KILL TONY - #498 - JOE ROGAN + ADAM EGET

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Starting point is 00:18:10 Before we start tonight's episode, the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now. You guys make a bunch of noise. Who's ready to start the show, huh? How exciting. Every single week now we have two guests. This is an exciting one, huh? Very, very exciting.

Starting point is 00:18:30 Total, total, total throwback to our comedy store days right now, ladies and gentlemen. Two returning guests. Very, very exciting. One is the co-host of the Norm McDonald's show and the talent coordinator of the comedy store, which puts a lot on tonight's episode. Ladies and gentlemen, very exciting guests.

Starting point is 00:18:54 Make some noise for Adam Egan and Joe Rogan. Come on, people. We are live in Austin, Texas. Hell yeah. Adam Egan and Joe Rogan. Boy, oh boy, are we having fun here in Austin. I'm telling you, I'm all stuffed up. Barbecue, queso.

Starting point is 00:19:23 Welcome, guys. Adam checking out Austin for the first time this week, right? The pandemic. You've been having fun? Oh, it's a blast. I love it. Love it. What do you like so far?

Starting point is 00:19:35 What stood out to you? Anything fun? Have you been to an H-E-B yet? No, I haven't yet. How about we make some noise for H-E-B? We're big H-E-B fans here at Kill Tony. H-E-B plus. I'm sure Joe would go to H-E-B if he did his own grocery shopping.

Starting point is 00:19:51 Bitch, I shopped for my own groceries. Where do you shop for groceries? I go to fucking H-E-B. Really? Wow. I do. Look at that. People always go, what the fuck are you doing here?

Starting point is 00:20:02 I'm like, I'm doing what you're doing, bitch. That's so weird. I cannot think of that. Find food. You like push a cart, like extra strong? Extra strong? God damn. That's just true.

Starting point is 00:20:12 Tries to find hills to push his cart up just to get the fucking core working. I'm excited. You guys know what it is. Adam has been not only one of the backbone, basically, producers of this show. At the comedy stories, the guy that let it all happen. There weren't really people allowing different kinds of shows and things like that, but you get a lot of credit there. And you had to hear it through walls for years while making lineups every Monday at the comedy

Starting point is 00:20:40 store. That was one of the easiest decisions I ever had to make, man. We had a lot of fun. He's also one of the main reasons I came back to the store. Yeah? He talked me. Yeah? And Rose Battle.

Starting point is 00:20:50 How about a hand for Adam Egan here, everybody? It's a big deal. He's the talent coordinator of the comedy store. Technically, technically, it's not going to happen, but technically, if someone did amazing here, he could pass you at the comedy store right now at this very moment. Just a little something for the comedians out on the sidewalk to start sweating a little bit harder for. And that's exactly where they're going to be performing if they get passed at the comedy

Starting point is 00:21:11 store for the next year. On the sideline. That is the only place you can perform. Isn't it crazy for you to be here and see people with no masks inside and no one's dead? Dude, I've been in my apartment for like a year straight, and in the last four days, I think I've been to 14 super straight. We really were. Just take your vitamins and keep moving.

Starting point is 00:21:32 Mostly COVID at this point. Keep moving. Yeah, luckily, it won't settle in until you're back in LA. You won't feel the symptoms until you're there and we can blame it on them. No, technically, you got it in LA. So let's do it. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You guys know how it works.

Starting point is 00:21:49 If I pull someone's name out of the bucket, maybe it's one of the veteran comedians on the sidewalk. Maybe as we had last week, a lot of first timers that they're sitting here in the audience. Maybe they drove a long way to be here. Who knows what can happen? If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or I'll sure gonna bring out the angry fifth street bear.

Starting point is 00:22:11 You guys ready to start the show? Make some fucking noise, Austin, Texas. It's very important that the people at home can hear you. Big announcement coming next week for episode 500 of Kill Tony, which will be here in Austin in early April. Let's talk about tonight. Things are gonna get started. This is an exciting name.

Starting point is 00:22:34 Make some noise for Zachariah Tourette's tippet. Zachariah Tourette's tippet. Fingers crossed the guy actually has Tourette's. I don't see why he wouldn't. Why would you lie about that? Weird thing to lie about. Can someone yell Zachariah out there on the sidewalk? He's coming.

Starting point is 00:22:58 Got a one finger sticking up. All right. This guy was putting money in his meter. All right. Here he comes everybody. This is very exciting. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:22 It has been confirmed. It really is him. It's really him. It's time for Zachariah Tourette's tippet. Hello. How y'all doing tonight? Lit. So my name is Zachariah tippet.

Starting point is 00:23:41 Most people just call me Tourette's. And I have Tourette's syndrome. So by show of hands here how many people know what Tourette's syndrome is? One, two. All right. Lit everybody. Because I'm gonna be honest with y'all. I don't know how to explain to y'all what it is.

Starting point is 00:23:57 So I'm happy to be here tonight. I'm happy to be here tonight. I just recently quit my job. So I went home pretty much said fuck that place. Clicked and applied just about for everything on the first page of Indeed. And these were some of my results where I couldn't work yet because of my Tourette's. Couldn't be a 911 operator. I hopped for about a day but Tourette's movements and pancakes went a little like fuck.

Starting point is 00:24:25 I tried bartending for a little bit. But the only drinks I was allowed to make were the Shaget ones. And after that I shaved babysitting. But you remember that bartending job went fuck. Those kids turned out normal. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Zachariah Tourette's tippet everyone.

Starting point is 00:24:55 Welcome to the show. I do believe you're our first ever Tourette's comedian in the history of the show. Thank you. I'm also out of breath because I sprinted here when I heard my name. Where were you? It took you so long to get here. I was eating some wings over on 6th Street I believe it was. Okay.

Starting point is 00:25:10 Hell yeah. Absolutely. So when does this start? Tell us more about Tourette's and how it works. Were you born like this? Was your first word? So when I was about 7 years old I caught a case of West Nile. I'm from St. Louis, Missouri.

Starting point is 00:25:33 And basically from the inflammation of my brain swelled up so much. That's pretty much all the doctors can explain if that's how it came along. And diagnosed me with Tourette's syndrome. My goodness. Did everyone in your family get West Nile? How does that work? So I got through a mosquito bite. As far as everyone in my family, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:25:52 I'm a foster kid. So I, maybe. Wow. So you were a foster kid before the Tourette's? Correct. Yeah. That's wild. It took a chance and they were right.

Starting point is 00:26:04 They would be happy to know. That's like getting rid of GameStop at just the right time. You know what I mean? My goodness. The last thing you want to know is you gave up Tiger Woods for adoption. You know what I mean? But not this guy. No.

Starting point is 00:26:21 Very exciting. Zacharias, so what do you do for work? I do this. Awesome. How long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing stand up comedy since I was about 15 years old. Fuck yeah. Put up 15.

Starting point is 00:26:34 Got it. How old are you now? I'm 25. Are you hiding that? That was a weird answer to the question. No. Like I said, I'm pretty high. Does the weed help the Tourette's or no?

Starting point is 00:26:46 It does a little bit. Mushrooms help more. Mushrooms actually make it completely go away. Oh, you should be on mushrooms all the time. Right. Yeah. I mean, if I was and I came up here and I told jokes about Tourette's with no actually Tourette's, I just looked like an asshole.

Starting point is 00:26:59 You could fake it. Yeah. Is that noise you make something that you fixed over time? Like did you used to like be like fuck cunt, you know, whatever? And then you... So mine, because of how I got diagnosed, mine is the most rarest kind of Tourette's. I have body movement and physical and I have verbal, but my verbal actually changes. So this is about the eighth word that I've changed and it changed every year.

Starting point is 00:27:23 When I was living in Missouri, my word of not choice was actually the N word. Yeah. No way. I don't beat the fuck up a lot until that movie came out front of the class and then I'll like the black people just accepted me. Wait a second. So for a whole year in St. Louis, your word was the N word? Tourette's.

Starting point is 00:27:42 My goodness. How unfortunate. That sucks. Did you carry around the sign that says I have Tourette's, please don't hurt me? Yeah. And I thought I was afraid of getting COVID. Yeah, exactly. It's the last time I let a mosquito anywhere near me.

Starting point is 00:27:59 Wow. That's wild. Did it get you in trouble? Did you ever get into fights or anything because of it? Oh yeah. I got beat up a lot, teased a lot, basically just isolated. I mean, what were some other words in this rotation? One was the N word?

Starting point is 00:28:13 Bitch. Okay. Cunt. Wow. Ass. Carrots was a weird one. Yeah, deer. Carrots.

Starting point is 00:28:21 A very sharp left turn. Yeah, very, very sharp left turn. You're probably like, whew, that's going to be a good month. Year. A whole year of carrots? Yeah. People really enjoyed that. Like when I was at the gym and you just hear that one random kid yell, carrots and working

Starting point is 00:28:39 out. What was after carrots? This word. Wow. It's a combination of and fuck. Oh, okay. But when you do it quick, it doesn't sound like fuck. Interesting.

Starting point is 00:28:53 Do you miss carrots? No, because if I just started staring like carrots all the time instead of I couldn't like do a beatbots bit about me. Oh, you have a beatbots bit. Okay. Can we hear it? Yeah. Sure, sure.

Starting point is 00:29:11 It was actually one of my work jokes. So I tried out DJing for a little while and you would think my Tourette's would get in the way of that, but it didn't actually made it 10 times better because not only did I incorporate a whole new genre of music, which I like to call Tourette's no music. So how I did that was I just incorporated my Tourette's noise and with Tetno music. It sounded a little like this. All right, there it is. And the weird thing about that is white people love that shit.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Fuck yeah. So what would happen if you had a cure for Tourette's? What would you talk about on stage? Would that be rough for you? Are you actually sort of embracing it now? So I do a lot of, when I do stand-up comedy, I like to do Tourette's syndrome awareness even after some skits of shows I do. I'll do Q and A's for people that are really interested or have questions or children about

Starting point is 00:30:13 it or have children with Tourette's. They ask me questions. Yeah? Yeah. Is there a level of mushrooms that you could take where you're not too fucked up and you don't have Tourette's? Can you find a balance? Yeah, like microdosing?

Starting point is 00:30:28 Yeah. Well, I experimented with five grams. Ooh, that's a hell of an experiment. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that one was a little bit too much, huh? Well, I still have it, so not kind of would. You still have it.

Starting point is 00:30:46 You didn't go away. You still have Tourette's syndrome. Oh, right, yeah. If I cured myself, I mean, I would be fucked. I'd never do in college. You'd be fine. Yeah. You'd be fine.

Starting point is 00:30:55 You should try 10 grams. Yeah. Maybe you were almost there. You should try crack. Yeah. Just try everything to see what happens. So you say that you've been doing it 10 years, the word changes every year, so that means that there was an entire year that you were performing stand-up comedy and randomly saying

Starting point is 00:31:12 the N-word throughout your set. Is that correct? Yeah. Jesus. Wow. Michael Richards ripped off his beard. Yeah, exactly. Did you only play black rooms?

Starting point is 00:31:22 No, luckily enough. Yeah. Imagine how fast he gets swept off the Apollo stage. So during that time of the word of the year, I actually moved to Minnesota and people love that word there. I mean, great white north. They don't call it that for no reason. When you dream, do you have Tourette's or do you talk normally?

Starting point is 00:31:44 Actually, I speed it up. So people would like leave me alone and just assume that I'm, what's the word? No, no, dream. Oh, dream. Oh, he thought he said drink. Drink. Yeah. No, not really.

Starting point is 00:32:00 I'm really accepted and actually happy that life gave me this curse and a burden, but also it was a gift to open me up to... No, when you have a dream, do you have Tourette's? Not like, what's your dream? This guy's up here accepting a Nobel Prize or something like that. I don't know. What the fuck's going on? Does your inner voice have Tourette's?

Starting point is 00:32:27 As far as I can remember my dreams, yeah. Yeah, you still have it. Still got it. What if you dream when you're on mushrooms? Oh, that's a pretty wild story. Would you like to hear it? Oh, yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:32:42 So when I did mushrooms, five grams of mushrooms, if anyone missed that, I walked outside around two in the morning and it was raining outside. I was just having a blast in my life. This is the first time I ever did mushrooms. And I saw this lady. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What was your word at the time that you were doing mushrooms, though? Oh, I don't remember because I took five grams of mushrooms for my first time.

Starting point is 00:33:01 I'm just going to guess it's carrots. Okay, go ahead. Sorry. So, yeah, I went outside. It was raining at the time and what I got told from my friend was you need to find a really safe space and a comfortable place. So mine was during storms and I loved the nighttime. So I was looking up at the moon and I saw this lady coming down and she was wearing nothing

Starting point is 00:33:22 but black and as she slowly approached it around, she walked up and she gave me a hug and she said, I am so proud of you, my son. You are going to change the world with what you're doing. And she started floating back up in the air and I didn't realize, like, I didn't recognize or I didn't know who she was and I asked her. I'm like, well, who are you? And she told me her name was Death. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:33:47 Red Band. Why would you do that? A fart noise does not belong there. Red Band. That's what I remember. Good mushrooms. Yeah. I feel like we all just did five grams of mushrooms after that story.

Starting point is 00:34:02 It's incredible. Zachariah, very fun to meet you, man. I love that you're out here fucking using what the mosquito gave you to your advantage. There he goes, Zachariah Tourette's. Tip it. Oh, he's got cards. Oh, he's handing out business cards. Is that the N word on him?

