KILL TONY - #500 - JOE ROGAN

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

Joe Rogan, Jon Keyz, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Zac Bogus, Matthew Muehling, David Lucas, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/08/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Visit GETROMAN.COM/TONY and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment.—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliff and his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tonight, in an unprecedented event, live podcasting reaches a new milestone. While Mel's live shows stopped in 2020, only one kept going. They are overwhelming need to please the fans and to collect ad money kept them going.

A show that started in the small room at the comedy store in Hollywood would soon be filling up the big room at the comedy store in Hollywood. Then, it hit the road. It's around to Houston, Dallas, New York City, Austin, Vancouver, Nashville, Chicago, Sacramento, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Las Vegas, Raleigh, Atlanta, Boise, Pasadena, San Diego, Ventura, Venice, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Columbus, Cleveland, Salt Lake City, San Antonio, Detroit, Indianapolis, Kansas City, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, Calgary, Montreal, O'Kipsey, Buffalo, Dublin, Ireland, Manchester, England, London, England, Miami.

And now, it accumulates to this. Live from its new home in Austin, Texas, the first ever live podcast to hit 500 episodes, and the number one live podcast in the world. Live from the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas, this is Kill Tony 500. Hey, this is Red Band Company Alive from Austin, Texas, at the Paramount Theater for Kill Tony 500. Here's Tony Edgeclap. Austin, Texas, we're here.

Make some fucking noise. Come on. Hey, everybody. It's all happening. How about a hand for the fucking band, huh? Come on, everybody. It's the Kill Tony Band. Sponsored by Fix Vodka, the first ever alkaline vodka.

Nice clean hangovers. No hangovers, I mean. It's a nice clean vodka with no hangovers. Get yourself a clean hangover from our new sponsor. I love it. Great Ryan J. Ebelt is drawing tonight's episode as we speak. You can't even miss him. He's right here.

The real Ryan J. Ebelt flew in from Los Angeles, California for this. How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time, huh? Very exciting. We wish episode 500 would have landed with an opportunity to have full capacity, but you fucking monsters, the bought up these first 400 tickets as fast as you did. Congratulations. It meant the world to us. We're excited.

Happy to be here. Have a hell of a show planned for you. Our bellies are full thanks to our friends over at CM Smokehouse of Bolden Acres. We all had full meals. It's a big theater prep day for us. And we scarfed down some food, including some brisket cheesecake. That was cheesecake with brisket. I don't know if you guys can tell, but I've actually gained.

And it's not easy for me. Seven pounds since moving to Texas. Thank you very much. I wear it right here in my neck. So thanks to Yoni, Best Barbecue Show, and everybody there. And before we start tonight's incredible episode, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made it available for you right now here at this moment. I absolutely love ExpressVPN.

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That's ridge.com slash Kill Tony. Use the code word Kill Tony. Don't forget, get 10% off. It's an amazing thing. Treat yourself. You'll thank me later. And we're back. Are you guys ready to start the show? Very, very exciting. But you know what? I think before we bring out, we do have a guest tonight, but I think before we bring him out, maybe we should bring out. You guys think we should add one more band member tonight? Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do it. It's happening right now.

From Los Angeles, California, this young lady became a band member on Kill Tony. A little over a year ago, she is here tonight. You know her. You love her. Rev those engines for the great Jet Ski Jesse Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Oh shit. It's the real. Oh my God. Make it rain. It is happening. She is here. She's shooting cash everywhere. This is unbelievable. The real deal. One of the veteran band members from Los Angeles. Where have you been jet ski? What's been happening? It's crazy out in LA. This is what we all dress like now.

It's weeds illegal again. Harvey Weinstein's back. It's just the nightmare. Jet ski is going to be with us all night for those of you that have been fans for the show for a long time. You know how big of a deal that is. We're super pumped. You guys ready to meet tonight's guest, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, one of our favorite guests in the world, our veteran guest here in Austin, Texas. This guy hangs out with us all the time. Loves it. We love him. One of the best comedians in the world. One of all of our best friends. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guest, Joe Rogan, everybody. Come on. Come on. Damn it.

Yeah. Here we are. We're having fun. We're in Austin, Texas. Hey, Joe. Come on. Come on. Joe Rogan. We've done a few of these in the past few months. We've been having fun at our usual home of Antones, but here we are at the Paramount. This is dope. I'm excited about it. I'm pumped. And let's just jump right into it. You know how this thing works. Everybody does. I have a bunch of people signed up before the show. I'm sure a lot of first timers, usually at these theater shows,

you get a lot of people that have been hoping for years and whatever to do it and they sign up. If I pull your name out of the bucket, there's two staircases, one there and one there. Those are your only two options. You come right up those. You perform behind that microphone for 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. There it is. At least she's excited tonight. Wrap it up then or she's going to bring out the angry fifth street bear. There it is. That's it. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

But since it's episode 500, before we go to the bucket, I think we should give you guys a special treat. You guys like special treats? Then I present to you a brand new 60 seconds from one of your favorite regulars in the history of the show. The longest standing veteran regular in the history of Kill Tony. He is the big red machine. His name is William Montgomery. Here we go. Make some noise, Laredo! Let's give it up for the Round Rock Express!

What about the rice owls? Okay. I heard the Austin City Limits Festival is having to cut back on its budget. Instead of a Tupac hologram this year, they're going to have a Claymation Frank Zappa. New study finds tripping on your airplane stairs reduces coronavirus. New study finds letting immigrants into the country with coronavirus reduces coronavirus. I just joined a rock band and it's called Rock Band. I only have one controller and you have to watch me play.

I have a buddy who is a heroin addict and as a prank I sold him the COVID-19 vaccine. Look, I'm an anti-Semite too but I'm not trying to gas chamber Dr. Seuss. There it is. Lock it down every week a new 60 seconds from a Stone Cold Assassin, William Montgomery. So nice to be here. I actually took some Adderall earlier. I love it. I've been looking at maps. Okay. Love it. You dressed like a little bit of a cowboy tonight.

You did like me except you look like a man and I look like Gay Woody from Toy Story. You got a friend. There's a snake in my butt. Yeah, I got this a JC Penney earlier. I stole it. I was on Adderall. This commitment is remarkable. Yeah, you've seen William a couple times, right Joe? What do you think about this? Very funny dude, Ben. Wild stuff.

Very funny. You're funny in a really unique way too. It's cool to watch. Thank you. I look forward for you inviting me on your podcast. I think it'll be a lot of fun. Let's try it again when you don't stumble. Get a part of that and have more effectiveness. I'm sorry. I'm on an Adderall right now. Did you think about when you were when you were JC Penney stealing that shirt, did it all cross your mind to perhaps steal a belt?

It's very obvious that you're not wearing a belt. What are you talking about? I mean like you're not only are you not wearing a belt, but your belt loops are like outies. They're not even like innies. No, it didn't fucking cross my mind. Your belt loops are like reaching out hoping that a belt will come to them. William, you just flew in to Austin.

You've been living in LA. What's going on out there? What's happening out here? What do you think about all this? Seems really cool. Who said yeah? Who's trying to fuck this up for me? This is probably the biggest opportunity I've ever fucking had. And some fucking dumb ass is doing that.

Please stop. Please fucking stop. I'm not kidding. I swear to God I'm not fucking kidding right now. I took too much Adderall earlier. I'm totally fucking on edge. My heart is breathing out of my chest. William.

But yeah, it's been really nice. It seems like a nice place to be. Can I ask you like a comedy question? Yeah. What's your writing process like? Because your stuff is all like silly sort of non sequiturs. Like how do you just sit down? How do you do it?

I will, yeah, to be quite frank, I will, there are many times I will, I'm not prescribed anymore, but I will take an Adderall pill and I will smoke some weed and I feel like the Adderall sort of gets me in the zone and then the weed I'm thinking silly. And then I write it down. I believe you.

That explains a lot. It's great stuff though man, really funny. Were you on Adderall? Was that when you committed to talking about Adderall for half your set? I actually wasn't. I actually haven't taken Adderall today. Oh, you had to.

What a twist. No, actually my drug dealer in Los Angeles, I bought 10 Adderall pills for $600. That doesn't seem like a good deal at all. It doesn't at all. Were you on Adderall when you did that? I was on Adderall when I bought the Adderall. Joe, you might like this, I've said it once before,

but one of my best drugs is the guy who invented Adderall must have been on Adderall. It really works better if you don't do it right after the joke about the Adderall and Adderall. You really stepped up. It's like a technical thing. This is just a preview of the JRE episode that you'll still see in the future.

William, what are your favorite things about Austin when you visit here? Oh man, the color yellow is everywhere. It's my favorite color. It's like everywhere I walk around, I see the color yellow. It's one of my favorite colors. I'd say that's probably the biggest thing right now.

And how does the rest of the country not know about queso? Yeah, that's crazy. That's a big deal. Do they have the white cheese dip here? Yeah, whatever the fuck you want. But the fact that the rest of the country has like bullshit queso? Did you have queso before you moved to Los Angeles though? Because when I was in Ohio and I moved to LA,

I was really pissed off that the Mexican food didn't have queso, and I always... Do you think Mexican people are mad at Tex-Mex? Yeah, they are for sure. Are you? Yeah, Michael Gonzalez, our new resident Mexican drummer over there. Don't like Tex-Mex? I was talking about Metz El Rancho,

the first few episodes. They get mad at you. Yeah, he was really mad. He's like, yo dude, if you really want... You're talking about like Tex-Tex-Mex. If you want Mex-Mex. Are you really Mexican? Cool.

But he sent me to this place. With that said, he did. He sent me to this place called Polvo South, and I was hooked. The real shit. Yeah, now when the wait's too long at Metz El Rancho, I go to the Mex-Mex. Are y'all really black?

Cool. William, I don't think you can talk like that wearing a shirt like that. What does that mean? I think it worked for you like when you were wearing like rock and roll. What does that fucking mean? No, what does that mean? What does that mean, right?

No, what does it mean? What does that shit mean, bro? What does it mean, Tony? I mean, I'm just saying, you were... You used to wear more likeable t-shirts. Okay, okay. Now you're dressed like an adult. People are going to take you seriously.

Cool. You're dressed like how like we... Like the difference between that you and a t-shirt and you and that is before you look like you, and now you look like what we think your dad looks like. Sweet Larry Montgomery. I think it's a good curveball, honestly. Thank you.

I think if you came up with like a wacky like rock t-shirt on, people would see more coming. But I don't. I... Yeah, just wearing that. I think I'm going to just keep wearing this shirt. Yeah, just leave it on. It's a good shirt, but it's just a framework.

I think I'm going to keep... You can build on that framework. You can have similar sort of mistyled attire and put it all together. I'm thinking about it. People are like, what is this guy doing? And then boom, you hit him with the good jokes. I'm thinking about it.

Maybe I'll start wearing this shirt all the time. What do y'all think, Laredo? Maybe get one with rhinestones. William, you've been visiting every couple of weeks for like each month or so. Is there anything you'd like to tell these people here about any decisions that you made in the past couple of weeks? Yeah, I don't know if y'all have ever heard

of the burger place called Wendy's, but I highly recommend it. There's some Wendy's in Austin. Dave's doubles. I get a couple of Dave's doubles. William, you maybe want to announce that one thing? I'm moving here. Oh, wow. I don't think anybody saw that coming.

Come on, Laredo! You got an apartment in Laredo. I know. I'm still looking for an apartment. So if somebody maybe has an open place, let me know. Take him in. Take him in. Take him in. Joe, you have probably an open spot. That was just like your average Liberals reaction to real immigration.

Not my house. Take a minute. Not here. Not here. Not here. Over there. William, another great minute. You've been doing this longer than anybody. A total accumulation. You've written hundreds of minutes on this show right in front of these viewers' eyes,

and it's absolutely incredible. Congratulations on your new move to Austin, Texas. Thank you. I look forward to it. Way to get the show started. Ladies and gentlemen, it has begun with the stylings of William Montgomery. Dude, that was really good. Really good. It was awesome.

That goes to William. He's a funny dude. Hell yeah, he is. Oh, look, it's Zach Bogus, everybody. We should upgrade him. Yeah, we did. One day we're going to get to a point where we're not so scared to use the same microphone.

One day. Zach Bogus. One day. Yeah, I know, right? People are safe here in Austin. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Lucas McCrary. Here we go.

Your first bucket pull of the night. Anything can happen. We've had legitimate homeless people. We've had everything on this show. We've pulled everything out of the bucket. There's a rumor going around that there's a guy handing out 100 T-shirts with Casey Anthony on them that just say Tony Hingecliff underneath her.

What? Shout out to whoever's bombing from the sidewalk. Is that true? Oh, here he is. It's Lucas McCrary, everyone. Here he is. Hello, everyone. So a little bit about myself.

That's why we all came out here tonight. So I am non-binary, right? So I use they, them pronouns. And I have to remind my dad about this a lot because it's still a pretty new thing. So I'm like, hey, dad, if you don't mind, I use they, them pronouns. But it doesn't matter how many times I remind him

because he keeps calling me faggot. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's actually on my birth certificate, faggot McCrary. That's my name. Better than my sister named Disappointment

or my brother named Elliott, you know, a fucking garbage name, garbage person. So what's it mean? What's it mean to be non-binary, right? So gender is a spectrum. So you've got man, woman, everything in between. So some days I feel like I am a woman. Oh, a woman.

And other days I'm funny. So still trying to figure it out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'll leave it at that. Wow, very good. Dude, that was really good.

Lucas McCrary. That was very funny. Very funny. Thanks, Joe. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. How long have you been on stand up?

I've been doing it about three years now. Three years? All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, no, Tennessee. So I've been here about two and a half months. That was good stuff, man. Really clever, really sneaky. It was awesome.

