KILL TONY - #494 - JOE ROGAN + BRIAN MOSES

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Joe Rogan, Brian Moses, Jon Keyz, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, Michael Lehrer, Zac Bogus, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/01/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.

Hey, this is red van and you're listening to kill Tony check out our website desk squad TV There you have every past episode of kill Tony including video portions to the show and if you click on tour dates You can come see us live not only do we play every Monday at Antones and Austin, Texas But we're always on the road so go to desk squad TV and click on tour dates Ryan J. E belt He's the house artist. He draws every episode go to Ryan J. E belt calm to check out his work Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website Tony Hinchcliffe.com go there for everything golden pony like tour dates and merch and stuff Tony Hinchcliffe.com and last but not least shop squad dot TV That's the official merchandise of the desk squad universe if you want some hats and some shirts go to shop squad dot TV

And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony Hey, this is red van coming to you live from Antones and Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony Get up on Tony Hinchcliffe Wow isn't that special come on guys we're here we're in Austin make some noise It's another taping of kill Tony live at Antones the great Brian red. Hey everybody. Very very exciting exciting stuff Welcome to another episode big table tonight. Look at the size of this table My goodness. How many of you have heard this show before watch it or whatever?

Very good Then you guys know what you're in for the great Ryan J. E belt is at home in Los Angeles, California Drawing tonight's episode right now on this screen right in front of us. You can't see him But we can he draws every single episode of the show every tour poster every everything some incredible stuff over Ryan J E belt comm get the new kill Tony the coloring book how many of you by round of applause have preordered your kill Tony coloring book Look at that the first laugh of the night Ryan. Can you believe it just dead silence here? I just got it? It's awesome, man. I was I had no electricity no power or anything So I just I started coloring this whole weekend. It was great. There you go. I made you green. Oh

red band All right, another very interesting thing kill Tony 500 is right around the corner It snuck up on us out of nowhere if you're wondering how many other Podcasts in front of a live audience have even gotten to have episode 500 of their podcast The answer there is the same as how many people in this room pre-ordered the coloring book for kill Tony But episode 500 around the corner This is an announcement right now that there's going to be an announcement next week regarding kill Tony 500

This is a special announcement about an announcement. How to make hand for the band you guys have been listening to them for a few minutes here This is the kill Tony Austin, Texas of BAM John D's on keys Matt mulling on guitar the great D madness on bass guitar and Michael Gonzalez on drums I always notice I always notice D madness gets the most applause. I don't know why I Don't know why you guys feel they need to clap harder. It's a sunglasses man. He's from the future. Look at him. He's from blade We got to get you some blinky sunglasses John You're being out likable to buy your bass player Love it so exciting exciting stuff. We're about rip Roaring and ready to about

Rip it here. I'm excited about tonight's show very very fun We've had only episodes with one guest at a time every so how many of you have been to a kilto kill Tony taping here in Austin, Texas? Every week we've done one guest at a time This week we're going to do two and we might even at one point believe it or not hit three You know, we never announced the guests on kill Tony. We just always, you know, let you guys get lucky or unlucky This is one of the lucky ones. Yeah You guys are in very very good hands because this is one of two of my best friends in the entire world two real comedy store guys You guys are gonna have so much fun. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Brian Moses and Joe Rogan. Wow. All right

boom This episode's so crazy Freddie Gibbs might even be joining us at any moment. Who knows anything can happen here tonight Hey a special shout out guys to Clarissa and Thomas. They made a new kill Tony, Texas bucket He's that little guy right there. It's the Undertaker Austin zone the Undertaker. I Found out the Undertaker lived here after moving here. I'm not stalking him But I do wear the championship belt every day Right in between right after drying off and before putting on clothes. I throw on my Undertaker championship belt Welcome back to the show guys. Moses. You're back

It's been we we had enough you were on one of the audience list kill Tony's at the comedy store during the global pandemic And now you're here. How does it feel to be back in front of an audience? We kidnapped him from LA everybody It's a real black man Brian Moses. I Love this. Yeah, we were smuggling Negroes into Texas now. Yeah, it was like 1865 heck. Yeah, it's the It's the above-ground railroad. We're calling it. I love this shit Joe Rogan welcome back to Kel Tony. Thank you very much. Have you here? It's COVID. He is fuck up in this bitch You guys did a

Yeah, oh my god, Freddie Gibbs went crazy. He might have got us all canceled For real and there was some parts where I was like, this might be an issue Yeah, you nodded your head a couple times. I was like What can we do now? When you let Freddie Gibbs on anything you got to be careful. I love it. Yeah, it's dangerous He could use like that. He could show up at any given moment. So come on, man I'm excited. You guys know how it works. We had a bunch of people sign up before the show Out and on their way in some people are here some some people's first time

Some people have been trying forever some people have been doing stand-up never and some have been doing it forever And the names are in the bucket if I pull your name out you get 60 seconds uninterrupted You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten You hear that hear that little kitten. Let's hear it one more time. Let's hear the kitten All right, that means wrap it up then or I'll sure gonna bring out the angry fourth street bear There it is I'm excited about tonight's show, but before we do here's a little bit uh about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode

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Here we go and your first audience light It could be anyone ladies and gentlemen. That's the craziness about the show lately people have been Signing up that should be in Should not be out in public But we're gonna see what happens here tonight your first comedian 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to alex frank and senior alex frank and senior Is first A lot of people socially spread distanced spread out on the sidewalk

alex frank and senior has a nice steady pace Very excited Here we go. How about one more time everybody for alex frank and senior Anthony's how we doing appreciate you uh Uh, my name is alex frank and senior Uh, Austin was pretty icy this past week, you know The the mars rover also landed on mars. There was ice found on mars for the second time also. Yeah Too many mexicans up there too. Here we go

Nope. Okay. It's austin crowd. All right. I'm half mexican. I'm from a south texas town I'm a half mexican and half racist so I can say what the fuck I want I yeah, but it's a weird racist because it's south texas. So it's like All of my grandparents grandkids are half mexican half black, but they have a dog named jigaboo Nobody really knows how to work with it I'm um, but I am half mexican. I'm not jewish even a little bit. Please I know What I look like whoever giggled over here

I know What I look like I like mexican. What you know how good my whistle is I To convince these mexican dads that I meow can date their dog I got it. Okay. I don't want the bear. I appreciate it guys. There it is right before the bear. He knows the show I don't know if he prepared for it. Alex frankincenia Dude, you started out with a lot of promise Did I stop?

I thought I kept the opening words. I was like, maybe this guy's got a handle on this. It's not good duck Yeah, you got a good look. You're like napoleon dynamite kill himself That's a good one. I thought you were just gonna say napoleon dynamite. I was like, all right. I've never got that one before Anthony good one. I add more smart funny things to the actual thing to make it bigger. Thank you. Thank you Thank you, alex frank How long you been doing stand-up? With covet, uh About two years

Okay, I will do you 23 Hell, yeah 23. You don't look a day over 47. I love it. It goes both ways. Sometimes I get 15 sometimes I get 53 Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Whatever your victim says, I get it. I'll take whatever I can get honestly. Yeah, brian brian Yeah, it is true very rarely does someone look like both the pedophile and the victim at the same time You look like you touch yourself You would I'd be touching if you jerk off you have to like tell your neighbors you're in their neighborhood or something like that Hey, listen What do you do for work alex frank you're 23 you're here in texas

I bartend on the weekends, but I produce bigger comedy shows for professional comedians. Let's talk about the bartending We're not it's I'm not lying. No, it's ever since ronan ferro dropped this documentary about him now. He's in brown face Yeah, where are you bartending? I didn't know they had bars and hog warts like what's that? What type of drink are you making spells? What are we talking about here butter butter beer? Only butter beer. No, that's a place called doc bees. It's fine. I know it's not a cool bar They let you bartend back there. Nobody's you have to check other people's ids when they come in No, but I get to make their drinks and that's my favorite part. Oh, okay Oh, come on

Why is that your favorite thing right because I he's done all pedophile jokes Joseph and I make drinks for people. So it's Whoa, I see the connection I didn't get there on my own I see the connection is there. I see the painting you were trying to make Most people would not have like put those two things together. Oh, of course Trying to graduate from pedophile today rapist. I get it. Yeah, you're drugging kids. You get there Take a step back step towards that keyboard and so you can square up to the audience face them face them out there

Yeah, look at that. So they could all look at your fucking Grandmotherly face that you have That unabomber energy. Look at that He sort of has every kind of bad energy if you think about it like it's like he could fucking molest He could rape. He could murder. Don't tolerate this dude. I know this has been a rough moment for you. Don't Don't let them take it. Don't let them take it from you. I guess it's been rough. Stand up for yourself They're not saying anything that's wrong. They're saying good Well written just accurate accurate. What was that mexican whistle you did that was the most inaccurate?

Mexican whistle I ever heard that was the inaccurate one. Are you really? I can whistle smiling. Are you really mexican? Yeah. Yeah, okay What uh, how much? I mean my my dad's mexican Okay, and your mom is what? Racist white. She's white just regular white. Yeah. Cheers guys salute. Cheers to you alex frank and cheers So tell us something interesting about you that uh, we would find shocking like what would surprise us about your life. He said he was racist He said he's i'm half mexican have races. Who who don't you like?

