KILL TONY - #499 - DONNELL RAWLINGS

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

Donnell Rawlings, Jon Keyz, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, Michael Lehrer, Zac Bogus, Matthew Muehling, David Lucas, Michael A. Gonzales, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/15/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:MUD\WTR is a coffee alternative with 4 adaptogenic mushrooms andayurvedic herbs. With 1/7th the caffeine as a cup of coffee, you get energy without theanxiety, jitters, or crash of coffee. GO TO MUDWTR.COM/TONY to support the show and use code TONY for $5 off

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are

always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come be alive from Austin at Hand Tones for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliff. Come on, Austin, Texas. We're here. It's a big live podcast. Make some fucking noise. Yeah, that's the sound. Brian Red Band's here, everybody. Hey, everybody. How about a big hand for the band that you just heard, huh? Wasn't that awesome? Playing real music out here. Jammin'. That's John Deese on the keys, D-Madness on bass guitar, and Michael Gonzalez on drums. How you guys feeling tonight? You guys ready for a great

night tonight or what? I'm pumped. We have the great Ryan J. Ebelt drawing tonight's episode. He just drew a brand new coloring book. Yeah. We have a bunch of fun stuff in the works and a brand new Kill Tony 500 poster, which is still yet to be still being finalized. It's going to be here in Austin, Texas in early April, and it's going to be our 500th episode of Kill Tony. We're on episode 490 something right now. I'm about to bring up your guest in a minute, but before we do, let's find out a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you. Okay, here's our guest right now, everybody. It's Don L. Rawlings. Overcompensating for being 12 minutes late by just jumping on the stage, even though I clearly

hinted. If you're wondering why I said I'd bring the guest up in a minute so that he could hear me and catch up quickly to the fact that it's not time for him to come up here. Can I be honest right now? You had a bet. You said black people are always fucking late. Yeah. This is these. This I'm never late. What did I say? You said I'm never late. I'm just misunderstood. And then at 806, six minutes ago, seven minutes ago, I texted you, this is why you're misunderstood. No, if you want to be real, what was my response to your text? You said I'll be there. Well, I can't say what you said. Yes, you fucking can't say it. I can't. I'll be there in four in word minutes. You won't even say it. You won't even you're trying to get me to say the word. You won't even say it.

I'll say it. All right, fuck. I know some people scale the capital in this room. I'll say I'll be there in four nigga minutes. And you said that's what you said. That's why you're misunderstood. And then I didn't get a response. And I go, how many white minutes is that? Just to not get another response next week. But I, you know, your guy, he waited for me outside, not waited, but he ushered me in. Yeah, he did. And then I don't know, because you're really professional. I am like, you're the best person at reading out loud. I've ever seen. Yeah. And I know you guys have made money for a long time because you read those reads like it's fucking natural. Can I say this?

Yeah. Yeah. And then it was like, yo, we got to wait. I was like, fuck that. I'm just going on. And the reason why I was excited, because I'm happy to be here. We'll talk real talk for what we did for what happened in a pandemic. And I've seen how this was one of this, not one of it is one of the dopest live podcasts ever. And for you guys, they have the momentum that you had for so many fucking years. And for it to be like, it just stopped. And I saw a fuck with you, no homo, I fuck with you, son. But I saw y'all like would not give up on the brand. I saw you, motherfuckers, like, what can we do? You fucking left a home of the comedy store went out to fucking what's the spot better box studios? No, not better box. It was another place you guys went to

comedy club. Oh, the ice house ice house. No audience. Yo, I was like this, what the fuck is totally doing in the ice house? And he was trying to survive the pandemic. And I saw it. I was at the comedy store, one of the legendary spots for stand up, where we all come together. And I saw you like fucking like scratch your hair like how long before I get the fuck out of Hollywood. Yeah. And then that's why when you call me, you're like, you're going to be here. I'm like, I said this and don't take this wrong way. I said, nigga, I love you, son. Hell yeah. And this is it. This is our new home, Austin, Texas. Surprise, surprise tonight's guests from the Chappelle show from all of his amazing specials and appearances. It's Donnell Rowling's, ladies

and gentlemen. And now that Donnell is here, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you right now. Here they are. Hey guys, let me tell you about mud water, MUD, WTR. It's a coffee alternative with four different kinds of mushrooms and wild herbs with one seventh. The caffeine is a cup of coffee. You get energy without the anxiety, jitters or crash of coffee. Red Band, you know about this. I just got it the other day. It's awesome. It tastes like cocoa and like a little bit of chai and coconut. It's cool. And then you put a little honey in there and I love drinking tea. So the fact that it has all these really amazing things inside of it that gives me some energy

like coffee, I'm for it. Look, man, I've been a big coffee drinker the whole time. I find my places. I have a coffee machine. I was hooked. I didn't realize I didn't need all that caffeine. I was setting myself up for a massive crash. This mud water has cacao and chai for mood and a micro dose of caffeine, lion's mane for alertness, cordyceps to help support physical performance, chaga and ricey to support your immune system, turmeric for soreness and cinnamon for antioxidants. Mud is 100% USDA organic non-GMO gluten free vegan whole 30 and kosher. Go to mudwater.com slash Tony. That's MUDWTR.com slash Tony to support the show and use the code Tony for $5 off today. One more time. That's MUDWTR.com slash Tony. Use the code Tony, get $5 off. Tell us what

you think. Hey, y'all, fans of the show over the age of 21 that are into Kratom. I want to tell you about Yo Kratom, the home of the $60 kilo. How much $60 for what? A full kilo of Kratom. If you're into Kratom, that's right. You're currently a fan of Kratom. You can be getting it from our newest sponsor Yo Kratom for just $60 a kilo. If you're not a fan of Kratom, well, then ignore this ad. The fact that Yo Kratom has high quality Kratom for just 60 bucks, a kilo has no relevance to your life. But if you are a fan of Kratom, then it's time to stop over paying or having to go to corner stores or gas stations to get it. One more time. Thank you to Yo Kratom for supporting the show. And if you are into Kratom, Yo Kratom is the one place where you

can find $60 kilos. These guys are one of the biggest Kratom wholesalers and they created Yo Kratom.com so that you can buy directly at incredible prices. Last time Yo Kratom.com, home of the $60 kilo. We're back everybody. Are you ready to start tonight's show? We got Don L. Rawlings. We got the band and I have a bucket filled with names. The band is black as shit. Yep. Yep. We upgrade it. We upgraded. Black bands matter. Yep. Bunch of people signed up for the show tonight. We have a couple surprises for you. And also Heather, can I get my drink by chance? Heather? Heather? Heather? I'm sorry. Was I rude? Who's Heather? Heather works for Team Chappelle. She works with our merchandise and she's our go-to

girl for everything. She's amazing from Yellow Springs, Ohio. Round of applause for Heather everybody. Round of applause. Wow. I love that. Well, on Yellow Springs time, she got you here 45 minutes early. So that's perfect. I love it. You guys know how it works. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted on this show and then talk with us afterwards. You know your time is up. You know your 60 seconds uninterrupted. Why are you making eye contact with me? For those of you that don't know Don L. famously while being one of the funniest and the best guests in the show's history, he's also the most interruptive. Yeah. I mean, I'm in the middle of a thing. You're ordering drinks from Heather. And he has the most knocks of his microphone

to the table. That's why he has a little bumper. That was racist. That was racist. That was racist. We had to put a protective phone on your microphone. The only black people do that. Look at how hard you have to do it. I'm sorry. You know your 60 seconds is up, performers. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means wrap it up then or I'll sure gonna bring out the angry fifth street bear. There it is. Yeah. You guys ready to start the show or what? Austin, Texas. This is the, what is this? The capital of rock and roll. You're gonna have to do fucking better than that. You guys ready to start this puppy pie? There we go. Absolutely. Now it can begin. Shout out to my guy, Yoni, best barbecue show. I just want to go, hey, for no

reason. Hey, and my guys from CM Smokehouse, you got to check it out. CM Smokehouse of Bolden, Acre. Hey, and check out the movie Soul from Pixar. I fucking love that movie, man. Oscar fucking nominated round of applause for that shit. And also Fix Vodka, the new official sponsor of the Kill Tony band. Fix Vodka is an alkaline infused vodka, which gives you less of a hangover. More satisfaction. The stuff's unbelievable. It's great, man. It's, it's like filtered like 12 times or something. Super filtered, less acidic than regular vodka. Try Fix Vodka. Company started by a woman. It's an incredible story and an incredible drink. And they're the new sponsor of the Kill Tony band. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds on this stage

in front of you could be a local legend, could be a first timer, probably nervous as hell. So make some noise for Jim Braglia, ladies and gentlemen. Jim Braglia. And like that, the show has begun. Episode 490 something from Austin, Texas. Here comes Jim Braglia to this stage. He's coming. There's a lady yelling from the back of the room. She's very excited for Jim. Okay. Here he is. Jim Braglia. One more time for Jim, everybody. How are y'all doing? So, uh, been dating in the time of Corona. This is a weird time for everybody 12 months in. There's like three categories, right? You're either our love can conquer everything, or I can't stand this motherfucker for one more minute. I gotta sign the papers. We gotta get the

fuck out. Or I'm lonely and I'm ready to crush all that ass. So, uh, you know, being an Austinite, and this is my first time on this stage, so it's a beautiful stage. Um, you know, I got early on in 2020, I got on hinge and I'm like, okay, this is gonna be my year, my year, man, two months before lockdown. And I'm out there dating people every month, about every month I'm meeting somebody new. The divorcee who's like, oh, you remind me of your ex-husband. I'm like, no, that's no good. That's no good. You know, the crazy girl who's like, um, you know, you're cool, but uh, I don't think I can come by and go, what do you mean? You can't just come by and hang out in the patio? She's like, well, how do I know that you're not a, uh, a serial killer? I go, what do you mean a

serial killer? I'm like, I'm just a guy that wants to meet a girl. She goes, and I go, so I go back, I go, hey look, you probably shouldn't be dating strangers, uh, dating app, you know, um, it's probably not going to work out too well. So, uh, she didn't reply back and I said, uh, go. There it is. Jim Bragglia going a minute, 17 seconds with that dragger of a story. I hope that, I hope that wasn't how the date went. Grab the mic. What's, what's the big landing? What do you mean? What is it? What do you mean, land it? Yeah. You could have done anything. Where are you flying from? Uh, you crashed it, bro. Right into the cliff. Uh, yeah, man, it was really like murder city. It was like, okay, how do I know you're not an axe murderer? Are you still doing

the same, Joe? I, uh, I wrote it today and I was trying. Oh, we know you wrote it today, motherfucker. Yeah. No, no way did I think that I would be called up the first person. So I was like, well, how could you have possibly have known? You know how the show works. It's a bucket. That would have been crazy if I'm like, for the first time in the show's history, I will warn everyone who's coming up in a minute. Yeah, this guy. Jim Bragglia starts your preparations, finish writing your extra long joke. Today is the day where we forewarn people. Welcome to the show, Jim. That's the same voice dip, uh, white people using contracts. Hear it, therefore known as if that's what they was like, I'll sign right here. Thank you for

choosing Verizon. So Jim, uh, is this your first time doing stand up? You said it's your first time on this stage, which is an odd thing to say because how could you have been here doing anything else? Yeah, I mean, I've been in, where they're all sitting many times hearing music here. Um, I've been here for about, it'll be nine years in April, um, but originally from Chicago. So I was a musician for a few years and did, uh, second city improv for a year. Okay. Second city. You know who Michael Lehrer is? I don't know. Oh, he was probably the guy that taught your teacher's teacher. Very, very incredible, uh, stand up comedian who closes out the shows here, turned to stand up comedians. Turn to stand up. I could hear him yelling in the back. That's a crippled nigger, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it is. That is the crippled gentleman. Um, I've caught, I've caught a set, I've caught a set a few times. He's great. He was great. Okay. I didn't mean to say it like that, but I meant to say it like that. No, because he's funny. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, you're good. You're doing good. Don, you don't have to apologize. Okay. Uh, so what type of music did you play band? Uh, it was post punk, you know, post punk. Yeah. What's that mean exactly? Uh, you know, it's a woman to give you a couple of bands example, like, uh, bill the fucking question. Here's the goddamn question. Yeah, it's like alternative rock. It's alternative rock. Okay. Were you a singer? What did you play in the band? Yeah, I wrote the lyrics and saying,

yeah. Can you, can you give us an example of, uh, one of your songs that you sang? Just do it acapella. Holy shit. Yeah. Just jump right into it. We just got a, I've never heard of acapella for punk rocks. Yeah. You've heard it all before. Here it is again, some post punk acapella ladies and gentlemen, what everybody wants. Let me think. Come on man. You were the lead singer. It's gonna be all right. It's almost over now. Wow. Oh my God. I thought that would be, I thought that would be fitting, a fitting line, you know, since I got the bear and all sound is people shooting themselves. D madness. D madness just said his eyes are bleeding. Ladies and gentlemen, you made a blind man's eyes bleed. The, the sound was so bad. Couldn't cut it as a bloke.