Starting point is 00:34:21 Oh, wow. Not these ones. I love it. Look at that. There he goes, everybody. Tourette's Inc.com to find out more about his Tourette's awareness. That's interesting. I'm sure there's some listeners that know somebody with Tourette's or something like that.

Starting point is 00:34:39 How about a hand for Zach Bogus helping us out tonight, keeping us all safe, getting some of that fucking Tourette's spit off the microphone. All right. Next comedian goes by the name of Marcus Olend. Marcus Olend or perhaps O-Lined. It's Marcus coming in from the back with a steady pace. Here he comes. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 00:35:17 Tourette's is interesting. Seems like it could be fixed. One more time for Marcus Olend, everybody. Hey, what's going on? I was just getting high outside before the show. I like smoking weed. It makes boring stuff fun. Fun stuff.

Starting point is 00:35:34 More fun. Hell yeah. A hand for Uber makes that more fun. Not a good Uber driver. I'm pretty bad. I got a two-star rating, picking people up late, dropping them off at the wrong location. They're always mad, like, this is not what I put in my phone. I'm all high looking at my phone, like shit.

Starting point is 00:35:52 My phone's on airplane mode. Where'd you say you're going again? I'm sure you're not going to the airport. My favorite thing to do, I like getting high and masturbating. That's my favorite thing to do. Okay. We'll talk strategy after. That's what's up.

Starting point is 00:36:05 If you don't know, it feels really good to get high before you masturbate. It feels amazing. I call it weed whacking. It's great. I notice something about drugs, though. Every time a drug gets a street name, if that street name is a person's name, it's always female. You ever notice that, like Molly or Lucy or Mary Jane?

Starting point is 00:36:22 I've never had anyone be like, hey man, you want to go smoke some Dave? There he is. Marcus Olend, everyone. Fuck yeah. Welcome back, Marcus. Thank you, man. You were just on the show recently, right? A couple of weeks ago, yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:35 Hell yeah. What do we find out about you? Remind us of what stole the show during your interview. It was something about my sexual life that I honestly got in a lot of trouble for. Yeah, what happened? Tell these people. We all want to know. It was about my lack of going down on a certain somebody.

Starting point is 00:36:49 Oh, that's right. You refuse to eat your wife's pussy. That's, well, what? We're not married and it's not a refuse thing. It's more just like a mutual agreement. Is it really mutual? Marcus, I love it when you don't eat my pussy. She said that before, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:06 No, I'm kidding. How did you get in trouble? What did she say about it? She didn't like the things I said during the interview. But what did she say exactly? Like, what was her take on it? She just felt like I was throwing her under the bus, which I wasn't trying to do, but I don't know, man.

Starting point is 00:37:22 I just dug myself, kept digging myself deeper and deeper holes and I was like, oh fuck. I know what hole you're not digging yourself in. That's true. Yeah. He keeps that fucking beard nice and clean. It looks like I try. I try. Yeah, taint Fletcher.

Starting point is 00:37:39 What? Hell yeah. I love it. So Marcus, welcome back to the show. Are you really an Uber driver? I used to drive Uber and then my, the car I was driving with got hit when it was parked and then my new car doesn't qualify anymore. So I was.

Starting point is 00:37:53 Okay. What do you do for work now? Right now I'm working like for a part-time moving company where, you know, it's kind of like Uber where if you want to just, you know, hire a random group of people to come to your house and move shit, they can do it. It's no background check or the shit. So yeah, it's kind of. We're not in LA.

Starting point is 00:38:09 It's called Home Depot. Yeah. But you never did Uber eats, right? You just did Uber finger because you don't do that type of thing. Mutual. Son of a bitch. Mutual. I don't believe this fucking guy.

Starting point is 00:38:26 Mutual. She doesn't want me to do that. How long you been with this girl, Marcus? Three years. Three years. Yeah. And what did we find out? What ethnicity is she?

Starting point is 00:38:36 She's black. Oh. That's right. Wow. Haven't they been through enough already? Now you're out there not eating your pussies, Marcus? I know. Wow.

Starting point is 00:38:47 I felt really bad during February not doing it, but I don't know. My goodness. How about International Women's Day? Did you do it today? No, but I did let her fuck me in the ass. So I figured that was kind of. Is that true? No, it's not.

Starting point is 00:39:00 Oh, okay. There you go. All right. That would be at least something we could talk more about. What else about you, Marcus? What did we not find out that you think would be interesting for us to know about you? What did we not find out? I think, did we talk about me being from Germany last time?

Starting point is 00:39:17 I don't remember. I don't know. Did we? I don't remember. How old were you when you moved to America? I was five. So I didn't speak English and all the kids at school called me a Nazi. Do you still speak German?

Starting point is 00:39:29 I do. Yeah. Okay. Do you do it in the bedroom at all? It's not a sexy language. I don't know, man. Like I've tried it and it just makes it worse than it already is. So I was like, I don't know if I want to.

Starting point is 00:39:40 Can you give us an example of you talking romantically in the bedroom? Yeah. How do you say eat your own pussy out? 69. Yeah. 69. Yeah. It's not.

Starting point is 00:39:54 I can eat pussy. That's how you would say. Mushi is how you say pussy. Wow. Wow. Yeah. It's not a sexy language, man. My goodness.

Starting point is 00:40:04 Gracious. Do you feel bad at all about not eating pussy? I mean, dude, this is going to give me so much more trouble than last week. It's honestly, it's like a, it's a mutual thing. Like we just, we, you know, we don't do the. No one's ever going to believe that. You mean it's mutual. Like she doesn't want to suck your dick.

Starting point is 00:40:19 Right. Yeah. There we go. Okay. Let's make a deal. It's a make a deal. It's a make a deal. It's a compromise of sorts.

Starting point is 00:40:27 You don't go down on her and she doesn't go down on you. All right. I know. Right. Interesting. Yeah. But you don't crave it. Crave eating pussy.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Yeah. Brian eats everything. Clearly. Sometimes when I'm high, I'm like, maybe I should just go for it. But I don't know. Sometimes. Yeah. Don't do it when you're high.

Starting point is 00:40:46 That's gross. Yeah. Because if he doesn't like it and he gets high, he's going to look at him. He's going to freak out. I did it on mushrooms. What you were speaking about. I did it once on mushrooms like a couple of years ago and that was. It was weird dude.

Starting point is 00:40:59 It was fucking. Jesus Christ. That's why you don't do it. This is where babies come out. Maybe that's why I don't do it anymore, man. Yeah. Wow. The birth canal.

Starting point is 00:41:09 Incredible. It's trippy. Wow. Making out with a star like this. Dude, it felt like tongue kissing an alien, man. It was fucking strange for sure. Jesus Christ. No wonder you don't want to do it.

Starting point is 00:41:21 That would probably happen a lot if a lot of guys ate mushrooms and went down. I don't know. Maybe not. I don't know. Doubtful. All right, Marcus. What do you like to do for fun? What's something you seem like you like throwing at?

Starting point is 00:41:31 Seems like you like throwing at Xs or something like that. I don't know what he doesn't like to do for fun. Yeah. Are you an axe thrower? Am I right about this? No, I've never thrown an axe. I tried using an axe once and I was like, I've never. Perfect face for axe throwing.

Starting point is 00:41:43 He seems like an axe thrower. He looks like a dude who rolls on cigarettes. He looks like a dude who rolls on his body. He looks like the zigzag guy. He works at a whiskey bar. I don't know. I actually stopped drinking seven months ago. Good drinker, man.

Starting point is 00:41:56 Thank you. I appreciate it. What happened that made you stop drinking? What was bottom for you? There were actually a lot of bottoms and I eventually was like, I just need to look at all this. It was honestly the Rob Lowe interview you did with him. Really?

Starting point is 00:42:09 Yeah, I watched it and I was like, dude, I didn't know Rob Lowe partied like that. And then I saw, I was like, maybe I should stop drinking. I don't know. Wow. Look at that. Rob Lowe. Yeah. I was like, if that's sexy guy, I can stop.

Starting point is 00:42:21 I think I can handle it too, but I don't know. And even when you gave up drinking, eating pussy was never on the table. I did it more when I was drunk, honestly. I don't know. Yeah. I've had some low moments in my life. I did it to a stripper one time and that was, yeah. She's Luigi.

Starting point is 00:42:37 Strippers are people too, bro. They are. That's what I tried to tell her, but then she was like, you didn't pay me yet. And then I had to pay her. Is that true? Yeah. This was at the strip club? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:47 It was in Canada. It was like, oh yeah. Yeah. It went to the VIP and then I was really drunk. And then afterwards, like when my time was done, she was like, hey, you don't have anything, do you? And I was like, no. And she's like, because you really eat my pussy a lot down there.

Starting point is 00:43:00 I was like, I should be asking you if you have anything, but I don't know. She has healthcare. Canadian strip clubs are fun because they're ones and twos are coins. Yeah. You just pelt the girls the whole time. It's fucking great. They have a little stick with a magnet on it to collect it. They did.

Starting point is 00:43:15 Yeah. I'm so sorry. All right, Marcus, this was fun. Congratulations on getting up again. You plowed through it. Weed whacking. That's funny. There was something there.

Starting point is 00:43:29 It's all happening here. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next comedian goes by the name of Bobby Johnson. Bobby Johnson is next on Kill Tony. Steady pace coming from the back. It's all happening here. Only the guy with Tourette's was across the street getting wings. This is exciting.

Starting point is 00:43:52 Do you ever drive up north to Canada? Do you go to the strip clubs when he lived in Ohio? No. No? Keep coming. There he comes. One more time for Bobby Johnson. I was reading this article about a woman in Montana who got a sex change,

Starting point is 00:44:12 and what's interesting about the article is that I guess in Montana they don't call them sex changes. They call them reverse cowgirls. A little bit about me. I have a little bit about me, guys. I have a master's in energy management, and I'm currently doing research into renewable solutions into big dick energy. The other night on TV I saw that movie The Last Exorcism,

Starting point is 00:44:48 and right after it I saw the sequel to it The Last Exorcism for real, though. The other day my friend asked me, Bobby, what is love? And I'm like, oh, it's what makes a Subaru a Subaru. I have this... Okay. Bobby Johnson. Welcome to the show, Bobby.

Starting point is 00:45:19 Thank you. You're a fun character to watch. Thank you very much. How old are you? I'm 28. 28. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three and a half.

Starting point is 00:45:28 Three and a half years. Wow. You have your halves measured out to the day. Yeah. That's incredible. You've got really good stage presence. Oh, thank you very much. It is.

Starting point is 00:45:37 You knew how to hold that when, you know, you were talking about renewable energy and they start laughing. Thank you very much. You have a great look. You look like if a bumblebee made a baby with the Wendy's logo. Hey. What do you do for a living? I'm currently living with my parents because I have to get an operation done here in like

Starting point is 00:46:01 the next month. But in the meantime, I'm working at Firehouse Subs. Firehouse Subs. Okay. Love Firehouse. What kind of operation are you getting? I have a mass in my lungs and I have to get it taken out. Oh, Jesus.

Starting point is 00:46:13 What's that from? They think I might have swallowed something and it kind of just grew in my lungs. Holy fuck, bro. What? Wow. Like air or something? Air. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:46:29 I don't mean to mean it like that, but. There's fucking so many people listening to this podcast right now that decided to eat a 500 milligram edible before this that are just trying to hunt down fucking mosquitoes and anything else they could accidentally swallow. Hear their heartbeat. It's a demented episode of Kill Tony. How big is the mass? Well, I'm currently taking antibiotics for it to shrink it.

Starting point is 00:46:52 But when I went into the hospital for it, according to my surgeon, it was the size of two softballs. Whoa. Whoa. My God. I can't believe you got up here faster than every other comedian tonight. You had such a strong pace. It's funny because I thought he had big mass energy.

Starting point is 00:47:09 I love it. Adam's going hard tonight. Bobby, are you from like a suburb of Austin? No, I came here with a bunch of comedians from Dallas. I originally started in Houston, but like I said, I'm in Dallas now. It's incredible. You're doing really good, huh? Yes.

Starting point is 00:47:30 Was your first spot good? Yes. My first spot was at an open mic in Houston, and I went up to just like try it out because I had like all these ideas and stuff, and I went to go up and try it and I did good. You seem like you're in full control up here. Yeah. Thank you. Really cool.

Starting point is 00:47:47 What do you like to do for fun? Breathe. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I like to do what everybody does. I put my mouth towards open vents and inhale things from other rooms. You know, I like to cough, smoke tree bark every once in a while, swallow bugs. I like to play video games a lot, really.

Starting point is 00:48:11 I really don't get out much other than stand up, to be honest. What are your favorite video games to play? Right now, Fortnite, I guess, Apex Legends. Okay. Hell yeah. There's one guy in the back playing right now on his phone. Very exciting. I love it.

Starting point is 00:48:28 What kind of recovery time are you looking at when they open you up? I'm in the, so I'm going for my fourth round of medical testing here like in a month, but I will be in the hospital for like three days, apparently. Good luck, man. You're a funny dude. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah. That was fun to watch.

Starting point is 00:48:46 Absolutely. What's your love life like? I'm not dating anyone at the moment. You go on dates, though? You on any of the apps or anything like that? I was for like a year, and then I decided I didn't want to do it anymore. Why? What made you decide you didn't want to do it?

