cat. Yeah, that's right. Add something in my throat. It's great to be here.

That's another- And your name's just Cat Burglar as well? Tony, we keep getting caught because of her. She keeps leaving strands of hair everywhere. That is one, and that is two, and I am Cat Burglar. I swear to God, I just wrote down Cat Burglar three times. It's part of my system. We are very different people, Tony. Oh, oh, wow. Look at that. It's so exciting. We have the Cat Burglars and the Hamburglars are here. God damn it. We have Glickman, Red Band, and the Cat Burglars. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? All right. That sounds good enough. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to start tonight's episode with a goddamn legend, one of my favorite human beings in the world, one of

my favorite comedians, New York, Chicago, LA Zone, the great Michael Lehrer, everybody. Now, before I was a comedian, or a magician, or a rapper, or a karaoke, I was a musical theater, summer suck, thespian. And as 2020 comes to an end, I want to go back to my roots and play a little game for fun to shorn off the shorn a silly note. Brian, listen, there are names of 50 musicals in this bag. At random, Tony will pull out the musical and I have to sing a song from that musical. When you think I've done enough picking the one, if I don't know it, I'll pass. Do you have a Tony award, Glickman? Glickman, do you have a Tony award? No, I do not. But you play Shrek on Broadway?

Well, yes. It's a long story. It's a terrible show. I'm sorry. It does not deserve a Tony award. That is sort of a tough question to open up with somebody. There's other ways you could have asked that. Do you have a Tony award? I feel like a lot of the people you asked that to, they're going to say no. No, but Bryce Darning Campbell, whatever the fucking name is. I see what you're doing. If you pass, you're going to give it to Glickman. Yeah. Oh, you know your musicals, don't you? I do. Whoa. How exciting. All right. You didn't even know Glickman was going to be the guest and you had a musical thing. The universe makes so this shit happen. Wow. You're a special guy, Michael. Yeah, he really is. He's pretty special.

Thank you, Glickman. Wait, wait a second. Those are my Altoids. What are you doing with those? Oh, come on. I love my Altoids. Oh, Catburgler. Ruin forever. I'm excited about this. You guys ready to play some musical theater fucking super challenge with Michael Lair? This is exciting. Christmas writer on the corner. Here we go. All right. You want me to pull a name out? All right. Here we go. Here we go. All right. The whiz. Um. All right, hair, the sunshine, the sunshine, the sunshine, the, the, the saddest version of such a happy song.

How about company? Um, the lady is too much, the lady is too much, make me, can you do better? That was great. Yeah, that's impressive. He's passing it off to you. You know the words? I don't know the words to that song, but I company. I mean, I know this.

I know the music. I bet he knows something about this. Oh, Jersey boys, you know Jersey boys. I know you know Jersey Mike's. Hey, come on. Hey, come on. Jersey boys pass. Pass.

Oh, pass to you. Uh-oh. God damn it. Somebody. All right, man. That was great. Wow. It sounded just like him.

That was great. One of my favorite moments in the history of the show. That was great. You know anything from Jersey boys? I think, I think it's that if you're going to do it, you better commit. Won't you come out tonight? Come, come, come out tonight. Man.

Jeremiah has been waiting to sing this for years. Won't you come out tonight? Oh God. Nice job. Oh, pretty. I don't know. All right. We're moving on.

Porgy and the bees, Michael. They're Porgy and the bees. Porgy and bees. Oh, Porgy and Bess. That's Porgy and Bess. I'm sorry. Porgy and Bess. Oh, for Christ's sake.

I don't know what the fuck that is. You uneducated. Pass. Porgy and Bess. Okay. He knows Porgy and Bess. Porgy and Bess is a old man river. That old man river.

That's Porgy and Bess. Tony award. You want to me. I want to you. All right. I want to buy by birdie. I'm the worst man right now in my hair. I'm the worst man.

South Pacific. You son of a bitch. Fuck you. Glickman doesn't know buy by birdie, but he does know I'm hungry. How about a Vita? Don't cry for me. Argentina. Crazy.

I should have ever been to my word. This is what it's come to. Argentina. Argentina. How about my fair lady? I'm. Every two K- and E-L-P is here. Every one who should be here is here.

What a dashing. Specter, code the SH- God opening day. God damn. Michael has the incredible talent of making every song sound like the same song. How about Cabaret? Oh, life is like Cabaret opening day. How about Tommy? Tommy.

The more wizard there has to be. Phantom of the Opera. Oh, nighttime shopping. I can see the sun. Oh my god, this is so amazing. Suddenly the sun sets. Jesus Christ, superstar. Oh, oh, oh.

What was this during the crucifixion? You think you're a big shot, Mr. King? Joseph Dreamcoat. I hear the street drums sing this song. They say he made you know you got him wrong. I hear the voice of the yellow bird singing in the air. This is quite absurd. Oh no, not me.

Okay, rent. Nailed it. Let's open up a restaurant. Come and knock on my door. Jesus. Oh my god spell. We're just going to go through all these. How many do you think we should go through all these?

Okay, nobody wants to. Nobody. You're right. What's that Jesus song from God's power? Praise me. Praise the holy, holy, holy Jesus. How about music, man? If you know any of these, you should just jump right in.

Yeah. Music, man. It's easy. Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana. My home sweet home. Wizard of Oz. If only I had a brain. I would walk away the hours coming in with the power.

That's a memory. In the morning. Lame is master of the house keeper. He's got him, man. He's got him over. The shaker in the south Pacific. There you go. Company.

Where did the company lady use to lose? Smoky Joe's Cafe. I have nothing. Grease. Every song starts with that one. Um, no. ?" People are on the roof, people are on the roof.

Wait, that's not a song. Where is Chris? People are on the roof. West Side Story. Chorus Line. Guys and Dolls. I've got a horse right here, his name is Paul Revere. He's near to you, near to you.

It's a hard night for us. Miss Saigon. Tonight there will be Miss Saigon. Tonight there will be your kind goodbye. Absolutely incredible, that's everything. Michael Laird just went through everything. The whole bag. He's going to sleep like a baby tonight.

I'm telling you, I guarantee you there's one Kill Tony fan that is just such a weird crossover. He's a Kill Tony fan and a musical theater fan and he has been waiting for a segment like this. He fingered his ass the whole time during that thing. And check out my Patreon for the prostate level. Wow, look at that, I didn't know that was a thing. Is that true?

How do you know so much about musical theater? I have two theater degrees. Wow. Before I did any of this shit, I did all that shit. Wow. Yeah, I'm all this fuck. I mean, I do remember the time that you beat Jeremiah in an acting competition, that was incredible.

I remember that. We all remember that very clearly. I remember that. But that was so fun. What a beautiful coincidence. And that really went better than I thought. And what a fun way to win this show. You're goddamn right.

You're the best. May I say one thing? Of course. I'm wearing my own merch. Oh. Guess where I bought it? The Hollywood Goodwill. No way.

Yeah. I swear to God. You were at a Goodwill and you found your merch? Another comic din and I rushed over there and I bought it. And whoever bought this and whatever I did to you, I am not sorry. But I have sales records for every fucking thing I sold. So I will find you.

Wow. And thank you for buying a $40 shirt. Yeah, Michael. I'm sorry to interrupt you. When did those go on sale? Only me. When did you start selling those hoodies? I thought you made discounts in.

Yeah. That's the point. Less than a year ago. What size is that one? It's like a small. Medium. Medium? Yeah.

Medium. But someone was a fan of me. And then I alienated them in the last nine months. And they threw me in the trash. I like how he just slowly turned into John Malkovich right there. I mean, that's just so wild. I don't understand how that happens. I guess they could have gotten the wrong size, maybe,

but it seems it almost seems like someone got it as a gift for someone and like misheard what the person said. Tony, you know. Like I'm a big Michael Bayer fan or something like that. Is there a Michael Bayer? No. Well, after George Floyd was murdered, I spoke him and I pissed off a lot of people and a lot of people burned my merch up.

Wow. Somebody just, it was a big no doubt fan and they thought it was from the band No Doubt. And they're like, what the fuck? That's not Gwyn. Yeah. That's not just a girl. The comic found it at Goodwill and made you go over there to buy it. They couldn't just buy it from the Goodwill and give it to you.

Fuck. Who's this idiot? Well, that's your first time. I've seen him telling me. Quick, man. It's your first time seeing the great Michael Bayer experience. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. Yeah, I have seen you on Nickelodeon.