That was really funny. You doing it all in Nashville? No, Knoxville, Tennessee. Wow, what's the scene like out there? Is it just you? Yeah. It's being like 20 other active comics. It's very small.

Okay. Would you guys set up your own shows and bars and stuff? Coffee houses, old movie theaters and stuff. Yeah, it was fun. You could really draw a crowd because there's nothing else going on. Wow. Look at you. How old are you?

You look somewhere between like a young boy and a werewolf at the same time. How old are you? This is incredible. No, he might be 40 or he might be eight. Yeah. I'm 24. 24 years old. What do you do for work?

I make posters and album covers. Okay. Yeah. All right. And you make a living off that? Right now, yeah. I live very minimally. He sells drugs, right?

Yeah, it seems like it. I'm looking at this guy. I might get in the fucking car. Shut up. Do we say he or do we say it? Or what is the proper thing? Yeah, I prefer it. I prefer trash.

If you want to spit on me, that'd be great. What is it? So is that all true though? Do you really identify as non-binary? Can you just keep the mystery, Tony? I don't know. Let's talk about it. Yeah, yeah, I do.

You do? What exactly does that mean to you? I think it's different for everyone, but for me, it's just like I don't really care about what gender stereotypes and stuff. For me, it's just a way to get around the idea of what a man or a woman should be and just lets me kind of do my own thing. He's the future. We're all going to be aliens, little genderless aliens with giant heads.

And this is just one step. I was going to say the exact same thing. But listen, man, you know what? You're the first person who's openly claiming non-binary that wasn't slightly annoying. You're really funny. Instead of me hearing that and going, oh, you just need extra attention because you just whatever, you were just talented. So I'm like, fine.

What do your parents say? What do your parents think about all this in real life? What do they really think? Did your dad really call you a faggot? No, no. They're very cool with it. They're very confused, but they're very accepting of it. Yeah, they live in Knoxville, Tennessee.

They're confused as shit. Yeah. We don't even really know what all this means still. They don't live in Knoxville. They live in Kingsport, Tennessee, even smaller. Oh, my God. Whoa. How small is that?

It's like 40,000 people. Is that one of those places you see on the Discovery Channel where they catch catfish with their hands? You ever see where they go noodling? No, they go noodling. They go noodling in the jar. No, no, no, no, no. They get in the water up to their neck.

There's TV shows about it. They're amazing. I'm sure. They get in these muddy water. You can't see shit up to your neck, and you reach your hand in. These holes where these catfish live, and you grab the catfish and let it bite your arm, and then you pull them out. That's where his parents live.

Are you doing that? You're not even doing that here, right? There's big catfish out there. What do your parents do for work? My dad works at this big chemical plant. The whole reason the town is there, and my mom is a physician's assistant medical. Oh, so they're smart people. They're intelligent people.

I think it's super brave that you just say it, you know, and that it's not even, you're not pandering at all. You're just being whoever you are, and you're fucking hilarious. That's what the world needs, a person who can express themselves just genuinely, where it doesn't even remotely feel performative, but then your comedy is really good. So, dude, kudos, or whatever you want me to call you. I'll go with whatever. If you're that funny, I'll call you a day.

Hey, day. It is great. Hey, okay. Whatever you want, man. I've always hoped that there was more male comics that would talk about being called a... It's not necessarily male. Will you shut the fuck up? All right, I'll just...

Bro, check your privilege, you piece of shit. I'm so tired of these cis male assholes with cowboy hats talking shit to my non-binary friends. I mean, stop, man. Just fucking do better. Live your truth. You need to live your truth. I do believe you're cancel-proof after saying that.

I think you could pretty much do any... I think you could shoot everybody in the theater after that. Yeah, you could kill us all and blame it on your dad. And then we'd go, here's money, too. Lucas. What else do you want? You want to move to Mexico? You have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

Anything... You good at anything other than stand-up comedy? Well, I... No, I don't think so. Well, listen, you're really good at stand-up comedy, so fuck everything else. How long you in town for? I'm living here for right now, yeah. I'd like to invite you to the Vulcan on Thursday, if you...

Wow, look at that. Lucas McCrary just got a spot at Vulcan. Congratulations, Lucas. Does it pay? And a great set. That's a joke. Congratulations to you. We hope you'll sign up again at one of the upcoming shows here in Austin, Texas.

Well, I got one coming up at Santa Cruz Theater May 1st. Be on the lookout. Thank you. There you go. All right, there it is. Lucas McCrary, everybody, with a sweet, sweet plug. Thank you. Follow him on social media, LucasWMC.

Hey, look who it is. It's Kaylee from the Yellow Rows and the Red Rows, the microphone cleaner. Hey. Everyone loves Kaylee. She's been switching out the microphones for us the last couple weeks at Antones. The Yellow Rows and the Red Rows, the two premier strip clubs of Austin, Texas. And we got Kaylee from the Yellow Rows. Be careful.

You don't want to play with. Those are no joke. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Noe Lopez, everyone. Noe Lopez. Probably, yeah. Noe Lopez. I wonder if Noe, I wonder if we got coming from the back. Do you have a countdown until you pick another person?

No, we just count to see how long they've been on stage. Because sometimes, you know, we're talking to somebody. It's like, oh wait, they've been on stage for 20 minutes. We got to get somebody else up here, you know. Is Noe a real person? Someone coming? Can we get house lights for just a second? You guys having fun out there, huh?

Yeah, there's real people out there. Look at you guys. That's what it looks like. Here he is, everybody. Noe Lopez is here. Woo, how's everybody doing tonight? Good, awesome. So, I used to work at a hotel as a receptionist,

and one day, this definitely comes in. And I don't know sign language, so I had a repentant paper so that we can communicate. Earlier in the day, I had some Mexican food, so my stomach is bubbling, and I got to take a mean shit. Well, she came here, and I figured, man, I'm going to alleviate some of the pressure, and I fucking ripped the fart.

Well, did you guys know that one of your senses, one of your senses failed, the others are heightened? I didn't know that. And this bitch must have had a fucking nose like a bloodhound, because immediately she stops right and looks up, and I gave her the same stupid look back, and I farted again. And so, I figured, fuck it, she didn't hear the other one,

she's not going to hear this one. Well, you know, and I can, she can't hear, and I can deny the smell. Well, turns out, she wasn't deaf, she was mute. She heard everything. And Neela's just saying she didn't book a room with us. Noe Lopez, everybody, up here talking about pooping. Hi, Noe.

How's it going? You've been on this show before once, right? Yeah, I followed Alomine and Darnell. Oh, yeah, chaos, that was. The internet found out about that today. That was fun. Yeah. I should have been here for that.

Have you seen any of what? Yes, I would have grabbed Darnell, but we're going to be okay. Everybody's been going back. I don't know if you guys know, but we're like the biggest show in the hip hop community as of today. I don't know if you guys have been on Instagram at all.

Millions of views. Darnell, DJ Envy, all these people are all. I think Darnell was just over it, but it just makes me sad. Who's the dude? Alomine. He's very funny. Golden ticket winner out of Iowa.

He's very funny. That dude's very, very funny. And he had no idea Darnell was going to be there. Andy also. Well, Darnell had no idea he was going to be there either. In all fairness. That dude's just really good. Yeah, it was a powerful, powerful experience.

Was Darnell intoxicated? Yes. Well, there you go. He couldn't consent to his own behavior. Noelopez, welcome back to the show. What happened last time you were on? What happened during the interview part? What did we find out?

That I had a felony and apparently I gave you guys serial killer vibes. I was hoping you weren't going to say syphilis or some... Yeah. What's the felony from? Criminal mischief in 2013. I kicked the headlight on my baby mama's dad's truck. That's a criminal mischief? Yeah, yeah.

I got a felony for that. Mischief's a hilarious word for a crime. It is, right? What'd you do? Mischief? Yeah. My dad. That's like a Dennis the Menace type of crime.

He's left a real mischief out there. Mischief. Whole new thing. Yeah. Looking through windows and whatnot. Kicking out headlights. Real mischief. Yeah, man.

But I think, yeah. I feel like the attention was all drawn towards what had happened right before I hit the stage. Oh, totally. Oh, it's not your fault. Yeah, it's never your fault, bro. I'm not into whatever, but like, it was rough. I'm not going to lie. How long you been on stand-up comedy?

This was my second time. Your second time ever. So you've only done Kill Tony. I've only done Kill Tony. You've only done two sets. You've done two minutes. When was the last time you did it before? For episode 499, this was roughly what?

Three weeks ago? Yeah. Yeah. Do you really want to do this? Is that what you want to do? I mean, honest man, I've always wanted to be a comedian, but I didn't have the balls to do it. Five, like a five-minute open mic set to me seems intimidating, more intimidating than this. And I figured, man, if I'm going to fucking bomb up, I'll bomb here on Kill Tony.

Why not? Yeah. Well, maybe you should try to do good. This whole other approach that you could have. I'm trying. I'm trying. Why don't you go bomb it open mics and do good here? I got it open mics though.

Well, here's the thing. You can't just do it twice. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Because it's just too hard. And when you're doing it twice and both times you're doing it, you're doing it from the whole world. Yeah.

Like, not the whole world's not going to watch, but they could. Yeah. They all could. I get it. That's crazy, right? Yeah. You shouldn't be starting out like that. Yeah.

It shows a terrible idea. I'm a big fan of it. But it's also like, I don't want to jump, do flips with a dirt bike. I think what it was is like, I figured I can put together a minute, you know? But can you? Yeah. Let them decide. Here's the thing, man.

You can't do it that way. There's no way. Understood. It's like, I want to run marathons. Well, do you run at all? No, I'm saving myself. Right. Same for me.

I only do it for the one time. I've only run 26 miles in a row. That's what you just said. I've only run twice in my life. It was for 60 seconds each and a few weeks in between. No, I only watch on the internet. I watch the open mics. My intention is to get the open mics.

It's too hard, man. Anybody in this room that's a professional that's gone on stage, we had to do it the first time ever on this stage. It's the hardest environment on earth. There's people behind you that's very weird. Like, we're behind you talking shit and you're up here like this. And all these people and the internet. It's terrible.

Get out of here, man. Don't do this. What's the funniest thing you've ever done, like in your life, where you made a bunch of people laugh or your coworkers, or what do you do for work? I work in a warehouse. Okay, there you go. Perfect opportunity to make a bunch of people laugh. What'd you do?

I don't know. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head. How about your family? Anything with your family? Do you remember making your family laugh or perhaps a classroom of students? I just have an act for students. I don't like the way this prosecutor is interrogating my witness. Thank you, Joe.

We're trying to get to the bottom of this case. Objection leading. You're putting a lot of pressure on him. Answer the question. I can't. I can't think of one thing. As your attorney, I advise you to tell him to go fuck himself. Outrageous behavior.

Objection. Imagine you being on stage the second time ever. All of them are on the internet. Hey, this is what he signs up for. I understand. But in all bullshit aside, you just got to do open mic nights, man. Yes, sir. You got to get out and just go do them everywhere.

Every time you can. And even if you don't want to do it, you're like, oh my god, there's five people here. I can't do this. Do it. Keep doing it. And eventually you look back and laugh. Or not. That can happen too.

It's like everything. It's hard, but it can be done. When you bought that hat, did you think you were going to have magical comedian powers? Because it works for Joe. Bro, you shitting up my hat while you're wearing a fucking cowboy hat. Little radicals hat is what the comedian hat is. Only comedians wear that hat. Fuck you, man.

It's like when you see a baseball player right here, Tony, a hard batting helmet on. It's like, oh, that guy's about to go to bat. It's comedians and aging punk rockers. When we did that at the end of the world party and Bill Burr said it was a paper boy. What did you say? Little radicals hat. I never heard that. That's hilarious.

The imagery is crazy because it's such a mirror image. You were talking about farting during yourselves like this is a Mexican red band. And here we are. Yeah. It's brown band. Noe Lopez. What does the word Noe mean? It's such a rare name.

What the fuck are you talking about? Noe. That's a normal Mexican name. Oh, it is. Piece of shit. I'm back. Trying to get some virtue. It's a biblical name.

What? It's Noah. Like in the Bible, the Spanish translation, it's Noe is Noah, but it's pronounced Noe. Okay. So you're named after Noah, basically. Yeah. I have to fix that boat. Yeah.

Exactly. Mexican is the only people that can name the kid Jesus. Yeah. That's true. Imagine if you're like a regular white guy, even if you love Jesus. But they don't. They name him Jesus. You can't name your fucking kid Jesus.

They're like... Nah, I can't do it. But if you're Mexican, they're like, how do you say it? How about you? Do you have any special skills or talents? I am actually a musician and I have a reggae band. I play piano, guitar, bass and drums. I do it decently.

Are you better at that than comedy? I am, man. Probably. I would say I'm pretty good. But you know that you can do that. So if you got better at that, you can get better at comedy. It's the same thing. It's like anything you do, whether you're doing music or art or...

It's just how much time do you spend trying to analyze what you're doing wrong? You sing? Oh, shit. I sing my songs. Yeah. We sing Happy Birthday to Tony as if he's John F. Kennedy, you're Marilyn Monroe. No, no, no. Don't do that.

Please, please. Come on, man. No, don't do it. It's your 500th episode. No, I don't want him to sound like Marilyn Monroe. Happy Birthday, Mr. President. I want to see him. I want to hear him sing in his real voice.

I want to see if this guy's good at anything. Happy Birthday. Now you're getting mean. I know. Yeah, I'm about to get mean. I'm appealing to the 10% of you that's gay and you're getting uncomfortable. Happy Birthday to... Do it.

It's not even my birthday. I think it's 500 episodes. Come on. Him doing his best Marilyn Monroe impression. No, I want to hear him sing a song that you actually wrote. Why are you trying to kill all the fun, Tony? God damn it. Sing me Happy Birthday like Marilyn Monroe, you piece of shit.