Starting point is 00:49:00 I just, I didn't like the results I was getting, really. Look at the results. I think you know what I'm going to ask next. Right. I wasn't really matching with anyone, to be honest. I didn't, truth be told, I really didn't have any, like, good pictures or something like that. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:49:18 Yeah. How about now? Take a picture of you up here right now. Yeah. I'll take a picture. I'll airdrop it to you. Oh, look at that. Unless you want them Android weirdos.

Starting point is 00:49:26 Okay. Official pictures. That's Joe Rogan. That's awesome. Okay, that's your picture, man. Dude, yeah. Rip in. You are out of control.

Starting point is 00:49:34 Do you have a phone on you? Want me to deal with your phone? I don't know how to work it. It's like really old, yeah. Well, look at that. This motherfucker has an iPod, everybody. This guy has a real fucking, this guy has 40 songs saved on that mammoth. Is it not on?

Starting point is 00:49:48 It is. It's, I don't, I don't know how to work your phone. Yeah, exactly. I can help you. Okay. What do I do? It's not hard. You press the power button and you hold it until you see something.

Starting point is 00:49:58 There it is. Look at that. There's the time. Swipe up. Swipe up. Swipe up. Okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:06 Whatever you got to do to open your phone. You just have to do a quick watch going until there's three and a half year anniversary of an online scene. Go into your, all your apps and you should see one that looks like a camera. Okay. This is Joe Rogan, teaches a 28 year old how to take pictures with his phone. This is an incredible segment on this show that is a debut of this segment. Here he is, Joe Rogan with a 2006 iPhone right here.

Starting point is 00:50:32 Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Coming true. Yeah. I feel like he just, when he put his arm around your shoulder, the mass disappeared in your lungs. Doctors are going to go, what happened? Were you touched by some kind of God or something?

Starting point is 00:50:49 Yeah. Exactly. Very, I'm just kidding. You're still going to have a very major surgery. Yeah. No, exactly. I mean, I think you're just so cool, so talented. When you're back and when's your operation?

Starting point is 00:51:02 We don't know yet specifically, but if I did take a guess, it'd be like in May. Okay. Yeah. All right. Good luck, man. Come back again soon. Thank you very much. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:51:13 Big fan. There goes Bobby Johnson, everybody. Come on. He did it. Killed, got a picture with Joe. Pimp seed biscuit on social media. That was fun. Adorable little feller there.

Starting point is 00:51:29 Okay. The band's killing it. We got momentum. Your next Canadian goes by the name of John Moore. John Moore. Next. On Kill Tony. Go in nowhere.

Starting point is 00:51:48 We ain't going nowhere. We can't be stopped now because they're bad boys for life. John Moore must be coming to the stage. I'm sure of it. Here he comes. Indeed. Making his way through. Yep.

Starting point is 00:52:06 Keep going that way. Yep. Here he comes. One more time for John Moore, everybody. What is up? I'm actually just looking for the bathroom. Could you guys point me? I really was going to go to the bathroom and I'm glad I did not.

Starting point is 00:52:30 So I'm here with some friends from Dallas. I'm going to talk about my buddy that I was in the army with. This guy is a legend. You guys may have heard of him. I'm not going to use his name, but he's got a foundation with Gary Sinise. He has earned a lot of money. Great guy. And hysterical guy.

Starting point is 00:52:46 Only reason I bring him up. One of the funniest guys I've ever met. This guy, when we were in service, huge. 6'7", 260. Stepped on an IED and lost all four of his limbs. Yeah, I do not tell jokes about this guy for obvious fucking reasons. I had one serious question about his dick. He got his wife pregnant, so that question has been answered.

Starting point is 00:53:10 And truth be told, like I said, he's very funny. He's got a ton of stage time. More stage time than all of me and the other comics put together. But at least we're all put together. You know what I'm saying? Jesus fucking Christ, John. What the fuck? Oh my God, you just came up and told a story about your funny, your friend?

Starting point is 00:53:32 Why didn't you let him sign up? We would have loved to have a fucking funny guy with no limbs up here while you're up here telling these sad stories. You're right, I'm sorry. How many of you think it should have been him that got blown up in the army, huh? Yeah. How about that, John? How about that?

Starting point is 00:53:48 I deserve that. You knew you had one minute. I did not, I did not. Yeah, that's true. How long have you not been doing comedy, John? A long time. You drove in a car from Dallas with a bunch of comedians like, man, we're going to do a minute if we get pulled.

Starting point is 00:54:05 I hope we get pulled and you're like, ah. Yes. Really? Yes. Bobby was driving in my defense. He is a terrible driver. That guy that was just on here? Yes.

Starting point is 00:54:17 Just making sure it's not the Tourette's guy. I would believe you. So here we are. You were really in the army? Yeah. Wow, I don't really get army vibes from you. Yeah. You seem more like an old Navy guy to me sometimes.

Starting point is 00:54:33 Eagle Scout. Yeah. What were you doing in the army? I was a paratrooper in the 82nd. I was an artillery guy. Wow. Where did you serve at? I was stationed at Fort Bragg.

Starting point is 00:54:42 Actually, my buddy's here. Also 82nd guy in the comic. And I went to Afghanistan in 0708. Oh, okay. Yeah. Very good. Roger. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:54:53 Hell yeah. Paratrooper, huh? Yes. Afghanistan. No, there actually has not been a combat jump for many, many years. The last official combat jump was in, should I want to say, was when they jumped into Nicaragua or something like that. But there's not really any combat jumps anymore.

Starting point is 00:55:09 The idea is that the threat of people being able to, because it's like an 18-hour mandate, you've got to be able to deploy in 18 hours. Okay. Wow. That was a long way to know where. So John, you've been back for a while. What do you do for work now? I'm in graduate school.

Starting point is 00:55:26 And I'm using some funding that I have available to me through the VA. Okay. Awesome. And what are you going to school for? I'm getting an MBA and a data analytics degree. All right. Hell yeah. And I just started doing comedy.

Starting point is 00:55:38 I am very new. How new? This is awesome. Great to be here. Three months. And what else have you joked about when you're three months on stage? When you're not talking about a guy getting blown up for his country. But he's really funny.

Starting point is 00:55:51 He's the funny, quote, funniest guy I have written down here. The funniest guy. You see that? Funniest guy. Had to write it down because I couldn't believe it. You were 40 seconds into a set with no laughs and you're talking about the funniest guy, you know. I know.

Starting point is 00:56:06 Shit. I thought I was going to get a laugh with the bathroom bit maybe. I don't know. Really? You thought? That was a bit? Yeah. I thought you were genuinely asking.

Starting point is 00:56:16 Honestly, in retrospect, I wish I would have shown you. It's right over there to the left. Okay. Thank you very much. Instead you decided to take a shit right here on stage. I mean, I don't know. What else have you joked about? Tell us, give us a, give us a, what's your shortest joke that you have?

Starting point is 00:56:37 I did a joke about how silly QAnon is. And like, I'm not surprised that people believe this shit because they've been lying to us about everything for years. You guys remember Pluto? Yeah. It's almost incredible how bad you are at this. I mean, honestly, I've seen people do some horrible shit, but there's always like one or two people in the audience that like maybe need attention or something or like want to

Starting point is 00:57:01 show they have a different sense of humor and they'll laugh. The amount of silence that echoes, like I can hear the Western hotel, like people ringing the bell boy fucking bell across the street. You know what's confusing? You're a good talker. Yeah. Yeah. Like how do you not know that you're not funny?

Starting point is 00:57:18 Inexperience. Yeah. Three months in is that's very funny like in conversation with your friends and just trying to figure out how to do stand up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like what's the time that you made your, like, did you make your friends laugh on the drive

Starting point is 00:57:31 here from Dallas? What'd you do? We were talking about Bobby's driving and my buddy said, did your parents yell at you a lot? Like as a kid and I said, obviously not. Did you hear that? Did you hear that right before everyone was laughing about the silence? It's so baffling.

Starting point is 00:57:48 It's actually incredible. I'm going to have you do another joke because I'm shocked at how quiet the room can be. Again, normally when people do bad here, there's some noise like you can hear something, but right after you hit a punch line, it's like you're missing an ingredient and the bread won't rise like like you stand water. Yeah. It's like, what's wrong here? This flower ain't doing shit.

Starting point is 00:58:14 It's wilting flower on a tray. Okay. Do another joke. Yes. John Moore. Oh, thank you so much. This guy's so bad. It's actually amazing.

Starting point is 00:58:23 It's incredible. This is his story. It is great to be here right now. This is so much. This is actually, this is really fun. Fuck guys. I don't know. A joke.

Starting point is 00:58:34 Just a joke. You got it. You got it. Don't do any sound effects. I want to see if we can tap back into this. I had an STD scare recently. I got one. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:45 Not a scary one though. It's a curable, like this is a curable joke. So one pill, the joke is gone, but I should have known better because I didn't use a condom, which is stupid. But also, I once had a girl tell me that I have the biggest dick hole she's ever seen. That can't be good, can it? Just leaving the front door open like that. Come on in.

Starting point is 00:59:08 There was a parakeet that laughed at that, a jungle bird of some kind. Very interesting. Have you ever thought of doing everything differently? Yes. Have you ever thought of like completely starting from scratch, like just tearing the paper off the wall? Yeah. I do it every, honestly, I do it every, I've only been doing this three months.

Starting point is 00:59:31 I've told a lot of jokes maybe three or four, those jokes I've probably told four or five times. Do you have a big dick hole? That's what I've been told. Yeah. What are we talking about here? That's what I've been told. Where the pee comes out.

Starting point is 00:59:41 Right. But like, how big can it be? Like a pencil? Is it from like the top? How does it work exactly? Well, you're like a mouth of a Gatorade bottle, you know? No way. You don't have that.

Starting point is 00:59:51 No, what's it like? What's it really like? Just write it for us. Well, I mean, it looks like a urethra. I guess it's just maybe like, you know. Number two pencil, number three, number four. Unown. Is it a Sharpie marker perhaps?

Starting point is 01:00:02 A perhaps a. No, definitely not a marker. Perhaps the tip of a pool stick or. Definitely not. Number two pencil, maybe if it was sharp. But I wouldn't, I mean, okay, so in the army, they say that when you get an STD test, if it's called getting rotted off the range, have you heard this before? No.

Starting point is 01:00:20 So when you go to the range. No, we've never heard of anything that you've talked about tonight before. When you go to the range in basic training, it's a bunch of guys who don't know what they're doing. And so like. They got to make sure. Go ahead, go ahead. You got to make sure there's no bullets in the gun.

Starting point is 01:00:34 So when you come off the range, you lock your bolt to the rear and then you see the range master and he sticks a bolt down the end of your rifle and he like taps the firing mechanism. So they say when you get an STD test that you got to go get rotted off the range because they stick that thing. It's so stupid. A jungle bird again keeps appearing during your set for some reason. Thank God it's better than the silence. Wow.

Starting point is 01:01:00 So what else about what would we be interested to know before we let you go, John, give us one interesting fun fact about the life of John. When I was 11 years old, I saved my best friend's life. How'd you do that? The day after I turned 11, we I live a group in Colorado. He was in a cave in. There was like a cave that, you know, some kids had dug in the side of a ravine, maybe like six feet deep or whatever.

Starting point is 01:01:19 And we would go and we would like dig in this cave because we didn't know any better. And it just fucking collapsed on my buddy one day and it was actually three of us. My really good friend to this day, he's got three kids, was buried like under five feet of dirt. My other friend was buried up to his waist. I ran and I got help. Two adults came. They dug my friend out.

Starting point is 01:01:37 I went to a house. I called 9-1-1. I went and got his mom. She fucking chased me all the way there on my bike. That's awesome. Where the fuck were you when you're funny? Your friend stepped on that IED. I was not in the army.

Starting point is 01:01:49 I was not in the army anymore. It's a shame you can't dig yourself out of the hole. You put yourself in doing jokes. Incredible. Unbelievable. But I'll tell you, John, as far as as far as we know, a lot of people come on this show and they struggle and they're new and it happens. But I'm telling you, there's something so magical about the way that you do it.

Starting point is 01:02:08 You know what? Thank you. I know that that's an insult, but I still appreciate it. No, no, you are like, you seem likable. So thank you. There's that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm serious.

Starting point is 01:02:21 I appreciate it. Genuinely, this is fun. Hell yeah. There he goes. John Moore, everybody. Come on, give it up for John. Yeah, this show made me so sad. That was unusual.

Starting point is 01:02:34 It was. That was like a. I don't know what that was like. It's a special kind of silence that happened. You know, it's he seems smart. Yeah, yeah. That's why it's weird. Yeah, it's it's baffling all that.

Starting point is 01:02:52 Hopefully he doesn't try to pare a troupe off a bridge tonight. You know what I mean after that? All right, you guys want a special treat, huh? This is a special treat. Your next comedian is a regular on the show famous for his incredible joke writing and roasting ability. Ladies and gentlemen, he's here all the way from Los Angeles. It's everyone's great pal.

Starting point is 01:03:13 The great David Lucas, everybody. Hey. Yeah. By the senior advisor said the first thing he wants to do is start working on reparations. And as a black man, I don't want reparations. I rather have 20 pair of Yeezys and a G wagon. Like one pair of Yeezys is equal to two acres.

