KILL TONY - #496 - MIAMI #2 - JIMMY SHUBERT

Episode Date: March 12, 2021

Jimmy Shubert, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Michael Lehrer, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/27/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode, including video portions to the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We are at Antones every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road. And we also have a bunch of other comedy shows.

So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony's website is TonyHinchCliff.com. There he has his tour dates and his merch. Go to TonyHinchCliff.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe. You have everything there, hats, t-shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming live from Miami. Why not? The Miami Emperor, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for TonyHinchCliff. Whoa! Whoa, Miami, what the fuck is up? Hi, everybody.

It's me. I'm in the writer's guild. How about a big hand for Brian Red Band? Hey, everybody. What's up? Live in the flesh. Absolutely incredible. We're here.

This is only the second ever Miami. How many of you were here last night for Kill, the first ever Kill Tony? Well, congratulations to the rest of you that couldn't afford two nights of the number one live podcast in the world. This is our first weekend ever in Miami. How about that?

We literally traveled the rest of the world and all of America before coming to Miami. We wanted to make sure that all the screws were nice and tight before we got here. You know what I mean? This is no place to fucking just get good at a show. This is like Madison Square Garden. You don't come here until you're fucking ready.

Look at all the sweet, sweet Cuban people out here. It's the best, man. Tonight, a bunch of spicy mustard all over their shirts. They're excited to be here. Hungry asses. Little pickle, pickle stains on their white pants. Excited to be here. Fun times.

Ryan Jebel drew a poster for the Kill Tony Miami show. That's available at RyanJebel.com as are all the prints of all the amazing drawings that he's ever made. All the tour posters in every episode of the show. Fun stuff. Indeed. We have a very, very fun episode of Kill Tony lined up for you

and a random, we'll see what happens. Over 50, 60, 70 some people signed up for their chance to get up here tonight. Guaranteed there's some talented local comedians. Last night was amazing. If there's anything like last night, there was a ton of first time people that were, they were something.

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Incredible. Just incredible. Normally, we don't have guests on the road on Kill Tony unless we're in a very big major city like New York City or San Fran or something like that. But we have a special treat for you, Miami. Do you like special treats? This guy, truly one of my favorite comedians in the world.

This guy is a comedy store god. I mean, when I started stand-up 14 years ago, I saw this guy, a paid regular in the middle of the line-ups, absolutely shredding, and I thought to myself, I hope I'm that fucking cool one day. And it's been an honor making friends with him and just watching him. He is truly, I mean, I always have to say that.

One of my favorite comedians, one of the best comedians, but this guy really is one of the fucking best. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. You know him from last comic standing. Used to open for Sam Kenneson. Comedy store god. It's the great Jimmy Schubert, everybody. Oh, shit.

Come on. Jimmy motherfucker, Schubert. It's Jimmy Schubert. The great, the powerful, the Jimmy Schubert. There's a little bit of tablecloth clumped up there. Excited to have you, Jimmy. Welcome back. Thanks for having me, bro. Miami.

Holy shit, bro. Yeah, Jimmy made the move. Fuck around, bro. Jimmy made the big move. A lot of comedians going from Los Angeles to Austin, L.A. to Nashville, not Jimmy. Jimmy went L.A. to Miami. Yeah.

Yeah, because if you went against some, yeah, you put the highly a repress on it. You know what I'm saying? All right. Come on. Like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All right. So as with all the recent episodes of the old band

that all needed home in, you know, Los Angeles, California, Jeremiah's a baby on the way. Joel, of course, has a Latino family that he has to take care of for some reason. You know, they are. Somehow they have fucking nine grandparents that all need their little mi-ho to feed them cream corn or whatever the fuck.

Anyway, so there will be no band tonight, I do believe. But you know what? We could do something a little fun. You guys want to start off with a special treat, huh? Yeah. Or should we go to the bug? Special treat? All right, then we will.

Ladies and gentlemen, kicking off tonight's show with a brand new minute, he is the longest standing regular in the history of Kill Tony. He is here in Miami. He is the big red machine. He is William Montgomery, everybody. Oh! Whoo!

Starting off with a bang. It's really him. Make some noise for William Montgomery. Keep it going, Panama City Beach! I love it in the band handle. Russian punk band Pussy Riot just released a new single called Rage. I just hope my grandmother doesn't download it illegally.

Russian punk band Pussy Riot just released a new single called Rage. Long time fans are reportedly upset because the lyrics contain only Bible verses. Russian punk band Pussy Riot just released a new single called Rage. Critics are calling it the greatest Christian rock song in years. God said let there be light

and within minutes FEMA appeared. Tiger Woods is so bad at driving, he ended up in the hospital trap. Whoo! I didn't want to say anything, but Tony kneeled during the Black National Anthem the other day. Whoo! Any words there?

Alright. Oh, there he is, closing his set. I kneeled during the Black National Anthem? Yeah, I saw that. What is the Black National Anthem? Ghetto Symphony from the No Limit Soldiers? No, I think it's Amazing Grace. Okie dokie.

So William, you've been here in Miami all week. How do you feel, bud? I have parasites. I got a parasitic infection. I had some bad sushi two nights ago at the Shonies down here. You had sushi at Shonies? I did.

I didn't know y'all had Shonies buffets down here. You guys still have Shonies here? You really do? Wow, that's crazy. I haven't seen Shonies since I was a young... Oh, are you doing the winks? Uh-oh, look at this. Look at this indeed.

Turn that fucking dumbass shit off when I'm winking. William, what's your favorite thing about Miami since you got here? Probably all the yoo-hoo's. Probably all the what? The yoo-hoo's, the chocolate drink with water. My God. You make a lot of references of things

that I haven't heard of in a long time. Yeah, yoo-hoo's. I've been drinking them a ton. Can you only get those in Miami? Is it like Shonies? Yeah, I think so. How many yoo-hoo's do you think you've had in the four days that you've been here?

Probably a gallon's worth. It's like five little bottles, I think, as a gallon's worth of yoo-hoo's. But yeah, it's so good. If you could make an adjustment and add more water or add more yoo-hoo flavor to the yoo-hoo, which one would you go with? Yeah, I've always said that.

I don't know which. Perfect. No, which one? You know what, William? You know what I think might be fun tonight is if you just stay over here and you have a keyboard over there, don't you? Throw my keyboard.

What? Would it be okay if William was the band tonight? What? Okay. Get over there, William. Put that mic back in the mic stand and go sit behind your keyboard. You guys are in for a very special treat tonight.

William has, lately, the last couple road episodes to become the new musical director of the band. He is a one-man band. He has a keyboard and wanted to give the people a little example of what they're in for tonight. Are you guys excited about this or what? You guys ready to start this fucking show, huh?

Hold on. So you know how it goes. I pull your name out of the bucket. You get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means to wrap it up then or I'm going to bring out the super gay Miami bear. You guys ready to start this thing, huh?

Miami, I'm going to be honest with you. There's like 70 cities around the world that have had more energy than that. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show? There you go. There you go. Who's a little bunch of... Who's a bunch of little shy people tonight?

All right, kicking off the show. This seems like a weird start. Let's fucking do it. Jonathan with an H. The stairs are right over there. Yeah, you got to go up the stairs. You cannot climb up on the stage from anywhere other than those stairs.

Jonathan with an H. Here he comes. He's putting his mask on for this. That's never a good sign. It is Jonathan. Don't touch William if that's what you're thinking about doing. Do not put that on him. Okay, very good. This is it. Extra crazy. Here we go.

Jonathan with an H, everybody. One more time for Jonathan. All right, I was not expecting that to happen so quickly. Um, yeah. So... All right, no, because my energy was so... It was waiting for a long time.

Okay, the time started already. Fuck, okay. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please, I don't have time! All right, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry, I didn't realize the time had already started. Give me a moment.

All right, so... Who likes comedy? I don't have time, please! Who likes comedy? Great. So, the crazy thing... Sorry, knowing that the time is running out makes it extremely difficult to focus. All right.

So, that's the time. That's time. Are you done? I don't know. Have you ever seen... Have you ever done anything before? Have you ever done anything in public before, Jonathan? Yes, yes.

Yes, no, I've performed before. But I... Do you have the coronavirus right now? Or autism? No, I don't. No, I don't. I don't. I don't.

Thank you. What's going on, Jonathan? Maybe this isn't the right show for you to sign up for, huh? No, no. Oh, I have a horrible stage fright. No, I'm... It appears as though I have found myself in a real compromising position.

What did you think was going to happen? You thought fucking all of us was going to come up here and help you or something? What's happening right now? What do you think? You're storming a cockpit right now? What the fuck's happening? It's Senator David Tell that just walked up on the stage. What do you want?

A subsequent podcast film right now? Jimmy, what do you think about this pilot garbage? Brother, today he was filming an old place commercial. A guy shaking like a dog trying to shit a pizza. Relax, brother, just fucking people. Jonathan, what happened? No, I'll tell you right now. You can't even talk right now, huh?

No, I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm a little overwhelmed. Was the bomb supposed to go off a few minutes ago? No. This guy did not have a plan B. This motherfucker lit the fuse on his way up to the stage. He never really actually planned on having to do the set. It was supposed to go off when he put on the second mask.

Now he's in a very compromising position. This guy's bombing when he should be bombing. So stupid. Very rarely do we have a comedian on who shoves an extra t-shirt into his pocket before his set. That's a very unorthodox move. You're like the...

Do you hear that? That's a decision that you made? Oh, because of a bomb. It's kicking bomb, everybody. There's no bomb in there. What? Jonathan, you're done. There goes Jonathan, everybody.

Congratulations, Jonathan. You did a really good job. My God, the only Syrian Biden hasn't killed. There he goes, everybody. What a nightmare that was. What was that guy's name again? Jonathan with an H. Yeah, he's going to tell his family.

All right. That's some horrible improv class in Fort Lauderdale. Would you say Jimmy? I said he's going to tell his family he bombed and they're going to be very proud of him. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Hopefully this will be something different.

He's going to tell his family he bombed and hopefully this will be something different than that. Make some noise for Drago. Here comes a one-word name. Drago. Drago. This sounds more normal

and mentally stable, perhaps. Drago, just a one-word name. William, you playing music over there? Is the volume up on there? There is a malfunction on my keyboard. Oh, boy. Play some keys or something, then. Come on, Drago!

Got anything out here? Yeah. Just let him die. Ladies and gentlemen, let's restart the clock. One more time for Drago, everybody. 60-second sun interrupt. So, you guys know Joe Rogan's always talking about simulation theory

with Elon Musk and all. It caught me thinking back to when I was a kid and convinced I could communicate telepathically with my Dragon Ball Z toys and my teddy bear was my best friend. And then I remember being at like a 150-student

music recital and I'm there pretending to play the clarinet, field trip, day off school. I'm like, fuck it, I'm going. I don't want to play this thing. I can't even read sheet music. And at one point I'm there. I'm like, man, is this thing for real? If I threw a fucking wrench in this thing, would anyone really notice?