I want to sit around there. God damn it. Now do it. As your attorney, I won't let him talk to you this way. I advise you to use the fifth. Sing a fucking song, Noe Lopez. Sing fucking anything. Can I use your band?

Yeah, do whatever you want. Oh my god, we're getting down right now. I feel like Noe is going to blow us away and we're going to say stop with the comedy. Oh, here he goes. What is happening? Noe! La la la la la bomba. Oh shit, it is.

Oh, that was strong. Noe's legit. Please, please. Lord knows I try. Wow, look at that. Noe, guess who never gets to do stand-up comedy again? Noe, listen man, you need a guidance counselor. I'm going to be your guidance counselor.

You're a fucking great musician. The fact that that just came out of nowhere, you didn't prepare for that. We just talked to you and then all of a sudden you grabbed the guitar. That was a beautiful moment, man. That was fun. I wrote that, that's my song. That was a beautiful moment. That was very cool.

You could literally ask anybody if you should stop being a musician and become a stand-up comedian and everyone would say Noe. Noe, Noe, Noe. There he goes everybody. The stylings of Noe Lopez. His second ever comedy set. First time playing music on this show. That was pretty cool.

How cool was that moment? How amazing is this band? John Dees on the keys. D-Madness. Michael Gonzalez. Uh oh, Kaylee. Oh shit, the yellow rose and the red rose. Partner clubs.

There she is. A stone cold assassin. Zack Bogus just got fired. Who did? Zack who? You will never see Zack Bogus again. It's our helper. Seriously, check out the yellow rose and the red rose.

Yeah, check out these hats they gave us. Titty 69. Fuck yeah. Let's get another one up here. Here we go. Zack Stanktoe Robbins. Uh oh. Homie's got a nickname.

Stanktoe is in the house. This is interesting. Look who's over there painting also. Oh yeah, Chris Rogers Art. There he is. The local Austin artist. Yeah, he's painting in the... Follow him on the Instagram.

Close friend of the band. Chris Rogers Art at Chris Rogers Art. Yep. And how often does he do this? Almost every show and he does every secret show also. Last night? Yeah. And then he sells the painting at the end.

You know, it's really great. He did Bernie McClash. Not to be confused with Ryan J. E. Belt who draws all the tour posters and every episode of the show for six years. We got Zack Stanktoe. There's so much art going on, man. Yeah.

And here comes the arts. Ladies and gentlemen, going all the way around. Okay, that's not the right way. Zack Stanktoe Robbins, everybody. One more time for Zack. Yeah, my friends do call me Stanktoe. And even though I'm called Stanktoe, I'm not in the feet.

So the only toes I suck on are camel toes. It's true, it's happened before. You ever have a girl ask you for a dick pic and so later you're scrolling through your phone and have to look at your own ugly ass penis? It's like gross. I'm just kidding. Nobody has to see my dick.

I just keep sending it anyway. Y'all ever see a grown ass man and everywhere he goes he has a fucking backpack on? Yeah, that dude's either autistic or he sells drugs. And if he's not autistic, me and that motherfucker are going to the ATM machine later. She got in that bag, bro.

There he is. Zack Stanktoe Robbins has arrived at the show. Zack, you've been on this show before as well, correct? Yeah, March 1st about five weeks ago. We had a lot of fun, right? I sure as fuck did. Yeah, what happened? Remind me. I did eight jokes in one minute.

Y'all told me to slow down. We found out my wife left, you know. Oh, yeah. I love you-know. And then the younger... You know after something crazy like that. My younger girlfriend also dumped me recently within six months.

All these women leaving you for a guy that sucks on camel toes. You would think you'd be able to keep them around a little bit longer. When you say you suck on camel toes, do you mean because a camel toe is very famously an indentation like under through the pants?

Oh, I know what it is. So you suck on vaginas through pants? That's a really good question. I'm just not into feet, so those are the only toes I'm into, I guess. But first of all, it's singular. It's a camel toe. No girl has camel toes

unless you're sucking on multiple girls' camel toes through the outside of their pants. Technically, once you lose the pants there's no more camel toe. That's just a pussy. It must be the dry humping of eating pussy there. Do you hear what he's saying to you, though?

Like there's wisdom in his words. You just gotta take it in and go, oh, I see what I'm doing wrong. Yeah. Yeah. You're supposed to take the wrapper off the burrito. I get it. Hey, there you go.

That's not bad right there. There you go, you're good there. Now you're on the right track. Yeah. Now we're all comfortable and everybody's laughing together. Yeah. This is real important.

100%. This is a big part of the formula. Once you remove that wrapper off those burritos, I bet the ladies don't leave you quite as much. Once you start eating actual pussy instead of their fucking zipper. Chippin' all your teeth. My man's driving a car from the roof.

Zach, what do you do for work? You seem like a guy that has a real job. I do. I'm a professional videographer for sports, music, and comedy. Oh, cool. I filmed Stevo's comedy special right here on the stage. Oh, he got you high and here we are.

That's what happened. He was sober. Yeah, he's sober. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up? Four months now. Four months. What made you want to start now?

I just actually wish I would have done a long time ago. How nervous are you now compared to regular life? I mean, I'm pretty comfortable on stage. Right now? I've been hitting shitloads of mics. But you seemed to get more comfortable when we were talking to you. And then when we were going back and forth,

then it was real fun, right? Relaxing that. You've got to figure out how to get there immediately. Right. Right when you get on stage. You've got to be who you are, when you're with your friends, and everybody's laughing.

You can get there, but it's complicated, right? But this is the worst environment ever for it. I'm the worst spokesperson for Kill Tony ever. I'm like, don't do it. This is terrible. You doing stand-up? I'm just trying not to move my feet like last time,

because Sarah was like, you're Crip Walking up here. It's distracting. You Crip Walk? No, I just kept moving my feet last time. Yeah, he was very, very nervous. Tell us something interesting about your life that we didn't find out last time you were on. I forgot to mention that I used to smoke heroin for breakfast

for about five years. Oh. That's why you're eating camel toes. I get it. It's like one molecule off. Do you ever shoot it up or just smoke it? Smoking and snorting, I never really shot up. When you say you never really shot up,

when you say you never really, because I never really shot up. You've never shot up. But I would never say that I never really shot up. I would say I've never shot up. That's like, I've never really sucked a dick. It was this fucking crazy day. I don't want to get into it.

I never sucked a dick because he still had his pants on. Yes! Hey, there you go. Team, right there, man. There it is. That's it. That's the spot you want to get to more often. Hell yeah.

That is it. That's very funny, dude. Three years, two months, and a week and a half sober, though, so that's good. I love it. Congratulations. Well, there you go. That's the rest of the explanation.

We have good news for you. Heroin sober. Okay, we have a heated... Oh, you're heroin sober? Yeah, it's like California sober. What does that mean? Do you smoke weed? I don't do heroin, but...

Do you smoke weed? I do. How much weed? Do you eat it? Do you eat it? Yeah, I'm pretty sure... If you eat weed, bet you are not sober.

Do you eat weed? Yeah, yeah. I actually smoke so much weed. Edibles don't do that much to me. They all say that until you give them the right dose. I mean... You ever take weed and... You ever take weed and heat it up on a spoon and then inject it into your veins?

Jesus. Ouch. I got some dabs in my truck. I mean, that's the correct word. Because I never really have done that. You never really shot up? Did you really shoot up? You don't want to hear the truth?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I never straight shot it into my veins, but I did like insulin and like would do the butt cheek, but I also didn't like needles around, so I just quit doing it. When you did that, how did it make you feel? Highest fuck. But I also snorted it and smoked it and shot. Why are you so defensive about these injections?

Because he wants another hit. Yeah, you're getting them itchy, bro. I got money. You ever do anything crazy to get your fix for heroin? Fix, by the way, is the official sponsor of the band, Fix Vodka. That's right. But you ever do anything crazy to get your fix? You ever, you know, suck a dick with the pants on?

Like tell yourself you're not going to do drugs today, and then you kind of black out, and then you wake up at the pawn shop with your base amp, like 30 bucks is 50 bucks, bro. All right. Is there anything that helps you stay sober? I just came out and told my friends and family, and they're holding me accountable.

I also know that I won't get to smoke the weed and drink beer if I relapse again, and it's all I got, man. I love it. That's sort of a good way of looking at it. It seems like you're flying in the face of all those 12-step people. I never even went to one meeting. Isn't that interesting? There's other ways to do it, then. That's what you're saying.

I was also trying to quit on my own. I didn't want to do it anymore. I was starting to not pay bills. I was about to lose my career, and I have an awesome job. I was like, no. Well, good for you, man. Good for you. You did it. Obviously, when you get loose, all bulls should decide before you move on to the next person.

When you get loose, you're very funny. You're funny. We had a good time, right? 100%. It's hard, dude. This is not the way to do it. Kill Tony is a terrible way to start up. The first time we've done a guess. I love this show. I couldn't be wrong. Very special episode tonight.

Very fucking special. I love watching Bull Riders. I'm happy to be here. Thank you. I watch Bull Riders a lot. Zach, what's really interesting is that you were just on the show a few weeks ago, and you clearly are. I mean, we were making fun of you, moving your feet a lot, fidgeting continuously already.

Whatever happened to you up here a few weeks ago at Antones mentally changed you. You're much calmer, more comfortable. Yeah, Jamar Neighbors heckled the fuck out of me, bro. He did what? Jamar Neighbors heckled the fuck out of me. It was great. Yeah, you probably deserved it.

I didn't say my jokes were lit. There you go, Zach Stanktoe Robbins. Everybody is on Instagram at Stanktoe Claruso. There he goes. That's a good example. Don't you think? Yeah. A good example of a person.

Guys, how about a big hand for Kaylee, everyone? Look at this. You know what, before we go back to the bucket, let's get another regular up here. You guys want to see another regular on Kill Tony? Ladies and gentlemen, this guy. Absolute brilliant joke writer, brilliant roaster. Ladies and gentlemen, he's here,

all the way from Los Angeles, California. Another big bonus for you. It's the great David Lucas, everybody. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah, what's up, y'all? I do intermittent fasting now. I don't eat until 2 p.m.,

but the problem is I wake up at 1.50. I start eating within 10 minutes of waking up. Ain't that a bitch? I've been watching a lot of motivational videos. I watch Eric Thomas, who's like the black Tony Robbins. And motivational videos never give you thorough instructions. Like, Eric Thomas gets on YouTube every morning. He's like, you got to wake up at 5 a.m.

5 a.m. is the magic number. You got to get up at 5 a.m. And then I wake up at 5 and I'm like, nigga, what's next? Like, should I fucking cook? Like, should I make some eggs and bacon? Like, nigga, you didn't give me no thorough instructions. Like, you just told me to wake up at 5. I guess I'll watch this video tomorrow.

All right, guys, thank you. Yeah, David Lucas. Yeah. The veteran of the game. Yeah, man. Here he is, episode 500. Wait, can I just say when you guys face off when they're rubbing on the show?

You guys are like, looking at each other like two dudes at a weigh-in. Here we go, bitch. Ready? You ain't ready? It is. Luckily for David, this is not a weigh-in. Hey, Tony dressed like he about to do stand-in work for Brokeback Mountain 2.

Oh, my God. You look like you're about to do stand-in work You look like you're about to do work for Broke Knees Mountain. Look at this guy. Yeah, yeah, get your Indiana Mike Jones-lick-a-dazzle body. You dress like you're about to shoot up insulin. Got a new blazer? Tony, you work at a wrench.

You help horses get a hard dick. You totally ignored my blazer setup. Fuck that blazer setup, baby. Where'd you go to get that big and fat? I love it, though. They match the shoes. You truly are colored coordinated. Race is solid.

It's a 2022 joke coming out a little bit early. It's like a car. Sometimes car models come out before they should. It's a 2022 right there. The only horse you ride is a gay nigga dressed up as one. Your style of roasting is my absolute favorite. Just straight-up funny shit, not necessarily smart at all. Just straight fucking funny.

Like I'm riding a guy dressed like a horse. But then again, honestly, the funny thing is that was almost how the episode tonight started. I almost had people wear one of those double horse outfits. It was pitched. It was pitched in the writer's room. Y'all can't see him, but Tony got on chaps with nothing under it. The only thing chapped on you are your elbows.

I'm not telling you. This is not a joke. A real gun slinger tonight. The kid's the undisputed king. Is that a pistol filled with glitter and toenail clippings? When Tony shoot that pistol, the word pow pops out. Oh my god, David. Welcome to episode 500.

Another rock solid minute. Another fun time. What else is happening? Shit, bro. Just been chilling in Austin, you know what I'm saying? Finally found a place I'ma move to. Look at that, moving to Austin. Hello.

Absolutely. He did. He's moving to a table at Matt's All Rancho. Finally found a place. Table 39. Tony's complain about Austin is that too many people lead a toilet seat up. That's actually true.

I've been yelping a lot of places. I fall in every time. I don't have to. Not all of us. Not all of us are physically impossible to fall into a toilet. You can't even slide it into a bathtub how I fall into a toilet. David just dips his feet in it. Tony, your skinny ass, you look like you take baths and shot glasses.

You fall in the toilet seat with the toilet seat down also. Yeah, it's true. It's true. It's very easy for me. And the weird thing is that that's just when I'm standing up peeing. I just dive in. Like I just straight just, that doesn't make any sense. If you stand up and pee, you get charged with a misdemeanor.

Whatever. David, what have you been doing in town? What have you been eating? Anything good? It's by the way, you are gaining weight, I must say. It's one of my favorite things. If you're wondering what it's like being me and watching friends that I make fun of gain weight, it's like you checking your

GameStop stock to find out you're rich. I love it. It means business is booming. You just keep gaining, David. No one wants to make fun of a skinny David Lucas. Fuck, though. Fuck, though. Hell, though.

