KILL TONY - #497 - SARA WEINSHENK + JAMAR NEIGHBORS

Episode Date: March 20, 2021

Sara Weinshenk, Jamar Neighbors, Jon Keyz, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, Michael Lehrer, Zac Bogus, Matthew Muehling, David Lucas, Michael A. Gonzales, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/01/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—HARRYS.COM – New customers can get a Harry’s Starter Set and a FREE Body Wash for just $3 at HARRYS.COM/KILLTONY. That’s over a $16 value for just $3! You’ll get a 5-blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, a travel cover, and a travel size body wash. It’s an incredibly great deal, but act fast while supplies last! Go to HARRYS.COM/KILLTONY._ROMAN ED – Anyone who’s dealt with erectile dysfunction knows how awkward it can be to talk about inperson. Luckily, there’s a simple, convenient solution to get the treatment you need, withoutleaving the couch.—Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Desquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the show. But you could also click on tour dates. Kill Tony, number 500, is going on sale, Monday, March 22nd at noon. It's gonna be at the Paramount Theater,

and that's gonna be Thursday, April 8th. Go to Desquad.tv and click on tour dates to get your tickets. Check out our website, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Desquad universe. There you have Kill Tony shirts, Desquad shirts. You got a bunch of merch from the Desquad universe at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website.

He draws every episode. He has the Kill Tony book, the coloring book, and a bunch more. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there to get everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. One, two, three, four.

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Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. What is our brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Let's go. Listen to that weak audience tonight.

Are you guys here, people? Jesus. What is this, the blizzard crowd? I don't know, man. Did you hear that golf clap I got up here? I think we just came back from Miami, and we're used to that, probably. Yeah.

I guess we're used to people that are happy to be alive. You guys excited to be here? We are at the number one live podcast in the world that now exists in Austin, Texas. Are you guys happy? There you go. Hurt some hell-y ass there.

That was good. That's what we've come to expect from Austin, Texas. I don't know what's going on in here tonight. I don't know what happened. It was a band, what, the band play a funeral song before we came out here? Well, kind of. Oh, yeah, it was.

It was pedophile music. Now I get it. You were all touched as kids. Every time you hear Michael Jackson, it flashes back. You picture a little tiramisu-colored penis. It's a little math for you. It's a what color is Michael Jackson's penis joke. Say tiramisu.

I think a bit of chocolate, a bit of vanilla. I think there's like layers to it. Yep. A little cherry on top, a little blood on the tip. Okie dokie. All right. Red bands here, everybody. That's what you can expect from him tonight.

Blood on the dick. Put that on here, red band bingo cards. Excited to be here. I've got a big hand for the band, everybody. They're here, John Dees, Matt Mueling, Michael Gonzales on drums, and on bass guitar, the one and only D-Madness. John Dees on the keys tonight. How are you feeling, John?

I'm feeling real good, but how are you feeling? I'm great. I'm excited about tonight's episode. I'm pumped. Feels good in here. It's nice. Other than the audience's energy, I'm pretty excited about tonight.

We have Ryan Jebel in Los Angeles, California. I've got a hand for Ryan Jay. He draws every single episode. Every print is available. Ryanjebel.com. We made jokes last week about how people didn't like the coloring books, but those were just jokes.

Ryan told me these things have been selling like hotcakes. Hell yeah, it's an awesome book, man. I have two of them. Tony, the coloring book. Yeah, it's great. Incredible. You know, meth heads love coloring books. Did you know that?

No, I didn't know that. Yeah, like if you look in a meth heads book bag, it's always got coloring books. That's a true fact. You know what's funny? Actually, I did know that. I did know that. From live PD, right?

Well, no. I know it because, I don't know, like 20 years ago or something crazy like that. My older brother, it turns out he dated one of these Miss Columbus, Ohio types or whatever. Turns out she was a meth head. And I remember for Christmas one year, this is true, obviously, as you could tell by my lady

like Giggle, she sent me for Christmas these laminated pieces of paper that were actual newspaper comics, and they were all colored. And I always thought, what a horrible Christmas gift, like these colored comics. And then I found out years later, a couple years later, that she was on meth the whole time. Miss Columbus, Ohio, like 1998 or something,

was on Christmas meth. Go Buckeyes, anyway. You guys excited to start tonight's show or what? We're here. This is it. You're in it to win it. But before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit about the amazing sponsors that

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It's an incredibly great deal but act fast while supplies last. Go to harrys.com slash kill Tony to redeem your offer. And we're back. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? We have guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very exciting. These people, two kill Tony legends.

One of them was one of the first ever regulars on the show. So how many of you have been kill Tony fans for a long time? I know for a fact, some of you are lying. But this was one of the first two regulars in the history of the show. And also joining her this evening is one of my funniest friends on the planet. He was just on JRE.

He's in Austin all the time. Comedy store paid regular. Two real comedy store people, two real kill Tony people. Make some noise for the great. Sarah Wineshank and Jamar Neighbors. Wow. Yeah. The return of Wineshank, the return of Jamar Neighbors.

Both of you were on episodes in which we had zero audience during the pandemic at the comedy store. Those episodes are what we called rough. This is sort of like a throwback to those no audience shows actually here, this crowd tonight in Austin. Because we love you, Tony. That's goddamn right. Sarah Wineshank, welcome back.

Thank you for having me. What's up, Austin? Sarah just arrived. You're headlining a show here this week, right? I am on Thursday and Jamar is featuring. I love it. Thursday, Vulcan Gas Company, is that right? Yes, it is.

How about you, Jamar? Do you have any other shows in town this week? Yeah, I'm doing the Native Hostel, my apartment show there, every single Tuesday for this whole month. Fuck yeah. Can you believe that, Sarah Wineshank? I believe you were on episode what? Three or four of Kill Tony, and we

are a month away from episode 500 of Kill Tony. Almost eight years. Whoa. Nice. More episodes than any other podcast taped in front of a live audience. Seems like 15 years. There you go.

There you go. Red bands here, everybody. Shout out to our boy, Yoni, and the great people over at CM Smokehouse. They fed us today. Incredible, incredible food. Check out CM Smokehouse on South Lamar. I double dog dare you.

I know everybody has their favorite barbecue places, but you got to try new people when they pop up, new great foods. That's literally my favorite thing about Austin, by the way. People ask me, how do you like it? And the biggest standout thing is the food here. You guys like good food? Very, very proud of you people for what you've

done here with your food. That's it. A bunch of people signed up tonight. This is the Austin, Texas bucket of destiny. Over 60 people signed up tonight. A lot of them out on the sidewalk, socially distanced. They've all been heavily tested for the coronavirus, as has the entire audience.

The governor's listening. Everyone was tested. It's a lot of the reason they actually got the vaccine. That's why they're feeling so tired tonight. And that's that. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on this stage, whether it's your first time or you're a local veteran.

You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Fifth Street bearer. That's what that sounds like. You guys ready to start the show? This is it. You know how it works.

Could be a crazy person. Could be a local legend. They don't know if they're about to get up. I pull their name out of a bucket, and that starts right now. And the first person, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, goes by the name of Lane Rumman. Or Rumen Lane.

Stairs are on that side. Make sure you take those stairs. Here comes Lane. One more time for Lane Rumman, everybody. All right, let's go. Hey, uh, what's up? What's up? What's up?

What's up? Hey, uh, I'm Lane Rumman. If you'd like to follow me on social media, I'm on Pinterest. So my landlord is a woman, which doesn't bother me at all because I'm a feminist. It's also great because I only have to pay two thirds of my rent.

You ever go to an old person's house where they're so old that they have a TV that still has the wooden casing? But then they always put their new TV on top of it, which is kind of weird because it's like if you got a new dog and then your old dog, you had your old dog turn into a carpet for your new dog to sleep on. So I love coming to Austin.

You know, they decriminalize weed, which is cool. But then they ban cigarettes smoking in public places, which is weird. So now I have to wrap my cigarettes and weed to hide the smell of tobacco. Thank you. Lane Rumman, welcome to the show. The adorable little set you just had there.

I like your joke about rolling your cigarette up in weed. I don't care what this audience thought about it. I loved it. That was a sweet little thing. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time. Wow, first time, everybody. That's absolutely fantastic for a first time set.

You look like a comedy veteran, but you already look like a beaten comedian. You look like someone stole your soul. I always told that I look like Seth Rogen. If Seth Rogen hated Seth Rogen. OK, yeah. You're like Seth Rogen from The Ears Down, Joe Rogen from The Ears Up.

All right. All right. Lane, so what made you start here? What made you decide that tonight's the night? I've just been thinking about it for a long time. How old are you? 29. What have you been doing for work?

I'm a dog groomer. A dog groomer? Get the fuck out. World's toughest dog groomer here. A fucking groom your dog. Yeah, the poor things. What do you do? Just slam them up against a fucking shower?

No. Dogs groomed. Tell us about it. How'd you get into the dog grooming business? It's like one of those dumb and dumber things you saved up, bought a van? Yeah, I just saw my fill in, too. I was actually applying for a different job.

You fell into dog grooming? How do you do? Well, you went to the top of a water slide, and at the end of it, there was just a bunch of dirty dogs? Yeah, pretty much. I applied for a different job at a pet store, and then they didn't have any other positions, so that was the one that I got.

Is it dog grooming? That's something you're supposed to go to school for? Really? Hell no. Are you kidding me? I'm not. What type of degree do you think dog groomers have? Community college dropout.

Jamar, what do you think about this guy? Did you win that belt from Jeff Hardy in a hardcore ladder match? I won it in the state, so. Oh, all right. You look like you won it from Jeff Hardy in a hardcore ladder match. Estate sale, huh?

So that's a dead man's belt. Yeah. What's on your real Pinterest? What's on your real Pinterest? Nothing. Oh. That. Wine shank, what do you think about Lane Roman?

I think Lane has some good jokes, especially for a first time. I'm a little overwhelmed by the keys that are clipped to his belt loop. It is. Very distracting with the belt. Sorry. There's a lot of flair going on. I'm like, are you going to unlock some doors for us?

Are you a janitor as well? Well, I was trying to find a restroom earlier, and I didn't want him to think I was homeless. Oh, you let them know that's your house key on your belt? Yep. Don't need a key for a tent. Not a tent key at all. Your home is where your house is.

Lane, what's up with that hat? Were you formerly like a shrimp boat or something like that? Did you catch sea monkeys professionally? What is that hat? Yeah, pretty much. How long was the guy dead? How long was the guy dead that you bought that hat from? I don't know.

It was in a state sale, so it gets pretty recent. You get everything that you own at a state sale? Absolutely. Really? You only buy dead people shit? Yeah, that's what the joke is. Do you ever kill somebody just so they could have an estate sale so you could buy their shit?

All the time. OK. That's actually where I got the joke about the TV. That happens all the time in the state sales. What happens? The TV with the wood casing and then the new TV on top of it? OK. Hey, when those women let you jack off in front of them,

how did you get the confidence to come back and stand up comedy? It was a long, tough road, I guess. This is Louis. Louis OK. Salane, what else about you? What do you do for fun when you're not a state sailing? I've got six dogs and three cats.

Whoa. Nine animals. Sorry, that's insane. All their anal glands are expressed, right? Yeah. 100%. What kind of dogs you got? That's a groomer joke.

Well, they're all that. It's a groomer statement. It's not a joke. What kind of, what are we talking about? How did this happen? Are these like all the dogs and cats that you've got in relationships? Like, well, what's going on here?

Well, they're all kind of different stories, I guess. Like, it's too long to go through all of them. But basically, my brother had this weird obsession with finding stray dogs and then bringing them home. And then I couldn't get rid of them. Wow. Did you guys live in a trailer or something like that? No, not when I got the dogs, but now I do.

That's fucking gross. I'm just going to leave my record and say that. The only reason I ask about the trailer thing is because it seems like that someone that would have a brother that would bring home stray dogs, that's like a trailer thing. Well, he owns a house now. Wow.

Look at that. Does he prove it? Does he wear his keys on the outside of his pants? He wears it around his neck. OK. He wants to be extra proud of it. I love it. Lane, where do you live?

West Columbia. West Columbia. Where's that at? It's about an hour south of Houston, about three and a half hours from here. South of Houston. Do you guys dogfight out here? I don't.

Oh, that's a tight. I love it, Lane. What's your love life like? Yeah, it's good. I've got a girlfriend. You do? Yeah. Oh my goodness.