I know we've run into each other before somewhere. Yeah. It's probably a restaurant. It's probably a musical theater. Well, Michael, so much fun. What a great way to get the show started. Thank you so much. How about a big hand for the great Michael Bayer, everybody?

Great job. Great job. All right. Your first comedian performing tonight goes by the name of Kylie Vincent. Here we go. Wow. What a lovely song. Here's Kylie Vincent.

Time for Kylie Vincent. You guys can clap people that are in the room with you. When my boyfriend and I fight, we usually have makeup sex. And then after makeup sex, we have makeup sex because I choke them too hard. Abortion's a big topic. Stevie Nicks even weighed in on the argument. She's like, hey, without my abortion, you guys wouldn't have had Fleetwood Mac, which I think is a bad argument for other women because it's like, okay,

without an abortion, I wouldn't be performing in parking lots. I've actually never had an abortion. I'm just waiting for the right baby. I was reading about Bill Cosby, and it seems a form of his sexual harassment. We're having women read him bedtime stories and feed him meals. And I was like, God, that's awful. Just rape me instead, you know? I want to read you Good Night Moon.

You can just fist me. Jesus. All right, thanks. There it is. 55 seconds from Kylie Vincent. I'm over here sitting at the desk drowning in little cards with musical theater titles on them. Just covered over here. Kylie Vincent, you've been on the show before, correct?

I was kicked out last time. Oh, you were under 21. Yeah, I was 20 at the time. Wow. That's right. I'm back, baby. That's right. Now you're 21.

When was your birthday? November 3rd. Congratulations. Perfect timing before. And remind us what we found out about you last time you were on the show. I have an autoimmune disease. What's the autoimmune disease? It's called sacred ileitis.

And what does that mean again? It's just in my back. It's eroding. What? Oh, yeah. Her back is pretty much deteriorating. Yeah, you remember. Do you have to wear a back brace?

No. I don't actually know what's going to happen. But I had to be on injections. Have you guys ever seen commercials for Humera? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I was on that. It's made out of rat shit. Really?

Cat shit or rat shit? Man. Rat shit. Rat shit. Oh. Rat shit. So close. It's bat shit that they would make medicine with rat shit.

How long were you on it for? I was on it for a year and a half. You're only supposed to be on it for like two years. And I guess they don't really know much about autoimmune disease. They're like, you could go on a mission. I have no idea what's happening. Right. Have you talked about that in your?

Yeah, I have a bit about it. What are you doing now? I'm a nanny. That's my day job. Man, that is back breaking work. Okie dokie. How old is the kid that you're nannying for? Six.

Just one kid? Just one. One six year old? Yeah, she's perfect. Really? Yeah, it's a good day. They just took me to Hawaii. Wow.

That's awesome. I know. I feel like a dick complaining about a day job. Have you ever been to Catalina Island? Oh my goodness. That is a cat burglar reference. Catalina Island. I actually have, though.

Have you ever been to the Catskills? I have not. Oh, ok. Well. Hey, one question. So, you mentioned choking your boyfriend as part of a joke. Right? And so, do you really do that?

Yeah. Do you really get fisted? No. Jesus, did she even say that? That's all I've been thinking about the whole time. I know a girl that gets fisted. Really? How do you know?

She told me one night she was drunk. That's her whole thing? It was like her whole thing. Were you fucking her at the time? No, no. Her whole thing gets fisted. It's literally her favorite thing. Hold on a second.

She pulls it out with different guys. Hold on a second. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. So, where were you when she told you about this? We were sitting at my kitchen table drinking. Just the two of you? Just the two of us. Just the two of you and your two big fists.

With my two big fists. Hold on a second. So, you're at night time. Your table. You're not hooking up with this chick. No. You're drinking with her. She was my dog sitter.

Oh, I bet she was. She sat on your dog. It went up her ass. And then she just starts. But she said it very nonchalantly, similar to the choking thing where they just, because I've been, you know, I've been in a relationship for nine years.

I'm single now. Right, and then you're talking about the fist thing. And then I hear someone go, oh yeah, no big deal. I get fisted sometimes. And then I heard someone else go, oh yeah, I love getting choked when I'm getting fucked. I was like, those are both things I never heard about

ten years ago. Glickman looks like that. But they're very normal now. I used to say the same thing, girl who loved to be fisted, I dated, and she had to teach me how to do the spiral hand thing. You can't just put your fist in.

You have to go like this, and then get in. What is that? Oh my God. It's a cone shape? What kind of monster? It's a cone shape? What kind of monsters have you been with, Brian?

It's a cone shape. Yeah, you have to twist, and then jazz hand. Twist it? Can't you just put a boxing glove on your dick? I think it's always been normal. People just haven't been talking about it. Yeah, sure, sure.

And there was always like a waterline on your arm where you could see how far you got in. Oh wow, really? Yeah. Okay. Red Band already knew how to fist, because it's just like reaching into a vending machine. The old...

The old last Pringle in the can. All right. Sorry, I'm learning so much. So you didn't end up hooking up, but don't you think she was hinting to you to try something? It was a pass. It was a pass.

You guys are drinking at your kitchen table. The girls just like, man, I love to be fisted, which means I love everything else in the world. Just waiting for you to make a move. Could you grab me a Sierra Fist out of the fridge? I mean, Sierra Mist. A Sierra Fist.

Put that, mark that off on your kill Tony Bingo. Oh wow. The kill Tony Band killed it. 2021. Below the dust off the Sierra Fist portion of your Bingo card. I've been slimed. Wow.

Kylie, you're one of those guests that is so good at us all being able to just have fun with each other while you're up here, you know? Yeah. You really bring it around. You spread the energy. I know. I'm like, I wrote that for you guys.

What's a crazy fun fact about you that we haven't found out yet that people would find interesting about the life of Kylie Vincent? Oh, I have a disabled dog. She's in a wheelchair. Your dog is in a wheelchair? Well, they say dogs are like their owners.

You're back. You're bad back. You guys are both going to be... I know, I get it. You made it better to explain the sadness. How many times a day do you take your dog on a roll? Sometimes I bring her to work with me. How's her...

You bring her to work with you? Yeah, the kid just told me the other day. She's like, I'm so jealous. I think you love her more than you love me. And I was like, this wheelchair dog, yeah. Wow. How's her musical theater knowledge? Praise her.

We could do a whole show here. Why is your dog in a wheelchair? She's a rescue from Mexico. She was hit by a car when she was a puppy. What was she trying to do, illegally cross the border? Yeah, I think so. But actually the second day I had her, she got hit by another car.

What? Yeah. Her dog's stupid. Yeah. I trusted her. She's a rapper in the dog world. Why do I feel like this dog sounds like Steve-o? All right.

Jump in front of a car. Anyway. Hi, I'm her dog and I'm going to jump in front of a car. Wow. Whoa, I'm in a wheelchair. It's gnarly. That's exactly. I didn't even know you could do a Steve-o.

Oh, yeah. I thought you were setting him up. I was. I'm kidding. Have you ever cracked your back? Can you do that? Are you scared to do that? I don't know.

I've never gone to a chiropractor. I'm just... Try to crack it. No, don't do that right now. Oh, no. That's what Steve-o does when he gets older. He just goes to his doctor's appointment and stuff like that. Hi, I'm Steve-o and I got to get some insulin

because I have diabetes. So, Kylie, do you ever let your... Has your dog ever been in position since then to get hit by a car? Does it ever run out? What type of options does it have in a wheelchair? Does it poop and pee in the chair? No, it's from a company that designs it.

It's like the only one in the United States. But everything else works. Like, she can go to the bathroom and find... Your dog's definitely not auto-immune. Because it's been hit by cars. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

No getting immune to the autos, indeed. My goodness. What's the dog's name? Bam! Her name's Bonnie. Frogger. What kind of dog is... Frogger.

What kind of dog is Bonnie? Dugger. Oh my God, there's so many noises right now. She's a Jack Russell Terrier mix. They don't know. So that was an episode of Jack Russell Mix. Mixed with an asphalt. Oh my God, she's 80% front end.

This is so great. This is the first time in over seven years that we've had a person talk about their dog in a wheelchair. These are fresh jokes. I mean, yeah, people think that on the streets that I'm probably the only person with a disabled dog. They say really weird things like, you know, I just won't be... Michael Laird just said, hold my beer.