Starting point is 01:03:38 That's how I look at it. But I don't trust the government giving black people reparations because as soon as you give black people money, money, money no longer means anything. Like I'm willing to guarantee the first time they talked about putting Harriet Tubman on the 20, that's when Bitcoin was invented. Like, who really wants Harriet Tubman on the 20? You know what I'm saying? Like, can you imagine going to buy drugs with Harriet Tubman on the 20?

Starting point is 01:04:05 No. Like, can you imagine showing up to your crack dealer and the nigga give you a tub? Like, you ain't got no five and no 10. What about cash? Yeah, I don't want this judgmentalized money. See that old slave on your money. This Aunt Jermama looking bitch. All right, that's it.

Starting point is 01:04:25 Yeah. David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Welcome, welcome. What's up, Tony? How's it going, my man? What's up? You got a stupid ass jacket on.

Starting point is 01:04:35 I love it. Look at you. You played it extra safe tonight. Just a plain black t-shirt up here looking like Slave-O-Tel. What is that chain around your neck? Hey, Tony, you look like a gay fighter pilot. Get your ass out of here. That motherfucker got pubic hair around his collar.

Starting point is 01:05:04 Oh, yeah. Why would you say that about him? You got a sheetlin' shepherd around your neck. Seriously, though, what the fuck is that around your neck? You jealous? I mean, that thing is holding on for dear life. You are one meal away from just spilling gold all over the stage. Normally, when you got a collar on, you about to get fucked.

Starting point is 01:05:25 No, I'm sorry. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Why would you need an entire collar to fuck me? You know why. Just grab me by my waist. I love it. But seriously, what claw machine did you get that necklace out of? I have to know.

Starting point is 01:05:39 How many gay niggas you beat up for that jacket? How dare you? Yeah, bro. How dare you say so? You got a Tim Dillon outfit on. You have a Tim Dillon outfit on. Look at the size of that fucking shirt. So what have you been doing in Austin this week?

Starting point is 01:05:57 What's going on? Party and went to the strip club like a fool. Yeah, went to the strip club club. It's called a cabaret. Hell yeah. Lap bands will make her dance, right? You at the strip club. Yeah, that shit was cool.

Starting point is 01:06:13 I left it six, bro. Like $300 goes so fast at the strip club. Hell yeah. That's just in fucking spaghetti and meatballs. And your stripping name would be Pogo Stick. What's your little skinny ass? Son of a bitch. Pogo Stick.

Starting point is 01:06:38 Oh my God. Jesus Christ, David. I don't buy no pool stick looking motherfucker. All right, all right. Look at you. Not all of us are lucky enough to be built like a ice cream cone, so. Tony, you look like a rocket pop. You know the shit people eat on 4th of July?

Starting point is 01:06:58 That's actually legit. You look like Rayman about to start licking your ass. Scratch a sniff jacket. Strip club, what else, David? You've been adventuring around Austin. Out of everyone, except for Michael Lair on Kill Tony, you decided to come here for weeks out of every month. It's been very fun.

Starting point is 01:07:16 We've all been hanging doing shows. Yeah, I'm looking for an apartment right now. Yeah, okay. I knew that was going to come. Man, nobody wants you in their neighborhood. They got more quiet than they did for John Moore jokes, just saying. May I recommend Flugaville or hey, anyway, 25 minutes out.

Starting point is 01:07:35 What the fuck are you talking about? I would be downtown somewhere, bro. I got to be somewhere close by here. Heck yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. What else have you been doing?

Starting point is 01:07:46 What are some of your local favorite spots as of now? Fix, CM Smokehouse behind Bolden. Tommy Wontwingi. David Wontwingi, too. That's about it. That's pretty much all the places I go to. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:09 You ride any of these bird scooters? Got them right. Don't shit so strong. One took me up here today. One took you up now? Wow. I knew they had birds. I didn't know they had pterodactyls in this bed.

Starting point is 01:08:23 That's incredible. One took you uphill. Tony got a dildo on wheels. Okay, come on. You just sit on it with no pains. Okay. And what? It operates?

Starting point is 01:08:35 Don't I need an app or something to get it started? No, you got a torque to get it started. This thing is one day someone's going to make a compilation of me and you going back and forth. It's going to be like four and a half hours long. They got one now. It's two hours. They got one on YouTube.

Starting point is 01:08:52 Really? Two to six thousand views. Wow, that's incredible. Two hours long, bro. I love it. Wow. David, I mean incredible stuff. This guy killed in Miami last weekend.

Starting point is 01:09:03 We had the whole crew down there. Yeah, man, it was fun. Incredible performing and we had fun. What else am I missing? That's about it. You know, David is a door guy at the comedy store. Adam, you've watched David grow and coming out of nowhere. I've seen him grow in comedy and in other rooms.

Starting point is 01:09:21 No, I fucking knew. Oh, you started it. Oh, wait. I should have warned you. If you make fun of David, he does the 15 jokes that he had in his head for you beforehand. Adam, you look like a New Age Fonzie. Well, you look like Elvis Presley, grandson. I said, on home.

Starting point is 01:09:49 No, I was Adam, your hair is harder than your dick. I don't even know if that's an insult. I don't know. You put so much gel in it. Yeah, I'm fucking a lot of gel on it. No, I fucking love it. You know, I love it. Yeah, that's my boy.

Starting point is 01:10:05 Yeah, man. You are. I think you were the last door guy I hired maybe or maybe now maybe like second or third. No, the little tiny white boy who live in Long Beach. No, he was the last door guy. You didn't have to hire him. No, he was the last store guy. You didn't have to hire another one after him because no one could get through the door after you hired David.

Starting point is 01:10:22 It's perfect. Oh, you're over 21. Stay outside. Tony got Tony. You got fired from the comedy store because they caught you sleeping naked in the green room. Okay, that's not that wasn't good. Fuck. I wasn't sleeping.

Starting point is 01:10:37 I was testing out my new dildo scooter and it was exhausting learning how to work to get it started. So there I was working on a dildo. It's my favorite song growing up. Yeah, I've been twerking on the dildo all the way. That's funny as hell. Guys, he's an absolute monster. Very longstanding regular on the show. I've got a big Amber, David Lucas, everybody.

Starting point is 01:11:09 Cold-blooded assassin. He's also cold-blooded because he's a mammal. Wait, did I? No, that's not. Yeah, fuck that one up. Yeah. Hey. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:11:27 Oh, yeah, that one is. Thank you. All right. Cheers. Cheers indeed. Cheers to all of you with the balls to come out to a real live show and enjoy the sweet, sweet freedom of Texas. Am I right, people? Woo.

Starting point is 01:11:43 We come from a land where we're not allowed to do what we're doing in here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is E.G. Hidalgo. E.G. Ooh, there's a pop from right over here. Oh, look at this right next to the stage. Here's E.G. Hidalgo. Hello, everyone. My name's E.G. and I'm a parking lot attendant for the greatest grocery store on Earth.

Starting point is 01:12:08 A.G. Motherfucking B, y'all. Give it up for me. There's a lot of benefits to pushing carts. You get exercise. You get sunlight. You're getting paid. And the greatest benefit of all, these immaculate calves. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:12:25 And there's also negatives, for instance. Used tampons. They're just lying about. And from about 50 yards away, it looks like the heart of a watermelon is cut out and just laying in the parking lot. And you're like, oh, someone's having a bad day. They dropped their slice of watermelon. And I didn't even know watermelon was in season right now. That's fucking crazy.

Starting point is 01:12:49 And then you get within 10 yards and you're like, holy shit, I can't believe I wanted to eat that. And I always give it a double take. I'm like, it really does look goddamn edible. It's like a tiger blood snow cone. Was there more to that that you were going to do? Is there like a big ending coming? Go ahead. Tiger blood snow cone.

Starting point is 01:13:12 And it's never a light day. It's always a heavy day of the month. It looks like someone tried to clean up a murder scene with that tampon. Just imagine a CSI investigator walking in like, well, Valdez, I only brought one tampon. So we're going to have to make it work. But I'm going to H-E-B later. You want to get a rotisserie chicken? There you go.

Starting point is 01:13:36 All right. Is this a real issue in the H-E-B parking lot? I'm convinced that there's a correlation with the pandemic. The longer it goes on, the more used tampons you see. How many have you found? I would say about six since the pandemic started. What the fuck? Which H-E-B is it?

Starting point is 01:13:53 I'm not sure if it's the same dirty bitch. No, listen. I'm not sure. It's probably one of your no-workers. You need to set up a trail cam. I'm not sure if it's the most feminist thing or the least feminist thing I've ever seen in my goddamn life. See, I wouldn't expect something like that at the Hebe. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:09 No, I know. Hey, I've got a college ring and I'm pushing carts. Just, that's sad. You have a what? College, what? Thank you. Thank you. Oh, would you get a degree in?

Starting point is 01:14:20 Environmental studies. It's surprisingly a diverse job market, but you've got to have work experience before you can get a job, and so there's not a lot of entry-level jobs right now. Heck yeah. You're out there pushing carts. You ever run into Joe Rogan at H-E-B? We found out earlier he actually does his own grocery shopping. We do shop.

Starting point is 01:14:41 We don't sell elk steaks, so. What H-E-B do you work at? Just out of curiosity. It is in Lake Jackson, Texas. It's about three and a half hours south of here by the beach. I drove here. Oh, wow. The beach at the Gulf of Mexico.

Starting point is 01:14:55 Yeah. Okay. The port? No, free port. Okay. All right. And that's where you started stand-up down there. That's where you were born and raised?

Starting point is 01:15:05 Well, that's where I was born and raised, but I started doing stand-up in Bryan with, it's a town. The guy who went up like two weeks ago, very first, Alex Frankensinia. He had the curly hair. You said Napoleon Dynamite killed himself. Oh, yeah. I remember now. And he was like the runner of that comp. He ran everything.

Starting point is 01:15:27 There was only one place that you could do stand-up, and that cocksucker happened to be the person that was running it. And so that was three years ago. I only did stand-up or open mics for about eight months. How old are you, E.G.? I'm 23. And my real name is actually Marcus, and I assure you I do eat pussy. Thank you. Wow.

Starting point is 01:15:48 Unlike the other Marcus, if you're wondering what the correlation is there. How often do you do that? You have a girlfriend? No. But look at that. This guy eats pussy on the first date, everybody. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:16:01 So the last time I got laid, though, was like right after New Year's. A girl that lives here, but we knew each other from our hometown, and she was down. Hell, yeah. And I mean, she was down. Pulled her tampon right out and was like, let's do this shit. Fuck. I mean, I wanted to eat. Wow.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Incredible. Yikes. What else do you do down there in the middle of nowhere, three and a half hours south? Man, I've just been drinking a lot because I had to quit smoking in July last year. Why? It's a real job. Like a grocery store. You quit smoking last July?

Starting point is 01:16:43 Well, you mean smoking weed? Yes. You should definitely start smoking weed again. Well, I agree. I mean, I've been thinking about it a lot. Just get back to it, bro. There's no job worth having if I can't get stoned. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 01:16:55 When I want. Yeah. So, you know, well, I mean, I had bought my tickets before I saw that fuck-ass Alex and Sinia come up on stage, and I was going to do this regardless, but whenever I saw him eat shit up here, I was like, yes, yes, I'm doing this shit. Oh, I have a couple of roasts for you. I'm going to try to be like David Lucas. Wait a second.

Starting point is 01:17:17 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. Hold on a second. I don't think you know how this works. I have a couple of roasts for you. You're going to try to be like David Lucas. These are all very interesting words. You think that's how it works? Go ahead.

Starting point is 01:17:34 I want to hear it. I want to hear it. Go ahead. You seem very excited. I used to push carts at a grocery store back when I was 16 years old, so I feel like a little connection with you. Ladies and gentlemen, roasting meat, it is EG Hidalgo. Go ahead, EG.

Starting point is 01:17:50 Tony, you look like Pete Davidson's gay bastard half brother. And if I close my eyes, you sound like Drizzy Drake's Jewish grandma. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Yeah. That didn't work. Did John? It didn't.

Starting point is 01:18:05 Did John Moore write these for you? This guy wants to crawl into John. I was trying to be like David Lucas. I hit my inner city voice and give you these jokes. So did you have more that you wanted to do? I feel like you wouldn't open with your. That was the only two I had written. Oh, you did both of them at the same time.

Starting point is 01:18:26 It's a gay jacket. Thank you. Yeah, it's a gay jacket. Very good. Not all of us can have the incredible fashion sense of Kurt Cobain after shooting himself. This is great. Kurt Cobain didn't wear shorts like this. You don't know what he was doing at home.

Starting point is 01:18:44 He didn't wear them on his unplugged performance. When he was at home, he wore shorts. I know it for a fact. When you get dunked on that hard, you got to laugh too. It's very important. You can't try to fire back where people are still laughing. I love it. So EG, tell us one more fun fact about you.

Starting point is 01:19:03 I feel like there's more. You're 23, so charismatic. I feel like you're built for this. You already have the body of Amy Schumer. It's exciting. Got that fucking thick skull, that fresh blow-dried hair. I love it. Tell us something else interesting about you.

Starting point is 01:19:22 EG. I lost 23 pounds over the past two months. Wow. Of weed. Where's my weed? But at the start of this pandemic, I was a lot slimmer. I had a little bit of a six-pack, some gills, and then... Gills.