How'd that happen? Where'd you meet this little dog lover at? Dog grooming. No. Really? You groomed her dog? No, we're both dog groomers. You guys are both dog groomers?

That's so crazy. If you could watch two dogs fight, which kinds would it be? Like, which two kinds? Cats. Cats. There you go. Everyone's favorite kind of dog, a cat.

Like some, he has some Nickelodeon shit. Lane, I'm a little bit confused here. Was your girlfriend a dog groomer when you met her? Yeah. And how did, how did, how do two dog groomers even meet? Were you guys at a convention or something like that? No, we worked together. Oh, at the same dog grooming company?

Yeah. Wow. And how did that happen? You guys were just scrubbing dogs and? More each other, I guess. Yeah, but how did, like, when did you know Sparks flew? Like, what was the line? What did you say to her?

I think it was more what she said to me. I don't know, it just kind of happened over time, I guess. Jesus, Lane. I love that. Could have really said anything other than that there, and it would have been interesting. But it really just happened over time. There was never one thing that I said, Tony.

It still freaks me out that he didn't go to school for dog grooming. Like, they just hire anybody. Like, cashier, no, dog groomer. Like, you have to know a lot to be a dog groomer. What do you think you have to know? Well, like, certain dogs. You put soap on the dog.

No, like, if dogs have, like, you know, like, hair knots, you can't, like, just fucking, like. What do you do with the hair knots? Comb them out. Comb them out. There you go. What would you do? Like, that's not what happens.

They do kind of give you, like, you bathe dogs for a little while, and then they send you off to it. Like, they had, like, the company that I went to was, like, an in-company, like. Doesn't matter. Dude, is anyone ever have you wash their cat? No, I never did cats. I wash my own cats, but.

How do you wash your cats? Well, I have one cat that's retarded, but. It's actually mentally retarded, the cat? It's OK for me to say that, because my cat's retarded, but. Is that true? You have a retarded cat? Yeah, he has a cerebral hyper palsy.

Your cat has cerebral palsy? Yeah. It's some weird cat thing that happens in birth or something. Yeah, yeah. You're supposed to put that to sleep immediately. I don't think you're supposed to leave the thing just tortured and eternally searching for its bowl of milk. No, it's kind of cute.

It just kind of wobbles around the house. So you have one special needs cat and then eight other animals. Yeah. That's fucking wild, man. But do you respect dog fighting as a hustle? You know, whatever it takes to make money, I guess. Right, right. Everybody needs a job.

Lane, you got pulled out of the bucket. Your first time ever doing stand-up comedy was here to kick off tonight's show. I've got a big hand for Lane Rumman, everybody. He's on Twitter at Lane Rumman. R-U-H-M-A-N-N. There he goes. That's fascinating to me.

Yeah, I can't believe you thought that dog rumors had to be educated. No, I mean, if you think about it, if I dropped off a dog to you and be like, I want a poodle cut, he's going to be like, uh, clippers? He's just going to shave the whole dog? Have you ever met anyone that cuts human hair? Yeah, they all have to go to school.

It's the same thing. Yeah, but it's like not real school. We all know that ain't real school. It's like a year school. No, it's not. Yes, it is. It's a year for them because they're stupid. No, my sister cuts hair.

I could be a barber in like an hour and a half. No, you can't. Yeah, huh. You gave me the books. I could do it. You're cutting my, you're giving me the next haircut then. I'm going to see what you do. This is great.

That would, that would be people with that. How many do you think I should cut Red Band's hair for? Episode 500. I'm in. Your next comedian goes by the name of Andrew Breen. Andrew Breen with a B. Here he comes from deep in the back of the room. We have a good looking audience here tonight.

They really, really are. Extremely good looking people here. Clap one more time for Andrew Breen. All right. OK. Now, as everybody can tell by looking at me, I take fantasy football very seriously. I have to because the league I'm in is a punishment league,

right? That means if I come in last place, I got to do a punishment. And guess who came in last place this year? So what I got to do is go to my local high school that I graduated from and retake the SATs. Yeah, the full test. And I didn't do great the first time,

so can't imagine seven years of not really reading a book is going to help me with this test. Thing is, I tried to start reading again when I came in last, and I've lost it. I'm slow. I'm just too slow now. I'm like one page every 10 minutes. And I got speed readers as friends,

and they'll brag, they'll rub it, and they'll come up to me like, I just read the Harry Potter series in two days. So I do, I've been reading Harry Potter for six months, and Harry doesn't even know he's a wizard yet. So that's where I'm at. But I'm not academic. I'm not stupid. I'm just not academic, which kind of sucks,

because my parents were both extremely academic. They both skipped two grades. My uncles aunts, everyone skipped a grade. Everyone's skipping grades. I skipped class all the time, but I never made the full grade. Never the full grade. That'd be ballsy, skipping the full grade. Freshman year, fuck that shit.

There you go, Andrew Breen. Shades of Fifth Street around us. Andrew, welcome. Welcome to the show. Grab that microphone. Grab that microphone. I'm going to talk with you. I have a bunch of questions for you.

Sounds good. First of all, this is very exciting. This is the first time we've had a full-sized man with a midget head on the show. Very rarely. Big Peter Dinklage. You are the world's largest midget. That's why my dad always called me Big Dink my whole life.

You are the yow-ming of midgets. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a cat with cerebral palsy? I don't think anyone gets that. Do you think anyone gets that? What do you mean, the joke? Cat with cerebral palsy? Well, first of all, that sound you heard after I, Andrew,

stop talking. The sound that you heard after I made the joke that you asked if they got. That strange sound that you hadn't heard since you got up here? That was the sound of laughter. So yeah, they got it. I think they just like you.

Thank you, Andrew. Again, I'm still talking. But that was that sound. And yes, they got it. But are you a cat with cerebral palsy? No, not that I know of. It works because it's a callback from what happened earlier. You weren't here, but you should have just

assumed that they knew what I was talking about. How long have you been doing comedy, Andrew? Just a couple of years. Couple of years, all here in Austin, Texas? No, it's my first day I've ever been in Austin from Boston, Massachusetts. Oh, cool, from Boston to Austin. You know what's next?

Lost in space, everybody. Am I right? I don't know what I'm saying. Sometimes I'm quick, sometimes I'm not. Andrew, let's talk about it. Couple of years of stand-up comedy. What do you think? You brought up actual pictures on the podcast.

What's that guy's name again? I was just trying to see if this was Christopher Titus, but it's not. The headset comedian, Christopher Titus. So welcome, welcome, Andrew. What made you come from Boston here? No comedy in Boston. Everything's shut down still.

Right. And what made you come to Austin, though, and not anywhere else specifically? Just a couple of friends. Wanted to do comedy. Oh, so you came with like a, did you guys drive or fly? Fly. OK.

How long you been in town for? Week, next Sunday. All right. What else do you have planned? Where else are you planning on going around Austin to stand up? Across the street. It was the, was it something pig?

A blind pig? I don't know. I don't do open mics anymore, but I was curious to know if you knew what you were doing this week. I know what gigs I'm doing. But I do open mics, open mics, strictly open mics. I love it. Andrew, tell us more about you.

What do you do for work? I do construction. Really? Yep. If anyone needs a garage floor made of concrete, I got you. OK. And I'll tell you a joke. Oh, no.

No, I forgot. No, no, no. How about just the concrete? How much for just the concrete? No joke. For free. For free for that set. How much for a nice, silent garage floor?

Yeah. Pro bono on the house. I love it. I love it. So is that something that your father did? You had a dad? Yeah, not exactly. He did concrete.

But I do have a dad. He did concrete. Not exactly that. But it's where I got it from. My dad did concrete, too. He walked on it at the other direction. I didn't have a dad. I don't know that.

That's fun. What do you guys think about Andrew Breen? Is there a wine shank? Jamar neighbors? I just got this picture of John Claw Van Damme pulled up. Nope, that's not him. He doesn't even look like John Claw Van Damme. Yeah, I know.

But I was trying to just pull up pictures of other people. I'm trying to match what his forehead looked like. Just put zero eyebrows. Yeah, that's it. What happened to your eyebrows? I should have drawn those in. I should have drawn those in. Can we draw eyebrows on you and you do a different minute

later in the show? Can we do that? Eyebrows, eyebrows. Is there a woman out there with an eyebrow thing that can draw eyebrows on this guy? Does anyone want to participate and help the show? Female Kill Tony fans don't wear makeup. This is the catch with this show.

No, I'm kidding. All right, we'll figure it out. Yeah, man. Anybody have it? What do they call that? What do they call an eyebrow pencil? Yeah. Janice, you got one?

Or a Sharpie. Sharpie. Hey, would you be willing to do another set later on with Sharpie eyebrows? Yeah, bright blue, anything. No, no, no, black. Yeah, no, we're going to do jet black, for sure. I will do another minute.

Different material, I promise. All right, well then, now that I know we're going to do a Sharpie, and I think, did you have an idea, Sarah? No, I feel like I'll trust you more with eyebrows. OK. Can we also draw the lines across this forehead, like the expression lines?

And they can't be too excited eyebrows, but maybe just a little bit of excitement, you know. They have to be pretty. They have to be pretty big. Yoni, you want to do it? Well, I mean, I already have a Sharpie. The Sharpie isn't a problem. Someone's going to draw the eyebrows.

Andrew, go get your eyebrows done. It's Andrew Breen, everybody. He's going to be back later. He's going to do a new 60 seconds with eyebrows. I love that. My guess, by the way, my guess is that he's going to fucking destroy with eyebrows. I know.

I know it for a fact. There's no way he doesn't destroy this room with eyebrows. It's the only thing he's missing. Punch lines, too, but also eyebrows. But you guys having fun out there? Hold another name out. Let's see what happens here. Colton Doring, or Dowling, perhaps.

Colton begins with a D, ends with a G, some rough handwriting. Colton, you're next on Kill Tony. I'm not seeing any movement. And the guy's handwriting is so bad, I feel like he might not be here. I've hosted this show so long, I can tell a lot, just from a person's handwriting. Yeah, there's nobody coming.

Oh, there he is. He's at the complete top of the line. Is this Colton coming in? He's all the way back there. All right, here he comes. Coming up. Running a bit late. Here comes Colton Dowling, or Doring, or Dow Long.

One more time for Colton, everybody. Hey, guys. A little bit about me. Grub gay. Still I am. Still doing that shit. Sometimes we'll be like, oh, you don't look gay. You don't look gay.

You ever get that? You should get it more often. You don't look gay at all. You should say what I say is, you should seem to have sex. No, the way I do it is always with dudes. Pretty cool. Anybody not from Texas in here? Not from Texas.

Where are you from? Denver. Well, you can go to jail for weed in Texas. So for me, sorry, I just ran over from the Russian house because I was drinking vodka in there. So I'm just like, oh, fuck. So my pandemic was a little weird because I went to jail for weed.

Yeah, it was not cool. Wasn't stoked about it either. Let's just say you don't have to sell cigarettes to be king of that castle. Dude, I don't know what I'm saying. My castle, I mean, the Aryan Brotherhood. Oh my god. Those boys are so gay, they're like, your eyes are so blue.

And I'm like, shut up. They're like, no, you have the perfect head shape. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I went to a little gossip stores on our bunk beds and I was like, who's your favorite boy? He was like, Hitler. I'm like, shut up. Don't have time.

Thank you guys. There it is, Colton. What's your last name, Colton? Dowling. Dowling. All right, I was close there. Absolutely. Welcome to the show.

Good set. How long have you been on stand up? Three years? Four years. Awesome. Hell, yeah. Did you start at a comedy club or the Dallas Buyers Club? Ah.

Ah. I'm just kidding. I actually started at UCB as a improv cult boy. OK. OK. And how long ago was that? That was a few years ago? It was about four years ago.

All right, awesome. And you decided immediately, being around that many sketch people, that you needed to do stand up comedy. Actually, I played professional rugby and I blew up many and I couldn't dance on stage so well, so I stood now. OK. You played professional rugby? Not anymore.

Right, right. You're so gay you even blew your knee. That's incredible. Very rare in which a man blows his own knee. Incredible. I've never heard of a gay rugby player before. What? I mean, I also don't know many rugby players.