And so I went with it. I just hit them with a knife and I thought I fucking crushed. And then the judge at the end, he kind of summarized the whole school's performance as follows. He said, he's a Russian guy. He's like, you can have crystal clear glass

water, but you put just one drop of sewage in that water. Now, whole glass is sewage. My teachers went white in the face. I had Yo-Yo Ma's granny next to me bleeding from her ears from blunt sound trauma and crying. And I'm like, fuck this shit. It's real.

There you go, Drago, everybody. There's a little bit of comedy from Drago. I don't think anybody knows what the fuck you were talking about up here. We had a better time understanding Jonathan with an H through two masks and a very thick

Middle Eastern accent. Meanwhile, an American Drago comes. You don't really look like a Drago. Has anyone ever told you that you look more like a Colin or something? Wow. A hundred percent. Spencer.

There's that. I could have set up perfectly. You talked about Joe Rogan during your set and we actually have him on the line. Are you excited about this? Are you a big Joe Rogan fan? Yeah, no, I am. Joe, you just listened to his entire set. What did you think about it exactly?

That's nonsense. Wow. Are you a big Joe Rogan fan? Oh, wow. That's not healthy. No, I listened to the Tim Dillon podcast the other day. It was fucking fire. Don't lie to me.

There you go. He's very upset. Quiz me, man. I'll hit you back with this. Drago, how long have you been on stand-up comedy? Never. Wow. His first time, everybody. Wow. What do you do for work? Boring job.

I work in investment research. Investment and returns. Research, research. Were you like the guy that discovered GameStop or something? No, no. I'm the guy telling you that the way the U.S. government paid off its post-war debt

was inflating it away. So if you want to get long... Get long, levered real assets. Hey, listen. Take on as much debt as you can. Buy a home. Drago, what's your real name? What? That's my real name.

Drago? Your parents named you Drago? Yeah, no. Big fans of Rocky IV? Not even Ivan? No, no. My family's actually Serbian from the former Yugoslavia, but... Oh, it's... I don't think Joe Rogan likes you very much.

This is the risk people take when they drop his name during their set. He immediately calls right in. What do you do for fun, Drago? Tell us some redeeming qualities about you. For some reason, you're a big guy, but you're wearing the same size t-shirt as me. I don't know why you're

in a boy's extra small, but... Yeah, no. I mean, I'm in Miami. I got to get the Latin sort of look going. Is this where you're normally from? Where are you from? No, I'm here with my fiance and my two buddies. We're from Toronto. We fled. We're political refugees, so... Wow, look at that.

We're down here escaping the lockdown. Yeah, goddamn fucking dirty Canadians coming into our country. These dirtball Canadians. Have you had the coronavirus yet? Maybe. I mean, they never bothered to go get tested, but, uh...

Oh. Jesus Christ. I mean, I got, like, sick once in the last, like, four months. It was mild. I'm like, I'm not going to go take, like, an $80 Uber to the nearest testing center, have them stick that thing in my house. $80 Uber? What do you do? You live in a suburb?

I don't know. We're over in Edgewater, Miami. There's a surcharge is always going, so, you know? Oh, gee, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Anything interesting about your life? Any fun facts about you that we might find interesting? You once won a backwards rollerblading competition or something like that? Or perhaps you, uh...

want a chilly making contest? No, I mean, the sort of musical terrorism act there is kind of the highlight of, you know, what's interesting about me. What do you mean? Just busting up that recital by freestyling the clarinet

and just suing the entire school. I mean, that's... Was that the story that you told during your baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I didn't even notice that. It's incredible. I mean, no, I got... I had a minute. I wanted a massage. I didn't want you to hit me with the crazy bear.

A massage? That was more like a fucking shiatsu. Extra... Extra... Shiot. Okay. Well, Drago, that's fun. What else about you? Anything interesting?

Where do you meet this fucking fiance? What are you guys doing? What are you doing? This Canadian fiance of yours. Where'd you meet her? We met at the University. You met at the same university? Canada University? Yeah, University of Toronto. Wow.

What did you study there? I studied politics. Same shit as like 70,000 other people. What did she study? Political science. Okay. What does she do now? She's in sales. She works in like, supply chain industry and something like that. Warehousing logistics.

You know? Right? Jesus Christ. Some kind of like... Is that a bad answer? I mean, everything in life is sales. Then if that answer, I'm Canadian. Oh, gosh. I don't know. Did I do something bad?

I really hope I didn't. My parents might be listening to this. Jason Bateman energy. Yeah, it's true. It's like a gay Bruce Wayne or something like that. Drago, you're a Canadian. What's the most impolite thing you've ever done? You guys have a real reputation

for being soft little pansies. What's the most unpolite thing you've done? I don't know. I think that's sort of just like a big PR act. We kind of fool like our naive brothers south of the border with. Cool. How about you answer the question I asked you?

Think of an answer and then say it into the microphone. Instead of defending the country of Canada. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Nothing too different than the politest thing you've ever done. So, okay. No, I'm saying what's the most impolite thing you've ever done? Not get off stage.

Not get off stage. I don't know. Jimmy Schuber. Not get off stage. You don't have an answer for a time you were rude or perhaps not nice? I mean, do you see why the stereotypes true?

Yeah. I mean, I was in an Uber one time and kind of the guy who called the Uber, you know, my buddy's in the back, a little bit to drink. I'm like, fuck, this guy's going to tank my ratings. I looked at him and I'm like, hey, man,

you ever heard of prisoner's dilemma? Like, if you tank me, I will fucking tank you. So, and we, you know, we kind of, he gave me a five star. I gave him a five star and it was good. That was like, there you go.

There goes the Drago, everybody. He's back, Jimmy. Jimmy Schuber's back, everyone. Drago is gone. Schuber is back. This is an incredibly mentally unstable start to this show.

Let's start over. It's really, really shocking. Fun fact for those of you not paying attention, Jonathan with an H went back to his seat, took off both of his masks, took off his hat and put on glasses.

There he is, everyone. It was just a character. Pulled another name out. Let's go. Charlie Esturilho. Real pop from the audience. Oh, look at Charlie's table. Very excited. He's going around the table of food.

There he goes. Lot of energy on this guy. Prices right energy. One more time for Charlie Esturilho. So I've been dating recently. Going on a lot of dates. And so far, made a lot of friends. Friends with benefits,

but like, benefits like learning how to exfoliate or finding out my moonsign. One of them tried to be my wing woman, but she's not good at it. She tells women, I'm nice. Nice means never in coochie ever. I got no game, okay?

If flirting and dating is the game, I'm circling the arena trying to find parking. Usually I just give up, go home and watch the game on my phone. Yeah. I swear, when you're not hooking up, when you're not dating, it seems like everyone else is. On the way here, I saw a couple having sex

and I wanted to make sure the girl was okay. So I stared for like 30 minutes. She's okay. She's doing great. She's doing awesome. All right, I'm good. Thank you. Yeah. Charlie Esturilho.

Am I saying that nearly right? Charlie Esturilho, awesome. Great job, man. How long have you been doing stand up? Two and a half years. Damn, I love it. You seem like you're built for this shit, huh? Oh, thank you. Maybe I'm just shocked after the last two minutes. Maybe I'm just like,

what is this set up punchline thing these people are doing now? This is incredible. This could be an entire art form. Two years in the game, all of it here in Miami? Yeah, mostly Palm Beach, Miami a couple times. I must say, you have such amazing control

of the English language for a Teddy Rock spin. Normally, your guys' batteries die out. Thank you. But no, you did a whole set. What ethnicity are you? Brazilian. Oh, Brazilian, my goodness. You shave your pubes, bro? Yeah, freshly shaven.

You too? I love it. What do you do for work, Charlie? I am a loan processor. Yeah. What does that mean exactly? He's like a loan arranger. He hangs out with a guy named Tonto. Sorry, that was stupid.

I expected him to do that joke. I'm sorry. Fucked up. What's a loan processor? Whatever the fuck you said. Pretty much my company finances contractors and I just make sure they actually own the place where we install such a shit.

Do you ever have to roughhouse anybody? Nah, it's a cubicle job. I work from home now, but it wasn't... You're so adorable. You're like one of the cutest little fucking things. I mean, just look at you. What do you like, 5.3 or something? 5.5, yeah.

Wow, 5.5. Abs a fucking loopy, and you just have that cute little perfect little pot belly looking. He's like Tom Segura, preemie. Yeah, he is. Little pocket Segura. I've heard, yes, I've heard of. I'm a teddy bear, yeah.

You really are. You're absolutely adorable. I mean, look at you. It's incredible. You're like a little fucking croissant or something like that. What do you do for fun, Charlie? Comedy. I've been doing a lot of comedy the past few years. Other than comedy. I just get fucked up, I guess, mostly, yeah.

Oh, nice. How do you like to get fucked up? Drinking weed. Drinking and weed. What's your drink of choice? Uh-huh. Um... Lately, gin and tonics. Oh, gin and tonics.

I didn't realize you were a 50-year-old divorced woman. It's very exciting. The old gin and tonics. Something with bad flavor. That was my first drink. When I first started off, my dad goes, just drink gin and tonics, and then, if you don't want to have another drink,

there's no water and a lime, and no one will ever know. I'm like, thanks, dad. Wow. I didn't do that, but... All right. What do you like to smoke your weed out of? You joint guy? Take a picture of you with some type of weird little

like a bong or something like that? Some type of gravity bong? I mean, I won't smoke out. I'll smoke any pipe or joints, bluffs. You seem like you would only use an apple for smoking weed. Nah, just joints, blunts, you know? What's your love life like, Charlie? Uh, it's okay.

You have a girlfriend? No, no girlfriend. How do you get on dates? Where do you meet most women at? Either through comedy, lately, or work or comedy. You banging open micers, bro? Is that what's going on? You lying to girls, telling them they're funny just to get in their pants?

Okay. Thank you. Actually, usually it's like an old friend that's like, oh, you're doing comedy now? And then they come to a show and then, you know... Ah, the old friend routine. Absolutely. Ah, you doing stand-up? Wow.

You went from 5'5' to 5'9' real quick. You know what I mean? Seems so much taller on stage, Charlie. Hell yeah. All right. You have any special maneuvers in the bedroom or anything like that? You have any tricks to the trade? Yeah, he says,

you know, my balls look exactly like my face. He pulls down, and he's got fucking hair. Exactly. Is he right? Your balls have the same facial hair as Kimbo Slice as well? No.

No. Okay. How do you keep your balls cleanly trimmed? What do you do for a thing like that, being a Brazilian? Like... Can't wax those. Oh, just a razor? A straight razor?

No, no, no. Like a box cutter or something like that? It's just some old-ass, like, razor, I guess? I don't know. Old-ass, what is this? Why are you using this rusty, dirty razor? My God. He should really switch to one of our sponsors.

That's true. Oh, true. Yeah, the amazing people over at you know it, we know it, we all love it. No doubt about it. This is going to definitely be edited this part right here.