Starting point is 01:19:50 Gills? What's that? It's like muscles in between your ribs. What? Are you sure that's just... They're called obliques. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:19:59 I think he probably just had a mass in his lungs from what I learned tonight. And then I got diagnosed with chronic acid reflux, and they gave me these pills that stopped my heartburn, and so I started eating a lot. Damn. That was right about the same time I quit smoking weed, so I gained 60 pounds after I stopped smoking weed, and then just recently, I'm back in the game, losing weight. Fuck yeah. Unlike David Lewis.

Starting point is 01:20:28 I used to work at a grocery store. Oh, shit. There was a... He's got his headphones in, so... I don't want to do that. I don't know if roasts are really your thing. David Lewis just did the... Yeah, you don't want to wake the fucking beast over there.

Starting point is 01:20:44 He's right there. He's right there. You can see one of his white earbuds if you look closely. That white dot over there. He's playing Angry Birds. I used to work at a grocery store. There was a part of the job called Go-Bacs. Do you ever do Go-Bacs?

Starting point is 01:21:01 Is that what they're called when they take the cart of all the stuff that people didn't get, or like, I don't want that, and then you have to go back and take it back. Do you ever do that job, or are you strictly carts? Like, are you like special needs level HEB type of employment like carts only? Gee, don't try to do anything else's job. No, we actually have a 50-year-old guy that had a stroke, so he can't really talk that does it as well. But, to answer your question, people leave stuff in their carts sometimes, and I go back

Starting point is 01:21:31 and I, like, ride it in a sheet, and then I put it in the special marked location. It's like... There's, like, 50 different places. Do you ever sneak some food away to, like, the bathroom? Oh, if they leave, like, a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper, like, in their cart, it's going in my truck immediately. Right. Goes right into your cart.

Starting point is 01:21:48 Awesome. 12-pack of Dr. Pepper. Nothing better than having chronic acid reflux and drinking a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper. Well, at least you're some doctor in your life. Not anymore. Not anymore. I stopped eating sugar. That's the only doctor he's been seeing is Dr. Pepper.

Starting point is 01:22:08 E.G. Hidalgo, so fun. How long have you been on stand-up again? So, I did it. I did open mics for about eight months, three years ago, and then I started roasting Alex and Sinia. As you know, my roasts are not that great, but... Yeah, I noticed you've changed. You got all eight mile on us after you said, like, eight Tony.

Starting point is 01:22:27 Well, because I was poppin', I don't know if you know this, but Pete Davidson sort of looks like you, but you're, like, retarded version. Like, I don't know, like, you'd, like, change completely when you started roasting. I was trying to impersonate David Lucas, because he's black. Oh, don't do that ever again. What? Don't do that. That's the words of a guy that lives two and a half hours out of the city right there.

Starting point is 01:22:46 You're somehow a better roaster than impersonator. Yeah. I'll take that. That's... Yeah. David spells eight mile differently than we do. All right. E.G. Hidalgo, everybody.

Starting point is 01:23:00 There he goes. We're going to keep it moving along. Eight mile. I'm proud of that one. ATE. That's another fat joke for those of you keeping score. You know what? I had an idea this week.

Starting point is 01:23:12 What? I had an idea. We always joke about kill Tony bingo cards. Yeah. But then I started picturing it. I'm like, these things would be hilarious. We should definitely do that. I think people are going to listen anyway.

Starting point is 01:23:24 Why wouldn't they want to play along? Actually, there's a... I've seen a few kill Tony bingo cards. I think I'm going to make some. I think I'm actually going to do it. You're like, what do you do for fun? You got a journey. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:36 Yeah. Like, just fun, silly things. Like, you know, whatever. There's a ton of things. Jack Timmons is next. Jack Timmons is next on kill Tony. Live in Austin, Texas. Jack Timmons is coming from the outside.

Starting point is 01:23:53 These people all socially distanced on the sidewalks. Maybe we could have Ryan Jebo make it. What's that? The bingo card. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to think it out because they all have to be different. I'm going to think of, like, a hundred things that happen or something.

Starting point is 01:24:09 I don't know. Hey, look, here he is. Everybody hits Jack Timmons. Hey, being a pedophile, kind of childish, right? You know, liking kids? I don't know. I feel bad for pedophiles because it's just like they're a normal guy until they turn 16. And it's like, come on, Jeff.

Starting point is 01:24:25 It's fucking... Let's knock it off with this. How many of those guys do you think got, like, confused by the pedicure? Like, when that came out? And, like, you guys can... You guys can fix this? Like, what? Showing up at the salon, like...

Starting point is 01:24:42 Like, yeah, my feet feel good, but it's, like, fucking $40. I still like kids. What's the deal here? Do I got to get the sugar scrub or some shit? Like, what am I... Fucking Chris Hansen comes out. He's like, look, have a seat. No, no, keep having a seat.

Starting point is 01:25:01 I noticed you got the pedicure. But you skipped over the manicure. Would you have settled for a kidney care? What are we... What are you doing? What are you doing here, man? I'm waiting for the meow. There it is, exactly a minute when you said meow.

Starting point is 01:25:20 That was it, Jack Timmons. Welcome to the show, Jack. Very good. Thank you. That's a very good premise. Thank you. That was very funny. Outstanding premise.

Starting point is 01:25:29 I think that, yeah, we could lose the last tag, probably. Yeah, probably. Yeah, probably. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? Solid year. I don't count the eight months or whatever with COVID, but yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:25:41 Cool. All of it here in Austin? No, I'm from Cincinnati. So, I mean, I grew up in Columbus. What are you doing out here? Comedy. How long have you been out here doing comedy? Five months now, I think.

Starting point is 01:25:52 I got down here like the end of September. Sweet. Good move. Way to get out of Ohio. What are you doing for work? How are you surviving? I'm a personal trainer. What?

Starting point is 01:26:01 I think it's pronounced tutor. Okay. Personal trainer. What the fuck are you training people to do? It's not old people. You spot someone? They just get enough cardio from their heart beating out of their chest, lifting weights with this guy to trust.

Starting point is 01:26:20 Brad Williams? Nothing. Yikes. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, I made it. There we go. There it is.

Starting point is 01:26:28 It's a reach. Trying to throw that underneath the table. There you go. Yeah, no. You're still doing it. I don't know if you know. Your mic's on, Brad. So Jack Timmons, you've been doing it a solid year.

Starting point is 01:26:43 You're originally from, what made you move from Columbus to Cincinnati? That's the weirdest part of the story to me. Gross. Horrible, horrible place. I went to UC. Because you're like. A bear cat. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:54 Okay. Can you do an impression of a bear cat real quick? No. I thought it would have been so adorable. I thought he was just going to. Like that. It was a sound effect if you're wondering that. That's good.

Starting point is 01:27:06 Wow. Tony just made a crazy noise. I could do that anytime. Really? You want me to do it again? Here you go. There it is. See?

Starting point is 01:27:15 That's acting right there. That's fucking one acting class in 2008. Okay. So Jack, really personal training. You make enough to survive off that. Survive? Like, it's right there. It's like bare minimum every month.

Starting point is 01:27:30 That's awesome. Where do you train people? At a country club. Wait, what? Like a gym? Yeah, there's a gym there. Yeah. What do you really do?

Starting point is 01:27:40 That. I mean, I stand around and then I train people. Yeah. So like, let's say I was in the country club. All right. There's the music playing. I'm hanging out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:51 Man, it sure would be great to find a trainer around here. And then I like would be hanging out downstairs listening to like music or something. Do you just tell them which fork to use? I'm like, no, it's, right now it's like, it just kind of changed. It usually is just me yelling at people to wear a mask and then like ignoring kids when they ask me things. So the country club pays you? They do pay me.

Starting point is 01:28:14 Yeah. Okay. Do you get to golf for free? I do. Yeah. Okay. What country club? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:22 He's son of a bitch. Do you see that? Yeah. And it's a nice chorus. Okay. Sweet. I do. Let's be friends.

Starting point is 01:28:30 Okay. All right. I love golf. Tony became a golf judge recently. I did. I'm going tomorrow. I'm so excited about it. It's all I can think about right now.

Starting point is 01:28:38 Especially since you said country club. It's like a, it's like a, it's like a naughty word or something. So Jack, tell us more about you. What do you like to do for fun? You've been here a few months. What are your favorite things about Austin, Texas? I mean, it's, it's pretty much this. Honestly, it's better than Ohio.

Starting point is 01:28:53 That was pretty much the selling point. Sure. Yeah. I mean, you, you know, we both know. I mean, there's some parts of Ohio that are great, but yeah, I mean, this is a flat. Yeah. I love Columbus. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:29:05 Columbus is a lot of fun. Columbus is awesome. The Buckeyes are fun. Why you went to Cincinnati? Why didn't you want to go to Ohio State? I tell people it's cause I wanted to like get away, like be two hours away from home, but then like close enough. They didn't accept.

Starting point is 01:29:17 No, they didn't accept. Yeah. It's really actually, even though it's like the biggest school in the country, it's still really hard to get in there. Yeah. They don't give a fuck if you're from Ohio or living Columbus or fucking anything. It's a lot of, it's a lot, a lot of athletes and Asians, which is kind of the whole thing. Sounds amazing.

Starting point is 01:29:35 Yeah. It is pretty fun. Asians can't be athletes. No, I'm just saying. Athletes and Asians. What about Bruce Lee, motherfucker? Yeah. And Michelle Wee.

Starting point is 01:29:45 You just hate tight pussy. What's wrong with you? It's not an athlete. Jesus Christ. You have to do the math with Brian's jokes. Yeah. What? Oh, oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:29:58 I got it. Yeah. You need, you need like a protractor and other devices. Okay. What's your love life like Jack? You seem like a good looking guy. You getting some country club purse, bro? No.

Starting point is 01:30:11 Well, no, actually, you know what? I've been like, oh, there was a little hesitation there. Yeah. I get it. I got to need the job. So, uh, no, I ignored anybody right now. Well, there's a lot of them. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:25 But, uh, talk to us. Yeah. Tell us about it. Come on. Guys, guys. How many, how many do you want to hear some dirty secrets about Jack Timmons personal sex life? I know I do.

Starting point is 01:30:35 Come on. Come on. They got that little golf skirt on. Talk to them. Yeah. They're, uh, it's weird with like a country club because it's like, it's either really older women or 17 year olds. And I'm really kind of into both.

Starting point is 01:30:51 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. It's perfect. No dents. Three o'clock. School gets out.

Starting point is 01:31:01 Jim gets full. That's now. That's whatever. All right. Yeah. Okay, Jack. Well, we found out a lot about you. Very, very, very solid set.

Starting point is 01:31:11 Very good time to have a good set. This is the Booker of the Comedy Store right here. This is Joe Rogan in front of you. How do you feel right now? It was a lot of shaker earlier, but that's not really the, I was hoping it would just be a good positive answer and we would get out of here. I want to be honest, Tony. It did go quite as I thought it would.

Starting point is 01:31:27 I'm a little bit nervous. My God. All right, Jack. Well, fun times. Fantastic. Good job. Jack Timmons. Good job.

Starting point is 01:31:36 Some good local talent here tonight. Mr. Sexy tool sheet. Is that right? Is that your social media? Shed. Hold on. Wait. Come back up here, Jack.

Starting point is 01:31:47 How the fuck did this end up being your social media handle? Why are you on Twitter and Instagram, Mr. Sexy Tool Shed? That's just Twitter. You're okay. Yeah. How did you become this on Twitter? Jack Timmons was taken, so I was like that. Mr. Sexy Tool Shed, I guess.

Starting point is 01:32:05 Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Jack Timmons was taken. Yeah. Timmons was taken, so you went with Mr. Sexy Tool Shed? Yeah. Honestly, yeah. There's a reason that you're not telling him.

Starting point is 01:32:19 Why would you choose that? Of all the other. Did you have a tool shed? No, not really. I don't know. It's kind of a fucking. I guess. Why do you keep hitting that pitch right now?

Starting point is 01:32:29 What is that? You just became Michael J. Fox. Mr. Sexy Tool Shed sounds like the handle of a guy that probably needs to get a pedicure, if you know what I'm saying. There he goes. Jack Timmons, everybody. Mr. Sexy Tool Shed. I remember it.

Starting point is 01:32:46 He's got a shot, right? Yeah, I just said it. He's got a shot. Oh yeah, for sure. Some great performances here. Mix it in with a couple of the worst performances I've ever seen in my life. It's really exciting. We're getting a little taste of the whole rainbow here today.

Starting point is 01:33:04 This sounds like a promising name. Make some noise for T-Bird Sanchez. T-Bird Sanchez. He's coming. He's right here. Oh, from the audience. From the, right next to the stage, yet again. One more time for T-Bird Sanchez.

Starting point is 01:33:26 What up? What up? What up? Just so y'all know, I do have a black belt and tongue food. You know what I'm saying? I ate that motherfucking pussy. Anyway, I got my name T-Bird because I had alcohol poisoning. I drank two bottles of Thunderbird when I was 15 years old.

Starting point is 01:33:41 Got my stomach pumped. That was not a good deal. I hated that name. But recently I've been quarantining for so long. I did a 23 in me. I was thinking I was going to be 100% wetback, but I'm 73% Native American. So now I'm scared to even fucking make a reservation. I'm scared of everything now.

Starting point is 01:34:02 I'm scared of getting blankets. Scared of getting fucking vaccine. I want this shit. What else is, uh... I don't know. I think that's pretty much it. I got fucking highest fuck, man. I'll probably get fired from my job if they see this shit.