Who don't I like? Yeah, who are you racist against? Yeah, it's just like I said brian. It's fun racists So it's like it's just a joke. We like everybody but Our dog's name is like he's on the run jiggaboo Little orphan and frank. It's why I don't like you say my name though. It's very serial killer. You know what I mean? I like saying full names Alex you have a girlfriend no now clearly I'll be fucking who do you?

I'd be fucking Who are you fucking alex frank and senior honestly, whoever I can get my hands on Pillows socks all over texas I got silk sheets. I'll be fucking the pillows tony. It's Yeah Mild to moderate scream can get it This is very fun. I've always wondered what it would be like if a young bernie sanders signed up for the show I'm getting to find out. Hey, everybody likes that dude and they leave him alone. So it's cool

I'll take it. Absolutely. Okay. That that sort of makes sense. Alex frank Alex, what do you want to do with this? Can I ask him? Yeah, what do you want to do with this? Do you want do you want to do this for a living? Yeah, I want to do it for a living so I uh Can I get into the production part? Just without actually being a fraud about it. What are you? What are you asking? I got into producing comedy to produce comedy for professional comedians. So that way whenever They heard my name as far as being funny. It's a good idea. It's a good idea. Here's the problem Is that people that people that put on comedy shows are literally?

Yeah, the worst. No, I've heard it all. Everybody that's gonna remember your name is going to be like, oh, he's one of those fucking fucks I know I know that's I've been trying to fight that but yes, I'm moving to Austin in a couple months I don't live here. I'm trying to produce when I can on Friday night. Where do you live comedy? You don't live here. Uh, but I don't know. Is this lasting too long for you and me? Am I rushing you? Where do you do your show on Fridays? Uh, I have one in Brinnum every Third Friday. I have one in Brinnum. Get your alibi right, Alex I have one every first Friday in Brian and every Tuesday. I have a show in Brian

Mark Normans was supposed to be here last week. So okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, he's like, yeah. Yeah, I'll definitely make it I went from every Friday to every third Friday real quick. Where does Mark Norman ever skip the show ever? Bro, he ducked you It was the snow vid the deposit didn't clear. We believe it's snow. Okay. All right, Alex Frankensteinia You're a wild little one. I feel like it's about time for you to go turn into a way rabbit or something like that I don't know what exactly you're gonna keep it together, bro. Yeah Yeah, you're gonna be all right. I appreciate it. There you go. Alex Frankensteinia everybody your first comedian here on Kill Tony That's how it works. I pull a name out of the bucket. They perform for a minute

He came out good, right? Some good energy. He's got a good look. He's got a number He can blow on those flames Hey, look who's here everybody. It's Lieutenant General Zach Bogus Bogus Yes All right Pulled another name out mark pain. Yeah is next Mark pain. Yeah, let's see what happens here

It's coming from the pit of comedians deep in the back Is mark pain. Yeah, it's a long walk here in the antones Another uh another sold-out show. Oh, we know this guy All right, here he is finally ladies and gentlemen one more time for mark pain. Yeah Hello everybody Hi Man, I've had a lot of free time since this whole covert thing man Um, I've had a whole lot of free time

You ever like pop a pimple and it keeps coming back and you you pop it it keeps coming back man And did that ever happen to anybody man? I think I'm growing a nipple Yeah, it's really it's really bad man before this whole covert thing though I was on a I was a tour guide on the double decker bus here. I'm sure there's a bunch of new people here at austin, right? Okay, if you well, you might appreciate this then austin live music capital of the world That's the true fact, man There's more live music here per square capita than any other place anywhere else, man Wow, what a fun positive spin on the homeless, right?

Just like a tar on drum circle in every corner here, man, you know good for them for being positive, right? It really depresses me. It makes me sad whenever I see it. I see these men. They're so down under luck man They're so weak. They're so fragile. The music is barely live Give it a week The aides will win it will win man. All right. That was my time, man. Mark Payne everybody. Isn't he adorable? There you go Welcome to the show mark. You got you you've been on you were on recently, right? Yeah I was the dude that sold plasma and fuck fat chicks

You wait what the guy that sold plasma and fuck fat chicks. That's right. That's right. That was me does fuck fat chicks Moses, what do you think about this guy? He sells plasma fucks It's a hell of a resume. I think you should open with that next time Oh That'd have been a good idea you fucking eat fat chicks since the last time you were on the show That's a yes. No, no, actually, no, they weren't fat. I would have considered the fat day multiple girls Not so bad for a plasma. No, no, that's their pronoun. No, do you also be fucking?

Do I also what? Yeah, sometimes yeah, yeah Sometimes sometimes I get lucky, you know, I catch a break every once in a while. Yeah What's the wildest thing you've ever done in the bedroom, uh 300 pounds She sat on my face. Uh, she was 300 pounds it Wildest thing. Oh shit, man. I don't know. You know the one. I don't want to say it. It's embarrassing Go ahead. That's the whole point. It's uh, that's what makes this show so much fun Is that you're in front of an audience? Wildest thing. Uh, let's see. Um, I'm guessing right now

Oh, I would love to hear it. I would love to hear it. No, you go ahead. You tell us your truth one Wildest thing shit. Um, come on. Tell us the real one mark. Stop thinking about your second scariest memory I really can't, uh Mark, please. I'm begging you. Oh fine. She uh, let's see wildest thing ever Um, I don't know. I'm choking her out and she's grabbing me by the nuts So like there we go No, it's a give and take kind of thing. It's not creepy

All right, mark is meant to an assault You're a liar mark. I don't believe that's the weirdest thing cold case files are being opened up right now as we speak Shouldn't have said that I didn't want to say that but I did anyways. That's the wildest thing Uh, no, but it's what I'm gonna say Yeah, can you just give us a hint of what the other thing might be? Basically more of that, I guess. Yeah more choking. No, you could do better than that. Can you do better than that? He's like you guys I'm the night stalker Mark, I'm gonna keep asking you the same question till all the cord is bundled up around your arm

He's slowly wrapping himself up like a puppy right now Nervously It's got a noose already made Welcome to texas. Just throw it over the beam And this mark does it have a All right, forget it. I guess I'll stop You're not gonna get tell us anything about it. Oh, that one was pretty wild. I think right? No, mark How long you've been doing this? I've only been doing stand-up. Um, I think nine years in february. Yeah. Wow

It's about oh, no two years is ever Nine years. Yeah. Oh my god. Maybe next time you should squeeze her nuts and like her choke you out Maybe I will maybe I will Wow Jesus mark, what else do you do for fun when you're not fucking fat chicks? Donating blood. What's another hobby of yours choking people to sleep What else mark? Oh, man, I'm You know, I just read a lot of books man, basically

Books yeah, just read. What kind of books? Um cookbooks that the girls leave over his house What was it? What was I reading? Um The death of common sense. That's a good one Mike judge recommends that one actually. Wow, that's an a dropper guy. Yeah And uh, what was it mark? We're not we don't want your book recommendations. Oh, okay. Well, I'll just take what I was reading What are you fucking Oprah Winfrey up here? Who gives the fuck when you're reading book club? You know, I gotta tell you a lot of other people are recommending this read as well Um, uh, you know, not a lot of people recommend books here, Tony. Um

Oh, that's what I do for fun. Basically. It's not very fun, but it is cheap and free I'll just read like in run. Um, did you depress in the fuck out of me? Yeah, normally I write down like the topics that people talk about there ain't there 60 seconds I didn't even know like what to write down. I didn't even know what we were really getting at with killing me All right mark. What people in reading books? Yeah Well, I used to do the jiu-jitsu thing, but then the whole covet thing hit and like They do it online now. And I don't really dig that a whole lot jiu-jitsu online. Yeah, it's lame man

You know, you could read books online too. You know, that's online too and pretty lame, right? Where are you doing jiu-jitsu that they're doing online? They do it in gyms. Oh, they do now. Yeah They did they well those you can do both, but uh, I don't know man. You got to wear the mask the whole time too. No, you don't at this one. You do. Yeah You got to move to a new place. It's not filled. I definitely do but they will They won't let me out of my contract man. It's lame. I gotta like wait for the whole time Before I die with them What kind of contract are you at?