Yeah. I just like won't be making eye contact with them and they'll just be like, oh, what happened? I'm so sorry. And I just have to like go into the whole story. Do you ever say he was a bad boy? Yeah, like I beat her. He has Downs on his luck syndrome.

Oh my God. She's part Greyhound. I mean, she was hit by a Greyhound. Oh, wait. It was incredible. I heard a dog there. Wow. So how does it go to the bathroom?

It's everything's normal. Was it sitting in the chair? Is it like... No, it's like... The way I picture this dog in a wheelchair is very depressing. Don't imagine it sitting on its butt and it wheeling itself around. R, R, R, R, R.

No, it's not like a person wheelchair. It's like a... It's like a scooter. It's like helps them. And does it sleep in the wheelchair as well? No, she kind of like squirms. I bet she does. She can get on, yeah.

This poor thing wishes it was put down years ago. No, dude, she's so happy. Really? You never see her with suicidal tendencies? Like she's never done anything like say run in front of a car? Twice. This dog wanted to kill itself before it was confined to a wheelchair.

Poor suicidal dog. Its favorite chew toy is a gun in the mouth. All right, Kylie. So much fun. Thank you so much. There goes Kylie Vincent, everyone. On to the next one. That was so good.

Oh, my God. Dog in a wheelchair. Can we get more people with dogs in wheelchairs? All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Kate Kennedy. Everyone, here comes Kate Kennedy. Do you believe this is her debut here on Kilt Sunny? Kate Kennedy.

Oh, this is embarrassing. My dog also is disabled and is too stupid to learn how to use the wheelchair. I don't know if you've ever tried to teach a dog how to use a wheelchair, but there's a learning curve. I used to do hardcore pornography. It wasn't degrading enough for me,

so I gotten to stand up instead. I have lied to every single therapist I've ever had to make them like me more, which some people have pointed out is maybe not the best way to achieve your goals in therapy, but not if your goal is to win. I'm just tired. I'm just tired of pretending like it would have been

absolutely fine on Jeffrey Epstein's Island. I've done so much worse for so much less, and I didn't even get to go to the beach. I had to go to Canton, Ohio. And I know that people get really bent about human trafficking, but let me just say it's not that bad. I get that it's a crime,

but nobody ships kids in wardrobe boxes. They do make you fly economy on spear airlines, so it kind of sucks still, but it's not that bad. Do you guys think Salman Rushdiew is mad that he had to write the entire Satanic verses in order to get a fought war declared against him when all Mia Khalifa had to do was suck dick and a hijab?

I would be mad about that. Kate Kennedy, everybody. Welcome to the show, Kate. Kate Kennedy! There you go. Kate, how long have you been on stand-up comedy? It's your first time on the show, right? It is my first time on the show.

It'll be two years in April, I think. There you go. Two years. All of it here in LA. All of it here in LA? This is the first place I ever did stand-up, right here. And a former hardcore porn star. Former, I know. I just got nominated for my last award for the year.

What was it? Best gang bang. Wow. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. Thank you. How many people were in the gang bang? Only three, which I didn't think qualifies as a full gang bang.

I'd always been told it was five. There were three guys in you. Yeah. That's like a Wednesday. They were cholos, though. They were Catholic priests, and I was a schoolgirl. Did you say Catholic priests? Catholic priests, yes.

I said that our father in Latin while they came on my face. Really? Dude, who else could do that? I deserved the award. Wow. And it sounds like you're about to get a Tony award. Hey. Wow.

Is that true, or are you just being funny? No, that's absolutely true. They were priests, and you were a Catholic schoolgirl. Yeah. And that got nominated for an award? They didn't nominate patria, filios, fiesta, salsa. Holy shit. That's actually the plot of that.

What's happening? What was that look at Jeremiah? Oh, I just looking at Jeremiah get hard. What are you talking about? You are disgusting. Jeremiah loves Catholicism. Yeah. Wow.

So what are some... Not Catholic. Catholicism, yes. I mean, if that's the scene that you're getting nominated for an award for, I have to ask, what is your most silly, or embarrassing, or weird, or fun thing that you... Parity? Did you do good parody?

I do. I got nominated for Best Parity last year. What was that one? It was the Archie comics. It was Betty and Veronica. I was Veronica. No, I was Betty. Now you're about to earn a red band award.

Okay. Also, what does your acceptance speech sound like? I don't have to go this year because it's canceled. It's the only award ceremony where they don't thank their mom and their dad. I don't want to thank my mom and dad. And God is not mentioned anywhere. Right. What are those award ceremonies like?

It's literally the world's biggest circle jerk. Quite literally. Have you ever watched a girl cry in the hallway because she didn't win Best Analsign? Yeah. It's a trophy for getting fucked in the ass. Wow. And just outside crying. I just always stand outside in the hallway during the awards because I don't like to sit.

And so I just stand there and wait for them to come out and cry. That's incredible. When the porn stars cry, do they rub their eyes really hard and it just squirts out everywhere at once? It's petiolite. It smells like strawberries. That is true. This is what I've heard, is that porn stars drink petiolite for squirting. Have you ever done that?

I have. Yeah. Oh my goodness. What haven't you done? It's a really good question. I got waterboarded one time. That was fun. Wow.

What? That's incredible. It's great. You got waterboarded and like we got what a burger. On the way here. What was? What? I'm so sorry.

I apologize to everyone in the standup community. What did you just say? What did you say? What did you say? Go ahead. I said on the way here. Right. On the way here.

But then what did you say after that? I just apologized to everybody. Now it was a worst joke. Now it was unbelievable. We don't even have water burger here. That's not believable at all. Oh, your lunch is here. Wait a second.

How is this humanly possible? All right. We got our new sponsor, water burger. Thank you so much. What? All right. What was your question? Go ahead.

Do you talk about the porn work in your act? Yeah, I do. I try to address it, but not lean on it because I don't want it to be a stick. But I do like to introduce it. That's like what I'm mostly known for. So like to address it, get it out of the way. And would you say about Canton, Ohio? Yeah.

I used to have a sugar daddy lived in Canton, Ohio. Yeah. Go through that. That's awesome. Canton, by the way. He broke up with me this year. He got a dog and he doesn't need my companionship anymore. Poor dog.

But like, I just feel like buddy. You know, that dog does anal for sure. It's a shit zoo. If you replace this with a dog. That dog is going to be in a wheelchair. I just feel like he's way less fun to do cocaine with. Like that's my opinion. What did you have to do as part of being having a sugar daddy?

Literally nothing. It was the best job ever. Other than what? Like you must have had to do something. You had to talk with them? Yeah. He just liked to hang out with me and drink scotch and do a bunch of coke and go to strip club. And then he would give me money to get my own strippers.

It was great. Wow. It was the best. I would just go hang out in Ohio for a weekend and I would fly. That's also how I flew home with $20,000 in cash. Wearing a pink fluffy juicy couture sweatsuit. The Cleveland airport. Christ.

Yeah dude. That's white privilege right there. Are you, what is the most you are allowed to fly with? Like 10, 5, 10. Yeah. I know you're not. So it was like tucked like in books. I was so nervous.

Wow. Yeah. Wow. How much have you flown with a cat burglar? Yeah. You're a professional jewel thief. Oh wow. Where's my camera?

Me again. How many water bottles is that? Insight joke. We had actually had Kate on the Brian Holtzman show. It was an awesome episode. She's also been on your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pijitzki. She's very funny. You have your own podcast that you do and her topic of her podcast is brilliant.

You know, so many people come up to me and go. I've never seen Red Band speak so highly of someone before. No, she's very funny. But her top, like so many people tell me like I got this new idea for a podcast and I'm always like, okay, yeah, yeah, I'm sure that's going to work, you know, but her. I remember you said this to me after because I told you what it was and you said that to me on dead air and then I went home and called my mom and I was like, Brian Red Band thinks my podcast is good.

What is it? What is it? It's called the Kennedy assassination and I interview men from the internet that don't like me about what they don't like about me. Like the people that leave mean comments on porn hub. Yeah. Fucking great idea. Yeah.

It's like talking to your trolls, like trying to get to the bottom of it type shit. It's really fun. You learn a lot about people. It's been on a little bit of a hiatus. It turns out I'm not quite as controversial as I hoped I was. Do you not like the elasticity of my anus hole? What is it? It's literally, and I didn't want to say this, but I just won an award for fisting this year.