I ate at a couple of, I ate at that QI restaurant. I don't know how you say it. It's an Asian restaurant. Q, Chi, Ki. Yeah, there you go. And I ate at an Asian spot right here on 6th Street. It's like Wuhan or some shit. Wuchao.

Wuchao. Wuchao. Oh, there we go. Yeah. That's my friend CK's place. Today? Yes. Wuchao's the shit.

Oh, my God. It's amazing Chinese food. Wuchao's legit. Yeah, that's shit. Good, bro. Did finally find my new favorite pizza place in Austin. It's called, I think it's a Via 313. Is that a thing?

Wow. Okay. Austin has some fucking amazing food. Oh, yeah. That is absolutely true. Yeah. That's undeniable. There might be more good restaurants in Austin than there on LA.

I agree. Totally agree. I swear to God. That's not bullshit. I already have my two favorite sushi places are near. Sushi, ATX, number one. I want to rile up people in LA, but fuck you, man. Oh, yeah.

I'm positive. I'm positive Austin has better food than LA. And I lived in LA for 14 years, and I've lived here for what, three or four months, and I'm positive this place has better food. More butter and cheese also. Everything tastes better. It's just, you guys have a fucking dope city. Yeah.

You really do. You have a crazy city. It's true. It was a no brainer moving here. And you're right. There's a lot of butter, a lot of cheese, a lot of salt, and that's just David Lucas. I love it, David. So you're moving here.

Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Hey, what's up, Shawty? Oh, shit. Wow. That was beautiful. There was no pause between her and him.

Yeah. I got the white girls on lock in Austin. Oh, shit. Damn. What do you do? What do you do? Look through their drive-thru window? Just peeking through.

That was good. I like that one. Real peeping slob. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. What else, David?

Anything else before we let you go? That's about it. I've just been doing shows. Did the Death Squad show? It was lit. Joe was up there. You was up there. Red Man was up there.

Killed it. That's about it, bro. Going to... What water hole am I going to tomorrow? I'm going to... Sculpture Falls tomorrow. Oh, shit. How did you know where he's going?

That's my boy up there. You're going to a watering hole? Yeah. Man, you're more like an elephant than I thought. Thank you, God. Thank you, God, for that one. What a setup. Out of all the years I've seen you,

this might be your crowning moment. What a setup. This night might be Tony Hinchcliffe's crowning moment. Bro, no bullshit. I think this is a set where if I saw this in a movie, I'd be like, shut the fuck up. That's all I'm going to do. This is a set where if I saw this in a movie,

I'd be like, shut the fuck up. That all... That shit didn't just come out of nowhere. They scripted that. They're like 50 writers. What are you going to do with the watering hole, though? Seriously, what's your pick? Swim.

You're going to swim? I can swim. Oh, my God. I thought you were talking about a bar. When you said the watering hole, I'm like... Jetski Johnson. Are we in cowboy days? You and your white girl are going to look like

Timon and Pumbaa out there. You and your white girl look like Timon and Pumbaa. What is Timon and Pumbaa? Lion King never heard of it. I didn't know the reference. It's with the Lion King. You think I watched that bullshit? Watch it.

Believe me, I love it. The Lion King? Probably won't. You've never seen the Lion King? Oh, no. What? What am I, a baby? No.

Holtzman's favorite movie. Joking. This guy's heckling me from the back. One of the guitarists doesn't get what's going on. I'm joking. David. I have to watch the fucking Lion King. I have kids.

Right, right. But I'm like, where's his dick? What are we doing? We're pretending they talk and they don't have dicks? What is this? Right. What are you teaching my kids? Everybody dies.

There's no blood. No one has a dick. What are we doing? That's the number one thing you do. Where are they getting their food? The fuck are you showing my children? So would you want them to have dicks? Yes!

Big fat dicks. They're lions. They're killing water buffaloes with their face. So did they just watch it before? All right, all right. Don't lions only fuck for like 90 seconds? It's not that long, but they do it a lot. They can fuck 52 times in a day.

Yeah. When the female tiger is in season, the male tiger will fuck her 52 times a day. Lions is like slightly less. Okay, so it's just not realistic enough for you. In general. The Lion King. The Lion King.

Thank you. You understand where I'm coming from, right? It's fake. It's a cartoon. No, I watched it, but you know, I have to talk to my kids afterwards. They're going to listen, liberals want to pretend that the world is not exactly what it is.

They're soft people. They live in soft little houses. They nerf every fucking corner. They're not going to make it. Shit gets weird. They're not going to make it. My kids crying. I'm like, I know you're four,

but one day this is going to make sense. David Lucas. You did it again. Another brand new killer minute. A lot of fun roasting. Unbelievable. David Lucas, everybody. Monster.

Another one moving to Austin. Austin, Texas. It's a really big deal. No bullshit, Tony. The two of you together should be on a fucking, you should be doing that like everywhere. Yeah. Because I don't know if you will run dry.

No. You guys talk so much shit to each other. Oh yeah. I don't know if you'll run dry. Every time something new happens in the news, I ask myself, how can I turn this into a fat joke about David Lucas? And when I figured out that DMX one,

I mean, I'm serious. I purposefully didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell anybody because I wanted there to be no way that I could ruin it. Your next comedian goes by the name of Adam Kamal. K-A-M-A-L. This is exciting. Adam Kamal.

I wonder if he's coming from the audience. I like it when they come from the crowd. There's an alleyway filled with, I think, I don't know, 20, 30 comedians that couldn't get a ticket because their thumbs aren't as quick as yours on the internet. There's an odd sense of chaos in this room. Yeah. Right?

Like this could all go sideways. Oh yeah. Episode 500. I feel like if we never... Here he comes. One more time for Adam Kamal. What the fuck is up, guys? Hell yeah, hell yeah.

I'm Middle Eastern and I think wearing a beard is a good look. I often like to compare it with a flannel, too. A lot of my friends like to call me a Middle Eastern lumberjack. The thing about calling me a Middle Eastern lumberjack is that instead of cutting trees down, you know, we cut down towers instead. Listen, dude, listen, okay? I drink beer, I eat pork, I have unprotected sex.

A part of you, all right? Like lumberjacks, you know what they do? They harvest wood and, you know, they make trees that or they make paper out of it. They fucking make furniture out of it. You might be thinking, what if terrorists get out of fucking bombing towers, right? Well, we're just building a funnel and pipeline

filled with ripe hymens. I'm talking 72 virgins in heaven. You know what I mean? Like God has a promotion for you. All right, that's my time, guys. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Adam, come on.

This is fucking crazy, dude. Yeah. This is insane. Joe Rogan, 59 seconds in your set, Joe Rogan pulled out a joint and said, I think I need to get high. It was a very sobering. I need a refresh.

Yeah. That set was truly an act of terrorism. I mean, that was you have hijacked the show and you've locked the captain out of the cabin. It appears. Welcome to the show, Adam. Come on. I'm guessing you cut that last name short.

Yeah. So my original last name is Abu Hartia, which means father of Hartia. Jesus Christ. When you cut your name short, did you do it by beheading it sideways with a sword? I sharpened a knife before, too. Okay.

Okay, go ahead. What does your last name mean? It just means father Abu and Hartia. I come from a farming family from Bethlehem. Oh, wow. Bethlehem. Yes, sir. The birthplace of?

Jesus. Right. You ever go? Allegedly. Allegedly. You ever go back there and see Jesus stuff? I've been to Jordan. I kind of grew up all over.

The closest I've been to the Middle East is just living in Dubai. But aside from that, yeah, I've never really been over there. Okay. Yeah. Be visited Jordan. Yes, sir. Right. Yeah.

Named after the great Montell Jordan. Yeah. Those are the good donuts. Friday night, and I feel all right. Yeah. What kind of car do you drive? I imagine you drive like a really nice car and have like a tiger. Like Honda with a fat muffler.

And a tiger in the back seat or something. I do drive a Honda Civic. Whoa. Calder. Hell yeah. Just go. No, I'm okay with myself, you know. You're okay with yourself?

Yeah. So what are you saying? Asian people have an issue with the Hondas, with the mufflers? Yo, I did live in Asia and all I could, you just see like the whole continent. Yeah. I lived in Kuala Lumpur. Did you have a specific spot? What?

Kuala Lumpur. Ah, all right. Yeah. We don't really consider that Asia. You know what I mean? That's like the Hawaii of Asia. It's more like a resort, right? Yeah.

Right? Isn't it very nice there? No, it's nice. It's like a vacation spot. People come over there. There's no fucking diseases breaking out in laboratories there. It's not real Asia. I mean, that's not fucking the heartland.

No, no. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm in sales. What are you selling? I sell like any...

Coke? I wish. You wish? We can make it happen. We'll talk after the show, all right? No, I do... We sell IV drips, hyperbarics, things like that. You sell IV drips?

Yeah. How do you do that on the street? I wish. Like, hey, man, how's your energy level? Hey, man, we're eco-friendly. We reuse the needles, you know? But no... No, basically I work for a company.

I just develop a bunch of stores around the country, and we just help people do a bunch of stuff that Joe Oregon likes, you know? Jesus, dude. Yeah? I mean, what the... I'm sitting right here. Adam, do you have any special skills or talents? Anything you do for fun other than stand up like a hobby,

something you got good at? Um... I mean, I just work out and, like, I just try to make money on the side. You work out and make money on the side? Yes, sir. What the fuck? Are you a gay hooker? Kind of answers that.

What do you mean you work out and make money on the side? I mean, um... What do you do for fun? What are you good at? I go out. You know, I do comedy. What are you good at going out? Yeah, you know?

Yeah. Most of the times, dudes go out and they don't know what they're doing. You like dance? You dance? They're just tripping in the fucking streets. You go to, like, nightclubs and dance? No, I just like bars, like, live music, stuff like that. So when live music's playing, you don't dance?

Any kind of live music? A little bit? You want to dance a little bit? Let's see what his dancing's like. I want to see some good old Middle Eastern dancing. That's it. You guys got something dialed up for our friend, Adam...

Adamac... Adamac Bar. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Oh, that was it. I was waiting for you to pull the fuse out or something like that. Right, right.

Just end the show in a bang, right? Pull the fuse out? Yeah, it didn't make sense. I thought it was a tampon joke. Light a fuse or... Yeah. You guys couldn't see, but the stripper is going crazy backstage. I thought it was a tampon joke.

Light a fuse or... Yeah. You guys couldn't see, but the stripper is going crazy backstage. Damn it. Adam, what are your parents like? As opposed to what? Your parents very, like, reserved, very religious people. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, yeah, I had to come out here just to kind of, like, open up, be more kind of just open-minded about stuff. Is there any joke with, like, Adam? No. Yeah, I mean... All of them. My parents didn't really accept me, like, doing comedy until I got, like, a full-time job. You know, they kind of just, like, laugh at you.

I just, like, how Faheem said he was, like, an engineer, and, like, his dad wasn't really approving of it. Same thing for us. It's kind of, like, hard getting out of that, but aside from that, yeah, they're just starting to, like, open up more to it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What's the best time you've ever had on stage?

Has there been, like, one time where it all came together and it made sense? Yeah, man, I just moved here. I started in Dallas. I've been doing it for nine months. And I had a show at Hyena's, and I just, like, I had a pretty shitty week, and I just fucking did really well, and, like... Got in the groove. Yeah, yeah.

I ran, like, a couple of miles before the show. I felt great. Went on there. Had a lot of good energy, and, you know, I just... It felt great. It felt good, so... Even if you're lying to me, I like what you're saying. It's like I ran miles before the show.

He might have just did a couple of setups and went, yeah. Love it, Adam. Well, nine months in the game, you're Middle Eastern, you're talking about it, you're fucking doing it, you cut your name shorter so that you sound more Americanized, and it surprises people when you come up, and you're all like, la, la, la, la, la, la, or whatever it was that you did up here, and... Tony. That's exciting stuff, Adam.

I'm gonna need a red band buffer between you and me from now on. I sit on the other side. Adam, fun times, man. Congratulations on getting pulled. We'll see you again soon. There goes Adam Kamal, everybody. There you go. Your next comedian's gonna be Justin Sanford.

Well, the mic's getting clean. Justin Sanford. That's right. Follow Kaylee, by the way. You can go see her at the Yellow Rose. Sometimes the Red Rose. Red Rose. At the Red Rose.

Follow her on social media at kaylee.funk73. K-A-Y-L-I-E.funk.73. How about a hand for Kaylee, everybody? Helping us out. Somebody's gotta do it. Much better her than Zach Bogus. Justin Sanford is still next on Kill Tony. Hopefully he's making his way to the stage.

This is a really big venue. How about a big hand for the band, everyone? Playing hard for us here tonight. Michael Gonzalez, Jetski Johnson, D-Madness, John Dees, and Matt Mueling. Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. They coming up right there from the audience. There he is.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Justin Sanford, everyone. How's everyone doing? Stopped to get a haircut on the way here, but my barbershop wasn't open. So I had to go to the Puerto Rican barbershop down the road. And I'm from Texas. I speak Spanish, but I don't know what language they were speaking.

So finally getting the chair, telling them I want a low fade. I was there for about an hour and 45 minutes. The haircut only took 45 minutes, but he was driving me like I was that 96-must-thing that he had a parking lot. You know the one with the little Puerto Rican flag. So sitting there grinding through my head, shifting gears, not hitting the clutch,

grinding second, third, missed forward, put it in reverse. I was like, hey, man, we're not in a rush. Calm down. So 45 minutes done, but for the next hour, he stands there spinning me around, stepping back, looking at me, the razor blade,

hiding, coming back. Finally, he steps outside, has him open the door and lights a cigarette, looks at me, comes in and goes, okay, pop up from here up. You're good from here down. I can't help you. All right, Justin Sanford,

setting it up and then knocking it down at the end. Welcome. You look like you just got off a bus from Miami. Thank you. All right. Port Arthur. You always dress like that? You always dress like you're like,

own step son or something? Yes, sir. He looks like he's like inmate one, the unexpected COVID-19 release. Well, they sent a bunch of people back out in the streets. Yeah, you got neck tattoos. I can see them from here. Do you like that?