I can't It's the regular contract. It's like a gym contract. Yeah, that's basically what gym Aces aces Yeah, I think that's a hardware store son That's gonna be my first morning right there. I think I found your problem Just spend the day listing two by four and with fucking attendance Yeah, that's pretty lame. I regret that. I'm doing trying to run the garden aisle I love it out there working out with fucking black and decker

Just trying to fuck them and choke them It's where I learned. It's where I learned my moves. All right, mark. You got up twice in a few weeks. Congratulations. Good to see you again Mark mania everybody. All right, all right You're a good sport fellow 87 Alex frankincenia by the way age of 23 already been doing it two years. He's on instagram at rogue comedy Rogue man Living off the grid Follow his career

All right, your next comedian goes by the name of scott worton Scott worton is next. It's not coming from the audience. Must be the sidewalk You guys having fun out there, huh? I thought this was the rock and roll capital. Come on. You guys having fun out there Always works the rock and roll capital, huh Yeah, oh, wow. Look at that very unorthodox entry one more time for scott worton What is up everybody? How you doing? Make some noise one time All right, so my dog ate my lsd

We've all been there. Don't act like i'm the only one joe. You know what i'm talking about He started freaking out. He's like am i really a good boy? Do all dogs really go to heaven Hold on man if dog is god spelled backwards does that mean if i walk in reverse i'll become god Whoa These are freaking out. He's like hold on man k9 k is the 11th letter in the alphabet

9 11 9 9 11 9 11 was an inside job Pad dog no I didn't write that joke man. George bush wrote that joke y'all Wow, it's an inside joke Look at that. We've gotten worton. Absolutely. Give it up for tony everybody. Thank you. No. No. Thank you That was legit. Those were you had some funny lines, man. That made me laugh. That was very funny. That's how good it can go on the show That's incredible. I love it. Thanks for the time, man. Absolutely. You got it. You're so polite. You from texas. No, i'm from virginia Oh, okay. I know your friend alex more. Oh, okay

Alex more is an og comedy sport guy. That's a guy that did my podcast a couple weeks ago. I love it. He's the man Goddamn everybody's got to fuck everyone. It's your fault. It's your fault You did that shit I started a podcast because of you motherfucker Well, it's his fault and then it's your fault So you're just visiting right now. I came here for the week to do kill tony and to sign up for open mics This is the mecca. So I'm here. I love that. I was in la last weekend. I took pictures of the comedy star That was very funny, dude. You have some really good lines. How long you've been on stand up for three years three years

Yes, sir. You got a lot of promise man. Thank you. Thank you. Joe. You got a good look too I always wonder what it would be like if someone gave human growth hormone to nicky glazer I know what I look like man I got a clubfoot too. So it works out. Yeah, you can't unsee it I know I know I had that in if you're wondering I had that locked in my head five seconds after he grabbed the microphone I'm like, oh, I know I know one that'll definitely work on this guy Have you ever seen nicky glazer before? No. Oh, okay, when you do it's you're going to see it as well

Wow If someone gave her like the bane treatment, this is what would come out of the other end. I created a super nicky glazer Of all the jokes of a man With the extended body of a woman All right, Scott, I like the laser if she was a volleyball player No, no do the do my version If I meet her I'll I'll let her know what you said. I love it. I love it. All right. So Scott, let's talk about how old are you? I'm 29. What do you do for work? I sell weed really? Wow

I fucking love this dude I know you were my friend What do we what do we got on the menu this week on the menu this week? Yeah, well, I'm out of town. So I had to give everybody weed before I left. What type of weed are you selling? Can you give us some names of your strands and whatnot? Um, is this in virginia? Yes. Yes, sir. Okay. Do you have any of the seedless variety? Yeah, yeah, no, of course seedless variety. I smoke wax though. I don't smoke weed Bro, I don't like you anymore It's a cop. I like those wax people. Well, I already knew we knew you smoked wax

You could tell in the eyes those wax people problems. Yeah, the dabbers the crack heads have problems Hey, man, just because I used to smoke crack that has nothing to do with this. Exactly. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. All right. Good. Now now we can talk Oh, we got moses attention. All you have to do is say crack three times Crack beetle juice shows Just say three times How was it? How was it? Yeah, it's fucking horrible, man. What are you talking about? Crack is horrible? Yeah, how did this happen? How do you start smoking crack? Give us an example of what happened? Uh, so I walked in the shed one day and my dad was smoking crack

And then he was like, do you want to smoke this crack? And I was like, sure man And then I smoked crack. How old were you? 27? Like 15, dude. 15 years old. This story just got a lot sad Through the power of lsd. I overcame my crack addiction. All right. I've been clean for three years All right. Right after I started doing comedy, I got 20. I don't that's sad too. It's like you burned out man You should have paced yourself I got my cocaine stage out of the way before I got into entertainment Those people that like they go crazy and then they're clean like just are you sure? No, I'm doing comedy joe. Do you don't want to be a you can't don't you need drugs?

You could still smoke crack by the way. Very important. Richard Pryor was one of the greatest comedians ever nothing but freebase That's true. That's true. Exactly. Yeah Talked about today on the podcast. Listen, take a step back so the audience can see you square up with the crowd So they could see the face of a she-man over here He should do coke, right? You should do what? Coke. Oh, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack, crack. Very rarely do we get joe to prescribe somebody cocaine on the show, but uh, this is a this is a new one How long have you been cleaning sober for? Since 2018

That's not good Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. All right Joe was at first and now he's like fuck this guy. I don't care about him at all. I know I know stay clean Wait, so you don't crack for 12 years. I did crack for a long time. Don't leave it behind go back and visit it Everything about her moderation like an old girlfriend or something. Hey, yeah, maybe like an old girlfriend You broke up with and then you got your shit together and she got her shit together and you go hey crack What else do you do scott when you're not gonna stand up or podcasting or Fuck man hanging out with my dog my dog. That's my life. What's your dog's name bow?

Bow. Yeah, he's a boxer. Wow. How long have you had bow for? Fuck man, like five or six years. He was a rescue. I'm his third owner Wow, in dog ears. It's probably time to take him back to the shed and smoke crack with Keep the family Hello There he is. Oh We got him on the line. He's live streaming from virginia right now. What's his name? What's his name? Oh, bow. Oh, that's right. Do you remember bow or bow? Are you okay?

So stupid or bow. Can you have a dog coughing on crack? I got something right when you got there He actually had it the sound of it says dog smoking crack So wait a minute, wait a minute. All right, so you've had this dog for six years Yeah, and you've been cleaning us over for three years off of that means three years. He got to watch me smoke What was your rock bottom you were like selling fucking alpo being like we got we got to stop this but yeah pretty much really I mean, yeah, man You were selling dog food for what kind of crack are you getting when you fall off the bike you get back on And you relearn you don't just give up

I started a podcast did comedy because of joe. So I think I'm gonna start smoking crack Get back on the crack. All right for this podcast. You should only interview crack heads though. Okay Just walk around austin. That'd be lit Just call the show on crack And just crack everybody get lit up. Look if that fucking wings guy and get everybody to eat spicy food Yeah, for a half hour you can get everybody to smoke crack Honestly, I just call it on crack. Yeah, I never done if you go to or again. Do you think joey would do it with me? Me? No, joey. Joey Diaz

But if you go to origan, it's it's legal. Okay, you could actually Thought you were from or you get this whole look at everything up there. Yeah Do you ever smell burnt plastic and miss it? Like Sometimes You know, I know I know Crack smells like I've smoked crack before you have. Yeah once twice once Twice something like that. I used to date a girl once for two weeks

I used to date a girl that's uh her roommate sold cocaine And one of their things they would do is make crack, you know once in a while and then I was like, what's this all about? It was horrible. It was like the worst. Yeah, some people make cookies So it wasn't good. I'm sure red band tried the cookies too. It was like a dirty high Really? I'll bullshit aside. Congratulations on your sobriety. I'm just bullshit indeed and congratulations. Don't go back to crack We're just joking. I don't without a doubt. I appreciate your very funny clean. It's over. Very funny and congratulations on a absolutely Fantastic 60 second long set. It's not it's not as easy as it looks up here and you nailed it from beginning to end

And look you made this crazy trip. I always love it when the bucket Uh You know decides that uh someone is uh Is worthy like you instead of the two pedophiles that got up before you. You know what I mean? Thank you a whole different thing. Yeah, you made this trip You took a big chance and it fucking paid off with like 50 60 names in this thing. You got pulled Congratulations. There goes scott worton everybody. Thank you everybody. He's on social media at this is not underscore scott There he is. He's getting fist bumps everybody. There goes scott worton. I'm gonna pull another name out

Let's keep it moving along marcus. Oh lind oh lindy marcus oh lind Let's get marcus up here. Here he goes a nice steady pace Yes Hey, that reminds me brian moses and freddy gibbs are doing a stand-up show tomorrow at the valkan theater 8 p.m Here one more time for marcus. So lind everyone. What's up?

How's it going? I'm on circumcised. We're my on circumcised guys at Just me. All right Recognize some of you guys from the meetings, but i'm not gonna call anyone out. All right Meet every friday four skin fridays, but it's anonymous. All right. It's anonymous I think on circumcised guys. I think we're better at sex I do I think we care more about it, right got a little bit more invested, you know a little more skin in the game You know i'm talking about Hey, my girlfriend thinks my dick is racist

Yeah, my girlfriend thinks my dick is racist pretty sure that's because my girlfriend's black and my dick has a white hood on it I don't really know It's a kkk joke. There you go. You guys got it Yeah, me and my girlfriend we've been dating for three years in a racial relationship It's 2021 nobody's against interracial right anybody against it still the only people still against interracial relationships are racist people Because think about it when you have an interracial relationship, what do you got black people white people getting together making babies? What do you get you get what racist people hate the most? Mexicans Wow that cat was loud on that one

Marcus so lind hell yeah, welcome welcome. What did you just talk about you have a black girlfriend? I do yeah What did you just talk about? He talked about his dick for a little bit, but you probably blacked that out I did How long uh, how long you've been dating this girl? Uh three years three years. How long have you looked like a white supremacist? About three years my goodness. So this all started at once. Did she ask you to go for this look? Did she tell you that uh, she wants to uh, I kind of guy that looks like I already had it when uh When we started dating so you already had what when he purchased her how long'd you go that beard for?