There's going to be a little jump. There's going to be a little jump. What the fuck is it? Are you talking about Harry's Tony? Yeah, no, of course. Yeah, you should use Harry's. We use it. And right now, new customers could get a Harry Starter set

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That's right, from scarries to Harry's. I love to be a sponsor. All right, well, Charlie Estarillo, absolutely incredible job way to come up here and do real. Thank you so much. Two years. You're really good, man. Fun stop. There goes Charlie.

He's on social media at Murph Chuck. All one word and you are pH. So adorable. You guys having fun out there? William, did we figure out the technical difficulties with your keyboard? I couldn't hear anything. He fucking said.

Did we figure out the technical difficulty? Yeah, I'm going to try to figure it out. I'm going to try to figure it out. It's a real conundrum, huh? I'm going to try to figure it out. Put your mouth microphone away from the other microphone. Shut up, Red Band. Okay, William, relax a little bit.

Take a breath. Yeah, I'm on edge. Okay, very good. Pull it on the name out. Make some noise for Jack Long, everyone. Here we go. Here comes Jack Long. There it is. Just let it play, William. William, turn it up.

This is good, isn't it? Pull that microphone closer to the wall. Closer to the wall. Even closer to the wall. There you go. Now turn it towards you. Make some noise for Jack Long, everybody. It's Jack Long.

Make some noise for Kill Tony. Jeez, I did not expect to get paked. I grew up in South Florida and it's weird because I'm always like the token white guy so you get all the immigrant questions, you know? Like, where are you from?

Here. Where are your parents from? Here. Where are your grandparents from? Here. I mean, do you guys want to go back to the Mayflower or something? I mean, I don't know. There's probably some mix somewhere.

Like, when I first moved, we moved out from Indiana when I was about 10 and my best friend's mom came up to us and was like, oh, your kids speak really good English. It's like, yeah, we've been speaking it

since we were born. That's how that works. I don't know, I haven't done stand-up in like two years, so. You still remember when a minute is, though. That's good. Jack Long. You haven't done it in two years.

How long were you doing it before that? Like, year and a half or so. Okay, year and a half. All of it here, obviously, in South Florida. You've never done anything outside of South Florida. Not really. You go on boats a lot? My dad used to work for the cruise lines.

Okay. That's why I was just feeling juice from you, so. Now that explains it. Father worked in cruises. What do you do, Jack? I work in property management. Property management? Wow.

That means you're the manager of like an apartment building? So on sweets. So wheelie space to hairstylists and barbers and what not. You exclusively only work with hairstylists and barbers? Waxers, anything in the health, beauty and wellness.

Wow. That must be hard to pick out properties for those types of people, huh? Well, it's all like one little... I mean, I don't want to give the company name out. Supercuts. That's our competitor. Fantastic sands.

There you go. Jack, why did you stop stand-up comedy two years ago? Honestly, I just had too much work on my plate and yeah, I couldn't stay out till like... Too much property to manage? Yeah, I was in the upper third location, so... Did you ever think about trimming

just a little bit off the sides of your workload? I don't know, maybe. Okay. All right. Do you like your job? Yeah. What was that, a snake? Cutting his hair.

Oh, okay. Okay. It sounds more like an electric drill, but I guess that's a hair trimmer tonight. You cheated. Guess that's a hair trimmer. What do you do for fun, Jack?

Well, spend time with my girlfriend, Melissa. Wow, Jesus. What are you about to propose to her right now? No. Well, I thought you'd never ask. My girlfriend is in the audience tonight.

Yeah, I've been getting really into electric scooters. Like, I bought a $1,500 electric scooter, the... Oh, you want to talk e-bikes? Yeah. Listen to how you just breathed into the microphone.

It's incredible. Seeing you become a fat man is one thing, but hearing you get fatter is really incredible. Let's stop. Let's talk about e-bikes. 500 episodes ago, you did not breathe like that. Yeah. What did you say about scooters?

It's like an electric kick scooter. The one I have ordered will go like 35 miles an hour. Oh, wow. Look at that. I'm pretty sure I just saw your girlfriend leave in the back of the room. I don't blame her. Well, you know, Tony,

I'm just really excited about this new, much faster scooter I got. What a dork. I'd expect that from the Canadian, but not from you, Jack. You're a goddamn red state of America. Get off the scooter and get yourself a Chevy Silverado.

Hell yeah, Jack. Where'd you meet your girlfriend? Bumble. You met her what? Bumble, like the app. Oh, I thought you said butthole at first. I'm like, wow. Straight to the butt, huh?

The new first base with Jack Long. Your father did raise you like he worked on cruise ships. Met her on Bumble, so she approved you, right? And then what? Apparently. It was at a rooftop bar in Fort Lauderdale.

Okay, how did that work? Worked pretty well. Yeah, you would you get laid that night? A few dates after that. Okay, look at you. After she saw your scooter. I love it, Jack, I love it. So you just had too much work on your plate,

but you seemed pretty good at this. I mean, two years ago you just straight up quit. What made you want to come back tonight? Honestly, I just saw it on Twitter and I hadn't actually really gone out with Melissa since the whole shutdown. So it's like...

You haven't gone out since the shutdown? I mean, we've been to, like, a couple restaurants in Tampa. You shared a microphone tonight with Jonathan with an H. You just went from zero to a corona real fast, bro. Like, I'm actually high risk. I haven't been out in eight months. Yeah, I had it, like,

started the month. It was okay. Wouldn't recommend. That's fine. Alright, Jack, well, this was fun. It's always fun when we have, you know, it's always fun to have one of

Donald Trump's sons on the show. I know you're really here because Mar-a-la goes down the street, so... That's your father talking. Yeah. That's the president of the United States. That's the former president of the United States. Sorry, President Trump.

Alright. Jack, this was good. Congratulations on your return. Two years, he's back. Jack Long. Wow. It's hard to take that much time off.

Jimmy, have you ever taken any, like, long periods of time off from stand-up comedy? No, never. I open a refrigerator, the light comes on. 15 minutes. That's the kind of entertainer I am. Dan Queso

is next on Kill Tony. He makes some noise for Dan Queso. Here he comes. Very confident struck to this stage. I'm excited about this. Beaming with confidence. I feel like he's going to have real stage control. Here he is.

One more time for Dan Queso, everybody. Alright. It's Queso, but that doesn't matter. Hello, everybody. It's a white privilege to be here tonight. My name is Dan Queso. I've been smoking a lot

of dab cartridges lately. You got any dab cartridges? And, um, after running out of a couple, I kind of realized these things are a lot like life. In the beginning, you're like, oh, my God, this is amazing.

This is going to last forever. And then by the end of it, I'm just like, this is clearly so empty. Why am I still trying to get anything out of this? But, um, I'm not always depressed. Sometimes I'm actually really happy. Like, too happy.

I actually suffer from manic depressive disorder. Yeah. Which, if you don't know, that means sometimes I'm manic, and then the rest of the time, I'm all out of Adderall. One minute, ten seconds for Dan Queso.

Queso. Absolutely, I got it. Dan Queso, welcome to the show. How long have you been on stand-up? Uh, I guess I'm in my fourth year. Wow. My goodness, your voice got deeper during this interview part of the show, huh?

Yeah, I don't like to come off too confident or eager on stage. Because I feel like half the crowd is usually like, fuck this guy. You're the type of guy that should be named Draga. That's what I was thinking, man. Yes, yes. Damn, dude, you're 100% right.

I was sitting in my chair like, I will break him. This fucking big motherfucker. 100% 100%, absolutely. His set was a little rocky, wouldn't you say? Oh, look at that.

Look at that, that's good. That's great. And he's going, your set was a little cheese-dippy Queso. You can play that game, all right. Dan Casso, absolutely. Fun, fun, fun. How do you work, Dan?

I work at, I do event set up. You're still just collecting your residual checks from all the Home Alone movies? No, but like McCully, I did get addicted to heroin anyway. Did you? Yeah, I'm from New Jersey. I came down seven years ago. Wow, hell yeah.

Absolutely. My goodness. I've never seen a heroin addict come out of the other end of Jane Lynch. It's incredible. Incredible. Heroin turned you into a 40-year-old lesbian. It's mind-boggling. It's the fountain of youth.

If it doesn't kill you, it makes you young forever. You're great, Dan. Look at you, you just fire back jokes like a real comedian. This is incredible. My goodness. It's cool as fuck to be here, man. This is really dope. What did you say you did for work?

A retirement HOA. I do sound and light and event set up. A retirement what? HOA, Home Owners Association, property management. Oh, okay, okay. But more for like retired people. Old Jews and Italians from the Northeast. Okay, all right.

People that'll pay their bills. You know what I'm talking about? The most wonderful people on the planet to work for. Yeah, yeah. It must be tough out there, right, Dan? Must be tough on those streets with all those old Jewish people.

Yeah, those 55 plus communities are rough, bro. They can't see anything and they can't hear anything. Ha! Ha! I'm doing a sound and light slate. But sometimes you get Robert Klein. I get to do lighting for Robert Klein.

Oh, that's awesome. That's super cool. What's your love life like? Dan, you seem like a good looking young man. Yeah, I got a girlfriend. You don't seem very excited about it all. Jesus Christ. How many weeks away are you from dumping this broad? Might be days by the sun.

Yeah, I got a girlfriend, Tony. I'm busting my balls. The other guy's like, well, she's actually sitting right out there. He dropped her name three times. I just know for sure she's going to see this. I should not know that your girlfriend's name is Melissa. Yeah, Melissa. Meanwhile, Dan doesn't even remember

his girlfriend's name. You don't have to worry about it. Yeah, I think I'm still with her. It's Melanie. Shout out, Melanie. Oh, there you go. Wow. Someone just got himself an uncomfortable hand job. Oh, there she is. She's on the line right now, laughing. I don't know if there's such a thing as a comfortable hand job.

When's the last time you got a hand job? You're like, this is exactly what I wanted. I'm so relaxed. It is incredible. Yeah, I know. You can always do better by yourself. Yeah, for sure. No one knows how to jerk my dick off better than me. It's shocking to me that pot is still illegal places,

but hand jobs aren't. For sure. You ever get hit on by any of the old Jewish women at your retirement home, or... Yeah, yeah. It took a... I've been there about six years, and it took, like, three for me to say, like, come on, don't touch me. Really?

I mean, there's not even that old lady with a nice touch. Spectacular! Yeah. You're wonderful, Danny. You're the best thing that ever happened to this community. Now, did you ever say, you want me to come over there and knock some dust off that rug for you? Let me come over there

and knock some dust off that rug for you. Dan, what else about your entire life would surprise us about you? What's something about, perhaps, your family or the way you were raised or anything that happened to you? Any special fun facts about you? Wow.

Hilarious. She's dead. How'd your mom die? She killed herself after she found out he was her son. No, Jimmy. God, I'm kidding. No, I waited till after she died to start doing stand-up, for sure. Like, you couldn't do that to her.

Yeah, how did she die? Yeah, this is hilarious. She got a walking case of bronchitis and was dead in 16 hours from MRSA. The hospital killed her. Pretty good. She got a case of walking bronchitis? Yeah, she had a shitty immune system.