You should want to say movies I do. They're all gay. It's huge, right? Like the gay community and rugby go together, like polo kind of. I don't know about polo, but sure, I've imagined many things, so sure. You really went to jail for weed?

No, I'm sorry. Oh, OK, no, it's good. I was panicking because I was drinking. Jamar, were you that gay in jail? Well, I wasn't in jail, but I would have been. I definitely would have been for sure. Oh, I was going to be like, I bet you had bitches. No, I was a bitch in my imagination if it was a thing,

but it wasn't a thing. I bet you was bitches. I would have been many bitches. Yeah, you would have gone right into the jail and been like, excuse me, can I have the soap, please? I would have, for sure. Hell, yeah. Drop it like a microphone.

I like him. I like you. I think you're fun. I like your outfit, cool black socks. You came out confident. You had some punch lines. I feel like you're secure in your identity, which is always good to see on stage.

You don't always see it. It's true. Absolutely. Owning it in Texas. I mean, there's a lot of guys here that pulled out their weapons when you said that you were gay, and you just kept moving forward. It's actually fantastic.

What part of Texas do you live in, here? I live here, but I'm not from here. I'm an army brat. OK. What where were you? Germany, France, England, Colorado, California, and lots of places. My goodness.

Do you have any strong opinions on potato head? That's a good question. It was always genderless. Like, there was never anything there. His name was Mr. Yeah, but there was a Mrs. and who gives a shit, you know? Like, do you think there's one transgender person sitting at home going like, oh, this is pissing me off

and writing letters? Yes. Yes, I don't know if you've ever met a transgender person before, but yes, they get pissed off pretty easily. The only group to do so, huh? I love it. Colton, what else are you into? What do you like to do for fun?

Watch Rugby now. I'm a plant boy, like a lot of plants. A plant boy. Yeah, I like to do comedy, don't do a lot of writing. How about for fun? Like, I train dogs. Oh, nightlife comedy. You train dogs?

I train dogs. Oh, my goodness. Wait, you guys don't train dogs? It's weirder to me. You guys seem crazy. Stay bent over. Is that mustache real? Do you know my joke?

No, yes, it is. Oh, I thought it was tape on. I wish you had your Mohawk on right now, because it's the same thing. Oh, yeah. You've seen Jamar's famous Mohawk before? Yeah. Where have you seen that at?

We did Barrels and Am together at S3, and then I just went on early, so I understand why you don't see me. Actually, no, you call me the fancy football. I had bright yellow shoes on. You're like, you see that gay guy with bright shoes? And I was like, yeah. Oh, wow.

OK. All right, down sometimes I don't remember the many gay men that I make fun of in average show. Fair enough. I love it. Do you want it to be mustache-like? No, I'm just trying to. I take in people's physical like crazy,

so I'll be looking at them up and down like, damn, man, are those at 32? Depends. Are they at 32? Should they be? They're actually at 30. I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it. I just didn't want to say that shit. Hell, yeah. What kind of dog is the worst two trains? I have two shits, and almost impossible to train shits is. Small dogs, every time, because everybody's like, oh, they're adorable, but they're not. They're assholes, and they suck.

And they're inbred. And they're inbred. You got to meet. All dogs are inbred. You have to meet myself and Irene, mustache. Yeah. That's it. I was like, come on.

All right, Houlton. Well, just be observational. No, but you're right. It does look like his mustache could just peel off. Yeah. Yeah. Are you married? I did.

I just got married a month ago. Whoa. Congratulations. That's cool. Hey, marriage. You're in Texas. Yeah. It was more of a tax break than anything,

but we're going to love each other. I promise not to ruin your religion. We didn't. We just said, should we do this? Y'all just daft it up like, yeah, nigga. Yeah. That was it. We just were like, well, we didn't fist bump, but.

Oh, y'all daft dicks. You guys fuck or something? You guys celebrate in any way? You have like a honeymoon or something like that? We were going to Europe as soon as we can. Honest. OK. Yeah.

All right. Yep. Let me try to go to Berlin and do some dungeon stuff. But you are sexually active with your husband. Wait, what do you mean dungeon stuff? You said that so fast. Let's back up and talk dungeon stuff. Was that like some SNM shit?

What do you mean dungeon stuff? Describe dungeon stuff. Dungeon stuff is, you guys are familiar with bath houses. You don't have to have a bath to do all the many things that you would do in a bath house. There's swings. There's whips. And you just like, oh, meet strangers.

But you do it without the shame of not fucking them. Without the shame of not fucking them? Without the shame. That was a lot of negative. You don't have to go to the back of a subway and just act like, oh. Yeah, you don't have to go bad about it. You're like, you swing good.

You're like, yeah, I'm like. Wait, you just go swing naked? No, you fuck them too. There's a guy sitting there. I just want to know, what happened to these dungeons? What do you get, like an STD vaccine before going in there or something? Cross your fingers or something.

I don't know. OK, hell yeah. The old cross your fingers and spread your cheeks. Yeah. So you go into Europe first. You go into Europe to fuck on some swings. Yeah. That's fun.

I mean, you could do that in a part. Yeah, you could do that at Barton Springs. Yeah, we do. We just want to do what we just want to do with a man who talks weird, you know. I love it. All right, Colton. Fun set.

Thank you all, bro. There you go. Colton Dowling, everybody. On to the next one we go. Moving forward. Right now, somewhere, David Breen is getting eyebrows drawn onto his face. I just got confirmation it was done, Tony.

Wow, it's already done? Yeah. Wow. How exciting. I requested the rock. Oh, well, that's really going to sort of mess it up if you think about it, because it's just going to look like shit's on his face instead of eyebrows,

but all good. Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Stankto Robbins is the next on Kill Tony. Oh, my goodness. Zach Stankto Robbins is coming to the stage. I just think he's got the same mustache. Here he is one more time for Stankto, Zach Robbins. Yes, my friends do call me Stankto,

but you only get that story if you sign up for my OnlyFans. But I drink too much, and I ended up on FarmersOnly.com. But I got a date with a cowboy this weekend, so I'm going to fuck that guy. Goddamn. I don't go to the farm. Goddamn. I don't go to church.

I can just be a hypocrite at home. I don't know why they call it hand lotion. It just ends up on my crotch. The Bible Belt is basically also the cousin belt. If you didn't laugh at that, you're a cousin fucker. What's the best flavor of Axe body spray you'd recommend for babies? I'll suck the hair off a Wookie's dick

just to see what it looks like. What, no Star Wars fans? I thought they said anal beans, and I'm over here shoving dry pinto beans up my ass on a curious, not alone. Beads, beads, feels kind of the same. What's it called when you put a candy cane in your girl's butt? Sexual harassment, unless you use a cherry candy cane, then it's her ass cherry.

But if a girl's letting you put candy canes in her ass, that cherry's been busted before. Y'all have ever 69? There it is, Zach Stanktoe. Robin's pushing it to the limits. Hell yeah, Stanktoe. I like your fucking style, bro. Thank you, thank you.

Came up, guns a-blazin' with a good stage presence, then went straight, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Throw in all the shit, see what sticks. You're fucking doing it, man. How long have you been on stand-up? Three months. Three months? I had a hand for Zach, everybody.

What the fuck? It appears as though the trick to the show is doing jokes. I've been watching for a year, so I mean, I was fucking ready. I love it, fuck yeah, what buckies do you work at? What do you do for work? I'm a professional videographer for sports, music, and comedy. Awesome, fuck yeah, Zach Robbins. You live here in Austin?

Face the crowd, Zach, you've seen the show. I did live in Austin for 13 years, but recently moved back to Fort Worth to please my wife, and then she left six months ago. Oh, wow, how long were you with your wife for? Oh, like five years. OK, and why'd she leave you? Make it a sauna!

Red Band thinks it's a black man. That's what that sound means. I mean, I don't know. I was out of work for six months, and then the first day back to work, she was gone. Wow, Mikey. It's basically she didn't have her own life and personality, and I was trying to still have my own life and personality,

and she wasn't happy with herself, and I was killing myself trying to make her happy. Neither one of us were happy. It's mutual, it's all good. You drink at night a lot, so you have your own social life, right? I have a problem. You do?

I'm drinking Blackberry Ciders out of a Rockstar blueberry can in the line, waiting, I mean. Yep, yep, you have a problem. You look like a police catcher that last motherfucker that was up here. Yeah, he was flexing on my mustache. It's all I can see from up there is a motherfucker trying to have a better mustache.

What are y'all running from? What's up with that green highlighter? I saw that, do you? I was going to highlight the best shit, but it's all good. I don't know. Oh, OK. Yo, jokes were lit, though. You need one?

Thank you. Yeah, your jokes were lit. I respected it. You move your feet a lot. I'm new at this. I don't know. You do. I know your jokes are great, but when you're fucking

Crip Walking, and it's a little, to be honest, it's a little distracting, is all I'm saying. It takes away from those bayers. I've never seen an undercover cop Crip Walk like that before. It is incredible. Yeah, that's definitely nerves. This wasn't carpet. I'd moonwalk up and down this bitch.

Yeah, that's definitely nerves. You could also tell when you do your jokes. If I don't hold this stand, I'm just going to. But when you do your jokes, you let them breathe a little. You kind of did like a William Montgomery, where you're just like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like, let the people laugh and like figure it out. Thank you.

I love that compliment. I'd take that all day. Sure, yeah, you could take your time. Really much easy. Yeah. The tattoos, are you the Zodiac killer? No, I'm too young. I mean, I'm old as fuck, but I'm too young for that.

OK, so it's a square, a triangle, and a circle. Are you just excited about geometry? Or a PlayStation? I knew so. Show the audience your horrible tattoos so that everybody can see what the panel is about. Imagine that these shapes were around before PlayStation. Just imagine that.

Oh, look at that. Yeah, of course. It's the symbols for Taoism. I used to be deep, but now I grew up. If it was the PlayStation controller, I'd ask where the X is, but she's in poor worth. That's what I said. Jesus Christ.

Even with him stepping on the punchline, I was able to get through that one. I see you over there. People, it's always common. Zach Robbins. I'm not even divorced yet. I already got dumped by a new girlfriend this weekend. I'm fucking killing her.

Is that true? That is true. What'd she dump you for? I'm not putting in as much as she is, even though I told her, I'm not even divorced. Zach, listen a little bit better. Are you, would you think you might be bad in bed? You think you might be bad sexually?

I get a certain there's something in my gut telling me. Tony, Tony, Tony. It's not about how big your dick is. It's about how much sex you're doing. I didn't ask you if you had a big dick, Zach. No, it's not. It's not about how big your dick is. It's about how much pussy you get.

I still, you still, you're not, Zach, you're not listening to anything I'm saying right now. Do you think you might be bad in bed? Well, now that you mention it, fuck. Have you, has anyone ever criticized? I'm freaking super deep now, yeah. Has anyone ever criticized you sexually? Zach, you never eat my pussy?

Does that ring a bell? Oh, no, that's, no, that's all I'm good at. Not a problem with that. But what about the, what about that? With a half a dick, you gotta be good at this. Come on, man, come on. What do you mean half a dick? Why do you have a half a dick?

I'm slightly below average. By slightly below average, I mean extremely below average. By extremely below average, it's gotta be a really warm day to see anything. Oh, my God. I know a good dog groomer that can help you with that. You can trim your pubes all around it, make everything look bigger.

Go ahead, Jim Mark. I haven't shaved it back to get every piece that I could get out of it. Your first five jokes you were speaking about, having sex with men, is that, are you bi, too? What's up, bro? Are you trying to talk already? Nah, nigga, nah, I'm good.

I'm just trying to figure out who to fuck everybody is about. I'm single now, my wife left. And why I'm the only person I like pussy anymore. You guys should hook up. If you guys started fucking, it would look like it. And I fucked the shit out of him. He can't handle nothing I got coming out of my pants.

He asked. He ain't ready. It's mine, not mine, he asked. He know he gotta walk to work tomorrow. He can't walk like that, if I wanted to do it. Let me find out. All righty. I'm sorry.

It's OK. Zach, what else would we be shocked to know about you? You seem like you've had an interesting life. Are there any other fun facts about you? Yeah, can I mention five things you can ask real quick. Used to rob beer trucks, used to make fake concert tickets. I had my scrotum ripped open. Slow down, slow down, slow down.

It's cute what you're doing this, I can talk fast thing. But we can all talk fast. Let's just go one by one. Stop trying to auction me off. One by one. I once had eight stitches on the right side of my scrotum. Why? How'd that happen?