Let me ask you this, Kate Kennedy. You've been in the porn, you were in the porn business for a while. We've heard of a lot of the wild stuff that you've done. What do you think is the most wholesome thing about you? What, what's the best quality? Like her best quality thing about you. Oh, geez. That's not something I'm used to talking about.

I know. I know. Like my go-to dating move is to just instantly tell people every terrible thing I've ever done. I also have a disabled dog. She only has three legs. She was born that way. She wasn't hit by a car.

She was just $20 cheaper than the dogs with all of them. Wow. She was $20 cheaper. People never ask that. She was only born with three legs? Yeah. She's very in bread. Oh my God.

What kind of dog? In short-haired pointer. She's pretty much the poster. She's in bread. Breeding. Wow. Glickman's in bread every morning. Right into the pantry.

That dog weighs 50 pounds. She's porn bread. He's corn bread. That dog weighs 50 pounds and I carry it up and down three flights of stairs. That's what Glickman says when he meets a girl. He goes, I really want to get into her pantries. Wow. I haven't gotten to do.

I haven't had a good fat guy to make fun of in forever. Glickman, I'm so happy. Any time you want to do that. They always want to start crying. Thanks, Tony. Be a baby about it. Yeah, Red Band is just on cloud nine right now. I don't think you heard the rest of that.

I always go, the other ones are all big babies. This fucking one. All right, Kate. Well, how much longer does your three-legged dog have to live? Do you think? She's almost five. She's really healthy. She just had surgery in April, but she's doing good.

So, you know, she seems like she's doing good. Again, she can't use the wheelchair. Are you doing a dating, Tinder, Bumble, any of those things that I have on my phone? Trying to get? mentiasnatch.com I got kicked off Tinder a couple of years ago and they block your IP when you get kicked off Tinder. Oh, really? Yeah, you can't rejoin.

They just send you a really mean email. That's why you need a good VPN, like ExpressVPN. That's right. And you can get it right now by going to ExpressVPN.com and using the promo code Kill Tony. Yeah. You could be in Japan. All right. There goes Kate Kennedy, everybody.

Great job. Missing you, Kate. On to the next, let me go. Heck, yeah. Speak. Speaking of wrecking balls. How about one more time for Kate Kennedy, everybody? All right.

Your next comedian goes by the name. I know this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Andy Lowe. Here we go with Andy Lowe. There he is. What's up, guys? How you doing? Here he is.

Andy Lowe. How's it going? Right off the bat, let me just get this out of the way because I know it's the first thing you guys are going to talk about. I know I look like Weird Al, but sort of like if Weird Al was campaigning to be like the mayor of a tent city, you know? So I know. Don't bring it up.

You know, I was making a vision board recently. I heard one of the things to do during the quarantine to boost your spirits is make a vision board. So I went online. I looked up, you know, my wildest dreams, the craziest things I could think of. And I saved all the images and I hung a bulletin board on the wall. And then I went to print out the pictures and my printer was out of ink. And so I just have a blank bulletin board on the wall. And I'm, you know, I'm just going to die lonely and unsuccessful now, obviously.

My name's Andy Lowe. We mentioned this. I really don't like my last name Lowe. I think it's kind of, I don't know, it's kind of boring. I miss the times when our last name was, was like what you did for a living. You know, it was, it meant something. Baker, carpenter, you know, Dickinson, you know, it was a better time. All right.

Thanks guys. Andy Lowe, everybody. Put your hands together for Andy. I know Andy. I like your comedy, Andy, because very rarely do I get a chance to hear myself breathing. And when you're performing, I always notice like I can literally hear myself. So what's it like being an older woman starting standup comedy? It's fun.

You know, it's different. I got a big path ahead of me. I've obviously got a lot of chances. All right, Andy. So let's talk about, is this your first time on the show? Yeah. There you are. Charismatic guy.

Super likable. How old are you? 28. 28 years old. Where are you from? I'm from Atlanta. Atlanta, Georgia. Atlanta, Georgia.

Love people in Atlanta have bangs. No, no. I'm about the only one. Wow. All right. How long have you been in LA? About three years. Been doing comedy about a year.

Right, right. What have you been doing here for three years? Yes, this and that. I got a degree in graphic design. I do graphic design work. That's how you make a living? Yeah. Great.

Yeah, that's awesome. You have a look to you. What part of town do you live in? Long Beach. Oh, Long Beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long was your drive here today? Like 30 minutes.

Yeah, no traffic on the 55 or anything. That's cool. So you do graphic design. Tell us more about you. What would we find interesting about you? Okay. Yeah, no. Basically, what you see is what you get.

Have you ever sent a photo to Weirdo? No, no, no. What you see is what you get. What do you mean by that? What do we get? My whole personality is the hair. I'm trying to dig deeper than that. I know you just fresh out of a head and shoulders commercial,

but I'm trying to see what else do you do? What are hobbies or fun things that you do? I run an open mic. Michael Lair's done it. William's done it. Okay. I'll open my camera. All right.

The one in the park? Yeah, we do the park. Cool. So what did you do today? You woke up, what time? It's interesting, actually, because I didn't think I was going to be on tonight. I was told last night I was too white to be on. Okay, I don't know what you're talking about.

None of this matters. Let's stick with the question. You woke up this morning at what time? Probably 2. PM? Yeah. Wow. Okay.

Red band claps for that. That's good. Nice and early. Okay. So do you usually wake up at 2 PM? Yeah. What time did you go to bed last night? Three or four.

What were you doing to keep you up that late? I was here last night and just keep going home, drinking, keep drinking. You drink at home? Yeah. You drink at home? It's a good question. Jen? Jen?

Whatever you got? Yeah. Oh, whatever you got. It's your home. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? What do you think I'm buying you a drink right now? Jesus, Andy.

Okay. Have you ever gotten that your hair is spiraled like an American girl, though? I have, yeah. What time were you drinking until last night? Three or four? No. You know. No, I don't know.

This is my go-to. You know, you were buying Don Haven there. Yeah. He's like, whatever you got. I mean, you were there. You were in bed with me. Remember? We were holding my Hennessy.

So, okay. What were you doing when you were drinking? Were you drinking with someone? Yeah. My girlfriend, Anna. You know. Okay. Yep.

The girlfriend. All right. What did she do? You met her. Yeah. She just got laid off yesterday. Yeah. She what?

That laid off. All the friends that were surviving the pandemic are all losing their jobs. All the waiters and the restaurants. Very, very sad. Bands. Bands. Oh, my God. Wow.

Wow. Did you start doing stand-up after the wizard gave you courage? Yes, I did. Wow. Katzberg. My goodness. So, where'd you meet the girl? You were there, Tony.

Last night. No, in college. Savannah, Georgia. Okay. College in Savannah, Georgia. All right. And where were you when you first saw her? Remember that moment?

I think somebody showed me her nudes. Somebody else went back and I was like, interesting. What? Yeah. Wow. Do you have those nudes on you? No. Not those exact ones.

Yeah. So, we'll talk after. Jesus. You guys are creepy. Do you have any nudes of yourself? Tony needs them. No. Fuck you.

No. So, some guy shows you nudes of her and you're like, wow, she's hot. And he was banging her. Was it your friend? Yeah. Right. Were they just hooking up regularly? Was it a one night stand?

What was this thing with her? Yeah, it was a one night stand. I'm pretty sure. That's what they told you, huh? That's what I was told, yeah. So, I was promised, actually. Ooh, promised. For someone that runs a mic, you sure hold the mic really far away from your mouth.

Sorry, sorry. Yeah, you got to keep it right next to it. So, wow, how long have you been together now? You met in college. Seven years. Now you're a 53-year-old woman trying to figure it out. Marriage is legal now for you two? Yeah.

Working nine to five. Nine to five. All right. My goodness, Andy. What else, buddy? What are your parents like? One owns a bank? Well, my dad's dad, but my mom is really disappointed about this Trump loss, as I'm sure.

Is that true? She's a Trump supporter? Yeah. My goodness. Wow. She still lives in what, Georgia? Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, no. Actually, she just moved to Hilton Head last year. Oh, Hilton. Beautiful. Hilton Head, South Carolina. Beautiful. Good to have you. My goodness.

Wow. She's living the life. What did she do? She found a new man. Her man retired, so. Her man retired. Oh, they both moved to Hilton Head is what you're saying. My goodness.

I wonder what Trump would say if he could speak to your mother about these elections. The American dream is dead. That's right. He's very angry. He's very angry. I don't know if he... We have losers. We have losers.