She didn't really feel well in my whole life. This is awesome. I love it. This is the first time I've ever even went up at the Miami Improv and I'm talking about my dead mom with Tony Hinchcliffe. How about that? That's what it's all about. Yeah, you're saving them $400 in therapy right now. Yeah.

My God, that had to be rough. How long ago did that happen? Yesterday. Right before I came down, about seven years ago. It's going on eight. Yeah, this would be eight years November. She died two days after my 22nd birthday. Damn. 11, 12, 13, yeah.

Wow. My goodness gracious. Is that why you work at the retirement home to get, you know, to help like people right before they're about to die and then sell their engagement rings? Yeah, I'm trying to be the son to them I could never be to my mother. There you go.

Well, I'm sure your mom is looking up right now laughing at loving that you're up here. You killed it tonight. You killed it during the interview part. You killed it all the way. Thank you so much.

Thank you for coming down here. Thank you. Dan Casso everybody. He's on Instagram. Dan Casso stuff. That's C-A-S-O. All one word. Dan Casso stuff. Oh well. John and them with an H just gave him a hug.

My goodness. I'm sure that's really going to make him feel better about the loss of his mother. Walking bronchitis. My God. That's just sounds frightening, right? Yeah. I mean like, wow. Walking bronchitis.

It's worse than regular bronchitis. Yeah. Walking bronchitis. All right. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Jimmy Mack everybody. Jimmy Mack is next. Here we go. Oh, shit.

Oh, this party's about to fucking turn up right now. No doubt about it. I've hosted this show long enough to know that for whatever reason this is going to be great. Make some noise one more time people for Jimmy Mack. I'm going to change the way you think

about credit cards for the rest of your life and you're going to thank me when I'm done. I'm a small business owner. A few years ago we got the new chip machine with the credit cards. First day blew my mind. The most beautiful woman I ever saw came in my store. I had to run a transaction.

The first thing out of her mouth was let me know when you're ready I'm standing there. I don't know what to say. She goes, you okay? And I say, yeah, nobody said anything. Meet for a long time. She said, well, let me know when you're done.

I'll take it out. So the next transaction didn't go so good. It was my gay hairdresser. He came in and grabbed my equipment put it in before I even knew it was going on pulled it out and I'm all confused and I'm looking at him and he's going, what's wrong?

I said, you took it out too soon. I couldn't run the train. I couldn't run the transaction. He goes, well, I need to put it back in. I said, yeah, unfortunately. The next lady came in and she says, wow, your equipment's really small.

I just came back from Publix. They have big black ones there. Whoa, look at you, Jimmy Mack. Getting out on a laugh. Oh, getting out on a laugh. Like a real pro. How long have you been on stand up? I've done it once

on my birthday when I turned 50 and I had 12 people there. Wow, look at that. It's a little bit better, huh? How long ago did you turn 50? How old are you now? 56. You look younger than some of the heroin addicts

that were on today's show. It's incredible. I sniffed glue for a living. Is that true? Well, I'm a shoe cobbler. You're a shoe cobbler? Wow, look at that. He's got all the work jokes.

My goodness, that's incredible. I didn't realize that you could be 50, what is it, 56? 56 years old and still be born in the 1600s. That's incredible. Bro, Cobbler probably fixed shoes. Yeah, he built Pinocchio.

What's your backup plan? Blacksmith? Yeah. Going to go build on the new railroad network? Going to go double down on the newest paper business? It's going to be booming. Paper's going to be around for a long time. A shoe cobbler.

What kind of money are you raking as a shoe cobbler? Well, you know, like any other business, you do it right, you can do pretty good. My grandfather started in 1918, so we've been around a long time. Wow, was your father also a shoe cobbler? Yes. And is your son a shoe cobbler?

He's playing with the new NFL football. Just signed a contract in Europe. Wait, what? This guy's an NFL football player? NFL Europe. He's a kicker? He's a kicker, right? No, he's a quarterback. Wow, really? Where's he playing at?

Hamburg. Oh. Oh. That NFL. All right. What's that mean? It's soccer, right? No, it's the new NFL starting a league over there.

Oh, that's awesome. Thank you so much. How about a big hand for Mimi and the entire staff here at the Miami Ambrose? Please make sure you tip these people. This pandemic is crazy. They cut down, you know, they give less people than ever before.

Jimmy Schubert wants a drink. Yeah, give it a vodka soda, please. Let me get a chance. Beautiful. Got the cobbler here. You get a lot of pussy in the cobbler business? You ever get a little peach cobbler? You know what I'm talking about? Well...

All I can say is thank God I got the credit card machine. That's the only thing that keeps me going. Really? Is that true? Are you single? No, I've been married 33 years. 33 years? Wow, look at that. You're making fucking quarterbacks over here. He comes from a long line of cobblers. His great-great-grandfather was a gay guy.

He was a fruit cobbler. If they come to this country and build some... I'm sorry. You want me to do a minute? I'm kidding. Shoe cobbler. I think they won it, Jimmy. You be careful what you fucking asked for

on this show. So, Jimmy Mack, what else throughout your entire life would surprise us to know about you? You've been cobbling shoes, but what else throughout your entire thing? Do you ever have any fun hobbies or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows a few magic tricks.

Am I correct? I don't do any magic. I find it hard. Yeah, whatever. He made him a real boy. I collected baseball cards for a lot of years, but I just sold them and bought a 1980 Trans Am. Whoa, 1980.

I always had a feeling you were into those trans fucking... Yeah. That's the only kind of trans I can be. Really? It's a Trans Am. All right, 1980 Trans Am. Can you do an impression of it when the engine starts? You can put your mouth up to that microphone

and make a noise like the Trans Am. When you start your Trans Am, what does it sound like? My voice is that deep. Yeah, there we go. I love it. I love it. And you still bang an old Hamburg's mom over here, huh?

How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom after 30-plus years? It's a secret. Oh, wow. He uses a shoehorn. Yeah. There we go. Like a cobbler.

Yeah, shoehorn. That's good. Any secrets? I'm serious. I want to know if you have any... There's maybe some people married 20 years here that are running out of steam. Well, yeah, I'll give you some good advice on that.

You marry, you know, find someone you're good friends with and that you're compatible with. Because I tell you, if everything's passion all the time, when the passion's not there, you're fighting all the time. My wife never nags me. I can do what I want.

She does what she wants. We're best friends. See, you let her fuck black guys. That's what we're finding out here. He's the guy that hides behind the curtain with the camera. I get it. Let me ask you questions. Does she ever go to another guy's shoe repair place

and get her heels fixed, get her lupitons? As far as I know, she hasn't touched any other hammers. Are we talking about MC hammers? Stop. Okey-dokey. Well, Jimmy, this was so much fun.

You are such a good spirit. You came up here. You didn't let the nerves of the situation get to you. It seems like you enjoyed yourself the whole time. Look at the smile on this fucking guy's face. We love you, Jimmy Mack. There he goes. Jimmy Mack, everybody.

He's on Instagram. Wow, look at that. He's on Instagram. His handle is America's cobbler. I can't believe that wasn't already taken. Instagram. Fuck yeah. Let's help him get up to 23 followers tonight. Yeah. You guys ready for another special treat?

Oh, shit. You're gonna love this one. Ladies and gentlemen, you know this young man that's going to come out from the door right behind me because he's another one of the regulars on Kill Tony, famous for his incredible roasting

abilities and mind-bogglingly great joke writing. Here with a brand new minute, never heard before anywhere. Make some noise for one of the best. Good Lucas, everybody. Why is it that ugly girls ain't never scared of shit? If they hear a noise outside,

they're gonna check that shit out by themselves. Ugly girls take the trash out at night of the day. Uh, women over the age of 40 that say they are celibate should be publicly hung. Like, who you saving that pussy for? Jesus. No fucking clock is up.

Bitch, get that pussy out. Uh, I have zero stamina in the bedroom. I fall asleep after I jack off. Like, I be sweating and shit. Like, I just really fucked the bitch. I be looking at my head like,

damn, bitch, that was good this time. That's it. Shit. I'm about to say fuck. There it is. Exactly a minute. Smash, slam, bam, pow. The great David Lucas is here, everybody. In Miami.

In Dade, yeah. Hell yeah. Even though I was raised in Georgia, I'm from Dade County, man. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Miami Gardens, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Norland Middle School, that's where I was at.

Shit, he's just dropping names. Ain't nobody in here with the Norland. They too white. Carol City High, yes sir. Absolutely. You must be starving after hearing us say shoe cobbler on the other side of the wall all these times. Tony, you starving for some dick?

Why would you guys laugh like that? Tony came to Miami to find a husband. David came out here to find the seven missing buttons on his flannel. Those things popped off faster than a party at Tony Montana's house. Yeah, bro.

That's not his real name, by the way. He's in the fitness protection program. I asked him if he was working. I asked him if he was working out. He said, yeah, I'm working out. I got heavier silverware. Hey, Jimmy, if you don't get your Mrs. Doubtfire licking ass about here.

You look like the Captain of the Love Boat, nigga. Bro. You look like you got your head dead. What a fucking super cuss drive through window. What is that? What does that look called, boy, man? Your outfit looked like a

ashy African foot. All right, David, David. Tell me that, Tony. Fuck this guy. I'm kidding. It's all fun. Hey, Jimmy got a Bob Barker wig on. Okay, David, stop. David, David.

You got to know when to hold him. It's the price of medicine, right? David, David, David. You should know. You're going to need some. You're a Diabici. You look like you do stand-in work for Ric Flair.

David. You can order to beat a man. You can beat a man. David, stick with me over here. Over here, David. What's up, Tony? I love it. So welcome back. What do you love about Miami? You were born here.

Welcome back here. What have you been doing this weekend to keep yourself entertained? I'm going to just go get some ox tails. You know what I'm saying? Looks like you ate more than the tail. Tony, go to the restaurant and ask for ox ass.

You look like whoopee goldfish. Not the animal, but the delicious cheese cracker. That was good. I don't even got that to hit you back. What else? What else have you been doing in Miami? Tell us more about this room.

I'm trying to stay out of this humidity, bro. I'm a fat boy. Humidity? It wasn't even like this until you started breathing in this city. Picked up a percentage. David just landed. Yo, skinny ass, they make you sleep under a mattress.

Oh, what? What? Oh, this is my favorite one. Because you so thin. I love it. No, that's so great. I love it. So what else, David? How's life been going?

Did you meet any girls here this weekend? No, say nada. What? Did you just speak Cuban to me? My dad's Cuban. What? You black people are always claiming other ethnicities.

They're always doing... Hey, hold on, hold on. Look at this chest there. Do they put this on niggas? This chest there is... What the fuck? Cookie crumbs all the time. It's loaded with chocolate chips. Tony, you got the chest of a teenage girl.

I do. I actually started my period. You make Chris... You make Chris Delea get a hard dick. Oh, my God. Chris Delea can't get a boner unless there's an umbilical cord hanging from the nail. Unless there's an umbilical cord.