Starting point is 01:34:17 You know what it is? What it is? Cock sucker. Got to throw that out there, man. I'm just enjoying my life, man. Happy to be here. Look at that. I love it.

Starting point is 01:34:31 There he goes. I mean, he's just basically admitting things aren't going the way he thought he would. And still, compared to John Moore, absolutely decimating the room. I mean, while just simply acknowledging that he's done and little cute things. Shout out to Designer Gas Club. What's that? Hold on. Get back up to the microphone there.

Starting point is 01:34:50 You have a sponsor? Yeah. How do you have a sponsor? This just got way more interesting. My weed sponsor. Oh, weed sponsor. You mean you have a pot dealer that cuts you deals sometimes? All the time.

Starting point is 01:35:02 All the time? How else do you get his name out there? I just ship him to H-E-B shit. Wait, what? We do some trades. I just send him some Texas products. You work at H-E-B? No, but I shop there.

Starting point is 01:35:15 You shop for him? Yeah. He can't get certain shit from here, so we make little deals. I ship him big red sodas and shit. Big red sodas? What kind of Los Poyos Hermano shit is going on right now that I don't know about? Big red soda. Big red soda.

Starting point is 01:35:34 You know, Tony. You can't get that in Kelly. You know. Big red soda. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. Is that a thing? Where does he live?

Starting point is 01:35:44 I guess maybe you don't know. I don't want to say. That makes sense. The weed dealer that's mailing you shit lives. Can we have his zip code, please? All right. That's fun. T-Bird, you drank two bottles of Thunderbird?

Starting point is 01:35:57 The last day of summer. I don't know what that is. It was the last day of summer. I wanted to go out with a bang and I downed a bottle of Thunderbird. Then we walked to the neighborhood store. We got a homeless guy to get us one. I bought him one. I ended up chugging that.

Starting point is 01:36:11 You drank the homeless guy's liquor? No, no. I drank mine. I bought him one for getting me one. I was 15. I thought you bought him one. You really drank two bottles of Thunderbird? Mixed with a tropical punch Kool-Aid.

Starting point is 01:36:23 When I was throwing up, they thought I was throwing up my blood in intestines. Oh, shit. Man, welcome. One thing I did learn is that my mom said that I did love school because when I woke up with the IVs, I was looking for books and shit in my backpack, trying to go to school. Wow. I was dedicated. Look at that.

Starting point is 01:36:40 Looking for your books. Yeah. Were you a good student? Until high school. Then what happened? I started smoking weed. Fucked up. What would you do after smoking weed?

Starting point is 01:36:50 What are some things you got into? Thinking I could freestyle rap. Oh, really? Can you give us a little example of what that sounds like? Can we get a little beat, Michael? Yes. And John Dee's over here. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:37:01 Here's a little bit of the stylings of T-Bird Sanchez, everybody. I'm going out with gusto. Here it goes again because I really don't trust no one. Here it goes straight from the motherfucking slum. I never claimed to have a gun, but I run my lips real fast. I got a lot of gas. I don't really know why I don't really last long in bed. That's why I give a lot of head.

Starting point is 01:37:24 I beat that pussy up with my tongue till it's red. Oh. Whoa. Look at that. Oh, my God. DJ, DJ, DJ Big Red Soda. Is that your first freestyle on this show? Hell no.

Starting point is 01:37:40 No, we do this. Anytime anybody says they've ever freestyled or thought about it once, I have them freestyle. Are you kidding me? Absolutely. The main reason why I wanted to do this stuff too, I've only been doing this since January 14th. What, stand up? Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:37:56 I did it at the Cap City Comedy Club to a sold out crowd the first time. Wow. And then they closed like that day. Wow. What did you do to them? They're like, that's enough. We're done. Fucking T-Bird Sanchez.

Starting point is 01:38:08 Y'all can have it. Wow. That's incredible, T-Bird. And it's something you've always wanted to do? Yeah. I mean, you guys have been a big inspiration. Joe Rogan. Cock sucker, Joey Diaz.

Starting point is 01:38:23 Man, those guys, like, if you have a dream, follow that shit for real. It's true. We actually have Joey Diaz here right now. Joey, is there anything you'd like to say to your friend T-Bird Sanchez? I don't know how people can eat ranch. Like, when I go to a place and I say, oh, you have wings, and they say it comes with ranch and get up and leave, even if I don't get the wings. There you go.

Starting point is 01:38:43 Okay, that's good. Thank you, Joey. It didn't go exactly how we thought it would. So just have the part that's good. What else does he say? It's blue cheese with wings. You won't be wrong, but you'll never pay. Okay, stop it.

Starting point is 01:38:56 Yeah, it's too long. We have a new sound board that has everybody on it. Look at this, Joe. It's an actually, like, it's your show's sound board. But sometimes the things that it says that it says, it says extra stuff. Like, if I wanted you to say, this is getting crazy, you would say, actually say, Woo, this is getting crazy. See, like, it doesn't warn us of that woo at all.

Starting point is 01:39:22 Well, that just lets you know I'm serious. The brain produces this chemical called dimethyl tryptamine. When chimps attack people, they rip your dick off. This is the real Joe Rogan sound board. I'm so predictable. It's kind of embarrassing. It really is. This world is very, very bizarre.

Starting point is 01:40:01 T-Bird Sanchez, you come from a big Mexican family? He's Indian. He told you. Oh, really? Wow, look at that. Well, we've been pretty much genocided, but, you know, we're pretty as big as we can. But you didn't even know you were Indian. You thought you were Mexican until a few months ago.

Starting point is 01:40:15 Well, I knew I was Indian because I could never grow a beard. I knew I was Apache because my shit always grew in patches, you know? But that's nonsense. He was thinking that shit. I can help you out here if you want to know. Like, that's what Native American and Spaniards equals Mexican. That's what happened. Well, that's why he speaks Spanish.

Starting point is 01:40:37 Yeah. I mean, that's the whole idea of the reason why. So you have, but the reason why you have Native American in you is because all Mexicans have Native American in them. According to 23andMe. That was my 23andMe. Yeah. And that blanket shit's bullshit.

Starting point is 01:40:54 Jeffrey Amherst, man. I don't trust that. Get on the microphone there, T-Bird. We don't want to miss a word that you say. T-Bird Santas. I said, I don't trust Jeffrey Amherst, man. He passed out the fucking smallpox blankets. They don't think that's true because they didn't understand virology back then.

Starting point is 01:41:09 They didn't really even understand, like, viruses. So they wouldn't know enough to put it in blankets. People just got it. It was just dumb luck. No, I think they think people just got it back then. I don't think they really think the people. I'm talking too much. No, no.

Starting point is 01:41:24 That makes sense. This is going to get too weird. That makes sense. The virus thing in blankets, they think that's a myth. T-Bird Sanchez, you ever commit a crime before? Shit, man. H-E-B. Come on, give us a good one.

Starting point is 01:41:40 I saw Crack when I was younger. I lost my mom when I was 17 years old. Wow. And I thought that I didn't have really nothing to live for, so I didn't have a job. But the crazy thing, man, is my mom came to me in a dream, and she said she wanted what was in my pockets, and what was in my pockets was Crack cocaine, and that's when I fucking said, fuck that.

Starting point is 01:42:04 I'm getting a job. Jamar. Jamar Neighbors is here. He finds the weirdest things for me. Absolutely loves the good, mother came to me in a dream to ask if there's Crack in my pockets joke. No. Can't help himself.

Starting point is 01:42:26 That is absolutely incredible. That was telling me to get away from that shit. So your mom was like, what's in your pockets, T-Bird? Yep, and I saw it, and I was like, fuck. And you opened up your pockets, and there was Crack in there? It was like, I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was something illegal that I just like, I was like, I'm not going to do this shit.

Starting point is 01:42:42 Hell yeah. Good for you. You close with your father? He died of liver disease when I was young, too. So I remember when I was 17 years old, I was all out. You have a lot of brothers and sisters? One brother, one sister, one just passed away. Jesus Christ, man.

Starting point is 01:42:56 What the fuck is good? Get the hell out of here. Get away from us. That's why I fucking love comedy, man. I mean, shit, if it wasn't for the tragedies, man, if it wasn't for the comedy, y'all wouldn't even know if I'd be here. Right. No, I love that, man. And you're absolutely, you're absolutely in it.

Starting point is 01:43:11 You have a great spirit. You have a great energy. Are you being healthy now or like are you eating kale and shit? Yeah, yeah, dude, I'm fucking on the fuck. No meat, no dairy. What? Wait, what are you eating? Just a bunch of bread and potatoes?

Starting point is 01:43:26 That shit's not good for you. You need brisket. I've lost like 23 pounds. And my shit smells like apples. Wait, I don't believe, let me smell your shit real quick. There he goes, everybody. One more time for Teeber. There he goes, everybody.

Starting point is 01:43:43 One more time for Teebert Sanchez, everyone. Teebert. That's 10 minutes ahead. Okay. All right. We'll speed through a couple more here. You can learn a lot about human beings on this show. Oh, hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:43:59 Hell yeah. Too much. The kind of people that get into comedy, you forget when you've been doing it for 30 years. What it's like on open mic night. Push it. All right. Here we go. How about the comedy stylings of David Flores? Is there David Flores?

Starting point is 01:44:19 Here comes David. Another audience. Straight from the crowd. What the fuck is good, Mijos and Mijas? Have you ever had to put a T-shirt over a girl's crack because her ass smells so bad? Man, there's a lot of girls out here

Starting point is 01:44:51 dressed extra ho as trying to fuck Joe Rogan. Anybody in the... Anybody in the audience like feet? Yeah. Every time I meet a new girl on Bumble, that's actually the reason why I got banned. I asked her to send me a picture of her feet. And like, most chicks are cool with it,

Starting point is 01:45:17 but other chicks they would like would be like, pissed off and be, and I'll be like, yeah, you know, let me smell them hooves, girl. Wait, hold up, hold up. Wow, David Flores. That's the funniest shit I've heard in a week. Let me smell them hooves, girl.

Starting point is 01:45:45 You're still looking at your jokes. You're still looking. Is there more you want to do? You want to extend this thing? You just killed. Are you sure you want to continue? I know this girl that tells me she's a Mexican girl, and I ask her, hey, what do you want to eat?

Starting point is 01:46:01 And she's like, I don't know, I just ate panda, and I go, what the fuck, what do you mean? You know, some exotic meat stealer or something? And she's like, no, panda express, and I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, you should have ended when you did, yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:17 Bro, you got to stop with hooves. Yeah, man. You got to go Vegas, baby. You got to get out while you're ahead. Clothes on hooves. You're the guy that just won $10,000 on a slot machine and put it all on red.

Starting point is 01:46:33 Right there at the end. I can double it, bro. Smell them hooves. Wait till they get this fucking glass of choking. Let me smell them hooves. It really is. David did everything that we were hoping John Moore would do.

Starting point is 01:46:51 Like some real, you take some real creative chances. It doesn't sound like anything we've ever heard before. That's for sure. You have a very, almost deliberately ignorant style to you. Absolutely hilarious.

Starting point is 01:47:07 Like, it's believable, too. You do love the smell of women's feet, don't you? Yeah, dog. That's the best way to bust. Oh, no. I'm learning here tonight. I didn't realize I was going to school when I showed up to my podcast.

Starting point is 01:47:23 Do you grab one while you're fucking? It's the best, like, whenever you're missionary and you have, like, the feet in front of you and you're, like, smelling in between the toes and shit. In between the toes. You go deep, dude. Where did this come from? When did you first start getting attracted to feet? How did this start? You once fall in front of a hot chick

Starting point is 01:47:39 and you're just like, this ain't that bad. I had this Asian girlfriend back in the day and she was actually, like, Asian, Russian and she had, like, really stinking-ass feet and she had the best pussy I've ever, like, fucked, like, tightest as fuck. So I think that got me into feet.

Starting point is 01:47:55 The fact that you're so comfortable discussing this in front of strangers is... I bombed. I think that was yesterday. I think you're clear. I bombed last time. You bombed last time? Well, you did.

Starting point is 01:48:11 You were yourself. Sometimes it's all you have to do is actually be yourself. Thank you. People are amazed that you could be yourself and talk about busting while you're smelling stinking feet. I understand. It's your favorite... I believe you. I don't think you would lie about something like that.

Starting point is 01:48:27 What if you're with, like, a really, really hot chick but her feet don't smell at all? Oh, that shit sucks, dude. Because then you end up... You ever, like, into her that maybe she should do something? Like, are you ever like, hey, baby, why don't you walk around the block a few times and come back?

Starting point is 01:48:43 I tell them if you wear certain shoes or, like, don't wear socks with certain shoes and shit. You really do that. You don't wear regular feet. You don't just like regular feet. You're extropervert. Yeah, you really are one nasty bastard. That's like when girls don't like... have their guys don't wear deodorant.

Starting point is 01:48:59 Like, that's their... It's the same shit. It's like girls say, oh, you have a foot fetish. It's like what? Like, you like dicks or whatever. You have a dick fetish? Totally normal. That's the comeback of the night. Me and David didn't have anything on that at all.

Starting point is 01:49:15 He's like, what? You like dicks? You got a dick fetish. Get the fuck out of here. You got a money fetish, bitch. You got a... I don't want a job fetish. That's a man that knows what he wants. Yeah. Hey, do it as hard as fuck to find, man. Not now. After this.