That looks like inmate shit. What do your neck tattoos say? What do you got on you? Paraclipers. Oh, you're a barber? Slash barber slash tattoo removal. Okay. Slash.

You just remove tattoos. Slash, what else? Hey, whatever, bro. Can we keep going with that? No, I don't want to. People are hustling. How's business going right now in the barber tattoo removal world? Pretty good.

Yeah, good. You're here in Austin? Yeah, standing at the Stephen F. Austin hotel right here in the corner. Okay, where do you normally live? Port Arthur, Texas. Port Arthur, Texas. Now, tell us something about Port Arthur. I keep learning about all these puns.

I mean, get us Joplin's from there, Bumbi. Joplin's from there? Yes, sir. Damn. My wife has a tattoo of her on her arm. I like you more now. Yeah. And you probably got to see her live, right?

No, man. I'm not that damn old. How dare you? It's fun. It's only fun for me to make fun of a guy for being old if he dresses young. You know what I mean? Like if he dressed his age, I wouldn't even be doing these. How old are you?

38. Whoa, 38. Let's talk about your recent meth addiction. Let's do it, bro. Let's be honest, man. You've done some partying. Either that or you have been stressed for 36 years. Are you the president?

My kids, my kids say I'm permanently angry, but I just have no serotonin, I don't think. Really? Is that what it is? You were never like really a party animal? I partied a little bit. You don't, you don't have, wait a minute. You don't have any serotonin? Yeah.

Naturally. How do you know this? Talking to Mike. How do I know it? Yes. I smoke too much. So, you know, it doesn't make it naturally. I have to get it from that.

No. Are you going to a doctor? No, I don't have no insurance, man. So where is this serotonin diagnosis coming from? Jesus? Yeah, nah. Just listening to shit, you know. Podcasts?

Don't do it. A lot of you. Bro, podcasts are bullshit. Don't do that. How many kids do you have? Four. Four kids. Oh, shit, dude.

What are their ages? 12 to 16. Do you have any kids that are older than you? No. I need to know. Because I'm trying to piece this puzzle together with tricks. You have four kids? Yes.

And you said 12 and 16? 12, 2, 6, 13, 14, 15, 16. Whoa, you went on a rampage. No cable. Your condom budget ran out or something, huh? Four years. I started paying for the cable booth. Jesus Christ, bro.

You look like that. You should start coming on your face. What happened? Rubbing it into your skin or something like that. Red band. Wait a minute. It's not a bad idea. No.

That's what's fucked up about all of red band suggestions. You go, what? Wait a minute. It's like little scrubbing bubbles. Does that work? Like, if it worked, if it worked, if it really worked, if it could turn Clint Eastwood into Chris Pratt, you don't think Clint Eastwood would occasionally jack off into his own face?

You know what he could do. Which I believe is sort of how some medicines are made. Perhaps you can have your kids. Actually, you know what? Forget it. But if you knew that jerk it off in your own face and make you younger, how often would you do that? Every day.

Every day. There you go. That's what's up. That's what's real. Sacrifices. Just rub your jizz in your face and go cut men's hair. Jetski Johnson. But is red band suggesting it because he does it?

Because I think that's a good thing we should know too. Good question. Red band, do you rub your own jizz in your face? No. But you know, if it's been a couple of days and it starts doing the sprinkler things, a couple of times it's hit me in the cheek and I've rubbed it in just to see, you know, sprinkler things. It's not working for red bands.

I don't know. I don't know what you just said. Red bands pretending like his load is so powerful that it's sprinkled everywhere. Has it done that? Like it doesn't. Wait, hold on a second. Like it's not a sad, vomiting soul for it. You're just going through a bunch of shit that fits.

That's how your cum comes out like a volcano. It just runs over the edge. Yours has a poop worm that comes out first. What the fuck are you talking about? This is an amazing workplace argument that we're all getting to witness. The lens of stand-up comedy. They talk about their loads. Red band just comes Wendy's ketchup.

Justin, you have any special skills or talents you ever perform on stages and do anything? Never performed on stage before. Wow. How about anything else? You good at anything? You seem like a bowling or anything like that? I mean, I can roll one hand. You can roll a joint one-handed?

Really? Let's see. Yeah, let's see it. Can you do it right now? Got a paper. Rolling papers? Probably. Anybody have any rolling papers by now?

I got a $500 bill. That's okay. As soon as I learned that other people will roll joints, I stopped learning. Yeah. Yep. Because everybody's like, you know how to roll a joint? I can figure it out. It's not like driving a manual.

Have you done one recently though where you could still make it but it just looks so sad? If you give people more money, they just do it for you. You don't have to do that. That's so stupid. You roll your own cigars, bro. You talk about having low serotonin. What in the world makes you the happiest? What are your favorite times?

Murder. Probably murder of comedians that make shit talk jokes about them. We got so high before this show. I've been trying to survive this whole time. I'm like, I'm too high to be talking in public. Different comedians have been coming up on stage. Tony looks at me sideways. Real talk.

I'm just, you know, my kids, man. You love them. Yeah. Adorable. 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16. I love it. All right, man. Well, there you are.

You're out there doing it. You still with the baby mama? Uh, three. One's up there. You got one here. Wait, three baby mommas? The one I've been with 16 years is here, yes. Wow, you have three different baby mamas

in four kids, 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16. Wow. Whatever, whatever. Oh, God, you're such a hater. Now it's starting to make sense. This guy almost ended up with fucking four 14-year-olds. This guy was one woman away from possibly just hitting the fucking opposite of the lottery.

He's on fire. 500 goddamn episodes. It's about time I find my, uh, find my role. Remember when Comedy Central turned this show down? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Brilliant. It's like one of the funniest shows that's ever existed.

Remember Comedy Central? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. We're at Dan Nailing. It's hilarious. Welcome to Texas, bitches. Justin Sanford, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on social media at IrishMade82.

He did it. You got up. Kill Tony. Justin Sanford. Here we go. We're going to keep it rolling. This is fun. How exciting.

Speaking of fun. Whoa. Kaylee. Hey, how many of you traveled from another city to be here tonight? Damn. That is so cool. We appreciate the hell out of you.

Delicious whistle pig. Yeah. Don't forget. If you're in the vodka, drink fixed vodka. If you're in the whiskey, drink whistle pig. It's a no brainer. And if you're in the pussy, go to the red rose. Oh my God.

Okay. This is really, I don't know. How about a hand for the fucking band, ladies and gentlemen? That's a real band. That's a legit band. Nick Dopodja is next. Nick Dopodja is up next on Kill Tony. How exciting.

And that's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. John D's on the keys. D Madness on the bass guitar. And Matt Mueling on the electric. Very exciting stuff. Fucking love this band. Freak musicians. God damn Austin, Texas.

Where the hell is Nick Dopodja? Here he is, everybody. Put your hands together for Nick Dopodja. Hell yeah. Como estas, bitches? Everybody doing well tonight? Ah, fuck yeah. So this is Austin, Texas from Las Vegas.

I heard you guys have a pretty dope yoga scene. Anyone here do yoga? It fucking sucks here, dude. I know. I taught yoga for five years. You guys been to Black Swan? Fuck that place. I have to view a whole homeless shelter while I'm in like a trigonocina, man.

What the fuck is that? It's like I'm watching a view and I'm seeing some dude. And breathe. So I taught yoga for five years and a thing we get a lot is that yoga instructors sexually harass their students, which is fucked up. I don't agree with that. But if you're going to do it, you should do it in a DMX voice. Where am I down with dogs at?

Yo, where am I down with dogs at? That's my time. Thank you. There it is, Nick Dopodja. Nick, I'm going to be honest with you. I absolutely hate you. I mean, it is unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

You have good energy. You have good timing. You have good pacing. You do things well, but it's like you seem like a professional, but I just fucking hate you. I get it. Did you think that like talking about one specific yoga place, whatever the Black Swan is, you thought that was going to resonate with a bunch of podcast fans?

No, no, I just actually went there and legit while I was doing yoga, it was like people shooting up and you had a whole like tent. I was like, this is fucking interesting. I know that spot is. It is right next to a homeless camp, right? What else do you have that's funny? Because that's like people, their life fell apart. They're right next to you trying to be spiritual.

And you're like, how inconvenient. I'm out here trying to connect with the guy in mind. And you fucking losers only have one pair of underwear. That's where you're at, right? No, no. I know, but it's like, it's jokes, right? You're telling jokes, but you decided that that's going to be what you talk about. The saddest people on earth.

People that lost everything. You go, come on, I'm fucking with them. If he's not gonna drown, he's gonna swim. We have to decide now. I mean, so how are people voting in May? All right, Nick. So let's talk about it. You were on the show a couple of weeks ago at Antones.

We talked about you doing yoga. What else didn't we talk about that might be interesting? Good at anything. What about the yoga? Do you teach it? Yeah, I taught yoga for like five years. That's the problem. Yeah, you're way too into it.

All those people are listening to you. All those housewives listening to you. Stretching deeper. Holding it longer than they would, but you're telling them to. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years, yeah. The yoga thing will be the only time someone asks you to stretch.

It's a stand-up reference. That's a really inside joke. Inside baseball, but stretching means that you do longer than you're a sign set. And you gotta do this. Yeah, stretch. They say that from the sidelines. Like the next comics running later, something. The comedians are fucking irresponsible.

Drug addicts. Let's keep talking. Let's keep talking to a if Wolverine only did yoga. What else about you, Nick DePuget? Tell, give us fucking something about your life other than the fact that you fucking jump on a mat every day. I don't know, man. I do a lot of things.

I was rock climbing in Las Vegas. I got heavy into psychology and I utilized psychedelics to kind of like change my brain a bit. You said a lot of things all together that are not really related to each other. Not related? Yeah, no. They're not related at all. I'm like a space cadet. I like jump around the shit.

Okay. Psychology? Yeah, psychology. Like what do you get into? So what I was doing the yoga, I wanted to like kind of pursue psychology because I feel like there's a renaissance with like psychedelics and it could be really beneficial. So that was kind of like my original plan. I wanted to utilize my cadosing with like yoga stuff.

I fucking hate you so much. I know. I'm getting rid of you. A couple of weeks ago, this is never going to work out. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Nick Topaja. No. No, I'm moving on.

Nick Topaja, thank you. Some of these people were just on. I can't stand it. Bro, yoga is confusing. Oh, fuck him. Fuck that guy. It confuses a lot of people, Tony. Fuck that guy.

Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. God, fucking dammit, man. I almost killed myself for him at some point during that. Jesus Christ. So like after the yoga, I like microdose and I think about psychology and then I think

about the yoga and then I fucking, you know what I mean? Shut the fuck up. All right. It's just like unbelievable. It's like, go find yourself, bro. Take a chance. I pulled another name. This show is so important.

Right now in this world that we're living in, this show is so goddamn important. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Shoots or perhaps Shuts. Anything that is a shoot, I'd say. Seems like a good wrestling name, right? Jack Shoots. That's a name you don't want to listen. Oh, here he is. He's right here.

One more time for Jack Shoots, everybody. How do you say it? Shootsy. Shootsy. Come on. Make some noise for Jack Shootsy, everybody. Hi, guys. My name's Jack Shootsy.

I'm hyper self-critical, so I'll either be killing it up here or myself later. Judging by the looks of this room, I shouldn't be alone. I like making fun of suicide because those are the best of it. I have the least to say. Texans like to pretend they care about history. Texans don't care about history. I can prove it to you. Texans don't care about history because they let the coaches teach it in the portables.

Y'all been there. Y'all been there. Say, coach us here. All right, team. All right, team. Today, we're studying the rise of Rome to illustrate the year 2000 dramatic historical film Gladiator. Next week, we'll be studying the dynasty in China to illustrate the year 2000 film Gladiator.

We just passed an amazing anniversary of a really tragic accident. Kobe Bryant had his death, and we all know he went down on that helicopter. We just hope he asked for consent first. All right. Thank you. Oh, dude, you were doing so good. Yeah. Yeah.

If you just bailed. Hey, just from here from LA. Don't don't get mad. Don't get mad. Don't get mad. It's out of my hands. It was. I gotta stop.

It was so good. The only one that laughed at that Kobe joke was Kobe. He's like, ah, fucked up right there at the end. But that was a great set. I love you, Jack. How about a big hand for Jack? Thank you. You should see everybody.

It was a great set. I'm super excited. My family has a historical. We built a building across Congress from Austin, and we lost it all in the 60s. And now I'm trying to build it back up again. You lost it all in the 60s. They were a competitive company with Walmart. Walmart came in and just dropped it on the whole fucking business.

Was it called shoots? It's called tips, but not even a joke there. It was literally tips hardware. Austin, Texas. If you're from if you're 60 plus, you know it, but I think I just found the new name comedy club. Just the tips. Hey, just half a million.

We good. Oh, shit. There it is. All right. Good luck. Good luck with all that. Jack, what do you do for work? I was a chef and now I'm going to count.

What happened with the whole cooking thing? I wanted to be able to do stuff like this. And I'd be in a kitchen right now. Right. Yeah, that makes sense because it wouldn't taste good. Let's just be jokes. What do you mean? What the fuck does that mean?

I want to do something just like this. Professional chefs have to work at night. Every night. They have to work this. So they so normally you miss like all your family birthdays. This isn't funny. Let's talk about funny stuff. We'll get there.

We'll get there. You just tell us the truth and then we'll make it. We're just trying to figure out who you are. No, you said you were you used to be a chef. Yeah, but you you loved it. So trying to open my own business. I had an accounting degree met my wife. She's a CPA.