Blind man. What is that song? Nickelback. Couldn't cut it as a blind man stealing. This is how you remind me. This is how you remind me of what I don't know the words. Wow. Now that you sang, now that you sang Nickelback, I feel like I have to sing Coolio or something like that. I don't know. Something I don't know the words to. Okay. Wow. Do I get to talk? Yeah. Go right ahead. Absolutely. No, because you got me stressed out son. Your whole fucking shit changed since you came to Austin son. You don't even use to laugh at my jokes like ha ha ha. Now you got this arrogant ass, arrogant laugh. You laugh like this. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. You know how the black man feels with a white man left like uh, uh, uh, uh.

It's like you just so entertaining, Dono. Not quite the snap you had back in Los Angeles, but so Tony, is there a point in the show where I get to either critique or comment? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, it can go. It can be at any point. You could do it right now. Now, Nickel. Okay. The one thing that I told you the first time I ever did your show that I appreciate the most is giving people opportunity that at least at one point in life, they said I wanted to try it for the first time. People that come on the stage don't necessarily come up here like I'm going to make a career of it. It's they come up here because it's like my uncle told me what's funny. My daughter told me I was funny like, fuck it. Why not give it a shot? So as critical as I

could be or people think I am, I respect anybody that has enough balls to come up here and touch the stage. So round of applause for you. Thanks. I appreciate that. Thanks. It has nothing to do with your jokes because your jokes suck dick. Yeah. Anyway, no, no, but that's what I'm what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say, that's not an important part. The important part is to give a shot for first time. I'm going to give a really quick story. I was here three weeks ago. I'm working with Dave Chappelle. I hung out with Mike Judge, right? Everybody knows who Mike Judge is, right? And as accomplished as Mike Judge is as an animator or writer, as a voice guy, we had a conversation come to find out what a lot of people don't know is that

he wanted to do stand up. Never had enough balls to do it, right? He's a multi-millionaire and shit. But he was like, you know, I was like, we should do the unmasked comedian. People that wanted to do it and just tried it. And a motherfucking multi-millionaire that get the fuck off my phone. You're playing music on your phone on a podcast on L. You're interrupting yourself while you're talking or getting copyrighted. You don't give a fuck about that. You just don't want that copyright infringement. That's it. You're out here breaking the whole podcast off. The point I'm making is that some of the people that come on the stage. Did you just karate chop my arm, by the way? I did, son. I just nigga chopped you. The point I'm making is you can't lose. You know what I'm saying?

The joke structure when you perform as a person that doesn't have a lot of stage time. You know what I'm saying? But if it's something... Are you disrespecting me, son? No, we're making a production adjustments here. Okay. The point I'm making is that... We're listening, Don. We're listening. The black people laughing. I'm done. The point I'm making was that anybody that hits this stage as a person has a potential to do something or at least they challenge your fear. So the jokes wasn't really there. And it's kind of hard to evaluate a set when the comedian does not connect with the audience. Right. Only thing I know in your heart, there's jokes there, but the thing that people miss, the first thing

you have to do is to stand up. You have to connect with the audience. I know you only got a minute, so maybe think about how... What the fuck can I do to connect with this audience instantly? And then once you get that, the jokes are going to flow. Thank you. I appreciate it. That's definitely the thing. I was like 60 seconds. Absolutely. 60 seconds. Gotta do shorter jokes. So let's find out more about you about things that you can talk about. What do you do for work, Jim? I work in advertising about creative producer. Okay. You can't talk about that. What do you do for fun? A lot of live music that is not happening right now. You just go to live music? Yeah. I go to listen to live music now. You don't play anymore? I do not, no. Right. No, we heard your voice. That makes

sense. Okay. And what's the best one of these dates has gone on? You're still single? You're still using these sites? Yeah, not really. More organic, man. Maybe. Not really into the site stuff. You're not into what? Not into the site stuff. More organic. Meeting people where you're at and what you're doing. I mean, that's how you find your tribe and your people. When's the last time you got laid? A couple months ago. A couple months ago. And you met that person just out and about? Yeah, no, through that. So it does work. I mean, I'll say it doesn't work. You guys hear that doofy laugh at his? Can you do that again? That was incredible. Yeah, you'll probably hear me out there plenty. Yeah. It's kind of goofy. That's your real laugh, huh? You're adorable.

All right, man. I love it. What was the end of your joke? Did we ever get to the end? No. Was there a payoff at the end? No. No, it was the payoff. I did that whole eulogy to a comedian's career. I had a few bits and pieces and I tried to write it really quickly and I was like, I'll put my name on there. I'll try it, but it wasn't flushed out. But you didn't have a joke. You just had the story leading up to nothing? When did you decide that you were going to sign up? Why are the white people meaner to the white man than I was? That's just what we do. We're actually nicer to the black people. 9.30 am this morning. 9.30 am, you decided that you're going to sign up for the show? Yeah. But you already had tickets. You were

coming, right? Yeah, friend, we got the table. What made you decide at 9.30 am this morning? What happened? Did you have a dream or you did a set and it went well or something? There's been a couple of years where I've wanted to start writing and working on some stuff and practice it. And after the years and years of not writing, you decided to do it today and to write the joke today and to sign up immediately today. Yeah. If I had, I didn't realize it was 60 seconds, so that's my fault. That's my fault. That laugh is your fucking Gallagher's watermelon right there, brother. I'm telling you right now, that's your trademark. Take a week or two right again. Come up and try it again. You smashed it all these years of listening to the show. You knew it was

60 seconds, by the way. You could say you didn't know, but you knew. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't real until I signed my name on that sheet and you said my name. That's right. That's when it became real. It gets real real fast. Yeah, absolutely, Jim. You big goofy motherfucker, you. Thanks. I had fun with you, though. There he goes, Jim Braggley, a Getting Tonight Show starter. We're going to keep it moving. Yeah. Here comes Zach Bogus to switch the mic out. Look at this guy. Look at this fucking. Nothing better than a wet rag. Proof, no one catches coronavirus to kill Tony. The most sanitary podcast. But he wiped the mic down with a pair of underwear. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of David Flores. Here we go, David

Flores. Oh, we know David. Here we go. He's been really lucky lately. Yeah, he has. This guy sniffed a woman's feet last week. Feel like I just wanted to a Home Depot parking lot. Here he is. David Flores, everybody. That was racist. Hold on. This is 60 seconds. One more time for David Flores, everyone. What's popping, everybody? I've been jerking it to a lot of cuckold porn lately. Anybody here down with cuckolding? You know, the word cuckold actually comes from Shakespeare. I'm sure there's a lot of girls out here shaking three or four spears tonight. Man, I'd love to be cuck, man, for real. Like, the only thing is you got to find a girl first,

and shit. All my homies have been telling me, man, when you're going to get a girl, dawg, and see if we can fuck the shit out of her. I'm like, damn, I don't know about them. It's just like me and all my homies gangbanging a sex doll and shit, so. But yeah, that's actually all I have. Wow, David Flores, look at this. This is the guy that has been on the show, what, three times. First one was barely okay. Second one was good, and I would say, Ben, should I say this one was great for what's going on here. Thanks, dawg. I appreciate that a lot. Massive, massive signs of growth. Very exciting to untangle yourself, because I can see the debacle that's about to happen here.

All right. Welcome, David. Incredible joke writing there, butthole, cuckold. You said all the magic words. My favorites. Red Band's Heart is a Rock right now, just listening to your set. But I'm excited to hear what Don L. Rawlings has to say. I want to say this. You had a short period of time, so short that you came up under your minute time, but what you did, and I talked about the guy earlier, is that for some reason, the audience connected to you instantly. They instantly liked something about you. I don't know if it was because they thought you was an immigrant worker, but it was something that they connected with, and in a short period of time, you established timing. That's the number

one thing a comedian has to understand is timing. You did two, maybe three max jokes, but even when you got your laugh, you didn't get excited to the point where you rushed to the next joke. You was like, let me sit in this motherfucking joke, get the laugh. Something as simple as saying, my homie said, we're going to get a girl so we could fuck her. That's like a joke that anybody could make work, but for some reason, they connected to your personality and everything, and it worked out. This is my first time seeing you. Tony just said you've been here two or three times, and you just started, right? When did your career start in stand-up comedy? The Monday before last was my first time. Can I ask you one question? You've been up three

Mondays in a row. Incredible. Can I ask one question? This is a very important question. What made you want to do stand-up comedy? I've always been, I make films and stuff. I make comedy, I guess, myself. I've been watching. I've been a fan of comedy my whole life. I've been watching podcasts and stuff for years, and I always felt like I wanted to get unkilled, Tony, like after I graduated. Man, fuck this show, nigga, tell you. No, I'm just joking. It was over there in California, you know, so I wanted to move over there, and I thought, man, it's crazy that it moved here, and I was like, couldn't have been any better. Heck yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you, me, I came from a fucking grimy part of comedy. I used to do all black clubs, and then when you do these clubs

and shit, you see a million comedians going on, but for some reason you connected one person, you like their personality, you can see the honesty in their eyes. Like, you could tell, like, you didn't do it like, oh, they called my name. You did it like, I fucking want to do this, and I want to get better, and so I respect that. And it is true, we came to you. You didn't even have to move to California, even though you seemed like the kind of guy that would love to cross borders to do work. You even bought a Los Angeles, California shirt. Look at that. That's the first thing you do when you move to LA. Yeah. You would have walked in there absolutely prepared, because we all have those Los Angeles, California shirts. That's the whole style there. Do you

have Austin, Texas shirts as well? No, I don't have. Do you have any Mexico gear? You have any head show in Mexico? Soccer. Any of the H air? Nope. No. Now, last week, we found out that David Flores actually has a fetish where he loves if women have smelly feet, and I asked if there was a woman out there that wanted to have her feet sniffed, and like a, what's it called? A sommelier? Sommelier. Sommelier? Yeah. Why are you looking at me like I'm helping you pronounce Sommelier? I look at a red band. I'm surprised that you actually knew it. You can tell he's a feet guy. You should find a girl there that's crazy. She wants to cuddle me. Wait, what? You should see if there's a girl there that wants to cuddle me. Now, what would that mean if the girl

I know what cuckoo is. I know that. You do? What is it? Cuckoo. Like when I, how do you say it? Cuckoo. My mouth is dry. This is what I know about. This is what I know about cuckoos. Cuckoos. It's a porno shit, right? Yeah. It's usually actually a white dude, right? Has a white wife or whatever, and it's her birthday or Valentine's Day. Yeah. Yeah. And she asks, no way. She don't ask shit. He rewards her with black cock that day. Yeah. But like, I've heard about this, like, like some dudes into it, like they want to abuse. They want to abuse. They want to hear like, you got a little dick. You got a little dick. You got a little dick. Whoa, that's a big

ass dick right there. Yeah. A lot of people in the silence, a lot of people don't know what a real cuckoo is. Yeah. And the white guy usually hides behind the curtain. Yeah, he hides behind the curtain. Yes. And then they, yo, them cuckoo motherfuckers, they videotape, they got fucking, they got like Polaroids, they got, you see flashes, shit going on. It's like this. Yeah, fuck her harder, fuck her harder, eat, eat, eat. Put a fuck in her mouth. One day, hopefully with all this equality stuff happening, there'll be a white guy that comes in and cuckolds a black ice girl. That's racist. It is? What if, what if she like- That's when cuckold dies. What if it's not Valentine's Day? What if like the girl misbehaves?