About four years. Did your beard get stuck in her bush ever? I don't go down on her that much, you know You got to go for it, dude. You got to get in there like Like Damn, how long have you been not eating pussy for this is crazy. It's an occasional thing. All right. It's occasional You need to get it. I'm a solstice type thing I'm trying to buck the white stereotype that all white guys do it. You know what I'm saying Is it because of your beard just you just lingers too long? It does a little bit Yeah, shave that beard off and start eating pussy son. I don't know man

I Know you didn't ask for it, but I would say that all right. Well, why don't be scared of the asshole either I've never done that. Oh I don't know go okay. Don't be scared. All right. Why is it that you're avoiding the vagina like this? It's not that i'm avoiding it. It's just you know, we just go to sex You just go straight to second you can give us an example of what happens right before insertion Do you do anything at all? Do you credits roll an empire strikes back? Yeah, yeah, exactly

Dick just pops out of his pajamas. She likes massages. I give her massages before What kind of massage like shoulders? Yeah back shoulder, you know I massage your and then just straight insertion. Then you just go to the top rope like a pro wrestler pretty much Yeah, just go straight to it, you know like a ferret Yes, very much ferret. Has it always been this way or is it just with this girl? You don't like to go uh downtown I mean like when we started dating we did it more but now you got lazy I did I got lazy you need to get girls don't like that. Do you you need to attack that thing? Nobody likes a lazy white man. There it is. There it is. So true

What else what else about you marcus? What do you do for work? Uh full-time comic right now full-time comic Yeah, what did you used to do for work? Um, I used to work in finance for a couple years Really? Yeah. Wow. You have thought about being a wizard I have thought about it. I don't know if I have the powers man. Yeah, you maybe Start eating pusset. Grand wizard. That's my dad, but I don't know if I can He's got the look he's got a wizard like look Yeah, you from texas born and raised. Uh, no, actually I was born in germany, but I grew up in michigan. So okay How long have you been here?

Uh, we moved to dallas like two months ago and we just come down for kill tony Who's we uh me my girlfriend and uh my buddy who we moved with so okay Oh, you guys got some freak shit going on your house. Yeah, well, he's the pussy, you know I'll source it outsource it. Where's that man? Why don't you sing yourself? Yeah, what's that? Take a step that way in square Yeah, where's your roommate? Is he here? He's out there. He's eating her out right now. I'm kidding. I'm kidding Better or not fucking man. Black pussy matters. It does love it. Does he have that beard too? Do you guys travel like zeezy bottom? He does not

All right, where do you meet your black girlfriend out? I met my black girlfriend in detroit. Okay What are the odds? Where do you meet black girls, right? That's it. Jesus christ Wow There's availability. It's the most racist posts I've ever been apart of Yeah, finding a black woman in detroit is like trying to find an apartment in los angeles right now It's uh, they are available. They are and they're there and the price might surprise you. Oh very interesting I like your style marcus. All right. What's the street market value for fucking detroit black pussy right now?

Detroit black pussy detroit black pussy. I mean, you know, four or 500 bucks. Really? Yeah, is your girlfriend outside? Yeah, she is. Let's talk about this. She's gonna kick my ass. I know it. It's gonna happen But you're on circumcised so she she likes that. I said uncircumcised. Oh, you say that you do uh, you're a full-time comedian How long do you uh, how long uh, how much money do you make doing stand-up comedy for a living? I mean before covet. I was making, you know, 300 400 bucks a month paying my rent and then, you know, driving uber and other Wait a minute. Wait a minute rents only 300 or 400 bucks. This is michigan rent michigan rent michigan rent Like eight miles seven miles. Jesus christ. Uh, 10 mile. What fucking trap home is this? You could buy a house for 300 bucks in michigan now. Ah, you can but 300 400 bucks. We gotta pay the taxes

I was selling black girls on the side. Maybe we moved to the wrong place. No No I got some good deal on black pussy if you want to be mayor there We could be mayor Marcus, what's so what's your favorite thing that uh, what are you like really good at any uh, any you ever get a trophy in your life? Not even pussy, I guess. Believe it or not eating black pussy. I have a championship belt and everything No, I don't have a skill of eating black pussy. You can start tomorrow. I'm gonna start eating pussy tomorrow Yeah, man, just just set yourself up be determined. What advice do you have on eating pussy just like generically?

Here's why I think you don't do it. It's a rhythm thing and I don't want to go back to that old white Yeah, I'm not having rhythm, but I feel like she's like babe. Just put that on circumcised white penis inside of me We'll both come we'll go to bed. Do you know my girlfriend? Yeah She's equal, right? Yes, you could do it. You could do it do it to the beat of a song, you know, you know like There near near near near near near near or something like that Move your tongue around There it is There it is much much more beautiful

Or you could do it to the rhythm of a dog smoking crack in a shed. We also Maybe I'll try that one. I feel like it's more ass eating than uh, than pussy eating, but I'm not sure But you've never you've never uh, eaten an ass. You've never tasted the uh, the sweet sweet You've never gone down the old b cave. No, I had my ass eaten once, but Okay, I had it eaten once, but I was that was not It's the fucking white dj. Call it over here I don't eat pussy to eat my ass. They suck my dick and then we go to bed That's it. Is that wrong?

Well, not for you obviously I'm really happy with your progress selfish lover white boy rick. Why were you born in germany? How did that end up happening? I was just born there. It's just no not military My parents actually met in michigan and moved back there exactly nazis They went back to germany. They went back. She grabbed the white man from michigan and went back Okay, she's like we're gonna breed. It was a scientific experiment, you know breed. Oh my god fourth rake I was My girlfriend does think like I'm an underground german spy, but I don't know if that's true

I'm still waiting for my trigger word and then I'll just jump into the ship No, when you say trigger with this black girlfriend You feel me texas dangerous You love those double cheese out here. Hard are does she ever call you the n word in bed? No, she has not uh, man, you guys haven't had any fun. You know, I know maybe she'd eat my pussy Yeah It's true. This is all good advice. I mean her pussy and she starts calling me that I don't know what I'm do I keep going keep going. Okay, I don't know what I'm gonna do or should I stop should I call anyone one

If a black woman's calling you the n-word why you're in your pussy. You're doing something absolutely Just ask for instructions and shut your mouth. Okay All right, marcus you did it thank you man. There you go. You've been prescribed starting to eat pussy. There he goes Marcus so lend everybody. He's not on social media beard von marcus m a r k us Wow, don't you should grow one them beards? Trust me 20 years later. I've been trying a wizard beard. Come on. I've been I've been trying It doesn't take much trimming to keep this thing. You guys should hire someone to dress up like fouchy and change the microphones Hey, that's a good idea. Maybe we get a fouchy mask. Yeah, can you be fouchy for halloween?

It must be a halloween mask. We can make Zach wear a fouchy. Zach, you'd wear a fouchy mask, right? If we get a fouchy mask, yeah, they make those they have to of course they do. All right, they must Pulled another name out. This looks like a new one. Let's see what happens here j.t. Stockman Jt Stockman is next here. He comes coming in from the Socially distanced sidewalk a bunch of comedians through the room

How about giving yourselves a hand for coming out during a global pandemic, huh? Congratulations to you A bunch of uh risk risk takers out there All right, one more time for j.t. Stockman. Oh, how we doing? Shit y'all hear about that earthquake No, fuck that joke then nevermind I got struggles though. I had a pregnancy scare recently, but then I moved away She'll never find me. She's uh, she's honest. It's cool. I fuck with the arms. It's not bad Can leave my phone in any room and I know she's not gonna pick that shit up

I met a black armor student the other day. That was wild as hell. That's very rare It's like that's like meeting a Mexican. That's an only child like god damn Uh that girl I knocked up the up though too. She's uh, that's not why we broke up. No, we broke up because she was real woke She asked me she was like babe if I became a man, would you still love me? I was like, of course, I'd love you like a brother That's like we could hang out and talk about pussy. I just wouldn't want to have sex with you anymore She got offended by that. I was like taking like a man, bitch

Oh Thank you. Go JT stockman. Welcome to the show JT. How long have you been doing stand-up? Uh year and four months. Okay. How's it going for you? Uh It's going pretty well. What was this earthquake joke you almost opened up with tonight? Oh, no, that that's not it I wasn't planning. I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Was there an earthquake? No, I just asked that there's there's always earthquakes, but What the fuck are you talking about? Did you have a stroke? There's I'm nervous as hell I'm sorry. I like I like she had a stroke. I think so freaking out

What would you have said if everyone was like, yeah, we know the earth? Yeah, what would you have said then? You just would have been like, all right. Yeah, me too in other news joke All right, I'm sorry. I'm bad apologizing. All right, first of all So let's go over a beat by beat because that's what really stood out of the entire minute long set I never got over wondering what the earthquake reference was Even though you tried to move on I got stuck right there. I'm like, what fucking earthquake is he talking about? Was it here there? What again, what if you do that if you start with something and then you don't go anywhere with it

And you say fuck that joke right off the bat. You're in a deep hole Right away. Absolutely no matter what you do Like whatever you talk about when you first get on stage You either be casual talking to the audience and then when you go into your first premise You have to go into it If you if you're not interested, they're not going to be interested And if you're not interested in the earthquake, don't talk about it That's why like if you're trying a new joke out doing it at the very beginning