I jumped a BMX bike and tried to bail and did not make it. OK, what else? What were the other things you said really fast? I used to rob beer trucks and sell the beer. I used to make fake concert tickets. I single-handedly stopped a concert one time. How'd you stop a concert one time? I was kept stepping on this plastic yard,

the tall margarita things. And I threw it behind. I tried to throw it up, and it went straight behind me. And it hit the guitarist right on his guitar. And he stopped the whole edge fest. All right, fuck it, fuck it. Jesus Christ. You played too much to sound like.

He told the whole crowd to fucking beat me up in the pit. What's the band? Yeah. POD. That's why I threw the shit at them. Wow. They were so alive. So I had to throw some shit at them.

I'm so alive. Sad. For the beautiful time. You have a great energy, man. I loved your, we all loved your jokes. I mean, it just goes to show. You know, listening to this show and taking it seriously can advance you so much in stand-up comedy.

You can slow down your timing, man. Just slow down. I only have a minute, bro. He was doing one-liners. Red Band is this thing where he thinks one-liner comedians should talk more slowly. I did buy jokes just for Red Band. No, you should slow down.

Even if you have one minute, you could just do half the jokes. Just let them fucking. Yeah, you have good jokes. When you're tap dancing like that, it's a little distracting, but your jokes are really great. Yeah, broke and scrotum. Yeah, you got good footwork. It's a Franken-Sack or Zipper Nuts.

Everything went really well for you tonight, Zach Stankto-Robbins. Congratulations. There you go. You know he's going to get shit-faced tonight. Zach Stankto-Robbins. He's on Instagram at stankto-claruso. C-L-A-R-U-S-S-O. Hey, you guys in the mood for a special treat?

Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, one of the regulars is here, everybody. This young man just killed it all weekend in Miami, Florida with us. Famous for his roasting abilities and incredibly great joke writing. Here with a brand new minute for you. All the way from Los Angeles, California,

it's the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Yeah. Yeah. I hate fast food workers, bro. Because when you go to the drive-thru and ask them niggas for extra sauce, they look at you like you just asked them for some pussy.

Like, I'm not trying to fuck. I just want some extra sauce for my niggas, bitch. I'm glad it snowed in Austin last week, because now girls will finally understand that four inches is a lot. Like, how dare you talk about my dick, bitch? Your whole city got shut down for four and a half inches. Woo!

I think Australia is the worst country in the world. Everything there is deadly, and they can't even kill themselves like true Americans. Them niggas have no guns. You either got to get bit by a snake or hang yourself to die in Australia. That shit sucks. All right, yeah.

The great David Lucas is here, everybody. Unbelievably great joke, as always. Thanks, man. Coming in, flexing your muscle that we all know that you have, hitting underneath all that muscle cover. Get the fuck out of here. What have you been hunting, leftovers? David is wearing hunting gear here, ladies and gentlemen.

You look like a Volkswagen seat cover. Shut your ass up. You're going to get your ass out of here, bruh. My goodness. You look like you've been swishing Hennessy in your mouth, brown-teeth bastard. Oh, my god. Brown-teeth.

No, I'm fucking with you, Todd. You are reaching for new things that don't even exist. God damn, I'm trying to come up with something. It's like making fun of you for being skinny. Look at this hunting gear you have on. This is incredible, man. You know I'm a country boy, man. You have an enlarged heart and an enlarged car heart as well.

It's incredible. Look at this. When are you ever near the woods to blend in exactly? Oh, my god. Oh, my god. What are you doing? Like, what exactly is happening here? Oh, my god.

Oh, no. I must be jet lagged. I don't feel like roasted. Oh, oh, oh, oh, somebody's tired. This is when we pile on, everybody. I like the apparel, man. Thank you, dude. I like the ripped jeans and shit.

Thank you. This nigga look like the incredible ham hawk. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. If you don't get your strong day, you should pay a look at that. I am rich, bitch. I love it. I like that fucking snow joke with dick size.

Yeah, that was great. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. So, David, how was your flight? You had fun in Miami all weekend? Yeah, my flight was dumb as fuck. There was no direct flights from Miami to Austin,

so I had to fly to Minneapolis. And then from Minneapolis to Austin, I browsed the air for like six hours. It was so stupid. Must have been tough for you, because there was nothing mini about you. You're a Max Appalachian. Yeah, bro.

I love it. I ain't going to tell them niggas what I saw. You're doing this off beach. What do you see? What do you see? Tell me. Tell me in my ear. Tony was roller skating down Collins Boulevard,

but as naked. Yeah, backwards. Backwards, yeah. That's me. Very good. I suck right now. Very good. You know it's going good when you're getting help from red

band on your roast judge. I was skating backwards. My brain is too foggy right now. I love it. Hell, yeah. It's all that fucking barbecue. You come in here, you just up on. I had to, bro.

I'd be missing barbecue when I'm not in Austin, dog. I got to eat quinoa and shit when I'm in LA. Jeez, and then you come here, and you just roll right in the fucking house of carbs. Like Kevin taking up too much space. That's a good one. They not respecting you tonight, bro. That was a good one.

I don't care. The podcast listeners. Jamar, what do you got to say? I like your shoes. The Yeezy's? Yeah, those are some Yeezy's. All right, I got to go take a shit. Why would they be?

Because they're big. Because they're big. Jamar, you got on Powerpuff Girls shoes, nigga. Sugar and spice and everything nice. Gay foot ass, nigga. He called me a gay foot ass. You should have gave them to that gay nigga that said he went to jail.

Get your flag twirling ass out of here, nigga. This nigga got the whole Amazon on his shirt. All right, boy, you got the whole Amazon. It's real monkeys and shit on his shirt, nigga. Hey, don't this nigga, Jamar, look like he sell incense and body oil, nigga? Get your stupid ass up out of here. Hey, David, lips look like hotlings.

That's how fatty he is, nigga. Hey, boy, if you don't get your field gold mouth having ass up out of here, nigga. If you don't get your black liquor rich braid having ass up on out of here, nigga. You look like you brush your teeth with a chainsaw, nigga. Get your stupid ass up out of here. All this nigga features is big.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, boy, every time you make an important life decision, you wash Jumanji, monkey face ass, nigga. This nigga look like Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce. You think these white people know who this is? Shade tree mechanic looking, nigga. And this nigga, David, arms look like the Mexican meat on the fucking taco truck.

You look like the nigga that invented fake teeth. You're going to stupid ass up out of here. David, look like the vending machine that keep your chips and your money. You look like you beat niggas up in a group on for two paves. Such a mess. This is a battle of the titans. Gotta love it.

Get on. That was beautiful. Get on. That's it. All right, nigga. Damn. David Lucas, just goes to show. You can summon the roast gods every once in a while.

Never once out of the years of working together, heard him say, I'm not in the mood to roast. But he was not going to let Jamar destroy him on his own show. No, Tony could, but not Jamar. Fuck that. This ugly ass nigga. Ugly. Fuck your six pack, nigga.

Ugly. You look like diarrhea in the face, nigga. This nigga have brontosaurus bones. If you don't get your athlete's foot more fast, somebody help why? Athlete's foot. Yeah, yeah, but you look like you get baseball cleat facials, nigga.

Baseball cleat facials. I'll take it. You ain't pretty yourself, nigga, on your birth certificate. He ain't got a signature. It's just two monkey feet on the fucking birth certificate, nigga. I love these monkey references, because I never get to say that.

No, no, no, you don't. Jamar, you so black and ugly, your birth certificate say nigga. You going to make these white people laugh at that, nigga? Hey, don't you bar look like a good ass field, nigga? You look like you was in charge of putting horseshoes on horses, nigga. I fucked that up.

Shut up. Shut up if I pick all the cotton in this big ass motherfucking field right here. And that shit nappy nigga, I'd be here all fucking day fucking around with you, Tony. Voodoo bracelet with that ass, nigga. Oh, pink lip shaved. Watching YouTube.

Have a cheesy night. Watching YouTube beat each other up is one of my ass, nigga. You ain't starting it again. I have a two start limit on jokes that I'm going to give you. I love it. That was my favorite scene from Django Unchained, what just happened here. I absolutely love it.

You're welcome, Master Candy. We call that. You can't say Candy or David's going to pass out. Or a foot going to come off. We call that part demonetized on YouTube. Yeah, that shit. There you go. It's all good.

David, unbelievably great performance. Thank you. He came in, absolutely killed it, did what you do best. And I love it. Thank you so much. David Lucas is here all week. David, David, David. You doing any shows here this week?

You want to plug up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at the Vulcan tomorrow. I'm at somewhere else. Vulcan Wednesday. Vulcan Wednesday and Jamar show. There you go. You guys have shows.

Sunday I'm at the Vulcan and next Wednesday, I mean, next only 11. OK, there you go. I'm in San Antonio. There it is, everybody. David Lucas, everybody. Show's all week for you here. Lineshank, Jamar, David Lucas, everybody's in town.

It's comedy Christmas time here in Austin, Texas. Hey, how about a hand for Zach Bogus? He's here keeping everything clean, switching out one mic for a new sanitary mic. Dude, my favorite part was when Jamar said that his shirt was the whole jungle. All right, pull it out of the name out. Make some noise for Zachary Gonzalez.

Zachary Gonzalez is next on Kill Tony. How about a hand for the band, everybody? Come on, we're having fun here. It's a Monday night. We famously have more fun on Monday nights than anyone else. One more time for Zachary Gonzalez. All right, I'm pretty sure I just peed a little bit. All right, so let's address the obvious.

I'm a little overweight here. I'm a bisexual, so I like to call myself a part-time queer, because I like my pussy with a side of cock. I get kind of tired up here, because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but I had a whole thing wrote, and it's all gone already. Full-time is too much pressure, because guys are fucking gross. We smell like shit.

We put our dicks where it don't belong. You got to worry about catching things, like crabs, and AIDS, and feelings. Yeah, so I met this guy on Tinder, and he had a fucked-up looking dick, man. Because normally, you get the little good-looking bend up, right? No, that's not what happened.

He had two PVC pipes, one sticking straight out, and the other completely cocked to the left. When he pulled his cock out of my mouth, he hooked me like a fucking trout. And yeah, it was not good. Yeah, and there it is. Cut it off. Fuck me.

There you go. We're not cutting it off. That's a minute Zachary Gonzalez, everybody. Welcome to the show, Zachary Gonzalez. I am surprised to find out that you are a bisexual man, because I thought you were a straight lesbian. Oh, that's a good point. That's a good point.

Welcome to the show. I always wondered what Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman's kids looked like. It's good to finally see what comes out of the other end of that. That fucked Danny DeVito. I love it. It's good looking, dude, because he's kind of short. I love it.

Welcome to the show. Here he is, sideshow blob, everybody. This is exciting. Zachary, how long have you been on stand-up comedy? This is my first time on stage. Wow, it's first time ever, everybody. Look at that. How exciting.

I was pretty sure it was not going to get called. People come here, pop their fucking cherries, just like that. How old are you, Zach? I'm 22. 22? Adorable. That's how old I was when I started. Just think.

Oh, that's so inspiring. 14 years from now, you could be one of the top young rising comedians in the world. You know, that kind of makes me want to kill myself, but that's OK. Why? Why does that make you want to kill yourself? Of all the things to kill yourself for, why would that make

you want to kill yourself? It's kind of an everyday thing. How about those crystals? What kinds are those? I know you know exactly what kind of crystals those are. This is a good luck charm. So there's nothing. I got it from somebody.

You got a lot of flair. Yeah, man. I'm taking it in. You look like Rachel Dolezal a little bit. Face the audience more. Square up to the crowd so they can see exactly the group. I want to look at this audience to just, you know. What, are you going to finish that thought?

Do you realize you're talking into a microphone right now? Not really, no. No, I know. Maybe you should have something before you start talking. It would be really good. That's some great advice. I could give somebody their first time on stage. Hey, did a dude really fish hook you with his dick?

No, but he did have a pretty bent dick. I mean, it was kind of like at a 45 degree angle, not like a full 180. So like. Did you have a protractor? I'm just going to assume it, you know, estimating. Damn, boy. Yeah, I'm thinking, wow, I'm out here.