That does not make, because I know black bitches like you, so shut the fuck up. You was on black bitches hardest shit. You want me to tell you the year? Yo, you had swag like, okay, shakina. You know, but no, that's not fair. That's not cuckoo. Cuckoo is dead. That's a joke. Is this something you'd really do though? Would you have sex with a, with a guy's lady? You know, that's weird though, because, oh, would I be the dude? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I have a feeling you would. Yeah. Yo, okay, never mind. Yeah, well, you don't have to ask if you can talk. You don't,

do you do this on Rogan's podcast? Yeah, he does actually. Joe, can I respond? I had a cuckold experience years ago. What? Yes, I had a cuckold experience, right? I had been drinking, it was a Nashville. What the fuck? Do what you do. And this chick wanted to do a lot of shit to me, but I was like, what's popping? Because I'm, I'm not new, I'm new to this. I'm like, what's popping? She was like, I don't have clearance. From her boyfriend. Yes, right. But I felt like a military operation. Because she said, I don't have, she said, she said, I don't have clearance. I was like, who do you get clearance from? I want to go talk to him. And I told him, I was like,

do you have a problem with it? And he said, clearance. Wow. Yeah, he yelled it out and I had clearance. Maybe he just thought your name was Clarence. Paul Fiction. The Supreme Court Justice, perhaps. Tony, I did not fly. For this. He did fly in from LA for this. I flew in here for clearance. Yeah. So did you end up, you ended up hooking up with? I took her down, son. Wow. Look at that. Down. I love it. Like, I took her down. Wow. It was a good day. Where was he during that? He was over there. Keep yelling clearance. He just kept yelling. How he's watching you? This is the first time I've ever told a story.

Yo, what the fuck? What am I going to do? Is he jerking off while he's watching your ass? I don't go on to them. You didn't look over at him while he's yelling clearance. All I know I was just, I was just tearing it down. Wow. Wow. You know that type of, I don't know if anybody ever experienced this type of tearing it down. You ever tear down so hard, you say to yourself, and he back in mind, like, is anybody filming this right? He could have been. You didn't even turn around and look at him. He's probably jerking off with one hand and filming with the other. You are revisiting the jerk off. Because you know that's why he wants you to do it. I'm not making eye contact with him.

You look back at him and was like, like this. Son. Oh shit. You're about to get crotty chopped. David, anything else crazy? You just want to dismiss this cuckoo conversation. Well, I mean, we could move on at some point. I don't know. Let's go. All right, move on, clearance. No, man. I'm just been trying to write a new minute, like, you know, trying to sign up every Monday. You did it. What did you say about buttholes before you got into cuckolding? You said you just grazed over a butthole. No, I didn't say, I said cuckold. I think I just, my mouth is dry as fuck, dog. Like, I don't know.

It was so dry that the word that you literally said was butthole. Do you know that? Maybe. You said I've been getting into buttholes, cuckolds. Is he adrenaline? I'm like, well, graze. He just really went segwayed from that butthole thing really quickly. I think you're remembering my last perhaps abandoned shit, I should say. David Flores, you've gotten up three weeks in a row. It's incredible luck, proof that the bucket is real, and you've shown growth in each set. Very fun, man. Congratulations, David Flores, everybody. That's what that's what it looks like. And that's how you do it. Destiny, man. People think the bucket of destiny.

What? Not enough people think the bucket of destiny. There you go. He thanked the bucket. Thank you guys. There he goes. David Flores. He's on social media. I don't know what the fuck that says. Davecito 444. There you go. Dave Cido, S-I-D-O. And then three fours. 4444. Your next comedian goes by the name of Cooper Patterson. Cooper Patterson is next. What you won't do. You do for love. I'm doing my vibe on it, son. Let me rock with it. It sounds like that to me. Is that Nickelback you're singing? That was Nickelblack. Oh, hell yeah. Here he comes. Cooper Patterson,

everybody. Put your hands together for him. That sounds like it, though, son. Here it is. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Cooper Patterson. Here we go. Cooper is the whitest name. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Wait, this is the part. Remember the part one part? I gotta shut up. Remember the one rule? One minute. You could have. It's a 60 second. Okay. All right. I know that. Okay. All right. Stop it. Yeah. Hold on. Face the other way. Face the other way. Okay. First off, it's a minute when they first start their first joke. Is that fair enough? No, no, it's not. When I say their name for the last time, we did this show 496 times before you got here,

Donnell. Son, I didn't know it would get that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's not a race to talk before they do. All right. I'm sorry. And you was like, you just fucking, you was mad. He's like, no, Donnell, you know the fucking rules. Well, no, it's just one minute. Famously. You've been on the show three times, Donnell. I know. But what I'm saying, I thought it started when they be like this. No, they don't do that. You're the only one that knocks the microphone into that. I know. There we go again. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupt. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. And then Donnell's going to talk in 60 seconds.

Heather, can I get some tape to tape my mouth up, please? Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Cooper Patterson, everybody. Come on. All right. My mom gave birth to me because that's what moms do. And so here's a song about moms giving birth. Get that fucking puppy out of me. Ah, my vagina. The baby's coming out of my fucking vagina. Fuck you, Carl. You said you were going to pull out your fucking piece of shit. I fucking hate you. I want to cut the fucking dick off. Motherfucker, that fucking did it.

Give me the epidural. Ladies, am I right? Ah, this baby better be a doctor or a lawyer, not some fucking bullshit comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, Cooper Patterson. That was incredible. Great job. Normally. Normally, you're the first person with a ukulele to ever do good on the show. Incredible. Shockingly good, Cooper. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing comedy? Almost three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin? Actually, I drove all the way here from Deveta, Iowa. Deveta, Iowa? Yeah.

Okay, that's what that accent is. I thought it was a learning disability, but it must just be Deveta, Iowa. Is the hearing loss. Oh, you have hearing loss? Yeah. My goodness, a musician and a comedian with hearing loss. That's absolutely incredible. So according to you, Don L hasn't interrupted the show once tonight. You haven't heard him interrupt. D-Mandis hasn't seen him interrupt. This all makes sense. It's incredible. How long have you been playing the ukulele? About six years.

Six years? Yeah. What made you start doing that? I thought that was the way to get girls. Okay. Yeah, I would know ukulele more. Did it work for you? It made me look interesting, but not willing to go all the way. My goodness. So you don't have a girlfriend? No.

No. Do you ever let girls play your ukulele? If they want to. Do their husbands ever give you clearance? It's called a callback. Fuck this audience. After a show on time, I went to a house party and there was a girl who was like, I saw her like before the party and she was snorting cocaine, like three lines at one sitting. Turned out for what?

And then she came up to me and was like, do you know how to play can't help but falling in love with you by Elvis Presley? And I played it for her and then she was going to do the sex. But then she found out I was 24 and she said you and walked away to me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She was going to do the sex. Yeah. How old was she?

She in her 30s. She didn't want to fuck a guy because he was 24. Yeah. He sounds like you got to have criminal charges before. Do the sex. That sounds like some court documentary. Hell yeah. Here we're going to have sexual intercourse.

No connection. Have you always had a hearing issue? Yeah, I was born with it. Yeah, for both years. Okay. What? I see why you wrote that song. Your mom must have been yelling extremely loudly.

Lose your hearing at such a young age. I wouldn't know. Just like if they ever get mad at me, I should take out my hearing aids and... Oh, you got hearing aids. Oh, okay. You have hearing aids. Oh, yo, I know this is so fucked up. I just realized he really got hearing aids.

Yeah. It's true. I heard the technology for hearing aids is pretty bad ass nowadays. Like it's actually you have like Siri and shit in there and... Yeah, I got a hybrid cochlear implant. So I had the surgery and they have Bluetooth. So I play music all the time. That's so good.

Wow. That's so cool. I went hearing it so bad. You got motherfucking Dr. Dre beats in your ear again. He's a human beat. I like to play them when I go to Christmas Mass because my grandma is still alive. And I actually do play Dr. Dre while I'm at the Christmas Mass.

Wow. So you can take a minute to understand what just happened? Yeah. I made a Dr. Dre joke and it was part of his fucking life and you walked past it and skipped over it like it didn't fucking happen. No. I mean, I loved it. I'm just letting it all play out here.

I don't really believe him. Seems more of like a nirvana kind of guy to me. Yo! Okay, just joking. Like can you do like some of the lyrics from Dr. Dre that you know right now since you listen to him so often at church? Or am I going to be proven right that you're just trying to look cool in front of Donnell? A little bit of both right there.

Give us all your Dr. Dre lyrics that you've memorized from all your years of listening to him. Just any lyrical do. Smoke weed every day. Wow, there you go. I mean, you really proved me wrong there. I'm pretty sure the fucking Karen's in the room would know the answer to that one. No disrespect to the Karen's. So Cooper, what do you do for work?

I'm in school right now for video production. And right now I'm a cashier at Walmart. Oh, sorry? Yeah. It's adorable. What's the grossest thing you've seen at Walmart? Like a girl with her tit hanging out or what's going on? Black Friday.

I mean, it's Iowa, so I just see a lot of gross people all day. Right, yeah, for sure. Wow. And you're a cashier there, even though you sound like a greeter. What do you like to do for fun when you're not playing your ukulele or doing stand-up? I guess. I watch TV, I read, I go hiking. You watch TV?

Yeah, like with the soap and water? You watch it? Oh, did I say wash my bed? You like to watch TV? What else do you do? I don't know what to say right now. You're fun, man. You're killing it.

We're having fun. This is great. Yeah, no, I just, yeah, just watch TV, play video games. Oh, I love it. What kind of video games do you like to play? Just finish the Spider-Man game, the Miles Morales video game and everything. I don't, I'm maddened. All right.

Starting to find out why women in their 30s don't want to fuck you? Yeah. Hey, sweetheart, you ever play the Spider-Man game? Miles Morales. You want to go to my place? Wash some TV. Oh, I love it, Cooper. Fucking awesome, man.

You perform without your ukulele sometimes, like if you were going to do a longer set, you just do a couple songs and you mix it up. Yeah, yeah, I try. That's awesome, man. I'd love to see more of you. I hope you come back, sign up again, and we can talk more about your life again.

Maybe we can wash TV together. Yeah, let's do it, buddy. I don't care how old you are. I'll wash TV with you any time. That's Cooper Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Def Comedy Jam with Cooper Patterson. He's on Instagram at Cooper the Pooper 96. That is cool, though, that hearing aids are so advanced now.

You know, it's kind of having cool. Heck, yeah. Cooper thinks this is the music of Eric Clapton. That's how often he listens to Dr. Dre. He thought that was the right answer. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comic is Patrick Dupari. Patrick Dupari.

Here we go. It's all happening. You guys having fun out there? How many of you out there love H-E-B? How many of you love Matt's L Rancho? How many of you love Terry Blacks? We're losing them quick. Where's my Bucky's people at?

I think H-E-B wins. Where's my H-E-B people? I've been all the way. Here he is, Patrick Dupari, everyone. Thank you. I was just watching TV before I got here, and this Bosley commercial came on. Bosley's like a hair growth product.

But the commercial attacked my father. It was like, you don't want to look like your dad when you're older. Do you want your dad's shitty airline? Do you think your dad's pulling chicks with that hair? No fucking way. Sorry, I'm out of breath. But that's an interesting business tactic,

you know, to attack someone you love to get you to buy their product. They don't do that with anything else. Like Vagercel, you don't want your grandmother's stinky pussy, do you? Speaking of stinky pussies, I got this girlfriend that I love. Don't get me wrong, it's a great relationship.

I know it's a great relationship because just the other day she found my dildo and she didn't judge me at all for it. She actually thought it was pretty cool. Then a few hours later, I told her I was a wrestling fan. She said, oh, what a faggot. So, yeah, I am a little gay.

I remember the exact moment I realized that and boy was my face white with cum. Yeah. But I do have a girlfriend. The first time we had sex, she whispered to me and she said, I have an IUD. I said, that's fine.

They say that's equal to a high school diploma nowadays anyway. All right, thank you. Fuck yeah, Patrick DiPari. Coming in, quick firing combinations. Left, left, right. So let's talk about it. You basically, again, you guys are sometimes,

you guys just graze over a premise. You went right over Stinky Pussy just to get to your dildo. Yeah. Because you can't acknowledge Stinky Pussy if people had COVID because they can't smell it. Oh, interesting. All right, I need a more laughter than that.

How stinky is it on a scale from one to... Stinky? Yeah. Stank. Did you say stinky or sticky? Stinky. Stinky with an N in the middle. Stinky Pussy, yeah.

Can we get Cooper up here to translate for this guy? I can't quite... Do you ever think about washing her pussy? Okay. Stinky, it smells bad. It's an old girlfriend, yeah, but yeah. This isn't... It's an ex-girlfriend.