Oh, my God. Absolutely hilarious. Wow. David, what else? What else you got lined up? What do you like to do for fun? What do you like to do for fun at night time in a city like Miami? You know anything about the night life here?

Eat and go to sleep. Nah, I'm just playing. I fuck with Tutsis. It closed down all the time. But the club in my neighborhood, I used to be at it all the time. Some people here might know about Coco's. I'm a fucking shot there every week.

But that's my spot. You get a $45 bottle of Hennessy. Where else can you get that at? Let me ask you this. Instead of going to Coco's, do you just go to Butters now? I don't know. That was decent. Thank you, David.

You're going to be in Austin on Monday, right? Yeah, man. Awesome. Yeah, I'm here tomorrow also. With Andrew Schultz. So I'm doing that tomorrow. Absolutely. I hung out with Andrew on Thursday here

and did some fun work together. But after that, I'm going back to Austin. You know what's up? Yeah. It's all happening out there. That was another unbelievable set, David Lucas. Thank you so much for being here.

At David Lucas, honey, you know him. At this point, we're all practically related. Look at the fucking, I love this shoe cobbler fucking guy. Look at this fucking smiling ass positive motherfucker just banging his fucking

50-something-year-old wife's pussy to shreds. I'm going to be honest with you, Tony. You just got to be good friends. Yeah, right. When he pulls that fucking shoe cobbler cock out. All right, this will be interesting.

Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Wick D. Let's see what happens here. W-I-K. Very, very, very suspiciously fake name. We'll see if someone comes. Here he comes. Here comes Wick D, everyone. Come on, Miami. This is one of your own.

Here's Wick D. What's up, Miami? Whoo! So anybody ever wonder what boogers smell like? So I was playing Warzone with the boys the other day, and some guy killed me named Ghost Rasta.

So I was wondering, what does a Rasta ghost sound like? What does a ghost sound like? What does a ghost sound like? What does a ghost sound like? What does a Rasta ghost sound like? So I'd imagine it'd be something like Wargwan, mind your mind if me aren't your house.

So I was playing Little Uzi Vert, the video game, and you collect face tats and diamonds, and you put them in your forehead. That's all I got. Yeah, yeah! That cap on fleek feels some type of way. Fuck what you heard.

You heard? All right, Wick D. Hell yeah. I enjoyed that. Awesome. Welcome to the show, pal. How are you? I'm great. A little nervous. How long have you been on stand-up for? It's my first time.

Yeah, I had a feeling about you. I love it. Congratulations. How does it feel? It feels good. A little weird. What was different than how you pictured it? Look out there and tell these people what you're feeling right now. Without using the brim of your hat to protect you from the lights.

I feel like Jesse James would be here if we were hanging out. You look more like the little Lebowski to me. But welcome, welcome. This is the first time we've ever had a 34-year-old Vietnam veteran on the show before, so I'm pretty excited about it.

One of the youngest he served overseas when he was two months old. It's a secret agent. They just floated him down one of the rivers in a criblet. There he is. You remember that sound? I do. My grandfather was in World War II.

How old are you? I'm 28. Oh, my God. 28 years old. Holy shit. Wow. Were you like raised by wolves or something like that? Were you raised in the tundras? Yeah. Nom was rough.

Yeah. Yeah. How come you look like you do? Like, you know, for example, the little McCauley fuck that was up here is about your age. And you seem like you could be his grandfather. I get that a lot.

Do you have a rough childhood? You do, like, man shit or something like that? You, like, play in the dirt a lot? Yeah. Were you sort of raised, like, white trashy a little bit? You were raised in a house where cigarette smoking indoors was allowed?

No. Your parents didn't smoke cigarettes? No. Really? Did you start smoking young? Yeah, I started smoking young. Yeah, absolutely. How young? You literally look like a cigarette.

Do you live with a bunch of woodpeckers? Why would you say that? Red band. Jesus. That was so bad, the crowd did it for me. My God. I mean, it's just woodpeckers. Wow.

All right. So, WikD, tell us what gas station do you work at exactly? Exxon Mobil. No, really, what do you really do for work? I do commercial landscaping. Wow, commercial landscaping. So, like, the MyPillow guy,

you, like, do his... All right, forget it. Do you miss that these people would recognize, like Mar-a-Lago or the Trump National at Doral? Mostly commercial stuff and, like... But that's not all he does. No, what else does he do?

He's a professional before a picture. I love it, Wik. What part of town do you live in? I live in, like, Dania. What's it called? Dania Beach. Okay. Real five. Fuck the other side.

All right. Okay, you ever been on live PD? No. There's my live PD people back there. There they are. There's Stix Mackenzie and... All right. Stix. Okay, so what do you do for fun?

What are you into? You seem like the kind of guy that... Backwards roller skate. What else? Funny, but we want to know about your actual life. That's how we find out more things. I skate and I play video games. Okay, you skateboard? Yeah.

All right. You close with your father? My dad died when I was really young. Oh, okay. Walking bronchitis? No, a car accident, actually. What did he have? A car accident? My God.

Wow. Did he cause the car accident or was it somebody else? Was like Tiger Woods out there and he had to swerve or something like that? No, it was Elon Musk's fault. It was those fucking electricity cars. Really? Was it? No. Why do you keep lying on the show?

It's so weird. So like what happened in the accident? Do you know? Was your dad drinking and driving? No. He had your plane. The road was wet. Oh, it was like raining. He was driving in the rain. God damn. That's it.

Thank you, Red Band. So there you go. It wasn't walking bronchitis, it was driving bronchitis. That's what we call that. Very good. How's your mom doing? She's great. Yeah. What does she do?

She does, but she's retired. Okay. She was part Indian. She used to do the rain dance. Okay. I never get partly cloudy. Jesus Christ. What did I say? What did I say?

What did I say? It's a comedy show. Loosen up. Fucking people. I love it. So you started stand-up comedy tonight. You think this is something you're going to do again? You like it? Did it feel good up here? Oh, maybe. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe. What makes you say that? I'm not sure. I think you're funnier than most people doing it their first time. You're smart jokes. I think you definitely should try it again. Thank you. I appreciate it. There you go.

The good news is you just got some real positive feedback. The bad news is it was from Red Band. So, I mean, really... The guy who just keeps pressing random buttons throughout the show thinks you are very promising. Oh, fuck.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Stop trying not... Jimmy Schubert is pushing this table all over the place. Oh, you got a little excited. What are you, Triple H? Are you going to put one of us through this thing in a second?

Someone just wooed for Triple H. This audience is wasted tonight. Wick, so much fun, man. You have a great energy. You smoke a lot of pot? I used to. But why'd you stop? I just got over it. I had too high of a tolerance.

Okay. What do you do to relax now? What's your go-to? Crystal meth? I just... I smoke PCP, man. Okay, but this is the part where I'm going to ask you to... There you go. Very good. So, this is...

What do you do to relax now? I play games when I'm not working. There you go. Just video games. Just high on fucking... That's pretty much it. Escape. Skateboarding, right? Great. Not only does he do the half pipe,

he also does the whole pipe. I should have said crack pipe there if you're wondering how I could... Shout out to Tommy Hawk, Tony Hawk's little brother. There's no going back now. All right, Wick, congratulations. You got up first time on stage. Thank you.

Thank you, guys. Miami improv. The first ever weekend of Kill Tony here in Miami. It's been a long time coming. Mimic? What are you doing? Are you just waiting until Mimi responds? This is right there.

What do you need? Jimmy Schuber wants to drink. And a vodka soda, bro. I'm sorry. Yeah, whenever you get a chance. How about one more hand for the wait staff here? Vodka soda for Jimmy Schuber. There she is. Vodka soda. One more yingling, please.

Oh, and a yingling for real-life Homer Simpson over here. Jesus Christ. The sweating ginger pig, William Montgomery. All right, pull out another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Blake Woodrow. Here we go. Here's Blake.

Here comes Blake Woodrow. There he goes. He's walking through the room. He's got a steady, very wobbly pace. High center of gravity on this guy. Here he comes. This is the bar where we put our hands together one more time for Blake Woodrow. Thank you very much.

I smoked a lot of weed before I came here and I was listening to Drake on the way and I've been listening to too much Drake lately. It's starting to become a problem. I've been listening to, like, because Drake, when you listen to him too much,

you start to think you are Drake, you know? Like, I'll be driving around and I'm like, yeah, I did go zero to 100 real quick. It gives you, like, listening and Drake gives me, like, a false confidence. It makes me think I'm, like, better than I am. You know, I'm, like, sweeping up the house,

just like, I'm a motherfucking legend. Like, my girlfriend's in the other room like, you weren't a motherfucking legend last night. Oh. I'm like, ah, I'm Blake, not Drake. Can you at least let me pretend for, like, 30 seconds?

She's like, I pretended for 30 seconds. Ah, fuck. All right, that's it. There's exactly a man for Blake Woodrow. Holy shit. Thank you guys very much for putting this on, by the way. Indeed, absolutely. You're very welcome, Blake.

Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like, four years, four, four and a half. All of it here in Miami? Yeah, like Boca, yeah, this area. Other coast of Florida, but moved over here for college,

stayed for the comedy, started doing comedy. Would you study in college? Psychology. What do you do for work now? I coach swim. You coach swim. That's what a bachelor's in psychology gets you. Where are you coaching how to swim? What's that?

Who do you coach? Masters, which is, like, 18 and up, but it's mainly, like, 80, 70, 60-year-olds. You still have masters out here? Very good. Wasting your fart noise right there for no reason. Incredible. Wow. Unbelievably in touch

tonight right then. Dialed in at masters. You guys still do that whole masters thing out here? They, uh... I don't know. I didn't know anything about swim. That's fun.

Is it mostly, like, adults? Yeah, a bunch of... Well, I already told them I smoke weed. I hope they don't see this, because, uh... I don't know if I'll keep my job, but hey, that's... You're the one that said it. You didn't have to say I smoked a bunch of weed

before this, before doing that. The last guy didn't talk about smoking a bunch of meth before doing his set. But there you did it. What made you smoke so much pot tonight? Well, I came out last night, and I was like, there's no way I'm going up, so I'm like,

let's just fuck it. Let's just hang out, have a good time, and now I'm here in front of a bunch of people. That's... That was my dream. Yes, indeed. Absolutely. What else about you? When you're not doing, uh... When you're not doing stand-up comedy, what else do you do? Tell us more

about your life. I mean, after Corona, I was just playing a lot of video games, just like a... 16, like 17 hours a day, playing video games. Fucking Christ. What games? RuneScape.

Ugh. What else? That's not something I should be proud of. Other than the video games, what else about your entire fucking life? Video games. I swam for like... I mean...

I went to college for it. I had a really good swim career, and then... Now you're coaching, right? Now I'm coaching. There you go. Very quick. Did he drown on you while you were coaching him? Uh, no. No. I would have been fired. It doesn't seem like you have, like,

a swimmer's body unless you're, like... Unless you live in Detroit. Yeah. I had a swimmer's body, but then I still eat, and I go to die. I used to have a swimmer's body. Hey, Tony, do you mind if we do one thing

where I talk for you, move your lips? Okay. Okay. Hey, everyone. My name is Patrick. It's so nice to be here in Miami. I have a couple of black parents. Uh, meaning I have two sets of black parents. I'm a

big fan of her being the love bug of the movie. Uh, where when the car starts talking, the windshield wipers start moving. There you go. Wow. That's incredible.