So I was like, fuck it. I'll be an accountant for a while. Now I'll try to stand up. Who knows? Who knows? What else in life? What else do you what do you and the lady do for fun? Normally go out, go out stuff like this, but since COVID.

I mean, this is, uh, I mean, we're here a lot at the Paramount. She shows comedy. Yeah, you come to the Paramount a lot. Yeah. Okay. What else? What do you want? Have you guys tried ketamine?

No, we are going too soon. We are going to soon. Big mushroom fans. You should try ketamine. Um, you know, immediately. No children yet. I've met God. If that's what you're trying to get to.

How about yoga? You ever do yoga? Only yoga on ketamine with that other dude. No, I'm sorry. You guys just scissor each other. I might look a little stiff. This is my third time performing comedy. So it's really good.

Really great for third. Get together with the last guy. He's a really good musician and figure out what you can do together. I tell more personal stuff, but it's just not long enough here. You know, it's kind of, I got a bunch of one liners that are really brutal, but, you know, you do. Wait, if you only have one arm string cheese, it's just cheese, bro. Oh, that's a good one.

Okay. I got some other ones. By the way, any joke where you have to go like this afterwards, isn't that good? Unless it is. Is it because you didn't get it or because the joke wasn't good? I'm trying to roast you like that. Don't make that noise. Oh, no.

Okay. So Jack, tell us more about you. Give us something good about your life, your family, something really interesting. What makes you different? Going from working in a restaurant to working in an office is super interesting. This isn't a joke. This is serious. Our last conversation I had in restaurants was like, well, show a hand to stuck their

finger in their ass. And then like, I go to work in an office and they're like, Oh, my daughter's working for a pharmacy. And it's like my friend's Rob pharmacies. And it's like, that's honestly shit that happens when you transition from those things. Don't you miss those people in the kitchen? I do so much. That's why I'm here.

That's why I'm here. That's why I'm here. Jack, you seem like such a genuinely good man. What's the worst thing you've ever done in your life? You serious? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely serious.

Are you serious? So I had this girlfriend on and off real, real young. First, we were a girlfriend like seventh grade around sophomore year. I had a friend and we were in PE, PE Warriors. People know what that means. PE Warriors. Hold on. Stop.

Does anyone know what that means? Only people over 60. If you're in PE, it just means like you don't have a mascot. So you're not on the team. So you're a fucking PE warrior. It doesn't matter for this fucking story, Jack. So good friend there. Good friend there.

I've never, never told anybody this. We made friends. He's online. He really loved this girl. She was my ex. And I said, fuck her. She's a comeback. She's like, she's terrible.

She'll fuck you up. He started dating her. Years later, I looked up and I was like, man, I just want to date her again. And so I stole my friend's girlfriend. How'd you do it? I just went up and was like, hey, this guy's a loser. You should date me. But he fucking is dead now.

Wow. We should definitely edit this podcast. He's dead. Everyone here. Listen to me. He wanted to know the most fucked up he asked. You were here. You're lucky.

You're a part of this thing and no one's ever going to sing. Just be happy your girlfriend don't like me. Can we be cool? Shut the fuck up. Can we be cool? Hey, hey, give me one million and I'll shut the fuck up. But he doesn't feel good about it. Can we let it go?

Give it to me, Tony. Wouldn't it be the first time there is a murderer on this show? That is true. There's been a murderer on this show before. The guy that pushed the girl up. Where's our Perth House fans at? All at once. The guy that killed Drew Carey's ex-girlfriend?

Yeah. He got pulled out of the bucket. And my jokes need references. I was interviewed by all the NBC Fox. Oh my God, that's right. Yeah, everybody, every news outlet, including like Dateline, used clips of Kill Tony. Very exciting.

It was the best press we ever got. Did they give me the act Kill Tony? No, they didn't even do that. If you were on NBC, they would, right? It's rude. I guess so. I don't know. No, it's rude.

Tony gave me a look like I'm not supposed to tell jokes here. Jesus. You look like you're not supposed to tell jokes. So you did tonight. Huh? It's cool. Hey guys, good night. There's such a great site.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Don't leave. Don't push you. I don't know, man. I liked you. I don't know if you saw. I kicked a fucking pussy-ass yoga guy out of here a minute ago.

And then here we are. We're just having a talk. Why are you panicking over there? I'm cool. A third time, man. Listen, man, you can't control the narrative. Jesus. That's true.

That's true. You think you could decide when you fucking leave? You can't control the narrative, man. That's right. You don't decide when you get to fucking leave. Why do you think I'm back from Ellen? Fuck you. I won't do it.

You tell me. How many of you think we should make Jack stand against this curtain for the rest of the episode just for trying to leave? Here he is. He's part of the set, everybody. It's a Jack statue. Thank you. Come on.

Stand back here, Jack. Jack, you don't have to listen to him, man. No. Keep the microphone in the mic stand. As your attorney, I advise you act on your conscience. If you give me five minutes somewhere, I'll stand that way against this curtain. What? What?

If I give you what? There he goes. He's done. Go back to your seat. Thank you. Thank you. Jack shoots. I'll stand against the wall if you let me perform for five more minutes.

Joe, so you think we should have edited it right after that first half of this joke? 100%. And then just he just leaves after that. That's a good idea. Well, we have to save ourselves. Yeah. It would be funny. This show is just stronger than ever.

It would be funny if we had a moment in this podcast where it just cut to black and then went back in a really obvious edit. Yeah. That would be fun. Only we know. We did that a couple times. It's not that it's bad. Yeah.

It's not that it's bad, but it would be funny. What if we can make an agreement where no one in this room would tell? And we'd just chop that part out. All that crazy shit that might get us kicked off YouTube. Let's just shut the fuck up. Can we just shut the fuck up? Can you shut the fuck up? I can shut the fuck up.

Are you my friends? Are you my brothers and sisters? Philip Garcia. Can we help that guy and shut the fuck up? I see phones. I see you lying. I see a lot of your phones out. Put your fucking phones away.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Philip Garcia. Fuck yeah. Philip Garcia. I love Philip. You know Philip. We know Philip. He's been here before. Hey.

Ba-ba-ba. Oh yeah. This is a monster everybody. Make some noise for Philip Garcia. Let's get a little clap going everybody. Just like. Yeah. Hey everybody.

And I'm here to say that my name's Philip. And I'm not gay. But my dad is. Yeah, my dad's gay. He's actually, he's fucking my friend from high school. My weed dealer from high school. My life's a porn hub title at this point. And I still can't get a good deal on weed either.

What the fuck is that about? I don't know how to tell my dad that he needs to suck better dick. That's a. Used to call him Papa Bear not so much anymore. You know, it's a. I should have known when we were kids we'd go on bicycle rides. He'd take his seat off and that's going to be the. Thank you on Philip Garcia.

Philip Garcia. Wow. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Philip. Philip may laid a single kill Tony appearance into multiple spots. Just a couple weeks ago at Antones and showed up to the death squad show. Absolutely destroyed a couple of times.

Yeah. Opening for me April 17th. Yeah, I barely got here. I had a flat tire as soon as I exited 35. And then I just moved here today actually. So I had all my shit packed. Another one. That was funny.

You're really funny. Thanks Joe. You're really brave too. Thank you. Your subjects are brave. Thank you. It's all true. So of course you got a flat tire.

Right. You know that. Right. That's how the universe is going to do you. Yeah. What do you do for work? Where do I work? So I'm still doing pest control like two, three days a week.

Of course you are. Yeah. Two or three days a week. Yeah. And then I just got my place down here so I can stay like Wednesday through Monday and keep seeing y'all. What kind of wallet do you have? Wallet.

Yeah. Let me see your wallet. Look at the size of your wallet. Oh my God. He's got a checkbook. Holy shit. You know what, Phillip? You're not going to believe this, but I want to give you a new wallet.

Compliments of our friends over at the Ridge Wallet. This is a brand new titanium Ridge Wallet. Yeah. Just for you. And if you open it up, you're going to find out that the great people over at Ridge Wallet decided to put $500 inside of it. Yeah. You just paid for my toe, dude.

Yep. No fucking way. Yep. You're welcome. Oh man. $500 thanks to the great people over at Ridge Wallet. Mine is carbon fiber. That one is titanium.

Yeah, it's awesome. The whole crew has them. It's the best wallet in the entire world. You should buy one right now. They're the shit. I don't have one. They are the shit. And you don't have to use your, look at the size of that clunky fucking thing.

It's like half a cow's ass. That's what this is. What the fuck is that? By the way, this is the second time that the great people at Ridge have given us a wallet and we had no idea we were going to give it to Philip. We had no idea it was getting called. And the two times that we've done it, both people have had the most ridiculous wallets. One guy had a piece of like manila paper.

How did you know? You wouldn't believe this. The only other time we've done this, and I'm sure there's some fans here that probably know this, the only other time we ever did it, you know, we never know who we're going to give it to or whatever. So it's like I'm feeling it out and I'm like, oh, you got toad. Oh, he works pest control two or three days a week. The other guy's going to get it.

But both times and the other guy was poor too. But both times I've asked, both times I've asked, and this is true. You could look back on this episode wherever it is and find it. But I asked him, what does your wallet look like? And I swear to God, he pulled out a tiny manila envelope that had a rip down the middle. It was just that. He's like, oh, my wallet shit, man. I'm like, you got to be kidding me.

I'm always hoping they don't pull out a fucking ritual. Well, the only good thing I own is this ritual. But don't you think there's something weird about the synchronicity of this evening? Yeah. Yeah. And there's so many things between you and David Lucas and all these other people. There's a weird synchronicity to it. Yeah.

It almost seems artificial. You want to see more synchronicity? You want to see some more? You wrapped. Yes. You wrapped to start your set tonight. What? Why don't we have someone else come up here and do a real quick wrap?

You guys might recognize him. Are you talking about Danny Brown? One of the most legendary guests in the history of Kiltoni and brand new resident of Austin, Texas, makes some noise for Danny motherfucking Brown, everybody. What? I didn't even know this. I know. Oh, what the fuck is happening?

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. So you're just going to make me rap, man. God damn it.

What's up? What the fuck's up, Austin? Danny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Danny Brown. He's just going to get up here and make me do this shit. All right. All right. All right.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I guess it's pretty much just like, um, okay. Because I would do this even without a record deal and had to, should I say, won't be understood by executives. I'm from that crack rock pineal ground, my wedding ring.

So what the fuck are you going to tell me about anything? Strap up, nigga. Get your boots on tight. I'm from back when Snoop called Luca Frisco Dyke, made moves, went left. You went right. Niggas want to be hot today. Souls on nice. Long as I got the rent, can't tell me shit.

You ain't got it. Put you out like Hannibal Burris. Detroit Danny Brown. Fuck, yeah. He's in the motherfucking house. What the fuck's up, Tony? Yeah. Is there anything you'd like to say to the fans of kill Tony?

We haven't heard of you or seen you since that Detroit episode. Yeah. I was going through a lot that time. Danny, we'd like to say, uh, it was a lot of Adderall and Adderall and liquor basically turns the cocaine at that point. So I was going through a breakup at the time. I didn't give a fuck about life. I love that episode.

That's one of my favorite episodes. People loved it. People loved it. Yeah. Danny, you just moved here to Austin, Texas. That's right. We're all here together now. We're all hanging.

Danny Brown. That's right. We're going to dinner this week. Yeah, man. You saw me out last week. Well, I, yeah, something came up. I know. I'm like, this nigga's still in that lane.

God damn, I thought you moved to Texas and shit changed. Trust me, it's very surreal to have to change plans with Danny Brown. It hurt me too. I'm like, what am I doing? I know. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, say the self a precinct visit, maybe.

This is a weird town. It's great. I love it here. I mean, you know, what do you love about it so far? You've been to an HEB yet? I mean, I started coming up Austin from South by Southwest. You know what I'm saying? So I've been coming here like every year since I've been a fucking rapper.

You know what I'm saying? So from the energy like I just developed a great relationship with this city, you know, I fucking love it. You have such a great energy. You're one of my favorite artists. Thank you guys. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Just a quick cameo from one of the greatest fucking rappers in the world.

Detroit Danny Brown is now Austin Danny Brown, ladies and gentlemen. What have you done, Tony Hinchcliffe? Chaos. What have you done? This is Kill Tony 500. You guys want to go to the bucket again, huh? See what happens here. Do you have go to the bucket t-shirts available online?

Oh, no, that's a good idea, though. We are working on Kill Tony. We're working on Kill Tony bingo cards right now that we think are going to be our greatest piece of merch ever. Where things happen on Kill Tony and you mark your bingo cards and you just play along maybe by yourself. Yeah, because I'm sure you have a lot of bingo fans. Your fucking savage barbarian psychedelic taking audience. All right, ladies and gentlemen, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here.

This is a cool name, Ridge Hershberger. The stylings of Ridge Hershberger. Talk about synchronicity. We just gave away a Ridge wallet. The next comedian is Ridge Hershberger. His first name is Ridge. The company that makes Ridge wallet is called Ridge. This is Ridge.

Ridge Hershberger. One more time for Ridge, everybody. Holy cow. I have never seen this many people my whole life. I have an interesting family. My uncle, he's 100% Amish. And it's weird whenever we have family reunions and stuff, they all have beards. Even the men.

I was told this would be an Amish friendly crowd. Oh, I was misinformed. I grew up on a dairy farm in central Pennsylvania. I have touched so many titties. I may have even sucked on one or two. You know how people talk about this farm to table? I don't believe in that. No.

I believe in something better than that. Utter the mouth. Thank you, guys. Hell yeah. Ridge Hershberger. My God. Are you fucking real? Yeah.

My goodness. Do you know how to yodel or anything like that? Are you a yodeler? No. You know how to play the spoons? The hand bone or anything like that? The spoons, like the game you play spoons, like a card game. You know how to play that?