Oh, an ex-girlfriend is... My current girlfriend's pussy is very clean. Oh, okay. Trying to cover your tracks here. She's in the ladies' room douching herself right now. No. I love it. So did you really have a dildo?

You talked about it. It's not like I just gas like psychic powers. Like, I see a dildo in your dresser drawer. Like, you brought it up, bro. No, yeah. Usually people don't ask questions. Well, you're on a podcast where a person does a set and then I ask questions.

Yeah, I do. What do you do with this dildo? What does anyone do with a dildo, you know? Oh, so you have like a community dildo for any girl you sleep with or like a butt dildo for yourself? Bread Ban, what the fuck are you asking? There's a lot of sound effects that would work right now.

No, no, no. Like, I used to think, like, I used to laugh there. I used to have a dildo that I thought, like, anytime I hook up, I could pull out the dildo and fuck her with it. And I found out that's like girls think that's gross. No. Yeah.

See, that's what he's doing right there. That is gross. No one puts to use your dirty dildo. Right, but that's why he has a dildo. Yeah. Oh, that's what? No, it's not. He clearly said, what does anyone use a dildo for?

You skipped over it. Yeah, fucking girls have a dildo. If he has a community dildo. What are you, what are you, you're gliding this guy off the hook. This guy shoved shit up his ass and you just want to skip right over it. So you could talk about your disgusting community dildo.

That's why I asked him. Let's, by the way, for those of you with Kill Tony bingo cards, I'm pretty sure you just hit bingo galore. Oh, shit. Okay. So you would put the dildo in your butt. Am I correct?

It's happened. It's happened. See what I mean? They're not, God, what, you're gross. I'm sorry. So what is it like you would like, would you do this like, how do you even, how does a guy even do that?

You'd go like missionary position. Do you get on all fours and like, like do a hard reach around like I'm confused. How does that even, okay, Fred Ban. See, he's like, oh, I'm sorry. See, you could have hit that sound effect. Two minutes ago when you wanted to ask about the old CDs, community dildos.

Maybe a community dildo. All right. So how would you do it? I'm curious as to know what position a man is in. Is it like one of those suction cup ones? And you just go, you go literally balls to the walls. You sit on it. Yeah.

Is it? You're just saying, yeah, everything at this point. No, it is. It is. I did buy it for a woman and, you know, I was curious hanging around alone. We've all been there. Yeah, yeah.

No, we haven't. No, we haven't. All the black people are like, no, we ain't been in. No. I've been to the weed spot. I've been to the crack house, but I haven't been there. I've done some crazy jokes, but actually there. This is so great, by the way.

Patrick, thank you. Tony, he said it's so comfortable. Like, we've all been there. I know. Let me ask you this. I'm really excited about this question. So how long after you bought this dildo, and we weren't using it on women,

were you like, huh, maybe I should play a little bit? Because my guess is like 45 minutes after you got home. Red Band, that's two fart noises in one episode. Is everyone breaking the rules here tonight? Okay, come on. Tell us how long did that dildo survive? Son, you keep going to the dildo. Oh, I'm not done.

Then we got fucking dildo baggins up here. I'm going to ask all the questions. How often do you think we have guys that admit to having dildos on the show? Whatever you do, don't say, you know, we all been there. This is a fucking gold mine right now. Or a butt mine or something like that. I don't know.

Mine? So you bought the dildo. How big was it? Show us. You know, one of those like hot topic, small ones. Oh. It's a fair size. Like a pocket dildo?

A fair in one race. Is it like a rabbit or a horse? It's got like pineapples on it. It's a what is that? Is that what you ate for lunch that day? You know, the fucking shit about this, the fucking shit about this is that you won't let me interrupt in 60 seconds.

The fucked up shit about my dad's eight minutes of dildo shit. My dad's going to watch this. I gotta. Oh, it's too late now, bro. Your dad knows how it is. He knows how it is. Hell yeah. We've all been there.

Come on, dad. You remember preschool, dad? We've all been there. This could be like a teen wolf situation where you think you're the only one with a dildo. And it turns out you got old daddy dildo waiting for you at home. You probably has a whole fucking gun case of dildos that he hasn't shown you.

You get a dildo. You get a dildo. Everybody gets a dildo. I won't be clipping this one. This is. Dildo, dildo, dildo, dildo. I love it. Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, dildo, dildo.

Tickety, wiggy, wiggy. I love it. Okay. I always go wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy. I don't know about y'all, but I'm getting nice up here. Yeah, it is. It's the incredible people over at Fix Vodka. Tony's only been extra, extra professional and shit.

No, after this show, you could be like, Dono, you did great, but here's where we need to improve. I do. I draw little diagrams sometimes. So how far did you get in your ass with the dildo? Wow. That's that's just red band right there. I have no control.

This is not the breakfast club. I can tell you that. I'm not sure. You said you looked him in his eyes when you asked that. I want to know. Have you ever used one on yourself? What? I've never done.

I've done a little finger when I was in the shower. I was like, man, that's where the fuck am I? You've got where am I? This is not Brooklyn. I think everyone's tried it. Just be like, Hey, do I like this? No, that sucks. You know, I'm not in bedside right now.

That poor shower. I can't even imagine what it's all about. My goodness. Patrick, how long have you been with this girlfriend? Wow, you look so defeated right now. I can't believe you thought. I can't believe you thought you could say you have a dildo and that I was just going to pretend like I didn't hear anything.

Usually you just do it and you run off. If somebody asks you a question, you're like, no, not if it's real. Cooper Patterson was out on the sidewalk. He's like, did that motherfucker say he has a dildo? It's like, I'm turning this shit down. I'm out of here. Turned off his Bluetooth and ran for his life. It's like, I'm just going to walk out with a set of the night

and get the fuck out of here with my ukulele. I love it. So Patrick, did your girlfriend ever find it? Like, is that the new girlfriend? Yeah, that's a real, yeah. The girlfriend, another, I bought it for a girlfriend and then I had it and then the next girlfriend found it and was. So a community dildo is what you have.

Wow, look at that. Jesus Christ. Wow. Absolutely incredible. You're on the same sex level as Patrick. No, no, no. This was in college. I'm in a hoodie.

You're so foolish. No, it was. But I use it in like 10 girls. No one ever said anything. We've all seen your like podcast studio. You literally never throw anything away. There's no way you threw out very fine working. You're like, I'm going to keep this somewhere just in case.

I keep the Hitachi. If you want to watch it, it's Hitachi. So Patrick, this has been a very long interview. Hopefully your dildo isn't as long as this interview. But this was so much fun, man. You had a great set. You had an unbelievably intriguing interview. Great stuff, man.

Right, Donnell? Final thoughts? I don't have one. You seem upset about this. I think Donnell has a dildo. No, man, it's sex, son. You just like, we just talked up. Black men have a 10 dildo capacity and they're like,

I think I just shouldn't be here tonight. Yo, black men, we born homophobic, son. Yeah. It's not comfortable talking about dildos for 10 minutes. I agree. The funny thing about it, the excitement you had in your eyes. You like this. I've been waiting for the dildo opportunity.

I love this shit. No, I know you love it. So you were like this and then the dildo, what happened after that? You was like, it don't matter what he said, you had another dildo question. Okay, you answered that correctly. But then after that, what happened?

Like, I'm black, son. And I'm not saying like, we hear one dildo joke. We like, are we good, nigga? Yo, and then you was like this. Okay, and then what happened after that? Okay, then what happened after that? Did you feel any difference from that? You want to bypass this fucking punch bowl next week?

You want to bypass the punch bowl? I can have you do it in a minute for the rest of your life. Don L. Rawlings, ladies and gentlemen. And that is Patrick Dupari. There he goes. Follow him on social media. So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Come back, Patrick.

Come back, come back. So what happened when you did the sister joke? Clarence. Patrick Dupari, D-E-P-A-R-I. Follow him on social media. Come on, guys. Make some noise for Patrick. He just, he just gave us his whole soul up here tonight.

He's been on this show before, right? It's the man right here. Great mystical. This is my guy. There I go. Love me some good old mystical. It's the, it's the, it's the dildo right there. There you go.

Yeah, that's a great guy. The dildo right there. You know, we do have ladies and gentlemen, how many of you have been fans of the show for a long time, huh? Well, then you guys might know that across the world, one in England, one in Australia, and I do believe five or six here in the United States of America. If someone has such an unbelievably great set

and such an unbelievably great interview, it's possible to win a thing called a golden ticket, where you can perform on any Kiltonian, do a brand new minute, and of course the interview, any time for the rest of your life. These people usually used to go to Los Angeles. They would show up in LA at the comedy store to cash in, and we're about to, okay.

We have a guy right now, cashing in his golden ticket all the way from Iowa. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a big deal. Make some noise for Al O'Mean. Golden ticket winner. The other day, I witnessed some shit that made me flip my political views just right there on the spot. See, I had gone into the mall.

I usually try to avoid the mall at all costs, but where I live, the Chick-fil-A is in the mall, so I had to go inside because I had a craving for some holy fries. And when I was in there, I overheard a conversation between two guy dude bros, probably between the ages of 14 and 16. Here's the conversation I overheard. Possums are ugly as fuck, bro.

Facts. I just don't see how they'd be fucking each other. They probably got to get drunk first. On God, if I was a possum, I'd be trying to get that squirrel pussy. Same. And it was at that moment I became pro-global warming. Fuck it.

Turn this bitch in the water world, see if I care. Boom. Exactly a minute, a trademark of golden ticket winners, a great internal clock on this guy. Love it. Welcome, Al-O-Mean. When's the last time we saw you? Was it in Iowa or at the comedy store?

Yeah, it was in the morning. I didn't make it to the comedy store that shit, you know, the COVID happened. I had plans on being out there, though. I love it, but you made it all the way here to Austin. Do you fly? Fly, yeah, yeah. Why you ask the black man if he fly?

I don't know. Could have taken what, an underground railroad or something like that? Hey, that was two. Donnell didn't hear that one. I got away with that one. Two. You gotta do the drop. I love it, Al-O-Mean.

So, when did you get in? I got in today, actually. I had the fucking shit fucked up on my plane. Really? Spirit? You know it. It's just because they fuck up. It's not because he's black, Donnell.

No, no, you're not going to do that, sir. It was not spirit. Thank you, Donnell. You're not going to do that, sir. Thank you, Donnell. You're not going to do that, son. I could have asked if he flew jet black. I didn't.

I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't even know what that is. It was American. American.

Oh, OK. Americans break down every once in a while. It was a light bulb. You know they do. You're being mean right now. I am not. I am not. We know American Airlines well.

You travel just as much as I do. You know. Absolutely. So, Al, what happened to your plane? Do you know? It was a light bulb. A light bulb? Yeah, yep, yep.

A light bulb. It took them an hour and a half to get it fixed. Why are you looking at me like that? I just want to see how you answer this. A light bulb. OK. That's interesting. You're just watching me?

No, I just want to see how I see you. I just want to be like, oh, I got this nigga now. I'm going. I like your style, Al. So, welcome. What have you been up to in Iowa? Remind, what do you do for work again? I drive a truck.

Oh, OK. Is there anything wrong with driving a truck? Well, I mean, I bet he gets pulled over a lot even. Truck in Iowa, for Christ's sake. No, no, no, no, no. I work for a trucking company, so they got lawyers, so they don't fuck with them. Is there anything wrong with it?

They pull us over because they assume we don't got lawyers. I don't know what it is. I don't know if you got tested, nigga. No, I'm saying I'm with them, but I'm just saying. How do you know? That's one good. It typically checks up in here. That's one.

Oh, you're counting. You're counting. OK. What? You counting, too? Yeah. Nigga, I'm on your team, nigga. I know, man.

I love you, but I hate you because I'm a Wu Tang fan, so. I just, I was over there waiting. I was like, if he comes at me, I'm going to die already. Yo, get this fat, crispy cream. Let's go. Don't let him eat nigga, the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here with them corny ass jokes. Go back to Iowa, nigga.

Because you have no career. You're traveling for a minute, nigga. Look, I used to, I used to blame white people for this. You're traveling the whole minute. You know who I blame? Yo, how you going to do this to me, sir? A minute. A minute.

It's the same distance. How you going to turn on me? I'm not turning on you. I was just saying, oh, you weren't doing it. Fuck you, nigga. That's twice. That's twice you didn't do it. You like a hundred-point truck driver, right?