We have people that don't have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain. Nobody can do that like me. That was very good. Wow. That was incredible, Red Band. So, Andy, come on.

Hit us with one more super fun fact about you. Okay. There has to be something. Because you look... There's no way you look this interesting and possibly can be this fucking boring. I can't brag. I don't know. You look like...

Bragg. Bragg, motherfucker. He can hold the mic farther away from his mouth than anybody and not remember to do it ever. It's so true. You look like a ghost from the hit series, Are You Afraid of the Dark? You look like if the Cathy comic fucked Garfield. That is true.

It is a very cartoony look. Yeah. It is interesting. Have you ever had short hair? Have you ever tried to mix it up? Yeah, no. I had a... Okay, here's the interesting thing.

You look like Girl Skakel. I had a... Girl Skakel? I love her. I had a traumatic brain injury a couple years ago. You did? Yeah. Oh, this explains.

Oh, it makes so much sense. You used to probably have so many fun hobbies and... It's always more interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I woke up from a coma, strapped to a hospital bed and 50 staples in my head. How did you get put in a coma? Medically induced. Wow.

They just did it for me. What did they do? They played your comedy set for you? Yeah. Out for days. Wow. Incredible. Gotcha.

All right. Well, Andy. Fun times, man. Hey, have... Enjoy your time in Texas. I'm going to miss you guys. Right? Texas.

All right. There you go. Thank you so much. Andy Lowe, everybody. There he goes. Andy Lowe. All right. Let's do it.

We're just going to squeeze in someone very special. Someone very special to us right now. He is a regular on the show, ladies and gentlemen, with David Lucas out of commission here on this lovely day, probably back next week or something like that. I present to you the great, the big red machine, William Montgomery. There we go. Shut the song off. I'm dizzy as a motherfucker.

I'm on Xanax. You told me to say that, you piece of shit. I'm kidding. It's a joke. Why'd you tell me to say that? It's not working. If I had my own touchdown dance, I'd act like I heard a ticking noise inside of the ball and then start freaking out and telling everyone there's a bomb inside of the ball and then

run up into the stands and into the press box and say over the PA that there's a bomb inside of the football and the referees refused to stop the game and then I tell my family I love them and then I died playing the game that I loved. Wow. No, I have red band. This is the final kill Tony. What are you talking about? Let me do the rest of my fucking jokes.

Okay. But I don't know what you mean. It's the last kill Tony. I'm not here to talk about the military, but when is the last time a sniper saved my life? Uh, if I could bring one of the Beastie Boys back from the dead, I wouldn't. Sorry, Mel Gibson is an action hero, not an Oscar nominee fag boy. I love Tim and Brayford. This is probably the best part of my set coming up.

Because y'all know Dolly Parton cured COVID. Now if only she could, let me do it. I paused wait, wait too much. Let me do it one more time. Ready? And action. Jeremiah used to say that and Jeremiah for the record, that's not yo kid. I'm kidding.

I thought that was gonna get a bunch of laughter here. Let me tell my last two jokes. The capri-ler just farted into the microphone. Wow. Seems like all the characters are doing this now. As y'all know Dolly Parton cured COVID. Now if only she could come up with a vaccine for my achy, breaky heart. Wow.

Here's the best one. Okay. Imagine Dolly Parton in the lab coat. I haven't seen cotton stretch of that then since the south had to start paying for labor. Oh my Jesus. Wow. William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen, three minute set, little special treat. Three minutes.

People throw, throw around. Do you hear me to Jeremiah stop? He did. This is a serious deal. People throw around numbers in my world all the time. I don't understand them. Like what? 5150.

5150. What are you talking about? I'm talking about playing the game Jaws with my cousin Taylor and he's like William, you rolled a five and I just look at Taylor saying what do you mean? How many spaces do I move my fish? Is this still happening? Tony, I talked to William before the show and he is just really choked up about you going to Austin.

He's like I'm going to have to go back to Memphis. Tony, what makes me so sad and I wish to the God that I praise Jesus that your fucking ass wasn't on that stage. This is maybe the last time I will be on Kill Tony and I swear to God this has been the best thing that's ever happened to me and now I'm up here talking about numbers and all this shit. It's not working. What do you think moving to Austin is not an option for you?

I'm thinking about it. Tony, can I move, move in with you? I can stay in your bathroom, I TT a bunch. I can just stay in your... What is TT? What's TT? It's when stuff comes out of my penis. Sounds like a great offer Tony.

What do I get out of this? You get out of it walking into the bathroom with your speedo goggles looking at me, looking down at my penis, looking at the urine coming out of my thing. Doing your goggles up, doing the fall golf, just being like William, is that y'all dip? What do I say? Hey William, is that y'all dip? Why would I talk like that? Because you see my penis, it is similar, I don't know if y'all are familiar with Tootsie

Roll Pops. My penis looks like a blue Tootsie Roll Pop. Jesus Christ. My goodness. Have you gotten this checked out? The doctor when I was born, they thought I had spina bifida, but it was actually a problem with my, your tail. No, the thing that wraps around your neck when you're born that allows your mama to feed

you. What's that thing called? Encyclopedia cord. Encyclopedia cord, fuck you Red Band. I'm going to be fucking happy when you're down in Austin. Oh my god. You bediving in the underwater springs, just looking at me saying, William, my oxygen is running out and I'm looking at your fucking ass saying, yeah Red Band, you fucked up.

Your ass is dying down here. William would watch you die rather than save you. Can you believe that Red Band? I would look you in your face and look down at my feet and adjust my aqua socks. You bitch. Here, do me a favor. Do me a favor, William. Look right at that camera like it's Red Band drowning and tell the camera what you would

say to him. Hey Red Band, you fucked up. Your oxygen is running low. You're going to fucking die down here, you motherfucker. I bet you regret moving to Austin and getting into scuba diving, you piece of shit. You're dying down in the soul and I'm going to get out. I'm going to get with Janice. We've been screwing around behind your back.

Janice and I are going to get married and Red Band, you're going to die down in this fucking hole. Janice, get out of my fucking face. Red Band, get her out of my face. He's drowning. He's drowning again. Wow, William Montgomery, what a performer. But you're fucking phone down.

Yeah, I loved you in track. I loved you in track. I loved when you played the Herbie the Lovebug character just watching you. Front of your car. What are those things called? Windshield wipers flashing your lights just saying, hey, how's it going? William is in full smash mode right now. Someone fucking.

I'm going to Austin too. Fucking HGH before this. Wild animal tonight. I am just so sick and tired of people talking about spam. Spam. What are you talking about? The food or the thing that gets in my email? Oh, shit.

A spam joke out of nowhere. The first joke you think of when you think of spam. Tony, I'm going to miss this. Are you going to cry right now? I think you can. Can you do that? Let me try. Let me try.

OK, here it is. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Zach. Zach, zoom in. You bit. You bit. You bit. You bit. You bit.

You bit. You bit. You bit. Here it is. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Zach. Zach, zoom in, you bitch. Zach, zooming in. Let's see if William can cry.

Oh, there's some sad military music. That usually does it to a Civil War-ian actor type like William Montgomery. Oh, he's just found out the Confederacy lost. Oh my goodness. William, just William, if you need help, just think about your life. Tony, I appreciate the... I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, William, to get sad, think about your life.

Yeah, that's what I said. All right, William. So what are we talking about here? You got to get going, right? You have a curfew tonight. I have a curfew. Thank you so much, Red Band. I'm going to miss you playing these stupid fucking songs,

what I'm trying to be serious. You just typing on your fucking calculator, whatever people call those things. Yeah, I use the calculator, William. Yeah, you use a calculator. Your girlfriend gave it to me. Well... Oh, talk about Texas Instruments. Yeah, she gave me a TI-81, bitch.

Whoa, he just called you a bitch, William. Don't fuck with me like I swear to God. Wow. When we are underneath the water system in Texas and you are running out of oxygen, I'm going to wink at you and be like, yeah, Janice and I text one another every fucking night. You think it's Janice the whole time, it was me.

Wow. Well, I appreciate you. We talk about our penises. We talk about looking at our penises with binoculars. I appreciate that. Just me standing just up on the mountainside, just looking at Red Band's penis via binocular and you look at my penis via binocular.

What if I put the binoculars down on the table? That's really funny. Why'd you fuck that up? We're doing one of the best things ever. And you say bullshit like that. William, I want to let you know that indeed, there is a chance that we will be moving to Austin depending on where.