All right, Zach, what do you do for work? I am a barber student. I'm about to have my license. Fourth generation. Wow, OK, so here we are. This is it. How long have you been student-ing in the study of barber? For my entire life.

My grandfather's a cunt. OK, you want to explain that a little bit more? Well, he started the business and my mom is a cosmetologist and my grandfather's a barber. My great-grandfather's a barber. All my cousins. Whoa. Did they do that to your hair?

No, this is all me, man. That's why it's all fucked up. You look like young rock. Yeah, you look like Weird Al at Lil Affair. You know, I love Weird Al, though. He's a beautiful human being. How long does it take you to get a license for, like, say, doing hair? So it used to be 1,500 hours.

It's down to 1,000 hours. So I did, like, 750. Jesus fucking Christ, 1,000 hours? Yeah. You can get a pilot's license. There you go, Tony. I'm telling you, man. Make it shit up.

I did 750 hours when I was 19 and then I just kind of dropped out because I was tired of all the bullshit. And I went and traveled for about a year. It was pretty good. OK. All right, Zachary. As far as stand-up goes, in five years, where do you see yourself? Under a bridge.

For real? And under some cardboard, probably. Still writing jokes, though. The suicide jokes really don't work for you because they seem so believable. They say cardboard. You know, almost people live in a car. You don't even have a neck.

How are you going to hang yourself? No neck. Be more realistic, man. So how close are you to barber them? Fuck, man. Party fell. You make me nervous. It's OK.

Stick with me over here. How much longer do you have until you're officially a barber? I just have my last test, practical exam. And I'm pretty much just going to wing it just like everything in my life. OK. What do you have to do for the practical exam? I've got to stand in front of three people.

We all got masks on because all this bullshit. And I pretty much just do a couple of manicure. I do a full cut. I do a facial, not that kind of facial. Ooh. And a pere. Yeah. All right.

Zachary Gonzalez, what do you like to do for fun? What are some, what are 22-year-olds in Austin doing for fun nowadays? Pretty much what all 22-year-olds have been doing forever, which is drinking and fucking. You fuck? Oh, yeah, I fuck. Wow.

Who do you? I look like I don't fuck, but I fuck. Who do you fuck? My mom. Yikes. So we know those two guys will laugh at anything, wherever that came from. Yeah, wherever those guys are.

I appreciate whoever that was. Thank you. You make me feel good. Which your mom say about your dick? Like, what she say about it? Is it, does she fuck with you? I mostly said that because she's not going to watch this, you know, because Zachary, stop answering that question.

So who exactly, in real life, without trying to make a joke, who exactly, like, the last time you had sex, what was that? Last time I had sex with this really clingy chick up in Gatesville, Texas. And I got really frustrated because she kept trying to pull my dick the wrong way. Like, with clingy girls, I've realized that when you're,

when they pull on a dick, it's like pulling a carrot out of the ground. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What kind of girl? With what kind of girl? There's a clingy chick. Clingy chick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you pull a dick the wrong way? No, seriously. So, like, you know, you just manhandle that shit, and just do this kind of shit, and it doesn't fucking work. It looks like you're trying to make a harvest out of carrots, you know, you're trying to pull that shit out of the ground, and it just, it doesn't work. I can't tell.

You know, I just, I don't, I don't fucking dig it. I don't know. Are you saying that she would, because you're really bad at describing what's going on here? You're saying that, wait, what? I'm just really fucking nervous. I don't know. It's OK.

Just relax. Breathe a little bit. Breathe in through your nose. Jesus. Stop trying to be funny. It's not going to work. Just relax. If you just, if you listen to me, it's all going to be OK.

First of all, rule number one, stop trying to be funny. It's not going to work. Hey, what you feel about, how you feel about Tiger Woods getting in that accident? Great question. Great question for him right now, Jamar. That's a perfect question for a guy that cannot improvise and has no real take on his own life.

Let's ask him about the Tiger Woods accident. I can't get him to answer simple questions about Zachary Gonzalez, but I'm sure his take after I literally told him not to try to be funny on the Tiger Woods thing, this is going to be great. How you feel about that? Yes. Tell us your genuine answer.

And if you can make your answer as long as possible, we'd all appreciate it. I didn't know it happened until right now. There you go. Perfect. I would expect nothing less. Do you have weird areolas? Yeah, actually.

Really? Would you be willing? How many of you think, how many of you want Zach to flash you right now, huh? This good looking couple here is not clapping their hands. All right, quick question. Am I going to get sued for this? Nope.

Put the mic in the mic stand and reap the benefits of audience approval. So I'd like everybody to know I've actually lost. Oh, you're going to ruin it. You're going to ruin it by talking. Yes. We just want to see your tits, bro. Whoa.

That's weird. Hey, wait, wait, wait, I didn't see him. Let me see. I think you already got your chance. Let me see this shit. Wait, let me see them bum ass titties, man. His nipples camouflage in with his actual chest. It's all camouflage.

It's like a David Lucas hoodie or something like that. There you go. What was that thing going down the middle, though? You had like a wire on. Oh, that was the, oh, yeah, he has a tiny little dream catcher over his heart. All right, there goes Zachary Gonzalez, everybody. Zachary Gonzalez doing comedy, boy 22 and angry already.

He's an angry young man. Just found out about Tiger Woods. There you go. So weird. Very unfortunate. There he goes. One more time for Zachary. He's he's he's like if Andre wasn't a giant.

He's like Andre, the regular sized boy. Mike dragon. Mike dragon is next. Here comes Mike. A steady pace coming from the back of the room. Man, I can't wait until everybody gets vaccines and we don't have to wait 35 seconds for comedians to make it to the stage.

That's going to be pretty exciting. How many of you already had the vaccine by round of applause? Yikes. How many of you have already had the coronavirus? All right, yeah, everybody. I love it. Here he is, everybody. Mike dragon.

Put your hands together for Mike. I'm fucking nervous. Wow, there's a lot of white people here tonight. Makes me feel kind of, I don't know, comfortable. Like things are going to go pretty good. So I'm from a small town in Ohio called Ash Tabula. It's the kind of place where people drink queso and ice on purpose.

If you've never drank queso and ice before, it's the kind of beer that the slogan might as well be, queso and ice. The headache means it's working. Do what you got to do. So last week, I got somebody yelling at me like, you look like a serial killer. I have no idea why.

None of my victims have ever escaped. Maybe I should embrace it. That's it. Okie dokie. When you hear that throat clear, you know that's the end of Mike dragon's set. Welcome, Mike. How are you?

Super nervous, but good. I love it. What are you so nervous about? I don't know, man. I just have really high anxiety. This is something everyone hypes up in the area, and I did not expect to get called. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Off and on about four years. Off and on about four years? Hell yeah, you were busy because you were part of the Trump administration? Absolutely. Yeah, I have to go all those rallies, man. Hell yeah. What do you do for work?

I work at a credit union. Super interesting. Oh, OK. So you're like a bank teller. Yeah, I am exactly a bank teller. OK, awesome. And four years off and on. Why is it off and on?

OK, so I'm from Cleveland area. That's where I did most of the stuff at. Indeed. We know Ash DeBiola well. I'm from Youngstown, Ohio. I actually just learned that recently. Very good. Yeah, that's awesome.

But so basically, I just got burnt out. I did a lot of stuff. We did like a suicide awareness show with a business associate of mine that ended up stealing $1,500 of mine in my car, who's actually lived somewhere in Texas. Wait, wait, wait. He's sold $1,500 out of your car?

Oh, sorry. $1,500 of my dollars that I gave to him because I'm a smart man. And he took my car. How did he take your car? Well, when you sell someone a car and they promise to give you money and they give you some money.

You signed over without even getting the money? No, no, he gave me the cash. And then I gave him the fucking slipper, whatever. But I never switched it over to him and he ended up like crashing it. It was a. Wow, you must be a shitty bank teller. I am.

I am. Looking at the deals that you make in your own life. It's incredible. Let somebody just put in a withdrawal slip. They don't even have an account. There you go. Take the money. Thanks for coming.

So we so when you was walking, Lady Gaga dogs and then they shot you. There you go. He shot you. Oh, fuck dude. I'm from the hood. You can't be doing that. From Compton, man.

Chill. Yeah. Yeah, man. How you feel about that, man? What kind of dog? Yeah, what kind of dogs was that? You was on the floor crying like a bitch. I saw the video.

I honestly don't know anything about that. Jamar, Jamar, let me help you out for a second. Thank you, Tony. When you ask people that aren't master improvisers made up questions like that, they will never know what to do. 100% of the time, it will never go good. I've seen it on this show before. We're at almost 500 episodes.

Fine. You look like Pete Holmes. You look like Pete Holmes. You look like Pete Holmes. Great. He does. Very few comedians have Philip Seymour Hoffman energies, but you pull it off well.

Tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that has some wacky hobbies. Am I right? Super wacky. Yeah, actually, I invest in stocks. And I recently made a shareload of money with GameStop. I don't know if you guys follow it.

Really? How much money did you make? Tell us the truth. All right, I'll be straight with you, and this is probably going to fuck me. So I put $7,500 in, and I left with $106,000. Yeah, dude. That's cool, man.

Damn. That's great. So no diamond hands on you. You have paper hands, they say. Yes, I do, but paper hands make fucking money. So fuck the diamond hands. Hey, look at that. That's fucking white people talk right there.

I love it. So you made a bunch of money with that. How about for fun? What do you do when you want to get loose, when you've had a stressful week at the credit union and you just want to fucking let it rip? What does a guy like Mike Dragon do? Mike Dragon.

Cry, no. Virtual reality, you fuck around with that? Whoa, look at that, man. Look at that. Would you be doing it in a virtual world? Yeah, what do you do? VR chat? Are we talking about VR chat?

I do a little bit of VR chat. It's got the quest, too. Yeah, VR porn's the best. If no one's ever tried it, you don't have a girlfriend. It's horrible. You did a double thumbs up for VR porn. So what do you do? You put on a helmet and hold a joystick?

Or what do you do? How exactly does that work? Yeah, you strap a toaster to your face, essentially, and then you have these two circle controller things. But where's the jerking off part? How does that happen? Oh, that, yeah. So no, you don't hold those when you're jerking off.

No, actually, the waste. What do you do? You just go to porn and just hang out? There's a YouTube channel. You're doing a good job, sir. Keep getting her there. Zooms all the way in. Just keep doing what you're doing.

There's a, you can actually go to YouTube, but no, you can install it, you know, or load it on from your computer, whatever. But no, it's from the view of the dude sitting down with his dick out or whatever. So the girl rubs her teeth. So if you look straight down, there's some other dude's dick there?

There's some other dudes. Is that exciting for you to see a giant, direct penis down there? Mine's medium, so it's all good. By the way, if you're a comedy fan, you could fuck Kate Quigley and VR doing that exactly. No, she's for real? Yeah.

Oh, dude. Wow. Look at that. Look at that. If you guys know who Kate Quigley is, it's a perfect white girl. Anyway, back to you. Oh, wow.

All right. I love it. I love it. What else about you, Mike? I feel like there's something that would be great to find out about you. I feel like you have a little secret. What's the biggest crime you ever committed?

Maybe got away with it. Smoked weed when I was 18. I'm very, like, a very good person. You're a very good person, huh? You really have a very good shit. I've sucked a couple dicks, does that count? Is that true? That's very true.

Just for fun? Yeah, essentially. Wow, even the red one was a second dick. How long ago was that? I was 18, 19. 18, 19. How old are you now? 33.

33. Hell, yeah, still gay. Doesn't matter exactly how long it's been still gay. Did you not like the taste or like what happened there? Mental health problems. I was really fucking depressed, and it felt pretty fucking good. You said the dick tastes like metal. Dicks?

A metal. Tastes like metal? Oh, I'm sorry. I heard half of that. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. No, I don't hear what I want to hear. It tastes definitely like dick. Oh, OK.

So you said that the reason why you sucked two dicks was because you were depressed? Yeah. Don't you ever do that? Have a cigarette, nigga. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's one of the last things people would try if the depression gets better.

Smoke a cigarette, not a dick. Yeah, both. I'm depressed. I just eat pussy, so I get that. Yeah, cool. Yeah, how about pro-zack before bro-sack? You know what I mean? There's other ways to treat depression.

Ooh, the band liked that one. That's crazy, man. Y'all niggas out here just sucking all the dick. I don't know what's that. This is a very, very gay episode of Hill Tony. It's a Texas thing, right? Man, that's sad. Oh, fuck out of here.