Starting point is 01:49:31 They're gonna find you. All those stinky foot bitches that have been shunned. Oh, yeah. Look at those... Look at the hearty leather boots this lady in the front is wearing right here. Look at those fucking... It's like John Wayne used to wear those fucking things. So let him take her socks off and throw those fucking things away.

Starting point is 01:49:47 Yeah. She inherited those from her grandfather. I bet those reek. You got to find, like, marathon bitches or something like that. Dude, she could be ugly as fuck. I don't care. Like, my standards of drop as long as her feet are good. Wait. She can be ugly as fuck. If her feet are good and they stink.

Starting point is 01:50:03 Hold on. I'm gonna take a massive chance here. I'm gonna take a massive creative chance. Now, you talked about freestyling earlier, Joe. It turns out that happens a lot. But what is about to happen has never happened. Is there a woman in the audience that thinks she might have stinky feet and would be able to let David

Starting point is 01:50:19 just get one little whiff with his nose and tell us what he thinks about it? Come on. If there's a... If there's a girl that's a fan out there, it's really gonna help this episode. We'd really appreciate it. No? Nobody? You see what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:50:35 There's got to be a brave woman here who knows her place in the universe. It's really... This is just proof to the rumors that... She knows. Do it for Joe Rogan. She knows she's got them stinky feet or an androgynous guy. Come on. There's got to be one lady out there with the balls or the...

Starting point is 01:50:53 Wait. I see these two over here thinking. Oh, that's a guy. We need a large... We got one right here on the left. She's not even volunteering, Red Band. No one really? She just raised her hand, man. You want to come up here?

Starting point is 01:51:09 Here she comes, everybody. It's gonna be the great foot test of 2021. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's go. Move those fucking stinkers, bitch. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 01:51:25 Ha, ha, ha, ha. We're having fun here tonight. This is the first ever Smell Those Feet segment on Kill Tony. Oh, yeah. Here it comes. She's taking the shoe off. She goes, really? There it is.

Starting point is 01:51:41 The shoe is off. You want to start with the shoe? Smell the shoe. Start with your shoe, bro. Come on. No, no. Just listen to me, lady. Don't try to be funny. Yeah. I mean, it smells okay. It smells okay? Okay. How about the toes?

Starting point is 01:51:59 Lift up your little foot. Let David get a little width there. She volunteered for this. Wow. He gets in there. That smells badass, dawg. It's badass, bro, he says. Wow. That smells good, bro. I've been looking for that shit.

Starting point is 01:52:15 You've been waiting for that shit. Let's just let David freestyle here. Tell us what exactly you just felt. Go right ahead. Nice and slowly. Like, if you find, like, your... I used to find my ex-girlfriend's socks and shit, and, like, they would smell like that. Or, like, when I'm...

Starting point is 01:52:31 Describe it for us. Like, you're like some type of, like, something like that. Yeah, like, you're describing a fine O.E. Yeah, it's like a... It smells like Cheddar and Garlky, and kind of like... This is exactly why no woman wanted to come up here. It's for that reason.

Starting point is 01:52:47 Man, vinegar. Yeah, cheese, garlic, and vinegar. I like that. She has a real free spirit. Does this get you excited? I can still smell it in my nose. Are you single currently? Oh, wow. What do you think? Are you attracted to David at all?

Starting point is 01:53:03 What do you think over here? You want to hit the next kill, Tony? Yeah, I have tickets for the 22nd. Fuck it, let's do it. Whoa, look at this! A match made in fucking... Yeah, yeah. Here is to Joe Brogan.

Starting point is 01:53:19 Are you a comic? Yeah, I smell a rat. Yeah. Wow. David Flores smelled a rat, too. It made him come in his pants a little bit. Yeah. It was a dead rat. Yeah, I smell...

Starting point is 01:53:35 You enjoyed that a little too much. Did you sign up tonight? No, but you do stand-up comedy? I have. Okay, do you still do it? I do. Why didn't you sign up? I've never been here before.

Starting point is 01:53:51 I wanted to meet the men first. Feel it out. Smell it out a little bit. Just come in. I think you and David could be a comedy couple. I think we could put some shit together. I thought you had a boyfriend. Who's that dude? Oh.

Starting point is 01:54:07 Anthony Zamora, that's my cousin. Oh, okay. I didn't want to say nothing to you because I thought that was your boyfriend. You thought about talking with her? You didn't want to say, but you smelled her fucking feet? He's like, well, I don't want to talk too intimately with you. She's sitting at my table and she was super loud. I thought you were going to tell her some shit.

Starting point is 01:54:27 I was hoping he would. That's what you were doing? Do you have any weird fetishes? What's her name? Lily Badass. Lily, are you in anything weird like he is? I think we'll have to wait for next time to find out. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:54:43 Very, very shy. This is the shyest smell my foot chick I've ever met in my life. I've got to be honest with you guys. Normally... Yeah. I'm afraid to put her foot in her own mouth, but not David's mouth for some reason. Hey, would you let him suck on your foot a little?

Starting point is 01:54:59 Red Band, no. That's not how it works. You're not the one that comes up with the ideas here, all right? I mean, it seems like a good idea. It does not seem like a good idea. Y'all are going to have to wait until next time. Yeah, we're going to have to... Yeah, you have to keep it going. We'll see how it goes.

Starting point is 01:55:15 You guys have to go on your date one foot in front of the other. How about a nice round of applause for Lily, huh? Lily Badass. Coming in. Damn. See, dude? It's like Kevin Costner and Field of Dreams. Build it. They will come.

Starting point is 01:55:33 Fuck yeah, dude. You got toes in different area codes right now. There goes David Flores, everybody. Come on, he redeemed himself. He struggled a few weeks ago. Oh, hey. Can I promote my... I just made a film that's about me

Starting point is 01:55:49 and it's called Finding Laughs. It's on YouTube. All right, there you go. You should call it Finding Feet. Yeah. There he goes. David Flores, everybody. Plugging something. Never his nose, but his plugging is...

Starting point is 01:56:05 He was awesome. From now on, we're just going to be saying, let me smell them hooves. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time, huh? Fuck yeah. I was going to give Lily an automatic minute in such a good spirit, but she said she didn't sign up, so she doesn't want to do it this week.

Starting point is 01:56:21 So you guys think we should dig until we find a lady out of here, right? We haven't had one tonight. Is that correct? No, we haven't. We could probably do one quick guy and then one female. Let's see what happens here. Okay.

Starting point is 01:56:37 How about Mikey B? Is there a Mikey B? Mikey B? Damn. Yeah, here comes Mikey. Mikey B's coming from the back. We're having fun. It's going to be hard to follow

Starting point is 01:56:59 a foot-smelling part of a podcast. That's the first in podcast history. Very rarely does he say foot-smell. Here's Mikey B, everyone. What's up? What's up? What's up? I think dating's a little weird right now, right? We all know that.

Starting point is 01:57:21 Not even before COVID shut things down. There's some weird laws being passed. North Carolina passed a law. It says in North Carolina, once two people start a sex act, no matter what it is, kissing, holding hands, whatever, neither one of those people can withdraw their consent. I think that's fucked up.

Starting point is 01:57:37 To let you guys know about me, I treat sexual consent more like appetizers, right? If I don't like the first bite, oh, I know you aren't laughing because I look like I've never turned down food or pussy, but I like to think I have options. I'll eat either one. Thank you. This feels great. I love this.

Starting point is 01:57:57 I have a very unique job outside of comedy. I'm what you call a stay-at-home roommate. Which means my job is just selling weed to my other roommates. It's a very good economy, right? Self-sustaining. I was out of weed recently. I looked down the ground. There's a piece of weed sitting there.

Starting point is 01:58:15 Sitting on my couch. I peaked it up and smoked it. That was a jalapeno. That wasn't weed at all. Right? Talking about smoking that fire. I was high and I had heartburn real bad. What the fuck? How could you get those? Oh, Mikey B, everybody. There he goes, Mikey B.

Starting point is 01:58:31 Sorry, I forgot to close your set. Is that true? How can you get a jalapeno confused for weed? It was green when I was high. And it was next to your weed? No, there was no weed. It was just a jalapeno. I smoked a jalapeno peel. It's a joke, Tony.

Starting point is 01:58:47 Jesus. I know, but it just doesn't seem believable. As a weed smoker, I find it hard to believe that I would... He hasn't been doing comedy that long, bro. How long have you been doing comedy? Like six years. Oh, wow. There you go. Shit.

Starting point is 01:59:03 I wanted you to be right, but it feels worse than I'm wrong. What do you think about feet? Nine to feet. Not your thing? What are you into? Do you have any special things that you're attracted to? I said eating. Like, sexually?

Starting point is 01:59:19 I like dark hair. I'm more of a butter face kind of guy. I like staying in my zone, you know? Okay. Your zone seems more like a butter body. Yeah. You actually have a quite nice face, I think. Yeah, you got a decent face, bro.

Starting point is 01:59:35 You know, got some discipline. You can put it together. I still can't believe it's not butter, so... Okay. Where are you from? What part of town are you from? Dallas. And do you drive here with all those other guys? Yes.

Starting point is 01:59:51 How many of you were in a car together? The car I was in only had two. The other car had like eight or some shit. What's your home club? Hyenas and Improv. Hell yeah. We love Hyenas. I like Improv, too. Yes.

Starting point is 02:00:07 Okay. And you know Randy there at Hyenas? Yes, I do. Has he ever given you any notes or seen your set or anything? He's asking me to stop coming around. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's perfect. That's exactly what you want when you're starting out in comedy. I love it.

Starting point is 02:00:23 What else about you, Mikey B? What do you do for work? I sell weed. That was real. Honestly, comedy, that pretty much consumes everything I do depending on comedy. I'm currently saving up money to go to Mexico to get my teeth fixed.

Starting point is 02:00:39 That's pretty much my life right now. You're going to Mexico. How much money do you need? In Mexico or in America? In Mexico to get your teeth fixed. In Mexico, like two grand. In America, like $9,500. That's a good discount for a short trip.

Starting point is 02:00:55 Yeah. Do you know where you're going exactly? My niece lives by the border. She said she has a place and I was like, cool, let me just save money. You're going to sneak across? No, I'm waiting for my passport right now. They make you have to have a passport to get back into the country. So that's...

Starting point is 02:01:11 What makes you want to fix your teeth? What's going on? They're fucked up. I'm missing like all but one cracked one back here. These two front one broke like three days ago. How did that happen? How did it break? Smoking jalapenos?

Starting point is 02:01:27 What really happened? What really happened? That, I don't know. It felt loose and I was really high and I was messing with it. You drink a lot of Mountain Dew? Do you have acid reflex? Yes, I do. Wow, look at that.

Starting point is 02:01:43 All you guys shaped that way. Tums right here. Give me a cup of this. The party has just begun. They're smoothies too. Tum-tum smoothies. Do you have a grand plan once you get your teeth fixed? Then you're going to get your shit together?

Starting point is 02:01:59 I'll get my teeth fixed. The rest we'll see if it... I don't know man. Little problems. I get overwhelmed with everything that's falling apart in my life. So I feel like I can work on the teeth first and then we'll work on the next problem. But once you get more teeth,

Starting point is 02:02:15 aren't you going to start eating more? Probably, yeah. That's the plan. I'm being very slow down right now. The dentist told me she goes like, when you get your implants, you can't just bite into an apple. And I was like, do you think I got here from eating fucking apples? Like, it's not...

Starting point is 02:02:31 It's not why I'm here. Yeah. Well, we're just flying through this one, Mikey, because we're heading towards the end of the show. But thanks so much for coming on. There he goes. Thank you guys very much. I have a podcast too. Oh, look at that. He's plugging something, everybody.

Starting point is 02:02:47 There he goes. There goes Mikey B, everyone. Absolutely. Everyone gets to plug something on this show. It's just simply... Never how it's ever worked before. These podcasts, motherfucker. There he goes. The road needs more podcasts.

Starting point is 02:03:03 This is not enough. There's only a million of them. Yeah. There's a million podcasts in America. More than that probably. Listen to my podcast, Toothless in Seattle. All right, we got to get a lady out of here. We already said it's happening. Fuzzy isn't a lady, is she?

Starting point is 02:03:21 Fuzzy sounds like a guy to me. Okay, here we are. Ladies and gentlemen, Kirsten Freed. Kirsten Freed. It's your final bucket pool of the night. Here she comes from deep in the back. Strong, steady pace as she comes through the doors. Hair flowing.

Starting point is 02:03:39 In this breezy, overcast, Austin evening. Beautiful 62 degrees here in Austin. A lovely day. Here she comes. Steady, confident. A lot of swagger. You guys happy to be here?

Starting point is 02:03:55 What's going on out there? We're having fun still. Here she is. It's Kirsten Freed, everybody. Thank you. Whoo! Wow, you guys, I love Austin so much. I just moved here about a year ago. Every sentence ends with the words

Starting point is 02:04:11 ma'am. Here's your change, ma'am. Pull up to the window, ma'am. Mm-hmm. Even my waxers like, get up on the table and all fours, ma'am. Thanks. During COVID, you guys, I know

Starting point is 02:04:27 that I worked on myself. You have a choice to work on yourself. I actually chose to also work on home improvement. Which means I go to Home Depot. And a woman like me going to Home Depot and a woman like me going to Home Depot? I don't know.