Could I go down there? Could I still be the regular? Because I am fucking churning out jokes like no one else could. You churn them better than anyone. I am churning out fucking jokes like no one else. I'd like to see your dumbass try it. You couldn't do it. Are you talking to Stephen Glickman?

Yeah, I'm talking to Stephen Glickman. William, this is a guest of ours. You have to be nice to the guest. I don't know how to fucking read, Tony. Wow. But I keep on writing these jokes. Could I move to Austin and keep this up? You know what, William?

I'll make you a deal. If you can get to Austin and you can find a place to live and find a way to support yourself, you find a good... Look at this. You can go down there. You can come visit. Look at this.

I say that a bunch. Listen to me. You can go to Austin and visit and you know what you could do. You could scout out some really nice storage facilities for you to work at. And you could just make a smooth transition from working at a storage facility here to there.

And you know what? In Texas, you can also find a lot of girlfriends that will be willing to beat you up. What scares me is I feel like I will move down there and fill a rider van with explosives. No, don't say that. I'm a Timothy McVeigh guy. You know that.

He's just kidding, everybody. I'm one of the members of the Secret Service. Listen to this show. Did you know that? If they ever come at me... They know it's a joke. William, I may double down on Tony's offer. Can you talk a little slower?

I may double down. I can always tell. I've done this show a long time. I always know when red bands about to make a big deal. What's your offer? If you come down and continue to be a regular on The Kill Tony Show, I'll let you be on Brothers in Curse of Austin Edition.

Wow. He's going to let you do your own podcast in Austin. Look at this. It's actually... He's thinking. This is what it looks like when he's thinking. Exactly. Shut the fucking light off.

Why did he get brighter? And if David Lucas doesn't want to... That works every time. And if David Lucas doesn't want to come to Austin, you can choose who you want to be your brother in Curse of. I sort of don't want to get into this, but you know I don't trust Black. I know.

It says for a while that you think it's a bad idea that David's your brother in Curse of. Oh, shit. And you've been wanting a white guy. It's turned into a literal nightmare where I'm doodling into the shower drain and I'm looking up. Okay.

All right, William. That's enough. So much TT and doodoo and da-da. All right, William. Unbelievable performance. I want to let you know that, you know, that the invite is open for you, William, but I've literally had people say,

I have a job for William that's so easy. He'll be able to work from home. It's this other job as a car. And I go, William, this person wants to give you a fucking job. You have to do nothing. And there's always some weird reason why you can't do it or why you won't visit a doctor or why you won't get out of this situation or that situation.

So I truly believe that this might actually... I feel like you're not going to make it to Austin. I feel like Michael Laird is not going to miss a beat. Yeah. And you know how many people that listen to this show that have jobs for you in Austin if you moved to Austin? I guarantee it. If people listen to this show,

I believe this is the week before Christmas is right around the corner here. And if you can offer William a job, offer him a job. The economy is building out there. Please, y'all. It's a fucking real red state. I need it. Steven Glickman, let me work for you.

All right. Sounds great. Wow, look at that. All right. William, we absolutely adore you. You'll always be a regular in our hearts. It's been so much fun. I have loved every fucking minute of it.

I think we need security. Shut up. What did you say? Security. Can we get this guy out of here? I have loved every fucking minute of all of this. I can't tell y'all enough that I appreciate your candle. Shut up, Glickman.

Oh, my God. Shut up, dude. Make me. Make you. Glickman, don't fuck with me. William, go on. Be nice to our guests. Go ahead.

Keep talking. Come on, William. Glickman. I believe in you, William. Two years ago, I met your mom. You were cool with it. We started kissing in a bathroom. William, come on.

Keep it. Keep it going. You were on your clothes. Glickman and I, his mom looks a lot like him. Just a bald-headed lady from Memphis. And we made out on the stairwell of the fucking Oak Court Mall. And I'm looking at her saying, you know what? I trust Glickman.

I like him. And she looked at me and she's like, William, shut your mouth. Now, I love you so much. Wow. Oh, my God. William, you are such a fucking incredible talent. You absolutely destroyed me tonight for 16 minutes nonetheless. Absolutely shockingly incredible performance.

Three minutes of stand-up comedy. I'm fucking around. And probably my favorite interview of all time. Closing strong here at the comedy store here on this beautiful, beautiful Monday night. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for William Montgomery, everybody. He's on the flip side, buddy. Everyone's dancing in the street. It's a happy holiday.

Yeah. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Silver. Here we go. Everybody is a happy holiday. Yeah. There he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Silver. What's up?

I bet racists hate coloring books. Think about it. But you know, it's their baby boy. So maybe for their birthday one year, they get him a brand new coloring book. He's so excited about it. Oh, shit. He's so excited about it. But the kid, you know, right away, he gets into it.

He starts coloring. He's finishing like 10 seconds. The dad comes back in the room. He's like, what have you done? It was perfect. It was white. Something like that. I like to get really high and go to Whole Foods,

give out samples of products they don't sell there. Recently, I was doing this. This lady comes up to me. She's like, oh, my God, I can't believe it's organic. I was like, it's not. It's from Walmart. It's a fantastic moment for me. Fastly been to the Suicide Ward three times.

First time I want to die. Other two times cannot decide if I like the place or not. I want to have an accurate opinion. How many seconds I got left? Cool. Mike Silver. There it is. Mike Silver.

Mike, I remember you. You've been on the show a couple of times. You throw fish for a living or something like that, right? Yeah. I actually got fired like twice from it. Wow. It's weird because it's a family company, too. Very awkward.

Very fishy situation. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Hell yeah. So what are you doing now? Basically, unemployment life. Yeah. What's that look like for you?

I bought a dog with my stimulus check and a little bit of the first check for unemployment. That's great. Is that what you named him? Did you name the dog stimulus? No. I named him Pappy. He's pretty awesome. Oh, that's cool.

You smoke a lot of pot, huh? I smoke quite a bit. Fuck yeah. You have a bomb, a water bomb. Yep, in my car. In your car. I know the type of person that's got a bomb on him. Basically, yeah.

It's just like whenever you leave or when I leave anywhere, it's just like smoke a bowl right before I came in here. Smoke a bowl. You know what I mean? Of course. Yeah. Constantly. I get it.

What are some things that you like to do? Hobbies and stuff. Yeah. I was just talking to Andy about that. I have no fucking hobby. Really? You ever golf? I did.

You seem like strangely enough. I was asking Varsity Golf in Westchester High. Look at this shit. It's another weird thing where I can guess people that know how to golf look like they would never golf. No, but that's the thing. I get that vibe from you. No, they solely put me on that team because I was white.

It was kind of unreasonable. Wait. They needed a token white guy for their golf team? Yep. Where the hell did you go to school? Westchester High. Hell. No, Westchester High was a predominant in black school.

So they had a golf team and I was like, hey, I play golf. They're like, where'd you play golf at? And I was like, what was your country club? And they were like, all right, for sure. Varsity Golf. They made me captain. Never went to a golf course. Wow.

Amazing. Did you have fun? I mean, like I got a free six period, so worked out. Hell yeah. Free six period. Look at that. What were you into when you were growing up? You had a free six period.

Glickman had two lunches. Yeah. No, I tried. I was actually, I tried to join a gang when I was younger. It wasn't a, wasn't a good idea. He tried to join a gang? Yeah. Like it just wasn't good.

What gang? Should I say? Wow. Look at that. I'm from L.A. It's in L.A. You know, it's unreasonable. Man, fuck it.

It's called Bowser's Thressay. Oh, shit. Maybe he shouldn't have said that. We're going to bleep that. Actually, that's the best gang. Yeah. Just bleep it, please. But no, it's funny because like, how do you, it's crazy going to like bang on someone

with like a ridiculous name because they'd look at you like, that's really your name. You'd be like, yeah, don't say anything about it. You know, it just doesn't really work. So I should really bleep that one out. For sure. Yeah. For sure. I don't think.

Yeah, it's just a little bleep. Because they probably just don't want anybody talking about other gang, right? I don't know. Like it's a, it's a weird society because it's kind of like. What the fuck made you think you could get into it though? They must have just laughed at you. They're all standing on the front stoop laughing at you. I used to sell meth on a scooter.

Like it just didn't work. Just Westchester Park. Okay. Because everything has come naturally and easy for him. Exactly. Hey, can I be in your Mexican gang? You need another white guy. Yeah.