I don't even have to see any of it. Hey, team out. Talking about how excited he is that he'll never have to see any gay shit. Don't miss me. Don't miss me, nigga. All right. I love it.

So if you were to get very depressed, if something were to happen, let's say your buddy comes back and with your car and 1,500 and steals all the GameStop money that you made, you're super depressed, right? You think there's a chance that you could ever try to relieve your depression with sucking more dicks? Yeah.

Tony, is this an offer? Nope. Nope, but it's a good question if you answer it honestly without trying to be funny. No, the answer is definitely no. Really? Why do you think that is? Because I focus very much on improving my mental health.

I meditate every day. I do a bunch of stuff. I take it very seriously. That's great. So when you be smoking them dicks, do you spit the sperm in the asterisk? In the asterisk? Can I?

Why? Oh my god. Mike, this was awesome. Thank you, Tony. I don't know why you go off and on so much, but I think you should stick with this. You should do it a lot. It seems like something that is a good outlet for you

and that you enjoy and that it's a healthy break from being a stiff credit union bank teller. Fully agreed. Yeah. Thanks, Tony. You sure you haven't done anything naughty? Did you ever do anything? Anything that's sort of bad that you sort of felt

like you got away with and then you can't believe you got away with it? And maybe not a crime, but maybe it work, maybe this, maybe. When you were a kid, did you smell the toilet seat after your mom took a shit? There you go. You just thought of something. I thought it was red.

You just thought of something. No red band, ignore red band. Okay. Well, I didn't do anything illegal, but I got involved in this big legal case that was national news. Okay. What was that? I denied a black man cashing a check.

Fuck yes. This is exactly, I knew there was fucking something. God damn it. I knew there was something. It turns out I had to ask seven times to find out about the time he was on the quote, national news. Everybody. Fuck you.

So here we go. Hell no, you ain't sucking my dick. Come on, man, I'm depressed right now. No, you can't. Give me your penis. Jamar, Jamar, Jamar, Jamar. He licked his lips at Jamar. Jamar.

So Mike, let's talk about this. What exactly happened with this black man that wanted to cash his check? He just wanted to get money and being white, I can't give it to him. No, stop trying to be funny. Again, please, for the love of fucking God, stop trying to be funny people.

Okay. Answer the question honestly. Be straight, be straight. Exactly what happened. So basically this bank area that I was working at, there was a shit load of counterfeit checks. Like literally every week we would be calling the police. And so basically they,

by the way I was told never to talk about this, so. This is awesome. I know Mike, that's what I said. It feels like something you got away with, but maybe you could talk about it. I'm not gonna mention this. You're killing it right now. Awesome.

Fuck Wells Fargo. Yeah, yeah. But so yeah, we had a shit load of counterfeit checks come through and so I've never dealt with that before and they were like, oh, this is what you do. So I did everything I was told. I looked at the check, I checked all the stuff out. It looks nothing like anything we'd cashed before.

So I was like, all right, hey, started getting nervous, called my boss up, said, you know, check it. And so long story short, called the police, but the guy leaves because I'm a nervous Nelly and I gave him the check and said, oh, just go away. You know, we can't cash it, sorry. And he, I ended up, the cop came out.

I was like, is this the guy? Cool. Rested him, like pushing him up against, you know, whatever made him super embarrassed. Then apparently like two days later, the girlfriend went to the news, the local channel news or whatever and we started getting phone calls

from out of state people asking us all sorts of insane race-based questions and stuff like that. But yeah, fuck. But uh. I'm so bad. Come on. It's just in, white guy turns down black guy for cashing check.

I mean, this is a really national news. This happens every day, right? No, I mean, Jamar, do they ever look at you funny when you go in there? No, not really. Really? Wait, when I go in to the bank? When you go to cash a check?

Nah, man, I don't. You got his Jewish sweatshirt. Yeah, I'd be wearing his Jewish shit. Well, I mean, only time they're looking me for, nah, that's too easy. Just, yeah. I'll come back. Oh, and only when I wear a mask.

Banksy. Anyway, your nipples showing. Yeah, they are, they're very hard right now. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Mike Dragon, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one we go. We're having fun here.

This is a fun one. I'm excited. Oh yeah, oh yeah, we do. That's coming up in just a little bit. And don't forget, so is the reappearance. A brand new, never before seen minute from Andrew Breen with eyebrows coming up right around the corner.

For those of you thinking about leaving, I implore you. Yes! How about one more hand for this band? John Dees over there, cold-blooded assassin, literally my favorite local musician. My first show that I saw when I moved here to Austin, Texas, Gary Clark Jr.

Lucky. And if you haven't seen Gary and John Dees play together, you are missing out on something that I, I don't know, it's gonna sound outrageous, but I would compare it to like Roger Waters, David Gilmore, Kanye, Jay-Z, Watch the Throne. Who are those people? Two people that work together perfectly.

I recommend the spin doctors. There you go. He's from a different time, everybody. Put your hands together for David Flores. David Flores is next. That's funny because Roger Waters and David Gilmore played together for decades before the spin doctors. It's a new running joke, me saying that your references

are out of date. And then everything's older. Here comes David Flores, a steady pace to the stage. Oh, this guy's cool as shit. Put your hands together for David Flores, everybody. What's up, everybody? I had this appointment with this gyna, no, a gastroenterologist.

And I was there, like, because I was worried about this hemorrhoid and it ended up not being anything. Talk about that hemorrhoid louder. Yeah, I went to the gastroenterologist and I was worried about this hemorrhoid. It ended up being nothing, but I couldn't get this lady to look at my butthole, man.

And I was like, isn't that what you do? Aren't you the butthole doctor? And she was like, no, I gotta knock you out. And then I gotta put a camera up your butt. And I was like, why do you gotta do all that shit? I just want you to look at it. I wanna make sure it's not cancer. And she was like, no, you gotta pay me all this money.

I gotta knock you out. And I was like, I'm scared. I'm gonna say all this shit when I'm knocked out. So, yeah. I was like, I can do that myself. I put a camera up there and send you the footage, like an empty floor or whatever, edit that shit with an empty floor.

Jesus, okay, okay, David. My goodness gracious, absolutely. Fist bump from Jamar. Welcome, David. This is what happens when you let Red Band Ghost write your set before you get up there. Dude, you didn't do it right. Red put the stutters in there and everything.

Red Band, for those of you that have been longtime fans of the show, you'll be pleased to know that I'm letting you in on behind the scenes here. Red Band leaned into me halfway through that set and he goes, dammit, I already used my fart noise for this episode. There's another one there from Red Band. Yeah, I just started late, man.

I was almost done, but. No, it's all good. I'm sure there was a big fucking finish coming there. Big fucking dismount where you show the hemorrhoid or something like that. Welcome to the show. David, is your first time doing stand up? First time, yeah.

Hell, you make some noise for David Flores. All you people out there, you like to judge. You like to think I could do better than that. I could do this. I know I can. And then all of a sudden, there you are, not giving a man credit for having the balls to come up here.

You have the balls to come up here. I've been trying to do this since 2019, since before COVID. I met you at the San Antonio one. Okay, everyone in San Antonio looks exactly like you. So I don't remember that exactly. A lot of David Flores is out there in San Antonio. No, I'm from here.

No, okay, yeah. Welcome, David. He should do this set with his eyebrow shaved. Oh, interesting, interesting point. Weinstein, what do you think about this guy? I think if you're going to come up here and talk about hemorrhoids, at least fake, confident. You know what I mean?

Because talking about it, hemorrhoids are already vulnerable as fuck. So if you're nervous, it's like, should we be nervous that you're talking about your butthole? But if you come out and you're talking about your butthole confidently, then we can all get behind that. It's really true. It's a really, really smart point that she just made.

Is you're talking about a vulnerable thing and you're talking about it, it was sort of scared. But of course, it's your first time. Yeah. But that makes sense. I just forgot what I was going to say. Hell yeah. And also, have you ever put a,

have you ever actually put a camera in a woman asshole? No. Must see TV. Must see TV. It's great. There you go. There you go. Must see TV.

So David, let's talk about it. You just started your career in stand-up comedy, whether you want it or not. How old are you? I'm 32. 32 years old. What have you been doing up until this point? You work at a discount tire?

No, no, I'm barely graduating school. Barely graduated school, so you're a dog groomer. No, no. No? Yeah. No? Just been, I did a lot of bail bonds work early when I was younger.

Okay. I've been going school on and off, I guess. Okay. School on and off, you guess. What have you been studying? I'm in film school. I'm about to graduate this morning. Oh, sweet.

Fuck yeah, man. I like your style. You ever been in prison? No. Nope. You just have prison energies all the time. Yeah. You just naturally have that.

I'm from the border, I don't know, maybe. Oh, okay. What's, oh shit. You got Michael Gonzalez on drugs. I'm excited. That's what, if you say you're from the border, that's the only way to get his vote. Oh, shit.

Look at that. How close to the border are we talking? Laredo, Texas. Hey, what's that thing called? Where the guy gets excited? What's that called? Grito. Do you have a good grito?

Come on, let it rip for us. You were quiet during your, how many of you want to hear this guy's grito? Grito, grito, grito, grito, grito, grito. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. The crowd goes wild. Look at that. White people love that sound.

Do we love the sound of a Mexican guy sort of crying? Do you have a Mexican whistle? Do you have a good Mexican whistle? No, I can't. No one's ever had a good Mexican whistle on the show. One day maybe. Maybe episode 500. That'll be the one.

George Perez were running. I love it. David, you're school off and on. You're close to becoming a film major. You could be the next Robert Rodriguez right here in front of us. What do you like to do for fun? What are some things that a guy like David Flores

does to let off some steam? I don't know. Paintball. I make. Cocaine. It's a good guess. I play. Doll grooming.

Damn, I don't know, man. I work a lot. I don't really do stuff. What exactly are you doing for work? I do a lot of graphic design and video production for like, I do like little commercials or like music videos. Wow, you do not seem like a graphic design

video production guy. That's so interesting. Those laptops go somewhere that are stolen from cars. My degrees in digital film and video. Okay, Red Band, maybe let that microphone get some rest for a while. Let's hear some of those wacky sound effects that you're so good at.

There you go. That's just, okay, there you go. Yeah, random ambulance, everybody. There you go. Okay, very good. I love it. You have a girlfriend, David? No, man.

Really? I have another joke about that. Yeah, what's the, do that joke? Let's hear it. It's hard as shit out here in Austin for a short dude or, you know, I'm five foot six, but I've been dating some nasty ass girls, man, since this whole pandemic started.

But, you know, these Austin streets are mean, man. Like if you're not like six foot tall or something, you're not like slaying a huge dick. Like girls don't give a fuck about you, man. But if you gave me a chance, then I'd show you, you know, that, I mean, I've only had four girlfriends in my life and for a reason, because like they didn't want to leave.

But if I'd rather have it the opposite way, if I was like a little bit taller, but with like a shorter dick, then I'd at least like get more girls. You wrote that. And then, and then, and then they would leave. Right, was that the joke? Because they wouldn't like me, so.

I ain't bagging, I'm like, oh, you wrote that. That is so funny. I don't think you know why or where or what was funny about that, but that was funny. I think the parts that you don't think were funny were funny. And the parts you think were supposed to be funny weren't funny. I think I didn't say it the way I...

No, no, it was how naturally you admitted to only dating nasty girls was one of the highlights of the night for me. What does that mean, nasty girls? Like Dandruff or they slutty, are they saying dirty shit, oily hair, greasy face, smells bad or like just a slut? Great question.

I feel like Cheechin from Dust Till Dawn where he's like nasty pussy, sweaty pussy, hairy pussy, it's like. You end up with that? Where do you, where are you meeting these girls, David? No, no, no, just like. Nasty pussy, sweaty pussy, hairy pussy. That's all I heard.

I don't know, that's all you said. That might not be sweat, you might be attracting them. You know that, that might be coming from the innards. The innards. I don't know. That's so sexy when you call it the innards. Sounds haunted. So where are you meeting these girls, David?

I got blocked on Tinder, so I don't know. You got blocked by the whole app? You mean banned? You got banned on... Hey, some girls just go on there to talk shit and like start fights with you. Like, some girls like. What do you mean?