It's like the worst idea because if it fails the whole rest of your set everyone's gonna be like, what the fuck was that at the beginning? That's good advice except sometimes you should start out because you have other jokes But maybe something just happened and you have this idea and if you jump into it like it forces you to be funny Like it forces and sometimes that's the way you find like funny shit Like maybe you have a premise something just happened in the news Watched the woody alley documentary and you're like hold the fuck. Yeah, you have to measure it out It's based on what's in the zeitgeist right like last week last week I did a show at the Vulcan on the Thursday that all the cars got into accidents on the 35

There was a massive pile up and I did this wacky joke about how I drove from Fort Worth There was no traffic. I threw a banana peel out the back of the convertible Oh, blah blah blah and it went really well because it happened that day It wasn't like I went up there and asked about an earthquake that never happened So i'm gonna ask you again like what made you what there must be something you must tell us I think you have something and you don't like it And you're thinking that you don't like it, but I I think you might like it Now what there's really it really goes nowhere. Come on. Give it to us. Please throw he had a stroke

Immortals was just a play out what I had was an anxiety attack. Well, you know, that shit didn't go well either Wait, what Tony? Here's what here's JT's biggest problem, right? JT comes up. He's handsome. He's average height, right? Yeah, white. He's got he's got a good look He's like if Nate Diaz would have stayed in Literally yeah comes up. You're already like ladies are gonna be like, okay He's cool guys with the ladies are like fuck this guy, right? And then he does that dumbass joke about the earthquake and then he doesn't do it non sequitur He's just like, oh, I fucked that joke up now

The problem is JT you're handsome, right? And half these people don't like you Half these people do like you if you were the first guy the the frankenstein guy you can do that joke because you look weird You don't look weird, right? You're a print model. You're leaving out funny. So I get him I'm leaving out funny because that's not what happened. He went down everything else and was like not funny You're incredibly handsome, right? Yeah, and that's it. I don't know if he's that handsome I mean god suck a dick brine. What do you do? He looks like a neopatrick harris? I'm saving comedy right now. I'm getting this guy out of there. He's gonna go be a print model or construction worker I was a construction worker before this clearly. I see the thermal. I know what's going on

Where were you? You were a construction worker at uh, what? Uh, what the fuck's it called? Abicrom me a fish Teddy build shelves. What's the male strip club called teddy? You're not a geek though, jay. Chippendales Going there hardly give that homage joke fucking getting there with the meat first of all, you know You're a meat dude, you know, look at meat right here, you know going there and fucking nails What's going on over here? Really? So I'm talking to jay to i'm saying like going there with meat

Don't go in there with some like non sequitur fucking east side la bullshit like you're a fucking alt comet going there being like Yeah, I'm as bitches. Fuck them. They can't check my phone and then go from there get there with confidence You're a confident looking dude. It's true that earthquake shit. You did left you on shaky ground ironically JT is there anything interesting about you something that you've accomplished or a trophy that you've won in your life something that you've Done successfully something that you're good at something you've got a certificate for perhaps or that you moved up a rank or learned something In your life all stay safety. I got HVAC certified in the navy HVAC. Yeah, there we go. What's that again? It's just a cnr. It's ventilation there conditioning. Yeah, I run a mini split Wow

Holy shit. Yeah, he's on top of it. He knows damn dude. You dropped your fucking HVAC out here. You don't know about HVAC son I run a texas thing. Sure. You don't know no construction. I thought he got his vaccination or something What's going on? Oh, you got you got the herpes back. Yeah HVAC Just call it a vac for short. I think most people know what that means. Yeah Most people know what that means HVAC. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you fucking dorks all their father's Work in the industry. They all know what HVAC is. They just don't know shit about drywall They all have dads that fucking talked about Hard to work on the HVAC today

What the fuck do you people know about stucco? You don't know shit about cock. Any music dancing anything you sing at all? Hell no, I can't do any of that shit Anything athletically that you're good at? I mean, I just work out and everything like what kind of workouts do you do? I do body. I mean, I do body weight workouts. Body motherfucker. Don't try and switch me up like that. God damn We know you do bottom. What else do you do? Do you even lift bro? How much do you lift? Oh, no, I don't lift like that. I'm too. I'm the oh Shit, look at this. I'm busy working all the time. I got shit to do

Yeah, he's doing HVACs and everything like that. I'm off my dangles. God damn it and you're working construction. You said No, I work I used to work construction over in south florida How about now now I run on the mini split installation with my buddy out of houston You run the what it's a mini split just the another term for ac's Oh, okay, you're conditioning and then I know all about that Installation ac back fucking all the way. What do you want to do with comedy? Do you want to be a professional comedian? I want to get better. I mean I want to get better. I like to write a lot. That was the big thing You know, I'm dyslexic. So that was the big problem with that's an issue

That explains the earthquake joke Wow, you wrote your setlist tonight backwards. I got That's how it happens. Oh, so he ends his set with that. It all makes sense I can't after I say there he goes jg's song, but he's like, thank you earthquake. Good night. Good morning. Good afternoon This is a song called dyslexic heart from paul westerberg another song Someone does though All right, that's enough. I don't know what's going on right now. Nah, I was fucked up tonight Just building up uh anticipation back there when your name is called. It's like fuck

When is dyslexic ever backfired in your life? Has there ever been a time or a moment when it really uh when I'm texting people think I'm drunk So Okay, that's a good it's not bad Yeah Especially when you're dyslexic after like 1 a.m. Right? I do a lot of voice texts to text to speech son. Yeah, I've learned All right. Well jt, uh, hopefully better Yeah, hopefully, uh, you know, you learn something about how important opening a set with a little bit of uh Confidence and you know, you just got to fool him for a couple seconds and then work on that earthquake bit, bro

Appreciate it. Thank you. My name is jt. Understore Stockman on the internet Wow Fun fact there's a comedian named earthquake But and you might be wondering does earthquake ever open up with a jt stockman show? No, he doesn't All right Hey, look at this Put your hands together for thomas siska everybody

Right there in the front row Oh, wow. I do believe this is the young man that made the new texas bucket One more time for thomas everyone All right. Yeah You know everybody thought I was real stupid when I told him I was going to start a snow plowing business here in austin last week But boy, I made some money and for everyone else y'all hit me up on instagram born to plow That's born to plow um

I like to show naked and afraid Uh, I feel like they should switch it up a little bit like maybe do the urban jungle edition Where they drop you off at seventh and red river I just hope for the best Preferably in the middle of the dark winter um Or better yet, how about we change up the rules and we do clothed armed and confident where they just give you all the Tools to get out of a sticky situation

I'm gonna come out a winner I'm actually a little bit afraid of camilla harris But yeah, because her name sounds a little bit too much like kali ma The hindu god of war death and blood sacrifice Something about it when she's like talking is condescending her eyes turn jet black her tongue sticks out and she's like We gotta take it serious. We do We're not joking. We gotta get the vaccines Who's my favorite rapper live too?

There you go, thomas siska going over is a lot of time Do that joke. Welcome to the show thomas. Is this your first time here? Uh, this is uh, my first time performing here in austin for kiltony. There you go I did a I did a kiltony set in plano texas plano. How did that go? I think this went a little better I'm i'm i'm doing better right now because i'm facing the audience and last time everybody just stared at my ass so I was I was kind of turned like this and and the angle of the camera I was looking forward to not showing my ass the whole time so

Okie dokie. Yeah, really our own thing going on there. So so so so i'm already winning. Yeah Do you have a plow? Do you have a plow that you put on your truck and what's your number? well It's a jeep patriot And uh, but you it's a work in progress. No, I think I think it was joking. Yeah, I do Yeah, that's what I thought was weird is that like in ohio everybody had plows that they could attach to their trucks Everyone has trucks out here, but no one had plows to attach to the truck. Yeah, it's nose more in ohio It's a different different well. I'm just saying if you had that I can't figure it out when I was in a lest everybody had plows

I think the ice is growing every year. So it's a smart investment. So I agree whoever gets there first, you know It's gonna make some money Indeed it goes up and down the amount of snow that we get goes up and down season to season. Yes Yes So thomas let's talk about your real life Stand up how long you've been doing it? Uh two years two years all of it here in austin I started here in austin. I've done uh some sets in new arlands traveled around a little bit Done some shows outside austin and okay. What do you do for work?