Somebody call the police. Call the police someone. I can't believe they're getting scared. Fuck the motherfucker right now. It's all of white people. Y'all do, y'all do get scared when you start going home. Yo, you already had a chance to tell them jokes. Niggas over.

Korea's dead. What is this? You, it's over for you. What is this? You guys, is Thanksgiving dinner or something? I don't know what's happening. This motherfucker got mom and dad G's on the same fucking stage. If you don't get the fuck out of here,

would you get those Jordans before or after Chappelle gave that chain? I would say this. Yes. I'm here for it, motherfucker. I'm here for it. I'm here for it. I'm here for it.

You would never, you know, the reason why you won't never get this chain is because I'm rich, bitch. I know it. I know it. That shit was jamming. I can't believe you. This was so fucked up.

I showed you love. Listen, because you, I said one, and then he instigated it. Blame him. Black on black crime. Black on black crime. Look at the white people looking at us. This is my least favorite Tyler Perry

production of all time. Everyone just breathed. Look at the white people looking like, see, all right, we're good for that motherfucking capital shit now. I can't believe you. My goodness. And I was to support you just on black,

not because he was funny, because I didn't hear none of that. Oh, come on. They did. That's all his daughter. His set, his set. We don't hear nobody shit. What you mean, oh, come on.

Because you always talking. Tony, don't hear nothing. Oh, come on. That shit was funny. They laughed. Possums are pretty ugly. Yeah. I got something funny.

You look like Idris Elba fucked the blowfish. I tried to warn you. That's funny too. That's too funny. You got your laughing right? Don't let him tell you what's funny. The fact that I even look like. A little loud ass, nigga.

The fact that I even look like. I know how it goes. The fact that I even look like Idris Elba is 5,000 faces from where you are right now. You look like whoever get the corona, you would die, nigga. No, I already had it. Survived it.

My nigga, don't trip. No, you didn't. I already had it. You're a bitch. I had it and survived it. You are, you are, you are a stripper. You are ventilator waiting to happen. No, you'd be surprised.

I actually know. Allo works out. No, that's diabetes for every number. Dunnell, he, I know for a fact. He got diabetes one through twenty. I wanted this so bad. Who the fuck asked that? How the fuck did he got diabetes thirty two?

How you got cracker beaties? Dunnell, Dunnell, I'm serious. I don't want to hear it. That's so fucking hurting me right now. I know for a fact this guy works out. He runs the Joules. This nigga shopped for tank tops and Victoria secret, nigga. I get my tank tops.

You got Spanx on right now. Casual male XL. You have titties. I know I do. You probably, you have titties. You probably want to suck him, you little. You breast, you breastfeed Charlamagne to God, nigga. If we was in jail, I'd have you sucking them, you little.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nigga. You little juvenile delinquent grown man. And the fact, and the fact. Look, look, look. He's the most successful crack baby. Squeeze your shit, son. I was over there thinking of jokes for this moment. You look like you had four kids, nigga.

I wish I had four kids. I would get 40 of those. We're each and every one of them. You look like you have four kids. Another joke. I just came up with that. You look like you have four kids. Let's go over here.

You look, no, don't do it, don't do me. I got to. You look like you have four kids. And you're expecting one, but you're about to have an abortion, nigga. That's what you look like. My goodness. I can't believe this.

You came in me. I was showing you love. I love you, but I hate you, man. Nah, nigga, you ain't got to hate me. Beat it. Because of the Rizza shit. I'm kind of mad about it. What is it?

I didn't ask you this. Well, Donnell famously corrupted on a podcast with the Rizza. All right, guess what I did. And you might not understand this. I talked to the Rizza. I, you know what? I would put it on this platform.

That day, I had fucking been on the road for two weeks. Hadn't seen my son in fucking two weeks. I was supposed to do Joe Rogan's podcast. Typical. I came at it. Let me tell you. Sorry, I had to. Because it's a comedy show.

I'll tell you the story. It's not comedy. It's what really happened. I know. So I did Joe Rogan's podcast. Yo, give me a chance. Play it. Play it.

Play it. I can work with anything. Play the sad music. That's the hope, right? Hold on. Let Donnell tell the story, everybody. Is that the hope? Play it.

Play it louder. This was a day where I had been on a road for three weeks. Hadn't seen my son. In two years. In two weeks. And Joe Rogan said, Donnell, are you going to do my podcast? I said, Joe, yes, I'll do your podcast. I did Joe Rogan's podcast.

Do my podcast. For two hours, I did his podcast. Two hours, can't shut up a shit. And Joe Rogan said, that's my podcast. You're ahead of yourself. Shut the fuck up. So after my podcast, Joe said, would you like to stay for the Rizzards podcast? I said, Joe, this is getting crazy.

And I said, Joe, I would love to stay for that. But I haven't seen my son in two weeks. And I'm going to see my son. And then I said, fuck the Rizzards. Listen to what I said. I said, fuck the Rizzards. Not fuck the Rizzards. I want to see my son more than I want to see.

Y'all can do all the sound effects, but it's still a true story. That was me. I want to sound effect. You can do all the jokes. Nick, I'm a real nigga. I'm going to explain this. And I said, nah, fuck that. I'm going home to see my son.

I was like, I'm going to see my son. He said, you sure? Going to see my son. So I'm leaving now to Joe's studio, which is like one of the best studios you've ever seen in life. Joe has got his dick sucked in a hyper-ponic chamber. With elk meat on his nuts at the same time. And I wanted to stay for the elk meat fantasy.

But I love my son more. So as I'm leaving Joe Ruskin's studio, and I'm not staying for RZA, the RZA pulls up. It gets out of his car and he says, what's up? Ashy Larry, you funny motherfucker. Stop it. I imagine the RZA pulls up in a rickshaw for some reason. I don't know.

See, this is why you're a hater, nigga. The reason why you're a hater, because I got this audience captivated, which you don't know how to do. They're afraid of you. They're not afraid of me. I'm a little motherfucker. You're not going to win.

Because the audience asks, they want to hear the real story. I'm telling it. And you're trying to sabotage it. That would be like me trying to block you at a buffet. It wouldn't work. Jokes, jokes are easy. Jokes are easy means the real story. And I said, and RZA said, what's up, Ashy Larry?

You funny motherfucker. I said, fuck my son. Wu Tang forever. And I went in there and I smoked some motherfucking weed. And the weed got me fucked up. And I was talking a lot. A whole lot. That's what niggas do.

And what you don't understand, where the fat nigga go. You don't listen. You don't understand real niggas. Everybody like, you was talking too much. I was like this. I came up in comedy in barbershops. I came in places where the only motherfucker to get to talk is the loudest motherfucker.

The motherfucker, they won't shut the fuck up. In a black barbershop, a stuttering nigga never is heard. Wait for that. Listen, I'm not a gimmick. I'm not a gimmick. And this is the point I'm making with you. I'm not a gimmick. You're a gimmick.

You will win because you're fat. You look hearty. When I see someone who's angry and they're fat like that, I'm like, maybe you need to go on a diet. You won't be so fucking angry. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe. Joe Rogan, everybody.

Sorry, Don. Now, keep going. I appreciate that, Joe. No, it doesn't matter. What I'm saying is, that's called production. I'm not a produced motherfucker. And whoever, they'll watch the Joe Rogan podcast and say he's the interrupter.

Suck my dick. I loved it, man. I was just joking. I want to talk to you, nigga. You can't even do it. No. If you went for the stage, you would never even be able to talk to me.

I know, of course. And I'm telling you, that's too late. You on that David's Lucas shit. You on that David Lucas shit. No, I wasn't trying to be us the thing. No, you didn't. It didn't work. It's backfire and fat, boy.

They're laughing, though. All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, he just said, you know, he just said the difference between me and him. Well, he just said they're laughing. There's a difference between a nigga laughing at you and laughing with you.

And you're satisfied with a nigga laughing at you. So never lose weight. They'll laugh at you forever. Okay. Point I'm trying to make. This is a true point I'm trying to make. You make no sense to me. This is the point I'm trying to make.

And I don't even know how I'm gonna get back into being funny again because niggas hit bloop bloop bloops and all that type of shit on me. That's probably just ruining my comedy courage, man. The reason why I know I'm a real motherfucker. Because I'm here tonight for real motherfucker. He tried to... I know what he wanted to do.

Oh, yeah. If I fucking roast Don L. No, man. It's too late. It's too late. I'm about to leave right now because... No, you're not. Come on, Don L.

No, I'm gonna leave. You made fun of his jeans. I did. Who wouldn't make fun of them jeans? I gave you two. I said two. And then he was like... No, that's what I'm just...

What I'm saying is like... I just... Here to have a good time. We're gonna go back... I know you are. We're gonna go back. We're gonna critique. We're gonna go back.

We're gonna critique the show. And we're gonna do this shit. But I'm here tonight for real motherfucker. And I'll just keep it like that. And I'll go back to being funny over here. Ladies and gentlemen, Don L. Rowlings. I love it. I love it.

I love it when it goes off the rails. Me too. That's what makes this show fun. Who cares what people in the YouTube comments say? They don't get to make decisions. Hey, Aloe. If you're in town Thursday, I'd like to invite you to Vulcan to open up the show.

I appreciate that. Yes, sir. Guys, you saw... That's a real Golden Ticket winner. One of only seven in the world. How about a big hand for Aloe Meen, huh? Guys, he flew all the way from Iowa for this. Make some noise for this guy.

People are afraid to make noise tonight. If you're gonna get the coronavirus, you already got it. No point in being quiet now. Sweet Caroline. Times never is so good. Hey, hey, hey. Your next comedian goes by the name of Noe Lopez.

Comes with Noe Lopez. He's so good. All right, is Noe coming? We got movement back there by Noe Lopez. Yep, here we go. Guys, how about a big hand for Don L. Rowling? This is here tonight, everybody. We're doing it.

You still selling those candles? You still selling the candles? All right. Yeah, he's got... I have the candles. They are unbelievable. Holy shit, this is really happening. All right, let's get right into it.

Buy a show of hands, guys. How many have you got? You're ass eating. This is either a really dishonest or shy crowd. I've never had it done, but a lot of my friends have. And I'm gonna be honest, man, I've never felt more lift out. Yeah. But they always say it's the shit,

and I've never desired to have it done, but I'm not gonna lie, man. I might fold under peer pressure. I'm single, by the way, so... So my kid got caught watching porn. It's not he. Young. And yeah, man, it's kind of uncomfortable,

and I didn't know how to approach it, but to be... Probably could have been avoided if I looked over my shoulder a little more often. All right, Noe Lopez. Hell yeah. Really bringing us, I guess it's Peaks and Valleys here today. Peaks and Valleys. Peaks and Valleys.

Welcome, Noe Lopez. Donnell had the urge to use the restroom when you hit the stage, so I don't know if that's a good sign of your electrical energy. Did you conduct a train to get here today? You are an adorable looking... You look like an action figure or something. I can't figure out what's going on here.

Is that a fooboo? No, it's boo-foo. Good question. Noe, have you done stand-up comedy before? This is my first time. This is first time, everybody. There's the sheep of the first time. I love it.

What do you do for work, Noe? I work in a warehouse, man. Nothing exciting or special. Yeah. And how long have you wanted to do stand-up for? A long time, but I just didn't have the balls to do it. How long did you prepare for this set tonight? Shit, probably a week or two.

Honestly, yeah. Okay. All right. Did your kid really catch you watching porn? No, I'm going to be honest. That didn't happen. I'm pretty fucked up. Is that really fantasized about that or something?

No, it was my kid brother. Yeah, it was my kid. How many kids do you have? I got one. How old is the kid? Nine now. Wow. Okay.

You still with the baby mama? No. I said I was single. I thought you were made of connection, but... You was very hard to listen to. I was trying to also keep an eye on whether the guest was using the restroom or leaving the show at the same time. I think there's a slight chance Donnell may have left.

Yeah. I was really confused about the whole thing because I didn't know anything about that. I think we'll give an analysis of what happened on another episode, perhaps read bad before we make it worse. I love it. Now with the mother no more now. Yeah. So now you're single.

How long have you been separated from the baby mama? Shit, it's been years. Like, uh, I mean... Six? Seven years? Six years. Okay. It's been a long time.

Do you have the baby or does she have the baby? Are you visitation? Like, what's the deal? No, she has the baby, man. We get along. She's cool, you know. Like, she just lets me take her whenever I want and so on and so forth. She's easygoing.