Yeah. Wow. That was brilliant. William, do all your jokes for you from now on. Why? I'm too high for this shit. No, it's great. You went along with it.

You were acting out before he even started talking about that. You're just the right amount of stone for this show right now. Cool. Do you have a girlfriend, Blake? Yeah, I do. How long have you been with her? About three, three, coming up on three years.

Wow, three years. Damn, you're just swimming in pussy. Where'd you meet her? Swim. Oh, look at that. You were underwater swimming and you just swam. I was

stroking the back and breast. Absolutely. These are cheap swim jokes. It's like my lane. What did she do for work? Oh, I missed that.

That was an accident. That was cool though. She, uh, fuck, she coaches and lifeguards. Yeah, yeah. How'd you two guys meet? You were swimming and she's a lifeguard. How did you guys connect?

I pretended to drown. Can we do it one more time? Start talking. Okay, okay. Here he goes. So in 1994, I watched the movie Kongo. It was a really cool movie. I got involved with some black people

in my neighborhood. Uh, during July 4th, we set off some fireworks. You name it. We shot them off. I fell in love with these people. Uh, do the math on that one. Please do the math on that one.

What are we talking about? Subtraction? Hell, yeah. It gets better every time. I... I don't know what's being said. I don't... I'm just doing, like, interpretive dance to what you're doing.

You guys are like master blaster from the fucking... Yeah, it's actually pretty good. You guys are like a... A new duo? A new thing? A weird, like, Gepetto and Pinocchio combination over here. Yeah.

All right, Blake. Well, uh, fuck yeah, man. Congratulations on getting pulled out. Thank you very much. There he goes. Blake underscore Woodrow. Uh-huh. You guys having fun out there, huh? Hey. Oh, yeah!

Look at that fucking guy right there. This guy just went out to call his wife. I did it, babe. I fucking did it and it went really good. That's Gepetto. Okay. Make some noise for Big Mike. Big Mike is here, it turns out.

And he's next. On Kiltoni, here's some music from William Montgomery. This is called... The Skaters Waltz. Here he is, everybody. True to his name, here's Big Mike, everybody. Let's take a seat if that's all right. Yeah.

How you guys doing tonight? So this is a true story. I'm just gonna tell that real quick. I was about 12 years old in sixth grade. And my friend had a problem with his face, right? My friend had a facial issue, right? So a couple of kids are bullying and I'm like, hey, don't bully him.

So I get this kid in the head log, I start punching the shit out of him, whatever. Years later, I'm in the car with my mom driving. We see a short bus, right? My mom's like, oh, that's so sad that kid has problems and it's the kid who happened to have beaten up. That's the punchline. So don't go beating up retards.

All right. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Big Mike, everybody. Welcome to this show, Big Mike. How are you, buddy? Good, how are you? Good. How tall are you? 6'6". 6'6". What do you do? How old are you?

21. 21 years old. You play college basketball or something? I actually just got hurt. I'm trying to play ball, though. Okay, what happened? How'd you get hurt? Ball. The ball? Basketball, basketball. Right. What did you hurt? How did you hurt yourself? My ankle, real bad.

Oh, shit. Going up for a rebound or something? No, some little kid ran off a short bus with him and the ankle with a fucking bat. Where were you playing when that happened? Just with friends at a park. Right. Just regular, just balling all over your normal sized friends. Of course, yeah. Yeah. That's fun. What do you do for work?

Big Mike, do you have a job? I'm at FAU College. Okay. Florida Atlantic University? Yes, sir. That's right. You guys have a... Is that the one with the decent football program, right? You guys had, like, Lane Kiffin or something like that for a little bit?

Used to be, yeah. Right. Okay. Who do you have now? Did you guys just get Gus Malzahn or something? You don't know? No idea. Very good. Has anyone ever told you that you look like if someone put Andrew Schultz into a vice and stretched them out?

You look like Andrew the Giant. I mean, Andrew Schultz gets pussy, right? That sounds like something that a big guy that doesn't get enough pussy would say. What's your pussy? How's your sex life, Big Mike? What's going on? It's pretty good. Yeah? Tell us more. Are you exhausted? That arm, like, extends all the way down. I'm a little bit tired, yeah.

It's tiring holding that microphone up, isn't it? No, it's the fucking, he's tall, he's six, the blood's gotta fucking run down and run up. It fucking exhausts me, you know? When's the last time you had sex, Big Mike? Probably two days ago. With who? A friend. What?

A friend. Is it someone that you've had sex with before? Yeah. Right. So you have, it's like a regular booty call? Sure. How many different girls do you have on that roll of decks of booty calls that you rotate in? Or is there just one? Which is no problem if there's just one. Just a handful right now. I just recently got out of a breakup.

A handful, meaning five? Yeah, that's it. That's just about it. Okay. Do they have a hand? What? Nothing. What'd you say? Was it a shark attack victim?

Oh, it's a handful, all right. Was that what you said the first time? No, I said, do they have a hand? No. Tony's all over my shit tonight, have you noticed that? He's talking about a handful. Meaning he fucking goes home and jerks off like migs from Silence of the Lambs. Okay.

Pumps his fucking nut butter into a tissue of love. Tony, I have a question. It's a handful. It's a handful. It's a handful. Okay, don't respond to audience members, Jimmy. Big Mike, go ahead with your question. You couldn't get the real Gary Busey here?

What? You couldn't get the real Gary Busey? Now you're going to be funny. Now you're going to be funny after your minutes up. Big Mike, this guy's an incredible, incredible comedian. You're talking about Gary Busey. Gary Busey is famous for reading the types of things that a guy like Jimmy would write to tell Gary Busey to say.

So you should respect your elders. Just because you're six foot six doesn't mean you can look down on everybody. So Big Mike, what do you like to do for fun? Workout. What types of workouts do you do? What was that? No, you don't ask the audience what they said. These are fucking people that are somehow, believe it or not, a lot of them are dumber

than you, Big Mike. So let's not drag the people that didn't have the balls to sign up into this. You go ahead, Big Mike. Tell us. I forgot the question. When you're not playing basketball or hooking up with chicks, what else are you into? What's a guy like Big Mike into? I like to work out and I like to cook, actually.

Oh, yeah? What do you like to cook? All types of stuff. My goodness, look at you. Tony, can we do one more? Yeah. Move your mouth like you're talking. I think I can do it.

Okay. When you hear him say what he's talking about. Are you ready? Piece of shit. No, really. No. Can you ask the question when we're driving? He's ready.

He's ready. Go ahead, William. Do it. Yeah. So I like to cook hot dogs. I'm from Phoenix, Arizona. I cook hot dogs next to cacti. My uncle is missing.

My grandmother's dead. I don't know where my shoes are. Wow. William, William, it might work better. It might work better, William, if you think about what you're about to say before you start doing it. If you give it like 10 seconds of thought, I bet this whole segment could go a lot better. It's pretty incredible.

You might be shocked. All right. So Big Mike, you ever, like the people that you, the guy that you fought when you were in school and whatnot, have you ever fought anybody your own size? Man, this is people close. Right. Right, but not close enough. You're bigger than everybody.

What's your fight record like in your entire life? Undefeated. Undefeated, really? You ever see my face? Yeah, we see your face. You guys see my face, right? Yeah. Did someone tell you you have a pretty face?

I've been told, sir. Those thin lips and that Slovakia nose, someone told you. Someone told you you're pretty. I don't want to run through your bubble garden with a pin, Mike, but it looks like you did a fucking 100 yard dash in a 60 yard gym. What did I say? Big Mike, I fucking love it. Man, what made you want to do stand-up comedy?

It's your first time doing it, right? Yeah, my friends, they convinced me to do it. They probably wrote my name like 10 times. What did they do 10 times? I think they all wrote my name like at least four times. If they jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge, Mike? No. If Big Mike jumped off a bridge, he would just be fine.

Like he would just like, he would drop like three feet. Two seconds later. All right. Well, Big Mike, thank you so much for coming up here. I know it took a lot of energy to get up here. There you go. Big Mike, everybody. Fuck yeah.

It seems like his ankle's fine to me. Let's go to the bucket again. You guys want to go to the bucket again, huh? Let's see what happens here. Hey, geez, boy, a lot of weird ones today. Let's see what happens now. Ben from the box office is next. Ben from the box office.

Oh, shit. Wow, this is the fastest sprint in Kill Tony history. The classic mistake of being out of breath. What's up, guys? Wow. All right. So I have a little story to share with you guys. I'm a bit of a self-proclaimed, a bit of a stand-up comedian myself.

So oftentimes, I like to write my jokes, so I'm writing around in the car by myself. So here's a little character I've been working on. It's a d-d-d-d-d-d-j splash zone. But there's a lot of different variations to d-j splash zone, you see? Because whenever I'm in the car and I'm all by myself, sometimes I can add some twists to it. So we got a d-d-d-d-d-d-d-j come.

So I'm just sort of in my car, you know, just ripping off of that, you know, saying different things. Oh, she's getting fucked dot com. I was really cracking myself up with this one. So I was sitting there and I was like, I wonder what's actually on she's getting fucked dot com. So I typed it into my browser, and after figuring out what I saw and then a quick trip to godaddy.com,

you are now looking at the owner of she's getting fucked dot com. It was the best $11 I ever spent. And if I spend two more dollars to upgrade my package, I'll be able to have my official work email, Ben Smith, at she'sgettingfucked.com. Thank you. Wow. Ben from the box office.

Now I get it. You're working at the actual box office right now. Yes, I am. I just clocked out. Wow. Perfect fucking timing. Incredible. I know.

I ran here. I ran to the stage. This is the first time we've ever had one of the goth kids from South Park on the show, so I'm pretty excited. Yeah. See you out there smoking cigarettes. It's my favorite company on television. We're a little down south for this season, but...

Hell yeah. I like your style, man. Thanks. So welcome. How long have you been one stand up? Since I was 16, I'm 24 now. Wow. Look at that.

Eight years in the business. Yeah, I guess so. How long have you been working here at the improv? Since October. Awesome. Yeah. Before the pandemic, I was actually living in Queens, New York. I had like a completely different life going.

I was working at Starbucks. And then my life ended, and then it came back to life. Now I work here. Wow. It's great. That's fucking awesome. From a barista in New York with fucking Governor Cuomo murdering elderly people. Yeah, I know.

And here you are. Alive and well and warm, beautiful 81 degree Miami, Florida every single day. It's the best. Yeah, you love it, huh? What's your living situation like? So I'm, you know... The way you cleared your throat, I'm guessing four roommates. Yeah, and they're all related to me.

Really? You live with family members? Yeah, yeah. How many? What's it like? Four, actually. You nailed it on that. Thank you.