Currently, I'm unemployed. Sure. Yes How long you've been unemployed for? March 17th when the shit hit the fan Right. What were you doing before that? It's working a little italian restaurant, uh on congress avenue. Oh, okay You want to give them? Yeah Yes, wow It was actually it was gonna reopen and there was like there was a shooting that happened out front and they made like a candlelight vigil

And uh, they haven't reopened since then Wow, look at that How italian is this restaurant when they let the candles when they let the candles for the vigil Did they at least put like some shrimp scampi above it and uh pan or something like that? Yes, yes, uh who got shot? Uh, the guy with the ak that had like the paraplegic girlfriend. Oh, yeah Yeah My goodness, I didn't even know this that one closed down your restaurant

Well, I warned her I warned the owner like a week before I was like, hey You know a lot of people are canceling reservations from these uh, these protests I guess they're feeling a little threatened. Uh, she's like really like, yeah She closed that night and I was already in louisiana visiting my family and that should happen And I was like damn there was a shooting there because I don't know about this ak 47 paraplegic thing Yeah, I know it's it's it's there's a lot going on there I mean, there's plenty of we can laugh at but it's really unfortunate What are you running for governor right now? The fuck are you talking about? Yes. Yes. Born to plow

I'm asking you to describe to the listeners who might not know the local accident. Okay, so so This man had an ak 47 and a paraplegic black girlfriend. He was a white man And he felt that he needed to protect her. Why did she have to be black? Because it was a black lives matter march. Gotcha. Gotcha. I was getting there. There it is. She's black and paraplegic Yes, oh, I'm not gonna make a joke. Oh, come on. Tony. No, you go ahead. I'm gonna think of one Yeah I mean, yeah, yeah, I mean put your nubs up, right? And wait, she waits Stop

I don't know what just happened. Sorry. I Tom is over here. Thomas. Stop fucking talking right now. Just look at me. Pay attention and breathe Did she she's the one that got shot? No, Tony. Okay. She did the shooting. No, Tony Well, how did she fit into all of this? She was getting pushed around by the boyfriend, right? In the middle of the street on congress avenue. They didn't have a permit They're just marching the street with guns and paraplegic people Wait, what's somebody on may I tell the actual story? Yes, please do Joe Rogan's going to tell the story. So please Joe. There was a black lives matter protest and the man was an uber driver

He was also a veteran with a concealed carry permit. He his his uh His uber car was on ways and it took him right into the protest He didn't understand what was going on. He didn't know that the road was shut down and he drove towards the crowd He stopped the car and the guy put an ak-47 in his window. He had no idea what was going on He pulled out a gun and killed the guy The guy with the ak-47 Was pointing it at various people that got too close to the protest because he thought that people were you know They were driving towards it like they were going to run everybody over. It was a

terrible misunderstanding and They didn't know I don't think they knew what the fuck was going on It's just a bad scene overall because the dude was open carrying with this large rifle And the other dude was just driving an uber and then they it's crazy that that that that whole law to where you're allowed to just carry around Uh, a black female paraplegic like that. I mean it is just there it is There it is Oh Son of a bitch. Did you think I forgot about you? No, I'm kidding

I just didn't know that that but I shut that restaurant. No, seriously R. I. P. And uh, yeah, I've been out of work since then. So what was the name of the italian restaurant? Was it mad because they were was he mad because they were in their like their parking space? No, no, no, no No, was it italian with the ak-47 didn't know what was happening and he was italian though This guy moves towards him with the car. He thinks the guy's gonna run them over So he pulls out the gun the guy in the car apparently this was what I read He sees the guy pointing ak-47 on he just instinctively. He's a veteran instinctively shoots the guy and kills him It's a disaster. Don't laugh

Look at this evil. Fuck the joker the real joker. Fuck Joaquin Phoenix. Look at him Look at him. But but yeah, so I've just been doing comedy since then I haven't I've yet to I have yet to do a joke about that Until we brought it up tonight. You said, why aren't you working? I'm like, well, tony, you know somebody got shot Bro, the cops are here for you. Just get the fuck out of here Get on the back All right, take you away. I love it Do you what did you do at the italian restaurant? I I serve tables and poured wine

I like to cook though, so I could easily get back there. But uh, you know, gotcha. That just wasn't open for me Well, were they hiring for you for that? Yeah, they know they hired me to serve so but I do enjoy cooking a lot What's your favorite meal to make? Philly cheesesteaks is like my like Oh, my favorite italian cuisine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for sure Philly italians make the best food nothing better than some bruschetta and some red wine and then uh, you know Delicious salad right and then a good old fucking philly cheesesteak right on chicken marsala You know, I do some italian stuff chicken franchise and bolognese and all the goods. Okay some cajun stuff

Absolutely. All right White boys love italian. Yes. Yes. All right, thomas. Well, congratulations. Thank you so much and thank you You made the bucket, right? I'm yeah, this is uh, this was a A nice little collab with me and my girlfriend And uh, we do artwork and uh, yeah, you know keeping the tradition. Oh, yeah kill tony. Thanks a lot for having me and uh Thanks for coming on thomas sista everybody. There he goes This is pretty cool The undertaker. Yeah, it's cool austin's own the undertaker

All right I hope I get this right tall nwin or tam nwin or TAL or ta i perhaps win n g y e n The asian kind of win with an n There it comes. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah We know tam nwin. This is the return of a it's been a long time since we've seen this guy. Here he is everybody tam win

Hey, what's up everybody? Can everybody hear me? Um, I'm gonna be honest I got really depressed doing covet because they shut everything down and I couldn't perform So I was just at home watching uh, Dave Chappelle on netflix trying to you know gain some motivation And I found out that Dave Chappelle used an n word in his comedy a lot And he would use it as like the punchline and I thought wow, that's amazing What could I find for asian that's the equivalent to the n word and I thought about it for weeks And the only word I could come up with was

accountant Hey, what's up my accountant? You want to hit the strip club and make it rain on them hoes proportionally? Girl, I'll do your taxes for some nap dance That's it We'll see you again good to see you again my friend. How long's it been? Um five years in spider house five years and that's right That's what we know you from spider house ballroom here in austin, texas We were doing live killtonys and you came in and fucking hey, what's happening at that place now? I'm not sure

I love that place so much. Yeah, I hope you come back because it was one of like the best place for comedy I'm sure it will you have multiple stage stages outside these amazing venues. I'm sure they're gonna. We're there with like tiffany haddish, right? No, uh ashley barnhill. Oh, okay. Yeah. This was when y'all were first starting out, right? Well, no, we started almost eight years ago Okay, but yeah, you were there. I bet it feels like you were part of the start It was your start of being on the show. Yeah, how do you say your first name the handwriting tie? Tie tie win. Yeah, tie win. Okay. Got it. So tyron. What have you been doing the last five years? Other than working on that asian fucking mullet you got going on back there, huh? So, um potty in the back

A little little something in the front and a lot in the back The hair in the back long time Bro, don't tolerate this. I was gonna say tie you ain't you ain't gotta take that time Throw a ninja star out of this time for action Come on guys. I'm allowed to make fun. I've known him along. This is my math tutor everybody. It's This is my math tutor So tie, what do you have enough to the last five years? Um, so I shot a steno special. I do a paramount

And uh, relax on the asian music. I mean, Jesus christ. I mean my god. It's okay if it's like under Everything but when Janice was calling me. It's just my ringtone. I didn't That is true. That is true. Ty could sort of be a stunt woman for your girlfriend if you ever needed one Especially when you're hitting it from behind. Yeah tighter asshole. I wouldn't really recommend it for the missionary position. Oh Guys, I don't think ties in on any of these jokes Look at his face. He's like this is the exact same thing that happened, uh, three years ago. Yeah, absolutely It accidentally and you get it. That's the fun part. I got it. Well, there's still room for improvement

Yeah, yeah back when the show was in the she part of town Yeah, it was we were up on a campus spider house ballroom So let's talk about it. Ty you've been on stand up now for how many years five years five years and you still got it Still command everybody's attention on stage. I know you had me smiling from your first words up here Very very easy to listen to surprisingly easy to understand Shockingly easy to look at for some reason It's great It's great. I love how you said Dave Chappelle

You added many many more, uh syllables than what needed on that but uh But we we got it. Oh my god So ty what do you do for work? I drive for door dash. You drive for door dash. Oh, yeah, we eat people's fries. Don't lie Oh my god, we got can you imagine this guy pulling up to your house just fucking Where is that?

Door dash here This is so uncomfortable This is it. What kind of Asian are you at? Look what the fuck is going on in this Kill tony. Y'all came to take this. You were just like back in time to the fucking 50s You were talking about that shit today on the podcast You were talking about this exact these are the jokes we were allowed to do in 2013 when we started this show and we're gonna still do up

God damn it These people these people bought tickets for a live show and we're not gonna fuck it up These people paid good money to hear that fucking Asian stereotypes Hey, you know who would be excited Stop this. What are you doing? Stop it. I don't even know what that racist sound effect is Listen, brian. I need you to be water my friend be water. Hey, you have a question

Yeah, you know who would be excited to watch this who would be excited to watch this paul paul paul Paul Provenza would be excited to watch this episode. Yeah, you're friends with paul Yeah, we met at the comedy store with paul, but I met you I met you before that on kill tony before that but we met again right LA due to paul. Uh-huh. How do you know paul provenza? It's a weird segue by the way He saw my standard special

Yeah, he saw it. Yeah, I sent it to him. Okay And then you guys became friends. Yeah, and he's kind of does he know your friends? Yeah, he's helping me on my documentary. Okay. He's helping you on your diamond ear. You want to make sure he's in on this Documentary to oh his documentary. I thought he said diamond ear. Do you know what i'm saying? Like paul might not even know what's going on here. Yeah, he might be like What? No, what did I do? Well, I can't wait for him to watch this episode. It'll be on youtube, right? Yeah, of course ty Yeah, of course, of course. It'll be like the weirdest thing for him a while. We're gonna preemptively block him. Yeah