I once, yeah. So where do you live now? I just moved to Koreatown. Nice. How's that going for you? No better time to be near a bunch of Asian people than when there's a virus. I'm a chef at the Korean barbecue restaurant now. No, it's awesome.

It's just parking the bitch, but no, I like it's way closer to everything. You know, because I live in South Korea. They've been eyeballing your new dog that you got? Yeah. And honestly, it makes me really nervous because like I've had people look at like, and then lick their lips. It's like, what are you doing, man? Yeah, that's right.

So unreasonable. You ever noticed that the drivers are bad around Koreatown? I do. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. I honestly almost got into an accident on the way over here. Would you say that out of all the racial stereotypes, Asian driving, it seems to be blatantly the biggest one, like the most true stereotype out of every race?

It's different because like my, I don't know my grandma. She's from Cambodia and like, she's just an extremely careful driver. I wouldn't necessarily say bad, but it's like irritating driving with her. You know, I'm not talking about Cambodians, bro. You know what the fuck? You said Asians. Come on. Cambodia is a reach.

Cambodia is Cambodia is like calling Puerto Rico America. It's like, I guess. But it's like, if you look at her, you're not going to be like, you must be from Cambodia. You're going to be like, you're Asian and shit. You know, it's just kind of like, but isn't she sort of darker? I mean, Cambodians are like all of skin. See the thing with Cambodia is like the whole culture is just a bunch of different mixed people.

Like you'll have people who are like half Cambodian, half Thai, half Thai, half Chinese. I know I'm starving. Is anybody else starving up here? Can I have the half Cantonese, half Thai? All right. So what else about you? I mean, there must be something. I deadlift a lot.

So get the fuck out of here. Can you deadlift Jeremiah Watkins? I was just about to say, I'm pretty sure I could deadlift Red Band. Yeah. If you try to lift him, you'll be dead. I think I like from the ground. Red Band's not going to do it. Why don't you start off with Jeremiah first?

The crazy thing is him deadlifting Red Band would be the most exercise Red Band's done in a while. At least I was a part of it. Yeah. I'll one up you. I bet you can do it. But to prove your true strength, I think you should get right at the tip of this stage in deadlift.

Glickman. Oh shit. Would you be down? You're going to die. Let's do it. Do my do my course. How much can you deadlift? I could deadlift 380.

You think your core is strong? You should see his core. My core is fantastic right now. It's got a crust, a mantle, and a core. You're 380. I mean, I'm not 380. All right. So he can do it.

How much do you weigh, you think? I'm 308. 307. If you take that cell phone out of your pocket, let's do it. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here it is.

Hold on a second here. What is that? I don't know. What is that? OK. Stand right out there. Stand social distance from me while you deadlift. Man, is this exciting or what?

Please do. OK. Wait. You're going to pull him up by his hoodie and pants? The fetal position. Glickman. Glickman. Glickman.

This is exactly how his Shrek audition is. Stephen's fly is already down. He's right. All right. Glickman's bailing out. Jeremiah, what do you think? I mean, if this guy thinks he can lift Glickman, will you let him squat you? I don't know.

Who else? Are there any fat people out there that would like to get squatted? All right. Everybody's afraid of you, Mike. I'm sorry. Anybody can squat me. I'm not very heavy. Really?

But you're like six foot seven according to you on an airplane. But wouldn't that mean you're heavy if you're so tall? And you have the same confidence as my height. I have better confidence in your height. How many people see him deadlifted? Michael Larry and his wheelchair. There you go. I don't know.

There's a guy that doesn't have a choice. If you lift this wheelchair over your head, I'll soon be deadlifted. Just make sure whatever you do, Mike, just please for the love of fucking God, don't drop him. This is probably a horrible idea. Colette is dying up there. Why is he so strong? Oh, no.

This is a horrible idea. Wow. Oh my God. Oh my God. Michael Larry. Holy shit. Wow. What's incredible about this is Michael Larry has so much dead weight.

He actually weighs the same as Glickman. Wow. He's finishing off. How about a hand for Michael Larry? Nice job, Michael. A fucking real fucking improv player right there. This guy will fucking roll with anything. Literally hand metaphorically.

Mike, you are extremely strong. He was a lot heavier than you thought. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck? It's a special kind of dead weight, that fucking AL. I was this close from dropping him. I was like, does that not be good? Oh, God. And you thought you could do me or Glickman?

What the fuck? Well, I can deadlift you guys. I'm telling you, I saw something. I saw what happened there. And it's what I'm saying is true. Michael Larry has a special kind of dead weight. Look, I'm like, oh, this is going to be, I was expecting him to fly right up

once he got his arms underneath him and sure enough, just everything. Get him out of the rafters. So heavy. Yeah, that's incredible. Michael Larry, real man. That's what a body feels like. It's all that fucking Michael Larry cock in those pants.

Yeah, you got a 10 foot cock, dude. That's just going to weigh a lot. All right, Mike. Well, so much fun, man. Impressive strength, fun times, fun interview. Thanks for coming. Mike Silver. Appreciate it.

We're having fun. We're having fun. This is it. This is the final comedian of the night right here. We're going to do this and get the fuck out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Gino Ricardi. Here we go. Good brisk jug.

Gino Ricardi. Me and my girlfriend are in an open relationship. That means two things. She's allowed to date other dudes and I'm allowed to fuck hookers. Nobody's fucking me for free. I'm 5'7". I look like an extra from the Fast and the Furious franchise.

I'm broke. No, it's just not happening for free. She'll always ask me, like, she'll go out on a date and she'll come back. She'll be like, what did you do while I was gone? I'm like, I fucking got high and watched a movie in peace without having to narrate it to the person next to me. Whenever I get laid, she always has to ask me,

all right, how much of our money did you just spend? That's what I got for you, man. You got 21 seconds. I got 21 seconds? Yep. It's funny. People always... Gino Ricardi.

Yeah, it's just different than it used to be. Having tattoos on your face used to mean you were a dangerous person. Now it just means you drink white claw. There you go. Gino Ricardi. Beautiful. Very nice. Gino, fun set.

You've been doing this a little while, huh? Yeah, a little bit. Was I supposed to be looking there, by the way? Yeah, you're doing everything just right. Okay. You're doing it just right. But at any point you want to say anything insanely funny or weird, you should say it to that camera.

Dude, I hope I'm not looking at my future. Actually, Joel, this looks more like your past. It looks like... I don't know what... I was going to say your present, maybe. No. All right. Gino, let's catch up.

This is your first time on the show. First time. How long have you been on stand-up? I'm going to guess four to six years. About four. There you go. Getting into four. Where at?

Phoenix, Arizona. Yes. Are you serious? No. I started in Orange County. And then I've been doing Los Angeles. That's the Phoenix vibes I'm getting. Yeah, the Phoenix.

Same place, basically. Just different areas. Okay. I find people in Arizona know how to keep themselves kept like they're all attractive for some reason. I'm going to go to my senior fat correspondence to both sides. Okay. You know, I'm wrong.

Okay. You know, I'm wrong. All right. Gino, so you live in Orange County still? Yeah. Still live in Orange County. What do you do for work? In the before times, I was a bartender at a hotel at the double tree.

Oh, okay. Good cookies. The most layback job. Good cookies. Good cookies at the double tree. Oh, they are amazing. They're warm. They let you sometimes have two of you sweet talk.

They clerk at the counter. Wow. You don't just steal them, Cat Burglar? Sometimes you have to be polite. Wow. All right. So you were a bartender at a hotel. How about now?

What are you doing to survive? I'm on unemployment. Right. This is the only time I've ever been able to do stand-up seven days a week. So I'm taking advantage. Absolutely. You've been doing it seven days a week? Pretty much, yeah.

That's incredible. You're just going everywhere. Different places. Hustling. Everywhere, yeah. How does it make you feel performing? Cold. It's cold outside.

It's weird. It's cold. It's cold. Everything's in a park outside somewhere in the dark. Right. Yeah. And you drive from Orange County every day? Every single day.

What kind of car do you have? I have a Honda Fit. Oh, I hate Honda Fits. I hate them so much. Do you drive like shit? You can't help it. That's why people hate Prius drivers. Because there's no acceleration.

You can't peel out. It's the worst. Yeah. Do you ever go in the far left lane on the freeway? I mean, when I get up there. You know what? Don't do it anymore, please. I'm an excellent fucking driver.