No. All right. Ridge, where do you live now? Here in Austin. When did you move here from central Pennsylvania? A week and a half ago. Wow, look at that. Everyone's moving here.

Even people to milk cows. What's the redhead dude's name? William Montgomery, yeah. Why don't you give William Montgomery your suspenders? Okay. Get out here, William. Help him. I'm serious.

You don't need them. What happened? Are those really holding up your pants? Not really. No. No. But they kind of give me a moose knuckle, don't they? Ridge, what made you move here a week and a half ago?

What? What made you move here? Comedy. Yep. Okay. And I got to go away from my mom. Your mom? Yeah.

She just wants me to turn butter all the time. Central PA, huh? What are we talking about? Doylestown? Altoona. Fiddle of nowhere. Yeah, bumper. What happened to your mom?

Oh, man, I said, do you have a word? Your mom? My mom's gonna be able to see this. She doesn't have the internet. Come on, Ridge. Yeah. Who are we kidding? She has smoke signals.

What's up with your mom? She's a lovely lady. Oh, Jesus Christ. Wow. She's still paying your bills, bro. Sexual tension. You're milking her too, huh? Not just milking cows out there in Central PA.

What happened? Maybe she is a cow. What happened? What happened? With what? With everything. I don't know, dude. Let's be real.

What happened? I was home schooled. How old are you? 23. Suspenders. Suspenders. Why? Why?

What? What's happening? Where's your mom? Mom. I miss her. Oh, my God. Ridge, are you okay? I don't know.

Clearly, he's not. Normally, the country boys have like real mental balance. I have children. We need to hug him. Yeah. It's like scary the cable guy. I thought Larry the cable guy really worked on electricity and stuff. Of course he did.

No one was around to teach you otherwise. Tell us about your life, Ridge, other than being home schooled and making it out here. We can have two edits in this podcast. How are you blending into civilization? Terrible. Yeah. What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun?

We catch pigeons. Really? Yeah. You like... Told you. What did you say? I love it. What are you talking about?

I love that answer. What do you whisper? Trust me, it's been almost eight years. This is 500 fucking episodes. You count like 10 comedians times 500, whatever the fuck that is, 5,000 fucking people. You think I've ever gotten the answer? I catch pigeons. I love it.

Give me new shit, please. Just don't answer. All I do is yoga and micro-heados. How many guys do you have on with suspenders? Suspenders is a rare treat as well. He might be number one, right? Yeah, it could be. He's the first non-fat guy with suspenders.

We have a resident suspenders guy, the great Yoni is here, right? It's a weird choice. Oh, there's some big Yoni fans in the audience. Yoni, is he here? Wow, the opportunity of a lifetime missed. There it goes. And Rich Hirschberger, what's something crazy that you've done? You ever get in trouble with your mom?

Like, God damn it, Rich, you really fucked up. Stop fucking me, mom. Hey, there he is. There's Yoni, everybody. Look, the suspenders are blending in. This guy sleeps with fucking suspenders on all day, every day. It's coming back like the Fanny pack. There he is, the suspender king.

What do you think of this guy's suspenders, Yoni? They're great, I got the same pair. It's got the same pair. There it is. You just wanted to check in with you. We got to have Yoni every time a guy with suspenders. I was so pissed when I came here and I saw he had suspenders. He's like my arch nemesis.

Yeah. I hate him. Yeah, and he's also much like you. He's also fucked your mother. Oh, goodness. It is my dad. I just, very rarely do I do that. I just had to do it.

It's only funny because he did it. You fucked your mother, Rich. We know it. Don't let him bull you as your attorney. Rich, you ever get in trouble for anything? Yeah. Like what? I got a DUI.

Really? Yeah. And then I had to go to Almond's rehab. I had to go with my uncle and live there with him for a month. Oh, my God. If they didn't have any electricity or anything. I would have like shit. Yeah.

Yeah, I did. You've also stated his uncle's place before? His name is Serena. Rich, you have a girlfriend? No. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Besides your mom? Honest question, Rich.

I'm not trying to be funny here. Are you a virgin? You're going to my cleaning meeting. Yeah. You're a virgin? No. Okay. Yeah.

So you've had sex with a woman? Oh, wait. You're like anyways. Jesus Christ. You might be right, Joe. Joe was the first one to say this guy could be a serial killer. He's okay. He's just, you know, socially.

You're going to be okay. How many times did you stand up? Probably like 50 or so. 50. What year did you start? It's 2021, 2019. Like two years, but like the pandemic, you can't do anything. So did you always want to be a stand up or is it like a whim?

What are you doing? I didn't know, I didn't know being a stand up was a thing you could do till like age 18. And then I found out that was something you could do. And I was like, holy shit, I love this. Yeah. I didn't actually find out until like I was 21. Like I always thought it was, for some reason I always thought it was a weird like nepotism thing. I'm like, oh, these people must have like famous parents or whatever.

I swear to God. Like I just couldn't imagine. When I found out that you could just go to open mics and just start and like you get to do it as often as you want, it blew my fucking mind. I'm like, you don't have to pay to do the thing to get better. Everything else you have to pay to get better at it to do it. You take classes and all this bullshit. This was just open mics.

I was, my mind was blown. Anyway, so I'm sort of like you in that way. Ridge, let's talk about, I need to, for some reason, my insight is telling me to ask him. Why does it? Why do you do stand up? I don't know. Because I enjoy it and it's fun. What's your favorite part?

About stand up. Making people laugh and having fun. When was the last time that happened? Oh man. Like on purpose. On purpose? I don't know, last night. There you go.

You're doing it. How long have you been doing it? Three years? You're starting to make more sense as the interview goes on. You're relaxing. It's like we've been talking about all night. There's a stage you have to get where you can be yourself. Yeah, it's really hard.

My God keeps telling me that I have to ask you about your love life. I have to follow up on this. I got a wibbly, wobbly answer about you being, whether you've had sex or not. Are you very sexually active or not so much? No, not so much. One girlfriend? I've never had a girlfriend. I mean in high school, but does that really count?

How tight are you with that funny non-binary guy? I'm sitting right next to him up there. Really next to each other? Side by side. I put his name. I signed up for him. He got first now. Incredible.

That's against the rules of Kill Tony, by the way, to sign up for the club. Ridge, so you've only had a girlfriend in high school. When's the last time you kissed a girl? Like two weeks ago. Who was that? It was a cute farm girl. Really? Yeah.

Are you just saying? Was she awake? Yes. Oh my goodness. Was she related to you? When was the last time you had sex? Over a year ago. Over a year ago?

How about on purpose? Oh my God. She's killing me. All right, Ridge. Well, we tried our absolute best. You last long in the bedroom. You have any special moves? You do the fucking milk the cow or whatever?

Fucking milk the cow or whatever. I squeezed please. I don't know. You ever gotten a lap dance before? Yeah. Oh no, no, no. Not from a human. What about the wild thing?

What? Tone low, wild thing. Wild thing? Yeah. What are you saying? Wild thing. Have you ever gotten a lap dance to wild thing? No.

What kind of American are you, boy? No lap dance to wild thing? Tony? Should we do it? How do we correct this issue? Come on. Let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to our friends over at the Yellow Rose.

No, it's okay. No, Jetski, take that back. Take that back. We have an actual chair. There you go. Absolutely. Jetski doesn't know stool. You don't get lap dances on stools.

That's a death wish. Holy shit. What is happening? Wow. Kill Tony 500 presents our first lap dance. Oh my God. Rich, your mother's going to see this. Woo.

Yellow rose, red rose. Let me come in really sat there like an al-Qaeda guy getting questioned by seals. Get up for Kaley guys. Kaley dot funk 73 on Instagram. K-A-Y-L-I-E. God damn it. One last question for you, Ridge.

Ridge, what do you think your mother's going to say when she sees that part of the podcast? I don't know. This guy's heart is a rock. He doesn't need a suspender for his dick right now. That's for sure. That is a self-suspension machine. Look at that.

He's got a little milk in his pants right now. There he goes, everybody. Ridge Hershberger. Ridge. Good job, Ridge. Congratulations. All right. You guys think we should get another regular up here?

Finish this thing out, huh? Let's keep going until everybody falls asleep. How about one? Come on, guys. How loud can this place get for Kaley, everybody? Come on. She joined the Kill Tony family just a couple weeks ago, and boy, what a wild hit this has been.

Oh, yeah. Your hat. There it is. There it is. The great Kaley, everybody. That's her hat. It says titties. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, regular on this show,

has been through a lot. Was the first person other than Red Band and I, out of this whole crew, and of course, Joe was here first, but the first guy to move out here was the one who seemed to be the least likely to do so, but no one loves stand-up more than this guy. He started only a few years ago.

He was in a condom a little over a year ago in Hollywood at the comedy store, and immediately kept inviting him back. He's an absolute monster. A super, super black belt out of Second City in Chicago, written about in history books there, just started stand-up after being diagnosed with ALS, fresh off of coming out with a clean bill of health

after the coronavirus. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the one and the only, Michael Lehrer, everybody. The real fucking deal. Woo! Yeah! Fuck microdose. It's time for your microdose.

Yeah! The people are all sitting on animals. He broke me in a week. He broke me like this. He broke me in a week. He broke me like a horse, and all my stupid poor clowns and committing daily felonies,

bringing bodies to capacity crowds. Thank God you defunded your police. I can't go to jail. In the shower, I get both fucked and electrocuted. Your taxes are not human beings. How the fuck did the South lose the war? Did you run out of cocaine?

That's why you defunded the police. You're all criminals. None of you get the vaccine for free. None of you deserve it. Show me your checking account. If any of you pre-ordered a smash burger on the Internet and then went in one day to go win the line for a fucking Internet hamburger

during the pandemic, no free vaccine. Can I just say one thing? Yeah, Joe Rogan, one minute. How the fuck did the South lose the war? Did you run out of cocaine? What's one of my favorite moments of this night? Without a doubt.

Thank you. Michael's the only person who we don't even give a kitten to. He's literally just coming off of a real battle with the coronavirus. Yeah, I went to the ice road twice. Feel sorry for me. But just to show you how powerful this fucking guy is, he's got a clean bill of health on Saturday. When did you get it?

I had it basically like for nine days, real bad about a week and a half ago. Real bad he had it. And in his two appearances, one on Monday, back and one here, he both times did two minutes. Just straight up, just brand new material, nothing anybody's ever heard before. Setting a new bar.

This is something that regulars just simply have never really done or taken advantage of. Well, I'm sentimental and I can't, but my sentimentals are like, I love comedy ever since I was a fucking little fucking four-year-old boy, and I got pulled out of this bucket December 2nd, 2019, and I'm a bigger comic than I've ever been. I'm better, and I'm here now,

and I can focus on just getting good, and there's nothing more fucking cool than that. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. You are the opposite of that fucking yoga microdose guy. It is incredible. I love you so much. The truer words have ever been spoken. That was beautiful, man. That was so real. That's who you are. That was who you are. That's beautiful.

And that fucking joke about how the South... That's funny. That's funny as fuck, dude. That's real. Did you run out of cocaine? What happened? And that's another part of this wild story, is everything he's saying is true. He went down like a real... He was on a real bender for a few weeks. He was hanging around some wild people,

and Austin is fucking, I guess, everybody... He warned me that everybody's on uppers here, but... Yeah. We need to kill a mediocre homeless person and transfer their energy into your body. Yes. Rise from the ashes like a phoenix. You came back from that. You're back from the coronavirus.

What else has happened to Michael? Well, I have a very special announcement. May I take over Tony? Sure, go right ahead. I love you so much. No, thank you. Now, when his internment, 22 years ago, around now,

I had a baby. Yeah! No, hold on. And that baby, my son, is here tonight. Whoa! Whoa!

Shut up! Now, I wrote for my son, who I did not raise, but I forced to perform to make me look like a super dad. I wrote for my son a blind,

middle-aged Tony Dokes. Yeah! Who was this, and my son, doing a minute of blind, never-before-right jokes, I'm forcing him to do, because I know it's funny,

and he doesn't, and he's so fucking impatient with me. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, my boy, Colin Heeming. All right! Hello.

I'm Colin, I'm from Wyoming, but I've been preparing for tonight for over two years, by waiting tables at Texas Roadhouse. And if that popular steakhouse chain has taught me anything about Texans, y'all love America. Fried pickles, and free refills.

Beside being a top-young rising comedian, I'm also an actor. Hashtag... Hashtag thespians. Do it on stage. And thanks to gender-blind casting, I'll be playing Shirley Temple in an upcoming biopic. I've been a hunter since I was 12.

My dad wants me to take him sometime. How would that work? I would be like Jabaka with him in my backpack, like C-3PO. He'd shoot off half my curls. Kanye now lives in Wyoming. We go camping, it's convenient, because we can both sleep in Kim's butt.

Thank you. Wow. That's here for my son. That's a real deal. Colin Laird and Michael Laird. How fucking cool is that? A father-son moment. Yeah.

We've been doing this every year on vacation for 10 years, and we always find a fun bit, and it's the best fucking thing ever. That's a cool thing. Get off the stage since my moment. Good to leave. There he goes, Colin Laird.

Now, Tony. May I say something? Yeah, absolutely. Permission granted. Thank you. Now, I talk a lot about what garbage people live in this city, but I know that it's a great place. I'm happy to call home,

and in fact, I love any city where in any hour of the day you can find an ex-junging County Crows Mr. Jones. So, fire up, man. Let's fucking do this right now. Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Yeah. Oh. Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la. Oh. Bring it down. Okay. Down on the new heroin. Stand at the sale of heroin.

Miss heroin strikes up a conversation with some heroin. heroin says she's dancing, because she's not heroin. Oh. She owns us all Miss heroin. Oh, why so much heroin? Man, I wish I was heroin.