Okay. She's annoying. Easygoing. She's a what? She's kind of fucking annoying, yeah. Easygoing. Easygoing. Gotcha.

Okay, that's cool. She's so easygoing. Why'd you guys, uh, break up? Uh, we're young and I'll be honest, I'm fucking intolerable. You're intolerable? Yeah, I'll be honest. What's intolerable about you? Where do I start?

No, man, honestly, it's just, I'm fucking selfish. Like, in what ways? Can you give us some examples of times in which you were selfish with her? Oh, shit. Fuck. Um, by just going out, my friends are getting drunk, you know, generic kind of shit. You seem very intense and you have a lot of stress. Do you have a lot of-

I'm fucking anxious as shit up here. Yeah. Yeah. Are you always like that? For the most part. You have road rage? Probably, yeah. Probably, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, you do definitely is probably the answer, huh? Yeah, definitely. Okay. What are some other times that you've gotten angry? You ever get kicked out of a place or arrested? Yeah, I got a felony. Can you give us some examples of that, perhaps?

No way. Have you ever listened to a comedy show before? I know you haven't performed on one, but perhaps you could give me anything in the world to work with right now. Yeah, I watch your show pretty often, man. Oh, shit. Um, yeah, I actually got a felony, man, for a criminal murder. Did somebody actually call the police on Don Ellen Allo?

Because they just pulled that up. Ha, ha, fuck. So what was your answer? Yeah, I actually got a felony, man. What's a felony? Criminal mischief. What's criminal mischief? It's pretty much fucking up somebody's property.

Okay. I kicked the headlight, man. Yeah, I know, dude. It's fucking... What'd you do to somebody's property? Somebody was at my house and I kicked the fucking headlight on their truck. Oh, I swear to God. What made you do...

No, I believe you. What made you do that? Um, an argument, and I was like, get the fuck out of here and these stalling, and then I just kind of like roundhouse the fucking headlight. Was it a buddy of yours? A girl? It was an ex-girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend. That makes you sound crazy, fuck. I shouldn't say that out. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's good. What makes you sound crazy is when you don't answer the questions that I'm asking you when you avoid them tremendously. So, wow, you kicked in her headlight

and she called the police. And did they take you to jail for that, for kicking a headlight on your own property? It doesn't seem like that's a jail offense, you know? Dude, you'd be surprised, man. I was surprised. I was like, what the fuck? They showed up in my door with the warrant.

Wow. Yeah, they were like... They actually came into my bedroom. I'm laying in bed and they're like... Wait, they came into your bedroom? Yeah, cops. They broke... They came into your house.

They got a search warrant into your house. They didn't knock? For a headlight. Yeah, for a headlight. No bullshit. Someone let them into your house? Yeah. The nine-year-old?

No, man. I was living with my parents at the time, and that was my sister, yeah. Okay, have you ever cut people up and put them into a suitcase and like... Do you think we're the police right now? And that you might be tried again for this crime? Noe, this interview's going nowhere.

We're going to have you sign up again sometime, Noe. Come back again, will you? Cool. Oh, now you seem really angry. You're not even moving right now. No, no, I'm fine. Oh my goodness. There he goes.

Noe Lopez, everyone. Boy. What a change in energy in the show in the last six and a half minutes, everybody. I mean, I think we all feel it. God damn it. It's incredible. Did we lose?

Thank you, sir. Stop yelling things. Did we lose? You're literally the worst. So if you're wondering who the worst is out of the whole night, it's you. So if you're like, oh, I wonder, like, did Al make it weird to Donnell?

Was it Noe Lopez? It's you. You're the worst. People without the balls to sign up, but think they can sit in the darkest corner and yell things. I can tell your fat by how your voice sounds, by the way. I know you're in the pitch black dark

and that you blew out the candle on your table so that I can't see your fat. You probably have a weird ponytail of fun thing. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, another name. It's Tim Warner. Let's see what happens here with Tim Warner. Oh, Tim Warner is next on Kill Tony.

Here we go. You guys still having fun out there, huh? You guys OK? I know you guys have never seen two black men argue before in Austin, Texas. You have to, like, really search that out. So to see it live. Very, very rare.

Okie dokie. Here we go. Things are about to pick up. It's Tim Warner, everyone. Great. Kind of take 2020 was a war on hope. You know, a lot of people now are supposed to pay attention to the health care system.

I kind of think that's an oxymoron. You know, health care. An industry that needs us to be sick in order to make a profit. You call health care, right? So now we all got to take a vaccine. Some people worried about side effects. I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about

because side effects, it's a bullshit term. It doesn't exist. Who goes through life having cause and side effect? Nobody. It's cause and effect. If you take a pill that gives you bleeding ass cancer diarrhea, that's not a side effect. That's a bleeding ass cancer diarrhea pill.

You should call your doctor today, maybe get some weed or something. The reason why they call them side effects is because they want you to take all those effects, put them to the side, ignore them stupid, take the fucking vaccine. It's all psychological. It's all in the language.

All of it. Start it with fake news. Remember that? You have more? I want you to keep going. I want to hear everything that you prepared for tonight. All right. So you heard, I remember fake news and everyone's like,

oh my God, there's all these alternative media sources. First of all, the fact that they thought the news was real, that's adorable, right? Isn't that fucking cute? It's ridiculous. I don't know why anyone would be concerned about fake news. We all bullshit ourselves in order to get through life. It's how it works, right?

You ever heard anyone go, I'm going through a breakup? Let's bullshit because the breakup already happened. What they're going through is a competition to see who's going to fuck someone else first. Right? I mean, come on. It's insane. Like I'm white, right?

So I'm on the inside. I get to hear everything they say. Okay. There's a term that only white people use, and it's reverse racism. Have you ever heard this? Oh, last night I went out and I dealt with reverse racism. Well, what is that?

Acceptance? Okay, I'm going to stop you there. There he is. Tim Warner, everybody. Wow, Tim, get back up to that microphone. I know you're looking for a skateboard or something right now to jump on. Welcome to the show, Tim.

How long have you been doing stand-up? That was very, very entertaining. I was on episode 82. Okay. That's a hell of a long time ago. 2008, huh? Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With Segura. Or wait, no, not 2008. 2014, that would have been. Yeah, with Segura and Christina. Okay, Tommy and Christina. Hell yeah. They'll be back soon. I do believe they might be.

I think there's, I don't know. They're moving here. Yeah, I think they are moving here, in fact. So you've been doing it that long? Did you start then? Yeah, I started. You started on Kill Tony? Started in New York.

Oh, okay. How long ago was that? Yeah, I was visiting LA at the time for two weeks. Okay. Yeah. You'd been doing it for two weeks? No, no, I was in LA for two weeks last time I did. Gotcha.

Welcome, welcome. And now you live here? I escaped New York Election Day. I got yelled at by a bunch of SJWs over the summer for going outside and having fun. And so then, unlike the SJWs, I voted for a woman and then been living in my car, traveling the country ever since. And now I'm here. What woman did you vote for?

Joe Jorgensen, dude. Libertarian. Oh, thank God. Oh, okay. I guess so, yeah. What? I like my vote to count. Oh, you still believe it does.

That's adorable. That's cute. Hold on to it, buddy. I will, I will. You are my favorite comedian that performed at the Capitol in January. I gotta admit. Easy, that's an easy one. Low hanging fruit.

It is. I love it. I'm more intelligent than that. I love it. How long have you been in Austin? See, I got here March 1st. Okay. And yeah, I'm at the Walmart on 290 if anyone wants to stop by.

Wait, what do you mean? I'm living in my car, dude. I left. I went to, not to Bragg. I went to Huntsville, Alabama for two weeks. Got your hair cut in Munchkinland. Represent. This was the result of the medicinal martial law in New York.

How did that happen? How did you decide on that? I don't know, dude. But those of you listening. It was tough fucking being in New York during all of this. Yeah. You were in the heart of New York City? Yeah.

You were born and raised there? No, my parents fucked in Syracuse, so then I moved to New York after 9-11. That's a great, I'm telling you. You know how to get the fuck out of somewhere. I like that about you. Thank you. You're right.

We abandoned LA right around when you left New York for greener pastures. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The rent was cheap after 9-11, so it was like, why not? Heck yeah. Get a place right at the World Trade Center. Why don't you? Whatever, guys. It was 300 bucks a month.

So yeah, why wouldn't you move there? Hell yeah. I get the feeling you're fully invested in Bitcoin and GameStop. Am I correct? No, no. I'm just unemployment in Patreon. What do you do on Patreon? I got a podcast, a Joker in the Rye.

Sweet. Awesome. And I'm guessing you talk a lot about politics and conspiracies and whatnot. Everything. Everything. I'm documenting basically my life when I was a fall-down drunk addict like two years ago. Today's 600 days. 600 days?

How cool is that, huh? Yeah, I'm not clean. Like I smoke weed every day. If anyone's got DMT, I'll do that too. But that's it. That's all I do nowadays. I love it. Hell yeah.

I wonder how many more days until you no longer look like a drunk drug addict. I know. Still the lingering effects. I can't imagine how much fun you must have had. Glory holes and fight clubs in Chinatown. I've got some stories. Yeah? Yeah, dude, life is great.

What was like the lowest point? Lowest point. All right. Was it when Don L. Rawlings walked out on your podcast? Because I could probably relate. I'm pretty sure he did not. You're just snapping one off. No.

I mean, I don't know. The homeless in New York was pretty rough. Yeah. That's one of my favorite Frank Sinatra songs. Homeless in New York. So I don't know. Let me ask a quick question, you guys. Real quick.

Sure, go right ahead. It's me that gets to decide that. I got a decision to make in my life. Do you guys think I should stay in Austin? Yeah. They want you here. They want you. They have plenty of people like you.

Comfortably sleeping under bridges here all around town. You'll fit in just right here. I don't know why you're at a Walmart when there are perfectly fine bridges. I see you have a Bill Hicks shirt on. You a fan of Bill Hicks? Huge, huge. My Mount Rushmore would be Bruce Carlin prior Hicks.

I love Stan Hope. Axl Rose, Neal, and Tyler Durden. Wow. That's the rest of it. Look at that. Fuck yeah. How about Adolf Hitler? Where's he on here?

Come on. I've got such a great, like, don't let this fool you now. You know what I mean? This is how a dictatorship thrives. You keep a country divided 50-50 over things like haircuts. You know? I'm a good dude. No, we believe you, Tim.

I have a lot of friends like you that I talk to like once a year for a second. Always keeps empty water bottles in their back pocket. Just in case. You have to fill it up when you're homeless. Yeah, I've got a poop in it or something. Actually, I use the Tropicana. Tropicana?

The Big Mouth. Oh, yeah, Big Mouth, yeah. Absolutely. Well, Tim, I mean, your set was so goddamn hypnotizing. Very, very, very entertaining. Absolutely. I very rarely tell people to go for as long as they want until they start getting borderline white power speech.

And then I... That's a really good... I agree. I'm just kidding. I'm just joking. I'm just kidding. The reverse racism thing was great. And the whole thing, very entertaining, very enthralling.

You showed your experience up here, and I appreciate it. There goes Tim Warner, everybody. He's that I am, Tim Warner. Yeah, let's do that. You guys want to get a lady up here? Should I pick till we get a lady? Huh? Equal opportunity.

Let's do it. That will make me feel better. All right. Andy's not a lady. Ryan, the cable viewer is not a lady. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. Your next comedian goes by the name of Claudia Monica.

Claudia Monca. Perhaps. Claudia Monica. That seems like a new name. Monca. All right, here she comes. And decide whether that's an IC or a K. Here she comes.

Claudia. Here comes Claudia. Your first female comedian of the night. She is Claudia Monica. One more time for Claudia, everybody. So, I think I could be a leader of a school on how to give a proper blow job. I'd be the headmaster. I used to be a recruiter and it fucked with my dating life,

because anytime someone would see that on my profile that I was a recruiter, I kid you not, I got more resumes than dick pics. But it's like, when it comes to those kinds of guys who send that shit, it doesn't really matter if it's a resume or a dick pic. Either way, it's going to be underqualified. I got a letter of email from my psychiatrist office once about it being ADHD Awareness Month. I was like, really?

I don't think they're going to get anyone's attention. Fuck, I don't think that was 60 seconds with that was what I had. Yeah, 58 seconds. There's the cat, Claudia Monica. Welcome, Claudia. It's a funny headmaster joke you got there. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up comedy?