You're at least 40. I was like. You just naturally have girls that just start arguments with you on Tinder? At least two. And what did they say? What did these two women say to you? I have to know.

How did you got banned off Tinder? You're not gonna get this hairy body. Well, I don't know, I don't know why they banned me, but I ended up. No, I'll tell you why, if you tell me what happened on Tinder. I'll tell you why you got banned. I promise, if you tell me the truth.

Just about what the message is. Do you still have the app? Do you have the messages? No, I don't have the app. I'm even paying for the shit still. You're still paying for it? Yeah, that's all. Oh, he got the gold, you got the gold.

Oh yeah, the gold, the gold. You paid for the highest membership and women are just like, you ain't six foot, you ain't shit. So, okay, so remember when you killed Trayvon Martin, take me back, take me back to that day. Here's Jamar's let's improvise who in a audience member routine.

You leave my UCB experience alone. Oh my goodness. Did you get that chain from a claw machine? That's a good question. It is a claw machine-esque chain? Nah, man, I'm just, I usually wear it inside, but I'm just trying to fit in. That thing is, I respect your shit.

I got it at a pawn shop, actually. Fuck you, that's even more dangerous than a claw machine. We love to hear it. You should have opened with that, dude. It's actually the best place to get golden shit because they charge the less, least. David, you got banned off Tinder. So when's the last time you had sex?

No, I'm saying, I date girls or I just don't like them, dude. He fucks, he just doesn't like them. You just don't like the girls that you're fucking. Since this pandemic started. What happened to the, what do you think changed during the pandemic? I don't know, girls don't want to like

leave their house and shit. Oh man, this is pretty strange. Why don't you go to their house? No, they don't want to meet people. I guess, yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

So like a lot- I've been noticing a trend since like 2020 and this year, like all the girls that I was dating like started rejecting me and started saying like, no, I don't want to be with you no more. It's like, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Like- Maybe get bumble.

I have a bumble. What other- I think I'm getting shadow banned on bumble. I'm just getting fat changed. Dang it. Are you also not allowed- Bumble. That's hilarious.

I swear to God, David, you're so funny and you don't know when you're funny and when you're not. It's crazy. Are you also not allowed 16 feet from a school? The next set you write, you should try to write shit that you are positive is not funny. And then you should just do it.

Cause everything you say naturally is unbelievably hilarious. Shadow banned on bumble. What else are you on? What other dating apps are you on? I got hinge and they say that shit's meant to be deleted, but it's like, I've had that shit forever. I haven't met anybody yet.

So I don't know. I'm trying to delete it. And you ever tried Grindr? Yo man, Niggas is getting up the asshole on there. So I heard- In your bedroom, in your bedroom, do you have any posters on your wall? Good question.

Do you have any pictures? Oh, I have a Kilotonny poster from San Antonio. Oh, sweet. Well, in that case, you should be getting all the pussy in the world. Well, not now, cause a pipe busted in my shit. So I'm staying at the Fairmont. Oh no, a pipe busted in your apartment?

It ruined everything. Oh no. God damn it. If you were cellmates, Ricky Martin, would you fuck? How could you not? Really great question from the panel here. I'm trying to take them away from what they know. Indeed.

Indeed. So your whole apartment got ruined by a busted pipe? Just one room, but all my artwork and stuff that I had on the wall that I gave a fuck about was all like water. That's a shame that the pipes at these internment camps are not- He's living with me a lot though.

Okie dokie. Yeah, I guess everybody thought that I meant that he really lives in a camp. Okay. We have Joe Rogan on the line. Is there any question that you would like to ask Joe Rogan about your set? Would you like to ask him how it went?

Yeah. Okay. Joe, what did you think about David Flores' set here tonight? You're wonderful. You're beautiful. You're amazing. Wow, look at that.

Joe Rogan likes you. How does that make you feel? Great. Oh my God. That's good, man. I was bummed out when y'all couldn't come to the Moontower Comedy Fest because that whole shit happened.

Ah! Okay, stop, stop. You were sad. Well, it fucked up everything, man. Like I wanted to get a chance to get on. I didn't even think I'd get called to this. I thought this shit would go away. But you're on stage right now.

You did it, man. How far away do you live from here? I live here in Austin, but I drove like four hours here. Oh, well, if you live here in Austin, why'd you drive four hours? In a circle? Yeah.

I was like, I'm really nervous. Driving helps me. I'm just gonna take the 35 up and down a few times. Now I was staying down in Laredo with my family while they fixed my place. But tonight, I'm at the Fairmont. That's for sure. Hell yeah.

They're paying for my shit. Hey, man, if you do video production and stuff like that, send me an email. Maybe I can help you out a little. Yeah, I even DM'd your... Yeah, don't check it. Uh-oh. No, no, I DM'd your girlfriend about that job,

the Hispanic... Oh, you did? Oh, she's right over there. Go talk to her. There she is, right over there. She's the best. That's Red Dan's girlfriend. There she is.

How about a big hand for Janice, everybody? You might recognize her as the young lady switching out mics a few weeks ago that we made fun of her relentlessly and she took it like a champ. One more time for David Flores, everybody. There she goes. Thank you.

There he goes. David Flores. All right. Let's put a ribbon on this thing, shall we? This young man, maybe you recognize him from the show, Kill Tony, where you saw him tonight without eyebrows. Now, for the first time in his young comedy career,

remember, the set did not go that great earlier. My theory is that he's gonna kill with a whole new minute. This is the first time in the show's history in 495, perhaps, episodes in which, the first time in which someone has done two new minutes in one episode. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian, Andrew Breen, everybody.

I wish I was a little big son. This is so stupid. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Put the mic back in the mic stand. Wait. Put the mic back in the mic stand. I'm gonna give somebody a fucking Sharpie marker. Let me do it.

We're gonna do this right. Can I do it? Yeah, Sarah, Sarah, go do it. She's got it. Sarah's got it. You go, you go, you go, go upstage, trust me. Go, go, go, get, get, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Go.

There you go, thank you. How about a hand for Sarah Wineshank and Andrew Breen? Yeah, man. It's being a team player. That's crazy. Perhaps the worst eyebrow application I've ever seen. Yeah, that was that bullshit. That's cool.

This is gotta be thick. Let's pull a name out of the bucket. Ooh, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Tony Eden, everybody. Tony Eden. Wait, stop. Stop. You're right, Red Band.

We're not gonna do Tony Eden. I'm sorry, Tony. It's time to get a lady on stage. We haven't had a female comedian on all night tonight. And since we're equal opportunity employers, we're going to get a young lady up here. I'm sorry to Tony. Sign up again.

Sorry to Chris. Nope, Andrew, do not come on the stage. Get the fuck off the stage. No one called you up here. Sarah, you come back. We're gonna get a young lady up here. Who better than one of the first regulars ever, Sarah Wineshank, a regular on the show in 2013

to be here to help give a lady advice. Okay, here's the name. Make some noise for Nassia Manuno, everybody. Nassia Manuno. Here she comes. Come on, Nassia. One more time for Nassia, everybody. About time.

God, I've been here every fucking Monday. Then I never get cold. Guys, I'm a little bit nervous. A little bit turned on, a little bit sweaty. I feel like a priest around a five-year-old boy. That's how I feel like. You know, people always tell me that decent-looking girls can be funny,

unless they have suffered a certain amount of trauma. That's what I want to say, trauma. So I call my uncle and I ask him, hey, why didn't you lessen me a little bit more? I want to know. Some of you guys don't get my accent. I'm from Portugal. I'm actually new to Texas.

And I always get, thank you, one person. I always get surprised with how many homeless people you guys have here, you know? Just on the way to this show tonight, a homeless guy called me a bitch. I was like, dad? Okay, that's it, guys. Thank you.

Okay, 55 seconds from Nassia Manuno. Am I saying that correctly? Manuno? Machade, yeah. What is it? Machade. What? Like, May Ray Rowe, I guess, in American, yeah.

May Ray Rowe? Yeah, I guess. Nassia May Ray Rowe, everybody. Rowe, Rowe, Rowe. I love it. May Ray Rowe. Awesome, welcome. So good to finally have someone on the stage

that has good, fake eyebrows. Am I right, people? You can rub them off. You can rub them off if they don't come out. Nassia, welcome to the show. You've been on here before. I believe you were on episode one of Kill Tony Austin, right?

Okay, all right. There's a big fan over there at yours. All right, Nassia's a lesbian, clearly. Yeah, I like pussy. Is that true? No, you're married. You have a wealthy husband, correct? Yes.

That's right. Let's be nice. I'm sorry. So how's comedy going, Nassia? It's pretty good. I'm doing Vulcan tomorrow. Okay. Really happy about that.

There you go. Do one Vulcan tomorrow. There you go. And what else about you? What did we not find out last time you were on the show that people might find interesting? Oh shit, I got a good one for you. Okay.

So I used to wrestle. Okay. Like pro wrestling. That's how I learned English as well. Wow, how did you fall into that? I liked this boy that was there, so I was like, what can I do when I wrestle with him? What does that boy do now?

I don't know. He's unemployed. I don't know. He's a dog groomer. Isn't that what all wrestlers end up doing? No. No, not the famous ones. I mean, well, I mean, they get jobs.

They do something. Nassia, you're from Portugal? Yes. What's Portugal famous for? We kiss everybody. The man. We kiss everybody. You kiss everybody?

Yeah. When we say hello. We kiss grandma, we kiss their dog. We kiss their kids. On the lips? No, on the face. Oh. Oh, okay.

That's what you're famous for? That country's famous for that? Okay. We are famous for Christina Ronaldo as well. Here's that. Everybody knows that guy. Stronger player. All right.

Okay. What do you do for work, Nassia? I do some commercial work, so like some modeling and stuff. Okay. Where can we find some of your work? Where do you do modeling? I got, well, none of that, okay? Oh, yeah, you knew what that was.

I did some commercial stuff for Amazon, for home goods. I love home goods. That's why I buy all my candles, queen. Okay. But yeah, home goods. Oh, yeah, I saw that commercial. Oh, you saw it? Yeah, I saw that.

Did you like it? Yeah, it was good. All right. Go ahead. I feel like you were very comfortable on stage, probably the most comfortable person I've seen on stage all night, which is great, especially as a woman, we love to see it, queen.

Yes. Thank you. How long have you been married for, Nassia? Why do you always ask me about my relationship? You mean the two times you've been on the show? So the one other time and this time, and you're saying the word always? Yeah.

And nobody's counting me. You mean for the second time ever? How long have you been married? I've been, okay, I've been with my husband for seven years and I've been married for two. Okay, you guys still having sex? Do you want to come and watch or something? I don't know, tell me.

Can I? Actually, not really, no, I really don't. That's not something. Yes. Okay. I mean, what am I supposed to say? No. It depends on what the real answer is.

This is a weird episode tonight. People just don't know what to do with these questions. Yeah, I don't know what to do with that question. Everyone trying to respond with a joke. Anything for like three people's laughter tonight. I'll be very serious right now. Yes, be very serious. It's always works out best

because we're professional comedians. There you go. And we can deal with it. There you go. Go ahead. So your question was if I still have sex with my husband? Yes. Yes, of course, yeah, I do.

No one believes you, tell the truth. Try again, let's try third time. Now I'm wondering why I always ask you this. Okay. Do I look sad, Tony? Maybe I do. No, I just get the feeling your husband isn't fucking you. Yeah.

Well, that might be true. I don't know. Okay, well then it definitely means that it is true because no one would say that it might be true if it wasn't true. You agree with that, right, Nastya? I'm sorry to say that again. Nothing, forget it.

Jamar, Jamar, ask her what she thinks about fucking something that's completely off the map. I was gonna ask her, hey, what do you think about Bobby Smurder's freedom? Right. You know, he's been out doing good. How do you feel about the release of Bobby Smurder? You saw him turn down a drink in the club,

he looks like he's off to a good start. I saw that. What do you think about that? I don't know who he is. Right, exactly. Yeah, so you just got here, you just got here. That should be the question that's on the American exam to become an American.

What do you think about Bobby Smurder's recent actions? Oh man, I would never get my green cards. Wow, so the popsicle stick ride on the way here, like was that lit? How did you get here to America? Did you do the whole Elegant Gonzalez shit, like the popsicle stick? Like ride shit?