You without the time on the border. Ah, heroin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Vice-minister heroin. Mr. heroin. Believe in heroin.

How much money we've been having. Because I want to be someone who believes in heroin. Mr. heroin. Tell me something. I fuck you. Jesus. Fuck you. Michael Lair everybody.

Kill Tony 500. Wow. Unbelievable. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything Michael Lair. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket just one more time, huh? All right. This is it.

And then we're out of here for sure. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Ski Mask Pete. Oh boy. This sounds interesting. Come on guys, put your hands together for Ski Mask Pete. Here we go. Oh shit, here he is.

Come on, one more time for Ski Mask Pete. It's your final comedian of the night, everyone. I think I have a chameleon infestation, but there's no real way of telling. It took them 25 tries to make SpaghettiOs. SpaghettiA. Nope. I went to a palm reader last week and then she said,

if your hand is bigger than your face, then you have cancer. I don't mind pedophiles, but that's just because I hate little kids. Wow. Ski Mask Pete, what the fuck? What the fuck, man? That was awesome. Wow, dude.

Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up? Three years. Three years, huh? When did you get out? Three years ago. Wow, Ski Mask. That was some funny shit.

So cool, man. That was really, really funny shit, man. Thank you. I laughed hard. You're undercover. Wow, look at you. What are you going to do when the coronavirus shit passes? Probably get AIDS or something.

No, are you going to keep the mask? Oh yeah, I was doing this before Corona. Oh, that's not good, bro. You got to do what you got to do. You're fucking funny, man. Get rid of that stupid mask. Ski Mask. Ski Mask Pete, this is incredible.

Dude, you're too funny, man. That's too good. What ethnicity? That's too good. Anybody can pretend to be you. Yeah, what ethnicity are you with? I can't tell. I'm Mexican.

Oh, you're Mexican. Wow, look at that. Allegedly. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Yeah, I play the drums. Oh, really? You do? Yeah, and honestly, honestly, what I got to fucking say is,

what the fuck is up, Austin? What the fuck is up? That's right. And I got a fucking bone to pick with this guy right here. Oh, shit. I think we got some unfinished fucking business right now. And like I said, I'm ready to die for this shit. Today's a good day to die.

What the fuck is up? Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, the all-time undefeated drummer of Kill Tony. Joel, when we moved to Austin and you stayed back in L.A. organically, somehow coincidentally, John Dees, the leader of the new band, just happened to hire an actual Mexican drummer to be the Kill Tony band drummer.

And you are here. I don't know who this guy is. I haven't seen him. I don't know if he even exists. Well, I'll tell you this. You're both drummers, and you're both Mexican, and this is the end of the show. So I don't know what you guys think, but I'm pretty sure

we should have a fucking Mexican drum off to end this thing. Oh, yeah, let's do it. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Michael Gonzalez was prepared. I feel like I'm in a Robert Rodriguez movie. This is why it is. Since Joel Berg has never lost a Mexican drum off,

I feel like it's right that he gets to go second. Austin's own Michael Gonzalez will be going first. Oh, shit. That's already more Mexican than any Mexican drum off so I've ever been. Ladies and gentlemen, you're going to decide we have an unbelievable situation. A guy who's never competed in a Mexican drum off

that's the legit resident Mexican drummer of the Kill Tony band is vying off against a man who is literally 36 and 0, and has defended his throne across the world, never losing a Mexican drum off. This is unbelievable. Going first, anything can happen. This is a drum solo by the current resident Mexican drummer.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Michael Gonzalez. Thank you. Let's go. Let's go. Ah, c'mon, mogues. Ah, c'mon, mogues. Ah, c'mon, mogues. Ah, c'mon, mogues.

Ah, c'mon, mogues. Ah, c'mon, mogues. Ah, c'mon, mogues. Wow! Holy shit! This is the first time we can truly say Jullberg has his work cut out for him. This is unbelievable.

Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, again, we've seen it in Australia, in England, in Ireland, all across America. This guy has always said he's willing to die up here before he ever loses a Mexican drama. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a guy that was the drummer for this show for literally hundreds of episodes.

It is the return of Jullberg Joel Jimenez. Jullberg Joel Jimenez. Ladies and gentlemen, the Purple Dildo we have not seen in perhaps a year. Ladies and gentlemen, it is famous amongst Keltoni fans. He's making adjustments. Or chanting.

He is touching. He is making more adjustments to the cymbal. He understands that this is any given Sunday. Oh, here he goes. Don't fuck yourself, boss. He's making more adjustments to the cymbal. The Purple Dildo at Jullberg. Hey.

He's running through the back of the theater. He just ran out of a door. He ran all the way out of the exit door. Oh my God, he's coming through the other exit door. House lights. Here he comes. Up the stairs. Hold on.

He's out of breath. He falls down. We've seen this before. He's still as the dildo. He just let... Oh, he's taking off the singlet. What's happening here? We've never seen this one before.

This is very interesting. I don't know exactly what's happening. This is the part where we get kicked off at YouTube. And, uh... Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. I forgot how weird his ass was.

He's coming back. He's out of breath. He's out of breath. It's been a couple months. This is easy. Whoa, wait a second. What is this? What is this?

Oh, a backflip. Wait, he's going... Wait a second. This show is over. He's not done. Hold on. What is he doing? What is he doing?

He's got a bottle! Wait a second. He's going back to the drums. Wow! Whoo! Whoo! Holy shit! Without a doubt,

the greatest Mexican drama of all time. Brought to you by Whistle Pig, this drama. Whistle Pig Whiskey, the only... One of the only 100% Rye Whiskies. I love this stuff. I drink it all the time. I just tried to talk into my Whistle Pig. I mean, my goodness,

I think we all won this competition, but just for the sake... And that's his real dick, by the way, guys. By the way, yeah, there's no stuffing. That thing needs its own sombrero. That's for Joe. Michael Gonzalez putting the sombrero. Michael, stand next to Joel for a second, though.

Just for the sake of historical statistics, we have to ask, how many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning that Mexican drama off? That's good. That's good. Whoo! How many of you have

Joel Berg Joel Jimenez winning that? Whoo! I voted for everybody. You know what that means. That means... It almost wasn't fair. Well, it's... He kind of should've went first.

Wait, but you know what that means. Rating Defending, Joe. You know all about that. I do. I do. I appreciate what you did. He stole his glass on his head. Oh, he's gonna do it again.

Whoo! There it is. Wow. One of the greatest drummers in the game. One of the weirdest asses I've ever seen in my life. There was so much else going on. That's the problem.

One guy drummed. The other guy did a lot more. Absolute chaos. It's not fair. Joel has a... It's like, what are the parameters of what we're doing here? You're right.

You're right, dude. Joel has a huge piece of glass still on his head. There's a piece of glass sticking out of his skull currently. He said that hurt more than I thought it would. Wow.

What a way to end this show. Thank you, Joel Berg. Thank you, Michael Gonzalez. Thank you, Whistle Pig, for sponsoring the drum off. Thank you, Fxvud. Thank you, Fxvud. Good for sponsoring the band.

Guys, how about a big hand for the band, everybody? Jetski Johnson. Also brought to you by Ridge Wallet, as well as that incredible giveaway. We have the coolest sponsors in the world that really stepped up for this one

and hit some fucking real fucking home runs with us. Jetski, this is your first time on the show in months. We're so happy to have you. Anything you want to say? It feels so... I said before, it feels like

my parents got divorced and now I'm visiting dad with his new family. And I love it. I love being here. This is great, and I am. Guys, make some noise for Jetski Johnson, huh?

I don't want to say real quick. The rest of the band really wanted to be here, but they all died. No, they really wanted to be here. They love you guys. We love you guys. And the second thing is

we have merch. Awesome. If you want some cool shit. You'll be out front in the sidewalk, right? Yeah, in the sidewalk area. There's going to be some merch. Ryan G. about slinging

Kill Tony 500 posters. Ryan, would you draw back there for us tonight? Let's check it out. Well, everybody was goofing around having fun. This guy was at serious work. It's small.

It's small, but fucking mighty. My God, you did all that during this? The details are absolutely incredible. It's every single person that was on the show. That is incredible. And let's check out

Chris Rogers Art. He's been drawing. Also, local Austin artist, Chris Rogers drew something as well. Whoa. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Me.

I love it. That's me. Dude, that's amazing. I'll take that. That's going to be on my wall. Dude. That's awesome. That should be in your bedroom.

500 in homage of the movie 300. There's Chris Rogers Art. RyanJBelt.com for everything Kill Tony, the official artist of Kill Tony. All the tour posters, the new Kill Tony, the coloring book, RyanJBelt.com,

support great artist. Chris Rogers Art. Guys, here to give, here to say something. And also, wow, what a performance. How about one more time for Joel Berg,

Joel Jimenez, huh? All right, Tony, I just want to say and it's, it's so great to be here. And awesome. Thank you guys for coming out. A lot of work

and shit you guys don't see goes into getting to a podcast of 500 episodes like this. It's a big team. And we all try to pull our way to the next episode. So, it's a big team

and we all try to pull our way to make a good show for you guys. That being said, I want to, can we get a big hand for Jeremiah, for Chroma Chris, for Pat Reagan,

everybody, everyone that's been a part of the band in the past of this show. RyanJ, everybody. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. Yeah, absolutely.

I agree. The great Allie Makovsky, Malcolm Hatchett, Sarah Wineshank, Kim Congdon, these people all born and bred through the fucking tough work

of writing a new minute every week in front of the public. An incredible, crazy system. And guys, how about a hand? What cooler guest to have

in Austin, Texas than Joe Rogan, everybody. Come on. Come on. All bullshit aside, this is a wild show. This is one of my favorite shows that I've ever done,

ever. In any format, in any medium, this tonight, this is one of my favorite shows ever. And one of the reasons why, is I tricked Tony Hitchcliffe

into moving into Austin, Texas. You did. And I tricked Red Pan. He tricked us. He said, move here. Get away from all the homeless people in traffic. But it's going to work out.

We got a plan. And one of the reasons why we even wanted to do it here, is because this place has a very unique and awesome energy. It really is. It's amazing.

The key is, we just got to not fuck it up while it expands. I think we can do that. Yep. Thank you to the Paramount Theater for having us. This is chaos.

I'm sure they're used to incredible symphonies and musical acts that don't come in with dildos and broken bottles and lap dances. Thanks to all the comics that waited that didn't get up.

Yep. Absolutely. And how about one more hand for the band, everybody? Michael Gonzalez, D-Madness, John B's, Matt Mueling.

Absolutely incredible. Thanks one more time to our amazing sponsors of this show, Ridgewall, Fix Vodka, and Whistle Pig. And the yellow and the red rose. Yes, the yellow and the red rose.

Rock solid. All of those sponsors are local Austin companies that are already having fun playing with us, goofing around, taking a chance. We're all growing together.

Till the next 500, guys. Thank you, Austin Texas! Good night, everybody. Thank you. We are all in this together. We love you guys. Yeah. Nah, niggas tell me how. I come up, I come up.

Yeah. You act, huh? You act. Yeah. Sit down, man, man. Sit. Come on. Hey.

Hey. Well, that's exactly where the nigga came from. All right. Huh. You throwin' shots from afar. I'ma meet you at your front door. Uh-huh.

So hard to be doin' what you really meant for beauty. Huh. But don't I make it look easy? Don't I make it look good? Hey, now you drag up all my liquor. Come on. What I'm supposed to do now?

And you talkin' all that shit. Now come on. You gon' have to back it up. If I get too high now, she could come on. I might never come down. I might never come down. You might not ever come down.

Uh-huh. Let me get down. Come on. Hey, you might not ever come down. Uh-huh. Let me get down. You might not ever come down. Come on.

Wanna get down? No. You might never, ever come down. It took too long to get this high off the ground. Don't run. Just stand back. Come on. Uh-huh.

You can't beat it. Can't beat it. Can't beat it with the big bag though. Can't see it with the pitch black. Put your brains on. Let me take your bitches off. Let me get the full score. Uh-huh.

Full screen HD. Let me take another picture. Let me pull it to the free show. Whoa. Cool beans, cool beans. That's a whole lot of river. Let me help you with the free road. You drag up all my liquor.

Come on. What I'm supposed to do now? And you talkin' all that shit. Now come on. You gon' have to back it up. If I get too high now, sugar, come on. I may never come down.

I may never come down. Uh-huh, uh huh. Let me get down. Hey who might not never come down. You want me get down? Hey you might not ever come down. Uh-huh. Let me get down.

Money you might never ever come down. It took too long to get this high off the ground. Don't run. Just stay wild. You might never ever come down. It took too long to get this high off the ground. Don't run. Just stay wild.

Okay, we'll take that. Maybe. We'll erase that. They bent the truck up. You could pay that. A small village. You could say that. But you'd rather take your brain vote to reveal that I'm raided.

No tell or hell no. Middle finger, the cool and tear pro. Stick it to the real like it's fair pro. What other country can you say I blow? For less than a kilo grand you get a elbow. Look at it. I never come down. Round up your guy.

Let me run it down. Soon as he drives I'ma run the town. I found a side shooting Trump down. A shot for every black man who got gunned down. By the police with no convictions till they run round. When we protest they tell us pipe down. For trade funding like brown. Seeing it wanna make it black white.

Cause we hit the action with a black light. Make them suck our ass right up. Now you drink up all my nigga. Come on. What I'm supposed to do now. Something in your tongue. Get all that shit like come on. You gon' have to back it up.

Back it up. Get to high now. Come on. I'ma never come down. I'ma never come down. No, no, never come down. Come on. Let me get down.

And you might never ever come down. No. Wanna get down. And you might not ever come down. Come on. Let me get down. You might never ever come down. It took too long to get this high on the ground.

Don't mind just stay wild. You might never ever come down. It took too long to get this high on the ground. Don't mind just stay wild. Don't mind. You