Starting point is 02:04:43 Sometimes I get the she knows what she looks like, she knows what she's doing and sometimes I don't. So I go up to the one man who looks like he knows his way around a tool shed. Kind of the guy that looks like your high

Starting point is 02:04:59 school shop teacher, his name's Carl. That's a guy I go to. Now I went to Home Depot because I was doing a project and I went in for a specific thing. Looking for a stud finder. So I go in. Carl, he knows jokes. He goes, I got the thing

Starting point is 02:05:15 for you. And he leads me to this one man who looks like Paul Bunyan. He's like, I found your stud for you lady. Alright, you guys, thank you. Woo! Alright, Kirsten Fried. I'm excited about this. You seem familiar to me. Have you been on an episode on the road or something before?

Starting point is 02:05:31 Yes. Yes, where? San Diego and then LA. And at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Okay, so welcome. And you've lived here now for a year. Yes. What made you move here? A new change. And then of course everything shut down. Comedy shut down.

Starting point is 02:05:47 Took about a year off. As you can tell, I'm really rusty. This is very nerve wracking. Didn't think I would be closing out the show tonight. I was not ready to go home, but I'm so happy to be here. Absolutely. Exactly. Dreams come true. That's what happens. You say butter face

Starting point is 02:06:03 many times. Kirsten shows up out of nowhere. You son of a bitch! I'm sorry. I'm an equal opportunity. Women get it too. Sorry ladies. I get it. I totally get it. You're fantastic. Please don't call the manager on me right now.

Starting point is 02:06:19 You have these Karen energies. How many cats do you have Kirsten? My daughter has one cat. Your daughter has one cat. Is there hair all over me? No, I was just going off of your face. You don't have any hair at all. You just seem like you have a cat.

Starting point is 02:06:35 We have a cat. You live with your daughter? Yeah, she moved out with me. How old is your daughter? She'll be 24. Oh, okay. Look at that. That's enough for Red Band.

Starting point is 02:06:51 Red Band is getting gross over here with cat noises. For some reason the age 24. Cats come out of nowhere. Is your daughter here right now? What are you talking about? That one say no? What? What did you say?

Starting point is 02:07:07 All right, that's enough. Over here talking to cats. I know. I'm ready to respond back. All right. So Kirsten, remind us of some things we've learned about you. What have we laughed about during your two interviews

Starting point is 02:07:23 previously on Kill Tony? Remind us. Well, I had some relationship problems. I'm now single, which is fine. I'm happy with it. I literally thought I was going to have to go to the doctor to get my feelings surgically removed

Starting point is 02:07:39 because I kept going back to the same man over and over and over. Finally got over it. Okay. And how about now in Texas? Have you found yourself one of these fucking long horns? No. I'm still waiting for my man named Buck in a truck

Starting point is 02:07:55 where he can fuck. I think you'll end up with a cuck. Yeah. Probably. But you've gotten laid since being in Texas, right? It's been a tough year, you guys. Wow.

Starting point is 02:08:11 You got stinky feet. I know a guy. You ever dip your foot in the litter box at home, huh? Just fucking hit up David Flores. Try not to make that a habit. Oh, my God. I know a young fucking, I know a young fucking

Starting point is 02:08:35 Latino fella. Wrong color. Oh. Racist. My favorite thing was looking at John Deez's reaction on that one. Like, uh, is that the right color? That is the right color.

Starting point is 02:08:51 Oh, look at this. Very interesting, Kirsten. Very interesting. And that's the guy that you kept going back to was Black? Wow, so the rumors are true. You're carved out. You can't get anything smaller. No.

Starting point is 02:09:07 Wow. My goodness. I think I can, though. Those kinds are harder to find in Texas. Do you live downtown or in a suburb? North Austin. North Austin. How far north? Around Rock. Literally north Austin.

Starting point is 02:09:23 Literally on north Austin. So that's where it's on North Hills. Don't give your address out on the internet. I will not, but I'm in the back. So if you like what you see. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. If anyone's ever wanted to hook up with their seventh grade algebra teacher, now's the time.

Starting point is 02:09:39 Do the math, baby. Ha, ha, ha. It is time. It's time. Oh, my God. I love it. What do you do for work? I work for Costco.

Starting point is 02:09:55 Oh, okay. Hell yeah. No one knows how to take heavy loads better than you. I mean, that is a... Oh, my God. That is a... Oh, my God. Pristin only fucks Black guys and works at Costco. That's incredible.

Starting point is 02:10:11 Better meat than HEB. That is not true, Red Band. Take another stance. Try HEB meat again. It's the weirdest thing. Nope. Okay, so... When's the last time you were with a white guy?

Starting point is 02:10:27 1817. I'm kidding. I'm sorry, Kirsten. I can't help myself. We had just gotten out of a war with France. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 02:10:43 I'm sorry, Kirsten. You handle these so well. You have the best sense of humor. I love it. Four and a half years ago. What was it about this white guy in which you're like, this is it for me? It was after my marriage.

Starting point is 02:10:59 It was kind of like right there in front of my face. So I did that for another 10 years. And then I just ended it. Did the marriage end? Because you found... No, the marriage ended for other reasons. Oh, okay. We don't want to go there, huh?

Starting point is 02:11:15 No, we shouldn't. Okay, all right. Are you on any of the dating sites or anything like that? I was. I was on Bumble for a while. Yeah, how did that work out for you? Not great. A couple guys I hooked up with and then no phone call.

Starting point is 02:11:31 Not hooked up hooked up, because obviously... Wait, obviously what? I haven't had sex. I told you that. But just like going out and then they just disappear. Like, what's wrong with you guys? Wait, you mean during the date they disappear? They're like, I'm going to the restroom? Are you right back?

Starting point is 02:11:47 No, look at me. Does that happen to me? No. No, like the second or third date. And then nothing. It's weird. Do you tell them you love them on the second date or something like that? No. No, I do tell them jokes.

Starting point is 02:12:03 Oh, that's what it is. I'm out of here. My goodness. No, that's fun. That's very fun. Well, Kirsten, very interesting. Have you been doing open mics? This is your first performance in a year?

Starting point is 02:12:19 Yeah, I mean, obviously you can tell. I'm so nervous. But now I haven't really been out since everything closed down the second I moved here last month. March 5th was my anniversary here. And so hopefully now that you're here and you're here and things are starting to open up and I can get back out there and not be so unpolished.

Starting point is 02:12:35 Absolutely. 100%. Well, good luck. Thank you. There she is, her third time on Kill Tony, third different city, Kirsten Fried everybody. There she goes. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night, a regular on this show.

Starting point is 02:12:55 You know him. You absolutely love him, everybody. Are we ready for this? We're Zach. Yep, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Los Angeles, California, started at Second City in Chicago over 20 years ago after being diagnosed

Starting point is 02:13:11 with Lou Gehrig's disease, decided to finally knock off off his bucket list doing stand-up comedy. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, here to close tonight's show as he does every week. It's the great, the powerful Michael Laird, everybody. Here he is.

Starting point is 02:13:29 Yeah. Thank you. What is this? A very special episode of Kill Tony. We got a guy with turrets. We got a guy with cancer

Starting point is 02:14:07 and now my dumpster fire us. But I love being disabled. Christmas morning, I bang your mom. I open your presents.

Starting point is 02:14:23 And I'm not expected to help clean up the wrapping paper. Your mom was putting on weight about 200 pounds of you including my wheelchair. Man,

Starting point is 02:14:41 I've been going to strip clubs too in town. I love these little rows. Yeah, it takes the strippers of the bomb and Hollywood strippers do cocaine.

Starting point is 02:14:57 Hear these steak. Wow. Exactly a minute. Extremely powerful entrance. Like a fucking pro wrestler or something like that. This guy's got swagger. He's looking deep down the backside

Starting point is 02:15:17 of the room. Just a blank stare. This is what deep madness looks like without the sunglasses right here. It's incredible. It's a good entrance. It's like Hannibal Laer. Yeah, Hannibal Laer. Not since Earl Skakel.

Starting point is 02:15:33 Yeah, Rose Battle History. Michael Laer, how you doing, man? Fuck Rainy Street. Oh shit. Oh shit. Shots fired. I was at one of those crack houses they converted into a bar

Starting point is 02:15:49 yesterday and filled with Victorian furniture so a fried boys can pass out drunk after the tennis lesson. And I'm on a table. It's a low top,

Starting point is 02:16:05 high top, 8 top, 86. I work in the industry. When I'm at a low top and this fried asshole has his fucking feet on the table.

Starting point is 02:16:21 A table we eat on. So I go to the bartender and the next way I always talk to people I go, are you going to tell him to take his feet off the table

Starting point is 02:16:37 or am I? And he goes, oh man, that's up to you or you go and do it if you want. I'm like, you let people put their feet on tables, people eat on, no

Starting point is 02:16:53 sex, girlfriend, take please. And we got the fuck out of there. A lot of people leave their Yelp reviews on Yelp, not Michael. He brings them here to kill Tony, where they can really be heard and aired out.

Starting point is 02:17:09 We don't cancel comedians anymore. We cancel bars. And we cancel them for a bad customer service. The whole world's watching. I love it. Michael Lair

Starting point is 02:17:27 is here ladies and gentlemen and we are joined. You are flanked by the very famous, we've seen her so many times, the famous nurse slash girlfriend. Hello everybody is here. We know her, we love her. I call her hypertension.

Starting point is 02:17:43 Hypertension, why do you call her that? Because besides blue balls, you give me hypertension. That makes sense. You seem a lot happier now that she's back. Seems like a weight has been lifted.

Starting point is 02:18:05 We have some un-syllable beef from Miami. Me and Red Man are in the green room talking about the singer Tiffany. I think we're alone now.

Starting point is 02:18:21 There doesn't seem to be anyone around. Me and Red Man are back there having a good time. Tony goes, why are we talking about this? And we have to shut up.

Starting point is 02:18:37 And then I open cold with a 40-year-old Gloria Stephan joke, brought down the fucking house and on the main ride back Tony's like, what was that

Starting point is 02:18:53 Gloria Stephan joke? I'm like you don't want to talk about Tiffany, I tell you shit about Gloria Stephan. I don't even remember this. Alright, that's good. I think we're alone now. What's that?

Starting point is 02:19:13 What was the Gloria Stephan joke? Were you doing it for us? I thought you never asked. I asked before. We're in Miami and whenever I go to a city I do what I call

Starting point is 02:19:33 customized. So Gloria Stephan was a Miami sound machine. So I come on stage and go, come on, shake your body, do that conga, you know, you can control yourself any

Starting point is 02:19:49 longer. Gloria Stephan broke her back in the tour bus accident, but she's still doing better than me. Wow, look at that. It does bring the house down. So you've been going to strip clubs? Is that true?

Starting point is 02:20:07 He's in love with the yellow rose which is the best strip club in Austin, Texas. Everybody pops for this place. What do you like about the yellow rose? Well, I pop twice in my pants. Really? Is that true while getting like a lap dance? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 02:20:25 Oh my god. I need to borrow some money. We'll give you some new sheath underwear to separate your cum. Yeah, exactly. You have a little cum pocket there. Sheath underwear?

Starting point is 02:20:43 No. Sheath underwear. Now we come Now we come pockets. That's right. Absolutely. I love it. So how long do they have to grind on you to make a guy like you fucking bust and nugget?

Starting point is 02:21:01 Well, I'm basically like my nervous system is like an open tuning fork. So I come as soon as I pay the door charge. I mean, what else can we do tonight?

Starting point is 02:21:23 Let's just call it there. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? Look at that. Wow. Damn. Oh, shit. No mask. Oh, shit. That's the L.A. equivalent to taking the condom off.

Starting point is 02:21:39 She made him do that. How about one more time for the great Michael Lair, huh? MichaelLairComedy.com How about it again? This is his first time on the show in like seven years. Make some noise for my pal to make it, huh?

Starting point is 02:21:57 How about a big hand for the great Joe Rogan, everybody? John Bees was on keyboard all night tonight. Follow him at John Keys J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. How about a big hand for D-Madness on the bass guitar, everyone? Michael Gonzalez,

Starting point is 02:22:15 Mike Agon's 13 on social media. And a big hand for Matt Mueling on guitar. Follow him at Mutation. D-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. Ryan J. Ebel. Let's eat tonight's drawing. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 02:22:31 Wow. That is amazing. Follow our friend Yoni at Best Barbecue. See him smoke houses at Bolden Acres on South Lamar. I double-dog dare you to try their what is it? I had a Philly cheesesteak and the other one

Starting point is 02:22:47 was a pulled brisket. Brisket brisket patty melt. This fucking thing. Wow. Look at that. Adam and Joe. Ryan J's drawing. Incredible.

Starting point is 02:23:03 Thank you guys so much for coming out. The Big Kill Tony 500 episode coming in days, I promise. We're in our final stages of putting it all together. Big big deal on a Friday or Saturday coming up in early April. Thank you guys so much for coming out every week. It's so much fun.

Starting point is 02:23:19 Feels like home. Good night everybody. Thank you. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing.

Starting point is 02:25:37 Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing.

Starting point is 02:31:39 Music. Music playing. Music playing.

KILL TONY - #498 - JOE ROGAN + ADAM EGET

Joe Rogan, Adam Eget, Jon Keyz, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, Michael Lehrer, Zac Bogus, Matthew Muehling, David Lucas, Michael A. Gonzales, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/08/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPON...SORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM – GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM

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