About two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin? No, I was in LA until about a month ago. Wow. Is that where you're from? Yeah. Okay.

And you started two years ago and you moved here a month ago? Yeah. You moved here permanently? I moved here. Okay. What clubs were you doing in LA? I think the actual club that I did the most, not like so much, was like the comedy store. Really?

Yeah, we're at at the comedy store. A few times. Who shows specifically? Because to perform there, you have to be a paid regular. So other things, it's either like an open mic. No, no, no. I know, I know. So when people say that, like it's like crazy to people.

I'm still an open mic-er. I did like that D's Nuts show. There you go. Right. So you did the open mic at the comedy store when people ask you from LA. So that you don't bring down the stock of the greatest comedy club in the world. I just want to make sure we're on the same page here, Claudia. I love it.

So welcome, welcome. You moved here a month ago. What do you love about Austin so far? The people are nicer. I can bring my dog everywhere. It's awesome. It really is true. What do you, is there anything that you were sad to leave about LA or that you miss about LA?

I mean, you know, it's nice. Like there's the beach. They have rivers here. Have you been to the river yet? They have a river that's like a lake or something. I've kind of been to the river yet. They have a wacky river. It like runs in multiple directions and shit.

They are half the people think it's a lake, half think it's a river. Some people call it a fucking creek. I'm a pond guy. I like ponds, a lot of ponds. Gross. Ponds are gay. John is grossed out by ponds. You like ponds?

Nah. They're like lipid pools. Like all the literacy falls out in the ponds and it just sits there. Jesus Christ. There you go. Damn. My God. I love it.

Okay, Claudia. So that's fun. Is that true? Do you really think that you could give classes on blowjobs? You said it. Oh, your mic fell out. It got so excited when I said that you could do blowjobs. She said something about BJ samples.

I heard samples. Did you celebrate the holiday yesterday? Did you give a blowjob? What was the holiday? Stake and blowjob day yesterday. Is that true? Yeah, that's why I ate fucking steak. I missed that one.

Really? Who'd you give the blowjob to? Janice has an extended labia. Oh, God. All right. But do you have you, is that, is it, I'm just curious. That is something that you think is true or is it just a joke? I, it's I'm pretty good.

All right, that's a no. That's fun. You have a boyfriend right now? I don't. Okay. That's cool. Have you been dating since being here in Austin? Nope.

Nope. It's been a, it's been a while. You've grilled me on this before. I actually was on your show once in LA, but I had blue hair back then. I asked you if you had a boyfriend when you were on the show. Previously is what you're saying when you say I grilled you. Yeah. Yeah.

I ask everybody if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend just before you try to me to me or something like that. I know this is the fucking age we look. Tony always grills me even though I open up by talking about sucking dicks. He wants to know if I have a boyfriend. How dare you? When's the last time you had a boyfriend? It's been three years.

Three years. Why do you think that is? Do you, do you just not interested in horrible blowjobs? Obviously. Are you an independent woman? Or is it something that? Oh, I mean, I've given plenty of blowjobs since then. Sure.

Go on. I, I don't know. It's just, I get bored easily. Okay. How about dates? Have you been on? I've been on a few. Here?

No, I haven't been on any here yet. Okay. All right. Have you, have you been anywhere that you like in Austin? Have you tried HEB? Have you gone to the grocery store? That's where the magic happens. If you want to fall in love with a fucking real man or like a,

you know, a 25 ounce porterhouse or something like that. HEB. Yeah, by the, by the juice bar. Is there a juice bar at HEB? There is. I didn't even know this. There's parts of HEB I haven't even been to. Incredible.

It's like Disney world. You can't see it all at once. HEB I live by has like a purse store in the middle of it. For some weird reason. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah it is. Of course. Purse store. I can't see it.

I haven't been to the HEB plus yet, but. That's where the women go and the men go to the meat department. You know what I mean? All right. Speedal juice, speedal juice. I love it. So Claudia, you moved here a month ago. Have you been performing a lot while here in Austin?

Yeah. Yep. Like where? I've been doing mics, random bars, you know, nothing. You know, I'm not a superstar yet. You know. No, it's fine. Yeah.

Nothing sense. We get that. Absolutely. How about for fun? Any fun hobbies or anything like that? Like you seem like you play ukulele with a deaf guy or something. You know what I mean? I like to sing.

Do you? Yeah. What kind of singing do you do? I sing like a lot of like pop stuff or like bluesy stuff. Really? Are you like a free, are you a free Britney person? Yes. Sure.

Well, that's not an answer to an actual question. She deserves to be free. I'm not like campaigning. What type of pop would you sing if like you were at a karaoke bar or something? What's your song? Yeah, what's your go to? I would probably sing something like either, well, if I'm really feeling, if I'm really feeling it like Ariana Grande, but usually like Adele or like Amy Winehouse.

Really? Like what kind of, what kind of Adele song would you sing? Someone like you is a good one that I... Oh, okay. And you can hit those notes? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Or is this like your blowjob thing? Are you just hitting around and you're going to tell the truth in a couple minutes? No, I can't. Yeah, I can. Uh-oh. Oh, John Dee's over here. Doesn't even need a fucking anything this goddamn machine. All right, here she is giving us a little sample.

Oh, am I singing? Yeah, goddamn right you're singing. Never mind all. Oh, fuck. Wait, I don't know. Here it is over here. Look. Look, look, look.

Oh, wow. Sing it like Fat Adele, not like Skinny Adele. Sing it like you're not gonna stand, why are you so shy? And I cute to hold back. Oh, hide from the light. I hate to turn up out of the blue one and write it. But I couldn't stay away. I couldn't fight it.

I hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over. Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don't forget me, I beg, I'll remember you said. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. Hell yeah. That was great, look at that.

That was awesome. Look at them over there, absorb some of that energy. You could get that during your comedy set next time if you try hard enough. I'm just treating you like one of the boys here, Claudia. This one's got blogger energies for days. I'm telling you, I'm feeling it over here. Oh no, she's just kidding. She's a real comedian.

I was not expecting to do a carrier. Wait, D-Madness, what'd you just say? Hey, D-Madness said you didn't make his eyes bleed. He's blind, that's why that's funny. If you're wondering, I don't know if you just maybe you just thought he has cool sunglasses. Claudia, that was fun, man. I liked your blowjob school headmaster joke. And you really turned it around during that Adele part.

I thought I was setting you up for failure and you really came through there in the end. So thank you. That was awesome. Big hand for Claudia Monica, everybody. There she goes. Keep signing up. Oh God, if she wouldn't have done that blowjob joke, you wouldn't have said that right. No, no, I mean, like they're keep signing up.

Honestly, Austin doesn't have many female comics. It's true, the ratio here is wild. People are giving me shit all the time from my weekly show that I don't have any females. I'm like, I only know three. Yeah, I had Genevieve Clinton on my show on Saturday. She had to drive all the way down from Dallas. And she did with no hesitation. I said, want to do a show tonight.

She was on her way. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? All right. Your last bucket pull of the night goes by the name. Oh, this is crazy. Ladies and gentlemen, John L. Rowling's everybody. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

He's gone. He's long gone. He's having dinner with Dave Chappelle right now. Forgetting that he was ever even here. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Andre Rodriguez, everybody. Andres Rodriguez. And many more Latino men than there are female comedians. Oh, I remember this guy, I think.

Oh, hell yeah. This guy's coming in. It's the Aquaman guy, right? Here he comes. This guy's coming in with energy. Come on. Make some noise. One more time for Andre Rodriguez.

When I was in seventh grade, I was bullied by a retarded person. Excuse me. I was physically challenged by a mentally challenged person. You know, this kid was big. I was in junior high. He looked like a junior in high school. And it's kind of hard to fight back when your attacker's two times your size and looks like Andre the Giant.

Like if I was David, this kid was good, good, good Goliath. So we got any Latinos in the house? We got any Latin Xs? Good. That's a stupid word made up by people who do not know the language. Sorry, woke folks. Sorry, woke folks. Adding an X doesn't solve the problem.

It just makes it an algebra equation. And to prove you wrong, let's add the X on a culture. All right, let's try it on Chinese. For instance, you go around calling a group of Chinese people Chinas. They'd be male. Go around calling a group of Chinese people Chinas. They'd be female. And you go around calling a group of Chinese people Chinas.

Well, you're just racist. Andres Rodriguez. Andre or Andres? Andres. But you can say it that way. Andres. Andres all over the place like that. Absolutely.

Hell yeah. Fucking. Minimi Jason Momoa. Right. Totally fucking good. I'm like Jason Momoa if he had fetal alcohol syndrome. Yeah. Jason Melissa or something.

Yeah, if like Jason Momoa. All right, if like y'all know Pokemon, I am the first evolution. He is the last evolution. You're like if Aquaman lived in an actual fish tank. Right. Yeah. If Aquaman lived in a pond. You actually have a map of water on your shirt too.

Yeah. Like you want people to think that. Is that a map of Austin? It's a map of New York. Oh, it's all the same to me. Yeah. So if you're looking to get around, find me. I love it.

How long have you lived here? I've been living in central Texas for about 10 years. Central Texas. Now what does that mean to you? Where are we talking about? Flugerville? I went to school at Texas State in San Marcos. Hey, I owe them money.

Fuck that. Uh oh. Is that the mentally retarded guy that bullied you? I hope not. Because I've got some things to say that he can't pronounce. Uh oh. Tam, look at you. You hate this guy.

Yeah, you know. You gotta hate one, right? But yeah, San Marcos is about 20 miles south. And you know, I've seen this place grow for about 10 years, and it's changed. Awesome. Hell yeah. And all the while, you've stayed the same size.

Yeah. Same waist size since high school, dude. Absolutely. 27 all the way. Must be nice. So Andre, I love it. What do you do for fun? Rock.

Stand up. How long have you been on stand up? Two years. Two years. Two years, man. And for fun? Rock climb, play guitar, sing, paddle board. Rock climb, sing?

Yeah, I can sing. What else? Rock climbing, paddle boarding, guitar, stand up. Photography, right? Photography, too. Yeah, that's my job. It's fun, but yeah, it's also a job. What do you sing?

What type of music are you into? I may not make you sing, but I'm just curious as to what you sing. Because if you said Adele right now, I'd be like, you gotta be kidding me. I can sing soul. I can sing soul. Really?

Like the movie that I turned out then. Black guys, I gotta know. Do you think this guy can sing soul? John? I mean, you know, he has brown skin. Let's go. What you won't do for love? Can we do that?

Let's give it a shot. Let's see if this little guy. Oh, shit. Oh, damn. Hey, be careful. That microphone's a little loose tonight. It's already fallen out a couple of times. I don't want John Deese to be blind next.

Here he is singing a little soul. I guess you wonder where I've been. Wow. I search to find love within. Damn. And I came back to let you know, got a thing for you and I can't let go. And my friends wonder what is wrong with me because I'm in the days from your love you see. And I came back to let you know, got a thing for you

and I can't let go. Wow. Some people go. All right. All right. We don't need to do every verse. That was awesome. Incredible.

That was fucking awesome. Andre Rodriguez. I must admit, I got to admit, even my pussies wet after that performance. I am dripping over here. This is incredible. I didn't even know I had a pussy to get wet. Now all of a sudden I feel it. Tony squirted it all over my shoes.

There you go. Thank you, Red Pan. It really heated that extra image for everyone. Andre, I mean, do you get all the pussy in this town? Not enough. How good does that last girl give blowjobs? I got to know. You have to know, right?

You've been out there for at least a couple of hours with her. Yeah, man. It's it's it's a fucking bun. It's a minefield out there. Use your shirt. I live here like you go up to girls. Yeah, I live right around here. Hey, what do you say?

You go to the Lower East Side. It's right up my ass, man. Right up my ass. I love it. You have a girlfriend right now? You don't? Nah. You're just playing the field.

Yeah, man. I'm doing this. I ain't got a time for a girlfriend. Well, are you talking about? Absolutely. No, he doesn't have time for a girlfriend. This guy is time for fucking destroying puss. This is the fucking like this.

This guy fucks like the night stalker kill. Like he's out every night just absolutely fucking. He doesn't. There's no foreplay. This guy does one play. Just straight in. He doesn't. This guy doesn't even eat pussy.

He just takes his his dicks already lubed. No condom. No, he has a tattoo of a condom. He sprays lube on his dick before leaving the house. Just slides it in people. And he can with it with hair like that, he can walk right into the women's restroom. He just covers his face, just takes it goes stall to stall.