So ty tell us more about your life since then you have a girlfriend Uh, no When's the last time you had a girlfriend? Five years ago. Wow. When's the last time you got laid? Five years ago. Really? Why is this a lot of discipline? um I just feel like

Stop it red band son of a bitch red band you son of a bitch you're going overboard Even I have to say pull back These are the most racist sound effects. I've ever heard you play I don't know if it can get any more racist. We're flying right into the mountain you son of a bitch red band red band this is these asian people Are very serious about their uh, did he answer you about the origin of his ethnicity? Yeah, well, what was it? I'm Vietnamese. Vietnamese. Oh, yeah, these people very hard to kill

Very hard to kill Did you say very hard to kill? Yeah Yeah, we had a war against them and they put up I might have to leave I might have to yeah, what are you talking about Tony? That was the worst thing They are the hardest people to murder put this microphone down and flee This spotify could only tolerate so much They they've been so kind up until now Shit, not to today's episode

Wait, did you see today's Freddy Gibbs went crazy? Not today's episode. Oh my god. We're sure getting canceled What's your favorite thing about being Vietnamese ty? Don't say the food um It's um, the lady. How much fun you can have being up here being Vietnamese There's not much fun. You can have it give y'all material to refund. Well, it's good and how about this? Yeah, that's absolutely true It's true

That's that's a secret to the show a secret recipe is during your interview give us something to make fun of The last guy did it you think that you think the poor innocent black paraplegic lady had anything to do with him getting fired At all. I don't think that was in his act I think he's just talking about that's what I'm saying is history. What is that about this telly? Everybody's just to point out like who the black girls are Yeah, no, it's crazy. I actually have a show Wednesday. Maybe at Vulcan. Uh, I would love to have you open the show Oh, look at that No, no, no, look at that. No

You guys do it Do it Do it you son of a now now now it's too much pressure now. He means open the show with like hitting a gong. That's Oh Oh, oh, I can't be fucking racist It's okay when these motherfuckers do it He's got a point He's got a legitimate point. Oh, I heard an oh, I said a gong joke. They literally fucking nothing but gong noises

They'll be long time. You guys lose your fucking minds. I say oh, he's gonna open the show with the gong everybody. Oh Why is that racist? The fuck is wrong with this? Why is that racist? This show is racist doesn't make any sense racist Like if a gong went off every time you walked in the room, that'd be kind of cool. That'd be lit Be so fun. That would be cool. It's like you won the lottery and that was one of the parts of the deal Every time you walk in the room what what other than stand-up comedy and Door dash like what else do you do? You have any other hobbies or anything that you else that you're into? Um since uh

COVID I've been running into cryptocurrency cryptocurrency to the moon Wow, what do you know what's up? What are you been doing? Can you give us any uh insight information? Um, I've been stacking cardano Uh, zilica v chain and uh, ethereum. Wow, you know the good shit Those are my those are three of my favorite sushi rolls. You just named right then I love it. All right, ty. Well, Jesus christ Stupid he's like for fun. I like my cell phone All right, there he goes ty win everybody the return of ty win for you longtime listeners. You just saw a uh old school legend It's been a long time since ty win go check out those old austin episodes from the spider house ballroom. We had fun

crooked f Beats on social media. I think that one was gonna be a real issue. You might want to add that one out No, no, we're gonna we're gonna actually extend that one. We're gonna we're gonna roll it twice This is gonna be choppy kill tony is gonna be the thing that gets my new play shut down No, no, it's not for sure Gross battle and kill tony. Sorry. Oh, yeah 100% those are two things. We're gonna institute immediately That's why I dated an asian girl joe Good call brian way to think ahead

All right, let's do something special you guys want something special All right, I'll do it anyway. Is that black pear pelican girl here You're you're not you're not that far off But uh a little bit off ladies and gentlemen it is now time for uh a regular here on this show He's an absolute monster comedian over 20 years of experience Coming from second city in chicago started stand up after finding out that he got uh ALS because he always wanted to do stand up and was ridiculously good at it He's been writing and performing a new minute on this show ever since

He's been killing it on all the shows here in town killed it on my show killed it on red band show last week doing stand up Ladies and gentlemen, you're in bread treat. It's a brand new minute from the great michael lair Fuck yeah Come on guys, you got to get loud from michael lair everybody Hey Fuck yes He's got this shit guys one more time michael lair Yo

My doctor said i might be an alcoholic Because every morning at sunrise. I've uh Turned rise medicinal medical beer, right? Like she said you might get dementia I'm a professional public speaker What i'm saying to you right now is memorize The rest of me is a fucking dumpster fire

What the fuck are we talking about dementia? Look at my hand. I can't even sign the birthday card of the sun abandoned How funny would it be if I got dementia though, right? Every five minutes, I forget I can't walk and I get um it just Collapsed to the ground like power to world 991 never forget

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, michael lair does it again Comes in every single week with a brand new minute Every single week so just to like put it into some perspective for you people that maybe it's your first time Maybe you just come here sometimes all these other people that you've seen tonight are coming with most likely their best minute of their career Yeah, tony and michael comes in every week, right, but ryan's man. I'm not a hot construction worker No, don't shoot I mean, I like your gloves on your watch mic what

Mike has great style. Yeah, thank you you um What a crazy fucking week, huh? Yeah I live in north arson. I live on my power I just stay on a hotel by rainy stream And every city has a block like rainy stream a party stream And if you're not familiar

It's like a bunch of gay orta tycoons Turn Turn the bunch of bars Into door houses So I really trust fun day rapists Have a comfortable place to drink Michael motherfucking lair You know what too?

We're getting a lot of shit. Oh, hollywood's Moon it takes is hollywood's moon it takes is on rainy street a burrito costs 14 dollars California's been here a long fucking time For 14 dollars that burrito better suck fine dick That burrito better be a fucking flashlight Oh Hey, hey also Also

Every ramp on rainy street Leads to one step Once there every ramp is there some cowboy way top ocean Oh, we'll give you a ramp you Yankee faggot But there'll be a step at the end Out of beer out of beer on rainy street bartenders like that'll be 12 dollars and 65 cents I'm sure I wanted the beer. I didn't need I didn't know I needed to bring a fucking abacus Hey, they're narrow bangers

Yeah, they are Hey, I brought you something Michael. I brought you some delicious liquid IV. Oh, we like to keep Michael hydrated Yeah, it's a big part of I got you watermelon and the new strawberry But those of you that don't know red band and I drink these every single day Yeah, especially after a long night of drinking or the morning after or maybe before a workout or a red Band's I work out red band after eats breakfast or something Is this a fucking ad? No, these are the you sneak These are the sneaking add-in. We're just sharing liquid IV with Michael

And I mean it just so happened what a coincidence if you use the promo code Tony you get 20% off But I mean we're just being good friends. Yo, I might as well be the blind guitar people guys person because I can't see anybody Wait, why can't why can't you see we're doing good about 30 seconds ago? Why can't you see anybody? Oh, we're back here behind you. Yeah Don't turn around is the great ace of bass once I don't want you to see my heartbreak don't turn around. Uh-oh You guys all sing different songs

Interesting fact about ace of bass One member is a former neo nazi. Oh, we should have seen the signs I don't know sometimes Oh my god How do you do that outstanding? How do you do that? I don't know standing. You're the best I mean, I just you know the best. There's no one better if there was a 40-yard dash for stand-up comedy I'd have a I'd have a medal of some kind. Unfortunately That's right. Everybody liquid iv just typing the promo code Tony stop it

You get a discount with the promo code Tony 25 percent. Oh my god. That's a good value. Absolutely They got roguin in there another sound these bitches now. Oh, yeah, electrolytes are important especially during this pandemic Yeah, man boil water notice. That's why I like the tangerine flavor. It adds sink all of us cautious people in this crowded room with no masks on Should be concerned about our electrolyte levels Absolutely, it really is Man, I hope I get to meet the dude behind me Hilarious How dare you you son of a bitch he pulled that microphone towards him one time the whole show just for that show

That's what she said Michael layer. Everything's good. You did survive the snowstorm. Yeah, I got a haircut Yeah, I went to an african-american barber And every time I go to african-american barber. I go Here's what I want. He goes. All right. I got you. I got you. I got you And then he cuts his hair my hair to look exactly like his And they and they knows everything I told them Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did this african-american barber have a was it permanent fried died late to the side?