Can you tell all the Honda Fit people to stay the fuck out of that lane? You just don't belong there. That is the only time when we have Tony as far left is on the highway. There you go. Absolutely. For those of you that remember my political views, I'm not far left very often. Except for on almost all social issues. But look at these idiots running this fucking city now.

Anyway. What do you think about this? Tell me about this open relationship. This real? Good question. Serious? This is real, yeah. Why?

How long have you been in it? Since we started. How long is that? I don't like to count. But it's been long enough. A ballpark. Like she started taking that last name. A couple years?

Two months? Five years. More than four years. More than four years. Yeah. Do you know when it's closing? That's why I don't like to count. Any time, people always congratulate you on just not being dead or not being broken up.

Let me ask you this. It's weird. I never really got it. Right? Yeah. She can just go out and bang somebody without a condom? No, not without a condom. But I mean, if she's a big enough, if she's sexually adventurous enough to go have sex

with other people, what makes you think she's sexually adventurous enough to not make someone wear a condom? Because she didn't want to die, I assume. What do you mean die? You think I still have AIDS in Orange County? No. I assume it's everywhere. He's going to murder her, Tony.

That's what's going to happen. Interesting. I wear a condom. That's, I mean, the same reason I wear condoms because you fucking don't wear condoms with her. No. You're wearing a condom right now. I'm wearing one right now.

I usually have a microphone. It's a long drive from Orange County with a flappy condom. Has she ever met somebody that like they kind of, you know, you almost feel like, oh, she's going to leave me for this dude? No. No. No. Why do you think that is?

Have you met any of the guys? Why are you so secure that she's not going to leave you for another guy? Because she's perfect. We're like, we're like, dude, we're just perfect for each other. If you were really perfect for each other, wouldn't you be fucking so often that you don't need to hook up with other people? I don't know how like, have you been in like long term, like more than two years? After two years, you've done everything you can do together.

There's no more, there's nothing else to explore. Jesus. And frankly, I don't want to do a lot of the shit that she wants to do. A lot of the shit she wants to do, she's like super freaky. She wants to get like tied up. I'm lazy, dude. She can do that with somebody else. And like, that's fine.

And she comes home and I'm like, that sounds like it was a lot of work. And it's not like there's no pussy left over for me. I can literally fuck her any moment of the day I want. If she's sitting there like studying or whatever the fuck she does, I can literally just walk by, put my dick in her face for like a minute, and then like walk away. And then she'll just get pissed off that we didn't fuck. But I just wanted to put my dick in something for like a minute. Wow, you just put your dick next to her face for a minute?

God, I love love. I mean, this is so romantic. Wow. That's incredible. This is love the way that a shot of love with Tila Tequila was love. Yeah. Wow. So Gina, what else about you?

What else do you have? Like hobbies or anything like that? I play music. I used to be a drug dealer. What kind of music do you play? I play like what I just play for fun. So I play what I play like musicals, like stuff like that on the piano or whatever, or jazz on the guitar.

Wow. Incredible. We ever dressed up as Jose Aldo for Halloween. Wow. There you go. What was that? It's a reference from the UFC. You look like a UFC fighter.

Oh, okay. Do you sing when you do these musicals on the piano? Sometimes, just to keep pitch. It helps you learn pitch better than you could say. Can you give us a little, can we just hear one little sound of you just doing anything at all whatsoever? No, because I haven't trained in a while. Come on, come on.

I haven't trained in a while. It's going to sound horrible. Come on. If Glickman does it for a second, will you do it for a second? Are you saying sing? Yeah. No, I'm not going to sing. Why?

Because it's going to sound bad. What if you move your mouth and then Glickman sings for you? I would like to hear Glickman's voice coming out of that body. I just do it for pitch training. It helps. It helps train your gear. Do you know how to pitch a baseball? No.

I throw like a girl. It's horrible. Wow. Where'd you grow up? Huntington Beach. Oh, Huntington Beach. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Huntington Beach was a bunch of white people that wanted to be gangsters. They all joined gangs. It's really weird. Wow. I was in a gang. Do you know that? The Apple Dumpling Gang.

What gang were you in? I was in a... Weight Watchers? I was in a... You should say Krispy Kreme Gang. Krispy Port Gang. It's a restaurant. Krispy Port Gang.

I was in a Crips Gang. Wait, what? 100% true. You were a Crips? I was in the 7th grade. Wolfgang Buck? I was. I was in the 7th grade in a school.

It was really tough. A little junior high school. He was in the Ku Klux Klambs. Ku Klux Klambs? That's pretty funny. You were in the... You were a blood pressure. Jesus.

There was a bunch of kids. They were all in a gang. One of them, I was coaching in an acting scene for class. And then he was like... He was like, hey, bro, I got you, bro. And I was like, what does that mean? And he was like, don't worry about it. Just do this hand signal.

And he showed me a hand signal. And I was like, okay, what's that? And then he told all the other kids, all the other guys in the gang, that he had jumped me in. And then they all showed up one day. Because I was working in the lunch room. I bet you were.

And they all asked me if I was in the gang. And then I did the hand signal. And then they all were like, this is the funniest thing in the whole world. I was like the fattest little... Of course. Yeah. I was like a little ball of fat Jew.

The gang that he was in was the Hell's Angel food cake. I did not last very long. What city was this? Encinitas, California. It was the big city. It's a beach city Crip. Beach city Crip. There's a lot of editing I'm going to have to do

with all these gangs. I think the ones in that one are going to enjoy the show. Those guys are great guys. Great senses of humor. Absolutely. All right. Well, Gino, thank you so much. Really great set.

Gino Ricardi, everybody. There he goes. Here comes the drawing from Ryan Jay Ebelt. We had fun tonight. This was good. Wow. Look at that one. My goodness.

Everybody looks fucking stellar. He even made Glickman look good on this. Wow. Look at me. Wow. The drawing really does take away 20 pounds. Guys, how about a big hand? RyanJayEbelt.com for those prints.

How about a big hand for our guest, Stephen Glickman, everybody. Oh, it's here. Stephen Glickman is the host of the nighttime show podcast available everywhere. Also, check out Monster Hunter coming out soon. Yeah. The nighttime show just recorded its 200th episode with Kevin Smith. Awesome.

That was a good get. We had Kevin Smith here for a 420 episode. Fuck yeah. I remember that. It was incredible. Yeah, it was good. He's a great guy. Very solid.

He lives right around the corner from here. Oh, shit. One more time for Glickman, everybody. Hey, thanks, guys. Comedy store royalty. Thanks for having me. Former door guy. Worked his way all the way up to being rich.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big hand for Jeremiah Watkins. This special is still out. Jeremiah. Family reunion is out available everywhere. JeremiahWatkins.com, Amazon. Get it. What else, Jeremiah? Yes, there is cataburger t-shirts at JeremiahWatkins.com.

And I've got a great podcast. Jeremiah wonders you should catch up on. And I want to give a thank you to Gino from Speedweed, who has been helping me produce it from a long time from Betterbox Studios. And he is a silent supporter of all of us in a lot of times. So I just want to say thank you to Gino. There it is indeed.

Every single week, Gino hanging, killing it. Guys, the queen bee of the band, Jetsky Jesse Johnson was here tonight. There she is. Look at that little kitty cat. She has handmade ornaments available at JetskyJohnson.com. Anytime ornaments. I mean, Christmas is around the corner.

I bet she can get them delivered before Christmas even. We'll see. What else, Jetsky? We got road casts with Jeremiah. Joel and I were on them. Look out for that. And I just want to thank you guys and everybody listening. I just did a show for Ohio University, not the Ohio City.

I just noticed that today. I hope you didn't say. I know. But it was so cool. And it was on Twitch and all the comments. I was seeing all this vroom vroom from all over the country and the world. And yeah, thank you guys watching.

Thank you guys. Well, you're the best, Jetsky. You know what I just realized is that cat burglar behind me was Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, the whole goddamn time. Absolutely incredible. Joel, tell us something. Shit. Thank you to Ludwig.

Thank you to you guys. Thanks to everybody here at the Comedy Store. I love it. Love you guys. And have a great rest of your year. Right, Ben? Yeah. Thanks Comedy Store so much, guys.

I love you guys. And I'm going to miss you guys. Comedy Store, Peter Shore, Pauly, Richie, Curtis, Jen, everybody that has anything to do with this place. Guys, how about a big hand for Damon Easterwood coming in, unlocking the power of the room for us. Thanks to everybody and everything. Who knows what the future holds, but we will indeed most likely

see you guys next week. Thank you.