Yeah. So who are these family members, cousins, grandparents? Mom, dad, I got a younger brother and younger sister. Oh, sweet. Okay. All right. So the whole family moved down here. You got fucking lucky.

No, we're from down here. Oh, how long did you move to Queens for? I was up there for almost two years. All right. Yeah, just right after college, me and the ex. Awesome. Did you graduate from college? No.

Okay. No. Not even close. Yeah. How do you like working at the box office here? Fun? It's fucking amazing. It's changed my life.

Not for real. I love it. What else about you, Ben? What do you like to do for fun? I like to do stand-up occasionally when the opportunity arises. I also make music. Really? What kind of music do you make?

Like weird shit, I guess. Like what? Like right now I'm on some like auto-tune Jesus type of tip. Where can we find some of your music? Oh, you can find my music on SoundCloud.com. Actually, I'm not sure. You're just kidding. Fuck.com?

Dude. I wish. Is that what I said? My music is Kill the Robots with the little like heart thing. You know what I'm saying? You just said three different things. Yeah. Let's try it again.

Where can people find your music? You go to SoundCloud.com. You type in Kill the Robots with the little greedy grouper thing with the three. It's all like I'll make a heart. It's like Kill the Robots with the heart. Name is subject to change. Is this you? This is you?

Yeah, this is me. This is you? No, this isn't me. Okay, that's not him. That's not my son. Now let me ask you a serious question. Was the last vagina you saw the one you came out of? Um, no.

I'm asking a fucking serious question, people. Kill the Robots with what logo next to it? It's Kill the Robots with the little... I need to change the name, man. Yeah, you do. It's a little tough. Yeah, that's it. It's the second one.

Okay, so here it is. Here's a little something. How about Zorba? Is that a good one? Yeah. Let's play that. Here's a little bit of Zorba. Never snows in SoFlo.

This is so embarrassing. Oh, look at that. A lighting change. Are you going to perform it? I hope this reefer up in heaven show the reefer what I'm so... Sing that shit. Bank is on.

Sing it, bitch. I live until kinetic on my foes. I've been focused on a mission, got no interest in these hoes. I've been feeding in for some toxins I could breathe in for the low. I've been scheming, I've been plotting, trying to get it on my own,

keep my circle tighter than the noose that's tight around my throat. Rumpelstiltskin with the alchemy could turn a track to gold, and my mama said she's proud of me for working towards my goals. Oh, I've been chilling for too long, man, it feels like I'm alone.

Wow. Strobe warning. Incredible. Bro, you're like Michael Jackson with the one glove on now. Yeah, look at that. Thanks, bro. Look at that.

That is some incredibly wholesome rapping that we have there. Yeah, that's the old stuff. You definitely should change, kill the robot, whatever symbol. I'm on it. Perhaps something more original, like a badass yahoo or something like that.

Or puff daddy, whatever that thing is right there. Yeah, I'll put it on. I didn't really hear you, I'm not gonna lie. Is it puff daddy? Puff daddy. He's got the little poof. It's called puff daddy. I'll be poof daddy, maybe.

Poof daddy, I see, I got you. He's got that, what do you call that? What's the word? What do we call that? It's like a trough or something up there? There's a word for it. It's like a Jewish pompadour. Have you ever heard Pablo Francisca's

Strip Club material? No. You might want to listen to that. Why? Just listen to it. Everybody in the room understands what you're saying. One of the things that a lot of comics do is their Strip Club voice material.

I think I even had a part once in my career that I had a couple of jokes. I'm doing that kind of voice and stuff like that. Anyway, Pablo Francisca has some of the best version of that material. And once you hear it, you'll be like, I can't do it anymore. Is this story coming to fucking wake up?

Yeah, I don't know about that at all. That's like saying you can't do weed jokes. No, no, no, but just listen to it for yourself and then continue to do it afterwards. But honestly, it's like, I don't know. I mean, all I'm saying is just like, come. So I'm probably not really elevating the material. Is that what you're getting at?

It's just a joke. It's not your entire... I mean, it's still in the oven. It's not ready yet. Right, exactly. I just wanted to flex my website. I think you're aware of that. Totally.

Yeah, that's basically all that Pablo Francisca does. But it doesn't mean that he owns every single... I'm not even saying that. I'm just saying listen to it and then continue to do it if you want to. Yeah, go listen to the albums that Pablo Francisco made in the early 2000s and decide whether or not... Or just listen to one track of one album.

It's on YouTube. Google it. Yes. I'm on it. Google it on YouTube. The one track that Pablo Francisco doesn't decide if you... And that goes for everyone. If you ever want to do a joke with a DJ voice,

go listen to the one joke from Pablo Francisco and decide whether or not you want to do it. Do it. There you go. Very fun. Ben, anything else crazy? We'd be shocked to know about you and your life. Well, this has actually been nice.

This is the first time you've looked me in the eyes since you came here. Wow. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. You shook my hand. Yeah, it's pretty impossible to do that

when I'm in the green room or on stage and you're in the fucking box office, Ben. Fair enough. Sorry, I didn't come up and buy a ticket to my own fucking show. Fucking weird little dickhead you turned out to be. Everybody. Oh, you never even looked me in the eye.

This is how rumors get started. I'm a big fan. I'm a big fan. Well, Ben, come here. I'll shake your fucking raw dog hand. Get over here. There goes Ben from the box office, everybody. He's on social media at Ben.

Smooth, perhaps underscore. That guy just says weird shit in all of his titles for everything. Ben from the box office. Is that his real name? Is from the box office his last name? Or is it just... Oh, it's just his stage name.

Ben from the box office. Social media. Ben, smooth. Is that right, Ben? Sweet or smooth? Ben, smooth underscore. So stupid, Ben. Ben, smooth underscore for no reason.

Like, there's two Ben smooths out there. You guys want a special treat? We could end the show right now if you want to. Are you sure you want a special treat? You know what? Forget the special treat. We haven't had a... We haven't had a lady up here tonight.

You guys think we should pull from the bucket until we find a lady, huh? Listen to the 18% of support for female comedians in this room tonight. Very, very, very incredible. There's got to be a funny woman out here. Get a woman. It could be possible.

It's not David. It's not Andrew. It's not Richard. If you need me to transition, I'm thinking about having a sex change. I'm thinking about going from having none to having some. Not Mike. Not Travis.

Not another Andrew. Not CJ. I know CJ. Oh, okay. Here we go. Oh, shit. No doubt about it. Here we go.

Put your hands together for Amber Joy Lane. Oh, there's a big pop from the comedian section. Man, I see her running hardcore. Oh, she's going to be out of breath. How exciting. Oh. The most fundamental mistake in the show's history. Here she is, Amber Joy Lane.

Hi. Hello. You ready? Hello, everyone. Yes, my name is Amber Joy Lane. I know it's like my parents wanted me to become a porn star. But instead I chose to become a dancer, but not the kind of Tootsies.

So I don't make any money. Yeah. My only chance of seeing my name in lights is if a small child goes missing and they put an Amber Alert up on the highway. Amber Alert. That would have been a good porn star name. You know how porn is like the only place left? You can be misogynist, racist, sexist, except for this show.

But what if, what if one day the PC police came for porn and the names of all your favorite categories were changed? So instead of Afro, Asian, Cuban, orgy, it would just say culturally diverse group of women. Get together and share their hopes and dreams. Or instead of dominatrix, strap-on, pegging, it would just say equal opportunity. You can't be too careful.

Even Siri doesn't want to get canceled. I got a dirty text message the other day, but I had my AirPods in, so Siri read it aloud. New message from Peter Rodriguez. I want to lick your pussy and put my finger in your asshole. Peach emoji. Index finger with medium-colored skin tone. There you go.

There you go. Amber Joy Lane, everybody. Amber Joy Lane. Whoa, look at that. I think I'd just rather hold it. I prefer that anyway. There you go. Absolutely.

So does Peter Rodriguez. Who the fuck is Peter Rodriguez? She just said she got a fucking text message. You missed it. I got the meow. You couldn't hear it. I love it. She got a text message from Peter Rodriguez, bro.

Okay, welcome to the show, Amber Joy Lane. Thank you so much. So you're a professional dancer? I am. How long have you been doing that for? Five years. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year.

Okay. A year? All of it here in South Florida? No, actually. I just moved back to Miami from Tel Aviv, Israel. Wow. What were you doing in Tel Aviv? I'm working at the Babushka Club.

I've been at Tel Aviv, bro. The Babushka Club. You heard of it? Sorry? The Babushka Club in Tel Aviv. The Pussycat Club? Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't work there, but I know it. Well, I was there. Okay. So what were you doing in Tel Aviv? I was dancing professionally and acting because over there, I'm exotic. Oh, yeah. They get the white girl again. Is that what they say?

What? I want more of the white girl. Got it. That's what they say. Amber Joy Lane, I love it. Not a lot of ladies that come on the show have the balls to dress like a my buddy doll when they come up here. My buddy.

He wore a little red overall. He did on all the pedophiles after the show. All right. So what made you get into dancing five years ago? Like professionally. Yeah. I went to school and got like an education in marketing and it was just so fucking boring. So I was like, I'd rather dance and make people happy.

Okay. Yeah. I love dancing. All right. Well, that's pretty awesome. She's positive energy times a million, right guys? Yeah. I can't help it.

Yeah. She's fucking. Were you a cheerleader? No, real dancer. No, I mean, were you a cheerleader? No, no. What's the fucking question? What type of music do you like to dance to?

Hip hop. Hip hop, really? Yeah. Wow. That's interesting. Like what kind of hip hop? Like what's your favorite song right now? Whatever you fucking put, I'll dance to.

Really? Yeah. How many do you think we should see her dance up here? But I'm a comic too. We can also just talk and all right. Now it always goes down. I can't help it. Thank you.

That was pretty good. This was like a John Benet Ramsey's parents didn't kill her. That's pretty good. Thanks. A little bit jolty and shifty. Yeah. How did you? But how are my jokes?

Do you really want to know? I do. Well, fuck the jokes. I'm just saying the dancing was phenomenal. It's a good thing I'm wearing my sponge underpants. Otherwise they'll wake up with a lot of potato flakes in my pubes the next morning. The jokes were adorable. Adorable?

Yeah. You've only been doing it what, a year, you said? Yeah. And it's literally the hardest year in the history to do stand-up comedy. Wait, this lady seems mad. What are you mad about, lady? I thought it was really sexy what you did. She thought it was really sexy what you did and you think she deserves it.

She deserves it. It's very sexy what you did and she deserves it. It's really sad when a passionate woman in the audience is like, look, you're sexy. That's good. That's the fucking jokes. It's the chick from Sex and the City, by the way, everyone, guys. There you go. It's the audience.

I don't understand what you were trying to say. You were saying that you liked her set. You liked the dance. Right. There you go. She likes the dance. You're on my side. The only women throw each other under the bus in this special kind of way.

No, the jokes were fine. I mean, you heard, right? You heard the response. It was good. You have opportunities for laughter and if you took your time a little bit more, for sure, instead of trying to squeeze all this stuff into a minute. Give me a minute, ma'am. But if you do a solid 50 seconds and take your time with it, that's a minute too.