I've never seen a black barber with no waves. Yeah, I think there's more to this joke No, um, brian, you're right. I took home my duri back there It's all I wanted to hear Mike. It could have been worse your your black barber could have been a female paraplegic Man It's hard to find scissors where hole is big enough for the nubbers. All right. Okie dokie. Uh Michael they are getting a fist bump there from that we built up Moses Uh Michael we are going to uh, we're gonna get one more comedian up here because we realize we haven't had a lady up today

So we're gonna pull from the bucket to get one girl up here And then we're going to end the show. That's on fun with you guys Wow, not a big fan of where's freddy gibbs The fuck is freddy gibbs not a big fan of the females this audience here You guys didn't mind nicky glazer on hgh All right, here comes zack bogus is going some direction You can keep michael you keep michael up here michael back up towards uh, you might Michael comes next to me brother. Can you come over here come over there sit next to joe

Yeah, when I said back up, I didn't mean just hit it reverse right now. I thought you'd pull forward first Up side life is so fucking easy for me Here we go Here goes michael Hey Did you guys have fun tonight? We haven't had a female up here believe it or not racist jokes this that aside We are equal opportunity uh partners here at killtony

So we believe that even though a bunch of guys signed up that a woman Deserves a shot even though the odds of the bucket are balanced against her from stevens and justins and charles is Literally a guy named guy Here we go Your final comedian of the night and your first female this evening goes by the name of ashley simon everyone Here she comes From the audience. This is very exciting Our first ever our first tonight audience bucket pull everyone else has been comedians coming from the sidewalk one more time

ashley simon So I've had epilepsy since I was seven So obviously I've got some good uh epileptic attack stories and my favorites actually whenever I went on a hinge date And we drank a lot that night went back to fuck at his place Uh, I ended up having a seizure, but I didn't have the heart to tell him. It's because I'm allergic to mescal I just let him think as dick was that good Um, but I've taken medication my whole life and it sucks so bad that I put a magnet inside of me And that helped stop seizures and my friend takes medication for epilepsy and he just gets random boners

So I was like that's not fair like if I were to take this magnet And swipe it to stop seizures like what would my ideal situation be it would be fucking orgasms, right? Like every time I swipe my magnet. I have an orgasm I wouldn't have to fucking like fake orgasms with guys from hinge There you go, ashley Ashleigh welcome welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Um, I don't know like There's a minute. Oh nice. Go ahead. I finished faster than that guy did. Um Hey

I've done theater for a while. I haven't really done stand-up. So this is your first time. Yeah, ashleigh simon everybody. There you go Stop this brian's playing strobe light videos to try to get her to have a seizure on stage got the magnet, bro Try again. So where do they put this magnet? Where do they Put this in small right here. Oh, look at that I've got this sick columbia necktie where they put the wires in that go to the my brain Wow That's why when disabilities am I right? When did you have that put in? Hey? Hey? Hey? Hey? Time out. He's not the only one

Black lives matter shit What you got I've been less you're retarded Fair enough. I can still collect a disability on it There you go. So did they tell you why you ended up being predisposed to seizures? Uh, just like a shitty luck of the draw Okay, it's like a dna thing. So the the magnet has wires and the wires go up to yeah, it's called Bet you didn't know that you're gonna learn something tonight. It's called an hvac. Nope

Fastest gun in the west dude son of a bitch You son of a bitch very fast It's a vagus nerve stimulator runs a wire up your vagus nerve and massages it all nice and sends electrical impulses to Regulate brain activity or some shit apparently I paid like $60,000 for it. Whatever Wow Medicaid God and it's so it's inside of your body. Yeah, I give consent to touch you want to touch it. Does it ever Run out of juice or anything? No, it's

It's not like an iPhone it holds charge for there's no battery or nothing No, yeah, no usb. Five years six years just like my iud Wow, you have an iud as well Obviously my goodness. Wow. I don't like to bleed on blood bed. She's absolutely a lot of metal in that body Cyborg hell, yeah You know wires the wires go up your neck. Yeah, the vagus nerve the vagus nerve. Wow. Why did they call it that? I don't know. I don't remember. It's spelled different v a g us. Oh, okay All right, works for me. The great joe rogan is here. This guy read this guy. This guy reads, right?

educated Very few people in the show's history have ever read anything. So we're happy to have joe here to Know some things. I might have spelled it wrong So, uh ashley you said that you've been doing theater for a long time. This is your first time doing stand-up Is this something you've always wanted to do tell us more about your life Uh, I did theater for like 15 years took a big 10 year break Just because you can't make a living off of it nor did I want to And then recently like picked up like comedy and improv and writing again, which is where my main passion lies

So I love that. I have no humility So if I tank I tank and sucks for you guys doesn't really suck for me. I love that your attitude is incredibly amazing It's the oppa It's such a good episode this episode encompasses what to do and what to you know things to take for Actually doing this art form the guy that didn't have confidence. Oh, you did spell it right The vagus nerve has a modulator of the brain gut access and psychiatric and inflammatory disorders. Nice My point with what I was saying was that the ag us Afford it to me add into any research like the earthquake guy was totally concerned about what the people thought about him

Specifically and you don't care what people think at all and you just plow right through that seizure thing That's the titty batteries for you They're doing something for the vagus nerve Ashley you're gonna get one Thinking about getting out of battery. Oh really? Yeah, maybe it's good power bank We can swap magnets make it weird later. Maybe maybe we works for you. Maybe maybe when you maybe when you get a battery You could give Michael layer a jump or something So Ashley, uh, you get a full interview here you're from austin born and raised

New Braunfels, texas about 90 minutes south lived in waco for a couple of years to go to bailer go Rape scandal So I escaped that and then I landed in austin about six seven years ago So you were there when the whole waco branch Davidians shit went down. No, I'm not a That was like in the 90s. No, you didn't know anybody 32. Come on. Okay Just asking I Don't know

That bitch might have started the whole thing listen to her super suspicious What's new Braunfels like 90 minutes south what do you do for fun down there? Just look up in the sky and watch politicians fly to fly out of snow storms. No Buggies Tube and Tuesdays that too was a whole thing like me and my friends would show up It was an open invite Tuesdays to a clock comal river. We all had weird front ends because we were just Tube jink lonestar the whole time. Oh, yeah My friend now you say always do the guadalupe river and then she got a parasite like something

Like went up her vagina and laid eggs or something. So watch out for the guadalupe. Wow. Look at that That's called anecdotal evidence ladies and gentlemen Sometimes you should ignore it. Well iud is protecting you from uh parasites and sperm. So there's that what do you say? The iud prevents pregnancies and parasites from the river. Oh, I don't think it prevents the latter. Okay, okay Are we are we calling next your doctor a little bit more? It's there to catch sperm not lizards water lizards. They'll make their way up the canal. It's dangerous Geico, how long have you had the iud for? Uh since i was 25. I just got it replaced

Okay, oh, you got a fresh one in there. You got the new model new ship What's it like getting uh getting a new iud or getting an iud? What is there like getting your tires changed son time out? I'm real excited to hear more traction Is there a boil water warning on it? Say that again. Shut it off What you say? Change them filters kid. What do you answer the question again?

No, I was just super excited to hear what they had to say about iud Is it painful the process getting one put in like tell us about it? well When I believe it or not We are not the panel of commissioners on the iud council. So never had one. Yeah, this is all new to us That's the problem with bringing up iud's now. They're going to talk about You just kept that shit to yourself. We'd be okay

no The iud does not protect you against iud jokes. Yeah, you once you say it It's on the table. What's it like getting one put in? Uh, you pop it in and guys with uh small dicks like to pretend to say oh, I can feel it when you can't You can't feel the iud guys stop saying that someone's body shaming. I mean my god Wow small dick dude shaking their head going. I was a fan. I could swear I was a fan Can't feel it sounds like a new problem. Michael lair has his hand raised. You want to share your mic there, ashley? Oh, I have a huge dick

And fucking the girl with an iud is like fucking the sewing needle Cool cool cool cool about it Would you say it's like you're fucking the Like you're trying to put sewing needle That's literally a needle dick and that's not fun for us Wow, well again body shaming is not cool

I don't know if you've been paying attention But prepare to be canceled Yeah, when she says oh, she means girls with iud is not you natural hose You could feel the strings attached to the iud though In your fallopian tube talk that shit don't talk Even after your own Warning red band still will prove that he definitely has a little dick by saying that he can feel it No, you can feel the strings. What's straight there's strings attached to the iud and you could definitely feel those

We all know red band and his big dick energy bro They're different things I can't feel the iud, but I can feel the strings attached. Is there a string attached to your iud? Get it out I felt the strings It's like meeting the puppet maker. Oh my god, you're mentally ill right there. I wish this didn't happen. Yeah All right. Well

iud no iud you did it tonight ashley your first set I'm standing at Tommy everybody Very rarely Do you have a girl with an iud pop her cherry right in front of you? But it just happened if she didn't bring up the iud you can never talk about it But once she introduced it it was open game. That's when it became a problem. That's it That's a part of the it's a beauty of the show Trying to find out those little fun facts about everybody's the hard part

Let's check out tonight's drawing from ryan j ebelt here. It comes he drew it in los angeles The camera flips around and wow Look at that Zoom in on that bad boy there. We got a red band break dancing Me looking as evil as ever moses And joe rogan look at that joe rogan Look at that badass jacket. He put talented artists ryanjebel.com for every single print including this one

So check it out there guys. Do you guys have fun tonight? So much fun being here in austin a place that gives us the freedom to be able to even do the live shows that we want to do Things are just going to get better and better listen to that big kill tony 500 announcement First live podcast to ever hit 500 episodes very excited about it. It's going to be here in austin texas i'll tell you that Thank you guys so much for coming out. Good night everybody. We love you Oh, hey it's a band john d's on keys

Follow him at john keys j o n k e y z Matt mulling mutation at m u e h t at i o n michael gonzalez mike agon's 13 And guys how about one more big hand for on bass d madness, huh? Good night everybody. Thank you so much ryanjebel.com for prints. Good night everyone Do Do Do

Do Do Do You You