And I'm being fucking serious because I don't know. By airplane. Yeah, like how'd you get here? Did you get here on a real airplane and did you really come here on a boat? On a real airplane. Oh, that's a week. I want to hear about you ice fishing

through the motherfucking Alaskans. What's something tough about you, Nastya? You seem like you might have some tough qualities. Are you ever... Well, I can do more push-ups than Dave Lucas can. You can't do more push-ups than... Yes. Why are you trying to do?

You can't do more push-up pops than that, Nakedo. Do you think you can do more push-ups than Jamar? Yeah. Oh shit, how many can you do? I don't know, I don't know. How many do you want to see them do a push-up competition? Right here, right now. Here we go.

This is it. This is the first ever push-up competition between two people that are going to inevitably fuck by the end of the night. Here they are. Jamar neighbors versus Nastya. Who's going first? No, you guys are going to do same time, same speed.

So we're going to count them out. You guys getting your position? Oh shit, Nastya has to take her mask and her phone out. The extra two ounces might affect who can do... Oh wow, look at this. Jamar, Jamar, Jamar. This way, Jamar, Jamar, this way. That's called rape.

We're doing a push-up competition. Not a rape, not a rape. Jamar, I've known Jamar for 14 years. I know how that ends. Hell yeah. You guys got to do it the same speed though. Ready? Here we go.

One, two, three, go. Here we go. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. Uh-oh, there it is. Oh Jamar doing the stinky leg with his... Oh shit, Nastya's raping Jamar. I predicted this one.

Beautiful. I got high heels so I win anyway. All right, all right. Okay. She won, let the woman have it. That's how numbers work. Nastya, fun stuff. Thank you for everything.

I think this went even better than it did last time, right? Getting better, good luck on your show tomorrow at Vulcan. We'll see you soon. There she goes, Nastya. Thank you. Good job baby. Keep rocking us. I would say it is a super white American.

Real quick with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen. Lady, Zach, come on, real quick. Real quick wipe, Zach. Real quick. There you go. There's a super quick switch out. There we go.

Ladies and gentlemen with a brand new minute with his new eyebrows. It's Andrew Breen. Hi everybody. Nice to meet you again. Yeah. Do it, Andrew. Is it a unibrow?

Is it a unibrow? Yes, it is. For like 80. So, me and my girlfriend are really serious now. We're talking about future kids and all that. And through quarantine, can you believe it? Through quarantine, we've been watching scary movies, which gave me my new biggest fear,

which is having a haunted kid. Just having a, it's like the scariest thing to me, like walking down, like just I have like a four year old walking down the hall and hearing him talk into someone in his room. And I was like, who are you talking to? And he's like, I'm just talking to Jane. It's like, first of all, if that happens, I'm out.

I'm not staying, I'm not being a hero. I'm not being a hero. Okay, I know what happens. I try to talk some sense into my kid and Jane throws me off a roof. I'm not doing that. I feel like that's the one time it's understandable to be a deadbeat dad.

You know, like if I got dragged into Dr. Phil, I wouldn't be totally the bad guy. Like Dr. Phil would be like, you walked out on your family. How could you? And I'd be like, he, I was talking to ghosts for a while. Dr. Phil would be like, okay, well, no one told me that. I'd have like half the crowd. They'd be like, okay, he's a bad guy,

but he's talking to ghosts. All right. All right. There it is, Andrew Breen. Came out to a huge laughter. Yes. How do you feel with your new eyebrows? I think I feel a little bit hotter.

Hell yeah. You guys think he looks better? Yeah. You guys think he should always do comedy with Sharpie on eyebrows? Yeah. There you go. We figured it out.

There goes Andrew Breen, everybody. First comedian to ever do two new minutes on an episode of Kill Tony. That's what it takes. A lot of people are gonna come on with shaved eyebrows now hoping to get pulled up twice. Jesus. All right.

There you go. We're flying through. Are you guys ready to put a big ribbon on this episode of Kill Tony here? You guys want another special treat? All right. We're here to close out tonight's episode, a regular on the show, an absolute unbelievable monster.

I'm not exaggerating or kidding when I tell you that this weekend in Miami, I honestly think this guy came in and fucking literally stole the shows. Like he had the largest laughs, the roars were coming through brick fucking walls when he put his set together. You know, we get to see new minutes

from these regulars all the time, but to watch them put it together is really something else. And it turns out this guy is an absolute fucking rolling God. Second city in Chicago had him for over two decades where he rose to the highest ranking type of member of improvisational guruism ever. Diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease,

he then decided to chase his dream of becoming a standup comedian, which he's doing a great job at. Ladies and gentlemen, he's here for you right now. The Great and Powerful Michael Lairer, everyone. Come on, make some fucking noise for Michael. I've been traveling a lot in personal social media. Everyone's like, all you look great,

happy and handsome, like you're having fun. That's a tan and a fade haircut. I'm an incurable brain disease, you fucking retards. My old boss is like, oh, my wife thinks you're handsome. No shit, all wives think I'm handsome. You don't stop being handsome from one wife to the next. I'm coming out with a new clothing line for disabled motherfuckers who are agroist motherfuckers.

It's called shoot snow ladders. It's all about no half stepping, no stepping at all. Michael Lairer with a brand new minute. Very, very, very, very, very good. Michael, welcome back home. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Michael, welcome back home. Thank you. So much fucking fun in Miami. So much fun. You absolutely fucking destroyed. Yeah, you know, it was the best trip of my life. Wow.

The hardest part is winning back stage for three hours while David Lucas FaceTime went nine of his kids. Wow. Damn, just straight honesty. Nothing funnier than the truth. My goodness, Michael, how does it feel to be back home in Austin, Texas? Your new home.

Michael moved here a couple months ago from Los Angeles, California. Yeah, and I'm looking to fuck. Uh-oh. Yeah, I'm looking to fuck. I'm looking to fuck. I'm looking to fuck. Uh-oh.

Oh, shit. Yeah, pushing. Strange pushing. Strange pushing. Oh, you know, me and John Dees are best friends now. Oh, you and the keyboard player. Yeah, he told me last week after I was super saddened after a lot of cocaine.

Oh. He goes, someone needs to bring him to his room. Okay, that's a little inside the actor's studio for you right there. Bruh. That was a share that necessarily didn't need to happen. I don't think you need to really do jokes about. Hey.

Yeah. Yo, tomorrow. Okay. Hey, buddy, what's up? We're both improv masters from different schools and Tony was talking about how, you know, all these motherfuckers can't keep up with you. But one of you, yes and me,

and we'll see if we can get down. Yeah, let's see what it's like when you ask a professional improviser, one of your little wackadoodle topical questions. Okay, but can you ask him shit and then I'm gonna surprise him like I do? Yeah, sure. Absolutely.

Yeah, go ahead. So Michael, let me ask you this. You were in Miami all weekend. What did you think of the, like the audiences there compared to Austin, Texas? They have a lot of big butts and I wanna eat out. Okay. You liked to eat girls' butts.

Oh yeah, more than the pussy man. Okay, wow. Why do you prefer the butt to the pussy? Well, you know, pussy is so school and then after a while, you wake your way into the body and it's like, oh, a new part of the lady to fall in love with. It's the best.

Hey man, when you saw Bobby Smurder his glow in the dark chain, what was the conversation that y'all had between each other? Right, I'm like, Bobby, while you were in jail, where did you find the toxic waste to dip your chain in? Let's do this sharp. Not only did I hear every word he said. Wine shank, you were one of the first ever regulars

on In Kill Tony history. You performed hundreds of brand new minutes on this show. What do you think of the great Michael Lair? You saw him before at an audience-less show at the comedy store. I think he is a king. Thank you. I think you're a queen, especially with that outfit.

You look hot as fuck. Oh shit, oh shit. Is that your girlfriend in me? Hey, when you were in that mansion when Pop Smoke got shot. The ramp, did they put out a ramp? Like, hurry up, let's get this nigga up out of here too. Because he's just as important as Pop Smoke.

They were like, well, Pop Smoke got his name Cousins and magician. And he's like, oh, this Cripple motherfucker, we got to get in a Mario Pop Smoke and it disappeared. I think you and Jamar should start your own fucking like rap group. You guys, you guys, I'm with it. You guys could be like, you guys could be like,

roll the jewels. I'm with it. I freeze, I freeze style all the time. Yeah, man. You freeze style. You can't freeze style. No, that tests me. That is a techie motherfucker.

Give me a subject. What's the subject you want him to rap about, Sarah Weinstein? Condiments. Condiments. Oh, condiments, cuts and mustard mayo. I get on the beat when I go. But I like my shit dry, so no sauce gets in my eye. Fuck a condiment.

I find it so good before I eat a condiment. Fuck that condiment. Fuck the condiment. Reavis. Fuck the condiment. Fuck the condiment. Do you guys have fun tonight? Tony, Tony, one more thing.

Wait, Michael Lair has one more thing. Let's check it with him. Me and Tony for this time of night. That's true. He's got the screenshot. For the first time, I got to see his penis. And I realized why this. Yeah, it was being funny.

I showed it to him. Well, I realized why this pretty asshole is such a cunt, because he has such a big penis. So I got you a trophy, Tony. Will you pull one out of my pocket? You got me a trophy? Yeah, it's a horse cock trophy. Oh, look at that.

Thank you. Very rarely do I ever get a trophy on this show. This is going to go right on my kitchen counter. It's a goat in pony. This is going right next to my Nespresso machine. I tell you right now, thank you so much, Michael. This is the first time I've ever been given an award on my own show.

Well, your horse cock gone, dude. Thank you very much. Thank you, Michael. I'm glad that I showed it to you. I knew something in my gut told me to accidentally. Why did you show him your dick? Hold on. I was just joking about the FaceTime shit.

What, why? OK, yeah, you asked that a second. I was going to answer that when you asked it a second ago. Yeah, because we FaceTime a lot because, A, first of all, we live in the same apartment building. OK, that makes sense. So we communicate a lot. Michael is one of the few people that does not in this world

annoy the absolute dog shit out of me. So I enjoy communicating with Michael. And one of the times that I was talking with Michael, I was actually I talked to Michael in the shit. Was it in the shower or after the shower? After the fracking. So there's no I'm telling if it was a half-boner, like. It wasn't a boner.

I promise you it wasn't a boner. You hung like that. Yeah, when it's a boner, it gets bigger. That explains it a lot. Do I get a bigger trophy now that I've admitted that to you? Yeah. Because to be honest with you, I'm surprised that this is the horse cock trophy.

Yeah, that's it. That's a pony trophy. Yeah, it's a little bit. I have a ton of horse trophies to choose from. Michael Laird, everybody, thank you so much, Michael. The type of friend you can show your dick to and he'll lie and say that it's huge on a podcast. MichaelLairdComedy.com for everything Michael Laird.

He's the fucking man. How about one more time for Michael Laird, everybody? How about a hand for the band, John Deese? Come on, people. You have to do better than this. They played for you. They played music for you all night. John Deese.

He's John Keyes, K-E-Y-Z on social media. Matt Mueling on guitar. He's at Mutation, M-U-E-H-Tation. How about a big hand for D-Madness on the bass. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. He's Mike Agon's 13 on social media. How about a big hand for my guest tonight, Jamar Neighbors, everybody?

Jamar Neighbors is Jamar Neighbors on everything social media. Check out one of his apartment shows. Who's headlining the Vulcan Gas Company this week? My guest, Sarah Wineshank, everyone. We absolutely love Sarah here. An absolute goddess and written about in the history books of Kill Tony.

Let's check in with a drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt tonight. This was tonight's episode. Wow, look at that. Get really in there. Let's see each person, Ryan. Jamar got his fake mohawk in the drawing, even though he doesn't have it on tonight, which I absolutely love.

Wineshank, look at you. That looks just like you. That's awesome. Red Band and me. RyanJeebel.com for all those posters and each episode of the show. If you have a favorite episode of the show, you should get that.

Get it framed. Red Band. Wednesday at Vulcan. Tickets are on sale right now. A lot of special guests, including a lot of people that are on the show tonight, go to Vulcan or Desquad.tv. Click on tour dates.

Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. Tickets go on sale every Monday at noon for the one, I believe, a week or two out. They sell out very fast. So for those of you wondering how to get tickets to this show, it's noon every Monday. Thank you guys so much. How about one more time for the band

and everybody? Good night, everyone. Thank you so much. Good night. RyanJeebel. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! That's so crazy! Oh, yeah!