Instead of trying to do two minutes in a minute and 15, 20 seconds or whatever it takes for the bear to kick in all the way, and even then you try to go over the bear, which is a big no-no on the show. Well, you know, it takes women longer always, so. I guess so. Obviously, you've never fucked my friend Big Mike before. He would break you like an ankle. Amber Joy Lane, what's your love life like?

Are you single? I'm single. I'm on a Tinder date right now, actually. He brought me to your show. Wow. I hadn't heard of it. Wow. And you just signed up.

I did. First date? First date. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. What's his name? Danny, I think. Oh.

Let's get Danny up here to see what's going on on this first date. Come on, Danny. Danny. Danny. Danny. Danny. Danny. Danny.

Danny. Danny. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Come on, Danny. Come on, Danny. You got to do it, bro. Come on, bro.

I'm going to have security drag you up here. Maybe he left me up here. Oh, he left. He's in the car. By the way, by the way, he didn't leave during the dancing party. He left during the comedy part. Come on, Danny. Come on.

Wait, no. No, that's Big Mike. No. Not him. It's not him. Hold on. Big Mike's about to come up here and rape you. Where the fuck is Danny?

Do you see him back there? He's here. He's hiding. Come on, guys. Start it, Danny. Danny. Danny. Danny.

Danny. Danny. Danny. Yeah. Here he comes, everybody. How come you didn't bring up Melinda or Melissa? Damn. Look at this fucking stud.

You get a female comic up here and you still bring a guy. Danny, what's up, buddy? Danny. What's up, Danny? What's up, Danny? What's up, Danny? Come up, son. I got a microphone from this little fucking...

There you go. Take it. This little fucking... I'm so sorry. This... Yo, what's up? How does it feel to be on a first date with a girl that's going to inevitably burn your house down?

It feels good. I love it. So you brought a girl here on a first date, which I fucking love. That's a fucking balls to the walls move. And what do you do for work, Danny? I do e-commerce stuff. I sell stuff online. You sell stuff online.

I love it. What did you guys do on your date before this? We just met in the line. Oh, you literally... This is the beginning of the date. It's the beginning. So then the show started and you basically couldn't even talk after that. So this is exciting.

Wow, this is very exciting. I know very little about him. Is there anything you want to know about him? You should ask him right now. How many of you want to do the first ever public date in the history of Kill Tony? All right, ask him a question. Go right ahead, Amber. Ask him the question.

Have you already had corona? Oh, good question. No, I have not had... No. Oh, that's not a good answer. You're supposed to say, yes, I already had it back in December. Try it again. Answer it again.

I've already had it in December. Thank goodness. So we don't need any kind of protection. Exactly. Look at that. Wow. Amber, is that true? Do you not use protection with guys when having sexual intercourse?

No, no, we always use protection because guys are like, they don't want to use a condom because they're like, oh, but it doesn't feel as good. It's harder for me to come. And I'm like, oh, it's hard for you to come. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm listening. I can do two things at once. I'm not a four foot eight blonde chick.

All right? My God. Jesus Christ. Hi, he's not even listening to me. Anyway, so Amber, Dan, ask Amber a question that you have for her on this, your first date. I'm so fucking sorry. Do you use rubbers, if for real? This is great.

This is just great. Bachelor number one, I have a question. Okay, red band wants to ask a question. So who are you talking to, the guy or the girl? The bachelor. Do you use dating apps to have sex? And how many times have you had sex with somebody from a dating app? Be honest, bro.

I mean, I should ask that. No, he's asking you that, right? I'm asking you that, buddy. Actually, at the real, like on my profile, I actually asked for girls who work in Marriott American Airlines because I try to get travel hacking stuff. He just had a stroke. In your bio, you say that you prefer girls that work for American Airlines because you want to travel for free.

That makes complete sense. Bro, he gets the miles. He gets the miles, if you know what I'm saying. Absolutely. He puts that cockpit in the cabin. I love it. And what is it that you're looking for in a man currently, Amber Joy Lane? I just want somebody funny.

Let me ask you this. Have you ever been on one of these Tinder dates and you hook up with a person that night? It's just like a one-night stand on a stancer? Of course. That might happen tonight with Danny. I'm trying to help you here, Danny. Come on. Maybe if he lands a joke.

How many of you guys think these two should kiss for the first time right now here on this show? Yes! Yes! Come on! Come on! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! You will! Do it. Face them.

Give them a kiss. Look at the crowd. They want it. Come on. How many of you guys loved her jokes tonight? Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, shit.

That was real. No. You can't kiss me. Jesus Christ. What do you think? I want fucking Dan's secondhand slobber all over? We're in the middle of a pandemic, by the way. We got to check out the dude's boner now.

Let's look all together at that guy's boner. Oh, he's covering it up. Oh, shit. He's covering it up. This guy's got a big mic in his pants right now. That was fucking awesome. Amber, your jokes are fine. You just got to take your time.

You'll get totally different results, I'm sure of it. Keep doing it. Stick with it. You have great charisma, great stage presence. Dan, thank you so much for bringing her here on a first date. That's ballsy. Fuck that puss. Fuck that puss.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Amber. I'm sorry. It wasn't me. It was Red Band. Red Band's like 60 years old. He's from a different time. He's not like us, Young Box.

Jesus Christ. You're adorable. Go kill it out there. We'll see you soon. Amber Joy Lane, everybody. There she goes. Jesus. Fuck you.

Now can I kiss you? Red Band. Jesus, man. Fucking animals out here. He's a fucking animal. Watch this, Joe. Now can I kiss you? That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

Hey, why don't we just have Dan spit in my mouth? You guys ready for that special treat or what? Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, it took us a long time to get to Miami, but when we did, I believe we made it count because these are the first Kill Tony shows in which, in the history of the show, all three regulars are here, everybody.

Oh, shit. This guy became one of the highest ranking members of Second City of all time an improvisational guru and was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and decided to finally get around to chasing his lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian. Turns out he's one of the best in our favorites

in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, Miami, Florida, I present to you the great Michael Lehrer. Oh, yeah, darling. Oh, yeah, darling. Oh, yeah, darling. Oh, yeah, darling. Oh, yeah, darling.

Oh, yeah, darling. Oh, yeah, darling. Where my cupanos are? Are you Costa Rican skin-sunk my dick? Or are every Costa Rican man, woman, and child in the room right now has two choices? The silver or the red? Yo.

Yo, I'm on a fixed income because I get a dissimilarity check every month so I can only afford so much cocaine. But I find a way to make cocaine cost-effective. Road trips. One, you know, I've seen a lot like when they drove in 1999 because you keep driving. Two, you're not driving.

You're not spending $50 on a wrong amount because cocaine makes you forget where food is. Michael Lair doing a lot of cocaine material. No better time in your life to be deeper into cocaine than right now, perhaps. What is this guy doing? It's a paper boy, rogue paper boy. You're wondering how many serial killers

there are in the audience tonight. There's a big one. I live in Los Angeles. If there's any cocaine in my front yard, it usually fell out of my pocket. Michael, welcome. How about a big hand for Michael Lair, everybody? Come on, Michael Lair.

He's here. Michael Lair is doing it. He's wearing a robe for some reason. Did you get that from the hotel? Okay. You have to start a kid, bro. Yeah. Now, I miss William so much.

He's my buddy. William is? And we love each other. And I wrote songs for him. So, I'm going to have William read three William Junks. Oh, he wrote Junks for William to say. You told me we were doing cocaine last night on my balcony until five in the morning.

And I had to walk his fucking crippled ass back to his place at five in the fucking morning. So, let's see how these jokes are, Michael. Because I swear to God, if they're not good, I'm going to throw your ass in the swimming pool. I'm going to throw your ass in the swimming pool. Michael, are you wearing underwear right now? Cover yourself up a little bit.

I don't know what's going on there. Jesus Christ. I don't know what's allowed on YouTube anymore. Hey, come on. Same thing he wore last night, everybody. Right, yeah. Still didn't get those white sweatpants, I guess. All right, here we go. Here we go.

Wait, William, wait a second. William's going to read jokes. Michael's going to move his lips. Are we ready for this, people? Yeah. Here we go. The historians say that World War I was caused by the 1914 assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria.

I don't know. I think it was caused by the blacks. All right. Whoa, that's good. That's something I'd say. It's incredible. It sounds like William. I don't trust black people.

That's something I would say. Wow, I didn't realize he was going to tag the jokes as well. It's incredible, Michael. I love this Gilbert Godfried face that you make when creating the jokes. Here goes the second joke. Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer. He loves peanuts so much when they get smashed into peanut butter, he cries.

That's just stupid. That was even better than the first one, Michael. Oh, my God. Okay, here's the last one. If Huey Lewis in the news put in a song today, it would be called It's Hip to be Fat. Those are good. Michael, keep writing for me, please.

No, seriously, I need the help. Seriously. My goodness, when did you write those exactly, Michael? I want to go home. What did you do? What happened to you today? I think William just said what happened to him today, like 20 minutes ago. It's so great.

We brought our friend with Lou Gehrig's disease out here so he can go on a cocaine bender. That's great. Jesus. Even I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight. All right. Here he is, Michael Lair everybody. Jesus, Louise.

I'm going to see if we can put him to bed earlier. William, William, can I ask how can you afford cocaine? I am what? I thought you were about to ask what's my favorite Game Boy game. I was about to say Herbie the Lubbock. And then I was going to say I'm just getting Kirby's Dreamland. Sweet. How do you afford cocaine?

Have you noticed the socks that I wear? Yeah. Do the math on that one. I'd spend money on cocaine instead of socks and clothes and food. I know. No, we're all just joking. Oh, okay. We're all getting around.

But if somebody has some, meet me in the back. How do you afford cocaine is Venmo will ask you his big payments. Wow. All right. There you go. Okie-dokie. Yeah. This is a fun one.

This is a fun little ending to the show, everyone. That was great. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything. Michael Lair. He has an unbelievable amount of quality content and incredible merchandise there on his website. Oh, you dipped your cigar in your drink there. Oh, wow. Why do you call him in the camera?

All right. No more fun ribbon in the world than a dangerously shit-faced handicap guy to close out the show. How about a big hand for the band, William Montgomery, huh? How about a big hand for the great Jimmy Schubert, everybody? Gary Busey. Gary Busey in the house. Oh, fuck with mangy, man. Jimmy's on social media, Jimmy Schubert, right?

Just straight up Jimmy Schubert on everything. Very, very funny stuff everywhere. Tours all over. He's here. He's your own Floridian now. He was in LA Comedy Store Killer Forever. Now he's a Miami guy. Look out.

The scene here is growing. Jimmy Schubert, Andrew Schultz. It's all starting to happen down here in Miami. Very exciting. And that's about it. Red Band, anything else? Hey, check out Dead Air on the Death Squad Networking. You can check it out at Desquad.TV.

Brian Holtzman in Austin. Miami, thank you guys so much for coming out. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.