Wall to wall. Just fucking slipping and sliding all over the place. Hey, well, I am Mexican, so, you know, you know, I'm a wet back and also comes with a territory, right? And a wet front. I'm here, apparently. You mean me, I'm a wet front. How often do you have sex?

Just tell us the truth, because it's got to be such an interesting amount, right? Days is hot like per day, per person. It just really depends on who I'm around. God, I know the answer is so much. If he didn't fuck that much, he'd be like, well, you know, I fuck a lot, Tony, you're right. I fuck a lot.

But instead, he's like not giving a real answer, which means like it might be two days, three days. You kind of got to stop when your dick starts chafing. So, you know, when the skin starts falling off, you have to peel it back, put some Carmix on it. Just get some chapstick, yeah. Yeah, a red band knows what it's like to fuck that much. Look how much he's agreeing with you.

That must mean he's true. Cherry flavor, man. So when they're bobbing on it, they get moisturized lips. Everybody wins, you know? Wow, you are incredible. Thank you. So interesting, Andre. You're funny.

You can sing like that. You have these fucking boyish good looks. Is there anything you can't do that you want to do? Is there anything that you wish you were able to do? Advanced mathematics. Yes. Really? Yeah.

I wish I could, but I can't. Why, what do you mean? Such a disappointing answer. I don't know if you're trying to be funny. No, that's just true. No, math is the worst. How about another answer? What's something else that you wish you were good at

that you might want to do one day, something that you might be interested in learning? Just being a better musician overall, man. You ever think about going blind? Well, I got an eye for my pocket. Deep man kills it. You have what? I got a blade.

I can do something about these eyes right now. We can change the show, make it really, really kill Tony tonight. Don't cut your eyeballs out. That's it. An incredible performance. Very, very intriguing interview. So much fun. I've seen you taking pictures at some of the shows at Vulcan.

That's how we recognized you. And I didn't even know you did stand up. Very, very cool. Great stuff, man. Very likable, very charismatic. Thank you. Thank you. How about a big hand for Andre Rodriguez, everybody?

He's on social media. And Drexacano, A-N-D-R-E-X-I-C-A-N-O. Let's do this shit. We ready for the closer? Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night is a regular on Kill Tony Heat. That means he has to write and perform a brand new minute every single week.

Not easy to do for anyone. But this guy makes it look easy. At Second City for over two decades, switched to stand-up comedy just a couple years ago, almost immediately became a regular here on Kill Tony. Make some fucking noise for the one, the only Michael Lairer, everybody. This is it.

It's the only way to put a ribbon on a show like this. Hell yeah. Guys, this is it. Make some noise for Michael Lairer, everyone. All right, shoot, sir. Somebody put his emergency break on. Come on, people. There he is.

It really is him. Let's do this together. Everyone is like, oh, Michael Lairer, you're so cute. You're so funny. I want to be with you. But after a week of fucking and all that fucking, I was sitting on my back. Although I am comfortable enough with my sexuality

that I'll let your husband hold my hips and push me in and out of you from behind in the cell of a dog. But every woman at the end of the week is like, I want to go on adventures. Michael Lairer, I think you might be done with adventures. You have rich, rich likes. Michael Lairer, I like going to the club with you, but I just like not going to the club when Optimus Prime.

And you can't fit in an ancient bathroom. Fucking red man. Red man, red man, I will sell my Nintendo up your con if you ever fucking want to be with me. Hopefully it's an NES mini. Oh, red man, my goodness. Every woman is like, I want to be with you, Michael, but the hardest part of your life is sitting in the shower.

And I do Pilates, but shouting Michael Lairer is harder than Pilates. Michael Lairer, ladies and gentlemen, there he is. Sweatin' a little bit tonight. I don't think I've seen sweat before. We're some liquid IV. Yeah, he's very well hydrated. I know, I've been taking the corn IVs when I've been on a drug

and I don't know, man. Really? He really has been a little fun fact for all of you. I don't know, a couple weeks ago, I think an audience member after one of the shows at Vulcan gave him a baggie of cocaine and Michael decided to not stop doing it after that. So we want to thank whoever that audience member is. That was nice enough to give our friend with ALS,

Lou Gehrig's disease an upper. This way, he doesn't get the sleep that he needs for his body to fully recover. But no, it's awesome. You should hear how well he rationalizes it. The old, I'm dying anyway, works pretty well. Pretty much ends the argument on the spot. We do it every day or so.

You could give it to me and I'll rationalize it to him. There you go. Yeah, thank you, Red Band. May I clarify? Yeah, again, like I said, you're so good at rationalizing it. I want them to hear what I'm talking about. Yeah, well, one, I did one joke about cocaine and it was, I wanted to make cocaine more accessible to disabled people

like it comes in those little bags. And I was thinking my other main fingers can't get in there. And when I call a hooker, I ask for black, white, or tannies. I don't inquire how long her fingernails are on. That's hilarious. So what do you think, like maybe like little tupperwares for the cocaine? Right, well, we're thinking how to make cocaine more accessible to disabled people. But I didn't think you're telling me you're shunning a kick shunning.

Is it go funny? And we're going to figure out this cocaine problem. Somebody give this man a snowball. I feel like I could help you out there. Yeah, Red Band can help you with any health issue that you possibly have. So another Dr. Red Band specialty. Nothing better than checking in with a guy that gains seven pounds every week on health decisions. Hey, man, wait till I take it off.

It's going to be great. We've been waiting, Red Band. No, I'm waiting for the check. All right, there you go. I'm getting it all ready. There you go. Okie dokie. You know, I just clarified what you said.

I did one joke last week about cocaine and three strangers from the ones gave me cocaine. Yeah, look at them applauding. Hell yeah, taking months off of a man's life. That's so exciting. Hell yeah, put those pans in the air. Tony. Yes, it makes him so mad when anyone speaks truth to him. Tony, would you ever do cocaine with Michael?

No, I would have already done it with him. But no, I wouldn't. I don't do cocaine. I just look like I do. I mean, it's like bogus, we're butt buddies. We live together. Wait, seconds. Yeah, we're like brothers, like butt buddies, and we go through ups and downs.

And I was doing cocaine with him. And I said, wow, I think this cocaine makes me feel better. And he said, that's what everyone says when they're doing cocaine. Yeah, yes, they do. How does it make you feel 30 minutes after you do it? Um, I get another bump because I'm a local celebrity. And I only pay for one fifth of the cocaine I do. Okay, I know this.

You're closing your eyes a lot right now. Yeah, is this a new side effect we're seeing? Is this a cocaine effect? This is it. I've seen D Madness open his eyes more this episode than you. He's right. No, what this simply is, I put Hurtown in my hair and then it's burning in my eyes. My eyes are burning, so I can't open them.

When it rains, it pours over there. That's what you get for trying to be cute. I get all sexy. Trying to get all sexy, all the strange pussy and all. Let's talk about this, what appears to be this new look. I don't know if you guys can see, Michael, can you turn your head to wear like any direction? It appears as though Michael decided today to go through his head in clumps and shave certain patches.

The type of things that I would imagine you do two, three weeks into a cocaine vendor. What the hell is that? Is that New Hampshire on this side? Yeah. Map of New York? Yeah, I'm a trend center. This could be a new thing. Oh, shit.

Absolutely. Hell yeah. All right. Yeah. A big sip of modelo there. Michael, what's in the water bottle there that you have that looks exactly like urine? I was listening. Day listening.

Oh, that's great. This is very exciting. Wait, what's in these? What's in your water bottle? Hey, what's going on over here? What's happening? D-Madness. They both took a sip of water bottle at the same time, so.

Yeah, D-Madness. Let's both be blind and talk. This improvises blinds. There's no microphone over there. D-Madness. We have a... Give them one. We have six of them.

Oh, here you go. We have one here. Let's get them a... Zach, get over here and hand D-Madness this microphone. D-Madness. Michael Lair wants to improvise with you. Post slowly. Let's go slowly.

It's in front of you. You can grab it, D. There you go. Hell yeah. I imagine it'll be in the style of an August Woodson play. I don't know. What's August Woodson? Yeah, motherfuckers never watch Broadway.

No. Yeah, no. Not really our thing here on... We're not really a big Broadway people. I don't watch anything. D-Madness. I don't fucking watch a damn thing. Yo, D, I'm gonna get a suggestion and my eyes are closed

and we're gonna improvise a skit. Someone from the audience is gonna give you a suggestion. All right, somebody give a suggestion. What? A safari. That guy seems very passionate. Let's do it. All right, it's a safari.

You guys are blind. Here we go. Hi, D-Madness. What's happening? You don't know... What you notice is the drafts are in heat and they're fucking each other. And where the draft... The draft, my son, another draft, is, um, um, a collapse hazard.

Okay. I'm, uh, um, sighted people. I swear. I don't know what to say about that. Well, I kind of feel like I got... I kind of feel like a person with eyesight just guide me into a tree. Yeah, um, but what do you think of this tree? It's a poison berry tree and we can eat the fruit all day long.

Is this... I'm blind-sighted here. Is it sweeter or sour? Oh, motherfucking, you know, it's sour as a big bitch. That's unfortunate. It is, though. Wow. Is there any cocaine on this safari?

No, I wish there was. No, D-Madness, I see a cocaine tree. Oh, let's go do it. I'm starting to get the vision now. D-Madness went under this cocaine tree to me make a wish before we do all this cocaine. Yes, I'm making one right now. I am. Thank you.

I've been doing that a lot. Oh, I know. I do it with my eyes open, though. I feel it, man. Guys, like, where's the point? Wow, good point. This is one of the wildest goddamn shows we've had in a while, I gotta admit. Hey, stuff does happen, you know.

This has been very experimental. We had a monologue by the guests at one point. We've done literally blind improvisation. Special bass players? This is like, UCB meets UC Nothing. I feel like D-Madness cut Michael Laird's hair. It does. It does look like D-Madness cut Michael Laird's hair.

Somehow Michael only has the second worst haircut out of all the performers here tonight. It's cause I didn't have enough cocaine. That's why I would have done it right if I'd had enough cocaine. Tim Warner beat all you guys in the lifelong cocaine competition. Guys, how about a big hand for Michael Laird, everybody? MichaelLairdComedy.com for everything Michael Laird. How about a big hand? Fix Alkaline Vodka presents the Kill Tony Band, everybody.

John B's D-Madness and Michael Gonzalez. Follow them on social media. Make sure you do. It's Mike Agon's 13. John Key's J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z on social media. One more thing. I'll be sure and do his hair right next time when I have just enough cocaine. So I'll do it to do it correctly.

D-Madness, do you have any gigs this week or anything you want to plug? I do Thursday at Samstown. Samstown point every Thursday. Samstown every Thursday. What time? 8 to 10. 8 to 10. I'll be there.

Maybe not this Thursday. 2115, All Red Drive. I love it. Have some fucking Lulie. How about one more hand for the band and Michael Laird, huh? Ryan Jay-Belt drew tonight's episode and he did do it. Donnell is in it with a microphone. Me, an old, really awesome, death-proof looking car.

Michael Laird is in it and a skull. So cool. Such a great drawing. Ryanjayybel.com for all those prints. Remember to follow Yoni at Best Barbecue. Go to C.M. Smokehouse at Bolden Acres. FloresTortillas.com and get your fixed vodka. Alkaline vodka.

Very, very, very interesting stuff. Support all of our sponsors and by doing so, you support us. How about a big hand for Antones? They put this thing on every Monday. They take good care of us. Who knows? Maybe we'll add some more tables next week. That's what the people want.

What else, Red Band? Every week I do a comedy show. As you can tell, a lot of people from this show are on it. Check it out. Go to it's at Vulcan every Wednesday or Thursday. If you just go to Desquad.tv and click on tour dates, you'll find it. Live audience, this was a wild one. You guys have fun tonight?

All right, sweet. This show sells out. Fun fact, today, the show from two weeks from now sold out in three and a half minutes. That's what's happening. Every single week it's selling out faster. I'm pretty sure that's faster. Even though it's only, I think, 100 tickets per show,

it's still, that's still insane. Three and a half minutes. It's amazing. It's amazing. I'm pretty sure it's faster than we even sold tickets in LA. So you guys are really showing up. It's very powerful and we appreciate you guys. Really feels like home and we thank you.

Good night, everybody. Bye-bye. Here we go. Here we go.